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this time we're through

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Ah-ha!
APPLAUSE

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Welcome!

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Welcome to "Knowing Me Knowing You
With Alan Partridge" -

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or "The Alan Partridge Show"
as most people like to call it.

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It's easier - that's what I call it.

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There's so much in tonight's show
that at the end I'll be shattered,

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or should I say chattered?!
DRUMBEAT

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LAUGHTER

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Last week I sacked my house band
and their leader, Glenn Ponder.

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That's TV. They had to go.

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So now please welcome my new
resident house band - The Eagles!

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Or rather, don't.

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Because Glenn has put a stop
to that.

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This week he obtained a court
injunction preventing his dismissal.

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Please welcome NOT double platinum
album-selling rock stars The Eagles,

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but Ipswich-based
hotel-lobby wine-bar band,
Glenn Ponder and Lazarus!

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APPLAUSE

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Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Glenn Ponder. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Lazarus. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

28
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Glenn, if this show was a motor-car,
what kind of motor-car would it be?

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I've no idea.
Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.

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DRUMBEAT

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Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.

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APPLAUSE

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BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"

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THEME ENDS
See...
THEME ENDS AGAIN

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See you in court.

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My first guest was born
within the sound of Bow Bells.

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He is a Cockney man.

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30 years ago, he crawled out
of the maggot-ridden cesspit
that is the East End

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to become Britain's most colourful
boxing and entertainments promoter.

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All day he's on the dog and bone -
phone. He's coming down
these apples and pears - stairs.

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I'm sure we're going to have
a great bowler hat - chat.

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Please welcome a very special
antique Edwardian tea-chest - guest.

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He was cleared of garotting a
nightclub owner in Leicester Square.

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Terry Norton!

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Ah. Nice whistle.
Whistle and toot - suit!

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Flute. Sorry? Whistle and flute.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.

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Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Terry Norton. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

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Now, Terry, you come
from a very humble background.

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But now you mix with the great and
the good. A little Cockney whelk
sitting on a plate of oysters.

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Do you ever think to yourself,
"How did I get here,
on top of this plate of oysters?"

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Of course, Alan. It's a combination
of determination, perseverance
and a good head for business.

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And, if I may say so,

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of bloomin' luck.

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Is that fair? Yeah, well,
you know, if you like, yeah.

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We're the same.
Two working-class boys,
no education, no qualifications.

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But through sheer determination, we
have made it to the top of the tree.

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I must pick you up on a couple
of points. I did go to East Anglia
Polytechnic. You know what I mean.

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Regarding working class.
We did own our own home
and we did holiday in Spain.

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Sometimes.

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I imagine you know Spain quite well,
what with all your...
all your connections.

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I've got a villa out there,
cut into the cliff,
overlooking the Med. Just in case.

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Just in case what? Just in case
you need to go on holiday.
Quickly.

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You're leading me down a dark alley.
That's the last place I'd like to be
with you!

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Why's that?

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Sorry?

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Why's that?

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I just wouldn't. That's all.

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Now, Terry, you've promoted boxing,
snooker, bowling - crown green
and tenpin - that didn't work.

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Now you're launching a new promotion
next month.

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Tell us about that. I'm
bringing back the beauty contest.

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Times, fashion may change,
but people will always want
to look at lovely ladies.

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From now back to the Ancient Greeks.

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Aristotle Onassis. Exactly.

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I mean, whatever the women's libbers
may say, Germaine Greer,
Esther Rantzen... That lot.

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You can't change human nature.
You can't.

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I used to support women's libbers.

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When they said, "Burn your bras".

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Whatever they say, next month, live
on Sky TV, it's Miss Great Britain -

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and nothing can spoil that feast.

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Absolutely.

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We'll EAT some of that feast later -

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Terry has cooked up
a tray of "lady vol-au-vents",

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if you will, which I will be EATING,
or compering, later.

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Tonight I will be MC for the final
heat of - and it's my home town -
Miss Norwich!

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APPLAUSE

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Now, Terry -

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"Murderer! You killed my son!"

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That was what the mother
of the garotted nightclub owner
of Leicester Square said to you,

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as you were cleared
of the murder of her only son.

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The garotted nightclub owner
of Leicester Square.

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Did those words hurt?

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Yes. I was in Leicester Square, but
as was proved in court, I was
hailing a cab at the time it
happened.

