1
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,232
These sunbeds are never-ending.
2
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,192
You really shouldn't be doing this
at your age.
3
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:48,874
Is there no one to help you, Dad?
4
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:53,273
Not really, with all these cutbacks,
we seem to be permanently short-staffed.
5
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:54,349
I know what you mean.
6
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:55,429
I'm the only one
putting out these leaflets
7
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,670
for Blow and Go.
Kenneth's been no help at all.
8
00:00:57,880 --> 00:00:59,757
I know you're busy
but what about a helping hand?
9
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,877
Aw, thanks, Dad!
10
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,349
That's very kind of ya.
I'll see you later.
11
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,029
No, I meant...
12
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,192
Oh, bloody hell!
13
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,549
For crying out loud!
14
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:43,749
Oh, my God.
15
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,871
I ain't never drinking again.
16
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:00,869
Zach?
17
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,032
Zach, are you in the bog?
18
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:10,869
What...
19
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,029
Argh.
20
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:18,719
What's "tawt" mean?
21
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,510
And this one's Terra Mitica.
22
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,672
It's like theme park.
You like exciting rides?
23
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:29,909
Not really.
24
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,277
Excuse me. I've got an emergency.
25
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,029
Okay. Then maybe this one for you.
26
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,635
Aqualandia. It's a water park.
27
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,269
You like to get wet?
28
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,437
No. And my friend's allergic to water.
29
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:42,509
How can this be?
30
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,670
Is there anybody else here?
I've been robbed!
31
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:46,319
Can you please have some manners?
32
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:53,108
For this one, I can arrange discount
for the very prettiest girls.
33
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,675
Give me your number and I'll call you.
34
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:56,829
Why don't you go?
35
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,876
Since they do a discount
for pensioners as well.
36
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,235
What...
37
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,878
Mate, please, can you help me?
38
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:05,749
What is that written on your head?
39
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,672
I don't know. I woke up like this.
40
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,159
Can I use your phone to call the UK?
41
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,670
Are you crazy?
I am on pay when you go.
42
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,555
Oh, not your mobile.
I mean the hotel one.
43
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,514
I've been robbed.
Everything's been taken.
44
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,114
My phone, my wallet,
all my money, my credit cards.
45
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,191
Is there any way
I could use your phone, please?
46
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:23,435
What's going on here?
47
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,232
Mateo, apparently the pool
is covered in leaflets.
48
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:28,435
Could you sort it, please?
49
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,713
Joyce Temple Savage, Solana manageress.
Can I help you?
50
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,519
He wants to use the phone.
51
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,831
I did not realise we are now
labelling all the guests individually.
52
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:37,909
It's a good idea.
53
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,397
Mateo, the pool.
54
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,712
I, I need to use your phone.
55
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:47,669
Please?
56
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,158
We've overslept!
57
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,117
There's only 15 minutes
of breakfast left.
58
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,670
I'm going to have a shower later.
59
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,714
Do you want me to save you
a sausage bap?
60
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,279
Oh, no. I'll be down in a minute.
61
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,715
I just... I just need to rinse
my contacts.
62
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:41,391
Glynn, I'm over here.
- Oh, right. I'll see you in a bit.
63
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,471
Come on, come on.
64
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:03,709
Clive's phone.
65
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:05,872
Who's that? Is that Auntie Terri?
66
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,359
What have I told you
about calling me "auntie"?
67
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:08,999
You are my auntie.
68
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,559
I don't look old enough
to be your auntie.
69
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,710
No, you look old enough to me my gran.
70
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,276
Where's my dad?
- Your father's gone to the offy for me.
71
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,833
I'm still bad on me legs.
72
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,717
But what's he doing at your house?
73
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,789
He hates you.
74
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,393
I forgot me mobile.
75
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,357
It just rang. I think it's Tiger.
76
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,272
Tiger?
- Dad!
77
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:28,595
Can you send me some money?
78
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:30,029
What's going on?
79
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,832
I lost my wallet,
all my cards, everything.
80
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,399
I just need a couple hundred euros.
81
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,038
Can't your mate lend you some?
82
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,678
He's gone.
He's the one who took my wallet.
83
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,512
What's happened? What's he saying?
- Shut up.
84
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,591
Dad?
- I'll come out to ya.
85
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,832
What? No! I mean...
86
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,794
I don't want you and me mum
being dragged out here.
87
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,472
I just need some money.
88
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,790
I never said your mum, I said me.
89
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,438
They've had a row.
- Shut up!
90
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,351
She's chucked him out.
- Go in the other room!
91
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,078
No, I won't. This is my house.
92
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:57,798
She found a pair of knickers
in the glove compartment
93
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,030
of the Land Rover
and they weren't your dad's.
94
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,714
That's absolute drivel
and you know it, Terri.
95
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,199
Well, she didn't throw you out
for nothing.
96
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,157
I'm trying to talk to my son!
97
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,476
What did she just say? What's going on?
98
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,435
I'll get the next flight out there.
I should be with you by tonight.
99
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,110
If I can't get a flight today,
I'll ring ya.
100
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,668
Dad, why are you at Terri's?
What's going on?
101
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:18,875
I'll explain later.
102
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,948
What am I gonna do for money
until you get here?
103
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,998
Two words, son. All inclusive.
104
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:28,354
I'll speak to you later.
105
00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,158
You really don't let the truth
get in the way of a good story, do ya?
106
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,431
Did you get my vodka?
- Get it yourself.
107
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,390
Where you going?
- Luton Airport.
108
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:40,829
Bastard!
109
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,793
Three hours.
110
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,516
Three hours on the coach
to get from Alicante to Benidorm.
111
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:47,589
Here we go again.
112
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,831
I'm sure they dropped that last couple
off in Bridlington before we got here.
113
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,751
Oof, don't exaggerate, Mother!
114
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:53,829
Why did they drop us off last?
115
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,717
The coach went past here
about three times.
