1 00:01:38,147 --> 00:01:39,238 Oh, my God. 2 00:01:57,376 --> 00:01:59,380 -Miss Hayes. -What? 3 00:01:59,836 --> 00:02:01,260 -Never mind. -Agnes. 4 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,059 -Yes, Miss Hayes. -What is it? 5 00:02:03,214 --> 00:02:06,512 Nothing, I wondered if you had a moment, but you don't, that's fine. 6 00:02:06,676 --> 00:02:08,516 I do. I'm sorry. Please come in. 7 00:02:08,678 --> 00:02:10,186 I didn't mean to snap at you. 8 00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:13,811 -Do you know anything about phones? -I know everything about phones. 9 00:02:13,976 --> 00:02:16,989 I can't make head or tail of this cellular that David bought. 10 00:02:17,146 --> 00:02:19,483 I don't know anything about those phones. 11 00:02:19,648 --> 00:02:23,160 Nowadays, you have to have a degree in computers to set your clock back. 12 00:02:23,319 --> 00:02:25,572 To turn your alarm on, to make a phone call. 13 00:02:25,738 --> 00:02:27,910 -I know. -And do you know why? 14 00:02:28,074 --> 00:02:29,960 -I don't know. -Men. 15 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,162 Men? 16 00:02:31,327 --> 00:02:34,460 They're all little boys on one big search for the ultimate toy. 17 00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:35,665 I know. 18 00:02:35,833 --> 00:02:38,679 -You know the worst part of it is? -I don't know. 19 00:02:38,835 --> 00:02:40,508 We have to share the same toy box. 20 00:02:41,380 --> 00:02:42,589 I know. 21 00:02:42,756 --> 00:02:45,556 David decides to have this cellular phone for stakeouts... 22 00:02:45,718 --> 00:02:46,809 ...but do I want one? 23 00:02:47,177 --> 00:02:49,763 -I don't know. -No. Do I know how to use one? 24 00:02:49,930 --> 00:02:52,610 -I don't know. -No. Can I figure it out? 25 00:02:52,765 --> 00:02:53,859 No. 26 00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:55,906 Of course I can figure it out. 27 00:02:56,061 --> 00:02:58,149 -But do I have the time or interest? -No? 28 00:02:58,313 --> 00:03:00,614 Right. And whose problem is that? 29 00:03:00,774 --> 00:03:02,661 -Is that his problem? -No. 30 00:03:02,819 --> 00:03:06,200 Mine! I have to learn how to use this because he has to have his toys. 31 00:03:06,364 --> 00:03:08,166 -Because they're all the same. -Who? 32 00:03:08,324 --> 00:03:11,255 Men. What was it you wanted to talk to me about? 33 00:03:11,411 --> 00:03:12,918 -Men. -You too? 34 00:03:15,248 --> 00:03:17,335 Agnes... 35 00:03:20,002 --> 00:03:21,095 ...is that a rash? 36 00:03:21,254 --> 00:03:24,219 No, but I wish it were. 37 00:03:24,383 --> 00:03:27,146 A rash is an act of nature, like hives. 38 00:03:27,302 --> 00:03:30,435 But this? This is an act of Burt. 39 00:03:30,598 --> 00:03:32,685 -It is. -Stubble burn. 40 00:03:33,976 --> 00:03:38,153 Oh, Miss Hayes, I'm so happy to hear you say that. 41 00:03:38,314 --> 00:03:40,947 You know how this feels? it's happened to you? 42 00:03:41,108 --> 00:03:45,200 All the time. Well, not all the time, but I know how you feel. 43 00:03:45,362 --> 00:03:48,709 You don't know what that means to me, knowing that I can come to you. 44 00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:51,500 Miss Hayes, can we speak frankly? 45 00:03:52,036 --> 00:03:53,673 Of course, Agnes. 46 00:03:53,829 --> 00:03:58,801 Because you're my boss, I tend to think of you as my boss. 47 00:03:59,961 --> 00:04:03,473 But at a time like this, it makes me feel really good... 48 00:04:03,631 --> 00:04:07,689 ...to also know that I can think of you as a sister. 49 00:04:08,136 --> 00:04:10,984 Oh, Agnes, that's wonderful. 50 00:04:11,139 --> 00:04:13,226 Honestly, I feel the same way about you. 51 00:04:14,059 --> 00:04:16,693 Oh, this is such a load off my mind. 52 00:04:16,854 --> 00:04:20,200 I've been dragging this beard burn around for days. 53 00:04:20,357 --> 00:04:23,074 I haven't been able to talk to a soul. 54 00:04:23,235 --> 00:04:24,528 Burt just tunes me out. 55 00:04:24,695 --> 00:04:26,367 Even my mother doesn't understand. 56 00:04:28,449 --> 00:04:31,333 Dad never had any body hair. 57 00:04:31,661 --> 00:04:35,623 So I decided to come to you because I know you'll help. 58 00:04:35,790 --> 00:04:38,044 I'd be happy to, Agnes... 59 00:04:38,209 --> 00:04:40,262 ...but what do you want me to do exactly? 60 00:04:40,420 --> 00:04:41,713 Nothing. 61 00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:44,931 It's just enough knowing that you agree with me. 62 00:04:45,091 --> 00:04:46,930 So now I can tell Burt... 63 00:04:47,093 --> 00:04:50,725 ...that you don't like having your pantyhose shredded anymore than I do. 64 00:04:50,889 --> 00:04:53,569 Hey, I know you two are getting all highly and giggly... 65 00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:56,109 -...but you gotta check this guy out. -What guy? 66 00:04:56,269 --> 00:04:58,987 I don't know. I called him Kooky, he didn't seem to mind. 67 00:04:59,147 --> 00:05:01,947 Popped in here while you two are having your knitting bee. 68 00:05:03,735 --> 00:05:05,242 Is this guy a specimen or what? 69 00:05:05,403 --> 00:05:07,290 -What does he want? -He brought a video. 70 00:05:07,448 --> 00:05:10,461 -He wants us to take a look-see. -What is it? 71 00:05:11,201 --> 00:05:14,214 From what I can gather, his boss wants to retain our services. 72 00:05:14,371 --> 00:05:17,920 Wow, video clients, a new frontier. 73 00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:19,676 Yeah. 74 00:05:19,835 --> 00:05:22,718 But progress is not without its downside, Miss Di Pesto. 75 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,808 Why, someday you, me, Miss Hayes, we may all be replaced by holograms. 76 00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:29,554 -We may? -I think it's very possible. 77 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,192 Maybe we'd ask him in to talk. 78 00:05:31,347 --> 00:05:34,195 Kooky? I already tried. Cat's got his tongue. 79 00:05:34,351 --> 00:05:36,356 You can see the scratch marks on his face. 80 00:05:36,519 --> 00:05:39,532 The way I figure it is, his boss is your Howard Hughes type. 81 00:05:39,689 --> 00:05:42,371 Pads around the compound with Kleenex boxes on his feet. 82 00:05:42,527 --> 00:05:45,290 Stores his precious bodily fluids in mayonnaise jars. 83 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,702 It's a "yechy" world, Agnes. 84 00:05:47,865 --> 00:05:49,916 Maybe the person he works for is just shy. 85 00:05:50,075 --> 00:05:51,629 Could be, but my guess is... 86 00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:54,253 ...he likes to stay home boiling his own underwear. 87 00:05:54,413 --> 00:05:57,841 Watching old reruns of Hee Haw, while his vast network of operatives... 88 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,299 ...is like Kooky out there run his empire of weirdness. 89 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:05,097 Well, busy, busy, busy. 90 00:06:06,592 --> 00:06:09,689 -That rug burn Agnes is sporting? -That's none of your business. 