890 00:41:16,842 --> 00:41:18,975 Today's top story, Mount St. Helene. 891 00:41:18,977 --> 00:41:21,744 Oh, this is just a gimmick. It's a flash in the pan. 892 00:41:21,746 --> 00:41:23,580 We better hope so. 893 00:41:23,582 --> 00:41:24,948 Residents are being asked to evacuate the area... 894 00:41:24,950 --> 00:41:26,883 Twenty-four hours of news. 895 00:41:26,885 --> 00:41:29,652 How are they gonna keep coming up with this stuff? 896 00:41:29,654 --> 00:41:30,820 My guess is they'll probably be scraping 897 00:41:30,822 --> 00:41:33,156 the bottom of the barrel. 898 00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,825 No, I have a feeling they'll stick with their integrity 899 00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:37,961 and only report the news that needs to be reported. 900 00:41:38,762 --> 00:41:40,063 Let's see here. 901 00:41:40,065 --> 00:41:41,698 "Global temperatures rise half a degree, 902 00:41:41,700 --> 00:41:44,901 "alarm climate scientists." Boring. 903 00:41:44,903 --> 00:41:47,343 "China could dominate the world economy in the next decade." 904 00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:51,174 Nope. 905 00:41:51,176 --> 00:41:52,942 Anyone else? 906 00:41:52,944 --> 00:41:54,110 What if we show a porno instead of the news? 907 00:41:54,112 --> 00:41:55,578 Freddie? 908 00:41:55,580 --> 00:41:58,281 No. Absolutely not. 909 00:41:58,283 --> 00:42:00,817 I know. What if we get one of those wildlife handlers? 910 00:42:00,819 --> 00:42:04,187 We have him bring in, oh, big game cats. 911 00:42:04,189 --> 00:42:08,691 You know, wild, dangerous tigers and lions and leopards and the such. 912 00:42:08,693 --> 00:42:12,262 We let them loose inside the studio with about a dozen chickens. 913 00:42:12,264 --> 00:42:15,932 We play rock music. And we just call it Let Her Rip. 914 00:42:15,934 --> 00:42:17,767 I'd watch that. I'd watch that. 915 00:42:17,769 --> 00:42:19,802 Let Her Rip? 916 00:42:19,804 --> 00:42:23,072 You're describing the end of civilization. That's not news! 917 00:42:23,074 --> 00:42:24,908 If that's the end of times, I'm... 918 00:42:24,910 --> 00:42:28,044 I got a front-row seat with a big tub of buttered popcorn 919 00:42:28,046 --> 00:42:31,548 and a greasy half-live chicken leg. 920 00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:33,616 Okay, so obviously this is a waste of time. I'm done. 921 00:42:33,618 --> 00:42:34,884 Freddie! Come on! 922 00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:37,020 We're just brainstorming here. 923 00:42:37,022 --> 00:42:39,289 We're trying to figure out how to make the news less boring, 924 00:42:39,291 --> 00:42:41,758 and you act like we peed in your milkshake. 925 00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:43,826 The news is supposed to be boring, Ron! 926 00:42:43,828 --> 00:42:45,962 This is serious stuff. 927 00:42:45,964 --> 00:42:48,665 You're the one that made this stupid bet! 928 00:42:48,667 --> 00:42:51,668 I just don't know why we have to tell the people 929 00:42:51,670 --> 00:42:54,237 what they need to hear. 930 00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:56,559 Why can't we just tell them what they want to hear? 931 00:42:57,007 --> 00:42:58,641 Wait, wait, wait. 932 00:43:00,210 --> 00:43:02,111 Say that again. 933 00:43:02,113 --> 00:43:05,048 I said, why do we have to tell the people 934 00:43:05,050 --> 00:43:08,051 what they need to hear? 935 00:43:08,053 --> 00:43:10,053 Why can't we just tell them what they want to hear? 936 00:43:10,055 --> 00:43:12,355 And what do they want to hear, Ron? 937 00:43:12,357 --> 00:43:14,891 That we live in the greatest country God ever created. 938 00:43:15,859 --> 00:43:18,661 Damn straight! Made him happy. 939 00:43:18,663 --> 00:43:20,997 And we should do stories on patriots. 940 00:43:20,999 --> 00:43:24,000 Cute, funny little animals, huh? Or diets. 941 00:43:24,002 --> 00:43:27,270 Why blondes have more fun. 942 00:43:27,272 --> 00:43:29,305 And serious investigative pieces, 943 00:43:29,307 --> 00:43:32,008 about how much ejaculate is on hotel duvets. 944 00:43:32,010 --> 00:43:34,277 And only the best sports highlights. 945 00:43:34,279 --> 00:43:37,647 Home runs, slam dunks, touchdowns and no soccer. 946 00:43:37,649 --> 00:43:39,148 I like the wind! 947 00:43:39,150 --> 00:43:41,250 Brick's right. People love hurricanes. 948 00:43:41,252 --> 00:43:43,353 Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, 949 00:43:43,355 --> 00:43:44,687 we'll throw Brick right in the middle of it. 950 00:43:44,689 --> 00:43:45,529 You'd do that? 951 00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:48,358 People'll go nuts. I'd watch that! 952 00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:51,628 No, this goes against every rule 953 00:43:51,630 --> 00:43:54,397 of broadcast journalism I know. 954 00:43:54,399 --> 00:43:57,834 Freddie, as the wise man once said, 955 00:43:57,836 --> 00:43:58,935 "So?" 956 00:43:59,903 --> 00:44:01,738 We got 10 hours till we go on. 957 00:44:01,740 --> 00:44:02,821 We'll only need eight! 958 00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:41,144 Is that candy? I don't know. 959 00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:48,418 It is candy. 960 00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:52,088 I like you. I like you. 961 00:44:53,290 --> 00:44:55,958 Tell me something about you. 962 00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:59,095 Well, I'm 19 years old. My middle name is Courtney. 963 00:44:59,097 --> 00:45:00,730 I can always guess how many jelly beans 964 00:45:00,732 --> 00:45:02,465 are in a jelly bean jar, 965 00:45:02,467 --> 00:45:04,133 even if it's not right. 966 00:45:04,135 --> 00:45:06,035 What about you? 967 00:45:06,037 --> 00:45:08,337 My name is Chani Lastname. 968 00:45:08,339 --> 00:45:11,441 I'm a real go-getter and a person people. 969 00:45:11,443 --> 00:45:15,244 I can type 50 words a minute with only 300 errors. 970 00:45:16,246 --> 00:45:18,781 I'm trained and certified... 971 00:45:18,783 --> 00:45:20,149 to fire a military-grade missile launcher. 972 00:45:20,151 --> 00:45:21,050 Me, too. 973 00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:25,722 Chani, I just got these phone messages from last week. 974 00:45:25,724 --> 00:45:27,356 You mailed them to me? 975 00:45:27,358 --> 00:45:29,492 How else was I gonna get them to you? 976 00:45:29,494 --> 00:45:31,094 You hand them to me. 977 00:45:31,096 --> 00:45:32,995 Oh. 978 00:45:32,997 --> 00:45:35,231 You are the dumbest person I've met in my entire life, 979 00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,366 and that's not an exaggeration. 980 00:45:37,368 --> 00:45:38,901 That makes me feel bad. 981 00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:40,903 Well, it's the truth, Chani. 982 00:45:40,905 --> 00:45:43,072 You! 983 00:45:43,074 --> 00:45:45,408 - Leave her alone! - Excuse me, sir. 984 00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:50,446 Get your filthy hands off of her! 985 00:45:50,448 --> 00:45:51,781 Help, help! 986 00:45:51,783 --> 00:45:53,116 Excuse me, sir! 987 00:45:53,118 --> 00:45:55,251 Leave me alone, lady! Excuse me! 988 00:45:55,253 --> 00:45:58,121 She is a goddess among women! 989 00:46:00,791 --> 00:46:02,191 Glen! 990 00:46:02,459 --> 00:46:04,260 My phone messages! 991 00:46:04,262 --> 00:46:06,362 Leave him alone! 992 00:46:06,364 --> 00:46:07,363 Not today! 993 00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:10,900 She has butterflies in her heart! 994 00:46:10,902 --> 00:46:14,036 Chani! I can see you behind that desk, and you're fired! 995 00:46:14,038 --> 00:46:15,304 Why? 996 00:46:24,214 --> 00:46:25,515 Are you okay? 997 00:46:26,350 --> 00:46:28,985 You saved my life. 998 00:46:28,987 --> 00:46:31,187 She was trying to set me on fire. 999 00:46:31,189 --> 00:46:33,489 I didn't ask for these powers. 1000 00:46:33,491 --> 00:46:34,891 I was given them. 1001 00:46:35,225 --> 00:46:36,392 Last night 1002 00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,829 a bird chased me, 1003 00:46:39,831 --> 00:46:42,112 and I wished it was you. 1004 00:46:42,566 --> 00:46:44,300 Can we go to a date? 1005 00:46:44,302 --> 00:46:45,902 Yes. 1006 00:47:00,517 --> 00:47:04,187 Dear God, please help me pull this off. 1007 00:47:04,189 --> 00:47:06,522 I swear, if you help me, I will... 1008 00:47:06,524 --> 00:47:08,457 I will become a monk. 1009 00:47:08,459 --> 00:47:12,028 I will shave my head and become a monk... 1010 00:47:12,030 --> 00:47:14,363 Ah, who are we kidding? I'm not going to do that. 1011 00:47:14,365 --> 00:47:16,199 Oh, did you hear? 1012 00:47:16,201 --> 00:47:18,100 Evan said there's some strange copy in the prompter. 1013 00:47:18,102 --> 00:47:19,602 It's 2:00 a.m. 1014 00:47:19,604 --> 00:47:22,004 It's Freddie Shapp's ass, not mine. Let's go. 1015 00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:23,004 People who change history 1016 00:47:23,006 --> 00:47:25,541 are rarely aware of it while doing so. 1017 00:47:26,310 --> 00:47:28,444 Ron and his news team simply thought 1018 00:47:28,446 --> 00:47:31,614 they were making the news more fun. 1019 00:47:31,616 --> 00:47:33,549 Little did they know they were changing 1020 00:47:33,551 --> 00:47:36,986 the course of broadcast history forever. 1021 00:47:36,988 --> 00:47:40,223 Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m. Eastern time. 1022 00:47:40,225 --> 00:47:43,459 I'm Ron Burgundy, and tonight's top story is 1023 00:47:43,894 --> 00:47:45,962 America. 1024 00:47:45,964 --> 00:47:47,630 She's the greatest country in the world. 1025 00:47:47,632 --> 00:47:49,398 Heck, the history of the world! 1026 00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,400 You're damn right! 1027 00:47:53,538 --> 00:47:55,571 Too much of the news is about what's wrong with America. 1028 00:47:55,573 --> 00:47:57,240 Amen, brother! 1029 00:47:57,242 --> 00:48:00,443 Well, tonight, our top story is what's right with America. 1030 00:48:00,445 --> 00:48:02,612 Someone's finally talking sense on the TV. 1031 00:48:02,614 --> 00:48:05,147 For starters, we kick butt. 1032 00:48:05,149 --> 00:48:07,516 Nazi butt. Russian butt. 1033 00:48:07,518 --> 00:48:09,151 What the hell is he doing? 1034 00:48:09,153 --> 00:48:10,887 He's talking about America. 1035 00:48:10,889 --> 00:48:12,388 Why, do you have a problem with that? 1036 00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:15,157 Tonight I begin part one of my 11-part series 1037 00:48:15,159 --> 00:48:18,194 on the power and mystery of the human vagina. 1038 00:48:18,196 --> 00:48:19,629 This series will be a tasteful look 1039 00:48:19,631 --> 00:48:22,632 at just what makes a vagina tick, 1040 00:48:22,634 --> 00:48:24,934 as well as a look at the 50 greatest vaginae 1041 00:48:24,936 --> 00:48:26,402 of the 20th century. 1042 00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:29,305 Son of a bitch! 1043 00:48:29,307 --> 00:48:31,173 One final question, and I'll let you go. 1044 00:48:31,175 --> 00:48:34,143 Who tops the list of the top 50 greatest vaginae? 1045 00:48:34,145 --> 00:48:36,312 Well, I don't want to give anything away. 1046 00:48:36,314 --> 00:48:38,514 I thought I had you. 1047 00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:40,249 I will give you number two. 1048 00:48:40,251 --> 00:48:41,450 Please. Madame Curie. 1049 00:48:41,452 --> 00:48:43,019 Of course. Of course. 1050 00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:44,954 Whammy! Whammy! 1051 00:48:44,956 --> 00:48:46,689 Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! 1052 00:48:46,691 --> 00:48:48,424 Whammy! 1053 00:48:54,231 --> 00:48:55,431 Whammy! 1054 00:48:55,433 --> 00:48:56,966 Back to you, Ron. 1055 00:48:56,968 --> 00:48:59,936 The wind is really windy. 1056 00:48:59,938 --> 00:49:02,238 Brick? Brick, can you hear me? 1057 00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:04,307 I can't hear you, Ron! 1058 00:49:04,309 --> 00:49:06,475 Okay, but you're answering the question, 1059 00:49:06,477 --> 00:49:07,710 so I think you can hear me. 1060 00:49:07,712 --> 00:49:09,278 No, I can! 1061 00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,147 Brick, do you think there is any danger 1062 00:49:11,149 --> 00:49:12,581 to the average person out there? 1063 00:49:12,583 --> 00:49:15,584 I'm afraid for the animals of New York, Ron. 1064 00:49:15,586 --> 00:49:20,222 I saw a woman, and her dog never touched the ground. 1065 00:49:20,224 --> 00:49:24,026 You're saying wind gusts as fast as a supersonic jet? 1066 00:49:24,028 --> 00:49:25,788 It looked like she was walking a dog balloon. 1067 00:49:26,330 --> 00:49:28,497 And go... Switch. 1068 00:49:28,499 --> 00:49:31,701 And for our eighth and final animal story of the night, 1069 00:49:31,703 --> 00:49:34,437 it looks like residents of North Yulk, Montana, 1070 00:49:34,439 --> 00:49:35,671 have found the cutest little patriot 1071 00:49:35,673 --> 00:49:37,440 on God's green earth. 1072 00:49:41,278 --> 00:49:42,511 Look at that little guy! 1073 00:49:44,114 --> 00:49:46,415 Oh, wow, he was having some fun. 1074 00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,252 Well, for all of us here at GNN, 1075 00:49:50,254 --> 00:49:52,288 I'm Ron Burgundy. 1076 00:49:52,290 --> 00:49:54,357 And don't just have a great night, 1077 00:49:54,359 --> 00:49:56,225 have an American night. 