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Absolutely. We've got
a reconstruction of that night,
using professional actors,

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some of whom have been
in The Bill and Minder.

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Terry, that night -
was it something like this?

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Taxi!

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Is that how it was?
Well, yeah. More or less.

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There were some people
who said it happened like this.

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Taxi!

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How it didn't happen. What's that?

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That's how it didn't happen.

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That is a couple of ponces
mincing about talking rubbish.
Touched a nerve there.

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I could have gone down.
It was dealt with by the law.
It's over. It's dead and buried.

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Rather like the garotted... You're
out of your depth. People get out
of their depth, they end up drowning

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Calm down. Do you want
to get involved in this world?

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Nightclub owners in Leicester Square
who get garotted? Ammonia
in the boat? I'll get you involved.

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I'll suck you in so far you'll get
blown out the other side. Wipe that
soppy look off your gormless face!

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You wanna get sucked in? No!
Well, you tell them.

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What was that about?
A couple of ponces mincing about
talking rubbish. Right.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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Now, are we having a beauty contest,
or what? Beauty contest, please.

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I'll...I'll see you later for that.
Thank you for that nice chat.

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Ladies and gentlemen -
Terry Norton, an innocent man!
APPLAUSE

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Now for one of the hit bits
of my show.

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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, another Alan Partridge,

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in which I meet another man
whose name is Alan Partridge.

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It really is that simple.
Two weeks ago I had a letter
from an Alan Partridge in Preston.

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He asked to come on the show
tonight.

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A week ago, he died.

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I told his family I would honour
the booking if they so desired.

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They said it is what Alan
would have wanted.

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Welcome, with his family,
Alan Partridge!

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APPLAUSE

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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,

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00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,640
knowing you, another Alan Partridge.

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Rest in peace. Ah-ha.

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Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Mary Partridge. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,

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knowing you... I've forgotten
your name. Liam. Ah-ha.

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BOTH: Ah-ha.
No, not you.

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Ah-ha.

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What was he like?

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He liked a drink.

141
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He didn't suffer fools gladly.
He had a temper.

142
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Er, he...he...

143
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He did like this show, didn't he?
Oh, yes. It was his - what...?

144
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..his second favourite TV programme.

145
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,440
Yes. So, er... What was his first?

146
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Baywatch.

147
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,640
About the beach people?

148
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He liked the girls. Don't we all?

149
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Let's hope there are girls
in Heaven. If...

150
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If that's where he's going,
you know.

151
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From what you say it's unclear.
Perhaps there are girls
in Purgatory or Hell.

152
00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:01,800
Um... But no-one leaves
this show empty-handed, so...

153
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:07,520
I don't know why I'm being solemn.
No-one leaves the show empty-handed.

154
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:11,480
And Alan gets this lovely headstone.

155
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:16,880
It's a granite-marble mix
in Normandy grey. Do you like it?

156
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:20,840
It's lovely.
He was actually born in 1931.

157
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What have we got? '32. Right.

158
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,040
One year out. Not bad.

159
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I mean, if it's a problem,
we can re-grind it.
That would be great. Right.

160
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We CAN do it, it's just
it will take a couple of weeks.
It's only one year out.

161
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He would like the right date.
He'd got quite a temper.

162
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He's hardly likely
to display that now, is he?

163
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But if you want, we'll get it done.

164
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He would have wanted it. We'll do
it! Thank you. Thank you. Sorry.
What?

165
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Sorry. Right.

166
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:06,440
Well, er... Ladies and gentlemen,
Alan Partridge, his son, Liam,

167
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,120
and his lovely widow, Mary!

168
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:20,920
Well, as we heard, Alan
was quite fond of pretty ladies.

169
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So it seems appropriate
that in his presence
we hold the final of Miss Norwich.

170
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Mary, you have agreed,

171
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with Liam and your uncle, Pete,

172
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,960
to judge tonight's contest.

173
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Stand there.

174
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:42,120
Glenn, would you like to judge
Miss Norwich? I'd love to.

175
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Well, you can't.

176
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:50,320
Now, if you're watching this at
home, in your Parker Knoll armchair,

177
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hit the recline button
and relax as we go girl crazy
with a bit of harmless fun.

178
00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:02,480
That's all it is. Please welcome
the finalists for Miss Norwich.

