1
00:00:27,180 --> 00:00:29,535
Oh, I think it's lovely.
2
00:00:30,020 --> 00:00:33,172
Did you ever think you'd be a father
at your age?
3
00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:36,373
It's not me who's the father, it's Troy.
4
00:00:36,580 --> 00:00:38,890
I've heard of this gay adoption.
5
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:43,176
But what I can't work out is,
when you get the baby,
6
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,496
how do you know it's gay?
7
00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:49,570
I've not adopted a baby.
I've got a grown-up son. He's 21.
8
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:55,457
Oh, heck! Oh, it's amazing
what they can do these days, isn't it?
9
00:00:56,460 --> 00:00:59,373
She thinks you made him
out of sticky back plastic.
10
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:01,616
Sorry about that.
Had to nip across the road.
11
00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:04,414
A celebration like this
calls for champagne.
12
00:01:04,540 --> 00:01:05,530
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
13
00:01:05,660 --> 00:01:08,300
Oh, come on, now.
You shouldn't have done...
14
00:01:08,420 --> 00:01:09,410
that.
15
00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:11,497
Oh, I love champagne.
16
00:01:11,620 --> 00:01:13,816
Be careful, now,
we don't want it to go everywhere.
17
00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:16,659
Don't think there's much chance of that.
18
00:01:17,260 --> 00:01:18,216
Oh!
19
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:22,134
There we are.
20
00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:25,692
Oh, thank you, Donald.
21
00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:30,174
ALL: Cheers!
22
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,259
JACQUELINE: Congratulations.
23
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,616
- They're having champagne.
- Are they?
24
00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:39,731
That Donald's just brought it in.
25
00:01:39,860 --> 00:01:41,180
(YAWNING) Oh, right?
26
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,450
What's he got champagne for?
27
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:45,529
No idea.
28
00:01:45,780 --> 00:01:47,578
Do you think he's won something?
29
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:50,055
Wouldn't be surprised, jammy sod.
30
00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:52,736
I can't see properly.
What do you think he's won?
31
00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:54,817
Nosey parker of the year.
32
00:01:55,420 --> 00:01:58,299
I think you should go over there and
tell him he should have come second.
33
00:01:58,420 --> 00:02:01,014
I'm not being nosey. I'm just curious.
34
00:02:02,180 --> 00:02:03,898
Aye, what are you two doing?
35
00:02:04,020 --> 00:02:07,729
Bloody hell! I don't remember
calling Ghostbusters, do you?
36
00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:09,619
Very amusing.
37
00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:12,172
Madge and I need a word.
38
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,415
What about?
39
00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:15,736
We need to tell you something.
40
00:02:21,460 --> 00:02:23,610
Janey, please, give me one more chance.
41
00:02:23,740 --> 00:02:25,856
No, I told you, you're sacked.
42
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:29,052
Please, I have explained.
I was in bed all night with a fever.
43
00:02:29,180 --> 00:02:31,091
Oh, I'm sure you were in bed all night.
44
00:02:31,220 --> 00:02:32,540
But not how you think.
45
00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:35,254
I swear to you, the reason I didn't
go to work last night
46
00:02:35,380 --> 00:02:39,055
was because I was not well.
Janey, please, I need this job.
47
00:02:40,420 --> 00:02:42,013
Oh, shit. I'll get changed.
48
00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:44,097
Eh? I didn't say yes yet!
49
00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:51,169
Thanks so much for coming, Kate.
Shame we can't fly back together.
50
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:53,018
Well, you have your
return ticket paid for.
51
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:54,460
It would be insane to buy another one.
52
00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:57,857
I can't buy another one
'cause I don't have that kind of money.
53
00:02:57,980 --> 00:03:00,017
Well, that's sorted, then.
54
00:03:00,140 --> 00:03:02,575
Oh, God, I almost forgot.
I got you something.
55
00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:05,692
- Martin, I have to go.
- Wait there, one minute.
56
00:03:07,740 --> 00:03:09,970
- You ordered a taxi for the airport?
- Yes.
57
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,057
- It's outside.
- Thank you.
58
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:44,011
Right, what's going on?
59
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:46,854
Well, as you both know,
I came back to Benidorm
60
00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:49,130
with the idea of setting up
some kind of business.
61
00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,297
Now, I'm sure you'll be
the first to point out
62
00:03:51,420 --> 00:03:55,300
that, so far, none of my efforts
has been a complete success.
63
00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:57,172
Well, apart from
the bacon factory in Israel,
64
00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:58,734
there's not a lot left for you to do.
65
00:03:58,860 --> 00:04:00,453
So I've decided to think big.
66
00:04:00,580 --> 00:04:02,890
Very brave,
for a man 4" 8" in Cuban heels.
67
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:04,852
Can we just listen
to what he's got to say?
68
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:06,618
Instead of setting up my own venture,
69
00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:10,449
I've decided to buy an established
business here in Benidorm.
70
00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:13,732
Can't tell you what it is yet
before I've sealed the deal,
71
00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:17,330
but we want you to know
that Madge and I are relocating.
72
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,820
Relocating where?
73
00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:21,897
We're buying a business in Benidorm.
74
00:04:22,020 --> 00:04:24,694
Where do you think
we're relocating to? Skegness?
