1 00:00:30,685 --> 00:00:33,885 I am sorry, my little friend, we have no, how do you call it... 2 00:00:33,925 --> 00:00:36,925 Bandages. Did you hurt yourself bad? 3 00:00:36,965 --> 00:00:41,285 No, it's for this. Ooh! Dios mio! 4 00:00:42,325 --> 00:00:44,165 How old are you? Fourteen. 5 00:00:44,205 --> 00:00:47,285 Have you got any headache tablets? My head's banging. 6 00:00:47,325 --> 00:00:49,645 You got the hangover? 7 00:00:49,685 --> 00:00:50,965 Where is your father? 8 00:00:51,005 --> 00:00:52,045 He's in prison. 9 00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:55,525 As the English say, 'No shit, Shylock.' 10 00:00:56,525 --> 00:00:59,565 Get over here now! 11 00:01:01,765 --> 00:01:04,405 Not you! 12 00:01:05,645 --> 00:01:08,485 I was just asking for some bandages to cover my tattoo. 13 00:01:08,525 --> 00:01:11,725 Don't make me come over there! Don't make her come over here. 14 00:01:11,765 --> 00:01:13,445 All right. I'll see you later. 15 00:01:13,485 --> 00:01:15,885 Adios, amigo, it was nice knowing you. 16 00:01:15,925 --> 00:01:17,925 Michael! 17 00:01:20,165 --> 00:01:23,445 Hello, mate, I don't suppose you know if there's any bar jobs going here. 18 00:01:23,485 --> 00:01:26,605 What? Do you know if there's any bar jobs going here? 19 00:01:26,645 --> 00:01:29,045 Going where? Going here. 20 00:01:29,085 --> 00:01:31,405 Going here from where? 21 00:01:31,445 --> 00:01:34,565 Do you know if there's any bar jobs available? 22 00:01:39,045 --> 00:01:40,885 No. There are no jobs. 23 00:01:40,925 --> 00:01:43,445 They are not coming, they are not going. 24 00:01:43,485 --> 00:01:45,045 There is nothing here for you. 25 00:01:45,085 --> 00:01:47,485 Good morning. Is there a problem? 26 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:50,485 Did that young lad come through here looking for bandages? 27 00:01:50,525 --> 00:01:53,405 No problem, I was just asking if there were any job vacancies, 28 00:01:53,445 --> 00:01:56,925 but I can see all your staff are... of a certain age. 29 00:01:57,805 --> 00:01:59,565 No worries. Have a good day. 30 00:01:59,605 --> 00:02:01,405 Hey! What did you mean? 31 00:02:01,445 --> 00:02:04,365 I am not old like him! Thanks a lot, pal! 32 00:02:04,405 --> 00:02:07,885 I'm sorry, Les, I could not let him get away with saying this. 33 00:02:07,925 --> 00:02:09,645 You didn't have to say THAT! 34 00:02:09,685 --> 00:02:14,165 He's got a point. We have had a lot of younger staff leave recently. 35 00:02:14,205 --> 00:02:15,885 And I say good riddance to them. 36 00:02:15,925 --> 00:02:19,245 The young 'uns might be nicer to look at, but you can't beat experience. 37 00:02:25,285 --> 00:02:27,445 I told 'em they were tanning pills. 38 00:02:27,485 --> 00:02:30,165 How long does it take to test 'em? 39 00:02:30,205 --> 00:02:33,405 They do it in about 30 seconds on that programme on the telly. 40 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:36,085 They scrape a bit off, put it in that little bag of liquid, 41 00:02:36,125 --> 00:02:38,765 shake it, and if it goes blue, it's drugs. Job done. 42 00:02:40,085 --> 00:02:42,285 Knowing my luck they've swallowed a handful 43 00:02:42,325 --> 00:02:44,285 and they're waiting to turn brown. 44 00:02:46,885 --> 00:02:48,685 I see they work on teeth as well. 45 00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:00,165 He'll be down when he's hungry. 46 00:03:00,205 --> 00:03:04,165 Thank you for that inspired insight into the working mind of a teenage boy. 47 00:03:04,205 --> 00:03:05,845 What are you having a go at me for? 48 00:03:05,885 --> 00:03:08,725 It wasn't me that was supposed to be keeping an eye on him 49 00:03:08,765 --> 00:03:11,845 when he went off the rails. It was that northern family's kid. 50 00:03:11,885 --> 00:03:14,605 Dirty plebs. You know he got a tattoo last night? 51 00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:18,085 Who? Tiger? No, what's-her-name's son. 52 00:03:18,125 --> 00:03:22,085 Janice. Yes, your friend Janice. 53 00:03:22,125 --> 00:03:26,765 Oh, will you just drop it? The woman needed a lift to the airport, 54 00:03:26,805 --> 00:03:29,045 so I gave her one. In your dreams! 55 00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:31,805 A lift to the airport, for God's sake! 56 00:03:33,285 --> 00:03:36,365 This place is absolutely crawling. No, it's not, it's fine. 57 00:03:36,405 --> 00:03:38,845 You are one cheap bastard, you know that? Tonya... 58 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,165 Yesterday you agreed this wasn't a four-star, and we were moving. 59 00:03:42,205 --> 00:03:44,605 Then when that manageress knocked 80% off the bill, 60 00:03:44,645 --> 00:03:46,405 oh, all of sudden, it's not that bad, 61 00:03:46,445 --> 00:03:50,885 and the fact that a member of staff set fire to our towels is a mere inconvenience. TONYA! 62 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,645 The day you get off your lazy arse 63 00:03:54,685 --> 00:03:57,765 and decide to contribute to the income of this family 64 00:03:57,805 --> 00:04:02,645 instead of pissing your life away on coffee mornings and botox parties, 65 00:04:02,685 --> 00:04:04,205 then I would be more than happy 66 00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:06,965 to give you a say in matters of finance. 67 00:04:08,405 --> 00:04:10,605 Morning. Tiger! 68 00:04:10,645 --> 00:04:14,125 How's Mummy's little bubba? Mum, for God's sake! 69 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,845 Is this mine? Course it is, darling. 70 00:04:16,885 --> 00:04:18,685 Now what can Mamma get you? Nothing. 71 00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:21,685 I only came down cos it was too noisy to sleep up there. 72 00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,965 The couple next door were really going for it. 73 00:04:25,005 --> 00:04:28,565 All right, spare us the details, will you? I did. 74 00:04:28,605 --> 00:04:31,805 Good morning! Another day in paradise! 75 00:04:31,845 --> 00:04:35,885 Hola! Have you settled in OK? Yes, thank you. 76 00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:37,765 I do believe we're neighbours! 77 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:44,125 We heard you arguing last night. Quite a humdinger! 78 00:04:44,165 --> 00:04:45,845 Yeah, well, erm... No, no... 79 00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:49,205 No explanations necessary. First time we came to Spain, 80 00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:51,805 Jacqueline threw a chest of drawers at me, didn't you? 81 00:04:51,845 --> 00:04:53,965 More a vanity unit. 82 00:04:54,005 --> 00:04:57,405 It's the heat, you see. Don't worry, you'll soon acclimatise! 83 00:04:57,445 --> 00:05:02,365 And don't forget to give us a couple of bangs on the wall if we make too much noise. 84 00:05:02,405 --> 00:05:06,645 We can get a bit, er, lost in the moment, can't we? 85 00:05:06,685 --> 00:05:10,485 Oh, yes. The word 'Tantric' springs to mind. 86 00:05:10,525 --> 00:05:13,725 With us it's definitely a marathon, not a sprint! 87 00:05:13,765 --> 00:05:16,245 Hasta luego! 