1 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,309 It's from me dad. 2 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,390 He's asking if it's all right for him to join us. 3 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:47,638 You can tell that ignorant, selfish, inconsiderate savage 4 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,153 you call a father 5 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:54,314 if he comes within 20 feet of me or our children, I will call the police. 6 00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,278 So, is that a yes or a no? 7 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,073 Why don't you have a paddle, Jodie? 8 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,269 I don't want to. 9 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,555 'Course she don't want to, she's been traumatised. 10 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:17,239 The more we keep going on about this, 11 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:19,436 the more frightened she's gonna be of going in the pool. 12 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,556 Our only daughter is frightened of going in the pool 13 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,153 for one reason and one reason only. 14 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:24,912 Oh, give it a rest. 15 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,672 Give it a rest? He tried to drown her! 16 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,354 Oh, as if he'd try and drown his own granddaughter! 17 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:30,429 He just... 18 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:31,509 Shoved her in. 19 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:32,669 Oh, well, then! 20 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,957 How many times? It was just a slightly misjudged bit of fun. 21 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:39,635 Really? Well, I wonder what other sort of fun he's got in store for us? 22 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,271 Anthrax in our dinner, man traps in the bedroom? 23 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,351 You want your grand-dad to sit with us, don't you, Jodie? 24 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:47,794 Look, it's not funny! 25 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,110 We can't spend the rest of our holiday ignoring me own father, 26 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,475 he may as well not have come. 27 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,279 Well, at last we agree on something. 28 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:54,679 Oh, I give up! 29 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,757 - Where are you going? - What have I done? 30 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,353 Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I just meant... 31 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,670 I'm off to sit somewhere I can read me book in peace. 32 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,354 And don't worry. If me grand-dad attacks me with a sunbed, 33 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:04,793 I'll shout for back-up. 34 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:22,592 Oh, Les, you have no idea how good it feels to be back in Benidorm. 35 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,115 So, Madrid isn't all it's cracked up to be? 36 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,398 Oh, Madrid is beautiful. And the hotel I work in was amazing. 37 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:30,754 It is having five stars. 38 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,473 Five-star hotel? 39 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:36,917 Yes, the staff and the guests were very, how you say, sophisticate, 40 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,470 but, there was always something missing... 41 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:44,475 The energy, the excitement, the honesty that is Benidorm. 42 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:46,832 The women wouldn't sleep with you, would they? 43 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:48,588 Not one. 44 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,791 Can you tell me what whiskies you have? 45 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,199 Yeah, that one. 46 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,112 So, you're back in Benidorm. Young, free, and single. 47 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:01,349 I am, how you say, giving the ladies a large girth. 48 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,870 I think what you mean is a wide berth. Very wise. 49 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,554 Yes. Women, they have brought me nothing but trouble. 50 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:11,791 Now is the time to work hard, and save money for my future. 51 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,111 Dios mio... 52 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,072 Mira esta! 53 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,708 Yeah, I'll have a large portion of that. 54 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:20,909 Me, too! 55 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,149 Good morning, team. 56 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:25,516 I'm pleased to inform you after a successful trial yesterday, 57 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:29,309 Amber starts with us today on a full-time basis. 58 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,549 Les, you already know... 59 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:31,709 Well done, pet! 60 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,268 This is Mateo. 61 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,517 Quite harmless, but if you have to touch him, for any reason, 62 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:40,434 there is an antibacterial hand wash under the bar. 63 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:43,708 Hasta luego. 64 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,159 Excuse me. 65 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,591 I have been waiting for ten minutes for a large whisky. 66 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:55,518 But of course. How else would one ease oneself into the day at... 10:35? 67 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,189 Mateo... 68 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,149 Is he all right? 69 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,152 He's fine, he's just living been in Madrid for the past year. 70 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,756 Come on, son! Off you pop, collect some empties. 71 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,038 Will somebody pour me a large whisky, please? 72 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:15,948 Large whisky, coming up. 73 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:22,829 Morning! 74 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,549 You're up early. 75 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,438 Here they are. Andi Peters and Gordon the Gopher. 76 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,757 Gordon the Gopher wasn't with Andi Peters, he was with Phillip Schofield. 77 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,718 That's what people thought but believe me, that rodent was an absolute slut. 78 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,549 Oh, no, I met him once, he was lovely. 79 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,790 He means Gordon the Gopher, not Andi Peters. 80 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:40,915 Did you change your flights? 81 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,673 Yeah, all changed, we are now officially on holiday for the whole week. 82 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,429 Yeah! Right, you go and grab three sunbeds, 83 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,033 and I'll start switching things off in here. 84 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,075 Hello, Kenny. 85 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,878 Right, well, we'd better get off then. 86 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:02,994 Hola! 87 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,149 Come on. 88 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,638 Long time no see. 89 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:09,829 How's it going? 90 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,435 You're obviously here because Herbert sent you, what's going on? 91 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,712 Oh, he's not gonna start charging me rent, is he? 92 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:15,835 We had an agreement. 93 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,069 Kenneth... 94 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:18,395 Herbert's dead. 95 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,757 - What? - He died two weeks ago 96 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,558 in a freak hair straightening accident. 97 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:24,715 Oh, my God. 98 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,273 This is the best holiday abroad I've ever had. 99 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:34,868 When did you last go abroad? 100 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,188 I've never been abroad. 