1 00:00:13,713 --> 00:00:15,214 Ted: Kids, when you're single 2 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:18,217 All you're looking for is happily ever after. 3 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,719 But only one of your stories can end that way. 4 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,188 The rest end with someone getting hurt. 5 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:27,526 This is one of those stories, and it starts with a shirt. 6 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,528 A shirt? 7 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,162 Ted: Just listen, 8 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:31,830 Because none of this would have happened 9 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,866 If it hadn't been for that shirt. 10 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,968 Whoa. 11 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,171 Nice shirt. 12 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:40,806 Right? Right? 13 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:41,874 Look at those colors. 14 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,909 Green and brown, together at last. 15 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,811 Hot top, bro! Is it new? 16 00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,079 That's the crazy part. 17 00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,881 I've had this shirt for, like, six years. 18 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,816 Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all, 19 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,185 But now, it's like my tastes have changed. 20 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:53,852 Booger. 21 00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,220 Yes, hello, barney. 22 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,422 Robin: Barney's offered me 23 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:59,591 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report. 24 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,061 Not some stupid word. "booger." 25 00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:04,029 But I'm not doing it. 26 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:04,897 I am a journalist. 27 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,665 What?! Journalist?! 28 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,168 You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. 29 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,837 Old people. Babies. Monkeys. 30 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:12,938 That's not journalism. 31 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,940 That's just... Things in a diaper. 32 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,511 For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... 33 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,013 The city hall beat. 34 00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:22,848 City hall? Miss thing. 35 00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:25,851 So I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion 36 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,619 By saying "booger" for 50 bucks. 37 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,921 Of course not. 38 00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:31,023 'Cause now you're saying "nipple," 39 00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:32,491 And it's a hundred. 40 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,994 Step into my web. 41 00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,097 Mmm! 42 00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,398 Whose bourbon is this? 43 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,633 Ooh, I don't know. It was here when we sat down. 44 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:42,801 Gahhh... 45 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,036 The point is... 46 00:01:44,038 --> 00:01:45,604 I seem to like bourbon now. 47 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,406 I could've sworn I hated bourbon. 48 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,274 First the shirt, now bourbon. 49 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:52,444 I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, right? 50 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,912 The movie I saw once and hated; 51 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,280 The city I'll never go back to 52 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,815 'cause it was raining the day I visited. 53 00:01:56,817 --> 00:02:00,052 Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions. 54 00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:02,387 You're finally gonna watch goonies again? 55 00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:04,990 "Sloth love chunk." 56 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,926 Not goonies. Girls. 57 00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,294 What if there's someone from my past 58 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,597 Who I thought was wrong for me at the time, 59 00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:14,133 When in fact she, like this shirt, 60 00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:16,235 Is actually a perfect fit? 61 00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,903 Hold up. There are only two reasons 62 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,105 To ever date a girl you've already dated: 63 00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,107 Breast... Implants. 64 00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,942 You know, this isn't a bad idea. 65 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,310 Let's think... 66 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,679 Ted's greatest hits. 67 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,414 What about that girl steph? 68 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,617 Steph... 69 00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,018 Okay, this is difficult to say: 70 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,520 Back when I lived 71 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,488 In I.A., I was pretty broke, 72 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:40,125 So I spent a month making adult films. 73 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:43,829 Wow. Okay... 74 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:44,963 How... How many did you make? 75 00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,231 175. 76 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:50,969 Say what you will about the porn industry, 77 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,038 They're hard workers. 78 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,741 What about that chick, um... Jackie? 79 00:02:56,442 --> 00:02:57,442 And my bathing suit 80 00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,044 Had fallen completely off. 81 00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:00,145 ( Both laughing ) 82 00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:02,047 I know the feeling. Once, 83 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,049 When I was 16, I was driving, 84 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,951 And I hit this hitchhiker. 85 00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:06,953 Don't know what 86 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,854 Happened to him... just kept driving. 87 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,122 ( Iaughing ) 88 00:03:11,391 --> 00:03:13,125 Uh... No. 89 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,894 What about natalie? 90 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:19,031 All: Natalie... 91 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:19,865 Who's natalie? 92 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,633 Natalie. 93 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:24,169 I had so many fond memories of her: 94 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,171 The tea candles on her dresser, 95 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:29,007 The sock monkey collection on her bed, 96 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:32,077 That one belle and sebastian song she always listened to, 97 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:35,247 Her smile... 