88 00:05:17,965 --> 00:05:19,805 I think I'm going to vomit. 89 00:05:25,645 --> 00:05:27,325 Busy out here today. 90 00:05:27,365 --> 00:05:30,445 Yeah, it's filling up. You'd better grab us a couple of sun beds. 91 00:05:30,485 --> 00:05:33,645 Kenneth, you said now we've got the green light from your Uncle Bertie, 92 00:05:33,685 --> 00:05:35,165 we can open the salon properly. 93 00:05:35,205 --> 00:05:38,645 Yes, and we will, Liam, love, in great style - tomorrow. 94 00:05:38,685 --> 00:05:40,125 Really? Yeah. 95 00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:43,365 So today we have to mentally and physically prepare ourselves. 96 00:05:43,405 --> 00:05:44,725 Two sun beds. 97 00:05:47,045 --> 00:05:50,005 Here we are. Two Harvey Floor Bangers. 98 00:05:50,925 --> 00:05:54,285 You boys have started early. We have a lot to celebrate, Lesley. 99 00:05:54,325 --> 00:05:58,005 Namely tomorrow's grand re-opening of Blow 'n' Go. Fantastic! 100 00:05:58,045 --> 00:06:00,525 Hey, you can't fit us in for some highlights, can you? 101 00:06:00,565 --> 00:06:03,525 I liked this bob when I first got it, but it needs a bit of jazzing up. 102 00:06:03,565 --> 00:06:05,365 Yeah, no problem, love. 103 00:06:10,685 --> 00:06:12,485 Same again, love. 104 00:06:12,525 --> 00:06:16,125 Nay t'bother. Are you gonna come in to get your hair done, Dad? 105 00:06:16,165 --> 00:06:17,765 No, I'm working all day tomorrow. 106 00:06:17,805 --> 00:06:21,685 I'll just leave it in a jiffy bag at reception. Smashing! 107 00:06:21,725 --> 00:06:24,325 Aww! The epitome of a modern parent! 108 00:06:26,205 --> 00:06:29,805 Oh, I don't pity him. I think he's fabulous. 109 00:06:30,965 --> 00:06:33,325 Two Harvey Floor Bangers, please, amigo. 110 00:06:33,365 --> 00:06:36,285 Lesley, is OK for you to do them? I am going for a break. 111 00:06:36,325 --> 00:06:40,165 How lame, man. Play the game, man, we're chocka block this morning. 112 00:06:41,805 --> 00:06:44,845 Allow me. Hey! Hey! What are you doing? 113 00:06:44,885 --> 00:06:48,205 You'll have to come away from there, lad, it's staff only. Hey! 114 00:06:48,245 --> 00:06:52,365 What is wrong with you? Are you a deaf? Get out of my bar! 115 00:06:52,405 --> 00:06:53,805 What's going on? 116 00:06:53,845 --> 00:06:56,645 I don't know, the lad just jumped over the counter. 117 00:06:56,685 --> 00:06:59,125 I'm sorry, you'll have to come away from that bar. 118 00:06:59,165 --> 00:07:01,085 Are you listening? 119 00:07:01,125 --> 00:07:03,645 Lesley, can we get some security here, please? 120 00:07:05,405 --> 00:07:07,725 How lovely! 121 00:07:09,005 --> 00:07:12,445 Two Harvey Floor Bangers. Well, my version. 122 00:07:13,325 --> 00:07:17,285 Tastes twice as good, but uses half the amount of alcohol. 123 00:07:22,325 --> 00:07:24,365 Oh, my god, that tastes amazing! Kenneth! 124 00:07:24,405 --> 00:07:28,125 I'm sorry, but it does. You, come with me. 125 00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:31,005 What? Wait! 126 00:07:31,045 --> 00:07:34,125 Miss Temple-Savage, you said there are no vacancies! 127 00:07:34,165 --> 00:07:36,165 Miss Temple-Savage! 128 00:07:39,365 --> 00:07:42,445 Oh, my days, that is absolutely delicious! 129 00:07:42,485 --> 00:07:43,525 You can say that again. 130 00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:50,674 These references are all well and good, Mr, er, Gallagher... 131 00:07:50,714 --> 00:07:52,794 Please, call me Jason. 132 00:07:52,834 --> 00:07:56,514 But as I told you before your little outburst behind the bar, 133 00:07:56,554 --> 00:07:58,834 we simply have no vacancies. 134 00:07:58,874 --> 00:08:01,114 You see, we have no vacancies. Simples. 135 00:08:01,154 --> 00:08:04,114 Take your squashed face and your magic powder somewhere else. 136 00:08:04,154 --> 00:08:06,034 Thank you, goodbye, have a nice life. 137 00:08:06,074 --> 00:08:09,434 You're an all-inclusive! The only way for you to increase profits 138 00:08:09,474 --> 00:08:12,274 is to make your customers drink less alcohol. 139 00:08:12,314 --> 00:08:14,794 Look, let me work here for one week, for nothing, 140 00:08:14,834 --> 00:08:16,194 and then check your stock. 141 00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:20,394 I guarantee you'll have used half the alcohol, meaning double your profits. 142 00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,594 Why would you want to work here for a week for nothing? 143 00:08:23,634 --> 00:08:26,354 Cos I'm desperate for a job. I thought that part was obvious. 144 00:08:26,394 --> 00:08:29,714 Miss Temple-Savage, if you want me to make fancy cocktails 145 00:08:29,754 --> 00:08:32,474 and shake my ass like this one, I can do for you. 146 00:08:32,514 --> 00:08:36,994 No offence, mate, I wouldn't shake too hard - something might fall off. 147 00:08:37,034 --> 00:08:39,154 What? What's the saying? 148 00:08:39,194 --> 00:08:41,074 You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 149 00:08:41,114 --> 00:08:42,554 Old dog? 150 00:08:42,594 --> 00:08:43,634 OK, that's enough. 151 00:08:43,674 --> 00:08:48,474 Come outside with me now and I will kill you. Come on! 152 00:08:49,634 --> 00:08:51,874 Oops. Hey hey hey hey! 153 00:08:57,994 --> 00:08:59,594 How is this? 154 00:08:59,634 --> 00:09:01,354 Ow! Ow! 155 00:09:03,714 --> 00:09:05,474 Get off! Ooh! 156 00:09:05,514 --> 00:09:07,634 I have just been to the hairdresser! 157 00:09:08,154 --> 00:09:09,474 Oh... 158 00:09:10,994 --> 00:09:14,154 Stop it! Stop it! For goodness' sake, stop it, boys! 159 00:09:14,194 --> 00:09:16,274 Look at the state of both of you! 160 00:09:16,314 --> 00:09:19,794 You're all hot and... sweaty 161 00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:21,874 and half naked. 162 00:09:21,914 --> 00:09:23,834 Mateo, get back to work. 163 00:09:23,874 --> 00:09:28,434 And Jason, you're on a week's trial behind the bar with no pay 164 00:09:28,474 --> 00:09:31,074 and no guarantee of a job at the end of it! 165 00:09:36,194 --> 00:09:40,314 I won't let you down. I'll be everything you want me to be. 166 00:09:44,474 --> 00:09:45,874 And more. 167 00:09:45,914 --> 00:09:47,594 Ooh... 168 00:09:48,674 --> 00:09:50,914 Oh, I think I'm having a hot flush! 169 00:09:56,114 --> 00:09:59,514 I want to stay in the room. You, my lad, are not leaving my sight. 170 00:09:59,554 --> 00:10:01,634 You should hobble him. What does that mean? 171 00:10:01,674 --> 00:10:05,714 Break his ankles, like in that film Misery. He wouldn't get far then. 172 00:10:05,754 --> 00:10:08,714 This arrangement will do just fine for now, thanks, Mother. 173 00:10:09,674 --> 00:10:11,514 All right, Mikey? Keep walking! 174 00:10:11,554 --> 00:10:13,874 Scum! Leave it, Mother. 175 00:10:16,834 --> 00:10:19,434 I don't want to hear a peep out of you, do you hear me? 176 00:10:19,474 --> 00:10:21,554 Good morning! 177 00:10:21,594 --> 00:10:24,874 Do you go home at any point or do you actually live here? Why? 178 00:10:24,914 --> 00:10:27,234 Every time we come here on holiday, you're here! 179 00:10:27,274 --> 00:10:30,554 We always have the same two weeks every year. 180 00:10:30,594 --> 00:10:34,994 Same two weeks. We're creatures of habit, aren't we, Jacqueline? 