116
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:56,835
I'll tell you why.
117
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,150
'Cause Jonah Lomu here
was elbowing people in the gob
118
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,593
trying to get on the coach first.
119
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,113
Should be first in, first out.
120
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:03,793
How many times did I tell ya?
121
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,599
If your bags go on the coach first,
they're the last ones to come out.
122
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,069
It's blatant racism.
- How's it racism?
123
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,880
Everyone on the coach was British!
- The driver wasn't.
124
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,916
Oh, for God's sake!
125
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,514
Mrs Harvey! Welcome back to paradise.
126
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:17,909
Is everything all right?
127
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,633
Your coach should have been here
first thing.
128
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,308
Don't set her off again.
- Can I have your passports, please?
129
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,198
Oh, now. Been a fax for you, Mrs H.
130
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,555
A fax?
- Aye, some solicitors or something.
131
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,317
I didn't read it, of course,
but, uh, it did sound important.
132
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:33,919
Especially the bit at the end
133
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,831
where they say
they've been trying to track you down
134
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:36,955
for the last three years.
135
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,314
Three years?
136
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,158
What's this all about, Mum?
137
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,629
Nothing, it's nothing.
- Oh, Christ! What's she done now?
138
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,320
I've not done anything.
Just mind your own business.
139
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,152
Can you hurry up with these rooms?
140
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,231
Nana, if something's up,
you should tell us.
141
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,311
Can you just leave me alone?
142
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,194
Oh, I'll go.
- I'll come with you.
143
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,991
Oh, no, don't worry about me.
144
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:58,718
I'm fine to sort everything out here.
145
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,035
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
146
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,951
"Dear Mrs Harvey, we are contacting you
as the only surviving relative
147
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,632
"of Mr Melvyn Churchill Harvey
blah, blah, blah...
148
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,229
"This case has been on
for several years now,
149
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,309
"blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
150
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:24,589
Here we go.
151
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,717
"There had been considerable expense
in researching this case,
152
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,831
"but we're willing
to come to an arrangement
153
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,593
"by payment of a percentage
of any monies recovered."
154
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,519
It's just a scam letter.
What did you get so upset about?
155
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:36,829
Because it's just not nice.
156
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,992
People using your dead husband's name
to try and get money out of you.
157
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,310
No, it's not. And fancy sending it here.
158
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:44,477
Let's have a look.
- That's what's upset me.
159
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,956
I've had two letters at home,
but I've just ignored them.
160
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,872
Well, getting something here,
it's like they're following me.
161
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,071
It says
you are the only surviving relative
162
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,879
to the Collins family
of Tucsan, Arizona, USA.
163
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,390
Well, that's just rubbish.
How can I be related to anyone American?
164
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,955
There's no fat people with big guns
in our family.
165
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,155
"Please contact me
as a matter of great urgency.
166
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,390
"I'm available
on my personal cell phone.
167
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:09,869
"24/7.
168
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,471
"Yours sincerely, Mr Buck A. Roo.
169
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,710
"Probate Attorney,
Los Angeles, California."
170
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,155
Let's have a look.
171
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,635
"Buck A. Roo."
Are they taking the piss?
172
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,956
What are his kids called?
Twister and KerPlunk?
173
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,954
It's all right for you to laugh,
it's not you they're following.
174
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,871
Mam, it's just a scam.
175
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,110
And not a very convincing one
by the sound of it.
176
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,792
Just ignore it and it'll go away.
177
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,675
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
178
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,598
"24/7."
179
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,910
It's not even long enough
for a mobile phone number.
180
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,037
Yeah, I think that means
you can ring him at any time.
181
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,394
Well, it still upset me.
182
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,956
Well, I've got a way
of resolving all this.
183
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,510
There you go. All sorted.
184
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:50,638
Now, if anyone wants me,
I'll be in my office.
185
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,598
Lesley, is Blow and Go opened yet?
186
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,275
You've got to be joking, man,
it's nowhere near midday.
187
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,913
I've been calling Kenneth all morning.
188
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,952
What are you looking for? Just a trim?
189
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,155
Why don't you just give
our Liam a call?
190
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,118
No, no. I need to speak to Kenneth.
191
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,749
It is more... How do you say... personal.
192
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,232
Oh, you're not to have one of them
vajazzles, are you?
193
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,309
What?
194
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,197
Oh, no, it can't be that for men.
195
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,589
Eh, a peejazzle?
196
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,270
I have no idea whatsoever
what you are talking about.
197
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,878
Lesley. Why are you behind this desk?
198
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:36,033
It's where I work.
Well, some of the time.
199
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,429
I fired off a global this morning.
200
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,275
It'll be that prawn curry
from last night.
201
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,555
I was fine
but then I had the toad-in-the-hole.
202
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,232
I fired off a global email
203
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,710
instructing all staff
of the time of their appraisals.
204
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,439
Oh. Sorry.
205
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,437
You are 10 minutes late.
My office, now.
206
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,430
Oi, Casanova. You're on in 15 minutes.
207
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:06,759
On what in 15 minutes?
208
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:13,238
Hola. Kenneth. Kenneth.
I need to speak to you. Wait here.
209
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,392
Kenneth, I need your help.
- Right, hang on.
210
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,598
I'm in a little bit of a hurry...
- Shh!
211
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,359
Right, let's have a look.
- I have something that...
212
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:36,274
Shh! No. Don't interrupt
while my muse is upon me.
213
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,717
I see an '80s wedge...
- But...
214
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:46,237
No, wait, number four crop,
hint of a centre parting,
215
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,992
bit like a soot-covered bog brush.
216
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,357
Otherwise known as a "Simon Cowell".
217
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,438
Kenneth, I don't need a...
- No, I know, a Mohican.
218
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,990
You've got a whiff of Daniel Day-Lewis
about you already.
219
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,997
Mind you, not so much
Last of the Mohicans,
220
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,069
more My Left Foot.
