1 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,360 Stand by. I will need your help. 2 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,400 This one is crazy. 3 00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,800 Hola. Hello, love. 4 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,000 Do you know you are too early for breakfast? 5 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,080 You are going to have to wait at least another half hour. 6 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,240 It's all right, love. 7 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,280 I was just enjoying the view. 8 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,360 Oh, I can move if I'm in your way. 9 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,280 No, no, you can stay here. The view's all-inclusive. 10 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,960 Have you ever thought why we're here? 11 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,960 I am at work, you are on holiday. 12 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,560 No, I mean, why we're put on the earth in the first place - 13 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,600 what's it all about? 14 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,560 I am sorry, I am not qualified to answer these questions. 15 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,240 I suggest you try business centre. They have the inter-web there. 16 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,920 What's going on? Where's the breakfast? 17 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,760 You are too early. 18 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,560 Oh! I'll kill that DJ from Cafe B. 19 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,280 He always plays Islands In The Stream at a quarter to eight 20 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,160 so I know I've got 15 minutes to get here, to get my breakfast. 21 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,680 Idiot. Oh, my head is banging. 22 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,760 You haven't got a light have you, love? 23 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,360 Yes, love. Cheers. 24 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,360 You can keep that. 25 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,960 Oh, nice one. Are you sure? Yeah. 26 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,560 You may as well have these as well. 27 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,920 You're not stopping, are you? 28 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,600 The doctors gave me six months to live. 29 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,280 Really? 30 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,320 That was five months ago. 31 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,440 Believe me, son, if you know what's good for you, 32 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,560 you'll start looking after yourself. 33 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,600 Right. 34 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,880 If you'll excuse me, I'm off to sit in the shade. 35 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,320 Think about what I said, son. 36 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,000 Bloody hell. 37 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,960 You certainly know how to put someone off their bacon butty. 38 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,680 Come on. Come on! 39 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,840 What are you doing? You know what I'm doing. 40 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,960 I'm trying to get through to Doctor Kundu. 41 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,360 It's a quarter to eight. 42 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,800 I know. They open at eight. Somebody might be there. 43 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,720 It's a quarter to eight here, so it's a quarter to seven at home. 44 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,040 I know Dr Kundu's receptionist looks keen.. 45 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,840 Hello, this is Janice Garvey, again, 46 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,920 calling about my mother Madge Harvey. 47 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,680 We need Dr Kundu to ring us back on the mobile number I left last night 48 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,720 as soon as possible, please. 49 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:27,320 What did you say? We're an hour in front. 50 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,080 It's a quarter to seven there. 51 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,320 Oh, I'd forgotten about the time difference. 52 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,320 Look, why don't we just - 53 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,160 Sssh! What can you hear? 54 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,800 Nowt much. 55 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,480 Bit of drilling, but that might be Donald and Jacqueline, 56 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,280 they're only a couple of floors away. She's not coughing. 57 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,200 My mother's not coughing. You know she can't breathe in the mornings. 58 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,640 Mam! MAM! 59 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,040 It'll be me that can't breathe when this bloody phone bill comes in. 60 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,080 My mother isn't in her room. Where is she? How the frig should I know? 61 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,280 Calm down. My mother's got four weeks to live. 62 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,720 Don't you tell me to calm down! Janice. 63 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,760 Janice! 64 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,160 I swear to God, Madge, 65 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,720 if this whole thing is your idea of a joke, 66 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,880 you won't have four hours to live, never mind four weeks. 67 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,400 I'm sorry, I don't even know what a vajazzle is, 68 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,440 but I'll ask Kenneth our head stylist to call you back. 69 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,480 It's what? 70 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,560 Oh, I'm not sure Kenneth will be up for that, to be honest, 71 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,600 but you can always ask... 72 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:35,040 That's right. Pensioner's 50% off day is Wednesday. 73 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,640 All right. Take care. 74 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,080 Oh! Ho-oh! 75 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,880 Hey, have you seen Squirrel? 76 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,920 Who? Squirrel. Squirrel Bigcock. 77 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,520 Oh, Cyril, he was sniffing about earlier. 78 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:53,520 Do you know, I heard when Miss Temple-Savage found Squirrel in Benidorm, he was a vagabundo. 79 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,840 I think you say tramp. You're joking. 80 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,360 No wonder he looks like the cat who got the cream. 81 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,040 Squirrel has a cat? 82 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,360 No, man, I just mean getting the job here, he's landed on his feet. 83 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:08,080 Ah, yes, a cat will always land on his feet. You didn't know this? 84 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,280 Well, now, gentlemen... 