181 00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:37,634 Oh, yeah. Creatures is the right word. 182 00:10:37,674 --> 00:10:39,674 You'd get a job frightening kids to bed. 183 00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:42,954 Get up off that, it's for your father! My father's not here. 184 00:10:42,994 --> 00:10:44,674 Well, he will be. I'm off to get him. 185 00:10:44,714 --> 00:10:47,314 They might not even let him out - thanks to her. 186 00:10:47,354 --> 00:10:50,474 Don't you blame me! Whose fault is it, then? 187 00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:54,714 Everything OK with Mick? Yeah, everything's fine, thank you. 188 00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:56,034 No, everything's not fine. 189 00:10:56,074 --> 00:10:59,914 Thanks to her, my dad's being held at Alicante Airport for suspected drug smuggling. 190 00:10:59,954 --> 00:11:04,354 Oh, 'eck! I told you! Hobble him! I'll hold his legs for you. 191 00:11:06,194 --> 00:11:10,234 What are you doing? I'm not sitting next to her. I want to be in the shade! 192 00:11:10,274 --> 00:11:13,354 I'm not sitting in the shade, so you can piss off! 193 00:11:13,394 --> 00:11:15,874 You are gonna sit where I put you. 194 00:11:15,914 --> 00:11:18,754 And if I come back and you've moved one inch, believe me, 195 00:11:18,794 --> 00:11:21,834 you'll wish you HAD been gobbled! Hobbled! Whatever! 196 00:11:21,874 --> 00:11:25,634 Janice, if Mick is in some kind of trouble with the authorities, 197 00:11:25,674 --> 00:11:27,234 we may be able to help you. 198 00:11:27,274 --> 00:11:30,994 Oh, yeah, that's all you need, The Fritzels fighting your case for you. 199 00:11:31,034 --> 00:11:33,274 How do you mean? 200 00:11:33,314 --> 00:11:38,554 Jacqueline and I have a direct contact at the British Consulate. 201 00:11:38,594 --> 00:11:41,834 Dropping the right name in the right place can open a few doors. 202 00:11:41,874 --> 00:11:44,754 Or at least the one Mick is currently sitting behind. 203 00:11:45,954 --> 00:11:49,154 Just swim where Mamma can see you, darling. Shut up! 204 00:11:49,194 --> 00:11:51,234 Ahh! He's tired. 205 00:11:53,834 --> 00:11:56,394 Oh, my god! What? 206 00:11:56,434 --> 00:11:59,114 She's going off with that bloke! What bloke? 207 00:11:59,154 --> 00:12:04,474 That... rough bird has gone off with one of the swingers. Oh, my god! 208 00:12:04,514 --> 00:12:07,394 That's it! This is a swingers' hotel! 209 00:12:07,434 --> 00:12:09,594 You have brought us to a swingers' hotel! 210 00:12:09,634 --> 00:12:11,874 Don't be ridiculous. 211 00:12:11,914 --> 00:12:14,994 Where are you going? I'm gonna give them a lift to the airport. 212 00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:16,594 No, you are not! 213 00:12:16,634 --> 00:12:18,794 I promised her I'd take her back there today. 214 00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:20,634 I'll be back as soon as I can. 215 00:12:21,514 --> 00:12:24,874 Clive, I am warning you, if you leave me here on my own, 216 00:12:24,914 --> 00:12:27,554 I will not talk to you for the rest of this holiday. 217 00:12:27,594 --> 00:12:31,354 You drive a hard bargain, but you've got yourself a deal. 218 00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:35,674 Bastard! 219 00:12:38,674 --> 00:12:40,394 Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen! 220 00:12:41,274 --> 00:12:43,954 It must be terrible to be a hen-pecked husband. 221 00:12:45,074 --> 00:12:47,834 We had this geography teacher at school. Mr Pickering. 222 00:12:47,874 --> 00:12:51,714 We all thought he was gay cos he was a bit, well, camp. 223 00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:55,794 When we went on a school trip to France and one night he got drunk 224 00:12:55,834 --> 00:13:01,354 and told us not only was he married, but he wanted to leave his wife for Mrs Raymond, the history teacher. 225 00:13:02,154 --> 00:13:05,154 And even though she knew he was married, 226 00:13:05,194 --> 00:13:08,074 she still didn't believe Mr Pickering was straight. 227 00:13:08,114 --> 00:13:10,914 Can you imagine, a big wet lettuce 228 00:13:10,954 --> 00:13:14,714 who just can't meet the right girl cos everybody thinks he's gay? 229 00:13:15,994 --> 00:13:17,874 Yeah, imagine that. 230 00:13:25,834 --> 00:13:30,434 Ah, you OK, bubba? Yeah. You want anything from the shop? 231 00:13:30,474 --> 00:13:32,594 No, thank you, my sweet pea. 232 00:13:42,914 --> 00:13:47,274 Oh, there's money in my purse if you need it, darling. Oh, erm, thanks. 233 00:14:14,234 --> 00:14:17,394 Shouldn't be much longer now. Great. 234 00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:19,754 And then when we get to the bus station in Benidorm, 235 00:14:19,794 --> 00:14:22,634 the buses to Alicante are at least one every hour. 236 00:14:22,674 --> 00:14:25,394 Where is the bus station in Benidorm? Can't we just walk? 237 00:14:25,434 --> 00:14:27,154 Oh, no, I'm afraid not. 238 00:14:27,194 --> 00:14:30,874 I picked up a rather nasty groin injury 239 00:14:30,914 --> 00:14:35,234 while filling in for a friend at the London Naturist Olympics last month. 240 00:14:36,474 --> 00:14:39,834 A trampoline can be a pretty savage piece of equipment 241 00:14:39,874 --> 00:14:42,514 when you're completely naked. 242 00:14:44,794 --> 00:14:47,554 Can I give you a lift? We're fine, thank you. 243 00:14:47,594 --> 00:14:50,994 Wonderful! Alicante Airport, if it's not too much trouble. 244 00:14:51,034 --> 00:14:52,634 I said we're fine, thank you. 245 00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:55,034 Look, I heard about the tattoo. 246 00:14:55,074 --> 00:14:59,594 I'm sorry my Tiger was with your son at the time but you can't blame him. 247 00:14:59,634 --> 00:15:02,194 No, I'm sure he wasn't to blame. 248 00:15:03,394 --> 00:15:05,834 Thank you for the offer of a lift, but no, thank you. 249 00:15:05,874 --> 00:15:10,474 We've never been here before, my son wouldn't know where to get a tattoo. 250 00:15:10,514 --> 00:15:14,034 You see, they've never been here before! 251 00:15:14,074 --> 00:15:17,314 If your son goes anywhere near my son in the next week... 252 00:15:17,354 --> 00:15:21,154 Oh, dear, there goes the bus! Well, why didn't it stop? 253 00:15:21,194 --> 00:15:22,634 This is supposed to be a bus stop! 254 00:15:22,674 --> 00:15:26,674 I think it might have something to do with this car being parked here. 255 00:15:26,714 --> 00:15:30,314 Oh dear, the natives are turning ugly. I think we'd better get in. 256 00:15:35,594 --> 00:15:38,674 Boo! All right. 257 00:15:47,954 --> 00:15:49,954 You are hilarious. 258 00:15:49,994 --> 00:15:53,554 I don't really smoke, to be honest. Really? You can't tell! 259 00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:58,634 Go on son, cough it up, it might be a gold watch. 260 00:15:58,674 --> 00:16:01,914 What does that mean? I dunno. Something my old man says. 261 00:16:01,954 --> 00:16:05,314 Beer? Nah, I think I'll just have an orange juice. 