1 00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:32,460 Ah, good morning, sunshine. 2 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,380 Another day in paradise. 3 00:00:35,420 --> 00:00:37,620 Oh, I think we've missed breakfast. 4 00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:40,860 But, ooh-hoo, it was certainly worth it. 5 00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:44,420 Oh. 6 00:00:44,460 --> 00:00:46,140 Oh... It's gay Derek. 7 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,860 Oh, lovely. 8 00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:52,100 'Hi, Donald and Jacqueline, have you heard the news about Big Donna?' 9 00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:54,140 Is she all right? 10 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,340 No. 11 00:00:56,380 --> 00:00:58,740 No, she most certainly is not all right. 12 00:00:58,780 --> 00:01:00,740 What's wrong? 13 00:01:00,780 --> 00:01:03,700 Jacqueline, I think you may be in need of a stiff one 14 00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,420 before I tell you what's happened. 15 00:01:05,460 --> 00:01:06,460 Ooh. 16 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,900 Where are you going? 17 00:01:08,940 --> 00:01:10,620 You said... 18 00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:13,460 Oh, sorry! You meant a drink. 19 00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:16,540 I'll get them in, you go and get the sun-beds. 20 00:01:21,780 --> 00:01:24,580 No, I'm not apologising to no-one. 21 00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:26,900 It wasn't Clive's fault our Michael got a tattoo. 22 00:01:26,940 --> 00:01:29,060 He wasn't there! Then why was he so defensive? 23 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:31,820 You punched him in the face! I didn't punch him in the face. 24 00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:34,820 He pushed me and I pushed him back. It amounts to the same thing. 25 00:01:34,860 --> 00:01:36,540 All right. Well, if I do that to you, 26 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,820 is that the same as punching you in the face? 27 00:01:38,860 --> 00:01:40,540 Did you just push me? No... 28 00:01:40,580 --> 00:01:42,260 I was just showing you. 29 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:44,380 Did you just push ME?! 30 00:01:44,420 --> 00:01:46,220 All right, Jan. Calm down. 31 00:01:46,260 --> 00:01:48,980 Excuse me. Do you need any assistance? 32 00:01:49,020 --> 00:01:52,340 What, defending myself against him? You must be joking. 33 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,940 It's, Mr Gravy. Isn't it? Garvey. 34 00:01:54,980 --> 00:01:56,660 I feel it only fair to inform you, 35 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,420 that your behaviour last night did not go unnoticed. 36 00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:01,460 What? In fact, far from it. 37 00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:03,980 Under the new Solana Group directive 38 00:02:04,020 --> 00:02:08,780 we are now required to log all activities of KNOWN troublemakers. 39 00:02:08,820 --> 00:02:12,380 Known troublemakers, you're taking the piss, aren't you? 40 00:02:12,420 --> 00:02:17,020 10:38, threatening behaviour 41 00:02:17,060 --> 00:02:23,340 and using obscene language towards Solana staff. 42 00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:25,060 You've gotta be joking! 43 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,620 We apologise. I'll keep my eye on him. 44 00:02:27,660 --> 00:02:29,540 Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute. 45 00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:31,260 I'm not apologising to nobody. 46 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:35,100 You're telling me, you're gonna write down the name of every person who swears? 47 00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:37,780 Cos you're gonna need a damn sight bigger book than that. 48 00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:42,780 10:39, more swearing and shouting. 49 00:02:42,820 --> 00:02:45,980 'Damn' isn't swearing and that wasn't shouting! 50 00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:49,700 I'd keep my head down if I were you. 51 00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:53,100 Being arrested at an airport isn't the best start to anybody's holiday. 52 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:56,860 No need to make things worse. What did you know about that? 53 00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:59,020 You're a guest in my hotel, Mr Gravy. 54 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:01,260 It's my business to know. 55 00:03:03,660 --> 00:03:06,260 And it's Garvey. 56 00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:08,300 Come on. 57 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,260 The man's an animal. 58 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:13,620 I regret the day I let my daughter marry him. 59 00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:16,220 Well, it's all water under the bridge. Is it? 60 00:03:16,260 --> 00:03:18,740 You said you were gonna rip his head off this morning. 61 00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:21,580 Shut up, you. Oh, and you'd be right to. 62 00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:24,540 It's the only language people like that understand. 63 00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:27,620 And after the things he said he was going to do to you. 64 00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:30,460 Oh, yeah. What things? 65 00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:33,020 Oh, I'm not one for telling tales. 66 00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:35,380 I just mind my own business. 67 00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:40,500 All though, some of the things he was saying about you'd make your hair curl. 68 00:03:40,540 --> 00:03:43,300 Well, like you, we're not ones for telling tales. 69 00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:45,180 Go on. Oh, no. 70 00:03:45,220 --> 00:03:47,020 I'm not getting involved. 71 00:03:49,220 --> 00:03:53,020 But I do think he had a cheek going on about how short you are. 72 00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:56,420 He's not exactly the Jolly Green Giant himself. 73 00:03:56,460 --> 00:03:58,460 And who's he to call you ugly? 74 00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:00,940 As I said to my daughter last night, 75 00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:03,900 I'm sure you make up for it in personality. 76 00:04:05,740 --> 00:04:06,740 Right. 77 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,620 Enjoy your morning. 78 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:14,620 Morning. 79 00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:23,380 OK, team. I won't keep you very long. 80 00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:25,860 Just to say that we have now, more or less, 81 00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:28,580 weeded out the last of the bogus wrist bands. 82 00:04:28,620 --> 00:04:31,940 All genuine Solana residents have now been issued 83 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,140 with the new pink style band. 84 00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:36,060 But if anybody's acting suspicious, 85 00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:37,940 please ask them for their room number 86 00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:39,900 and check against the database. 87 00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:41,740 How do we do that? Sorry? 88 00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:44,860 Well, if we're serving behind the pool bar, 89 00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:47,700 we want to find out if someone is genuine resident, 90 00:04:47,740 --> 00:04:51,220 and they haven't just bought their wrist band in a pub, 91 00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:52,940 how do I check the database? 92 00:04:54,140 --> 00:04:57,340 Erm... Ah, we ask them to describe their room. 93 00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,140 Very good, Mateo. 94 00:04:59,180 --> 00:05:01,300 I'm glad to see someone's thinking on their feet. 95 00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:04,100 And if they say it is nice and comfortable 96 00:05:04,140 --> 00:05:07,660 we know we are smelling the rats. 97 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:10,500 Just send them to the front desk, I'll check their identity. 98 00:05:10,540 --> 00:05:12,620 Morning. What's that? 99 00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:15,820 What's it got to do with you? You're bringing it into my hotel, 100 00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,540 that's what it's got to do with me. 101 00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:22,900 And now it's going into my salon, so keep your fat nose out. 102 00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:24,620 I think you've got a lovely nose. 103 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,300 Class dismissed! 