1 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,833 You all right, mate? 2 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,751 Yeah, yeah. 3 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,956 Just keeping a low profile after last night. 4 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:38,999 Mate, that's upside down. 5 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,149 That doesn't matter. 6 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,674 I just don't want this lot knowing it was me taking my clothes off 7 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,159 during the karaoke last night. 8 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:48,677 Oh, hello, I didn't recognise you with your clothes on! 9 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,639 Oh, man, they all know it was me! 10 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:00,156 Incredible, and I thought your disguise was fool proof. 11 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,470 Mate, I've got an idea. 12 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,472 - Really? - Yeah. 13 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,516 As we ain't getting busy with the ladies here, 14 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,273 why don't we spread our legs a bit further? 15 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,078 - I'm sorry? - Somebody told me 16 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:12,832 that even though it's all inclusive here, 17 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:14,956 you are allowed to leave! 18 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,155 Really? 19 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,832 Oh, well, they kept that one quiet. 20 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,353 I know, they should have a sign. 21 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:25,559 Anyway, I was thinking, we're in Spain, let's get us some Spanish girls! 22 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,791 I like it! A couple of senoritas? 23 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,633 Well, we don't know what their names are yet, obviously, but yeah. 24 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,039 Come on, let's bounce! 25 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,149 No, I'm terribly sorry, 26 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,993 the property auction has been relocated. 27 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,470 You need the Hotel Casanova in the old town. 28 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:45,913 Buses just across the road. 29 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,399 That's it, back out the way you came, 30 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,038 thank you very much, have a wonderful day. 31 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:50,838 Well, thanks a lot! 32 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:52,989 I beg your pardon, Les? 33 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,548 You could have told me the property auction had moved. 34 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,278 I nearly busted a gut this morning 35 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,352 putting all them chairs out in the Hawaiian Function Room. 36 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,670 No, the auction is still here. 37 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:04,475 I don't understand. 38 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,915 I'm afraid that is what's known in the property business 39 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,638 as a white lie. 40 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,438 I noticed they were carrying a brochure 41 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,956 for a certain bijou villa in the Finestrat Hills. 42 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,155 My villa! 43 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,988 I can't believe it, I had a dream the other week 44 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,469 I had a house and this was it. 45 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:21,629 You're gonna buy a hoos? 46 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,431 A horse? No, it doesn't have a horse. 47 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,512 Nah, man. You're buyin' a hoos. To live in! 48 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,799 - Oh, a house! - That's what I'm saying. 49 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,553 You really must try harder with the language, Les. 50 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,791 At least with the Spanish staff. I've got a phrase book. 51 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:37,869 Somewhere. 52 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,320 Excuse me, can you help me? 53 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,389 Yes? 54 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,438 There doesn't seem to be any free sun beds. 55 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,194 You are just one person? 56 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,159 Well, I've got a twin sister in Widnes, if that's what you mean. 57 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,151 How many sun beds do you want? 58 00:02:55,400 --> 00:03:00,030 Well, three would be nice, I have both my children with me. 59 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:04,796 Although they'll probably be in and out of the pool all day. 60 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,950 You know what kids are like. 61 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,118 You can't tell people you're a vegetarian if you eat fish! 62 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:13,074 I can tell them I'm an astronaut if the mood takes me. 63 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,752 You're a pescatarian. 64 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,353 I haven't had a drink in 18 months. 65 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,872 Pescatarian means you eat fish and vegetables. 66 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,157 You can't tell people you're a vegetarian when you eat fish! 67 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,437 It's strange you keep saying that as if I'm actually listening. 68 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:30,115 Hey, hey, you are making too much noise! 69 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,309 She started it. 70 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,955 - No, you started it. - No, you started it. 71 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,314 No, you started it. 72 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:39,598 Hey! This is not a kindergarten for the people of the middle ages. 73 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:40,989 Middle Ages? 74 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,071 I think he means middle-aged. 75 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:44,388 - How dare you? - Middle aged? 76 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,789 - I'm nowhere near middle-aged. - Enough! 77 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,348 Do not fight like children. You are old. 78 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,600 I am keeping my eyes peeled on you. 79 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,559 Honestly, 80 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,313 I can't take you two anywhere. 81 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,594 Oh, my God! 82 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,399 - I've been burgled. - Eh? 83 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,833 - What's wrong? - The salon. 84 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,036 They've taken everything. I feel violated! 85 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,395 - Ooh! - You've not been burgled. 86 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,993 I have! Go and look for yourself! 87 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,149 I got rid of it all. 88 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,231 They've taken the mirrors, the chairs, they've... 89 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:36,275 You what? 90 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,832 We're re-branding. 91 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,876 You've got rid of all my salon furniture? 92 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,797 Don't worry, we've got new stuff coming this afternoon. 93 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,031 This afternoon? Are you taking the piss? You're in Spain! 94 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,872 It takes a fortnight for someone to answer the phone! 95 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,715 Re-branding, that's exciting! 96 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,598 Well, it would be if I'd been consulted. 97 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,557 I'm giving the salon a new lease of life. 98 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,235 Blow and Go does not need a new lease of life. 99 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,158 That's another thing, we need a new name. 100 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,913 What? Never! 101 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,794 You can change my mirrors, but you'll never change my name. 102 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,598 I like Blow and Go, 103 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,352 it's what we used to call the meet-and-greet 104 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,795 at The Middlesbrough Swingers Association. 