75
00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:25,855
I don't understand.
76
00:04:25,980 --> 00:04:28,449
For crying out loud,
what's there to understand?
77
00:04:28,580 --> 00:04:31,811
Me and Mel are buying a business
and we're staying in Benidorm.
78
00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:34,011
- For how long?
- Permanently.
79
00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,971
You can't just not come home.
We need to discuss it.
80
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:45,730
Why do we need to discuss it?
What's it got to do with you?
81
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:56,490
Oh, hello, son,
have you had any breakfast?
82
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:59,499
- What do you think you're doing?
- What do you mean?
83
00:04:59,620 --> 00:05:01,896
I've only just been let out of
the police station.
84
00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:04,739
I know.
I was going to pop by this morning
85
00:05:04,860 --> 00:05:08,490
but I thought it'd make more sense
to get us two sunbeds.
86
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:12,530
I just spent the night
in the Spanish cells
87
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:15,732
and the best thing you can do to help me
is reserve me a sunbed?
88
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:18,374
Well, I didn't think
they'd be keeping you much longer.
89
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:21,731
I mean, you didn't really do anything,
did you?
90
00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:26,379
I spent 36 hours banged up
for wasting police time, thanks to you.
91
00:05:28,820 --> 00:05:30,333
Do you want a Cornetto?
92
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:33,339
I know it's only early,
but I've just had one.
93
00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:35,258
(MIMICKING) Do I want a Cornetto?
94
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:38,180
No, I don't want!
I don't want anything from you!
95
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:41,258
That's me and you finished.
Do you understand?
96
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:46,456
What about a Strawberry Mivvi?
You like them.
97
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:50,535
That's like an ice-cream
and an ice lolly in one, ain't it?
98
00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:52,810
Are you not listening to me?
99
00:05:53,260 --> 00:05:56,059
It's over.
I'm moving out when we get back.
100
00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:59,299
Moving out? Where to? Where will you go?
101
00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:01,775
As far away from you as possible.
102
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:10,174
What about an Ice pop?
There's no calories in an Ice... pop.
103
00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:16,574
All I'm saying is,
it's just a bit sudden.
104
00:06:16,700 --> 00:06:20,011
Maybe you should come home for
a couple of weeks and think about it.
105
00:06:20,140 --> 00:06:22,416
Can I live in Spain with you, nana?
106
00:06:22,540 --> 00:06:24,497
What's the UK got to offer us?
107
00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:27,851
Bad weather, the credit crunch
and miserable people.
108
00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:29,095
Why didn't you talk to us?
109
00:06:29,220 --> 00:06:31,177
Hey, look on the bright side.
110
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:34,736
If they do stay here, that's
two less miserable people in the UK.
111
00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:35,930
What business have you bought?
112
00:06:36,060 --> 00:06:39,690
I'm sorry, Janice, we can't discuss that
before the papers have been signed.
113
00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:41,652
In fact, we're just off to do that now.
114
00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:43,339
I'll tell you what, Mick'll go with you
115
00:06:43,460 --> 00:06:45,212
and I'll stay here
and talk to me mother.
116
00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:47,411
I'm not staying here.
I'm going with Mel.
117
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:50,737
Well, we'll all go.
It'll be a nice day out.
118
00:06:50,860 --> 00:06:52,373
If you think I'm spending
the last days of me holiday
119
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:55,413
chasing round after Donald
and Ivana Trump, you can piss off.
120
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,133
In fact, I do need you
to come with us, Mick.
121
00:06:57,260 --> 00:06:58,978
There are a few things
I need to discuss with you.
122
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:02,730
Forget it. There's a pool through there
with my name on it.
123
00:07:04,260 --> 00:07:07,730
Well, I do have to hand over
the UK sunbed shops to someone.
124
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:12,252
Come on, you lot. These papers aren't
going to sign themselves, are they?
125
00:07:21,540 --> 00:07:23,577
Hi, there. How's it going?
126
00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:25,573
Hola.
127
00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:27,179
Wink McAndrew.
128
00:07:27,860 --> 00:07:28,816
What?
129
00:07:28,940 --> 00:07:30,419
Wink McAndrew.
130
00:07:31,340 --> 00:07:32,330
I don't know what that means.
131
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:36,135
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) No, man.
That's my name. Wink McAndrew.
132
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:37,890
Are you speaking English?
133
00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:39,977
'Course I'm speaking English,
you numpty!
134
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:44,059
I should have arrived on the coach
but there was a problem with my flight.
135
00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:47,332
I'm sorry,
this just sounds like a noise to me.
136
00:07:47,460 --> 00:07:49,133
You've got to be joking me.
137
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,012
You've never had a Glaswegian
booked in?
138
00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:52,778
Still just a noise.
139
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,493
(GRUNTING)
140
00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:56,689
You all right, pal?
141
00:07:56,980 --> 00:07:57,970
(GRUNTING)
142
00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,170
What's...
143
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:01,576
You're a wee bit jumpy, lad.
144
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:03,452
You sure you're okay?
145
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:07,453
Look, I'll tell you what.
I'll check in later, eh?
146
00:08:07,580 --> 00:08:11,175
I could do with a drink now, anyway.
No hard feelings, eh?
