1
00:00:29,621 --> 00:00:31,861
Good morning!
Morning.

2
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,861
Good morning. You're both up very
early.

3
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:37,501
Oh, yes. Jacqueline and I are both
early risers, aren't we?

4
00:00:37,541 --> 00:00:39,541
You certainly are!

5
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,141
Mm-hm!

6
00:00:41,181 --> 00:00:43,461
What you do in the privacy of your
own room...

7
00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:47,541
Oh, we're expecting quite a large
package today.

8
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:50,741
As I say, what you do
in the privacy -

9
00:00:50,781 --> 00:00:52,781
Oh. I'm sorry.

10
00:00:52,821 --> 00:00:54,141
You mean a delivery?

11
00:00:54,181 --> 00:00:57,021
Yes. Do you know if it's arrived?

12
00:00:57,061 --> 00:00:58,581
Sorry, I'm not working today.

13
00:00:58,621 --> 00:01:01,701
You'll have to ask one of my
extremely efficient members of staff.

14
00:01:01,741 --> 00:01:03,461
Don't worry, I'll ask this one.

15
00:01:03,501 --> 00:01:06,381
We're expecting a rather large
package.

16
00:01:06,421 --> 00:01:08,621
I wonder if you could keep an eye
open?

17
00:01:08,661 --> 00:01:11,581
Oh, I always do. It's Mr and Mrs
Stewart, isn't it?

18
00:01:11,621 --> 00:01:14,061
It is. Nee bother, I'll let you know
when it's here.

19
00:01:14,101 --> 00:01:17,501
We think it's gonna be
an absolute whopper.

20
00:01:17,541 --> 00:01:21,061
So we may need a hand with it,
if you know what I mean?

21
00:01:21,101 --> 00:01:23,101
Leave it to me.
Many thanks.

22
00:01:24,901 --> 00:01:27,581
Is it just me or does everything
those two say

23
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,661
sound like absolute filth?

24
00:01:29,701 --> 00:01:32,981
Your car should be here
in 15 minutes,

25
00:01:33,021 --> 00:01:34,701
Mrs Temple-Savage.
Thank you, Les.

26
00:01:34,741 --> 00:01:36,981
Now you're sure you're going to cope
without me?

27
00:01:37,021 --> 00:01:39,861
Being the manager of this place,
even for three days,

28
00:01:39,901 --> 00:01:41,661
is quite a responsibility, you know.

29
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:43,701
Manageress, you mean.

30
00:01:43,741 --> 00:01:46,461
I just have to pick up my best wig
from Blow And Go,

31
00:01:46,501 --> 00:01:49,221
do my make-up, and people won't
realise it's not you.

32
00:01:49,261 --> 00:01:51,261
How lovely that -

33
00:01:51,301 --> 00:01:53,301
I beg your pardon?

34
00:01:53,341 --> 00:01:55,821
I mean, the level of service
and that.

35
00:01:55,861 --> 00:01:57,861
Oh, right.

36
00:01:57,901 --> 00:02:00,861
Now don't forget, I've been told by
head office

37
00:02:00,901 --> 00:02:03,701
to start looking for
an assistant manager.

38
00:02:03,741 --> 00:02:05,741
Now is the time to impress.

39
00:02:05,781 --> 00:02:09,341
Assistant manager?
Go on, get your skates on.

40
00:02:09,381 --> 00:02:11,381
Right. Erm...

41
00:02:11,421 --> 00:02:14,181
I was thinking about probably not
using the roller skates,

42
00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:17,101
to be honest. It's quite difficult
to give someone a ticking off

43
00:02:17,141 --> 00:02:19,101
when you're falling arse over tit.

44
00:02:19,141 --> 00:02:21,141
No, I meant hurry up.

45
00:02:21,181 --> 00:02:23,941
Oh, right! Yes, right, on my way.

46
00:02:23,981 --> 00:02:26,861
And Mrs Temple-Savage, I don't know
where you're going

47
00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:28,901
on your little break,
but whoever he is,

48
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,941
he's a very lucky man.

49
00:02:30,981 --> 00:02:32,941
You look stunning.

50
00:02:32,981 --> 00:02:35,661
Well... one occasionally tries to
make an effort.

51
00:02:44,501 --> 00:02:46,501
Sorry!

52
00:02:55,461 --> 00:02:57,541
Are you getting up or what?

53
00:02:57,581 --> 00:02:59,821
I just want another half hour.

54
00:02:59,861 --> 00:03:02,221
I'm on holiday, for God's sake.

55
00:03:02,261 --> 00:03:04,501
It just seems a complete waste of
time lying in bed

56
00:03:04,541 --> 00:03:06,861
when there's gorgeous sunshine out
there. Tonya -

57
00:03:06,901 --> 00:03:09,261
It's not as if this is the last word
in luxury in here.

58
00:03:09,301 --> 00:03:11,381
That bed could be used
as Medieval torture.

59
00:03:11,421 --> 00:03:14,021
Tonya - I realise you had a lot to
drink last night,

60
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:17,221
but why you want to lie festering in
that pit any longer than you have to

61
00:03:17,261 --> 00:03:19,221
is a complete mystery -
Tonya!

62
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:25,541
Turn out the light and close the
door on your way out.

63
00:03:29,261 --> 00:03:31,181
The bulb's gone.
Good.

64
00:03:31,221 --> 00:03:33,221
Shall I tell the front desk?

65
00:03:34,021 --> 00:03:36,021
Clive.

66
00:03:36,061 --> 00:03:37,741
Clive.
For God's sake!

67
00:03:37,781 --> 00:03:39,781
Will you leave me alone?

68
00:03:51,821 --> 00:03:54,061
Miss Temple-Savage, your taxi has
been waiting.

69
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,141
Yes, I know.
I've had to change again

70
00:03:56,181 --> 00:03:58,701
thanks to Tweedle-Dum and
Tweedle-Dee out there.

71
00:03:58,741 --> 00:04:00,741
Who?
Never mind.

72
00:04:00,781 --> 00:04:03,461
Mrs Temple-Savage, do you know your
car's waiting for you?

73
00:04:05,021 --> 00:04:08,741
What on earth are you wearing?
I had Kenneth refresh my best wig

74
00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:11,461
for Lesley, but I can't get into
Blow And Go till it's open.

75
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:14,381
In the meantime, someone should try
and refresh that suit.

76
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:17,581
Looks like something they gave my
father after the war.

77
00:04:17,621 --> 00:04:19,341
Oh, don't you worry.

78
00:04:19,381 --> 00:04:21,901
As soon as it's open, I'll be
looking a million dollars.

79
00:04:21,941 --> 00:04:23,901
All in loose change.

80
00:04:23,941 --> 00:04:26,621
Right, I'm off.
Have a wonderful time.

81
00:04:26,661 --> 00:04:28,461
Oh, don't forget, Les.

82
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:32,181
This time next month, who knows?
You could be assistant manager.

83
00:04:32,221 --> 00:04:34,861
You really think so? This is your
chance to shine.

84
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:38,101
And with great office comes great
responsibility.

85
00:04:38,141 --> 00:04:40,461
Here are the keys for the vending
machines.

86
00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:45,501
I don't know what to say.
Hasta luego.

87
00:04:45,541 --> 00:04:48,461
Er, any problems, call me.

88
00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:50,501
Just go.
Luego.

89
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,541
I'm coming...

90
00:04:56,621 --> 00:04:59,301
Right, I want this reception area
tidied up.

91
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,341
It's an absolute disgrace.

92
00:05:02,661 --> 00:05:04,061
There's nothing wrong with it.

