1 00:00:00,801 --> 00:00:04,411 [keyboard keys clicking] 2 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:05,408 Damn it. 3 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:06,669 This computer sucks. 4 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:08,707 Clear your browser history. I'm back. 5 00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:10,542 I can't even get online. 6 00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:13,178 Why would it say, "full bars," but then I don't-- 7 00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,424 What's that? 8 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,391 It is a belated birthday present from Gina. 9 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,090 It's a journal with a lock on it 10 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,422 so I can write down my innermost, private thoughts. 11 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:27,697 Oh, sounds interesting. 12 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,598 Hey, what's the password to your computer, Anne Frank? 13 00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,631 I'll do it. 14 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,136 Okay. 15 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,538 [keyboard keys clicking] 16 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,410 Here you go. 17 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,545 Thanks. 18 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,680 Why didn't you just tell me the password? 19 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,246 'Cause you can't be trusted. 20 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,524 Are you kidding me? 21 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,092 I'm the most honest guy I know. 22 00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:55,122 Hello? 23 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:56,756 [laughs] 24 00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:58,330 What are you writing in there? 25 00:00:58,359 --> 00:00:59,729 None of your business. 26 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:00,790 Let me see what you're writing in there. 27 00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:01,798 It's none of your business! 28 00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:04,329 - Good night. - Hey. 29 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,595 Seriously, let me see what you're writing in there, Karen. 30 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,508 Karen, I'm just gonna ask you one more time. 31 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,114 Can't talk, sleeping. 32 00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,206 [snoring sounds] 33 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,378 I don't care. 34 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:27,688 [Zeus' You Gotta Teller] 35 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,821 [upbeat rock music] 36 00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:32,428 * 37 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,230 (man) * You gotta tell her 38 00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,502 * 39 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:36,729 * She's got to know 40 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,504 Yeah! 41 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:39,672 (man) * You gotta tell her 42 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,340 * 43 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,739 * She's got to know 44 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,211 [skates scraping] 45 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,708 Seriously, I'm gonna smack you. 46 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,705 (Anthony) What's up, boys? 47 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,217 Check this puppy out. 48 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,420 What the hell is that? 49 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,891 It's new yard signs to advertise the contracting business. 50 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,290 Look at my beautiful face all season now. 51 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,464 Uh, where's your number? 52 00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:07,863 Oh, shit! The [bleep] number. 53 00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,395 You're a moron, man. 54 00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:10,700 Damn it. 55 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:15,337 Yo, I'm going to pay Vito tomorrow. You want to come with me? 56 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:16,499 We'll go to Gibby's clam house after? 57 00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:17,367 I can't, man. 58 00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:18,265 What's up? Shit's going down at work? 59 00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,406 Nah, it's not work. It's just Karen, dude. 60 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:21,411 Something's up. 61 00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:22,742 What happened with Karen? 62 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:23,906 I asked for her computer password last night. 63 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,454 She wouldn't give it to me. 64 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,809 And then she started writing secret stuff 65 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:28,447 in this new journal. 66 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,782 What kind of secrets? What do you mean? 67 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,347 I don't know. I didn't read it. 68 00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:32,845 You didn't read it? Why the hell not? 69 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,216 'Cause that'd be a huge breach of trust, bro. 70 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,455 Yeah, it's a breach of trust. 71 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,860 And there was a lock on it. 72 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,591 A lock? Are you serious, dude? 73 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,927 Well, shit. You have to read it now. 74 00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,601 I mean, you could just go to a locksmith. 75 00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,470 Look, maybe it's nothing. 76 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,698 But I'd rather be safe than sorry, no? 77 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,704 Listen, I'm not gonna read the diary. 78 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,707 I'm a bigger man than that. 79 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,339 Okay, but you know that "bigger man" 80 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,784 just usually means "pussy"? 81 00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,438 - No, it doesn't. - It absolutely does. 82 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,277 Sorry, Paul, "bigger man" is the new "pussy." 83 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,675 Hi, I was wondering if you could kind of help me out 84 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,987 with something here. 85 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,888 I seem to have misplaced the key for this. 86 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,690 It's a family heirloom. 