91 00:06:09,846 --> 00:06:11,056 Oh, you could be right. 92 00:06:11,222 --> 00:06:13,109 Why, you know, I like this case already. 93 00:06:13,266 --> 00:06:16,778 -We don't know what we're asked to do. -Makes it more interesting. 94 00:06:17,521 --> 00:06:19,442 I am so sorry. 95 00:06:19,606 --> 00:06:21,943 Let's go to the video tape. 96 00:06:22,525 --> 00:06:23,736 Take it easy, big fellow. 97 00:06:23,902 --> 00:06:27,699 Agnes, see if Kooky here wants cream and sugar in his formaldehyde. 98 00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:31,911 Get a load of this. 99 00:06:32,494 --> 00:06:34,581 "What you are about to see is the truth. 100 00:06:34,746 --> 00:06:36,834 For reasons that you will soon understand... 101 00:06:36,999 --> 00:06:41,970 ...I have decided to spare us both the discomfort of a personal meeting. 102 00:06:42,379 --> 00:06:45,346 Once you have viewed the tape, blah, blah, blah-- 103 00:06:45,508 --> 00:06:50,977 The utmost confidence. Yours truly, Leslie Hunziger." 104 00:06:51,139 --> 00:06:53,857 -Hot Sushi Girls. -That doggone Fast Eddie. 105 00:06:54,017 --> 00:06:56,271 Every time I take the machine in this happens. 106 00:06:56,436 --> 00:07:00,196 Probably uses this tape to test the stop action. 107 00:07:00,357 --> 00:07:01,994 How could she eat raw fish? 108 00:07:02,150 --> 00:07:03,491 It's red snapper. 109 00:07:03,652 --> 00:07:04,826 An acquired taste. 110 00:07:05,654 --> 00:07:07,374 David. 111 00:07:09,574 --> 00:07:11,414 What are those two doing to each other? 112 00:07:11,577 --> 00:07:14,294 So finally, the truth comes out. 113 00:07:14,455 --> 00:07:17,004 You little closet kinkoid, you. 114 00:07:17,166 --> 00:07:19,336 You're a normal, red-blooded American male... 115 00:07:19,502 --> 00:07:22,182 ...but the slightest glimmer of interest from a woman... 116 00:07:22,338 --> 00:07:23,726 ...and I'm a "kinkoid"? 117 00:07:23,881 --> 00:07:26,349 Vixen, you. You minx. 118 00:07:26,508 --> 00:07:29,309 Men. You wanna put us on a pedestal or down in the gutter. 119 00:07:29,470 --> 00:07:32,056 That way we can look up your dress or down your blouse. 120 00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:34,644 Start the tape. 121 00:07:44,235 --> 00:07:46,490 My name is Leslie Hunziger. 122 00:07:46,655 --> 00:07:47,913 Bazooka Joe. 123 00:07:48,073 --> 00:07:50,493 What I do for a living doesn't matter... 124 00:07:50,659 --> 00:07:54,004 ...nor do the details of my so-called existence. 125 00:07:54,162 --> 00:07:57,876 What does matter as far as you and this case are concerned... 126 00:07:58,041 --> 00:08:03,890 ...is that thanks to faulty cosmetic surgery, I am a monster. 127 00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:06,468 -Why'd you do that? -I don't think this is our case. 128 00:08:06,634 --> 00:08:08,721 -I wanna hear this man out. -No, you don't. 129 00:08:08,885 --> 00:08:11,271 Don't tell me what I don't wanna do. 130 00:08:13,683 --> 00:08:16,187 Three years ago, I had plastic surgery. 131 00:08:16,352 --> 00:08:18,404 I believed it would make me look younger... 132 00:08:18,563 --> 00:08:20,982 ...more appealing to my wife. 133 00:08:21,148 --> 00:08:24,079 I'd been warned that the procedure I was to undergo... 134 00:08:24,235 --> 00:08:27,035 ...was highly experimental. 135 00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:28,703 But the potential benefits... 136 00:08:28,864 --> 00:08:33,125 ...the restoration of my face to its former youth... 137 00:08:33,287 --> 00:08:36,170 ...was simply too tempting to resist. 138 00:08:36,331 --> 00:08:38,134 Be a good time to go to lunch. 139 00:08:38,291 --> 00:08:39,799 What, you one of them shushers? 140 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:43,507 One of them people that a guy nine rows away whispers to his girlfriend... 141 00:08:43,672 --> 00:08:45,724 -...you shush him? -David, please be quiet. 142 00:08:45,882 --> 00:08:47,887 This man's in pain and he needs our help. 143 00:08:48,052 --> 00:08:52,808 ...gifted in this field was unable to repair his own mistakes. 144 00:08:53,057 --> 00:08:57,898 The great Dr. Brill had failed... 145 00:08:58,062 --> 00:09:01,739 ...and now, thanks to his technique... 146 00:09:01,899 --> 00:09:04,996 ...I'm a prisoner in my own house... 147 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,331 ...reviled by family and friends... 148 00:09:07,489 --> 00:09:12,377 ...set apart forever from the rest of humanity. 149 00:09:13,328 --> 00:09:15,547 A dreadful mistake? 150 00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:17,634 Perhaps. 151 00:09:17,832 --> 00:09:21,047 But there are reasons known only to myself.. 152 00:09:21,211 --> 00:09:23,892 ...that caused me to believe otherwise. 153 00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:26,017 Why is he wearing them white gloves--? 154 00:09:26,175 --> 00:09:29,556 Now, what I want from you is concrete evidence... 155 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:34,110 ...that this condition is a direct result... 156 00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:37,860 ...of willful, preventable malpractice. 157 00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:41,402 I'm willing to share a portion of the settlement... 158 00:09:41,566 --> 00:09:43,368 ...along with your usual fee. 159 00:09:43,776 --> 00:09:45,413 But the reason I am doing this... 160 00:09:45,570 --> 00:09:50,161 ...is to make sure that no one ever has to suffer... 161 00:09:50,325 --> 00:09:52,745 ...as I have suffered. 162 00:09:54,329 --> 00:09:59,218 I want that scalpel out of this man's hands. 163 00:09:59,376 --> 00:10:02,093 I want justice. 164 00:10:03,839 --> 00:10:05,132 That's a sad story. 165 00:10:05,298 --> 00:10:08,348 Yeah, right up there with "Boy eats other foot, slays self." 166 00:10:08,511 --> 00:10:10,183 Why are you against this case? 167 00:10:10,345 --> 00:10:12,433 Because I don't think it's our cup of tea. 168 00:10:12,597 --> 00:10:14,151 -Why is that? -it's unromantic. 169 00:10:14,307 --> 00:10:17,607 There's no spurned lover, no jealous husband, no obsessive mistress. 170 00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:20,618 This is an ordinary run-of-the-mill botched-surgery victim. 171 00:10:20,773 --> 00:10:22,659 -You know what I think? -Usually. 172 00:10:22,816 --> 00:10:25,201 I think this hits you where it hurts: your vanity. 173 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:26,702 -My what? -You heard me. 174 00:10:26,863 --> 00:10:28,583 This from a woman who used to primp? 175 00:10:28,739 --> 00:10:30,496 David, it's all right, it's fine. 176 00:10:30,658 --> 00:10:33,244 Everybody has something that sets their teeth on edge. 177 00:10:33,411 --> 00:10:36,046 With you, it's your face. With me, it's contact lenses. 178 00:10:36,206 --> 00:10:38,425 Putting anything in my eye makes me squeamish. 179 00:10:38,583 --> 00:10:41,965 It's gonna take more than some clown with a dickey to make me squeamish. 180 00:10:42,128 --> 00:10:45,012 -So we'll take the case. -Fine. 181 00:10:53,766 --> 00:10:56,316 -What was that? -Still got eyes, a nose, and a mouth? 