105 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,713 I'm paying the rent now, Kenneth, I think I should have a say in it. 106 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,119 Oh, here we go! 107 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,760 That's what all this boils down to, the dirty dollar! 108 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,593 Or, as an alternative, you pay the rent, 109 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,713 the electricity, the water, the rates, the wholesalers bill 110 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:24,429 and we'll stick with Blow and Go. 111 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,353 I'm not happy about this! 112 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:31,828 Could have fooled me. 113 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,916 I've just got one thing to say. 114 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,634 We're still here. 115 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,628 Without wanting to sound too dramatic... 116 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,551 I don't want to die on me own. 117 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,315 Right, was there anything else? 118 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,310 What I mean is, I don't think I've got long left 119 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,354 and I really would like to spend me final days 120 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,830 surrounded by love and appreciation. 121 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,356 - Where are you planning on going? - Sheron! 122 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,476 Oh, well, it's the same thing over and over again! 123 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,237 - What's that? - I tried to get separate insurance 124 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,548 for this holiday. 125 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,471 I didn't want to be a burden to you. 126 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,235 Well, they asked me for a note from me doctor 127 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,997 and that's what he gave me. 128 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:31,837 You need to be spending your money on getting drunk and straw donkeys, 129 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,308 not flying a body bag back to the UK. 130 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:41,593 Is this real? 131 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,149 I'm afraid so. 132 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:47,873 "To whom it may concern, 133 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,272 "As Mr Edward Dawson's GP, 134 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,874 "I have no hesitation in recommending the above named 135 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,837 "is not only unsuitable to fly 136 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,956 "but with a heart condition such as his, 137 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,678 "any strenuous activity 138 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,874 "or unnecessary stress may result in irreparable damage 139 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,439 "or worse." 140 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,510 I'll go and get us some drinks. 141 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,195 I'll go. 142 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,432 God help you if this is isn't true. 143 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,393 Good day to you, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Evelyn Pyke. 144 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,038 I'll be your auctioneer today. 145 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,878 We have a fair amount of lots to get through, 146 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,679 so let's start with this little gem. 147 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,918 A very agreeable modern villa in the Polop valley. 148 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,638 Who'll start me at 100? 149 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,711 100, thank you, do I hear 110? 150 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,675 You got your eye on anything special? 151 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:54,356 Well, I must say the auctioneer has a certain dignified air about him. 152 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,353 I meant the auction. 153 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,799 Oh, I do beg your pardon, 154 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,279 I'm sorry, I thought you meant... 155 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:02,953 No. Well, yes, 156 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,034 but I'd rather not discuss it if it's all the same to you. 157 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,754 I understand. 158 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,434 You keep your cards close to your chest, yes? 159 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:11,955 Exactly. 160 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,190 Mmm, lucky cards! 161 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,113 That's what I say! 162 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,308 Any more anywhere? 163 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,154 170. 164 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:22,954 Madam, against you. 165 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:26,878 People call me Mr Wu. 166 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,080 Yes, I can see why, quite the charmer. 167 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:31,752 No! Not woo, double-o. 168 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,593 Wu with a u. 169 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:37,514 You know, after Mr Wu Chinese Buffet, near the beach. 170 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,355 Oh! You're Mr Wu? 171 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,637 - Exactly. - Oh, I see, oh, right. 172 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:45,638 Nice to meet you, Mr Wu. 173 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:49,196 I'm Joyce Temple Savage, manageress of the Solana. 174 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,157 Pleased to meet you, Joyce. 175 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,549 Tell me, are you a virgin? 176 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,559 You're joking. I've been around the block 177 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,039 more times than a lost jogger. 178 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,034 Auction virgin. It look like your first time. 179 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,435 Oh, yes, it is. 180 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,399 I haven't got a clue what's going on. 181 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,996 This is the property you're interested in? 182 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,119 Oh, yes, it's just a small finca near the Finestrat Hills. 183 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:14,318 It doesn't look much, but I feel it's got huge potential. 184 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,153 - What do you think? - Wow. 185 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,630 Guide price of 80,000 to 100,000. 186 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,791 That is cheap as Chinese chips! 187 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,117 Well, I have quite a limited budget. 188 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,108 Do you think it'll go higher than 100,000? 189 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,428 In a word, no. 190 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:28,794 Oh, wonderful. 191 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:33,590 Unless somebody else want it as well. Then, in another word, yes. 192 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,754 Thank you, madam, any more? 193 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,193 - 140... - Well, it's nice to know 194 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,713 I'm sitting with an expert. 195 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,075 140. 196 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,879 Here you go, this is it. 197 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,029 It looks a bit rough. 198 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,276 Ah, I came here a couple of years ago with a mate. 199 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,078 The Spanish girls in there are fit! 200 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,231 Well, I suppose we ain't got much competition, 201 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,197 - Look at the blokes. - Exactly! 202 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,953 - Come on, amigo! - Oh, can I choose my own name? 203 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,474 - Eh? - It's just I don't really like 204 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,993 the name, Migo. 205 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,992 Can I be called Dogtanian? From Dogtanian and the Muskehounds? 