1 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,878 Good morning, son. 2 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,918 Yes, Mother, it certainly is. 3 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,832 Oh, you got your flip-top back? 4 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,190 - Laptop. - That's it. 5 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,840 Got it back last night after our games night. 6 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,559 Did that young lad manage to fix it for you? 7 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,473 Yeah, I found out last night I'd picked up a virus. 8 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,997 Me inbox had been hacked to bits. 9 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,517 Oh, son, what have I told you about going into that old town? 10 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,151 No, a computer virus. 11 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:05,118 Anyway, my name has been cleared and I am in receipt of a full apology. 12 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,031 Oh, that's nice. 13 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:11,433 An email from Barry Stent, aka The Grand Wizard. 14 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,155 "Dear Mr Maltby, 15 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,674 "After careful consideration of the facts..." 16 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,035 Blah, blah, blah, blah, 17 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,519 here we go... 18 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:24,037 "It is my very great pleasure to clear you of all wrongdoing 19 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:27,271 "and reinstate you with the Quiz Master title, 20 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,920 "second only to The Grand Wizard. 21 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,709 "Congratulations, brother, you are, once again, 22 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,433 "The Oracle." 23 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,910 Oh, well done, son. I am pleased. 24 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,272 Justice has prevailed, Mother. 25 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,198 Smashing. Are you gonna have a bit of breakfast? 26 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,271 You know, when they asked Nelson Mandela about his time in prison, 27 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:55,239 and he said, "I went on a long holiday for 27 years." 28 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,753 I think I know what he meant. 29 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:01,078 We're only booked in 'til Friday, love. 30 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,276 No. What I mean is... 31 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:13,238 - Begging your pardon. - Oh, Pauline, love, what is that smell? 32 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:14,829 Drain cleaner. 33 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:18,276 I had a slight contretemps with the bidet this morning. 34 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,075 Mistook it for the lavatory. 35 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:25,155 In the long run, I think you'll find Mr Wu's take away 36 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,710 is not the bargain the price would initially suggest. 37 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,515 Pauline, are you feeling okay? 38 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,916 You look like you've gone 12 rounds with Frank Bruno. 39 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,269 - Twelve rounds of tequila, more like. - Oh, don't be ridiculous. 40 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,119 I am merely suffering from a mild bout of hay fever. 41 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,553 Hey. 42 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,551 There is no self-service for alcohol. 43 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:49,279 - I beg your pardon? - I see you taking spirits. 44 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,153 The bar is not open until after breakfast. 45 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,912 If you need alcohol so early in the morning, 46 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,151 the supermarket is open for the alco-frolics at 8:00 a.m. 47 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:58,559 How dare you? 48 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:03,071 I have been by as a drone for the last 18 months. 49 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,196 You have your warning. 50 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:11,719 Oh, Pauline, and you were doing so well. 51 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,957 Okay, I won't keep you long. 52 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,230 Crystal Hennessey-Vass, in all her infinite wisdom, 53 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,551 has decided that wristbands are a thing of the past. 54 00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,518 So, as of today, we'll be rolling out a new system 55 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,672 of bar-coded ID cards, 56 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,512 just like this one here. 57 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,195 So, is there anyone present who is au fait 58 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:37,316 with this latest technology? 59 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:39,838 What is a fey? 60 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,593 - No idea. - Anyone good with computers? 61 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,955 Do you want me to get on the blower to Baby Jesus? 62 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,555 Do you remember? It was him who showed me 63 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,153 how to use the hotel computer. 64 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,357 Erm, how old is he again? 65 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,434 Nine. 66 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,909 I think not. You can stay behind, Les. 67 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,070 Let's hope Baby Jesus taught you well. 68 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:02,392 - Amber, you're on posters and leaflets. - Of course. No problem. 69 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:06,712 The rest of you be sure to explain the situation delicately. 70 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,870 Our guests do not like change. 71 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:13,715 We once tried to introduce a fair-use policy on alcohol. 72 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,030 It was like the Brixton riots. 73 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,758 Okay, vamoose! 74 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,115 - Morning, campers! - Late night, Kenneth? 75 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,713 No, it was a very early one. 76 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:32,949 After I woke up in Neptune's 77 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,918 I went to The Intimate Bar in the old town for some karaoke. 78 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,035 They worry about me if I don't give them 79 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:38,599 my little white bull at least once a week. 80 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,113 I was in bed by 3:00. 81 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,111 So you're ready for a full day in the salon? 82 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,952 New start after our little disagreement? 83 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,877 - Absolutely. - Well, you can't. 84 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:47,434 What? 85 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,394 The Spanish workmen have let me down and the salon isn't ready. 86 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:53,509 I told you. 87 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,478 The only deadline them Spanish builders will work to is mañana. 88 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,949 Because you know about mañana, it never comes. 89 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,115 Donald and I once knew a Spanish builder like that. 90 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,270 I had to hire a wheelchair. 91 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,355 So anyway, looks like you've got another day off. 92 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,716 Oh, no, not me, love, I'm like a coiled spring. 93 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,677 Why don't we put the nail bar out here? 94 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,716 - Do what? - Next to the pool? 95 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,189 I suggested it once to Liam, but with his fair skin, 96 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:20,759 more than 20 minutes in the sun 97 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,717 and he ends up looking like Carrie on prom night. 98 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:24,194 Right, 99 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:25,958 if I'm going to do a full day's work 100 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:28,156 I'd better bulk up on carbs. 101 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,912 More toast. 102 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,111 Do you have any idea how this game works, then? 103 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,674 Not a clue, mate. 104 00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,990 All I know is the prawns move sideways. 105 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,798 Right. Is she even looking? 106 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,478 Yeah, she's coming! 107 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,913 Okay, do what I do. 108 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,434 Ahem. Nice try, Joseph. 