262 00:16:06,314 --> 00:16:09,354 One orange juice and one beer, please, mate. It's for my dad. 263 00:16:10,794 --> 00:16:12,474 I don't remember much about it. 264 00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:14,474 We were in that bar on the beach for ages, 265 00:16:14,514 --> 00:16:16,274 then you said you wanted a tattoo. 266 00:16:16,314 --> 00:16:19,114 Really? I said that? Yeah, man. 267 00:16:19,154 --> 00:16:22,194 I was like, 'A tattoo? Are you serious? How old are you again?' 268 00:16:22,234 --> 00:16:25,394 And you were like, 'Yeah, I've wanted one for ages!' 269 00:16:25,434 --> 00:16:27,394 I don't remember ever wanting a tattoo. 270 00:16:27,434 --> 00:16:30,394 You tried to talk me into one, but I was like, 'You're joking. 271 00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,874 That shit is on your body for life!' 272 00:16:38,994 --> 00:16:40,154 Yeah... 273 00:16:40,714 --> 00:16:42,354 Oh... What's this? 274 00:16:44,794 --> 00:16:48,834 Oh! It's the all-inclusive wrist bands. 275 00:16:48,874 --> 00:16:52,034 They've changed the packaging. 276 00:16:52,074 --> 00:16:57,074 It said in my stars, today would be full of thrilling surprises! 277 00:16:59,154 --> 00:17:01,794 Hasta luego. Hasta lumbago to you as well. 278 00:17:03,914 --> 00:17:06,154 Maria, take this to my office, would you? 279 00:17:08,514 --> 00:17:09,874 Hello. Yes. 280 00:17:09,914 --> 00:17:12,594 The Solana, Joyce Temple-Savage speaking. 281 00:17:13,314 --> 00:17:15,874 How much spending money did you bring on this holiday? 282 00:17:15,914 --> 00:17:19,514 Not much, plus I spent it all yesterday on drinks and this tattoo. 283 00:17:19,554 --> 00:17:21,274 You fancy making a bit of money? 284 00:17:43,874 --> 00:17:46,474 Aaargh! Ohhh! 285 00:17:50,914 --> 00:17:52,314 He's blinded me! 286 00:18:07,034 --> 00:18:10,674 And can you just tell me about this one again? How many times? 287 00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:15,794 That one's the water park, the one with the slides on the front 288 00:18:15,834 --> 00:18:17,154 and the water. 289 00:18:22,994 --> 00:18:26,394 And they've got animals here? No. You've not been listening. 290 00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:29,554 That's THIS one, the Terra Natura, 291 00:18:29,594 --> 00:18:32,194 the one with the lion on the front. 292 00:18:52,354 --> 00:18:56,114 How am I a racist? Having learning difficulties isn't a race. 293 00:18:56,154 --> 00:18:57,554 Please let go of my arm! 294 00:18:57,594 --> 00:19:00,714 People have ignored me all my life, just because I can't read or write. 295 00:19:00,754 --> 00:19:03,674 I'm not ignoring you, I'm trying to get rid of you! 296 00:19:03,714 --> 00:19:06,434 My dad hits me! I'm not surprised! 297 00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:08,554 Huh... 298 00:19:10,874 --> 00:19:12,594 Oh, for God's sake, Maria, 299 00:19:12,634 --> 00:19:15,154 it would have been far too easy to put them on the desk. 300 00:19:19,314 --> 00:19:20,594 Huh... 301 00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:22,634 Oh, there it is. 302 00:19:29,074 --> 00:19:31,594 Miss Temple-Savage, I think you better come outside. 303 00:19:31,634 --> 00:19:34,194 What's the problem, Liam? I'm up to my eyes in it! 304 00:19:34,234 --> 00:19:36,594 Mateo is trying to strangle the new member of staff. 305 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,994 Oh, for goodness' sake, it's like running a zoo! 306 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,954 You are a little dwarf. 307 00:19:49,994 --> 00:19:52,994 For heaven's sake, man, think about what you're doing! 308 00:19:53,034 --> 00:19:54,554 Get off me, Lesley! 309 00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:58,754 I've never seen anything like it. Really? Oh, I have. 310 00:19:58,794 --> 00:20:01,394 In fact this is basically my DVD collection. 311 00:20:03,194 --> 00:20:05,354 Apart from the tranny pensioner, of course. 312 00:20:05,394 --> 00:20:08,434 Stop it! The lot of you, just stop it! 313 00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:10,714 Will you stop it! Stop it! 314 00:20:10,754 --> 00:20:13,154 Mateo, what the hell is going on? 315 00:20:13,194 --> 00:20:16,554 This guy is trying to make me look stupid. 316 00:20:16,594 --> 00:20:18,794 You don't need any help with that, mate. 317 00:20:18,834 --> 00:20:22,314 Mateo! Inside! This guy cannot just come and take over my bar! 318 00:20:22,354 --> 00:20:24,794 You are working on reception all this week. 319 00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:28,114 Miss Temple-Savage! Please! I said, inside! Now! 320 00:20:33,514 --> 00:20:37,954 I'm sorry about that. Mr Castellanos can be a little territorial, 321 00:20:37,994 --> 00:20:39,754 but it's all healthy competition. 322 00:20:39,794 --> 00:20:43,474 Healthy competition? He just tried to strangle me! 323 00:20:43,514 --> 00:20:45,474 It means he likes you. 324 00:20:49,594 --> 00:20:51,594 God help you if he didn't. 325 00:20:55,994 --> 00:20:57,434 Grand! 326 00:21:02,814 --> 00:21:06,054 Take the second road on the left. I'm going on the toll road. 327 00:21:06,094 --> 00:21:09,454 No, no, for heaven's sake, man, have you fallen out with your money? 328 00:21:09,494 --> 00:21:11,174 Isn't the toll road be quicker? 329 00:21:11,214 --> 00:21:14,694 I know a really good short cut. Stay on this road. 330 00:21:14,734 --> 00:21:17,014 The toll road is better, it's only three euros. 331 00:21:21,094 --> 00:21:23,854 What are you doing? You lunatic! 332 00:21:23,894 --> 00:21:26,694 You could have had us all killed there! 333 00:21:34,014 --> 00:21:37,934 Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves! 334 00:21:49,201 --> 00:21:51,521 Thank you for your patience, Mr Gravy. 335 00:21:51,561 --> 00:21:54,281 We have the results back on your contraband. 336 00:21:55,801 --> 00:21:57,641 It's Garvey. Excuse me? 337 00:21:57,681 --> 00:21:59,561 My name's Garvey, not Gravy. 338 00:21:59,601 --> 00:22:02,281 I am here to tell you, Mr Gravy, 339 00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:06,001 to traffic drugs into this country is a criminal offence. 340 00:22:06,041 --> 00:22:09,401 Oh, God! I didn't smuggle anything. They weren't even mine! 341 00:22:09,441 --> 00:22:14,481 An offence that carries a minimum fine of 1,000 euros 342 00:22:14,521 --> 00:22:18,921 and a maximum jail sentence of 25 years! 343 00:22:18,961 --> 00:22:22,321 I want a solicitor. I want a solicitor here now! 344 00:22:22,361 --> 00:22:27,081 Can you imagine spending the rest of your life in a jail cell 345 00:22:27,121 --> 00:22:28,681 no bigger than this room? 346 00:22:29,481 --> 00:22:30,681 No. 347 00:22:30,721 --> 00:22:34,721 Can you imagine being incarcerated for 23 hours a day, 348 00:22:34,761 --> 00:22:38,081 never seeing your loved ones again, 349 00:22:38,121 --> 00:22:42,001 eating flies and cockroaches to keep you alive? 350 00:22:42,041 --> 00:22:43,561 No. 351 00:22:43,601 --> 00:22:46,401 Then it is lucky for you 352 00:22:46,441 --> 00:22:50,201 the contents of these tablets is nothing but herbal. What? 353 00:22:50,241 --> 00:22:53,521 They are herbal. There is nothing in them that concerns us. 354 00:22:53,561 --> 00:22:55,361 You... are free to go. 355 00:22:55,401 --> 00:22:58,201 Well what was all that about, then? What was all what about? 