104 00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:37,500 Do you really think you can get away with speaking to me like that?! 105 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:40,620 Yes! 106 00:05:40,660 --> 00:05:42,340 Right. I'll put the coffees on, 107 00:05:42,380 --> 00:05:45,180 you keep an eye out for Grotbags. And when the coast is clear, 108 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,700 we get this shifted round to the pool bar. 109 00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:49,780 I don't think we're gonna get away with this. 110 00:05:49,820 --> 00:05:53,140 That's what the Chuckle Brothers said and look at them now. 111 00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:01,180 I still can't believe it. 112 00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:04,180 I thought Big Donna would live forever. 113 00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:06,100 It's certainly a lot to take in. 114 00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:08,740 When did it happen? Last Friday. 115 00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:12,420 At the Bognor Regis over 60s Bisexual Alliance. 116 00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:14,420 Oh, heck. That's a mouthful. 117 00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:17,300 Apparently those were Big Donna's last words. 118 00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:20,500 Really? Is that how she died? 119 00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:24,340 I'm afraid so. Well, that does surprise me. 120 00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:28,340 People always used to say she could breath through her ears. 121 00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:32,060 Yes, I think that was just a figure of speech. 122 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,740 Oh, I suppose we've missed the funeral? 123 00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:37,860 It's today. Apparently Jackson's Pie Shop 124 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:40,740 are having a late night opening as a mark of respect. 125 00:06:40,780 --> 00:06:42,460 Oh, lovely. 126 00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,780 Well. they've realised now that Donna's dead 127 00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:47,580 they'll probably be out of business by the end of the month. 128 00:06:47,620 --> 00:06:49,300 Oh, Donna. 129 00:06:49,340 --> 00:06:51,260 Why don't we have another drink? 130 00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:53,180 Toast a life well lived. 131 00:06:53,220 --> 00:06:54,900 Oh, yes. 132 00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:58,340 Two triple chocolate fudge martinis 133 00:06:58,380 --> 00:07:02,020 with butterscotch sauce and whipped cream. 134 00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:03,780 It's what she would've wanted. 135 00:07:03,820 --> 00:07:05,500 Sugared rim? 136 00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:08,020 No, let's just have the drinks. 137 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,580 He's not happy with you, that Clive. 138 00:07:14,620 --> 00:07:16,300 Mother, just leave it. 139 00:07:16,340 --> 00:07:19,380 Should've heard the things he was saying about you this morning. 140 00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:21,100 He was turning the air blue. 141 00:07:21,140 --> 00:07:23,540 I'm surprised you've got time for a holiday, Madge. 142 00:07:23,580 --> 00:07:26,540 What with shit-stirring being a full-time job for you these days. 143 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:28,300 No need for language like that. 144 00:07:28,340 --> 00:07:30,260 I know you've had no education, 145 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:35,220 but there's no reason to drag everybody down to your level. 146 00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:37,260 Who are you texting? Our Michael. 147 00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:39,140 Oh, you won't see him again today. 148 00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:41,460 Not after the battering you gave him last night. 149 00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:44,500 Never laid a finger on that lad. Never mind Childline, 150 00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:47,500 I'm surprised he hasn't had Esther Rantzen's mobile number 151 00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:49,220 tattooed on his other arm. 152 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,620 Oh, when's this ever gonna stop?! You what? 153 00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:53,940 The lies, the nastiness. 154 00:07:53,980 --> 00:07:57,260 The constant embarrassment of a bony, venom-spitting carcass, 155 00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:59,580 who has no consideration for anyone but herself! 156 00:07:59,620 --> 00:08:01,300 Who are you talking about? You! 157 00:08:01,340 --> 00:08:03,380 I'm talking about you! Who did you think? 158 00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:05,260 Well, I knew it wasn't our Janice. 159 00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:08,780 She's never been what you could call bony! Look, there you go again. 160 00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:11,580 Right, that's enough. Honest to God, you're like kids. 161 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,940 Is there any chance at all we could just sit here 162 00:08:13,980 --> 00:08:15,900 and have one peaceful morning? 163 00:08:15,940 --> 00:08:18,020 Just a few hours without screaming, 164 00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:20,300 shouting, arguing, or causing a fuss! 165 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:23,220 Ah-ha-ha! 166 00:08:23,260 --> 00:08:24,940 What the frigging hell is this?! 167 00:08:34,860 --> 00:08:36,700 Hello again. 168 00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:38,660 Fancy seeing you here. 169 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,700 Woo-hoo-hoo! 170 00:08:51,216 --> 00:08:54,096 Never, in all my years in the travel industry, 171 00:08:54,107 --> 00:08:56,619 and that includes four years under Richard Branson, 172 00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,903 have I witnessed such appalling behaviour. 173 00:08:58,943 --> 00:09:00,943 I know. They just sat there. 174 00:09:00,983 --> 00:09:02,663 Open mouthed, just looking at us. 175 00:09:02,703 --> 00:09:06,623 Not one of the miserable bastards joined in. Ha-ha! 176 00:09:06,663 --> 00:09:08,543 Very amusing! Thank you. 177 00:09:08,583 --> 00:09:10,263 I mean, it's not as if you're kids 178 00:09:10,303 --> 00:09:13,543 that can be put across somebody's knee, grown men the lot of you. 179 00:09:13,583 --> 00:09:15,863 Oh, yeah. You can put me across your knee. 180 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:18,543 You know, there's only one thing I like better than a MILF 181 00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:20,783 and that's a GMILF with attitude. 182 00:09:22,543 --> 00:09:25,383 What on Earth is a GMILF? You're ridiculous! 183 00:09:25,423 --> 00:09:27,823 I mean, how old are you? 42?! 184 00:09:27,863 --> 00:09:31,903 A GMILF stands for a Grandmother I'd like to... 42?! 185 00:09:31,943 --> 00:09:34,263 I'm sorry, is that a joke? I'm 36. 186 00:09:34,303 --> 00:09:37,943 Look, I know this isn't exactly St Tropez, it's Benidorm. 187 00:09:37,983 --> 00:09:39,663 But we must have standards. 188 00:09:39,703 --> 00:09:43,783 Therefore, I'm going to have to ask you to pack your bags and leave. 189 00:09:43,823 --> 00:09:45,903 A partial refund will be sent to you 190 00:09:45,943 --> 00:09:48,143 via your travel agent within 28 days. 191 00:09:48,183 --> 00:09:49,863 Look, look, look, Joyce. 192 00:09:49,903 --> 00:09:51,983 I'm getting married. 193 00:09:52,023 --> 00:09:54,343 My commiserations to the bride. 194 00:09:54,383 --> 00:09:57,143 Oh, thank you. And, well, look, I asked my best man Martin 195 00:09:57,183 --> 00:10:00,703 where in the world should I go and spend my last few days as a free man? 196 00:10:00,743 --> 00:10:02,423 And can you guess what he said to me? 197 00:10:02,463 --> 00:10:05,023 Something like, "Please take a step back, 198 00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,343 your breath is beginning to affect my vision"? 199 00:10:07,383 --> 00:10:10,463 No, he said Benidorm. 200 00:10:10,503 --> 00:10:12,743 And as Martin is in charge of my stag weekend, 201 00:10:12,783 --> 00:10:16,423 Benidorm is where we came. And Benidorm is where you can stay. 202 00:10:16,463 --> 00:10:18,223 Just not in my hotel. 203 00:10:18,263 --> 00:10:20,943 Look, I don't mean to be vulgar. 204 00:10:20,983 --> 00:10:22,863 But my friend is mind-numbingly rich... 205 00:10:22,903 --> 00:10:24,583 He's right. 