179
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:09,520
The first contestant is Susan
Atkinson. She's 20 years old.

180
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:15,600
Her vital statistics are 34-24-33,
so she's slightly bigger at the top.

181
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:19,520
She's a shop assistant
for Saxone Shoes.

182
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:22,600
She tells me the most popular shoes

183
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:26,520
are plain black lace-ups
with six eyes.

184
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,280
Contestant two is Donna Cookson.
APPLAUSE

185
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,520
Donna is 20.
ROWDY APPLAUSE

186
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,040
Come on, keep it down!

187
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:41,080
Donna used to dance in a nightclub,
but it was closed down after a fire.

188
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,880
Contestant three
is 21-year-old Lisa Thornton.

189
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:56,200
Lisa is a nanny for a couple
who - she tells me - make adverts
and live in a converted barn.

190
00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:02,960
When she has the house to herself
she dances round the living room
to pop music.

191
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:07,000
She is the shortest
of tonight's contestants.

192
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:11,240
Contestant four is Maria McNulty.

193
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,280
APPLAUSE

194
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,520
Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic.

195
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:25,400
She tells me that, before each
contest, she says a quick prayer.

196
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,440
She has a 36-inch bust. Ave Maria!

197
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,560
Our final contestant
is Siobhan Glukowsky.

198
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,600
APPLAUSE

199
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:43,240
Siobhan works in William Hill
bookmakers. So what are her odds?

200
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,600
I'll tell you.
They're 50-1. She's a rank outsider.

201
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:52,240
Siobhan has a Polish grandmother
who doesn't speak English.

202
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,280
Those are tonight's finalists.

203
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,720
APPLAUSE

204
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,080
INAUDIBLE

205
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:04,920
Well, we've looked at their bodies.
Now let's look at their minds.

206
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:09,320
Susan Atkinson,
you work at Saxone Shoes. Yes.

207
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:14,760
Do you get a lot of competition from
Dolcis? Yeah, we do. Right, lovely.

208
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:17,920
Donna Cookson.

209
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,440
CHEERS

210
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:27,800
You certainly have a lot of fans.
Are you enjoying the competition?

211
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:31,040
Yes, I am. Do you watch this show?

212
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,720
No. No. That's all right.
That's OK. That's fine.

213
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:38,240
Lisa Thornton.
Do you have any hobbies?

214
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:42,080
Yes. I like swimming and dancing.
Lovely.

215
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,520
I've always wanted to meet you.

216
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,720
I like your moustache. Really?

217
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,520
It, like, really suits your face.

218
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:56,560
I keep it trimmed
with nasal scissors.

219
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,680
Makes you look like Rhett Butler.

220
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,040
"Well, frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn."

221
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:08,120
Of course I do.
Of course I give a damn.

222
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,560
You're lovely.

223
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,480
What's your ambition?

224
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,320
I'd like to work in television.

225
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:19,520
Really? Great.
Well, we should have a chat.

226
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:29,160
After the show. You're all staying
at the Holiday Inn? The others are
but I'm staying at home with my mum.

227
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,520
Right.

228
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,360
You could just go to the hotel
for a drink.

229
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:42,040
We'd get you a taxi home.
I'll speak to your mum,
if you want. Lovely.

230
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:45,960
We'll have a chat. Thank you.
Good luck. Thanks.

231
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,680
Do you like animals? Yes.
Do you? Yes.

232
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,200
Fair enough. Right.

233
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,240
APPLAUSE

234
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,960
Well, we've done them all.

235
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,400
So while the judges
make up their minds,

236
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:10,680
I'm afraid
you're just going to have to listen
to Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.

237
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:17,320
BAND PLAYS: "The Winner Takes It All
Number 3 has the best personality.

238
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:20,000
It's the best personality.

239
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:25,720
It's a majority decision, so let's
leave it at that. But... Shut up.

240
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,840
Right. OK. Glenn!
Glenn, thank you, Glenn.

241
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:37,440
Well, we have a unanimous decision.
The winner of this year's
Miss Norwich is Number Three -

242
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,280
Lisa Thornton, ah-ha!

243
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,720
APPLAUSE

244
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,440
Lisa, are you pleased? Oh, yes!

245
00:18:55,520 --> 00:19:00,200
I didn't think I'd win.
Why not, for heaven's sake?

