1
00:00:02,710 --> 00:00:06,089
[♪♪♪]
2
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:25,066
[KATY PERRY'S "HOT N COLD" PLAYING]
3
00:00:25,733 --> 00:00:28,611
♪ You change your mind ♪
4
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:32,448
♪ Like a girl changes clothes ♪
5
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:35,910
♪ Yeah, you PMS ♪
6
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,662
♪ Like a bitch ♪
7
00:00:37,745 --> 00:00:39,789
{\an8}♪ I would know ♪
8
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,167
{\an8}♪ And you overthink ♪
9
00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:45,003
♪ Always speak ♪
10
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,838
♪ Cryptically ♪
11
00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,840
{\an8}♪ I should know ♪
12
00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:54,095
{\an8}♪ That you're no good for me ♪
13
00:00:54,178 --> 00:00:56,180
♪ 'Cause you're hot then you're cold ♪
14
00:00:56,264 --> 00:00:58,016
♪ You're yes then you're no ♪
15
00:00:58,099 --> 00:00:59,851
♪ You're in then you're out ♪
16
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,686
♪ You're up then you're down ♪
17
00:01:01,769 --> 00:01:03,521
♪ You're wrong when it's right ♪
18
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,315
♪ It's black and it's white ♪
19
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,108
♪ We fight, we break up ♪
20
00:01:07,191 --> 00:01:09,444
♪ We kiss, we make up ♪
21
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:11,487
{\an8}Are you alert?
22
00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:16,618
{\an8}Okay, well tell them...
23
00:01:16,784 --> 00:01:18,244
No.
24
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,746
♪ You're yes then you're no ♪
25
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:22,665
{\an8}♪ You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down ♪
26
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,835
{\an8}I'll be there in about 15 minutes,
so stop arguing.
27
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,463
Okay, thanks. Bye.
28
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:34,093
♪ We used to be ♪
29
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,303
♪ Just like twins ♪
30
00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:36,929
{\an8}♪ So in sync ♪♪
31
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:38,556
{\an8}-Morning, Freddy.
FREDDY: Morning, Abby.
32
00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:42,018
{\an8}-You look awfully pretty today.
-Oh, is it that bad in there?
33
00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:44,145
{\an8}-Good morning. We got problems.
-Morning.
34
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:46,356
{\an8}There are no problems, Joy,
only solutions.
35
00:01:46,522 --> 00:01:50,026
{\an8}The traffic camera is down and we have no B-roll
for our traffic segment.
36
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,402
{\an8}-That is a problem.
-Yeah.
37
00:01:51,569 --> 00:01:53,738
{\an8}Call Matt at Media Lab.
He's got some Skycams and he owes me.
38
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:55,907
{\an8}-Where are all my weathermen?
-Right here.
39
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,241
{\an8}MAN: Hey.
-Hello.
40
00:01:57,408 --> 00:01:59,619
{\an8}Thank you all for coming.
You guys look great.
41
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,412
{\an8}Thanks for being here. Good.
42
00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:03,539
{\an8}Is there a reason
they're all overweight?
43
00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:05,333
{\an8}If they get
the forecast wrong,
44
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,835
{\an8}research shows people
are more willing to forgive a fat guy.
45
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:11,047
{\an8}Abby, I hate to do this to you, but I don't think
that I can work with her anymore.
46
00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:14,217
{\an8}It's bad enough I have to take her criticism
at home. I'm not gonna do it on the air.
47
00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:17,887
{\an8}-A man can only endure so much.
-Larry, you are not a man,
48
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,722
{\an8}you are a newsman.
49
00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,975
{\an8}And newsmen are not defined
by the easy times,
50
00:02:22,141 --> 00:02:24,268
{\an8}they're defined by the hard times.
51
00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:26,938
{\an8}Can you imagine
Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw
52
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,482
working with their
wives as co-anchors? No.
53
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,234
Because they
couldn't handle it.
54
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:35,446
But you. You, my friend,
have balls the size of Volkswagens.
55
00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:39,075
-Don't think I haven't noticed.
-I only thought of them as blue of late.
56
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,202
But you're right.
They're quite sizeable.
57
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:44,872
But not disproportionately so.
I like to think of them as aesthetically pleasing.
58
00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:46,666
{\an8}Yeah, I think
I made my point.
59
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,335
{\an8}Are you kidding me right now?
Josh, nobody in Sacramento
60
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:52,839
{\an8}gives a crap about the extinction rate
of the Brazilian slug worm. It's not newsworthy.
61
00:02:53,005 --> 00:02:55,758
{\an8}All right. But knowing which celebutante
is in rehab is of vital importance?
62
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,510
{\an8}You know, the sound of your voice
makes my hair--
63
00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,011
{\an8}Okay. He is trying to kill me.
64
00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:01,431
{\an8}-He knows I can't eat crab.
-It's Crab Rangoon.
65
00:03:01,597 --> 00:03:04,976
{\an8}-Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?
-Oh, my God. Does anybody see this?
66
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:07,437
{\an8}-Is that a hive?
JOSH: No, looks like syphilis to me.
67
00:03:07,603 --> 00:03:11,607
{\an8}DORI: You wouldn't know what syphilis looks like
if it weren't for my story on hot celebrity STDs.
68
00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:13,776
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
69
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,654
MAN: Stand by to go to three.
CHEF: Yeah, so some--
70
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:18,948
Cacciatore gets mushrooms, garlic.
Exactly.
71
00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:21,117
-Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
GEORGIA: All right.
72
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,952
CHEF:
And whatever amount of garlic you want.
73
00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:24,120
LARRY:
Really?
74
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:25,371
ROCCO:
You can't have enough garlic.
75
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:26,914
GEORGIA: Oh, you can.
LARRY: I certainly can.
76
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,124
Do it every night.
77
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,792
ROCCO:
I got a nice, big spoon for you.
78
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:32,003
GEORGIA: Oh, excellent. Thank you.
ROCCO: Here you go.
79
00:03:33,337 --> 00:03:34,464
Mm!
80
00:03:34,630 --> 00:03:36,507
-That good?
-I have to say, Rocco,
81
00:03:36,674 --> 00:03:39,343
this is the best chicken
cacciatore I've ever tasted.
82
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:42,055
I knew you'd like it.
It's duck cacciatore, actually.
83
00:03:42,221 --> 00:03:44,223
CLIFF: Oh, no.
-Did he just say "duck"?
84
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,143
And it's a great alternative
to chicken.
85
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:49,062
It kind of tastes
just like chicken, right?
86
00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:51,064
-Mm-hm.
-Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?
87
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,107
-Get ready to roll to an early break.
ROCCO: Yeah.
88
00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:54,317
-Whoa, duck.
-Yeah.
89
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,194
Man, we're a
chicken household.
90
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:58,529
-We really are.
-Tell Larry to throw it to Javier
91
00:03:58,696 --> 00:04:01,574
-while she pulls it together.
ROCCO: Or is it okay?
92
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,077
-It's good.
-Javier, do you like it?
93
00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:06,037
Mm.
94
00:04:06,204 --> 00:04:07,663
Can I take home the leftovers?
95
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:11,250
-Ha-ha. When we return,
-You sure you don't want any leftovers?
96
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,544
-our live Skycam traffic update.
-Okay.
97
00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:15,963
And guess who's in rehab this week.
98
00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:18,591
CLIFF: Stand by to roll break.
-Also, how you too can adopt
99
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:20,927
your very own slug worm,
when we come back.
100
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,553
-Roll your break.
ROCCO: How about salt?
101
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,472
Salt make it better?
102
00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:28,267
I don't know how you do it.
103
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:32,522
It's just a matter of looking chaos
right in the eye and telling it to eff off.
104
00:04:32,688 --> 00:04:34,148
You guys did great. Thank you.
105
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:36,818
I think it's time for a new chef
on this show. I do.
106
00:04:36,984 --> 00:04:38,611
Now, come on.
Rocco's been with us--
107
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,113
-Abby?
-It's this upsetting?
108
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,573
Hey, Stuart wants to see you.
He's freaking out.
109
00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,576
Oh, he got the ratings.
110
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,997
-Want some?
-Yeah, give me that.
111
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,379
Have you seen the ratings
from yesterday?
112
00:04:56,546 --> 00:05:00,341
We got beat by all the network shows,
including a rerun of Who's the Boss?
113
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,051
The one where
the vacuum breaks.
114
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:05,221
It's just a temporary setback, Stuart.
Things will be better tomorrow.
115
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:07,807
You know, that guy
with the cable-access show
116
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,102
on Channel 83 does better.
117
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:13,479
If we program
Jerry Springer reruns,
118
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:16,023
we'd do a nine-share
at a quarter of the price.
119
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:19,193
Please don't tell me
you're thinking of killing the show.
120
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,779
We're not a family-run station
anymore, Abby.
121
00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:24,240
I mean, I love you.
You're great at what you do.
122
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,325
But you gotta
get me some numbers.
123
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:29,287
I got two daughters in college
and a son in beauty school.
124
00:05:29,453 --> 00:05:33,958
I don't know how much you know about
Vidal Sassoon, but that shit ain't cheap.
125
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,794
I can rally. I will rally.
126
00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:39,589
You do rally. Every day, Abby.
127
00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:41,549
But that's what worries me.
128
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,342
That even you
won't be enough.
129
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,596
I should not be letting
corporate management
130
00:05:46,762 --> 00:05:49,140
dictate the content of this show.
It's my show.
131
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:52,184
I control it.
I should skip the date tonight.
132
00:05:52,351 --> 00:05:54,395
Stay home,
think up some ideas for sweeps.
133
00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:56,814
Absolutely not, Abby.
134
00:05:56,981 --> 00:05:59,442
You should be out there
observing humanity.
135
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:03,571
-Humanity is who watches our show.
-Yeah. All 2.47 percent of them.
136
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,907
You have rescheduled
on this guy three times.
137
00:06:06,073 --> 00:06:07,950
You cancel on him tonight
and he's gone.
138
00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:10,661
Look at this bone structure.
139
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,539
This could be the bone structure
of your future children.
140
00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:15,333
Don't you want them
to be symmetrical?
141
00:06:15,499 --> 00:06:16,834
You printed out his profile?
142
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:19,503
What? Yes. These have not been touched
in quite some time.
143
00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:21,839
I have to live vicariously
through your dating life.
144
00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:24,508
And I really think that this
could be our next boyfriend.
145
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:27,970
-Hi.
-Hello.
146
00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:31,974
I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown hair,
athletic build, blue eyes.
147
00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:34,602
He's 5'9". Which I know
you're thinking is a little short,
148
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,228
but he's read
The Great Gatsby twice--
149
00:06:36,395 --> 00:06:38,314
Well, technically 5'8" and a half,
150
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:42,443
but I could read The Great Gatsby
again if it makes it any better.
151
00:06:44,111 --> 00:06:45,738
WAITER:
Hi. Can I get some water for the table?
152
00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:48,032
Uh... Yeah, a bottle
of flat water, please?
153
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,241
WAITER: Sure.
-Thank you.
154
00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:52,954
Just one second. I'm sorry.
Did you know they've done studies that show
155
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,706
tap water and bottled water
are basically the same thing.
156
00:06:55,873 --> 00:06:59,210
And they recently passed a law
where restaurants have to filter their tap water,
157
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:02,463
so it's not really tap water, it's filtered water,
which is the same as bottled water
158
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,132
except you don't have to pay
7 dollars for it. Right?
159
00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:08,636
I like the way it tastes better anyway.
Can I get a Scotch on the rocks with that too?
160
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:11,222
-Thank you.
-Oh, yeah.
161
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:14,475
Huh. I thought, uh...
162
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:19,313
I thought in your profile it said you--
You like to drink red wine.
163
00:07:20,898 --> 00:07:22,275
You printed out my profile?
164
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:23,985
Actually, my associate producer did.
165
00:07:24,068 --> 00:07:27,154
She doesn't like me to not be prepared.
Not that I'm ever not prepared.
166
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:30,491
Kudos, by the way, on your comprehensive
car-insurance plan.
167
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:34,412
-That wasn't in my profile.
-No, but it's in your background check.
168
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:38,582
So tell me about yourself.
169
00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:41,627
Well, what's left to talk about
that you don't already know, right?
170
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,170
Good point. Heh.
171
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:46,841
All right, well, you know,
172
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:51,637
I actually took the liberty
of printing out some talking points
173
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,472
in case this happened.
174
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,183
-I take it this has happened before?
-No. No.
175
00:07:56,350 --> 00:08:00,146
But you have nine out of 10 of the
necessary attributes on my checklist.
176
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,981
Oh, dear God. Okay.
177
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:05,234
Oh, this is a good one.
Let's start with three, okay?
178
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:08,571
[♪♪♪]
179
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,502
[CAT MEOWS]
180
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:26,339
Don't ask.
181
00:08:35,639 --> 00:08:39,643
More on this story when we come back.
We'll hear from a zoo official now forced to take--
182
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:43,564
And we're back with The Ugly Truth,
where tonight we're gonna be talking about
183
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:47,193
what it is men and women
really want in relationships.
184
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:52,114
I've been looking through some books.
Smart Women, Foolish Choices. Ehh!
185
00:08:52,656 --> 00:08:55,534
Men Who Love Women
Who Hate Them. Ehh!
186
00:08:55,701 --> 00:09:00,873
And Women Hating Men Who
Loved Women Who Hate Loving Men. Huh?
187
00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:06,337
Billions and billions wasted
on psychobabble bullshit.
188
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:09,507
Now, listen up, ladies,
because I'm only gonna say this once,
189
00:09:09,673 --> 00:09:13,094
and it is just three little words:
190
00:09:13,260 --> 00:09:16,597
Men are simple.
191
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,391
We cannot be trained.
192
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:23,979
All this "men are from Venus" crap
is a waste of your time and money.
193
00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:28,234
You wanna be a lonely hag, then that's fine,
keep reading these stupid books.
194
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:32,530
But you want a relationship,
then here's how you get one:
195
00:09:32,696 --> 00:09:34,990
{\an8}It's called a Stairmaster.
196
00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:36,992
{\an8}Get on it, and get skinny
197
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,954
and get some trashy lingerie
while you're at it,
198
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:43,332
because at the end of the day,
all we're interested in is looks.
199
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:46,502
And no one falls in love
with your personality at first sight.
200
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:49,422
We fall in love with your tits
and your ass,
201
00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:53,426
{\an8}and we stick around because of what
you're willing to do with them.
202
00:09:53,592 --> 00:09:56,554
{\an8}So you wanna win a man over,
you don't need 10 steps,
203
00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:00,182
{\an8}you need one,
and it's called a blowjob.
204
00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:02,685
{\an8}And don't forget to...
205
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,646
[SCOFFS]
206
00:10:05,729 --> 00:10:09,400
Okay? Now, let's
take the first caller.
207
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,026
WOMAN:
How dare you burn those books.
208
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:13,237
They've helped my personal life
more than I can say.
209
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:15,281
What's your boyfriend's name, princess?
210
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,241
WOMAN:
Well, I'm not seeing anyone right now.
211
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,994
My point exactly, Shrek. Next caller.
212
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:21,662
You're on the air.
213
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:25,708
So you're saying that men
are incapable of love?
214
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,836
Oh, did I burst your little
harlequin romance bubble?
215
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,087
What? Come on.
216
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:32,423
The only thing you burst
is your credibility.
217
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:34,967
Men are completely capable
of experiencing love.
218
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,136
Okay, I'll bite.
Go on. Who's the guy?
219
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,889
-What?
-The guy. Mr. Wonderful.
220
00:10:40,055 --> 00:10:43,476
The one who's so capable of love.
Who is he? What's he like?
221
00:10:43,642 --> 00:10:46,854
He's smart, he's handsome
but he doesn't know it.
222
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:51,066
He's successful, but in a job
that means something.
223
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:52,401
[SNORING]
224
00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:55,529
He loves red wine, picnics,
classical music.
225
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,239
This is a guy in America, right?
226
00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:59,950
I mean, you're not calling
from Europe or something?
227
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:02,495
He loves dogs,
but he's more of a cat person.
228
00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:04,955
He never gets up before you
on a Sunday morning.
229
00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:07,249
Wait a second, I get it.
230
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:08,501
You're a lesbian.
231
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,002
-What?
-Well, you must be.
232
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:12,379
I mean, you just described
the perfect woman.
233
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:15,049
Why are you so threatened
by these qualities?
234
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,219
Is it perhaps because you don't
possess a single one of them
235
00:11:18,385 --> 00:11:21,597
and that is the real reason
why women aren't interested in you?
236
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:25,100
Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks
of my own money
237
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:28,520
to go get this guy and bring him
down here and let me meet him.
238
00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:31,649
Well, he's out there, somewhere.
239
00:11:31,815 --> 00:11:33,025
Wait a second.
240
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,110
You're not even dating this guy?
241
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:39,323
No, I'm describing a type.
242
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:42,159
I thought that's
what we were doing.
243
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:45,037
What? You don't even know him?
244
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,289
Whoa, okay, now I get the picture.
245
00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:50,459
Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
246
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,461
-What?
-Well, you must be.
247
00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:54,713
Come on, you heard me.
I mean, if you were--
248
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:59,051
If you were hot, you would be out
breaking some poor schmuck's heart
249
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:03,389
instead of spending all your time
fantasizing about Mr. Wonderful.
250
00:12:03,555 --> 00:12:06,100
Face it, you're ugly.
251
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,435
I am not ugly.
252
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:11,563
Well, okay, let me help you out here.
253
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:14,650
You might as well face the fact
that you're gonna be alone
254
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:18,112
and stop pining away for some
fantasy guy you're never gonna get.
255
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,781
-How can you possibly--?
-Hey, Lassie.
256
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:25,160
The show's called The Ugly Truth.
If you can't face it, don't call.
257
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:26,996
That about
wraps it up for this evening.
258
00:12:27,162 --> 00:12:30,916
I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
that the truth is never pretty.
259
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,126
JOY:
How'd the date go?
260
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:35,337
Well, I was very pleased
with the choice of restaurant.
261
00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:37,631
-That is so awesome.
-Why?
262
00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:38,924
STUART:
Good morning, everyone.
263
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,467
-Morning.
-Morning.
264
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,970
Now, before I play you this,
I should warn you,
265
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:45,889
this guy's a little rough
around the edges.