221
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,072
Kenneth, will you please listen to me?
I have a big problem.
222
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,832
Right.
223
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,751
That's Edith done up the campsite.
224
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,555
We've gone mobile.
- Turn round, show him.
225
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,275
"Blow and Go Mobile.
We bring the mountain to Mohammed.
226
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:14,679
"All religions catered for."
227
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,158
Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
228
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:18,559
Actually, I wanted to talk to you
about this.
229
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:19,868
Don't you think it's a bit racist?
230
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:20,949
Racist?
231
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,871
Are you joking? It's the opposite.
It means we do everybody.
232
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:23,989
Have you never seen me
233
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,354
with a pair of pinking shears
and an Afro?
234
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:29,155
How about, "Blow and Go Mobile.
You do the dialling, we do the styling."
235
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,198
No, no, that's too boring.
I did have one other.
236
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,069
"Blow and Go Mobile.
237
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,912
"Don't leave the house,
we'll blow you right there."
238
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,271
That's disgusting!
- No, it's not. It's eye-catching.
239
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,793
Kenneth!
- What do you want?
240
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,791
Hello. We're still waiting.
241
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,235
Now I have to go.
- Go on then, we're not stopping ya.
242
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,349
Is anybody there?
243
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,115
Argh!
244
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,189
Honestly.
245
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:53,352
"Dial-a-Do."
- No.
246
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,873
"Cut to the Chase."
- Shut up.
247
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,993
So you see, Lesley,
with recent year-end cutbacks
248
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,878
and the ongoing financial crisis
in Spain,
249
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:06,158
Solana CEO Crystal Hennessey-Vass
breathing down my neck
250
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,356
like a bull mastiff with halitosis,
251
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,229
my hands are tied.
252
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,833
I still don't understand.
253
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,879
You want me to help you
with the staff cutbacks?
254
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,872
That's exactly right.
255
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:21,551
Well, I mean, apart from your core team,
which you'll obviously want to keep,
256
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,998
I can only think of Jesus
in Maintenance.
257
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,639
Or that girl in the kitchen
with the dry skin and the onion chaser.
258
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:30,709
Onion chaser?
259
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,597
Yeah, she's got no gnashers,
260
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,035
apart from a single tooth
at the front of her mouth.
261
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,038
I think her name's Juanita. One-eater!
262
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,236
Heh-heh-heh.
263
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:42,629
Sorry.
264
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,838
The staff cutbacks to which I refer
include you.
265
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,478
Oh, for a moment I thought...
266
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,358
What?
- I know what you're going to say.
267
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,556
Witch hunt.
- What about Juanita?
268
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,437
She looks much more like a witch
than me.
269
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:59,753
No, I mean,
you are one of several members of staff
270
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,071
whom we sadly have to let go.
271
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,073
I don't know what to say.
I love it here.
272
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,629
It's not just a job. It's me life.
273
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,791
But, when one door closes,
274
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,310
another swings gently ajar.
275
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:23,435
We do have another positon available.
It's less money, but...
276
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,272
Less money? How can it be less?
277
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,157
I'm trying to help you here, Lesley!
278
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,800
I know you are.
As long as it's not cleaning.
279
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,636
I cannae stand the thought of me
being on me hands and knees all day.
280
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:34,709
Not at my age.
281
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,433
Lesley. There you are.
282
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,431
You will not believe
what just happened to me.
283
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,195
Why you dressed like a cleaner?
284
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,158
Because I am a bloody cleaner.
285
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,792
Temple Savage sacked me
and then reinstated me as a cleaner.
286
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,355
She sacked me, too.
287
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,795
Then offered me a job
as a junior barman.
288
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,952
Junior! I am forty-f...
289
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,196
Almost 40.
How can they make me a junior?
290
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,237
That woman has got more front
than Blackpool.
291
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,753
What does this mean?
- I just mean she's got some brass neck
292
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,554
to think that she can get away
with this whole setup being a sham.
293
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:12,629
Sham?
294
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,518
Basically, she's now saving
hundreds of euros a week.
295
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:16,589
And I'll be a monkey's uncle
296
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,318
if it's not going
straight into her coffers.
297
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:19,469
Wait a minute.
298
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:21,109
I don't understand.
299
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,192
She's a crook. A swindler.
A snake in the grass.
300
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:25,594
We've all been hoodwinked.
301
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,749
And people say they have a problem
to understand me.
302
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,831
I'm sorry for you to wait.
I have been demolished to junior barman.
303
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,512
So it's very difficult for me.
304
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,394
You are okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
305
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,750
Beer?
- No, I'm good.
306
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,319
We do a very good breakfast lager.
307
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,630
I'll have an orange juice.
- Okay, no problem.
308
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,357
Is your phone ever switched on?
- Hey, Mikey!
309
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,670
Is everything all right?
- Not really.
310
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,038
I Facebooked you from the airport.
311
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,315
Sent you a couple of texts
and I tried ringing you as well.
312
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,158
Drink for you?
- Coke, please.
313
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:20,675
Where's your mate?
314
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,435
Zach? He's gone. Left last night.
315
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,232
What? Gone home?
- I don't know.
316
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,476
He took my money,
credit cards, everything.
317
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:29,834
What sort of a mate's that?
318
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,309
I only met him
a week before we came to Benidorm.
319
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,233
I don't know where he lives.
320
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,315
I even lent him the money
to pay for his holiday.
321
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,594
Oh, my God, nightmare.
322
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:39,669
I know. I know.
323
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,708
Come and sit with us.
- Cheers, I might do later.
324
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,234
I just got to sort some stuff out
before me dad gets here.
325
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,355
Your dad's coming?
326
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,556
It's a long story.
Listen, I'll see you later.
327
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,032
Tiger, you do know you've got "twat"
written on your forehead, don't ya?
328
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,229
Twat?