356 00:22:58,241 --> 00:23:01,681 The 23 hours a day locked in a tiny cell eating cockroaches? 357 00:23:01,721 --> 00:23:05,441 My local drama society are soon having open auditioning for the musical Oliver. 358 00:23:05,481 --> 00:23:08,241 I am hoping for the part of Mr Bumbles. 359 00:23:08,281 --> 00:23:10,161 You think I am in with a shot? 360 00:23:11,561 --> 00:23:16,241 Your possessions are outside the door. Mr Gravy, welcome to Spain. 361 00:23:18,441 --> 00:23:20,401 Dickhead. 362 00:23:20,881 --> 00:23:24,041 ♪ One boy! 363 00:23:24,681 --> 00:23:28,721 ♪ Boy for sale! ♪ 364 00:23:34,641 --> 00:23:36,281 Right... 365 00:23:36,321 --> 00:23:40,481 I'm pretty certain if we turn around 366 00:23:40,521 --> 00:23:45,281 I might just be able to find the way back to the toll road. 367 00:23:45,321 --> 00:23:47,041 Oh, brilliant! 368 00:23:48,481 --> 00:23:52,081 ♪ One man went to mow Went to mow a - 369 00:23:52,121 --> 00:23:53,721 Shut up! 370 00:24:01,401 --> 00:24:03,081 Come on, now, 20 euros each, 371 00:24:03,121 --> 00:24:06,761 unlimited alcohol, food and use of all four-star facilities. 372 00:24:10,601 --> 00:24:11,801 Shit! Look! 373 00:24:14,121 --> 00:24:17,801 OK, sorry, ladies and gents, my business partner and I will be back later. 374 00:24:17,841 --> 00:24:22,481 I've just remembered an appointment we've got with a swimming pool and some San Miguel. 375 00:24:24,961 --> 00:24:27,121 All right, young 'un? They cannot do this to me. 376 00:24:27,161 --> 00:24:29,401 Listen, pal, you'll have to wind your neck in 377 00:24:29,441 --> 00:24:33,361 or losing your job is gonna be the least of your problems. I have to do what with my neck? 378 00:24:33,401 --> 00:24:35,481 But Auntie Lesley has got a plan up her sleeve. 379 00:24:35,521 --> 00:24:39,561 I say to the new bar man there's no point doing a whole week's unpaid work 380 00:24:39,601 --> 00:24:42,761 when we can settle this with a grand cocktail competition. 381 00:24:42,801 --> 00:24:48,081 You against him. The audience decides the winner, the loser leaves the Solana. 382 00:24:48,121 --> 00:24:49,961 But how can I do this? 383 00:24:50,001 --> 00:24:53,281 He is better than me with his juggling and his gay fairy dust. 384 00:24:53,321 --> 00:24:55,561 He is at the moment, but I'm gonna cover your shift 385 00:24:55,601 --> 00:24:58,361 while you spend the day with my mate, Calvino. 386 00:24:58,401 --> 00:25:00,241 Who is Calvino? 387 00:25:34,961 --> 00:25:36,481 Topping! 388 00:25:51,521 --> 00:25:54,241 Exhilarating places, airports. You reckon? 389 00:25:54,281 --> 00:25:58,841 Oh, yes. As a young man I used to hang about Glasgow Airport for hours on end. 390 00:25:58,881 --> 00:26:02,921 I bet you did. Every face tells a story. 391 00:26:02,961 --> 00:26:06,161 This guy, for instance. Who is Miguel? 392 00:26:06,201 --> 00:26:09,161 A long-lost son? A feuding brother? 393 00:26:09,201 --> 00:26:10,641 An illicit affair? 394 00:26:10,681 --> 00:26:13,121 Are you on drugs? It's just a taxi driver. 395 00:26:13,161 --> 00:26:15,601 Ok, well, what about this one, then? 396 00:26:15,641 --> 00:26:18,441 On the face of it, a young, carefree holidaymaker, 397 00:26:18,921 --> 00:26:22,801 but I say high-class European prostitute, 398 00:26:22,841 --> 00:26:25,401 only works for the high rollers. 399 00:26:25,441 --> 00:26:30,761 Every night a different country, every night a different millionaire Arab sheik. 400 00:26:31,441 --> 00:26:33,961 Oh, my god! Yes, she's quite something. 401 00:26:35,441 --> 00:26:38,001 Don't forget to ask for a VAT receipt! 402 00:26:38,041 --> 00:26:40,161 Bianca? Dad! 403 00:26:40,201 --> 00:26:43,601 What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the Maldives. I... 404 00:26:43,641 --> 00:26:46,841 I came to see you. What do you mean, you came to see me? 405 00:26:46,881 --> 00:26:48,081 From the Maldives? 406 00:26:48,121 --> 00:26:51,241 Well, not just you. Mum, Tiger... 407 00:26:51,281 --> 00:26:54,961 Why didn't you call me? When did you book your flight? 408 00:26:56,161 --> 00:26:58,681 What's going on? 409 00:26:58,721 --> 00:27:01,761 Hey, hey, come here, come here. 410 00:27:01,801 --> 00:27:04,761 It's all right, everything's all right. 411 00:27:04,801 --> 00:27:09,881 Now, tell me what's going on. He's left me! Hugo's left me! 412 00:27:09,921 --> 00:27:12,441 What? I want my momma! 413 00:27:12,481 --> 00:27:14,841 Come on, princess, come on, come on. Let's go. 414 00:27:22,001 --> 00:27:24,241 He's gone. He left half an hour ago. Who? 415 00:27:24,281 --> 00:27:26,481 Mick. My husband. 416 00:27:26,521 --> 00:27:29,561 Who did you think I was talking about? Oh, yes, of course! 417 00:27:29,601 --> 00:27:33,361 Oh, blast! We must just have missed him. Thanks to your shortcut. 418 00:27:35,801 --> 00:27:38,521 Where's Clive? I think we've been dumped. 419 00:27:38,561 --> 00:27:42,761 What do you mean, dumped? For a high-class European prostitute. 420 00:27:42,801 --> 00:27:45,641 I must say, I had Clive down as being a little reserved, 421 00:27:45,681 --> 00:27:49,401 but you should have seen him, he was like a ferret up a drainpipe! 422 00:27:55,201 --> 00:27:58,441 He's not answering his phone. Well, make him answer his phone. 423 00:27:58,481 --> 00:28:02,041 How do I do that? You don't even know if your grandson is with my son. 424 00:28:02,081 --> 00:28:04,121 Oh, he's with him, all right. 425 00:28:04,161 --> 00:28:08,041 First time I saw your lad I thought, 'There's trouble.' I beg your pardon? 426 00:28:08,081 --> 00:28:12,481 It's always the same, the slow kids at school drag the others down to their level. 427 00:28:12,521 --> 00:28:15,441 What? Oh, yes, I spotted your lad a mile off. 428 00:28:15,481 --> 00:28:20,241 A wonky fringe, a fat tongue and a lazy eye. 429 00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:23,801 A face like he's been chasing parked cars. You listen to me... 430 00:28:23,841 --> 00:28:28,081 Oi, Madge! Heel! And where the frig have you been? 431 00:28:28,121 --> 00:28:31,641 You know full well where I've been. They went to collect you ages ago. 432 00:28:31,681 --> 00:28:36,361 I can only apologise for the toxic dumping ground otherwise known as my mother-in-law's gob. 433 00:28:36,401 --> 00:28:39,841 Don't you apologise for me. Oh, you're Mick! 434 00:28:39,881 --> 00:28:42,601 My husband went to find your wife to take her to the airport. 435 00:28:42,641 --> 00:28:46,561 Been gone some time, haven't they? You won't see them for the rest of the day. 436 00:28:46,601 --> 00:28:50,721 Shut up or I'll sit you in the shade. You'll do no such frigging thing. 