93
00:05:04,101 --> 00:05:06,781
I want to be able to eat my dinner
off this counter.

94
00:05:06,821 --> 00:05:08,461
Why don't you just use a plate?

95
00:05:08,501 --> 00:05:10,461
Or are they also in Blow And Go?

96
00:05:10,501 --> 00:05:12,381
Now let's get one thing straight,
Mateo.

97
00:05:12,421 --> 00:05:15,221
You and me might be mates, but
there's a new boss in town.

98
00:05:15,261 --> 00:05:17,781
Yes. And he's being an arsehole.

99
00:05:17,821 --> 00:05:19,741
Les, what is wrong with you?

100
00:05:19,781 --> 00:05:21,901
Is wearing men's clothes
making you upset?

101
00:05:21,941 --> 00:05:24,701
Now let's get one thing clear.
While Joyce is away,

102
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:28,061
what I say, goes. It's either my way
or the highway.

103
00:05:28,101 --> 00:05:31,181
What do you think you're doing? You
know there's no smoking inside.

104
00:05:31,221 --> 00:05:33,661
It's not lit.
Don't split hairs with me!

105
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,501
How's that splitting hairs?

106
00:05:35,541 --> 00:05:38,621
Are you gonna have a go at him for
having 20 unlit cigs in his pocket?

107
00:05:38,661 --> 00:05:41,581
I assume that's a packet of 20 or
are you just pleased to see me?

108
00:05:41,621 --> 00:05:43,621
That's enough!

109
00:05:43,661 --> 00:05:46,741
Right, you get this whole reception
area cleaned,

110
00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:48,941
and you get that salon opened.

111
00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:52,141
Hang on a minute. Who's died and
left you a personality in their will?

112
00:05:52,181 --> 00:05:54,341
They also left him that suit.

113
00:05:54,381 --> 00:05:58,701
Shut up! While Joyce is away, I am
acting assistant manager.

114
00:05:58,741 --> 00:06:00,781
There's only one thing you're
acting, love.

115
00:06:00,821 --> 00:06:02,261
And that's a complete dickhead.

116
00:06:02,301 --> 00:06:04,581
Now kindly excuse me while I stroll
into Benidorm

117
00:06:04,621 --> 00:06:05,661
and enjoy my ciggie.

118
00:06:05,701 --> 00:06:09,221
Don't worry, I'll make sure I'm at least
the Poniente Beach before I spark up.

119
00:06:10,581 --> 00:06:12,821
What time are you gonna open this
salon? Shove it!

120
00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:16,861
"My way or the highway."

121
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:18,941
I think he chose the highway.

122
00:06:27,101 --> 00:06:30,341
Where's my mam?
Gone to get your nana.

123
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:35,301
Didn't get any asleep again last
night with her coughing.

124
00:06:35,341 --> 00:06:37,381
I'm sure she appreciates your
concern (!)

125
00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:42,061
You're not hanging about with your
mate today?

126
00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:44,181
Nah, he's not really my mate.

127
00:06:44,221 --> 00:06:47,341
You're joking? You've been stuck to
him like shit to a blanket

128
00:06:47,381 --> 00:06:48,741
since you got here.

129
00:06:48,781 --> 00:06:51,181
And what does that mean?
Doesn't mean anything.

130
00:06:51,221 --> 00:06:52,981
And watch that tone of voice
of yours.

131
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,541
You might think you're a tough guy

132
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,821
but your wrists still go all
the way up your arms.

133
00:06:56,861 --> 00:06:58,941
And you think that's a reason to pick
on me?

134
00:06:58,981 --> 00:07:00,581
Who's picking on you?
You.

135
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,941
You're always picking on me.
Oh, Michael.

136
00:07:02,981 --> 00:07:05,541
Do us all a favour, go back to bed
and get up again

137
00:07:05,581 --> 00:07:07,741
when you've stopped behaving like a
dickhead.

138
00:07:07,781 --> 00:07:10,261
Sick to death of you talking to me
like I'm a little kid.

139
00:07:10,301 --> 00:07:12,021
Stop acting like one.
And if you think

140
00:07:12,061 --> 00:07:14,621
I'm ever coming on holiday with you
again, you're wrong.

141
00:07:14,661 --> 00:07:17,141
Oh no, what am I gonna do with all
that spare money (?)

142
00:07:17,181 --> 00:07:19,381
Buy some clothes that suit your age?

143
00:07:22,941 --> 00:07:25,261
Morning. Fab t-shirt!

144
00:07:37,261 --> 00:07:40,341
Come on, Mam. Half the day's gone
already.

145
00:07:40,381 --> 00:07:42,381
You sleep all right?

146
00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:44,141
Not really.

147
00:07:44,181 --> 00:07:45,541
I know what you mean.

148
00:07:45,581 --> 00:07:48,861
If it gets any hotter, I'll have to
set my alarm to wring my knickers out.

149
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,781
Is it the first today?

150
00:07:50,821 --> 00:07:53,221
Yeah. Pinch, punch,
the first of the month.

151
00:07:53,261 --> 00:07:55,101
First of August.

152
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,141
Yeah. Are you ready?

153
00:08:00,181 --> 00:08:03,021
That cough's no better, is it?

154
00:08:05,301 --> 00:08:09,701
Oh God, Mother.
What is it you want?

155
00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:13,501
Water? Cough sweets?

156
00:08:17,141 --> 00:08:19,141
I don't know what it is you're
pointing at.

157
00:08:19,181 --> 00:08:20,661
Do you want me to get the doctor?

158
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,701
Cigs. I want my cigs.

159
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,861
Oh, that's better.

160
00:08:41,901 --> 00:08:44,701
Right. Let's get you outside.

161
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:47,381
Bit of fresh air won't do you any
harm, either.

162
00:08:51,861 --> 00:08:53,861
Mother!

163
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:57,341
Yeah... I'm on my way out.

164
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,840
Urgh!

165
00:09:18,282 --> 00:09:21,202
Excuse me. Erm, do you have another
table?

166
00:09:23,962 --> 00:09:25,882
Table... non bien...

167
00:09:25,922 --> 00:09:27,522
Si. Come.

168
00:09:27,562 --> 00:09:29,422
Oh! Muchas gracias.

169
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,440
Thank you.

170
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,480
Oh, right.

171
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:35,520
Thank you.

172
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,520
Er, no, there's a...

173
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,560
Urgh...

174
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,880
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

175
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:07,640
Hey!
What do you think you're doing?

176
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,080
It's your father -
I mean, your mother.

177
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,080
Whatever he is, he told me to find
the key.

178
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,480
Liam! There you are, I've been
trying to phone you.

179
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,680
I need my best wig for Lesley.

180
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,080
It's gonna be so nice.
You're gonna look amazing.

181
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,640
I need it now so I can get changed
and get on with my job.

182
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,960
Oh, well, it won't be here till this
afternoon.

183
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,440
I sent it to Alicante to get it done
professionally.

184
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,480
You're supposed to be professionals.

185
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,760
You said it was important. It's
important that I have that wig now!

186
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,320
I can't believe... right!

187
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,280
I want all HODs in my office
in 15 minutes.

188
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:39,400
What are HODs?

189
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:40,720
You haven't got an office.

190
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:41,920
Heads of department!

191
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,520
In the manager's office. My office,
whilst Joyce is away.

192
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,120
Oh, now it is "Joyce"?

193
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,200
What happened to
"Miss Temple-Savage"?

194
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,680
I'll have none of your lip
or you're for the high jump.

195
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,840
My office, 15 minutes.

196
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,440
Oh my God...

197
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:00,960
When did my dad turn into Goebbels?