101 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,599 This is my first time. 102 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,317 Listen, there's an amazing beach five minutes from here, 103 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,389 we can go there today if you want. 104 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:48,434 To be honest, bruv, I'm just really enjoying the view from here. 105 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,271 Mate, she is proper tidy. 106 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:53,834 Yeah, I've noticed that! 107 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,309 She keeps putting everything away after she's used it! 108 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,919 No, mate, I mean she's fit. 109 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,950 Oh, God, yeah, she is fit as. 110 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,551 Okay, here's the deal. 111 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,791 I've got 20 euros that says I can get her number before you. 112 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,189 I don't understand. 113 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,795 Well, I'm betting I could be the first to get that girl's phone number. 114 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:13,915 Like a race. 115 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,149 Who are you betting that with? 116 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:16,709 Why don't you bet with me? 117 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,074 I am betting with you! 118 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,197 All right. But I need to know who the other bloke is first. 119 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:22,834 What other bloke? 120 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,798 You are the other bloke, and the bloke I'm betting with. 121 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:26,915 Am I? 122 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,316 Sweet, 20 euros. 123 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,594 20 euros. 124 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:36,549 Is there a prize? 125 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,229 What? 126 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,673 Is there a prize for getting her number? 127 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:42,789 20 euros. 128 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,154 Oh, right! 129 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,868 Does she know she has to give the winner her number? 130 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,548 What do you think? 131 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,073 I haven't got a clue. 132 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,711 You can say that again. 133 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,109 I called here three or four times to tell you about Herbert. 134 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:01,919 But the salon was closed. 135 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,072 I assumed you must be on holiday. 136 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:07,949 Yeah, yeah, I, um... 137 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,040 I had a little break. First one in years. 138 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:12,873 You're just like Herbert. 139 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,389 A workaholic. 140 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:15,914 Yeah... 141 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,399 That's why he's left you the lot. 142 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,478 He's left me the salon in his will? 143 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,193 Not just the salon. 144 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:26,917 The club, his villa, this salon, all the others... 145 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:28,669 What? 146 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,313 You're a very rich man, Kenneth. 147 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:36,031 Hang on, there must be some mistake. 148 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,232 I love me Uncle Herbert... 149 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,197 Well, I mean, I loved him... 150 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:41,508 But I hardly ever saw him. 151 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,590 Are you absolutely sure he's left everything to me? 152 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,159 There is nobody else. 153 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,711 When we spoke about, it he always said, 154 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,031 "There's only one person who's family to me. 155 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,472 "And when I go, he'll get the lot." 156 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,638 O to the M to the F to the G. 157 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,712 The will reading's this afternoon. 158 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,158 Three o'clock in Herbert's office. 159 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:06,359 Kenneth, I really need me job at the club. 160 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,836 I know this is a lot to take in, 161 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,236 but if you could see your way to keep me on, 162 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,594 I'd be eternally grateful. 163 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,035 I don't believe it. 164 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,036 I don't believe it! I'm a bloody millionaire! 165 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,559 Or maybe a job here. 166 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,433 I can make tea, odd jobs. 167 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,672 You? 168 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,159 You working here? 169 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:30,389 Are you having a laugh? 170 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,756 I'm sorry, Norman. I try to do me bit for charity, 171 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,438 but business is business. 172 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,592 And you scaring away my pensioners with that ugly mug of yours... 173 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,308 That would be very bad for business. 174 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:43,955 Oh, my God! 175 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,034 What am I gonna do with all that money? 176 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,235 I'm rich! 177 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,950 I'm rich beyond me wildest dreams! 178 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:53,159 Drop the latch on the way out! 179 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,193 Hello, darling. 180 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,919 Mommy says you can sit with us, 181 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,878 as long as you promise not to try and kill me again. 182 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,277 Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but... 183 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,119 You're gonna have to not speak in that daft accent, 184 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,912 or else I can't understand you. 185 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:23,153 I said, you can sit with us, if you promise not to try and kill me again. 186 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:27,429 Oh, love, I didn't try and kill you. 187 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,229 That's the way my grand-dad taught me how to swim. 188 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,874 You want to try it in a dirty canal with your gob full of frog spawn. 189 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:35,949 What? 190 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:37,993 Never mind. 191 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:39,389 Shall I come and sit with you? 192 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:40,869 Yeah. 193 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,115 Okay then. 194 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,518 Has your mum cheered up a bit? 195 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,513 - Yeah. She said she wants to dance. - Oh, that's a good sign. 196 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,154 On your grave. 197 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,559 What does that mean? 198 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,233 Oh! 199 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,039 Must have nodded off! 200 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,996 It's very quiet, isn't it? 201 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,399 It is now. 202 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,074 Where's Kenneth? 203 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,878 Oh, he didn't come out in the end. 204 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:20,397 After all that carry-on asking us to stay on for the week, 205 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,630 he's not even sitting with us. 206 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:23,835 Yeah... 207 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:29,678 Unless he and his friend have had an early siesta, 208 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,159 if you know what I mean. 209 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,632 When I said a siesta, what I actually meant was... 210 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,712 Jacqueline, I'm not being funny, but I'm trying to read. 211 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,268 Oh, sorry. I'll go back to sleep. 212 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,998 No, no, no, don't do that. 213 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,435 Oh, for God's sake... 214 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,837 "Help me? Stuck in street outside Solana..." 