109 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:10,238 Not this time, though, my old friend. 110 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,676 - Nice try, Joseph. Not this time... - No, you dickhead, 111 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:15,639 just answer me! 112 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,039 Ahem. 113 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,872 Yes, sorry about that, Joseph, 114 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,155 I thought that strong opening would fox you. 115 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,196 Yeah, geez, I tried to jump your prawn, 116 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,475 but you was, like, "Boom, take that, bitch!" 117 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,676 Yes, you'll have to wake up pretty early in the morning 118 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,557 to sneak that manoeuvre past me, old boy. 119 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:33,394 Yeah, bruv, you were like totally owning me. I got to step my shit up, innit? 120 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,072 I think you could say that. 121 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,548 Hello, boys. 122 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,393 Oh, wow, playing chess? I love it. 123 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,635 Now if I can just avoid your fox 124 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:47,474 and get my horsey to eat your prawn, 125 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,233 I think it might be time to get the checkmate! 126 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,871 Here's a leaflet about new ID cards. 127 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,713 If you need any help reading it, let me know. 128 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,235 What, bruv? 129 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,313 What? 130 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,034 I can't hear you. 131 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,839 He wants you to apologise for last night. 132 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,229 Apologise for what? 133 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,430 Making a swift recovery? 134 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,670 I didn't realise good health were a crime. 135 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,955 Good health? One minute you're on death's door, 136 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,792 the next you're being thrown from a bucking bronco 137 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,154 with a liver full of tequila. 138 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,913 Very good for cauterising pain, alcohol. 139 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,831 Anyway, if I hadn't gone on the bucking bronco, 140 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,354 I wouldn't have won these, would I? 141 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,030 Champagne brunch for two at the Three Seasons. 142 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,872 You went on a bucking bronco? 143 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,552 Aye, and I won. 144 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,757 Well, in fairness, it was the over-65 category. 145 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,235 The only other one was this old Spanish lass. 146 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,993 I tried to warn her against going on a bucking bronco 147 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,992 with a colostomy bag, but she were having none of it. 148 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,559 What kind of bag, Grandad? 149 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,119 Well, basically, it's a great, big 150 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,395 - bag of sh... - Never mind, darling. 151 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,955 Anyway, I thought these might be a way of making up for 152 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,429 slightly exaggerating me illness. 153 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,994 - Thanks, Dad, that's really kind. - No worries, kid. 154 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,991 Rob, Jodie, have a great time. 155 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,036 Dad! 156 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,712 I'm only messing with you! 157 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,756 Oh, come on, Sheron, love. 158 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,478 I'll look after the kids. 159 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,198 I've just had my breakfast, thank you. 160 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,078 Come on, it'll be nice. 161 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:25,639 Worth it just for the champagne. 162 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,273 Go on, Mum, we'll be all right. 163 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,477 It's not all greasy bacon and eggs like this place, 164 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,358 they do fruit and all that diet stuff that you like. 165 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,109 Me mother's upset that you've started drinking again. 166 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,952 What are you talking about? 167 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,996 This is pineapple juice. 168 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,672 Nature's candy. 169 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,273 You're smashed out of your head. 170 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,952 How dare you? 171 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,032 It's merely the time of year, my sinuses are blocked. 172 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,718 - Give us that, here. - What are you doing? 173 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,028 - It's no good for you. - Get off, 174 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,634 - it's part of my five-a-day! - Look, just give us it, here! 175 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,280 You're spilling it! 176 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,118 Ah, perfect timing, my good man. 177 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,590 One more pineapple juice 178 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:27,116 and another portion of your splendid nuts. 179 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,439 So, after you've checked their room number and their passport, 180 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,273 you input their name here 181 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,989 and you take their photo with this desk-mounted camera. 182 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,752 You see? Simple. 183 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,876 Easy, an idiot could do it. 184 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,917 Well, that was the general idea. 185 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,436 But make sure the photo is exactly like this one. 186 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,556 No looking off to the side, 187 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,916 no cutting off the top of the head or one of their numerous chins. 188 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,958 It must be framed exactly like this one. 189 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,436 - Understood. - Marvellous. See you later. 190 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,512 Mrs Temple Savage, I can't do this now. 191 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,431 I'm due a few hours off. 192 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:10,074 - I beg your pardon? - You agreed to it last week. 193 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,798 For personal reasons. 194 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,592 Oh, no, I'm sorry, Les, 195 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,194 but we're short-staffed as it is 196 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,829 and I've got a meeting with my financial advisor. 197 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,070 Anyway, it's not in the book. 198 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,912 I know, I asked you to put it in the book, 199 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,753 - but you said, don't bother. - Really? 200 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,913 Yes, I remember because you said your mind is like a Thai prison. 201 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,754 Once something goes in, it never comes out. 202 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,680 No, I'm sorry, Les. We're run off our feet. 203 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,877 Mrs Temple Savage, I wouldn't normally insist, 204 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,394 but I'm actually having laser eye surgery. 205 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,516 The old peepers aren't what they used to be, 206 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,114 and it's all booked in. 207 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,428 What happened to you? 208 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,472 Just another day in the bin of the loonies. 209 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,835 I'm sorry, Les, there's nothing I can do. 210 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,797 The rules are there for a reason. 211 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,077 Without them, we descend into chaos, 212 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,309 you must see that. 213 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,915 I can hardly see anything, that's why I booked the appointment! 214 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,878 - Hey, Mateo, have you got a minute? - What do you want? 215 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,110 Let me teach you how to use this, quick. 216 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,119 Well, hey, there! 