437 00:28:52,161 --> 00:28:54,521 I think I saw your husband yesterday at the airport - 438 00:28:54,561 --> 00:28:57,801 short fella, brown hair, face like a squashed frog? 439 00:28:57,841 --> 00:29:00,841 That's him. Oh, right. I must have just missed them. 440 00:29:00,881 --> 00:29:04,121 Mick Garvey. Tonya. Tonya Dyke. 441 00:29:04,161 --> 00:29:06,681 Well, Mrs Dyke, 442 00:29:06,721 --> 00:29:09,121 I'm sure he'll be back soon and I can thank him 443 00:29:09,161 --> 00:29:11,281 for giving my missus... a lift. 444 00:29:11,321 --> 00:29:14,561 He's an idiot. And don't worry, he'd never make a move on your wife. 445 00:29:14,601 --> 00:29:17,841 No, no, I wasn't suggesting - For one, he knows I'd cut his balls off, 446 00:29:17,881 --> 00:29:20,201 and two, he probably couldn't reach. 447 00:29:22,241 --> 00:29:25,721 Dad? Hey! You all right? 448 00:29:25,761 --> 00:29:29,801 When did YOU get here? Just now. What have you done to your arm? 449 00:29:29,841 --> 00:29:32,161 Er, I burnt it in the pool. 450 00:29:32,201 --> 00:29:34,281 You burnt it in the pool? 451 00:29:35,041 --> 00:29:37,761 Yeah, I was in the pool, and my arm was resting on the side 452 00:29:37,801 --> 00:29:39,921 and I forgot to put sun cream on. 453 00:29:39,961 --> 00:29:43,361 Where's my mam? Come on, let's go and wait for her in reception. 454 00:29:43,401 --> 00:29:45,441 I'll see you later. Yeah, laters. 455 00:29:48,641 --> 00:29:52,441 Never forget, bubba, whatever people say about you, 456 00:29:52,481 --> 00:29:54,481 your momma thinks you are beautiful. 457 00:29:55,801 --> 00:29:57,801 What's that supposed to mean? 458 00:30:04,641 --> 00:30:07,441 Where on earth did you learn to toss your bottles like that? 459 00:30:07,481 --> 00:30:10,921 If it's not a rude question. Just picked stuff up working in bars. 460 00:30:10,961 --> 00:30:14,441 Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. 461 00:30:14,481 --> 00:30:17,201 So how long have you worked here for? Just over a year now. 462 00:30:17,241 --> 00:30:20,081 Came here on holiday and couldn't face going back home. 463 00:30:20,121 --> 00:30:23,841 Tell me about it. Well, I think you're doing a great job. 464 00:30:23,881 --> 00:30:25,601 Oh! Why, thank you, sir. 465 00:30:25,641 --> 00:30:29,281 I mean, I love kids, but I couldn't work with them all the time. 466 00:30:29,321 --> 00:30:31,921 Kids? Yeah. 467 00:30:31,961 --> 00:30:34,961 What do you mean? You are a kids' entertainer, aren't you? 468 00:30:35,001 --> 00:30:39,521 No. Oh, sorry, I just thought with you being dressed like a clown... 469 00:30:39,561 --> 00:30:40,961 A clown? 470 00:30:41,001 --> 00:30:44,201 Well, you know, the garish clothes, the padding, the make-up... 471 00:30:44,241 --> 00:30:46,961 I am wearing the slightest touch of foundation. 472 00:30:47,001 --> 00:30:49,961 And as for my clothes... Hang on, did you say padding? 473 00:30:50,001 --> 00:30:52,721 Look, mate, loads of people wear fancy dress in Benidorm. 474 00:30:52,761 --> 00:30:54,441 - No offence, yeah? - Hello? 475 00:30:54,481 --> 00:30:57,361 Yes, ladies... I am not wearing fancy dress! 476 00:30:59,881 --> 00:31:04,401 Excuse me, can you tell me where Dicky Donut's Kids Club is? Piss off! 477 00:31:07,481 --> 00:31:11,081 Come on, sweet pea, dry your eyes, your mum's by the pool. 478 00:31:11,121 --> 00:31:14,081 This is where you're staying? 479 00:31:14,121 --> 00:31:15,801 Oh, my god, what a dump! 480 00:31:15,841 --> 00:31:19,041 Hugo booked us into a five-star beach bungalow in the Maldives. 481 00:31:19,081 --> 00:31:21,561 Yeah, but then he chucked you. 482 00:31:23,401 --> 00:31:29,681 Oh, sorry, baby, I didn't mean to say that. Come on, let's go outside. 483 00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:31,121 Come on, come on. 484 00:31:33,401 --> 00:31:34,961 Thanks, pal. De nada. 485 00:31:35,001 --> 00:31:37,641 Hey, little friend, did you manage to cover up your ta - 486 00:31:37,681 --> 00:31:40,441 My burn? Yeah, yeah, it's healing nicely, thanks. 487 00:31:40,481 --> 00:31:42,521 What is 'burn'? I was talking about your tat - 488 00:31:42,561 --> 00:31:45,281 Tan burn, yeah. I've just put some sun cream on it. 489 00:31:45,321 --> 00:31:47,801 Come on, shall we go and sit over there? If you like. 490 00:31:49,601 --> 00:31:52,521 Alfonso. 491 00:31:54,761 --> 00:31:56,561 Prego. 492 00:31:58,841 --> 00:32:03,161 Where's he going? He's in training for the Benidorm Marathon. 493 00:32:03,201 --> 00:32:06,041 Benidorm Marathon? I've never heard such rubbish. 494 00:32:06,081 --> 00:32:09,161 You'll be telling me there's a Benidorm Weight Watchers group next. 495 00:32:13,521 --> 00:32:15,561 Mick! Hey! 496 00:32:15,601 --> 00:32:18,881 Oh, I've been worried about you! I'm all right. 497 00:32:18,921 --> 00:32:22,241 We went to pick you up but, well, it's a long story. 498 00:32:22,281 --> 00:32:24,121 All's well that end's well. 499 00:32:24,161 --> 00:32:29,001 As one ex-con to another, I hope your time in the pokey wasn't too hard. 500 00:32:29,041 --> 00:32:32,121 If you get my drift. No, thankfully I don't. 501 00:32:32,161 --> 00:32:34,361 Have you got a key? I've got to have a shower. 502 00:32:34,401 --> 00:32:38,081 I don't mind smelling my own BO, but I'm starting to taste it now. 503 00:32:38,121 --> 00:32:39,881 Here you go. All right. Mwah! 504 00:32:39,921 --> 00:32:41,881 Right, see you outside. 505 00:32:43,481 --> 00:32:46,081 Mum, can you do me a favour? What? 506 00:32:46,121 --> 00:32:49,921 Can we not tell my Dad about my tattoo? Not just yet. 507 00:32:49,961 --> 00:32:53,841 Well, he's gonna find out about it eventually, but you've got a point. 508 00:32:53,881 --> 00:32:55,721 I think he's had enough for one day. 509 00:32:55,761 --> 00:32:58,241 I got a tattoo while in prison. 510 00:32:58,281 --> 00:33:00,441 It's the letters WW. 511 00:33:00,481 --> 00:33:07,321 I won't tell you where it is, but suffice to say when I tie my shoelaces, it says 'Wow'. 512 00:33:10,361 --> 00:33:12,041 Come on, let's go. 513 00:33:17,521 --> 00:33:19,921 Right, come on, sup up. 514 00:33:19,961 --> 00:33:21,961 We've got to get these back to the Solana. 515 00:33:22,001 --> 00:33:23,481 I did say we didn't have time! 516 00:33:23,521 --> 00:33:26,441 Ssh! I'm just going to say thanks to Eduardo for these bottles. 517 00:33:29,681 --> 00:33:32,241 Thanks, Eddie, love. I'll get them back to you tomorrow. 518 00:33:32,281 --> 00:33:34,601 No problem. So you've definitely never seen him? 519 00:33:34,641 --> 00:33:36,521 Sorry. 520 00:33:36,561 --> 00:33:39,361 Have you lost somebody? You've not seen this fella, have you? 521 00:33:39,401 --> 00:33:42,361 I've got a substantial reward for any information leading to him. 522 00:33:42,401 --> 00:33:45,241 I think me and you need to have a little talk. 523 00:33:45,281 --> 00:33:48,521 Are we going or what? One for the road, Liam. One for the road. 524 00:34:03,241 --> 00:34:06,321 Have you seen Lesley? I think she's working on the pool bar. 525 00:34:06,361 --> 00:34:08,441 We're absolutely mobbed! 526 00:34:08,481 --> 00:34:12,081 You haven't got a spare few hours, have you? No, not really. 527 00:34:12,121 --> 00:34:15,641 We're going through the plans for the grand re-opening of Blow 'n' Go tomorrow. 528 00:34:15,681 --> 00:34:17,921 You're not selling those drinks in your salon? 529 00:34:17,961 --> 00:34:21,641 They're not real. They're made of rubber. Uh, I don't want to know. 530 00:34:21,681 --> 00:34:24,081 Are you sure you can't spare a couple of hours? 