1
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,045
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,641
(ALL WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
3
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,849
ALICE: There is a right way to be single.
4
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,884
Hey. How are you?
5
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,407
(CHUCKLES) Hi.
6
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:20,921
Oh, when's your wedding?
7
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,640
Eighteen months
after I meet the right guy.
8
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:25,525
Okay.
9
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,284
ALICE: And a wrong way to be single.
10
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,210
And then there's this guy.
11
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:38,846
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Good morning.
12
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,091
Hi. You want a hand with that?
13
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,887
ALICE: We're embarrassed
to admit we're single,
14
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,202
and try to pretend that we're not.
15
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:55,521
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-(SNORING)
16
00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,763
NURSE: We need you in Exam Room 3.
17
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,882
ALICE: We're supposed to act
all cheerful and happy about it.
18
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:05,401
What?
19
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,441
But why should we be embarrassed?
20
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,686
We're living longer, marrying later
21
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,845
and refusing to leave the party
before we're really, really done.
22
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,004
So, why do we always tell our
stories through relationships?
23
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,361
Where's home?
24
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,000
Oh, I'm not going home.
25
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,285
No way.
26
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,408
-(CLATTERS)
-Shit.
27
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,769
(GASPS) on, my God.
(awe-some VOICE) on, my God.
28
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,046
-Here, here.
-Oh, my God, oh, my God...
29
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,762
I gotcha. Here you go.
30
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:44,921
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
31
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,284
I did not think this through.
32
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,161
(LAUGHING)
33
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,090
(GIGGLES AND SNORTS)
34
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:53,761
I'm Josh.
35
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,125
I'm Alice.
36
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,489
ALICE: But this story
isn't about relationships.
37
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,927
It's about all those times in between
38
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,444
when maybe, just maybe,
our real life is happening.
39
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,329
This isn't a break-up. Okay?
40
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:12,766
We're just taking some time apart.
41
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,806
It's temporary. Like, it's...
You know, it's like a break.
42
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:17,961
Bullshit!
43
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,004
(SIGHS) Josh, I've never been on my own.
44
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,289
I went from living with my parents,
45
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,647
to living in a dorm, to living with you.
46
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,685
But we're happy, Alice.
47
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,010
-Are we?
-Yeah.
48
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,605
Or are we just boring?
49
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,526
I'm not boring. I'm fucking fun.
50
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,763
I say I'm gonna do things all the time,
and I never, ever do them.
51
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,321
Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,
or take a self-defense class
52
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,209
or I'm gonna hike the Grand Canyon,
53
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:43,486
and I never, ever do it.
54
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:44,687
That's not my fault.
55
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,808
You said the boots made your feet hurt.
56
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,611
Look, if we really want this
to work long term...
57
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,603
I need to know who I am alone
58
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:53,603
and I don't want to spend my life
wondering "What if?"
59
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:54,761
This is stupid.
60
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,166
The minute you walk out of here
61
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,004
you're gonna realize
how much shit I do for you
62
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,322
and how great I am
and how much you need me,
63
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:01,845
and you're gonna start stalking me.
64
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,286
-(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
-And that's sad.
65
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:05,321
(EXHALES)
66
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,326
This is gonna be great for both of us.
67
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,481
Yeah.
68
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,809
We need to know what it's like
to be single, at least once.
69
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,369
Can't you just fuck one of my friends?
70
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:24,202
-(CHUCKLES)
-Just do something to make me hate you.
71
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,325
This is gonna be the right thing.
72
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,001
Oh, God.
73
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,246
- I'm gonna miss your boobs.
-(CHUCKLES)
74
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,882
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
75
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:04,961
No,no,no,no,no,no,no,no.
76
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:07,526
Does this make it work?
77
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,161
Yes! Yes.
78
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,091
There, good. Good.
79
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,049
No. No, no.
80
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,443
(GASPS) Yes. Yes. Okay.
81
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,123
Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!
82
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,923
MAN: Whoa! Whoa!
83
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,764
(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)
84
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,610
-(SCREAMS)
-Whoa! Whoa! on! on! on!
85
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,041
What the hell are you doing here?
86
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:52,321
I'm cooking you breakfast!
87
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,170
No, okay. I don't do breakfast.
88
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,481
Right? You need to get out!
89
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:56,687
You're in my apartment!
90
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:58,321
Put the...
91
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:02,241
This is not my apartment.
92
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,971
Fuck. Sorry.
93
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,406
I might be a little drunk.
94
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:07,561
Oh.
95
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,248
I might actually
wipe my fingerprints off that.
96
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,565
You were great last night.
97
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,690
- Was I?
-(WHISPERS) I can't remember.
98
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,965
MEG: Okay, let's go to your happy place.
99
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,121
What if | poop?
100
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:22,520
-I won't even notice.
-Oh, God.
101
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:23,886
It's totally natural.
102
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,611
Women have been doing this
for thousands of years, okay?
103
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,046
(PANTING) Yeah?
How many babies have you had?
104
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,841
Well, I've delivered about 3,000 of them.
105
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,001
Didn't you want one?
106
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,401
You know what?
107
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,005
I just felt like society
108
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,049
doesn't let you pursue your dreams
109
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,770
once you have children.
110
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:41,961
And I didn't feel like
111
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,884
I wanted to give up my identity
112
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:49,604
to be a slave to some
tiny little love-terrorist.
113
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,160
You know? Plus, your body falls to shit,
114
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,810
and you have no time to exercise
115
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,042
and forget about sleep
for the rest of your life, right?
116
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,366
Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,
no, no, no. You can do it!
117
00:06:58,560 --> 00:06:59,641
No, I can't. My body went to shit.
118
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My body went to shit. lt did.
119
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:03,844
(CRYING)
And my vagina's so loose, already!
120
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,684
-Let's push!
-Okay.
121
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,081
- MEG: Yay!
-(SCREAMING)
122
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,609
ls that poop or a baby?
123
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,850
It's not a baby.
124
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:14,841
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
125
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:16,121
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
126
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,251
Robin? This is Alice, our new paralegal.
127
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,481
Will you give her the tour, please?
128
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,369
Yes, of course.
129
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,011
- Thank you.
-(SIGHS)
130
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,161
Hi, I'm Alice.
131
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,731
- Hi.
- It's so nice to meet you.
132
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,651
Yeah. Oh, sorry,
my hands are a little bit creamy.
133
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,168
-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-Okay. All right. (CLEARS THROAT)
134
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,931
Welcome to the law firm of some guy,
135
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,048
some other guy, and some Jewish guy.
136
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,009
Just kidding. They're all Jewish.
137
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,446
I'm really excited to be here.
138
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This was actually one of my top choices.
139
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:45,567
That closet there, is really good
140
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,165
for making personal calls.
141
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,489
But whatever you do,
do not hook up in this copy room.
142
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,483
One, it's just, like, so cliche'.
143
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,802
And two, there's a security camera.
144
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:58,249
Oh, I'm not really hooking up
with anybody right now
145
00:07:58,400 --> 00:07:59,640
because recently, I actually--
146
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,086
Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
147
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,446
They do record the footage.
148
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,922
So, unless a leaked sex tape
is part of your two-year plan,
149
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,082
(SWALLOWS)
I'd recommend hooking up in the...
150
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,521
(INAUDIBLE)
151
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,763
You'll never know our secrets.
152
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:15,410
You'll never know!
153
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:16,801
Whoo!
154
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:18,441
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
155
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,081
(SNORTS DERISIVELY)
156
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,961
Excuse me. That's none of your business.
157
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,963
You're kind of making it
my business, here.
158
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,930
Look, I just moved in upstairs
and my Wi-Fi sucks.
159
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,764
So, if I have to listen
to every drunk asshole
160
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:33,967
stumble out of here at 5:00 a.m.,
161
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,770
I'm at least gonna use your free Internet.
162
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,487
Wow. Okay, hi. Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
163
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,729
- I'm Tom. And--
- Hi.
164
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:41,927
If you're gonna be using my free Wi-Fi,
165
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,407
at least you can do me a favor
and not write shit like,
166
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,562
"| want to wake up with my best friend."
167
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,165
Unless you want my dick to fall off.
168
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,731
And then maybe
we could become best friends,
169
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,206
and that'd be awesome.
170
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,606
Look, I spent half of last year
creating an algorithm
171
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,643
that trolls dating apps
for the best candidates
172
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,529
and downloads them
into an Excel spreadsheet.
173
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,200
So, I know what I'm looking for.
174
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:02,441
Yeah, that's not weird at all.
175
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,890
What are you really doing online?
176
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,485
I mean, you're a pretty girl.
177
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:07,641
This is New York City.
178
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,410
There's like a billion people
outside that door.
179
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,568
Yeah, but how many eligible people?
180
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,321
Here. Okay, there are eight
million people in this city.
181
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,484
-Sounds like a lot, right?
-lt does.
182
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,404
But, half of them are women.
183
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,608
And as hard as I tried in college,
184
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,250
I don't swing that way.
185
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,765
-How hard did you try?
-Let it go.
186
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,689
-Okay.
-So, four million men.
187
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,764
And then you got to have some age limits.
188
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,485
-Let's say over 20.
-Gotta keep it legal.
189
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,369
-Under 40.
-Keep it sexy.
190
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:33,521
Now, it's a million.
191
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,009
Right. We're talking about a million guys.
192
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,680
But half of them are married.
193
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,009
10% are gay.
194
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,730
I want someone college educated.
195
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,848
Not too ugly.
196
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,202
-So...
-There's your boyfriend.
197
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,401
I Wish.
198
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,362
He's got to be taller than me...
199
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:56,124
-(CHUCKLES)
-And he's got to want kids.
200
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,443
So, yeah, I'm on 10 different
dating websites to increase my odds.
201
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,761
So, what do you say?
202
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,365
You let me treat this bar
like it's my living room
203
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,364
and I won't call the cops every night
with a noise complaint.
204
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:08,841
Okay. Very cute.
205
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,890
-These are the women?
-Hmm.
206
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,361
Thanks.
207
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,929
Mmm. Mmm.
208
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:16,521
See you around.
209
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,121
Stupid.
210
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,361
Have a nice night.
211
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,522
Wait. What? Where are you going?
212
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:22,966
I'm going home.
213
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:24,128
What?
214
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,011
I never want to hear you
say that again. Ugh!
215
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,801
You're single now, okay?
You do not go home!
216
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,240
You shouldn't even have a home.
217
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:33,885
You should just have 500 square feet
218
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,963
where you keep some clothes
and occasionally bathe.
219
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,771
Well, okay, technically,
I'm not, like, single.
220
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:39,967
We're just on a break.
221
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,049
Uh, there's no such thing as a "break,"
222
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,321
Season-3 Ross.
223
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,766
No, we really are on a break.
224
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,445
We're just taking
a little bit of time apart
225
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,648
to make sure
we really want to be together.
226
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,201
Oh, so you're on some
kind of sexual rumspringa?
227
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,328
-No.
-Why didn't you say anything?
228
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:54,925
I could've made you take a half-day!
229
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,121
It was my first day at work.
230
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,367
Rumspringa!
231
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,568
What? No! Where are we going? (LAUGHS)
232
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,968
Ask me for a rum and coke
if you think you're gonna die.
233
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,451
Get out of here!
234
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,805
Uh... You said on your profile
you're a big dreamer.
235
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,241
No, please. (CHUCKLES)
236
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,802
No, no, I think I want
what everybody wants.
237
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,962
Cross off some things on the bucket list.
238
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,600
So, what is on your bucket list?
239
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:18,761
Usual stuff.
240
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,365
-Uh, Wrigley Fields.
-Mmm...
241
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,646
- Dolphin Trainer.
- Oh, boy.
242
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,007
Oh, my God. I love dolphins.
243
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,440
Loved, since forever.
244
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,444
Wow, no, no, you know, because the normal
ones are already checked off, you know?
245
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,125
-Mmm-hmm.
-Hot Carl.
246
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,121
-Dirty Sanchez.
-Yeah, that's--
247
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:33,770
-Golden Shower. That one.
-Oh.
248
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,644
I actually checked off by accident.
249
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,041
Thank you, prom. (CHUCKLES)
250
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,647
So, these aren't career goals
or life goals.
251
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,446
These are more sexual things.
252
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,051
Have you ever heard of the Whack-a-Mole?
253
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,281
Rum and coke.
254
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,766
Rum and Coke? Really?
255
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:48,961
I didn't think you'd want to do
256
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,246
a Rum and Coke with me on our first date.
257
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,801
-Um, rum and coke?
-I got to find a live hamster.
258
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,007
So, I guess I could trap a street rat.
259
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,161
I mean, we are in New York.
260
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,169
-Rum and coke!
-I got to go shave my legs.
261
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,567
-Drink more water.
-Oh. Okay.
262
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:00,721
Yo.
263
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,046
Go lock yourself in my office.
264
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,366
Thank you.
265
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,290
-(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
-Here we go.
266
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,884
Let me teach you how to be single.
267
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,449
Okay, lesson one. Go get us some drinks.
268
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,761
Okay.
269
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:17,645
No. That was a trick.
270
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,606
You don't buy the drinks.
Boys buy the drinks.
271
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,202
It's kind of like a sexual currency
that they use,
272
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,488
so they're not actually
paying you to hook up.
273
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,570
So, go get us a drink.
274
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,882
-Okay.
-Not... Not with this wallet.
275
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,644
-Okay.
-With the sausage wallet.
276
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:33,847
Which of you is buying oil right now?
277
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,001
Do you know how much...
278
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,725
Hey, what's up, y'all? (CHUCKLES)
279
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,730
I don't know why I just said "y'all."
280
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,446
"You all" would have taken
just as much time.
281
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:42,961
And I'm not even from the South,
282
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,929
I'm from Portland.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
283
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,363
Which is southern from Canada.
284
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,601
Are y'all Canadian?
285
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,808
I just did it again, I said it again.
286
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,810
My system should have weeded him out.
287
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,650
You probably read your data wrong.
288
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,008
I bet that guy told you
exactly who he was.
289
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,286
You just didn't want to hear it.
290
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,010
I tell the truth to girls all the time.
291
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,685
They hear what they want to hear.
292
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,405
That sounds like a load of crap.
293
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:05,607
(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
294
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,167
I'm not kidding. Watch this.
295
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,842
-Hey, sweetheart. Hey.
-Hi.
296
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,049
Hey, uh, you know we're only
sleeping together for fun, right?
297
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,447
Because I'm not interested
in long-term relationships,
298
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,250
so I think I'm gonna start
seeing other people
299
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,680
and I think you should move on, too.
300
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,605
Because I care about you,
301
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,603
and I don't want to see you get hurt.
302
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,445
Oh, I care about you, too.
303
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,485
Yeah. Hmm.
304
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:33,921
Wow.
305
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,284
You guys are super dressed-up. Funeral?
306
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,446
Oh, my God. Okay, bye.
307
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:40,931
That was a really bad idea.
308
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,969
This is stupid.
I should probably just go home.
309
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,121
- It's better.
- No, are you kidding?
310
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,611
You have a small window
311
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,723
in which to bang your way
through New York City.
312
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,804
No, Josh and I didn't break up
so I could see other people.
313
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,724
I'm trying to figure out who I am.
314
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,089
Then why don't you take this,
315
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,368
go home and stare at your beave?
316
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,203
Look, I'm just gonna
choose for you. All right?
317
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,329
Um... (GASPS) I know.
318
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,165
I would like to see your tongue
in that bartender's face.
319
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,361
ALICE: What?
320
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:07,601
ROBIN: Don't worry, I know him.
321
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,524
He's like a palate cleanser.
He's sexual sorbet.
322
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:10,681
That guy?
323
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,609
Yeah. I've heard he's really good in bed.
324
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,127
From myself,
because I might have slept with him.
325
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,441
I can't really remember.
326
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,011
Maybe, uh... It was winter.
327
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,527
Maybe I just used his dick
as a scarf. Let's go.
328
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:21,681
What?
329
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:22,967
Hey, Tom.
330
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,202
This is Alice. She's newly single
331
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:26,646
and needs to hook up
with a random stranger.
332
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,928
-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-Let me buy you a drink. Here you go.
333
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,366
-Thanks.
-Uh, thanks.
334
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,967
-Let me buy you a drink.
-(LAUGHS)
335
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,686
Welcome to the party.
336
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:37,681
Umm, cheers.
337
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,289
-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
-Whoo!
338
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,808
Come on! Yeah! Ha!
339
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,446
-Hi!
-Yeah!
340
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,201
-Hey.
-Hi.
341
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,888
Whoa! Whoa!
342
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,004
She just hit you in the face!
343
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,890
- Oh!
-Rumspringa!
344
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,087
(G ROANS)
345
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:37,766
MEG". Morning, sunshine.
346
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:38,921
No.
347
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,410
No, Meg! Ow! (GROANS)
348
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,365
Oh, my God.
349
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,170
Wakey-wakey.
350
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:49,641
(BOTH LAUGHING)
351
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,810
-A doctor?
-(MEG SCREAMS)
352
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,486
Did I have sex with a doctor?
Did we have sex?
353
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,361
-No.
-No?
354
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,244
No, we didn't have sex.