206 00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:26,423 And I'm sure we can, you know, 207 00:10:26,463 --> 00:10:33,983 sort out any problems with a large donation to, you know, you. 208 00:10:34,023 --> 00:10:37,423 My decision is final. This is a four-star establishment, 209 00:10:37,463 --> 00:10:39,783 we do not cater for over-privileged idiots. 210 00:10:39,823 --> 00:10:43,063 So, you can take yourselves and your inherited money elsewhere. 211 00:10:43,103 --> 00:10:47,423 Look. There's about 400 Euros there. 212 00:10:47,463 --> 00:10:52,143 Is there any chance of getting some breakfast by the pool? 213 00:10:52,183 --> 00:10:54,703 I'll have it sent over straight away. 214 00:10:54,743 --> 00:10:56,743 Boys. We're in! 215 00:11:04,143 --> 00:11:06,823 So, you've definitely got a spare plug socket? 216 00:11:06,863 --> 00:11:08,983 Do you mean for electric-tricity? 217 00:11:09,023 --> 00:11:12,143 Of course. What is it for? I'm afraid I can't tell you that. 218 00:11:12,183 --> 00:11:14,703 Suffice to say, there won't be one person at the Solana 219 00:11:14,743 --> 00:11:17,703 that doesn't know that the grand re-opening of Blow and Go is - 220 00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:19,423 Stop talking. 221 00:11:26,343 --> 00:11:31,063 Hiya, can I have three beers and an orange juice please? 222 00:11:31,103 --> 00:11:33,423 Hiya. 223 00:11:33,463 --> 00:11:35,863 I'm Liam. Go away. 224 00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:38,023 No, I won't go away. Don't be so rude. 225 00:11:38,063 --> 00:11:39,743 Look, I have work to do. 226 00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:42,503 How many times I have to tell you to stop with your interfere? 227 00:11:42,543 --> 00:11:44,503 Just because I haven't got muscles or a tan 228 00:11:44,543 --> 00:11:46,623 doesn't make me any less of a man than you are. 229 00:11:46,663 --> 00:11:49,423 Just go. I said you can put your plug in my socket later. 230 00:11:49,463 --> 00:11:51,303 Just make sure nobody find out. 231 00:11:51,343 --> 00:11:53,343 Go. 232 00:11:55,623 --> 00:11:58,943 Your friend all right? Of course. He can be a little, 233 00:11:58,983 --> 00:12:01,383 how do you say, sensitive. 234 00:12:01,423 --> 00:12:03,103 Yeah, he looks it. Listen. 235 00:12:03,143 --> 00:12:07,703 There was a barman here yesterday, blonde hair, blue eyes... 236 00:12:07,743 --> 00:12:10,303 Yes, we have big trouble with this one. He has gone. 237 00:12:10,343 --> 00:12:13,223 What do you mean gone? Gone, finished, goodbye. 238 00:12:13,263 --> 00:12:15,663 He leave town. We were supposed to have a date. 239 00:12:15,703 --> 00:12:18,143 Really? With this one who was here? 240 00:12:18,183 --> 00:12:20,703 Oh, no. Yeah, whatever. It's fine. 241 00:12:20,743 --> 00:12:23,703 Listen. This one. He was no good for you. 242 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,943 You need a nice guy. 243 00:12:25,983 --> 00:12:28,063 A man who will take care of you. 244 00:12:28,103 --> 00:12:29,863 A man who appreciate your style, 245 00:12:29,903 --> 00:12:31,703 your beauty. 246 00:12:31,743 --> 00:12:34,983 Thanks. I'll keep looking. 247 00:12:35,023 --> 00:12:38,263 I hope everything works out with your boyfriend. 248 00:12:38,303 --> 00:12:40,463 What? Hey, come back. 249 00:12:40,503 --> 00:12:42,183 I am not a moofalata! 250 00:12:45,383 --> 00:12:48,183 Well, look who's still here. 251 00:12:48,223 --> 00:12:51,103 Eight pints and Jaegerbomb chasers if you please. 252 00:12:51,143 --> 00:12:54,783 - Get them in! - Get them in! Get them in! 253 00:12:54,823 --> 00:12:56,823 Get them in! Get them in! 254 00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:13,303 You still haven't told me exactly what this is. 255 00:13:13,343 --> 00:13:17,103 Shh! I said it's our new advertising campaign. 256 00:13:17,143 --> 00:13:20,143 Which, incidentally, is going to make us so much money 257 00:13:20,183 --> 00:13:23,263 your little russet gusset is going to be a damp as an otter's pocket. 258 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:27,183 Now, as the Catholic priest said to the altar boy, get your end up. 259 00:13:37,343 --> 00:13:39,183 Undiluted scum. 260 00:13:39,223 --> 00:13:42,063 They are a bit rowdy. 261 00:13:42,103 --> 00:13:44,063 Oh, and here comes our Michael. 262 00:13:44,103 --> 00:13:47,423 That's another screaming match to add to the madness. 263 00:13:47,463 --> 00:13:50,503 No, it's not. What's done is done. 264 00:13:50,543 --> 00:13:52,863 Wasn't exactly your attitude last night. 265 00:13:52,903 --> 00:13:54,903 Thought you were gonna skin the lad alive. 266 00:13:54,943 --> 00:13:57,183 Don't start that rubbish again. 267 00:13:57,223 --> 00:14:00,263 We'll get the tattoo removed when we get home and while we're here 268 00:14:00,303 --> 00:14:03,223 we'll keep it covered up and say no more about it. Agreed? 269 00:14:03,263 --> 00:14:04,703 Yeah. 270 00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:07,383 Madge, agreed? It's nothing to do with me. 271 00:14:09,423 --> 00:14:11,383 Hiya, son. Did you have a nice sleep in? 272 00:14:11,423 --> 00:14:13,503 Yeah, a bit. But then I went to the shops. 273 00:14:13,543 --> 00:14:15,223 Did you get owt good? 274 00:14:15,263 --> 00:14:17,983 Dad, I know you're real mad at me about getting this tattoo. 275 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:19,783 No. I was just saying, son. 276 00:14:19,823 --> 00:14:21,783 I'm sorry for shouting at you last night. 277 00:14:21,823 --> 00:14:24,343 Let's just forget all about it till we get home, eh? 278 00:14:24,383 --> 00:14:27,463 I just wanted to say though, it weren't the other lad's fault. 279 00:14:27,503 --> 00:14:29,543 It weren't Tiger's fault, it was mine. 280 00:14:29,583 --> 00:14:31,263 I got drunk and I wanted the tattoo. 281 00:14:31,303 --> 00:14:33,223 Don't stop me hanging round with him. 282 00:14:33,263 --> 00:14:35,463 I mean, he's the only person here who's my age. 283 00:14:35,503 --> 00:14:38,183 You can hang around with me. 284 00:14:38,223 --> 00:14:40,343 Please. 285 00:14:40,383 --> 00:14:42,343 We'll see. 286 00:14:42,383 --> 00:14:44,383 Hey. Shall we go for a swim? No. 287 00:14:44,423 --> 00:14:46,783 I bought you all presents to say I'm sorry. 288 00:14:46,823 --> 00:14:49,383 Oh, Michael. You didn't have to do that. 289 00:14:49,423 --> 00:14:50,423 Mum. 290 00:14:53,263 --> 00:14:54,263 Dad. 291 00:14:54,303 --> 00:14:56,063 And, Nana. I got you some cigs. 292 00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,823 Oh, Michael. It's beautiful. 293 00:15:03,783 --> 00:15:06,943 Do you not like yours, Dad? 294 00:15:06,983 --> 00:15:08,783 I'm sorry I shouted at you, son. 295 00:15:08,823 --> 00:15:10,823 I'm sorry for being an idiot. 296 00:15:10,863 --> 00:15:13,103 Come here. 297 00:15:13,143 --> 00:15:15,223 Oh. I love you, son. 298 00:15:15,263 --> 00:15:17,263 Never forget that, yeah? Yeah. 299 00:15:20,943 --> 00:15:24,743 And I wonder where the money came from to buy all these presents. 300 00:15:24,783 --> 00:15:27,623 Don't be so bloody ungrateful. He's got his spending money. 301 00:15:27,663 --> 00:15:29,343 Not that sort of money. 302 00:15:29,383 --> 00:15:32,223 Them watches aren't market rubbish, they're the real thing. 303 00:15:32,263 --> 00:15:33,943 I should know. 304 00:15:33,983 --> 00:15:36,823 Yeah, cos you're dripping in designer jewellery aren't you? 305 00:15:36,863 --> 00:15:38,743 He's been on the rob. 306 00:15:38,783 --> 00:15:40,503 I know that guilty embarrassed face. 307 00:15:40,543 --> 00:15:43,583 I've seen it often enough. What, every time you look in the mirror? 308 00:15:43,623 --> 00:15:45,543 Me? What have I got to look guilty about? 309 00:15:45,583 --> 00:15:47,263 Oh, I don't know. Maybe because 310 00:15:47,303 --> 00:15:49,743 you're a nasty, complaining, ungrateful old woman, 311 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,143 who can't open her mouth without either being rude 312 00:15:52,183 --> 00:15:54,743 or hurting someone's feelings! 313 00:15:54,783 --> 00:15:56,463 Oh, for God's sake. Michael! 314 00:15:56,503 --> 00:15:58,543 I'll go. 315 00:16:00,663 --> 00:16:02,783 Trust him to get the cheap ones. 316 00:16:06,263 --> 00:16:11,263 Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! 317 00:16:14,703 --> 00:16:17,543 This is crazy, it's not even midday. 318 00:16:17,583 --> 00:16:19,383 Here you are, love. Plug that in for us. 319 00:16:19,423 --> 00:16:21,823 You can't leave all this wire trailing everywhere, 320 00:16:21,863 --> 00:16:23,783 it's a health and safety hazard, man. 321 00:16:23,823 --> 00:16:26,663 That's rich coming from a chain-smoking tranny in a nylon wig. 322 00:16:31,503 --> 00:16:33,303 Right, that's it. I'm off to get Joyce. 323 00:16:33,343 --> 00:16:36,863 OK, OK. I think this calls for some slightly more organised drinking games. 324 00:16:36,903 --> 00:16:40,143 Barman, bring us two tables, a broom 325 00:16:40,183 --> 00:16:43,183 and 50 shots over to that far corner. 326 00:16:43,223 --> 00:16:47,343 Hey, hey. I am not your slave and we have no games for drinking. 327 00:16:47,383 --> 00:16:50,303 This is against the rules. Sorry, where are my manners? 328 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,463 I forgot to give you a tip. I do not need your money. 