198
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,600
His face does not look like a gerbil.
It's more like an angry pig.

199
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,760
Can you make this quick? I've got
a corkscrew perm to relax at 1:00.

200
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,320
I was hoping to get a couple of
hours sun in before then.

201
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,160
Close your clapper. I'll be having
words with you at the end.

202
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,040
Don't you threaten me
with a good time!

203
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,800
Since my recent promotion
it has come to my notice

204
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,600
that everyone at The Solana needs to
up their game.

205
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,240
You have not been promoted.

206
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,520
You're just covering
for Miss Temple-Savage

207
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,160
while she's on holiday. Exactly. And
you only got that

208
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,200
cos you've been brown-nosing her so
much over the past fortnight.

209
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,680
The end of your nose looks like a
Werther's Original.

210
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,080
One more word out of you and I'll
cut off your electric.

211
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,120
You wouldn't dare!
Try me.

212
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:53,280
Right. Now we all understand each
other, let it be known -

213
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,880
"Let it be known"? Who do you think
are? Jesus?

214
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:59,720
Come on, out of all of them
I thought you'd be on my side.

215
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,800
But I'm just saying -
Leave it, Liam.

216
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,200
He's like a woman possessed.
Let it be known

217
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,400
that I will be making
detailed inspections

218
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,160
on all departments
as the day goes on.

219
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:13,080
Starting with housekeeping,
moving onto bar areas,

220
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:17,160
pool areas and The Solana's hair and
beauty salon Blow And Go.

221
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,480
That's if I'm lucky enough to find
it open!

222
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,880
Mr Les, please may I ask one
question?

223
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,080
You may. We have had a call from a
Mr Norman Wisdom.

224
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,760
Apparently he wants his suit back.

225
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,960
Oh my God! How do you know about
Norman Wisdom?

226
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,240
I used to love all his movies when I
was a bambino.

227
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,600
My favourite one -
All right, that's enough.

228
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:39,000
Mr Castellanos, you're on a final
warning.

229
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,720
Mr Du Beke, stay here.

230
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,760
The rest of you, move it.

231
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,640
I've got my eye on you.

232
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:57,240
And I've got your £400 wig on its
way from Alicante.

233
00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:01,000
So just calm yourself down or I
might have to ring them couriers

234
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,200
and get them to send it
on a little diversion.

235
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,200
You wouldn't dare.
Try me.

236
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,160
Don't mess with a queen, Les.

237
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,520
You might just end up
with a royal shafting.

238
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,960
How are you feeling now, Mam?
Better now you're in the sun.

239
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,120
Yeah.

240
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,960
Much better.

241
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,520
Where's our Michael?
He went off in a sulk.

242
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,240
I bet your mother's got an opinion
about what caused that.

243
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,080
I've not seen our Michael today.
I'm sure he'll be all right.

244
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,080
Any sign of your missing scooter,
Madge?

245
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,800
You had the perpetrators hunted down
and burnt at the stake yet?

246
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,480
It'll only be kids messing. I'm sure
they'll bring it back

247
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,520
when they're finished with it.

248
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,840
Anybody want a drink?
I'm off to the bar.

249
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,200
I'll get them, Mam.
No, don't worry.

250
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,880
It'll be nice to stretch my legs.
Back in a minute.

251
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,680
It looks like Madge.
It sounds like Madge.

252
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,560
It even smells like Madge, but...

253
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,640
..what the hell's going on?

254
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,680
I don't know.

255
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,080
Oh, Beverley. Should we go somewhere
else?

256
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,160
We're sitting right next to -
Don't move.

257
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,200
Sit down.

258
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,680
Is everything all right?

259
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:46,120
Don't speak. Just stay exactly as you
are.

260
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:52,040
I've never seen the sunlight
dancing in someone's eyes

261
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,080
quite that way before.

262
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,520
I think they're a bit glassy. Had
quite a late night last night.

263
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,320
Don't say a word.

264
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,360
What a fool I've been to wait this
long before meeting up again.

265
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,960
Well, I know you're a busy -
Ssh.

266
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,960
No words. Just let me drink you in.

267
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,280
Such poise. Such elegance.

268
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,280
Such - What is that smell?

269
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,120
That's what I've been trying to say.

270
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,000
I think we should move away from
that bin.

271
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,000
Beverley Westwood.

272
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,040
Hello? Speak!

273
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,040
No. How many times have I told you?

274
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,240
The hotel offers no discounts
whatsoever.

275
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,680
So what if they've been married 50
years.

276
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,240
Stick an umbrella in their Ovaltine.

277
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,240
I'm sorry, Joyce.
Where was I?

278
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:39,520
Erm... something about
poise and elegance.

279
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:43,040
Oh, yeah. Such poise. Such elegance.

280
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,920
I knew when we first met -

281
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,120
Oh for crying out loud.
Speak!

282
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,480
No, she can't have tomorrow morning
off.

283
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,280
I don't care if her father has died.

284
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,320
If she calls in sick, fire her.

285
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,400
I'm sorry about that.

286
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,960
Running a hotel can really get in the
way of one's social life.

287
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,160
But I don't need to tell you that.

288
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,240
Well, Beverley, is there anywhere -

289
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,280
Can I ask you a question, Joyce?

290
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,360
Yes. I know we've only been speaking
on the phone for a few days,

291
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,280
but I feel a real connection.

292
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,640
Do you?
I do.

293
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:24,080
And I was wondering if you'd like to
come over to my hotel?

294
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,600
Well, as I said on the phone, I'd be
very interested to see -

295
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,800
What is it now?

296
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,960
No! What is wrong with you people?

297
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,200
I've been away for less than an hour!

298
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,960
Hello? Hello?

299
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,280
Bloody battery. Have you got a phone?

300
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,320
Erm, yes.

301
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,560
Somewhere. Load of rubbish in
here...

302
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,640
Diego, can I use your phone?

303
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,320
Senor? Senor.

304
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,360
Here.

305
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,440
Cyril.
Joyce!

306
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,720
Mikey! What's going on?

307
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,560
Nothing.
Fancy coming for a wander?

308
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,400
- No, I don't.
- "No, I don't."

309
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,640
Just leave me alone. Everytime I hang
around with you, I get in trouble.

310
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,080
I could say the same thing about
you. Just go away.

311
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:27,160
Listen, Mikey, you don't seem to
have too many friends around here.

312
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,320
You should be thankful you've got me
as a mate.

313
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:32,800
Thankful? Thanks to you I've got a
tattoo, my nan's scooter got trashed,

314
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,920
nearly got caught selling drugs and
lost all my holiday money.

315
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,160
They weren't drugs,
they were tanning pills.

316
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,160
I got your money back for you, you
ungrateful - You lads all right?

317
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,360
Yeah. Yes, sweet, Mrs G.

318
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,560
I was just gonna nip out and get a
newspaper.

319
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,360
Oh. I didn't think reading was your
strong point.

320
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,160
Off you pop, then.

321
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,920
You stand there gawping much longer

322
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,600
and that haircut's in danger of
coming back into fashion.

323
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,320
Yeah. Yeah, cool...

324
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,360
Erm...

325
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,480
..see you later, Mikey.

326
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,480
You know, I've not really noticed
before,

327
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,600
but he's a bit of a dick that lad,
in't he?

328
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,640
Yeah, just a bit.

329
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,280
Do you fancy a swim?

330
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,320
Yeah, all right.
Come on.

331
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,720
Housekeeping.

332
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,840
Disgusting.

333
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,400
Oh dear.

334
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,320
What are you doing?!

335
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,360
What do you want?
Get off me!

336
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:07,720
Let me go! What are you doing?
I'm trying to get off you!