1078 00:49:59,529 --> 00:50:01,063 And we're out! 1079 00:50:01,065 --> 00:50:02,598 Wow! 1080 00:50:03,533 --> 00:50:05,301 I couldn't take my eyes 1081 00:50:05,303 --> 00:50:07,269 off the screen! Yes. 1082 00:50:07,271 --> 00:50:09,572 You were electric, Ron! Whammy! 1083 00:50:09,574 --> 00:50:11,240 That just felt right! That felt right! 1084 00:50:11,242 --> 00:50:12,708 I was outside! 1085 00:50:12,710 --> 00:50:15,144 You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job. 1086 00:50:15,146 --> 00:50:16,779 Amazing. Great job. 1087 00:50:16,781 --> 00:50:21,117 What the hell was that? What the hell was that? 1088 00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:22,451 Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda. 1089 00:50:22,453 --> 00:50:24,086 We were just trying something new. 1090 00:50:24,088 --> 00:50:25,654 You changed the format of the entire show 1091 00:50:25,656 --> 00:50:27,289 without consulting me? That's unacceptable! 1092 00:50:27,291 --> 00:50:28,624 Damn straight, sister. 1093 00:50:28,626 --> 00:50:30,760 We just done went and brought it! 1094 00:50:30,762 --> 00:50:33,362 And here's the truth. You can't handle it, little mama! 1095 00:50:33,364 --> 00:50:36,432 Get out! You are all terminated immediately. 1096 00:50:36,434 --> 00:50:38,267 If you were a man, I'd knock you out. 1097 00:50:38,269 --> 00:50:41,203 Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead! 1098 00:50:41,205 --> 00:50:43,406 Take a swing! Take your best shot! 1099 00:50:43,673 --> 00:50:45,508 I have five brothers, 1100 00:50:45,510 --> 00:50:47,343 and two of them are defensive backs in the NFL, so come on! 1101 00:50:47,345 --> 00:50:49,178 You want me to do it? Yeah. 1102 00:50:49,180 --> 00:50:50,579 This thing's not gonna feel good. 1103 00:50:50,581 --> 00:50:51,647 Do it, Ron. Just do it. 1104 00:50:51,649 --> 00:50:54,083 Are you scared? What's the problem? 1105 00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:56,152 Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken? 1106 00:50:59,256 --> 00:51:00,723 I'm not a chicken at all. 1107 00:51:00,725 --> 00:51:02,765 I'm going to make that mustache of yours all bloody. 1108 00:51:04,528 --> 00:51:06,495 Well... 1109 00:51:06,497 --> 00:51:08,130 Seems like you're buying time, Ron. 1110 00:51:08,132 --> 00:51:09,698 I'm not buying time. 1111 00:51:09,700 --> 00:51:12,068 Ron! Just do what men have been doing 1112 00:51:12,070 --> 00:51:15,104 for thousands of years, and punch the woman. 1113 00:51:15,106 --> 00:51:16,238 Punch her! You're stalling. 1114 00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:17,673 Punch the woman! 1115 00:51:17,675 --> 00:51:20,176 Here comes the Toledo Express. All aboard! 1116 00:51:23,814 --> 00:51:25,281 Ron! No! 1117 00:51:27,552 --> 00:51:29,251 I didn't do it! 1118 00:51:31,455 --> 00:51:33,756 Mama, your baby's hurt. 1119 00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:36,292 Your baby. 1120 00:51:38,096 --> 00:51:40,362 What is that sound you're making? Good Lord! 1121 00:51:42,233 --> 00:51:44,433 You sound like a balloon. 1122 00:51:44,435 --> 00:51:45,801 Pull yourself together, man. 1123 00:51:45,803 --> 00:51:47,336 Security! 1124 00:51:47,338 --> 00:51:49,405 They saw my pee-pee. 1125 00:51:49,407 --> 00:51:52,575 The eighth grade boys saw my pee-pee! 1126 00:51:52,577 --> 00:51:54,543 Did you say they saw your pee-pee? 1127 00:51:54,545 --> 00:51:57,313 In the locker room, they saw my pee-pee. 1128 00:51:57,315 --> 00:51:59,348 You just knocked him back into fifth grade. 1129 00:51:59,350 --> 00:52:00,590 Get him out of here! 1130 00:52:02,419 --> 00:52:04,420 Bugger me with a didgeridoo. 1131 00:52:04,422 --> 00:52:06,222 We knew we'd struggle to start, 1132 00:52:06,224 --> 00:52:08,657 but these ratings are lower than I'd even imagined. 1133 00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:10,459 Thank God for the 2:00 a.m. spike. 1134 00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:12,495 It really saved our whole launch. 1135 00:52:12,497 --> 00:52:14,363 Spike? What are you talking about? 1136 00:52:14,798 --> 00:52:16,398 What spike? 1137 00:52:16,400 --> 00:52:18,501 Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy? 1138 00:52:18,503 --> 00:52:20,336 No, no, no, this can't be right. 1139 00:52:21,738 --> 00:52:23,906 His team start at a .2, 1140 00:52:23,908 --> 00:52:26,775 and then they finish at a 5.6? 1141 00:52:26,777 --> 00:52:30,212 That's unbelievable! They tripled Jack Lime's numbers! 1142 00:52:30,214 --> 00:52:33,482 How is that even possible? Who are these guys? 1143 00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:35,584 They're a local team out of San Diego. 1144 00:52:36,219 --> 00:52:37,653 You little beauty! 1145 00:52:37,655 --> 00:52:39,655 Well, they no longer work for us. 1146 00:52:41,525 --> 00:52:43,225 I fired them. 1147 00:52:43,227 --> 00:52:45,694 Well, guys, it goes without saying 1148 00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:48,631 I owe you gentlemen an apology. 1149 00:52:48,633 --> 00:52:51,200 I dragged you out here and this thing 1150 00:52:51,202 --> 00:52:53,669 was a disaster from the word "go." 1151 00:52:53,671 --> 00:52:56,205 No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up. 1152 00:52:56,207 --> 00:52:57,473 Yeah, it's all right, Ron. 1153 00:52:57,641 --> 00:52:58,741 Gin. 1154 00:53:00,544 --> 00:53:02,511 Brian, any idea what you might do next? 1155 00:53:02,513 --> 00:53:04,213 Gonna head back to L.A. 1156 00:53:04,215 --> 00:53:05,848 I got a good group of buddies out there. 1157 00:53:05,850 --> 00:53:08,450 O.J. Simpson. Phil Spector. Robert Blake. 1158 00:53:08,452 --> 00:53:10,286 Sounds like a fun crew. 1159 00:53:10,288 --> 00:53:12,254 We go out cruising chicks. 1160 00:53:12,256 --> 00:53:14,356 Call ourselves the "Ladykillers." 1161 00:53:14,358 --> 00:53:16,425 I love that name. You should get it on the back of matching jackets. 1162 00:53:16,427 --> 00:53:17,793 That's not a bad idea. 1163 00:53:21,231 --> 00:53:22,798 Uh, guys? 1164 00:53:24,734 --> 00:53:26,402 Hey. 1165 00:53:26,404 --> 00:53:28,637 I got some news. 1166 00:53:28,639 --> 00:53:30,272 Freddie, we don't exactly want to hear 1167 00:53:30,274 --> 00:53:32,841 - the word "news" right now. - Yeah. 1168 00:53:32,843 --> 00:53:35,811 You're right. Forget it. Forget I was even here. 1169 00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,315 Forget that GNN wants you back. 1170 00:53:40,483 --> 00:53:45,287 For a prime time slot and a raise in pay. 1171 00:53:45,289 --> 00:53:48,257 Quit yanking our penises, Freddie! What's the deal? 1172 00:53:48,259 --> 00:53:50,460 Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses. 1173 00:53:50,461 --> 00:53:52,461 No. I'm not yanking your... 1174 00:53:54,564 --> 00:53:57,266 Your ratings went through the roof. 1175 00:53:57,268 --> 00:53:59,602 People love what you did. 1176 00:54:00,470 --> 00:54:02,738 You're a success! 1177 00:54:02,740 --> 00:54:06,942 Get it? You're a great, big, fat success! 1178 00:54:07,877 --> 00:54:10,197 By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn! 1179 00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:11,914 It's total crap 1180 00:54:11,916 --> 00:54:14,450 and they can't stop watching! 1181 00:54:14,452 --> 00:54:17,253 The news team had been famous in San Diego, 1182 00:54:17,255 --> 00:54:19,755 but that was small time compared to New York. 1183 00:54:20,757 --> 00:54:23,025 This fame was a rocket ship. 1184 00:54:23,027 --> 00:54:24,893 A rocket ship that had free drinks 1185 00:54:24,895 --> 00:54:27,663 and topless stewardesses. 1186 00:54:27,665 --> 00:54:29,865 That'll do it for all of us here at GNN. 1187 00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:33,002 Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. 1188 00:54:33,004 --> 00:54:34,403 I'm Jack... 1189 00:54:37,607 --> 00:54:38,641 Lame. 1190 00:54:42,879 --> 00:54:44,980 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 1191 00:54:44,982 --> 00:54:46,415 More graphics, all right? 1192 00:54:46,417 --> 00:54:48,050 But there's already a lot. 1193 00:54:48,052 --> 00:54:50,786 Hey, you heard the man. More graphics. 1194 00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,455 Let a citizen ask a question here, for God's sake! 1195 00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:56,492 Can Father Ron please shut his mouth for half a second? 1196 00:54:59,062 --> 00:55:00,796 This is against everything 1197 00:55:00,798 --> 00:55:02,865 that I have worked for my entire life. 1198 00:55:02,867 --> 00:55:04,466 Oh, honey, come on. 1199 00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:30,993 If you're like me, you need an underwear 1200 00:55:30,995 --> 00:55:33,028 that fits your active lifestyle. 1201 00:55:33,030 --> 00:55:35,798 At finer specialty and department stores. 1202 00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:38,667 I'm weatherman Brick Tamland, and I like butter. 1203 00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:42,338 Butter is nutritious and it tastes great. 1204 00:55:42,939 --> 00:55:44,470 Butter! 1205 00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:49,511 There's something new on the New York social scene. 1206 00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:51,947 It's fun, relatively benign and costs about as much 1207 00:55:51,949 --> 00:55:54,083 as a soda pop at the local drugstore. 1208 00:55:54,085 --> 00:55:55,751 Here's Brian Fantana 1209 00:55:55,753 --> 00:55:57,986 on why everyone who is someone 1210 00:55:57,988 --> 00:56:00,589 is lighting up to smoke crack. 1211 00:56:00,591 --> 00:56:02,991 Now, Brian, I understand we have some crack 1212 00:56:02,993 --> 00:56:04,793 and we're going to smoke it right here in the studio. 1213 00:56:04,795 --> 00:56:06,493 I don't know if we can get a shot of that. 1214 00:56:06,495 --> 00:56:08,629 What is that? Did you know they were gonna have that? 1215 00:56:08,631 --> 00:56:09,598 No. 1216 00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:12,835 Now, what you're gonna do is, you're gonna put your rock in the pipe. 1217 00:56:12,837 --> 00:56:14,636 Is that where the phrase "Put it in your pipe and smoke it" comes from? 1218 00:56:14,638 --> 00:56:16,505 I don't care. 1219 00:56:16,507 --> 00:56:18,907 I love it when you do cooking segments. Mmm. 1220 00:56:21,111 --> 00:56:22,845 Oh! Oh, whoa! 1221 00:56:22,847 --> 00:56:24,813 You feel that right away. 1222 00:56:24,815 --> 00:56:27,783 Wow, that's good. That's good. That's an immediate state of euphoria. 1223 00:56:27,785 --> 00:56:31,553 You'll be surprised. The effect, it happens very... Ohh! 1224 00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,589 It's just refreshing. 1225 00:56:33,591 --> 00:56:35,758 They're actually enjoying it. 1226 00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:37,800 Of course they're enjoying it. It's crack. 1227 00:56:40,430 --> 00:56:41,997 Well, now we know, guys, 1228 00:56:41,999 --> 00:56:44,400 you can't smoke crack on live television. 1229 00:56:55,678 --> 00:56:57,413 Hey, gang. 1230 00:56:57,415 --> 00:56:58,947 You know what would make this great day even better? 1231 00:56:58,949 --> 00:57:00,182 What? 1232 00:57:00,184 --> 00:57:02,117 Perms for everyone! 1233 00:57:02,119 --> 00:57:03,159 Yay! 1234 00:57:15,465 --> 00:57:17,066 Please come in and shut the door. 1235 00:57:22,138 --> 00:57:24,139 If this is about sweeps, um, 1236 00:57:24,141 --> 00:57:26,909 I think Brian Fantana found an outstanding story. 1237 00:57:26,911 --> 00:57:29,511 It's about airplane parts 1238 00:57:29,513 --> 00:57:32,848 that are falling off of airplanes out of the sky 1239 00:57:32,850 --> 00:57:34,750 and hitting the ground, people. 1240 00:57:34,752 --> 00:57:36,452 We're calling it "Death From Above." We might do some... 1241 00:57:36,454 --> 00:57:37,786 You. Come here. 1242 00:57:43,126 --> 00:57:44,927 I've been watching you. 1243 00:57:44,929 --> 00:57:46,228 You have? 1244 00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:50,126 I've been watching you a lot. 1245 00:57:51,534 --> 00:57:53,502 And you just do whatever you want. 1246 00:57:53,504 --> 00:57:55,904 Well, I'm a bit of a maverick, I guess. 1247 00:57:55,906 --> 00:57:57,806 You don't follow the format. 1248 00:57:57,808 --> 00:57:59,808 You pretty much walk around like... 1249 00:58:00,944 --> 00:58:02,778 Like you're king of the world. 1250 00:58:02,780 --> 00:58:05,021 I'm just a worker bee. That's all I am. 1251 00:58:05,815 --> 00:58:07,516 You know what? What? 1252 00:58:07,917 --> 00:58:08,851 Oh! 1253 00:58:12,622 --> 00:58:14,790 I find it hot as shit! 1254 00:58:14,792 --> 00:58:16,758 Are you going to hurt me? 1255 00:58:16,760 --> 00:58:18,660 Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy. 1256 00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:21,663 You're a shooting star and I want to go for a ride. 1257 00:58:21,665 --> 00:58:23,699 God, I'm so afraid right now. 1258 00:58:23,701 --> 00:58:25,262 Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat. 1259 00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:31,707 Now, I want you to bark like a dog. 1260 00:58:31,709 --> 00:58:34,176 Bark. Bark. Bark! 1261 00:58:34,178 --> 00:58:35,711 Like a puppy. Like a puppy. 