85 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,800 Oh, apologies, lady and gentleman. 86 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:17,040 Mm. It would appear we have a staff/work ratio imbalance. 87 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,760 Meaning you obviously have nothing to do. Well, not to worry. 88 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:28,600 Help is at hand. Lesley, I'd like you to put up these posters and distribute these leaflets. 89 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,880 I'm supposed to be on reception. Have you never heard of delegation? 90 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,280 That's what Roy Castle had, wasn't it? That was dedication. 91 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,200 Roy and I were very close, actually. 92 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,240 I once doubled for his feet in a cornflake commercial. 93 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:44,160 No, I was talking about... Look, just get those out. 94 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,520 Excuse me, have you seen my mother? Madam, do you mind? 95 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,160 We happen to have a dress code. 96 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,320 These may be known as the common areas, but they're not that common. 97 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,560 Have you seen Madge? I'm sorry, pet, I haven't. 98 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,680 Madam, I must ask you to - Oh, shut up! 99 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,440 Have you seen my mother? I think she's by the pool. 100 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,880 Appropriate clothing must be worn at all times in the communal - Ooh! 101 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,880 You haven't seen my wife, have you? She went that way. Thanks. 102 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:14,720 Dad, what's going on? Is this place always like this? Yes. Oh. 103 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,760 What is going on? 104 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:20,040 Just a minor disturbance. I've read them the riot act, 105 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,080 vis-a-vis appropriate clothing in the hotel. 106 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,000 Oh. I don't think we'll have any more trouble there. 107 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,400 Now... cigarette break, I think. 108 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,480 You see, Lesley, that's a manager. 109 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,520 Someone on his feet. 110 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,760 Has a natural authority over others. Someone who has a history of - 111 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,200 Being a tramp. A history of being a tramp. 112 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,760 I beg your pardon? Nothing. 113 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,720 Just go easy on the tittle-tattle, Lesley. 114 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,200 Loose lips sink ships. 115 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,720 I cannot understand a word anyone says today. 116 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,000 Morning. Morning, son. 117 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,960 Oh, what's going on? Where am I? 118 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,480 I'm sorry! I'm sorry. That was my fault. I thought you were dead. 119 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,800 Why did you think I was dead? You were lying with your head in the sink at eight in the morning. 120 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,880 I must have fallen asleep. 121 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,800 You've been out all night again, haven't you? Yeah. 122 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,480 Are you still getting them twinges? Yeah. 123 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,880 I think it's time for a major lifestyle change, don't you? 124 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,720 Yeah, just what I was thinking. 125 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,480 Do you know if they've started breakfast yet? I could murder some black pudding. 126 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,760 What's all the racket? 127 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,600 What, all the slamming doors, arguing and shouting? 128 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,280 Just another morning at the Solana lunatic asylum. 129 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,600 Such a lovely place to bring your family on holiday! 130 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,640 What are you doing out here? 131 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,480 I was having trouble hearing the slamming doors above your snoring. 132 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,520 I'm getting in the shower. 133 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:12,760 Ooh, I have found a lovely health spa, 10 minutes away - five-star. 134 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,600 I thought we could spend the day there. 135 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,200 What, all of us? How much is it? 136 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,280 What's that got to do with anything? It's a nice day, today. 137 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,320 It'd be a crime to stuck indoors. 138 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,600 Nowhere near the crime I will commit, 139 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,240 if I don't get out of this pigsty! 140 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,880 Mother, what are you doing here? I've been sick with worry. 141 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,760 What is there to worry about? Janice, go up and get changed. 142 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,840 I'll sit with your mother. Why does anybody need to sit with me? 143 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,760 Right, we're going home. What? 144 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,320 Your grandmother has got four weeks to... 145 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,280 We're going home. Mick, get the flights changed. 146 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,200 We're only here for another few days. Mick's right. 147 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,480 We may as well finish our holiday. 148 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,760 What did you just say? I said we may as well finish our holiday. 149 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,680 No, no, before that. I said you're right. 150 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,720 Michael, how do you do the voice recorder thing on this phone? 151 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,200 Madam, I must insist you change into something more appropriate. 152 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,920 Go up and get changed. Come on, Mum, I'll go with you. 153 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,320 Keep trying the doctor. All right, I will. 154 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,440 We're not here to spoil anybody's fun, 155 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,520 but standards must be maintained. 156 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,200 Aye, all right. 157 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,960 I'll go and get us a coffee. Oh, thanks, love. 158 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,000 We've had trouble from you before. 