531 00:34:24,121 --> 00:34:27,081 I'm sorry, Joyce, we're rushed off our feet. 532 00:34:27,121 --> 00:34:29,601 15 euros an hour. 533 00:34:30,281 --> 00:34:32,441 Where do you want us? You on reception... 534 00:34:32,481 --> 00:34:34,441 and you behind the bar. 535 00:34:34,481 --> 00:34:37,001 I don't mind going behind the bar. No, thank you. 536 00:34:37,041 --> 00:34:40,561 The profits are narrow enough as it is. Charming! 537 00:34:40,601 --> 00:34:43,761 If you need me, I'll be in Ragtimes. 538 00:34:52,601 --> 00:34:54,441 Solana Benidorm. 539 00:35:00,081 --> 00:35:02,081 Uno. Dos. 540 00:35:03,161 --> 00:35:05,761 Dos. Y aqui. Tres. 541 00:35:15,361 --> 00:35:17,681 So that's 11:30, outside the hotel. 542 00:35:17,721 --> 00:35:20,081 And I don't want to go to no crappy karaoke bar. 543 00:35:20,121 --> 00:35:23,841 I've got very expensive taste. I'm sure you have. 544 00:35:23,881 --> 00:35:25,881 See you tonight. See you tonight. 545 00:35:28,921 --> 00:35:33,161 Right, looks like I'm gonna have to go to work earlier than planned. 546 00:35:33,201 --> 00:35:36,241 - Cover me. - Hey! 547 00:35:42,561 --> 00:35:44,241 Shit! 548 00:35:44,281 --> 00:35:46,281 You are next! You are next. 549 00:36:06,721 --> 00:36:09,281 Have you lost something? Erm, no. 550 00:36:09,321 --> 00:36:11,161 Just looking for Joyce, the manager. 551 00:36:11,201 --> 00:36:14,161 You won't find her in the top drawer behind reception. 552 00:36:14,201 --> 00:36:16,601 She usually has her break in the second drawer down. 553 00:36:16,641 --> 00:36:19,121 Second drawer. Very good. 554 00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:25,281 She's in Ragtimes. Oh, yeah. Ragtimes! Catch you later. 555 00:36:29,041 --> 00:36:31,041 No. No, I'll catch YOU later. 556 00:36:42,679 --> 00:36:44,239 What's going on? It's packed. 557 00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:47,560 Excuse me, love, have you got a table for four? 558 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:49,880 I'm sorry, pet, we're absolutely chocka block. 559 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:52,080 Well, where are we supposed to eat our dinner? 560 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:56,760 I'm sorry, Mrs H, I can maybe get you four chairs from the Hawaiian function room, 561 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,040 but we can't fit any more tables in. 562 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:02,000 It's disgusting. You should all be shot! 563 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:15,840 ♪ They say that you're a runaround lover 564 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:20,600 ♪ Though you say it isn't so 565 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,800 ♪ But if you put me down for another... 566 00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:26,400 This is ridiculous. 567 00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:29,160 I've got so much gravy, it keeps going all over my shorts. 568 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:31,600 We'll eat this and then we'll go outside near the pool. 569 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:34,640 What, in the dark? Do you want to sit up here all night? 570 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:36,120 I wanted to do karaoke. 571 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:38,640 It always boils down to what YOU want to do, doesn't it? 572 00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:41,840 I've already lost the first two days of my holiday because of you. 573 00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:45,160 What's the difference? You're never around when people need you anyway. 574 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:47,600 Tell her, Janice, cos I am gonna lose it big time. 575 00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:50,720 Shut up, the pair of you! Do you mind having your argument later? 576 00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,840 I'm trying to sing. And we're trying to eat our dinner! 577 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,880 ♪ You say that you're at home when you phone me 578 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:03,440 ♪ And how much you really care... 579 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:07,680 I'm not happy with this competition. I didn't sanction it. 580 00:38:07,720 --> 00:38:11,080 Look at it this way, if people are watching, they're not drinking. 581 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:16,120 That's true. Ask them to spin it out as long as possible. 582 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,760 Hey, amigo, we owe Calvino at Jumping Jacks 65 euros. 583 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:22,680 The little bugger! 584 00:38:22,720 --> 00:38:25,160 He said he was giving you the lessons for nought. 585 00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:29,200 It is not for the lessons, it is for all the bottles of alcohol I smashed. 586 00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:31,320 Looks like I've arrived in the nick of time. 587 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:33,520 Practice bottles from the beach. 588 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,440 It's not who you know, it's who you've slept with. 589 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:41,000 ♪ One of these days you're gonna be sorry... 590 00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:44,160 Complementary cocktails. Thank you very much. 591 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:47,960 Will you please eat something? I don't wanna eat nothing. 592 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,280 She don't wanna eat nothing, she is grieving. 593 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:52,680 You gotta eat something, you've had nothing all day. 594 00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:55,440 I'll have something later when I go out. Go out? 595 00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:58,640 Where are you going out? I'm going out with a friend later. 596 00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:01,560 Friend? What friend? You haven't got any friends. 597 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:05,640 I think you'll find it's YOU that hasn't got any friends. Where you going, bubba? 598 00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:09,040 Just for some drinks with a couple of girls I was talking to earlier. 599 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:11,720 Lovely. When did you speak to them? 600 00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:13,640 I didn't see you speaking to any girls. 601 00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:16,080 Oh, for goodness' sake, will you shut up whining? 602 00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:18,360 That's all you've done since you arrived. 