217 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,714 Well, hey, there, yourself! What can I get you? 218 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,717 I'd like one tequila sunrise. 219 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,916 Don't you think you're a bit young for tequila? 220 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,513 Oh, it ain't for me, 221 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,110 I wanna surprise my granddaddy with it, over there. 222 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,758 Excuse me, my dear, 223 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:34,594 when you have a moment, you pop a small large vodka in there, will you? 224 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:35,795 No ice. 225 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:39,156 Well, excuse me! You might have noticed there is a line. 226 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:44,593 Oh, so sorry, madam. Please. After you. 227 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:47,240 I'm sorry, darling, but I can't serve you. 228 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,392 You're just too itty-bitty small for alcohol. 229 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,669 I beg your pardon? 230 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,079 Yeah, I'll serve you in just one second. 231 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:54,673 I'm not talking about my drink, 232 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,797 I refer to your appalling, bare-faced racism. 233 00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,155 Racism? 234 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,835 Our diminutive American cousin may be a dwarf, 235 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,753 but that doesn't exclude her from enjoying her holiday. 236 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,796 - I ain't no dwarf! - Sorry. 237 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,158 'Course. Midget. 238 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,508 Tell me, 239 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:16,718 did you have many relatives in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? 240 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,110 I ain't no dwarf or no midget, I'm just a little person. 241 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,070 Exactly. You're a person. 242 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,230 And I will not stand by and have you discriminated against 243 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,630 by Miss Tits and Teeth, 1993, here. 244 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:34,190 - You do realise she's not actually... - No, young lady. 245 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,510 It is you who doesn't realise. 246 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:42,436 Now, two very small large vodka and pineapples 247 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,556 or I'll have your badge. 248 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,199 I'm Pauline, by the way. 249 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:50,793 Charmed. I'm Jodie. 250 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,030 So nice to meet a kindred spirit. 251 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:55,633 I don't know if you've noticed, 252 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,998 but there is quite an odd element in the local clientele. 253 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,236 Stupid is as stupid does. 254 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:06,309 Exactly, I couldn't have put it better myself. 255 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,039 By the way, you're going to need to exchange your wristbands 256 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,588 for an ID Card in reception, if that's okay? 257 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,035 Oh, quit your jibber-jabber. 258 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,032 To coin an old Chaucerian saying, 259 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:21,159 "Lady, you're really beginning to get on my tits." 260 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,318 Yes, please? 261 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,595 Please, take a seat. 262 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:33,553 Tell me, from which part of the new world do you hail? 263 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,956 So, the main thing is 264 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,350 to get the photo exactly like this one. 265 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,078 Okay, no problem. 266 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:45,509 So, where are you going? 267 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,910 Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm booked in for an operation. 268 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,275 - Operation? - Corrective surgery. 269 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,912 Really? 270 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,798 Oh, yeah. I've always wanted to get it done. 271 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,472 I can't go on like this. 272 00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,357 Does Liam know you are doing this? 273 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,317 He was the one who suggested it. 274 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,751 Madre mia! 275 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,959 And you will be away for a long time? 276 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,675 No, you're in and out these days, pal. I'll be back in a couple of hours. 277 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,716 - How can this be? - They use a laser. 278 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,595 - A laser? - Aye, they're quick, painless. 279 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:22,999 Whoa! 280 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:24,433 Just like that, 281 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,670 and your life changes forever. 282 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,399 Exactly, 1,500 euros 283 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:33,029 and I'll be seeing things clearly for the first time in years. 284 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,116 So, I'm all right to get off, then? 285 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,958 Of course. Anything you need. 286 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,311 - I am here for you. - Ah, thanks, pal. 287 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:43,674 You're a mate. 288 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,315 Goodbye, Les. 289 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,155 And tonight you will be Lesley, yes? 290 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:51,639 I reckon so. 291 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,952 And I will love you just as much, brother. 292 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,473 I mean, sister. 293 00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,799 Aye, champ. 294 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:01,755 I'll see you later. 295 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,311 Now that is a crime. 296 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,559 Excuse me? 297 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,632 A beautiful woman sitting all on her own 298 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,354 with nothing but the Spanish sun for company. 299 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:25,513 My friends are here, they're just a bit busy at the moment. 300 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:31,038 Well, why don't I sit and keep you company until they come back, eh? 301 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,269 Oh... 302 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,555 Are you all right? I can leave you in peace if you want? 303 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,596 No, I'm sorry. 304 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,717 It's just, that was my husband's sunbed. 305 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,597 Bloody hell, you could have said. 306 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:45,389 No, I meant, when we used to come here together. 307 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,715 He recently passed away. 308 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,075 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love. 309 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,357 Still, I bet the last thing he'd want is for you to be lonely. 310 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,510 Yeah, you're right there. 311 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,160 I bet he's looking down on you now, 312 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,391 seeing you with a handsome fella next to you, 313 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,311 with a big smile on his face. 314 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:06,755 Yeah. 315 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,912 To be honest, that's what he liked to do when he was alive. 316 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,028 Excuse me, guys. 317 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,032 Just need to ask you to make your way to reception at some point today 318 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,031 for new ID cards, if that's okay? 319 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,439 No problem, darling. 320 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,633 Hello? 321 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,794 Shop? 322 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,432 One and a half very thirsty people over here. 323 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,708 When you have a moment, obviously. 324 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,994 Are you absolutely sure she's drunk? 325 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,158 Mother, she's on the bar doing the breast stroke. 