355
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,528
-I didn't sleep with anybody?
-No, I don't think so.
356
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:03,686
Why does it smell like weed in here?
357
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,842
-You have a little...
-What?
358
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,650
It's in your hair now.
359
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,007
It's just right...
360
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:11,521
-What?
-lt...
361
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,529
No, I just have long eyelashes.
362
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,760
It's a... You have a joint clinging...
363
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,007
Oh...
364
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,204
Yay! Free coffee!
365
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,131
Uh, take two Tylenol,
and make yourself some breakfast.
366
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,361
ALICE: I love you-.
367
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,602
-Love, love you.
-(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
368
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,563
(CHUCKLES)
Your roommate seems pretty cool.
369
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,763
Oh, she's my sister.
370
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:38,646
-Really?
-Mmm-hmm.
371
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,964
Uh, then I think I might have pissed
in your sister's litter box.
372
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:44,681
That's a Zen garden.
373
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,450
The cat has a Zen garden?
374
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,601
-ALICE: There's no cat.
-(MAN GROANS)
375
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,481
Where am I?
376
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,768
I knew I had sex in this apartment!
377
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,331
-Oh, yeah.
-What's up?
378
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,448
- Okay, where are we?
-(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
379
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,570
-Um, Broadway and 77th.
-Um...
380
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,451
We have to be at work in 30 minutes,
so we should probably go this way.
381
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,364
It's okay, I can do this in 20.
382
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:05,681
-Wait, do what?
-Let's go.
383
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,205
-Wait, do what?
-Time me!
384
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,321
Step one.
385
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:12,970
That stuff is for babies.
386
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,241
Babies with hangovers.
387
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,531
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
388
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:20,246
(SNORTS)
389
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,527
Baba, are we good?
390
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,804
Payment accepted. Let's go.
391
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,327
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
392
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,001
Hi!
393
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,884
Yeah, hi. I'm really interested
394
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,485
in buying a lot of your products but first
395
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,166
I need you to put all of them on my face,
396
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,288
in a very nice way, for free.
397
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,726
I'm gonna need a full face,
with a side of "Wow."
398
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:04,881
Okay.
399
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,249
Mimosa, hold the orange juice.
400
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,166
Here. Come on. Gimme.
401
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,287
(HAIR DRYER HISSING)
402
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,401
Nailed it.
403
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,290
You're three-and-a-half hours late.
404
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:29,762
Yay! Lunchtime!
405
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:32,761
MEG: And don't worry about the weight.
406
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,008
It should come off
after you stop nursing the infant.
407
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,050
-Katie. That's her name.
-Oh, okay.
408
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,804
- Oh, no. I have to pee.
-(KATIE CRYING)
409
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,485
It just falls out of me these days.
410
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:42,681
-Can you hold...
-No,no,no,no,no.
411
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,211
I'm not good with babies.
412
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,810
Hello. How are you today?
413
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,760
Your mom should be coming back soon.
414
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,086
ls, um, Katie short for Katherine?
415
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,644
See, some women
would look at what you just did
416
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,370
and think that you smiled.
417
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,124
But, because I'm a doctor,
418
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:07,763
I know that that was probably
just an involuntary tic, or gas.
419
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,561
You know what?
420
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,449
(WHISPERS) You're not that cute,
421
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,682
and I am not falling for it.
422
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,248
So, you just keep trying, but it is "no."
423
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:19,921
(LAUGHS)
424
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,885
-(GURGLES)
-Shut up, baby.
425
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,203
And, you know what? Don't touch that,
because that's not very sanitary.
426
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,930
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
427
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:31,124
Germs are little bugs,
like little microbes
428
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,204
that get into your mouth,
and they make you sick.
429
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,171
-(COOING)
- So, you eat your shoe.
430
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,921
(KISSING)
431
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:40,441
(GASPS)
432
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,764
You are not winning me over.
No, you're not.
433
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:46,488
Why do you put everything in your mouth?
434
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,008
Hello. Hi.
435
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,281
MEG". And so we're clear,
436
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,249
there are a lot of people in this world
437
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:06,767
who need things like you in their lives,
438
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,445
to feel complete.
439
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,964
lam not one of them.
I am fine without you.
440
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,564
Fine. You win.
441
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,045
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
442
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,881
If Tom texts you, which he won't,
because it's still daylight,
443
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,485
wait four hours to respond.
444
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,762
(SCOFFS) I was not
even thinking about Tom.
445
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,127
Anything sooner implies
that you're needy and really co-dependent
446
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:50,441
and incapable of a simple hookup,
447
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,801
which is all he's good for.
448
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,644
I think that I could actually
be, like, a good--
449
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,564
And, when you respond,
do not respond in full sentences.
450
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:56,721
Okay.
451
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,684
And if you use an emoji,
I will fucking tit-punch you.
452
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,001
Fine.
453
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:01,287
Fine.
454
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:02,841
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
455
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,409
(GASPS) No! No! Oh, no.
456
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,210
You can have this back
at the end of the day.
457
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,441
Fine.
458
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:18,881
An emoji?
459
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,528
(GASPS)
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
460
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,970
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
-(BOTH PANTING)
461
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,084
-This is so dumb.
-Okay.
462
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,685
It's not like I don't know
you're bad for me.
463
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:29,841
Sure.
464
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,126
And I'm not gonna be
one of those clichéd girls
465
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:32,805
who thinks I can, like,
change you, or something.
466
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,041
-No, you can't.
-No.
467
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:35,721
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
468
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:43,641
(SIGHS) I'm telling you.
469
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,684
Sex? It's the best way
to find out what you want.
470
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,322
Think about it,
the whole love thing, the whole,
471
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:51,369
"l just want a guy
to notice when I'm cold."
472
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,567
It's nice when a guy notices
473
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:53,926
when you're cold. It means he's--
474
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,202
It means he's faking it,
475
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:57,930
because he knows
that's what you want to hear.
476
00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,650
So, instead of being a psycho who pretends
477
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,245
that I give a shit if you're cold,
478
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,164
I tell everyone the same thing.
479
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,607
"If you're looking for the one,
that's not me.
480
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,647
"If you're looking for the one
to have a little fun with, I'm that one."
481
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,721
-Oh.
-Yep. (SIGHS)
482
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:16,367
- Whew!
- I've always been in relationships.
483
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,962
But, I guess
that's just because I actually
484
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,168
don't really know how to stay single.
485
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:22,725
Then you came to the right place.
486
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,403
The trick is to love them,
but get them to leave you.
487
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:27,641
That way, nobody gets hurt.
488
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:28,801
Check this out.
489
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:30,650
What do all these things
have in common? Go.
490
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,242
Um, ketchup and beer.
491
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,084
Pickles, chocolate sauce.
492
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,601
Are you pregnant?
493
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,161
No, they can't be used to make breakfast.
494
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,606
There's no reason
to stick around in the morning,
495
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:42,966
because you can't make an omelet.
496
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,202
Plus, no water. So, hungover chicks...
497
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,405
You got to leave to survive.
498
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,130
Except for that New York
water is delicious
499
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:50,725
and you can just drink it from the tap.
500
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,803
Yeah. But, uh...
501
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,442
From... What...
502
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,642
-Glass?
-Wow!
503
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:58,961
You're a piece of work.
504
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,281
Mmm-hmm.
505
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:04,481
Glass.
506
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,127
Okay, MacGyver, no woman's
gotten this far, but, um...
507
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,410
You had a plumber cut your water?
508
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,483
No. I did it myself.
509
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:16,721
What if you need to wash your hands?
510
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,041
What am I, a surgeon?
511
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:19,771
What if you get thirsty?
512
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:21,570
(TOM SIGHS)
513
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,170
-Nice. Well done.
-Yeah, right?
514
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,651
Totally thought it was a nightstand,
didn't you?
515
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,080
You're a psycho.
516
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,129
I'm not a psycho.
Look, most guys are like me,
517
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,770
they're just not honest about it.
518
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,081
I'm telling you,
519
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,729
this is what it's like out there.
520
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,441
-Why are you telling me this?
-(DOOR RATTLES)
521
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:38,921
I don't know.
522
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,443
It's just... You're different.
523
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,124
Oh, my God.
That's the thing you say to girls.
524
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,446
Yes, it is. Works, though, right?
525
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:51,601
Completely.
526
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,006
Anyway, end of the tour.
527
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,686
And, um, this was fun.
528
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,008
-(CLEARS THROAT)
-See you.
529
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,450
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
530
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:26,241
Hi.
531
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,568
-(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
-(EXHALES DEEPLY)
532
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,041
(JOSH GRUNTS)
533
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:36,366
Uh, mimosa?
534
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,525
Uh, no, I'm actually
on my way to a meeting.
535
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,729
So, I'm probably not gonna start drinking
at 8:30 on a Thursday.
536
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:47,091
Yeah, no, I didn't...
I don't want one, either.
537
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,404
Um, I got us chocolate chip pancakes
for the table, like we used to.
538
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,326
(CHUCKLES) Um, cool.
I don't have a lot of time, so...
539
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,448
Okay, no, then I'll just get right to it.
540
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,244
I'm done. I'm... I'm finally done.
541
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,564
What? What are you done with?
542
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:05,846
With our time apart.
543
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,126
I know it's been really difficult.
544
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:08,691
It's been difficult on both of us.
545
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:12,561
But, I'm finally ready
for us to be together.
546
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,201
And I'll never have to wonder
about anything else.
547
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:17,441
I'm seeing someone.
548
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,201
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
549
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,046
That is...
550
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:23,247
Congratulations.
551
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:25,601
ALICE: Um...
552
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,320
So, then, so, Josh, you want to just,
553
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,289
like, tell me when you're done, then?
554
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,044
I don't know, Alice.
555
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,884
Like, we can...
We'll just wait till you're done.
556
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:35,966
Shit's different, I'm not...
557
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:39,602
I'm not sure I want
the same things anymore.
558
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:40,921
(CHUCKLES)
559
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,411
You mean, like, me?
560
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,841
I didn't need an experiment
to know that I loved you.
561
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,127
And I'm not an idiot.
562
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:58,086
You're, I guess, done with
whatever you've been doing
563
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,647
with whoever you've been doing,
564
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,882
and you think you can come
running back to me?
565
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,845
No, thanks. I'll pass.
566
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:10,320
WINTER". Who ordered pancakes?
567
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,361
ALICE: Meg, I'm not
ready to be alone. I'm not.
568
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,290
I don't know how to reset my router.
569
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:18,481
I don't even know where it is.
570
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,569
I don't even really know
what, exactly, it does.
571
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:22,811
I'm gonna be alone forever.
572
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,609
At least my dead body
will serve as food for my cats.
573
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,406
In the eight weeks that it
takes for anybody to find me,
574
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,164
because nobody gives a fuck.
575
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,522
Why are you watching Bridget Jones?
576
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:35,806
-(SNIFFLING)
- What did I tell you?
577
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,166
It feels good in the moment.
578
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,886
I know, but it's a bad idea.
579
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:44,204
You get yourself all hopped up
on Sex and the City and Bridget Jones
580
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:47,523
and thinking that you need to have some
big single experience.
581
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:50,684
-Which, by the way, is total bullshit.
-No.
582
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:52,888
All those girls ever did
was look for boyfriends.
583
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,609
And this is a great thing,
because now you can focus on your career.
584
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,962
What? No! I put myself out,
into the world,
585
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:00,884
and it completely rejected me.
586
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,201
-(CORK POPS)
-Whoa!
587
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,291
Okay, you haven't been single
for that long!
588
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,441
Yeah.
589
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,962
You got to go around the board,
pass "Go," collect 200 dicks.
590
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:11,121
MEG: And you remember
591
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,487
the best thing that ever happened to me
592
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,449
was when I was thinking about
quitting medical school.
593
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,329
Please don't tell
the medical school story.
594
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,084
And then, my piece of shit
boyfriend, Bobby,
595
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,601
cheated on me with my lab partner,
596
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:25,287
because she was willing
to do things that I wasn't.
597
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:26,646
Did it involve midgets?
598
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:28,721
No.
599
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,128
I once slept with an albino.
600
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,090
Anyway, the good news is, now there are...
601
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:36,844
BOTH: 3,000 beautiful babies in the world
602
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,201
and no one can take that away
603
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,401
-from me.
-from her.
604
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,449
Why don't you go
to one of those alumni events?
605
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:42,601
An alumni event?
606
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,201
You go, and you network with people
607
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:48,330
and if you really love what you do
608
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,364
then the whole guy thing is easier.
609
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:53,728
No! I don't want to be like you, Meg.
610
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,326
I don't want my job to be my entire life.
611
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:57,561
ROBIN: Ooh.
612
00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,922
Okay. Sisters, time-out.
613
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,441
There are pros and cons
to both of you, okay?
614
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,206
Pros. Young, beautiful.
615
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:10,204
Pros. Also beautiful, for your age.
616
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,601
Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.
617
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,524
Cons. No access to pills.
618
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,523
Cons. You're really stingy with the pills.
619
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:17,721
Right.
620
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,285
Pros. Loves me unconditionally.
621
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,169
Gives me the spare key to the apartment.
622
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:22,560
Has a very nice underwear drawer.
623
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:24,046
Very neat and organized.
624
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:25,440
You have a key to my apartment?
625
00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:27,290
Cons. Asks too many personal questions.
626
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:33,286
Okay. I'm gonna take my old, lonely,
workaholic ass back to the hospital.
627
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:39,166
Cons. Ugly when sad.
628
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:41,290
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
629
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,729
-Hey, did you bring a sandwich from home?
-Mmm.
630
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,522
Are you wearing pajamas in a bar?
631
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:53,681
They're sweatpants.
632
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:54,841
I think you're bumming some people out.
633
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,088
You might want to take your
"give up" pants and go home.
634
00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:58,241
Leave me alone.
635
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,324
(LAUGHING) I love this bar.
636
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:02,925
Lucy?
637
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:05,321
BRITTANY; Lucy?
638
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:06,481
Hi!
639
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:08,526
Oh, my God!
640
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,324
Brittany! Hi!
641
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:11,845
-How are you?
-How are you?
642
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:13,081
I'm getting married!
643
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:14,446
-She's getting married!
-(ALL SHRIEKING)
644
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,368
That is just the best news
I've ever heard in my entire life!
645
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:19,681
Oh, yay!
646
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:20,887
How old are your kids?
647
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:22,520
No. (CHUCKLES)
648
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,970
I don't have any.
I just read to them sometimes.
649
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:28,251
But not in, like, a sad way.
650
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,323
It's more like a volunteer thing?
651
00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:31,761
ALL: Oh. Oh.
652
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:33,651
Yeah. Yeah.
653
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:34,961
So, are you married?
654
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:36,480
No. (CHUCKLES) No.
655
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:37,641
Dating anyone?
656
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:39,086
Afraid not.
657
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:40,526
Are you divorced?
658
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:42,409
(GASPS) No, no one's ever loved me enough
659
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:44,403
to eventually divorce me.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
660
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,371
You got to get in the game,
before you can lose, so...
661
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:51,366
I'm not even a good loser, yet. (MUMBLING)
662
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:53,445
Oh, my God, are those penis straws?
663
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,802
You guys are gonna have
a crazy night tonight!
664
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:56,961
Hi...
665
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:01,960
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
666
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:06,766
Hey, baby.
667
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:09,571
This is, um...
668
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,803
It's all right, you can say it.
Miss Independent right here, right?
669
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:13,961
I'm her boyfriend.
670
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:15,685
-ALL: Oh...
-He's your boyfriend.
671
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:16,881
LUCY: This is my boyfriend.
672
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,765
God, doesn't she look smoking hot
in these sweatpants?
673
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:21,962
Oh, wow, that's so sweet.
674
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,168
This is Brittany.
She's getting married, obviously.
675
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:25,367
Oh, you're the one getting married.
676
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,244
-Marriage!
-(ALL CHEERING)
677
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:29,762
The end of spontaneous sex,
traveling by yourself
678
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,605
and buying whatever you want
without having to ask permission, right?
679
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:35,810
Marriage! (LAUGHS)
680
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,850
Congratulations, good luck with it.
I hope it lasts.
681
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,688
Sorry. No filter.
682
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,688
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
683
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,284
(LAUGHING)
684
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:06,046
Hey, listen. I hope, uh,
that kiss wasn't too much.
685
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,726
Oh, my God. No, no, that was awesome!
686
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,804
Thank you so much! Good night.
687
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:16,802
(GLASSES CLANKING AND RATTLING)
688
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:26,809
(CLATTERS AND JANGLES)
689
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:48,601
(SIGHS)
690
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:51,801
(GROANING)
691
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,042
Come on, you fucking bitch.
692
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:05,081
Hey-
693
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,841
Sorry. Was that supposed to be
a private moment?
694
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:10,490
I can't get my Zipper-
695
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,291
I'm sorry for what I said to you.
696
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:15,441
What?
697
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:16,761
I said, I'm sorry for what I said to you.
698
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:17,921
Can't hear you.
699
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,842
I said I'm sorry for what I
said to you! (CHUCKLES)
700
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:28,003
-(SIGHS)
-What?
701
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,483
I'm gonna have a baby.