87 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,892 Mm-hmm. 88 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,864 It's my grandma's from before the war, so... 89 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,964 Yeah, what war? 90 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,896 The, uh, battle of the sexes? 91 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:21,572 Lot of bloodshed in that war. 92 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,302 Listen, you sure you want to do this, man? 93 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:26,237 I mean, uh, it's a pretty major breach of trust. 94 00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:27,714 So I've been told. 95 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,841 But clearly, she doesn't trust me anyway, so... 96 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,307 Can't say I blame her. 97 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,445 Would you trust you? 98 00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:35,321 Look, I'm okay with a few secrets here or there. 99 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,249 Just don't flaunt it. 100 00:03:37,285 --> 00:03:39,245 She sits next to me chuckling when she writes in this thing. 101 00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:40,717 Well, maybe she's a closet satirist, 102 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:43,624 or maybe there's a Gone Girl situation. 103 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:44,887 Can you just open the damn thing? 104 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,385 Is that okay? 105 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,397 - Absolutely. - Good, thank you. 106 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:48,828 That'll be $50. 107 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,362 Wow, that's a little steep, no? 108 00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:51,998 Well, only you can determine the value 109 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,972 of your own insecurity. 110 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,641 Fine. 111 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:56,639 Here you go. 112 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,270 Cash. 113 00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,666 It says you take credit cards right on the door. 114 00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,277 Not from you. 115 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,649 Okay. 116 00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,658 That's it? A bobby pin? 117 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,390 Yeah. You can keep it. 118 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,896 "Kathy is hilarious when she drinks tequila. 119 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,906 "Drinking really does improve some people's personalities. 120 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,609 "Sex with Paul is good, but... 121 00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:37,042 "I wish he'd experiment a little. 122 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:39,947 "Things have gotten monotonous over the years. 123 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,050 "I mean, would it be asking too much for him 124 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,522 "to put his finger in my"-- 125 00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,356 It's my grandma. 126 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,388 It's from the war. 127 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,462 I want what I want! 128 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,925 I'm telling you, Gibby's is the best clam house 129 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,503 in the city. 130 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:58,901 I mean, Dino, wouldn't you say that? 131 00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,372 Shut the [bleep] up. 132 00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:02,541 [laughs] Dino, you are the freaking best. 133 00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:03,970 This guy's hilarious. 134 00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,914 I don't like you. 135 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,380 He likes me. 136 00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,979 (Vito) Not an ostrich, an emu. 137 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,450 Yes, there is a goddamn difference. 138 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,810 How much? 139 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,947 All right, I'll take the ostrich. 140 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,124 Gentlemen. 141 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,891 Hey, how you doing, Vito? 142 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,060 This is my friend Sebalos. He's on The Chubbys too. 143 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,459 Nice to meet you. 144 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,900 You look like a sneaky little fella. 145 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,628 I bet you score a lot of goals. 146 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,473 Yeah, I guess. 147 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:32,729 You look tense, kid. 148 00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:33,826 Relax. 149 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,437 You should feel at home here. 150 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:36,769 You want to fold some sheets? 151 00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:39,474 No, I'm good. 152 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,577 Well, I got the money for you, Vito, so... 153 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:42,839 Throw it in the ice box. 154 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,576 This right--right there? All right. 155 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:46,512 Need you guys to do me a favor. 156 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,747 Bring these linens over to my rub and tug joint. 157 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:51,052 The Kerry Orient Foot Massage Palace. 158 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,594 Just over on Canal. 159 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:54,020 I'll throw in a massage on the house. 160 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,464 All you got to do is tip the girls. 161 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:56,459 Yeah. 162 00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:58,090 You're gonna love it. 163 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:01,055 But your buddy here looks like he really needs a release. 164 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:05,174 You know, it's kind of like meditation and yoga. 165 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,938 Only it's a hand job. 166 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,569 Enjoy. 167 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:13,114 Thanks, Vito. 168 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,510 Goddamn ostrich. 169 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,482 [upbeat rock music] 170 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,675 * 171 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:24,847 (Anthony) Hey, how you doing? 