337
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,480
What the hell's going on here?

338
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,520
Don't just stand there!

339
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,840
I'm sorry, but I have no intention of
finishing off whatever he started.

340
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,920
Tonya. Where are you going?

341
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,640
Don't be ridiculous!

342
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,120
Oh! She's arrived!

343
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:36,600
Here she is. The last remains of Big
Donna. May she rest in pieces.

344
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:42,240
When I think of how full of life
she was, what a way to end up.

345
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,640
Well, every cloud
has a silver lining.

346
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,240
The last time she sat on someone's
knee,

347
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,280
they ended up with a
fractured thigh bone.

348
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:53,400
So we're taking Donna
on one last day out.

349
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,280
Absolutely. She always said she'd
get to Benidorm.

350
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,640
We're gonna send her off in style!

351
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,960
Mateo, you can't sneak us a big
bottle of water, can you?

352
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,440
We're off to the beach.
You cannot go to the beach

353
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,200
with your father being this crazy.

354
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,360
It is like the cats leaving the
sinking ship.

355
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:11,520
I think you mean mice.

356
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,960
OK, the cats leaving
the sinking mice. Whatever.

357
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,760
I'm still going to be left alone.

358
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,520
Come on, what are you waiting for?

359
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,320
Mateo won't give us
a bottle of water.

360
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,760
You can have the water. I'm just
jealous you're going to the beach.

361
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,160
Come with us, then.
I cannot.

362
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,240
I'm on a final warning.

363
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,280
From who?
From Les.

364
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,880
I think you're mad. He's got
absolutely no power over us.

365
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,240
If this was the '70s, someone would
blow a whistle

366
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:36,520
and be, "Everybody out!"

367
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,240
What does this mean?
I don't know.

368
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,080
It means we need a union.

369
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,800
And then when we're treated unfairly
all the staff walk out

370
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,840
until the management
meets our demands.

371
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,640
Are you giving us a bottle of water
or am I gonna have to drink

372
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,960
from that shower thing the kids wash
their feet with? Enjoy the beach.

373
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,360
Ssh.
Cheers, gorgeous. See you later.

374
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,480
Bye.
Luego.

375
00:20:56,080 --> 00:21:00,160
I think one quick cocktail
before we head off, n'est ce pas?

376
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,200
Oh, yes.

377
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,680
Pink Pussies all round, please.

378
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,440
Two Pink Pussies, no problem.

379
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,480
Three, actually.

380
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,560
One for our friend Donna.

381
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,800
She's never been to Benidorm before.

382
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,200
While I was in Thailand
I set up a dance company

383
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,040
with some of the people I met in
prison.

384
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,680
Prison?
A complete misunderstanding.

385
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,960
I was taking a short cut across a
field

386
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,160
when an old groin strain flared up.

387
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,800
I was giving it a good rub
when next thing I knew,

388
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:45,360
I've got two months in a Thai prison
for worrying a farmer's cattle.

389
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:50,760
Anyway, I set up this dance group.
They were mainly pensioners.

390
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:56,800
It combined elements of traditional
Thai dance and circus acrobatics.

391
00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:59,960
Our finale was the human pyramid.

392
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,760
The idea being to get over the
prison wall.

393
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:07,400
Well, I got over the wall, but the
pyramid collapsed,

394
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,800
killing five pensioners
and Chairman Mao.

395
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,800
Chairman Mao?

396
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:13,520
The prison cat.

397
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,560
I went from Thailand's
premier choreographer

398
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:20,560
to public enemy number one
in one admittedly graceful leap.

399
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,480
You don't have much luck, do you?

400
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,840
So I came to Spain to look for a
job, but, well, as you can see,

401
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,960
things haven't worked out.
Why didn't you come to me?

402
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,280
So many reasons.
Pride. Dignity.

403
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,880
Not being able to scrape together
enough money

404
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,920
for a can of Right Guard.

405
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,800
But listen to me rattling on.
You were waiting for someone.

406
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,600
No, I wasn't.

407
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:47,920
Well... I was, but... let's go for a
walk.

408
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,960
Are you sure?

409
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,760
I think you'll be doing me a favour.

410
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,040
Sorry about that. A barrel of monkeys
could do a better job...

411
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,200
Joyce?

412
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:13,880
Joyce?

413
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,600
These are very grave accusations
you're making, Mr Dyke.

414
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,360
Are you sure it was
a member of staff?

415
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,600
How else would he have got into my
room?

416
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,640
You might have left the door open.

417
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,880
He came into the room and launched
himself onto me.

418
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,920
Now I don't think that was the case.

419
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,760
How do you know?

420
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,960
Well... you don't look like someone
who's been launched upon.

421
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,320
Don't worry, I soon pulled him off.

422
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,520
Well, that would certainly send him
running.

423
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,480
OK, I've got all the details.
Young lad, in his 30's.

424
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,840
"Young lad"?
I didn't say that.

425
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,960
He was a right old ugly bastard.

426
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,800
Really?

427
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,280
Oh, yeah. He was like a fat goblin
bearing down on me.

428
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,200
Can you imagine that?

429
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:03,600
Not really.

430
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,640
And he had this weird accent.

431
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:10,320
Actually, now I come to think of it,
he sounded a bit like you.

432
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,040
Where are you from?

433
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,080
Me?

434
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,480
I'm originally from
Tunbridge Wells

435
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,840
although I did spend quite a lot of
time on the Costas.

436
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,400
Right, well, I'll certainly file
this complaint

437
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,680
and if we hear any more,
we'll let you know.

438
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,920
Wasn't your hair a different colour
yesterday?

439
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,560
I do believe that's a lady's
prerogative.

440
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,560
Bloody nylon rubbish!

441
00:25:05,763 --> 00:25:08,983
What's going on? I thought we came
on holiday to get some sun.

442
00:25:08,989 --> 00:25:12,029
What are we doing sitting in here?
It's a family meeting, Michael.

443
00:25:12,069 --> 00:25:13,749
It's nice in here, in't it?

444
00:25:13,789 --> 00:25:16,669
Didn't know they had somebody
playing the piano during the day.

445
00:25:18,109 --> 00:25:20,829
Right, let's get this sorted out.

446
00:25:20,869 --> 00:25:23,789
What have you done with Madge?
What are you talking about?

447
00:25:23,829 --> 00:25:26,229
Mick - You're one of them
dopplegangers, aren't you?

448
00:25:26,269 --> 00:25:28,509
I once saw a Hammer House Of Horror
film like this.

449
00:25:28,549 --> 00:25:31,989
In a minute, we're all gonna wake up
in the back of an ambulance in the 1970s.

450
00:25:32,029 --> 00:25:35,069
I haven't a clue what you're talking
about. None of us have, Mother.

451
00:25:35,109 --> 00:25:37,229
We just wanted to check that...

452
00:25:38,229 --> 00:25:40,389
..well, that you're feeling OK.

453
00:25:40,429 --> 00:25:42,429
I'm OK.

454
00:25:43,909 --> 00:25:45,709
It's just that...
What?

455
00:25:45,749 --> 00:25:48,469
What they want to know is why are you
being so nice?

456
00:25:48,509 --> 00:25:51,189
Nice?
Yeah, it's freaking everybody out.

457
00:25:51,229 --> 00:25:53,069
I don't know what you're talking
about.

458
00:25:53,109 --> 00:25:55,869
I'm just enjoying being on holiday
with my family.

459
00:25:55,909 --> 00:25:59,149
Look what I found!

460
00:25:59,189 --> 00:26:01,669
You got it!
You got it back!