182 00:10:56,477 --> 00:10:59,027 -I'm touching up my makeup. -I'm the one who's vain. 183 00:10:59,187 --> 00:11:01,359 -Forget I said anything. -You called me vain. 184 00:11:01,524 --> 00:11:03,909 -I'm not gonna forget that. -Okay, David, sorry. 185 00:11:04,068 --> 00:11:06,239 But why wouldn't you wanna help Mr. Hunziger? 186 00:11:06,403 --> 00:11:10,284 Hunziger. I'm not saying he deserved what he got, but he asked for it. 187 00:11:10,450 --> 00:11:13,499 Don't you have any compassion for what he's been through? 188 00:11:13,661 --> 00:11:15,630 Yeah, but this could 've been prevented... 189 00:11:15,788 --> 00:11:18,469 ...if he hadn't started rearranging the bone structure. 190 00:11:18,624 --> 00:11:20,464 Wives do it for husbands all the time. 191 00:11:20,627 --> 00:11:24,055 Last I heard, you took somebody for richer, poorer, sickness, health... 192 00:11:24,213 --> 00:11:26,301 -...gorgeous or ugly. -You'd feel different... 193 00:11:26,465 --> 00:11:29,930 -...if you hadn't lucked out in the face. -You don't stop clocks yourself. 194 00:11:30,095 --> 00:11:32,016 My point is, it's normal for a person... 195 00:11:32,181 --> 00:11:35,146 ...to want to make themselves more attractive to people. 196 00:11:35,308 --> 00:11:36,351 Within reason. 197 00:11:36,519 --> 00:11:39,199 Take garters and stockings, do women enjoy wearing them? 198 00:11:39,355 --> 00:11:41,858 -Now we're serious. -They're draughty, time-consuming. 199 00:11:42,024 --> 00:11:45,240 I have yet to meet a man who doesn't drool at the thought of them. 200 00:11:45,403 --> 00:11:47,325 -Gets a rise out of me. -Exactly. 201 00:11:47,488 --> 00:11:50,335 I have several hundred dollars worth I'd rather not wear. 202 00:11:50,491 --> 00:11:52,461 I like my blondes on the half shell. 203 00:11:52,618 --> 00:11:54,790 -But you get my point. -You made your point. 204 00:11:54,954 --> 00:11:58,087 Women dress up, fiddle with this, f addle with that. Makeup, wigs. 205 00:11:58,249 --> 00:12:00,835 When nothing short of Spackle will cover the damage... 206 00:12:01,002 --> 00:12:02,841 -...they go for a tuck. -And men don't? 207 00:12:03,005 --> 00:12:05,092 There's a difference between girls and boys. 208 00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:07,392 Unfortunately, Father Time plays favorites. 209 00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:10,849 Listen, you're gonna have your share of pouches and wrinkles too. 210 00:12:11,012 --> 00:12:12,567 That's right, character, baby. 211 00:12:13,682 --> 00:12:14,893 Harvard. 212 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,644 Good school. 213 00:12:18,062 --> 00:12:19,353 Didn't get into Yale. 214 00:12:19,730 --> 00:12:22,530 So, what can we do for you? 215 00:12:22,692 --> 00:12:24,447 Well... 216 00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:26,163 ...I don't know exactly. 217 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,416 I'm not sure why I'm here. I guess I'm afraid of getting old. 218 00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:32,077 -Not exactly a new story. -No. 219 00:12:32,243 --> 00:12:34,413 But I'd love to hear your version of it. 220 00:12:34,579 --> 00:12:36,215 Would you like to take a seat? 221 00:12:40,168 --> 00:12:43,181 What are you afraid of exactly? 222 00:12:43,838 --> 00:12:47,100 Well, you know, when you're young... 223 00:12:47,257 --> 00:12:49,727 ...you can't imagine anything being different... 224 00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:51,725 ...but then-- 225 00:12:52,764 --> 00:12:55,647 Well, I guess I'm just used to all eyes being on me. 226 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:59,155 In your case, most of the cameras as well. 227 00:13:00,272 --> 00:13:02,323 It's my job to know faces. 228 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,569 Particularly, the beautiful ones. 229 00:13:04,735 --> 00:13:05,779 Thank you. 230 00:13:05,944 --> 00:13:07,914 I've had women patients come in here... 231 00:13:08,072 --> 00:13:10,789 ...with your magazine covers, pleading: 232 00:13:10,950 --> 00:13:13,713 "Make me look like the Blue Moon Shampoo Girl." 233 00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:16,455 -Really? -I had to let them down easy. 234 00:13:16,622 --> 00:13:18,709 They don't teach you that, even at Yale. 235 00:13:18,875 --> 00:13:21,804 Well, I'm flattered, but that was then. 236 00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:25,219 This is now. 237 00:13:25,631 --> 00:13:27,103 Let's have a look. 238 00:13:35,808 --> 00:13:38,027 -Hi. -May I help you? 239 00:13:38,186 --> 00:13:40,655 I'm here from Harum-Scarum Drapery Cleaning... 240 00:13:40,815 --> 00:13:41,858 ...about the estimate. 241 00:13:42,649 --> 00:13:45,033 This pretty much explains male pattern baldness... 242 00:13:45,193 --> 00:13:48,123 ...and describes some of the medical options available. 243 00:13:48,279 --> 00:13:52,160 -What's that? -We don't have drapes, just blinds. 244 00:13:53,201 --> 00:13:54,294 It's okay. 245 00:13:54,453 --> 00:13:57,965 You'd be surprised how many guys come in here feeling a little awkward... 246 00:13:58,123 --> 00:14:00,176 ...but I wouldn't worry if I were you. 247 00:14:00,334 --> 00:14:01,924 You've got a great look. 248 00:14:02,086 --> 00:14:05,383 -You think so? -Personally, I prefer a high forehead. 249 00:14:05,548 --> 00:14:09,475 Yeah. It has been linked to higher intelligence... 250 00:14:09,635 --> 00:14:12,435 ...and a higher level of male hormones in the bloodstream. 251 00:14:12,596 --> 00:14:15,526 An old wives tale, but you've got a great look. 252 00:14:16,018 --> 00:14:18,188 The doctor is with a patient right now. 253 00:14:18,353 --> 00:14:21,486 If you'd like a consultation, he has an opening after lunch. 254 00:14:21,648 --> 00:14:24,448 Maybe I'll just thumb through the brochure for a minute. 255 00:14:24,609 --> 00:14:26,911 You know where I can get a sandwich around here? 256 00:14:27,071 --> 00:14:29,158 There's a little place across the street. 257 00:14:29,322 --> 00:14:32,455 -Would you like to join me? -I'm brown-bagging it today. 258 00:14:32,617 --> 00:14:34,872 We could have a luncheon for two on the grass. 259 00:14:35,037 --> 00:14:37,089 Wouldn't be very professional of me. 260 00:14:37,248 --> 00:14:39,632 It's not good for your digestion to eat alone. 261 00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:43,090 -Are you hitting on me? -Yeah. 262 00:14:43,254 --> 00:14:46,350 Well, you know what they say. Men age better than women. 263 00:14:46,507 --> 00:14:48,060 -Who says that? -A friend. 264 00:14:48,217 --> 00:14:50,553 -He's dead wrong. -I didn't say it was a man. 265 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,690 Only a man would say something so stupid. 266 00:14:52,847 --> 00:14:56,394 Each stage of a woman's life is a different season. 267 00:14:56,559 --> 00:14:58,362 Each beautiful in its own way. 268 00:14:58,519 --> 00:15:01,238 You're saying I'm approaching the winter of my discontent. 