1262 00:58:41,085 --> 00:58:42,718 Yeah. Come on! Do it! 1263 00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:44,553 Mmm. 1264 00:58:44,854 --> 00:58:46,255 Aw. 1265 00:58:46,257 --> 00:58:47,890 Don't cry. 1266 00:58:49,693 --> 00:58:51,527 It's sexual and yet frightening. 1267 00:58:51,529 --> 00:58:53,289 It's an odd mixture. 1268 00:58:53,663 --> 00:58:54,630 Um, come in. 1269 00:58:55,732 --> 00:58:57,032 Uh, Linda. 1270 00:58:57,034 --> 00:58:58,834 Excuse me, Linda. 1271 00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:01,937 Ron, Jack wants to know 1272 00:59:01,939 --> 00:59:03,805 if he can go back to calling himself Jack Lime 1273 00:59:03,807 --> 00:59:05,274 instead of Jack Lame. 1274 00:59:05,276 --> 00:59:06,842 He's really struggling with it. 1275 00:59:06,844 --> 00:59:09,244 No. Can't. It's a bet. 1276 00:59:09,246 --> 00:59:11,213 Oh, Jesus! 1277 00:59:11,215 --> 00:59:12,581 If you want to change it, you can. 1278 00:59:13,049 --> 00:59:14,216 Like what? 1279 00:59:14,218 --> 00:59:15,851 Art Areola. 1280 00:59:15,853 --> 00:59:18,253 No! No, that's worse! You know it's worse! 1281 00:59:18,255 --> 00:59:20,589 How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck. 1282 00:59:20,591 --> 00:59:22,991 Spell it P-H-U-C. 1283 00:59:22,993 --> 00:59:24,826 You'll be huge in the Vietnamese community. 1284 00:59:24,828 --> 01:58:49,654 Freddie, I can't. 1285 00:59:24,828 --> 00:59:28,764 Listen to me, Burgundy. This is far from over, do you hear me? 1286 00:59:29,899 --> 00:59:32,140 I'll see you on the playground. 1287 00:59:34,804 --> 00:59:36,004 Well. 1288 00:59:37,607 --> 00:59:38,907 This, uh, 1289 00:59:39,676 --> 00:59:41,109 meeting has been 1290 00:59:42,078 --> 00:59:43,779 very productive. 1291 00:59:43,781 --> 00:59:46,248 You can pick me up at 8:00. 1292 00:59:46,250 --> 00:59:50,018 Okay, I'm very confused by what's going on here. 1293 00:59:51,020 --> 00:59:52,287 Get out! 1294 01:00:02,732 --> 01:00:05,601 Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing some real high-quality 1295 01:00:05,603 --> 01:00:07,235 Garfield laughs over here! 1296 01:00:08,905 --> 01:00:10,372 I think our boss just raped me. 1297 01:00:10,374 --> 01:00:12,374 What? 1298 01:00:12,376 --> 01:00:15,110 I don't know what happened. All a bit of a blur. 1299 01:00:15,112 --> 01:00:16,812 There was hands 1300 01:00:16,814 --> 01:00:19,247 and hair, and breath, and lips. 1301 01:00:19,249 --> 01:00:20,749 There might have been other people, I don't know. 1302 01:00:20,751 --> 01:00:22,250 Sounds like she wants you. 1303 01:00:22,252 --> 01:00:23,619 Hey, man. Women have been all over me 1304 01:00:23,621 --> 01:00:25,387 since we got crazy famous. 1305 01:00:25,389 --> 01:00:27,022 Not to brag or anything, 1306 01:00:27,024 --> 01:00:29,691 but I just gave Florence Henderson crabs. 1307 01:00:29,693 --> 01:00:33,161 That is in no way a brag, Brian. That's horrible. 1308 01:00:33,163 --> 01:00:36,331 Hey, it's just doing something beautiful, that two people do. 1309 01:00:36,333 --> 01:00:38,900 Except one of them has microscopic dust mites 1310 01:00:38,902 --> 01:00:41,036 - all over his penis and testicles. - I'm just saying, 1311 01:00:41,038 --> 01:00:44,139 the mom of The Brady Bunch had a fun time with you, 1312 01:00:44,141 --> 01:00:47,175 and then woke up the next day and realized she had crabs. 1313 01:00:47,177 --> 01:00:50,112 I gave her a whole Brady Bunch of crabs. 1314 01:00:50,114 --> 01:00:51,179 Sounds to me like it's her fault 1315 01:00:51,181 --> 01:00:52,848 for being a randy gal. 1316 01:00:52,850 --> 01:00:54,216 I have a date! 1317 01:00:54,218 --> 01:00:55,751 Brick has a date? 1318 01:00:55,753 --> 01:00:56,852 Good for Brick! 1319 01:00:56,854 --> 01:00:58,654 What's a date? 1320 01:00:58,656 --> 01:01:00,922 A date is simply when two people get together, 1321 01:01:00,924 --> 01:01:02,190 do something social, have a few drinks, 1322 01:01:02,192 --> 01:01:03,392 yadda-yadda-yadda... 1323 01:01:03,394 --> 01:01:04,660 Take their shirts off... 1324 01:01:06,397 --> 01:01:08,130 - Oh, it's okay. - No, it's a fun thing. 1325 01:01:08,132 --> 01:01:09,898 It's fun. It's all right. 1326 01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:13,135 Look. Don't worry, Brick, we got your back, okay? 1327 01:01:13,137 --> 01:01:16,104 First things first, we need to get you a little protection. 1328 01:01:18,408 --> 01:01:19,675 Oh! 1329 01:01:20,243 --> 01:01:22,144 There it is. 1330 01:01:22,146 --> 01:01:25,080 Brian Fantana's glorious cabinet of condoms. 1331 01:01:25,082 --> 01:01:28,717 Oh, Brian, I know. How about The Hooded Guest? 1332 01:01:28,719 --> 01:01:30,185 I like the cut of your jib. 1333 01:01:31,421 --> 01:01:33,789 That one is ultra-ribbed. 1334 01:01:33,791 --> 01:01:36,391 It's like you're wearing an armadillo shell on your privates. 1335 01:01:36,393 --> 01:01:38,193 It takes two hours to get on. 1336 01:01:38,195 --> 01:01:40,729 It's hooded. She'll never see you coming. 1337 01:01:40,731 --> 01:01:42,064 Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait. 1338 01:01:42,066 --> 01:01:43,465 You thinking what I'm thinking? 1339 01:01:43,467 --> 01:01:44,987 "Lou Dobin's Good Time Weiner Pouch." 1340 01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:46,868 That's a good one. 1341 01:01:46,870 --> 01:01:50,038 Dobin. Just a drifter who loves to watch people have sex. 1342 01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:51,707 They're made of denim, 1343 01:01:51,709 --> 01:01:53,275 so they look better after each washing. 1344 01:01:53,277 --> 01:01:55,010 Talk about a great ride. 1345 01:01:55,012 --> 01:01:56,252 I think I have it. 1346 01:01:56,879 --> 01:01:58,046 Po' Boy Condom. 1347 01:01:58,048 --> 01:02:00,215 It's a terrific condom. 1348 01:02:00,217 --> 01:02:02,951 Although it does burn a bit because it's covered in Cajun spices. 1349 01:02:02,953 --> 01:02:05,987 It'll put a blister on your po' boy. 1350 01:02:05,989 --> 01:02:07,723 Brian, what's the nickname for your penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy? 1351 01:02:07,725 --> 01:02:09,191 Fat Tuesday. 1352 01:02:09,193 --> 01:02:11,493 Wait a minute. I've got it. 1353 01:02:13,229 --> 01:02:14,963 "The Rigid Ghost." Mmm. 1354 01:02:14,965 --> 01:02:17,766 Ah, it's the best damn rubber on the market. 1355 01:02:17,768 --> 01:02:21,503 Hah, I got four of my seven illegitimate children using this condom. 1356 01:02:21,505 --> 01:02:24,206 Uh, but, Brian, isn't that the whole point of wearing a condom? 1357 01:02:24,208 --> 01:02:26,341 To not impregnate the woman? 1358 01:02:26,343 --> 01:02:28,844 Well, you know the old expression. "Nope." 1359 01:02:34,183 --> 01:02:36,418 Thank you, Ron, and happy St. Patrick's Day 1360 01:02:36,420 --> 01:02:38,887 to all of our Native American friends. 1361 01:02:38,889 --> 01:02:39,988 On the big map... 1362 01:02:42,158 --> 01:02:43,038 Where's my map? 1363 01:02:44,060 --> 01:02:46,261 There's no map, it's just green. 1364 01:02:46,263 --> 01:02:48,263 No, there's a map there. Look at the monitor. 1365 01:02:48,265 --> 01:02:50,766 Right. Oh. 1366 01:02:50,768 --> 01:02:52,367 Ron, where's my legs? 1367 01:02:52,369 --> 01:02:54,102 Where are my legs? Your legs are there. 1368 01:02:54,104 --> 01:02:56,037 I don't have any legs, Ron. 1369 01:02:56,039 --> 01:02:57,873 I don't even know how I'm standing up. 1370 01:03:00,109 --> 01:03:01,977 Brick, your legs are fine. 1371 01:03:01,979 --> 01:03:04,479 The color of your pants just matches... 1372 01:03:04,481 --> 01:03:06,248 Ron, I don't have any legs! 1373 01:03:06,250 --> 01:03:07,282 The Chroma-Key behind you. 1374 01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:09,484 Ninety-three? 1375 01:03:09,486 --> 01:03:11,820 Ninety-three? 1376 01:03:11,822 --> 01:03:13,155 Relax. 1377 01:03:17,427 --> 01:03:20,462 And after I received my Masters in Journalism from Columbia, 1378 01:03:20,464 --> 01:03:23,865 I got a job with the London bureau for ABC News. 1379 01:03:23,867 --> 01:03:25,433 Wow, London. 1380 01:03:25,435 --> 01:03:28,370 You're so impressive, and I've... 1381 01:03:28,372 --> 01:03:30,539 I've only been out of the United States twice. 1382 01:03:30,541 --> 01:03:33,308 A handful of times in Mexico, and then 1383 01:03:33,310 --> 01:03:34,809 the second time I left the country, 1384 01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:36,912 we went to Salem, Oregon. 1385 01:03:36,914 --> 01:03:38,074 Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous? 1386 01:03:38,214 --> 01:03:39,948 God, yes. 1387 01:03:39,950 --> 01:03:41,630 Did I scare you by coming on so strong? 1388 01:03:42,051 --> 01:03:44,186 A little bit, sure. 1389 01:03:44,188 --> 01:03:46,188 Look, it's not that you're not attractive... Mmm-hmm? 1390 01:03:46,190 --> 01:03:48,356 It's just I'm a little old-fashioned. 1391 01:03:48,358 --> 01:03:50,918 Well, I am a modern woman. Mmm. 1392 01:03:51,327 --> 01:03:52,594 And let me tell you, 1393 01:03:52,596 --> 01:03:55,197 when I see something that I want, I go for it. 1394 01:03:55,965 --> 01:03:57,365 Can I ask you a question? 1395 01:03:57,367 --> 01:03:58,867 Mmm-hmm. 1396 01:03:58,869 --> 01:04:00,936 Is that your foot between my legs? 1397 01:04:01,103 --> 01:04:02,304 No. 1398 01:04:02,306 --> 01:04:04,172 Oh. I'm sorry. 1399 01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:06,608 It was my hand. 1400 01:04:06,610 --> 01:04:08,276 So... 1401 01:04:08,278 --> 01:04:09,878 We're going to do this, aren't we? 1402 01:04:09,880 --> 01:04:13,582 We most definitely are gonna do this. 1403 01:04:13,584 --> 01:04:17,185 I feel a little awkward, because I'm... 1404 01:04:17,187 --> 01:04:19,221 I'm about to have sex with a black lady! 1405 01:04:19,223 --> 01:04:21,556 I'm sorry! I'm sorry. 1406 01:04:21,558 --> 01:04:24,860 Mmm. That's not the way I like to handle my business. 1407 01:04:24,862 --> 01:04:26,928 When I get nervous, I sometimes lose control 1408 01:04:26,930 --> 01:04:28,196 of the volume of my voice. 1409 01:04:28,865 --> 01:04:30,365 Well, I don't mind, 1410 01:04:30,367 --> 01:04:32,100 because I am going to have you tonight. 1411 01:04:32,635 --> 01:04:34,336 Then let's leave 1412 01:04:34,338 --> 01:04:37,539 and go have interracial sex! 1413 01:04:37,907 --> 01:04:38,874 Sorry. 1414 01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:21,116 This is the nicest soda machine 1415 01:05:21,118 --> 01:05:23,151 anyone's ever taken me to. 1416 01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:24,319 The beauty of this soda machine pales 1417 01:05:24,321 --> 01:05:25,761 in comparison to your beauty. 1418 01:05:32,662 --> 01:05:34,596 Can I ask you a personal question? 1419 01:05:34,598 --> 01:05:36,531 I'm not sure what that is, but yes. 1420 01:05:36,533 --> 01:05:38,973 Have you ever kissed anyone? 1421 01:05:39,035 --> 01:05:40,568 Do faces on the TV screen 1422 01:05:40,570 --> 01:05:42,411 and Planet of the Apes action figures count? 1423 01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:44,506 Of course. 1424 01:05:44,508 --> 01:05:48,276 Then, yes. I have kissed Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius. 1425 01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:52,314 I've only kissed people in my dreams. 1426 01:05:52,316 --> 01:05:55,483 So, I've only kissed a tiny dragon 1427 01:05:55,485 --> 01:05:57,686 and a woman with her hair on fire. 1428 01:05:57,688 --> 01:06:00,355 I don't have a lot of experience with kissing, 1429 01:06:00,357 --> 01:06:02,490 but I do know one thing... 1430 01:06:02,492 --> 01:06:05,293 Always get your teeth involved. 1431 01:06:05,295 --> 01:06:08,575 I think I'm ready to maybe try that kiss thing now. 1432 01:06:45,067 --> 01:06:46,334 Hello, Ms. Jackson. 1433 01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:49,270 I didn't mean to scare you. 1434 01:06:49,272 --> 01:06:52,040 Mr. Allenby, I wasn't expecting you to... 1435 01:06:52,042 --> 01:06:53,641 Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I. 1436 01:06:55,211 --> 01:06:57,012 But then I heard about this little story 1437 01:06:57,014 --> 01:07:00,148 that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running. 1438 01:07:00,150 --> 01:07:02,183 You see, some of the planes from my airline 1439 01:07:02,185 --> 01:07:03,786 have had parts falling off them lately. 1440 01:07:04,286 --> 01:07:06,421 Is it a problem? Yeah. 1441 01:07:06,423 --> 01:07:09,724 Is it being fixed? I don't know, probably. 1442 01:07:09,726 --> 01:07:13,762 But if that story runs, then Koala stock will plummet. 1443 01:07:13,764 --> 01:07:16,765 We can't just pull the story. That would be unethical. 1444 01:07:16,767 --> 01:07:19,467 We own the news. We can do whatever we want. 1445 01:07:20,236 --> 01:07:22,637 That's one of the perks. 1446 01:07:22,639 --> 01:07:25,640 It's called "synergy." One company working with another. 1447 01:07:29,412 --> 01:07:30,645 To synergy. 1448 01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:42,357 You seem a little quiet, I must say. 1449 01:07:42,359 --> 01:07:44,692 Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine 1450 01:07:44,694 --> 01:07:45,974 with going to this family dinner. 1451 01:07:46,495 --> 01:07:47,829 They're going to love you. 1452 01:07:49,198 --> 01:07:51,166 Mmm. This is delicious! 1453 01:07:53,202 --> 01:07:54,135 So... 1454 01:07:55,271 --> 01:07:56,832 How long have you and Linda been dating? 1455 01:07:56,839 --> 01:07:57,839 Mother. 