702
00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:32,369
-What?
-I found a sperm donor.
703
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,648
This guy. He's of Swedish descent.
704
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,245
-Oh, my God.
-He has no known cancers
705
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,131
on either side of his family,
no history of drug abuse.
706
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,362
No history of any kind
of mental illness, or--
707
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:42,925
-Oh, my God.
-I know.
708
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:44,923
-Oh, my God.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
709
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:47,645
I know.
710
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:49,645
Wait. Do you think it's a bad idea?
711
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:51,370
Why are you saying
"Oh, my God" five times?
712
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,010
No, but... Wait, when do you meet him?
713
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:54,201
That's the best part.
714
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,648
I never, ever have to meet him,
or any of his family.
715
00:32:57,800 --> 00:32:59,609
There's no strings attached at all.
716
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:01,285
Nothing. ls that crazy?
717
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:04,011
No. Oh, my God, you're gonna have a baby.
718
00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,049
-I know!
-You're gonna have a baby!
719
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:08,364
-(LAUGHS)
- I'm so happy for you.
720
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:10,563
You'll always be my baby first.
721
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:14,161
But you do need to grow up.
722
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:16,485
And you do need to move out
by this Friday.
723
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:17,681
What?
724
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:19,450
The co-op board found out you were here.
725
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,563
ls this a bad idea? Would you tell me?
726
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:23,802
No, you're gonna be
the best mom in the world.
727
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,200
Wait. Just go back.
728
00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:27,681
What was that thing
that you just said about the co-op board?
729
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,046
You need to be out by Friday.
730
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:32,130
But you're allowed to have guests.
731
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:36,006
Yes. But my guests aren't allowed
to slide down the trash chute, naked.
732
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,123
I didn't go naked down the...
733
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:40,330
on. (GULPS)
734
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:42,444
-Robin did that.
-Mmm-hmm.
735
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,447
I've seen security footage. And it just...
736
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:46,846
-(EXCLAIMS)
- Hmm.
737
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:49,285
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
738
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:07,326
-I don't know.
-(CHEERS)
739
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:09,045
It seems kind of homey,
740
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:10,964
like you'd actually
want to spend time here.
741
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,283
Oh, this could be a reading window.
742
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,283
Reading is for ugly losers.
743
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:17,930
(EXHALES) I don't know. l really like it.
744
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:19,650
Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!
745
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:20,847
BROKER: Wait! No, don't do that!
746
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,968
That just... That just fell off.
747
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:24,286
I think I'm gonna take it.
748
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:25,771
ROBIN: This place is dangerous.
749
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:27,251
It's perfect. (CHUCKLES)
750
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:30,131
-Don't let that... Don't...
-(CLANGS)
751
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:32,962
- Did that just break?
- Yeah.
752
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:35,688
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
753
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,161
(CUTLERY CLANKS)
754
00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:35,890
(YAWNS) Good night.
755
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,405
That was weird.
756
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:45,481
Maybe you should just leave it in there.
757
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:46,926
Maybe you shouldn't shake it like that.
758
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,531
What, it's gonna make the pee go in there.
759
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,081
No, it doesn't work like that.
That's not a Polaroid.
760
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:53,089
I'm gonna be the best auntie, ever. lam.
761
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:54,770
I'm gonna give that kid whatever it wants.
762
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:56,530
Forever. All the sugar in the world.
763
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:57,966
Don't get your hopes up, okay?
764
00:35:58,120 --> 00:35:59,804
Because it never works on the first time.
765
00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:01,166
- It's too late.
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
766
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:06,081
Mmm.
767
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:08,808
See? I told you.
768
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:10,766
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
769
00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:13,241
No, it always... This is...
770
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:15,886
It doesn't usually work
on the first time, like I said.
771
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:17,771
What?
772
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,890
I deal with this kind of thing
all the time. You know that.
773
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:27,966
Are you drinking enough water?
774
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,527
Your lips are really dry,
which means you're dehydrated.
775
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:33,324
I'll go get you some water.
776
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:39,803
(MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
777
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:43,121
These plums are available through
late summer, early autumn.
778
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:44,281
JOSH". Alice!
779
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:47,290
WOMAN: (ON TV) And they're just wonderful,
they're called Italian prune plums.
780
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:50,566
So, we're gonna make
a little bit of caramel
781
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:53,451
with a cup of sugar,
and a third of a cup of water.
782
00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:54,806
I'm just gonna cook it over medium heat
783
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:56,849
until it's nice
and caramelized and brown...
784
00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:58,047
JOSH: Alice!
785
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:03,565
-Hi.
-Hi.
786
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:04,801
My buzzer's broken.
787
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:07,531
It's like if Romeo and Juliet
had lived in New York.
788
00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:09,688
-(CHUCKLES)
-That was bad. Can I come up?
789
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:10,841
Yeah.
790
00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:14,481
(JANGLES)
791
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,802
WOMAN: (ON TV) If you want to
make this cake another time..
792
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:26,406
(UTENSILS CLATTERING)
793
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:31,003
(CLATTERING)
794
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:35,881
Hey-
795
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:37,286
Hey-
796
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:38,606
It's good to see you.
797
00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,331
So good to see you. What's up?
798
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,770
Well, I was going through my closet,
and I found a bunch of your old stuff,
799
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,002
so I thought you might want it.
800
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:48,841
(CHUCKLES)
801
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,840
I could've come by to get this.
802
00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:57,643
Well, actually,
that's the thing, is, um...
803
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,289
That's part of why I wanted to come over.
804
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:01,521
-Uh...
-(CLEARS THROAT)
805
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,880
So, Michelle is moving in tomorrow.
806
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:09,041
-So...
-Wow!
807
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,483
-Michelle.
-(TAPS)
808
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:14,281
She's got a name and everything.
809
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:15,487
She's got a name.
810
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:16,687
Well, technically,
she's always had a name.
811
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,649
-Mmm-hmm.
-I mean, her lease was up
812
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:20,086
and I was with this Craigslist guy,
813
00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:21,605
-and he started stealing my socks.
-Mmm-hmm.
814
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:22,841
And so, it just made sense.
815
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:24,650
- It makes sense.
- And we're excited.
816
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,882
Mmm-hmm. We are. You said "we." Okay.
817
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:28,041
So...
818
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:30,009
So let me give you the tour.
819
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:31,326
Um, this is the kitchen.
820
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:33,084
This is the dining room.
821
00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:38,280
This is the living room
workspace-bedroom region.
822
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:40,283
And are you working on your Spanish?
823
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,211
Oh, that's been that way since I moved in,
and I don't know how to fix it.
824
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,124
And now I don't know
what the world would be like
825
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:47,884
if it wasn't in Spanish.
826
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:53,765
It's pretty easy, you know, it's...
827
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:02,806
Alice.
828
00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,886
-(SNIFFLES) You're so handy.
-(SIGHS)
829
00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:08,641
Alice.
830
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:10,802
Michelle is a really lucky girl.
831
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:12,481
(CHUCKLES)
832
00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:15,728
I didn't expect for this to happen.
833
00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:17,721
I just...
834
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:24,846
I stopped comparing everyone to you
and then I met someone pretty great.
835
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:28,050
I'm super happy for you.
836
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:30,446
Yeah, I can see that.
837
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:35,043
Alice. All right.
838
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,445
-(CLEARS THROAT)
- I'm gonna go.
839
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:38,641
Okay. (SNIFFLES)
840
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:41,849
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
841
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:55,129
You need to move on.
842
00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:58,481
Fine.
843
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:03,201
Uh, no going backwards, only forwards.
You can't sleep with Tom again.
844
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:05,124
Well, then, we're gonna
have to start going
845
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,169
to a different bar, girlfriend.
846
00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:11,245
No, you'll be fine,
just don't hit your drink number with him.
847
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,529
What's my drink number?
848
00:40:13,720 --> 00:40:15,722
In every male-female friendship,
849
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,644
there's a total number of drinks
850
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,371
and if you hit that,
it means you will definitely have sex.
851
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:22,449
So, how many drinks does it take
to get you wasted?
852
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:23,601
Two and a half
853
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:25,842
-but maybe three, if I've eaten.
-Three.
854
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,684
Okay, and Tom's is eight.
855
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,651
So, you can't hit eleven drinks
between the two of you.
856
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:32,723
-Okay.
-Not one for you, 10 for him.
857
00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:35,049
Not six for him, five for you.
858
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,806
If I had more than five drinks,
I'd hook up with you.
859
00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:39,530
My drink number is 27.
860
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:40,681
What?
861
00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:43,121
I wouldn't even touch myself
on less than 24.
862
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:44,367
That's...
863
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,283
What are you doing? Stop.
864
00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:49,169
-What is that?
-Stop.
865
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:51,681
(SCREAMS)
866
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:53,087
Oh, my God.
867
00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:54,241
I thought that was gonna be boiling hot.
868
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:55,521
It's actually really cold.
869
00:40:55,720 --> 00:40:56,721
You have LTRP.
870
00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,042
-Oh, my God. I do?
-Yeah.
871
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,929
Tom gave it to me. For sure.
872
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:02,320
Wait. What's LTRP?
873
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:03,806
Long-Term Relationship Pussy.
874
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:05,689
You really need to get that taken care of.
875
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:07,729
What do you mean? I barely have any hair.
876
00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,850
It's like you dropped your hairbrush
and your vagina caught it.
877
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,401
I could make dreadlocks with that bush
and form a reggae band.
878
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:16,041
That looks like a whole bowl
of petrified curly fries.
879
00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:18,721
It's like Gandalf is staring right at me.
880
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:22,045
(MIMICS GANDALF) "No penis shall pass!"
881
00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:24,407
You've ruined so many things for me.
882
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:25,927
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
883
00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:38,164
-(SIGHS)
-(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
884
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:43,961
Hi.
885
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:45,884
Hi. What are you here for?
886
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:51,048
Um, lam here to
finally put myself out there.
887
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:54,249
Like, in a real way. You know?
888
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:57,244
Not just physically,
but, like, emotionally.
889
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:58,401
Yeah.
890
00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:01,365
No, I was asking
what event are you here for?
891
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:03,051
Oh, um...
892
00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:04,727
Oh, my God.
893
00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:07,049
The Wesleyan Alumni Networking Event.
894
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:08,247
Cool.
895
00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:11,280
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
896
00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:20,161
Oh, I'm sorry.
897
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:21,407
Sorry, Sorry.
898
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:23,444
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
899
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:24,641
Oh, my God, we're...
900
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:27,007
(SINGING KATY PERRY SONG PEACOCK)
901
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:32,081
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
902
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,086
Hey. Get back over there,
you're screwing up the harmonies.
903
00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:48,641
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
904
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:50,725
- I'm David Stone, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
905
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:52,046
Hey, I'm Alice.
906
00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:53,361
Alice...
907
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:54,840
-Kepley.
-Kepley.
908
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:56,650
-It's not as good as Stone.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
909
00:42:57,120 --> 00:42:58,485
Do you want one of my business cards?
910
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,365
Or maybe 400 of them,
so you could tile your bathroom?
911
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:02,521
Well, what's on them?
912
00:43:02,720 --> 00:43:04,722
Um, my Social Security Number,
913
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:07,486
my mom's maiden name, my ATM PIN.
914
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:08,641
That's what goes on these, right?
915
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,683
-Absolutely, the essentials.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
916
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:12,041
What do you do?
917
00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:13,601
Um, I'm a paralegal.
918
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:14,761
Okay.
919
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:16,331
At Brown, Light and Finkelstein.
920
00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:18,960
-ls that 144 Wall Street?
-Yeah.
921
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:20,565
Yeah, I have the building right next door.
922
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:22,171
You "have" the building?
923
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:24,846
Like, in a Fantasy Building League?
924
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:27,128
No. Um, I don't "have" the building,
925
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:28,805
-I kind of own it.
-Oh.
926
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:30,331
There's no way to make that sound right.
927
00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:32,323
I'm a developer, so, it's not just me.
928
00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:33,845
It's like a group of people, but--
929
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:35,570
That's like a real-ass job, man.
930
00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:37,210
Yeah, I know, it's the worst.
931
00:43:37,360 --> 00:43:38,361
(BOTH LAUGHING)
932
00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:40,721
Oh, your team.
933
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,365
We really need to work on our repertoire.
934
00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:44,648
- Are you kidding me? This is my jam!
- Is it?
935
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:48,646
Yeah, this is like my top 13th
favorite song of all time.
936
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:49,841
-(LAUGHS)
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
937
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:52,805
I'm sorry, it's my daughter.
938
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:54,405
Oh, yeah, no, totally. Me, too.
939
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,961
I mean, I'm a... I'm... A daughter.
940
00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:58,690
- It was great to meet you.
-(CHUCKLES)
941
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:00,365
Bye. Yeah.
942
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:02,841
-(CONTINUE SINGING)
-(CLEARS THROAT)
943
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:08,770
MEG: Okay, 30 more seconds.
944
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:10,641
Twenty-seven.
945
00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:13,760
It said three to 1 O minutes,
is that right?
946
00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:15,851
I'm doing this in solidarity.
947
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:18,685
Guys. Mine's positive.
948
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:21,171
-What?
-What?
949
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:22,881
Wait.
950
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,521
I'm taking a drug test.
ls that what you guys are doing?
951
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,166
-No.
-No.
952
00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:28,721
(BEEPING)
953
00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:33,650
(LAUGHING)
954
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:36,881
- I'm...
-(LAUGHING)
955
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:38,201
You're pregnant.
956
00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:39,441
I'm pregnant.
957
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:41,051
It's all right, don't worry.
958
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:42,646
We'll take care of it.
959
00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:45,807
I mean, "Yes!"
960
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:47,405
You're pregnant!
961
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:49,491
We're pregnant!
962
00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:50,880
I'm not pregnant!
963
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:52,605
I'm on drugs!
964
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:54,047
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
965
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,731
I found my peanut! This is Paul.
966
00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:20,881
Hey-
967
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:22,166
He has so many teeth.
968
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:23,441
(LAUGHS)
969
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:26,321
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
970
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:34,281
What up, office fools?
It's time for Secret Santa!
971
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:37,485
Who's ready to reach into
my cleave of wonders
972
00:45:37,640 --> 00:45:39,085
and win themselves a prize?
973
00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:41,686
Doris, I'm coming to you first, baby.
974
00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:46,851
Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!
975
00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:50,206
You have won Kathy's credit card.
976
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:51,441
Let's go, dance circle!
977
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,211
Bridget, come on in here, you slut!
978
00:45:57,080 --> 00:46:00,129
How many sliders does it take
to equal a whole burger?
979
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:02,121
What?
980
00:46:02,600 --> 00:46:05,365
(MUFFLED) How many little burgers
does it take to make a whole burger?
981
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:07,682
(SNORTS) You're crazy.
982
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:08,966
Don't call me crazy.
983
00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:11,288
Don't ever call a pregnant woman crazy.
984
00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:12,965
-Okay. All right.
-Not ever. Never.
985
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:14,161
Okay.
986
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:16,243
How many little meats
make up a whole big meat?
987
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,329
I don't know, maybe four?
988
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:21,407
I've had seven.
989
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:22,891
Eight. I meant eight.
990
00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:24,246
ls it four, or is it eight?
991
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:26,721
It's eight, or more. Everyone knows that.
992
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:27,881
Who told you that?
993
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:29,201
The slider guy.
994
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:33,323
Please blink, so I know you're in there.
995
00:46:34,160 --> 00:46:35,286
- I'm sorry.
-(EXHALES) God.
996
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:39,201
I just have blood pumping through my body
in an uncomfortable way
997
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:41,971
and it feels like
it's all accumulating right here.
998
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:44,327
Don't touch yourself like that
in my workplace.
999
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,482
-I need a man.
-A man?
1000
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,483
I don't know...
I don't know what's happening.
1001
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:50,085
It's, like, the hormones or something.
1002
00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:51,327
Actually...
1003
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,926
The new guy
has sort of been checking you out.
1004
00:46:55,240 --> 00:46:56,287
-Which one?
-He's...
1005
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:02,041
-Did you get it?
-No.
1006
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:04,009
All right. He's like...
1007
00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:07,205
Right over there.
1008
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:11,644
-No. No.
-Why?
1009
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:13,689
Because he's too young.
1010
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:15,842
All young guys want to do
is have sex all day.
1011
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:21,211
All I need is just a quick 10 minutes,
and then a really long nap.
1012
00:47:22,400 --> 00:47:23,970
How old is that little niblet, anyway?
1013
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:27,170
Like, twenty-seven?
1014
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:29,250
The only reason a guy like that
would ever talk to me
1015
00:47:29,400 --> 00:47:31,289
is to get a prescription
for medical marijuana.
1016
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:32,441
So, no.
1017
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:34,762
I think he's coming over.
Yeah, he's totally wanting it.
1018
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:36,445
Wait, he might be going to the food.
1019
00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:38,648
Don't look over there. No, he's coming.
1020
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:40,601
He's here.
1021
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:42,771
Just saw you looking at me over there.
1022
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:45,804
I thought I'd come over, say "What's up."
1023
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:47,247
-Hmm.
-Or...