147
00:08:11,740 --> 00:08:12,935
MATEO: Mmm.
148
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,334
(BUZZING)
149
00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:17,371
Gets 'em every time! I love it!
150
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:19,298
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
151
00:08:23,740 --> 00:08:29,019
So, Troy having a son must have come
as a bit of a shock to you, Gavin?
152
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:32,610
Yes, you could safely say my gob
has never been more smacked.
153
00:08:32,740 --> 00:08:35,129
So, has your son got a boyfriend?
154
00:08:35,260 --> 00:08:37,490
He's got a girlfriend. He's straight.
155
00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:39,531
Oh, I am sorry.
156
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:43,975
Still, it's a free country.
I say, live and let live.
157
00:08:46,380 --> 00:08:47,859
Donald Stewart!
158
00:08:48,220 --> 00:08:50,052
As I live and breathe!
159
00:08:50,460 --> 00:08:52,576
I don't believe it.
160
00:08:53,260 --> 00:08:56,616
Wink McAndrew!
What on earth are you doing here?
161
00:08:56,740 --> 00:09:00,699
Sun, sea, sangria and...
Oh, hello there...
162
00:09:01,380 --> 00:09:03,769
You must be Donald's better half.
163
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:06,096
Wink, this is my wife Jacqueline.
164
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:09,212
Jacqueline, this is an old friend
of mine, Wink McAndrew.
165
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,978
Delighted, I'm sure.
166
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:15,651
My God, Stewpot,
you always did get the stunners.
167
00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:18,010
And these are our friends,
Gavin and Troy.
168
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,130
Good to know you, boy!
169
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:22,093
(BUZZING)
170
00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:24,734
Gets 'em every time! It's homemade.
171
00:09:24,860 --> 00:09:27,852
150 volts, cannae buy them in the shops.
172
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,060
God, it must be, what, 20 years?
173
00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:34,650
And the rest.
Still, you don't look a day over 70.
174
00:09:34,780 --> 00:09:36,339
Are you still in ladies underwear?
175
00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,737
No, no, I haven't had the market stall
for a few years now.
176
00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:43,933
I run an online joke shop now.
Never a dull moment!
177
00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:45,739
That's a matter of opinion.
178
00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:47,692
Right, same again, I assume?
179
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:51,415
Uh, before that, though,
it's been a long flight,
180
00:09:52,060 --> 00:09:55,451
so I'd better give Mr Squawk some air.
181
00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:58,857
(SQUAWKING)
182
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,611
What's that, Mr Squawk?
183
00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:05,979
You've had a long flight
and you're feeling a wee bit peckish?
184
00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:11,017
(SCREAMING)
185
00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:13,213
(LAUGHING)
186
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,813
I think you got more than
a mouthful there, Mr Squawk, eh?
187
00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:34,897
You're a naughty bird! A naughty bird!
188
00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:36,169
(LAUGHING)
189
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:39,292
Right, drinks!
You're a naughty bird, Mr Squawk.
190
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:42,692
I'll give you a hand!
191
00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:48,492
Fasten your seatbelts, boys.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
192
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:05,292
Mother, you look ridiculous
sitting back there.
193
00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:07,218
Anybody would think you couldn't walk.
194
00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:09,729
I couldn't care less what people think.
195
00:11:09,860 --> 00:11:11,498
MICK: Could've at least
blacked out the windows.
196
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:13,850
MEL: It's a mobile showroom.
197
00:11:14,180 --> 00:11:17,172
MICK: what's the point of a mobile
showroom when you haven't got a shop?
198
00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:18,620
Honestly!
199
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:21,892
This is embarrassing.
We should have rented a car.
200
00:11:22,580 --> 00:11:25,049
I've had it made, so we're using it.
201
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,132
(SIGHS) Where are we going, anyway?
202
00:11:27,260 --> 00:11:29,649
I've told you, to sign the papers
for a new business.
203
00:11:29,780 --> 00:11:31,134
Which is what?
204
00:11:31,260 --> 00:11:34,730
All right, so long as you keep it
under your sombrero till we get there.
205
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,692
I don't think there's going to be
many rival entrepreneurs
206
00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:39,334
hanging around at the traffic lights.
207
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,532
Come on, Inch High, Private Eye,
spill the beans.
208
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,170
See that there?
209
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:49,019
MICK: Yeah, the Benidorm Palace.
What about it?
210
00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:51,774
I'm buying it.
211
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,538
- You're buying that?
- Certainly am.
212
00:11:55,660 --> 00:11:57,458
Holy moley!
213
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:22,849
JANICE: Tell you what, why don't we both
come back home for a week,
214
00:12:22,980 --> 00:12:26,336
we'll weigh up the pros and cons
and we'll really make sure
215
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:28,451
staying in Spain
is the right thing for you.
216
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:31,538
How many times do you need telling?
We're staying here.
217
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:34,493
But what about your house?
You've got two cats.
218
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,577
Mary next door said she'd feed them.
219
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:38,816
She said she'd feed them for a week.
220
00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:40,977
You can get rid of cats easy.
221
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:44,411
Your father was forever down the canal
with a bag of kittens.
222
00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:47,339
Do you know, I do regret not spending
more time with your dad before he died.
223
00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:49,053
He sounds lovely.