461
00:26:01,709 --> 00:26:04,029
Where was it?
It was just left outside.

462
00:26:04,069 --> 00:26:07,709
I knew they'd bring it back. It was
just some kids having a bit of fun.

463
00:26:08,909 --> 00:26:10,909
Here you are, son.

464
00:26:12,989 --> 00:26:16,269
Are you sure you can remember the
combination of the lock on that purse?

465
00:26:16,309 --> 00:26:19,669
No, please, Mrs G. I wouldn't dream
of taking money from you.

466
00:26:19,709 --> 00:26:21,589
I'm just happy
you got your scooter back.

467
00:26:21,629 --> 00:26:24,869
Actually, it's Mrs H.

468
00:26:25,909 --> 00:26:27,909
Thank you very much.
No problem.

469
00:26:29,029 --> 00:26:31,029
Mikey.

470
00:26:35,269 --> 00:26:37,269
What a lovely lad.

471
00:26:37,309 --> 00:26:40,669
Restores your faith in human
kindness, doesn't it?

472
00:28:06,229 --> 00:28:08,269
Ola. Can I help you?

473
00:28:08,309 --> 00:28:10,549
Yeah. Do you know why this place is
never open?

474
00:28:10,589 --> 00:28:12,909
Yes. The owner, he has a problem.

475
00:28:12,949 --> 00:28:16,429
What's the problem?
He is... how you say?

476
00:28:16,469 --> 00:28:18,509
Fat and lazy.
Brilliant!

477
00:28:18,549 --> 00:28:21,029
But maybe I can help you.
How do you mean?

478
00:28:21,069 --> 00:28:26,069
Well, I am a barman but I also work
part-time as a... hair stylist.

479
00:28:26,109 --> 00:28:28,749
Really?
Yes. Just not today.

480
00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:31,749
May I?

481
00:28:34,589 --> 00:28:38,749
Ah, yes, yes. Beautiful hair.

482
00:28:38,789 --> 00:28:41,869
Yes. I think you would suit a...

483
00:28:43,589 --> 00:28:45,669
..'chopitos.'
What's that?

484
00:28:46,469 --> 00:28:50,549
It's a very fashionable style
that goes around your ears

485
00:28:50,589 --> 00:28:52,949
and your neck...

486
00:28:54,429 --> 00:28:56,429
What the hell do you think
you're doing?

487
00:28:56,469 --> 00:28:58,669
Nothing.
Is this man bothering you?

488
00:28:58,709 --> 00:29:00,949
He said he was a hairdresser?
That one?

489
00:29:00,989 --> 00:29:02,829
A hairdresser?

490
00:29:02,869 --> 00:29:05,469
He thinks a finger wave is something
you do for foreplay.

491
00:29:05,509 --> 00:29:07,389
OK, I'm not a hairdresser,

492
00:29:07,429 --> 00:29:10,189
but you don't have to be a farmer to
stroke a cow.

493
00:29:10,229 --> 00:29:12,229
What?

494
00:29:14,309 --> 00:29:16,949
Oh, right. Well, I'm afraid our
award-winning salon

495
00:29:16,989 --> 00:29:20,429
isn't open at the moment, but if
you'd like to come back later...

496
00:29:20,469 --> 00:29:22,629
Is that it?
I'm sorry?

497
00:29:22,669 --> 00:29:23,989
You're not gonna sack him?

498
00:29:24,029 --> 00:29:26,069
Well, it's just -
I want to see the manager.

499
00:29:26,109 --> 00:29:28,069
He is the manager.
I mean, she is.

500
00:29:28,109 --> 00:29:31,549
I have just been intimidated and
harassed and humiliated

501
00:29:31,589 --> 00:29:34,629
by a member of your staff, and you
ain't gonna do nothing about it?

502
00:29:34,669 --> 00:29:36,709
I could have a field day with this,
you know.

503
00:29:36,749 --> 00:29:38,469
Now I don't think that's necessary.

504
00:29:38,509 --> 00:29:40,269
"No win, no fee", and all that.

505
00:29:40,309 --> 00:29:42,389
Look, I'm sure we can sort this out.

506
00:29:42,429 --> 00:29:44,429
So sort it.

507
00:29:48,909 --> 00:29:51,469
Mateo... you're sacked.

508
00:29:53,309 --> 00:29:55,109
What?
I'm sorry, Mateo.

509
00:29:55,149 --> 00:29:57,429
She's right. You'll have to collect
your things.

510
00:29:57,469 --> 00:29:59,469
You're sacked.

511
00:29:59,509 --> 00:30:01,509
You cannot sack me.

512
00:30:01,549 --> 00:30:04,269
I am the manageress
and you're sacked.

513
00:30:08,669 --> 00:30:13,149
Fine. I go. I do not need to work for
no crazy drag queen.

514
00:30:13,189 --> 00:30:14,829
I'll tell Joyce you said that.

515
00:30:14,869 --> 00:30:16,869
I was talking about you.

516
00:30:19,429 --> 00:30:21,429
We're running a very tight ship
here.

517
00:30:37,269 --> 00:30:39,989
Oh, that was a bit of a climb!

518
00:30:40,029 --> 00:30:44,109
And one worth every step.
Just look at that view.

519
00:30:44,149 --> 00:30:46,149
Oh, yes.

520
00:30:47,629 --> 00:30:49,149
Shall I say a few words?

521
00:30:49,189 --> 00:30:51,189
That'll be lovely.

522
00:30:57,829 --> 00:31:03,349
Dearest Donna, you were more than a
friend. More than a woman.

523
00:31:03,389 --> 00:31:07,349
In fact, as in the words of the
great Lionel Ritchie,

524
00:31:07,389 --> 00:31:11,389
you were quite literally
three times a lady.

525
00:31:11,429 --> 00:31:15,589
Incredibly popular.
Amazingly talented.

526
00:31:15,629 --> 00:31:19,549
One of the few women I knew who
could open a bottle of ketchup

527
00:31:19,589 --> 00:31:21,589
without the use of her hands.

528
00:31:21,629 --> 00:31:25,589
Till we meet again, dear Donna.

529
00:31:25,629 --> 00:31:27,629
Rest in peace.

530
00:31:28,669 --> 00:31:30,629
Rest in peace.

531
00:31:32,709 --> 00:31:34,349
What on earth's wrong?

532
00:31:34,389 --> 00:31:37,629
Her head!
They didn't cremate her head!

533
00:31:47,909 --> 00:31:49,909
You know what this reminds me of?

534
00:31:49,949 --> 00:31:51,949
As if I could forget.

535
00:31:51,989 --> 00:31:56,229
Stolen moments together.
Faliraki, '91, '92.

536
00:31:56,269 --> 00:31:58,629
Your wife wasn't stupid.

537
00:31:58,669 --> 00:32:00,669
She knew I had feelings for you.

538
00:32:00,709 --> 00:32:04,709
When Genevieve was on her deathbed,
she said she had a confession.

539
00:32:04,749 --> 00:32:06,749
I said I did, too.

540
00:32:06,789 --> 00:32:10,269
And I told her how much time you and
I had spent together

541
00:32:10,309 --> 00:32:15,389
during that season and those
afternoons of ice cream and kisses.

542
00:32:15,429 --> 00:32:19,109
Oh my goodness.
What was her confession?

543
00:32:20,789 --> 00:32:22,589
For the last ten years of our
marriage,

544
00:32:22,629 --> 00:32:25,269
she'd bought Happy Shopper
instant coffee

545
00:32:25,309 --> 00:32:27,509
and put it in a Nescafe jar.

546
00:32:28,629 --> 00:32:32,349
I think being honest with each other
brought us closer together

547
00:32:32,389 --> 00:32:34,389
for her last few hours.