1456 01:07:57,841 --> 01:07:59,441 Oh. 1457 01:07:59,443 --> 01:08:01,309 No, it's all right. It's a logical question. 1458 01:08:01,311 --> 01:08:03,311 Um... 1459 01:08:03,313 --> 01:08:07,115 Ours is a new love, but it burns very brightly. 1460 01:08:08,417 --> 01:08:12,387 And it gets hot and sweaty and stanky. 1461 01:08:12,389 --> 01:08:15,256 There's some stank on that love. 1462 01:08:15,258 --> 01:08:16,825 What... What are you talking about? 1463 01:08:16,827 --> 01:08:19,694 Let's put it this way, I be busting nuts like a squirrel. 1464 01:08:19,696 --> 01:08:22,330 Oh, now, we don't have conversations like that over dinner. 1465 01:08:22,332 --> 01:08:23,430 What are you doing? 1466 01:08:23,432 --> 01:08:26,234 I'm addressing the white elephant in the room. 1467 01:08:26,236 --> 01:08:27,635 I'm breaking down the barriers 1468 01:08:27,637 --> 01:08:29,737 of race by assimilation. 1469 01:08:29,739 --> 01:08:31,939 That's all I'm doing. Well, you're coming off like a jerk. 1470 01:08:31,941 --> 01:08:33,741 I think it's going well. 1471 01:08:33,743 --> 01:08:35,276 If you haven't noticed, 1472 01:08:35,278 --> 01:08:36,544 we don't converse like that. 1473 01:08:36,546 --> 01:08:38,813 Okay, okay. 1474 01:08:38,815 --> 01:08:41,116 Look at big papa down here. 1475 01:08:41,118 --> 01:08:43,618 He's saying to himself, "Shit! Look at this honky. 1476 01:08:43,620 --> 01:08:47,255 "Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food. In my house? Touching my daughter?" 1477 01:08:47,257 --> 01:08:48,623 I have. 1478 01:08:48,625 --> 01:08:50,191 - I have touched your daughter. - Honey! 1479 01:08:50,193 --> 01:08:52,293 We have done things, Papa. 1480 01:08:52,295 --> 01:08:54,596 You ain't gonna like. You ain't gonna like it none! 1481 01:08:54,598 --> 01:08:56,698 Oh, my goodness! 1482 01:08:56,700 --> 01:09:01,436 I mean, I'm just a guy from Terre Haute, Indiana 1483 01:09:01,438 --> 01:09:06,407 with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet and a spleef the size of a baby arm. 1484 01:09:06,409 --> 01:09:08,543 Just looking for someone who wants to smoke it. 1485 01:09:08,545 --> 01:09:10,445 Let's get some smoke going in this place, right? 1486 01:09:10,447 --> 01:09:12,887 This ain't no Super Fly. What is your problem, man? 1487 01:09:14,850 --> 01:09:18,486 Linda, I don't understand what you are doing with him. 1488 01:09:18,488 --> 01:09:20,588 Oh, you know what I'm comin' at you with, 1489 01:09:20,590 --> 01:09:23,625 you big black mother of Linda. Mix it up in a pot! 1490 01:09:23,627 --> 01:09:26,394 Makin' it spicy! Oh, my Lord. 1491 01:09:26,396 --> 01:09:28,796 Hey. In the back, cooking up chitlins. 1492 01:09:28,798 --> 01:09:31,232 Big ol' titties. Big ol' titties. 1493 01:09:31,234 --> 01:09:32,934 Excuse me? 1494 01:09:32,936 --> 01:09:34,636 - That's my mama, man. - Hey. 1495 01:09:34,638 --> 01:09:36,905 Wave your hands in the air. 1496 01:09:36,907 --> 01:09:38,840 Wave your hands in the air like you just don't care. 1497 01:09:38,842 --> 01:09:40,675 Please, don't do this. 1498 01:09:40,677 --> 01:09:43,278 Now, which one of you pipe-hittin' bitches 1499 01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:45,547 can pass me the mashed potatoes? 1500 01:09:45,549 --> 01:09:47,382 Oh, I don't think that dinner could've gone any better. 1501 01:09:47,384 --> 01:09:48,750 Are you nuts? 1502 01:09:48,752 --> 01:09:50,852 No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening! 1503 01:09:51,921 --> 01:09:54,322 My dad was kicking you in the head! 1504 01:09:54,324 --> 01:09:56,791 I thought it was like being jumped into a gang. 1505 01:09:56,793 --> 01:09:58,660 Only with dinner guests! 1506 01:09:58,662 --> 01:10:00,962 You called my family "pipe-hittin' bitches!" 1507 01:10:00,964 --> 01:10:02,844 I hate to pin it on you, but 1508 01:10:03,899 --> 01:10:05,779 you did invite me to dinner. 1509 01:10:05,868 --> 01:10:07,335 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 1510 01:10:07,337 --> 01:10:09,437 No, I'm sorry. I just... 1511 01:10:09,439 --> 01:10:12,407 I'm just under a lot of stress because... 1512 01:10:12,409 --> 01:10:14,475 Because Allenby, he doesn't want you to do 1513 01:10:14,477 --> 01:10:16,557 the story that you're doing for sweeps. 1514 01:10:16,612 --> 01:10:17,879 "Death From Above." 1515 01:10:17,881 --> 01:10:19,347 It's an excellent story. Wonderful expose. 1516 01:10:19,349 --> 01:10:20,782 Listen, Ron. 1517 01:10:22,351 --> 01:10:24,512 Have you ever heard of synergy? 1518 01:10:30,492 --> 01:10:32,660 So your mom thought we should get together, 1519 01:10:32,662 --> 01:10:34,262 spend a little time. 1520 01:10:35,698 --> 01:10:38,700 She doesn't think I connect with you as a child. 1521 01:10:40,669 --> 01:10:42,989 Can you believe that bullshit? 1522 01:10:44,240 --> 01:10:46,441 Oh! This is hard. 1523 01:10:46,443 --> 01:10:49,277 Things you say to a 6-year-old... 1524 01:10:50,646 --> 01:10:53,448 Oh! Guess what? I slept with a black woman. 1525 01:10:53,450 --> 01:10:55,550 What? Nothing. 1526 01:10:55,552 --> 01:10:58,253 Dad, do you like Spider-Man? 1527 01:10:58,255 --> 01:11:02,323 Nope. Don't care for him. Never have. 1528 01:11:02,325 --> 01:11:05,927 Don't like the mask, the costume, the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh. 1529 01:11:05,929 --> 01:11:08,763 He comes off like a real dickhead. Real poser. 1530 01:11:08,765 --> 01:11:10,665 What's a poser? 1531 01:11:10,667 --> 01:11:15,503 A poser is Gary. That's what a poser is. 1532 01:11:15,505 --> 01:11:17,338 By the way, how is that shitheel? 1533 01:11:17,340 --> 01:11:18,564 What's a shitheel? 1534 01:11:18,874 --> 01:11:21,743 A shitheel is a real fun term 1535 01:11:21,745 --> 01:11:24,379 that you should call Gary every time you see him. 1536 01:11:24,381 --> 01:11:27,849 When he wakes you up for breakfast, say, "Good morning, shitheel." 1537 01:11:27,851 --> 01:11:30,351 He'll probably give you $5 or some candy. 1538 01:11:30,353 --> 01:11:32,387 Does that sound good? Yeah. 1539 01:11:32,389 --> 01:11:34,489 You're a shitheel, Dad. 1540 01:11:34,491 --> 01:11:35,689 Good. 1541 01:11:35,691 --> 01:11:39,661 You should just call Gary that. 'Cause it makes him really happy. 1542 01:11:39,663 --> 01:11:41,983 It makes me sort of happy, but it makes him really happy. 1543 01:11:42,765 --> 01:11:44,966 Dad. Huh? 1544 01:11:44,968 --> 01:11:46,701 Sometimes I hear sounds at night 1545 01:11:46,703 --> 01:11:48,469 and I get scared. 1546 01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:51,372 I think there's a ghost in my closet. 1547 01:11:51,374 --> 01:11:53,074 Now, you listen to me, son. 1548 01:11:53,076 --> 01:11:57,312 There is no such thing as ghosts. Case closed. 1549 01:11:57,314 --> 01:11:58,880 So what's real that's scary? 1550 01:11:58,882 --> 01:12:00,348 You really want to know 1551 01:12:00,350 --> 01:12:01,830 the one thing you should be afraid of? 1552 01:12:02,084 --> 01:12:03,651 Yes, I really do. 1553 01:12:04,420 --> 01:12:06,387 Voodoo. Voodoo? 1554 01:12:06,389 --> 01:12:07,822 Yes, voodoo. 1555 01:12:07,824 --> 01:12:09,824 That shit will mess you up. 1556 01:12:09,826 --> 01:12:12,360 And it is 100% real. 1557 01:12:12,661 --> 01:12:14,729 Promise me 1558 01:12:14,731 --> 01:12:15,891 that you'll never go to Haiti. 1559 01:12:16,065 --> 01:12:18,066 I promise, Dad. 1560 01:12:18,068 --> 01:12:20,001 This was good. I enjoyed spending time with you. 1561 01:12:20,003 --> 01:12:21,803 Me, too, Dad. 1562 01:12:21,805 --> 01:12:23,805 Oh, and hey. Do you want to go to Haiti sometime? 1563 01:12:23,807 --> 01:12:26,007 No. Good. Good. 1564 01:12:26,009 --> 01:12:27,942 What did you tell him? 1565 01:12:27,944 --> 01:12:29,911 I didn't tell him anything. 1566 01:12:29,913 --> 01:12:32,547 He hasn't slept for four days, Ron! 1567 01:12:32,549 --> 01:12:35,049 Everywhere we go, he asks me if we're going to Haiti! 1568 01:12:35,051 --> 01:12:36,751 What does that even mean? 1569 01:12:36,753 --> 01:12:39,654 I am so sick and tired that you've sheltered him 1570 01:12:39,656 --> 01:12:41,756 from the evils of voodoo. 1571 01:12:41,758 --> 01:12:44,826 You need to learn to connect with him in a healthy way! 1572 01:12:44,828 --> 01:12:47,061 Let me ask you something, and I'm not trying to be funny here. 1573 01:12:47,063 --> 01:12:49,464 Are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability? 1574 01:12:49,466 --> 01:12:52,700 He is seven years old, Ron. 1575 01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:54,502 All right. Now listen to me. 1576 01:12:54,504 --> 01:12:57,839 He has a science fair tomorrow, at 8:00, 1577 01:12:57,841 --> 01:12:59,440 and he wants you to be there. 1578 01:12:59,442 --> 01:13:02,443 I will be there. All right? 1579 01:13:02,445 --> 01:13:03,878 Now, who do you have for sweeps week? 1580 01:13:03,880 --> 01:13:06,114 I'm not discussing work with you, Ron, okay? 1581 01:13:06,116 --> 01:13:08,583 Just be there at the science fair tomorrow. 1582 01:13:08,585 --> 01:13:09,550 Fine! 1583 01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:13,154 Well, they're calling it the interview of the decade. 1584 01:13:13,156 --> 01:13:15,476 Veronica Corningstone will sit down with Yasser Arafat. 1585 01:13:15,691 --> 01:13:16,991 Yasser who? 1586 01:13:16,993 --> 01:13:18,291 The head of the PLO and some say 1587 01:13:18,293 --> 01:13:19,791 the key to peace in the Middle East. 1588 01:13:19,793 --> 01:13:23,965 Of course, Ms. Corningstone is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy, 1589 01:13:23,967 --> 01:13:26,100 so you know that's got to be a little stinger for Ronny. 1590 01:13:26,102 --> 01:13:28,536 Tony Danza's scrotum! 1591 01:13:28,538 --> 01:13:30,805 Well, that'll do it for all of us here at GNN. 1592 01:13:30,807 --> 01:13:33,775 Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. 1593 01:13:33,777 --> 01:13:35,042 I'm Dick Phuc. 1594 01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:42,917 We're going to get crushed in ratings. Just crushed. 1595 01:13:42,919 --> 01:13:45,420 I really thought we had a chance this time. 1596 01:13:45,422 --> 01:13:47,342 What about my "Death From Above" story? 1597 01:13:48,791 --> 01:13:51,058 You better ask Ron about that. 1598 01:13:52,528 --> 01:13:54,095 We're pulling that story, Brian. 1599 01:13:54,097 --> 01:13:56,931 What? Why? I worked hard on that story. 1600 01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:58,533 It was my call, all right, Brian? 1601 01:13:58,535 --> 01:14:00,201 Just let it go. It's synergy. 1602 01:14:00,203 --> 01:14:01,469 What does that mean? 1603 01:14:01,471 --> 01:14:03,204 Take it easy, Ron. 1604 01:14:03,206 --> 01:14:05,807 We got further than anybody thought we would. We'll get 'em next time. 1605 01:14:05,809 --> 01:14:07,542 You take it easy! 1606 01:14:07,544 --> 01:14:09,110 I'm not in this to finish second! 1607 01:14:09,112 --> 01:14:10,978 I think Champ is just saying... 1608 01:14:10,980 --> 01:14:14,549 I know what he was trying to say, Brian, okay? 1609 01:14:14,551 --> 01:14:17,185 And it doesn't surprise me that you guys don't care. 1610 01:14:17,187 --> 01:14:19,507 Let's face it, I'm the one who gets the ratings. 1611 01:14:20,722 --> 01:14:22,802 I'm starting to wonder what you clowns actually do. 1612 01:14:23,792 --> 01:14:26,561 Chani likes clowns. Except for the scary ones. 1613 01:14:26,563 --> 01:14:27,495 Shut up, Brick! 1614 01:14:28,096 --> 01:14:29,897 Just shut up for once! 1615 01:14:30,966 --> 01:14:32,800 Ron 1616 01:14:32,802 --> 01:14:34,502 yelled at me. 1617 01:14:34,504 --> 01:14:36,065 You're damn right I yelled at you! 1618 01:14:39,541 --> 01:14:41,876 You don't yell at Brick. 1619 01:14:41,878 --> 01:14:42,977 Are you still smoking crack? 1620 01:14:43,579 --> 01:14:44,779 No. 1621 01:14:45,948 --> 01:14:47,828 I only smoked crack that one time. 1622 01:14:49,017 --> 01:14:52,019 That's a lie. I've done it six more times. 1623 01:14:52,021 --> 01:14:53,488 You made Brick cry. 1624 01:14:55,191 --> 01:14:57,111 You've gone ratings crazy, Ron. 1625 01:14:59,661 --> 01:15:02,129 But seriously, do you have any more of that crack left? 1626 01:15:02,131 --> 01:15:04,499 You know what, Ron? 1627 01:15:04,501 --> 01:15:06,667 We're a news team, and that's a bond for life. 1628 01:15:06,669 --> 01:15:08,569 But I don't like the man you've become. 1629 01:15:08,571 --> 01:15:10,304 You know, we were happy when you found us. 1630 01:15:10,306 --> 01:15:11,606 Right? 1631 01:15:11,608 --> 01:15:13,541 I was taking pictures of pussies, 1632 01:15:13,543 --> 01:15:16,511 Champ was serving bats to people, and Brick was dead. 1633 01:15:16,513 --> 01:15:19,580 We took a gamble. Took a gamble to follow you here. 1634 01:15:19,582 --> 01:15:21,249 But I'm starting to realize, this was all about you, 1635 01:15:21,251 --> 01:15:23,651 and beating Veronica at all costs. 1636 01:15:23,653 --> 01:15:24,919 Had nothing to do with the news, nothing to do with the team. 1637 01:15:24,921 --> 01:15:26,521 Brian, don't. 1638 01:15:26,523 --> 01:15:27,989 You know, I might not be the smartest guy, 1639 01:15:27,991 --> 01:15:30,725 but I know a thing or two about a thing or two. 1640 01:15:30,727 --> 01:15:32,760 I know that if you're pleasuring a woman down south, 1641 01:15:32,762 --> 01:15:34,662 you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet. 1642 01:15:34,664 --> 01:15:37,732 Around the bubble. Around her bubble. 1643 01:15:37,734 --> 01:15:40,968 The vulva! The Volvo. 