329 00:16:53,503 --> 00:16:55,543 I suggest you little boys go down to the beach 330 00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:57,783 and play your stupid games there. 331 00:16:57,823 --> 00:16:59,583 What size broom did you want? 332 00:17:04,143 --> 00:17:06,183 Bit to the left. Bit more. 333 00:17:07,743 --> 00:17:11,263 Oh, my goodness. She's quite impressive, isn't she? 334 00:17:11,303 --> 00:17:14,863 She's incredible. I've never seen anything so amazing in my life. 335 00:17:14,903 --> 00:17:16,983 She only cost me 50 Euros for the week. 336 00:17:17,023 --> 00:17:19,943 What? Mind you, I did have to provide my own lettering. 337 00:17:19,983 --> 00:17:22,063 What the hell's going on! 338 00:17:22,103 --> 00:17:25,263 Just a bit of advertising for the salon. Get that shifted now! 339 00:17:25,303 --> 00:17:26,983 Oh, what is your problem? 340 00:17:27,023 --> 00:17:29,463 I'm bringing a free attraction to the hotel. 341 00:17:29,503 --> 00:17:31,503 Kids love inflatables. See! 342 00:17:33,023 --> 00:17:35,023 I think he's stuck. 343 00:17:38,663 --> 00:17:40,663 No, no. 344 00:17:54,463 --> 00:17:56,463 Look away! 345 00:18:03,103 --> 00:18:06,023 No, I'm sorry. It just doesn't say Solana. 346 00:18:06,063 --> 00:18:07,743 Yes, it does. Along the bottom. 347 00:18:07,783 --> 00:18:10,183 No, I mean it doesn't fit in with our brand. It's big, 348 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,903 loud, tacky, and too noisy. 349 00:18:11,943 --> 00:18:15,583 Talking of which. Can't you do something about Prince Harry and his squadron? 350 00:18:15,623 --> 00:18:18,783 I don't see what the problem is, we've had stag parties here before. 351 00:18:18,823 --> 00:18:21,383 Yes, and you always come down on them like a ton of bricks 352 00:18:21,423 --> 00:18:23,263 when they start getting rowdy. 353 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:25,943 Which one are you shagging? 354 00:18:25,983 --> 00:18:27,663 I beg your pardon?! 355 00:18:27,703 --> 00:18:31,543 Oi! If you don't get those idiots shifted from out that pool 356 00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:33,303 I'll shift 'em for you. 357 00:18:33,343 --> 00:18:35,423 And believe me, you don't want that! 358 00:18:35,463 --> 00:18:37,583 For goodness sake. What's wrong with you all? 359 00:18:37,623 --> 00:18:39,743 It's not as if they're hurting anyone. 360 00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,423 Get that shifted. 361 00:18:55,143 --> 00:18:57,663 Come on. Let's go outside. It's daft to be stuck in here 362 00:18:57,703 --> 00:18:59,703 when it's lovely and sunny out there. 363 00:18:59,743 --> 00:19:01,943 I've really messed up this time, ain't I? 364 00:19:01,983 --> 00:19:04,263 No, not really. 365 00:19:04,303 --> 00:19:06,303 Least they spelt it right. 366 00:19:08,823 --> 00:19:11,143 You didn't pinch them watches, did you? No. 367 00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:13,183 I've got the receipt here. 368 00:19:20,823 --> 00:19:22,743 190 Euros for two watches. 369 00:19:22,783 --> 00:19:24,903 Where did you get that sort of money? 370 00:19:24,943 --> 00:19:26,663 Busking. 371 00:19:26,703 --> 00:19:28,103 Busking? 372 00:19:28,143 --> 00:19:31,263 Yeah, Michael's an amazing singer. 373 00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:33,023 Break dancer. Er... Dancer. 374 00:19:33,063 --> 00:19:34,783 I meant to say break dancer. 375 00:19:34,823 --> 00:19:38,383 So, you two were break dancing in Benidorm and got all that money? 376 00:19:38,423 --> 00:19:43,463 Yeah, this time next year we'll be millionaires. 377 00:19:43,503 --> 00:19:45,343 Maybe I should get your dad a role of lino 378 00:19:45,383 --> 00:19:47,783 so he can go out and spin on his head. 379 00:19:47,823 --> 00:19:50,943 We could do with the money. 380 00:19:50,983 --> 00:19:54,383 Right. You kids stay out of trouble. 381 00:19:54,423 --> 00:19:56,423 See you later. 382 00:20:00,543 --> 00:20:02,583 You been flashing the cash, Mikey? 383 00:20:02,623 --> 00:20:06,423 Well, don't worry. I'm sure we can find ourselves another little scam. 384 00:20:06,463 --> 00:20:08,903 It's just a question of looking hard enough. 385 00:20:12,463 --> 00:20:14,823 Gentleman and lady. 386 00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:17,743 As much as it pains me to interrupt your celebrations, 387 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:20,823 I'm afraid we have a slight problem. 388 00:20:20,863 --> 00:20:22,943 Aye, you could say that. 389 00:20:22,983 --> 00:20:24,663 It has been brought to my attention 390 00:20:24,703 --> 00:20:29,223 that you are all positioned nowhere near the bar. 391 00:20:29,263 --> 00:20:31,743 So, I have appointed Lesley, our head barmaid, 392 00:20:31,783 --> 00:20:35,423 to be your personal cocktail waitress for the rest of the day. 393 00:20:35,463 --> 00:20:38,423 That's right. And if we hear another peep... What? 394 00:20:38,463 --> 00:20:41,903 Am I to take it that you two are now members of this stag party? 395 00:20:41,943 --> 00:20:44,503 Jacqueline and I have a relationship with Martin 396 00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:46,663 that goes back years. Don't we, Martin? 397 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:48,703 Erm, kind of. 398 00:20:48,743 --> 00:20:52,303 We've had some very sad news about a dear friend 399 00:20:52,343 --> 00:20:55,063 and the boys are helping us get over her. 400 00:20:55,103 --> 00:20:58,583 I remember the first time I needed help getting over Big Donna. 401 00:20:58,623 --> 00:21:01,943 Took 25 minutes and an indoor trampoline. 402 00:21:04,303 --> 00:21:06,903 I have prepared the indoor reception bar 403 00:21:06,943 --> 00:21:09,783 with premium vodkas and high-quality nuts. 404 00:21:09,823 --> 00:21:12,223 So, if you'd all like to follow Lesley 405 00:21:12,263 --> 00:21:14,943 I'm sure you'll be safe in her very capable, 406 00:21:14,983 --> 00:21:17,503 if slightly oversized, hands. 407 00:21:22,223 --> 00:21:23,903 Well, I think she's mad. 408 00:21:23,943 --> 00:21:25,983 This place could be like Disneyland, but no. 409 00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:30,103 She's dead set on it being like Tenko but without the glamour. 410 00:21:30,143 --> 00:21:31,823 What is Tenko? 411 00:21:31,863 --> 00:21:34,543 Don't you blaspheme in this salon. What is Tenko?! 412 00:21:34,583 --> 00:21:36,703 Only Stephanie Beecham's finest hour. 413 00:21:36,743 --> 00:21:38,543 It's a TV show from the 1980s. 414 00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:40,343 I've got all the DVDs. 415 00:21:40,383 --> 00:21:43,743 You can't compare the Solana to a Japanese prisoner of war camp! 416 00:21:43,783 --> 00:21:46,863 You what? A bunch of sweaty Brits, spending endless days 417 00:21:46,903 --> 00:21:50,143 trapped abroad in blistering heat and appalling conditions. 418 00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:53,423 Not only that, Temple Savage bears more than a passing resemblance 419 00:21:53,463 --> 00:21:55,423 to Burt Kwok when she's looking at the sun. 420 00:21:55,463 --> 00:21:57,383 Oh, I cannot listen to more of this. 421 00:21:57,423 --> 00:21:59,423 Ah. Cheers, Mateo love. Thank you. 422 00:22:04,223 --> 00:22:06,543 Did you see her? 423 00:22:06,583 --> 00:22:10,103 Who? The girl in the white bikini. 424 00:22:10,143 --> 00:22:11,143 No. 425 00:22:11,183 --> 00:22:13,783 What about her? I think I'm in love. 426 00:22:13,823 --> 00:22:15,583 Oh, Liam love. For goodness sake. 427 00:22:15,623 --> 00:22:17,423 When are you gonna stop kidding yourself? 428 00:22:17,463 --> 00:22:20,663 About what? You know what. You're camper than a Brighton bus queue. 429 00:22:20,703 --> 00:22:23,303 How many times do I have to tell you I'm not gay?! 430 00:22:23,343 --> 00:22:25,703 Oh, the lady doth protest too much. 431 00:22:25,743 --> 00:22:27,903 I'm not gay. I just don't like football. 432 00:22:27,943 --> 00:22:30,343 Last week, when we went to Idols, you ended up on stage 433 00:22:30,383 --> 00:22:32,343 singing Over the Rainbow in a feather boa. 434 00:22:32,383 --> 00:22:35,223 And then on the last note you went into full splits. 435 00:22:35,263 --> 00:22:37,503 Karaoke's not gay. All right then. 436 00:22:37,543 --> 00:22:40,503 What is your all-time favourite TV programme? 437 00:22:40,543 --> 00:22:43,223 Oh, Dynasty but only cos I like the fashion. 438 00:22:43,263 --> 00:22:47,223 We all know fashion's not gay. What's your favourite song? 439 00:22:47,263 --> 00:22:49,263 I'm not playing this game! 440 00:22:49,303 --> 00:22:51,103 Oh, Liam love. 441 00:22:51,143 --> 00:22:52,983 I'm just thinking about you. 442 00:22:53,023 --> 00:22:55,503 In ten years' time when you're happily married. 443 00:22:55,543 --> 00:22:58,063 I don't want to see you sloping off down to the Old Town, 444 00:22:58,103 --> 00:23:00,823 and queuing up for the noshing bench in some dingy gay bar 445 00:23:00,863 --> 00:23:03,143 when you should be putting your kids to bed. 446 00:23:03,183 --> 00:23:05,983 You should learn to accept people for who they are. 447 00:23:08,823 --> 00:23:11,863 Just because I don't fit into your stereotype of how a man should be 448 00:23:11,903 --> 00:23:14,423 doesn't give you permission to call me names. 