159 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:39,320 One more incident and you'll get a lifetime ban from all Solana hotels. 160 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,760 That won't make much difference to me, love. 161 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,160 I've only got four weeks to live. 162 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,200 Mm-hm. 163 00:10:01,004 --> 00:10:03,404 Are you black? 164 00:10:03,444 --> 00:10:05,164 No. 165 00:10:06,364 --> 00:10:08,364 Are you white? Yes. 166 00:10:08,404 --> 00:10:11,724 Are you in the entertainment industry? Yes. 167 00:10:11,764 --> 00:10:13,764 Are you a singer? 168 00:10:13,804 --> 00:10:16,004 Er, yes. 169 00:10:16,044 --> 00:10:18,764 Are you Cheryl Cole? No. 170 00:10:19,804 --> 00:10:21,804 Are you over 50? Yes. 171 00:10:21,844 --> 00:10:23,844 Su Pollard. No. 172 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:26,084 Do you want a clue? Go on. 173 00:10:26,124 --> 00:10:29,684 We once shared a Jacuzzi with this celebrity, 174 00:10:29,724 --> 00:10:34,804 which resulted in it having to be drained and industrially cleaned. 175 00:10:34,844 --> 00:10:36,844 Could you narrow it down a bit? 176 00:10:36,884 --> 00:10:41,444 ♪ What's it all about, Alfie? ♪ 177 00:10:41,484 --> 00:10:44,244 Alfie? You said you were a woman. 178 00:10:44,284 --> 00:10:46,284 I'm Cilla Black. 179 00:10:46,324 --> 00:10:49,804 Of course. I knew I should have asked, 180 00:10:49,844 --> 00:10:54,004 'Did this celebrity's collar not match her cuffs?' 181 00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:55,764 Oh, yeah. 182 00:10:55,804 --> 00:10:57,924 Competition this afternoon. Free entry. 183 00:10:57,964 --> 00:11:00,444 We're gonna have a spit roast. 184 00:11:00,484 --> 00:11:03,124 Sounds like our kind of competition. Mm. 185 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,164 Mmm. 186 00:11:08,804 --> 00:11:10,804 Anyone fancy going to the beach? 187 00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,844 No? 188 00:11:12,884 --> 00:11:16,284 Nobody fancy going to the beach? I'm not keen on beaches. 189 00:11:16,324 --> 00:11:20,324 I've ended up with sand in some very strange places over the years. 190 00:11:20,364 --> 00:11:21,964 Oh. 191 00:11:22,004 --> 00:11:25,444 B, do you fancy going to the beach? The beach sounds nice. 192 00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,564 Going with who? With me. 193 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:31,164 Oh. How can I put this, without hurting your feelings? No. 194 00:11:31,204 --> 00:11:34,084 You're coming to the spa with me, aren't you, bubs? What spa? 195 00:11:34,124 --> 00:11:36,124 I sent you a text about it. 196 00:11:36,164 --> 00:11:38,444 What are we doing, texting each other, 197 00:11:38,484 --> 00:11:40,484 when we're in adjoining rooms? 198 00:11:40,524 --> 00:11:43,404 The world's gone mad. I don't want to go to a spa. 199 00:11:43,444 --> 00:11:46,924 I've been groped by enough dirty Spaniards this week, thank you. 200 00:11:46,964 --> 00:11:48,964 There is nothing to do here. 201 00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:53,524 Hombre versus Food competition, this afternoon, free entry. 202 00:11:53,564 --> 00:11:56,724 Eat a whole pig and win a T-shirt. 203 00:11:56,764 --> 00:11:58,884 That sounds disgusting. 204 00:11:58,924 --> 00:12:01,084 I don't mind a bit of pig, as it goes. 205 00:12:01,124 --> 00:12:03,124 You wanna be careful. 206 00:12:03,164 --> 00:12:05,724 For you, that's practically cannibalism. 207 00:12:05,764 --> 00:12:09,044 Oh, what have I done now? 208 00:12:20,924 --> 00:12:22,724 Come on, feel the burn! 209 00:12:22,764 --> 00:12:24,564 The only burn I'm getting is heartburn. 210 00:12:24,604 --> 00:12:26,764 I knew I shouldn't have had that black pudding. 211 00:12:26,804 --> 00:12:29,004 Come on! Stronger! Faster! Harder! 212 00:12:29,044 --> 00:12:31,604 Well, if I had a Euro for every time I've shouted that... 213 00:12:31,644 --> 00:12:33,524 Stop talking, keep going. 214 00:12:33,564 --> 00:12:35,564 I'm gonna die. 215 00:12:35,604 --> 00:12:37,764 I'm gonna die. 216 00:12:37,804 --> 00:12:39,804 Come on, Kenneth! 217 00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:44,684 You've only gone up three steps. 218 00:12:44,724 --> 00:12:47,764 Three steps? I feel like I've run a marathon. 219 00:12:47,804 --> 00:12:49,924 Oh! Ooh! 220 00:12:49,964 --> 00:12:52,724 Oh, my God, what was in that powdered drink you gave me? 221 00:12:52,764 --> 00:12:55,204 It was a protein shake. 222 00:12:55,244 --> 00:12:58,324 Ooh! I've got enough gas in me to get to Alicante! 223 00:12:58,364 --> 00:13:01,484 Protein's good for you, you should drink as much of it as possible. 224 00:13:01,524 --> 00:13:04,004 Believe me, love, you're preaching to the converted. 225 00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:06,244 I was talking about the shake. 226 00:13:06,284 --> 00:13:08,284 Oh, no. No, it's no good. 227 00:13:08,324 --> 00:13:11,524 I'm gonna have to change these shorts for something more heavy-duty. 228 00:13:11,564 --> 00:13:13,204 I see trouble on the horizon. 229 00:13:13,244 --> 00:13:15,884 Why don't we start with something more gentle? 230 00:13:15,924 --> 00:13:18,044 How about a jog on the beach? Perfect. 231 00:13:20,924 --> 00:13:22,564 What are you doing? 232 00:13:22,604 --> 00:13:25,484 Just ringing for a taxi. How else are we gonna get to the beach? 233 00:13:33,004 --> 00:13:36,284 It's a shame we can't stay a few more weeks. 234 00:13:36,324 --> 00:13:39,804 It would've been nice to spend my last few days in the summer. 235 00:13:39,844 --> 00:13:42,084 Do we have to talk about it, Nana? 236 00:13:42,124 --> 00:13:45,044 Sorry, son, I didn't mean to upset you. 237 00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:48,324 Oh, they're still engaged. Right, I need to stretch my legs. 238 00:13:48,364 --> 00:13:50,444 Who wants a drink? Keep ringing them! 239 00:13:50,484 --> 00:13:52,484 Same again, everyone? Lovely. 240 00:13:52,524 --> 00:13:54,884 The doctor might have made a mistake, Nana. 241 00:13:54,924 --> 00:13:57,044 Oh, I don't think so, son. 242 00:13:57,084 --> 00:13:58,884 They're very clever men. 243 00:13:58,924 --> 00:14:02,004 I've had a good life. I've no complaints. 244 00:14:03,764 --> 00:14:06,044 Hello? 245 00:14:07,924 --> 00:14:09,924 This is her husband, Mick Garvey. 246 00:14:09,964 --> 00:14:13,084 Yeah, she has been ringing you, but you've been engaged. 247 00:14:14,364 --> 00:14:17,284 You've been trying to call us back and we've been engaged. 248 00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,324 Right, sorry about that. 249 00:14:19,364 --> 00:14:22,164 Yeah, yeah, I'm free to speak now, thank you. 250 00:14:23,204 --> 00:14:25,204 They're putting me through to the doctor. 251 00:14:25,244 --> 00:14:27,244 Do you wanna speak to him? 252 00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,284 Hello, Dr Kundu. 253 00:14:29,324 --> 00:14:31,324 Mick Garvey. 254 00:14:31,364 --> 00:14:33,684 Yeah. Thanks for ringing back. 255 00:14:33,724 --> 00:14:36,124 My wife was just wanting to speak to you... 256 00:14:36,164 --> 00:14:39,444 It sounds lovely, but I don't think I will today, thank you. 257 00:14:39,484 --> 00:14:42,484 Facial, massage, hot steam. 258 00:14:42,524 --> 00:14:44,524 Maybe a body wrap. 259 00:14:45,764 --> 00:14:48,724 No. You should take a little bit more care of yourself. 260 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,284 I'm sorry? This isn't pampering. 261 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,324 It's maintenance. 262 00:14:53,364 --> 00:14:55,964 People see facials and massage as a luxury, 263 00:14:56,004 --> 00:14:59,124 but they need to be part of every woman's weekly routine. 264 00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:01,164 I'm a beauty therapist. 265 00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,884 Yeah, you've said. 266 00:15:02,924 --> 00:15:05,604 Here you go, pet, that's your drinks. Thanks, love. 267 00:15:05,644 --> 00:15:07,404 Hey, Cyril's looking for you. 268 00:15:07,444 --> 00:15:10,524 Aren't you supposed to be going up the Old Town with him? Ostia! 