98 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,916 Man, I haven't seen her in, like, three years. 99 00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,251 Well, why'd you guys break up? 100 00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,486 I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time. 101 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,488 Of course, now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad. 102 00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:44,556 Maybe I should call her. 103 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:45,657 What do you guys think? 104 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:49,094 You dumped a porn star? 105 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:50,696 Friendship over. 106 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,165 Friendship over! 107 00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:56,535 ( Knocking at door ) 108 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,036 Come in! All right, 109 00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,371 Get back to me, then. 110 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,206 You wanted to see me, mr. Adams. 111 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,007 Yes, I did. 112 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,776 I need you to cover a story. 113 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,178 It's down at city hall. 114 00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:08,213 City hall? 115 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:09,681 Oh, my god. 116 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,016 ( Exhilarated sigh ) 117 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,752 So, next time you're passing city hall, 118 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,922 Make sure and stop by new york's oldest hot dog cart. 119 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,958 Today, a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50. 120 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,695 But, back when the stand first opened, in 1955, 121 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,964 You could get one for only a nipple. 122 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,533 Reporting live, robin trubotsky, 123 00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,235 Metro news 1. 124 00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:32,371 I said "nipple" on the news. 125 00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:33,405 That was so unprofessional! 126 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,474 I said "nipple" on the news! 127 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,242 At least it's better than "booger." 128 00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:38,443 ( laughs ) 129 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,878 Booger. 130 00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:43,215 ( Knocking) there she is. 131 00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:45,050 Hey, is it cold in here? 132 00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,985 'Cause I can kinda see robin's nickels. 133 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,220 ( Chuckling ) 134 00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:51,556 Now, for your next challenge... 135 00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,091 There is not going to be another challenge. 136 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,226 I don't care how much you offer me. 137 00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:57,062 Oh, search your soul, robin. 138 00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:59,298 You and I both know this wasn't about the money. 139 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:02,000 Sure, metro news 1 pays you jack, 140 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,436 And, hey, a little green salad on the side 141 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:07,005 Is good for you, me, and mr. Mcgee. 142 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,840 Seriously, who talks like that? 143 00:05:09,442 --> 00:05:11,109 What baby really likes 144 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,577 Is the thrill of pulling one over 145 00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:15,847 On those bean counters who underappreciate you, 146 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,849 And still haven't promoted you, 147 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,319 And so, for two more hundie sticks, 148 00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:23,388 Baby's going to look in the camera and say this. 149 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,657 Eww! 150 00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:28,327 I'm just assuming. 151 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:30,295 I gotta go back to work. 152 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:33,031 See ya. Bye. 153 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,933 Baby's gonna think about it. 154 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:35,935 ( Clicks tongue ) 155 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,171 Found it! 156 00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,039 I found natalie's number. 157 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,140 Hey, ted! Nice shirt! 158 00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,376 Is it yesterday already? 159 00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:47,379 I am calling her. 160 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,480 This is crazy. 161 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:51,149 I haven't talked to her in, like, three years. 162 00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,951 Wonder if she even remembers me. 163 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,220 ( Phone ringing ) 164 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,222 Hello. 165 00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,322 Natalie. 166 00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,157 It's ted mosby. 167 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,059 Go to hell. 168 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,964 She remembers me. 169 00:06:10,803 --> 00:06:11,803 Why would natalie 170 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,138 Hang up on you? I don't know. 171 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,639 Did you sleep with her sister? 172 00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:15,807 No. 173 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:16,742 Did you sleep with her mom? 174 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:17,709 No. 175 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,978 I'm losing interest in your story. 176 00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,881 Well, you must have done something. 177 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,082 Why did you guys break up? 178 00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,251 He wasn't ready for a commitment. 179 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,386 Uh-huh. 180 00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,889 And her birthday might've been coming up. 181 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,591 ( Suspiciously ): Uh-huh... 182 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,359 Okay, so I didn't want to get a boyfriend-level gift 183 00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,660 For a girl I was just about to break up with. 184 00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:39,097 So you dumped her right before her birthday? 185 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:42,934 No, I didn't dump her right before her birthday. 186 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,737 Uh-oh. 187 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:46,838 Natalie! Hey. 188 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,775 Happy birthday. 189 00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,042 Listen... 190 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,611 ( in rhythm): Never break up with a girl 191 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,413 On her birthday! 192 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:55,781 Lily, please! The shirt! 