1644 01:15:40,970 --> 01:15:44,539 I know that "synergy" is a completely made-up word. 1645 01:15:44,541 --> 01:15:47,308 I know that washing your hands is for nerds. 1646 01:15:47,310 --> 01:15:49,844 Especially if you don't mind pinkeye. 1647 01:15:49,846 --> 01:15:55,149 And I know that, no matter what, you always stand by your friends. 1648 01:15:55,151 --> 01:15:57,184 You'll have to excuse me, Brian. 1649 01:15:58,053 --> 01:16:00,655 I've got a sore back 1650 01:16:00,657 --> 01:16:03,691 from carrying your ass around for the last 15 years. 1651 01:16:04,860 --> 01:16:06,961 You know what, Burgundy? 1652 01:16:06,963 --> 01:16:09,797 I think your mouth is writing checks that your body isn't... 1653 01:16:09,799 --> 01:16:11,960 Can't even... Do anything with. 1654 01:16:18,240 --> 01:16:20,808 Fine, go! I don't need you! 1655 01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:23,678 I'll do the news by myself! 1656 01:16:28,817 --> 01:16:32,019 Tonight I interview Yasser Arafat, 1657 01:16:32,021 --> 01:16:33,901 This is terrible. The secretive head of the PLO. 1658 01:16:34,623 --> 01:16:36,343 We're on in 20, Ron. 20. All right. 1659 01:16:37,025 --> 01:16:37,925 You ready? 1660 01:16:38,794 --> 01:16:40,895 What's that? Huh? 1661 01:16:40,897 --> 01:16:43,230 Oh, that's nothing. It's just a car chase 1662 01:16:43,232 --> 01:16:45,473 on the satellite feed from Milwaukee. 1663 01:16:46,201 --> 01:16:48,336 You know what? 1664 01:16:48,338 --> 01:16:50,838 Give it to me live to start the broadcast. 1665 01:16:50,840 --> 01:16:53,608 No. That's not news, Ron. 1666 01:16:53,610 --> 01:16:55,610 Give it to me live, okay? 1667 01:16:55,612 --> 01:16:56,877 And don't question me again. 1668 01:16:56,879 --> 01:16:58,279 Bill! 1669 01:16:58,281 --> 01:17:00,781 Now to you, the modern viewer, 1670 01:17:00,783 --> 01:17:03,651 Here we go. Reporting on a car chase may seem commonplace, 1671 01:17:03,653 --> 01:17:06,821 3, 2... but in 1980, it was unheard of. 1672 01:17:06,823 --> 01:17:08,956 Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, 1673 01:17:08,958 --> 01:17:11,258 reporting live from New York. 1674 01:17:11,260 --> 01:17:14,729 We have breaking news developing in our nation's heartland. 1675 01:17:14,731 --> 01:17:18,399 A high-speed car chase is in progress... 1676 01:17:18,401 --> 01:17:21,002 Keep the "Breaking News" logo. Keep up the graphics. 1677 01:17:21,004 --> 01:17:22,502 Reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour. 1678 01:17:22,504 --> 01:17:24,071 And for the first time in news history, 1679 01:17:24,073 --> 01:17:26,073 we will stay with it live 1680 01:17:26,075 --> 01:17:29,010 until it resolves in either a huge accident 1681 01:17:29,012 --> 01:17:31,012 - or a massive shootout. - Richard! 1682 01:17:31,014 --> 01:17:33,280 Hurry. Get in here! There's a car chase on the news! 1683 01:17:34,950 --> 01:17:36,851 When is Dad gonna be here? 1684 01:17:36,853 --> 01:17:37,893 He'll be here. 1685 01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:39,954 Are you a little upset? 1686 01:17:39,956 --> 01:17:41,856 Do you want to do that thing where we 1687 01:17:42,791 --> 01:17:45,126 sort of talk about our feelings? 1688 01:17:45,128 --> 01:17:47,695 Oh, God, no. Okay. 1689 01:17:47,697 --> 01:17:49,430 This is the pulse of what's going on 1690 01:17:49,432 --> 01:17:51,432 in our country right now. 1691 01:17:51,434 --> 01:17:53,100 Freddie, what's going on? 1692 01:17:53,102 --> 01:17:55,002 Why is there a local car chase on the TV? 1693 01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:56,971 It's Burgundy. He insisted! 1694 01:17:56,973 --> 01:17:58,739 Can't you see what the son of a bitch is doing? 1695 01:17:58,741 --> 01:18:00,307 We didn't have a story, so he made one. 1696 01:18:00,409 --> 01:18:01,876 You can't do that! 1697 01:18:02,178 --> 01:18:04,111 Tell Ron to speculate who's driving the car. 1698 01:18:04,113 --> 01:18:07,281 Ron, speculate on who's driving the car. 1699 01:18:07,283 --> 01:18:11,052 Uh, we believe the driver may be on drugs. 1700 01:18:11,054 --> 01:18:13,921 He's probably 6'7 ", 6'8". 1701 01:18:13,923 --> 01:18:16,424 But a skinny 6'7 ", 6'8". About 160. 1702 01:18:16,426 --> 01:18:18,926 He may have a hostage or two. 1703 01:18:18,928 --> 01:18:21,262 Uh, we don't know. He could have... 1704 01:18:21,264 --> 01:18:23,998 The phone lines are lighting up. It's about the chase! 1705 01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:25,733 I've never seen anything like it! 1706 01:18:25,735 --> 01:18:28,269 Mr. Arafat, is there any 1707 01:18:28,271 --> 01:18:31,806 scenario by which peace could be reached with Israel? 1708 01:18:31,808 --> 01:18:33,741 Peace is what burns in my heart. I am committed to... 1709 01:18:33,743 --> 01:18:34,983 What was... Excuse me. 1710 01:18:35,277 --> 01:18:37,244 What happened to the... 1711 01:18:37,246 --> 01:18:39,046 The network cut to another developing story. 1712 01:18:39,048 --> 01:18:40,881 Some kind of crazy car chase. 1713 01:18:40,883 --> 01:18:43,718 Who covers a car chase? 1714 01:18:43,720 --> 01:18:47,922 I am sitting here with the most important interview of my entire career, 1715 01:18:47,924 --> 01:18:49,457 and they're cutting to a car chase? 1716 01:18:49,459 --> 01:18:51,192 I would like to watch the car chase. 1717 01:18:51,194 --> 01:18:52,827 You need to shut your mouth. 1718 01:18:52,829 --> 01:18:53,927 This is extremely gripping. 1719 01:18:53,929 --> 01:18:56,564 Oh! Oh! He just hit a car! He just hit a car! 1720 01:18:56,866 --> 01:18:58,032 He hit a car! Did you see that? 1721 01:18:58,034 --> 01:19:00,234 - He hit a car! - Wow! 1722 01:19:00,236 --> 01:19:01,902 He hit the car! He hit the car! 1723 01:19:01,904 --> 01:19:04,872 When did the news get awesome? 1724 01:19:04,874 --> 01:19:06,774 And he just loses it! Wow! 1725 01:19:06,776 --> 01:19:08,476 That's exactly what we needed. 1726 01:19:08,478 --> 01:19:11,294 It was getting a little boring... 1727 01:19:13,081 --> 01:19:15,382 Hey. You did a great job. 1728 01:19:15,384 --> 01:19:17,785 Thanks, Gary. 1729 01:19:17,787 --> 01:19:19,320 I don't think your dad's coming. 1730 01:19:19,322 --> 01:19:21,442 I'm sorry, honey, but I think we need to go. 1731 01:19:22,491 --> 01:19:24,425 Stop reading my mind! 1732 01:19:25,227 --> 01:19:26,327 All right. 1733 01:19:30,966 --> 01:19:32,966 I mean, this is what I worry about. 1734 01:19:34,803 --> 01:19:36,771 Did you do that with your mind? 1735 01:19:36,773 --> 01:19:37,838 No. 1736 01:19:37,840 --> 01:19:39,807 Liar. 1737 01:19:39,809 --> 01:19:44,078 We're just getting word that police have finally apprehended the suspect. 1738 01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:46,947 It turns out that he is an elderly gentleman, 1739 01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:48,883 he's 80 years old, 1740 01:19:48,885 --> 01:19:50,484 and he was simply confused. Unbelievable. 1741 01:19:50,486 --> 01:19:52,553 I'm Ron Burgundy. 1742 01:19:52,555 --> 01:19:56,257 Don't just have a great night, have an American night. 1743 01:19:58,226 --> 01:19:59,927 And we are clear! 1744 01:20:00,195 --> 01:20:01,162 Yes! 1745 01:20:01,830 --> 01:20:02,997 Great! 1746 01:20:02,999 --> 01:20:04,832 All right! 1747 01:20:04,834 --> 01:20:06,801 I don't believe it! You did it, Ron! 1748 01:20:06,803 --> 01:20:08,502 Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie. 1749 01:20:09,971 --> 01:20:11,939 I don't deserve this. 1750 01:20:11,941 --> 01:20:13,440 It was a team effort. It really was. 1751 01:20:22,918 --> 01:20:24,585 Now, ladies and gentlemen, 1752 01:20:24,587 --> 01:20:26,921 we all know there's one reason 1753 01:20:26,923 --> 01:20:30,324 that GNN has gotten to the top. 1754 01:20:30,326 --> 01:20:33,260 And that reason is the greatest bloody newsman in the world. 1755 01:20:33,262 --> 01:20:35,296 Long may he reign! 1756 01:20:35,298 --> 01:20:36,997 Mr. Ron Burgundy! 1757 01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:38,120 Yeah, Ron! Yeah! 1758 01:20:47,442 --> 01:20:48,976 Fire it up, Ronny! 1759 01:21:13,068 --> 01:21:14,635 Let's blaze. 1760 01:21:14,637 --> 01:21:17,004 Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy. 1761 01:21:18,373 --> 01:21:20,140 We did it, my onyx hellion. 1762 01:21:22,644 --> 01:21:23,804 You're magic! 1763 01:21:26,348 --> 01:21:28,282 Ron, you should see what you're doing! 1764 01:21:44,666 --> 01:21:47,134 In the myth of Icarus, 1765 01:21:47,136 --> 01:21:49,904 Icarus, full of the folly that comes with pride, 1766 01:21:49,906 --> 01:21:51,238 flew too high 1767 01:21:51,240 --> 01:21:52,973 and the sun melted his wings. 1768 01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:58,312 Burgundy's fame was bigger than he ever imagined. 1769 01:21:58,314 --> 01:22:00,915 And the fall was dizzying. 1770 01:22:09,190 --> 01:22:10,424 Oh, my God, Ronny! 1771 01:22:10,959 --> 01:22:12,993 Ron! 1772 01:22:12,995 --> 01:22:14,561 Will somebody call an ambulance? 1773 01:22:14,563 --> 01:22:17,284 Do not die in front of us! 1774 01:22:17,565 --> 01:22:20,067 Do not die in front of us! 1775 01:22:22,337 --> 01:22:24,171 Stay classy, Ron Burgundy. 1776 01:22:24,173 --> 01:22:25,974 Somebody call an ambulance! 1777 01:22:37,452 --> 01:22:39,219 Damn it, Milton, what is it? 1778 01:22:39,221 --> 01:22:40,521 Well, Ron... 1779 01:22:40,523 --> 01:22:42,523 I, um... 1780 01:22:42,525 --> 01:22:45,492 It looks as if both optic nerves 1781 01:22:45,494 --> 01:22:48,662 are separated from their respective corneas. 1782 01:22:48,664 --> 01:22:50,865 What? No other way to put this, but... 1783 01:22:51,066 --> 01:22:52,266 You're blind. 1784 01:22:52,268 --> 01:22:55,135 Milton, I'm an anchorman. 1785 01:22:55,137 --> 01:22:58,605 I read the news off the teleprompter. It's what I do! 1786 01:22:58,607 --> 01:23:00,240 How will I live? 1787 01:23:00,242 --> 01:23:01,642 I'm no career counselor, 1788 01:23:01,644 --> 01:23:03,344 but there are many things you can do. 1789 01:23:03,346 --> 01:23:05,579 Be an oracle, or a mystic. 1790 01:23:05,581 --> 01:23:07,481 Clearly, there must be something 1791 01:23:07,483 --> 01:23:10,985 in this new-fangled office of yours that can help me! 1792 01:23:10,987 --> 01:23:12,986 Settle down. There's got to be something in here! 1793 01:23:12,988 --> 01:23:14,121 Settle down! 1794 01:23:14,123 --> 01:23:15,990 Zombies! Zombies! 1795 01:23:15,992 --> 01:23:17,157 Ahh! 1796 01:23:18,560 --> 01:23:21,201 If you get my hands on me, I'll kill you. 1797 01:23:22,330 --> 01:23:24,031 The world of the blind. 1798 01:23:24,033 --> 01:23:25,666 Ron Burgundy, a man who had 1799 01:23:25,668 --> 01:23:28,302 flourished in a visual medium, 1800 01:23:28,304 --> 01:23:31,538 had forever entered this realm of darkness. 1801 01:23:49,792 --> 01:23:50,691 Who is it? 1802 01:23:53,561 --> 01:23:55,763 Ron, it's us! 1803 01:23:55,765 --> 01:23:57,331 I'm sure you gentlemen 1804 01:23:57,333 --> 01:23:59,533 are famished from your travels. 1805 01:23:59,535 --> 01:24:03,237 I hope you like Triscuits and some pimento loaf. 1806 01:24:03,239 --> 01:24:05,105 Still hot off the griddle! 1807 01:24:05,507 --> 01:24:07,441 There we go. 1808 01:24:07,443 --> 01:24:09,684 Well, everyone at the station really misses you, Ron. 1809 01:24:10,712 --> 01:24:13,680 Jack Lime's been filling in for you since you've been gone. 1810 01:24:13,682 --> 01:24:15,716 You know, he's really not such a bad guy after all. 1811 01:24:15,718 --> 01:24:17,117 Ha-ha. 1812 01:24:17,119 --> 01:24:19,153 He goes by Jack Lame now. 1813 01:24:19,155 --> 01:24:21,121 Well, he shouldn't be doing that. 1814 01:24:21,123 --> 01:24:22,363 He should be going by Jack Lame. 1815 01:24:22,657 --> 01:24:23,757 Brick! 1816 01:24:23,759 --> 01:24:25,559 Brick. 1817 01:24:25,561 --> 01:24:27,362 That's checkers and caulk. Don't eat that. 1818 01:24:28,696 --> 01:24:30,364 What about Linda? She hasn't called. 1819 01:24:30,366 --> 01:24:31,331 Linda's pretty busy. 1820 01:24:31,333 --> 01:24:34,802 Ron, I'm going to need your recipe. 1821 01:24:34,804 --> 01:24:36,570 So, Ron, what do you do with yourself all day? 1822 01:24:36,572 --> 01:24:38,405 You're just out here pretty much away from everything. 1823 01:24:38,407 --> 01:24:40,707 Well, every day begins about the same. 1824 01:24:40,709 --> 01:24:43,143 I wake up screaming in terror 1825 01:24:43,145 --> 01:24:44,678 because of the blackness and I think I'm dead. 1826 01:24:44,680 --> 01:24:46,113 Every day? 1827 01:24:46,115 --> 01:24:48,215 Yes! Every day! 1828 01:24:48,217 --> 01:24:51,185 And then I begin what's called The Great Adventure. 1829 01:24:51,187 --> 01:24:53,454 Making breakfast. 1830 01:24:53,456 --> 01:24:56,090 I've eaten everything from nails to drink coasters. 1831 01:24:56,092 --> 01:24:58,625 One time I bit hard into a marble ashtray, 1832 01:24:58,627 --> 01:25:00,761 thinking it was a savory waffle. 1833 01:25:00,763 --> 01:25:05,432 I wanted that waffle so bad! Completely shattered my teeth. 1834 01:25:05,434 --> 01:25:07,668 Couldn't you tell the ashtray wasn't hot like a waffle? 1835 01:25:07,670 --> 01:25:10,471 No! I couldn't! Because I'm blind! 