548
00:32:36,909 --> 00:32:40,469
Strange how fate keeps throwing us
together, Joyce.

549
00:32:42,869 --> 00:32:44,869
Maybe it's a sign.

550
00:32:44,909 --> 00:32:47,429
A sign we shouldn't ignore.

551
00:32:52,189 --> 00:32:54,189
You're dribbling.

552
00:32:54,229 --> 00:32:57,269
I can't really help it.
It's been some time.

553
00:32:57,309 --> 00:32:59,309
No, I mean your ice cream.

554
00:32:59,349 --> 00:33:01,349
Oh, oh!

555
00:33:05,909 --> 00:33:08,749
Now this is what
I call a day off.

556
00:33:08,789 --> 00:33:10,789
Definitely.

557
00:33:14,949 --> 00:33:18,349
Oh my God.
Look at that.

558
00:33:18,389 --> 00:33:20,749
Unless it's a six-foot
Brazilian gymnast

559
00:33:20,789 --> 00:33:23,669
emerging from the sea in nothing but
a see-through thong,

560
00:33:23,709 --> 00:33:25,709
I am not opening my eyes.

561
00:33:25,749 --> 00:33:28,149
It's Joyce Temple-Savage
snogging a tramp.

562
00:33:28,189 --> 00:33:30,189
There are, however, exceptions.

563
00:33:34,829 --> 00:33:36,829
Oh, God!

564
00:33:38,669 --> 00:33:41,629
Where do we go from here,
Joyce?

565
00:33:41,669 --> 00:33:43,669
I'm not sure.

566
00:33:43,709 --> 00:33:47,309
We could always have a quick paddle.
No, I mean in our relationship.

567
00:33:47,349 --> 00:33:51,189
In the talent show of life it feels
as if we're about to go through

568
00:33:51,229 --> 00:33:53,229
to the judge's houses.

569
00:33:53,269 --> 00:33:55,269
I beg your pardon?

570
00:33:55,309 --> 00:33:58,709
Marry me, Joyce.
Let's own the stage together.

571
00:33:58,749 --> 00:34:00,829
Let's make the song our own.

572
00:34:00,869 --> 00:34:03,189
It's a "yes" from me!

573
00:34:07,949 --> 00:34:10,269
What have I done?
It's a head!

574
00:34:10,309 --> 00:34:12,469
Oh my God, it's somebody's head!

575
00:34:25,589 --> 00:34:27,509
What is it?
It's my dad's wig.

576
00:34:27,549 --> 00:34:29,669
What on earth is going on?

577
00:34:29,709 --> 00:34:33,349
It's my dad's wig. These courier
companies are getting very slapdash.

578
00:34:33,389 --> 00:34:35,389
Why isn't your salon open?

579
00:34:35,429 --> 00:34:37,389
We've just been waiting for our
delivery.

580
00:34:37,429 --> 00:34:40,189
Come on, Liam. Where the bloody hell
did that come from?

581
00:34:40,229 --> 00:34:42,229
I have no idea.

582
00:34:42,269 --> 00:34:44,269
It wasn't a head?

583
00:34:44,309 --> 00:34:46,309
No, it was a wig.

584
00:34:46,349 --> 00:34:48,349
I think it's time I went back to
work.

585
00:34:48,389 --> 00:34:51,069
Come on, you could have a bath.

586
00:34:54,029 --> 00:34:56,829
Inocente! Inocente!

587
00:34:56,869 --> 00:34:59,549
Mateo, this has all got out of hand.

588
00:34:59,589 --> 00:35:01,709
Did you not see me winking?

589
00:35:01,749 --> 00:35:03,549
You sacked me.
I have witnesses.

590
00:35:03,589 --> 00:35:06,629
Oh for God's sake.

591
00:35:08,709 --> 00:35:12,469
Mr Castellanos, is it true you deny
all the allegations of harassment

592
00:35:12,509 --> 00:35:14,749
against you? I have spoken to my
solicitor

593
00:35:14,789 --> 00:35:17,989
and the one thing I can say to you is
these 'allegrations'

594
00:35:18,029 --> 00:35:20,029
put inside me are a huge phallus.

595
00:35:20,069 --> 00:35:22,069
Don't you mean 'fallacy'?

596
00:35:22,109 --> 00:35:24,109
Whatever.

597
00:35:24,149 --> 00:35:26,029
It's five Euros an hour.

598
00:35:26,629 --> 00:35:28,749
And as much fizzy pop and crisps as
you can eat.

599
00:35:28,789 --> 00:35:31,389
I'm not seven. It's all inclusive,
anyway.

600
00:35:31,429 --> 00:35:33,869
Look, are you in or are you out?

601
00:35:33,909 --> 00:35:35,909
Yeah, I'm in.

602
00:35:35,949 --> 00:35:38,469
Where do you want these?
Behind that bar.

603
00:35:38,509 --> 00:35:41,349
Then I need you to go on reception
with young Michael.

604
00:35:43,309 --> 00:35:45,309
No problem.

605
00:35:45,349 --> 00:35:46,989
Come on then, get your finger out.

606
00:35:47,029 --> 00:35:49,629
Isn't that what you said to the bloke
you've just sacked?

607
00:35:51,509 --> 00:35:53,429
I love a demonstration.

608
00:35:53,469 --> 00:35:55,509
I for one think it's disgusting.

609
00:35:55,549 --> 00:35:57,389
Up the workers, I say.

610
00:35:57,429 --> 00:36:00,869
Especially that cute one at the end.
What's your stance on the situation?

611
00:36:00,909 --> 00:36:02,909
It's an absolute farce, innit?
I mean...

612
00:36:02,949 --> 00:36:04,869
What are we demonstrating about?

613
00:36:04,909 --> 00:36:07,469
I have been sacked by Lesley.
What? You're joking?

614
00:36:07,509 --> 00:36:09,509
It was bound to happen, wasn't it?

615
00:36:09,549 --> 00:36:12,469
She was a five foot hormonal dam
waiting to burst, that one.

616
00:36:14,029 --> 00:36:16,429
Meanwhile, despite this ongoing
dispute,

617
00:36:16,469 --> 00:36:20,269
Kenneth Du Beke's world-famous hair
and beauty emporium, Blow And Go,

618
00:36:20,309 --> 00:36:22,029
will be open for business
throughout.

619
00:36:22,069 --> 00:36:24,749
Come to Blow And Go just inside the
Hotel Solana.

620
00:36:24,789 --> 00:36:26,789
You'll be glad you did.

621
00:36:28,029 --> 00:36:29,989
Mateo, what on earth is going on?

622
00:36:30,029 --> 00:36:32,029
Ask Lesley. She's the one who sacked
me.

623
00:36:32,069 --> 00:36:34,949
Hey, Squirrel.
Long time, no see.

624
00:36:34,989 --> 00:36:37,709
Are you OK?
Mrs Temple-Savage,

625
00:36:37,749 --> 00:36:41,829
do you have any comment?
Oh! Oh my God!

626
00:36:41,869 --> 00:36:43,629
She most certainly does not!

627
00:36:43,669 --> 00:36:46,669
Give the lady some space, please.

628
00:36:47,909 --> 00:36:50,309
Listen, Mikey, I don't know why
you're scared of me.

629
00:36:50,349 --> 00:36:53,069
I'm not scared of you. I'm just sick
of getting into trouble.

630
00:36:53,109 --> 00:36:54,989
Just having a bit of fun, mate.

631
00:36:55,029 --> 00:36:57,789
But I know what you mean. Things did
start to get a bit hairy.