326 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:49,478 I think she's just a bit giddy about the hot weather. 327 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,834 Don't be fooled, Mother. 328 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,630 It may be sunny now, but there's a storm on its way. 329 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,797 And this one is the bishop. 330 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,314 - He can move any number of squares... - Like the queen! 331 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,709 No, any number of squares diagonally... 332 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,028 - Like the queen! - No. 333 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,872 Let him finish, man! 334 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,396 Any number of squares diagonally, but he can't jump over other pieces. 335 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:14,632 Okay, so how come the king, who is, like, the king, 336 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,597 can only move one space? 337 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,033 Is he, like, disabled? 338 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,838 Because, mate, if you ask me, 339 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,957 he's no better off than a prawn, and that can't be right. 340 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,717 Hey, Jodie, you all right? 341 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,199 Yeah, can I get my nails done? 342 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,759 They said they'd do it for free, 343 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,195 but I have to ask me mum, but she's not here. 344 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:35,114 I reckon so. Is me Grandad looking after you? 345 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,956 Yeah... I've been talking to Pauline. 346 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:41,396 Cool, when you've had your nails done, make sure you go back to Grandad. 347 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:42,555 All right. 348 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:47,076 Okay, so how do you remember which thing does what? 349 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,151 Look, it's probably easier if we have a game 350 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,196 and you can learn it as you go along. 351 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,880 Nice one, bruv, do you want to play for money? 352 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,479 Okay, next one, please, keep it moving. 353 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,516 Oh, it's you. 354 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:06,674 Now, I would like one very small large vodka and pineapple juice, 355 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,432 - half a lager and... - Wait. 356 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:12,511 - This is not a bar. - What do you mean it's not a bar? 357 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,433 What the Dickens are all these people queueing for? 358 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:16,509 No! 359 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,517 No! Give it back, I say! 360 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:22,195 Shut up, you, crazy woman. This is instead of your wristband. 361 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,554 Oh. 362 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,959 I do beg your pardon. 363 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,359 What is your room number? 364 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,512 - Sorry? - What is your room number? 365 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,750 Now, just a moment, 366 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,035 I may have had one or two sherbets, 367 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,509 but you won't find me easy pickings. 368 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:38,238 I just need your room number. 369 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,151 You're quite persistent, aren't you? 370 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,750 Room 625. 371 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,675 Any time after midnight. 372 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,431 - Cheers. - Cheers. 373 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,190 - See how thoughtful me dad is? - Hmm... 374 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,708 He's just a bit eccentric. He always has been. 375 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,553 Yeah, that's the word, eccentric. 376 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,197 I know he puts on a brave face, but this divorce has hit him hard. 377 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,953 Can you imagine starting a new life when you're nearly 70? 378 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,389 He's not nearly 70, he's 66. 379 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,833 That's not far off. 380 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,039 It's very far off. 381 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,271 Oh, yeah, yeah. 382 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,119 Just like 47 is miles away from fi... 383 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,350 The next big number. You don't have to say it. 384 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,192 Hey, hey, don't be shy. 385 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,875 You know my feelings about being with a slightly more mature woman. 386 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,512 Do you want to drink the rest of that champagne or wear it? 387 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,672 Right. Let's finish this then have a walk up the prom. 388 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,796 I wanna see about getting you one of them mobility scooters. 389 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,757 I'm joking, I'm joking! 390 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,554 Gracias. 391 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,235 Oh, champagne? 392 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:52,673 Are we celebrating? 393 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,910 Yes, of course, Joyce. 394 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,275 We have to toast to your new home. 395 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,636 Oh, Monty. 396 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:04,076 I didn't mention it when I left a message on your phone, but... 397 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,439 - I didn't get it. - Oh. 398 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,398 I think they'll take the champagne back if you haven't touched it. 399 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,038 Don't worry about that. 400 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,152 It came free with a voucher I won a few nights ago. 401 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,753 That was clever of you. 402 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,150 Not really, I've still got the bruises to prove it. 403 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:21,909 Bruises? 404 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,152 Never mind. 405 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,151 Well, that was a bit of a waste, 406 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,471 me pulling all those strings to get your mortgage increased. 407 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:30,834 Well, maybe not, 408 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,831 I've also come into a bit of money. 409 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,035 Oh, really? 410 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,199 Fifteen thousand euros. 411 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,714 Fifteen thousand euros? 412 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,234 Oh, Joyce, you're not back on the scratch cards again, are you? 413 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,999 No, of course not. So, what I was thinking was, 414 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:49,039 with the 15,000 and the 150,000 mortgage, 415 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:51,111 I can afford one of your villas. 416 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,235 My villas? 417 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,958 Well, yeah, the, erm... 418 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,918 Where is it? The leaflet that you gave me a few weeks ago. 419 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,069 Oh. 420 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,639 Oh, those. 421 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,756 I thought we could go and see them 'cause I don't have to be back 422 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,512 at the Solana for a couple of hours. 423 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,873 Joyce, can I be frank with you? 424 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,272 Of course you can be frank. 425 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,636 These are not the sort of houses that you sell to a friend. 426 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,912 - Oh. - And I do count you as a friend, Joyce. 427 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,958 So do I, Frank... Er, Monty. 428 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,998 A friend I'd like to... Get to know more. 429 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,192 How much more? 430 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,635 Well, it's been a slow burn, 431 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,915 but, er, I realised it this morning, 432 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,390 every time we're about to meet, the signs are all there. 433 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,789 The best tie comes out of the drawer, 434 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,553 the careful trimming of the moustache in the mirror, 435 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,676 an extra squirt of Hai Karate. 