266
00:12:46,473 --> 00:12:51,186
-Face it, you're ugly.
ABBY: I am not ugly.
267
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:53,188
MIKE: Well--
-Why are we watching this?
268
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:55,399
Say hello to
our new guest commentator.
269
00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:58,485
I'm starting him off at two segments a week,
three minutes a pop.
270
00:12:58,652 --> 00:13:00,904
-Are you kidding me?
-Who the hell is this guy?
271
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:03,907
-Name's Mike Chadway.
-And he's an uber-moron misogynist
272
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:07,077
who represents everything that is wrong
with television and society.
273
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:10,372
I get crap every time
I suggest we do something even remotely fluffy.
274
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:12,708
Oh, come on.
He's got a point of view.
275
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:15,544
We don't have to like it.
I mean, we're newspeople.
276
00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:18,255
We're objective.
Stone Phillips interviews terrorists.
277
00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:20,758
Doesn't mean he likes them,
he does it for the ratings.
278
00:13:20,924 --> 00:13:22,843
I have a whole list of ideas
to improve ratings.
279
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,678
You're gonna like it.
We don't need him.
280
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,221
-We don't need him.
-Not at all.
281
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:28,640
"An intimate profile of the mayor."
GEORGIA: I like that.
282
00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:30,392
-I like the mayor.
-Fantastic.
283
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:33,103
-The mayor?
-Yes. It can be edgy and yet intriguing.
284
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:35,814
Unless you can get him to bang
three crack whores
285
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:40,569
and a German shepherd on live TV,
no one's gonna give a shit.
286
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:44,907
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was eavesdropping out in the hall.
287
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,241
[LAUGHING]
288
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,118
What did I tell you?
Isn't this guy great?
289
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,661
Oh, thanks, boss.
290
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:51,997
You already hired him?
291
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:54,416
Who's this delightful creature?
292
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:57,211
I'm your producer.
293
00:13:58,045 --> 00:13:59,588
Hey.
294
00:14:00,672 --> 00:14:02,174
I like a woman on top.
295
00:14:02,549 --> 00:14:05,427
GEORGIA:
Ugh. God.
296
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,638
-Ha-ha-ha. He's just kidding.
-Nice office.
297
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:08,931
Oh, yeah.
298
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:10,933
-Excuse me.
-Hey, Mike, did you see your office?
299
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:12,601
-No, I didn't.
-Come on. Let me show you.
300
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:15,270
MIKE: Beautiful.
-Everybody take five. I'll be right back.
301
00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:18,816
Were you all not there last year
for our sexual-harassment meeting?
302
00:14:18,982 --> 00:14:21,151
-Yes. Were you not there, Larry?
-He needs to go.
303
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:22,861
He wasn't
sexually harassing me.
304
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,697
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
305
00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:27,783
I am an award-winning news producer.
I am an award-winning news producer.
306
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:31,787
I am an award-winning news producer.
I am an award-winning news producer.
307
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:33,539
You're an award-winning
news producer.
308
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:36,792
-You don't knock?
-Well, I did knock. You didn't answer.
309
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:40,838
So essentially, your knock was negated
by your complete lack of adherence
310
00:14:41,004 --> 00:14:44,091
to the social etiquette
that follows a knock.
311
00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:47,261
Whoa. You're wound like a fucking top.
312
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:50,764
Woof, woof. Remember the bark?
313
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:53,183
Last night, a little phone conversation we had.
314
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:56,603
Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
315
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:58,147
You're not ugly at all.
316
00:14:58,313 --> 00:15:00,691
Oh, well, imagine my relief.
317
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,943
I want to thank you
for getting me this gig.
318
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,279
I would never have gotten it without you.
319
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,740
You and I, we make good TV.
320
00:15:07,906 --> 00:15:11,952
You make imbecilic trash
watched by housebound inbreds who are so busy
321
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:15,330
with their hands down their pants,
they can't change the remote.
322
00:15:15,497 --> 00:15:18,584
I hadn't been picturing you that way,
but it's a nice image.
323
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,335
I do not watch your program.
324
00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:22,379
My cat stepped on the remote.
325
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:26,091
Oh, you want to
thank your pussy for me, then?
326
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,260
Ugh!
327
00:15:28,343 --> 00:15:30,053
[♪♪♪]
328
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:33,015
Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
I want you to skewer him.
329
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,142
I want Mike Chadway
to go down in flames.
330
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:38,395
I want Mike Chadway to be nothing but
a pile of ash on the seat next to you.
331
00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:42,357
I want the janitor to come in and vacuum up
the ashes of Mike Chadway with his Dustbuster,
332
00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:46,028
and when he dumps it in the Dumpster outside,
I want the rats to vomit and defecate
333
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:48,113
on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
334
00:15:48,363 --> 00:15:52,201
Wow. And I thought you
were angry and bitter.
335
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:56,246
Uh, no, Larry,
that would be my untouched vagina.
336
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:57,790
MAN: Chadway?
-What?
337
00:15:57,956 --> 00:15:59,666
MAN:
Twenty seconds to air.
338
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:01,376
About ready? Larry?
339
00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:04,046
-There's a bird in my dressing room.
MAN: I'll take care of it.
340
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:05,756
-A real bird?
-Yeah. It's flying around.
341
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:08,050
MAN: A sparrow?
-Why is there a bird in his dressing room?
342
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,385
-I don't know what type of bird.
-Security here is awful.
343
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,888
You guys have really got to keep
the doors closed.
344
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,723
MAN:
Four, three...
345
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:16,225
[NEWS THEME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
346
00:16:16,391 --> 00:16:19,686
Good morning, everyone, I'm Larry Freeman.
Another beautiful day in Sacramento.
347
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:21,563
And I'm sitting here
with a beautiful woman.
348
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,315
CLIFF: Go, 1.
STUART: All right, here we go.
349
00:16:23,398 --> 00:16:24,441
[GEORGIA LAUGHS]
350
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:25,692
GEORGIA:
Thank you, Larry.
351
00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:28,570
-Hi. I'm Georgia Bordeney.
CLIFF: Ready for the single on Georgia.
352
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,824
For years, there have been concerns
about lowering television standards.
353
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:35,619
But many believe that this man
and his local public-access show
354
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,579
have brought things to a new low.
355
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:40,415
With that,
we welcome Mike Chadway.
356
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,125
How you doing, guys?
357
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:45,546
Mike, how do you respond to people
who say your show is offensive?
358
00:16:45,712 --> 00:16:48,382
Well, it is.
But then again, so is the truth.
359
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:52,469
Ha. The truth about what, Mr. Chadway?
360
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:54,471
What relationships are really like.
361
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,306
Take marriage, for instance.
362
00:16:56,473 --> 00:17:01,019
It's about social pressure, status and sex.
363
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:05,607
If it weren't for these three things,
men and women wouldn't even speak.
364
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:08,610
Oh, dear. Sounds to me
like no one's ever loved you,
365
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:12,281
and you're taking that out
on the female population.
366
00:17:12,447 --> 00:17:13,615
[LAUGHING]
367
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:14,825
Good one.
368
00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:17,077
-It's like Crossfire.
-That was a good one.
369
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,288
While we're making
these observations, Georgia,
370
00:17:19,454 --> 00:17:24,459
you two project this image
of the perfect couple, when clearly it's a lie.
371
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,628
Excuse me?
372
00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:28,964
-Holy shit.
-Oh. Break for commercial.
373
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,299
No, no, no.
374
00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:31,925
Stuart said keep rolling
no matter what.
375
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:34,428
What? When? This is my show.
376
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:36,555
BOTH:
Not right now, it isn't.
377
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,558
Come on, Larry.
I watched your show for years.
378
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:42,978
You used to be this cool, confident cat.
379
00:17:43,478 --> 00:17:44,938
What the hell happened to you?
380
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:48,734
And you, Georgia.
I mean, this one's no dumb bunny.
381
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,278
She knew the only way
she was getting off the weekend shift
382
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:52,821
was by hooking up with you.
383
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,074
Then, lo and behold, she became
more popular than you did.
384
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:57,951
-Uh--
-Ended up with twice your salary.
385
00:17:58,118 --> 00:18:00,078
CLIFF: Camera 2.
-Come on, Larry, take him down.
386
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:00,996
JOY:
Shh!
387
00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:04,041
Hold on, pal. I am very proud
of my wife's success.
388
00:18:04,207 --> 00:18:06,710
MIKE:
Baloney, you are. You hate her success.
389
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:08,503
You feel emasculated by her.
390
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:11,465
And that screws with your head.
391
00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:15,302
Which, in turn,
screws with your manhood.
392
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:16,678
GEORGIA:
What's your point, Mr. Chadway?
393
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:19,932
-Yes, Georgia, take control.
MIKE: My point, Georgia...
394
00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:22,768
My point is that your husband
395
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,478
hasn't had sex with you in...
396
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:27,356
I'm gonna say, what, three months?
397
00:18:27,522 --> 00:18:30,734
-Chadway, that is not my fault.
-I know.
398
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:33,862
-I mean, come on.
-I know, I know. It's her fault.
399
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,281
Why is it my fault?
What am I supposed to do?
400
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,742
Say no to the money
so he can get an erection?
401
00:18:38,825 --> 00:18:42,245
-She said "erection" on network television.
-The other networks do it. It's no big deal.
402
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:45,457
-They're talking about erections. Be quiet!
-They say "erection" on Sesame Street.
403
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,209
-I agree.
-Thank you.
404
00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:49,628
You've economically
emasculated your husband
405
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:53,507
to such a point
that he's afraid to want you.
406
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,509
I mean, sure,
you could dump his ass,
407
00:18:55,676 --> 00:19:00,764
but, honey, have you seen the eligible men
in Sacramento? Oh, God.
408
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:04,017
It's slim pickings for a woman
in her 40s, I can tell you.
409
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:05,227
Forties?
410
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:08,063
-Oh, God.
CLIFF: Hold that shot with Georgia and Mike.
411
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,023
He just talked about her age.
412
00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:11,733
-She's gonna kill me.
-Well...
413
00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:14,236
-Forty?
-I mean, you ain't gonna do
414
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,904
any better than Larry.
415
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:19,074
You just have to let him be a man. Hm?
416
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,576
-Let him be a man, Georgia.
-I let him be a man.
417
00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:24,246
-You have to let me be a man.
-I have tried to let you be a man.
418
00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:26,373
-Let him be a man.
-You have to let me be a man.
419
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,834
Simple as that.
Now, you, Frowny McFlaccid, come on.
420
00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:30,419
Ah. Oh, God.
421
00:19:30,585 --> 00:19:32,045
CLIFF:
Camera 1, ready for a three-shot.
422
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:34,172
-I'm not frowny.
-Yes, you are.
423
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,717
Move in here and give
this beautiful woman a kiss.
424
00:19:36,883 --> 00:19:38,844
GEORGIA: Oh, God. This is ridiculous.
-McFlaccid?
425
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:41,346
-That mean what I think it means?
MIKE: Yes, it does. Kiss her.
426
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:44,391
-No. They're not gonna--
-Give it to her, right in front of me.
427
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,059
-And in front of them.
-Let me--
428
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:48,937
Goddamn it, Georgia, let me be a man.
429
00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:52,065
-No!
-Oh! Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.
430
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:53,859
America doesn't want to see this.
431
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,529
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
432
00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,865
Get ready to roll to break.
Ready to roll--
433
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,951
Oh, you are a man.
He is a man. Break.
434
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:05,203
Cut to commercial!
435
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,206
-Cut to commercial!
-That was great! Wasn't that great?
436
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:09,916
I told you that guy was great.
437
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,335
Good job, everybody. Wow!
438
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:13,628
[KNOCKING]
439
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,338
JOY:
Abby?
440
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,342
Found her.
441
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,970
One-thousand, one hundred
and forty-three calls,
442
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:25,307
over 300 e-mails, 53 percent of them were women.
443
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:28,060
This guy's a lightning rod.
444
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:29,728
They liked him?
445
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:33,315
Liked him? They loved him.
Ninety-three percent positive.
446
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,484
-How is that possible?
STUART: Well, I don't know.
447
00:20:35,650 --> 00:20:39,029
But I am scaling back the news
and giving it to The Ugly Truth.
448
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:43,283
Stuart, I really think this is a mistake.
What do we even know about this guy?
449
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:46,661
-Who is he, really?
-Moved here when he was 10,
450
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,873
pitched two consecutive
Little League Championships. Cute.
451
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,542
Voted "Most Likely to Get Slapped"
in his senior yearbook.
452
00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:56,463
Three years at San José State. Salesman
of the Year at Dobson Medical Supplies in '04.
453
00:20:56,630 --> 00:21:00,592
Once arrested for urinating out of a moving vehicle.
That is actually incredibly challenging.
454
00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:03,095
-Tell me about it.
-Never been married, hates asparagus.
455
00:21:03,261 --> 00:21:05,722
Look, let's just keep a smile on this guy's face,
456
00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:08,391
and we'll both get
our contracts renewed.
457
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,979
Congratulations?
458
00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:15,315
[♪♪♪]
459
00:21:27,202 --> 00:21:28,453
[BEEPS]
460
00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:31,123
WOMAN 1 [ON RECORDING]:
Hi, it's Lauren. I'm having a party Saturday
461
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:33,208
and you know what happens
when I drink tequila.
462
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:35,085
[WOMAN 1 LAUGHS]
463
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:37,838
[MACHINE BEEPS]
464
00:21:38,004 --> 00:21:43,969
WOMAN 2: It's me, Nikki.
Why haven't you called me? I miss you.
465
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:48,140
-I can't stop thinking about your huge--
-Hey.
466
00:21:48,306 --> 00:21:51,768
-Who's that?
-Rubbing all over my--
467
00:21:52,310 --> 00:21:54,479
-Dripping wet--
-How was--?
468
00:21:55,897 --> 00:21:57,065
How was school?
469
00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:01,653
-Well, you totally hosed me.
-What?
470
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,948
Last week on your show, you said,
"Always be mean to hot girls
471
00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:08,368
because they'll want you more."
Well, I tried it on Shauna.
472
00:22:08,535 --> 00:22:10,829
She cried,
and then I got detention.
473
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,915
First of all,
don't listen to what I say on my show.
474
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:18,170
Second of all, you're supposed
to do that to 25-year-old girls
475
00:22:18,336 --> 00:22:21,047
who think they're hot
and can get any guy they want,
476
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:23,425
not 14-year-old girls.
477
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,051
They're going through puberty.
478
00:22:25,218 --> 00:22:27,512
They got enough problems.
479
00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:31,016
Mom said when she was 14,
she was the prettiest girl in class.
480
00:22:31,182 --> 00:22:35,228
Well, I was there when she was 14,
and let me tell you something. She lied.
481
00:22:35,395 --> 00:22:36,938
Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
482
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:41,067
He was blind from touching himself
inappropriately.
483
00:22:41,234 --> 00:22:43,028
That's a nice thing
to tell your son.
484
00:22:43,194 --> 00:22:45,906
Like he hasn't heard worse
on your show.
485
00:22:46,072 --> 00:22:49,159
Let's hope you can clean it up
now that you're on a network.
486
00:22:49,326 --> 00:22:51,202
Congrats.
487
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:53,288
[♪♪♪]
488
00:23:03,131 --> 00:23:05,342
[GLASS SHATTERS]
489
00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:09,346
D'Artagnan, no, you didn't.
490
00:23:09,512 --> 00:23:12,098
No, D'Artagnan, you get back here.
Get back here.
491
00:23:12,265 --> 00:23:14,935
No, do not-- No, no, no.
492
00:23:17,228 --> 00:23:19,314
D'Artagnan.
493
00:23:20,190 --> 00:23:22,192
D'Artagnan.
494
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,152
Shit.
495
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,405
All right.
496
00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:29,032
I'll just come up.
497
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:34,621
I'm really not that flexible,
D'Artagnan. I'm coming.
498
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:36,665
I got you, hold on.
499
00:23:36,831 --> 00:23:38,917
Hold on. Come here, baby.
500
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:41,670
No, no. No, no. Come on.
Come here, D'Artagnan.
501
00:23:41,836 --> 00:23:44,881
Good boy. Oh, good boy. Okay.
502
00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:47,133
Okay. You're gonna be okay.
503
00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:49,052
I hope we can get down.
504
00:23:49,135 --> 00:23:50,720
[RUSTLING]
505
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:53,807
[♪♪♪]
506
00:23:57,519 --> 00:23:58,353
Oh, my.
507
00:23:58,436 --> 00:24:00,563
[MEOWS]
508
00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:05,735
Oh, my.
509
00:24:06,486 --> 00:24:08,321
My, my.
510
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:14,619
He flosses.
511
00:24:16,204 --> 00:24:18,623
[SCREAMING]
512
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,919
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
513
00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:25,505
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!
514
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:27,632
I'm stuck in a tree!
515
00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:30,176
Help me! Anybody!
516
00:24:30,343 --> 00:24:32,929
-I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
-Whoa. Stay, stay calm.
517
00:24:33,096 --> 00:24:35,849
-You're gonna be fine.
-Get me down! Get me down!
518
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:40,020
Sorry. Oh, my God.
519
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,939
So you just moved in. That's great.
520
00:24:43,106 --> 00:24:44,357
I'm Abby, by the way.
521
00:24:44,524 --> 00:24:46,276
Your neighbor
from across the way.
522
00:24:47,402 --> 00:24:50,321
-So you're a doctor? Wow.
-An orthopedic surgeon.
523
00:24:50,405 --> 00:24:54,701
Yeah, I do a lot of leg and hip stuff,
but I do get the occasional foot.
524
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:58,038
Your ankle seems to be fine.
Just a mild sprain, so this should help.
525
00:24:58,204 --> 00:24:59,497
Great. Thank you.
526
00:24:59,664 --> 00:25:03,418
I guess I'm pretty lucky my cat chose the tree
outside your window to climb.
527
00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:04,961
[ABBY LAUGHS]
528
00:25:05,128 --> 00:25:06,629
Well, I'm here
whenever you need me.
529
00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:09,716
Look, I'm gonna put my home number
on the back of my business card.
530
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:12,802
If your ankle starts giving you
any problems, just give me a call.
531
00:25:12,969 --> 00:25:14,679
Great. Thanks.