329
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,189
You're joking!
330
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,555
I looked in the mirror
and I thought it said "tawt".
331
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:58,914
Why would it say tawt?
332
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,439
I've no idea.
333
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,118
I don't know. I'll see you later.
334
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,798
She shouldn't get away
with this. It's outrageous.
335
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:07,869
It is.
336
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,110
It's illegal.
- Probably.
337
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,636
And that tabard's doing nothing
for your schoolgirl figure.
338
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,871
Exactly. I mean, I could customise it,
but it's not the point.
339
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,508
What about a demonstration?
340
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,599
Well, I thought I'd pinch the waist in
a bit like that
341
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:26,832
and then maybe pull the neckline down
a bit further.
342
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,593
I didn't mean the tabard,
I meant positive action.
343
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,148
Picket lines. Posters.
Local news coverage.
344
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,998
Oh, we've tried all that before.
345
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,511
What we need is ammunition.
346
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:37,995
We can't shoot her.
347
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,633
No, we can't. We haven't got a gun.
348
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,559
I mean a different sort of ammunition.
Evidence.
349
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:43,709
Well, where we gonna get that?
350
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,280
Ah, I think that's where I come in.
351
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,389
Heh-heh.
352
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,030
Hiya. Didn't know you were here.
353
00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:01,109
Oh, hola!
Oh, yeah, we arrived last night.
354
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,959
I hope you don't need the loo.
355
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,031
It's closed down here
and the lifts are out of order.
356
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,553
Oh, I know.
357
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:10,076
Six flights of stairs
I had to walk down.
358
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,872
I'm not used to working so hard
for me sausage in the morning.
359
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,000
Sorry it took me so long.
You know the lift's not working?
360
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,752
Yeah, we were just saying.
361
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,398
It's Janice, isn't it?
- Yeah.
362
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,395
This is Glynn.
363
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,595
Hello.
- Hello.
364
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,516
Glynn's from Wales.
- Oh, lovely!
365
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,116
It's his first time in Benidorm.
366
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:34,588
Are you enjoying it?
367
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,190
Well, it's early days yet.
368
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:42,113
Glynn's wife, Riannon,
is on holiday in France
369
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,997
with my husband, Donald.
370
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:45,909
I see.
371
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,109
Right.
372
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:50,429
Well, good luck with that.
373
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,478
See you later.
- See ya.
374
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,310
Jacqueline, I was wondering
375
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,755
if we would go somewhere quiet
for a coffee.
376
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,634
Well, there's Rag Time's.
377
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:06,315
But it seems such a shame
to go inside when the sun's shining.
378
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,391
I mean somewhere away from the hotel.
379
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,791
Oh, but it's all-inclusive here.
- That's okay, I'll pay.
380
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,949
Oh, right! Lovely!
Let me just have a quick wee.
381
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,236
Whoo-hoo-hoo. That's fresh!
382
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,359
Won't be a minute.
383
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,029
Mmm.
384
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,239
You all right?
- Not really. Tiger's just been robbed.
385
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,552
I'm not surprised.
The lad's a menace to society.
386
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:37,669
No, he's not.
387
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:41,037
Last year, when you hung about with him,
you ended up drunk with a tattoo.
388
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:42,879
It'll only be a matter of hours
389
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,678
before you've got a bone
through your nose.
390
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,593
What does that even mean?
- It means he's an animal.
391
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,513
Poor lad. Who's robbed him?
- Someone he came on holiday with.
392
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,152
Exactly. You lay down with dogs,
you pick up fleas.
393
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:55,879
Oh, give it up, will ya?
394
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,951
Right, young man,
two beers for me and your mam
395
00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,075
and a saucer of milk for your nana.
396
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,272
Brandy.
- I've just sat down.
397
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,152
Yeah, well, now you're just getting up.
398
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,832
Come on, stretch your arms around.
Move it.
399
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,838
I'm supposed to be on holiday
as well, you know.
400
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,118
Good day, Joyce Temple Savage,
Solana manageress.
401
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,475
Is one of you Mrs Harvey?
- Who wants to know?
402
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,511
She's just told you,
Joyce Temple Savage.
403
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,352
I'll take that as a yes.
404
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,233
Um, a Mr Roo has left a message for you.
405
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,674
Apparently, he's lost his wallet
at the airport
406
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,440
and he's asking you
if you can leave 100 euros
407
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,080
in an envelope for him at reception.
408
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,195
100 euros?
409
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,591
That's right. Most people here
didn't pay that for their holiday.
410
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,634
Yes, anyway... To whom it may concern.
411
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,593
Airport?
Well, what's he doing, coming here?
412
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,389
Oh, my God!
I told you they were following me.
413
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,192
Well, there you go.
It all makes sense now.
414
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:47,639
What do you mean, it all makes sense?
415
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,314
Come on. You don't have to be
Cagney and Lacey to crack this one.
416
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,868
It's someone who works here.
- I don't understand.
417
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,029
You don't have to.
418
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,515
'Cause I am gonna put an envelope
at reception
419
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:57,669
and me and lazy-arse here
420
00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:59,352
are gonna wait and see who picks it up.
421
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:00,595
What, like a stake-out?
422
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,512
After you get the drinks in.
423
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,270
Do you not think
we should call the police?
424
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,635
What for? No crime's been committed yet.
425
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,797
Until whoever we grab
gets his head smacked in.
426
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,197
What? By you?
You couldn't smack your lips.
427
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,353
I'm off to get some cigs.
428
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:18,829
You're welcome!
429
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,749
Get out the way!
430
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,748
Four sugars.
- Lovely!
431
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,634
Well, this is a treat.
432
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,390
Jacqueline, I'm afraid
I've had a change of heart.
433
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,472
Oh, you want me to pay for the coffees?
434
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:46,394
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I mean, about the um, wife swap.
435
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:47,959
Oh, right.
436
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,760
I don't suppose
that's such a huge surprise.