269 00:15:10,564 --> 00:15:12,564 Let me know if you change your mind. 270 00:15:12,604 --> 00:15:15,484 I would love to get my hands on your T-zone. 271 00:15:15,524 --> 00:15:16,924 Aye. 272 00:15:16,964 --> 00:15:18,964 I bet you would. 273 00:15:19,004 --> 00:15:21,924 So, you're a beauty therapist. That's right. 274 00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:25,604 Oh, I've often thought I should try and break into the beauty industry. 275 00:15:25,644 --> 00:15:28,164 Yeah, well, I recommend you do it at night, 276 00:15:28,204 --> 00:15:30,204 when nobody can see you. 277 00:15:38,884 --> 00:15:41,924 Has he got through? They rang us. 278 00:15:43,084 --> 00:15:47,084 All right, Mikey? Don't fancy a walk to the beach, do you? 279 00:15:47,124 --> 00:15:49,604 I don't think he will, love, not today. 280 00:15:50,844 --> 00:15:52,844 Oh. OK. 281 00:15:52,884 --> 00:15:54,884 Sorry to bother you. 282 00:15:54,924 --> 00:15:56,924 Right, thanks very much. 283 00:15:56,964 --> 00:15:58,964 Thank you, Doctor. 284 00:16:01,684 --> 00:16:05,884 Madge, what can you remember about the conversation with Dr Kundu, 285 00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,124 when he told you you had six months to live? 286 00:16:08,164 --> 00:16:12,124 What do you mean? I mean, can you remember anything unusual 287 00:16:12,164 --> 00:16:15,204 about the manner in which he gave you this devastating news? 288 00:16:15,244 --> 00:16:18,364 I don't know what you're talking about. Well, let's put it this way. 289 00:16:18,404 --> 00:16:21,044 If a doctor was telling me I had six months to live, 290 00:16:21,084 --> 00:16:24,844 I assume he'd be diplomatic, well-mannered, friendly even... 291 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:27,484 Oh, no. He was an absolute bastard, 292 00:16:27,524 --> 00:16:29,884 shouting and screaming at me. 293 00:16:29,924 --> 00:16:32,284 He couldn't get me out of his office soon enough. 294 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,924 And you've no idea why? 295 00:16:33,964 --> 00:16:37,404 I've stopped trying to understand people like that a long time ago. 296 00:16:37,444 --> 00:16:40,164 Well, I've just spoken to Dr Kundu and, 297 00:16:40,204 --> 00:16:42,004 even though it was over five months ago, 298 00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,524 he had no trouble remembering when you went to see him. 299 00:16:44,564 --> 00:16:48,444 Mick, get to the point. The point is your mother has been banned 300 00:16:48,484 --> 00:16:51,644 from seeing every doctor in the health centre for various reasons, 301 00:16:51,684 --> 00:16:53,884 ranging from racism to threatening behaviour. 302 00:16:53,924 --> 00:16:55,724 I'm not a racialist. 303 00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,604 I've got everything Winifred Atwell ever recorded. 304 00:16:58,644 --> 00:17:00,804 Dr Kundu was the only one who'd see you. 305 00:17:00,844 --> 00:17:04,124 When he found out you'd written to the Manchester Evening News, 306 00:17:04,164 --> 00:17:06,604 just because you suspected he had a drink problem, 307 00:17:06,644 --> 00:17:08,404 he banned you from the health centre. 308 00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:13,204 Yes and, after all that, he then told me I had six months to live. 309 00:17:13,244 --> 00:17:17,884 Ha! He even said he wished I'd be dead sooner. 310 00:17:17,924 --> 00:17:20,564 He told you, you had six months to LEAVE! 311 00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:22,764 When people are banned from the health centre, 312 00:17:22,804 --> 00:17:24,804 they're given time to find another doctor. 313 00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:29,724 He said he wished he could get rid of you sooner, but he had to give you six months to LEAVE. 314 00:17:31,124 --> 00:17:33,604 Six months to leave? 315 00:17:34,724 --> 00:17:36,724 Not six months to live? 316 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,364 Yes. 317 00:17:40,484 --> 00:17:42,964 Well, how am I supposed to understand him, 318 00:17:43,004 --> 00:17:45,004 with that bloody accent? 319 00:17:45,044 --> 00:17:47,044 I'm off to the beach. 320 00:17:47,084 --> 00:17:49,764 Take your phone. 321 00:17:49,804 --> 00:17:53,484 Mother, did you not think to ask for a few more details? 322 00:17:53,524 --> 00:17:58,164 He's not a real doctor, his wife used to be married to a vicar. 323 00:17:58,204 --> 00:18:00,084 What's that got to do with anything? 324 00:18:00,124 --> 00:18:05,404 Ha! So, I've been sitting here, not smoking, keeping out of the sun, 325 00:18:05,444 --> 00:18:09,084 because my doctor can hardly string a sentence together. 326 00:18:09,124 --> 00:18:14,044 They should all be put up against a wall and shot! 327 00:18:16,244 --> 00:18:19,124 Where are you off to now? To get some bloody cigs! 328 00:18:22,244 --> 00:18:24,244 I don't believe it. 329 00:18:24,284 --> 00:18:26,684 Well, one good thing has come out of all of this. 330 00:18:26,724 --> 00:18:29,324 What's that? Out the way! Move! 331 00:18:29,364 --> 00:18:31,364 Madge is back. 332 00:18:45,627 --> 00:18:47,527 Why am I here? 333 00:18:47,564 --> 00:18:50,244 You, my friend, are here to carry the pig? 334 00:18:50,284 --> 00:18:53,084 So why are you here? I am here to pay for the pig. 335 00:18:53,124 --> 00:18:55,884 Why did you not just give me the 200 Euros for the pig? 336 00:18:55,924 --> 00:18:59,164 Because, young man, armed with the negotiating skills of 337 00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:02,124 a blind, drunken goat, you would've paid 200 Euros. 338 00:19:03,204 --> 00:19:05,204 I thought you wanted the pig, not a goat. 339 00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:07,004 I'm about to come out of that shop, 340 00:19:07,044 --> 00:19:09,684 having paid only 50 Euros for said pig. 341 00:19:09,724 --> 00:19:12,284 The price is 200. How you pay 50? 342 00:19:12,324 --> 00:19:14,724 Stand back, my friend, watch and learn, 343 00:19:14,764 --> 00:19:17,484 as the master goes to work. 344 00:19:20,084 --> 00:19:22,884 Excuse me, you see that pig in the window? 345 00:19:22,924 --> 00:19:26,044 Well, I'll give you 20 Euros. No? All right, 30? 346 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,284 I'll give you the... Thank you. 347 00:19:29,324 --> 00:19:32,404 He won't move on the price of the pig. 348 00:19:32,444 --> 00:19:34,444 Come on, I've got another idea. 349 00:19:41,084 --> 00:19:43,444 What are we doing here? This is disgusting. 350 00:19:43,484 --> 00:19:45,164 Take it from someone who knows: 351 00:19:45,204 --> 00:19:48,284 fresh meat guidelines are ludicrously stringent. 352 00:19:48,324 --> 00:19:52,924 If this meat was thrown away today, there is nothing wrong with it, so long as it's cooked today. 353 00:19:52,964 --> 00:19:55,284 You want us to cook meat that has been thrown away? 354 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,484 Bingo! 355 00:20:07,044 --> 00:20:09,484 Looks just the job, that. 356 00:20:10,684 --> 00:20:13,444 Yes. You don't eat pig? 357 00:20:13,484 --> 00:20:17,004 I will not be eating this one, I saw where it came from. 358 00:20:17,044 --> 00:20:19,884 Yeah, you can get emotionally attached to 'em, 359 00:20:19,924 --> 00:20:22,044 if you've seen 'em running about, and that. 360 00:20:22,084 --> 00:20:25,044 I was the same when I went to see the film Winnie The Pooh. 361 00:20:25,084 --> 00:20:27,404 You never ate pooh again? 362 00:20:28,524 --> 00:20:32,644 Piglet. Piglet was one of the characters in Winnie The Pooh. 363 00:20:32,684 --> 00:20:35,924 Honestly, you try and have a decent conversation... 364 00:20:45,084 --> 00:20:48,884 Hiya. I've changed my mind, if you still fancy going. 365 00:20:50,044 --> 00:20:53,564 To the spa, that is. Ooh! You don't need to ask me twice. 366 00:20:53,604 --> 00:20:56,084 Ooh, are you coming, bubs? Girls' day out? 367 00:20:56,124 --> 00:20:58,124 No, I'm sunbathing. 