206 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,354 Mate, what are you talking about? 207 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,919 I thought we had to have Spanish names? 208 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,508 No. Come on. 209 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,153 Can I still be called Dogtanian? 210 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:14,715 No! 211 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,598 Oggy oggy oggy, oi oi oi! 212 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,199 Considering we are in Spain, 213 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,829 does it not bother you that there is nothing remotely Spanish 214 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,273 about this holiday? 215 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,749 Well, we've got the Spanish sun. 216 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,271 That's the same sun we get in the UK. 217 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,398 No, it's not, it's hotter. 218 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,432 But the sun is not Spanish. 219 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,795 Well, why do they call it the Spanish sun? 220 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,589 Because it's in Spain. 221 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,230 Well, there you are, it must be Spanish then. 222 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,796 But your shoes are in Spain, it doesn't make them Spanish. 223 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,596 - Yes, it does. - No, it doesn't. 224 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,638 Your shoes are not Spanish by virtue of them being in Spain. 225 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,073 I know they're not, 226 00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:01,350 they're Spanish because I bought them in the indoor market last year. 227 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,392 - One-nil! - I don't believe it. 228 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:11,432 It's true, I nipped out for half an hour while you got rubella. 229 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,109 I've been sacked! 230 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,838 How can you be sacked? You don't have a job. 231 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,233 Email from Barry Stent. 232 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,593 Who's Barry Stent? 233 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,952 Well, if you shut up I'll to tell you about it! 234 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,595 There's no need to bite me head off. 235 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,839 How can anyone sack you from a job you don't have? 236 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,152 Well, if you all just listen to me, you'll find out! 237 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,834 Was it these shoes I got here? 238 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,669 Or am I thinking of those jelly sandals? 239 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,154 Mother! 240 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,115 "Dear Mr Maltby, 241 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,710 "We have finally amassed adequate information 242 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,155 "regarding the alleged predetermined results 243 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,357 "of last month's inter-county pub quiz final. 244 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,229 "It is our duty to inform you that forensic evidence 245 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,392 "has led to only one possible transgressor, you. 246 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,429 "From this day henceforth, you are relieved of all your official duties 247 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,712 "and stripped of your 'Oracle' status. 248 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,838 "Please find our full and in-depth investigation attached. 249 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,118 "Be aware, there is no recourse 250 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,951 "and this decision is final and binding." 251 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:24,469 It was these shoes I got here, because I got a bag to match. 252 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,274 Will you shut up about your bloody shoes? 253 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:28,999 I've been accused of match rigging! 254 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:32,352 There's a trip to a bull fight, but it says here on TripAdvisor 255 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,590 it's just a front to try and sell juice extractors. 256 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,309 What is the point of talking to either of you? 257 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,632 I once went on a free trip from here 258 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:48,473 where they showed you how to fold a Spanish blanket. 259 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,996 - That all right? - Ah. That's smashing. Thanks, son. 260 00:12:58,440 --> 00:12:59,873 Would you prefer a pillow? 261 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,473 Try it over his face. 262 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:02,993 - Huh? - Nothing, love. 263 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:04,274 It's grand. 264 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:05,908 Thanks, son. 265 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,992 Why would Grandad want the pillow over his... 266 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,877 Jodie! Do you want to play on me phone? 267 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,792 - Can I? - Yeah, here you are. 268 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,033 And next, ladies and gentlemen, we have lot 14. 269 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:22,033 A delightful finca in the Finestrat area with enormous potential. 270 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:23,872 Shall we open the bidding at 80,000? 271 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,117 Hey! What you think you doing? 272 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,836 Well, if I don't bid, I can't get it. 273 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,828 Wait. Price not quite right... 274 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,317 Come, come, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to sell. 275 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,639 Okay, somebody start me at 70,000. 276 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:40,713 Price not quite right. 277 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,354 60,000? 278 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,872 Price not quite right. 279 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,679 Okay, you're a tough crowd, but I like you, 280 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,832 so let's get the ball rolling at 50,000 Euros. 281 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,475 - 50,000, here! - 50,000, thank you, sir. 282 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:54,788 Do I hear 55? 283 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,359 What on Earth are you doing? 284 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:58,078 - Price is right! - 55,000 anywhere? 285 00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,479 You don't want to buy this! 286 00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,869 If there is a profit, Mr Wu interested. 287 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,709 Going once at 50,000, this is no money at all. 288 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,836 - 70,000! - 70,000! 289 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,388 That's the spirit, madam! Do I hear 75? 290 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,838 What you doing? We supposed to go up in fives. 291 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,354 This is my dream house, you're not having it. 292 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,671 Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Joyce, 293 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,557 and leave this to the professionals. 294 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:21,993 80,000! 295 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,196 Okay, now you bidding against yourself. 296 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,796 The bid is already with you, madam, at 70,000. 297 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,438 Do I hear 80? 298 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,033 - 80,000! - 90! 299 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,350 100,000! 300 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,592 Okay, price too high now. 301 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,673 100,000 euros, do I hear 110? 302 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,191 I've only got a mortgage for 100,000! 303 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,033 Fair warning. I'm selling at 100,000 304 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,317 to the lady on the gold mobility scooter. 305 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,676 Going once, going twice, and... 306 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:55,829 Sold! 307 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,154 Number, please? 