246
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:06,880
I thought Number Two would win.
This could be the start
of a glittering career.

247
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,280
Who are you waving to?

248
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:13,320
That's my fiance, Andy.
Right. Andy. Right.

249
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:18,160
Miss Norwich, soon to be
Mrs Norwich. Don't wave any more.

250
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:25,600
Well, I said before that
if this show was a car it would be
Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.

251
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,600
DRUMBEAT

252
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,320
So now let's slip that car

253
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:35,160
into another pig's ear - gear,
a more serious pig's ear - gear.

254
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:41,600
In a new regular feature
I tackle the contemporary
political issues of the day.

255
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:45,160
Partridge Over Britain!
You can go.

256
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,200
APPLAUSE

257
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:05,560
Next week the voters
of West Chalfont go to the polls
for a by-election

258
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:12,960
caused by the death of the sitting
Conservative MP, Sir Maurice
Christopher, who choked on scampi.

259
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,440
Let's meet the candidates.

260
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:22,120
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, on my left and to the left
of most of West Chalfont,

261
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,760
the Labour candidate.

262
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:30,120
She's a teacher. She's divorced. She
is Charlotte Fraser. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

263
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:34,240
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, the Lib Dem candidate.

264
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:39,680
He's a lawyer. He sits on Chalfont's
education committee, and he's black.

265
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,800
Ronald Biggs, ah-ha. Ah-ha.

266
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,360
In the middle, me,
Alan Partridge, ah-ha.

267
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,160
And on my right,

268
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,400
the Conservative candidate,
Adrian Finch.

269
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:57,240
Adrian and his wife Rosemary
have three lovely children.

270
00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:04,640
You're also a fan of steam engines.
That's right, Alan. It's full steam
ahead for the by-election.

271
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:09,200
Lovely sense of humour.
Adrian Finch, ah-ha. Ah-ha.

272
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:16,480
The final candidate,
who we have to have on - he's paid
his deposit and that's democracy -

273
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:21,040
is Lieutenant Colonel
Kojak Slaphead III

274
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:28,800
of the Bald Brummies Against The
Big-footed Conspiracy Party. Ah-ha.
BRUMMIE ACCENT: Bald Brummies!

275
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:33,960
There's a time and a place for fun
and it's not on this show. Right.

276
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,960
We'll open it up to my audience.

277
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:41,800
Throughout the questions, I will
be remaining impartial at all times.

278
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:45,760
I will remain Pontius Partridge.
So, er...so...

279
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,480
Any questions for the panel, please?

280
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,520
Yes, the woman with the high head.

281
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:59,040
In view of the rising crime rate,
would the panel consider the
reintroduction of capital
punishment?

282
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:04,240
Charlotte Fraser, Labour. We see
old women's faces in the paper.

283
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:07,600
Isn't the best way
to deal with hooligans

284
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:13,600
to hang them
till the spinal column severs,
starving the body of oxygen?

285
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:20,240
Hanging is brutal
and barbaric and the hallmark
of an uncivilised society.

286
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:24,960
What about lethal injection?
Gas chamber? Electric chair?

287
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:30,080
That's not really the point, Alan.
All the indications... Firing squad.

288
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:35,640
The headslap.
The headslap. Please don't...
Please don't do that,

289
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:39,560
Lieutenant Colonel
Kojak Slaphead III.

290
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:46,600
There's no evidence to say capital
punishment would reduce crime.
It would reduce it by one.

291
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,760
Um...Adrian Finch,

292
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,080
capital punishment.

293
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,680
Will you pull the lever?

294
00:22:54,680 --> 00:23:01,040
Well, whether I pull the lever
or not is not the question.
Yes, it is.

295
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,080
LAUGHTER

296
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,920
The...the whole issue of...of
capital punishment, of hanging,

297
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:14,040
is...is one wh...which
must be addressed on a moral level

298
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:17,520
by...by the public in general

299
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,600
um...before we can make any...

300
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,440
..absolute moral decision.

301
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:27,200
Good point. Very good point.
Good point.

302
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,880
Ronnie Biggs,
it's not yes or no, is it?

303
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:37,560
Well, yes, it is. Good.
No, I'm disagreeing with you.
It IS a yes or no question.