437
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,308
Well, when you got up to the room
last night,
438
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,513
barricaded your door with the wardrobe
439
00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:00,235
and shouted, "Come anywhere near me
and I'll call the police,"
440
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,949
I did have me suspicions.
441
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,794
I'm sorry.
Those two lager shandies hit me hard.
442
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:11,631
See, it's not that you're unattractive,
that's got nothing to do with it.
443
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:13,034
It's just that, well,
444
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,476
Riannon and I had been going through
a bit of a bad patch,
445
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,393
and being very open-minded people,
446
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,596
as you know, we're both naturists,
we just thought...
447
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,671
So you're not swingers?
448
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,954
No, not at all.
449
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:28,435
Oh, dear.
450
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,199
And that's not all.
451
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,313
I got a message from Riannon
this morning.
452
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,158
"Having a fabulous time.
Donald is amazing.
453
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:40,038
"See you in a few days, Riray."
454
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:42,794
Well, just ring her
and say you don't feel the same.
455
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,754
No, don't you see?
This is what she wants.
456
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,273
She doesn't want me.
457
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:53,754
She'd rather have some huge, overweight,
red-faced buffoon bearing down on her.
458
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,234
None taken.
459
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,799
What have I done?
460
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,319
What have I done to her?
461
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,750
What have I done? What have I done?
462
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,319
Now remember, Betty,
463
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,153
don't stand up till I turn this off
and remove the hood.
464
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:12,832
When your hair caught fire last time,
465
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,876
it was a waste
of a perfectly good pint of lager.
466
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,670
You all right, love?
467
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:18,829
Kenneth?
468
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:20,439
I need to speak to you.
469
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,239
Glad that you've turned up.
I've just send Liam off to find Lesley.
470
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,789
Apparently, she's dug up some dirt
on Temple Savage.
471
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,472
Oh, but I need to speak to you
in private.
472
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,432
What do you mean, in private?
We're all in the same boat.
473
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,272
No, you don't understand.
I have a prob...
474
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,556
Shall we go somewhere
a bit more private?
475
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,200
Oh, don't worry about Betty.
She can't hear a thing under that dryer.
476
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,271
What about Temple Savage?
She's just across the hall.
477
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:40,953
Ooh. I know.
478
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,716
Hello. Shop!
479
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,718
I think you might be needed.
- Argh!
480
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:48,915
Is there anybody about?
481
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:56,229
Yes?
482
00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:59,750
Hello, yeah. Can you tell me what room
my son Tiger Dyke is in?
483
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,275
Tiger what?
- Tiger. Tiger Dyke.
484
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,270
Do you not remember us from last year?
- No.
485
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:09,671
Ah, yes. Now I remember you.
486
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,793
Your eyes, they look much more piggy
without your, er...
487
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,229
I forgot how to say gafas.
488
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,469
Okay, let me check.
- Did you just say, "piggy"?
489
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:21,280
What is your son's name?
- Tiger Dyke!
490
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,590
Okay, okay, don't shout.
491
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,557
And I booked a room online as well.
492
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:27,638
And your surname?
- Dyke!
493
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,149
You are Tiger Dyke?
494
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,710
I thought that was your son's name.
- My son is Tiger Dyke,
495
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,430
I am Clive Dyke.
496
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:40,157
Good afternoon, Joyce Temple Savage,
Solana manageress. How can I...
497
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:42,995
Oh, it's you.
498
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:46,032
That's just the sort of welcome
I expected from this place.
499
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,679
Well, you came back.
500
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,436
Your all-inclusive wristband
and your room key.
501
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:52,638
Thank you, Mateo.
I'll deal with this now.
502
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,714
I have just dealed with it.
- Pool bar.
503
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,669
I am serving the Dyke.
- Pool bar!
504
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,510
Welcome back to the Solana,
Mr, um, Dyke.
505
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,033
I trust you'll have
another enjoyable stay with us.
506
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:15,033
I only came here to look after my boy.
He got robbed while he was here.
507
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,430
Probably something to do
with the company he keeps.
508
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,393
Yeah, or the crappy hotel
he's staying in.
509
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,473
No pleasing some people.
510
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,277
Hello, Kenneth? Hello, can you hear me?
511
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:36,519
Oh, typical!
512
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:42,479
I think she's gone.
513
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,317
Sorry about that, Betty, love.
I'll turn you back on now.
514
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,439
Right, as I was saying.
515
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,114
Not only has she reduced
all staff wages,
516
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,392
I found an internal memo
from Joyce to Hennessey-Vass.
517
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,716
Says she's going to start
sacking people, too.
518
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:57,915
It's outrageous.
519
00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:59,877
I'm not surprised.
That woman's pure evil.
520
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:01,912
How have you had access
to internal emails?
521
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,438
Well, sometimes being the lowly cleaner
has its perks.
522
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:06,949
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
523
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:21,628
So, come on,
524
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:23,950
you haven't mentioned a word
about me mum yet.
525
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,196
I texted her
but she said, "Everything fine."
526
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:27,754
Yeah, well, she would.
527
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,760
It's all a case
of what the neighbours might think.
528
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,990
I'm not her neighbour. I'm her son.
529
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,789
Tiger, your mother and I have been
going through a bit of a rough patch.
530
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,989
For how long?
- About 23 years.
531
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:41,952
You've only been married for 22.
532
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,230
Yeah, well, no one can say
I wasn't warned.
533
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,439
You're splitting up, then?
- No, we're not splitting up!
534
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,671
We ain't staying together.
But we're not splitting up.
535
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:53,513
What is that supposed to mean?
536
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:58,759
Well, all I can say is that
this little break for us, me being here,
537
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:01,917
will probably do us the world of good.
538
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,514
I don't want you to split up.
539
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:05,788
But I want you both to be happy.
540
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,472
Happy? Happy, yeah, oh, I remember that.