308 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:58,555 Thank you, madam. 309 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,110 And moving on to lot 15, 310 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,318 the restaurant in Finestrat is withdrawn. 311 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,034 - So we go onto lot 16. - Withdrawn? 312 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,634 You got to be joking! That's what I came to bid on! 313 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,593 Good, I'm glad! 314 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,319 And I for one will never touch your pork balls again. 315 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,998 I hope you're happy! 316 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:20,559 Delighted. 317 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,475 Mate, do you know your Wi-Fi is down again? 318 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,036 You hum it and I'll play it, son! 319 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:30,918 - What? - It's a joke. 320 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,590 Yeah, it is a joke, the brochure says there's Wi-Fi in all public areas. 321 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,560 - No, what I mean is... - You need Wi-Fi, mate? 322 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,479 - Yeah. - Do you mind? 323 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,239 Be my guest. 324 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,470 I try and steer clear of computers, meself. 325 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,638 - Very wise. - Yeah, 326 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,230 I did a bit of Internet dating a few year ago 327 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:54,155 but, well, let's just say it didn't work out. 328 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,395 Yes, pet? 329 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,438 There you go, most of these surrounding hotel's Wi-Fi 330 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,636 - are pretty easy to crack, so... - Oh, nice one. 331 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:04,994 No worries. 332 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,958 Listen, you've got a bit of a time delay on your keyboard. 333 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:09,399 Yeah, it's been doing that for months. 334 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,114 I think it's just a bit old. 335 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:12,668 No, mate, I don't think so. 336 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,957 I reckon you've downloaded some pretty nasty malware 337 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,473 somewhere along the line. 338 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,118 You got to be joking! I knew it! 339 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,789 You get most of them off those so called free porn sites. 340 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,594 Erm... 341 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:28,231 No, no, it won't be that, this is strictly a work laptop. 342 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,759 - Want me to have a look? - Erm... 343 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,558 No, I think it'll be all right. 344 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,070 Well, if you can afford a new laptop. 345 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,634 What? 346 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:39,914 It'll only get worse. 347 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,589 Really? 348 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:44,673 Would you mind having a look? 349 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,836 Not at all, it'll give me something to do. 350 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,878 There's only so much swimming and sunbathing you can do in a day. 351 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:55,032 Listen, I'm not the only person to use this laptop, so... 352 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,596 You know, it's not all my stuff on it... 353 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,953 Don't worry, mate, I clean me grandad's hard disc from time to time, 354 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,190 and I do that with rubber gloves and a surgical mask. 355 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,196 - Do you? - No, it's a joke. 356 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,235 I'll give you a shout when I'm done. 357 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,113 Yeah, cheers. 358 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:13,913 Large vodka and coke, please. 359 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,357 - Very large. - Nee bother. 360 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,519 Well, I think it's exciting. A fresh start. 361 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,992 What was wrong with the old mirrors? These are terrible, they're all wonky. 362 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,788 Look at this one, I look enormous in it. 363 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:34,992 Maybe because they're a bit smaller you just fill it out a bit more. 364 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,318 He's a control freak, that's what he is. 365 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,876 No, I just don't see this working. I much prefer being me own boss. 366 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:45,438 But now you have to pay rent on the salon and all the bills. 367 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,432 If you go it alone without Troy's backing, 368 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:53,351 I'm not being funny, you might actually have to do some work. 369 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,517 Oh, damn you and your logic. 370 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,830 - Where are the workmen? - They went for their siesta. 371 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,319 Welcome to Spain. 372 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,353 We'll soon see about that, the amount I'm paying them. 373 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,033 Have you been shopping? 374 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,276 - New uniforms. - What? 375 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:12,719 Black trousers and black silk shirt. Very chic. 376 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,553 Black trousers and black shirt? 377 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,518 I'm a hair dresser, not a frigging mime act. 378 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,950 We've got to bring the salon into the 21 st century. 379 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,913 Talking of which, how about "Hair by Troy"? 380 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,515 - For the new name? - Right, I'm off! 381 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,358 - Hang on, I've not finished! - Well, I am! 382 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,039 I'm finished with your shite mirrors, 383 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,236 and your rubbish name and your crappy uniforms. 384 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,359 Good luck with your business venture because, without me, you'll need it! 385 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,157 Oh, mate, you gotta go through there. 386 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:50,798 What? Are the loos really nice? 387 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,351 No, I mean the girls. They are a different breed out here. 388 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,875 Really? 389 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,309 I thought you were getting the drinks in? 390 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,874 I tried to order, but it didn't go very well. 391 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,118 - What do you mean? - This is the one! 392 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,191 He call me a dog, then asked for a threesome. 393 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,916 - What? - I didn't! I didn't! 394 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,319 I asked for... 395 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,029 Hang on a minute. 396 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:15,873 Oh, my God! 397 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:17,719 I'll start again. 398 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,872 Bonjour, gee mapelle Joey. 399 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,957 Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we're going. 400 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:30,915 Detenerlos! 401 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:45,755 Back inside! 402 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:48,076 You are just in time for happy hour. 403 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,470 - He doesn't look very happy to me. - Shut up! 404 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,950 It's so lovely to see you, Mrs Harvey. We thought we'd seen the last of you. 405 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:03,677 Oh, no, Benidorm's difficult to get out of your system. 