172 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,515 Vito sent us over. 173 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,464 Oh, yeah, he called ahead. 174 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:31,559 No house fee for you guys. 175 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,062 But you got to tip the girls. 176 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,663 - Yeah, got it. - Yeah. 177 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,695 So you leave the sheets over there. 178 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,070 Take a seat. 179 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,468 I'll be right back. 180 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,816 Tell you what, if they're all missing an eye, 181 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,448 I'm leaving. 182 00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,954 I'm not getting whacked off by a pirate. 183 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:02,791 This is weird, man. 184 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,701 (Randy) Whoa. 185 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,003 That is no pirate. 186 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,640 Milady. 187 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,683 Thank you. 188 00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:23,039 Thank you. 189 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,206 (Anthony) Have fun, man. 190 00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:26,084 Hey, uh, I'm Anthony. 191 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,883 Hello, Officer. 192 00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,775 Officer? 193 00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,747 I'm here for the massage. Vito sent me. 194 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,985 I don't care if Jesus sent you. 195 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,591 The last time a fine-ass white boy like you came in, 196 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,134 he turned out to be po-po. 197 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:39,958 And I ain't going back inside. 198 00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:42,863 Don't nobody jack off this fine-ass cop. 199 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,056 Are you serious? Come on! 200 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,767 Please? 201 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,049 Oh, God, yeah. 202 00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:00,678 You know, for a white kid, failing is getting an F. 203 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,554 For a Chinese kid, getting a B-plus 204 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,253 is like a suicide note. 205 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,554 I thought you were Japanese. 206 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:06,716 Oh, God, no. 207 00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,094 And Chinese people are way smarter. 208 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,191 - Really? - Yeah. 209 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:11,062 Why is that? 210 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,561 'Cause we weren't dumb enough to piss off America 211 00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,963 to drop a bomb on us. 212 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,734 I haven't been keeping up with the news. 213 00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:18,273 Did we drop a bomb on Japan? 214 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:20,228 Oh, no, in 1945. 215 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,837 I know. I'm just kidding. 216 00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:25,140 [both laugh] 217 00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,842 Kind of. You're really smart. 218 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:28,935 Thanks. 219 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,536 Hey, you from around here? 220 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,548 Yeah, I just moved back in with my parents. 221 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:33,710 Oh. 222 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,877 I was living in Philly with my sister, 223 00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,886 but all we did was get high. 224 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:38,888 Nice. 225 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,149 Yeah. 226 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,287 But there comes a time when you have 227 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,591 to be responsible, you know? 228 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,223 I guess. 229 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,827 So I moved back home to go on the straight and narrow. 230 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:46,959 This is the straight and narrow? 231 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:49,064 Well, most of the time. 232 00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:52,266 Some of the guys' dicks are really fat and crooked. 233 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,939 You want to flip over and I'll give you a release? 234 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:58,608 I'm, um--I think I'm good. 235 00:08:58,639 --> 00:08:59,839 Maybe next time? 236 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,273 Really? 237 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,878 Wow, no one's ever said no to that part before. 238 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,781 Is everything okay? 239 00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:08,723 Did you, like, sprain your penis or something? 240 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:11,849 Actually, Angie, this is the best I've felt in a long time. 241 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,745 Good. 242 00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,257 (Anthony) Hey, thanks for doing this. 243 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,058 Other girls were being real bitches. 244 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,360 No biggie. 245 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,331 I jerk off cops all the time. 246 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,900 Yeah? 247 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,199 Got to be a tense job 'cause you guys 248 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,730 shoot up like a cannon. 249 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,236 That's how I got this eye patch. 250 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:31,338 By the way, you know the second I grabbed your dick, 251 00:09:31,371 --> 00:09:33,011 it was entrapment, right? 252 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,040 Listen, just--just entrap my left nut, okay? 253 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,946 Twist it counterclockwise. 254 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,848 No, no, counter! Counterclockwise. 