532
00:25:14,763 --> 00:25:16,014
[CAT MEOWS]
533
00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:20,435
Oh, wow, that's so weird.
He doesn't usually like men.
534
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:25,398
Well, you know, dogs are great,
but I'm a cat person.
535
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:26,858
[LAUGHS]
536
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,235
Yeah.
537
00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:31,071
[♪♪♪]
538
00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:35,075
Well, I guess I'll get going, then.
539
00:25:35,241 --> 00:25:36,743
Yeah.
540
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:38,536
Yeah.
541
00:25:40,955 --> 00:25:42,373
Yeah. Ha.
542
00:25:45,668 --> 00:25:47,962
-Thanks again for saving my life.
-Anytime.
543
00:25:48,129 --> 00:25:51,091
-Okay. Bye.
-Okay. Bye.
544
00:25:54,427 --> 00:25:56,554
-You forgot your cat.
-Right.
545
00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:57,972
I had a spider on me. Ugh.
546
00:25:58,056 --> 00:26:00,391
-Yeah.
-Gross. It's gone now, though. Good.
547
00:26:00,558 --> 00:26:01,726
-Bye.
-Okay.
548
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:04,020
-Thanks again.
-Good night.
549
00:26:06,189 --> 00:26:08,900
You are not gonna believe
how perfect he is.
550
00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:10,944
-Symmetrical?
-Oh, you have no idea.
551
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:12,153
-Oh, good Lord.
-Yeah.
552
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:14,572
Well, how did you leave it?
I mean, did he ask for your number?
553
00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:17,158
No, but he gave me his.
So, what do I do? Should I call him?
554
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:19,953
-If I do call him, what should I say?
-Okay. Take a breath.
555
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,956
-And please, sweetheart, no tap water.
-No tap water.
556
00:26:23,123 --> 00:26:25,375
-Don't bring it up.
KAREN: You've got naughty eyes.
557
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:28,169
-Anyone ever tell you that?
-I have naughty everything.
558
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:29,838
Hold that thought.
559
00:26:30,004 --> 00:26:32,090
MIKE:
No, hey, you won't get in trouble.
560
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:34,300
Down a bit. Down a bit.
561
00:26:35,635 --> 00:26:37,262
Okay.
562
00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:39,931
Bye, Karen.
563
00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:41,933
[CLEARS THROAT]
564
00:26:42,308 --> 00:26:44,352
Keep it clean, moving,
stick to the script.
565
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:46,521
You are on a live
affiliate news program.
566
00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:50,150
You do not have the luxury of using the words
"blow" and "job" in the same sentence.
567
00:26:50,316 --> 00:26:53,528
If you say anything scatological,
you will be fired.
568
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:54,904
-Oh, really?
-Yes.
569
00:26:55,071 --> 00:26:57,907
Because I kind of thought
that you were the one that was gonna get fired
570
00:26:58,074 --> 00:26:59,576
if you don't keep me happy.
571
00:27:00,535 --> 00:27:04,330
Yes. I've got a list of demands that
I would like to make after the show,
572
00:27:04,497 --> 00:27:08,042
and let me just warn you,
they're gonna be scatological.
573
00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:12,130
Ow.
574
00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:15,383
You know, just because
you look pretty today,
575
00:27:15,550 --> 00:27:18,636
I won't mention the misguided
phallic rage you just displayed.
576
00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:21,181
-When you hear my voice, just do what I say.
-Ha-ha-ha.
577
00:27:21,264 --> 00:27:23,975
-Promise you'll talk dirty?
-Heh-heh.
578
00:27:24,142 --> 00:27:26,227
Good morning, Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.
579
00:27:26,477 --> 00:27:27,854
GEORGIA:
And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
580
00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:29,147
MIKE:
And I'm Mike Chadway.
581
00:27:29,314 --> 00:27:31,774
And this is The Ugly Truth.
582
00:27:31,941 --> 00:27:34,444
{\an8}Where we'll be taking
a few minutes every day
583
00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:38,990
{\an8}to talk about men,
women and relationships.
584
00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:40,909
Let's start with men.
585
00:27:41,075 --> 00:27:42,118
Men are simple.
586
00:27:42,285 --> 00:27:46,831
To illustrate my point, here we have
a classic romantic setting.
587
00:27:46,998 --> 00:27:50,877
We have candlelight, champagne,
and even
588
00:27:51,044 --> 00:27:53,671
your own personal violinist.
589
00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:55,340
Now...
590
00:27:55,715 --> 00:27:58,134
over here,
we have something quite different.
591
00:27:58,301 --> 00:28:00,178
MAN: This isn't on my list.
-Ha-ha-ha! Follow me.
592
00:28:00,261 --> 00:28:01,346
[♪♪♪]
593
00:28:01,429 --> 00:28:02,805
MAN:
Is the segment over?
594
00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:05,016
Where the hell's he going?
595
00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,060
-Follow him. Follow him.
-Go with him, Remote.
596
00:28:07,227 --> 00:28:08,269
Go with him, Remote 1.
597
00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:12,482
-Hey.
-Babes wrestling in Jell-O.
598
00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:15,735
-Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
-Hello? Abby?
599
00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:17,612
There's people calling
600
00:28:17,779 --> 00:28:19,280
-and freaking out.
-Oh, Jesus.
601
00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:21,366
-Sit down!
-Turn the monitor up.
602
00:28:21,532 --> 00:28:25,370
Let's take a quick survey and see which option
the men out there would pick.
603
00:28:25,536 --> 00:28:27,830
We have classical music
and candle-lit dinner
604
00:28:27,997 --> 00:28:33,920
or semi-naked chicks wrestling
in strawberry-flavored goo.
605
00:28:35,296 --> 00:28:36,589
[LAUGHING]
606
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:38,132
Oh, shit.
607
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:43,596
All right. If we're gonna do this,
we might as well milk it.
608
00:28:43,763 --> 00:28:46,641
Two, get ready to go wide.
One, tight on his hand.
609
00:28:46,808 --> 00:28:49,102
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
610
00:28:50,353 --> 00:28:52,230
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
611
00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:54,524
Just do it.
612
00:28:58,861 --> 00:29:00,905
[CROWD CHEERING AND HOOTING]
613
00:29:03,491 --> 00:29:07,036
I was wrong. It's cherry.
614
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:11,040
Back to you in the studio, Georgia. Bye. Ha-ha!
615
00:29:12,041 --> 00:29:14,127
Coming up,
we're gonna visit the aquarium
616
00:29:14,294 --> 00:29:16,087
and see how
Penny the Porpoise is doing.
617
00:29:16,254 --> 00:29:20,925
Can she clear that 10-foot pole
with a ball on her nose? When we come back.
618
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:22,594
When we come back.
619
00:29:27,515 --> 00:29:31,603
Chemistry. I smell threesome.
620
00:29:31,686 --> 00:29:32,520
Ah.
621
00:29:34,147 --> 00:29:36,608
Great job, ladies.
I can still taste you.
622
00:29:36,774 --> 00:29:37,817
You know what I mean.
623
00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:43,197
-Huh?
-Do you realize that I once had
624
00:29:43,364 --> 00:29:45,825
the Archbishop Desmond Tutu
on this show?
625
00:29:45,992 --> 00:29:47,201
Who's that?
626
00:29:47,368 --> 00:29:49,203
I can't even
demonstrate how far I've fallen
627
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:51,372
because you're not smart enough
to get the references.
628
00:29:51,539 --> 00:29:54,042
Hey, wait, wait, wait. I thought
we were a great team back there.
629
00:29:54,208 --> 00:29:56,085
You were the one that
told me to lick the Jell-O.
630
00:29:56,252 --> 00:29:58,421
Do you understand
how much I hate myself for that?
631
00:29:58,588 --> 00:30:01,674
It was cheap titillation.
I am now going to broadcasting hell
632
00:30:01,841 --> 00:30:04,594
right behind
the naked weathergirl from Canada.
633
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,597
Seriously?
634
00:30:07,764 --> 00:30:09,891
There's a naked weathergirl?
635
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,225
Hey, can we get her?
636
00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:14,187
You have to do it
for the ratings, Abby.
637
00:30:14,354 --> 00:30:15,605
[♪♪♪]
638
00:30:15,772 --> 00:30:18,608
Think of my son. My son, who had
a dream of being a cosmetician.
639
00:30:18,775 --> 00:30:21,319
Think about him. Think about Joy.
640
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:22,945
Just do it for me.
641
00:30:23,112 --> 00:30:27,450
Today it'll be partly sunny
with a cloud cover moving in from my left breast.
642
00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:31,287
Low pressure systems are moving up,
so expect a cold front.
643
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,081
[LAUGHING]
644
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:36,042
[GASPING]
645
00:30:36,125 --> 00:30:39,170
MAN [ON TV]:
Watch Mike Chadway on Sacramento A.M.,
646
00:30:39,337 --> 00:30:41,923
giving us The Ugly Truth
each and every day
647
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:45,176
-at 9:00, right here on Channel 2.
-Oh, God.
648
00:30:45,259 --> 00:30:46,678
[♪♪♪]
649
00:30:50,598 --> 00:30:53,935
I used to really like caviar,
until I found out it was made out of fish eggs.
650
00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,853
-Did you know that?
-Caviar's revolting.
651
00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:58,064
-I almost started to gag.
-Morning, ladies.
652
00:30:58,231 --> 00:31:00,233
-John.
-Yesterday's ratings.
653
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,151
Thanks, John.
654
00:31:05,530 --> 00:31:07,532
Guess I should be happy
about this, right?
655
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:11,077
Yeah. Yeah. You've never gotten
a 12-share before.
656
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,246
I feel dirty.
657
00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:17,375
-Did you hear about the ratings?
-Yes, I am the producer.
658
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:19,877
Well, then did you hear that
corporate's coming next week
659
00:31:20,044 --> 00:31:21,379
to take me out to dinner?
660
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:24,924
Well, let's hope you can chew
with your mouth closed.
661
00:31:25,591 --> 00:31:26,759
Why do you hate my guts?
662
00:31:26,926 --> 00:31:30,096
Your innards are of no consequence to me.
It's what you represent.
663
00:31:30,263 --> 00:31:31,889
Oh, you hate the truth.
664
00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:35,435
Your skewed perception
of male-female interaction is not the truth.
665
00:31:35,601 --> 00:31:38,646
But your imaginary boyfriend's the truth?
666
00:31:38,813 --> 00:31:41,774
For your information,
I happened to meet him.
667
00:31:41,941 --> 00:31:45,278
Well, I hope he's real this time,
because otherwise this is just sad.
668
00:31:45,445 --> 00:31:47,697
Oh, he's real. He's very real.
669
00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:51,617
Not to mention stunningly handsome,
morally sound. He's a surgeon.
670
00:31:51,784 --> 00:31:53,661
An orthopedic surgeon.
671
00:31:53,828 --> 00:31:55,413
-You know what that means.
-What?
672
00:31:56,164 --> 00:31:59,083
Had to stick his finger up
some guy's butt in medical school.
673
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:01,210
You disgust me.
674
00:32:04,338 --> 00:32:09,051
-So did Butt Boy ask you out?
-Not yet.
675
00:32:09,218 --> 00:32:12,054
We're taking things slow,
getting to know each other first.
676
00:32:12,221 --> 00:32:13,890
Why am I talking to you about this?
677
00:32:14,056 --> 00:32:16,559
In other words,
he didn't actually ask you out.
678
00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:25,359
What are you doing?
679
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:27,445
[LINE RINGING]
680
00:32:28,821 --> 00:32:30,156
WOMAN:
Doctor's office.
681
00:32:30,323 --> 00:32:32,992
Hi. This is Abby Richter
calling for Dr. Anderson.
682
00:32:33,159 --> 00:32:34,577
-Please hold.
-Yes, I'll hold.
683
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:35,870
-What are you doing?
-Shh!
684
00:32:36,037 --> 00:32:37,580
-What, are you calling this guy?
-Shh!
685
00:32:37,747 --> 00:32:40,958
COLIN: Dr. Anderson.
-Hi, Colin. This is Abby.
686
00:32:41,125 --> 00:32:43,461
Your neighbor from last night.
687
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:46,964
Hey. Everything okay?
688
00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:49,926
How's the ankle treating you?
689
00:32:50,092 --> 00:32:52,136
Couldn't be better.
690
00:32:52,303 --> 00:32:56,557
I was just calling to let you know
how much I enjoyed meeting you last night.
691
00:32:58,100 --> 00:32:59,852
Thanks.
692
00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:04,106
And I was thinking we should go out
for dinner sometime.
693
00:33:04,273 --> 00:33:07,735
-Oh.
-There is a new French bistro in town
694
00:33:07,902 --> 00:33:11,197
and an art opening
that got amazing reviews.
695
00:33:11,364 --> 00:33:14,325
So I was thinking
we could go on Friday.
696
00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:17,703
Um, Friday... Oh. Wow.
697
00:33:17,870 --> 00:33:20,665
-Would Saturday be better?
-Actually,
698
00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:24,710
Abby, the thing is,
I haven't really settled in yet.
699
00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:28,381
What the hell are you doing?
700
00:33:28,548 --> 00:33:29,799
I'm saving you.
He was blowing you off.
701
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:31,425
He wasn't blowing me off!
702
00:33:31,592 --> 00:33:34,512
Don't. Okay, he'll be
expecting you to call him.
703
00:33:34,679 --> 00:33:36,639
And when you don't, he'll call back.
704
00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:39,392
-How do you know?
-Because I know how men operate.
705
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,895
If you want it to work out with this guy,
then you'll listen to me,
706
00:33:43,062 --> 00:33:46,357
and you'll do exactly as I say.
You've probably already done irreparable damage
707
00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:49,193
with your psycho-aggressive
control-freak phone call.
708
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:50,611
It might even be too late.
709
00:33:50,778 --> 00:33:54,115
And if you do salvage the situation,
you'll never be more than Abby,
710
00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:57,743
-his desperate neighbor.
-I'm not desperate.
711
00:33:58,369 --> 00:34:00,204
Why? Did you think
I sounded desperate?
712
00:34:00,705 --> 00:34:05,334
Listen to you.
Desperately asking me if you sound desperate.
713
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:06,878
[PHONE RINGS]
714
00:34:07,044 --> 00:34:09,171
-Oh!
-Okay.
715
00:34:09,338 --> 00:34:13,509
Although you won't admit it,
you know that I know what I'm talking about.
716
00:34:13,676 --> 00:34:15,136
It's your call, dude.
717
00:34:15,219 --> 00:34:17,096
[♪♪♪]
718
00:34:17,179 --> 00:34:20,057
-Fine. What do I do?
-Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug."
719
00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:22,643
-Why would I--?
-Just do it.
720
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:24,395
Hey, Doug.
721
00:34:25,396 --> 00:34:27,148
Uh, no. This is Colin.
722
00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:31,110
-Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
-That's perfect.
723
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,613
Uh, who's Doug?
724
00:34:34,363 --> 00:34:36,490
-Who's Doug?
-He's just a guy I'm seeing.
725
00:34:36,657 --> 00:34:37,742
It's nothing serious.
726
00:34:37,909 --> 00:34:41,162
Just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
727
00:34:42,496 --> 00:34:44,457
Oh, okay.
728
00:34:44,624 --> 00:34:46,417
-Hang on a second.
-Hang on a second.
729
00:34:46,584 --> 00:34:48,169
Sure.
730
00:34:49,420 --> 00:34:51,505
-Now what?
-Now just make him wait.
731
00:34:51,672 --> 00:34:55,092
If he's still holding on after 30 more seconds,
you may actually have a chance.
732
00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:57,970
No one's gonna wait
for somebody they're trying to blow off.
733
00:34:58,137 --> 00:35:00,473
-You better be right about this.
-Just give me a little time,
734
00:35:00,556 --> 00:35:03,059
-I'm gonna make this guy your bitch.
-I don't want a bitch.
735
00:35:03,225 --> 00:35:04,644
Colin would never be a bitch.
736
00:35:04,810 --> 00:35:06,145
He is a well-rounded man
737
00:35:06,312 --> 00:35:09,857
capable of mature emotions
and deep, abiding love.
738
00:35:10,024 --> 00:35:12,985
-Things which you know not of.
-Maybe not.
739
00:35:13,152 --> 00:35:15,821
But I do know about lust,
seduction and manipulation.
740
00:35:15,988 --> 00:35:17,490
Things that you know not of.
741
00:35:19,158 --> 00:35:21,202
Abby, I'll make you a deal.
742
00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:23,955
If you do exactly as I say,
and you get this guy,
743
00:35:24,121 --> 00:35:26,624
then you'll quit giving me shit
and you'll work with me.
744
00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:30,461
You know as well as I do
that we could make this show huge.
745
00:35:30,628 --> 00:35:32,713
And if it doesn't work? What do I get?
746
00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:36,842
Then I'll quit.
747
00:35:37,009 --> 00:35:38,636
You're really that confident?
748
00:35:45,142 --> 00:35:46,727
It's been more than 30 seconds.
749
00:35:53,776 --> 00:35:55,444
All right, deal. Now what?
750
00:35:55,611 --> 00:35:57,738
Always make an impression.
751
00:35:57,905 --> 00:35:59,782
Let's get a move on.
We have work to do.
752
00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:03,411
-But what about the--?
-In five seconds, he'll call. Come on.
753
00:36:03,577 --> 00:36:05,955
What are you, Nostradamus?
754
00:36:06,122 --> 00:36:07,289
[PHONE RINGING]
755
00:36:07,456 --> 00:36:09,250
Amazing.
756
00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:10,710
[LAUGHS]
757
00:36:10,876 --> 00:36:13,754
Rule number one: never criticize.
758
00:36:13,921 --> 00:36:15,798
-Even if it's constructive?
-Never.
759
00:36:15,965 --> 00:36:19,010
Men are incapable of growth,
change or progress.
760
00:36:19,176 --> 00:36:22,304
For men, self-improvement
ends at toilet training.
761
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:23,848
[♪♪♪]
762
00:36:23,931 --> 00:36:26,851
And rule number two:
laugh at whatever he says.
763
00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:29,603
-What if what he says isn't funny?
-That's irrelevant.
764
00:36:29,770 --> 00:36:32,648
-A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm.
-A fake orgasm is good?
765
00:36:32,815 --> 00:36:35,818
No, but a fake orgasm
is better than no orgasm at all.