449 00:23:17,143 --> 00:23:20,063 I am what I am. And what I am needs no excuses! 450 00:23:22,463 --> 00:23:24,183 That wasn't gay at all. 451 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,120 So, if you're only here for the weekend what are your plans? 452 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,840 Well, drinking mainly, obviously. 453 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:40,520 And of course checking out the infamous Benidorm nightlife. 454 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,680 Jonty wants to see Sticky Vicky. 455 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:43,720 Ow! 456 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,520 What is wrong with you guys? 457 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,880 Look, I've seen the Great Wall of China, 458 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,600 the Pyramids of Giza, I've flown over the Grand Canyon, 459 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,520 I swam through the Great Barrier Reef. 460 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,600 But there gets to a point in every man's life 461 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:01,360 when he just has to see a 70-year-old stripper 462 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,560 pulling the flags of all nations out of her front bottom. 463 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,080 Oh, we're very good friends with Vicky. 464 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:12,440 Really? Is all the stuff Martin's been telling me true? 465 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:17,480 Absolutely. But those Benidorm pubs can get quite rowdy, 466 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,360 I would have thought men of your breeding would prefer a... 467 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,520 ..private performance? 468 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,520 She does private gigs? Oh, my God. 469 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,520 This just gets more hilarious. 470 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,440 Well, no. But everyone has a price. 471 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:35,400 With the right budget I'm sure we could arrange something. 472 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,120 Couldn't we, Jacqueline? Oh, yes. 473 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,600 What you doing in here? 474 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,880 I could ask you the same question. 475 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,200 I just needed some space. 476 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,360 What can I get you, son? Well, it's a bit early 477 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,400 but I'll have a Campari and... 478 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,280 ..a lager. 479 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,360 I'll have a pint of lager. 480 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,080 Since when did you start drinking lager? 481 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:08,120 Since now. 482 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,680 Aren't you supposed to be working downstairs? 483 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:14,200 I've been told I have to wait hand and foot on that stag party. 484 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,760 But there's no way. Hey, don't get me wrong, I love my job. 485 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,680 But I'm not skivvying around after a load of posh knobs. 486 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,920 I've got some pride. 487 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,960 There you go young 'un. 488 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:33,680 Dad... erm. Do you ever worry 489 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,640 about what people think about you? 490 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,480 Come on, son. Take a look at me. 491 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,240 What do you think? 492 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:44,600 I just... sometimes worry I don't really fit in. 493 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:49,000 Where exactly is it you want to fit in? Good point. 494 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,080 Can you remember what I used to tell you to do 495 00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:54,000 when the kids at school called you ginger nuts. 496 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:57,600 Oh, yeah. You said erm, "Stamp on the bridge of their nose 497 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,800 until they choke on their own blood". 498 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,760 I think you'll find it was your mother who said that. 499 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,200 Oh, yeah. I said, "Rise above it. 500 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:10,840 They're just jealous, because they wish they stood out from the crowd". 501 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:15,160 Can you imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same? 502 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,680 Yeah, I know all that. I just... 503 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,160 I sometimes think, the way that I am 504 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:24,200 is preventing me from meeting the right girl. 505 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,040 Or any girl. 506 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:30,400 You don't need to change who you are for anyone. 507 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:32,760 The right girl is out there somewhere young 'un, 508 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,240 and it won't be long till she finds you. 509 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,360 And you know why? Why? 510 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,880 Because your star shines brighter than anyone else's. 511 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,160 Thanks, Dad. 512 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,480 Liam, do you want this pint? 513 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,200 No thanks, Dad. I'm all right. 514 00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:10,920 Where did your Dad put the tanning pills? 515 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,840 I don't think they're here. I think they've been chucked away. 516 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,560 They must be in your Gran's room. Have you got a key? 517 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,120 Can't we just get some headache tablets and sell them? 518 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,200 Headache tablets cost money, Mikey. 519 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,760 As my old man says, it's all about profit margins. 520 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,240 Oh, don't go in there that's my Mum and Dad's bedroom. 521 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:28,960 You worried about what I might find? 522 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,600 Hello, hello. What have we here? 523 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,560 It's payday, Mikey boy. 524 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:38,360 You little beauties. 525 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,320 Put 'em back, put 'em back! 526 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:43,200 There is no problem. There is a problem. 527 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,520 Cos I don't want to have to fanny about like that every time I want a sh... 528 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,960 All right, son. What you doing? 529 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,800 I was just showing Tiger round the apartment. 530 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,840 Lovely place you got here, Mr G. 531 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,200 Well, better than the crappy rooms we're in. 532 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,200 Yeah, well. We're regulars. 533 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,040 Michael, why didn't you open the door? 534 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,840 You could hear us trying to get in. I didn't know it was you. 535 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,720 I'll get you another key. Yeah, four of 'em. 536 00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:09,880 Right, I think we'll get out in the sun. 537 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,440 All right. See you later. 