368 00:20:58,164 --> 00:21:00,564 Oh, OK, my sweet pea. 369 00:21:00,604 --> 00:21:02,684 Mwah! 370 00:21:07,924 --> 00:21:09,924 You don't know how much it is, do you? 371 00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:12,124 My treat, Jan. Come on. 372 00:21:12,164 --> 00:21:15,604 Here, do you know what that barman just said to me? 373 00:21:15,644 --> 00:21:17,244 No. 374 00:21:17,284 --> 00:21:19,964 What's going on, am I invisible or what? 375 00:21:20,004 --> 00:21:22,244 Sorry, pal, I didn't see you there. 376 00:21:40,364 --> 00:21:43,324 Come on, Kenneth, no pain, no gain. 377 00:21:43,364 --> 00:21:45,364 Oh, I can't breathe. 378 00:21:45,404 --> 00:21:47,404 Work through the pain. 379 00:21:47,444 --> 00:21:49,444 Sorry, I... 380 00:21:57,924 --> 00:21:59,924 That's better. 381 00:22:04,884 --> 00:22:06,684 This is more like it. 382 00:22:08,564 --> 00:22:11,964 No, my friend, THAT is more like it. 383 00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:17,324 Hola. Pedalo for you today? 384 00:22:17,364 --> 00:22:20,484 Any freebies, going? No, sorry? 385 00:22:20,524 --> 00:22:22,524 And what about the pedalos? 386 00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:30,524 Listen, we'd love to hire a pedalo, but my mate, he's scared of water. 387 00:22:30,564 --> 00:22:32,164 He can't swim - I can swim. 388 00:22:32,204 --> 00:22:33,804 Argh! 389 00:22:33,844 --> 00:22:35,844 And, well, he's a bit nervous. 390 00:22:35,884 --> 00:22:39,164 Maybe, if you could join us, you know, safety in numbers. 391 00:22:39,204 --> 00:22:41,204 I'm not nervous. 392 00:22:43,284 --> 00:22:46,444 He always says that when he's nervous. Wait here. 393 00:22:46,484 --> 00:22:49,404 What did you say that for? Don't screw this up, Mikey. 394 00:22:49,444 --> 00:22:51,244 I know what I'm doing. 395 00:22:53,404 --> 00:22:57,364 Well, if you have someone who cannot swim, I shall come with you. 396 00:23:00,604 --> 00:23:02,604 What did I tell you? 397 00:23:18,969 --> 00:23:21,804 I bet you could get used to this, couldn't you, Jan? 398 00:23:21,884 --> 00:23:24,204 That massage was nice. 399 00:23:24,244 --> 00:23:26,524 Mm. Mine was built like Schwarzenegger. 400 00:23:26,564 --> 00:23:30,644 His hands were going everywhere. Really? Mm. 401 00:23:30,684 --> 00:23:34,884 I had this massive German woman called Ingrid who smelled like window putty. 402 00:23:34,924 --> 00:23:36,684 Mine was very masculine. 403 00:23:36,724 --> 00:23:39,724 Big muscles, huge moustache. 404 00:23:39,764 --> 00:23:41,764 Sounds a bit like Ingrid. 405 00:23:41,804 --> 00:23:44,724 But it's important to look after ourselves at our age. 406 00:23:44,764 --> 00:23:48,804 I say our age, I bet you're not that much older than me. 407 00:23:49,924 --> 00:23:51,324 No. 408 00:23:51,364 --> 00:23:53,364 It's difficult though. 409 00:23:53,404 --> 00:23:55,004 I have a PT at home. 410 00:23:55,044 --> 00:23:57,044 Oh, mine's getting worse. 411 00:23:57,084 --> 00:23:59,284 I'm forever snapping at the kids. 412 00:23:59,324 --> 00:24:02,724 And, two weeks out of every month, I can't get my jeans on. 413 00:24:03,844 --> 00:24:06,244 What? Pre-menstrual tension. 414 00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:09,404 Is that not what you meant? 415 00:24:09,444 --> 00:24:13,084 PT - personal trainer, for the gym. 416 00:24:13,124 --> 00:24:14,804 Oh, sorry. 417 00:24:14,844 --> 00:24:17,964 His name's Chad. He's an American and 32. 418 00:24:18,004 --> 00:24:21,484 £70 an hour but, my God, he is worth every penny. 419 00:24:21,524 --> 00:24:23,524 £70 an hour? 420 00:24:23,564 --> 00:24:25,164 Jesus! 421 00:24:25,204 --> 00:24:29,204 I'd want him to be building me an extension at the same time for that kind of money. 422 00:24:29,244 --> 00:24:32,484 Believe me, I have tried to budget, but I don't know how you do it. 423 00:24:32,524 --> 00:24:35,404 But I see you've got that lovely thing my mother had. 424 00:24:35,444 --> 00:24:39,204 You don't care how you look as long as your kids are turned out nice. 425 00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:41,244 I respect you for that. 426 00:24:42,604 --> 00:24:45,204 I think I'm gonna have a shower and get dressed. 427 00:24:45,244 --> 00:24:49,244 OK, Jan. I might have a cheeky five minutes in the steam room, 428 00:24:49,284 --> 00:24:51,284 but I will see you in the reception. 429 00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:53,684 Yeah. These floors are dead slippy. 430 00:24:53,724 --> 00:24:55,684 Mind you don't fall and break your neck. 431 00:24:55,724 --> 00:24:57,724 Cheers, Jan. 432 00:24:57,764 --> 00:24:59,564 And it's Janice. 433 00:25:00,684 --> 00:25:04,484 I cannot close your account until your friend has finished her treatments. 434 00:25:04,524 --> 00:25:07,684 Would you just like to pay for your treatments, Mrs Gravy? 435 00:25:07,724 --> 00:25:09,724 It's Garvey. 436 00:25:09,764 --> 00:25:11,764 How much is it? 437 00:25:11,804 --> 00:25:16,204 Your personal invoice comes to 210 Euros. 438 00:25:18,924 --> 00:25:21,324 I think I'll wait for my friend. 439 00:25:21,364 --> 00:25:23,764 No problem. Please, take a seat. 440 00:25:36,124 --> 00:25:38,604 Come on now, ladies and gentlemen. 441 00:25:38,644 --> 00:25:41,044 We have space for one more competitor. 442 00:25:41,084 --> 00:25:42,884 The rules are very simple. 443 00:25:42,924 --> 00:25:44,724 All you have to do is eat. 444 00:25:44,764 --> 00:25:46,684 No takers? 445 00:25:46,724 --> 00:25:48,324 There. 446 00:25:48,364 --> 00:25:51,084 Oh, thank you, sir. Step right this way. 447 00:25:51,124 --> 00:25:53,724 Bloody hell, I think we should have got a bigger pig. 448 00:25:53,764 --> 00:25:57,524 We may as well all forget it. Jimmy Five Bellies has got it in the bag. 449 00:25:58,764 --> 00:26:00,404 Hiya. 450 00:26:00,444 --> 00:26:02,204 Look at the state of you two. 451 00:26:02,244 --> 00:26:05,124 You look as if you couldn't manage a mouthful each. I'm sorry? 452 00:26:05,164 --> 00:26:09,124 That pig is going down. Down my throat. 453 00:26:09,164 --> 00:26:11,324 You know-hopers haven't got a chance. 454 00:26:11,364 --> 00:26:13,884 All right, Donald, calm down, it's only a bit of fun. 455 00:26:13,924 --> 00:26:17,164 Oh, I don't mean to be rude, this is just jive talk. 456 00:26:17,204 --> 00:26:19,004 All big fighters do it before a match. 457 00:26:19,044 --> 00:26:22,124 You're eating a plate of pork, not going 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. 458 00:26:22,164 --> 00:26:24,164 Bring on the meat! 459 00:26:24,204 --> 00:26:26,804 Are you sure you wanna do this, B? 460 00:26:26,844 --> 00:26:29,524 I can drink or eat any man under the table. 461 00:26:29,564 --> 00:26:31,844 There you go. She's got the idea. 462 00:26:31,884 --> 00:26:35,484 Your mother wouldn't know a plate of pork if it hit her in the face. 463 00:26:35,524 --> 00:26:37,724 Are you talking about my family? Sorry. 464 00:26:37,764 --> 00:26:40,044 The rules are very simple. 465 00:26:40,084 --> 00:26:42,164 Eat as much pig as you can. 466 00:26:42,204 --> 00:26:43,964 Mind the crackling. 467 00:26:44,004 --> 00:26:47,444 There's no runners up, it's winner takes all. 468 00:26:47,484 --> 00:26:51,324 OK, we are now full to capacity. 469 00:26:51,364 --> 00:26:53,164 Very full. 470 00:26:54,364 --> 00:26:57,604 Gentlemen, and lady, raise your forks. 471 00:26:58,964 --> 00:27:01,884 Three, two, one, eat! 472 00:27:20,284 --> 00:27:22,404 Tiger, you need to wear your life vest. 473 00:27:22,444 --> 00:27:25,324 Come on, let's get this bitch steaming. 474 00:27:25,364 --> 00:27:27,964 Oh, I don't mean you, I mean the pedalo. 475 00:27:28,004 --> 00:27:31,004 If Elena says you should wear your life vest, you should wear it. 476 00:27:31,044 --> 00:27:33,044 Aw, listen to him. 477 00:27:33,084 --> 00:27:35,004 I told you he gets nervous around water. 478 00:27:35,044 --> 00:27:37,764 I'm not nervous, I'm just saying if we're going far out, 479 00:27:37,804 --> 00:27:39,804 then I think you should put it on. 480 00:27:40,924 --> 00:27:42,524 Just keep pedalling, mate. 481 00:27:42,564 --> 00:27:46,684 The only thing to worry about is what to do with yourself when me and Elena go for a swim. 482 00:27:58,484 --> 00:28:01,484 Where have you been? You said you were gonna be five minutes. 483 00:28:01,524 --> 00:28:04,484 Sorry, Jan, I nodded off in the steam room. 484 00:28:04,524 --> 00:28:06,644 Mind you, look at the results. 