766
00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:38,612
-A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
-Only to you.
767
00:36:38,779 --> 00:36:41,615
You're not the only person in the room, you know.
Let's not be selfish.
768
00:36:41,782 --> 00:36:43,242
[LAUGHS]
769
00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:44,535
Now, that was perfect.
770
00:36:45,870 --> 00:36:48,247
-Real or fake?
-You'll never know.
771
00:36:48,414 --> 00:36:51,500
[NIKKA COSTA'S "EVERYBODY
GOT THEIR SOMETHING" PLAYING]
772
00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:54,962
Rule number three:
men are very visual.
773
00:36:55,129 --> 00:36:57,923
-We have to change your look.
-What's wrong with my look?
774
00:36:58,090 --> 00:37:02,636
Abby, you're a very attractive woman,
but you are completely inaccessible.
775
00:37:02,803 --> 00:37:04,680
You're all about comfort and efficiency.
776
00:37:04,764 --> 00:37:06,390
What's wrong with comfort and efficiency?
777
00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,518
Well, nothing,
except no one wants to fuck it.
778
00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:12,772
-Hello. May I be of assistance?
-Yes, you may.
779
00:37:12,938 --> 00:37:14,440
We need cocktail dresses,
780
00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:18,194
tight jeans and some bras
that'll make my friend's breasts
781
00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:21,238
-sit up and say hello.
-They're not saying hello now?
782
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:22,531
What are they saying?
783
00:37:22,740 --> 00:37:25,159
Actually, they're giving off
more of a passing nod
784
00:37:25,326 --> 00:37:27,828
rather than an outright greeting.
785
00:37:27,995 --> 00:37:30,164
You know what?
Why don't you try this on?
786
00:37:30,331 --> 00:37:34,627
-I think this would be wonderful.
-Ha-ha. Now, that is a bra.
787
00:37:34,794 --> 00:37:38,756
Boobies in this thing say,
"Put me in your mouth, I taste good."
788
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:42,009
I'm actually wearing one
right now as we speak.
789
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:45,721
MIKE:
Length is very important.
790
00:37:45,888 --> 00:37:51,602
We need short enough to see some thigh,
but not so short to see vag.
791
00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:54,772
-Vag says you're trying too hard.
-You think?
792
00:37:54,939 --> 00:37:57,274
Jeans are all about
the curvature of the ass.
793
00:37:57,441 --> 00:37:59,485
You've-- Well, you've got
the raw materials.
794
00:37:59,652 --> 00:38:01,737
Now all you need is
the proper presentation.
795
00:38:01,904 --> 00:38:05,241
-Did you just tell me I have a nice ass?
-Do you always have to be so crass?
796
00:38:05,407 --> 00:38:06,450
Oh! Jesus.
797
00:38:06,617 --> 00:38:09,328
Rule number four:
never talk about your problems,
798
00:38:09,495 --> 00:38:11,539
because men don't really listen or care.
799
00:38:11,705 --> 00:38:14,875
-Some men care.
-No, some men pretend to care.
800
00:38:15,042 --> 00:38:17,378
When we ask you how you're doing,
it's just guy code for:
801
00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:20,131
-"Let me stick my dick in your ass."
-Ugh!
802
00:38:20,214 --> 00:38:23,217
Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all,
but trust me, he's a guy.
803
00:38:23,384 --> 00:38:25,010
If he's even remotely into you,
804
00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:28,472
he's probably thought about
each one of your orifices at least 10 times.
805
00:38:28,639 --> 00:38:31,267
I love how you assume all men
are as perverse as you are.
806
00:38:31,433 --> 00:38:34,478
Oh, I don't assume. I know.
807
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:37,606
Wait. We need to make one more stop.
808
00:38:37,773 --> 00:38:40,776
-Why? I have tons of stuff.
-We have to make your hair longer.
809
00:38:40,943 --> 00:38:43,445
Men like something to grab onto
other than your ass.
810
00:38:43,612 --> 00:38:45,614
My hair is fine.
There's nothing wrong with my hair.
811
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:49,743
Abby, a ponytail implies that you are
either operating heavy machinery
812
00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:51,370
or emptying the litter box.
813
00:38:51,537 --> 00:38:53,664
Neither of those things inspires an erection.
814
00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:57,251
Why is it my responsibility to inspire an erection?
Why isn't that his job?
815
00:38:57,418 --> 00:38:58,460
MIKE:
Shut up.
816
00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:04,008
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
817
00:39:08,387 --> 00:39:11,182
[♪♪♪]
818
00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:21,609
Well? What do you think?
819
00:39:21,775 --> 00:39:25,154
-Uh... Not bad.
-I just--
820
00:39:25,321 --> 00:39:27,656
I don't wanna be perceived
as a bimbo. I mean...
821
00:39:27,823 --> 00:39:29,491
And I don't want you
to be a bimbo.
822
00:39:29,658 --> 00:39:32,620
You have to be two people:
the saint and the sinner.
823
00:39:32,786 --> 00:39:35,748
The librarian and the stripper.
824
00:39:36,373 --> 00:39:40,252
On the one hand, you have to
push the guy away with a cold indifference,
825
00:39:40,419 --> 00:39:44,715
on the other, you have to be
a sexually teasing tornado.
826
00:39:45,841 --> 00:39:48,636
-Now, we have to teach you flirting.
-I know how to flirt.
827
00:39:48,802 --> 00:39:50,095
You know how to flirt?
828
00:39:50,262 --> 00:39:53,098
"Oh, my name's Abby,
and I love reading Tolstoy.
829
00:39:53,265 --> 00:39:57,102
I also love cats, gardening,
and romantic picnics."
830
00:39:57,269 --> 00:39:58,520
I don't think so.
831
00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:00,773
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Hey, babe, you wearing any underwear?
832
00:40:00,856 --> 00:40:03,484
Hey, you know what?
I wouldn't say that, and I wouldn't grab ass.
833
00:40:03,651 --> 00:40:05,527
What's wrong
with a little ass-grabbing?
834
00:40:05,694 --> 00:40:08,197
I mean, what's it there for,
if for not me to grab it?
835
00:40:08,364 --> 00:40:10,866
You're just a set of orifices
and a pair of teetahs.
836
00:40:11,033 --> 00:40:15,329
And you are a deeply,
deeply disturbed person.
837
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:19,708
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Hm. Maybe I'm just a really good student.
838
00:40:20,084 --> 00:40:22,044
-Would you stop doing that?
-Doing what?
839
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:27,675
Running your finger down there. Over me.
840
00:40:27,841 --> 00:40:29,385
Why? Is it turning you on?
841
00:40:30,177 --> 00:40:31,428
[SCOFFS]
842
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:33,097
-Maybe.
-Ha.
843
00:40:34,139 --> 00:40:36,809
It's weird, I think I kind of like it.
844
00:40:37,059 --> 00:40:38,602
Really?
845
00:40:39,645 --> 00:40:40,854
-Sucker.
-Oh, I knew it.
846
00:40:41,021 --> 00:40:42,898
Okay, no teaching the teacher.
Come on.
847
00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:44,316
[KNOCKING]
848
00:40:44,483 --> 00:40:46,068
-Who is it?
COLIN: It's Colin.
849
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,945
I'm not ready for this. Am I ready for this?
850
00:40:48,112 --> 00:40:50,072
-I'm not ready for this.
-Calm down. Shh!
851
00:40:50,864 --> 00:40:53,325
Okay. Keep the conversation
under a minute. Now go.
852
00:40:53,492 --> 00:40:56,453
-Under a minute? Under a minute.
-Yes.
853
00:40:56,620 --> 00:40:59,707
No, wait, wait, wait.
Come here, come here.
854
00:40:59,873 --> 00:41:02,167
You're such an asshole.
855
00:41:03,836 --> 00:41:05,921
-Hi.
-Hey.
856
00:41:06,088 --> 00:41:08,716
-Wow, you look great.
ABBY: Oh, thanks.
857
00:41:08,882 --> 00:41:11,135
Yeah, I was just doing the dishes.
858
00:41:11,302 --> 00:41:13,554
-What happened to you today?
-What do you mean?
859
00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:15,639
Well, you put me on hold
and you never called back.
860
00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:18,475
-Oh, my God. Was that you?
-Yeah.
861
00:41:18,642 --> 00:41:20,769
-I'm so sorry.
-It's okay.
862
00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:24,773
Uh, Colin, would you mind actually
giving me a call a little bit later?
863
00:41:24,857 --> 00:41:26,775
I'm just so busy.
Gotta get back to those dishes.
864
00:41:26,942 --> 00:41:29,153
COLIN: Abby, wait.
-What now?
865
00:41:30,779 --> 00:41:33,324
No, that's good. Now make him suffer.
866
00:41:33,490 --> 00:41:34,825
Make him suffer. Suffer.
867
00:41:34,992 --> 00:41:37,077
COLIN:
Abby, I was wondering if you'd like to go
868
00:41:37,244 --> 00:41:39,246
to the Devils game
with me on Saturday.
869
00:41:40,831 --> 00:41:42,333
[♪♪♪]
870
00:41:46,211 --> 00:41:48,297
MAN:
Go, Comets.
871
00:41:49,631 --> 00:41:50,883
ANNOUNCER:
He delivers.
872
00:41:56,638 --> 00:42:00,559
MIKE [ON EARPIECE]: Okay, I have a visual.
Nod if you can hear me.
873
00:42:01,602 --> 00:42:04,313
Just relax. It's gonna be fine.
874
00:42:04,813 --> 00:42:09,318
Now, do exactly what I tell you,
and when I tell you to do it. Okay?
875
00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:14,615
-You follow baseball?
-Do something noncommittal.
876
00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:17,201
Eh. Ha-ha-ha.
877
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:18,452
You okay?
878
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,120
I'm fine.
879
00:42:20,287 --> 00:42:22,456
That was a little over the top,
but nice try.
880
00:42:22,623 --> 00:42:25,667
-Well, thanks.
-For what?
881
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:30,005
Ha-ha-ha, well, thanks for being you.
882
00:42:31,048 --> 00:42:32,591
You're welcome.
883
00:42:32,758 --> 00:42:34,843
[CROWD CHEERING]
884
00:42:42,142 --> 00:42:43,185
COLIN:
Excuse me.
885
00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:47,523
Oh, my God.
You're Mike Chadway.
886
00:42:47,689 --> 00:42:48,941
I love you.
887
00:42:49,108 --> 00:42:51,443
-Hey, buddy, what the hell?
-Dude, what the fuck?
888
00:42:51,610 --> 00:42:53,278
-Dude, what the fuck?
-What?
889
00:42:53,445 --> 00:42:55,239
No, no, no. I'm not talking to you.
890
00:42:55,406 --> 00:42:58,242
-I'm not talking to you.
-Okay, did I do something wrong?
891
00:42:58,325 --> 00:43:00,285
[GROANING]
892
00:43:00,369 --> 00:43:04,790
No, stop. Listen.
Tell him you saw him looking at another girl.
893
00:43:04,957 --> 00:43:08,293
I saw you--
I saw you looking at another girl.
894
00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:11,296
-Who?
-That girl, right there.
895
00:43:11,463 --> 00:43:13,841
I was trying to get us
a couple hot dogs.
896
00:43:14,007 --> 00:43:16,760
-Oh. Okay.
-Two. Thank you.
897
00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:21,098
Okay, we need a quick recovery. Um...
898
00:43:21,598 --> 00:43:26,854
Make sure you put the hot dog
in your mouth nice and slowly.
899
00:43:29,189 --> 00:43:33,193
Men like watching penis-shaped food
go into a girl's mouth.
900
00:43:33,944 --> 00:43:35,821
-Oh!
-Oh!
901
00:43:36,029 --> 00:43:37,156
I'm so sorry.
902
00:43:37,322 --> 00:43:39,450
-Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.
-No, it's okay. Really.
903
00:43:39,616 --> 00:43:41,827
You know, I can get this out.
I'm sure I can.
904
00:43:41,994 --> 00:43:44,121
-What kind of fabric is this?
-I don't know. Cotton?
905
00:43:44,204 --> 00:43:46,957
Cotton. Ooh. Cotton's the worst.
Well, actually, leather's the worst.
906
00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:48,041
[CROWD HOOTING]
907
00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:49,835
-After that would be suede.
-Okay.
908
00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:51,753
ABBY: I still think I can get it out.
MIKE: Abby.
909
00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:53,505
ABBY:
Oh, look, hold on. It's coming!
910
00:43:57,134 --> 00:43:59,845
[CROWD CHEERING]
911
00:44:03,557 --> 00:44:05,476
-Where?
-There. Right there.
912
00:44:05,642 --> 00:44:08,395
Abby? Abby, you might
want to look up.
913
00:44:13,817 --> 00:44:15,861
Way to go, Abby.
914
00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:21,492
Okay, I got you. I'm in position.
915
00:44:21,658 --> 00:44:24,244
COLIN: Can't say today was boring.
-You're being nice.
916
00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:26,705
-I embarrassed you.
-No.
917
00:44:26,872 --> 00:44:29,249
You're just not what I'm used to.
918
00:44:29,791 --> 00:44:32,544
-I know.
-No, actually, it's a good thing.
919
00:44:32,711 --> 00:44:35,297
I'm used to women
I can figure out in five seconds.
920
00:44:35,464 --> 00:44:37,341
But I can't do that with you.
921
00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:41,261
He's an idiot.
I figured you out in two.
922
00:44:41,428 --> 00:44:43,931
Now, tell him good night
and stick your tits out.
923
00:44:44,097 --> 00:44:47,976
-We're gonna give this one last shot.
-Well, good night, then.
924
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:01,531
That definitely made up for my wet crotch.
925
00:45:01,698 --> 00:45:05,035
Me too. No, scratch that.
I didn't have one.
926
00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:06,620
Yeah.
927
00:45:07,162 --> 00:45:08,413
-I'll see you later.
-Yeah.
928
00:45:08,580 --> 00:45:09,623
-Okay.
-Bye.
929
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:11,208
Bye.
930
00:45:13,919 --> 00:45:16,171
-Night.
-Night.
931
00:45:20,384 --> 00:45:21,510
[DOOR CLOSES]
932
00:45:25,347 --> 00:45:27,516
You did it! You did it! You did it!
933
00:45:27,683 --> 00:45:29,059
-I didn't do anything.
-You did!
934
00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:30,269
-It was you.
-No.
935
00:45:30,435 --> 00:45:33,272
I mean, don't ask me why,
but I think he likes you.
936
00:45:33,438 --> 00:45:36,358
-He's such a great guy, right?
-Yeah, he's dreamy.
937
00:45:36,525 --> 00:45:39,319
Yeah. And he fits all 10
of the criteria on my checklist.
938
00:45:39,486 --> 00:45:41,363
Right. Though weren't items
one through nine
939
00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:44,283
something to do with him
pretty much being gay?
940
00:45:44,783 --> 00:45:48,036
I'm gonna ignore that,
because I am in such a good mood.
941
00:45:48,203 --> 00:45:51,790
Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
942
00:45:54,501 --> 00:45:56,503
[♪♪♪]
943
00:46:03,218 --> 00:46:05,137
Of all the primates,
bonobo monkeys
944
00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:07,514
are the closest relatives
to human beings
945
00:46:07,681 --> 00:46:09,766
both genetically and socially.
946
00:46:09,933 --> 00:46:12,352
Especially when
it comes to sex.
947
00:46:12,519 --> 00:46:14,563
They use sex
as a way to end an argument.
948
00:46:14,730 --> 00:46:16,982
One of my favorite techniques as well.
949
00:46:17,149 --> 00:46:19,484
In fact, when they come upon
a new food source,
950
00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:22,321
they have a gangbang
in order to decrease tension...
951
00:46:22,487 --> 00:46:24,698
-Small person on-set.
-Thanks.
952
00:46:24,865 --> 00:46:27,159
MIKE:
Which is something we humans should look into.
953
00:46:27,326 --> 00:46:29,578
No, no, no. This is not for children.
954
00:46:29,745 --> 00:46:31,538
It's okay. I know him.
955
00:46:31,705 --> 00:46:32,748
-You do?
-Yeah.
956
00:46:32,914 --> 00:46:35,459
MIKE: ...sit on their asses all day
and boss their men around.
957
00:46:36,126 --> 00:46:39,504
Sounds like a great argument
for evolution if you ask me.
958
00:46:39,671 --> 00:46:42,049
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
959
00:46:42,215 --> 00:46:43,759
MAN:
And we're out.
960
00:46:43,967 --> 00:46:47,554
-Heh-heh. Great job, Mike.
-Thank you. See you guys later.
961
00:46:48,096 --> 00:46:51,767
Yeah, I've got an adult male
bonobo monkey in my pants.
962
00:46:51,933 --> 00:46:53,518
I'd like to see that.
963
00:46:54,686 --> 00:46:56,229
Hey. What are you doing here?
964
00:46:56,396 --> 00:46:59,900
I told you no watching the show, especially live.
965
00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:01,902
JONAH:
I need some emergency advice.
966
00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:04,404
Tracy McIvor asked me
to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
967
00:47:04,571 --> 00:47:06,448
Is it dorky if I say yes?
968
00:47:06,948 --> 00:47:08,075
Dorky?
969
00:47:08,241 --> 00:47:10,660
Hell, no. Are you kidding?
970
00:47:10,827 --> 00:47:14,039
You're ahead of the game.
Women are coming to you.
971
00:47:14,206 --> 00:47:16,625
You know how cool that is?
972
00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:19,127
Relish this moment, okay?
973
00:47:19,294 --> 00:47:21,588
Now, get the hell out of here.
I'll see you at 5.
974
00:47:21,755 --> 00:47:22,881
-Okay.
-We'll celebrate.
975
00:47:23,048 --> 00:47:24,925
JONAH:
Don't forget the pizza, King Kong.
976
00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:27,260
Hey, have I ever?
977
00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:29,429
He lives with you?
978
00:47:29,596 --> 00:47:32,682
Well, next door, with my sister.
979
00:47:32,849 --> 00:47:34,393
-Oh.
-He's my nephew.
980
00:47:34,559 --> 00:47:35,602
Oh.
981
00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:37,270
-Cute kid.
-Yeah.
982
00:47:37,437 --> 00:47:39,648
Here, do me.