436 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,478 Extra squirt of what? 437 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,719 It's an after shave. 438 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,836 Oh. So, 439 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,438 you're asking me on a date? 440 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,438 That's right, 441 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,238 I'm asking you to go on a date. 442 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,199 My answer is yes, Monty. I'd love to go on a date with you. 443 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,679 Ha! Wonderful. 444 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:03,958 Something I didn't mention because I'm not one to gloat, 445 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,315 but I am a gold card-holder 446 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,908 for Mr Wu's Buffet just off the Mediterraneo. 447 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:10,835 Oh. 448 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,992 Well, we could meet at the Solana and decide from there. 449 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,109 Yes, of course. 450 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,674 I mean, a woman of your breeding deserves the very best. 451 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,231 A la carte at Mr Wu's. 452 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:22,759 Oh, yes. 453 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:24,671 Chips and rice tonight, Joyce. 454 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:28,036 Chips and rice! 455 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,233 Hey, Mateo. How's the ID card thing going? 456 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,595 Everything is under the control. 457 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,750 It is all about relegation. 458 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:46,114 You mean delegation? 459 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,269 Is what I'm saying. 460 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:51,273 Another very small large vodka and pineapple juice, 461 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:52,509 if you please. 462 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:58,992 I do not understand, all of this is just more work. 463 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,399 It's quite clever. 464 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,119 It keeps track of who's eating and drinking what. 465 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,270 Also means we don't have to stock-take either. 466 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,954 If we're running low on something, it just flashes up. 467 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,359 Look. 468 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,237 Can I just borrow your card? 469 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,959 I may as well have a very small... 470 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:17,237 Very small large Baileys while you're at it. 471 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,949 I've developed quite a sweet tooth today, for some reason. 472 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,508 And now we press enter, 473 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,478 and it should tell how us many drinks the guest has had today. 474 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,713 Ooh, 842. 475 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,870 - Skol! - Well, that can't be right. 476 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,430 It says here she has had 842 drinks. 477 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:42,638 Don't forget, I had quite a large breakfast. 478 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,199 Show me the card. 479 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,790 Why does her card have a picture of Joyce on it? 480 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,075 - This is correct, no? - No. 481 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,633 Excuse me, can I just have a look at your cards? 482 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,319 Mateo, they all have Joyce on them. 483 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:01,594 Okay, listen. 484 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,478 Before Les went for his sex-change, he say, 485 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,996 "Mateo, print the cards exactly like this one." 486 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,752 You can ask him when he gets back. 487 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:13,355 I mean, you can ask her when she gets back. 488 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,510 Oh, my God... 489 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,955 You didn't know about his operation? 490 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,878 It was a shock for me, too. 491 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,275 Then that were it, 492 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:34,079 40 years marriage down the drain. 493 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,390 Oh, I am sorry. 494 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,313 Yes, I admit, I was wrong to stray, 495 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,159 but a man has his needs, if you don't mind me saying so. 496 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,232 Oh, no, you can say what you like with me. 497 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,880 And then as Mary got older, 498 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,669 well, just let's say her appetite diminished. 499 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:55,230 And she didn't exactly start off starving hungry. 500 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,835 I've always thought of sex as a dinner party. 501 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,195 As long as all the guests are invited, 502 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,955 you can go ahead and make a right old pig of yourself. 503 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,393 - Hmm. - Eddie, 504 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,199 can I have a squirt of your cream? 505 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,319 Ooh, I feel like a sausage that hasn't been pricked. 506 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,550 - You what? - Me back. 507 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:17,993 I'm burning up. 508 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:21,117 Oh, aye. Do you want me to do it for you? 509 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,077 Oh, yes! 510 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:30,670 Right, Jungle Red, here we go. 511 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,117 Oh, my God, check the date on that bottle. 512 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,918 I've never smelt a polish so strong. 513 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:35,989 I haven't opened it yet. 514 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:39,918 Oh, oh, my God. 515 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:42,832 I was thinking, Jodie, 516 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:46,276 two young, single women like ourselves, 517 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,555 maybe we should hit the town later? 518 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:51,752 Well, I'm here with my mum, so I would have to ask her. 519 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,429 Tell me, is your mother a short person as well? 520 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,154 I mean, does it run in the family? 521 00:25:58,240 --> 00:25:59,593 Like being ginger? 522 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,318 Can you keep your hands still, please. 523 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,311 The look we're going for is '50s glamour, 524 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:04,998 not like you've been gutting a rabbit. 525 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,315 My mum's really tall. 526 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,594 Say that again. 527 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,750 My mum's really tall. 528 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,717 Do you know it's fascinating, 529 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,712 but you've slipped out of your American accent. 530 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:19,759 Oddly enough, I was in South Africa and picked up a twang there. 531 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:23,037 It's ebbed away the last few years, thank God. 532 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:24,917 Do you know, 533 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,390 at times, I sounded almost toffee-nosed? 534 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,233 Can you believe that? 535 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,311 Ah, perfect timing. 536 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:38,428 Same again for me, and my little friend here will have a margarita. 537 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,796 For tonight, we hit the town. 538 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,310 I'm sorry. We're not serving you any more. 539 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,550 I thought this was supposed to be all inclusive? 540 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,471 We're not serving you any more alcohol. 541 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:50,479 Fine. 542 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:55,873 Then just two very large margaritas for my good friend Jodie. 543 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,515 She hasn't had half the alcohol I've had. 544 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,431 - I beg your pardon? - I can assure you 545 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,637 this young lady's been served no alcohol, whatsoever. 