1024
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:49,241
(CHUCKLES)
1025
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:50,726
Oh, my God, did I misread that?
1026
00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:52,848
(STUTTERS) Were you not...
Were you just talking about...
1027
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:54,923
Um, did you not want me to come over?
1028
00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:00,366
Hey, I'm Ken.
1029
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:03,321
-Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
-You must be Alice's sister.
1030
00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:04,561
-Do you want a drink?
-No.
1031
00:48:04,720 --> 00:48:08,281
-Can I get you...
-I had a lot of drinks earlier today.
1032
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:09,721
-(CLICKS TONGUE)
-(EXHALES)
1033
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:11,724
Have you heard anything
about an after-party?
1034
00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:14,201
Or even, like, another part of this party?
1035
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:18,206
Because this feels like
a longer day at work, than...
1036
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:19,921
Oh, my God, am I boring you?
1037
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:21,804
ls that... Are you trying not to yawn?
1038
00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:23,804
-Mmm-mmm.
-That's just your face?
1039
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:27,402
No, I'm sorry.
I'm a doctor, and I'm just really tired.
1040
00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:29,005
What is it you were saying you do?
1041
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,923
I wasn't, but I work here, for now.
1042
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:34,161
But, um...
1043
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:37,211
Oh, my God, are you having a stroke?
1044
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:38,771
Seriously, this is the honeymoon.
1045
00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:40,365
Like, we just met 30 seconds ago.
1046
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:42,803
Honestly, like, if we're not
gonna make it through this,
1047
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:44,610
I don't think we're gonna make it at all.
1048
00:48:44,760 --> 00:48:46,967
So, why don't you just, like, let her rip?
1049
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:48,849
-Okay.
-Like, let it all out.
1050
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:51,411
Yeah.
1051
00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:53,529
-(YAWN S)
-How awesome was that?
1052
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:54,761
That feels so good.
1053
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:56,524
-Right?
-(CHUCKLES)
1054
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,411
Who are you, again?
1055
00:48:58,800 --> 00:48:59,847
I'm, uh, Ken.
1056
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:01,644
And what's going on here?
1057
00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:02,841
-ls this-- (CHUCKLES)
-I don't--
1058
00:49:03,040 --> 00:49:04,724
ls this one of those fetish things?
1059
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:08,003
Where you're, like, a foot fetish.
Am I the foot?
1060
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:10,482
Do you want to be the foot?
1061
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:14,247
I'm not into feet,
but I would like to go out with you.
1062
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:15,447
Oh.
1063
00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:16,806
-Yes.
-Why?
1064
00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:19,243
Really? I... Do you not want me to?
1065
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:21,528
I do! I... That's not what I was saying.
1066
00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:22,886
No, I was just wondering why.
1067
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:24,929
Because I think you're hot.
1068
00:49:25,080 --> 00:49:27,048
-(LAUGHS)
-And I think you're funny.
1069
00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:29,641
And I like the face you make
when you're trying not to yawn.
1070
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,121
And then you have an awesome yawn
after that, so...
1071
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:34,368
I mean, that's always something
I've looked for in a girl.
1072
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:35,601
-(CHUCKLES)
-I don't know.
1073
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:37,081
But, cheers.
1074
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:40,404
-Holy shit, that's a candle.
-(MEG CLEARS THROAT)
1075
00:49:41,040 --> 00:49:43,122
So, do you wanna just go do this, then?
1076
00:49:44,640 --> 00:49:46,642
(RETRO MUSIC PLAYING)
1077
00:49:55,720 --> 00:49:57,085
I don't want anything serious.
1078
00:49:57,240 --> 00:49:59,163
Good, because I'm saving
myself for marriage.
1079
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:01,204
I'm just kidding.
1080
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:03,848
My God, your body is awesome!
1081
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:06,571
Do I smell like hamburgers?
1082
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:08,609
You taste like hamburgers.
1083
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:12,166
-(LAUGHING)
-That's totally beautiful.
1084
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:18,448
You didn't really have to come
all the way here with me, you know?
1085
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,807
And miss a subway ride with you?
1086
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:22,769
That's like 20 extra minutes of Paul time.
1087
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:24,649
-Aw. Thank you. Yeah.
-(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1088
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:26,484
Actually, I got you something.
1089
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:27,641
Oh, okay.
1090
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:29,882
I have a sandwich for the train ride.
1091
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:31,405
Oh, thank you.
1092
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:34,450
And there's a bagel in there, too,
in case you don't want the sandwich.
1093
00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:37,080
It's a 45-minute train ride,
but thank you.
1094
00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:38,881
-And there's this.
-What?
1095
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:40,041
Merry Christmas.
1096
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:41,531
You shouldn't have.
1097
00:50:41,720 --> 00:50:43,484
-Really, it's just a little thing that...
-Oh.
1098
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:45,523
Open it now, yeah.
1099
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:48,928
Whoa! These are pictures of us.
1100
00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:51,401
It's memories of all our time together.
1101
00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:55,002
Yeah, there's three weeks of photos.
That's...
1102
00:50:55,160 --> 00:50:56,924
And then we can fill in the rest.
1103
00:50:58,320 --> 00:50:59,810
Oh. So...
1104
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:04,330
Look, Lucy, I really care about you.
1105
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:07,804
And I just don't know if we want to think
1106
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,604
too much in the long term,
1107
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:12,650
only because I don't know
if I see a future with you.
1108
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:16,204
Normally, I break up with people
before the holidays.
1109
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,488
Just so, you know,
they don't get the wrong idea.
1110
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:21,007
But I just thought,
since we're dating other people...
1111
00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:24,289
I would just wait and break up with you
on Martin Luther King Day.
1112
00:51:25,240 --> 00:51:27,641
Okay, I have no idea what that means,
but it sounds vaguely racist.
1113
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:29,802
Just, statistically,
it's the easiest holiday
1114
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:31,530
to break up with someone on, you know?
1115
00:51:31,680 --> 00:51:35,571
I mean, there's no family obligations,
you can get out before Valentine's Day.
1116
00:51:35,720 --> 00:51:38,690
I'm sorry, did you just say
you're seeing other people?
1117
00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:39,927
Yeah.
1118
00:51:40,120 --> 00:51:42,327
I mean, isn't that the whole
point of online dating?
1119
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:43,841
No.
1120
00:51:44,120 --> 00:51:46,361
It's to find your soul mate!
1121
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:47,521
(ECHOING)
1122
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:53,049
I, uh, think maybe we should
only see other people.
1123
00:51:54,120 --> 00:51:55,849
Okay. Great talk.
1124
00:51:57,640 --> 00:51:58,641
Bye.
1125
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:01,487
Just“
1126
00:52:01,840 --> 00:52:03,683
Uh, merry Christmas.
1127
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:11,724
"'We're safe!‘ said Paul,
as they ran from the dragon."
1128
00:52:12,240 --> 00:52:13,571
Um, who's Paul?
1129
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:16,967
Sorry, "the Prince."
1130
00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:22,931
"Then, he leaned in to kiss her,
and finally said..."
1131
00:52:27,760 --> 00:52:29,091
Oh, that's rich.
1132
00:52:29,240 --> 00:52:30,446
How does the story end?
1133
00:52:30,720 --> 00:52:32,085
I'll tell you how it ends.
1134
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:34,921
He kisses her, and she wakes up
1135
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:37,401
and finally feels loved
1136
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:40,048
and understood, and wanted.
1137
00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:43,284
But then, her friend sees him
dining with the peach lady
1138
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:46,250
and before she knows it,
she's kicked out of the castle.
1139
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:48,684
"The peach lady"?
1140
00:52:48,840 --> 00:52:50,444
You bet your sweet ass "the peach lady."
1141
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:55,402
And now, you know,
she's fixating on all her mistakes
1142
00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:58,689
and all the money she spent on makeup
1143
00:52:58,840 --> 00:53:01,810
and blow-outs, and the heels!
1144
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:04,361
The heels! Walking around on these.
1145
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:07,325
And I'm not supposed
to have any hair here.
1146
00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:10,131
No hair here, but tons of it here.
1147
00:53:10,280 --> 00:53:12,009
I'm supposed to have a ton,
a ton of it here.
1148
00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:13,446
You think this is all real?
1149
00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:15,443
-You think that it's all real?
-No.
1150
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:16,761
And Spanx!
1151
00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:19,930
Girls. Never wear Spanx.
1152
00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:21,605
Because the endgame
is to take them off, anyway
1153
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:24,406
and then the prince
is gonna see all your dumplings
1154
00:53:24,560 --> 00:53:26,210
and there ain't nothing less attractive
1155
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:27,850
than trying to squiggle your way
1156
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:30,651
out of what's basically sausage casing.
1157
00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:31,881
Look at these links!
1158
00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:35,203
You know what, why don't we push pause
on story time for just a second, huh?
1159
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:36,646
Okay, you know what? Sorry.
1160
00:53:36,800 --> 00:53:38,245
-Are you kidding me?
-GEORGE: Hey, hey. Okay.
1161
00:53:38,440 --> 00:53:39,771
-These are kid scissors.
-They don't work.
1162
00:53:39,920 --> 00:53:41,968
If your Spanx were made
of construction paper, they would.
1163
00:53:42,120 --> 00:53:45,203
- And that's how the story ends.
-(GRUNTING)
1164
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:47,010
Parents, I'm gonna ask you
to sign something
1165
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:48,486
before you leave, if you don't mind.
1166
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:49,641
-Story time next week.
-(YELPS)
1167
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:52,246
Same time, same place, different reader.
1168
00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:53,606
Thank you. Okay, now.
1169
00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:55,125
Hey, you. Hey. How are you?
1170
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:57,487
- Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.
-(PANTING)
1171
00:53:58,080 --> 00:53:59,445
Oh, that was terrible.
1172
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:02,285
You scared all the kids,
terrified a lot of parents.
1173
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:06,009
But it was also kind of awesome.
1174
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:09,490
I'm George.
1175
00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:13,041
Lucy.
1176
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:17,761
-Hey.
-Hi.
1177
00:54:17,960 --> 00:54:19,644
-Hey.
-Hey!
1178
00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:21,131
Hey! Oh, thank you.
1179
00:54:21,320 --> 00:54:22,481
- For you.
- I'll take that.
1180
00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:24,130
-Oh, no.
-That's Robin's.
1181
00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:26,561
Yeah. I like to keep this on my own rack.
1182
00:54:27,120 --> 00:54:28,360
Sorry, we're late.
1183
00:54:28,520 --> 00:54:30,522
No, it's okay.
I'm glad you guys could come.
1184
00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:34,241
I know it's tough to be single
around this time of year, so...
1185
00:54:34,640 --> 00:54:35,880
Why do people always say that?
1186
00:54:36,080 --> 00:54:38,242
The holidays is the best time
to be single.
1187
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:40,881
Parties every night, free-flowing booze.
1188
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:43,486
Santa's beard tickling your inner thigh.
1189
00:54:43,720 --> 00:54:45,051
-What?
-Night.
1190
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:46,770
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, take your jacket...
1191
00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:48,046
Here, you want me to get your...
1192
00:54:48,200 --> 00:54:49,201
Thanks for having us.
1193
00:54:49,360 --> 00:54:52,921
Yeah, sure.
I know it's been tough for you.
1194
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:54,770
-For me?
-Yeah.
1195
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:56,331
No, I'm good.
1196
00:54:56,800 --> 00:55:00,043
It's really cool of your girlfriend
to be okay with me coming tonight.
1197
00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:02,202
Yeah. Yeah, I know, she's really mature.
1198
00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:05,444
And, um, also, I told her
you're my cousin.
1199
00:55:05,600 --> 00:55:07,728
- Hi, baby.
- Hey. Hi.
1200
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,087
Oh, you must be Alice.
1201
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:12,044
m
-Hi.
1202
00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:14,561
(HORNS HONKING)
1203
00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:19,721
-KEN: on, Meg!
-(GASPS)
1204
00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:21,081
-Hi.
-Hey.
1205
00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:22,480
Hi, what are you doing here?
1206
00:55:22,640 --> 00:55:23,641
I brought you hot chocolate.
1207
00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:25,922
-For what?
-For drinking.
1208
00:55:26,080 --> 00:55:27,844
Oh, I have to be back
at work in eight minutes.
1209
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:29,047
Perfect.
1210
00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:30,406
-Oh, thank you.
-Sure.
1211
00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:32,289
That was nice. Hi.
1212
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:34,121
It's good to see you. You look good.
1213
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:35,691
Oh, oh, there's bourbon in there.
1214
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:37,001
Also, was that a real-life spit take?
1215
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:39,162
- Mmm-hmm.
- I've never seen one in real life.
1216
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:40,845
I just sort of thought it would be like...
1217
00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:44,566
-Wow!
-You know?
1218
00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:45,721
(GIGGLES) Yeah.
1219
00:55:46,200 --> 00:55:47,406
That was good, yeah.
1220
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:51,360
I can't drink alcohol right now
because I'm about to deliver a baby.
1221
00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:53,450
It's so cool you're a doctor.
1222
00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:56,761
- It's so cool that you're...
- A receptionist.
1223
00:55:57,080 --> 00:56:01,404
Oh, okay. So, what's the male
version of a receptionist?
1224
00:56:01,560 --> 00:56:03,244
-Receptionist.
-Oh.
1225
00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:04,971
I just love the thrill of it, you know?
1226
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:07,885
Like, "Hello? Hold, please.
Hello? I'll see if she's available."
1227
00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:09,849
But I'm thinking about quitting.
I don't know.
1228
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:12,367
It's starting to feel
like the restaurant I worked at.
1229
00:56:12,520 --> 00:56:16,605
-(JINGLING)
- Oh, shit. Christmas trees.
1230
00:56:17,080 --> 00:56:18,161
Come on, we'll get one.
1231
00:56:18,320 --> 00:56:21,164
Okay. I mean,
I don't get Christmas trees, but...
1232
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:22,321
Oh, are you Jewish?
1233
00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:24,249
No, I just don't get Christmas trees.
1234
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:25,851
Oh, so, you're a monster.
1235
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:29,129
No, I'm just never home,
and I would definitely kill it.
1236
00:56:29,320 --> 00:56:30,367
No.
1237
00:56:30,520 --> 00:56:34,445
And then those needles fall into the rug
and stab your feet when you walk on them.
1238
00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:35,601
Okay.
1239
00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:38,128
All right. Look at this guy, right?
1240
00:56:38,400 --> 00:56:40,164
That's the John McClane
of Christmas trees.
1241
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:42,004
Like, you cannot kill this guy.
1242
00:56:42,160 --> 00:56:44,049
We load him up with a bunch of water,
1243
00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:46,771
stuff one of those self-pouring
cat bottles on the side
1244
00:56:46,960 --> 00:56:48,291
you're good to go for, like, three weeks.
1245
00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:50,044
I'm telling you,
you're gonna be begging this guy to die.
1246
00:56:50,200 --> 00:56:51,486
-Yeah.
-Then, in three weeks
1247
00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:55,322
we throw this guy out on the street,
and get ready for Valentine's Day.
1248
00:56:55,520 --> 00:56:56,851
"We" get ready for Valentine's Day?
1249
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,162
-Yeah, hearts, candy, you name it.
-Oh.
1250
00:56:59,320 --> 00:57:01,800
No, no, no, no. That's not...
1251
00:57:02,080 --> 00:57:04,560
Listen, in three weeks from now...
1252
00:57:04,720 --> 00:57:08,088
I think the novelty of this whole thing
will have worn off
1253
00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:10,766
and I think, the reality will set in,
1254
00:57:10,920 --> 00:57:14,447
which is that I work all the time
and I probably would never see you,
1255
00:57:14,600 --> 00:57:17,570
and I'd probably
have to cancel all of our dates.
1256
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:20,331
And, when I did finally see you,
1257
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,369
I would probably
just fall asleep on your face.
1258
00:57:22,560 --> 00:57:23,561
-Oh...
-Yeah, and then,
1259
00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:25,808
you would go off,
and meet some girl at the gym.
1260
00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:28,651
Because you obviously have
a lot of time to spend at the gym
1261
00:57:28,840 --> 00:57:29,966
and so would she,
1262
00:57:30,120 --> 00:57:31,963
and I don't even know why
we're having this conversation.
1263
00:57:32,120 --> 00:57:33,963
I mean, you are obviously not a real thing
1264
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:36,851
and I feel like we're wasting air
even talking about it.
1265
00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:39,162
And I have hip problems,
real hip problems.
1266
00:57:39,320 --> 00:57:43,848
And not from doing fun things,
like having sex, but from gravity.
1267
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:45,729
And what we had was great.
1268
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:49,521
Thank you for helping me out with that.
1269
00:57:49,680 --> 00:57:50,681
That was fun.
1270
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:53,885
But you will find a girl your own age
1271
00:57:54,040 --> 00:57:57,044
and then you can do fun things
like look for trees and whatever.
1272
00:57:57,240 --> 00:58:00,244
But that's not what's happening here,
between you and me, so...
1273
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:01,526
Just so you know.
1274
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:03,091
I have to get back to work now.
1275
00:58:05,720 --> 00:58:06,721
My God.