485 00:28:06,684 --> 00:28:10,404 I know I shouldn't say it myself, but my skin looks amazing. 486 00:28:11,724 --> 00:28:13,844 I'd like to settle our bill, thank you. 487 00:28:13,884 --> 00:28:16,924 The total for both of you is 460 Euros. 488 00:28:16,964 --> 00:28:19,564 Worth every penny. Janice. 489 00:28:19,604 --> 00:28:21,484 My name's Janice. 490 00:28:21,524 --> 00:28:23,244 If I can get your name right, Tonya, 491 00:28:23,284 --> 00:28:24,964 I'm sure you can manage 'Janice'. 492 00:28:25,004 --> 00:28:28,684 Oh, dear. I think someone should have spent a few more minutes 493 00:28:28,724 --> 00:28:30,804 in the hydrotherapy relaxation tank. 494 00:28:30,844 --> 00:28:33,924 Erm... Everything all right? 495 00:28:33,964 --> 00:28:35,964 Sorry, your card has broken. 496 00:28:36,004 --> 00:28:38,924 Broken? Oh, my God! Look at that. 497 00:28:38,964 --> 00:28:41,804 Well, I did give it quite a hammering before I came out here. 498 00:28:41,844 --> 00:28:44,124 You haven't got a card on you, have you, Jan? 499 00:28:44,164 --> 00:28:47,164 Sorry, Janice? That's the only one I brought with me. 500 00:28:47,204 --> 00:28:49,244 Can't we just come back with another card? 501 00:28:49,284 --> 00:28:51,804 Sorry. I don't know if this card's gonna work. 502 00:28:51,844 --> 00:28:53,924 I don't know what the overdraught is. 503 00:28:53,964 --> 00:28:55,724 We can settle up later, can't we? 504 00:28:55,764 --> 00:28:57,364 Your secret number, please. 505 00:28:58,724 --> 00:29:01,124 I tell you what, I'll get next time. 506 00:29:01,164 --> 00:29:03,804 I can't wait for another deep-tissue massage. 507 00:29:03,844 --> 00:29:06,564 I'll see you outside. It's getting a bit warm in here. 508 00:29:06,604 --> 00:29:08,284 Thank you, Mrs Gravy. 509 00:29:08,324 --> 00:29:10,324 That has gone through just fine. 510 00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:20,564 17, 18, 511 00:29:20,604 --> 00:29:22,604 19... 512 00:29:23,684 --> 00:29:28,004 You've not been doing 'em! Liam, love, I'm absolutely shagged out. 513 00:29:28,044 --> 00:29:29,844 Can we go back now? No! 514 00:29:29,884 --> 00:29:33,604 You wanted to get fit and the only way to do that is to push through the pain barrier. 515 00:29:33,644 --> 00:29:36,364 I've already nearly pushed through once, in these shorts. 516 00:29:36,404 --> 00:29:38,884 That protein drink should carry a health warning, 517 00:29:38,924 --> 00:29:41,004 and washing instructions, at least. 518 00:29:41,044 --> 00:29:44,444 Kenneth, you drink too much, you smoke too much, you eat too much. 519 00:29:44,484 --> 00:29:47,284 How do you think you can go on like this? Who said I eat too much? 520 00:29:47,324 --> 00:29:51,644 We have to go to Albir to the all-you-can-eat restaurant, as you've been banned from Benidorm. 521 00:29:51,684 --> 00:29:53,764 That is not true. I'm not banned from Mr Wu's. 522 00:29:53,804 --> 00:29:56,844 They just ask that I bring my own reinforced chair to sit on. 523 00:29:56,884 --> 00:30:01,564 You're asked to bring a chair to an all-you-can-eat restaurant because you break their furniture. 524 00:30:01,604 --> 00:30:04,364 You can't be happy with that. Happy? I'm livid. 525 00:30:04,404 --> 00:30:06,364 Do you know how much that chair weighs? 526 00:30:06,404 --> 00:30:09,604 I can't carry that all round town with me. Listen to yourself. 527 00:30:09,644 --> 00:30:11,844 Is this the person you want to be? 528 00:30:11,884 --> 00:30:13,884 No, of course it's not, 529 00:30:13,924 --> 00:30:16,684 but I've not done this exercise thing before. 530 00:30:16,724 --> 00:30:18,324 I'm finding it really difficult. 531 00:30:18,364 --> 00:30:21,244 A journey of 1,000 miles starts with one step. 532 00:30:21,284 --> 00:30:23,124 1,000 miles? Are you taking the piss? 533 00:30:23,164 --> 00:30:25,964 I'm supposed to meet Derek and Mark in the Old Town at eight. 534 00:30:26,004 --> 00:30:29,044 It's just a saying. It means things might be difficult now 535 00:30:29,084 --> 00:30:31,164 but, if we do a little bit every day... 536 00:30:32,444 --> 00:30:34,444 Come on, then. What's next? 537 00:30:34,484 --> 00:30:36,484 Power-walk up to the cross. 538 00:30:36,524 --> 00:30:39,684 Up to the cross? Are you joking? That'll kill me! 539 00:30:39,724 --> 00:30:42,764 There's a great view down onto the nudist beach from there. 540 00:30:42,804 --> 00:30:44,444 Ooh, you little swine. 541 00:30:44,484 --> 00:30:46,484 You know me far too well. 542 00:30:46,524 --> 00:30:48,524 Come on, then. 543 00:30:52,124 --> 00:30:54,524 I'm coming. 544 00:31:03,844 --> 00:31:05,844 Oh, come on, shovel it in. 545 00:31:05,884 --> 00:31:08,604 I've seen you eat more at breakfast. Will you shut up? 546 00:31:08,644 --> 00:31:10,724 Right, that's me done. 547 00:31:10,764 --> 00:31:15,804 I've got pig fatigue. Don't eat it if you can't face it, B. 548 00:31:15,844 --> 00:31:17,724 I'm on my second plate, lightweight. 549 00:31:17,764 --> 00:31:19,484 Go on, girl. 550 00:31:19,524 --> 00:31:23,164 Watch that one. Watch her. She's shoving it down her socks. 551 00:31:23,204 --> 00:31:26,004 I know all the tricks. You can't fool me. 552 00:31:26,044 --> 00:31:27,924 I'm not wearing socks, you silly cow. 553 00:31:27,964 --> 00:31:30,004 That's my mother-in-law you're talking to. 554 00:31:30,044 --> 00:31:32,924 You're saying she's not a silly cow?! Fair point well made. 555 00:31:32,964 --> 00:31:36,564 So we're one down and seven remaining. 556 00:31:36,604 --> 00:31:38,804 Ooh, you're back. Fancy a bit of pork? 557 00:31:38,844 --> 00:31:40,444 No, I don't. 558 00:31:40,484 --> 00:31:42,484 I thought you went to a health spa? 559 00:31:42,524 --> 00:31:44,164 You look shocking. Thanks! 560 00:31:44,204 --> 00:31:46,964 You should ask for your money back. Don't worry. 561 00:31:48,044 --> 00:31:49,764 I intend to. 562 00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:09,044 I think we should turn back. We are passed the safety marker. 563 00:32:09,084 --> 00:32:12,124 We need to turn back. But, first, I need to cool off. 564 00:32:12,164 --> 00:32:15,604 Tiger, the water is too deep here. You must put on your life vest. 565 00:32:15,644 --> 00:32:19,284 I could lose my job if my uncle comes back and sees how far we are out here. 566 00:32:19,324 --> 00:32:21,324 Wooo! 567 00:32:21,364 --> 00:32:23,964 Mate, stop messing around. 568 00:32:24,004 --> 00:32:27,204 We're too far out. Come on, Elena, it's beautiful. 569 00:32:27,244 --> 00:32:28,924 Why is your friend such an asshole? 570 00:32:28,964 --> 00:32:31,604 I've been trying to figure that one out for the last week. 571 00:32:35,364 --> 00:32:37,604 Oh, my God. Michael, what is wrong? 572 00:32:37,644 --> 00:32:39,364 I think I just saw something. 573 00:32:39,404 --> 00:32:41,404 What? What did you see, Michael? 574 00:32:41,444 --> 00:32:43,644 I think I saw a shark. A shark?! 575 00:32:43,684 --> 00:32:46,684 There are no sharks in the Mediterranean. 576 00:32:46,724 --> 00:32:49,004 Well, not in this part, it'll be a dolphin. 577 00:32:49,044 --> 00:32:51,044 I don't think it was. 578 00:32:51,084 --> 00:32:54,684 Mate, I think you should come back, there's something in the water! 579 00:32:54,724 --> 00:32:57,764 What? I can't hear you. There's something in the water. 580 00:32:57,804 --> 00:33:00,284 There's something in the water! 581 00:33:00,324 --> 00:33:02,924 You can't get me with that one, mate. 582 00:33:05,404 --> 00:33:08,204 Oh! Oh, my God! 583 00:33:08,244 --> 00:33:10,724 Oh, my God! Help me! I'm gonna die! 584 00:33:10,764 --> 00:33:14,004 Don't panic, it's only a dolphin. Oh, my goodness. 585 00:33:14,044 --> 00:33:16,444 What's wrong? Help me! That is not a dolphin! 586 00:33:16,484 --> 00:33:18,804 I'm gonna die! Help me! Help! 587 00:33:22,844 --> 00:33:24,844 What are you doing, Michael? 588 00:33:24,884 --> 00:33:26,484 Michael! 589 00:33:26,524 --> 00:33:28,364 Stop thrashing about, you dick! 590 00:33:28,404 --> 00:33:30,404 Michael, hurry! 591 00:33:33,884 --> 00:33:35,884 Quickly! 592 00:33:40,044 --> 00:33:42,044 Get hold of him! 593 00:33:50,044 --> 00:33:52,844 What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! 594 00:33:52,884 --> 00:33:54,644 You ought to see your faces! 