1836 01:25:10,473 --> 01:25:14,174 I'm not blind 23 hours a day or 22 hours a day, 1837 01:25:14,176 --> 01:25:17,377 I'm blind the whole goddamn time! 1838 01:25:17,379 --> 01:25:18,479 Do you have any idea what it's like 1839 01:25:18,481 --> 01:25:20,681 to drink a half a bottle of ketchup 1840 01:25:20,683 --> 01:25:24,251 thinking it was a bottle of 1946 Chateauneuf-Du-Pape? 1841 01:25:25,587 --> 01:25:27,488 I even decanted it! 1842 01:25:27,490 --> 01:25:30,491 If you drank half a bottle of that, that's like... 1843 01:25:30,493 --> 01:25:32,526 That's like nine or ten gulps. 1844 01:25:32,528 --> 01:25:34,260 I mean, you couldn't tell that was ketchup? 1845 01:25:34,262 --> 01:25:35,329 Did I stutter? 1846 01:25:35,331 --> 01:25:38,732 I'm ba-lind! 1847 01:25:38,734 --> 01:25:40,734 You're having a tough time, Ron, I know. 1848 01:25:40,736 --> 01:25:42,736 You know what the biggest indignity is? 1849 01:25:42,837 --> 01:25:44,371 I can't even masturbate! 1850 01:25:44,373 --> 01:25:45,806 Why? 1851 01:25:45,808 --> 01:25:48,208 Heck, one morning, I spent 20 minutes 1852 01:25:48,210 --> 01:25:52,579 aggressively rubbing my shin, wondering, "Where's the sensation? 1853 01:25:52,581 --> 01:25:53,814 "Where's the pleasure coming?" 1854 01:25:53,816 --> 01:25:56,350 You rubbed your shin thinking it was a penis? 1855 01:25:56,352 --> 01:25:57,518 I know you think I'm stupid, don't you? 1856 01:25:57,520 --> 01:25:59,419 - No! - The weirdo 1857 01:25:59,421 --> 01:26:00,787 who lives in the weird lighthouse 1858 01:26:00,789 --> 01:26:02,556 in the middle of nowhere. 1859 01:26:02,558 --> 01:26:04,691 Ron, it was your choice to live in a "weird lighthouse." 1860 01:26:04,693 --> 01:26:06,426 You know why I live here? 1861 01:26:06,428 --> 01:26:10,531 Let me say it real slow and real loud. 1862 01:26:10,533 --> 01:26:12,566 I'm 1863 01:26:12,568 --> 01:26:15,435 bl-i-i-i-i-nd! 1864 01:26:16,471 --> 01:26:17,938 I guess we should get out of here. 1865 01:26:17,940 --> 01:26:19,606 Maybe you should go. Yes. 1866 01:26:19,608 --> 01:26:22,242 Why don't you guys get out of here! 1867 01:26:22,244 --> 01:26:24,711 Despite my complete and utter isolation, 1868 01:26:24,713 --> 01:26:27,447 your gentlemen's visit has actually made it worse! 1869 01:26:35,190 --> 01:26:36,456 Goodbye, Ron. 1870 01:26:38,793 --> 01:26:40,446 What? 1871 01:26:40,828 --> 01:26:42,663 No, don't go! 1872 01:26:42,665 --> 01:26:46,400 Please! Wait! I'm all alone! Come back! 1873 01:26:51,506 --> 01:26:53,807 Wait! Come back! 1874 01:26:54,842 --> 01:26:56,510 Come back! 1875 01:26:59,814 --> 01:27:01,481 I'm alone! 1876 01:27:02,550 --> 01:27:07,354 Why have you done this to me, God? Why? 1877 01:27:07,356 --> 01:27:10,891 Couldn't you have cured a sick child or created a new animal? 1878 01:27:10,893 --> 01:27:14,561 But, no, you had to make Ron Burgundy blind! 1879 01:27:15,998 --> 01:27:17,664 Well, I never thought that I would see 1880 01:27:17,666 --> 01:27:21,235 the Ron Burgundy full of so much self-pity. 1881 01:27:21,237 --> 01:27:23,870 Who is it? What is that noise? 1882 01:27:23,872 --> 01:27:24,953 Take my hand. 1883 01:27:25,640 --> 01:27:27,374 I can't see it! 1884 01:27:27,376 --> 01:27:29,309 Reach for it, Ron! 1885 01:27:29,311 --> 01:27:31,552 You have to learn to do for yourself now. 1886 01:27:32,413 --> 01:27:34,014 All right. This... Okay. Here we go. 1887 01:27:34,016 --> 01:27:35,256 Get up. There we go. 1888 01:27:37,919 --> 01:27:39,686 Cher, is that you? 1889 01:27:39,688 --> 01:27:41,768 You can't recognize me by my voice? 1890 01:27:41,889 --> 01:27:43,323 Jan-Michael Vincent? 1891 01:27:43,758 --> 01:27:45,659 Really? 1892 01:27:45,661 --> 01:27:48,462 Every news station is copying what you did, Ron. 1893 01:27:48,464 --> 01:27:53,634 All the stories are about animals, or car chases or strip clubs. 1894 01:27:53,636 --> 01:27:56,570 The genie has been let out of the bottle, 1895 01:27:56,572 --> 01:27:58,739 and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork. 1896 01:27:58,741 --> 01:28:01,341 That's why I quit WBC News. 1897 01:28:01,343 --> 01:28:03,777 What? There's no real news being reported out there. 1898 01:28:03,779 --> 01:28:05,019 It's just all about ratings. 1899 01:28:05,280 --> 01:28:06,520 Veronica. 1900 01:28:07,048 --> 01:28:08,649 Why are you here? 1901 01:28:08,651 --> 01:28:09,983 I'm here for our son, Ron. 1902 01:28:10,585 --> 01:28:12,319 Walter needs you. 1903 01:28:12,321 --> 01:28:14,354 I need you to start taking responsibility 1904 01:28:14,356 --> 01:28:16,323 for him and for yourself. 1905 01:28:16,325 --> 01:28:18,458 Do you realize you're talking to a man 1906 01:28:18,460 --> 01:28:20,460 who just this morning tried to brush his teeth 1907 01:28:20,462 --> 01:28:21,702 with a live lobster? 1908 01:28:21,863 --> 01:28:22,963 What? 1909 01:28:24,766 --> 01:28:26,933 You would've known the second that you touched it... 1910 01:28:26,935 --> 01:28:29,803 I'm just saying it's not going to be a cakewalk. 1911 01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:31,838 Well, then we best get to it. 1912 01:28:32,473 --> 01:28:33,540 Now, drink your tea. 1913 01:28:34,509 --> 01:28:35,976 Oh! 1914 01:28:38,413 --> 01:28:39,680 Let me get a sponge. I'll get it. 1915 01:28:39,682 --> 01:28:41,815 All right. No, no, just stay there. 1916 01:28:41,817 --> 01:28:43,897 I'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy. 1917 01:28:54,429 --> 01:28:55,829 Let's try this again. 1918 01:28:55,831 --> 01:28:57,597 Did you throw it? Yes, I threw it. 1919 01:28:57,599 --> 01:28:58,865 Just remember the curves. 1920 01:28:59,367 --> 01:29:00,567 The curves. 1921 01:29:00,569 --> 01:29:02,869 The green eyes. Green eyes. 1922 01:29:02,871 --> 01:29:04,471 You have to use your other senses now! 1923 01:29:04,839 --> 01:29:06,473 I can't do it! 1924 01:29:07,942 --> 01:29:10,744 Baxter found something on the beach! 1925 01:29:11,412 --> 01:29:12,946 Ron, be careful! 1926 01:29:12,948 --> 01:29:15,482 It's okay! 1927 01:29:15,484 --> 01:29:18,819 Walter, what is it? It's some kind of fish! 1928 01:29:19,954 --> 01:29:21,822 Oh, my goodness! 1929 01:29:21,824 --> 01:29:23,623 If he stays tangled in this net, 1930 01:29:23,625 --> 01:29:25,459 he's not going to survive. 1931 01:29:25,461 --> 01:29:27,141 Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark. 1932 01:29:27,362 --> 01:29:29,429 Son, 1933 01:29:29,431 --> 01:29:31,965 don't you worry, we won't let this fellow die. 1934 01:29:31,967 --> 01:29:33,633 We'll do it together, Dad. 1935 01:29:38,840 --> 01:29:40,907 That should keep him in there until he's strong enough 1936 01:29:40,909 --> 01:29:42,376 to swim out to the deep ocean. 1937 01:29:42,810 --> 01:29:43,977 Can I name him? 1938 01:29:43,979 --> 01:29:45,879 Of course you can, son. 1939 01:29:45,881 --> 01:29:49,015 What about Crackers? 1940 01:29:49,017 --> 01:29:51,885 Give me a goddamned break. 1941 01:29:51,887 --> 01:29:55,055 Seriously, you've got one of the most vicious predators in the ocean, 1942 01:29:55,057 --> 01:29:57,090 you're gonna name him "Crackers"? 1943 01:29:57,092 --> 01:30:02,062 In the future when you say I can name something, don't be a dick about it. 1944 01:30:02,064 --> 01:30:05,432 Why don't we do this? Let's name him Doby. 1945 01:30:05,434 --> 01:30:09,102 You talk all that smack and that's the best name you come up with? 1946 01:30:09,104 --> 01:30:11,671 Well, we're not gonna get any better than that. 1947 01:30:11,673 --> 01:30:16,143 I mean, you obviously can't name him anything that sounds good. 1948 01:30:16,145 --> 01:30:20,414 How about we forget about this whole name thing and you go straight to hell? 1949 01:30:20,416 --> 01:30:22,482 Well, I don't know what to do. 1950 01:30:22,484 --> 01:30:25,852 We might as well poison the water and let him die. 1951 01:30:25,854 --> 01:30:28,522 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's just go with Doby. 1952 01:30:28,524 --> 01:30:31,057 Fine, then it's settled. It's Doby. 1953 01:30:31,059 --> 01:30:35,028 We'll call him Doby even though no one likes it. 1954 01:30:35,030 --> 01:30:37,097 All right, I can live with that. 1955 01:30:39,134 --> 01:30:42,035 Don't worry, Baxter. We won't feed him your dog food. 1956 01:30:47,909 --> 01:30:50,677 Even though Ron Burgundy had lost his sight, 1957 01:30:50,679 --> 01:30:52,612 he had never seen so clearly. 1958 01:30:52,614 --> 01:30:54,748 You did it! 1959 01:30:54,750 --> 01:30:58,718 And with every inch Doby grew, so did Ron's heart. 1960 01:31:10,164 --> 01:31:12,566 It's just a bunch of crazy lines, isn't it? 1961 01:31:12,568 --> 01:31:15,168 No. It's beautiful. 1962 01:31:16,704 --> 01:31:18,171 It's beautiful. 1963 01:31:32,954 --> 01:31:34,855 What about Gary? 1964 01:31:34,857 --> 01:31:37,023 We split up two weeks ago. 1965 01:31:37,025 --> 01:31:40,594 He was too emotionally stable. It was so annoying! 1966 01:31:40,596 --> 01:31:43,797 And so, just like the passing of the seasons, 1967 01:31:43,799 --> 01:31:45,999 it came time for Doby to return 1968 01:31:46,001 --> 01:31:48,201 to the deep waters he was meant to call home. 1969 01:31:48,203 --> 01:31:50,504 I hear his tail splashing! 1970 01:31:50,506 --> 01:31:52,639 He's actually swimming away! 1971 01:31:52,641 --> 01:31:54,774 Is he looking back for us over his shoulder? 1972 01:31:54,776 --> 01:31:56,276 Sharks don't have shoulders, Ron. 1973 01:31:56,278 --> 01:31:58,078 No, he just swam away, 1974 01:31:58,080 --> 01:32:00,160 and he's instantly looking for fish to eat. 1975 01:32:00,815 --> 01:32:02,883 He was my best friend. 1976 01:33:09,650 --> 01:33:11,785 Promise you'll always be there for me, Dad? 1977 01:33:11,787 --> 01:33:13,787 I promise. 1978 01:33:13,789 --> 01:33:15,855 If I say I'll be there for you, 1979 01:33:15,857 --> 01:33:18,124 there's nothing on God's earth that will stop me. 1980 01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:20,026 I love you, Dad. 1981 01:33:20,028 --> 01:33:22,162 Let's get back up to the lighthouse, all right? 1982 01:33:22,164 --> 01:33:23,644 Come on. Okay. 1983 01:33:24,231 --> 01:33:25,471 Let's go. 1984 01:33:26,834 --> 01:33:30,370 I hope you eat lots of fish and people, Doby. 1985 01:33:36,310 --> 01:33:37,978 Oh, there you are. 1986 01:33:37,980 --> 01:33:41,281 I found the most beautiful clams down by the estuary. 1987 01:33:41,283 --> 01:33:43,183 I thought we could steam them up tonight 1988 01:33:43,185 --> 01:33:45,118 with a nice butter sauce 1989 01:33:45,720 --> 01:33:47,621 and some wine. 1990 01:33:48,856 --> 01:33:49,823 Veronica. 1991 01:33:50,157 --> 01:33:51,725 Yes, Ron? 1992 01:33:52,393 --> 01:33:53,893 Can you explain this? 1993 01:33:55,831 --> 01:34:00,667 Ron, this is Dr. Brangley. I've left dozens of messages. 1994 01:34:00,669 --> 01:34:02,168 Somehow, they must be getting erased. 1995 01:34:02,170 --> 01:34:04,204 But there is a procedure 1996 01:34:04,206 --> 01:34:07,107 that can possibly return your sight. 1997 01:34:07,109 --> 01:34:09,876 Please get back to me if you're interested. 1998 01:34:09,878 --> 01:34:13,213 Well? Have you been erasing these messages? 1999 01:34:13,215 --> 01:34:15,815 Yes. Ron, just let me explain. 2000 01:34:15,817 --> 01:34:17,350 How could you? 2001 01:34:17,352 --> 01:34:20,053 We've never been this happy and I just thought that... 2002 01:34:20,055 --> 01:34:22,088 Thought that if I could see again, 2003 01:34:22,090 --> 01:34:24,124 that somehow I couldn't love you and Walter anymore? 2004 01:34:24,126 --> 01:34:25,925 Yes! 2005 01:34:25,927 --> 01:34:27,894 Damn you, woman! 2006 01:34:27,896 --> 01:34:30,057 You lied to me! 2007 01:34:30,831 --> 01:34:32,699 I gave you everything! 2008 01:34:32,701 --> 01:34:34,134 I gave you my heart, 2009 01:34:34,735 --> 01:34:36,236 my smile, 2010 01:34:36,704 --> 01:34:38,138 my seed. 2011 01:34:38,873 --> 01:34:40,240 And you lied to me. 2012 01:34:40,242 --> 01:34:41,374 Dad! Sweetheart. 2013 01:34:41,376 --> 01:34:43,243 No! Dad! 2014 01:34:43,245 --> 01:34:44,911 Don't leave, Dad! 2015 01:34:45,746 --> 01:34:47,981 Dad! Walter, just... 2016 01:34:47,983 --> 01:34:49,849 Sweetheart, we have to let him go. 2017 01:34:49,851 --> 01:34:51,851 He needs to go free. 2018 01:34:52,386 --> 01:34:54,754 Just like Doby. 2019 01:34:54,756 --> 01:34:56,823 He'll be back. He promised. 2020 01:34:58,827 --> 01:35:01,828 Could you please call me a damn cab? I'm blind! 2021 01:35:01,830 --> 01:35:02,729 Of course! 2022 01:35:02,731 --> 01:35:07,434 Ron, the operation was a success. 2023 01:35:07,436 --> 01:35:10,236 But we won't know for sure until we remove the bandages. 2024 01:35:16,210 --> 01:35:17,444 Well? 2025 01:35:17,945 --> 01:35:18,978 Yes. 2026 01:35:19,780 --> 01:35:21,247 I can see. 2027 01:35:25,454 --> 01:35:28,922 Oh, God, oh, God. It's Ron Burgundy, everyone! 2028 01:35:28,924 --> 01:35:30,724 You are my inspiration. 2029 01:35:30,726 --> 01:35:32,125 Oh, well, thank you. 2030 01:35:33,494 --> 01:35:34,961 Welcome back, Ron. 2031 01:35:34,963 --> 01:35:36,229 Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man. 2032 01:35:37,031 --> 01:35:38,152 Good luck in Vietnam. 2033 01:35:38,933 --> 01:35:40,734 Brick. 2034 01:35:40,736 --> 01:35:42,068 Brick and I are having a baby! 2035 01:35:42,070 --> 01:35:43,503 We're gonna name him Tortilla Jackson. 2036 01:35:43,505 --> 01:35:45,438 All right. I'm 22 months pregnant. 2037 01:35:45,440 --> 01:35:46,773 Well, get over here, you bastard. 2038 01:35:46,775 --> 01:35:48,508 Got you a drink, Ron. Come on. 2039 01:35:48,510 --> 01:35:52,178 Uh, hold on to that drink. I just want to grab some air. 2040 01:36:04,358 --> 01:36:05,792 How you doing there? 