224
00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:52,376
Can you lot all pick your feet up?
225
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:53,774
This fella ia a mayor,
not the kind of man
226
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:56,289
who likes to be kept waiting, I imagine.
227
00:12:56,420 --> 00:12:58,855
Now, according to this,
we're only a few streets away.
228
00:12:58,980 --> 00:13:03,372
Mel, what if we find a bar or a café
and just have a chat about all this?
229
00:13:03,860 --> 00:13:06,249
You're joking. It's a bloody ghost town.
230
00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:08,417
I don't think they have people here,
never mind a café.
231
00:13:08,540 --> 00:13:10,372
Well, lucky we weren't here on Friday.
232
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:13,299
They were having a re-enactment of the
battle of the Moors and the Christians.
233
00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:16,378
You wouldn't have been able
to get down these streets.
234
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,377
(DRUMS BEATING)
235
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:23,892
What day is it today?
236
00:13:56,180 --> 00:13:59,332
I sometimes wonder
if life really is worth living.
237
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:03,854
Right. I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm pretty depressed as it is.
238
00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:05,698
I'm not sure I want this conversation.
239
00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:07,777
- Oh, did I...
240
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:10,540
- say that out loud?
- Yes.
241
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:19,773
Do you know,
I've never had a girlfriend?
242
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,655
- Really?
- Yeah.
243
00:14:23,540 --> 00:14:25,178
Not a proper one.
244
00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:28,058
Richard Burton said,
245
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:32,371
"Unless you love someone,
nothing much makes sense."
246
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:35,536
I suppose he would have known.
247
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:41,458
- What happened with your missus?
- Sorry?
248
00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:44,773
She was here yesterday.
Has she gone home again?
249
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:49,019
Yeah. Just came to lend me some money
and help me get a new passport.
250
00:14:49,140 --> 00:14:51,017
She came all the way out here
to do that?
251
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,574
Yeah, she did.
252
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,773
Bloody hell,
you don't get many like that.
253
00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:57,891
No, you don't.
254
00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:07,534
Are you going to the bar?
I'll come with you.
255
00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:09,810
No. I'm going to the airport.
256
00:15:19,980 --> 00:15:21,539
(SCREAMING)
257
00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:26,095
He might have Asperger's.
Jo at work, she thinks her son's got it.
258
00:15:26,220 --> 00:15:27,335
(GROANS)
259
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,815
It's so ridiculous,
these elaborate names
260
00:15:29,940 --> 00:15:32,614
they give for so-called "illnesses"
these days.
261
00:15:32,740 --> 00:15:34,492
He is an annoying twat.
262
00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:35,940
(WINK LAUGHING)
263
00:15:36,740 --> 00:15:38,936
Jo's son is an annoying twat.
264
00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:41,733
Winker Watson,
or whatever his name is,
265
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:43,851
is a slightly larger annoying twat.
266
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:46,620
Diagnosis complete.
Who are you texting?
267
00:15:46,740 --> 00:15:48,970
Jamie. He's got some time off work.
268
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:51,819
Him and the girlfriend are thinking of
having a couple of days away somewhere.
269
00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:54,409
I'm just giving him some suggestions.
270
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:56,292
- What about...
- What?
271
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:59,216
Well, this holiday was free.
272
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:00,895
Yeah?
273
00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:02,772
No, it's a bad idea.
274
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:05,334
What, to come here?
275
00:16:05,460 --> 00:16:06,939
Well, not exactly.
276
00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:09,529
I've always wanted us to spend
a few days in Alicante.
277
00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:11,219
Can't afford it.
278
00:16:11,580 --> 00:16:14,174
No, you're right. We can't afford it.
279
00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:26,731
Hi, is Jamie there, please?
280
00:16:27,380 --> 00:16:28,529
It's...
281
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:31,699
It's his dad.
282
00:16:33,780 --> 00:16:35,578
So, are you here on your own?
283
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:39,409
Aye, my wife died in 2001.
284
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,737
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
285
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:46,378
You'd think rewiring a satellite dish
would be a straightforward job.
286
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:48,090
No.
287
00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:49,449
Oh, dear.
288
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:52,335
And the worst part about it
was all the accusations.
289
00:16:52,460 --> 00:16:53,894
What accusations?
290
00:16:54,020 --> 00:16:57,775
Oh, you know, "You forced her up there.
You never liked her.
291
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:03,490
"You must have realised she was still on
the roof when you took away the ladder.”
292
00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:07,534
So, Wink, that's an unusual name.
293
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,134
(LAUGHING)
294
00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:11,854
It's not my real name.
No, no, it's a nickname.
295
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:16,372
See, when I was a wee boy,
I had a rather unfortunate facial tic.
296
00:17:16,980 --> 00:17:18,971
People thought I was winking at them.
297
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,091
But it was only a slight spasm
round the eye,
298
00:17:21,220 --> 00:17:22,699
which disappeared when I got older.
299
00:17:22,820 --> 00:17:25,334
But for some reason, the name stuck.
300
00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:26,810
(GRUNTING)
301
00:17:26,940 --> 00:17:28,931
Oh, I see. Like that.
302
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:30,740
Like what?
303
00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:33,013
You just did it.
304
00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:34,970
Did what?