595 00:33:54,684 --> 00:33:56,604 Oh, man, that was class! 596 00:33:56,644 --> 00:33:58,444 My mate nearly had a heart attack. 597 00:34:01,564 --> 00:34:03,564 Oh, please, stop. 598 00:34:05,644 --> 00:34:07,404 I can't breathe. 599 00:34:08,444 --> 00:34:10,284 Come on, let's get back. 600 00:34:10,324 --> 00:34:14,084 Here, mate, I don't suppose I can get a lift back, can I? No. 601 00:34:14,124 --> 00:34:16,764 I'm knackered. You're joking, aren't you? You can swim. 602 00:34:16,804 --> 00:34:18,804 Oi, mate! Mate! 603 00:34:21,324 --> 00:34:23,324 Here, mate! 604 00:34:25,484 --> 00:34:27,484 Here, mate! Oi! 605 00:34:31,804 --> 00:34:33,884 Come on, Donald. 606 00:34:33,924 --> 00:34:37,524 If your arms are tiring, put your face in your plate. 607 00:34:40,204 --> 00:34:42,204 How's it all going? 608 00:34:42,244 --> 00:34:45,324 So far, so good. No fatalities yet. 609 00:34:45,364 --> 00:34:48,884 Although, if our friend in the pink keeps this up, 610 00:34:48,924 --> 00:34:52,124 we may have to cover the pool, to get the Air Ambulance in. 611 00:34:53,604 --> 00:34:55,604 OK, people time is up. 612 00:34:55,644 --> 00:35:00,404 That is the end of the Solana's annual Hombre Vs Food competition. 613 00:35:00,444 --> 00:35:04,084 And we have a winner. Oh! 614 00:35:04,124 --> 00:35:06,124 Mateo, get the prize! 615 00:35:08,004 --> 00:35:12,684 That's not fair. He's obviously a professional competitive eater. 616 00:35:12,724 --> 00:35:15,524 There you go. Ah! 617 00:35:15,564 --> 00:35:18,404 Don't worry, they're quite stretchy once you get them on. 618 00:35:18,444 --> 00:35:24,204 Thank you. May I remind you that Solana T-shirts are available to purchase in reception, 619 00:35:24,244 --> 00:35:26,244 between the hours... 620 00:35:26,284 --> 00:35:29,844 Oh, dear. I think someone might need a little siesta. 621 00:35:30,924 --> 00:35:35,124 As I was saying, T-shirts of the Solana or Neptune are available - 622 00:35:35,164 --> 00:35:37,164 Ooh! 623 00:35:37,204 --> 00:35:39,764 Stand back, everyone! 624 00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:41,524 He's gonna blow! 625 00:35:41,564 --> 00:35:43,164 Oh, dear. 626 00:35:43,204 --> 00:35:46,924 It seems there's a fine line between prize winning and piggery. 627 00:35:46,964 --> 00:35:49,244 A little lesson for us all there, I think. 628 00:35:51,324 --> 00:35:53,324 Are you all right? 629 00:35:55,404 --> 00:35:57,404 Oh, God. 630 00:36:06,444 --> 00:36:09,524 It's the pig, you've not cooked it for long enough. 631 00:36:09,564 --> 00:36:11,684 Hey, I know how to cook a pig. 632 00:36:11,724 --> 00:36:14,964 If Squirrel hadn't taken it for free out of the rubbish bin, 633 00:36:15,004 --> 00:36:17,004 they would be OK. 634 00:36:17,044 --> 00:36:19,684 Cyril, is this true? 635 00:36:19,724 --> 00:36:21,524 It should be fine. 636 00:36:21,564 --> 00:36:24,324 I've been eating food out of bins for weeks in Benidorm. 637 00:36:24,364 --> 00:36:26,364 There's nothing wrong with me. 638 00:36:26,404 --> 00:36:28,484 Lesley, ring a doctor. 639 00:36:28,524 --> 00:36:30,564 Mateo, move that pig. 640 00:36:30,604 --> 00:36:34,844 And anyone who's eaten that pork, keep out of the pool. 641 00:36:43,164 --> 00:36:45,164 I'm all right. I'm all right. 642 00:36:46,244 --> 00:36:48,884 I knew it wasn't a real shark. We must get you to a doctor. 643 00:36:48,924 --> 00:36:51,204 I think you are in shock. I said I'm fine. 644 00:36:52,324 --> 00:36:54,324 Where's that dick? 645 00:36:54,364 --> 00:36:56,364 I'm gonna knock him out! 646 00:36:56,404 --> 00:36:58,404 Let's just go. Come here, you! 647 00:36:58,444 --> 00:37:00,964 Calm down, big fella, it was just a joke. 648 00:37:01,004 --> 00:37:03,524 Just a joke? You know what your problem is, don't you? 649 00:37:03,564 --> 00:37:05,564 You've got no sense of humour. 650 00:37:05,604 --> 00:37:09,004 You'll have no sense of smell, when I spread your nose across your face. 651 00:37:12,724 --> 00:37:15,204 Michael, are you OK? 652 00:37:16,564 --> 00:37:19,204 Come on, let's go. I said let's go. 653 00:37:23,804 --> 00:37:26,324 What's wrong with you? Why are we going? 654 00:37:27,564 --> 00:37:29,564 She was fit. 655 00:37:46,393 --> 00:37:50,093 Right. Well, I can't track down Cyril anywhere. 656 00:37:50,133 --> 00:37:54,653 I suppose it's understandable, if he's lying low. Lying low? 657 00:37:54,693 --> 00:37:57,893 He should be strung up from the nearest palm tree for what he's done. 658 00:37:57,933 --> 00:38:00,413 Please, Lesley, let's not get hysterical. 659 00:38:00,453 --> 00:38:03,733 What if it was me who got the smelly pig, and not Squirrel, huh? 660 00:38:03,773 --> 00:38:06,853 Would I be OK to lie on the low for a while? No. 661 00:38:06,893 --> 00:38:08,613 I would be carrying the sack. 662 00:38:08,653 --> 00:38:10,453 I couldn't have put it better myself. 663 00:38:11,813 --> 00:38:13,813 I could've done, but I know what you mean. 664 00:38:13,853 --> 00:38:17,933 Look, I agree, Mr Babcock has put us in a very tricky situation. 665 00:38:17,973 --> 00:38:22,733 And, when head office find out... my job will be on the line. 666 00:38:23,853 --> 00:38:26,973 Somebody has to take responsibility for this. 667 00:38:28,013 --> 00:38:31,093 But, I'm sorry, that person is not going to be Squirrel - 668 00:38:31,133 --> 00:38:32,733 I mean Cyril. 669 00:38:32,773 --> 00:38:35,613 I make no apologies, I'm going to be straight with you. 670 00:38:35,653 --> 00:38:38,533 I don't normally talk about my personal life, 671 00:38:38,573 --> 00:38:41,773 but I've let that man walk out of my life twice now, 672 00:38:41,813 --> 00:38:45,053 and I'm not going to let it happen a third time. 673 00:38:46,093 --> 00:38:48,453 Maybe we could blame it on Jesus. 674 00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:50,493 What, you mean, like an act of God? 675 00:38:50,533 --> 00:38:54,133 No, man, Jesus, the soft lad that works in maintenance. 676 00:38:54,173 --> 00:38:56,173 Khay-zoos. Bless you. 677 00:38:57,293 --> 00:39:00,413 I will be taking full responsibility for this incident. 678 00:39:00,453 --> 00:39:04,493 I'll make out a full report and E-mail it to head office now. 679 00:39:06,493 --> 00:39:08,853 If they get rid of me, I'll go... 680 00:39:11,053 --> 00:39:13,053 but at least I won't go alone. 681 00:39:24,493 --> 00:39:27,493 ♪ Love letters straight 682 00:39:27,533 --> 00:39:31,613 ♪ From your heart 683 00:39:35,973 --> 00:39:39,173 ♪ Keep us so near 684 00:39:39,213 --> 00:39:43,213 ♪ While apart ♪ 685 00:39:45,573 --> 00:39:48,973 ♪ Cos I'm having a good time, having a good time 686 00:39:49,013 --> 00:39:52,733 ♪ I'm a shooting star, leaping through the sky like a tiger 687 00:39:52,773 --> 00:39:56,093 ♪ Defying the laws of gravity... 688 00:39:56,133 --> 00:39:58,133 Just tell me how much it was. 689 00:39:58,173 --> 00:40:00,773 I'm gonna find out when the statement comes in. 690 00:40:00,813 --> 00:40:03,853 It doesn't matter because I'm going to get the money back anyway. 691 00:40:03,893 --> 00:40:07,333 If you're gonna get the money back, why don't you just...? 692 00:40:07,373 --> 00:40:08,973 Oh, God, here we go again. 693 00:40:09,013 --> 00:40:13,293 ♪ 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit 694 00:40:13,333 --> 00:40:15,693 ♪ I'm travelling at the speed of light 695 00:40:15,733 --> 00:40:19,013 ♪ I wanna make a supersonic man out of you... 696 00:40:19,053 --> 00:40:21,653 It's a good job you didn't have any of that pork, Mam. 697 00:40:21,693 --> 00:40:24,093 You'd have been crippled, with your funny stomach. 698 00:40:24,133 --> 00:40:28,093 I never go near pork. Disgusting animals. You have bacon. 699 00:40:28,133 --> 00:40:31,893 Bacon doesn't count. You've got to have bacon with your breakfast. 700 00:40:31,933 --> 00:40:34,773 And you like gammon. Aye, I like a bit of gammon. 701 00:40:34,813 --> 00:40:37,293 And what about pork sausages? 702 00:40:37,333 --> 00:40:38,933 Well, yeah. 703 00:40:38,973 --> 00:40:42,293 Apart from bacon, gammon and sausages. 704 00:40:42,333 --> 00:40:45,533 Apart from those, I wouldn't go anywhere near pork. 705 00:40:48,173 --> 00:40:50,373 You've been quiet. How was the beach? 706 00:40:50,413 --> 00:40:52,413 Yeah, it was all right. 