983
00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:41,358
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
984
00:47:41,525 --> 00:47:43,068
-Okay. So guess what.
-What?
985
00:47:43,235 --> 00:47:46,238
Colin called, he wants to get together again.
986
00:47:47,906 --> 00:47:49,074
Oh, Lord.
987
00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:53,286
So how long should I wait
to have sex with him?
988
00:47:53,453 --> 00:47:55,414
Well, the more you
make him beg for it,
989
00:47:55,580 --> 00:47:57,749
the more you're gonna
keep him on the hook.
990
00:47:57,916 --> 00:48:00,669
So do everything else but.
991
00:48:00,836 --> 00:48:04,381
But then show him
992
00:48:04,548 --> 00:48:07,759
that beneath that control-freak exterior of yours,
993
00:48:07,926 --> 00:48:11,304
that there's a sexual deviant
waiting to be unleashed.
994
00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:14,808
No. No, I'm not
a sexual deviant. Mm-mm.
995
00:48:14,975 --> 00:48:16,226
Good point.
996
00:48:16,393 --> 00:48:19,187
I'm guessing you've been
out of practice for, what, a year?
997
00:48:19,354 --> 00:48:20,772
No.
998
00:48:21,648 --> 00:48:23,567
-Eleven months.
-God.
999
00:48:23,733 --> 00:48:26,153
Eleven months.
How do you live? Come on.
1000
00:48:26,319 --> 00:48:27,863
[♪♪♪]
1001
00:48:28,029 --> 00:48:30,365
So how often do you, uh...?
1002
00:48:30,532 --> 00:48:32,159
Do I what?
1003
00:48:32,659 --> 00:48:34,953
-Do I what?
-You know...
1004
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:38,498
-flick the bean?
-What bean?
1005
00:48:38,665 --> 00:48:41,501
-Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
-Oh!
1006
00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:43,753
Gross! That's what you call it?
What is wrong with you?
1007
00:48:43,837 --> 00:48:45,922
No, well, actually,
I call it masturbating,
1008
00:48:46,089 --> 00:48:50,302
but I thought that might offend
your delicate ladylike sensibilities.
1009
00:48:51,052 --> 00:48:53,388
-So how often do you flick it?
-I don't know.
1010
00:48:53,555 --> 00:48:54,806
How often do you flick it?
1011
00:48:54,973 --> 00:48:58,226
You're only asking me that
so you can picture me flicking mine
1012
00:48:58,393 --> 00:48:59,853
-while you flick yours.
-Oh, no.
1013
00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:03,315
I would never picture you while I do that,
which is not something I do.
1014
00:49:03,482 --> 00:49:05,484
-I don't do that, not ever.
-Yes, you would.
1015
00:49:05,650 --> 00:49:07,152
-No. No. No.
-Never?
1016
00:49:07,319 --> 00:49:09,654
I find it impersonal.
1017
00:49:09,821 --> 00:49:12,824
Abby, what could be more personal
than you flicking your bean?
1018
00:49:12,991 --> 00:49:16,119
-I just don't see myself that way, okay?
-Okay, well, I do.
1019
00:49:16,286 --> 00:49:17,621
Come here.
1020
00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:20,665
Well, you better start.
1021
00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:24,920
Because if you don't wanna have sex with you,
why the hell would Colin?
1022
00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:42,103
What is this?
1023
00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:44,272
What is this, baby?
1024
00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:46,316
What?
1025
00:49:46,399 --> 00:49:47,275
[CAT MEOWS]
1026
00:49:47,359 --> 00:49:48,401
What, baby?
1027
00:49:48,485 --> 00:49:50,737
[♪♪♪]
1028
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:56,284
What is this?
What is this, D'Artagnan?
1029
00:49:58,036 --> 00:49:59,621
"Astrea 1."
1030
00:50:01,748 --> 00:50:05,418
Oh. "Vibrating brief." Wow.
1031
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:15,178
[PHONE RINGS]
1032
00:50:23,478 --> 00:50:25,021
Great.
1033
00:50:34,656 --> 00:50:37,576
[♪♪♪]
1034
00:51:04,769 --> 00:51:06,730
[DOORBELL RINGS]
1035
00:51:06,896 --> 00:51:09,065
He said he was running late.
1036
00:51:09,482 --> 00:51:12,027
What is he doing here already?
1037
00:51:22,746 --> 00:51:25,123
-Good, you're ready.
-For what?
1038
00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:26,541
The dinner with corporate.
1039
00:51:26,708 --> 00:51:28,209
-Didn't you get my e-mail?
-No.
1040
00:51:28,376 --> 00:51:30,670
And I can't. I have a date with Colin.
1041
00:51:31,171 --> 00:51:33,006
You can't go because you have a date?
1042
00:51:33,173 --> 00:51:35,759
You have no idea
how hard those are for her to get.
1043
00:51:38,553 --> 00:51:40,430
Well, then let's pick him up on the way.
1044
00:51:40,597 --> 00:51:44,476
-Come on, let's go. Right now.
MIKE: Come on. Come on, let's go.
1045
00:51:45,894 --> 00:51:47,854
Sorry to hijack your date, brother.
1046
00:51:48,021 --> 00:51:50,273
No worries. You're a producer as well?
1047
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,734
No, dude, I'm the talent.
1048
00:51:52,901 --> 00:51:54,778
So you're an anchor, then?
1049
00:51:54,944 --> 00:51:57,405
No, I do The Ugly Truth.
1050
00:51:57,572 --> 00:52:00,492
-Hasn't he ever seen our show?
-Come on, Stuart.
1051
00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:03,703
Our show's way too low-brow for Colin.
1052
00:52:03,870 --> 00:52:07,582
-He's a doctor.
-Yes, that's right, he is.
1053
00:52:07,749 --> 00:52:11,127
He doesn't wanna hear about things like
implants and oral sex.
1054
00:52:11,294 --> 00:52:14,339
-You talk about oral sex?
-Oh, look, we're here.
1055
00:52:14,506 --> 00:52:16,716
[♪♪♪]
1056
00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:20,720
-You invited the Jell-O twins?
-Yeah. I thought it was good thinking.
1057
00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:22,472
Well, it certainly can't hurt.
1058
00:52:22,639 --> 00:52:25,934
Ladies, you look quite fetching.
1059
00:52:29,562 --> 00:52:32,107
STUART: Hey, hey, the gang's all here.
BOB: Hey.
1060
00:52:32,273 --> 00:52:34,401
-Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
-Hi. And this is--
1061
00:52:34,567 --> 00:52:36,069
BOB:
And we all know Mike Chadway.
1062
00:52:36,236 --> 00:52:38,071
And who are these lovely ladies?
1063
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:41,282
Something tells me we won't be
talking about the news tonight.
1064
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:42,701
HAROLD:
That's right.
1065
00:52:42,867 --> 00:52:44,160
[LAUGHING]
1066
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:45,453
STUART:
Our table's waiting. Shall we?
1067
00:52:45,620 --> 00:52:46,788
Come this way.
1068
00:52:46,955 --> 00:52:50,750
-Mike, you're doing a hell of a job.
MIKE: Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
1069
00:52:50,917 --> 00:52:52,127
[ALL LAUGHING]
1070
00:52:52,293 --> 00:52:54,295
BOB: That's a good one, huh?
STUART: That is funny.
1071
00:52:54,379 --> 00:52:55,922
HAROLD:
Thank you.
1072
00:52:59,092 --> 00:53:00,385
[MIKE DRUMS HANDS ON TABLE]
1073
00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:03,346
So you guys here
to give me a raise or what?
1074
00:53:05,932 --> 00:53:07,016
Ow!
1075
00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:08,351
[MEN LAUGHING]
1076
00:53:08,852 --> 00:53:12,230
Oh, that's my guy,
always with the jokes.
1077
00:53:12,313 --> 00:53:14,315
[♪♪♪]
1078
00:53:15,024 --> 00:53:16,401
Yeah.
1079
00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:19,612
ABBY:
Yeah. Right.
1080
00:53:19,779 --> 00:53:23,825
No, really, we are very excited
about this year's rating increases.
1081
00:53:23,908 --> 00:53:25,994
And we're hoping
that in the next quarter, we can-- Oh!
1082
00:53:26,077 --> 00:53:27,120
[BUZZING]
1083
00:53:27,287 --> 00:53:28,747
-Oh, God.
-What's wrong?
1084
00:53:28,913 --> 00:53:30,415
Nothing. Nothing.
1085
00:53:33,501 --> 00:53:35,920
Um... Could you excuse me?
1086
00:53:36,421 --> 00:53:38,965
-Shit.
-Sorry, she's...
1087
00:53:39,048 --> 00:53:41,050
[BUZZING CONTINUES]
1088
00:53:42,886 --> 00:53:46,389
-What are you doing?
-I'm looking for the remote.
1089
00:53:46,556 --> 00:53:48,767
-What remote?
-For the-- Oh!
1090
00:53:50,935 --> 00:53:53,146
The underwear.
1091
00:53:53,938 --> 00:53:58,276
-What? You're wearing them now?
-Unh...
1092
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,111
Oh! Wow.
1093
00:54:00,278 --> 00:54:01,488
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
1094
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:05,533
Yeah.
1095
00:54:05,700 --> 00:54:07,285
[BUZZING CONTINUES]
1096
00:54:07,452 --> 00:54:12,123
Mm. This ceviche, it's so good.
1097
00:54:12,874 --> 00:54:16,961
Quite possibly the best I have ever tasted. Oh.
1098
00:54:17,045 --> 00:54:20,048
-Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef for the recipe.
STUART: Abby, uh, hold on.
1099
00:54:20,131 --> 00:54:23,134
Uh... Tell Harold about
the new teaser campaign
1100
00:54:23,301 --> 00:54:26,137
we're starting next week.
You're gonna love this.
1101
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:28,765
ABBY:
Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
1102
00:54:33,019 --> 00:54:37,357
Well, they're 15 seconds
1103
00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:41,069
every hour, on the hour.
1104
00:54:41,653 --> 00:54:43,530
Yep. Yep, yep.
1105
00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:47,700
They're so...
1106
00:54:47,867 --> 00:54:50,078
So...
1107
00:54:50,245 --> 00:54:53,456
You tell them, Mike.
You should tell them. Yes, yes.
1108
00:54:53,623 --> 00:54:54,791
Yes, you tell them.
1109
00:54:55,291 --> 00:54:59,879
Actually, I was really enjoying the way
you were telling them. It was great.
1110
00:55:01,589 --> 00:55:03,925
You were-- You were telling them.
1111
00:55:04,843 --> 00:55:06,344
What's in ceviche?
1112
00:55:09,764 --> 00:55:11,349
They're, um--
1113
00:55:11,516 --> 00:55:14,394
They're unlike anything
you have ever felt.
1114
00:55:14,561 --> 00:55:15,728
Amazing.
1115
00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:17,438
And they're of--
1116
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:20,066
Of Mike telling an ugly truth,
1117
00:55:20,233 --> 00:55:21,526
and they are just so--
1118
00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:24,070
So cutting-edge.
1119
00:55:24,237 --> 00:55:25,613
[BUZZES FASTER]
1120
00:55:25,780 --> 00:55:27,866
So-- So fantastic. So fantastic!
1121
00:55:28,032 --> 00:55:30,076
Oh, God! Oh, it's so, so great!
1122
00:55:30,243 --> 00:55:34,414
Oh, God. Yeah!
You're gonna love them. Oh...
1123
00:55:36,541 --> 00:55:39,335
Well, gotta love her enthusiasm, right?
1124
00:55:42,839 --> 00:55:48,511
I'm gonna use the restroom,
if you'll excuse me.
1125
00:55:51,514 --> 00:55:54,309
Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
1126
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:57,562
Did you know
he had it the whole time?
1127
00:55:57,729 --> 00:56:00,940
Not the whole time,
just part of the time.
1128
00:56:01,107 --> 00:56:04,235
-I figured I should let you finish.
-How kind.
1129
00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:08,114
So thanks for coming tonight.
To dinner.
1130
00:56:08,281 --> 00:56:10,408
-That kind of coming.
-Mm-hm.
1131
00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:17,248
He likes you, by the way. Colin.
1132
00:56:17,832 --> 00:56:20,251
-I can tell.
-Really?
1133
00:56:20,418 --> 00:56:22,420
COLIN: We ready to go?
-Yeah.
1134
00:56:22,587 --> 00:56:24,589
-I know Abby is.
-Great.
1135
00:56:24,756 --> 00:56:26,341
Let's go.
1136
00:56:26,507 --> 00:56:29,052
-Take care. Thanks.
-Okay.
1137
00:56:29,218 --> 00:56:32,013
[♪♪♪]
1138
00:56:35,934 --> 00:56:38,895
-Well, that went well, I think.
-Sure did.
1139
00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:40,271
-Yeah.
-Let's get a drink.
1140
00:56:40,438 --> 00:56:41,898
Bob and Harold...
1141
00:56:44,400 --> 00:56:47,320
[NATASHA BEDINGFIELD'S
"POCKETFUL OF SUNSHINE" PLAYING]
1142
00:56:47,487 --> 00:56:49,614
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
1143
00:56:53,034 --> 00:56:55,036
♪ Do what you want
But you're never gonna break me ♪
1144
00:56:55,119 --> 00:56:57,288
♪ Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me ♪
1145
00:56:57,372 --> 00:56:58,456
♪ No ♪
1146
00:57:00,833 --> 00:57:03,002
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1147
00:57:03,086 --> 00:57:05,171
-♪ A secret place ♪
-♪ A secret place ♪
1148
00:57:05,254 --> 00:57:07,382
-♪ A sweet escape ♪
-♪ A sweet escape ♪
1149
00:57:07,465 --> 00:57:09,592
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1150
00:57:09,676 --> 00:57:11,678
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1151
00:57:11,761 --> 00:57:13,930
-♪ To better days ♪
-♪ To better days ♪
1152
00:57:14,013 --> 00:57:16,099
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1153
00:57:16,182 --> 00:57:19,102
-♪ A hiding place ♪
-♪ A hiding place ♪
1154
00:57:19,185 --> 00:57:21,354
♪ I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine ♪
1155
00:57:21,437 --> 00:57:23,481
♪ I got a love, and I know that it's all mine ♪
1156
00:57:23,564 --> 00:57:24,440
♪ Oh ♪
1157
00:57:26,067 --> 00:57:27,819
♪ Got a love, got a love that is all mine ♪
1158
00:57:27,902 --> 00:57:30,029
♪ Do what you want
But you're never gonna break me ♪
1159
00:57:30,113 --> 00:57:32,407
♪ Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me ♪
1160
00:57:32,490 --> 00:57:33,574
♪ No ♪
1161
00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:36,536
♪ Never gonna shake me ♪
1162
00:57:36,619 --> 00:57:38,955
♪ Wish that you could
But you ain't gonna own me ♪
1163
00:57:39,038 --> 00:57:40,915
♪ Do anything you can to control me ♪
1164
00:57:40,999 --> 00:57:42,166
♪ No ♪
1165
00:57:43,418 --> 00:57:44,585
♪ You can't control me ♪
1166
00:57:44,669 --> 00:57:46,671
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1167
00:57:46,754 --> 00:57:48,965
-♪ A secret place ♪
-♪ A secret place ♪
1168
00:57:49,048 --> 00:57:51,134
-♪ A sweet escape ♪
-♪ A sweet escape ♪
1169
00:57:51,217 --> 00:57:53,261
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1170
00:57:53,344 --> 00:57:55,430
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1171
00:57:55,513 --> 00:57:57,765
-♪ To better days ♪
-♪ To better days ♪
1172
00:57:57,849 --> 00:58:00,101
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1173
00:58:00,184 --> 00:58:02,770
-♪ A hiding place ♪
-♪ A hiding place ♪
1174
00:58:07,608 --> 00:58:09,902
♪ The sun is on my side ♪
1175
00:58:09,986 --> 00:58:11,863
♪ Take me for a ride ♪
1176
00:58:11,946 --> 00:58:14,073
♪ I smile up to the sky ♪
1177
00:58:14,157 --> 00:58:16,284
♪ I know I'll be all right ♪
1178
00:58:16,367 --> 00:58:18,578
♪ The sun is on my side ♪
1179
00:58:18,661 --> 00:58:20,288
♪ Take me for a ride ♪
1180
00:58:20,371 --> 00:58:25,126
-Oh, my God. For me?
-Oh, my God, he sent you flowers!
1181
00:58:26,044 --> 00:58:28,129
[SHRIEKING]
1182
00:58:28,212 --> 00:58:30,465
-♪ A sweet escape ♪
-♪ A sweet escape ♪
1183
00:58:30,548 --> 00:58:32,550
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1184
00:58:32,633 --> 00:58:34,761
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1185
00:58:34,844 --> 00:58:36,929
-♪ A secret place ♪
-♪ A secret place ♪
1186
00:58:37,013 --> 00:58:39,182
-♪ To better days ♪
-♪ To better days ♪
1187
00:58:39,265 --> 00:58:41,392
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪
1188
00:58:41,476 --> 00:58:44,103
-♪ Take me away ♪
-♪ Take me away ♪♪
1189
00:58:45,104 --> 00:58:48,358
Uh-huh. Okay.
Just conference me when you get ahold of her.
1190
00:58:48,524 --> 00:58:51,944
Okay, bye. All right, so we have
the balloon festival coming up
1191
00:58:52,111 --> 00:58:54,697
and I thought for sweeps,
it might be nice to do a segment
1192
00:58:54,864 --> 00:58:56,532
on how men are full of hot air.
1193
00:58:56,616 --> 00:58:59,786
-Mm. No.
-Right? It's good, right?
1194
00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:01,871
No. Well, we should
still do some stuff on location,
1195
00:59:01,954 --> 00:59:04,791
because you're great
when you're interacting with people.
1196
00:59:04,957 --> 00:59:07,502
I'm sorry, did you just
say I'm great?
1197
00:59:09,170 --> 00:59:11,672
Yeah, you kind of are.
1198
00:59:12,423 --> 00:59:15,343
-Hm. Back at you, babe.
-Hm.
1199
00:59:17,261 --> 00:59:19,097
So tell me this.
1200
00:59:19,263 --> 00:59:22,892
Why hasn't some fancy New York show
stolen you away?
1201
00:59:23,059 --> 00:59:26,104
Oh, I much prefer Sacramento
to New York.