305
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:36,056
(GRUNTING)
306
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,659
You just did it again.
307
00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:39,259
Did what again?
308
00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:41,933
- Hiya, love.
- Hiya.
309
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:45,497
Here we go. This should keep us going
till this evening.
310
00:17:45,620 --> 00:17:47,770
Ah, that's the stuff, big man.
311
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:51,256
I'll get torn into one of them,
then I'd better go and check in...
312
00:17:51,380 --> 00:17:52,336
No mustard, no?
313
00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:55,418
Absolutely. I'll just get it.
Back in a tick.
314
00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:58,459
(GRUNTING)
315
00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:15,298
- Just seen your mam outside.
- Have you?
316
00:18:15,420 --> 00:18:17,377
Yeah. She said you've had an argument.
317
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:18,820
If you've come here
to have a go at me, then...
318
00:18:18,940 --> 00:18:22,331
I haven't come to have a go at you.
Chill out.
319
00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:29,971
Your mam's nice enough, but I can see
how she'd do your head in after a bit.
320
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:31,977
You can say that again.
321
00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:35,609
You probably just need a bit of space.
322
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,732
Yeah, well, she can have
all the space she likes.
323
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:41,090
I'm moving out when I get back.
324
00:18:41,380 --> 00:18:43,417
Hmm. Wish I could move out.
325
00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:46,170
No chance of me getting a place
on me own, though.
326
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:49,770
And I wouldn't want to share
with someone I didn't know.
327
00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:55,016
Who would you want to share with?
328
00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:57,336
I don't know. Not that fussed.
329
00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:00,853
Somebody I get on with,
somebody I can trust.
330
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:03,131
Somebody who likes kids.
331
00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:08,534
- What are you grinning at?
- Nothing.
332
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:13,291
I'm gonna go get a drink.
Do you want one?
333
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:14,740
Yeah, I'd love one.
334
00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:16,339
Will you keep an eye on me son?
335
00:19:16,460 --> 00:19:17,814
Definitely.
336
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:20,533
I love kids, me.
337
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:22,770
What?
338
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,455
Nothing.
339
00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:33,893
What do you reckon?
340
00:19:34,460 --> 00:19:36,497
Do you think it'd work out?
341
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:49,773
Keep moving forward.
342
00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:51,413
How are we supposed to manage that?
343
00:19:51,540 --> 00:19:53,338
Mother, where are yer?
344
00:19:53,620 --> 00:19:55,930
- MADGE: I'm over here!
- Where?
345
00:19:56,060 --> 00:19:59,371
Put your foot down, princess.
We'll soon scatter 'em.
346
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:04,291
(SCREAMING)
Will you get out of me frigging way?
347
00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:07,214
(INAUDIBLE)
348
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,580
That's it.
That's the building, at the top.
349
00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:13,293
(GRUNTING IN PAIN)
350
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:15,616
Come on, hurry up. We're late as it is.
351
00:20:15,740 --> 00:20:20,211
I can't get forward! Hang on!
Wait for me!
352
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,697
Help!
353
00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:26,333
- Are you serious?
- Why not?
354
00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:28,258
- Dunno.
- What don't you know?
355
00:20:28,380 --> 00:20:31,816
Well, if it'd work.
We hardly know each other.
356
00:20:32,340 --> 00:20:34,490
There's one way to find out.
357
00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:36,816
Well, it might be a bit weird.
358
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:38,610
Why?
359
00:20:39,220 --> 00:20:40,938
-'Cause.
-'Cause what?
360
00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:43,258
Just flatmates, yeah?
361
00:20:43,820 --> 00:20:45,049
Whatever you want.
362
00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:47,649
You'll probably change your mind
when we get back home.
363
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:49,134
I doubt it.
364
00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:53,849
I know a good thing when I see it.
365
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:56,577
Oh, there you are.
366
00:20:56,700 --> 00:20:58,452
I won't disturb you.
367
00:20:58,580 --> 00:21:01,413
I just wanted to make sure
you're all right.
368
00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:05,459
Think it's time we got some dinner,
isn't it?
369
00:21:05,580 --> 00:21:07,571
You two get something.
370
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:11,853
I don't want to get on your nerves
any more than I have done, son.
371
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:15,689
Come on, let's all go.
We can tell you about an idea we've had.
372
00:21:15,820 --> 00:21:19,893
Oh, I do hope you two have decided
to have another go.
373
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:25,094
I can't tell you how disappointed he was
when the last girl he went out with
374
00:21:25,220 --> 00:21:27,211
turned out to be a fella.
375
00:21:41,780 --> 00:21:45,136
Oh, sorry, sorry!
I'm going to squeeze by, sorry.
376
00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:48,289
Sorry. Sorry, love.
377
00:21:58,300 --> 00:22:01,611
- Who are we waiting to see?
- We're in the mayor's office.
378
00:22:01,740 --> 00:22:04,732
Who do you think we're waiting to see,
Father bloody Christmas?
379
00:22:04,860 --> 00:22:06,578
Well, I don't know.
380
00:22:07,220 --> 00:22:10,133
Is the mayor the owner
of the Benidorm Palace?
381
00:22:10,260 --> 00:22:12,649
No, I went to see them this morning.