215 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,792 Who's that from? 216 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,508 Kenneth. 217 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,952 Well, aren't we going to help him? 218 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,349 He might be stuck in a man hole. 219 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,073 It wouldn't be the first time. 220 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,555 Oh, all right, come on then. 221 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,470 Sorry, this is the third time you've cancelled. 222 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,752 We can't run a hotel with no qualified first-aiders... 223 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,472 I understand, but we are in Benidorm, 224 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:21,916 and most of our clientele are a sausage bap away from a cardiac arrest... 225 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,431 Oh, don't bother! 226 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,074 I'll just have to sort things out myself, as usual! 227 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,232 There is a problem, Miss Temple-Savage? 228 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,469 Yes, there is a problem. 229 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,591 Due to our high turn-over of staff, 230 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:37,592 I realised weeks ago that we have no first-aiders... 231 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:38,709 Which is illegal. 232 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,632 So, I booked a first-aid course, 233 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,870 but this is the third time they've cancelled. 234 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,598 You need someone to show first-aid? 235 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,274 I can do this. 236 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:51,273 I don't mean a quick mouth-to-mouth on your pick of the female staff. 237 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,874 I need a fully-qualified first-aider. 238 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,235 Yes, I am qually-fullyfied. 239 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,634 In my hotel in Madrid, I took a course to teach others first-aid. 240 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,879 Really, Miss Temple-Savage, I have the sticky foot. 241 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,318 Sticky foot? What's that? 242 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,710 The paper to say I have the first-aids. 243 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,429 Certificate? 244 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,114 You mean you have a certificate? 245 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,078 Yes, is what I'm saying. 246 00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:19,071 The last thing I need is... 247 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,831 What on Earth is going on out there? 248 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,718 Oh! Is that you, Kenneth? 249 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:25,835 Are you all right? 250 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,319 Of course I'm not all right! 251 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,674 Are you stuck? 252 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,193 No, I'm just testing out the horn! 253 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,349 Oh, right... 254 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:32,589 Where are you going? 255 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,193 'Course I'm bloody stuck! 256 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,873 What on Earth is going on? 257 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,359 It's Kenneth, he's stuck. 258 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,715 I didn't know he had a car, things can't be that bad. 259 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,834 It's very sporty, I bet it goes fast. 260 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,798 With Kenneth in it, I'm not so sure. 261 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,553 Will you stop your frigging chit-chat and help me to get out? 262 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:48,914 Mateo, help him! 263 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:53,755 You need to grease him up! Oh, I might have something in me case. 264 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:00,959 God! Me coccyx! 265 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,109 Hey! I never touched you! 266 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,235 It was probably him! 267 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,833 Mateo, will you get off the pavement and come inside? 268 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,672 I have got a hotel to run, you know. 269 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,758 - You're welcome! - Welcome? 270 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,193 You nearly broke me bloody back! 271 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,838 What the hell's going on? 272 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,558 And what you doing dressed like that? 273 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,232 Between you and me, love, 274 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,629 I am about to come into an awful lot of money. 275 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:37,995 Excuse me, mate. 276 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,109 Yes, young 'un? 277 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,838 The girl with the blonde hair... 278 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:42,709 What's her name? 279 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:43,915 That's Amber. 280 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,994 Can you give her this, please? 281 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,390 Sorry, pal, I'm not allowed to do that. I could lose me job. 282 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,469 Oh... 283 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,120 I tell you what, just leave it there, and I'll tip her the wink. 284 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,792 What? Do you fancy her as well? 285 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,753 No, I just mean I'll let her know it's here. 286 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,831 Oh, right, okay, sweet. Thanks. 287 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:03,955 Nae bother. 288 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,871 - What? - No problem. 289 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,435 Uh, where are you going? 290 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,318 It's time to wrap this competition up, if you've stopped fannying around. 291 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:14,833 I'm not fannying around. 292 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:15,989 What is it? 293 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,799 I can't say, a young lad left it for you. 294 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:20,029 Just there on the bar. 295 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,231 - Did you get the number? - Um... 296 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:23,435 Not yet. 297 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,919 Stand aside, bruv. 298 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,396 Just what I always wanted... 299 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:32,749 All right... 300 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,639 Amber... I'm Tiger. 301 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,312 Hello, Tiger, what would you like? 302 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,876 Well, I wouldn't mind your phone number for a start. 303 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,235 Very funny. Now, what can I get you to drink? 304 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,435 Uh... 305 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,911 Just a beer. Please. 306 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:49,355 There you go. 307 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,197 Why won't you give me your phone number? 308 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,317 Have you got something against nice guys? 309 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,475 Enjoy your beer, Mr Nice Guy. 310 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,914 Nice one! 311 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,560 Game over, my friend! 312 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:12,669 You didn't get it? 313 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,876 Oh, yes! That's 20 euros you owe me. 314 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,188 Shut up! 315 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,669 Well, I left her my number, so she might still call me. 316 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:22,070 Mate, the bet was the first person to get her number. 317 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,559 And that person is me. 318 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:31,995 What're you doing? 319 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,515 I'm texting her. 320 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,514 O to the G to the M! 321 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,828 She texted me! 322 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:51,116 "Thanks for your number, you are so fit. Mr Nice Guy." 323 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,317 Oh, you complete dick! 324 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,591 - What? - Did you leave your number on a napkin? 