255 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,880 Yeah, that's it. 256 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,815 [groans] 257 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:46,821 [funky music] 258 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:48,324 * 259 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,385 Hello! 260 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,892 What's up? 261 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,134 Uh, that was a new move. What was that? 262 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,760 Oh, I was actually aiming somewhere else with-- 263 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:58,326 My finger must have slipped. 264 00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:01,265 I'm sorry, should I stop? I'll stop. 265 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,971 I didn't tell you to stop. 266 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,680 [groaning] 267 00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:12,250 I was surprised to see you back here so soon. 268 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,949 Oh, yeah, I was around the area. 269 00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,321 I thought I'd pop in, see if you were around, 270 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,848 say hi. 271 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,294 You're lucky you found me. 272 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,788 I'm only here part-time. 273 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:20,990 Oh, yeah? 274 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,821 Just Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. 275 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,856 And Thursday and Friday. 276 00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,092 Plus some weekends. 277 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,256 I'm glad I caught you. 278 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,664 Me too. 279 00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:30,926 So tell me more about the app thing. 280 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,774 Oh, I call it Tender. 281 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,740 It's like Tinder, but no one's feelings get hurt. 282 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,738 That sounds so cool. 283 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,270 You should start selling it. 284 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,735 I know; I just need a programmer to build it. 285 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,114 I don't know shit about computers. 286 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,712 Even though, you know, I am Asian 287 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,154 and work with computers. 288 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,108 What does being Asian have to do with anything? 289 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,777 Oh, my God, exactly. 290 00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:51,417 You're so open-minded and pure. 291 00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,291 That's a compliment, right? 292 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,290 Yeah. 293 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,461 Oh, thank you. 294 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,029 Hey, Angie? 295 00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,958 I was wondering. 296 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,063 Would you want to go have lunch with me tomorrow? 297 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,395 [whispering] That's kind of against the rules. 298 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:05,401 Oh, God, I'm sorry. 299 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,072 But I'd love to. 300 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,170 And my real name is Gretchen. 301 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:11,442 Wow, really? 302 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:12,841 Gretchen. 303 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,113 Why are you whispering? 304 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,241 Oh, 'cause you were whispering. 305 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:20,206 [normal voice] No, I wasn't. You're so crazy. 306 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,417 So you want to flip over and I'll finish you off? 307 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,479 Oh, actually-- actually, um, 308 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,317 I was thinking that you could take off your clothes 309 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:28,994 and I could give you a massage. 310 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:32,192 Oh, really? That's interesting. 311 00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:33,825 Is that against the rules? 312 00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:35,061 No, it just costs extra 313 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,925 for me to take off my clothes. 314 00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,274 Oh, okay, how much-- 315 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,228 Oh, okay, whatever it is. 316 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,843 (Paul) So I did what you guys said. 317 00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,143 What, you started powdering your balls? 318 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,284 It's a total game-changer, right? 319 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,838 I use Lady Speed Stick. 320 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,007 I know that it's counterintuitive, 321 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,214 but it does wonders for me. 322 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,375 Yeah? You guys done or what? 323 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,483 Yeah. 324 00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:55,754 No, I read Karen's journal. 325 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,023 - Whoa! - Oh, shit! 326 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,190 What'd you find out? 327 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,218 I can't go into details, but-- 328 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,822 Please go into details. 329 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,364 Don't touch me. Don't touch me! 330 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,230 All I'll say is this: it was very helpful. 331 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:08,028 Last night was--it was amazing. 332 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,401 Oh, you got to be careful, Paul. 333 00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:10,999 Oh, I got to be careful. 334 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:12,031 This guy's falling in love with a chick 335 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,065 who gives handies for a living, 336 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,200 but I got to be careful. 337 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,244 - Okay. - Dude, he's right. 338 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:16,868 Ah, screw you. 339 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,374 You got jerked off by Jack Sparrow's mom. 340 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,435 Bro, that one-eyed bitch was an artist. 