304
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:42,120
No-one really cares. Yes, no,
maybe - it's not life or death.

305
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:44,560
Well, yes it is.

306
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:49,640
Yes, but it's BORING. Right, OK,
well. The phone lines are open.

307
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,000
We have a call -
David Silk from Leeds.

308
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,560
Are you there? 'Yes.'
Are you wearing silk?

309
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,440
'I'm naked.'

310
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:04,760
What's the question?
'Who will have the bottle
to tighten up the immigration laws?'

311
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:10,840
Immigration. It's a political hot
potato. Charlotte Rampling, catch.

312
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:18,920
Fraser. Immigration is one of those
questions that comes up time and
time again at meetings like this.

313
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,960
There is a reason for that...
It's interesting...

314
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:26,160
Excuse me. He's TRYING to speak.

315
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,320
You're SUCH a rude woman!

316
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,000
Go ahead.

317
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,040
What...what we must do...absolutely,

318
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,800
is put in place a system of um...

319
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,280
Headslapping? No.

320
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,000
A system of... Headslapping?

321
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,200
I am trying to answer the question.

322
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:49,160
A system of... Headslapping?

323
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:54,160
You're putting me off. Please.
I know.

324
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,080
A system of... Headslapping?

325
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,520
A system of... Headslapping?
A system of...

326
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:06,560
Headslapping? System of...
Headslapping? System of...

327
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,280
IGNORE HIM! Ignore him!

328
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:17,800
Um...Charlotte...
No, it's gone.

329
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:22,240
Fraser. Do you want to talk
about women, or something?

330
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:27,280
I'd like to talk about immigration,
as I was before you interrupted me.

331
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,600
Interestingly,
people rarely mention the fact

332
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:37,160
that our immigration laws are some
of the most stringent anywhere.
Ronald?

333
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:42,280
More people emigrate from the
country than immigrate into it.
Exactly.

334
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,640
Shh-shh!

335
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,000
I've never done five.

336
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:50,600
Great! Six.

337
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:52,120
No, sorry.

338
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:56,880
All right. Let's have
another question. The woman...

339
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,680
The woman with this business.

340
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:05,520
How would the panel create more
cycle lanes...? That's a terrible
question!

341
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,000
Gentleman with the spectacles.

342
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,880
I'd like to ask...
Hang on, are you a Slaphead?

343
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,840
I'm sorry?

344
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,920
Are you a Bald Kojak Bigfoot-hater?

345
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,840
I just want to ask about sport.

346
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,320
I'm sorry. Please go ahead.

347
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:30,280
What are the panel's views
on the possibility of the Bald
Olympics coming to Birmingham?

348
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,240
Very good (!)

349
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,680
Bald Brummies! Bald Brummies!

350
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,000
Who are you?

351
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,840
Who are you? I am Lieutenant
Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.

352
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,520
No, you're not.
I'll tell you who you are.

353
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:54,080
You're entertainments officer for
Warwick University Students' Union.

354
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:02,280
Who's he? David 'arrison. Don't
do that voice any more. Who's he?

355
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,280
David Harrison. What does he do?

356
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,640
He's a tutor in Political Science.

357
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:12,280
And what....what are you studying?
Law.

358
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:17,280
What do your parents think of this?
Not that keen.

359
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:23,240
Everyone likes a bit of fun, but
you're just wasting people's time.

360
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:25,560
Get yourself a girlfriend.

361
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:29,240
Well, I think we know
a little bit more about...

362
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,880
Bald Brummies are back!

363
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:35,440
Look at his slaphead!
You are a bloody shit!

364
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:42,200
You're a bloody, buggering, shitting
buggerhead! Please, don't do that.

365
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:51,120
I think he's just lost the safest
Conservative seat in the country!

366
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:55,160
Full steam ahead!
You bugger off!

367
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,760
Don't! Please!
This is not political debate!

368
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:04,040
If you're going to fight, do it in
the carpark. Just stop it, please!

369
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,560
Get security! Get security!

370
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:13,920
I'll have you! I'll have the both
of you! Come here! I'll have you!

371
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,040
Right! Right! Right!

372
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,400
On that bombshell,
it's time to say -

373
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,920
knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, my guests.

374
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:31,000
Goodnight and ah-ha.

375
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:45,640
Subtitles by Ali Bell
BBC - 1994