325 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,113 Yeah, why? 326 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,679 What do you mean, why? 327 00:15:59,000 --> 00:15:59,989 Give me your phone. 328 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,349 Why have you not got people's names in your phone contacts? 329 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,000 I prefer to have all my contacts written down 330 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,832 on a piece of paper in my bag, 331 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,512 in case I lose my phone. 332 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,034 Another message! 333 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,716 "Can't talk while I'm working, 334 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,395 "but I really like guys who swim in their clothes. Will you?" 335 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,473 Oh, my days! 336 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:46,788 I'm so in there! 337 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,917 Swim in your clothes? 338 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,559 Oh, she's crazy. 339 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,433 You're not gonna do it, are you? 340 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:56,229 Mate... He who calls the piper, plays the tune. 341 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,198 Yes! I am! 342 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,950 Oh, man, today is gonna be a good day! 343 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:18,918 Well, I must say, 344 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,878 it's nice to be back in the bosom of a loving family. 345 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:23,509 Anyone we know? 346 00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:29,318 I've always said, it's pointless bearing a grudge. 347 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,038 Life's too short, isn't it? 348 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,275 Some are short... 349 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,511 While other people's lives just seem to go on and on and on... 350 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,556 Are you gonna have a go on the karaoke tonight, Jo? 351 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,312 Well, we'd better check if your grand-dad 352 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,436 has any more phantom heart attacks planned 353 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,397 before we decide what to do this evening. 354 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,476 I'm going to sing, Let It Go from Frozen. 355 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,915 Oh, "Let it go", that's a good idea. 356 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,998 You could join in with that, Sheron. 357 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,435 Oh, will the pair of you just leave it? 358 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,074 All I'm saying is, 359 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,152 considering we're gonna be seeing a lot more of each other, 360 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:01,195 it's probably best if we make the effort now to get along. 361 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:07,636 Right, I'm gonna back one out. 362 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,634 That Spanish bacon's got a mind of its own. 363 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,313 What does he mean, 364 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,511 we're going to be seeing a lot more of each other? 365 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,149 Erm, er... 366 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:26,070 Dunno, probably just means the rest of the holiday. 367 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,515 Yeah... 368 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,479 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, 369 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,279 it is my pleasure today to give you the first-aids. 370 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,596 In today's course, I will be showing you 371 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,955 how to make someone alive when they are dead, 372 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,277 and how to squeeze people when they are choking on the sausage. 373 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,276 You've got to be joking. 374 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,189 Okay, first of all, if you find a holiday maker 375 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,078 who has died, they will look something like this. 376 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,833 They will, of course, be fatter, but this is all the puff I had. 377 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,189 So, first we have to make the heart of the person start again. 378 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,632 Do not worry, this will not happen to you with a real person. 379 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,990 I could make a joke now about a girl in a bikini going down on me... 380 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,473 But since this is a serious subject I will not be doing this. 381 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,516 Come on, man, this is ridiculous. 382 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,795 Excuse me, Les, I am only half way through. 383 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,150 I now have to show you how to stop 384 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,549 a drunk person from choking on the sausage. 385 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,150 It is called the Heineken Manoeuvre. 386 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,873 May I please have a volunteer? 387 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,193 No, Miguel, put down your hand. 388 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,869 Perhaps, Amber, you would like to choke on my sausage? 389 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:50,995 I think 390 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,718 we both know the answer to that. 391 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,875 Okay, will you please hurry? Time is of the influence. 392 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,316 That was actually a "No" from me. 393 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,389 It was? 394 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:05,869 Okay, Miguel, come here. 395 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:12,993 Okay, look at them, not me. 396 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,112 Let us be imagining that Miguel is having trouble with his sausage. 397 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,917 First, we make a position behind the victim... 398 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:35,076 And put your arms around just above his waist. 399 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,198 You are then needing to pump him as hard as you can. 400 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,552 Oh, God, he's choking on his own sausage! 401 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:54,549 Get him up. 402 00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:58,669 Mateo, are you all right? 403 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,193 Big breaths, pal, big breaths. 404 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,152 Thank you for your kind attentions, ladies and gentlemen... 405 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,835 This is the extermination of today's demonstrations. 406 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,359 Come on. 407 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:29,869 I can manage! 408 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,999 I don't know why you're wasting money on taxis, you could have come with me. 409 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,594 Well, you barely fit in that car yourself! 410 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,673 Yeah, it is a bit small, but it's only hired for the week. 411 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:41,955 And now that I've got it, I can look for something more substantial. 412 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,076 I've always fancied something big and German. 413 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,237 - Mmm! - Don't you think you should wait and see 414 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,914 how much money you've been left before you start splashing it about? 415 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,673 Oh look, we haven't all got combination locks on our wallets. 416 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,109 I say live for the day, because you're a long time dead. 417 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,955 Hear hear! As my Donald always said, "Grasp the nettle with both hands!" 418 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:00,993 Talking of which, come on, we're late. 419 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:02,913 Hey, I'm not tight! 420 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,792 I'm just careful... 421 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,554 There ya go young un, one orange juice, fresh from the carton. 422 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:11,834 - Thanks. - Is it all right 423 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,239 if I take my break now, Les? 424 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,117 'Course it is. Take your time. 425 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:19,949 Any good? 426 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,355 - Sorry? - Your book. 427 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,512 Oh! Um... Animal Farm. Do you know it? 428 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,551 I saw a bit of the video 429 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,949 when I was working on the oil rigs in the early '80's... 430 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,198 You've a stronger stomach than me, lad. 431 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,354 Another large one in there, por favor. 