2041 01:36:06,794 --> 01:36:08,261 Oh. 2042 01:36:08,263 --> 01:36:10,530 I'm fine. Just, uh... 2043 01:36:11,899 --> 01:36:14,033 Just a lot of people in there. 2044 01:36:14,035 --> 01:36:17,804 Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that I never called or visited. 2045 01:36:17,806 --> 01:36:20,073 There's no need to explain. 2046 01:36:20,075 --> 01:36:21,207 But, listen, I mean, you're back. 2047 01:36:21,209 --> 01:36:22,089 Hello, Ron. 2048 01:36:23,544 --> 01:36:25,345 What are you doing here? 2049 01:36:25,347 --> 01:36:28,348 I had to come tell you something very important. 2050 01:36:30,217 --> 01:36:31,818 You must be Linda Jackson. 2051 01:36:31,820 --> 01:36:33,353 You must be Veronica. 2052 01:36:33,355 --> 01:36:35,121 Yes, I am. It's a pleasure. 2053 01:36:35,123 --> 01:36:36,923 This is a touching moment for me. 2054 01:36:36,925 --> 01:36:38,958 Please, don't take this the wrong way, 2055 01:36:38,960 --> 01:36:41,361 but if you touch Ron again, 2056 01:36:41,363 --> 01:36:44,030 I will shoot you in the cooch with a B.B. gun. 2057 01:36:44,032 --> 01:36:46,566 Oh! Well, you can talk big all you want, 2058 01:36:46,568 --> 01:36:49,202 but guess what, this kitten's got claws, bitch. 2059 01:36:49,204 --> 01:36:51,104 Don't mess with me, Linda, 2060 01:36:51,106 --> 01:36:54,107 because this "White Thunder" rolls deep and it rolls nasty. 2061 01:36:54,109 --> 01:36:55,909 I was feeling a little bit down, 2062 01:36:55,911 --> 01:36:58,144 but this is definitely picking up my mood. 2063 01:36:58,146 --> 01:37:00,480 Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone. 2064 01:37:00,482 --> 01:37:03,249 And it's been an absolute pleasure, Ms. Corningstone. 2065 01:37:03,251 --> 01:37:04,484 This has been great. 2066 01:37:04,486 --> 01:37:06,219 Do you guys want to kiss real quick? 2067 01:37:06,221 --> 01:37:08,388 Ron. Read the room. 2068 01:37:08,390 --> 01:37:09,489 I'll take that as a no. 2069 01:37:10,391 --> 01:37:13,126 Bye, Linda. 2070 01:37:13,128 --> 01:37:15,562 I know why you haven't been returning my messages. 2071 01:37:15,564 --> 01:37:19,599 I wasn't calling for me, I was calling because Walter has a piano recital 2072 01:37:19,601 --> 01:37:22,402 in half an hour at the Tishman School on 65th Street. 2073 01:37:22,404 --> 01:37:24,437 And he wrote a piece for you, Ron. 2074 01:37:24,972 --> 01:37:27,207 Aw, Walter. 2075 01:37:27,209 --> 01:37:30,310 It would mean the absolute world to him to have you there. 2076 01:37:30,312 --> 01:37:33,632 Ron, I just got a call from the control room! Oh, big fan. 2077 01:37:34,215 --> 01:37:37,483 Actress Sheila Blackledge, the mom from the hit sitcom 2078 01:37:37,485 --> 01:37:39,853 Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd, 2079 01:37:39,855 --> 01:37:42,322 she just found out her husband cheated on her 2080 01:37:42,324 --> 01:37:45,024 and she severed his penis while he slept! 2081 01:37:45,026 --> 01:37:46,459 Oh, my goodness. 2082 01:37:46,461 --> 01:37:50,230 The police arrived. She fled in her white Bronco, 2083 01:37:50,232 --> 01:37:53,633 and now they're engaged in a high-speed car chase! 2084 01:37:53,635 --> 01:37:55,969 We've got an exclusive on the live feed, 2085 01:37:55,971 --> 01:37:57,937 but we've got to go, right now! 2086 01:37:57,939 --> 01:38:01,374 Ron, this can be your comeback. 2087 01:38:01,376 --> 01:38:03,610 Veronica, I... No, Ron. No. 2088 01:38:04,645 --> 01:38:07,247 That will get sky-high ratings. 2089 01:38:07,249 --> 01:38:10,116 Walter will understand. Walter will understand. 2090 01:38:10,284 --> 01:38:11,351 Go. 2091 01:38:12,453 --> 01:38:14,120 Come on, Ron. Priorities! 2092 01:38:14,122 --> 01:38:15,683 Veronica! Come on! 2093 01:38:18,325 --> 01:38:21,327 Can you hear me? Yes, yes, you're coming in loud and clear. 2094 01:38:21,329 --> 01:38:22,929 You're back and you get this story. 2095 01:38:22,931 --> 01:38:24,964 This is gonna be huge. Right. 2096 01:38:24,966 --> 01:38:26,499 So, is it good to be back home? 2097 01:38:26,501 --> 01:38:28,468 Um, yeah, I feel good. 2098 01:38:28,470 --> 01:38:30,671 God, look at him. Like a beacon in the night! 2099 01:38:31,138 --> 01:38:32,572 My golden goose. 2100 01:38:32,574 --> 01:38:34,374 All right, baby. 2101 01:38:34,376 --> 01:38:35,808 - So I'm just gonna be giving you the details. Mmm-hmm. 2102 01:38:35,810 --> 01:38:37,210 Five, four, 2103 01:38:37,212 --> 01:38:40,079 three, two... 2104 01:38:40,081 --> 01:38:43,516 Good evening, America. After some time off, 2105 01:38:43,518 --> 01:38:47,186 it's good to be back with you. I'm Ron Burgundy. 2106 01:38:47,188 --> 01:38:50,490 We have a story tonight involving an affair, 2107 01:38:50,492 --> 01:38:54,994 a cut-off penis, a TV star and a car chase. 2108 01:38:54,996 --> 01:38:56,236 And throw it to the feed. 2109 01:38:58,332 --> 01:38:59,499 The only problem is... 2110 01:39:01,435 --> 01:39:03,195 What's he doing? Ron, are you okay? 2111 01:39:04,004 --> 01:39:05,371 It's not news. What? 2112 01:39:05,373 --> 01:39:06,371 Turn off the prompter. 2113 01:39:06,373 --> 01:39:09,342 Ron, this is Kench. What the hell do you think you're doing, mate? 2114 01:39:09,344 --> 01:39:10,945 Just read what's in front of you, 2115 01:39:10,946 --> 01:39:13,313 or I will ruin you! Don't! 2116 01:39:13,315 --> 01:39:15,275 Don't! You leave Kench inside your head! 2117 01:39:16,317 --> 01:39:19,252 God damn it! He took out his earpiece. 2118 01:39:19,254 --> 01:39:22,015 You see, folks, I've read a lot of news in my day, 2119 01:39:22,990 --> 01:39:26,259 but it's... It's taken me until now 2120 01:39:27,328 --> 01:39:30,330 to realize what real news is. 2121 01:39:30,332 --> 01:39:33,299 Real news is supposed to let people know 2122 01:39:33,301 --> 01:39:37,537 what the powerful are up to, so that, that power doesn't become corrupt. 2123 01:39:37,539 --> 01:39:39,539 But what happens when the powerful own the news? 2124 01:39:39,541 --> 01:39:42,141 Ugh! You piece of shit! 2125 01:39:42,143 --> 01:39:44,510 Shit. He's blowing the whole thing up. 2126 01:39:44,512 --> 01:39:47,513 Recently, I've been on a bit of a personal journey. 2127 01:39:47,515 --> 01:39:51,184 I made love to a proud, intelligent black woman. 2128 01:39:52,519 --> 01:39:55,054 I became blind. 2129 01:39:55,056 --> 01:39:57,657 I bottle-fed and raised a shark. 2130 01:39:57,659 --> 01:40:01,060 And I smoked a fair amount of crack. 2131 01:40:01,062 --> 01:40:03,223 But the most important thing I've learned is that 2132 01:40:03,263 --> 01:40:06,232 there was an emptiness left 2133 01:40:06,234 --> 01:40:09,274 after turning my back on three of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. 2134 01:40:09,603 --> 01:40:11,170 Hi, Ron! 2135 01:40:11,172 --> 01:40:13,206 So, if you'll excuse me, 2136 01:40:13,208 --> 01:40:15,575 I'm going to see my child's recital 2137 01:40:15,577 --> 01:40:19,078 and tell the woman I love that I still love her. 2138 01:40:20,547 --> 01:40:23,316 Good night, America, and never forget, 2139 01:40:24,318 --> 01:40:25,485 you deserve the truth. 2140 01:40:30,024 --> 01:40:32,125 Good. He's dead, done. Linda, 2141 01:40:32,127 --> 01:40:33,559 get the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone! 2142 01:40:33,561 --> 01:40:35,361 He's coming back! 2143 01:40:35,363 --> 01:40:37,430 Oh, also, one other thing. 2144 01:40:37,432 --> 01:40:40,533 Koala Airlines is a really shitty airline. 2145 01:40:40,535 --> 01:40:43,202 You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! 2146 01:40:47,641 --> 01:40:49,575 Guys, I'm sorry. 2147 01:40:49,577 --> 01:40:52,812 For a while there, I don't know what became of Ron Burgundy. 2148 01:40:52,814 --> 01:40:55,294 Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you. 2149 01:40:56,050 --> 01:40:57,550 Brian, I... 2150 01:40:57,552 --> 01:40:59,719 No reason why I killed that story of yours. 2151 01:40:59,721 --> 01:41:01,721 It was excellent reporting. 2152 01:41:01,723 --> 01:41:05,158 And, Champ, I'm sorry I said no to all those 2153 01:41:05,160 --> 01:41:08,494 offers for late-night deep-tissue rubdowns. 2154 01:41:10,397 --> 01:41:12,532 Ron, you're a good man. 2155 01:41:12,534 --> 01:41:15,735 But you have fallen victim to your own ego and your own hubris. 2156 01:41:15,737 --> 01:41:17,804 And before others can forgive you, 2157 01:41:17,806 --> 01:41:19,647 you must learn to forgive yourself. 2158 01:41:22,643 --> 01:41:24,444 What was that, Brick? 2159 01:41:24,446 --> 01:41:26,206 I'm wearing two pairs of pants. 2160 01:41:27,381 --> 01:41:28,648 Thank you. 2161 01:41:28,650 --> 01:41:30,516 So that's it, huh? 2162 01:41:30,518 --> 01:41:32,819 You're sorry? 2163 01:41:32,821 --> 01:41:35,822 You know what, Burgundy? Apologies are like assholes. 2164 01:41:35,824 --> 01:41:37,723 Everyone's got one 2165 01:41:37,725 --> 01:41:40,525 and everyone's got a shoebox full of Polaroids of them under the bed. 2166 01:41:41,295 --> 01:41:42,829 Ron, we're a team. 2167 01:41:42,831 --> 01:41:44,330 We need you. 2168 01:41:44,332 --> 01:41:45,631 Let him go, Champ. 2169 01:41:51,138 --> 01:41:52,238 Ron! 2170 01:41:53,207 --> 01:41:55,808 Long live Ron Burgundy! 2171 01:42:04,651 --> 01:42:07,120 I'm Brick Tamland for GNN News. 2172 01:42:08,355 --> 01:42:11,791 The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout. 2173 01:42:11,793 --> 01:42:14,360 You little hack! 2174 01:42:14,362 --> 01:42:15,728 Huh? Who the hell do you think you are? 2175 01:42:15,730 --> 01:42:17,430 After everything I've done for you, 2176 01:42:17,432 --> 01:42:19,365 this is how you repay me? Well, I will crush you! 2177 01:42:22,302 --> 01:42:24,203 Once again, Mr. Burgundy, 2178 01:42:24,205 --> 01:42:26,472 you are the ballsiest white man I've ever known. 2179 01:42:26,474 --> 01:42:27,840 What the hell? 2180 01:42:29,143 --> 01:42:30,810 One more for old times' sake. 2181 01:42:37,284 --> 01:42:38,484 Thank you. 2182 01:42:38,486 --> 01:42:40,720 Is Dad going to come? 2183 01:42:40,722 --> 01:42:42,655 No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work. 2184 01:42:42,657 --> 01:42:44,790 He's going to come. I know it. 2185 01:42:44,792 --> 01:42:45,913 Taxi! 2186 01:42:46,793 --> 01:42:48,861 Taxi! Taxi! 2187 01:42:48,863 --> 01:42:50,630 Damn it! 2188 01:42:50,632 --> 01:42:52,298 It's so hard for a proud Mexican 2189 01:42:52,300 --> 01:42:54,060 to get a taxi in this city! 2190 01:42:54,468 --> 01:42:56,702 I need to see my son! 2191 01:42:56,704 --> 01:43:00,740 And now, to play an original composition that he wrote for his father, 2192 01:43:00,742 --> 01:43:03,776 here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy. 2193 01:43:12,553 --> 01:43:14,553 I made a promise! I made a promise to my son! 2194 01:43:18,358 --> 01:43:19,318 What the hell? 2195 01:43:19,826 --> 01:43:21,360 Well, hello, Ron. 2196 01:43:21,895 --> 01:43:23,362 You out for a jog? 2197 01:43:23,364 --> 01:43:24,530 Jack Lime! 2198 01:43:25,899 --> 01:43:27,600 Where's everyone going? 2199 01:43:27,602 --> 01:43:29,435 Please. I don't have time to talk, okay? 2200 01:43:29,437 --> 01:43:30,870 I have to be somewhere. 2201 01:43:30,872 --> 01:43:33,073 Well, that's funny. 'Cause I got nowhere to be 2202 01:43:33,507 --> 01:43:35,867 because you pretty much destroyed my career. 2203 01:43:36,310 --> 01:43:37,810 Do you realize what it did to me, 2204 01:43:37,812 --> 01:43:39,732 by making me call myself Jack Lame? 2205 01:43:40,681 --> 01:43:42,415 It was a living hell! 2206 01:43:45,552 --> 01:43:48,654 I'm telling you, you have to let me go! 2207 01:43:48,656 --> 01:43:50,223 Oh, don't worry. Four against one. 2208 01:43:50,924 --> 01:43:52,258 This will be over fast. 2209 01:43:53,327 --> 01:43:54,727 Maybe not so fast! 2210 01:43:58,565 --> 01:44:00,499 My news team. Thank God! 2211 01:44:02,669 --> 01:44:04,737 Ain't a day that will be or has been 2212 01:44:04,739 --> 01:44:07,607 that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back. 2213 01:44:07,609 --> 01:44:09,442 Not a problem. When I'm done with these mutts, 2214 01:44:09,444 --> 01:44:10,844 I'm gonna wipe my shoes on the curb. 2215 01:44:10,845 --> 01:44:12,378 Oh, yeah, Jack Lime? 2216 01:44:12,846 --> 01:44:14,847 When I'm done with you, 2217 01:44:14,849 --> 01:44:17,650 my mom's going to pick me up and take me home. 2218 01:44:17,652 --> 01:44:18,733 Wait! 2219 01:44:22,456 --> 01:44:24,323 Here's a headline for you. 2220 01:44:24,325 --> 01:44:26,993 "Moronic Yank Wankerman 2221 01:44:26,995 --> 01:44:30,529 "Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From News Reader 2222 01:44:30,531 --> 01:44:32,898 "From a Superior Country." 2223 01:44:32,900 --> 01:44:36,502 For we are the BBC News Service. 2224 01:44:38,372 --> 01:44:39,972 No. Not now. 2225 01:44:39,974 --> 01:44:41,707 Fall back, fall back. 2226 01:44:45,479 --> 01:44:46,846 If y'all are gonna get down, 2227 01:44:46,848 --> 01:44:49,482 then Wesley Jackson and the MTV News crew want in. 2228 01:44:49,484 --> 01:44:50,816 What's MTV? 2229 01:44:51,852 --> 01:44:53,686 I think it's a venereal disease. 2230 01:44:53,688 --> 01:44:55,721 The most requested video of the day? 2231 01:44:55,723 --> 01:44:58,557 A new band called Burgundy's Sucking Chest Wound. 2232 01:45:04,965 --> 01:45:06,899 It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Janson. 2233 01:45:06,901 --> 01:45:09,468 And Wendy Van Peele from Entertainment News. 2234 01:45:09,470 --> 01:45:11,971 Entertainment news is an abomination! 