1276
00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:08,968
Fine, we won't get a Christmas tree!
1277
00:58:10,080 --> 00:58:12,128
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1278
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:35,481
Hey, Robin.
1279
00:58:35,840 --> 00:58:36,841
Yeah.
1280
00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:40,641
Yes?
1281
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:42,968
Do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree?
1282
00:58:43,160 --> 00:58:44,400
-Right now?
-Yeah.
1283
00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:47,803
No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples
are visiting from Italy
1284
00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:50,082
and they want to know all about
American Christmas traditions
1285
00:58:50,240 --> 00:58:51,924
like us sitting on their faces.
1286
00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:54,847
-No. No.
-Come on, it's Christmas!
1287
00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:57,002
I'm not gonna do that tonight.
1288
00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:59,242
Why? Their dicks
probably look like cannolis.
1289
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:02,125
No, it's okay. I'll call you tomorrow.
1290
00:59:03,240 --> 00:59:05,288
(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES)
1291
00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:12,167
It's plastic. You can't kill it.
1292
00:59:12,640 --> 00:59:13,641
(LAUGHS)
1293
00:59:45,080 --> 00:59:46,161
DAVID: Hey.
1294
00:59:47,080 --> 00:59:48,081
Hey-
1295
00:59:49,280 --> 00:59:50,850
I feel like I know you.
1296
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:53,729
God, I wish I had
one of your business cards,
1297
00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:55,006
so I could remember who you are.
1298
00:59:57,160 --> 01:00:00,926
Yeah, you're the, um, fancy, married guy,
with the kid and the buildings.
1299
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:03,761
Uh... I'm not married.
1300
01:00:04,040 --> 01:00:05,610
Um, I do have a daughter.
1301
01:00:05,840 --> 01:00:06,841
Oh.
1302
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:08,567
-And I'm fancy.
-Yeah.
1303
01:00:08,760 --> 01:00:11,684
You're wearing a scarf
on the outside of your jacket.
1304
01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:13,569
Which... That serves zero purpose.
1305
01:00:14,040 --> 01:00:15,041
-(LAUGHS)
-(CHUCKLES)
1306
01:00:16,040 --> 01:00:17,041
Um...
1307
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:19,964
This is super random,
1308
01:00:20,120 --> 01:00:23,329
but do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree with me?
1309
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:26,206
No? That's a big "no."
1310
01:00:26,360 --> 01:00:27,361
No, no.
1311
01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:29,563
I know it's probably like so crowded
with so many tourists,
1312
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:30,846
I don't know why I even want to do that.
1313
01:00:31,000 --> 01:00:34,163
I just... I was just thinking,
I want to show you something.
1314
01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:36,801
Okay.
1315
01:00:39,120 --> 01:00:41,282
All right. This door.
1316
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:44,201
Aye.
1317
01:00:45,320 --> 01:00:48,164
You know what? I am just realizing now
that I've gone with a complete stranger,
1318
01:00:48,320 --> 01:00:52,609
to an abandoned location
covered in plastic...
1319
01:00:52,800 --> 01:00:55,804
So, if you're gonna Dexter me...
1320
01:00:56,000 --> 01:00:57,081
You know what? Honestly?
1321
01:00:57,240 --> 01:00:59,891
Dying would not be the worst
thing in the world, right now.
1322
01:01:00,040 --> 01:01:01,485
-What is happening?
-All right. Close your eyes.
1323
01:01:01,640 --> 01:01:03,688
Okay. Here we go. Bye!
1324
01:01:04,400 --> 01:01:05,401
-(CREAKING)
-(DAVID GRUNTING)
1325
01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:07,810
-What is that sound?
-Just one second.
1326
01:01:07,960 --> 01:01:09,724
The world's largest shower curtain?
1327
01:01:10,200 --> 01:01:11,611
What is it? What's happening?
1328
01:01:11,760 --> 01:01:12,966
One sec.
1329
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:14,526
ls that the body bag?
1330
01:01:14,680 --> 01:01:15,681
ls that duct tape?
1331
01:01:15,960 --> 01:01:18,611
ls it "duck" tape or is it "duct" tape?
1332
01:01:19,320 --> 01:01:20,481
Open your eyes.
1333
01:01:26,600 --> 01:01:27,840
(LAUGHS)
1334
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:35,565
Oh, my God.
1335
01:01:37,240 --> 01:01:39,163
This is amazing.
1336
01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:45,686
Thank you.
1337
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:47,771
I've always wanted to see this.
1338
01:01:47,920 --> 01:01:48,921
Yeah.
1339
01:01:49,120 --> 01:01:50,451
I don't know why
I always talk myself out of
1340
01:01:50,640 --> 01:01:52,210
doing the things I really want to do.
1341
01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:53,361
Like what?
1342
01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:56,081
There's this thing
that people do on New Year's,
1343
01:01:56,240 --> 01:01:58,971
where they hike
the Grand Canyon in the dark,
1344
01:01:59,120 --> 01:02:02,329
so that they can watch the New Year
come in with the dawn.
1345
01:02:02,480 --> 01:02:04,448
That sounds amazing.
1346
01:02:04,600 --> 01:02:05,931
-I know.
-Yeah.
1347
01:02:06,240 --> 01:02:07,287
I'm just not a hiker.
1348
01:02:08,320 --> 01:02:10,322
I don't like that stuff
that's on the ground,
1349
01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:11,845
that, like, gets on you.
1350
01:02:12,040 --> 01:02:13,451
-The dirt?
-Yes.
1351
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,001
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1352
01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:18,410
But, um, I don't know.
1353
01:02:19,360 --> 01:02:23,490
Maybe we can, um, do
something else this year.
1354
01:02:24,200 --> 01:02:25,804
-"We"?
- Did I say "we"?
1355
01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:39,604
This one's name is Ping-Ping.
1356
01:02:39,760 --> 01:02:40,886
Ping-Ping?
1357
01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:42,041
It's nice to meet you.
1358
01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:44,282
-Who's this guy?
-Lion.
1359
01:02:44,440 --> 01:02:47,967
Lion is very handsome and,
also, we seem to be matching.
1360
01:02:48,160 --> 01:02:49,207
Well, what about this guy?
1361
01:02:49,360 --> 01:02:50,407
Zebra-Zebra.
1362
01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:53,763
Hmm. I was told never to
trust a man with two first names.
1363
01:02:54,040 --> 01:02:55,041
-(CHUCKLES)
-(CELL PHONE RINGS)
1364
01:02:55,360 --> 01:02:57,806
What about, do you want to tell me
the names of these ones?
1365
01:02:58,240 --> 01:02:59,526
This is LA. I'll be two seconds.
1366
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:01,250
Okay, we're fine.
1367
01:03:02,080 --> 01:03:04,048
Do you know the Eyes of You song?
1368
01:03:04,200 --> 01:03:05,406
The what song?
1369
01:03:05,560 --> 01:03:07,085
Eyes of You song.
1370
01:03:07,240 --> 01:03:08,924
No, I don't know what that is.
1371
01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:10,565
(SCATTING)
1372
01:03:13,840 --> 01:03:15,410
Oh, I know that song.
1373
01:03:15,880 --> 01:03:17,211
(BOTH SCATTING)
1374
01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:24,641
(BOTH SINGING
CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU)
1375
01:03:24,800 --> 01:03:26,006
What are you doing?
1376
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:28,084
Well, we were working
on our pop star careers,
1377
01:03:28,280 --> 01:03:30,203
but her voice is way better
than mine. (LAUGHS)
1378
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:31,441
Can I talk to you?
1379
01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:33,011
Yeah, yeah.
1380
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:41,566
Uh, what are you doing?
1381
01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:43,006
What do you mean?
1382
01:03:43,160 --> 01:03:44,525
You're not her mom.
1383
01:03:44,680 --> 01:03:46,409
What are you... What are you...
1384
01:03:46,560 --> 01:03:47,846
What do you mean?
1385
01:03:49,880 --> 01:03:52,042
We were just singing, David.
1386
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:55,044
Look, I'm sorry,
but when it comes to Phoebe
1387
01:03:56,280 --> 01:03:58,806
I get very protective.
1388
01:03:59,160 --> 01:04:01,811
And, you can't just...
1389
01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:05,121
Look, I'm really sorry.
1390
01:04:05,320 --> 01:04:06,970
I didn't know that that was a thing.
1391
01:04:07,680 --> 01:04:09,842
I'm not trying to, like...
1392
01:04:12,280 --> 01:04:13,725
I guess I didn't know that
that would upset you
1393
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:17,805
because you don't actually ever really
share anything with me.
1394
01:04:35,600 --> 01:04:37,887
Do you know how I found out
your wife passed away?
1395
01:04:39,600 --> 01:04:41,045
From your doorman, David.
1396
01:04:41,200 --> 01:04:42,281
Yeah, well.
1397
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,801
I just thought you were divorced.
I had no idea.
1398
01:04:44,960 --> 01:04:48,487
It's just been two years, okay?
Phoebe's not ready for all that.
1399
01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:51,486
I have no idea
what it's like to be a parent.
1400
01:04:52,080 --> 01:04:54,890
But, I feel like you have to
open up to Phoebe about her mom--
1401
01:04:55,040 --> 01:04:56,326
Look, Alice.
1402
01:04:57,720 --> 01:04:58,881
I can't do this.
1403
01:05:00,320 --> 01:05:01,606
I'm sorry.
1404
01:05:14,960 --> 01:05:16,371
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
1405
01:06:01,760 --> 01:06:03,046
(KEYS JANGLING SOFTLY)
1406
01:06:22,360 --> 01:06:25,250
(CRYING) I know I'm not
supposed to need you anymore, but...
1407
01:06:30,440 --> 01:06:31,566
I really do.
1408
01:06:32,720 --> 01:06:33,881
Come here.
1409
01:06:38,440 --> 01:06:42,206
I feel like I don't even know
who I am anymore.
1410
01:06:43,000 --> 01:06:44,411
It's okay.
1411
01:06:50,560 --> 01:06:53,769
I have to warn you,
I have this weird farting thing happening.
1412
01:06:54,000 --> 01:06:55,764
-(CHUCKLES)
-I don't know if it's me,
1413
01:06:55,920 --> 01:06:58,571
or the baby farting through me,
or what, but...
1414
01:07:00,600 --> 01:07:01,886
- Let me see.
-(SIGHS)
1415
01:07:04,720 --> 01:07:06,848
-Hi, you stinky little baby.
-(CHUCKLES)
1416
01:07:09,920 --> 01:07:13,367
(WHISPERS) You know you're not gonna
be able to hide this for much longer.
1417
01:07:14,320 --> 01:07:15,924
You need to tell him.
1418
01:07:16,360 --> 01:07:17,361
(SHUSHING)
1419
01:07:18,720 --> 01:07:19,721
(ALICE CHUCKLES)
1420
01:07:26,280 --> 01:07:27,805
I love you, monkey.
1421
01:07:28,160 --> 01:07:29,525
I love you.
1422
01:07:32,640 --> 01:07:33,641
(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
1423
01:07:38,920 --> 01:07:40,968
Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.
1424
01:07:41,200 --> 01:07:42,247
(CHUCKLES)
1425
01:07:42,440 --> 01:07:44,408
All right, let me guess.
1426
01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:46,642
You're one of those parade-hating
buzzkills that stays at home,
1427
01:07:46,800 --> 01:07:49,121
while the rest of us are out here,
celebrating Saint Patrick's Day.
1428
01:07:49,280 --> 01:07:51,169
No. You know what? I'm into it.
1429
01:07:51,520 --> 01:07:53,409
George is an eighth Irish.
1430
01:07:53,600 --> 01:07:55,329
DO you think he'll like it? LOOK, I did...
1431
01:07:55,480 --> 01:07:56,606
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
1432
01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:57,841
Who's George?
1433
01:07:58,000 --> 01:07:59,331
Luce. Hey!
1434
01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:01,286
Oh, there he is!
1435
01:08:02,640 --> 01:08:04,529
That's George?
1436
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:07,009
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
1437
01:08:07,160 --> 01:08:09,686
Yes! (LAUGHING)
1438
01:08:10,600 --> 01:08:12,011
BOTH: Mmm.
1439
01:08:16,200 --> 01:08:17,361
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1440
01:08:17,720 --> 01:08:18,721
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
1441
01:08:50,480 --> 01:08:51,481
(ALL SHOUTING)
1442
01:09:19,440 --> 01:09:21,044
(CLEARS THROAT)
1443
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,242
-(MUSIC: PLAYING STOPS)
-(LAUGHS)
1444
01:09:25,680 --> 01:09:27,444
-Hi.
-Hi.
1445
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,969
- It's been forever.
- Yeah.
1446
01:09:31,600 --> 01:09:32,931
Are you here with somebody?
1447
01:09:33,080 --> 01:09:35,731
Oh, no. I'm, I'm... I'm alone.
1448
01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:37,644
I just thought I'd grab some pancakes
1449
01:09:37,800 --> 01:09:39,689
-'cause I love pancakes.
-This was our place.
1450
01:09:39,840 --> 01:09:40,841
Okay.
1451
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:42,764
What are you doing? Who are you here with?
1452
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:43,921
I'm here with my parents.
1453
01:09:44,080 --> 01:09:45,127
-JOSH'S MOM: Oh, my God.
-Here they are.
1454
01:09:45,320 --> 01:09:46,321
JOSH'S DAD: Look who it is.
JOSH'S MOM: Alice!
1455
01:09:46,480 --> 01:09:48,721
ALICE: Hi! How are you?
JOSH'S DAD: Oh, my God.
1456
01:09:48,880 --> 01:09:50,211
We're here to celebrate.
1457
01:09:50,360 --> 01:09:51,441
- How are you?
- It's so good to see you. Hi.
1458
01:09:51,600 --> 01:09:53,841
Josh got into business school.
1459
01:09:54,040 --> 01:09:55,121
-What?
-JOSH: I did.
1460
01:09:55,360 --> 01:09:56,361
It just happened. It's crazy.
1461
01:09:56,520 --> 01:09:58,010
I didn't even know you wanted to...
1462
01:09:58,160 --> 01:10:00,242
JOSH'S DAD: We were just gonna
take a picture. Come on, get in here.
1463
01:10:00,400 --> 01:10:02,528
We're just gonna take a picture.
Come on, come on, get in here.
1464
01:10:02,680 --> 01:10:03,841
-Squeeze in.
-JOSH: No, no, no!
1465
01:10:04,000 --> 01:10:05,331
Selfie time! Selfie time. One, two...
1466
01:10:05,480 --> 01:10:06,845
No, I can take one of you guys.
1467
01:10:07,000 --> 01:10:08,047
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
-Three!
1468
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:10,089
You're better than her.
1469
01:10:10,320 --> 01:10:11,321
Wow. What?
1470
01:10:11,480 --> 01:10:14,324
-JOSH'S MOM: What?
-Mom! You need to go inside.
1471
01:10:14,720 --> 01:10:15,926
I know you've said it a million times.
1472
01:10:16,080 --> 01:10:17,445
-Take her inside...
-All right. There you go.
1473
01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:19,204
-...and then take her home.
-Great to see you again.
1474
01:10:19,400 --> 01:10:20,447
ALICE: Great to see you.
JOSH'S DAD: Okay.
1475
01:10:20,600 --> 01:10:21,601
BYE, guys.
1476
01:10:21,760 --> 01:10:23,808
- It's great to see you.
- It's great to see you.
1477
01:10:23,960 --> 01:10:24,961
Yeah.
1478
01:10:25,160 --> 01:10:27,288
-Okay. (CHUCKLES)
-Yeah.
1479
01:10:29,840 --> 01:10:31,490
Don't squash my pancakes, man.
1480
01:10:31,640 --> 01:10:33,802
Oh, sorry. Do you want to...
Yeah, let's...
1481
01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:35,650
- We should hang out soon.
- I'll see you around.
1482
01:10:35,800 --> 01:10:37,165
-Okay.
-Okay.
1483
01:10:37,960 --> 01:10:39,166
Bye.
1484
01:10:51,440 --> 01:10:52,441
(CHUCKLES)
1485
01:11:14,200 --> 01:11:15,326
(MOUTHING) What the fuck?
1486
01:11:21,800 --> 01:11:23,040
-Are you pregnant?
-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
1487
01:11:28,360 --> 01:11:29,361
What?
1488
01:11:29,880 --> 01:11:30,881
(STAMMERS)
1489
01:11:31,320 --> 01:11:32,890
I've been trying to have a baby. Yes.
1490
01:11:33,040 --> 01:11:36,203
I... It's probably
not even going to stick.
1491
01:11:36,560 --> 01:11:38,210
Yeah, I think it stuck.
1492
01:11:38,360 --> 01:11:40,727
Okay, I don't know what that tone was
1493
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:45,488
but, if you haven't noticed,
my boobs have gotten much bigger.
1494
01:11:45,640 --> 01:11:47,165
Yeah, of course I noticed
your boobs getting bigger.
1495
01:11:47,360 --> 01:11:50,250
I put that on my vision board, okay?
I thought that was because of me.
1496
01:11:50,400 --> 01:11:51,561
Who does that?