193 00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:56,681 I know! 194 00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:57,916 It was a mistake! 195 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,585 Well, did she cry her eyes out? 196 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:01,587 I don't know. 197 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,222 How do you not...?! 198 00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,425 Oh, you didn't. 199 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:10,462 Natalie! Hey, happy birthday. 200 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:12,330 Listen... 201 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,634 You're awesome. 202 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,135 You really are. 203 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,870 Awesome. 204 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,640 I'm just like super-busy right now, so... 205 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:26,244 Maybe we should just... Call it a day. 206 00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,113 But you're awesome. 207 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,782 On her answering machine!? 208 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,717 Lily, come on. And on her birthday?! 209 00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:35,120 Oh, who breaks up with somebody 210 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,889 On their answering machine on their birthday?! 211 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,391 Yeah, dude. E-mail. 212 00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:42,928 Not exactly the point I was trying to make, marshall. 213 00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:45,797 That is a terrible way to break up with someone. 214 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,833 Okay, in my client's defense, 215 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:48,835 Is there an unterrible 216 00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,302 Way to break up with somebody? No. 217 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:53,472 Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine 218 00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:54,906 Than face the humiliation in person. 219 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,842 It's the least painful way you can do it. 220 00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:57,909 Who are you calling? 221 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,478 Hi, marshall. It's lily. 222 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,847 We're not gonna have sex for at least a month, 223 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:02,781 But you're awesome. 224 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:03,849 Okay, bye-bye. 225 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,617 No, that was 226 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:06,651 A big mistake, ted. 227 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:07,819 You should've done it in person. 228 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,287 Thank you. 229 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:12,491 Desperate, please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing. 230 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,293 Okay, it was childish and stupid. 231 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,429 I just... I didn't want to see her cry. 232 00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:19,698 Well, guess what? She cried. 233 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,934 You just didn't have the sack to face those tears. 234 00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,536 That was me then, okay? 235 00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,639 This is the new, old-shirt- wearing, sack-having ted. 236 00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:28,874 I'm gonna make this right. 237 00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,509 You know what else? "my younger sister 238 00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,644 Just got married, and I'm about to turn 30" sex. 239 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,113 Fantastic. 240 00:08:36,315 --> 00:08:38,550 An occasion that was supposed to be joyous 241 00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:41,720 Suddenly turned tragic when ethel and sadie margolis, 242 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,221 New york's oldest twins, 243 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,524 Suddenly passed away on this, 244 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,560 The eve of their 100th birthday. 245 00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,496 I'm a dirty, dirty girl. 246 00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:52,898 ( Flatly ): Ow. 247 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:56,968 Reporting live, robin trubotsky, metro news 1. 248 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,671 Clear. 249 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,307 Joel adams wants to see you in his office. 250 00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:05,644 Before you say anything, 251 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:09,247 I just want to say I really like working here at metro news 1. 252 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:12,050 That's great. So, my dog keeps going 253 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:15,687 ( throaty, high-pitched growling ) 254 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,188 What's...? What? 255 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,190 You have dogs, right? 256 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,858 What do you think that means? 257 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:20,926 Take him to the vet? 258 00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:21,928 ( Sputters) 259 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,862 Genius. 260 00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,864 That's one I owe you. 261 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,532 Was that all? 262 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:28,567 Yeah. 263 00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,104 And nothing about the twins story? 264 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,373 Oh, yeah, great job on that one. New york loves you. 265 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:36,675 You're a superstar. Bye-bye. 266 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,778 That's when robin realized 267 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:44,282 No one, not even her boss, watched metro news 1. 268 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,651 ( doorbell ringing ) 269 00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:55,360 Hi. 270 00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:58,563 ( Knocking ) 271 00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,731 Natalie! Come on! 272 00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,066 I just want to say I'm sorry. 273 00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,802 I only came down here 'cause you wouldn't take my call. 274 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,136 Hey, here's an idea... 275 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,138 Why don't you leave a message? 276 00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:09,274 ( Forced laugh) 277 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,642 Good one. 278 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:13,979 Okay, fine, I'm just going to leave this sock monkey here. 279 00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,680 Good-bye. 280 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,253 ( Shrieks) natalie... Okay! Okay! 281 00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:25,090 Look, look, look. I know you're mad, but... 282 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,092 Happy birthday. 283 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:27,392 Three years ago. 284 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:30,261 Oh, yeah? Up yours three years ago. 285 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:33,131 Look, look, I was an idiot leaving that message. 286 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,899 I realize how much that sucked. 