541
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,872
Meanwhile, I've got a great idea
for tonight.
542
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:14,949
Oh, yeah, what's that?
543
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,116
We both get absolutely hammered.
544
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,277
You know something, son.
You're not as stupid as you look.
545
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,793
Like father, like son.
546
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,354
Hey, give 'em back.
547
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,358
I can't see nuffink without 'em.
548
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:33,751
Oi. Oi, come back.
549
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,155
Tiger! Tiger, come back here!
550
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:39,839
Do you want one more for the roads?
551
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:41,269
What?
552
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:42,469
Another shandy?
553
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:46,236
Oh, how many have I had?
I've lost count.
554
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:48,069
Two.
555
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,993
Ooh, I'd better not.
My head's spinning as it is.
556
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,830
Oh, you're there!
I've been looking everywhere for you.
557
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,235
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been licking my wounds.
558
00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:59,152
Have you spoken to your wife?
559
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,357
No, but we've been texting each other.
560
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,068
I tried to suggest
that maybe we'd made a mistake.
561
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,317
But she was too busy telling me
what a great time she was having.
562
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:11,509
She also told me your Donald
had organised the wife swap
563
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:12,953
for your anniversary.
564
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,600
Well, he's a very romantic man.
565
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,956
Yes, but for your
25th wedding anniversary.
566
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,834
I'm sorry, I, I just don't understand.
567
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,919
Donald and I love each other dearly.
568
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,958
But we also love trying new things.
569
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,349
I'm sorry, are you waiting to close?
- No, no, it's fine.
570
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:35,349
Where was I?
571
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,154
You and your husband
love trying new things.
572
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:42,034
Thank you. We love trying new things.
573
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:47,075
And what makes it all even better,
is we know we'll always have each other.
574
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:49,475
Yes, but, where's the romance?
575
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,957
What can I say? Some days are romantic
576
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:55,232
and some days we're going at it
577
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,357
like hammer and tongs
with complete strangers.
578
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,395
Variety is the spice of life.
579
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:05,358
Do you want me
to call your wife for you?
580
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,749
No, no, no, no.
Let's just leave it for now.
581
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:09,319
Right.
582
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:10,674
Have a little siesta
583
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:13,399
and then we'll have some tea
in Neptune's.
584
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,074
And work out what to do next.
585
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,756
Oh, they do a smashing
toad-in-the-hole here.
586
00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:23,192
Only in Benidorm.
587
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:34,954
Dad, we've been here ages.
He's not coming, is he?
588
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:36,991
Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
589
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:38,515
What does that mean?
590
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,438
It means shut up moaning
and go and get me a beer.
591
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:46,234
Hey up, here we go. Here we go.
592
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:52,395
What are you doing?
- I'm going undercover.
593
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:56,235
Why are you hiding your face?
594
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:57,959
He doesn't know
what you look like anyway.
595
00:29:58,080 --> 00:29:59,274
Shut up! Shut up!
596
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:02,835
Here we go.
597
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:04,553
- Hola.
- Hola.
598
00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:09,832
Oh, no, no, no, no. This is the Solana.
The hotel...
599
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:11,109
No, no, which way?
600
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:16,068
Up there, turn left.
About 200 yards on the right-hand side.
601
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:17,195
All right, thank you.
- Adiós, amigo.
602
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:20,714
Bollocks! Thought we had our man then.
603
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:24,519
I'm bored, I'm off to find Tiger.
- No, you're not.
604
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,394
You got no idea how important
your role in all this is.
605
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:30,715
Oh, yeah. What is my role?
606
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,436
Head of refreshments. Off you pop.
607
00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:35,798
If you're a good lad,
you can have a shandy.
608
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:45,350
Don't know what I'd do
if I came into a lot of money.
609
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:47,710
Well, you can do something
with your hair for a start.
610
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,069
What's that mean?
611
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:52,318
You've always had split ends.
And dry skin.
612
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:54,637
It's not your fault.
It runs in the family.
613
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:55,869
Thanks.
614
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:57,837
My mother was practically bald.
615
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:01,994
Nana Vera? No, she wasn't.
- Bald, with a big, dry square head.
616
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:04,237
She looked like a Greggs Steak Bake.
617
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,630
Woman down our street
won 100,000 last year.
618
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,475
£100,000.
I wouldn't know what to do with it.
619
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:11,636
You don't know what to do with it?
Give it to me.
620
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:13,517
I'd give you 10,000.
621
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:17,191
20,000 to our Michael for a deposit
on a house.
622
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,635
I'd give our Chantelle...
- 10,000?
623
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,553
Eh?
- You'd only give me 10,000?
624
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:24,199
Hey, 10,000 is a lot of money.
625
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:26,714
I've sacrificed my whole life for you,
626
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,753
wrecked my bodily functions
to bring you into this world,
627
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:31,910
and you'd keep 90,000 for yourself?
628
00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:34,719
No, I just said
I'd give our Michael 20,000...
629
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,560
Oh, I see, so he gets
twice as much as me?
630
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:38,755
Hang on, I haven't finished...
631
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,798
Oh, no, frig the lot of you,
if that's how you're gonna treat me.
632
00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,434
It's hypothetic.
- It is pathetic.
633
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:47,917
10,000 quid for the gift of life!
634
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:49,115
For God's sake!
635
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,158
I'm gonna get another cup of tea.
Do you want one?
636
00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:54,994
No. You'll probably keep 90%
of that for yourself as well.
637
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,391
Hang on, here we go.
638
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:08,389
We're on.
639
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:11,829
Go on.
640
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:17,349
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
641
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:19,948
Yah!
642
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:21,029
Hey, hey!
643
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:22,109
Get the envelope! Get it!
644
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:23,189
I've got it.
- What are you doing?
645
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:24,838
Dad...
646
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:26,876
Stop struggling, you're going nowhere!
647
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,633
This old toro
thinks it's clever to con...