432 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,509 Aye, nae bother. 433 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:39,554 Animal Farm? 434 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,478 I bet it's not as good as video. 435 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,755 Listen, son, I need your help. 436 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,111 Yeah, I think a few people 'round here need help. 437 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:51,799 Thank you. 438 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,269 I need you to drop into the conversation at some point, 439 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,118 that I'm coming to live with you. 440 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,755 What? 441 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,751 Do you mean your dad hasn't told you? 442 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,109 - No. - I thought 443 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,997 it were just your mother he'd not told. 444 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,311 You... You're coming to live with us? 445 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,515 Yeah. 446 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:11,949 When? 447 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,674 Straight after this holiday. 448 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,229 Where are you gonna sleep? 449 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,914 I thought I were getting your room. You're going to college, aren't you? 450 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,310 University. And I'm not going until October. 451 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,073 Well, we can muck in. 452 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,238 So, if you could drop the hint at some point... 453 00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:28,679 Grand-dad... 454 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,594 I think this might be better coming from you. 455 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,309 - Really? - Yeah, really. 456 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,435 Okay, you might be right. 457 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,750 I'll tell her tonight after a few drinks, 458 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,754 - when she's feeling a bit more, uh... - Violent? 459 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:48,348 Relaxed. 460 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,154 Ask me again tonight. 461 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,758 As solicitor, executor, 462 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,752 and friend of Herbert... 463 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,276 You happen to be very late. 464 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:26,635 Sorry. 465 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,836 - Sorry. - Sorry. 466 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:35,149 "I, Herbert Lionel DiCaprio III, 467 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,189 "declare this to be my last will and testicle." 468 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,990 Did I just say, "testicle"? 469 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,398 I do apologise. 470 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:47,989 Here we go. 471 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:54,477 "To Rodrigo, my head stylist and personal masseur, 472 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:59,431 "I leave 100,000 euros." 473 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:02,269 Order! 474 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:03,998 Order! Order! 475 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,479 I will have order! 476 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:11,993 As I was saying, "To Rodrigo, I leave 100 euros..." 477 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,790 You said 100,000 a minute ago! 478 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,279 Shut up! 479 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,272 Now... No, you're quite right! 480 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:27,670 "100,000 euros, and my infamous gold scissors. 481 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,594 "To Jordan Rivers..." Is Jordan Rivers here? 482 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:36,037 Ah, yes... "The best drag queen in Benidorm..." 483 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,916 Yes, that's open to debate... 484 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:42,517 "I leave my collection of toupees, 485 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,270 "and my mother's recipe for scowze." 486 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,034 Scowze? 487 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:49,952 Heavens knows what the blazes that is. 488 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:51,234 It's "scouse." 489 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,548 Come on, get to the good bit. 490 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:53,629 Do you mind? 491 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,474 "Everything else... My villa, 492 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:02,391 "cars, all 14 hairdressing salons, 493 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:09,190 "Benidorm nightclub and entire savings and shares in DiCaprio Holdings, 494 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:13,873 "I devise, bequeath, and give, 495 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:18,875 "to the one person who has been like a son to me. 496 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:24,750 "Although our relationship has often been distant, 497 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:31,270 "the unspoken love and bond between us has always been there. 498 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,469 "The person to whom I refer, 499 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:40,112 "and bequeath my entire estate, as per Appendix 1, is... 500 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,868 "Naturally... 501 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,359 "Of course, 502 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:45,631 "none other than... 503 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:49,479 "Norman Fagan!" 504 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,919 "Also affectionately known as, 'Norman the Doormouse..."' 505 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,519 Uh, doorman. 506 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,032 Norman the Doorman! 507 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:01,069 Oh... 508 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,149 My... 509 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,275 Flipping... 510 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:04,475 God. 511 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:24,910 How long did she say for you to sit like that? 512 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,434 She said she's gonna text me again soon. 513 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,278 I think she's taking the rise out of you, mate. 514 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:33,148 You gotta understand, Tige, some girls are strange. 515 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,079 I once went out with this girl, 516 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,674 and she got really turned on when I topped up her mobile. 517 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:39,673 - You what? - Yeah, 518 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:43,111 she used to get really horny if I put a fiver on her pay-as-you-go. 519 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,471 And if I put a tenner on it, oh, my days! 520 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:50,435 So, the more money you put on her phone, the better she was in the sack? 521 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:54,195 Oh, I dunno about that. We never met. She lived in Nigeria. 522 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,312 "Those straws in your ears look hot, but can you fit more in? 523 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:12,709 "Also, tonight, can you wear a mankini in Neptune's? 524 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:14,592 "It will drive me crazy." 525 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,359 The thing that I don't understand is, I've had four texts from her 526 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:22,750 in the last 15 mins, but I've been watching her, 527 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:26,073 and she ain't picked up her mobile once. 528 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:29,389 Tiger? 529 00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:31,634 Yes mate? 530 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:32,914 Do me a favour? 531 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,309 Sorry, mate, I wondered when you'd realise... 532 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,231 Get us a few more straws from the bar. 533 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:39,397 And see if you can find one of them mankinis 534 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:41,436 from that shop just outside the hotel. 535 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:47,479 However she's sending these texts, she deserves everything she wants. 