707 00:40:52,453 --> 00:40:56,333 Is that it? Well, what do you want me to say? It's just a beach. 708 00:40:56,373 --> 00:40:59,253 All right, misery. 709 00:40:59,293 --> 00:41:04,293 ♪ I'm burning through the sky, yeah, 200 degrees, that's why 710 00:41:04,333 --> 00:41:07,173 Oh, Jesus. ♪ They call me Mr Fahrenheit... ♪ 711 00:41:07,213 --> 00:41:10,293 ♪ I don't know why he doesn't spend the night in there. 712 00:41:10,333 --> 00:41:12,773 He more or less has. 713 00:41:14,933 --> 00:41:17,053 ♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me, Don't stop me 714 00:41:17,093 --> 00:41:19,613 ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me... ♪ 715 00:41:19,653 --> 00:41:23,213 Well, I would love to know what went on down at that beach. 716 00:41:23,253 --> 00:41:25,333 You've not said a word since you've come back. 717 00:41:25,373 --> 00:41:28,253 You look like your dad, when I backed his Porsche into the pool. 718 00:41:28,293 --> 00:41:30,773 Don't ever, ever say I look like my dad! 719 00:41:30,813 --> 00:41:33,373 No, you take after your Mama 720 00:41:33,413 --> 00:41:36,453 when it comes to your beautiful face, don't you? Shut up! 721 00:41:38,133 --> 00:41:40,573 How has that pork not affected you? I'm fine. 722 00:41:40,613 --> 00:41:42,493 I know. I was asking how. 723 00:41:42,533 --> 00:41:44,813 You've always had a strong constitution, bubs. 724 00:41:44,853 --> 00:41:46,733 I suppose so, whatever that is. 725 00:41:47,933 --> 00:41:51,173 I feel like I've been flushed out by Dyno-Rod. Charming! 726 00:41:51,213 --> 00:41:52,813 What was that thing you had, 727 00:41:52,853 --> 00:41:55,053 when they shoved that hosepipe up your jacksy? 728 00:41:55,093 --> 00:41:57,213 All right, some of us are trying to eat. 729 00:41:57,253 --> 00:42:00,733 Colonic hydrotherapy. Absolutely horrendous. 730 00:42:00,773 --> 00:42:02,573 All right, I give up. 731 00:42:02,613 --> 00:42:05,613 That white sofa in our conservatory's never looked right since. 732 00:42:05,653 --> 00:42:09,053 How was the spa, today? A bit over-priced, to be honest. 733 00:42:09,093 --> 00:42:11,933 Mind you, I didn't have to - Hold that thought. 734 00:42:11,973 --> 00:42:13,853 ♪ ..through the sky, yeah 735 00:42:13,893 --> 00:42:16,853 ♪ 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit 736 00:42:16,893 --> 00:42:18,893 Anyone for pudding? 737 00:42:18,933 --> 00:42:20,853 ♪ I'm travelling at the speed of light 738 00:42:20,893 --> 00:42:23,813 ♪ I wanna make a supersonic woman of you 739 00:42:25,893 --> 00:42:27,653 ♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me 740 00:42:27,693 --> 00:42:29,413 ♪ Don't stop me ♪ Hey, hey, hey! 741 00:42:29,453 --> 00:42:32,093 ♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me, Ooh, ooh, ooh 742 00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:34,053 ♪ I like it! ♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me 743 00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:35,733 ♪ Have a good time, good time 744 00:42:35,773 --> 00:42:37,773 ♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me 745 00:42:37,813 --> 00:42:39,493 ♪ Whoa, yeah! 746 00:42:43,933 --> 00:42:45,933 Amazing. I feel like a new man. 747 00:42:45,973 --> 00:42:49,653 I told you. The high after a good training session is like nothing else on earth. 748 00:42:49,693 --> 00:42:53,013 Well, nearly. I'd go easy on them spuds, though. 749 00:42:53,053 --> 00:42:56,293 Best to avoid carbs, until you lose a bit of weight. 750 00:42:56,333 --> 00:42:59,133 You're joking? My body is a highly-tuned machine. 751 00:42:59,173 --> 00:43:01,093 I need to fuel the furnace. 752 00:43:01,133 --> 00:43:02,733 Ooh! 753 00:43:02,773 --> 00:43:05,013 Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. 754 00:43:05,053 --> 00:43:07,573 It's just a food stitch. I'll work through it. 755 00:43:07,613 --> 00:43:09,613 ♪ ..supersonic man out of you 756 00:43:09,653 --> 00:43:11,493 ♪ Don't stop me now 757 00:43:11,533 --> 00:43:13,533 ♪ I'm having such a good time... ♪ 758 00:43:13,573 --> 00:43:16,253 Miss Temple-Savage, you are OK? I'm fine. 759 00:43:16,293 --> 00:43:18,253 You will not lose your job. 760 00:43:18,293 --> 00:43:20,093 We will make sure of this. 761 00:43:20,133 --> 00:43:22,133 It's not that, it... 762 00:43:25,973 --> 00:43:27,573 Yes? 763 00:43:27,613 --> 00:43:30,133 Nothing. You have not heard from Squirrel? 764 00:43:30,173 --> 00:43:33,173 No, Mateo, I have not heard from Squirrel. 765 00:43:33,213 --> 00:43:36,813 He is just, as you say, lying on the low. 766 00:43:36,853 --> 00:43:39,493 He will come back. I hope so. 767 00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:42,013 I really do hope so. 768 00:43:50,613 --> 00:43:53,013 ♪ That's life... ♪ 769 00:43:53,053 --> 00:43:56,333 I see we've not heard anything more from that Dr Kundu. 770 00:43:56,373 --> 00:43:58,373 He knows he's in the wrong. 771 00:43:58,413 --> 00:44:01,573 He's lucky I'm not suing him from arsehole to breakfast time. 772 00:44:01,613 --> 00:44:04,693 I'm just glad we're all together, and that you're in good health. 773 00:44:04,733 --> 00:44:07,053 Good health? I'll outlive the lot of you. 774 00:44:07,093 --> 00:44:09,093 Why do I not doubt that? 775 00:44:10,133 --> 00:44:12,133 ♪ When I'm back on top 776 00:44:12,173 --> 00:44:14,173 ♪ Back on top in June? 777 00:44:14,213 --> 00:44:16,453 Excuse me, I think I'm wanted. 778 00:44:17,773 --> 00:44:19,773 ♪ That's life 779 00:44:19,813 --> 00:44:21,613 ♪ And, as funny as it may seem... 780 00:44:21,653 --> 00:44:24,213 Yeah, by who we haven't found out, yet. 781 00:44:24,253 --> 00:44:26,053 ♪ Get their kicks... ♪ 782 00:44:26,093 --> 00:44:28,213 Excuse me, Michael. 783 00:44:28,253 --> 00:44:29,853 Elena. 784 00:44:29,893 --> 00:44:31,893 You er, you left your shirt. 785 00:44:31,933 --> 00:44:34,133 Ah, right. Erm... 786 00:44:34,173 --> 00:44:36,813 Do you want a drink? Oh, no, I have to go. 787 00:44:36,853 --> 00:44:38,653 My uncle, he is waiting for me, 788 00:44:38,693 --> 00:44:42,293 but maybe you'll come by the beach again, tomorrow? 789 00:44:42,333 --> 00:44:44,333 Yeah, yeah, that sounds cool. 790 00:44:44,373 --> 00:44:46,373 Cool. 791 00:44:46,413 --> 00:44:47,973 ♪ ..a pawn and a king 792 00:44:48,013 --> 00:44:50,293 ♪ I've been up and down 793 00:44:50,333 --> 00:44:52,173 ♪ And over and out... ♪ 794 00:44:52,213 --> 00:44:54,213 Just don't say anything. 795 00:44:54,253 --> 00:44:56,253 Oh, God. 796 00:44:57,813 --> 00:45:00,093 I feel absolutely wiped out. 797 00:45:00,133 --> 00:45:02,133 Slag. 798 00:45:02,173 --> 00:45:03,973 I beg your pardon. 799 00:45:04,013 --> 00:45:06,013 Have I missed something? 800 00:45:08,093 --> 00:45:10,733 ♪ And then I'd fly 801 00:45:10,773 --> 00:45:13,293 ♪ I've been a puppet, a pauper... ♪ 802 00:45:13,333 --> 00:45:17,653 There you go, you deserve these drinks after all your hard work. 803 00:45:17,693 --> 00:45:19,693 Oh, thanks, Lesley, I feel like a new man. 804 00:45:19,733 --> 00:45:22,053 So do I, but where do you find one round here, eh? 805 00:45:22,093 --> 00:45:24,093 Ah, dear. 806 00:45:24,133 --> 00:45:26,733 ♪ Laying flat on my face 807 00:45:26,773 --> 00:45:29,733 ♪ I just pick myself up 808 00:45:29,773 --> 00:45:32,253 ♪ And get back in the race 809 00:45:32,293 --> 00:45:34,653 Oh, it's my dad's favourite song, this is. 810 00:45:34,693 --> 00:45:37,053 I never heard it before. You're joking? 811 00:45:37,093 --> 00:45:39,213 It's Frank Sinatra. Oh, yeah. 812 00:45:39,253 --> 00:45:41,053 It was his favourite. 813 00:45:42,173 --> 00:45:45,813 I remember, my dad had this signed album of his and on it was written, 814 00:45:45,853 --> 00:45:49,693 'May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear, be mine.' 815 00:45:49,733 --> 00:45:52,533 What was that other one he did? 816 00:45:52,573 --> 00:45:54,573 Was it Kinky Boots? 817 00:45:54,613 --> 00:45:57,453 No, hang on a minute, that was his daughter Nancy. 818 00:45:57,493 --> 00:46:00,173 Kenneth? I can't breathe. 819 00:46:00,213 --> 00:46:02,973 Are you all right? I can't breathe. 820 00:46:03,013 --> 00:46:07,333 What's up, love? What's up? 821 00:46:11,293 --> 00:46:15,853 ♪ My, my! ♪