648
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:30,994
Dad!
- Hang on a minute, son.
649
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:32,513
...to con pensioners out of...
650
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:33,874
Dad!
- What?
651
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:35,389
This isn't our envelope.
652
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,229
Que pasa?
653
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:39,435
This is Mario.
654
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:41,988
He has just collected a list
for the bullfight trip tomorrow.
655
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,431
What?
- He's a holiday rep.
656
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:48,589
Oh, right.
657
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:50,513
Get up.
- Sorry, about that, pal.
658
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,751
So, our envelope's
still behind here, is it?
659
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,876
What is your envelope?
- Ah, never mind.
660
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:56,552
Come on, better go and check
on your nana.
661
00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:58,599
What about our 100 euros?
662
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:00,871
I didn't put any money
in the envelope behind the desk.
663
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:02,359
I'm not a complete idiot.
664
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:30,957
See, son, the thing about
your mother and me is,
665
00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:34,595
it's all about compatibility.
666
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,829
But, you've been together for 20 years.
You must be compatible.
667
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:41,873
Well, that's where another word
comes in.
668
00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:44,349
Tolerance.
669
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,760
She's tolerated you for this long?
What's different now?
670
00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:51,116
Not me! I've tolerated her!
671
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,399
Then she chucked me out.
672
00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:56,149
But you must still have feelings
for her.
673
00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:57,389
I do.
674
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,078
I do have feelings for her.
675
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,158
It's difficult to describe.
676
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:05,508
So I'm gonna do it in a song.
677
00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:07,756
No, Dad. Dad, please don't. Dad! Dad!
678
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,709
Not gonna leave that, are you?
679
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:15,637
I don't seem to have
much of an appetite.
680
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:20,508
Oh, it's Donald.
681
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:22,789
Hiya.
682
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:26,357
Aw, happy anniversary to you, too.
683
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,715
Glynn? Uh, well...
684
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,394
No, he's fine.
685
00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:34,113
Okay, love.
686
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,753
Yeah, you get off.
This must be costing a fortune.
687
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,071
Night-night. Love you.
Happy anniversary!
688
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:47,270
I'm sorry. I just can't get my head
around this whole situation.
689
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:49,955
And I've nobody to blame but myself.
690
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,838
Thank you very much.
Enjoy the rest of your evening!
691
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:08,955
Good night.
692
00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:14,870
Thank you there,
to Mick and Janice Gravy.
693
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:17,988
Now, a round of applause for Clive.
694
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:27,157
I'd like to dedicate this song
695
00:35:27,240 --> 00:35:30,118
to my wife of 20 years.
696
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:33,429
And I mean every,
697
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:36,159
every single word.
698
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:42,031
♪ Ohh
699
00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:48,911
♪ No, no, no
700
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:58,033
♪ See, I don't know why
701
00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:00,597
♪ I liked you so much
702
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:05,432
♪ I gave you all of my trust
703
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:11,912
♪ I told you I loved you
704
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,788
♪ Now that is all down the drain,
you put me through pain
705
00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:18,634
♪ I want to let you know how I feel
706
00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:23,076
♪ Fuck what I said,
it don't mean shit now
707
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,558
♪ Fuck the presents,
you might as well throw 'em out
708
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,872
♪ Fuck all the kisses,
they don't mean jack
709
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:33,431
♪ Fuck you, you ho,
I don't want you back!
710
00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:36,075
Dad, Dad, what are you doing?
-
711
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:37,718
Just sit down! Sit down!
712
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,553
-
- Oh, for God's sake!
713
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,758
♪ Keep this shit from me, yeah
714
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:47,200
♪ You bad bitch, I heard the story
715
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:50,158
♪ You played me, you even gave...
716
00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:52,674
Give it back!
717
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:54,718
Give it, give it, give it!
-
718
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:57,837
Hey! Give me the...
- Give it to me!
719
00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:02,475
Oh, Clive there with a very
personal message to his wife.
720
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:06,398
Apologies to any children listening.
721
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:11,789
We do have some
unscheduled entertainment later on.
722
00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:13,549
But while we wait for that,
723
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:16,234
play some music, Darren.
724
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,758
What kind of a song was that
for a man to sing for his wife?
725
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:29,999
Well, I've always said,
honesty is the best policy.
726
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:32,594
Yes, but where's all the romance
in the world?
727
00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:33,908
That's what I'd like to know.
728
00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:36,800
I mean, here you're sitting
with a complete stranger
729
00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:40,152
on your 25th wedding anniversary!
730
00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:41,798
The world's gone mad.
731
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:43,472
Oh, I don't know.
732
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:46,712
People don't have to live
in each other's pockets.
733
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:51,359
Sometimes,
absence makes the heart grow fonder.
734
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,398
Er, a word, please, Mrs Temple Savage?
735
00:37:58,120 --> 00:37:59,109
Yes, can I help?
736
00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:03,637
Er, well, there's no nice way
of putting this but, er,
737
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,949
you've been caught with your pants down.
738
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:10,274
What a charming turn of phrase.
Could you elaborate?
739
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:14,592
Well, with the situation with
demoting most of the staff.
740
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:17,349
What about it?
- We have received intelligence...
741
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:21,189
It's been a long time coming,
but I can only see that as a good thing.
742
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:22,429
No, hang on, let me finish.
743
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:25,916
We have received intelligence
744
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:29,117
regarding your not-so-little
wages fiddle.
745
00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:30,309
Fiddle?
746
00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:34,513
I'm sorry. What are you talking about?
- It's disgusting!
747
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:36,955
As soon as all this comes out,
your head will be on a pole.
748
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:38,713
When all what comes out?
749
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:40,950
I did not want to believe it,
Mrs Temple Savage,
750
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:44,271
but it seems the evidence against you
is incongestible.
751
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:49,348
None of you are making any sense,
which I realise is hardly headline news,
752
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:51,510
but I would like to know
what I'm being accused of.