2235 01:45:11,973 --> 01:45:14,740 Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood! 2236 01:45:14,742 --> 01:45:16,509 Today's celebrity birthdays... None. 2237 01:45:16,511 --> 01:45:17,743 Today's celebrity deaths... 2238 01:45:17,745 --> 01:45:19,011 All you dick-licks. 2239 01:45:21,782 --> 01:45:23,416 I like the way they're put together. 2240 01:45:23,418 --> 01:45:25,017 I like fighting girls. 2241 01:45:25,019 --> 01:45:26,852 I like to cunt punt cowboys. 2242 01:45:26,854 --> 01:45:28,621 You eat pussy? You're gonna. 2243 01:45:28,623 --> 01:45:31,090 Hey! 2244 01:45:31,092 --> 01:45:34,593 There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles 2245 01:45:34,595 --> 01:45:36,796 and the incredibly polite Canadian News team. 2246 01:45:38,700 --> 01:45:41,067 What about the French-speaking Quebec News? 2247 01:45:41,069 --> 01:45:42,735 The real voice of Canada! 2248 01:45:42,737 --> 01:45:43,969 Give it a rest, eh? 2249 01:45:43,971 --> 01:45:46,605 Give me a break! They can't have news. 2250 01:45:46,607 --> 01:45:48,074 Nothing happens in Canada! 2251 01:45:48,076 --> 01:45:49,975 We're gonna mop the floor with you! 2252 01:45:49,977 --> 01:45:52,511 We're gonna put the boots to you! Sorry. Sorry. 2253 01:45:52,513 --> 01:45:55,481 We're gonna gouge your eyes out! And kick your head in! 2254 01:45:55,483 --> 01:45:56,916 Sorry! 2255 01:45:56,918 --> 01:45:58,417 I like your ginger ale! 2256 01:46:02,689 --> 01:46:05,091 Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports. 2257 01:46:05,093 --> 01:46:07,693 Tonight's play of the day is me, 2258 01:46:07,695 --> 01:46:09,762 extracting your spine from your dead body. 2259 01:46:09,764 --> 01:46:11,897 Holy shit, there's a lot of news! 2260 01:46:11,899 --> 01:46:14,667 It's true, the market is becoming saturated. 2261 01:46:14,669 --> 01:46:17,937 Hey. The History Network wants in on this. We're news, too. 2262 01:46:17,939 --> 01:46:20,773 Only news told much, much later. 2263 01:46:22,677 --> 01:46:25,745 Wait a minute. Is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you? 2264 01:46:25,747 --> 01:46:28,047 Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur. 2265 01:46:29,650 --> 01:46:31,016 I don't know about this, man. 2266 01:46:31,018 --> 01:46:33,018 The Minotaur isn't even history! 2267 01:46:33,020 --> 01:46:35,755 He's mythology! 2268 01:46:35,757 --> 01:46:37,757 Let's not downplay the fact 2269 01:46:37,759 --> 01:46:40,726 that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson! 2270 01:46:40,728 --> 01:46:45,030 May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle. 2271 01:46:45,032 --> 01:46:48,167 You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse? 2272 01:46:48,169 --> 01:46:50,102 Mack Tannen! What are you doing here? 2273 01:46:50,104 --> 01:46:51,704 You're too old for this. 2274 01:46:51,706 --> 01:46:54,006 Well, you see, there's the thing. 2275 01:46:54,008 --> 01:46:57,076 When there's an early moon, 2276 01:46:57,078 --> 01:47:00,413 I almost feel like a stallion again! 2277 01:47:00,415 --> 01:47:01,615 He's on our side, right, Ron? 2278 01:47:09,823 --> 01:47:10,990 He's a were-hyena! 2279 01:47:13,026 --> 01:47:15,161 I'm-a call Michael Jackson. I got a video idea. 2280 01:47:15,163 --> 01:47:16,996 All right, everyone, listen up! 2281 01:47:20,934 --> 01:47:24,103 By virtue of being on this battlefield, 2282 01:47:24,105 --> 01:47:25,704 there is no return. 2283 01:47:27,073 --> 01:47:28,507 People will die. 2284 01:47:29,042 --> 01:47:30,543 I'm so horny right now. 2285 01:47:30,545 --> 01:47:32,678 Some will be disfigured. 2286 01:47:32,680 --> 01:47:36,549 In some cases, lasting friendships will be made. 2287 01:47:37,484 --> 01:47:39,118 And as usual, 2288 01:47:39,120 --> 01:47:42,188 no touching of the hair and face. 2289 01:47:42,190 --> 01:47:44,190 Come on. What do we look like, rookies? 2290 01:47:44,192 --> 01:47:45,658 Sorry. 2291 01:47:45,660 --> 01:47:47,860 When El Trousias, 2292 01:47:47,862 --> 01:47:51,197 maiden of the clouds, blows the battle horn, 2293 01:47:51,199 --> 01:47:53,599 let the battle begin! 2294 01:47:53,601 --> 01:47:55,734 I am El Trousias! 2295 01:47:57,804 --> 01:47:59,805 Hear my siren song! 2296 01:48:04,479 --> 01:48:06,320 El Trousias... The Juicies'. Hmm. 2297 01:48:11,551 --> 01:48:12,685 That means you can start. 2298 01:48:14,488 --> 01:48:16,121 Brick, what the hell is that? 2299 01:48:17,257 --> 01:48:18,924 It's a gun from the future. 2300 01:48:18,926 --> 01:48:21,060 No fair! He's got a gun from the future! 2301 01:48:21,062 --> 01:48:24,263 Where did you get it from? 2302 01:48:38,144 --> 01:48:41,580 In the name of the King, the Queen and St. George. 2303 01:48:44,684 --> 01:48:45,918 Huzzah! 2304 01:49:18,652 --> 01:49:20,052 Guess you didn't see that coming. 2305 01:49:20,054 --> 01:49:21,554 Twenty degrees right. 2306 01:49:22,556 --> 01:49:24,089 Fill that gap! 2307 01:49:24,091 --> 01:49:28,327 Fall upon your swords! Life has no meaning! 2308 01:49:30,864 --> 01:49:34,065 There will be a mint julep waiting on the other side, son. 2309 01:49:35,802 --> 01:49:37,336 Release your soul to me. 2310 01:49:55,989 --> 01:49:57,222 Sorry! 2311 01:49:58,124 --> 01:49:59,965 Sorry! Sorry! 2312 01:50:00,594 --> 01:50:02,514 Sex Panther powers activate. 2313 01:50:25,652 --> 01:50:27,753 It's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson! 2314 01:50:27,755 --> 01:50:29,922 Everyone, it's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson! 2315 01:50:30,724 --> 01:50:33,158 Why do we have to fight? 2316 01:50:33,160 --> 01:50:35,080 There's so much I could learn from you. 2317 01:50:43,103 --> 01:50:45,671 In the name of Margaret Thatcher... 2318 01:50:45,673 --> 01:50:47,339 No! I sentence you to death! 2319 01:50:47,341 --> 01:50:48,874 Please, no! 2320 01:50:49,776 --> 01:50:50,743 Oh! 2321 01:50:52,912 --> 01:50:54,313 What in the name of Dan Issel? 2322 01:50:56,850 --> 01:50:58,050 Gary! 2323 01:50:58,052 --> 01:50:59,218 Yes, Ron. 2324 01:51:00,920 --> 01:51:03,122 You and I never got along. 2325 01:51:03,124 --> 01:51:04,823 But using the power of my mind, 2326 01:51:04,825 --> 01:51:06,058 I was able to see in the future 2327 01:51:06,060 --> 01:51:07,826 that you would do good. 2328 01:51:09,295 --> 01:51:10,829 - Now, go. - I knew it! 2329 01:51:10,831 --> 01:51:12,331 Go to your son's recital. 2330 01:51:12,333 --> 01:51:14,299 I knew you had mind powers! 2331 01:51:14,301 --> 01:51:16,735 And make it the greatest day of your life! 2332 01:51:16,737 --> 01:51:18,904 Almighty, Almighty, light the fuse on my call. 2333 01:51:18,906 --> 01:51:20,873 Thirty-niner-niner-14, cook these fools. 2334 01:51:20,875 --> 01:51:23,036 I repeat, cook these fools. 2335 01:51:33,787 --> 01:51:35,721 We've got to get out of here. There's too much news! 2336 01:51:35,723 --> 01:51:37,389 Man, what a rush! 2337 01:51:37,391 --> 01:51:39,191 The monster's my friend! 2338 01:51:39,193 --> 01:51:41,394 Ron, we can still make your kid's recital! 2339 01:51:42,362 --> 01:51:44,963 Hey, Ronny. 2340 01:51:44,965 --> 01:51:47,766 Jack Lime, please, I just want to get to my son's recital. 2341 01:51:47,768 --> 01:51:49,368 No! That is out of the question! 2342 01:51:49,370 --> 01:51:50,803 We're outnumbered, Ron. 2343 01:51:50,805 --> 01:51:52,245 Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot! 2344 01:52:08,189 --> 01:52:10,889 And then four guys on bikes showed up. 2345 01:52:10,891 --> 01:52:14,059 Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine news team! 2346 01:52:14,061 --> 01:52:15,627 Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here? 2347 01:52:15,629 --> 01:52:16,962 This is a national news fight. 2348 01:52:16,964 --> 01:52:18,430 You made one mistake today. 2349 01:52:19,399 --> 01:52:21,279 You messed with somebody from San Diego. 2350 01:52:21,935 --> 01:52:25,304 It's actually pronounced San Diago. 2351 01:52:25,306 --> 01:52:27,306 Hell, Ron and I may not agree on everything, 2352 01:52:28,475 --> 01:52:30,175 but we share the bond of being 2353 01:52:30,177 --> 01:52:32,217 from the greatest city in the history of this Earth. 2354 01:52:33,347 --> 01:52:35,481 Well, ain't that cute? 2355 01:52:35,483 --> 01:52:37,916 But you're outnumbered three-to-one. 2356 01:52:37,918 --> 01:52:39,251 Why don't you go back to your mama? 2357 01:52:39,253 --> 01:52:40,919 Don't you use my mom's name in vain. 2358 01:52:42,222 --> 01:52:44,523 Dorothy Mantooth was a hard-working single woman 2359 01:52:44,525 --> 01:52:46,759 who raised seven children on her own 2360 01:52:46,761 --> 01:52:49,161 and she remained sexually active till the day she died. 2361 01:52:49,163 --> 01:52:51,243 She brought pole dancing into the mainstream. 2362 01:52:52,232 --> 01:52:55,134 Now here's the thing. While I've been talking, 2363 01:52:55,136 --> 01:52:58,036 my news team has emptied their gas tanks at your feet. 2364 01:53:01,508 --> 01:53:04,343 I drop this smoke and every one of you goes "poof." 2365 01:53:04,345 --> 01:53:06,512 Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman. 2366 01:53:06,514 --> 01:53:08,013 You drop that smoke, you die, too. 2367 01:53:12,085 --> 01:53:13,845 With the things I've done in my life, 2368 01:53:14,854 --> 01:53:16,614 oh, I know I'm going to burn in hell. 2369 01:53:18,091 --> 01:53:20,171 So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on Earth. 2370 01:53:20,560 --> 01:53:22,895 Oh, my goodness! 2371 01:53:22,897 --> 01:53:24,738 That's the most badass thing I have ever heard. 2372 01:53:25,231 --> 01:53:26,365 All right! 2373 01:53:28,134 --> 01:53:29,255 Looks like this fight's over. 2374 01:53:31,070 --> 01:53:32,151 Let's go, boys. 2375 01:53:33,540 --> 01:53:36,375 Yay! We won! Let's celebrate! 2376 01:53:36,377 --> 01:53:38,277 Sparklers! 2377 01:53:38,279 --> 01:53:40,345 - No, no, no, no, Brick! - No! 2378 01:54:04,504 --> 01:54:06,624 Bravo! Bravo. Yeah. Whoo! 2379 01:54:08,942 --> 01:54:10,509 Dad! 2380 01:54:10,511 --> 01:54:12,411 Son, I fought a Minotaur to be here. 2381 01:54:13,279 --> 01:54:14,980 And I'd do it again. 2382 01:54:14,982 --> 01:54:19,251 Dad! Together we can defeat voodoo! 2383 01:54:19,253 --> 01:54:21,854 Ron had finally learned how to love his son 2384 01:54:21,856 --> 01:54:24,022 and his wife more than his career. 2385 01:54:25,458 --> 01:54:28,627 And as it turned out, his walking off the news 2386 01:54:28,629 --> 01:54:31,363 was the highest-rated TV event of the year. 2387 01:54:32,599 --> 01:54:35,200 He and his news team, along with Veronica, 2388 01:54:35,202 --> 01:54:38,637 could have any job they wanted. 2389 01:54:38,639 --> 01:54:41,907 But before that, they had one little thing to take care of. 2390 01:54:44,978 --> 01:54:49,248 And now, before I join this couple in holy matrimony, 2391 01:54:49,250 --> 01:54:51,516 Brick and Chani ask us to join them 2392 01:54:51,518 --> 01:54:53,185 as they exchange their vows. 2393 01:54:54,354 --> 01:54:56,054 My dearest Brick. 2394 01:54:56,056 --> 01:54:57,656 Everything I have is yours. 2395 01:54:58,658 --> 01:55:00,993 My four lawnmowers. My sister. 2396 01:55:02,462 --> 01:55:06,465 My 35 ferrets. My massive student loan and real estate debt. 2397 01:55:06,467 --> 01:55:07,466 It's all yours. 2398 01:55:09,502 --> 01:55:11,470 Oh, Chani. 2399 01:55:11,472 --> 01:55:14,973 I will never forget the exact moment I saw you. 2400 01:55:14,975 --> 01:55:18,977 My pee-pee got all uncomfortable in my pants, and I thought, 2401 01:55:18,979 --> 01:55:22,339 "Here comes the warm milkshake out of the tip of my belly stick." 2402 01:55:25,184 --> 01:55:27,519 Wait! Look! 2403 01:55:27,521 --> 01:55:29,421 Walter, Walter, honey, shh! 2404 01:55:29,423 --> 01:55:31,189 Look in the water! 2405 01:55:31,691 --> 01:55:34,092 It's Doby! 2406 01:55:34,094 --> 01:55:35,360 Oh, my God. 2407 01:55:35,362 --> 01:55:38,597 It's Doby! Doby! 2408 01:55:38,599 --> 01:55:40,432 Ron, what are you doing? He's not your friend! 2409 01:55:40,700 --> 01:55:42,067 Doby! 2410 01:55:42,702 --> 01:55:44,636 Ron! That's a shark! 2411 01:55:45,371 --> 01:55:47,205 He will eat you! 2412 01:55:54,048 --> 01:55:55,314 Doby! 2413 01:56:01,120 --> 01:56:02,621 Oh, my God! 2414 01:56:02,623 --> 01:56:03,989 The shark actually recognizes him! 2415 01:56:06,560 --> 01:56:08,520 Nope. He's viciously attacking him. 2416 01:56:09,128 --> 01:56:12,464 Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron! 2417 01:56:12,466 --> 01:56:14,700 If a man dies with love in his heart, 2418 01:56:14,702 --> 01:56:16,668 does he truly die? 2419 01:56:16,670 --> 01:56:18,437 Absolutely! 2420 01:56:18,439 --> 01:56:21,139 But on this day, Ron Burgundy's grapple 2421 01:56:21,141 --> 01:56:23,241 with this denizen from the deep 2422 01:56:23,243 --> 01:56:26,511 was halted by 28 pounds of furry providence. 2423 01:56:31,451 --> 01:56:32,417 I bottle-fed you! 2424 01:56:35,588 --> 01:56:36,788 Baxter! 2425 01:56:43,763 --> 01:56:45,030 Baxter! 2426 01:56:45,765 --> 01:56:49,468 Baxter! Ah, yes! 2427 01:56:52,472 --> 01:56:56,441 I know, I know, I love you, too. 2428 01:56:58,612 --> 01:57:00,178 Oh. Come on. 2429 02:02:28,574 --> 02:02:29,741 All right, let's do it. 2430 02:02:31,944 --> 02:02:33,611 You guys think... 2431 02:02:33,613 --> 02:02:35,680 I don't know how to use a computer. 2432 02:02:35,682 --> 02:02:38,350 Hey, fellas. I just saw Jack Lime out there. 2433 02:02:38,352 --> 02:02:40,352 He's a goddamn iceman. 2434 02:02:40,953 --> 02:02:42,587 Scared the crap out of me.