341 00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,213 I seriously almost hit the ceiling. 342 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,942 It was like my dick was back in high school. 343 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,377 Oh, I miss my high school dick. 344 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,012 I'm gonna go to that place. 345 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,517 (Anthony) Bro, that's a stank, stank job. 346 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,178 I mean, you can't be serious about this girl. 347 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,377 I don't care what she does. 348 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,188 I care about who she is as a person. 349 00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:36,490 You are the gayest guy I know who actually chases pussy. 350 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:39,133 - Yup. - No, I'm good. 351 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:42,399 Bro, let me ask you this. 352 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,359 How much money have you given this broad so far? 353 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,097 Eh. 354 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,533 And you haven't even scored a hand job for yourself. 355 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,367 Shit, you gave her one. 356 00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:52,812 Based off these conversations, she might be a crayon eater. 357 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,570 I don't care what you guys think. 358 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,137 This could be the real thing. 359 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,176 She told me her real name, Gretchen. 360 00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,481 Now, hold on, is this her real name, 361 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,383 or, like, her fake real name that she tells 362 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,375 sad Chinese boys to make them feel special? 363 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:05,917 Joke all you want, guys. 364 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,153 We got a real connection going. 365 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:08,557 A connection? 366 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,518 Yeah, it's called cash, Sebalos, all right? 367 00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,927 That's how whores connect with lonely degenerates like you. 368 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,090 You guys are assholes. 369 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,427 And it's 80 bucks, by the way. 370 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,532 - 80 bucks? - Jesus. 371 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,433 You are getting ripped off. 372 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,095 Where is this place? I want her name. 373 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,003 - You are not going. - Give me her name. 374 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,195 And I don't want her bullshit real name. 375 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,607 I want her hand job name. 376 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,308 - I bet she'd do me for 60. - Oh, yeah. 377 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,041 I'm just breaking his balls. 378 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,577 I'm totally going with the one-eyed bitch. 379 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:32,811 Yeah. 380 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,378 Hey, babe. I made coffee. 381 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,317 You take milk, right? 382 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,452 (Karen) How long have we been married? 383 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,288 Yep, yep. 384 00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:03,509 Okay. 385 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:06,213 "Work is a pain in the ass. Andy is annoying." 386 00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:08,876 Work crap, work crap, work crap. 387 00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:12,946 "Great sex with Paul. He's really raising his game." 388 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,586 [laughs] 389 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:17,991 "It felt so good, but I feel guilty. 390 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,055 "While we were having sex, I couldn't stop 391 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,433 thinking about Anthony." 392 00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,131 Anthony? 393 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:25,003 "I've had such a crush on Anthony for so long, 394 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,402 "I don't know what to do. 395 00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,043 "He's so hot. What am I saying? 396 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:29,338 Enough with this for now." 397 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,412 Holy shit! 398 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,581 This place is so cool. 399 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,110 Yeah. 400 00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:40,976 I used to come here a lot as a kid. 401 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:43,324 Me and my friends used to bury dead birds over there. 402 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:45,120 Cool. 403 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:48,062 How does the beer in your trunk stay so cold? 404 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,218 Oh, I have a cooler in the trunk. 405 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,416 I always have beers ready to go. 406 00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:52,687 Before hockey games, after movies, 407 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,155 when the bar closes. 408 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:56,264 Wow, trunks are refrigerators? 409 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:59,226 No, I just put ice in the cooler. 410 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,496 [giggles] 411 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,473 You're not like other guys. 412 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,272 You're like a really sweet scientist. 413 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,405 You know, when it gets warmer, we should go to the beach. 414 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,940 I go to the beach a lot in the summers 415 00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:10,036 'cause I'm off, you know? 416 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,577 I work in the school system. 417 00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,081 Head of the IT department. 418 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,653 Washington High School, go, Ants! 419 00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:17,081 I like ants. 420 00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:20,317 That sounds important. What does IT stand for? 421 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,023 Information technology. 