603 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:22,880 ♪ Has a thousand eyes... ♪ 604 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:27,280 - I'm liking this. - Excuse me. 605 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,160 Have you finished with them chips? 606 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,640 That's the end of my first set this evening. 607 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:36,320 I'd like to thank my backing group for eating their pies in time to the music. 608 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,000 I couldn't have done it without you. Do you want my pastry? 609 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,920 Course I don't want your pastry. It's soggy. 610 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:46,520 Nearly finished. Your fish pie will be here in a minute. 611 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:50,720 No rush, I'm absolutely fine. 612 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:54,120 Reminds me of the old Amsterdam days. 613 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,360 Ooh, yeah! 614 00:39:56,400 --> 00:40:03,920 OK, ladies and gentlemen, we have two competitors - Jason and Mateo. 615 00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:10,160 The cocktail is Sex On The Beach... 616 00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,840 And we have three categories to score - 617 00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:17,640 bottle technique, cocktail appearance and cocktail flavour. 618 00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:20,520 Take it away, boys! 619 00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,520 What's he playing at? Shut up and get on with it. 620 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:15,200 Bon appetite. 621 00:41:15,240 --> 00:41:18,280 Excuse me, are you Joyce Temple-Savage? 622 00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:21,240 That is I. How can I be of assistance? 623 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:24,120 I can't help noticing you're rather busy this evening. 624 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:26,920 We're a very popular four-star hotel. 625 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:28,760 My name's Beverley Westwood. 626 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:30,800 I manage... Four stars? 627 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:34,520 I manage the all-inclusive Alberta on the front. 628 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:37,600 Oh, yes, I'm aware of it. How can I help? 629 00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:39,800 We're rather busy tonight. 630 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:43,120 Yes, rather busy with too many guests, 631 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:46,480 guests wearing all-inclusive wrist bands. 632 00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:48,320 Stolen wrist bands I'd bet. 633 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:50,280 Stolen? Oh, yes. 634 00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:52,800 And I've come to get the person responsible. 635 00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:05,040 He's wiping the floor with you, man. Do something impressive. Come on! 636 00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:25,440 He's done it again! 637 00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:27,000 We've got to go! You what? 638 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:30,080 Now. I'll explain later. Calm down. What's the problem? 639 00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:32,600 You stay here, but I'm going. Oi, come here! 640 00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:36,720 What the frigging hell's that? Eh? 641 00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:39,240 Answer me, when did you get this? 642 00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:54,280 Then I got the tip off that he'd been seen here, so I came over. 643 00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:57,840 I knew something wasn't right when he offered to work for free. 644 00:42:57,880 --> 00:42:59,960 Very perceptive. 645 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:03,400 The lad's got various scams - wrist bands just being one of them. 646 00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:05,880 He worked for us as a life guard. 647 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,960 He nicked everything apart from the water in the pool. 648 00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:13,080 The little... No. Please. Allow me. 649 00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:28,640 Aye, not bad. 650 00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:43,440 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not bad. 651 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,200 Just about the same. 652 00:43:45,240 --> 00:43:47,520 Rubbish! 653 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:51,960 Now let's have your votes by way of applause. 654 00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,560 First of all for the brilliant Mateo! 655 00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:01,040 And for our second competitor, Jason. 656 00:44:09,920 --> 00:44:13,840 - Looks like a dead heat to me. - Ahhh! 657 00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:16,280 Jason! Jason! Jason! 658 00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,600 Mateo! Mateo! 659 00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:22,080 Sorry, mate, you can't argue with public opinion. 660 00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:24,560 Oh, I think you can. Shit! 661 00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:31,560 What's going on? 662 00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:34,600 Yeah, well he says your son did it. 663 00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:36,320 No, I said he was with me. 664 00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:39,760 Are you accusing my boy of forcing your son to get a tattoo? 665 00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:44,320 Absolute scum. I knew it the first time I set eyes on this family. 666 00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:46,000 I beg your pardon? Just leave it. 667 00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:48,160 Give him a smack in the gob! 668 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,800 I'm not going to be doing that, Madge, because... 669 00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:53,880 Whoa! Mick, what are you doing? That's it! 670 00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:06,640 What is going on? 671 00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:09,160 I think the new boy has just resigned. 672 00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:11,400 So I keep my job? What do YOU you think? 673 00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:14,200 Now get behind that bar! Huh... 674 00:45:15,240 --> 00:45:17,040 Champion!