1497
01:11:51,720 --> 01:11:53,722
I do! People like me, visionaries!
1498
01:11:53,880 --> 01:11:55,530
Didn't you notice that I was getting fat?
1499
01:11:55,680 --> 01:11:58,331
That's a trick question.
You are not getting fat.
1500
01:11:58,480 --> 01:12:00,403
You are beautiful,
you have always been beautiful,
1501
01:12:00,560 --> 01:12:02,085
and you are carrying this so well.
1502
01:12:02,240 --> 01:12:03,241
You think?
1503
01:12:03,400 --> 01:12:05,084
ls this why you've been
avoiding me lately?
1504
01:12:05,720 --> 01:12:08,007
Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna...
1505
01:12:08,320 --> 01:12:09,321
(LAUGHS)
1506
01:12:10,240 --> 01:12:12,527
- I'm gonna be a dad!
- No,no,no,no,no,no,no.
1507
01:12:12,720 --> 01:12:13,926
Sorry, we're gonna have a baby!
1508
01:12:14,080 --> 01:12:16,082
We're gonna be... Not "dads."
We're gonna...
1509
01:12:16,840 --> 01:12:17,841
(CHUCKLES)
1510
01:12:18,240 --> 01:12:19,730
No, it's not.
1511
01:12:19,880 --> 01:12:22,008
Like, you're not... It's not...
1512
01:12:22,440 --> 01:12:23,441
ls that not mine?
1513
01:12:24,080 --> 01:12:25,081
I'm just pregnant.
1514
01:12:25,240 --> 01:12:27,447
What do you mean, you're "just pregnant"?
That's crazy. How's that possible?
1515
01:12:27,600 --> 01:12:28,965
-What?
-I said, you're being crazy.
1516
01:12:29,120 --> 01:12:31,691
You've lied to me the entire time
we've been together about being pregnant
1517
01:12:31,840 --> 01:12:33,649
and now you're upset with me
because I believed it?
1518
01:12:33,800 --> 01:12:35,290
That's what a crazy person does.
1519
01:12:35,440 --> 01:12:36,680
That's three times.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
1520
01:12:38,120 --> 01:12:39,121
Say it again.
1521
01:12:39,280 --> 01:12:41,282
I don't know. lt just seems crazy to me.
1522
01:12:41,440 --> 01:12:43,124
I just want to tell you something.
1523
01:12:43,280 --> 01:12:48,286
Usually, it's a good idea
not to call a pregnant woman crazy.
1524
01:12:48,680 --> 01:12:49,806
(LAUGHS) You know what I mean?
1525
01:12:49,960 --> 01:12:51,371
She's nuts, everybody.
1526
01:12:52,280 --> 01:12:54,681
So funny! (GRUNTS)
1527
01:12:55,360 --> 01:12:56,600
Oh, my God!
1528
01:12:56,760 --> 01:12:57,761
Not funny!
1529
01:12:57,920 --> 01:12:58,967
Get it, girl.
1530
01:13:03,480 --> 01:13:04,811
Who is the father?
1531
01:13:05,240 --> 01:13:07,402
I don't know! I don't know.
1532
01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:09,449
-How do you not know?
-Stop yelling at me.
1533
01:13:09,600 --> 01:13:10,601
How could you not know
something like that?
1534
01:13:10,760 --> 01:13:11,761
Did you not catch his name?
1535
01:13:11,920 --> 01:13:13,809
I did |.V.F. with a sperm donor. Okay?
1536
01:13:13,960 --> 01:13:15,928
-Oh, my God.
-Do you have a problem with that?
1537
01:13:16,120 --> 01:13:17,451
I don't have a problem with that.
It's your body.
1538
01:13:17,600 --> 01:13:20,490
Do whatever you want with your body.
Cover it in tattoos. I don't care.
1539
01:13:20,640 --> 01:13:22,324
I think I deserve to know
when there's someone
1540
01:13:22,480 --> 01:13:24,244
living inside the person
I'm having sex with.
1541
01:13:24,400 --> 01:13:26,289
Don't say that. That's gross!
1542
01:13:26,440 --> 01:13:28,488
There is nothing gross about that.
It is beautiful!
1543
01:13:28,640 --> 01:13:30,642
- It's not your problem.
- Not genetically, okay?
1544
01:13:30,840 --> 01:13:33,127
But my girlfriend is having a baby.
1545
01:13:33,560 --> 01:13:36,006
Babe, if we're gonna
make this thing work, like,
1546
01:13:36,160 --> 01:13:37,844
this is the kind of thing I need to know.
1547
01:13:38,000 --> 01:13:40,731
What are you gonna do?
Stay home and take care of a baby?
1548
01:13:41,320 --> 01:13:43,129
Did I just Win the lottery?
1549
01:13:43,280 --> 01:13:45,328
Yes, I want to stay home
and take care of a baby.
1550
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:46,646
When I was eight years old,
1551
01:13:46,800 --> 01:13:48,768
my Halloween costume
was a stay-at-home Dad.
1552
01:13:48,960 --> 01:13:50,371
You're saying I never
have to go to work again.
1553
01:13:50,520 --> 01:13:51,851
I get to hang out with a baby all day?
1554
01:13:52,000 --> 01:13:53,001
Just stop saying the word "baby."
1555
01:13:53,160 --> 01:13:55,003
Baby,baby,baby,baby,baby!
Because babies are awesome!
1556
01:13:56,640 --> 01:13:58,449
Okay, listen.
1557
01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:03,683
You and I, we probably would
have a lot of fun together
1558
01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:07,363
and then, one day, we would be
on this road trip together.
1559
01:14:07,520 --> 01:14:09,682
And I would be driving,
and then I'd get tired
1560
01:14:09,880 --> 01:14:14,124
and I would hate to do it,
but I would agree to let you drive.
1561
01:14:14,280 --> 01:14:16,442
And then, I would feel very safe,
1562
01:14:16,600 --> 01:14:18,409
and that's when we would crash.
1563
01:14:18,960 --> 01:14:21,725
You think you can control everything,
but you can't.
1564
01:14:22,880 --> 01:14:24,370
That's not how this works.
1565
01:14:25,040 --> 01:14:28,647
If I could choose someone
to do this with, it would be you.
1566
01:14:28,800 --> 01:14:30,165
You can choose!
1567
01:14:30,360 --> 01:14:33,887
I just... I'm not the only one
in the car, anymore.
1568
01:14:34,080 --> 01:14:35,081
(SIGHS)
1569
01:14:37,920 --> 01:14:39,206
Yeah.
1570
01:14:41,320 --> 01:14:44,085
Well, for the record,
this is not me leaving.
1571
01:14:45,000 --> 01:14:47,048
This is you pushing me away.
1572
01:15:00,440 --> 01:15:01,885
(SIGHS)
1573
01:15:07,520 --> 01:15:09,921
(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
1574
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:34,964
-Daddy?
-Yeah, babe?
1575
01:15:35,120 --> 01:15:37,327
I want the Eyes of You song.
1576
01:15:37,480 --> 01:15:39,084
Sing it to me.
1577
01:15:41,040 --> 01:15:43,407
Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?
1578
01:15:46,880 --> 01:15:47,881
Get some sleep.
1579
01:16:02,720 --> 01:16:03,721
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
1580
01:16:21,320 --> 01:16:23,527
ALICE: It's just, Josh and I
could be married by now
1581
01:16:23,720 --> 01:16:26,007
and we would have, like,
the cutest little baby daughter
1582
01:16:26,160 --> 01:16:29,801
and she would probably
be named after a fruit.
1583
01:16:29,960 --> 01:16:32,406
What kind of name is George,
anyway? Right?
1584
01:16:32,560 --> 01:16:33,846
I hate his hair.
1585
01:16:34,360 --> 01:16:37,011
Actually, technically,
we would have a four-year-old daughter,
1586
01:16:37,160 --> 01:16:39,686
in which case, her name would be Rihanna.
1587
01:16:39,840 --> 01:16:41,968
What? We haven't known
each other four years.
1588
01:16:42,120 --> 01:16:43,531
No, not you. Josh.
1589
01:16:43,680 --> 01:16:44,681
Oh, right, yeah.
1590
01:16:44,840 --> 01:16:46,683
But, exactly.
It's the same thing with me and Lucy.
1591
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:50,049
It's like, if I go to work,
and she's not there,
1592
01:16:50,680 --> 01:16:51,966
I'm like mad or something.
1593
01:16:52,120 --> 01:16:56,125
Yeah. Which is nuts, because
she's not completely disgusted by you.
1594
01:16:56,280 --> 01:16:58,647
I don't get it. I don't know where
I'm gonna find another one like her.
1595
01:16:58,840 --> 01:17:00,330
Yeah. I don't know, man.
1596
01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:03,771
Maybe we've just made all the wrong moves.
1597
01:17:04,840 --> 01:17:07,844
Maybe, this whole time,
we've been focusing on all the wrong stuff
1598
01:17:08,000 --> 01:17:09,889
and now it's just too late.
1599
01:17:10,440 --> 01:17:12,204
To the wrong stuff.
1600
01:17:13,240 --> 01:17:15,607
This is it. We can't pass "eleven."
1601
01:17:17,160 --> 01:17:18,491
What are you talking about?
1602
01:17:19,440 --> 01:17:21,124
Our drink number.
1603
01:17:21,320 --> 01:17:23,721
In every male and female friendship,
there's a number of drinks,
1604
01:17:23,880 --> 01:17:27,168
and if you pass it,
you have to have sex, mathematically.
1605
01:17:27,840 --> 01:17:29,444
Whatever, dude. (CHUCKLES)
1606
01:17:30,240 --> 01:17:31,241
(BOTTLE CLATTERING)
1607
01:17:32,440 --> 01:17:34,522
Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.
1608
01:17:34,680 --> 01:17:36,409
Where did that come from?
1609
01:17:36,560 --> 01:17:38,927
Uh... The floor.
1610
01:17:40,200 --> 01:17:43,409
One, two, three. That's three.
1611
01:17:45,400 --> 01:17:47,801
Four, five, six.
1612
01:17:49,760 --> 01:17:50,966
Seven.
1613
01:17:54,160 --> 01:17:55,924
Eight, nine.
1614
01:18:02,040 --> 01:18:04,520
It's just ten. It's just ten.
1615
01:18:05,440 --> 01:18:06,441
(EXHALES)
1616
01:18:08,880 --> 01:18:10,484
Eleven. Did you drink this?
1617
01:18:10,640 --> 01:18:11,641
No.
1618
01:18:11,800 --> 01:18:12,847
Oh, thank God.
1619
01:18:13,040 --> 01:18:14,201
You did.
1620
01:18:21,840 --> 01:18:23,888
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1621
01:18:26,880 --> 01:18:28,723
This may be a mistake.
1622
01:18:28,880 --> 01:18:30,609
It's just such a bad idea.
1623
01:18:30,760 --> 01:18:33,206
Yeah, I'm sorry. I was, like, trying to
bone the Lucy out of my system.
1624
01:18:33,360 --> 01:18:35,522
Yeah, see, normally,
I feel like I'd be mad at that.
1625
01:18:35,680 --> 01:18:37,489
But I just did
the exact same thing to you.
1626
01:18:37,640 --> 01:18:39,802
Right, yeah. Shit.
1627
01:18:39,960 --> 01:18:41,246
I think I like her.
1628
01:18:42,120 --> 01:18:44,646
Like, when we're together...
1629
01:18:45,800 --> 01:18:49,282
I feel like me, but, like... A better me.
1630
01:18:52,280 --> 01:18:55,489
See, that's the magic.
That's what I got to find.
1631
01:18:55,640 --> 01:18:56,766
Yeah.
1632
01:19:01,600 --> 01:19:03,284
I can let myself out.
1633
01:19:04,320 --> 01:19:05,321
(ALICE CLEARS THROAT)
1634
01:19:05,600 --> 01:19:06,601
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1635
01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:08,001
(CHUCKLES)
1636
01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:10,001
(CLICKS TONGUE)
1637
01:19:19,600 --> 01:19:20,601
(EXHALES)
1638
01:19:34,480 --> 01:19:35,481
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
1639
01:19:36,280 --> 01:19:37,884
ALL: Cheers! (LAUGHING)
1640
01:19:45,400 --> 01:19:47,129
- Whoa!
-(LAUGHING)
1641
01:19:47,360 --> 01:19:50,807
Alice! Happy Birthday!
1642
01:19:50,960 --> 01:19:51,961
Hi!
1643
01:19:52,120 --> 01:19:53,724
Thank you. What is that? Give me that.
1644
01:19:54,040 --> 01:19:55,565
Um, this is actually for Meg.
1645
01:19:55,720 --> 01:19:57,290
I had it made for her, specially.
1646
01:19:59,080 --> 01:20:02,209
Aw. That is so sweet. Look how cozy.
1647
01:20:04,480 --> 01:20:06,767
Maybe I'll give it to her. Just, later on.
1648
01:20:06,920 --> 01:20:07,967
Hey!
1649
01:20:08,120 --> 01:20:09,326
ALICE: No Tom, no Josh,
1650
01:20:09,480 --> 01:20:10,970
I'm just gonna have a really good time
1651
01:20:11,160 --> 01:20:13,891
and I'm not gonna think
about any boys at all.
1652
01:20:14,040 --> 01:20:15,769
Here's to no drama.
1653
01:20:15,920 --> 01:20:18,526
-No drama.
-Whoo!
1654
01:20:18,800 --> 01:20:21,644
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1655
01:20:25,880 --> 01:20:27,166
Happy Birthday!
1656
01:20:35,600 --> 01:20:36,601
(ALL CHEERING)
1657
01:20:37,240 --> 01:20:38,241
Whoo!
1658
01:20:46,560 --> 01:20:47,686
TOM: Thanks, buddy.
1659
01:20:48,280 --> 01:20:49,281
(GASPS)
1660
01:20:50,400 --> 01:20:51,765
I'll show you. This way.
1661
01:20:54,400 --> 01:20:56,004
-Oh, my God.
-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
1662
01:20:58,200 --> 01:21:00,407
-Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!
-RICKY: Josh! What's up, man?
1663
01:21:00,560 --> 01:21:02,324
Wow, I haven't seen you
since college, man!
1664
01:21:02,480 --> 01:21:04,005
I'm just hanging.
1665
01:21:04,160 --> 01:21:06,208
I got to go get a drink,
but I'll catch you later.
1666
01:21:06,360 --> 01:21:08,408
- Okay, cool. Yeah, man.
- I'm gonna find Alice.
1667
01:21:09,840 --> 01:21:11,205
Tall person.
1668
01:21:12,760 --> 01:21:14,364
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1669
01:21:15,120 --> 01:21:16,849
TOM: We got a whole "No hats" thing
1670
01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:20,686
but you seem like a good guy,
and, you know...
1671
01:21:21,400 --> 01:21:23,050
Hey. What's up, guys?
1672
01:21:23,200 --> 01:21:24,611
-Hey.
-Hey. Josh.
1673
01:21:25,280 --> 01:21:26,281
You're Josh?
1674
01:21:26,760 --> 01:21:27,761
What's that supposed to mean?
1675
01:21:27,920 --> 01:21:30,730
No... Nothing. Makes total sense.
1676
01:21:30,880 --> 01:21:32,166
Wait, how do you know Alice?
1677
01:21:32,360 --> 01:21:33,521
How do you guys know Alice?
1678
01:21:33,680 --> 01:21:35,170
Oh, fuck me.
1679
01:21:35,320 --> 01:21:36,401
This is Josh.
1680
01:21:36,760 --> 01:21:37,841
Makes sense.
1681
01:21:38,000 --> 01:21:40,321
What? Are you guys new friends, or...
1682
01:21:41,120 --> 01:21:43,168
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1683
01:21:44,480 --> 01:21:45,481
Oh, my God.
1684
01:21:46,240 --> 01:21:47,401
Come here.
1685
01:21:47,640 --> 01:21:50,689
Um, Tom is here, and David, and Josh.
1686
01:21:50,880 --> 01:21:52,484
And David. Did I say David?
1687
01:21:52,640 --> 01:21:54,404
Yeah, I know, because I invited them.
1688
01:21:54,560 --> 01:21:55,607
You're welcome.
1689
01:21:55,800 --> 01:21:56,961
Why? Why would you do that?
1690
01:21:57,120 --> 01:21:59,930
Because I thought it would be funny.
For me.
1691
01:22:00,080 --> 01:22:04,529
And good for you, emotionally,
to have guys fighting over you.
1692
01:22:08,920 --> 01:22:10,160
-Hey.
-Hey.
1693
01:22:10,360 --> 01:22:11,725
-What's going on?
-How are you?
1694
01:22:12,040 --> 01:22:15,123
Pretty good. Uh, I need to
talk to you about something.
1695
01:22:15,320 --> 01:22:17,322
-Great. Me, too.
-You go first.
1696
01:22:17,480 --> 01:22:19,403
- I'm getting married.
- What?
1697
01:22:20,000 --> 01:22:21,365
That's, uh...
1698
01:22:23,000 --> 01:22:27,688
Look, your computer programs
are total bullshit.
1699
01:22:27,880 --> 01:22:30,406
Your algorithms?