269 00:15:01,398 --> 00:15:03,201 You've got nothing to worry about. 270 00:15:03,358 --> 00:15:06,704 Besides, the French say that a woman under 30... 271 00:15:06,861 --> 00:15:08,866 ...is like an unripe peach. 272 00:15:09,030 --> 00:15:10,917 Are you saying I have to move to France? 273 00:15:11,075 --> 00:15:15,381 No. Our culture treats aging as if it were some kind of illness... 274 00:15:15,537 --> 00:15:17,542 ...instead of the natural course of life. 275 00:15:17,706 --> 00:15:20,921 We think if we take enough vitamins, or do enough exercise... 276 00:15:21,085 --> 00:15:24,430 ...or glop on enough face cream, we can stave off the inevitable. 277 00:15:24,588 --> 00:15:25,798 What I am saying is... 278 00:15:25,964 --> 00:15:28,551 ...that we should spend less time avoiding life... 279 00:15:28,717 --> 00:15:30,271 ...and more time living it. 280 00:15:30,428 --> 00:15:33,642 A comedian? I knew it. I had a feeling. 281 00:15:33,806 --> 00:15:36,357 Do bears bear, do bees bee? 282 00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:37,728 That's funny. 283 00:15:37,894 --> 00:15:40,113 It's some new material I've been working on. 284 00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,071 Really? I'd love to come see your act sometime. 285 00:15:43,441 --> 00:15:44,913 Well, next time I'm working... 286 00:15:45,068 --> 00:15:47,322 ...I'll get passes for you and your boyfriend. 287 00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:49,824 -I don't have a boyfriend. -Really? 288 00:15:49,989 --> 00:15:53,917 Well, I'm very surprised. You are a really pretty girl. 289 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,712 You'd be the girl that'd be walking down some runway... 290 00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:58,758 ...showing off somebody's fall fashions. 291 00:15:58,915 --> 00:16:03,591 Thanks, but I haven't always looked the way I look right now. 292 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,681 -Like this. -I didn't always look this way either. 293 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:10,019 I used to be three-feet tall and have freckles and a cowlick. 294 00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:13,938 No. I mean, up until a couple of years ago... 295 00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:16,483 ...before I went to work for Dr. Brill... 296 00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:20,866 ...a guy like you wouldn't have given me a second look. 297 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,363 I was invisible. 298 00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:25,371 You block out the light in a much more interesting way now. 299 00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:29,408 You're so funny. 300 00:16:32,493 --> 00:16:35,256 I never thought I would be any different. 301 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,916 And Dr. Brill came into the deli one day. 302 00:16:38,082 --> 00:16:39,588 I used to workin a deli. 303 00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:41,091 He ordered three-bean salad. 304 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:44,430 I gave him a discount because it only had two beans. 305 00:16:44,588 --> 00:16:45,632 He took a number. 306 00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:48,977 And all the time he's waiting, he was looking at me. 307 00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:50,806 When it was his turn, he said... 308 00:16:50,970 --> 00:16:54,184 ...a pound of pastrami, and would I like to be a different person? 309 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:58,026 I thought he had a couple of cocktails for lunch. 310 00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:01,909 -So he did some work on you? -A little. 311 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,912 You ever seen those statues by Michelangelo? 312 00:17:05,068 --> 00:17:09,030 Those great looking guys blasted out of hunks of rock? 313 00:17:10,823 --> 00:17:13,789 Nipped, snipped, tucked, sculpted, tailored. 314 00:17:13,952 --> 00:17:16,123 One hundred percent man-made. 315 00:17:16,288 --> 00:17:18,968 -Dr. Brill. -Made me into his fantasy. 316 00:17:19,124 --> 00:17:20,796 Well, it's not a bad fantasy. 317 00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:22,426 Thanks. 318 00:17:22,586 --> 00:17:25,054 He raised my right eye, lowered my left. 319 00:17:25,213 --> 00:17:27,384 New ears, fixed my jaw. 320 00:17:27,549 --> 00:17:31,097 Give me two bosoms I can really be proud of. 321 00:17:33,472 --> 00:17:36,486 Sure as hell can rip your heart into a million pieces. 322 00:17:36,642 --> 00:17:37,899 You and he were an item. 323 00:17:38,059 --> 00:17:40,030 "Were" being the operative word. 324 00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:47,329 -You know her? -Not exactly. 325 00:17:47,486 --> 00:17:48,745 She's a patient. 326 00:17:48,905 --> 00:17:51,491 Dr. Brill's latest creation. 327 00:17:51,658 --> 00:17:53,378 I'd like to kill her. 328 00:17:53,535 --> 00:17:56,548 Use her body for spare parts. 329 00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:58,587 So, what's the diagnosis? 330 00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,299 Beautiful. 331 00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:02,554 Seriously... 332 00:18:02,711 --> 00:18:05,392 ...I'm good, but sometimes God comes along... 333 00:18:05,546 --> 00:18:07,220 ...and puts me in my place. 334 00:18:07,383 --> 00:18:10,977 I wouldn't dream of jeopardising that with something so clumsy as surgery. 335 00:18:14,639 --> 00:18:16,727 -I don't believe it. -You better believe it. 336 00:18:16,893 --> 00:18:18,648 -Well, I don't, it's impossible. -No. 337 00:18:18,811 --> 00:18:20,863 Twenty two episodes a season is impossible. 338 00:18:21,021 --> 00:18:24,486 But Brill playing doctor with his girl patients is not only possible... 339 00:18:24,650 --> 00:18:26,204 ...but it's walking towards us. 340 00:18:26,361 --> 00:18:28,662 How do we know she's a patient and not a friend? 341 00:18:28,821 --> 00:18:31,751 He puts his trademark where her bellybutton ought to be. 342 00:18:31,907 --> 00:18:33,581 Nurse Saundra is telling the truth? 343 00:18:33,743 --> 00:18:36,044 Why would she lie? Two or three times a week... 344 00:18:36,204 --> 00:18:38,256 ...this dreamboat comes for an appointment. 345 00:18:38,414 --> 00:18:42,212 After, she and the doctor slip across to the hotel for a little hidey-ho. 346 00:18:42,377 --> 00:18:44,548 See how his handiwork holds up in the field. 347 00:18:44,712 --> 00:18:46,682 She's not the only one he does this with. 348 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,426 I can't believe that man could act so unethically. 349 00:18:49,592 --> 00:18:53,555 Well, apparently, he uses his practise to make his very own party dolls. 350 00:20:00,625 --> 00:20:02,595 Dr. Brill. 351 00:20:05,463 --> 00:20:07,349 Two twenty-one? 352 00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:10,349 Excuse me. 353 00:20:10,511 --> 00:20:13,642 -May I help you? -Yeah, I'd like a room, please? 