422 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,485 No, it doesn't. 423 00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,463 Yeah, it does-- it does, right? 424 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,332 I don't know. 425 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,130 Anyway, you're right about it sounding important, though. 426 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,332 'Cause when the school Wi-Fi goes down, 427 00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:31,973 I'm the one the principal calls. 428 00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,529 He's got an online poker addiction. 429 00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:36,196 I used to be addicted to something. 430 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,566 But it wasn't as messed up as online poker. 431 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,605 What was it, if you don't mind me asking? 432 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,670 Oxy. 433 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:45,008 Okay. Wow. 434 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:48,445 Well, I'm glad you're better now. 435 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,451 You're really sweet. 436 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,653 You're really sweet too. 437 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,045 What are you doing? 438 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,487 I thought you wanted me to. 439 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,122 I'm so sorry, Gretchen. 440 00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:59,387 Gretchen? Why did you call me Gretchen? 441 00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:00,626 You told me that was your name. 442 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,060 No, I didn't. 443 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,595 Okay, I'm pretty sure you did. 444 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,330 Well, I guess we'll have to agree to mis-agree. 445 00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:08,335 Anyway, I can't kiss you. I have a boyfriend. 446 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,198 A boyfriend? Since when? 447 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,437 Since, like, forever. 448 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,072 Why did you come here with me, then? 449 00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:15,577 Because you invited me to lunch 450 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,078 and I thought it would be fun. 451 00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,211 And it's free. 452 00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,446 Okay, how do you have a boyfriend 453 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,610 when you give hand jobs? 454 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,778 Because that's my job. 455 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,486 That's why I don't give hand jobs to my boyfriend. 456 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,520 Just mouth parties and vagina vacations. 457 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:33,687 But I'll give you a hand job if it'll make you feel better. 458 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,556 Actually, I could really use one right now. 459 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:38,395 Great. It's 80 bucks. 460 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:39,501 [sighs] 461 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,383 Yo, buddy. 462 00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:49,378 What's up, bro? 463 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:50,609 Not much. 464 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,113 Dude, I did not think I was gonna 465 00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:53,175 make it here in time. 466 00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:54,753 I met some girl at the dog park, 467 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,051 took her back to my place, banged the shit out of her. 468 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,694 Cool. I'm sure her father's proud. 469 00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,188 Oh, yeah, definitely. 470 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:01,520 She's a cool chick. 471 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,164 I mean, you know, like, a little prim and proper 472 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,790 at first, you know, but then The Doctor got her 473 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,464 to let her hair down. 474 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,693 Girls just want to let their hair down around me. 475 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:09,757 - Way to go, Doctor. - You like that? 476 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,426 I told you, like, Dr. Love, I'm thinking. 477 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,604 Or, wait a minute, what about, Love Doctor? 478 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,244 Dr. Love? 479 00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:17,639 What about, um, Dr. Bangin'? 480 00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:19,270 You like Dr. Bangin'? 481 00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:20,806 Very original. 482 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,310 Forget Doctor. 483 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,342 What about the Sultan of Bangin'? 484 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,307 That's--Paulie, you think they got hockey 485 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,646 in the Middle East? 486 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,650 [upbeat rock music] 487 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:37,693 * 488 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,408 Well, that was humiliating. 489 00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:58,784 Perfect end to my day. 490 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,150 Bro, I'm open all game. 491 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,753 One pass would've been nice. One. 492 00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,854 Hey, calm down, hotshot, all right? 493 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,356 You go out there with your hot little moves 494 00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,388 thinking you're hot shit. 495 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,692 You're not, you know that? 496 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:11,693 You should try passing the puck to us 497 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:12,694 every once in a while. 498 00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,125 What are you talking about? 499 00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:15,531 And why do you keep saying "hot"? 500 00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,462 It's, like, weird. 501 00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:18,497 Come here. 502 00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:25,210 I realize I'm taking something out on you 503 00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:26,438 that's not exactly your fault. 504 00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:27,913 Okay. 505 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,540 I read Karen's journal again. 