Also, total bullshit, all right?
1700
01:22:30,560 --> 01:22:33,530
Just because the music stops, doesn't mean
you got to sit in the closest chair.
1701
01:22:33,680 --> 01:22:35,808
You shouldn't be with George.
1702
01:22:35,960 --> 01:22:37,086
You should be with me.
1703
01:22:38,880 --> 01:22:41,406
-Yes. I want to be with you.
-What?
1704
01:22:41,600 --> 01:22:44,046
God, all those bad dates at the bar,
1705
01:22:44,200 --> 01:22:46,521
there was something that was always there.
1706
01:22:46,680 --> 01:22:47,727
You.
1707
01:22:50,080 --> 01:22:51,161
It was always me.
1708
01:22:51,360 --> 01:22:53,089
-Yes. Oh, my God.
-Right?
1709
01:22:53,280 --> 01:22:54,566
We could have the best life together.
1710
01:22:54,720 --> 01:22:56,449
And, I mean, we're gonna want
to get married soon
1711
01:22:56,600 --> 01:22:58,728
because we'll probably want to
start a family right away.
1712
01:22:58,880 --> 01:23:02,202
Oh, my God. Our kids...
Our kids are gonna be so cute.
1713
01:23:02,480 --> 01:23:03,811
Exactly.
1714
01:23:03,960 --> 01:23:07,567
Which is why we should just
kind of pump the brakes
1715
01:23:07,720 --> 01:23:09,165
and not rush things, you know?
1716
01:23:09,320 --> 01:23:12,563
(STUTTERS)
Let's take care of us right now.
1717
01:23:12,720 --> 01:23:14,051
Oh, my God, Tom.
1718
01:23:14,200 --> 01:23:15,770
I'm totally messing with you.
1719
01:23:16,080 --> 01:23:17,764
Thank you. Oh, my God.
1720
01:23:17,920 --> 01:23:19,365
I don't want to be with you.
1721
01:23:19,680 --> 01:23:21,409
And you don't want to be with me, either.
1722
01:23:21,600 --> 01:23:23,409
-Wait.
-Babe!
1723
01:23:23,600 --> 01:23:25,170
-Oh, my God.
-I saw everything.
1724
01:23:25,320 --> 01:23:27,049
I thought you were gonna
hyperventilate, man.
1725
01:23:27,200 --> 01:23:28,645
But I didn't!
1726
01:23:28,920 --> 01:23:31,605
Oh, Tom. Come on. Don't be sad.
1727
01:23:31,760 --> 01:23:32,921
You know what this is?
1728
01:23:33,120 --> 01:23:36,090
This is the first,
tiny green sprout of life
1729
01:23:36,280 --> 01:23:39,363
fighting its way out of
the gravel parking lot of your heart.
1730
01:23:39,520 --> 01:23:40,760
So, congrats.
1731
01:23:41,360 --> 01:23:44,728
-(SCOFFS) That was beautiful.
-Thank you, hon.
1732
01:23:44,880 --> 01:23:46,245
Hang on, one second.
1733
01:23:46,400 --> 01:23:48,448
Hey, quick, man, just one last thing.
1734
01:23:48,600 --> 01:23:51,080
Stay the fuck away
from my girl, okay, man?
1735
01:23:51,240 --> 01:23:53,322
Or I will straight-up end you.
1736
01:23:53,480 --> 01:23:54,481
-Okay. All right.
-Okay?
1737
01:23:54,640 --> 01:23:55,801
So, just back off. You got it?
1738
01:23:55,960 --> 01:23:57,325
-Yeah.
-Because I put a ring on that
1739
01:23:57,480 --> 01:23:59,562
and you're coming at it
pretty hard with your dick.
1740
01:23:59,760 --> 01:24:01,649
- Okay.
- I'm fucking with you, man.
1741
01:24:02,240 --> 01:24:03,241
-Cool, okay.
-No, of course.
1742
01:24:03,400 --> 01:24:05,482
Lucy loves you, I love you.
1743
01:24:05,680 --> 01:24:06,966
We're brothers, now, all right?
1744
01:24:07,120 --> 01:24:09,851
And, as such, I would like to...
1745
01:24:10,240 --> 01:24:11,890
This is a big one...
1746
01:24:12,200 --> 01:24:13,964
(SIGHS) Ask you to be my best man.
1747
01:24:16,320 --> 01:24:18,561
-(STUTTERS) Yeah, you got it.
- I'm fucking with you, bro!
1748
01:24:18,720 --> 01:24:21,690
Of course, you can't be my best man.
You are a stranger to me.
1749
01:24:21,880 --> 01:24:22,927
-Okay?
-Yeah.
1750
01:24:23,120 --> 01:24:25,487
Just to recap...
Stay the fuck away from my girl.
1751
01:24:25,640 --> 01:24:27,244
I don't want you to be my best man.
1752
01:24:27,400 --> 01:24:29,164
We still love you, you're family.
1753
01:24:29,320 --> 01:24:30,560
You'll definitely be
invited to the wedding.
1754
01:24:30,720 --> 01:24:32,370
-Okay.
-But, probably not.
1755
01:24:32,520 --> 01:24:33,806
So, don't be offended.
1756
01:24:34,000 --> 01:24:35,445
I'm glad we had this talk, man.
1757
01:24:41,520 --> 01:24:42,885
-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
-Whoo!
1758
01:24:45,320 --> 01:24:46,321
DAVID: Uh...
1759
01:24:47,560 --> 01:24:48,925
You trying to hide from me?
1760
01:24:49,960 --> 01:24:51,883
-Are you hiding from me? Hi.
-Huh? Hi.
1761
01:24:52,040 --> 01:24:54,202
I didn't see you, right over there.
1762
01:24:54,400 --> 01:24:55,401
It's a good hiding spot.
1763
01:24:56,240 --> 01:24:57,366
Uh, listen.
1764
01:24:58,520 --> 01:24:59,760
I've been thinking about you a lot--
1765
01:24:59,920 --> 01:25:01,729
Look, David, I'm sorry, I...
1766
01:25:01,880 --> 01:25:02,881
I can't do this.
1767
01:25:03,040 --> 01:25:06,408
You made it so clear to me
that you didn't want to, so...
1768
01:25:06,560 --> 01:25:07,971
That's not why I came here at all.
1769
01:25:08,160 --> 01:25:10,686
I just came here to apologize to you
1770
01:25:11,280 --> 01:25:12,725
for being such an asshole.
1771
01:25:12,960 --> 01:25:15,201
-Oh.
-Yeah.
1772
01:25:15,440 --> 01:25:16,441
(BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)
1773
01:25:17,360 --> 01:25:18,486
Well, you were right about Phoebe.
1774
01:25:18,640 --> 01:25:20,449
Oh, good. Did you talk to her?
1775
01:25:20,600 --> 01:25:23,206
Well, um, you know, I'm working on it.
1776
01:25:23,360 --> 01:25:25,681
But are you okay?
1777
01:25:26,680 --> 01:25:28,170
(CHORTLES)
1778
01:25:30,120 --> 01:25:31,531
I'm working on it.
1779
01:25:36,560 --> 01:25:37,721
Happy Birthday.
1780
01:25:45,560 --> 01:25:47,369
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1781
01:25:52,640 --> 01:25:54,722
See? I told you this would be fun.
1782
01:25:54,920 --> 01:25:57,127
Although, I thought one of them was, like,
gonna punch each other
1783
01:25:57,280 --> 01:25:58,520
and that hasn't happened yet.
1784
01:25:58,680 --> 01:26:01,251
Robin, this isn't a joke. This is my life.
1785
01:26:01,400 --> 01:26:03,767
But you know what? I guess
you wouldn't actually understand that
1786
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:07,288
because you've never really cared
about anybody enough to ever get hurt.
1787
01:26:07,440 --> 01:26:09,727
So, this type of thing doesn't affect you.
1788
01:26:09,880 --> 01:26:13,407
Okay. I'm sorry I invited them,
but who gives a shit about me?
1789
01:26:13,600 --> 01:26:15,250
I do, because you're my friend!
1790
01:26:15,440 --> 01:26:17,761
Am I? Because as far as I can tell
1791
01:26:17,920 --> 01:26:20,241
you only ever want to hang out with me
when you get dumped
1792
01:26:20,440 --> 01:26:21,851
and you need someone to cheer you up.
1793
01:26:22,000 --> 01:26:23,411
Well, you only ever hang out with me
1794
01:26:23,560 --> 01:26:25,449
when you need me
to be your little sidekick.
1795
01:26:25,600 --> 01:26:27,921
The reason
why I don't hang around with you
1796
01:26:28,120 --> 01:26:29,406
when you're in a relationship,
1797
01:26:29,560 --> 01:26:33,804
is because you just turn into this
lame-ass shell of a human being.
1798
01:26:34,240 --> 01:26:35,241
Nice.
1799
01:26:35,400 --> 01:26:37,448
-Yeah, do you want some real advice?
-Yeah, what?
1800
01:26:37,600 --> 01:26:42,288
You're not gonna find the right guy
by bumming free drinks and slutting it up.
1801
01:26:42,440 --> 01:26:43,965
Where is this coming from?
1802
01:26:44,120 --> 01:26:45,929
This whole time,
you've been the one that's like,
1803
01:26:46,080 --> 01:26:48,811
"Oh, yeah, parties and dicks and shots.
1804
01:26:48,960 --> 01:26:52,646
"Let's put shots all over our bodies.
More sparkles, bitch!"
1805
01:26:52,800 --> 01:26:54,962
It's about me being sick of you just
1806
01:26:55,120 --> 01:26:57,122
meeting guys and
falling into their dick-sand.
1807
01:26:57,280 --> 01:26:58,406
Falling into their what?
1808
01:26:58,560 --> 01:27:00,403
Their dick-sand.
1809
01:27:00,560 --> 01:27:02,801
It's like, every time
a guy just looks at you,
1810
01:27:02,960 --> 01:27:04,689
you just forget who you are, and...
1811
01:27:04,880 --> 01:27:06,041
Like... (MOCKINGLY) "Oh!"
1812
01:27:07,440 --> 01:27:09,090
You get sucked into their world.
1813
01:27:09,920 --> 01:27:11,809
At least when I do decide
I want a boyfriend...
1814
01:27:11,960 --> 01:27:14,327
I'm gonna find someone
who likes me for who I really am,
1815
01:27:14,480 --> 01:27:17,211
because I know who the fuck that is.
1816
01:27:29,720 --> 01:27:30,881
(EXHALES)
1817
01:28:01,040 --> 01:28:02,087
Hey-
1818
01:28:02,600 --> 01:28:03,840
Oh, my God.
1819
01:28:04,520 --> 01:28:06,648
-Happy Birthday.
-(SCOFFS)
1820
01:28:07,520 --> 01:28:09,249
It's your birthday!
1821
01:28:10,840 --> 01:28:12,808
And I drank some of your gift.
1822
01:28:21,680 --> 01:28:22,806
You Okay?
1823
01:28:27,760 --> 01:28:29,364
No. No.
1824
01:28:36,560 --> 01:28:38,801
God, you look pretty when you're pissed.
1825
01:28:47,000 --> 01:28:49,002
-I missed these.
-(CHUCKLES)
1826
01:28:52,840 --> 01:28:54,251
-What are we doing?
-We're about to have sex.
1827
01:28:54,400 --> 01:28:55,447
ALICE: What?
1828
01:28:56,240 --> 01:28:57,685
-God.
-What?
1829
01:28:58,080 --> 01:29:01,209
So, ever since I saw you,
I feel like we fucked up.
1830
01:29:01,360 --> 01:29:03,010
I shouldn't have let you go.
1831
01:29:04,760 --> 01:29:09,288
Because Michelle and I are still together,
and we're actually engaged
1832
01:29:09,440 --> 01:29:11,249
-and I feel like we're fucking up...
-What? What?
1833
01:29:11,400 --> 01:29:14,529
We're getting married,
but I don't know if I want to do it yet.
1834
01:29:15,280 --> 01:29:16,520
-Oh, my God.
-Wait!
1835
01:29:16,680 --> 01:29:18,728
- I'm just telling...
- Oh, my God.
1836
01:29:18,880 --> 01:29:20,405
-Oh, my God.
-Come here, come here.
1837
01:29:20,560 --> 01:29:22,608
You just let me make out
with somebody else's fiancé.
1838
01:29:22,760 --> 01:29:25,047
No, it's not cheating,
since we've already been together.
1839
01:29:25,200 --> 01:29:26,645
-What are you doing?
-Wait, just...
1840
01:29:26,840 --> 01:29:28,046
You told me you missed me!
1841
01:29:28,200 --> 01:29:30,851
l... That's the whole point,
I miss you all the time.
1842
01:29:31,000 --> 01:29:35,642
I saw you and you were so beautiful,
and you are so beautiful.
1843
01:29:36,400 --> 01:29:38,243
And I just need closure...
1844
01:29:38,400 --> 01:29:39,481
-I think we need--
-ls that what this...
1845
01:29:39,680 --> 01:29:41,284
-This is closure for you?
-Yeah.
1846
01:29:41,480 --> 01:29:43,209
Just one last screw for old times' sake
1847
01:29:43,360 --> 01:29:45,966
before you go and settle down
with somebody else?
1848
01:29:46,120 --> 01:29:47,360
(SIGHS) That's not...
1849
01:29:48,680 --> 01:29:50,842
I'm sorry, all right?
1850
01:29:51,440 --> 01:29:53,681
-Alice.
-No, you know, what?
1851
01:29:53,840 --> 01:29:56,320
I'm sorry. This is my fault.
1852
01:29:56,480 --> 01:29:59,006
I spent so much time wanting you back
1853
01:29:59,200 --> 01:30:01,726
that, when I thought
that you wanted me back,
1854
01:30:01,880 --> 01:30:03,848
it's like I lost my mind for a second.
1855
01:30:05,040 --> 01:30:06,769
Oh, my God. This is it!
This is the dick-sand.
1856
01:30:06,960 --> 01:30:08,928
I'm falling into your dick-sand right now.
1857
01:30:09,080 --> 01:30:10,923
- What?
- It's like quicksand, but with dicks.
1858
01:30:11,080 --> 01:30:12,127
I don't have dick-sand.
1859
01:30:12,280 --> 01:30:16,808
I'm so obsessed with the idea of
being in love that I just, it's like...
1860
01:30:17,640 --> 01:30:19,529
I completely lose myself.
1861
01:30:19,760 --> 01:30:23,242
Like, I forget what I want
and I just disappear.
1862
01:30:23,400 --> 01:30:25,243
I'm like the horse
in The Neverending Story.
1863
01:30:25,440 --> 01:30:28,171
I don't think it's coming out
like it's inside your head.
1864
01:30:29,120 --> 01:30:31,566
Josh. I want to be alone.
1865
01:30:33,080 --> 01:30:35,003
I know that I've said that a lot.
1866
01:30:36,000 --> 01:30:40,369
But, for the first time in my life,
I really, really, truly mean it.
1867
01:30:41,720 --> 01:30:43,768
Congratulations on your engagement.
1868
01:30:51,360 --> 01:30:52,361
(EXHALES)
1869
01:31:09,840 --> 01:31:11,126
Where to?
1870
01:31:11,520 --> 01:31:12,646
Home.
1871
01:31:13,560 --> 01:31:14,561
(SIGHS)
1872
01:31:14,880 --> 01:31:16,245
I'm going home.
1873
01:31:19,400 --> 01:31:21,607
Woman! I don't know
where the fuck you live.
1874
01:31:21,800 --> 01:31:23,211
Oh, I'm sorry.
1875
01:31:23,360 --> 01:31:25,488
Um, can I go to South Second and Berry?
1876
01:31:31,040 --> 01:31:32,849
-(ROBIN GRUNTS)
- Oh, my God!
1877
01:31:33,400 --> 01:31:35,323
-(ROBIN EXCLAIMS)
- Robin? Oh, my God!
1878
01:31:36,040 --> 01:31:38,407
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
1879
01:31:38,560 --> 01:31:40,085
Take us to the hospital,
and I won't sue you!
1880
01:31:40,240 --> 01:31:42,129
-What's happening?
-We got to go...
1881
01:31:42,480 --> 01:31:44,608
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(ROBIN SCREAMS) Hey!
1882
01:31:44,880 --> 01:31:45,881
(MEG GROANS)
1883
01:31:46,120 --> 01:31:47,201
Oh, God!
1884
01:31:47,360 --> 01:31:48,441
Oh, my God, it's happening.
1885
01:31:48,600 --> 01:31:49,681
No,no,no.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
1886
01:31:49,840 --> 01:31:50,841
-Oh, my God!
-No, it's fine!
1887
01:31:51,000 --> 01:31:52,206
I got her, I got her.
1888
01:31:52,400 --> 01:31:55,210
The average labor
for a new mom is 26 hours.
1889
01:31:55,400 --> 01:31:57,084
It doesn't pop out like it does on TV.
1890
01:31:57,280 --> 01:31:58,930
- It's gonna be fine.
- Okay.
1891
01:31:59,080 --> 01:32:00,730
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
1892
01:32:00,880 --> 01:32:02,450
Oh, my God, is it fine?
ls everything fine?