354 00:20:15,015 --> 00:20:16,225 Room 837. 355 00:20:16,391 --> 00:20:19,405 Do you got anything a little lower? I'm afraid of heights. 356 00:20:21,063 --> 00:20:24,242 -Room 108. -Can I have something with a view? 357 00:20:27,319 --> 00:20:29,704 -Room 213. -Thirteen? 358 00:20:29,864 --> 00:20:31,536 Are you kidding? I'm superstitious. 359 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,463 How about room 222? 360 00:20:34,618 --> 00:20:35,875 Two is my lucky number. 361 00:20:38,081 --> 00:20:40,548 No, I'm sorry that room's reserved. 362 00:20:40,708 --> 00:20:43,045 Maybe you could give them room 213. 363 00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:45,132 They're probably not as nervous as I am. 364 00:20:55,015 --> 00:20:57,352 See, you start out watching Hot Sushi Girls. 365 00:20:57,517 --> 00:20:59,604 Next thing you know, you're a degenerate. 366 00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:01,904 David, I can't hear what they're saying. 367 00:21:02,063 --> 00:21:03,820 That was a moan. 368 00:21:03,983 --> 00:21:07,364 Followed by a groan, followed by a high-pitched bark. 369 00:21:07,528 --> 00:21:09,200 David, he's saying something. 370 00:21:09,363 --> 00:21:12,709 Something about something's not round enough, but he can fix it. 371 00:21:12,867 --> 00:21:14,706 -I'm gonna be sick. -Watch the threads. 372 00:21:14,869 --> 00:21:17,253 He's talking about that woman like she's putty. 373 00:21:17,413 --> 00:21:20,260 She was put on Earth for one thing: his personal amusement. 374 00:21:20,416 --> 00:21:24,556 -I can't believe I bought in this weirdo. -He's trying to get you to trust him. 375 00:21:24,712 --> 00:21:28,058 Can you imagine the unnecessary surgery he'd have tried to push on me? 376 00:21:28,216 --> 00:21:29,722 Bet you 5 bucks it'd involve... 377 00:21:29,884 --> 00:21:32,103 -...a radical panty-ectomy. -Panty-ectomy? 378 00:21:32,262 --> 00:21:34,314 Have you prepped for surgery Iickety-split. 379 00:21:34,473 --> 00:21:37,486 I can't understand it. I'm usually a better judge of character. 380 00:21:37,642 --> 00:21:38,982 Don't give yourself credit. 381 00:21:39,144 --> 00:21:41,648 You were involved with Dave-a-roony for a minute. 382 00:21:41,813 --> 00:21:44,946 As vile and low as you are, that man is viler and much lower. 383 00:21:45,108 --> 00:21:47,444 You have no idea what it does for my self-esteem. 384 00:21:47,611 --> 00:21:48,822 Let's go to the office. 385 00:21:48,988 --> 00:21:51,455 I'll go and tell Hunziger his case looks promising. 386 00:21:51,615 --> 00:21:54,332 Wait a minute, what's the rush? The room is paid for. 387 00:21:54,493 --> 00:21:57,293 Somebody else has gotta clean the sheets. 388 00:21:57,455 --> 00:22:00,219 David, forget what I just said. 389 00:22:00,375 --> 00:22:02,545 You and the doctor are in a dead heat. 390 00:22:02,710 --> 00:22:06,139 -Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. -Do it. Do it. Do it. 391 00:22:06,298 --> 00:22:09,061 -Shave it off. -Shut up, people, please? 392 00:22:09,216 --> 00:22:11,352 This is hard enough without a Greek chorus. 393 00:22:12,469 --> 00:22:16,267 This isn't about them. it's about us. 394 00:22:16,432 --> 00:22:18,106 Right. 395 00:22:19,685 --> 00:22:22,271 -What's the point of my doing this? -Just do it, Burt. 396 00:22:22,438 --> 00:22:26,152 Agnes, I'm sorry, one doesn't simply slice off a part of one's anatomy... 397 00:22:26,318 --> 00:22:29,283 ...without being absolutely clear as to the reasons. 398 00:22:30,196 --> 00:22:33,045 Please, for me. 399 00:22:36,829 --> 00:22:38,335 Right. 400 00:22:47,214 --> 00:22:49,054 For us. 401 00:23:12,157 --> 00:23:13,200 O'Neal, Jurgenson. 402 00:23:13,909 --> 00:23:15,546 O'Neal, Jurgenson. 403 00:23:19,957 --> 00:23:21,511 Off the desk and into a corner. 404 00:23:24,252 --> 00:23:27,765 I think the rest of us can forget about recess for the next two weeks. 405 00:23:27,923 --> 00:23:29,680 Miss Di Pesto, what is going on? 406 00:23:30,384 --> 00:23:32,271 Miss Hayes, it's not really their fault. 407 00:23:32,428 --> 00:23:34,100 No, Agnes. 408 00:23:34,764 --> 00:23:37,315 This is a personal matter between us. 409 00:23:40,394 --> 00:23:43,075 Radical look, chief. Wanna fill me in? 410 00:23:43,231 --> 00:23:46,944 Well, sir, the situation is pretty much as it appears. 411 00:23:47,110 --> 00:23:49,447 I was just about to bid sayonara to my beard. 412 00:23:49,612 --> 00:23:52,199 -I thought you liked your beard. -I do. 413 00:23:52,366 --> 00:23:54,122 I'm very attached to my beard. 414 00:23:54,576 --> 00:23:55,787 I love my beard. 415 00:23:55,953 --> 00:23:57,294 Then why the big shave? 416 00:23:57,746 --> 00:24:00,676 Well, that's why, sir, because I do love it. 417 00:24:00,833 --> 00:24:04,464 And by shaving it off, I'm proving something to Agnes. 418 00:24:04,962 --> 00:24:09,387 That I'm willing to sacrifice something important to me for her sake. 419 00:24:09,549 --> 00:24:11,721 Mr. Viola, do you want to shave your beard? 420 00:24:11,886 --> 00:24:13,013 No. 421 00:24:13,179 --> 00:24:16,144 Then you mustn't for Agnes or me or anyone else. 422 00:24:16,307 --> 00:24:18,811 -But this morning-- -I know what I said, Agnes. 423 00:24:18,977 --> 00:24:21,147 Some things are more important than pantyhose. 424 00:24:21,312 --> 00:24:23,317 Miss Hayes is right. 425 00:24:23,481 --> 00:24:26,909 We can't give up control of our bodies, even if it makes someone happy. 426 00:24:27,067 --> 00:24:28,326 It starts with a shave. 427 00:24:28,487 --> 00:24:31,665 Next thing you know, you're looking at the world through a dickey. 428 00:24:31,823 --> 00:24:34,243 -Sir? -Trust me, don't shave. 429 00:24:35,035 --> 00:24:36,542 Now, Miss Hayes and I... 430 00:24:36,704 --> 00:24:39,467 ...have some extremely important business to attend to. 431 00:24:42,543 --> 00:24:45,260 I wonder why Mr. Hunziger insisted we come to the house? 432 00:24:45,421 --> 00:24:48,718 I don't know. Do you get the feeling they might have it backyards? 433 00:24:48,883 --> 00:24:52,062 That somebody might answer the door and say trick or treat? 434 00:24:52,219 --> 00:24:53,974 Kooky, my good man, is the count in? 435 00:24:54,138 --> 00:24:55,645 I believe he's expecting us-- 436 00:24:57,391 --> 00:25:00,855 I generally don't dance with men. In your case, I may make an exception. 437 00:25:01,020 --> 00:25:03,322 We talked to Mr. Hunziger. He asked us to come. 438 00:25:03,481 --> 00:25:05,818 -I'm sure if you checked. -it's all right. 439 00:25:05,984 --> 00:25:08,238 Please, show our guests into the parlour. 440 00:25:10,946 --> 00:25:14,625 Now we know why failed science projects never lived in tract homes. 441 00:25:28,256 --> 00:25:29,930 Welcome. 442 00:25:30,510 --> 00:25:33,937 I hope I haven't inconvenienced you by having you come by. 443 00:25:34,096 --> 00:25:35,898 No, no trouble at all. 444 00:25:36,056 --> 00:25:38,774 We were just out getting our dog spayed. 