632
00:36:58,949 --> 00:37:00,949
Truce?

633
00:37:00,989 --> 00:37:02,909
Truce.
Nice one.

634
00:37:04,029 --> 00:37:06,189
Oh. And I know that's not my nana's
scooter.

635
00:37:06,229 --> 00:37:09,229
It's one you've just stolen. Yeah,
well, as long as she's happy.

636
00:37:12,189 --> 00:37:14,189
Yeah, Solana. What do you want?

637
00:37:14,229 --> 00:37:16,709
Mrs Temple-Savage. What are you
doing here?

638
00:37:20,269 --> 00:37:22,309
What the hell's going on?

639
00:37:22,349 --> 00:37:25,269
We're just experiencing a minor
staff malfunction,

640
00:37:25,309 --> 00:37:28,029
but I've got everything under
control. Under control?

641
00:37:28,069 --> 00:37:30,309
It's like a scene from Oliver!!

642
00:37:30,349 --> 00:37:32,709
Get Mateo and those workers back in
here

643
00:37:32,749 --> 00:37:34,749
and get rid of these children now!

644
00:37:34,789 --> 00:37:37,029
But, Mrs Temple-Savage -
Now!

645
00:37:37,069 --> 00:37:39,349
There you go.
Special delivery.

646
00:37:39,389 --> 00:37:41,389
What have you done to it?

647
00:37:41,429 --> 00:37:44,469
Come on, let's get to a telly. I
hope they don't make me look fat.

648
00:37:45,869 --> 00:37:47,869
Lesley!

649
00:37:50,309 --> 00:37:53,229
Hello, I'd like to book a single
room for a -

650
00:37:53,269 --> 00:37:55,829
For goodness sake, get away from
that desk!

651
00:37:55,869 --> 00:37:57,869
Go on, get away.

652
00:37:58,949 --> 00:38:02,029
Joyce, this is absolute chaos.
I know.

653
00:38:02,069 --> 00:38:04,549
I leave the place for half a day and
look at it.

654
00:38:04,589 --> 00:38:08,629
It's ridiculous, you trying to run
this whole place single-handed.

655
00:38:08,669 --> 00:38:12,269
I know. I had my eye on Lesley as
assistant manager

656
00:38:12,309 --> 00:38:15,669
but after this she'll be lucky if I
keep her on mopping floors.

657
00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:19,269
What? What is it?

658
00:38:19,309 --> 00:38:22,909
Of course.
You could do it!

659
00:38:22,949 --> 00:38:27,229
I appreciate the offer, but mopping
floors isn't exactly my -

660
00:38:27,269 --> 00:38:30,429
Cyril, I wouldn't ask you to mop a
floor.

661
00:38:31,429 --> 00:38:34,509
I'm talking about assistant manager.

662
00:38:34,549 --> 00:38:37,269
Joyce, I... I don't know what to say.

663
00:38:37,309 --> 00:38:39,309
Let's get you cleaned up.

664
00:38:40,549 --> 00:38:42,829
I'm going to put you
in the bridal suite.

665
00:38:42,869 --> 00:38:46,269
It's got a four-speed jacuzzi and I
could always come in and...

666
00:38:47,269 --> 00:38:49,269
..wash your back for you.

667
00:38:49,309 --> 00:38:51,309
Let's not rush into things, Joyce.

668
00:38:51,349 --> 00:38:55,429
It's been a while since I've
been... intimate with anyone.

669
00:38:55,469 --> 00:38:58,629
I need a while to, well... get my
bearings.

670
00:39:01,989 --> 00:39:05,629
Get your bearings? I think I'll need
a map and compass.

671
00:39:08,297 --> 00:39:10,497
♪ What a day this has been

672
00:39:10,649 --> 00:39:13,409
♪ What a rare mood I'm in

673
00:39:13,449 --> 00:39:17,969
♪ Why, it's almost like being in
love... ♪

674
00:39:18,929 --> 00:39:21,369
What a day.
I know.

675
00:39:21,409 --> 00:39:24,969
Drink up, I've ordered another two.
Purely medicinal, of course.

676
00:39:25,009 --> 00:39:27,889
It didn't even look like Donna.

677
00:39:27,929 --> 00:39:31,689
You don't think they sent the wrong
person, do you?

678
00:39:31,729 --> 00:39:33,969
How many times do I
have to tell you?

679
00:39:34,009 --> 00:39:36,809
That was a representation of Donna.

680
00:39:36,849 --> 00:39:40,889
It's very Egyptian including a bust
of yourself

681
00:39:40,929 --> 00:39:42,969
along with your last worldly goods.

682
00:39:43,009 --> 00:39:45,969
How do you know so much about all
this?

683
00:39:46,009 --> 00:39:48,089
Old Necro Norris the undertaker

684
00:39:48,129 --> 00:39:50,489
was very knowledgeable
about these matters.

685
00:39:50,529 --> 00:39:54,049
♪ And from the way that I feel... ♪

686
00:39:54,089 --> 00:39:57,129
Mr and Mrs Stewart?
Yes?

687
00:39:57,169 --> 00:39:59,769
This box came for you today,
but nobody could find you.

688
00:40:02,529 --> 00:40:04,889
Hello? Did you hear me?

689
00:40:04,929 --> 00:40:09,089
Yes, yes. Er, sorry, erm...

690
00:40:09,129 --> 00:40:11,129
Thank you.
No problem.

691
00:40:17,889 --> 00:40:20,169
Thank you! See you all again after
the break.

692
00:40:20,209 --> 00:40:22,009
Take it, Dave.

693
00:40:22,049 --> 00:40:25,409
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
I don't know what came over me.

694
00:40:25,449 --> 00:40:28,889
People being assaulted in their
rooms, child labour,

695
00:40:28,929 --> 00:40:30,009
a staff walkout.

696
00:40:30,049 --> 00:40:33,769
Holiday makers being propositioned
in communal areas!

697
00:40:33,809 --> 00:40:36,009
Now that was Mateo -
No, Lesley.

698
00:40:36,049 --> 00:40:38,609
It was your responsibility under
YOUR watch.

699
00:40:38,649 --> 00:40:41,129
That's what working in management is
all about.

700
00:40:41,169 --> 00:40:44,969
When I was under Richard Branson and
things got hard,

701
00:40:45,009 --> 00:40:47,209
I never tried to wriggle out of it.

702
00:40:49,289 --> 00:40:52,769
The thing is, Lesley,
some were born to lead

703
00:40:52,809 --> 00:40:57,289
while others merely to follow.
I'll get us a table.

704
00:40:58,569 --> 00:41:00,449
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.

705
00:41:00,489 --> 00:41:03,329
I suppose that assistant manager
job's out the window.

706
00:41:03,369 --> 00:41:05,529
I'm sorry, Lesley.
You've more chance

707
00:41:05,569 --> 00:41:08,209
of becoming Miss Benidorm 2013.

708
00:41:13,129 --> 00:41:15,889
I think I'd better get pressing a
bit of flesh.

709
00:41:15,929 --> 00:41:18,649
Aren't you and Mr Babcock going to
have dinner first?

710
00:41:22,329 --> 00:41:25,329
I'm talking about appeasing our
clientele.

711
00:41:25,369 --> 00:41:27,369
I'm sorry.

712
00:41:28,569 --> 00:41:30,569
That was absolutely lovely.

713
00:41:30,609 --> 00:41:32,809
I thought that chicken
was a bit dry.

714
00:41:32,849 --> 00:41:36,289
Yeah, it was horrible. They're
catering for a lot of people.

715
00:41:36,329 --> 00:41:38,369
I think they do a smashing job.