406 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,911 It's very much the whooping cough of the travel world. 407 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,958 Nicely put. 408 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,552 Very strong tea. 409 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,198 Did you remember the brandy? 410 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,032 That's what I meant by "Very strong." 411 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,589 Good lass. 412 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,159 This is Mrs Harvey, Amber. 413 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:19,759 One of our old regulars. 414 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,588 Eh, eh, eh, not so much of the "old." 415 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:26,196 Mrs Harvey and her family moved to America last year. 416 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:27,953 Yeah, Las Vegas. 417 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,476 Oh, that's sounds exciting, I've always wanted to go to Vegas. 418 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,310 We've got some business interests out there. A hotel, actually. 419 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,469 Oh, right. 420 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:37,754 How are things there, Mrs Harvey? 421 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,229 Oh, it's all very complicated, Les. 422 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,596 It's taken almost a year to sort out the business side of things. 423 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,036 So you all thought you'd come to Benidorm for a break? 424 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,680 Oh, no, I'm here on me own. 425 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,197 They think I'm in the UK, they don't know I've popped over here 426 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,797 to buy my grandson a holiday home for his birthday. 427 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,950 He absolutely loves it here. 428 00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,040 And then that one sitting down got the winning bid. 429 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:03,676 That is Mrs Harvey, do you not remember? 430 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,955 Last year with the crazy little oompie-lumpie person in the white hat? 431 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,719 He told her she was a squillionaire. 432 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,475 Only two types of people come to Benidorm, 433 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,713 those who never come again and those who never want to leave. 434 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:20,759 Erm, excuse me, I hope I'm not interrupting. 435 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,319 No, you're not, piss off. 436 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,794 Well, if there's anything you need while you're here, Mrs H, 437 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,233 you just let us know. 438 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,675 And give us a shout if you want that tea a bit stronger. 439 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,359 Thanks, love. 440 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,475 I am Mr Wu from Mr Wu Chinese Buffet. 441 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,718 I couldn't give a frig if you put the Fanny in Fanny Cradock. 442 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,315 You know, there is an old Chinese saying. 443 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:49,278 "The sleeping cat should not ignore the rat pulling at its tail." 444 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,997 What you put in your fried rice is your own affair. 445 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,199 I will buy the finca you just bought in the auction 446 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:59,239 for 5,000 more than you paid for it. 447 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,469 It's not for sale. 448 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,073 10,000 more. 449 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:05,634 Are you still here? 450 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,275 15,000 more! 451 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,429 If you don't fuck off, 452 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,988 I'll shove this electric cig so far up your arse 453 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,594 you'll light up like a Chinese lantern. 454 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,117 The restaurant he was bidding on was in the next lot, 455 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:22,474 but it was withdrawn. 456 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,030 No wonder he's interested in Mrs Harvey's property, 457 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,634 he's probably already spent a fortune on a licence. 458 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,189 What licence? 459 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,988 - To open a restaurant. - Yes, this is correct. 460 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,874 One time, I look into this restaurant licence. 461 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,439 Madre mia! So much money! 462 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,275 And when you buy, is only for one Pacific area. 463 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:43,354 Is it now? 464 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,914 Any chance of anybody doing some work today? 465 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:12,590 I don't see how they can stop other people calling you The Oracle. 466 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,192 I mean, apart from Geoff, that's your name. 467 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,553 If I were you, I'd be more worried about the other names people call you. 468 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,549 Oh, yeah? And what about the names they call you? 469 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,150 All right, let's have no squabbling. 470 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:29,553 I knew it was a bad idea you being on spirits during the day. 471 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,514 - And what about her? - I haven't had a drink for 18 months. 472 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,033 And God, don't we know about it! 473 00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:35,473 It's the money I've saved from not drinking 474 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:37,391 the last year and a half that's paid for this holiday. 475 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,191 And what did you do with the other four million quid? 476 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,910 I thought you went to get your twin-top? 477 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,471 - Me laptop? - That's it. 478 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,071 That lad over there is having a look at it for me. 479 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,352 That young boy? 480 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,716 He's still wet behind the ears. 481 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:55,720 He won't be after trawling through his Internet history. 482 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,309 You know what? 483 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:02,268 I can't believe I'm saying this, 484 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,399 but you were actually a nicer person when you were still drinking. 485 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,478 Oh! 486 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,074 Don't listen to him, Pauline. 487 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:27,352 Can you honestly say you miss that thick-headed, 488 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:32,993 dizzy feeling of staggering around laughing and not giving a damn? 489 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,510 No, I thought not. 490 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,195 Son, I've been thinking... 491 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:15,751 - Yeah? - When we get home, 492 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,471 I'm going to look at sheltered accommodation. 493 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:20,949 What do you mean? 494 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,473 I'm not a well man. 495 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:26,315 I don't want you having the burden of being saddled with me if... 496 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,274 If what? 497 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,271 Well, if something happens to me. 498 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,031 But that's why you're moving in, in't it, Sheron? 499 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:34,909 So we can keep an eye on you. 500 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,229 Yeah. 501 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,835 Yeah, that's why you're moving in. So we can keep an eye on you. 502 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:43,754 You can have my room, Grandad. 503 00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:45,713 I'll sleep in Jodie's play room. 504 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:47,912 Really, son? 505 00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:49,394 Yeah, no problem. 