445 00:25:38,934 --> 00:25:42,696 Mr. Addison, Miss Hayes, I don't mind telling you... 446 00:25:42,855 --> 00:25:45,573 ...how impressed I am with your diligence in this matter. 447 00:25:45,733 --> 00:25:51,167 I've wanted to meet you face-to-face, or an approximation thereof. 448 00:25:51,322 --> 00:25:56,080 At any rate, I hope you'll accept my apology for this contrivance. 449 00:25:56,244 --> 00:25:59,092 I'm sure you'll understand the necessity, however. 450 00:25:59,247 --> 00:26:02,260 -Well, of course. -Yeah, we saw the movie. 451 00:26:02,417 --> 00:26:06,130 What my partner is trying to say is we understand your predicament. 452 00:26:06,881 --> 00:26:08,850 My predicament. 453 00:26:09,007 --> 00:26:11,558 Language is remarkable, isn't it? 454 00:26:11,718 --> 00:26:14,567 A wealth of euphemisms at our disposal... 455 00:26:14,721 --> 00:26:18,862 ...to insulate us from life's less pleasant realities. 456 00:26:19,018 --> 00:26:23,111 Oh, you're far too polite to say so, of course... 457 00:26:23,272 --> 00:26:27,033 ...but the fact is, I am a mutant... 458 00:26:27,235 --> 00:26:28,326 ...a freak. 459 00:26:28,777 --> 00:26:30,035 Did he say mutant? 460 00:26:30,196 --> 00:26:32,415 Mr. Hunziger, please don't say those things. 461 00:26:32,574 --> 00:26:36,286 Miss Hayes, please, your pity only adds to my burden. 462 00:26:36,453 --> 00:26:38,255 Now, what about Dr. Brill? 463 00:26:39,706 --> 00:26:43,134 I'm sorry. I'm being rude. 464 00:26:43,292 --> 00:26:44,716 Won't you sit down? 465 00:26:54,762 --> 00:26:57,777 Well, as I said on the telephone... 466 00:26:57,932 --> 00:27:01,196 ...Dr. Brill puts most of his time and energy into these women. 467 00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:03,405 Most of his patients are 90 percent female. 468 00:27:07,568 --> 00:27:09,538 Timing. 469 00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:12,199 So my deformity... 470 00:27:12,364 --> 00:27:15,579 ...is little more than a vaguely unpleasant afterthought... 471 00:27:15,742 --> 00:27:17,084 ...in Dr. Brill's mind. 472 00:27:17,245 --> 00:27:22,844 An experiment that went wrong, while he pursues his true passion. 473 00:27:23,459 --> 00:27:26,509 Well, it's good to see you kept your sense of humour about it. 474 00:27:26,672 --> 00:27:27,845 Leslie. 475 00:27:29,341 --> 00:27:32,021 Oh, excuse me, I didn't realise you had company. 476 00:27:32,176 --> 00:27:35,724 I don't believe you've met my wife. 477 00:27:43,189 --> 00:27:45,869 What are we gonna do? We can't hide out in the bathroom. 478 00:27:46,025 --> 00:27:48,907 -I guess a bath is out of the question. -He's gonna think... 479 00:27:49,069 --> 00:27:52,083 -...we flushed ourselves down the toilet. -That's one way out. 480 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,786 I don't know how to tell that man that his wife is cheating on him... 481 00:27:55,952 --> 00:27:58,039 ...with the same doctor who ruined his face. 482 00:27:58,204 --> 00:28:00,541 Liberace soap. Think he'll miss one? 483 00:28:00,707 --> 00:28:02,510 -David. -You want me to talk to him? 484 00:28:02,667 --> 00:28:05,467 I just don't know how to give this guy any more bad news. 485 00:28:05,628 --> 00:28:08,048 After all he's been through, it seems so cruel. 486 00:28:08,214 --> 00:28:10,266 Well, he paid us for the truth. 487 00:28:10,425 --> 00:28:13,273 Because it happens to be cruel, doesn't mean it's not true. 488 00:28:13,428 --> 00:28:15,848 -You better go there and do the deed. -Me? 489 00:28:16,014 --> 00:28:17,568 -You. -We just decided on you. 490 00:28:17,724 --> 00:28:19,694 You're much better at breaking hearts. 491 00:28:19,852 --> 00:28:22,153 You're worried about me putting my foot in my mouth. 492 00:28:22,312 --> 00:28:25,658 You'll do fine. As a matter of fact, why don't I wait in the bathroom? 493 00:28:25,816 --> 00:28:28,700 Forget it. You're the one who got me into this Corman movie. 494 00:28:28,861 --> 00:28:31,365 We'll both go and tell him, but I just feel terrible. 495 00:28:31,530 --> 00:28:33,202 That poor man, it's gonna kill him. 496 00:28:33,365 --> 00:28:35,204 Wonderful. 497 00:28:35,660 --> 00:28:39,373 Look, maybe you didn't hear us right. We said your wife is having an affair. 498 00:28:39,539 --> 00:28:41,757 Oh, it was only a matter of time. 499 00:28:41,916 --> 00:28:46,805 Michelle is not a woman who's going to let her needs go unmet. 500 00:28:46,963 --> 00:28:50,095 It would be unreasonable and naive of me to think otherwise. 501 00:28:50,257 --> 00:28:54,601 After all, a man with no lips can hardly kiss his wife. 502 00:28:54,763 --> 00:28:57,527 But the man she's seeing is Dr. Brill. 503 00:28:57,682 --> 00:29:00,363 Well, it's all the more delicious. 504 00:29:00,519 --> 00:29:03,698 My case is now totally solid. 505 00:29:03,856 --> 00:29:06,026 He ruined me, then he stole my wife. 506 00:29:06,191 --> 00:29:10,071 What judge could possibly find him innocent? 507 00:29:10,236 --> 00:29:11,828 I'll make millions. 508 00:29:11,989 --> 00:29:14,789 Wait, what about this justice you were talking about... 509 00:29:14,951 --> 00:29:17,714 -...on the video tape you gave us? -Miss Hayes. 510 00:29:17,869 --> 00:29:21,548 There are two things in this world that man can't get enough of: 511 00:29:21,707 --> 00:29:24,127 Beautiful women and money. 512 00:29:24,293 --> 00:29:27,591 Since the former is no longer within my grasp... 513 00:29:27,755 --> 00:29:29,843 ...I've developed a taste for the latter. 514 00:29:30,007 --> 00:29:35,062 I'll take his cash, he can have all the women he wants. 515 00:29:35,221 --> 00:29:36,478 Justice. 516 00:29:36,639 --> 00:29:38,479 Sounds more like revenge to me. 517 00:29:39,809 --> 00:29:43,155 A fine line between reparation and revenge. 518 00:29:43,313 --> 00:29:47,573 We'll let the jury decide that, but now we need evidence. 519 00:29:47,734 --> 00:29:51,578 I want you to take photographs of my wife and that man. Colour. 520 00:29:51,739 --> 00:29:55,452 The more graphic, the more persuasive they'll bein court. 521 00:29:55,618 --> 00:29:58,715 Follow them. Document everything that they do. 522 00:29:58,871 --> 00:30:02,085 And, oh, yes and we'll need some sound recordings and videotape. 523 00:30:02,249 --> 00:30:06,177 Mr. Hunziger, I'm not certain we're the right people to continue on this case. 524 00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:10,976 Because of what I am, my predicament, as you say... 525 00:30:11,134 --> 00:30:13,981 ...this must seem all the more ugly. 526 00:30:14,137 --> 00:30:19,025 But if you believe that I've been wronged by this man... 527 00:30:19,183 --> 00:30:22,363 ...you'll continue your investigation. 528 00:30:25,065 --> 00:30:26,904 Do you want matte or glossy finish? 529 00:30:41,332 --> 00:30:43,669 David, why don't you just go up to her door... 530 00:30:43,834 --> 00:30:46,005 ...and offer to drive Hunziger to their tryst? 531 00:30:46,461 --> 00:30:48,717 Car pool would be the civic-minded to do. 532 00:30:48,882 --> 00:30:50,519 -What time is it? -8:10. 533 00:30:50,675 --> 00:30:54,305 Well, she better leave soon if she expects to keep her alibi. 