287 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,968 No, you don't. 288 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:40,105 Maybe we should just call it a day. 289 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:43,308 But you're awesome. 290 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,211 Okay, bye. 291 00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,415 ( Weakly ): Surprise. 292 00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:54,019 There was a surprise party that night? 293 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,087 How come nobody told me? 294 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:59,057 People think I can't keep a secret, but I totally can. 295 00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:01,359 Sorry, not the issue. 296 00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,429 Look, natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, 297 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:05,864 Terrified of commitment. 298 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,198 And I suppose you're suddenly ready 299 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,034 To get married and settle down. 300 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,269 Well, yeah, actually. 301 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,271 I'm a different guy now. 302 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:16,141 Give me another chance, huh? 303 00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:19,210 You must think I have absolutely no self-respect. 304 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,513 Come on, just a cup of coffee. 305 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,050 ( High-pitched voice): Please, natalie. 306 00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:26,885 Give the guy a chance. 307 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,088 Self-respect is overrated. 308 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:33,958 ( Acoustic pop song plays ) 309 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,493 ( sighs) 310 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:38,029 Wow. 311 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,298 Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really 312 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,400 Brought your game up to a whole new level. 313 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,535 Thanks. 314 00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,403 I did just start subscribing to esquire. 315 00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,972 They have some helpful columns. 316 00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:52,077 The following is from the October issue. 317 00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:55,246 So natalie and I started dating again. 318 00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,549 And just like that, it all came back. 319 00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,017 The tea candles... 320 00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:01,019 The sock monkeys... 321 00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,555 Belle and sebastian, all of it. 322 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:07,158 It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off. 323 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,193 Well, I better run. 324 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:10,528 I have my krav maga class in half an hour. 325 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:13,064 Krav maga. How cool is it that she does krav maga? 326 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,032 Thanks, honey. 327 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,567 Mmm! 328 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:16,935 Bye, guys. 329 00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:19,170 Bye. Bye. Take it easy. 330 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,239 Dude, what's krav maga? 331 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:24,109 I have no idea. Some kind of yoga? 332 00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:26,678 You know, that natalie, she's good times. 333 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,080 Yeah, she's, like, the best girl you've dated in years. 334 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,281 Yeah, ted, hold on to that one. 335 00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:35,120 Yeah. I have to break up with her. 336 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,258 I don't get it, man. Natalie's awesome. 337 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:44,095 I know, she's terrific, but I have to break up with her. 338 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:47,799 ( In rhythm): Why couldn't you leave that poor girl alone? 339 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,801 I know. I hate this. 340 00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,469 These past three weeks have been great. 341 00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:55,206 I should be in love with her, but I'm not feeling that thing. 342 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,808 It's ineffable. 343 00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:57,976 Ineffable. 344 00:12:57,978 --> 00:12:59,477 Good word. 345 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,479 So when are you going to do it? 346 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,081 She's probably on the subway by now. 347 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:04,482 You could call her voice mail: 348 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:07,619 Beep! "dumped." click. Done. 349 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,220 No, I have to do this face-to-face. 350 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,089 I just, I don't know what I'm going to say. 351 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,057 "I'm not ready for a commitment." 352 00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:15,059 Oh, that's such a cliché. 353 00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:16,594 It's not a cliché, it's a classic. 354 00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:19,097 It's the "stairway to heaven" of breakup lines. 355 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:22,233 Well, I think natalie deserves better. 356 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,769 Better. There's no "better" in breaking up. 357 00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,504 There's only "less awful." 358 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,339 A cliché is a cliché for a reason. 359 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,175 It's comforting. 360 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:33,578 I already told her I am ready for a commitment, so... 361 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,180 Oh, my god. There's no way out. 362 00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:36,347 I'm gonna have to marry her. 363 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,750 No, no, we're gonna get you out of this. 364 00:13:38,752 --> 00:13:42,420 Okay, how about... "it's not you, it's me"? 365 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,022 Mm, mm, six words... 366 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,624 "you look fat in those jeans." 367 00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:47,759 You're free to go. 368 00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:51,596 Ted, have you considered telling her the truth? 369 00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:54,165 ( Iaughing ) 370 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,267 Seriously, honey, men are working here. 371 00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:57,669 Ted, what is the truth? 372 00:13:57,671 --> 00:14:00,104 Why do you want to break up with her? 373 00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:02,707 The truth? She's not the one. 374 00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:04,175 So tell her that. 375 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,444 Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible. 376 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:09,047 Why? What is so horrible about that? 377 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,349 Yeah, what is so horrible about that? 378 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,650 She's not the one. 379 00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:15,053 Why is that such a heartbreaking thing to hear? 380 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,622 The chances of one person being another person's "the one" 381 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,657 Are like six billion to one. 382 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,360 Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery. 383 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,895 Exactly! You wouldn't take it personally 384 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,163 If you lost the lottery. 