382
00:22:12,780 --> 00:22:14,498
I have to have some papers
signed by the mayor
383
00:22:14,620 --> 00:22:16,657
to say the deal can go through.
384
00:22:16,780 --> 00:22:18,100
Oh, right.
385
00:22:19,900 --> 00:22:21,811
Well, thanks for bloody waiting for me.
386
00:22:21,940 --> 00:22:23,010
(SHUSHING)
387
00:22:26,620 --> 00:22:29,214
Sit down, will you?
Don't need you to mess this up.
388
00:22:29,340 --> 00:22:31,217
No, I'm sure you'll do that very well
on your own.
389
00:22:31,340 --> 00:22:33,934
Were you okay, Dad?
Did you have to fight the soldiers?
390
00:22:34,060 --> 00:22:36,017
- Yeah, it were right exciting.
- Whoa.
391
00:22:36,140 --> 00:22:39,258
Who have you been fighting?
You couldn't fight for breath.
392
00:22:39,380 --> 00:22:41,257
Listen, I've had just about enough
of you for one day.
393
00:22:41,380 --> 00:22:42,336
(SHUSHING)
394
00:22:42,460 --> 00:22:43,416
Sorry!
395
00:22:43,540 --> 00:22:47,135
Knew I should have come on me own.
If you balls this up for me...
396
00:22:47,260 --> 00:22:49,649
Smell Hardly?
397
00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:54,334
Mel Harvey.
398
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:58,817
Ah, yes.
The deputy mayor will see you now.
399
00:22:59,580 --> 00:23:02,174
Deputy mayor?
Thought you had to see the mayor.
400
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:03,779
Oh, they're fobbing you off already.
401
00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:05,220
Shut up.
402
00:23:05,340 --> 00:23:07,297
Right, you lot stay here.
403
00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:12,649
Where do you think you're going?
404
00:23:12,780 --> 00:23:14,737
You might need backup.
405
00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,009
Backup?
406
00:23:16,420 --> 00:23:19,219
What do you think it is,
Starsky and Hutch?
407
00:23:21,020 --> 00:23:22,658
(MICHAEL LAUGHING)
408
00:23:24,220 --> 00:23:26,052
Sí, sí, sí..
409
00:23:27,140 --> 00:23:28,733
Sí, sí.
410
00:23:29,980 --> 00:23:30,936
Right, leave this to me.
411
00:23:31,060 --> 00:23:33,813
They can be very temperamental,
them Mediterraneans.
412
00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:36,090
His English is probably very bad.
413
00:23:36,220 --> 00:23:38,336
It'll only confuse him
if more than one of us speaks.
414
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:41,498
Sí, sí, sí.. Vale.
415
00:23:42,580 --> 00:23:44,378
Adiós.
416
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:45,456
(SIGHING)
417
00:23:45,580 --> 00:23:46,729
I'm sorry about that.
418
00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:52,014
Some dickhead has dumped a 20-foot high
motorbike outside my caravan
419
00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:53,175
almost a week ago.
420
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,337
And the council
are refusing to shift it.
421
00:23:55,460 --> 00:23:58,054
Honestly, if you try and get anything
done round here,
422
00:23:58,180 --> 00:24:00,854
it's like waiting for bloody Godot.
423
00:24:04,540 --> 00:24:07,339
Right, how can I help you?
424
00:24:19,220 --> 00:24:20,290
Kate!
425
00:24:21,020 --> 00:24:22,090
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
426
00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:24,939
Sorry. Sorry, I wasn't expecting that.
427
00:24:25,060 --> 00:24:27,813
I mean,
I thought you were somebody else.
428
00:24:31,660 --> 00:24:33,492
Kate! Kate.
429
00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:38,012
- What are you doing here?
- I need to speak to you.
430
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:39,699
My plane leaves in 20 minutes.
431
00:24:39,820 --> 00:24:41,572
Please, this won't take long.
432
00:24:41,700 --> 00:24:43,816
I really have to go.
I can't miss this flight.
433
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:45,897
Please, just hear me out.
434
00:24:49,380 --> 00:24:51,530
Kate, I want us to try again.
435
00:24:51,820 --> 00:24:54,016
- Martin...
- No, let me finish.
436
00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,537
I know it won't be easy
437
00:24:56,660 --> 00:24:58,412
and I'm not suggesting
I should move back in straight away.
438
00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:01,532
I just think
if we give each other some space
439
00:25:01,660 --> 00:25:03,333
and take it one day at a time...
440
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:06,896
Martin, I'm seeing somebody.
441
00:25:08,980 --> 00:25:10,732
What, a psychiatrist?
442
00:25:11,420 --> 00:25:12,694
Beg your pardon?
443
00:25:12,820 --> 00:25:14,572
Sorry, what... What do you mean?
444
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:17,692
I mean, I'm seeing somebody else.
445
00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:22,331
- What, you mean a man?
- Yes. A man.
446
00:25:22,460 --> 00:25:23,939
You didn't think I'm into women,
did you?
447
00:25:24,060 --> 00:25:27,451
No, no, I'm... You're seeing a man?
448
00:25:27,580 --> 00:25:30,333
Yes. I tried to tell you
yesterday, but...
449
00:25:31,580 --> 00:25:34,174
Well, I didn't seem to find
the right moment.