534 00:30:54,470 --> 00:30:56,725 Curtains usually go up around 8:30. 535 00:30:56,889 --> 00:30:58,942 You know you got to hand it to Bazooka Joe. 536 00:30:59,101 --> 00:31:01,568 Old lady's there getting gussied up for her group. 537 00:31:01,728 --> 00:31:05,524 Brill and the missus are costars in our own private one-act play. 538 00:31:05,690 --> 00:31:06,818 Lot of self-control. 539 00:31:06,984 --> 00:31:08,656 I wish we hadn't taken this case. 540 00:31:08,818 --> 00:31:11,073 You're the one that wanted to help Bazooka Joe. 541 00:31:11,238 --> 00:31:12,828 I did. I do... 542 00:31:12,989 --> 00:31:14,792 ...but doing this gives me the creeps. 543 00:31:15,743 --> 00:31:17,499 Well, at least it ain't the willies. 544 00:31:17,661 --> 00:31:19,915 You're never right after a case of the willies. 545 00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:23,628 At least we realise how superficial everything is. Skin deep. 546 00:31:23,792 --> 00:31:25,050 This is Los Angeles. 547 00:31:27,922 --> 00:31:29,428 David. 548 00:31:31,217 --> 00:31:34,431 Well, she's certainly got the Speckle in all the right places. 549 00:31:34,596 --> 00:31:37,229 I didn't know they made legs like that anymore. 550 00:32:06,962 --> 00:32:11,388 David, what if I didn't look like me and you didn't look like you? 551 00:32:11,551 --> 00:32:13,602 Have to wear carnations to spot each other. 552 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:17,143 No, when I first walked into your office, what did you think? 553 00:32:17,307 --> 00:32:20,735 You were high-strung, overdressed, over-bred. 554 00:32:20,893 --> 00:32:22,566 Had a hairdo from another century. 555 00:32:22,729 --> 00:32:24,484 The most drop dead gorgeous broad... 556 00:32:24,646 --> 00:32:26,487 ...I'd ever seen in my real life. 557 00:32:26,650 --> 00:32:29,449 I knew there was a compliment somewhere in there. 558 00:32:29,611 --> 00:32:33,407 But the point is, what if I weighed twice as much and was half as tall? 559 00:32:33,573 --> 00:32:35,495 Probably mistake you for a filing cabinet. 560 00:32:35,659 --> 00:32:37,414 We're sneaking after this bombshell. 561 00:32:37,578 --> 00:32:41,290 She's sneaking out on her husband because she doesn't like his looks. 562 00:32:41,456 --> 00:32:44,920 I'd say that adequately summarised the plot thus far, yes. 563 00:32:45,086 --> 00:32:48,632 If I wasn't a finalist in a pageant, you wouldn't give me the time of day. 564 00:32:48,797 --> 00:32:51,016 I can't help liking what I wake up next to. 565 00:32:51,174 --> 00:32:53,761 A reason which has nothing to do with a person's soul. 566 00:32:53,928 --> 00:32:57,274 Notice how it's always rich people who tell you money doesn't matter? 567 00:32:57,431 --> 00:32:58,819 I've seen your boyfriends. 568 00:32:58,974 --> 00:33:02,321 It ain't like the spaceman's ever gonna be confused with a horse. 569 00:33:02,479 --> 00:33:04,649 -Neither are you. -I rest my case. 570 00:33:04,814 --> 00:33:07,115 But I don't need to look like this. 571 00:33:07,274 --> 00:33:08,828 I mean, I like to think... 572 00:33:08,984 --> 00:33:12,663 ...that because I know who I am inside, it wouldn't matter how I look. 573 00:33:12,822 --> 00:33:14,163 I don't think you'd like... 574 00:33:14,324 --> 00:33:16,660 ...walking around with your organs on the outside. 575 00:33:16,826 --> 00:33:19,710 What'd you do if you didn't have that mug to hide behind? 576 00:33:19,872 --> 00:33:23,218 Probably rifle the drawers of this blond filing cabinet I know. 577 00:33:45,230 --> 00:33:48,694 Let's give her a minute to slip out of that mini and into a paper gown. 578 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,629 -Could you not grab-- -David. 579 00:34:04,794 --> 00:34:06,383 Sorry. 580 00:35:03,478 --> 00:35:05,650 Oh, my God. 581 00:35:06,274 --> 00:35:07,615 -Maddie. -What? 582 00:35:07,775 --> 00:35:09,946 You think he's okay? 583 00:35:16,325 --> 00:35:18,295 For the family album. 584 00:35:22,164 --> 00:35:25,013 -Hey. -I don't think so, David. 585 00:35:25,168 --> 00:35:26,924 Yeah, hold this. 586 00:35:27,921 --> 00:35:29,511 Frosty. 587 00:35:29,672 --> 00:35:31,262 What are you doing? 588 00:35:34,553 --> 00:35:36,972 Me and the missus just came down from Bakersfield. 589 00:35:37,139 --> 00:35:39,856 We heard tell there's a human pincushion in these parts. 590 00:35:40,017 --> 00:35:41,690 We come to the right place, Mildred. 591 00:35:41,852 --> 00:35:42,896 Who are you? 592 00:35:43,062 --> 00:35:45,149 We're detectives hired by your husband. 593 00:35:48,358 --> 00:35:51,705 A lot of anger for one so petite. 594 00:35:51,863 --> 00:35:54,449 He ruined my husband's life, my marriage... 595 00:35:54,615 --> 00:35:56,667 ...but I fell in love with Simon anyway. 596 00:35:56,826 --> 00:35:59,875 You have any idea how that made me feel? Betraying my husband... 597 00:36:00,038 --> 00:36:01,877 -...for the man who butchered him? -Bad? 598 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:03,083 I hated myself. 599 00:36:04,917 --> 00:36:06,969 I couldn't help it. 600 00:36:09,714 --> 00:36:13,427 Simon made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. 601 00:36:13,593 --> 00:36:15,563 Odd way of showing your gratitude. 602 00:36:16,721 --> 00:36:18,312 I saw him this afternoon. 603 00:36:18,474 --> 00:36:21,024 He said it was over, that he'd found someone else. 604 00:36:21,184 --> 00:36:22,656 Someone younger. 605 00:36:22,811 --> 00:36:24,733 Barely 20. 606 00:36:25,271 --> 00:36:27,907 Said her skin would be easier to work with. 607 00:36:28,067 --> 00:36:30,154 That she'd be his greatest creation. 608 00:36:30,694 --> 00:36:34,622 I found him sleeping. I didn't want him to wake up. 609 00:36:35,492 --> 00:36:38,505 Since I'm going to be spending the rest of my life in prison... 610 00:36:38,661 --> 00:36:40,547 ...I'll put these scalpels to good use. 611 00:36:40,705 --> 00:36:42,176 Hold it, Mrs. Hunziger. 612 00:36:42,330 --> 00:36:45,215 He's already cold and you just got here. 613 00:36:45,377 --> 00:36:47,179 You didn't kill him. 614 00:36:48,796 --> 00:36:50,350 Damn. 615 00:37:06,148 --> 00:37:08,069 -You could have hurt somebody. -Sorry. 616 00:37:08,232 --> 00:37:11,033 I had to straight shot down the corridor into the office. 617 00:37:11,195 --> 00:37:15,074 I didn't know anybody was in there, except for the doctor. 618 00:37:17,033 --> 00:37:19,122 -He's dead. -Dead? 619 00:37:19,287 --> 00:37:23,213 Yeah. I got him right in that little caraway seed he calls a heart. 620 00:37:23,374 --> 00:37:25,675 Hey, listen, we can make it look like a robbery. 621 00:37:25,834 --> 00:37:28,884 We can make it look like someone was after pills or syringes. 622 00:37:29,047 --> 00:37:30,090 What do you think? 623 00:37:31,841 --> 00:37:33,810 Hi, Maddie. 624 00:37:34,928 --> 00:37:37,645 This is Nurse Saundra. The girl I was telling you about. 625 00:37:37,805 --> 00:37:39,977 I'm sure the pleasure's all David's. 626 00:37:41,143 --> 00:37:42,981 I hate to be the bearer of bad news... 627 00:37:43,144 --> 00:37:45,862 ...but somebody already got to your boss. 628 00:37:46,023 --> 00:37:48,952 -Dead? -Really dead. 629 00:37:49,109 --> 00:37:51,196 -Not of this Earth. -Damn. 630 00:37:51,361 --> 00:37:53,531 Look, more scalpels. 