538 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:16,480 Catch you later, Mr G. 539 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,520 Enjoy your sh... ower. 540 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:35,960 Listen, Clive. I just wanted to say, about last night. 541 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,240 You know, it's been a stressful few days for all of us, 542 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:45,960 and I think it's probably best all round if we just... 543 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,520 What I mean is. You know, we're all here on holiday 544 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:53,120 supposed to be enjoying ourselves. So, what is the point of... 545 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:58,320 You know, what is the point of... 546 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,600 Forgot what I was gonna say now. 547 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:02,440 Beer? 548 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:03,840 Absolutely. 549 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,680 Another one of them, pal? Two more, please. 550 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:08,720 Coming right up. 551 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:26,240 Hello, can I help you? 552 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:29,280 Are you part of the stag party? No, I always dress like this. 553 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:31,680 Oh, right. OK, I'll knock on the door. 554 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,680 I'm pretty sure the guy in here is the one who's getting married - 555 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:37,720 Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, I'm part of the stag party. 556 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,760 Can I help you? You said you weren't. 557 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,480 It was a joke. 558 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,200 How can I help you? 559 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:47,520 We were wondering if you're in the market for some shit? 560 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:49,720 Some shit? Yeah. 561 00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:52,040 What do you mean? Like for the garden? 562 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:55,280 A garden? Yes, like manure. 563 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:57,680 Manure? What's that? 564 00:29:57,720 --> 00:29:58,720 French? 565 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:03,040 Manure? No, it comes out of a horse's bottom. 566 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:05,240 Look, man. We got most things. 567 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,840 We got leapers, moggies, snappers, dust, dollies, 568 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:09,560 eggs, jellies, dings, and turkeys. 569 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,280 Just let us know what you want, 570 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:14,840 and if you've got the lettuce we got the candy. 571 00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,360 But we ain't got no manure. 572 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:21,640 Wayhey! It's Pimp Diddy Martin! 573 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,440 I see you've brought your bitches. 574 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:25,880 They aren't my bitches. I think it's bob-a-job week. 575 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,760 Are you ready? Everybody's downstairs waiting - Drugs! 576 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,960 He wants to know if you want to buy some drugs. 577 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,480 Mikey! For God's sake, man. 578 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,480 Walls have ears. Drugs? 579 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,280 You're selling drugs? 580 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:40,200 How old are you, 12? I'm 16. 581 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,080 And you! You should know better. 582 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:45,800 Your father found out you were doing this he'd ruddy well skin you alive. 583 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:48,760 So, is that a no then? Course it's a no! 584 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:51,840 Do we look like the kind of people who take drugs? 585 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,440 Yeah. Yeah, you do. 586 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,000 Martin, go downstairs get the shots lined up. 587 00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:59,560 I'll be down in ten. Come in, boys. 588 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:02,520 Oh, my God. I didn't see this. 589 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,560 Wow. He's blind as well as stupid - 590 00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:07,240 Now, come on, boys. Don't be like that. 591 00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:18,560 I mean. They're not bad kids. 592 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,560 No. They're not, they're not. 593 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:23,560 They're good kids. 594 00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:28,280 But what we gotta remember is that we were teenagers. 595 00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:31,200 But we weren't teenagers in this day and age. 596 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:32,920 We didn't have the internet. 597 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:36,440 Didn't have the internet, didn't have computer games. 598 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:39,040 Television! You didn't have television? 599 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:43,160 How old are you? We didn't have the hundreds of channels they got now. 600 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:46,320 Three channels we had. Aye, and still twice as much to watch 601 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:49,000 than the shite they've got on 300 channels now. 602 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,040 Hear, hear. 603 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:58,840 So, what line of business are you in then? 604 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,240 I was in the tanning stroke sun-bed trade. But, well... 605 00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:06,040 bottom fell out of it, really. 606 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,920 How about you? I'm in construction. 607 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,560 The bottom hasn't fallen out of that. I'm sure. 608 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,720 It's had a complete prolapse. 609 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,720 Seriously? I'm trying to ride it out. 610 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:20,960 Between you and me. Things ain't looking good. 611 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,360 Still, you managed to come on holiday. 612 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:26,400 How bad can things be? 613 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:28,440 Yeah. 614 00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:39,160 Ole! 615 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:42,960 What's going on here then? I'm taking the boys out on a stag night. 616 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,880 Don't worry, we'll be out of your hair momentarily. 617 00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:48,360 I don't suppose you've got room for one more, have you? 618 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:52,520 I'm sorry, Lesley. It's a stag night. No women allowed. 619 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:55,320 No, I don't mean for me. I mean for our Liam. 620 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,280 Needs to broaden his horizons. 621 00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:00,120 I think a night out with the lads will do him the world of good. 622 00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,520 Absolutely. The more the merrier. 623 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:04,600 So, you're doing the full stag tour then? 624 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:08,840 The Shamrock, Loch Ness, Jokers, The Red Dog. 625 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:12,720 With the added bonus of a once in a lifetime live show. 626 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:14,440 Tacky Jacqui. 627 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,760 The show you can afford to see, but can't afford to miss! 628 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:20,520 Tacky Jacqui? As in your Jacqueline? 629 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:23,520 Yes. We tried to book Sticky Vicky but she's out of the country. 