536 00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:52,473 Oh, mate, believe me, it will be my pleasure. 537 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:03,519 Can't believe it... Won and lost a fortune in the space of a few hours. 538 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:07,389 Well, technically, you never actually won it. 539 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,708 A life of luxury snatched from under me nose. 540 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:13,234 It's hard to miss what you never had. 541 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,596 So close... 542 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:17,113 Yet so far. 543 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:19,715 You didn't fit in that car, anyway. 544 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,075 Oh, shut up while I'm trying to feel sorry for myself! 545 00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:23,957 Hey, don't take it out on Jacqueline! 546 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:25,758 It's not her fault your uncle didn't leave you a penny 547 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:27,114 to scratch your ass with. 548 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,635 Oh, here we go. Rub it in, why don't you? 549 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:32,148 Go away! 550 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:36,598 All right, Kenneth? 551 00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:39,433 You left a bit sharpish. 552 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:42,678 Erm... We'd better get ready for tonight. 553 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,716 Yeah, come on, I've got to put me face on. 554 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,279 Put me hair in a top knot. 555 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:53,868 It's funny how a few hours can change someone's life. 556 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:56,913 Isn't it, Kenneth? 557 00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:00,914 Not for me. I'm in exactly the same position as I was in this morning. 558 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:03,190 Well, not quite. 559 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:12,589 What's this? 560 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:14,511 Just a bit of business from your new landlord. 561 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:16,395 Me. 562 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,758 I've done you a very tasty deal on the water and the leccy. 563 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:23,436 13,000 euros? 564 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:24,789 Is this a joke? 565 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:26,359 No, Kenneth, it's business. 566 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,111 Of course, I could have waited until tomorrow to bring you this, 567 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:30,838 but as you said... 568 00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:33,878 Wouldn't want to scare your pensioners with my ugly mug. 569 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:37,195 That'd be very bad for business. 570 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,551 You've got 28 days to pay. 571 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:44,509 It's the least I could do. 572 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:48,273 After all, we're practically family. 573 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:55,754 Oh yeah... 574 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,915 You left before the solicitor could give you this. 575 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,115 You never know. 576 00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:06,871 Might be stuffed with 100 euro notes. 577 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:11,194 28 days, Kenneth. 578 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:16,994 I don't believe it. 579 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:20,709 I'm finished. 580 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,235 Unless... 581 00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:44,800 I can't believe you still haven't opened it. 582 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:46,189 I don't know what's inside it. 583 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,918 That is why she's saying to open it! 584 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:49,149 It's obvious what it is! 585 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,229 It's money. 586 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:54,154 He's left you cash, so you don't have to pay any tax on it. 587 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:55,555 That would make sense. 588 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:57,073 Oh, give us it here, I'll open it if you won't. 589 00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:58,559 Hang on a minute! 590 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:02,679 I think I need a large drink first. 591 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:13,955 So, if it's all right with you, 592 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,316 I'll just be dressing as Lesley in the evenings, not during the day. 593 00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:20,429 Going full-time seemed a good idea at first, 594 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:23,353 but it's kinda taken all the pleasure out of it, 595 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:24,873 and made it a bit of a chore. 596 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:30,549 Plus, I can't fit a towel on a radiator at home for all the drying bras. 597 00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:32,558 Lesley, I've always said, 598 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,712 you can come to work dressed as Frankenstein's monster 599 00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:36,915 as long as you do your job. 600 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:39,149 Oh, I'm sorry... 601 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,470 That's not what you come as tonight, is it? 602 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,229 11 hours! 603 00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:47,716 - Oi! - I beg your pardon? 604 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:49,994 11 hours! 605 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:53,678 We went on your paint-balling trip this morning. 606 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:56,911 And we've been out for 11 hours! 607 00:32:58,040 --> 00:33:01,953 I always say you should never put a time limit on enjoying yourself. 608 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,918 And judging by your breath, you obviously didn't. 609 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,150 Yeah, all right, I've had a drink. 610 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:09,557 But when you pay to go on a trip, 611 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:13,311 you kind of expect that you're going to bring us all back! 612 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:15,472 This is absolutely ridiculous. 613 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:17,359 They wouldn't let us on the coach to come back, 614 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:18,793 and now they won't let us in our rooms. 615 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:20,679 They used gloss paint! 616 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,116 - What? - What kind of dick head 617 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:25,998 uses gloss paint at a paintballing match? 618 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:29,670 And then there wasn't anybody else there! 619 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:31,079 We just shot at each other. 620 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,597 Have you seen my mother? 621 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,193 Why? Do you think I should? 622 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:39,558 Because there were only three of us, the man who cleans the guns joined in. 623 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:42,837 Nobody told us he was a psychologically damaged war veteran. 624 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:45,115 It was like a scene from American Sniper! 625 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:50,432 She is a senior citizen! 626 00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:52,313 Not a skirting board! 627 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:55,030 It's not her fault she's slow on her feet. 628 00:33:55,760 --> 00:34:00,151 That lunatic singled my mother out like the runt of a litter! 629 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:01,799 It was disgusting! 630 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:07,036 Ey own ettus into our ooms. 631 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:08,469 I'm sorry? 632 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:12,479 How many times? They won't let us into our rooms! 633 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:16,477 It's taken us a four mile walk, and two trains! 634 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:19,678 And five buses, standing all the way, 635 00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:21,592 'cause they wouldn't let us sit on the seats! 636 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,072 And now they won't let us into our rooms! 637 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:30,953 If you'd like to come with me. 638 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,150 You like this place so much that you cannot keep away, huh? 639 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,675 It not the place I'm interested in, it's you. 640 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:51,789 Okay! 641 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,070 Now we are talking turkeys! 