1202
00:59:27,146 --> 00:59:30,650
Come on. You just like
being a big fish in a little pond.
1203
00:59:30,817 --> 00:59:33,611
No. No.
1204
00:59:33,778 --> 00:59:39,158
And Sacramento isn't really a pond,
it's more of a lake, or even an estuary.
1205
00:59:39,700 --> 00:59:42,286
And it's a great place
to raise a family.
1206
00:59:42,453 --> 00:59:43,788
Really good school system.
1207
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:46,707
The parks are clean
and well-maintained and safe.
1208
00:59:46,874 --> 00:59:50,586
And there's a much lower divorce rate
here than there is in New York.
1209
00:59:56,843 --> 00:59:58,010
[SIGHS]
1210
00:59:58,177 --> 00:59:59,512
Yes, well...
1211
00:59:59,679 --> 01:00:03,015
Thank God Colin
would never be into a woman like that.
1212
01:00:03,182 --> 01:00:06,644
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Colin only likes women of quality, huh?
1213
01:00:06,811 --> 01:00:09,355
That's a trait to be admired,
not mocked, man-whore.
1214
01:00:09,522 --> 01:00:13,067
Man-whore?
Why am I a man-whore?
1215
01:00:13,234 --> 01:00:15,695
I've seen you with the
Funbag Twins, remember?
1216
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:16,988
Saw me what?
1217
01:00:17,155 --> 01:00:20,366
What, you saw me introduce them
to some network executives?
1218
01:00:20,533 --> 01:00:23,578
They wanna be actresses, baby.
I mean, who am I to kill their dream?
1219
01:00:23,744 --> 01:00:25,496
[LAUGHS]
1220
01:00:25,997 --> 01:00:29,292
Such a generous man. Now, you're telling me
you've never slept with them?
1221
01:00:29,459 --> 01:00:32,336
-Well, no, I didn't say that.
-That's my point.
1222
01:00:32,503 --> 01:00:35,047
Men, or man-whores,
1223
01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:39,594
prefer women in slutty clothes
who suck lots of cock.
1224
01:00:39,760 --> 01:00:41,721
Every man wants that.
1225
01:00:41,888 --> 01:00:45,099
And for your information,
I only slept with the one who could read.
1226
01:00:46,184 --> 01:00:48,644
Wait a second,
did you just say "cock"?
1227
01:00:49,145 --> 01:00:51,147
Yes. Yes, I did.
1228
01:00:51,314 --> 01:00:53,941
I can say "cock."
You don't own the word. Cock.
1229
01:00:54,108 --> 01:00:56,319
Cock, cock, cock.
1230
01:00:56,486 --> 01:00:58,362
Okay, I got it.
1231
01:00:58,529 --> 01:01:01,324
A week ago, you were crying
at the thought of a vibrator.
1232
01:01:01,407 --> 01:01:03,743
Now you're, "cock this, cock that,
cock, cock, cock."
1233
01:01:07,580 --> 01:01:11,417
-You slept with Colin, didn't you?
-No. No.
1234
01:01:11,584 --> 01:01:12,668
[LAUGHS]
1235
01:01:12,835 --> 01:01:15,171
We didn't. We're saving that for this weekend.
1236
01:01:15,338 --> 01:01:17,715
He's taking me to Lake Tahoe.
1237
01:01:18,758 --> 01:01:20,426
[♪♪♪]
1238
01:01:20,593 --> 01:01:23,012
Wow. Huh.
1239
01:01:24,597 --> 01:01:26,224
Wow.
1240
01:01:28,142 --> 01:01:29,685
Well...
1241
01:01:29,977 --> 01:01:33,064
here's to overturning
assumptions, huh?
1242
01:01:34,565 --> 01:01:38,569
I'm really a man of discriminating taste
and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
1243
01:01:38,736 --> 01:01:40,696
Thank you.
1244
01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:46,077
MIKE:
So there you have it.
1245
01:01:46,244 --> 01:01:50,206
Never assume a girl is easy
or assume she's a prude.
1246
01:01:50,373 --> 01:01:52,208
There are many layers in between.
1247
01:01:52,375 --> 01:01:55,586
And it's your job, gentlemen,
to peel back those layers
1248
01:01:55,753 --> 01:01:59,715
and figure out exactly what type
of woman you're dealing with.
1249
01:02:00,299 --> 01:02:01,884
That sounded
almost enlightened.
1250
01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:05,555
Because once you do peel back
those layers, my friends,
1251
01:02:05,721 --> 01:02:09,016
-her lady garden awaits.
-And he's back.
1252
01:02:09,183 --> 01:02:13,396
And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
wanna fertilize that patch of petunias.
1253
01:02:13,563 --> 01:02:16,607
Well, thanks, Mike.
1254
01:02:16,774 --> 01:02:19,986
Coming up after this message,
Javier tells us if your petunias
1255
01:02:20,069 --> 01:02:22,280
are gonna see any rainfall
this weekend.
1256
01:02:22,446 --> 01:02:24,782
I sure hope mine do.
1257
01:02:24,949 --> 01:02:27,118
I wanna go home,
but let's go over the script right now.
1258
01:02:27,285 --> 01:02:29,620
Yeah, let's get it done really quickly.
1259
01:02:30,580 --> 01:02:33,291
-I'm turned on with the layers.
-Want to see these layers?
1260
01:02:33,833 --> 01:02:35,418
-There he is.
MIKE: Hey, what's up?
1261
01:02:35,585 --> 01:02:37,545
Good news.
You're not gonna believe this.
1262
01:02:37,712 --> 01:02:39,880
-What?
-I got you on The Late Late Show
1263
01:02:40,047 --> 01:02:42,925
with Craig Ferguson.
They want you as his guest.
1264
01:02:43,092 --> 01:02:44,844
Craig Ferguson wants me
on his show?
1265
01:02:45,011 --> 01:02:46,053
Yeah.
1266
01:02:46,220 --> 01:02:47,888
-You're shitting me.
-I am not shitting you.
1267
01:02:48,055 --> 01:02:49,849
-Oh, yeah.
-We made it.
1268
01:02:50,016 --> 01:02:51,684
[LAUGHING]
1269
01:02:51,851 --> 01:02:53,436
Yes!
1270
01:02:54,020 --> 01:02:56,105
Hi. Who are you?
1271
01:02:56,272 --> 01:02:57,315
Oh, this is Rick.
1272
01:02:57,481 --> 01:02:59,233
-I'm his agent.
-Yeah.
1273
01:02:59,734 --> 01:03:02,612
Since when do you have an agent?
And since when is it okay
1274
01:03:02,778 --> 01:03:05,364
to book Late Night
without the producer's approval?
1275
01:03:05,531 --> 01:03:07,992
Actually, it's Late Late.
It's two "lates."
1276
01:03:08,159 --> 01:03:11,829
And since he became the hottest personality
on morning TV.
1277
01:03:11,996 --> 01:03:16,000
-Have you seen this guy's ratings?
-Yes. Yes, I have.
1278
01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:18,127
Yeah, okay.
Anyways, you leave tonight.
1279
01:03:18,294 --> 01:03:19,462
-Okay.
-It's all set.
1280
01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:23,507
MIKE: How cool is this?
RICK: Come on, let's go.
1281
01:03:23,674 --> 01:03:24,884
GEORGIA:
Oh, my God!
1282
01:03:30,723 --> 01:03:32,224
Joy said you wanted to see me?
1283
01:03:32,391 --> 01:03:34,560
I just found out that
Mike's being offered a job
1284
01:03:34,727 --> 01:03:37,897
at a CBS affiliate in San Francisco
at twice the pay.
1285
01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:39,982
Craig Ferguson is his audition.
1286
01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:42,068
-You can't be serious.
-Oh, I'm serious.
1287
01:03:42,234 --> 01:03:44,779
If Bob and Harold find out about this,
we're dead.
1288
01:03:44,945 --> 01:03:47,615
Now, I need you to fly out there
and talk him out of it.
1289
01:03:47,782 --> 01:03:49,533
I'm going to Lake Tahoe this weekend.
1290
01:03:49,700 --> 01:03:51,327
Just don't let him know
that you know beforehand.
1291
01:03:51,494 --> 01:03:54,205
Go ahead and let him do the show,
and get us our publicity,
1292
01:03:54,372 --> 01:03:57,249
and then convince him
that he needs to sign on with us
1293
01:03:57,416 --> 01:04:00,461
for the next three years.
That's all we can do.
1294
01:04:00,628 --> 01:04:03,923
[♪♪♪]
1295
01:04:10,680 --> 01:04:13,849
ABBY: Stuart, I'm pulling up.
I'm gonna try to catch him before he goes. Okay.
1296
01:04:13,933 --> 01:04:15,393
I'll call you back.
1297
01:04:17,478 --> 01:04:19,313
Thank you.
1298
01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:21,524
Hello, little stupid penis face.
1299
01:04:21,691 --> 01:04:23,859
You'd be on cable access
if it weren't for me.
1300
01:04:24,026 --> 01:04:28,030
-Here you wanna move to CBS.
MAN: Is everything okay, miss?
1301
01:04:28,197 --> 01:04:31,450
Yes, I'm just--
I'm practicing my speech.
1302
01:04:33,035 --> 01:04:36,872
Abby? What are you doing here?
I thought you were going to Tahoe.
1303
01:04:37,248 --> 01:04:39,125
You couldn't spend a day
without me, could you?
1304
01:04:39,291 --> 01:04:43,337
Oh, yes. I just can't get enough
of your sparkling wit and charm.
1305
01:04:43,504 --> 01:04:46,424
Stuart thought you needed a producer
more than I needed to get laid.
1306
01:04:46,590 --> 01:04:48,926
So come on, I gotta check in.
We leave in five minutes.
1307
01:04:49,093 --> 01:04:50,636
Wow.
1308
01:04:50,803 --> 01:04:53,347
Five minutes. Ticktock, ticktock.
1309
01:04:53,514 --> 01:04:54,807
MIKE:
Yes, dear.
1310
01:04:56,142 --> 01:04:59,186
ABBY: Okay, so let's go over
the pre-interview questions.
1311
01:05:00,271 --> 01:05:03,691
I'm sorry you didn't get to spend time
with little Colin this weekend.
1312
01:05:03,858 --> 01:05:05,901
And by "little,"
I don't mean undersized,
1313
01:05:06,068 --> 01:05:08,571
although I highly suspect
that's the case.
1314
01:05:09,321 --> 01:05:12,533
Colin's penis. That's what
you wanna talk about right now?
1315
01:05:12,700 --> 01:05:16,954
Because I thought maybe we should
talk about what you're gonna say on the show.
1316
01:05:17,121 --> 01:05:19,874
Yeah. Okay.
1317
01:05:20,040 --> 01:05:23,043
[IN IRISH ACCENT]
So tell me, Mike, how did The Ugly Truth start?
1318
01:05:23,127 --> 01:05:25,504
Uh, well, Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson,
1319
01:05:25,671 --> 01:05:26,964
I had a sales job
1320
01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:30,843
where I was driving around a lot,
listening to talk radio.
1321
01:05:31,010 --> 01:05:35,097
I started calling in, and then I realized
I'm smarter than everybody else.
1322
01:05:35,264 --> 01:05:37,016
Just ask my producer, Abby.
1323
01:05:37,183 --> 01:05:40,644
She thinks I'm a genius on days
when she's not sexually frustrated.
1324
01:05:40,811 --> 01:05:44,148
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Ah, yes, thousands of lives
have been enriched by your wisdom.
1325
01:05:44,315 --> 01:05:47,485
Excuse me, lady, but you have
a boyfriend right now because of me.
1326
01:05:47,651 --> 01:05:50,029
It may have started because of you,
but it's lasted because of me.
1327
01:05:50,196 --> 01:05:54,033
Great. So you're acting like
your normal control-freak psycho self again.
1328
01:05:54,200 --> 01:05:55,409
I am not a control freak.
1329
01:05:55,576 --> 01:05:58,704
When you checked into the hotel,
did you or did you not insist
1330
01:05:58,871 --> 01:06:03,501
on getting an eastern-facing room
on a floor not below seven?
1331
01:06:04,919 --> 01:06:08,756
-I like rising with the sun, and a view.
-Ha-ha-ha.
1332
01:06:08,839 --> 01:06:12,635
My point is that Colin likes
the Mike version of Abby,
1333
01:06:12,802 --> 01:06:14,345
not the Abby version of Abby.
1334
01:06:14,512 --> 01:06:16,597
So don't go knocking my words of wisdom
1335
01:06:16,764 --> 01:06:19,433
when you're living proof that they work.
1336
01:06:20,267 --> 01:06:22,269
I could be having sex right now.
1337
01:06:22,436 --> 01:06:24,063
Right this way, please.
1338
01:06:24,230 --> 01:06:28,526
Dude, this is awesome.
You are about to go on national television.
1339
01:06:28,692 --> 01:06:30,319
Okay, this isn't helping, Rick.
1340
01:06:30,486 --> 01:06:32,905
Just, you know, do what you always do.
1341
01:06:33,072 --> 01:06:37,785
-What do I always do?
-You, uh-- I don't know, you...
1342
01:06:38,369 --> 01:06:40,621
You entertain millions of people
with your moronic ideas,
1343
01:06:40,788 --> 01:06:42,832
and they love you for it.
1344
01:06:43,207 --> 01:06:45,376
I think that may be the nicest thing
you ever said to me.
1345
01:06:45,543 --> 01:06:46,877
-You're welcome.
CRAIG: Next up,
1346
01:06:47,044 --> 01:06:49,713
here to tell us the ugly truth
about men and women
1347
01:06:49,880 --> 01:06:51,882
is Mike Chadway, everybody.
Mike Chadway.
1348
01:06:52,049 --> 01:06:54,093
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
1349
01:06:54,260 --> 01:06:56,303
Mike, Mike, Mike.
1350
01:06:56,470 --> 01:06:58,264
Come on up.
1351
01:06:58,764 --> 01:07:00,933
MIKE:
Hey, how are you, folks?
1352
01:07:01,100 --> 01:07:03,310
CRAIG:
All right, Mike, welcome.
1353
01:07:03,477 --> 01:07:07,273
Now, listen. Men, we men,
I think I can say "we men."
1354
01:07:07,439 --> 01:07:09,859
Not necessarily "wee" men,
but men of all sizes--
1355
01:07:10,025 --> 01:07:13,028
-No, I get it. I get it.
-We're not known for our expertise
1356
01:07:13,195 --> 01:07:14,989
in matters of the heart.
1357
01:07:15,489 --> 01:07:19,285
But I hear you have some
very interesting ideas and theories.
1358
01:07:19,451 --> 01:07:21,954
What advice would you give
to the good people out there
1359
01:07:22,121 --> 01:07:25,666
-that are looking for love?
-My advice would be:
1360
01:07:25,833 --> 01:07:26,876
Don't do it.
1361
01:07:27,084 --> 01:07:28,085
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
1362
01:07:28,252 --> 01:07:32,298
I mean, try to find lust instead.
It's a lot easier and a lot less messy.
1363
01:07:32,464 --> 01:07:36,844
Blue balls, they only last a few hours,
but a broken heart, that can last years.
1364
01:07:36,927 --> 01:07:39,930
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1365
01:07:42,725 --> 01:07:45,769
Goodness me. Tell me, then.
What's her name?
1366
01:07:46,145 --> 01:07:47,438
Who?
1367
01:07:47,605 --> 01:07:50,774
The woman that screwed you up.
She must have been a doozy.
1368
01:07:56,488 --> 01:08:01,577
Uh... Well, like I said,
better a floozy than a doozy.
1369
01:08:01,744 --> 01:08:05,080
[LOS PINGUOS' "SOLUNA"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
1370
01:08:06,332 --> 01:08:09,501
Hi. I was looking
for an Abby Richter.
1371
01:08:22,389 --> 01:08:24,642
STUART [OVER PHONE]:
Did you get him? Is he ours?
1372
01:08:24,808 --> 01:08:25,893
I'm working on it.
1373
01:08:26,060 --> 01:08:27,728
I gotta go.
1374
01:08:29,355 --> 01:08:31,774
-Where's Rick?
-I sent him home.
1375
01:08:31,941 --> 01:08:35,402
I thought maybe you and I could celebrate
on our own. Here. Give me some of that.
1376
01:08:36,320 --> 01:08:39,114
And, uh, what exactly
are we celebrating?
1377
01:08:39,281 --> 01:08:42,034
Hello? Craig Ferguson?
I was just on it.
1378
01:08:42,201 --> 01:08:43,994
I mean, maybe you saw it?
1379
01:08:45,287 --> 01:08:47,414
I heard about the offer from CBS.
1380
01:08:49,249 --> 01:08:51,543
Well, then maybe you heard
I turned it down.
1381
01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:52,795
You did?
1382
01:08:55,381 --> 01:08:56,507
Why?
1383
01:08:57,383 --> 01:08:58,926
Jonah.
1384
01:08:59,093 --> 01:09:00,511
You know, he needs me around.
1385
01:09:01,679 --> 01:09:04,974
I may not be the best father figure out there...
1386
01:09:05,224 --> 01:09:07,017
but I'm the only one he's got.
1387
01:09:07,184 --> 01:09:10,896
And I don't wanna half-ass it
all the way from San Francisco.
1388
01:09:11,063 --> 01:09:14,108
Well, I think that's a very good decision.
1389
01:09:14,274 --> 01:09:15,567
Thank you.
1390
01:09:15,734 --> 01:09:17,861
Now, can we stop talking about work
1391
01:09:18,028 --> 01:09:22,950
and maybe relax and drink, enjoy?
1392
01:09:23,117 --> 01:09:24,743
God.
1393
01:09:26,203 --> 01:09:27,371
Tell me about the doozy.
1394
01:09:28,372 --> 01:09:30,499
You know, the woman
who broke your heart.
1395
01:09:30,666 --> 01:09:33,085
You are just totally
trying to kill my buzz.
1396
01:09:33,252 --> 01:09:37,256
No, I'm not. I'm just interested
in what makes you you.
1397
01:09:39,216 --> 01:09:41,760
Well, for your information,
1398
01:09:41,927 --> 01:09:45,431
it was more than just one.
1399
01:09:45,597 --> 01:09:48,976
It was more like a parade.