716
00:41:39,569 --> 00:41:41,169
Do you want to go out for a cig,
Mam?

717
00:41:41,209 --> 00:41:43,809
- No, I'm stopping.
- What?!

718
00:41:43,849 --> 00:41:46,649
What do you mean, stopping?
I'm stopping smoking.

719
00:41:49,649 --> 00:41:52,929
Ooh, look.
Sponge and custard!

720
00:41:57,369 --> 00:41:59,369
It's like an old people's home in
here.

721
00:41:59,409 --> 00:42:02,209
This is officially the worst holiday
I've ever had.

722
00:42:02,249 --> 00:42:03,529
Think yourself lucky.

723
00:42:03,569 --> 00:42:06,529
At least you didn't get groped by a
dirty old man today.

724
00:42:06,569 --> 00:42:09,609
Didn't I? Who in their right mind
would grope you?

725
00:42:09,649 --> 00:42:11,529
Shut up. What are you talking about,
baby?

726
00:42:11,569 --> 00:42:13,969
I knew they wouldn't sack him.
Wouldn't sack who?

727
00:42:16,329 --> 00:42:18,969
Bianca!
What's been going on?

728
00:42:19,009 --> 00:42:20,689
I said I don't want
to talk about it!

729
00:42:20,729 --> 00:42:22,729
Now look what you've done.

730
00:42:28,129 --> 00:42:30,689
"Dear Donald and Jacqueline.

731
00:42:30,729 --> 00:42:36,449
Please find enclosed the last
remains of dear departed Donna.

732
00:42:36,489 --> 00:42:40,329
Give her a good send off, guys."

733
00:42:40,369 --> 00:42:44,089
So, if these are Donna's ashes,

734
00:42:44,129 --> 00:42:47,489
what was that we tipped into the sea
today?

735
00:42:47,529 --> 00:42:51,369
I don't know. But I'm not sure I can
go through all that again.

736
00:42:51,409 --> 00:42:53,489
Me neither.

737
00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:56,649
Let's finish our dinner,
sleep on it,

738
00:42:56,689 --> 00:42:58,889
and decide what to do with her in
the morning.

739
00:42:58,929 --> 00:43:00,929
Yeah.

740
00:43:05,289 --> 00:43:08,449
It's no good, I can't get a minute
to myself in here.

741
00:43:08,489 --> 00:43:12,649
I'd say let's go somewhere else, but
as you know, I'm absolutely broke.

742
00:43:12,689 --> 00:43:16,009
Cyril?
Yes, Joyce?

743
00:43:16,049 --> 00:43:19,609
Would you like to have your pudding
in my room?

744
00:43:19,649 --> 00:43:22,209
I haven't seen what's on offer yet.

745
00:43:22,249 --> 00:43:24,409
I think you know exactly what's on
offer.

746
00:43:24,449 --> 00:43:27,649
Joyce. I've been calling you all
afternoon.

747
00:43:27,689 --> 00:43:30,169
Oh. I don't have my phone with me.

748
00:43:30,209 --> 00:43:34,529
Cyril, this is Beverley Westwood.
He manages the Hotel Alberta.

749
00:43:36,089 --> 00:43:38,529
Look, I'm sorry about this lunchtime.

750
00:43:38,569 --> 00:43:41,409
I came out of the restaurant and you
must have gone to the loo.

751
00:43:41,449 --> 00:43:44,169
Unfortunately, I had to head back to
the hotel.

752
00:43:44,209 --> 00:43:48,129
But I've completely cleared my diary
for this evening.

753
00:43:49,329 --> 00:43:52,369
I'm sorry, Beverley. This evening
isn't convenient.

754
00:43:52,409 --> 00:43:54,409
I've booked a table at The Belroy.

755
00:43:54,449 --> 00:43:57,729
I'm sorry, Beverley. I don't think
you quite understand.

756
00:43:57,769 --> 00:44:01,129
Do you know how difficult it is to
get a table at The Belroy?

757
00:44:01,169 --> 00:44:03,169
No, my friend.

758
00:44:03,209 --> 00:44:05,329
I don't think YOU understand.

759
00:44:05,369 --> 00:44:08,889
Who's he? Now please, Beverley.
Don't make a scene.

760
00:44:08,929 --> 00:44:11,729
Hang on a minute, I recognise you.

761
00:44:11,769 --> 00:44:15,449
Didn't I have you thrown out of the
grounds of my hotel last week

762
00:44:15,489 --> 00:44:17,369
for going through the bins?

763
00:44:17,409 --> 00:44:19,569
I very much doubt it.

764
00:44:19,609 --> 00:44:21,889
So this is what you're turning me
down for, Joyce?

765
00:44:21,929 --> 00:44:23,729
A dirty old tramp?

766
00:44:23,769 --> 00:44:25,529
Say that again.
Gladly.

767
00:44:25,569 --> 00:44:29,609
A dirty old desperate
embarrassing tramp!

768
00:44:29,649 --> 00:44:33,009
You have ten seconds to leave,

769
00:44:33,049 --> 00:44:35,649
before you get a bloody good
pasting.

770
00:44:35,689 --> 00:44:38,849
You what? You couldn't paste a roll
of wallpaper!

771
00:44:40,609 --> 00:44:43,129
Boys, boys, please...

772
00:44:43,169 --> 00:44:46,089
Where do you think you're going?
I didn't do anything, I swear.

773
00:44:46,129 --> 00:44:50,009
Didn't do anything? My daughter is
absolutely inconsolable!

774
00:44:50,049 --> 00:44:51,409
Mum, just leave it!

775
00:44:51,449 --> 00:44:53,809
Is he the one that touched you?

776
00:44:53,849 --> 00:44:56,289
OK, so maybe I touched her hair, but
this was all -

777
00:44:56,329 --> 00:45:00,169
You touched my daughter's hair?
What kind of a pervert are you?

778
00:45:00,209 --> 00:45:03,729
Excuse me! We can't see the stage!

779
00:45:03,769 --> 00:45:05,049
Come on, just calm it down.

780
00:45:05,089 --> 00:45:06,649
Get out of my way!

781
00:45:06,689 --> 00:45:08,969
You, me, outside, now!

782
00:45:09,009 --> 00:45:11,649
Don't worry. I'll look
after this one. Ow!

783
00:45:11,689 --> 00:45:13,689
Come here, you!

784
00:45:13,729 --> 00:45:18,009
Well, I suppose I should let you
know what's going on.

785
00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:21,449
What? You're right. I have had what
you might call

786
00:45:21,489 --> 00:45:23,609
a different outlook on life
recently.

787
00:45:23,649 --> 00:45:25,649
And for good reason.

788
00:45:25,689 --> 00:45:27,129
Go on.

789
00:45:27,169 --> 00:45:29,729
Well, I've kept it to myself, but...

790
00:45:30,769 --> 00:45:35,329
..five months ago to the day,
I went to see Dr Kundu.

791
00:45:36,329 --> 00:45:38,329
And... well...

792
00:45:39,649 --> 00:45:41,649
..he gave me six months to live.

793
00:45:50,089 --> 00:45:52,089
I probably should have told you.

794
00:45:55,849 --> 00:45:57,929
You! It was you in my room!

795
00:45:57,969 --> 00:46:01,009
This place is full of perverts!

796
00:46:10,369 --> 00:46:13,009
♪ Don't give us none of your
aggravation

797
00:46:13,049 --> 00:46:15,689
♪ We've had it with your discipline

798
00:46:15,729 --> 00:46:19,270
♪ Saturday night's all right for
fighting... ♪

799
00:46:19,294 --> 00:46:51,280
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