631 00:37:53,697 --> 00:37:55,500 -You killed him. -Wait a minute. 632 00:37:55,658 --> 00:37:58,042 -You killed him. -Take it easy. She didn't do it. 633 00:37:58,202 --> 00:38:00,622 Well, somebody had to have done it. 634 00:38:28,608 --> 00:38:30,530 I'm sorry. 635 00:38:30,695 --> 00:38:32,247 I was looking for Brill. 636 00:38:32,904 --> 00:38:33,997 I've seen this movie. 637 00:38:34,156 --> 00:38:36,540 All right, Bazooka Joe, put down the land shark. 638 00:38:36,700 --> 00:38:38,338 Stay where you are. 639 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:44,178 Miss Hayes, I'd like to thank you for bringing me to my senses. 640 00:38:44,333 --> 00:38:45,673 Great move, Goldilocks. 641 00:38:45,834 --> 00:38:49,797 You made me reevaluate my rather limited notion of justice. 642 00:38:49,964 --> 00:38:51,007 But, Mr. Hunziger-- 643 00:38:51,173 --> 00:38:56,312 Justice would be served by my being the judge and the jury. 644 00:38:56,471 --> 00:38:57,728 Hey, you don't understand. 645 00:38:57,889 --> 00:39:01,353 No court on Earth would convict me of 1st degree murder. 646 00:39:01,518 --> 00:39:05,065 And since I'm already virtually a recluse in my own home-- 647 00:39:05,230 --> 00:39:06,322 He's already dead. 648 00:39:06,482 --> 00:39:07,904 A short stint in jail... 649 00:39:08,066 --> 00:39:13,915 ...would be more than worthwhile to see Brill stacked like cordwood. 650 00:39:14,073 --> 00:39:16,078 -Speaking of the doctor-- -He's dead. 651 00:39:16,241 --> 00:39:18,329 -What? -He's dead. 652 00:39:20,745 --> 00:39:22,336 Rats. 653 00:39:23,832 --> 00:39:27,379 Who deprived me of my last pleasure on Earth? 654 00:39:34,260 --> 00:39:36,431 Wait a minute. 655 00:39:46,439 --> 00:39:49,121 Kooky, you didn't kill Dr. Brill, did you? 656 00:39:51,779 --> 00:39:54,459 -Oh, no. -The butler did it? 657 00:39:54,614 --> 00:39:56,168 The butler did it? 658 00:39:59,328 --> 00:40:03,207 That man in there ruined the only face... 659 00:40:03,373 --> 00:40:06,553 ...that ever looked up at me and smiled... 660 00:40:06,710 --> 00:40:08,182 ...and really meant it. 661 00:40:09,464 --> 00:40:11,515 I loved that face. 662 00:40:15,970 --> 00:40:18,058 Come on out of the closet, Kooky. 663 00:40:27,649 --> 00:40:28,692 Hey. 664 00:40:28,859 --> 00:40:29,985 Let him go. 665 00:40:31,486 --> 00:40:34,619 -I'm afraid we can't do that. -I'm afraid you'll have to. 666 00:40:36,908 --> 00:40:37,952 Here, hold this. 667 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:48,963 Wait. 668 00:40:50,463 --> 00:40:54,142 Watch it, chop-top. Get rid of that thing, will you? 669 00:40:58,305 --> 00:41:01,355 Oh, Kooky. 670 00:41:10,902 --> 00:41:12,622 Go ahead. 671 00:41:21,329 --> 00:41:23,749 Real face place. 672 00:41:29,672 --> 00:41:32,934 Kooky. 673 00:41:33,758 --> 00:41:36,856 Come out, come out wherever you are. 674 00:41:39,807 --> 00:41:41,729 See anything you like? 675 00:41:44,019 --> 00:41:46,819 David, why would anybody wanna pick a nose like that? 676 00:41:53,697 --> 00:41:55,369 Not anatomically correct! 677 00:42:14,384 --> 00:42:16,104 D-cup! 678 00:42:19,722 --> 00:42:21,728 Are you okay? 679 00:42:23,436 --> 00:42:25,571 Oh, get down. Oh, look out. 680 00:42:27,106 --> 00:42:28,993 Think we got him? 681 00:42:29,651 --> 00:42:30,944 I think not. 682 00:42:31,110 --> 00:42:33,080 Get his attention. I'll sneak behind him. 683 00:42:33,238 --> 00:42:35,373 -How am I gonna do that? -Like this. 684 00:42:41,121 --> 00:42:44,335 One, two, three. 685 00:42:57,471 --> 00:42:58,978 Liposuction! 686 00:43:18,409 --> 00:43:20,414 You could lose 170 pounds fast. 687 00:43:20,578 --> 00:43:23,509 No, thanks, Kooky, diet and exercise. That's the key. 688 00:43:23,665 --> 00:43:25,219 Diet and exercise. 689 00:43:25,374 --> 00:43:26,763 Don't call me Kooky. 690 00:43:31,674 --> 00:43:34,058 Think thin, Addison. 691 00:43:46,688 --> 00:43:48,611 Nice work, circus girl. 692 00:43:50,192 --> 00:43:52,364 Let me tell you about love, Kooky. 693 00:43:52,528 --> 00:43:53,821 It's all the same. 694 00:43:53,988 --> 00:43:56,870 Natural, unnatural, no matter how bizarre. 695 00:43:57,032 --> 00:43:58,539 It's all the same. 696 00:43:58,701 --> 00:44:00,671 It doesn't matter what's on the outside. 697 00:44:00,828 --> 00:44:02,252 It's right here, you see? 698 00:44:02,413 --> 00:44:07,587 What's on the inside. Trust, compassion, the soul. 699 00:44:07,752 --> 00:44:09,508 That's what it's all about. 700 00:44:09,670 --> 00:44:11,557 Being there for that special someone. 701 00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:14,845 Am I right, Maddie? 702 00:44:16,470 --> 00:44:17,644 Yes, David. 703 00:44:18,430 --> 00:44:20,435 I knew I was right. 704 00:44:26,230 --> 00:44:28,365 All right, move it. 705 00:44:31,693 --> 00:44:33,331 Call me. 706 00:44:34,864 --> 00:44:38,625 You'll enjoy prison. Lots of discipline, get to wear uniform. 707 00:44:38,784 --> 00:44:42,462 I'm glad this cases is over. All those weirdoes give me the heebie-jeebs. 708 00:44:42,622 --> 00:44:44,093 Saundra gave me her number. 709 00:44:44,249 --> 00:44:45,921 You mean you're not gonna call her? 710 00:44:46,334 --> 00:44:48,385 I don't think so. 711 00:44:48,544 --> 00:44:51,475 She certainly was one keen polystyrene dream though. 712 00:44:53,007 --> 00:44:56,021 I can't see going out with somebody that wasn't biodegradable. 713 00:44:56,177 --> 00:44:57,435 My, my: my' 714 00:44:57,595 --> 00:45:00,561 Even David Addison has to get standards sooner or later. 715 00:45:00,724 --> 00:45:03,737 Well, I'm older, wiser. 716 00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:08,023 It's not too late to go out for some Pink's Hot Dogs. 717 00:45:08,191 --> 00:45:09,697 What do you say? 718 00:45:10,442 --> 00:45:12,661 Can I take a rain cheque? 719 00:45:13,195 --> 00:45:14,666 This is beauty night. 720 00:45:14,822 --> 00:45:17,954 Nails to paint, hair to condition, iron to pump. 721 00:45:18,117 --> 00:45:20,418 Girl's gotta take care of what she' s got. 722 00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:23,539 -What you got looks pretty good. -Oh, David. 723 00:45:23,706 --> 00:45:25,711 You really think so after all these years? 724 00:45:25,874 --> 00:45:27,844 Drop dead gorgeous. 725 00:45:28,836 --> 00:45:32,549 And not just on the outside, in here. 726 00:45:39,597 --> 00:45:41,898 Did you know that 90 percent of the accidents... 727 00:45:42,058 --> 00:45:44,858 ...that happen in the home, happen while you're naked? 728 00:45:45,020 --> 00:45:46,776 -Really? -Yeah. 729 00:45:46,939 --> 00:45:49,619 Household safety, Maddie. You need somebody to spot you. 730 00:45:49,774 --> 00:45:52,623 -In the shower? -Well, one can never be too cautious. 731 00:45:52,778 --> 00:45:55,246 And in case you need somebody to wash your back .... 732 00:45:55,405 --> 00:45:56,747 David. 733 00:45:56,907 --> 00:45:59,541 I won't look, I promise.