1400
01:09:49,643 --> 01:09:53,313
Co-dependent girls, unfaithful girls,
1401
01:09:53,480 --> 01:09:57,901
depressed girls,
narcissistic girls, phony girls.
1402
01:09:58,068 --> 01:10:01,280
Girls who, it turned out,
didn't actually like me.
1403
01:10:03,407 --> 01:10:05,617
By the time I hit 30,
I realized that
1404
01:10:05,784 --> 01:10:08,245
you can only have
so many lousy relationships
1405
01:10:08,412 --> 01:10:10,664
before you figure out
there's no such thing as a good one.
1406
01:10:10,831 --> 01:10:14,710
Oh, come on. You can't really believe
there's no such thing as a good relationship.
1407
01:10:16,128 --> 01:10:18,172
To my very core.
1408
01:10:19,173 --> 01:10:21,383
Hello. Can I get you something?
1409
01:10:21,550 --> 01:10:23,886
-I'll have one of those, please.
-A mojito. Sure.
1410
01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:26,388
-Would you like anything else?
-Yeah, some water.
1411
01:10:26,555 --> 01:10:28,974
Okay, would you like still or sparkling?
1412
01:10:29,141 --> 01:10:31,602
-Tap water's great. Thanks.
-Tap. All right.
1413
01:10:32,895 --> 01:10:33,729
What?
1414
01:10:34,646 --> 01:10:35,814
What?
1415
01:10:36,523 --> 01:10:38,108
It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
1416
01:10:40,611 --> 01:10:42,821
So I've been told.
1417
01:10:45,741 --> 01:10:47,493
Come on, let's dance.
1418
01:10:47,659 --> 01:10:49,912
No, I'm serious.
1419
01:10:50,079 --> 01:10:52,956
I've seen your spazzy dance,
now I wanna see the real thing.
1420
01:10:53,123 --> 01:10:56,668
-No, really. I can't dance like that.
-I can. Well, kind of.
1421
01:10:59,296 --> 01:11:01,924
[LATIN SOUL SYNDICATE'S "EL GITANO
DEL AMOR" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
1422
01:11:02,007 --> 01:11:03,342
Ugh. Mike, no.
1423
01:11:03,509 --> 01:11:05,511
No.
1424
01:11:21,568 --> 01:11:23,445
♪ The way you walk, the way you talk ♪
1425
01:11:23,529 --> 01:11:25,447
♪ The way you smile sets me off ♪
1426
01:11:25,531 --> 01:11:27,449
♪ The way you move, the way you groove ♪
1427
01:11:27,533 --> 01:11:29,451
♪ Makes me glad that I'm with you ♪
1428
01:11:29,535 --> 01:11:31,370
♪ The way you walk, the way you talk ♪
1429
01:11:31,453 --> 01:11:33,372
♪ The way you smile sets me off ♪
1430
01:11:33,455 --> 01:11:35,290
♪ The way you move, the way you groove ♪
1431
01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:38,252
♪ Makes me glad that I'm with you ♪
1432
01:12:09,408 --> 01:12:11,451
♪ The way you walk, the way you talk ♪
1433
01:12:11,535 --> 01:12:13,579
♪ The way you smile sets me off ♪
1434
01:12:13,662 --> 01:12:15,455
♪ The way you move, the way you groove ♪
1435
01:12:15,539 --> 01:12:17,499
♪ Makes me glad that I'm with you ♪
1436
01:12:17,583 --> 01:12:19,334
♪ The way you walk, the way you talk ♪
1437
01:12:19,418 --> 01:12:21,378
♪ The way you smile sets me off ♪
1438
01:12:21,461 --> 01:12:23,463
♪ The way you move, the way you groove ♪
1439
01:12:23,547 --> 01:12:26,884
♪ Makes me glad that I'm with you ♪
1440
01:12:35,475 --> 01:12:39,938
We have an early flight tomorrow.
We should go.
1441
01:12:44,484 --> 01:12:46,695
Yeah. We should go.
1442
01:13:04,796 --> 01:13:07,299
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
1443
01:13:16,433 --> 01:13:20,187
So the car is gonna pick us up
downstairs tomorrow at 8.
1444
01:13:20,354 --> 01:13:23,357
-Do you want me to call you?
-No, I'll get a wake-up call.
1445
01:13:23,523 --> 01:13:25,651
-Oh, yeah, good idea.
-Yeah.
1446
01:13:29,071 --> 01:13:32,324
-I had a really good time tonight.
-Me too.
1447
01:13:32,491 --> 01:13:33,992
Yeah.
1448
01:13:42,167 --> 01:13:44,002
-My floor.
-Yeah.
1449
01:13:44,169 --> 01:13:46,296
-See you tomorrow.
-Eight o'clock.
1450
01:13:46,463 --> 01:13:48,215
Eight o'clock.
1451
01:13:48,298 --> 01:13:50,884
-Good night.
-Good night. Oh!
1452
01:13:53,011 --> 01:13:55,389
-Good night.
-Yeah.
1453
01:13:57,599 --> 01:14:00,185
-A lot of fun. Yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah.
1454
01:14:10,779 --> 01:14:12,906
[ALARM RINGING]
1455
01:14:16,743 --> 01:14:17,911
I guess, uh--
1456
01:14:18,078 --> 01:14:20,497
I guess I should go, huh?
1457
01:14:20,664 --> 01:14:22,207
Yeah.
1458
01:14:23,166 --> 01:14:24,751
Good night.
1459
01:14:27,254 --> 01:14:29,881
[♪♪♪]
1460
01:14:47,774 --> 01:14:50,610
What the hell was that?
1461
01:14:51,153 --> 01:14:53,864
Why do I wanna do it again?
1462
01:14:55,532 --> 01:14:57,576
[KNOCKING]
1463
01:15:06,501 --> 01:15:07,711
-Miss me?
-Colin.
1464
01:15:07,878 --> 01:15:10,922
-You were expecting someone else?
-No.
1465
01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:13,008
Um...
1466
01:15:13,091 --> 01:15:16,595
Since you couldn't come to Lake Tahoe,
I decided to come to you.
1467
01:15:16,678 --> 01:15:19,931
-Oh. How did you know I was here?
-Joy told me.
1468
01:15:20,098 --> 01:15:24,311
I just started thinking about all the stuff
we were going to do there, and I--
1469
01:15:24,478 --> 01:15:27,522
Come here.
--decided I couldn't wait.
1470
01:15:28,398 --> 01:15:29,649
-A little champagne?
-Yeah.
1471
01:15:29,816 --> 01:15:31,193
Great.
1472
01:15:31,360 --> 01:15:34,738
So happy to be here. Oh, yes.
1473
01:15:34,905 --> 01:15:38,617
-What's wrong?
-Nothing. You just surprised me.
1474
01:15:38,784 --> 01:15:42,079
-You told me you were spontaneous.
-Yes, I did.
1475
01:15:42,746 --> 01:15:46,875
Have a little something else
on its way up for you. You are going to love it.
1476
01:15:47,042 --> 01:15:48,293
[CORK POPS]
1477
01:15:48,460 --> 01:15:49,878
Oh! Whoa! Ha-ha.
1478
01:15:50,045 --> 01:15:52,214
Let me tell you,
it comes out so fast, right?
1479
01:15:52,381 --> 01:15:55,300
Oh, wow, I guess we'll have to
get naked sooner than I thought.
1480
01:15:55,801 --> 01:15:58,053
-I'll get you a towel.
-Okay.
1481
01:16:03,058 --> 01:16:05,644
[♪♪♪]
1482
01:16:09,189 --> 01:16:11,233
Abby, I...
1483
01:16:14,111 --> 01:16:17,739
Abby, I really, really wanna do that
again, and not just tonight.
1484
01:16:17,906 --> 01:16:19,449
Fuck.
1485
01:16:20,409 --> 01:16:22,536
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
1486
01:16:22,828 --> 01:16:26,623
Man up, Chadway.
Come on, you can do this.
1487
01:16:33,588 --> 01:16:37,300
Hey-- Hey. You're not room service.
1488
01:16:37,467 --> 01:16:39,719
-How you doing, man?
-Hey. Uh...
1489
01:16:39,886 --> 01:16:42,139
Hey. Good to see you. I--
1490
01:16:42,305 --> 01:16:47,310
I just came by to tell Abby
about the change in our flight time,
1491
01:16:47,477 --> 01:16:50,439
but I can come by later.
1492
01:16:51,189 --> 01:16:53,108
-Hi.
-Hey.
1493
01:16:53,692 --> 01:16:55,235
What are you doing here?
1494
01:16:55,402 --> 01:16:57,863
Uh, flight's changed.
1495
01:16:58,029 --> 01:17:00,657
Eight o'clock in the morning.
1496
01:17:00,824 --> 01:17:03,118
I told you that already?
1497
01:17:05,162 --> 01:17:08,373
I'm so-- Long day, big day.
1498
01:17:09,040 --> 01:17:11,668
Okay, I'll just leave now.
1499
01:17:18,049 --> 01:17:19,718
[DOOR OPENS]
1500
01:17:19,885 --> 01:17:21,178
Mike. Mike.
1501
01:17:21,344 --> 01:17:22,387
[♪♪♪]
1502
01:17:22,554 --> 01:17:23,930
Hey, wait.
1503
01:17:25,182 --> 01:17:27,809
He came to surprise me. I...
1504
01:17:28,310 --> 01:17:31,271
-Hey, how convenient.
-No, I--
1505
01:17:31,438 --> 01:17:33,523
I thought it was you at the door.
1506
01:17:33,690 --> 01:17:36,359
Well, I guess we're all interchangeable.
1507
01:17:37,819 --> 01:17:39,613
I taught you well.
1508
01:17:39,779 --> 01:17:42,616
Hey, maybe you could even host the show.
1509
01:17:50,749 --> 01:17:53,293
Tell me what happened in the elevator.
1510
01:17:54,252 --> 01:17:55,879
Should I tell Colin to go?
1511
01:17:57,797 --> 01:17:59,424
No.
1512
01:18:00,884 --> 01:18:02,802
No, why pull up anchor now?
1513
01:18:03,303 --> 01:18:06,139
I mean, you worked damn hard
to get him here.
1514
01:18:08,099 --> 01:18:11,311
And that's it? That's all you have to say?
1515
01:18:12,729 --> 01:18:14,439
What do you want me to say?
1516
01:18:17,317 --> 01:18:18,777
The truth is ugly, isn't it?
1517
01:18:20,779 --> 01:18:23,240
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
1518
01:18:27,786 --> 01:18:29,496
I'll see you.
1519
01:18:56,106 --> 01:18:57,148
Sorry about that.
1520
01:18:57,774 --> 01:19:00,694
No. Honestly, no worries.
1521
01:19:00,777 --> 01:19:02,195
Come here.
1522
01:19:03,321 --> 01:19:06,032
Listen, the rest of the night is ours.
1523
01:19:07,117 --> 01:19:10,453
To the first of many
romantic evenings to come.
1524
01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:17,002
Whoa. Uh...
1525
01:19:17,168 --> 01:19:18,753
Okay.
1526
01:19:20,880 --> 01:19:25,343
Mm. Yeah. Colin, why do you like me?
1527
01:19:27,554 --> 01:19:31,016
Oh... Wow. Uh...
1528
01:19:31,182 --> 01:19:34,227
You're beautiful. You're smart.
1529
01:19:35,478 --> 01:19:36,980
You, uh--
1530
01:19:37,147 --> 01:19:38,440
You never criticize.
1531
01:19:38,607 --> 01:19:41,693
You know what?
You never try to control the situation.
1532
01:19:41,860 --> 01:19:44,237
And I've gotta say,
it's a breath of fresh air
1533
01:19:44,404 --> 01:19:47,824
because I know so many women
who are total control freaks,
1534
01:19:47,991 --> 01:19:49,242
and it's a nightmare.
1535
01:19:49,409 --> 01:19:52,078
-And I just love that you're not like that.
-But I am.
1536
01:19:52,579 --> 01:19:54,789
I am just like that.
1537
01:19:55,123 --> 01:19:56,541
Wait, what do you mean?
1538
01:19:56,708 --> 01:19:58,918
Well, this should be chilled.
1539
01:19:59,419 --> 01:20:01,004
But you know that.
1540
01:20:01,171 --> 01:20:04,049
And as horrible as it sounds,
1541
01:20:04,215 --> 01:20:07,469
I was editing that speech
the entire time you were giving it.
1542
01:20:07,636 --> 01:20:12,057
And the time you fed me caviar,
I was in physical pain.
1543
01:20:12,223 --> 01:20:14,934
I hate being fed like a toddler.
1544
01:20:15,101 --> 01:20:17,854
That's how much of a control freak I am.
1545
01:20:18,021 --> 01:20:21,024
But I couldn't show you
any of that because...
1546
01:20:21,191 --> 01:20:23,485
who would love someone like that?
1547
01:20:23,943 --> 01:20:25,695
No one.
1548
01:20:26,154 --> 01:20:28,156
[♪♪♪]
1549
01:20:30,241 --> 01:20:32,410
Um...
1550
01:20:42,545 --> 01:20:44,589
I'm so sorry.
1551
01:20:45,507 --> 01:20:47,967
You are a great guy, you really are.
1552
01:20:49,302 --> 01:20:52,639
Which is why I have to tell you
that I have not been myself.
1553
01:20:52,806 --> 01:20:55,392
Not for one second of the time
that we've been dating.
1554
01:20:56,768 --> 01:20:58,061
Then who have you been?
1555
01:21:01,147 --> 01:21:03,858
The girl some idiot told me to be.
1556
01:21:31,052 --> 01:21:32,971
ABBY:
Morning, Freddy.
1557
01:21:34,472 --> 01:21:35,890
What did you do to him?
1558
01:21:36,057 --> 01:21:38,852
I didn't do anything.
He missed the flight all on his own.
1559
01:21:39,018 --> 01:21:40,854
He quit this morning.
1560
01:21:41,020 --> 01:21:44,858
I just got a smug call from the local CBS affiliate
saying they'd closed a deal with him.
1561
01:21:45,024 --> 01:21:47,610
Corporate's having a shit fit.
What the hell happened?
1562
01:21:47,777 --> 01:21:51,489
He quit to go to one
of our local competitors?
1563
01:21:52,657 --> 01:21:53,992
We don't need Mike Chadway.
1564
01:21:54,159 --> 01:21:56,369
Halfwit troglodytes are a dime a dozen.
1565
01:21:56,536 --> 01:21:57,662
You'd better be right.
1566
01:21:57,746 --> 01:22:00,999
Because you gotta find me another one
by the end of the week or else we're cancelled.
1567
01:22:01,082 --> 01:22:03,460
ABBY:
I'll find one by the end of the day.
1568
01:22:03,626 --> 01:22:07,255
Not really. I'm just--
That's just a joke, everybody.
1569
01:22:07,422 --> 01:22:09,758
I can't believe I allowed myself
to feel anything for him.
1570
01:22:09,924 --> 01:22:13,386
Well, you felt enough something
to break up with Colin. I'm sorry.
1571
01:22:13,553 --> 01:22:15,638
Okay, here are the Mike Chadway replacements.
1572
01:22:15,805 --> 01:22:20,268
-Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no.
-"Fuck no." All right.
1573
01:22:20,435 --> 01:22:23,229
So, what do you think of the new set?
1574
01:22:23,521 --> 01:22:25,023
I love it.
1575
01:22:25,190 --> 01:22:28,568
KSXP retained the copyright
to your old segment title,
1576
01:22:28,735 --> 01:22:32,697
so we retitled you:
Morning Madness With Mike.
1577
01:22:34,407 --> 01:22:35,450
Love it.
1578
01:22:35,617 --> 01:22:39,329
-And this is Joe, your new producer.
-Hi.
1579
01:22:41,080 --> 01:22:43,333
You know what I like best about you, Joe?
1580
01:22:43,500 --> 01:22:45,877
Is I don't wanna
have sex with you at all.
1581
01:22:46,044 --> 01:22:47,712
I'm relieved to hear that.
1582
01:22:47,879 --> 01:22:50,757
[DANIEL MERRIWEATHER'S
"CHAINSAW" PLAYING]
1583
01:22:51,174 --> 01:22:52,550
♪ Giving myself to you ♪
1584
01:22:52,634 --> 01:22:55,637
♪ Was like giving myself to a chainsaw ♪
1585
01:22:55,720 --> 01:22:57,555
♪ You keep cutting me open wide ♪
1586
01:22:57,639 --> 01:23:00,975
♪ Is that the only thing that you're good for? ♪
1587
01:23:01,059 --> 01:23:02,519
♪ Giving myself to you ♪
1588
01:23:02,602 --> 01:23:05,522
♪ Was like giving myself to a chainsaw ♪
1589
01:23:05,605 --> 01:23:07,440
♪ You keep cutting me open wide ♪
1590
01:23:07,524 --> 01:23:10,401
♪ Is that the only thing that you're good for? ♪♪
1591
01:23:10,485 --> 01:23:13,154
[CHATTERING]
1592
01:23:17,200 --> 01:23:20,411
How's my face? Is it too shiny?
1593
01:23:20,578 --> 01:23:24,082
Which side is better?
Right, left, full frontal?
1594
01:23:24,958 --> 01:23:28,461
They're all great.
Can we go over your intro one more time?
1595
01:23:28,628 --> 01:23:34,133
-"I'm Jack Magnum, and this is..."
-The Ugly Truth.
1596
01:23:35,468 --> 01:23:38,471
Okay. Let's maybe lose the gun thing.
1597
01:23:38,638 --> 01:23:40,557
What? Gun's my signature move.
1598
01:23:40,723 --> 01:23:43,309
Unless the NRA is paying
your mortgage this month,
1599
01:23:43,476 --> 01:23:45,103
I say lose the effing gun.
1600
01:23:45,270 --> 01:23:49,065
All right,
we're live in five, four, three...
1601
01:23:49,232 --> 01:23:50,567
[MOUTHS]
Two, one.
1602
01:23:50,733 --> 01:23:53,820
-Think this guy's any good?
-He better be.
1603
01:23:53,987 --> 01:23:58,867
I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is The Ugly Truth.
1604
01:23:59,033 --> 01:24:02,245
-Peace.
-Oh, Jesus. He's going political.