546 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:08,396 I've been drinking all afternoon with this splendid woman 547 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,916 and I can assure you she's been knocking back the vodkas 548 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,592 like a Russian soldier. 549 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:14,954 What? 550 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,998 She can drink as well as the next man, 551 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,038 as long as the next man is Paul Gascoigne. 552 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:22,951 What is going on here? 553 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,430 Hiya, what was your champagne brunch like? 554 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,391 I'll champagne brunch you in a minute! 555 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,232 - Where's your grandad? - Um. 556 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,718 Are you Jodie's mother? 557 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:33,153 She said you were very tall. 558 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,071 Who the frigging hell are you? 559 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,151 I'm Jodie's new drinking partner. 560 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,992 We've had quite the day, haven't we, darling? 561 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,313 Oh, Pauline. 562 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,637 Come on, let's get you inside. 563 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,951 It's gonna be all right, everything's gonna be all right. 564 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,111 Don't my nails look pretty, Mummy? 565 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:08,069 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to this intervention 566 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,355 for my sister Pauline, 567 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,556 - who is an alcoholic. - Not true! 568 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:14,958 Pauline, it's okay. 569 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:16,752 It's time to face your demons. 570 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,593 No, I mean, I'm not your sister, am I? 571 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:20,829 Technically speaking. 572 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,353 Oh, right. What, you bringing that up now? 573 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,671 Come on, Pauline, love, play nice. 574 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,239 We're trying to help you. 575 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,630 Not being funny, pal, but what's this got to do with us? 576 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:34,190 An important part of the process is Pauline apologising 577 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:35,872 to the people she's hurt. 578 00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,795 So, I'd like to ask Sheron 579 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,269 if she'd air some of her grievances, please? 580 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,710 Right, I'm going to try and stay calm. 581 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:46,951 Basically, I go out for two hours and I come back 582 00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,793 to find my 7-year-old daughter sitting with this lunatic 583 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:51,871 drinking vodka through a curly straw. 584 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,997 In my defence, I did think your daughter was a midget. 585 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:58,436 - What? - Sorry. I mean, "little person". 586 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:01,751 Hang on, we've established Jodie wasn't served alcohol at any time. 587 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,718 Yeah, don't you think you're taking this a bit seriously? 588 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,360 Seriously? Of course I'm taking it seriously! 589 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,159 I ask you to look after my child for one morning, Eddie, 590 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:11,275 anything could have happened! 591 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:13,635 Okay, folks, we're here for Pauline... 592 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,711 I'm not here for Pauline. I'm here to find out 593 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,268 exactly what happened to my daughter while I was away. 594 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,396 Away having a champagne brunch. 595 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:23,119 Aha! Now we're getting somewhere. 596 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:24,679 What's that go to do with anything? 597 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:28,514 Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. 598 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,670 - You what? Listen you! - Sheron, just sit down! 599 00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:33,274 Guys, guys! I think we're getting a bit side-tracked. 600 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:35,590 Maybe we should try to speak one at a time. 601 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:37,789 Yep. 602 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,678 We'll use this as a talking stick. 603 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,479 Pauline, I think you should go first. 604 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:44,834 What's this? 605 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:46,916 We're using it as a talking stick. 606 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:54,953 No, I can't hear anything. 607 00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:57,952 - Oh, this is ridiculous! - Sorry to interrupt, love, 608 00:29:58,040 --> 00:29:59,712 I'm only here to find out who's paying for her nails. 609 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:03,634 I'm going, this woman has wasted enough of my time already. 610 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:06,958 Sorry. 611 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:09,315 Right. Who wants a beer? 612 00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:12,116 We can't have alcohol. 613 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,794 This is supposed to be an intervention. 614 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,952 Mum? 615 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:18,314 Mum! 616 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:22,035 Oh, I'm sorry, love, I was just resting me eyes. 617 00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,236 They're ordering drinks from the bar. 618 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,710 Oh, right. I'll have a sherry, please. 619 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,155 - Nice and dry. - Okay, love. 620 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:40,878 Everything ship-shape and Bristol fashion? 621 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,520 - Just another regular day. - Very good. 622 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:45,750 Are all the ID cards working? 623 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:48,115 The ID cards have been distributed. 624 00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:51,317 Wonderful. I knew you'd be okay. 625 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:54,119 Amber, I've been speaking to Head Office 626 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:57,351 about the possibility of an assistant manager's position. 627 00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:58,919 How does that sound? 628 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,514 Oh, wow, that sounds great. Thank you. 629 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:03,033 I know you've only just joined us, 630 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:08,194 but I like to think that I have an eye for talent. 631 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,560 Chips and rice, Amber, 632 00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:14,438 chips and rice. 633 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:28,477 There we go, darling. Snug as a bug in a rug. 634 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:33,472 Oh, Pauline, we are worried about you, you know? 635 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,198 Big fuss over nothing. 636 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,795 It's okay to have a cold beer with your lunch 637 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,792 and a glass of wine with your tea, 638 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:46,749 and who doesn't like a bloody Mary with breakfast? 639 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:51,470 But when you're getting through a couple of bottles of mouth wash 640 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:54,233 to get you out of bed in the morning, 641 00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:56,473 you've gone too far. 642 00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,514 But, Mummy, it makes my breath so minty fresh. 643 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:03,034 I know it does, love. 644 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:04,439 And, believe me, 645 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:09,469 I can be an absolute pig with the eggnog at Christmas, 646 00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:15,793 but I just think we need to get you some professional help. 647 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:17,108 Whatever you say. 648 00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:22,433 And try to be nicer to Geoff, for my sake if nothing else. 649 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,637 I know he's not your real brother, 650 00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:27,398 but he cares about you. 651 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:28,708 That's not true. 652 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:33,749 It is, love. He cares about you so much. 653 00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:36,110 No, I mean, 654 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:39,033 regardless of parentage, 655 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:40,792 he'll always be my brother. 