506 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,239 That's settled. 507 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,234 It would seem so. 508 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,755 Sheron, I don't know how else to apologise 509 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,434 for making our Jodie scared of water. 510 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:03,588 She's fine now, in't she? 511 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,399 Yeah, she's fine. 512 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,949 Mate, we don't want any trouble, we just want to go. 513 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,032 How many times do you want me to apologise? 514 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,839 Do you know how many times I catch 515 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,071 British pigs staring at Catalina's breasts? 516 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,472 It must be loads, they are huge. 517 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:29,959 What Joey means is you're a very lucky man. 518 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,076 Catalina is my sister. 519 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:36,475 It obviously runs in the family. 520 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,671 Sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood. 521 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,109 Welcome to Spanish happy hour. 522 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,191 Each shot of whisky is 10 euros. 523 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,399 First man to fall pays for all of the drinks. 524 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,597 Ten euros a shot? That is, like, well expensive. 525 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,353 - I'm amazed you're so busy. - Shut up, Joey. 526 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:02,710 Okay, but I'm going to have to do it, my mate doesn't drink. 527 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:04,393 He does now. 528 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:06,912 But if Joey has no money, 529 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,996 I'm sure I can find other ways to make him pay. 530 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,557 Oh, don't. Geez, I'm ticklish. 531 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:25,791 Mate, be careful, I think he likes you. 532 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,632 I like him, too, he's funny. 533 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,880 No, when I say he likes you, I kind of mean... 534 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,278 How can I put it without getting too romantic? 535 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:35,394 He'd quite like to bum you? 536 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:38,040 Mate, don't be ridiculous. 537 00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,078 He's a big hairy biker dressed in black leather. 538 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:42,788 What's gay about that? 539 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,839 This is Roberto. 540 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,073 He drinks all day and he drinks all night. 541 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,116 He's known as El Barril Sin Fondo. 542 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,357 You say, "The barrel without a bottom." 543 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,394 I think you're gonna be the one who wished he didn't have a bottom. 544 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:35,877 You've got five minutes, Wu. Time is money. 545 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,589 Mrs Harvey, I didn't know if you would come. 546 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:40,758 I assume you're upping your offer? 547 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,869 Please, let us relax, have Chinese tea. 548 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:47,469 We have a proverb in my country which say, 549 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,111 "The monkey who eat the banana without peeling the skin 550 00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,791 "is like the man who walk through his neighbour's melon patch 551 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,110 "without stopping to tie his shoelace." 552 00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:00,433 Did you used to write the clues for 3-2-1? 553 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:04,038 - What? - It must be the Chinese year of the bull 554 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,873 coz I've never heard so much shit in me entire life. 555 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:11,269 Look, let's get down to business. I'm not here on holiday. 556 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:13,437 Oh, you live in Benidorm? 557 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,876 If you must know, I've been based in Las Vegas 558 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,919 for the last year, where I have interests in several hotels. 559 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:25,593 Oh, you like Donald Trump without the comb over? 560 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:30,879 My business partners and I are now looking to expand in Europe. 561 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,436 You want to be a Spanish Trump? 562 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,190 We got Chinese cabbage on the menu. 563 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:38,953 We get a lot of those in here. 564 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:42,316 Spanish Trump! 565 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,269 Are you going to up your offer on my finca 566 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:50,279 or just sit there giggling like a 12-year-old? 567 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,072 Okay, yes, I have new offer for you. 568 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,870 I finca you're gonna like this. 569 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:05,395 Right, piss off. 570 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:08,998 - You had your chance. - Ah, wait, wait, wait. 571 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:17,959 Okay, last offer of Mr Wu was 115,000 euro. 572 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:20,429 I'm listening. 573 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:25,359 New offer, 116,000. 574 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:28,918 I'm obviously wasting me time here. 575 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:30,115 Wait, wait. 576 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,151 118... 577 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:36,432 120,000. 578 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:40,152 121,000. 579 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,515 122,000. 580 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,875 Okay, lady, I not being funny, but why are you being a complete bitch? 581 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:54,397 Why do you want to pay 122,000 Euros for a shit tip of a house 582 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:56,072 that's worth no more than 80? 583 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:01,549 125,000 euro. 584 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:07,632 Wait! Wait! 585 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:09,756 I've got an extension on my mortgage! 586 00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:11,839 What the bloody hell do you want? 587 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:16,753 Mrs Harvey, I can pay you 150,000! 588 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:18,034 I am begging you! 589 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,199 Mrs Harvey, I want that house! 590 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:23,956 150,000? 591 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:25,234 Yes! 592 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:26,709 Wait! 593 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:33,472 160,000 euro. 594 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:35,479 Final offer. 595 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:36,959 What? No! 596 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:40,397 I've only got 150,000! Mrs Harvey, Please! 597 00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:47,630 Sold to the highest bidder. 598 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:49,073 No! 599 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,510 Sorry, love, business is business. 600 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,514 Roberto! Roberto! 601 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:09,029 Roberto! Roberto! 602 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,188 Come on, Joey, you can do it! 603 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:22,032 Here he goes! Get ready to pay your bill, little boys! 604 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:25,753 Yes! Come on! 605 00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:31,715 Catalina! 606 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,118 Otra botella! 607 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,877 Mate, we gotta get you out of here before you die of alcoholic poisoning. 