753
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:54,473
We know that the cuts you've made
to our pay packets
754
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:55,675
are going in your pocket.
755
00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,033
I'm sorry, we've made a decision.
We're not calling the police,
756
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:02,556
but I will be calling Hennessey-Vass
first thing in the morning.
757
00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:06,155
I wouldn't do that if I were you,
because she thinks you've been sacked.
758
00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:07,832
Oh, we all know that as well...
759
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:09,709
Been sacked?
760
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:13,191
I had instructions from
Crystal Hennessey-Vass to make cutbacks,
761
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:17,034
namely, to let two of the highest
earning members of staff go.
762
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:18,668
But I couldn't do it.
763
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:22,310
So, I made small cuts to wages
across the board instead,
764
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:23,549
including my own.
765
00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:26,277
I know it's going to be
a tough few months,
766
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:31,031
but I'll slowly increase your money
with the odd bonus and small pay rises.
767
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:33,149
That's the best I can do.
768
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:34,949
Oops.
769
00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:38,119
Right. I'd better go
and introduce this group.
770
00:39:39,240 --> 00:39:40,229
Hmm.
771
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,233
Well done, Jessica Fletcher,
another case solved.
772
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:54,917
Now, in a slight change
to our advertised evening of karaoke,
773
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,675
may I present to you,
Benidorm's own tribute
774
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:00,558
to The Stylistics!
775
00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:10,279
Happy anniversary, Jacqueline.
From your devoted husband, Donald.
776
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:14,674
From Donald, for you.
777
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:23,231
That's nice.
- Yes!
778
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,269
There she is. Go and talk to her.
779
00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:35,711
Mrs Temple Savage.
I just want to apologise
780
00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:40,272
about the er, slight confusion
we've just had.
781
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:41,588
Don't worry about it, Lesley.
782
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:43,557
These are desperate times
we're living in.
783
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:44,789
I totally understand.
784
00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:46,677
I never believed
in the vicious rumours anyway.
785
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,950
What, even though you started them?
- Ow!
786
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,556
Although, the next time you think
you've caught me with my pants down,
787
00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:56,834
let's talk, rather than you
trying to pull them up for me.
788
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:02,791
I need a drink.
- Come on, I'll help you.
789
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:06,029
Kenneth.
790
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:09,037
You know, I've been trying
to talk to you all day.
791
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:10,753
Have you?
- Yes!
792
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:13,751
I need to ask you
to do something for me.
793
00:41:16,240 --> 00:41:20,153
Well, go on, then.
- No, it is... personal.
794
00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:22,510
Oh, yeah?
- I don't want anyone else to hear.
795
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:25,349
Well, then whisper it.
796
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:33,229
Oh, my God!
797
00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:36,039
Please, Kenneth. It is a secret.
798
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:37,553
Well, we've all got them, love.
799
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,590
Lola, a woman in the old town,
she used to do it for me.
800
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:43,193
I bet she did.
801
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,873
Please, Kenneth, you will do it for me?
802
00:41:52,240 --> 00:41:54,674
Meet me in the salon.
I'll be there in two minutes.
803
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:58,471
Slippery Nipple?
- Yeah, two.
804
00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:12,550
Everything's gonna be all right, son.
805
00:42:13,720 --> 00:42:15,073
Have you spoke to me mum?
806
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:17,997
Not since we had the row, no.
807
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:22,395
Maybe you just need
a bit of time apart.
808
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:26,276
Yeah, maybe that's all we need.
Bit of time apart.
809
00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:31,400
The next 20 years
should just about do it.
810
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,030
Okay, Neptune's.
Let's get you on your feet.
811
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:50,473
You all know this next one.
812
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:10,308
I am just going to have a drink
with Tiger.
813
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:11,549
Oh, that's it.
814
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:14,639
Next time we see him,
he'll be drugged up to the eyeballs
815
00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:16,870
floating face-down in the pool.
816
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,833
Right, no alcohol
and stay where we can see you.
817
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:20,909
Yeah, all right.
818
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:22,679
Come on, are we having a dance?
- Oh, yeah.
819
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:25,228
Oh, that's it, leave me here on me own.
820
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:28,153
Come and have a dance.
- Oh, no, I don't want to be a burden.
821
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:30,798
Well, go on, just leave me here.
822
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:33,550
You'd think I'd be used
to your selfishness by now.
823
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:34,675
What?
824
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:35,909
My mother got annoyed this afternoon
825
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:37,149
because I wouldn't share
me winnings with her.
826
00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:39,152
What winnings?
- It's a long story.
827
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:41,630
Hey, it's a shame
Buck A. Roo didn't turn up.
828
00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:42,869
You could have shared
your winnings with us.
829
00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:43,949
Ha-ha-ha.
830
00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:59,274
Well, fancy seeing you here.
831
00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:01,518
Please, Kenneth, don't make fun of me.
832
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:05,595
Don't worry, Mateo. We all have needs.
833
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:10,959
So, the woman who usually does you,
when did she leave town?
834
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:12,149
Uh, three weeks ago.
835
00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:14,557
I can sort out
getting touched up myself,
836
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:17,279
but it gets to a point
where I need the full head.
837
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:23,397
Well, lie back and think of España.
838
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:36,512
I think we should go for Midnight Dream.
839
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:38,518
I think dyeing your hair
double jet black
840
00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:40,909
might make people think
you're sponsored by Magic Marker.
841
00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:44,109
So,
842
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:47,671
going anywhere nice for your holidays?
843
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:16,030
Mrs Madge Harvey?
844
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:20,314
Yeah. Yeah, I'm Madge.
845
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:23,758
My name is Buck. Buck A. Roo.
846
00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:28,154
You're a very difficult lady
to get a hold of.
847
00:45:28,240 --> 00:45:32,119
I can't quite believe
I've finally found you.
848
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:50,036
Ripped By mstoll