656 00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:53,039 Come on, son. 657 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:07,760 I'm sorry, but I don't see how you have cause for complaint. 658 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:09,313 Don't you think you have a responsibility 659 00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:11,834 not to serve so much alcohol to one person 660 00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,753 they can't tell a 7-year-old child from a midget? 661 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:16,273 Madam, this is Benidorm. 662 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,636 If we stopped serving alcohol to everyone who was drunk, 663 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,632 my staff would be sitting twiddling their thumbs all day. 664 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:24,997 You haven't heard the last of this. 665 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:27,674 Of course not, that would be madness. 666 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:29,558 I think we got away with that. 667 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:32,915 Maybe I should cancel my night off. 668 00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:34,189 No! 669 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:38,239 I mean, why would you do that? We've got everything under control here. 670 00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:41,476 Where's Les? I haven't seen him since I got back. 671 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,552 Um, we're a bit short-staffed at the kids club today. 672 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:48,076 He's probably hanging up his Dickie Doughnut costume as we speak. 673 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:52,517 Yes, and probably putting on another equally ridiculous costume after that. 674 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:55,595 You okay? 675 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:57,272 Are you going anywhere nice this evening? 676 00:33:57,360 --> 00:33:59,828 Amber, I'm not stupid, what are you trying to hide? 677 00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:01,478 My darling Joyce... 678 00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:03,790 Oh, my God! When did he get here? 679 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:06,075 There comes a time in every man's life 680 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:09,789 when he has to ask himself what's really important. 681 00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:12,952 And since I met you, I find myself asking, 682 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:16,749 "Do I need a fast car, a fancy apartment? 683 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:20,753 "Do I need the flashy jewellery and the expensive clothes?" 684 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:23,590 And the answer to those questions is... 685 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:26,077 Yes, obviously. 686 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:28,672 But what's the point in having them 687 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:30,796 if I've got nobody to share them with? 688 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:32,313 I mean, naturally, 689 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:36,234 all those things can be enjoyed by a single person. Of course they can. 690 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:37,639 Get on with it. 691 00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:41,272 My point is this, 692 00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:44,033 I've made some wrong choices in my life 693 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:47,908 and I've not always liked the person I've turned out to be. 694 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:50,150 But you, Joyce, 695 00:34:50,240 --> 00:34:54,199 you make me feel brand new. 696 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,994 Looking forward to a nice evening off, Miss Temple Savage? 697 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:28,957 I hope this isn't gonna be one of those dreary nights 698 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,759 full of people whining crappy old love songs to each other. 699 00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,274 Any more of this, I'm gonna have to put me name down for Sweet Caroline. 700 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,316 Oh, not Sweet Caroline! 701 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:38,789 I know, Jacqueline, awful song, but look, 702 00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:40,393 we're at a breaking point. 703 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,914 If someone doesn't give this crowd a chorus they can sing along to, 704 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,036 soon the peasants will be revolting. 705 00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:46,678 I mean, more revolting than they are already. 706 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,230 They're not all revolting. 707 00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:54,830 Oh, yeah. What's the score with you and Captain Birdseye? 708 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:56,717 Oh, just a bit of flirting. 709 00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:58,995 Makes the world go around. 710 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:02,675 Grand total, 138 euros, 50 cents. 711 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,638 Just shows, a little innovation can go a long way. 712 00:36:05,720 --> 00:36:07,711 Oh, for God's sake, calm down, will you. 713 00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:09,870 It was two plastic chairs and an umbrella. 714 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:11,996 It wouldn't exactly get them jizzing on Dragon's Den. 715 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:16,319 - What's this? - Your cut. 716 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:17,799 From the pop-up nail bar. 717 00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:19,279 And, Jacqueline, as our sleeping partner, 718 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:20,952 I've sent a bottle of cava up to your room, 719 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:22,115 I know you like a night cap. 720 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,998 Ooh, why don't we have another one here 721 00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:28,516 and then all go up and drink a toast to Blow and Go? 722 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:33,355 Ah, there's a lovely view of the cross from my balcony. 723 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:35,908 Now that's what I call good business. 724 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:54,639 Hello? 725 00:36:57,200 --> 00:37:01,637 I'm sorry, Crystal, I can hardly hear you. 726 00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:05,190 Yes, there is a terrible noise this end. 727 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,557 I'll call you from the office in 10 minutes. 728 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:20,751 How do you mean, she doesn't know? 729 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:22,956 Every card has her face on it. 730 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,349 Look, the real responsible is here. 731 00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:28,159 Ask him yourself, I mean, ask her yourself. 732 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:29,838 Oh, I'm sorry I was so long. 733 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,474 I kind of misjudged the recovery time. 734 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,869 Lesley, I can't believe you're back on your feet 735 00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:37,349 so quickly after such a major operation. 736 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:40,989 Oh, it's like a conveyor belt up there in Villajoyosa. 737 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:44,914 The doctor was telling me he does about 20 patients a day. 738 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:48,231 And you have to go back for them to do your voice, obviously. 739 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:50,998 Temple Savage hasn't missed me, has she? 740 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:55,073 No, we covered for you, but we've still got to sort these out. 741 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,272 What's wrong? Oh, you didn't mess them up, did you? 742 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:00,510 I told you to do them exactly like that! 743 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:01,589 And he did. 744 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,199 - What? - It's all right, Joyce has tonight off 745 00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:06,872 and she's not in until tomorrow afternoon. 746 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:08,837 There's loads of blank cards left, 747 00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:11,753 we can do them all again tomorrow morning. 748 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,349 Did you keep the receipt for your sex-change, Lesley? 749 00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:16,635 I think they made one boobie bigger than the other. 750 00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:18,358 Sex-change? 751 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:22,069 What are you talking about, man? I've had me eyes lasered. 752 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:23,998 Ya daft bugger. 753 00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:27,955 I knew this operation was for her eyes. 754 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:29,359 I mean, his eyes. 755 00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,317 I am not a complete idiot. 