385 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:26,831 All right, man, tell her the truth. 386 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,867 She's gonna cry. 387 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,201 Yeah, and he's gonna sit there 388 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,303 And he's gonna take it like a man. 389 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,872 I have to do the mature thing. 390 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,373 Want to talk mature? 391 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,308 I just wrapped up a live newscast 392 00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,978 By honking my own boobs. 393 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,447 And great tv was had by all. 394 00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:46,084 All right, trubotsky, new challenge, 395 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,086 And this one's big. 396 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,220 But so is the cash reward. 397 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,256 For $1,000... 398 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,057 You heard me... all you have to do 399 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,192 Is get up there on the news 400 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,927 And do one of these. 401 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,103 What the hell is that? 402 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:07,005 Ted, lily, marshall: The ickey shuffle. 403 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,073 And as you do it, you say this: 404 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,275 "elbert ickey woods, 405 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:13,278 "the bengals were fools to cut you in '91. 406 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,580 "Your 1,525 rushing yards 407 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:18,049 "and your 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten. 408 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:22,453 So coach dave shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse." 409 00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:25,890 Just write it down for me. 410 00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,258 What do I care? It's not like 411 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,460 Anyone's watching, anyway, right? 412 00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:34,265 Man, she's gonna cry. 413 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:38,269 It's the law of love, chunk. 414 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,605 Thanks, lil. 415 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,775 So, the next night, I took natalie out to dinner... 416 00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:49,113 Look, uh, natalie, there's something I have to say. 417 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,248 Oh, wait, wait. 418 00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,883 There's something I have to say first. 419 00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:53,952 Today, at work, I had not one, not two, 420 00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,987 But three birthday cakes. 421 00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:58,056 So tonight, can we just skip the cake? 422 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:00,291 Today's your birthday? 423 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,061 Yeah. No, it's okay, I wasn't telling anyone about it. 424 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,595 Today's your birthday! 425 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,597 I... 426 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:10,068 I didn't get you anything. 427 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,736 Oh, it's okay. 428 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,806 You know, you've already given me the best present of all. 429 00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:19,077 I can trust again. 430 00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:22,680 You're welcome. 431 00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,887 Oh, sir, much more wine. 432 00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:39,764 Henry, as new york's oldest hansom cab driver, 433 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,132 You've seen quite a lot. 434 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,501 In your past 60 years on the job, 435 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,870 What is your most exciting memory? 436 00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,705 Well... 437 00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:48,673 Ah, this is it. 438 00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:49,941 Oh, boy, here we go. 439 00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:51,175 Everyone, everyone, 440 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,977 If I may direct your attention to the television. 441 00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:56,614 You are about to see something amazing. 442 00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,049 And then, in '72, 443 00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:01,119 Mickey mantle rode my cab 444 00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,888 For the fourth time. 445 00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:06,190 Come on, baby. Bring it home. 446 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:09,027 But the most exciting moment... 447 00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:12,897 That would have to be this one, right now. 448 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,632 What? 449 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,668 Look at me. I'm on tv. 450 00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:20,838 I never thought I'd have my story told. 451 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,876 Thank you, miss robin trubotsky. 452 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,744 Thank you. 453 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,679 And right then, aunt robin realized 454 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:30,882 How important her job truly was. 455 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,651 It's an honor to tell your story, henry. 456 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,386 You know, metro news one 457 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:38,189 May not be number one in viewership, 458 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,992 But this reporter takes pride in... 459 00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:42,093 Whoa! Oh...! 460 00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:45,229 Oh, my god, I'm covered in horse crap! 461 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,765 Oh, my... It's in my hair. 462 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,700 You planned that? 463 00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,502 Ow, my knee! Ow! No, marshall. 464 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,739 That was beyond my wildest dreams. 465 00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:58,409 So, if you ever come to alabama, 466 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:01,212 My mom throws these huge crawfish boils, 467 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:03,848 And she's just dying to meet you, by the way. 468 00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,383 Look, natalie, there's something I have to say, 469 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,118 And, uh, there's no good way to say it. 470 00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,088 I want to break up. 471 00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,191 I don't think you're the one for me. 472 00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:15,726 I don't want to waste your time, 473 00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:17,061 Because I really like you. 474 00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,429 I want to do right by you, 475 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:22,033 And I think the best way for me to do that is just to be honest. 