506 00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:33,746 She said the other night, when we were having sex, 507 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:34,810 she was thinking about you. 508 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,747 Whoa! Oh, my God. 509 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,553 [laughter] 510 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:39,615 Karen was thinking about Anthony 511 00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:40,892 when she was banging Paul. 512 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,460 What do you want, dude? Bone struct-- 513 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:43,719 I can't help it. Chicks dig me. 514 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,186 Chicks dig me. 515 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,555 You can all go to hell, you know that? 516 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,563 Here, cut my face out. Wear it as a mask. 517 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,325 Problem solved. There you go. 518 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:51,903 Perfect, it's easy. 519 00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:53,201 [laughs] 520 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,633 Could be a lot worse, Paul. 521 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,767 - Worse? - Yeah. 522 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,402 How? 523 00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:58,767 Well, today I struck out with a baffled whore 524 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,865 who gives hand jobs for a living. 525 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,137 Normally, that would make me feel better. 526 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,146 Not today. 527 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,918 [upbeat rock music] 528 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:15,661 * 529 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,230 What's wrong, honey? 530 00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:24,463 I have a new entry in my journal. 531 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,267 Maybe that'll cheer you up. 532 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:27,729 What are you talking about? 533 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,197 You're not smart enough to play dumb, Paul. 534 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,336 I know you read my journal. 535 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:31,340 No, I didn't. 536 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,571 Yes, you did. 537 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:33,905 How did you know? 538 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:35,280 I knew the second your finger 539 00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,938 slipped into uncharted waters. 540 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,607 I made up the whole thing about Anthony 541 00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:40,606 to teach you a lesson. 542 00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,417 Oh, thank God. 543 00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:43,879 Oh, my God, thank God. 544 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,446 You know what? I deserved it. 545 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:46,945 I should've never read your journal, 546 00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:49,286 and I promise I'll never do it again. 547 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,422 I mean, I know you won't, 'cause if you do, 548 00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,388 I'm just gonna have to blow every guy on your hockey team. 549 00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:54,856 - Even Dickie? - Even Dickie. 550 00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,464 I want Dickie to film it and direct it. 551 00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:57,896 It's gonna be like a three-camera shoot. 552 00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,270 Oh, God, you're gonna give me nightmares. 553 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,269 I get the point. 554 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,270 You better, seriously. 555 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:02,571 Oh, my God. 556 00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,702 I need you to respect my privacy. 557 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:07,507 Our relationship is built on mutual trust. 558 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,510 I promise I'll always respect your privacy. 559 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,842 Thank you. 560 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,307 I love you, you know that? 561 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:13,575 Mm-hmm. 562 00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:18,415 Fake journal entries aside, you didn't ever 563 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,321 fantasize about Anthony, did you? 564 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,363 I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response. 565 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:23,389 That doesn't seem fair. 566 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,623 That doesn't seem fair? 567 00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,287 What about mutual trust? 568 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,356 Mutual trust means we both just have to trust me. 569 00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,455 Good night. 570 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:37,442 Can I have your computer password now? 571 00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:38,670 Absolutely not. 572 00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:43,909 Are you close? 573 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:45,483 I don't know. 574 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:46,582 Feels really good, though. 575 00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:48,013 Keep doing what you're doing. 576 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,847 You know, if this goes longer than 30 minutes, 577 00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:51,322 you owe me another 60. 578 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:52,751 [chuckles] 579 00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:54,815 Keep the meter running. I could go all night. 580 00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:56,964 Are you on any medications? 581 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,689 Yeah, Adipex, ExtenZe, and Viagra. 582 00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:01,486 Plus beer and cocaine. 583 00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:02,928 Are you up for this? 584 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:04,302 Want me to call in a reliever? 585 00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:05,931 Nah, nah, I can handle it. 586 00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:07,965 I skipped yoga today. 587 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,640 I could use the workout. 588 00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:12,669 [humming]