608 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,633 - Come here. - What? 609 00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:44,109 Come here. 610 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:46,035 I'm faking it. 611 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,032 - What? - I'm faking it, bruv, 612 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:49,394 I'm stone-cold sober. 613 00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:52,037 Bruv, how the frickin' hell have you done that? 614 00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:54,315 I've never seen you drink once in all the time I've known you. 615 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,073 Exactly, I don't drink because it doesn't affect me. 616 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:58,354 What? 617 00:32:58,440 --> 00:32:59,589 Straight up! 618 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:02,148 Oh, my days! You are gold! 619 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:08,511 Now we get serious. Doubles! 620 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:13,877 Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute, why don't we get really serious? 621 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:16,829 Not doubles, not triples, but... 622 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:19,959 What comes after triples? 623 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:21,837 Mate, you're asking the wrong person. 624 00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:25,070 Quadrangles! Yeah! 625 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:29,993 Hee hee, hah! 626 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:35,352 Yes, come on! 627 00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:39,189 Roberto. 628 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:51,719 Woo-hoo! 629 00:34:53,720 --> 00:34:54,994 - Oh, yeah! - Yeah! 630 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:57,315 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah! 631 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:00,393 Apaga la musica! 632 00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:03,275 They have been cheating! He's not drunk at all. 633 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:06,796 No, no, we didn't cheat, he's just really good at drinking, honest! 634 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:10,032 Now you have to pay for the drinks for everyone for the rest of the night. 635 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:11,838 And you, you, my little friend. 636 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:16,353 Come to the basement to show me some of those pretty dance moves. 637 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,119 Oh, my God! 638 00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:20,077 - What's going on, bruv? - It's happening! 639 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:22,672 - It's happening! - What's happening? 640 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,591 I thought you said alcohol doesn't affect you. 641 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:27,473 I don't get drunk, but it affects me in other ways. 642 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:29,068 What other ways? 643 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:32,630 It gives me really, really bad... 644 00:35:32,720 --> 00:35:33,994 Really bad what? 645 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:48,435 Oh, my days. 646 00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:52,198 Mate, that is really bad. 647 00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:54,269 Argh! 648 00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:56,433 I can hardly breathe. 649 00:35:57,920 --> 00:35:59,797 Argh! Argh. 650 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:05,595 Oh, my nose is on fire! 651 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:08,718 Come on, mate, let's run for it! 652 00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:21,354 Here you are, Dad. 653 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:23,393 I want you to take two of these. 654 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,191 - What are they? - Sleeping tablets. 655 00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:28,476 Oh, aye. Knock the old man out 656 00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:30,551 while you head off into town, is that it? 657 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,433 What? Into Benidorm? 658 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:35,354 Why would we do that when the drinks are all paid for here? 659 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:36,668 Come on, come on. 660 00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,274 - Oh, no. - Come on! 661 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:41,598 I'm wasting valuable supping time here. 662 00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:44,639 Right. 663 00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:48,998 Right, any problems, give us two rings. 664 00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:50,599 I mean, I won't actually answer the phone 665 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,592 because, well, you know, it costs money, but I'll be straight up them stairs. 666 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:56,070 Well, not the stairs, the lift, but you know what I mean. 667 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:06,153 Oh, bless. 668 00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:27,516 The auction house has been informed. 669 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:32,191 New papers will be available in your name tomorrow morning. 670 00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:34,232 I can assure, Mrs Harvey, 671 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:37,791 if we ever do business together again, watch out. 672 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:41,518 Next time, Mr Wu gonna win. 673 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:43,274 Bring it on. 674 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:47,395 It's true what they say. When you've finished one Chinese, 675 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,997 it's never too long before you're hungry for another. 676 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,634 If anybody asks, you haven't seen me. 677 00:38:07,720 --> 00:38:09,995 - Who said that? - Very funny. 678 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:18,636 Hey, mate, are you sure you're safe? 679 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:20,513 Yeah, man. 680 00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,478 But I can't keep going outside every time I've got to drop the F-bomb, 681 00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:25,108 I'm gonna be cream-crackered. 682 00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:27,238 I can't believe you're still blowing off. 683 00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:29,159 How long does it usually last? 684 00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:30,355 I don't know. 685 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:33,716 Last time I had alcohol was on my sister's 18th birthday. 686 00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:37,556 About 20 of us packed into one of those little karaoke booths. 687 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:39,712 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 688 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,314 I just felt sorry for the waitress that found us all. 689 00:38:43,240 --> 00:38:44,468 Lying there. 690 00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:53,038 I feel terrible, I told me Dad we'd be in Neptune's. 691 00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:56,198 And if he needs anything, Rob's got your mobile, stop worrying. 692 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,430 - What if he can't get through? - I've got my phone. 693 00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:00,795 Billy, for God's sake, your father's coming to live with us, 694 00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:03,189 can we just enjoy the time we've got? 695 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:10,311 Are you still following us? 696 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:14,754 Two, three, four, five, six, up the ladder. 697 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:17,674 And lucky five to win. 698 00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:21,998 Oh, do you mind? Other people have to touch that. 699 00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:24,472 Not any more they don't. 700 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,754 One, two, three, four, five, championes! 701 00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:30,592 Championes! 702 00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:32,272 The crowd went wild! 703 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,430 Muchas gracias. 704 00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:37,478 Muchas gracias! 705 00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:40,876 Well, that's me. I'm done in. 706 00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:42,678 Same time tomorrow night? 707 00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:44,155 I'm afraid not, Mother. 708 00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:46,317 Another four-hour Snakes and Ladders session 709 00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,868 and I fear I may explode with excitement. 