642 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:56,157 It was only a matter of time, I guess. 643 00:34:56,240 --> 00:34:58,993 Don't flatter yourself, Mateo, it's purely business. 644 00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:01,233 Oh, you came. 645 00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:05,679 I was gonna have a word with Mateo, but it's been quite busy. 646 00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:07,109 What is going on? 647 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:10,476 I wanted to have a word about your first-aid course this afternoon. 648 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:12,399 How much did you get paid? 649 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,914 I am sorry, I am not allowed to be in discussions 650 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:16,877 with matters of financial persuasions. 651 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:18,154 200 euros. 652 00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:19,229 How do you know this? 653 00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,311 You've not stopped bragging about it all night. 654 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:22,989 Oh, yes... 655 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:26,390 So, there were ten people on your "course," 656 00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:30,196 I reckon that's 20 euros each to keep our traps shut on what a farce it was. 657 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:32,840 What? You cannot be blacking my mail like this! 658 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:34,273 No problem. 659 00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:36,517 Lesley, where did Joyce go? 660 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:38,272 Let's see what she has to say about it. 661 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,510 Okay! Okay! 662 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:43,519 Take the money. 663 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:44,999 Thanks! 664 00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:48,074 And I'm gonna do a first-aid session for the same people 665 00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:50,549 in our own time, so we're actually doing you a favour. 666 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,198 Doing me a favour? 667 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:53,508 I am out of pockets. 668 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:56,190 It cost me ten euros to buy that blow-up doll. 669 00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:58,874 Yeah, right, like you didn't have that already. 670 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:05,395 Yes, pet? 671 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:14,719 You've got to give her credit, she hasn't even looked at me once. 672 00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:15,949 Yeah, she's good! 673 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:17,871 Although, you'd think she'd at least give you a wink 674 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,872 when you did those 100 press-ups in the Fred Flintstone playground. 675 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:22,713 I wouldn't have been able to see it, anyway. 676 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:24,631 I went slightly dizzy and I couldn't see anything 677 00:36:24,720 --> 00:36:26,517 for about 20 minutes after that. 678 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:31,556 Ooh, here we go again. 679 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,392 Great! If you can tell Maria you've got her 20 euros, 680 00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:38,596 and I will text Jose and Gregorio. 681 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:41,956 But remember, big secret, we don't want to get Mateo into trouble. 682 00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:43,837 - Okay. - Okay. 683 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:49,313 Oh, Lola! 684 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:54,113 You've been texting a lot today. 685 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:58,150 Yeah, yeah, me old man, you know how he likes to know what's going on. 686 00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:00,959 Tell him about Amber and the texting, he won't believe it! 687 00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:02,553 No, he won't. 688 00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:08,078 That took a long time, considering it only came from over there. 689 00:37:11,240 --> 00:37:13,310 Oh, my days! 690 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:16,153 You are not gonna believe what she wants me to do now! 691 00:37:16,240 --> 00:37:18,390 Sing her a karaoke song and strip naked? 692 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:20,277 Yeah! How did you know that? 693 00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:21,868 Lucky guess. 694 00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:24,959 "Anything for you." 695 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:32,669 That your dad again? 696 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:34,475 Yeah... 697 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:47,988 Thank you to Jonathan, Benidorm's original Motown singer. 698 00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:50,077 We'll have more from him later, 699 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:54,039 but first it's time to hear from your good selves, 700 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,429 it's karaoke time! 701 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:00,594 And first up we have a young lady 702 00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:02,989 who I've been told would like to be a professional singer 703 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:04,069 when she grows up. 704 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:07,749 So, let's hear it for a star of tomorrow, 705 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,428 Jodie Dawson! 706 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:11,999 - Jodie! - Come on, Jodie! 707 00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:13,354 Remember to smile! 708 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:14,953 And don't forget to breathe! 709 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,637 Christ, she can't be much of a singer if she forgets to breathe. 710 00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:21,472 Dad, for God's sake. 711 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:23,599 I'm just saying. 712 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:45,229 Uh, Mateo. 713 00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:46,395 Yes, Miss Temple-Savage? 714 00:38:46,720 --> 00:38:50,713 A word about the first-aid course today. There's a slight problem. 715 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:52,315 A problem? 716 00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:55,193 - Really? - Yes, 717 00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:56,872 the man who was supposed to do our course 718 00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,793 was also supposed to do The Belroy, and The Flamingo, 719 00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:01,598 but it looks like he's going to be off all week. 720 00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:03,193 Can you do those, too? 721 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:05,519 Two more courses? 722 00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:07,318 I don't think so, Miss Temple-Savage. 723 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,831 I think you are right, there is a problem... 724 00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:12,792 It would be another 400 euros. 725 00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:15,989 When do they want me? 726 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:29,678 I'm sorry, this is doing me head in. 727 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:31,557 You're telling me. If she's a professional singer, 728 00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:33,596 I can't wait for my modelling contract to come through. 729 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:35,671 Not her! I mean us! 730 00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,433 Just sitting here, staring at that bloody parcel. 731 00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:40,511 Get your grubby paws off! 732 00:39:40,720 --> 00:39:42,790 You might be a millionaire! 733 00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:44,748 Well, if I'm not, 734 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,956 I'll be on that plane back with you two at the end of the week. 735 00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:48,439 You're serious? 736 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:49,714 You'd come home? 737 00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:51,119 But you love it here. 738 00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:53,714 I could barely make ends meet when I was working rent-free. 739 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:57,550 I just have to admit it, I haven't got the money to start from scratch. 740 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:01,474 Unless... 741 00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:18,231 Oh, come on, I can't stand it! 742 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:20,072 It's like Christmas! 743 00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:24,996 Donald always used to tease me on Christmas Eve with a massive package. 