756 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:34,159 Really? Which part's missing? 757 00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:40,550 You made me feel brand new. 758 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:47,793 Forgive me, Joyce. 759 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:49,393 I couldn't help myself. 760 00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:54,471 Monty, I said 8:00 in the text. I still haven't got changed. 761 00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:55,913 Well, I can wait here. 762 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,752 I've got a phone call to make as well, 763 00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,195 I'll be at least 45 minutes. 764 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,633 I've waited so long, what's another 45 minutes? 765 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:09,634 Okay. If you want a drink, use this. 766 00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:13,390 It's also my room key. 767 00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:17,268 Come up in about an hour, we'll have drinks on the balcony before we go out. 768 00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:18,873 Room 1501. 769 00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:22,069 Perfect. 770 00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:27,199 Chips and rice tonight, Monty, 771 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:31,034 definitely chips and rice. 772 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:42,471 Look at them, all staring and sneering. 773 00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:46,790 As if they've never had a member of their family do anything embarrassing. 774 00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:51,396 Well, at least we know she's safely tucked up in bed, 775 00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:54,193 away from those prying eyes. 776 00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:57,360 Oh, it's all my fault. 777 00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:00,916 I knew we should have gone to Center Parcs. 778 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:02,877 You can't blame yourself, Mum. 779 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:04,871 All them meetings, 780 00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,873 all that willpower gone for nothing. 781 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:12,111 Well, she may have strayed from the path, 782 00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:15,192 but I hope she finds her way back again. 783 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:21,750 As Pauline herself has said, many times, 784 00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:27,198 it's a long, lonely journey on the road to Domestos. 785 00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,913 Damascus. 786 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,517 That's right, Crystal, 787 00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:42,513 the new system was rolled out today with no problems. 788 00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:46,478 How many drinks? 789 00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:50,270 Are you sure that's from one person? 790 00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:54,758 Well, yes, they should be immediately blacklisted 791 00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:56,910 from all Solana group hotels. 792 00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:01,673 Could you give me the ID number. I'll track this hooligan down. 793 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:05,639 Although, to be honest, I've got a very good idea who the culprit is. 794 00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,517 Yes. 795 00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:13,996 0-0-3-8-1-1-4-2. 796 00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:15,633 Here we go. 797 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,192 Yes, I've found the culprit. 798 00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:25,838 Yes, you're right, 799 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:28,639 absolute menace to society. 800 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,472 They'll be thrown out on their ear. 801 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:33,639 Okay. 802 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:35,993 Good night. 803 00:41:42,240 --> 00:41:43,832 Right! 804 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:47,552 Let's get one thing straight. 805 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:51,956 My sister is no different to any one of you lot here. 806 00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:54,518 Look at yourselves. 807 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:56,318 Whispering and nudging. 808 00:41:56,400 --> 00:41:58,356 "Yeah, that's the family with the pisshead." 809 00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:02,799 But when you point a finger at someone, 810 00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:05,678 you've got three pointing back at yourself. 811 00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:11,358 Who can sit here and say 812 00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:14,550 that they haven't got a relation who's brought shame 813 00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:16,551 and disappointment on the family? 814 00:42:17,240 --> 00:42:20,391 Who can sit here and say they haven't done the same thing themselves? 815 00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,152 Isn't it about time we looked at our mothers, 816 00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:27,152 our children, 817 00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,032 our brothers 818 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:31,994 and sister, 819 00:42:33,720 --> 00:42:36,473 and started to love them for who they are, 820 00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:39,472 and not worry about what they look like? 821 00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:42,358 Or for how they choose to live their life? 822 00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:46,115 Or how they try and cope with whatever life throws at them? 823 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,874 Because no matter how frustrating 824 00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:52,190 or embarrassing they might be, 825 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,157 we can't give up on them 826 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:56,430 because they are a part of us, 827 00:42:57,760 --> 00:42:58,988 a part of our family. 828 00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,235 Hit it, Darren. 829 00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:48,589 So, all we ask from you is a £5,000-deposit. 830 00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,433 It really is too good a deal to turn down. 831 00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:55,274 Sorry, pal, I don't know about £5,000, I'd be hard pushed to raise £500. 832 00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:57,759 I know the feeling. 833 00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:02,072 A bottle of lager and an orange juice, please. 834 00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:03,275 Where did you get that from? 835 00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:04,475 A woman gave it to me. 836 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:06,073 - When did she give it to you? - Today. 837 00:44:06,160 --> 00:44:08,196 It gets you into the apartment as well. 838 00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:09,395 But you're about 12. 839 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,153 I'm 20, mate, 21 in September. 840 00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:13,679 Or is it October? 841 00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:17,275 And do you intend on going up to the apartment this evening? 842 00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:19,999 Absolutely, I'll be sleeping there tonight. 843 00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:21,308 - What? - Oh, yeah, 844 00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:24,836 they don't call it "all inclusive" for nothing, mate. 845 00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:26,478 Bloody hell. 846 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:27,629 Same again, Jacqueline? 847 00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:30,359 Ah, thanks, Lesley, just one more 848 00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:32,715 then I've got a date upstairs 849 00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:36,190 with a bottle of bubbly and a couple of friends. 850 00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:39,636 Hola. 851 00:44:39,720 --> 00:44:41,950 Sod this for a game of soldiers. 852 00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:46,638 Monty? Monty! I'm sorry, we've got a bit of a crisis. 853 00:44:46,720 --> 00:44:49,075 No, Joyce, I'm sorry. 854 00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:52,596 I refuse to be just another notch on your bed post. 855 00:44:52,680 --> 00:44:54,716 - I beg your pardon? - It's typical. 856 00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:58,110 The one time I put my feelings out there for everyone to see, 857 00:44:58,200 --> 00:44:59,952 I get hurt and humiliated. 858 00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:01,712 What are you talking about? 859 00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:04,473 I thought you were coming up to have drinks on my balcony? 860 00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:08,030 From what I've seen, there might not be any room for me, 861 00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:10,395 I'd get a turnstile fitted if I were you. 862 00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:13,551 Monty! Monty! 863 00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:28,358 Love you, Pauline. 864 00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:30,948 Sleep tight, sister! 865 00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:39,553 Yee-haw!