1605
01:24:02,412 --> 01:24:04,914
Okay, so we'll do a couple questions
with the balloon pilot
1606
01:24:05,081 --> 01:24:07,375
about how often couples get it on in-flight,
1607
01:24:07,458 --> 01:24:09,252
-and then we're out.
-Got it.
1608
01:24:09,335 --> 01:24:10,920
[LARRY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
1609
01:24:11,004 --> 01:24:13,673
-Check it out. Your replacement's on.
GEORGIA: --Jack Magnum.
1610
01:24:13,840 --> 01:24:15,425
-My what?
-How's it going out there, Jack?
1611
01:24:15,508 --> 01:24:16,926
Your replacement?
1612
01:24:17,093 --> 01:24:20,221
JACK: Most of you are watching this show
so you can learn how to get chicks.
1613
01:24:20,388 --> 01:24:24,058
Well, let me assure you,
you're in good hands.
1614
01:24:24,225 --> 01:24:25,768
You're looking at a guy
1615
01:24:25,935 --> 01:24:30,315
who personally has had sex
with over 137 women.
1616
01:24:30,481 --> 01:24:31,774
Most of them conscious.
1617
01:24:31,941 --> 01:24:33,902
[CHUCKLES]
1618
01:24:34,068 --> 01:24:37,155
-This is beautiful.
-Now, we're here at the balloon festival
1619
01:24:37,322 --> 01:24:40,783
and I'm supposed to be telling you
about how men are full of hot air.
1620
01:24:40,950 --> 01:24:44,287
But I think we all know,
it's the ladies that are full of crap.
1621
01:24:44,370 --> 01:24:47,916
Just because she says no,
doesn't mean she means no.
1622
01:24:47,999 --> 01:24:49,208
[GROANS]
1623
01:24:49,292 --> 01:24:53,338
If that were the case,
I'd have only 90 women-- Whoa!
1624
01:24:53,504 --> 01:24:55,965
-Okay. All right.
-What the hell?
1625
01:24:56,132 --> 01:24:57,800
Did she--? Oh.
1626
01:24:57,884 --> 01:24:59,677
{\an8}-Uh...
-Welcome back.
1627
01:24:59,844 --> 01:25:03,389
{\an8}It looks like we're experiencing
some technical difficulty.
1628
01:25:03,556 --> 01:25:05,975
{\an8}Yeah, when you have
a wine festival...
1629
01:25:06,142 --> 01:25:07,977
Okay, I got it.
1630
01:25:09,270 --> 01:25:11,064
{\an8}-Hi.
-We're back.
1631
01:25:11,564 --> 01:25:12,899
I'm sorry,
1632
01:25:13,066 --> 01:25:17,403
but Jack Magnum will no longer
be able to do The Ugly Truth.
1633
01:25:17,904 --> 01:25:19,906
Which should really come as no surprise
1634
01:25:20,073 --> 01:25:23,409
because men are completely unreliable.
1635
01:25:23,576 --> 01:25:24,786
What is she doing?
1636
01:25:24,953 --> 01:25:25,954
[PHONE RINGING]
1637
01:25:26,120 --> 01:25:29,248
Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes, I know.
We're fixing it.
1638
01:25:29,415 --> 01:25:30,959
Take Mike Chadway, for instance.
1639
01:25:31,125 --> 01:25:34,087
He up and quit the show
without so much as a word.
1640
01:25:34,253 --> 01:25:38,591
You think you know what men are gonna do,
you think you know what men want to do.
1641
01:25:38,758 --> 01:25:40,635
But when it comes right down
to that moment
1642
01:25:40,802 --> 01:25:44,347
where they actually need to step up and,
I don't know, make a move,
1643
01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:45,556
they chicken out.
1644
01:25:45,723 --> 01:25:48,434
Oh. I am all over this.
1645
01:25:48,601 --> 01:25:50,561
JOE:
Where are you going? We're live in two.
1646
01:25:50,770 --> 01:25:51,938
It's going great, isn't it?
1647
01:25:52,105 --> 01:25:55,566
The big, strong, brave men
that we've all been reading about
1648
01:25:55,733 --> 01:25:58,820
in novels and watching in movies
since we were 9 years old,
1649
01:25:58,987 --> 01:26:01,447
that's a fallacy. They don't exist.
1650
01:26:01,614 --> 01:26:04,742
-Men are not strong. Men are not brave.
-[MOUTHS] No. No.
1651
01:26:04,909 --> 01:26:06,703
Men are afraid.
1652
01:26:06,786 --> 01:26:10,039
It's all part of the show. It's sort of an
Andy Kaufman type of thing we're doing.
1653
01:26:10,915 --> 01:26:15,086
Even if they have a moment
in a hotel elevator...
1654
01:26:15,253 --> 01:26:16,921
[♪♪♪]
1655
01:26:17,088 --> 01:26:19,632
and it's totally romantic and full of potential,
1656
01:26:20,174 --> 01:26:23,219
men are incapable of copping to it.
1657
01:26:23,386 --> 01:26:25,430
Because why?
1658
01:26:25,930 --> 01:26:27,348
Men are weak.
1659
01:26:27,515 --> 01:26:31,561
Let me tell you something about women.
1660
01:26:31,853 --> 01:26:34,480
-Hey.
-Women would have us believe
1661
01:26:34,647 --> 01:26:38,526
that they are the victims.
That we break their hearts for sport.
1662
01:26:38,693 --> 01:26:40,236
CLIFF: I thought he quit.
-That's crap.
1663
01:26:40,319 --> 01:26:42,155
See, Bob? I told you we'd get him back.
1664
01:26:42,321 --> 01:26:46,492
They say they want true love,
but all they want is a checklist.
1665
01:26:46,659 --> 01:26:50,204
Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
Is he a doctor?
1666
01:26:50,371 --> 01:26:52,040
For you men who fit the criteria,
1667
01:26:52,206 --> 01:26:54,917
don't kid yourselves,
they're not sleeping with you.
1668
01:26:55,084 --> 01:26:59,922
They're sleeping with a carefully
calculated set of venal choices.
1669
01:27:00,089 --> 01:27:03,009
Money over substance, looks over soul.
1670
01:27:03,176 --> 01:27:05,011
Polish over principles.
1671
01:27:05,178 --> 01:27:08,139
No gesture, no matter how real or romantic,
1672
01:27:08,306 --> 01:27:12,143
will ever compensate
for a really impressive list of credentials.
1673
01:27:12,310 --> 01:27:16,314
This coming from a man who's never
made a gesture other than this one.
1674
01:27:16,481 --> 01:27:18,441
Oh, so the elevator wasn't a gesture?
1675
01:27:18,608 --> 01:27:20,610
The elevator was a moment of passion,
1676
01:27:20,777 --> 01:27:23,863
followed by a moment of panic
on your part, apparently.
1677
01:27:24,030 --> 01:27:28,451
-Panic? I came by your room.
-Yes, and then you ran away.
1678
01:27:28,618 --> 01:27:30,078
That wasn't panic, sweetheart.
1679
01:27:30,244 --> 01:27:32,080
That was an unwillingness to compete
1680
01:27:32,246 --> 01:27:34,874
with the walking checklist
that was in your bed.
1681
01:27:35,041 --> 01:27:36,667
You should be thanking me.
1682
01:27:36,834 --> 01:27:37,960
We got 10 seconds.
1683
01:27:38,127 --> 01:27:40,880
Are we ready to soar up, up and away?
1684
01:27:41,047 --> 01:27:43,800
Well, there you have it, folks.
That's the ugly truth.
1685
01:27:43,966 --> 01:27:45,635
A girl in heat for two guys
1686
01:27:45,802 --> 01:27:47,970
will always choose the one
with the better résumé.
1687
01:27:48,137 --> 01:27:49,222
That is bullsh--
1688
01:27:51,265 --> 01:27:52,892
And we're out.
1689
01:27:54,018 --> 01:27:57,438
God. I hate you so much,
I just swore on live television.
1690
01:27:57,522 --> 01:27:59,607
No, you hate yourself for being so shallow.
1691
01:28:00,483 --> 01:28:02,068
-Off we go.
-Where are we going?
1692
01:28:02,235 --> 01:28:05,696
I'm not going anywhere with you. Oh.
1693
01:28:07,323 --> 01:28:08,908
ABBY:
That's a shocker, you're bailing.
1694
01:28:09,075 --> 01:28:12,495
MAN: I wouldn't recommend that.
-Keep rolling on the onboard camera.
1695
01:28:15,790 --> 01:28:20,128
What are you doing?
God, what is wrong with you?
1696
01:28:23,548 --> 01:28:26,551
STUART: They don't know they're on-air, do they?
CLIFF: Uh-uh.
1697
01:28:26,717 --> 01:28:29,053
Is there any way to tell them
they're on the air?
1698
01:28:29,220 --> 01:28:32,306
-Nope.
-Oh, they're gonna curse. I know it.
1699
01:28:33,182 --> 01:28:35,768
[♪♪♪]
1700
01:28:45,653 --> 01:28:48,030
So who wants champagne?
1701
01:28:49,157 --> 01:28:51,242
Oh, I know. I got a great idea.
1702
01:28:51,409 --> 01:28:53,744
Why don't we pass the time
with you telling me
1703
01:28:53,911 --> 01:28:56,789
how much fun you and Colin had
having sex in Los Angeles?
1704
01:28:56,956 --> 01:28:59,375
I broke up with Colin
in Los Angeles, you jackass.
1705
01:28:59,542 --> 01:29:01,794
On our left, you'll see the High Sierras...
1706
01:29:01,961 --> 01:29:04,755
-What?
-Oh, yeah. That's got your interest.
1707
01:29:04,922 --> 01:29:07,216
Well, if you think we're gonna finish
what we started in LA,
1708
01:29:07,383 --> 01:29:09,719
you're out of your mind.
You lost your chance.
1709
01:29:09,886 --> 01:29:12,305
Oh, come on.
I never had a chance with you.
1710
01:29:12,471 --> 01:29:15,641
And to our right here,
you'll see the lovely Sacramento River
1711
01:29:15,808 --> 01:29:18,352
winding its way
through the dichromatic landscape.
1712
01:29:18,519 --> 01:29:20,479
Could you please stop talking? Thank you.
1713
01:29:20,646 --> 01:29:23,149
You're right.
I had a momentary lapse in judgment
1714
01:29:23,316 --> 01:29:26,235
when I thought you were more than you are,
but you aren't. Clearly.
1715
01:29:26,402 --> 01:29:28,154
Oh, yeah? Well, what does that mean?
1716
01:29:28,321 --> 01:29:30,323
"I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jell-O.
1717
01:29:30,489 --> 01:29:33,492
I like to fuck like a monkey.
Don't fall in love, it's scary."
1718
01:29:33,659 --> 01:29:35,870
Oh, for God's sakes, there's the first one.
1719
01:29:37,914 --> 01:29:40,416
Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying.
1720
01:29:40,583 --> 01:29:43,044
Especially when I'm in love
with a psycho like you.
1721
01:29:43,210 --> 01:29:44,545
I am not a psycho.
1722
01:29:45,129 --> 01:29:46,297
Love?
1723
01:29:46,505 --> 01:29:47,798
Oh!
1724
01:29:47,965 --> 01:29:51,093
I just told you that I loved you,
and all you heard was "psycho."
1725
01:29:51,260 --> 01:29:55,348
-You're the definition of neurotic.
-No. The definition of neurotic is a person
1726
01:29:55,431 --> 01:29:59,101
who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts,
compulsive acts and physical ailments
1727
01:29:59,268 --> 01:30:02,146
-without any objective evidence of--
-Shut up.
1728
01:30:02,313 --> 01:30:04,690
Yet again,
I just told you I'm in love with you,
1729
01:30:04,857 --> 01:30:08,486
and you're standing here
giving me a vocabulary lesson.
1730
01:30:19,747 --> 01:30:21,916
You're in love with me.
1731
01:30:22,124 --> 01:30:23,417
Why?
1732
01:30:26,587 --> 01:30:28,673
Beats the shit out of me,
1733
01:30:28,839 --> 01:30:30,132
but I am.
1734
01:30:39,183 --> 01:30:41,769
[♪♪♪]
1735
01:30:57,827 --> 01:30:59,578
ABBY:
Oh! Oh, Mike.
1736
01:30:59,745 --> 01:31:00,788
[BED SQUEAKING]
1737
01:31:00,955 --> 01:31:03,374
-You're amazing.
MIKE: I am?
1738
01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:05,710
ABBY:
Oh, you're a god.
1739
01:31:05,876 --> 01:31:08,671
MIKE: Really?
-Oh, God!
1740
01:31:18,889 --> 01:31:20,224
Am I really that good?
1741
01:31:20,391 --> 01:31:22,059
Or are you--?
1742
01:31:22,226 --> 01:31:23,352
Are you just faking it?
1743
01:31:23,894 --> 01:31:25,896
[LAUGHS]
1744
01:31:26,063 --> 01:31:28,274
You'll never know.
1745
01:31:28,649 --> 01:31:30,818
[FLO RIDA'S "RIGHT ROUND" PLAYING]
1746
01:31:30,901 --> 01:31:34,655
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1747
01:31:34,739 --> 01:31:38,409
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1748
01:31:38,492 --> 01:31:42,288
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1749
01:31:42,371 --> 01:31:45,750
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1750
01:31:45,833 --> 01:31:50,004
♪ Hey, walk out that house with my swagger
Hop in there with dough, I got places to go ♪
1751
01:31:50,087 --> 01:31:53,799
♪ People to see, time is precious
I look at my cotty, are ya out of control? ♪
1752
01:31:53,883 --> 01:31:57,261
♪ Just like my mind where I'm goin'
No women, no shawties, no nothin' but clothes ♪
1753
01:31:57,344 --> 01:32:01,515
♪ No stoppin' now, my Pirellis on roll
I like my jewelry that's always on whoa ♪
1754
01:32:01,599 --> 01:32:05,311
♪ I know the storm is comin'
My pockets keep tellin' me it's gonna shower ♪
1755
01:32:05,394 --> 01:32:09,190
♪ Call up my homies, it's on
Then pop in the next 'cause this mix'll be ours ♪
1756
01:32:09,273 --> 01:32:12,651
♪ We keep a fade-away shot 'cause we ballin'
It's Platinum Patrón that be ours ♪
1757
01:32:12,735 --> 01:32:16,947
♪ Lil mama, I owe you just like the flowers
Girl, you the drink with all that goodie powers ♪
1758
01:32:17,031 --> 01:32:20,701
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1759
01:32:20,785 --> 01:32:24,538
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1760
01:32:24,622 --> 01:32:28,417
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1761
01:32:28,501 --> 01:32:31,670
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1762
01:32:31,754 --> 01:32:35,633
♪ From the top of the pole I watch her go down
She got me throwin' my money around ♪
1763
01:32:35,716 --> 01:32:39,386
♪ Ain't nothin' more beautiful to be found
It's goin' down, down ♪
1764
01:32:39,470 --> 01:32:43,307
♪ From the top of the pole I watch her go down
She got me throwin' my money around ♪
1765
01:32:43,390 --> 01:32:47,144
♪ Ain't nothin' more beautiful to be found
It's goin' down, down ♪
1766
01:32:47,228 --> 01:32:51,273
♪ Hey, shawty must know I'm the man
My money love her like her number one fan ♪
1767
01:32:51,357 --> 01:32:55,152
♪ Don't open my mouth, let her talk to my fans
My Benjamin Franklins ♪
1768
01:32:55,236 --> 01:32:58,781
♪ A couple of grands, I got rubber bands
My paper planes makin' her dance ♪
1769
01:32:58,864 --> 01:33:02,159
♪ Get dirty all night, that's part of my plan
We buildin' castles that's made out of sand ♪
1770
01:33:02,243 --> 01:33:04,036
♪ She's amazin', fire blazin' ♪
1771
01:33:04,120 --> 01:33:06,789
♪ Hotter than Cajun
Girl, won't you move a lil closer? ♪
1772
01:33:06,872 --> 01:33:10,626
♪ Time to get paid, it's maximum wage
That body belong on a poster ♪
1773
01:33:10,709 --> 01:33:14,130
♪ I'm in a daze, that bottom is wavin' at me
Like, "Damn it, I know you" ♪
1774
01:33:14,213 --> 01:33:18,425
♪ You wanna shoot like a gun out of holster
Tell me whatever and I'll be your gopher ♪
1775
01:33:18,509 --> 01:33:22,221
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1776
01:33:22,304 --> 01:33:26,016
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1777
01:33:26,100 --> 01:33:29,937
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1778
01:33:30,020 --> 01:33:33,149
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1779
01:33:33,232 --> 01:33:37,027
♪ From the top of the pole I watch her go down
She got me throwin' my money around ♪
1780
01:33:37,111 --> 01:33:40,698
♪ Ain't nothin' more beautiful to be found
It's goin' down, down ♪
1781
01:33:40,781 --> 01:33:44,785
♪ From the top of the pole I watch her go down
She got me throwin' my money around ♪
1782
01:33:44,869 --> 01:33:48,622
♪ Ain't nothin' more beautiful to be found
It's goin' down, down ♪
1783
01:33:48,706 --> 01:33:53,127
♪ Yeah, I'm spendin' my money, I'm out of control ♪
1784
01:33:53,210 --> 01:33:56,964
♪ Somebody help me, she takin' my bank roll ♪
1785
01:33:57,047 --> 01:34:00,259
♪ But I'm king of the club
And I'm wearin' the crown ♪
1786
01:34:00,342 --> 01:34:04,513
♪ Poppin' these bottles, touchin' these models
Watchin' they asses go down, down ♪
1787
01:34:12,271 --> 01:34:16,066
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1788
01:34:16,150 --> 01:34:19,862
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1789
01:34:19,945 --> 01:34:23,741
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1790
01:34:23,824 --> 01:34:27,536
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1791
01:34:27,620 --> 01:34:31,415
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1792
01:34:31,498 --> 01:34:35,252
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪
1793
01:34:35,336 --> 01:34:39,089
♪ You spin my head right round, right round ♪
1794
01:34:39,173 --> 01:34:42,927
♪ When you go down, when you go down, down ♪♪
1795
01:34:46,388 --> 01:34:48,390
[♪♪♪]
1796
01:34:50,388 --> 01:34:55,390
SUBTITLES BY C0KE@NETHD.ORG