450
00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:36,735
But I don't understand.
Why did you come all the way out here?
451
00:25:36,860 --> 00:25:38,897
Because you needed my help.
452
00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:41,134
And I still care for you.
453
00:25:41,260 --> 00:25:43,649
- You care for me?
- Of course.
454
00:25:46,140 --> 00:25:47,539
That's where it ends?
455
00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:49,458
That's where it ends.
456
00:25:53,540 --> 00:25:55,258
Wish it had been a woman.
457
00:25:55,380 --> 00:25:58,975
At least then it would have been
a bit... sexy.
458
00:26:00,660 --> 00:26:02,458
Martin, I have to go.
459
00:26:07,260 --> 00:26:09,297
- Martin?
- I love you, Kate.
460
00:26:10,940 --> 00:26:12,214
I'm sorry.
461
00:26:24,900 --> 00:26:27,653
I suppose we could always move out here.
462
00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:31,458
Be a shame for you
not to see Michael grow up.
463
00:26:31,940 --> 00:26:32,896
(BLOWS)
464
00:26:33,900 --> 00:26:35,811
I could get a little job out here.
465
00:26:35,940 --> 00:26:37,294
What could you do out here?
466
00:26:37,420 --> 00:26:38,649
I'm not sure.
467
00:26:38,780 --> 00:26:42,694
Maybe I could get a little job
working for somebody I know.
468
00:26:42,820 --> 00:26:46,529
How on earth would you do that?
You don't know anybody here.
469
00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:53,171
Well, I'm sorry about this, fellas.
I know it's here somewhere.
470
00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:54,654
I mean, you can't hear yourself think
471
00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:57,772
with all that silly bollocks going on!
472
00:26:58,020 --> 00:26:59,613
(CROWD CHANTING)
473
00:26:59,740 --> 00:27:00,775
It's a re-enactment of the battle
474
00:27:00,900 --> 00:27:02,334
between the Moors
and the Christians, isn't it?
475
00:27:02,460 --> 00:27:03,655
Oh, I haven't a clue.
476
00:27:03,780 --> 00:27:06,659
They have festivals for looking left
and looking right here.
477
00:27:06,780 --> 00:27:08,293
It's my brother-in-law who's the mayor.
478
00:27:08,420 --> 00:27:11,173
I'm just filling in while he's out there
with them silly buggers,
479
00:27:11,300 --> 00:27:14,372
knocking seven bells of shite
out of each other.
480
00:27:15,060 --> 00:27:18,371
Now, let's have a look at this.
Yes! Now, this is the one.
481
00:27:19,460 --> 00:27:23,852
Now, if I sign this,
I need you to do a favour for me.
482
00:27:24,020 --> 00:27:27,172
No problem. My father used to hold
a position in local government.
483
00:27:27,300 --> 00:27:29,337
I know how things work. Name me a price.
484
00:27:29,460 --> 00:27:31,576
Oh, put your money away,
you silly bugger.
485
00:27:31,700 --> 00:27:36,058
I need you to help me get rid of this
bloody bike from outside my house.
486
00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:37,854
Oh, right.
487
00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:42,335
Now, you won't believe this but
they drove up on this ridiculous bike
488
00:27:42,460 --> 00:27:46,613
outside my caravan. Jumped off it,
went straight through the roof.
489
00:27:48,620 --> 00:27:50,531
- Get away.
- I'm serious.
490
00:27:50,660 --> 00:27:53,618
Then they busted the lock
on me front door to get out.
491
00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:58,132
It's gonna cost me about,
oh, 800 euros to get everything fixed.
492
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:01,217
What are people like these days?
493
00:28:01,340 --> 00:28:02,774
Probably kids.
494
00:28:03,220 --> 00:28:06,656
No, I don't think it's kids.
There was a sign on the bike.
495
00:28:06,780 --> 00:28:08,293
Probably just random advertising.
496
00:28:08,420 --> 00:28:10,297
I doubt it had anything to do
with the owners of the bike.
497
00:28:10,420 --> 00:28:14,618
Oh, it was from one of those
mobility scooter shops on the beach.
498
00:28:14,740 --> 00:28:17,129
There was a picture of
a little gnome on it.
499
00:28:17,260 --> 00:28:18,216
A gnome?
500
00:28:18,340 --> 00:28:19,660
(SNICKERING)
501
00:28:20,260 --> 00:28:22,490
I mean, uh... A gnome? Oh.
502
00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:24,616
That's unusual
503
00:28:24,740 --> 00:28:27,573
I went down to the shop.
It was all burnt out.
504
00:28:27,700 --> 00:28:32,137
Honestly, the number of clowns who come
over here trying to set up businesses,
505
00:28:32,260 --> 00:28:35,093
they don't know their arse
from their elbow.
506
00:28:36,860 --> 00:28:38,294
There we are.
507
00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:40,618
Now, that's for you.
508
00:28:41,700 --> 00:28:42,929
Let's go.
509
00:28:44,620 --> 00:28:46,099
(HORN HONKING)
510
00:28:50,620 --> 00:28:51,610
(CONTINUES HONKING)
511
00:28:51,740 --> 00:28:53,572
(CROWD CHEERING)
512
00:28:55,940 --> 00:28:57,658
MICK: Careful, you nearly
knocked that one over.