744 00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:37,478 Well, what is it? 745 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:39,748 What's he left you? 746 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:43,275 He's left me his bloody teeth! 747 00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:15,551 Is she still singing? 748 00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:17,353 Oh, come on, darling. 749 00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:20,034 Well, the talent doesn't stop there... 750 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:23,749 Ladies and gentlemen, next, if your ears can take it, 751 00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:25,552 we have Joey! 752 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:27,394 Come on, Joey! 753 00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:28,799 Yeah! 754 00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:33,431 This is for a certain little lady who I've been chatting to today. 755 00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:34,589 You know who you are. 756 00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:53,714 It wasn't your fault, darling. 757 00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:55,233 It sounded rubbish! 758 00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:56,753 It was their fault, not yours. 759 00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:58,239 It was in the wrong key, Jo. 760 00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:00,834 I'll ask the DJ if he's got any other versions next time. 761 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:03,229 You know what you need, don't you, Jodie? 762 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:04,355 - What? - Dad! 763 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:07,557 You need a professional karaoke set-up. 764 00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:09,796 You know, with a microphone, and a speaker, 765 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,269 and little telly with the words on it, the lot. 766 00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:14,271 Yeah, and do you know how much they cost? 767 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:16,353 400 quid. 768 00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:17,998 That's what I've just paid for one. 769 00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:20,032 What do you need a karaoke machine for? 770 00:42:20,240 --> 00:42:22,708 For my lovely little granddaughter. 771 00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:24,592 Are you serious, Grand-dad? 772 00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:26,910 It gets delivered the day we get back. 773 00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:30,472 - I love you! - Come here. 774 00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:35,597 Well, I'm gonna be saving that much money coming to live with you lot, 775 00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:38,712 I thought there's no point that money just sitting there in the bank. 776 00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:39,835 I beg your pardon? 777 00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:41,754 Same again, is it? 778 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:44,272 Good idea of yours that, Rob. 779 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:46,637 She seems to have taken it quite well. 780 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:47,749 Hmm? 781 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,834 There is no way on Earth that that man is moving into my house. 782 00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:55,594 I tell you something right now, if he moves in, I'm moving out, 783 00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:57,159 and I'm taking the kids with me. 784 00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:58,355 Do you understand? 785 00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,637 Right, I am going to get absolutely hammered. 786 00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:06,836 Sod Herbert and his sodding teeth, sod The Solana and sod Blow and Go. 787 00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:09,354 I'm downing this lot then we get off into the Old Town. 788 00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:10,873 There is a way of staying here. 789 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,154 What do I wanna stay here for? 790 00:43:12,240 --> 00:43:14,879 Weak beer and old people farting along to karaoke? 791 00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,793 No, in exactly 20 minutes time, I shall be hanging upside down 792 00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:20,155 in the Bears Bar like a spatchcock chicken, 793 00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:21,832 and all of this lot will be a distant memory. 794 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,990 No, I mean a way of keeping the salon. 795 00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:26,389 No, I've had enough. I'm not going thousands into debt 796 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:28,232 just to do half a dozen blue rinses every week. 797 00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:32,678 We've got a business proposal. 798 00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:34,432 - You what? - Me and Jacqueline. 799 00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:37,239 - What do you mean? - I want to expand in Europe. 800 00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:38,833 There's treacle pudding and custard on the menu, 801 00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:40,114 get a couple of them down your neck. 802 00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:41,235 You know what I mean. 803 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:42,435 I don't want your money! 804 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:43,873 Good, 'cause I'm not giving it you. 805 00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:45,951 I want to take over the lease of Blow and Go. 806 00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:48,989 And what about me? 807 00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:52,868 You stay on as equal third partner, and head stylist. 808 00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:54,799 And I'm guessing you're the other third? 809 00:43:54,880 --> 00:43:57,269 I'm going to be more a sleeping partner. 810 00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:58,634 Why doesn't that surprise me? 811 00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:05,309 Well? 812 00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:06,799 Well, how's this gonna work? 813 00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:09,108 You moving to Spain? 814 00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:10,997 No, of course not, I've still got the salon back home. 815 00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:12,638 But I'll come out here every few weeks, 816 00:44:12,720 --> 00:44:15,712 have a few days in the sun, and see how everything's going. 817 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:18,398 And what about Gavin? 818 00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,358 Well, that's obvious. I've not mentioned him since we got here. 819 00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:23,476 - We split up. - Again. 820 00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:25,676 No, this is it. 821 00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:29,472 I need a fresh start. What do you say? 822 00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:33,038 I say, let's first drink to you being a single man. 823 00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:34,235 Oh, no, I don't want to do that. 824 00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:35,878 I've still got a lot of respect for Gavin. 825 00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:37,757 You've got to be the only one who does. 826 00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:38,949 Fat, whinging cow. 827 00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:40,439 Ding-dong, the witch is dead! 828 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,511 We can all talk about it tomorrow. 829 00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:45,955 Are you still going into the Old Town? 830 00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:55,795 No, I don't think I'll bother. 831 00:44:56,400 --> 00:44:58,516 Things seem to be hotting up here very nicely. 832 00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:12,109 Yeah! 833 00:45:12,800 --> 00:45:16,395 That is exactly why I am looking for a man, and not a boy. 834 00:45:18,120 --> 00:45:19,189 No. 835 00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:25,310 I've done everything that you've asked me, Amber. 836 00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:28,149 Now, can we have a date? 837 00:45:28,720 --> 00:45:30,756 Oh, no, that's right. 838 00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:33,992 You said strip naked. 839 00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:41,798 No! No, Joey, don't do it! 840 00:45:41,880 --> 00:45:42,949 It was me! 841 00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:48,232 It was me! It was me! 842 00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:49,389 It was me all along. 843 00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:51,154 Get them out of here! 844 00:45:53,240 --> 00:45:54,958 What are you doing? Come on, enough! 845 00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:56,269 Out! Get out! 846 00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:58,396 What do you think you're playing at? Get 'em outside. 847 00:45:58,480 --> 00:45:59,515 You've hurt me! 848 00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:01,397 Tiger, you've hurt me! 849 00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:03,232 I thought those two were a couple! 850 00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:09,435 Aw... It could bring a tear to a glass eye.