476 00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:24,368 I'm sorry. 477 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,906 Oh, god, just let it out. 478 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:31,843 They're only tears. 479 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,547 Aah! 480 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,483 I'm not the one for you?! 481 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:40,051 I'm sorry, I just... 482 00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:41,752 I-I-I thought the mature thing to do... 483 00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:42,954 It's my birthday! 484 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,155 Yes, I know. I didn't realize... 485 00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,423 It's my birthday, 486 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,325 And you're telling me I'm not the one for you?! 487 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,427 It's really not such a big deal. 488 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:52,763 I mean, the odds... it's like you lost the lottery. 489 00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,966 Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery?! 490 00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,667 No, no, no, no, I didn't mean that. 491 00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,169 Okay, so what's the problem?! 492 00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,671 I... I... I can't explain it. 493 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:01,472 Try! 494 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,641 It's... Ineffable. 495 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:06,144 I'm not eff able? 496 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,945 No, no, no, no. "ineffable." 497 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:10,248 "ineffable" means it can't be explained. 498 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:11,449 Oh, so I'm stupid? 499 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,151 Oh, god, what's going on? 500 00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,686 Okay, what's going on is you broke my heart 501 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,688 Over my answering machine 502 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,123 On my birthday, 503 00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:22,126 Waited three years for me to get over you, 504 00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,462 Tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, 505 00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,164 Only so you could dump me 506 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,966 Three weeks later, again, on my birthday! 507 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,536 No, it's-it's-it's not like that. 508 00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:33,671 I'm just... It's-it's-it's... 509 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:34,605 What?! 510 00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:37,808 I'm just, like, super busy right now. 511 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,044 Remember when natalie said... 512 00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:42,880 I have my krav maga class in half an hour. 513 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,716 Turns out krav maga is not a kind of yoga. 514 00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,485 It's a form of guerrilla street fighting 515 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,187 Developed by the israeli army. 516 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,756 ( grunts ) 517 00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:55,693 This is compliments 518 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,228 Of those two gentlemen at the bar. 519 00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,497 ( Mockingly ): My knee! 520 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:02,133 It's in my hair! 521 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,104 But isn't it nice to know people are watching? 522 00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:11,642 Marshall: Oh, my god. 523 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,144 Are you all right? 524 00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:14,645 Lily: What happened to you? 525 00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,180 I told the truth. 526 00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:20,051 Turns out the truth has a mean roundhouse kick. 527 00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,352 Oh, man. 528 00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:23,187 Oh, well, you did the right thing. 529 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:24,088 I'm proud of you. 530 00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,890 I'm bleeding internally. 531 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,826 Hey, ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? 532 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:29,860 Other people's misfortune. 533 00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,062 You missed something so amazing. 534 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:32,597 Please, can we just have one person 535 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,332 In this whole bar who didn't see it? 536 00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,566 ( Sighs): Fine. 537 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,034 Are you okay? 538 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,936 I really thought I was doing it 539 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,271 The good way this time. 540 00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:41,872 I guess there is no good way. 541 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,107 Sometimes, 542 00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:45,943 No matter how hard you try to do the right thing, 543 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,945 You just end up flat on your back, 544 00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,214 Flailing around in a big pile of horse crap. 545 00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,216 You saw it? 546 00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,050 My phone gets the internet now. 547 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,019 ( Chuckling) 548 00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,754 It's okay... 549 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,423 And that's how it ended with natalie. 550 00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:02,293 No happily ever after, just a whole lot of hurt. 551 00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,095 And just like that, 552 00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:07,932 All those wonderful memories were replaced... By this one. 553 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,900 But, you know, bad as that night was, 554 00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:11,736 Within a year, natalie was married. 555 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,272 And now she has three beautiful children. 556 00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:16,240 So that's the upside of hurt. 557 00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,909 Sometimes it happens for a reason. 558 00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:20,878 Wow. 559 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,914 So you got beat up by a girl? 560 00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:26,250 Is that all you're taking away from this story? 561 00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:29,120 You got beat up by a girl. 562 00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:31,622 Hey, she knew krav maga.