630 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:27,360 And your missus is gonna do the act instead? Yes. 631 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:29,680 Do you know what time your lad'll be coming down? 632 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:33,160 Oh, it's all right. I think he'll probably sit this one out. 633 00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:35,720 But you said he wanted to broaden his horizons? 634 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:38,680 No offence. But with your missus doing Sticky Vicky's act 635 00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:41,840 there's a fine line between having your horizons broadened 636 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,880 and being scarred for life. 637 00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:50,000 Ladies and gentlemen. I give you Mr Jonty Carmichael. 638 00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:54,480 Single man, reveal yourself. 639 00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:00,280 OK, bitches. Let's get this show on the road! 640 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,680 Donald, let the toad see the hole. 641 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,440 Onward! 642 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:18,520 I'll probably be back before the end of the shift anyway, 643 00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:20,640 but any problems just call my mobile. 644 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:23,280 You have a good night. Hasta manana. 645 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:28,560 OK, she has gone. You can go now. 646 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:30,360 Oh, thanks, Mateo. 647 00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,800 You gonna manage without me? Course. Where are you going? 648 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,840 I'm taking off all this slap and I'm going to be a father to my son. 649 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:39,040 You are going to slap your son? 650 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:40,800 I have felt this way many times. 651 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:44,920 No, man. I'm taking our Liam out for a pint. 652 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:46,960 See you later. Bye bye. 653 00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:56,000 Er table for eight please. 654 00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,560 Eight? You have made friends with people? 655 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,800 Yeah, why? What's it got to do with you? One moment. 656 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,960 You've changed your tune. Wanting to eat with that Clive. 657 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:08,240 Last night you tried to kill him. Oh, don't exaggerate. 658 00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:10,320 OK. Somebody will be back to take your order. 659 00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:12,800 Thanks, love. Hey. I tell you what, Madge. 660 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:14,880 Why don't you go and sit with your friends? 661 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,440 I'm sure we can find a single chair somewhere. 662 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:24,680 She was in agony because she had a crushing pain on her left nipple. 663 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:26,920 So, we're all panicking. Rung the ambulance up 664 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,600 and we've all got round there and it turns out... 665 00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:31,360 ..she was stood on it. 666 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,200 Come on, boys. In we go! 667 00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:36,120 One more for the road. 668 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,360 Excuse me, fellas. Have you lost your luggage? 669 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:41,240 Oh, it's Donald. How are you, Donald? 670 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:45,880 Wahey. Bloody hell, can't believe you're still above ground. 671 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,840 You've put a bit of beef on, Donald. Have you eaten my air bed? 672 00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:50,720 Yes, yes. Very good. 673 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,880 Step away from the comedian boys. 674 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:56,560 By the way she died after Christmas dinner. 675 00:35:56,600 --> 00:36:00,440 I once got button holed by Larry Grayson in the late 70's, 676 00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:02,560 these things can get quite messy. 677 00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:05,560 Guess how she died? Heart attack playing charades. 678 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,000 There you go, son. 679 00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:20,360 What you drinking? 680 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:22,320 Drop of Guiness. Did you want one? 681 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:24,360 No, thanks. 682 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:29,600 Why you drinking that? 683 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,680 I don't know. Change is as good as a rest. 684 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:36,080 Puts hairs on your chest. Ha-ha. 685 00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:38,920 Hey, I thought I might go down the Red Dog later. 686 00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:40,720 Why do you want to go down the Red Dog? 687 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:44,120 Well, you know? Have a few drinks. 688 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,200 Maybe chat up a few lasses. 689 00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:48,640 Why would you want to do that. Cos I'm out with my son. 690 00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:50,600 I'm just being a father. 691 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:52,640 Dad, what's going on? 692 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:55,720 After all you said to me, why are you trying to be something you're not? 693 00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:58,440 What are you talking about? Of course I'm your father. No. 694 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:01,880 I don't mean that. I mean sitting in a noisy, smelly sports bar. 695 00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:04,720 Watching two men knock seven bags of shite out of each other. 696 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,760 Wearing beige and drinking Guiness. 697 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:09,360 Why would you want a drink that puts hairs on your chest? 698 00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:11,400 You're a transvestite. 699 00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:14,400 Well, I'm just trying to help you find a nice girl, son. 700 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,160 But I thought I'm not exactly helping. 701 00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:19,360 Taking you to drag bars in the old town. 702 00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,640 I will find a nice girl, Dad. But in my own time. 703 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:26,680 And I'll find her because she likes me for who I am. 704 00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:31,320 Wise words. They should be. They're yours. 705 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,520 So, if I'm gonna be myself. I want you to be yourself too. 706 00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:37,200 Fair enough? Aye, fair enough. Ha-ha. 707 00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:39,680 Mwah. Right, let's get you back down the Solana 708 00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:41,600 and into something a bit more glamorous. 709 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:44,480 Honestly, you are really embarrassing me dressed like that. 710 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,200 Thank God you said that. 711 00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:48,960 My feet have been killing us walking in these flat shoes. 712 00:38:01,810 --> 00:38:04,330 So, how have you been keeping, Martin? 713 00:38:04,370 --> 00:38:06,050 Not bad, thanks. 714 00:38:06,090 --> 00:38:08,170 Keeping my head above water. Yourself? 715 00:38:08,210 --> 00:38:11,650 Oh, you know me. I have my fingers in many pies. 716 00:38:11,690 --> 00:38:15,250 Yes, actually I'm writing my memoirs at the moment. 717 00:38:15,290 --> 00:38:17,090 Really? How fascinating. 