1893
01:32:02,600 --> 01:32:03,601
-Get a cab. Get me a cab.
-Okay!
1894
01:32:03,760 --> 01:32:04,921
ROBIN: I've got one!
1895
01:32:05,240 --> 01:32:06,241
(PANTING)
1896
01:32:06,600 --> 01:32:08,284
(GRUNTS) Ooh!
1897
01:32:09,560 --> 01:32:11,688
Take us to the hospital
and I won't sue you!
1898
01:32:12,280 --> 01:32:14,487
-(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- MEG: (BREATHING HEAVILY) This is bad-.
1899
01:32:15,800 --> 01:32:17,882
-Okay, okay.
-Oh... This is really bad! (GRUNTS)
1900
01:32:19,200 --> 01:32:21,282
I need to call my patients and say sorry.
1901
01:32:21,480 --> 01:32:22,481
No.
1902
01:32:22,800 --> 01:32:24,802
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
-This is not natural!
1903
01:32:24,960 --> 01:32:25,961
'GOG!
1904
01:32:26,120 --> 01:32:27,451
You're at 10 centimeters
1905
01:32:27,640 --> 01:32:29,563
and you've already entered
the second phase of labor,
1906
01:32:29,720 --> 01:32:31,563
-known as active labor.
-What?
1907
01:32:32,040 --> 01:32:34,042
I went to medical school.
ls that so hard to believe?
1908
01:32:34,200 --> 01:32:35,201
Yes!
1909
01:32:35,400 --> 01:32:37,129
This is gonna happen, like, right now.
1910
01:32:37,320 --> 01:32:38,560
Get your foot off my tit.
1911
01:32:38,720 --> 01:32:40,085
Get your foot off my tit, okay?
1912
01:32:40,280 --> 01:32:41,930
It's coming. You are the cliché!
1913
01:32:42,080 --> 01:32:45,129
You are the lady who's about to
have a baby in the back of a taxi
1914
01:32:45,280 --> 01:32:48,170
and I'm the Australian-American hero
who's gonna make it happen!
1915
01:32:48,320 --> 01:32:50,129
- In the cab, though?
- Don't worry, Meg.
1916
01:32:50,280 --> 01:32:53,602
My hands and my mouth have both
been recently sterilized by vodka.
1917
01:32:53,760 --> 01:32:55,171
-Feels like it's coming out.
-No,no,no,no“.
1918
01:32:55,320 --> 01:32:56,367
ROBIN: I'm going in. I'm going in.
1919
01:32:56,520 --> 01:32:57,601
- Chant with me!
- ALICE: Hold it inside!
1920
01:32:57,800 --> 01:32:59,564
-We can do this.
-Do this.
1921
01:32:59,760 --> 01:33:01,922
We can do this.
1922
01:33:02,080 --> 01:33:03,491
We can do this, we can do this.
1923
01:33:03,960 --> 01:33:04,961
(GRUNTING)
1924
01:33:05,720 --> 01:33:07,131
We're here! We're here!
1925
01:33:07,280 --> 01:33:08,361
ALICE: Get out. Get out.
MEG: Okay, open the door.
1926
01:33:08,560 --> 01:33:09,891
ROBIN: Shit, the door's...
MEG: Open the door.
1927
01:33:10,040 --> 01:33:11,246
- It won't open!
- MEG: Open the door!
1928
01:33:11,400 --> 01:33:12,447
- It won't open!
- ALICE: The door!
1929
01:33:12,600 --> 01:33:15,001
Wait! The window's working.
We just got to...
1930
01:33:15,160 --> 01:33:16,685
-ALICE: What are you doing?
-The door's locked!
1931
01:33:17,200 --> 01:33:18,201
-(MEG CRYING)
-Just open the door!
1932
01:33:18,840 --> 01:33:19,841
MEG: It's coming out!
1933
01:33:20,160 --> 01:33:22,811
ALICE: Robin! Okay, you have to help her!
1934
01:33:22,960 --> 01:33:24,803
You have to help her.
She's gonna help you, okay?
1935
01:33:24,960 --> 01:33:25,961
MEG: I can't.
ALICE: Help her.
1936
01:33:26,160 --> 01:33:27,161
-(MEG GROANING)
-Come on!
1937
01:33:27,600 --> 01:33:29,090
Close your legs really tight.
1938
01:33:29,240 --> 01:33:30,605
- Do not let it come out!
-(GRUNTING)
1939
01:33:32,040 --> 01:33:33,530
Robin, it was locked!
1940
01:33:33,840 --> 01:33:34,841
(BOTH GROANING)
1941
01:33:35,480 --> 01:33:36,845
Come on!
1942
01:33:37,200 --> 01:33:38,201
(MEG GROANING)
1943
01:33:39,200 --> 01:33:40,326
-Oh! My purse.
-No,no,no,no!
1944
01:33:40,480 --> 01:33:41,811
-Keep it inside.
-MEG: It's coming out!
1945
01:33:41,960 --> 01:33:42,961
I need a... We need a wheelchair.
1946
01:33:43,120 --> 01:33:44,360
Jesus. Okay, don't let it come out!
1947
01:33:44,520 --> 01:33:45,851
- It's gonna come out.
- Don't let it come out.
1948
01:33:46,000 --> 01:33:47,889
-Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!
-I need to... I need to push.
1949
01:33:48,080 --> 01:33:49,923
- It's coming out. It's coming out.
- Are you coming?
1950
01:33:50,080 --> 01:33:51,889
You don't need me anymore.
1951
01:33:53,800 --> 01:33:54,801
(MEG BREATHING RAPIDLY)
1952
01:33:55,240 --> 01:33:56,526
ALICE: Okay.
MEG: Oh, God. Okay.
1953
01:33:57,200 --> 01:33:58,884
- MEG: I'm scared.
- I'm right here.
1954
01:34:08,520 --> 01:34:10,124
(INFANT COOS)
1955
01:34:19,080 --> 01:34:20,127
(SOFTLY) Hi.
1956
01:34:21,920 --> 01:34:23,046
(WHISPERS) | called him.
1957
01:34:25,200 --> 01:34:29,330
Look, I know you don't want me here,
but just listen to me, okay?
1958
01:34:30,400 --> 01:34:32,641
You like me. A lot.
1959
01:34:33,720 --> 01:34:34,767
And I like you.
1960
01:34:35,560 --> 01:34:37,642
And you're crazy. That's a fact.
1961
01:34:38,040 --> 01:34:40,930
Honestly, I think you're probably
just as crazy when you're not pregnant.
1962
01:34:42,200 --> 01:34:45,443
But I'm allowed to say that,
because I love you.
1963
01:34:47,560 --> 01:34:48,607
I love you.
1964
01:34:52,240 --> 01:34:53,765
I'm gonna come back later.
1965
01:34:56,440 --> 01:34:57,930
Thanks for calling.
1966
01:34:58,080 --> 01:34:59,286
Don't be weird.
1967
01:34:59,440 --> 01:35:01,124
Thank you, thank...
1968
01:35:02,120 --> 01:35:04,566
Well, are you gonna come meet her or not?
1969
01:35:04,760 --> 01:35:06,125
-Her?
-Mmm-hmm.
1970
01:35:07,160 --> 01:35:08,650
KEN: It's a "her"?
1971
01:35:11,640 --> 01:35:13,688
This is baby Madeline.
1972
01:35:13,840 --> 01:35:16,081
Oh, my God, look at you.
1973
01:35:16,960 --> 01:35:18,644
Happy Birthday, sweetheart.
1974
01:35:20,240 --> 01:35:21,651
She's beautiful.
1975
01:35:23,160 --> 01:35:25,162
And I think I love you, too.
1976
01:35:27,080 --> 01:35:29,811
I mean, I do love you,
I don't know why I just said that.
1977
01:35:29,960 --> 01:35:31,530
I really love you.
1978
01:35:31,680 --> 01:35:34,047
-I really, really love you.
-(CHUCKLES)
1979
01:35:34,200 --> 01:35:35,645
(STAMMERS) I mean, I don't...
1980
01:35:35,800 --> 01:35:38,485
I can totally handle
all of this by myself.
1981
01:35:38,640 --> 01:35:39,641
I'm an independent woman.
1982
01:35:39,800 --> 01:35:40,926
My God, seriously?
1983
01:35:41,200 --> 01:35:42,725
But I don't want to.
1984
01:35:43,400 --> 01:35:44,481
I don't.
1985
01:35:46,840 --> 01:35:47,841
MEG: Mmm.
1986
01:35:50,760 --> 01:35:51,761
-Hi.
-Mmm.
1987
01:35:53,320 --> 01:35:56,130
-Doesn't she look like an alien?
-(SNORTS)
1988
01:35:56,720 --> 01:35:59,371
You are the most beautiful alien
in the world.
1989
01:36:16,360 --> 01:36:18,124
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
1990
01:36:31,040 --> 01:36:32,041
(EXHALES)
1991
01:37:28,040 --> 01:37:29,485
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
1992
01:38:00,440 --> 01:38:01,441
Hi.
1993
01:38:02,280 --> 01:38:03,361
What do you want?
1994
01:38:03,800 --> 01:38:07,043
I wanted to tell you that I know
that I can do a lot of things on my own.
1995
01:38:07,200 --> 01:38:11,000
And I can unzip my own dress,
but I want you to do it for me.
1996
01:38:11,840 --> 01:38:13,569
That sounded really weird. Um...
1997
01:38:14,480 --> 01:38:16,323
I want you to watch me unzip my dress.
1998
01:38:16,480 --> 01:38:19,484
No, sorry. That sounded really sexual.
That's not what I meant.
1999
01:38:19,640 --> 01:38:22,484
What I meant is
I want to unzip my own dress
2000
01:38:22,640 --> 01:38:26,486
and I just want you to be around,
because you're my best friend.
2001
01:38:28,320 --> 01:38:29,651
And I love you.
2002
01:38:31,000 --> 01:38:32,968
(SNIFFLES) And I'm totally
in love with you, too.
2003
01:38:33,840 --> 01:38:35,569
This is more than just a friendship.
2004
01:38:36,360 --> 01:38:38,328
I'm so glad you feel the same way.
2005
01:38:40,000 --> 01:38:41,889
Just joking! (LAUGHS)
2006
01:38:42,240 --> 01:38:44,242
- Oh, my God.
- I got you.
2007
01:38:44,400 --> 01:38:46,050
Oh, but I do love you.
2008
01:38:46,200 --> 01:38:47,690
-And I missed you.
-Oh.
2009
01:38:48,040 --> 01:38:51,010
I've been having
Alice withdrawal, seriously.
2010
01:38:54,240 --> 01:38:56,561
Wait, are you kidding me?
ls this where you live?
2011
01:38:56,800 --> 01:39:00,282
(GASPS) Robin! This is
your 500 square feet,
2012
01:39:00,440 --> 01:39:02,727
where you keep your clothes
and occasionally bathe?
2013
01:39:03,360 --> 01:39:04,600
Uh, yeah.
2014
01:39:05,040 --> 01:39:06,769
I'm super rich. Did I not mention that?
2015
01:39:06,960 --> 01:39:09,008
Wait. Why do we always
hang out at my place?
2016
01:39:09,200 --> 01:39:10,645
Why did you even work at the firm?
2017
01:39:10,880 --> 01:39:11,881
(WHIRRING)
2018
01:39:12,040 --> 01:39:14,088
Wait, why do I pay for everything
all the time?
2019
01:39:15,360 --> 01:39:16,441
Wow.
2020
01:39:16,600 --> 01:39:19,410
Well, I didn't really need
to work at the firm.
2021
01:39:19,560 --> 01:39:22,723
I just really liked hanging out with you.
2022
01:39:22,880 --> 01:39:24,803
And screwing those two security guys.
2023
01:39:24,960 --> 01:39:26,086
Why do you have a scooter?
2024
01:39:26,240 --> 01:39:27,571
This is my indoor scooter.
2025
01:39:28,080 --> 01:39:29,411
I have the whole floor.
2026
01:39:29,640 --> 01:39:32,041
I have literally paid the bill,
every time we've gone out.
2027
01:39:32,200 --> 01:39:34,168
But that's how you stay super rich.
2028
01:39:34,560 --> 01:39:35,561
God!
2029
01:39:35,720 --> 01:39:37,131
You have so much to learn from me, still.
2030
01:39:37,320 --> 01:39:38,890
I want you to be my sugar-daddy.
2031
01:39:39,040 --> 01:39:40,724
I'll be your sugar-sister.
2032
01:39:41,880 --> 01:39:43,325
I thought you didn't do breakfast?
2033
01:39:43,600 --> 01:39:45,648
(SHUSHING) You're ruining it.
2034
01:39:48,080 --> 01:39:51,243
ALICE: I've been thinking that
the time we have to be single,
2035
01:39:51,640 --> 01:39:54,723
is really the time we have
to get good at being alone.
2036
01:39:54,960 --> 01:39:55,961
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
2037
01:39:56,200 --> 01:39:59,568
But how good at being alone
do we really want to be?
2038
01:40:00,480 --> 01:40:04,087
Isn't there a danger
that you'll get so good at being single,
2039
01:40:04,240 --> 01:40:05,401
so set in your ways
2040
01:40:05,600 --> 01:40:07,841
that you'll miss out on the chance
to be with somebody great?
2041
01:40:08,000 --> 01:40:09,240
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
2042
01:40:14,880 --> 01:40:17,451
Some people take baby steps
to settle down.
2043
01:40:18,080 --> 01:40:19,081
(FAUCET HISSING)
2044
01:40:25,080 --> 01:40:27,128
Some people refuse to settle at all.
2045
01:40:33,120 --> 01:40:35,168
Sometimes, it's not statistics.
2046
01:40:36,200 --> 01:40:38,328
It's just chemistry.
2047
01:40:38,800 --> 01:40:39,801
(INAUDIBLE)
2048
01:40:40,840 --> 01:40:43,286
And sometimes, just because it is over,
2049
01:40:43,840 --> 01:40:45,968
doesn't mean the love ends.
2050
01:40:48,200 --> 01:40:51,124
Um... I want to talk to
you about your mom.
2051
01:40:52,720 --> 01:40:55,087
She got sick when you were really little
2052
01:40:55,240 --> 01:40:59,643
and I don't talk about her
because I still miss her.
2053
01:41:00,560 --> 01:41:01,641
Every day-
2054
01:41:03,360 --> 01:41:06,682
But we need to talk about her.
2055
01:41:07,640 --> 01:41:08,846
Who's that?
2056
01:41:09,240 --> 01:41:10,241
Me.
2057
01:41:10,680 --> 01:41:11,886
Who's that?
2058
01:41:12,400 --> 01:41:14,004
-Mommy.
-Yeah.
2059
01:41:15,000 --> 01:41:17,002
A lot of good memories in here.
2060
01:41:22,240 --> 01:41:23,480
I want to show you something.
2061
01:41:24,160 --> 01:41:25,161
(PHOEBE GIGGLING ON TV)
2062
01:41:25,480 --> 01:41:29,007
(SINGING CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU)
2063
01:41:30,600 --> 01:41:32,204
(PHOEBE MUMBLING)
2064
01:41:42,000 --> 01:41:44,241
The Eyes of You song.
(CHUCKLES)
2065
01:41:44,520 --> 01:41:45,521
(VOCALIZING CONTINUES)
2066
01:41:45,840 --> 01:41:47,524
The Eyes of You song.
2067
01:41:53,560 --> 01:41:56,131
(CONTINUES SINGING)
2068
01:41:56,520 --> 01:41:58,204
(SINGING ALONG)
2069
01:42:11,800 --> 01:42:12,801
(DAVID HUMMING)
2070
01:42:14,280 --> 01:42:15,281
(SNIFFLES)
2071
01:42:15,560 --> 01:42:17,767
PHOEBE: Now I know why you never sing.
2072
01:42:18,200 --> 01:42:19,326
Why?
2073
01:42:19,480 --> 01:42:22,404
-Because your voice is so bad.
-(LAUGHS)
2074
01:42:23,480 --> 01:42:26,324
What are you talking about?
That was excellent.
2075
01:42:26,800 --> 01:42:30,850
ALICE: The thing about being single is,
you should cherish it.
2076
01:42:31,800 --> 01:42:36,010
Because, in a week,
or a lifetime, of being alone,
2077
01:42:36,800 --> 01:42:38,723
you may only get one moment.
2078
01:42:43,760 --> 01:42:48,084
One moment, when you're not tied up
in a relationship with anyone.
2079
01:42:49,120 --> 01:42:52,567
A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend.
2080
01:42:59,600 --> 01:43:01,443
(PANTING)
2081
01:43:02,320 --> 01:43:05,085
One moment, when you stand on your own.
2082
01:43:09,320 --> 01:43:11,288
Really, truly single.
2083
01:43:11,480 --> 01:43:12,811
(CHUCKLES)
2084
01:43:20,280 --> 01:43:21,361
And then...
2085
01:43:25,120 --> 01:43:26,565
It's gone.
2086
01:43:29,400 --> 01:43:31,448
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
2087
01:49:46,000 --> 01:49:47,001
English - SDH