710 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:51,157 Yeah, and I'll get me laptop back tomorrow. 711 00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:54,473 So as thrilling as it was to hammer you both into the ground, 712 00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:56,232 it was a one-night stand, ladies. 713 00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:59,873 Right, let's get this lot cleared up. 714 00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:01,279 No, it's all right, I'll do it. 715 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:03,752 I need to give a good mop as well. 716 00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:06,713 There's more filth in here than in Geoff's hard drive. 717 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:08,234 Ha-ha. 718 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:11,835 Right, well nighty-nighty. 719 00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:13,718 Pyjama, pyjama. 720 00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:15,399 Buenas noches. 721 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:17,034 Night. 722 00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,074 Oh, don't worry, he'll show up sooner or later 723 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:23,037 full of regret about what he said. 724 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:25,555 I think you were right with sooner. 725 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:29,794 Oh, and he looks full of something, but it's not regrets. 726 00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:32,559 Right, I just want to say 727 00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:35,634 that I do not give a Chinese shite 728 00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:38,513 that neither of you two have been answering your texts. 729 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,353 I mean, my texts. 730 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:44,078 Coz I am going to... 731 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,633 I'm going... Oh, yeah! Madrid! 732 00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:49,478 Yes! I'm going to Madrid! 733 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:50,915 To work with Liam. 734 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:52,669 A real friend. 735 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:55,309 A true friend. He's my friend! 736 00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:57,516 Just as soon as he answers my texts 737 00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:00,269 to say that it's all right, I am going. 738 00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:03,837 - I didn't get a text off you. - Neither did I. 739 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:05,349 Lies! 740 00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:07,119 Kenneth, sit down. 741 00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:08,915 Look. 742 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,275 Every one of my texts... 743 00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:14,468 None of them have sent. 744 00:42:18,240 --> 00:42:19,514 I must have run out of credit. 745 00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:25,316 Kenneth, Troy's got something to say. 746 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:26,909 Kenneth, I was wrong. 747 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:30,675 Oh, don't you try to wriggle out of it, coz I know what you're trying to do. 748 00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:32,429 And it won't work. 749 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:36,475 I would rather be on the street, prostitute. 750 00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:38,792 I think you mean, "Destitute"? 751 00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:40,199 I know what I mean! 752 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:44,515 - What did you say? - I said, "Destitute." 753 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:45,635 No, before that. 754 00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:48,269 Oh. 755 00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,194 Well, I said I was wrong. 756 00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:53,318 Kenneth, I'm sorry. 757 00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:57,871 I tried to wade in with me cheque book and take over the salon. 758 00:42:57,960 --> 00:42:59,757 Your salon, Blow and Go. 759 00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:03,949 And that was wrong of me. 760 00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:07,551 Your style and character is amazing 761 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:10,189 and it's something I wouldn't want to change. 762 00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:14,796 And I think our friendship is amazing 763 00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:17,394 and it's something I wouldn't want to lose. 764 00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:24,188 So let's just start afresh tomorrow. New beginning, what do you say? 765 00:43:29,720 --> 00:43:31,438 - Same again? - Same again. 766 00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:40,432 So, I believe congratulations are in order? 767 00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:43,159 They certainly are. 768 00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:50,678 Between us, we managed to get Mr Wu up to 160,000. 769 00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:55,238 By my calculations, that makes your cut 15,000 cash. 770 00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:57,032 Tomorrow morning do you? 771 00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:59,270 Oh, that would be wonderful. 772 00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:01,715 I've got to say, when you burst into that office 773 00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:03,552 even I thought you wanted that house. 774 00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:06,600 Well, acting does run in the family. 775 00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:08,955 My father was very close to Sir Laurence Olivier 776 00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:11,679 during his famed production of Richard III. 777 00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:13,279 Your father was an actor? 778 00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:15,233 Not an actor. 779 00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:18,319 He was Larry's dresser 1944 to '45. 780 00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:20,158 Not quite so glamorous. 781 00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:21,559 You can say that again. 782 00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:23,437 He spent most of that season stuffing his hump. 783 00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:26,915 - Mrs Harvey? - Oh, oh, oh! 784 00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:29,550 Oh, I shouldn't really, I mean... 785 00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:33,155 On duty. But some things are worth celebrating. 786 00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:39,552 And no hard feelings about losing your dream house? 787 00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:43,913 With 15 grand in my pocket, I'm happy to have another dream. 788 00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:46,116 Plus, the longer I wait, 789 00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:48,953 the cheaper property seems to get here at the moment. 790 00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:51,317 Yes, so I'd heard. 791 00:44:52,720 --> 00:44:55,678 I think I might be back here sooner than I thought. 792 00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:58,839 Oh, that were gorgeous. 793 00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:01,629 - I love a bit of steak. - Yeah. 794 00:45:01,720 --> 00:45:05,633 Lean and tasty, like someone else I know. 795 00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:07,599 Sorry, love, what did you say? 796 00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:09,830 - Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah, no, I'm fine. 797 00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:11,956 Sorry, I was just seeing if me Dad had rang. 798 00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:13,439 You've been checking your phone all night. 799 00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:16,512 - Shall we just go back? - What, and ruin our big night out? 800 00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:17,794 No fear. 801 00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:19,949 Billy. 802 00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:22,630 We both know Eddie does my head in. 803 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,075 But I don't hate him. 804 00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:28,517 He's your father, and he's our family. 805 00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:30,795 He just looked so frail in bed tonight. 806 00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:33,995 He's always been there for me. I don't wanna lose him. 807 00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:36,431 Come on, let's go back. 808 00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:39,359 Yee-haw! 809 00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:46,556 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 810 00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:52,952 Yee-haw!