718 00:38:17,130 --> 00:38:22,130 Yes, well. Since we last met I was arrested on a charge of fraud 719 00:38:22,170 --> 00:38:24,490 as the result of faking my own death. 720 00:38:24,810 --> 00:38:26,770 Good Lord. Oh, yes. 721 00:38:26,810 --> 00:38:29,330 The book is based on the diaries I kept 722 00:38:29,370 --> 00:38:31,890 during my six months in prison. 723 00:38:31,930 --> 00:38:37,610 It's not so much a memoir, more of a "kiss-and-tell". 724 00:38:37,650 --> 00:38:39,690 Here you go, boys. 725 00:38:39,730 --> 00:38:42,450 Time to step it up a gear. 726 00:38:42,490 --> 00:38:44,890 These aren't from those kids at the Solana are they? 727 00:38:44,930 --> 00:38:48,450 Oh. Do be quiet, Martin. Donald? Not for me thanks. 728 00:38:48,490 --> 00:38:51,170 My wife and I went through our recreational drug phase 729 00:38:51,210 --> 00:38:52,890 many years ago. 730 00:38:52,930 --> 00:38:56,890 Jacqueline once spent four days on magic mushrooms 731 00:38:56,930 --> 00:38:59,210 thinking she was a barn owl. 732 00:38:59,250 --> 00:39:01,250 Took myself and the Fire Brigade six hours 733 00:39:01,290 --> 00:39:03,490 to coax her down out of next door's tree. 734 00:39:03,530 --> 00:39:05,890 Amazing! That was the easy bit. 735 00:39:05,930 --> 00:39:09,370 Apologising to the neighbours for her defecating heavily 736 00:39:09,410 --> 00:39:12,490 on their Ford Cortina was the sticky end of the wicket. 737 00:39:12,530 --> 00:39:14,370 Ha ha! 738 00:39:14,410 --> 00:39:15,970 Psst! 739 00:39:16,010 --> 00:39:17,690 Oh, speak of the devil. 740 00:39:17,730 --> 00:39:21,570 I think someone might need a bit of help loading her props, 741 00:39:21,610 --> 00:39:24,170 if you know what I mean? Back in a short while. 742 00:39:28,050 --> 00:39:30,330 Having fun, Jonty? 743 00:39:30,370 --> 00:39:33,290 Kidding, aren't you? I'm having an amazing time. 744 00:39:33,330 --> 00:39:35,770 Here - get another one of these down your neck. 745 00:39:40,930 --> 00:39:43,650 When you asked me to organise your stag party. 746 00:39:43,690 --> 00:39:47,370 Well, I chose Benidorm as a bit of a joke, but... 747 00:39:47,410 --> 00:39:50,490 I think the joke may have backfired. 748 00:39:50,530 --> 00:39:53,210 I mean, I'm not being vulgar, but you've got so much money. 749 00:39:53,250 --> 00:39:55,690 We could've gone anywhere in the world. And, well - 750 00:39:55,730 --> 00:39:58,610 I've BEEN everywhere in the world. This place is incredible. 751 00:39:58,650 --> 00:40:02,850 In three bars we've seen Elvis, Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson. 752 00:40:02,890 --> 00:40:06,610 It's like an amazing, alcohol-fuelled singing graveyard. 753 00:40:06,650 --> 00:40:08,330 I'm sure the Benidorm Tourist Board 754 00:40:08,370 --> 00:40:10,090 will be begging you to use that quote. 755 00:40:10,130 --> 00:40:12,930 And now Sticky Vicky, all in the same night! 756 00:40:12,970 --> 00:40:14,650 No, you did the right thing, amigo. 757 00:40:14,690 --> 00:40:17,250 They don't call you the Best Man for nothing. 758 00:40:17,290 --> 00:40:19,450 Did Donald not tell you about Sticky Vicky? 759 00:40:19,490 --> 00:40:22,610 What? She's on holiday. He's getting his wife to do the act. 760 00:40:22,650 --> 00:40:24,650 Tacky Jacqui. 761 00:40:26,490 --> 00:40:29,610 Listen, pal. You know I've always had a penchant 762 00:40:29,650 --> 00:40:34,450 for the more mature woman. Sticky Vicky, Tacky Jacqui, 763 00:40:34,490 --> 00:40:36,210 as long as I get to see a sexy pensioner 764 00:40:36,250 --> 00:40:38,810 pulling the flags of all nations from her Auntie Mary, 765 00:40:38,850 --> 00:40:40,850 I'm gonna sleep a happy boy tonight. 766 00:40:51,890 --> 00:40:53,890 What do you mean you can't do it? 767 00:40:53,930 --> 00:40:57,810 I've tried. But I think it's stage fright. 768 00:40:57,850 --> 00:41:00,330 Everything's seized up. 769 00:41:00,370 --> 00:41:02,170 Are you sure? Positive. 770 00:41:02,210 --> 00:41:05,330 I'll be lucky if I can get a Rizla paper up there. 771 00:41:05,370 --> 00:41:07,090 What are we gonna do? 772 00:41:07,130 --> 00:41:09,610 Remember the first rule of show business? 773 00:41:09,650 --> 00:41:11,970 The show must go on. No. 774 00:41:12,010 --> 00:41:15,010 Never give them their money back. 775 00:41:15,050 --> 00:41:17,810 I have had an idea. Yes? 776 00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,770 There's an old trick I remember 777 00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:23,090 from when my mother was a magician's assistant. 778 00:41:23,130 --> 00:41:29,330 It could work but you'll have to give me a hand, so to speak. 779 00:41:31,650 --> 00:41:33,890 ? Whether I'm right 780 00:41:33,930 --> 00:41:38,490 ? Or whether I'm wrong 781 00:41:38,530 --> 00:41:45,650 ? Whether I find a place in this world or never belong 782 00:41:45,690 --> 00:41:49,570 ? I gotta be me 783 00:41:49,610 --> 00:41:53,610 ? I gotta be me 784 00:41:53,650 --> 00:42:00,130 ♪ What else can I be but what I am♪ 785 00:42:00,170 --> 00:42:04,410 ♪ I wanna live... ♪ 786 00:42:04,450 --> 00:42:07,530 Well, I must say this is very pleasant. 787 00:42:07,570 --> 00:42:09,770 What, the food? 788 00:42:09,810 --> 00:42:12,850 No, making friends on holiday. 789 00:42:12,890 --> 00:42:15,210 Where's Burke and Hare gone? 790 00:42:15,250 --> 00:42:18,610 Who? Michael! And the other one. 791 00:42:18,650 --> 00:42:22,010 I gave Michael and Tiger ten Euros each to spend on the machines. 792 00:42:22,050 --> 00:42:23,730 That was very good of you. 793 00:42:23,770 --> 00:42:27,010 Ten Euros each! Are you right in the head? 794 00:42:27,050 --> 00:42:29,090 That's the last you'll see of them tonight. 795 00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:32,650 They'll be high as a kite, sniffing glue 'round the bins. 796 00:42:32,690 --> 00:42:35,210 Excuse me, Tiger does not sniff glue. 797 00:42:35,250 --> 00:42:36,930 All right, calm down. 798 00:42:36,970 --> 00:42:39,010 When did you start defending your brother? 799 00:42:39,050 --> 00:42:41,050 When she started to disrespect him. 800 00:42:41,090 --> 00:42:43,850 Respect! Ha, that's a joke. 801 00:42:43,890 --> 00:42:46,530 What do you know about respect? 802 00:42:46,570 --> 00:42:50,170 Trotting round the pool with your tits out in your high heels. 803 00:42:50,210 --> 00:42:52,850 Look. I think it's probably best if you don't judge my son 804 00:42:52,890 --> 00:42:56,210 or my daughter by your own very low standards, Madge. 805 00:42:56,250 --> 00:42:59,650 And who do you think you're talking to, you piss-faced old cow?! 806 00:42:59,690 --> 00:43:03,410 Do you know, I felt sorry for you when we first met. 807 00:43:03,450 --> 00:43:06,250 Married to him with a face like a ruptured arse. 808 00:43:06,290 --> 00:43:10,210 But it's him that deserves the sympathy for putting up with you. 809 00:43:12,690 --> 00:43:15,370 More drinks? Yes, and we'll have 'em over there. 810 00:43:15,410 --> 00:43:17,170 Come on. That's right. 811 00:43:17,210 --> 00:43:20,530 Piss off! Sit with your own kind. 812 00:43:20,570 --> 00:43:23,970 Animals, the lot of you. 813 00:43:24,010 --> 00:43:26,370 That's it. 814 00:43:26,410 --> 00:43:28,530 Much more room. 815 00:43:28,570 --> 00:43:31,970 ? Gotta be me 816 00:43:32,010 --> 00:43:35,250 ♪ I'll go it alone ♪ 817 00:44:02,810 --> 00:44:05,530 My, God. She'd be amazing to go shoplifting with. 818 00:44:10,410 --> 00:44:12,410 I need a big finish, Donald. 819 00:44:12,450 --> 00:44:16,650 Can you hear me? The big finish. 820 00:44:16,690 --> 00:44:18,410 Hang on! 821 00:44:19,610 --> 00:44:23,410 I've never seen anything like this in my entire life. 822 00:44:23,450 --> 00:44:26,290 Well, I must say, I've seen the real Sticky Vicky 823 00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:29,930 and this comes pretty... Oh, my God! 824 00:44:56,570 --> 00:44:58,450 Hey. Taxis outside are for you? 825 00:44:58,490 --> 00:45:00,690 Oh, yeah. Thanks, mate. These are our door keys. 826 00:45:00,730 --> 00:45:02,410 There might be some missing. 827 00:45:02,450 --> 00:45:04,970 I think one or two of them slept in the hallways. 828 00:45:05,010 --> 00:45:07,210 We had quite a heavy night last night. 829 00:45:07,690 --> 00:45:10,530 And you forgot to take off your fancy dress make-up? 830 00:45:10,570 --> 00:45:14,650 No, we got sold some dodgy pills. 831 00:45:14,690 --> 00:45:17,250 We had a pretty wild time. But they erm... 832 00:45:17,290 --> 00:45:21,650 Well, they turned us orange. I can see this. 833 00:45:21,690 --> 00:45:24,210 Oh, and there's also quite a lot of damage in the rooms, 834 00:45:24,250 --> 00:45:26,330 but just bill it to my card, OK? 835 00:45:26,370 --> 00:45:28,090 What card? 836 00:45:28,130 --> 00:45:29,850 Hey! Hey, where are you going? 837 00:45:29,890 --> 00:45:33,090 You cannot leave. You have to pay for your damage. Ostia! 838 00:45:33,130 --> 00:45:37,290 Miss Temple-Savage! Miss Temple-Savage! 839 00:45:37,330 --> 00:45:40,810 Miss Temple Savage. There are guests trying to leave 840 00:45:40,850 --> 00:45:42,730 but they have destroyed their rooms. 841 00:45:42,770 --> 00:45:45,650 Miss Temple-Savage? Where are my glasses? 842 00:45:45,690 --> 00:45:48,410 I'm sorry. I had a bit of a late night last night. 843 00:45:53,490 --> 00:45:54,610 What?