513
00:28:57,780 --> 00:29:00,249
MEL: Shut up. I know what I'm doing.
514
00:29:04,460 --> 00:29:05,780
(CHANTING)
515
00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:36,329
Hmm, that's a big bugger, ain't it?
516
00:29:37,540 --> 00:29:39,178
We might have to come back
later in the week
517
00:29:39,300 --> 00:29:40,529
with a tow rope, if that's all right?
518
00:29:40,660 --> 00:29:42,458
Oh, yeah. No problem.
519
00:29:42,980 --> 00:29:44,414
You know where I am now.
520
00:29:44,540 --> 00:29:46,531
All right, see you later.
521
00:29:47,980 --> 00:29:50,699
- And don't forget.
- We won't.
522
00:29:51,660 --> 00:29:53,059
All the best.
523
00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:57,411
(MICK CHATTERING)
524
00:30:13,060 --> 00:30:14,698
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
525
00:30:23,900 --> 00:30:26,176
(WHEN, WHEN, WHEN PLAYING)
526
00:30:27,100 --> 00:30:30,491
527
00:30:32,700 --> 00:30:36,330
528
00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:39,655
I wouldn't have been able
to sleep tonight
529
00:30:39,780 --> 00:30:42,932
if I'd left you moping around
on your own.
530
00:30:43,060 --> 00:30:44,778
I'm really okay.
531
00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:47,096
I told her to leave you alone
but she were having none of it.
532
00:30:47,220 --> 00:30:52,249
My husband always said,
a trouble halved is a problem shelved.
533
00:30:53,220 --> 00:30:56,656
I mean, a trouble shelved
is a problem halved.
534
00:30:57,540 --> 00:30:59,338
No, that's not right.
535
00:31:00,060 --> 00:31:03,257
Well, anyway, he also said
536
00:31:03,380 --> 00:31:08,090
a bird with one hand
is worth two in your bush.
537
00:31:09,140 --> 00:31:14,089
And I think it's at times like this,
it's worth keeping that in mind.
538
00:31:15,980 --> 00:31:19,291
539
00:31:19,420 --> 00:31:22,572
So, is there any chance you might
sort it out when you get back home?
540
00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:24,850
No, I think it's pretty much
beyond that.
541
00:31:24,980 --> 00:31:28,416
Well, you say that, but you never know.
542
00:31:28,820 --> 00:31:32,051
I mean, look at Charles and Diana.
543
00:31:36,980 --> 00:31:38,334
Have you got him settled?
544
00:31:38,460 --> 00:31:39,609
Yeah, he was off before we got there.
545
00:31:39,740 --> 00:31:42,493
Aw, you're gonna miss that créche,
aren't you?
546
00:31:42,620 --> 00:31:45,976
Well, don't worry. Baby Coolio's always
got his grandma to look after him.
547
00:31:46,100 --> 00:31:47,215
Yeah.
548
00:31:48,060 --> 00:31:52,019
Um, I wanted to talk to you
about something.
549
00:31:54,580 --> 00:31:56,651
I'm thinking of moving out.
550
00:31:57,900 --> 00:31:59,334
You what?
551
00:31:59,460 --> 00:32:00,859
Where are you going?
552
00:32:00,980 --> 00:32:02,175
I'm just thinking about it.
553
00:32:02,300 --> 00:32:05,577
That's right, bugger off and leave
your mother, right when she needs you.
554
00:32:05,700 --> 00:32:06,735
You're one to talk.
555
00:32:06,860 --> 00:32:08,578
When did all this
come about, sweetheart?
556
00:32:08,700 --> 00:32:13,376
Oh, no. I know what she's up to.
She wants to come here and live with us.
557
00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:15,810
- As if!
- Well, you can frig off.
558
00:32:15,940 --> 00:32:19,729
Two's company, three's a crowd,
not to mention that child of yours.
559
00:32:19,860 --> 00:32:22,454
I can probably sort you out
with a little flat somewhere, darling.
560
00:32:22,580 --> 00:32:24,218
Where do you want to go?
561
00:32:24,340 --> 00:32:26,092
Mam, are you all right?
562
00:32:26,220 --> 00:32:28,097
Bloody hell, Janice, what's wrong?
563
00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:31,019
Why is everybody leaving me?
What have I done to you all?
564
00:32:31,140 --> 00:32:34,178
Hey, nobody's leaving you.
Don't be daft.
565
00:32:34,300 --> 00:32:35,415
I want you to be happy, mother,
566
00:32:35,540 --> 00:32:38,293
but it's just ridiculous,
you not coming home again.
567
00:32:38,420 --> 00:32:41,776
What about all the things in your house?
You haven't thought it through.
568
00:32:41,900 --> 00:32:44,938
I've told you, you can take
what you want from the house.
569
00:32:45,060 --> 00:32:47,415
The Council will dump the rest
when they get the house back.
570
00:32:47,540 --> 00:32:51,010
I don't want anything from your house.
I just want you.
571
00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:53,013
Christ knows why.
572
00:32:53,140 --> 00:32:56,929
Don't ask me to explain it
but I just don't want you to go.
573
00:32:57,260 --> 00:32:59,331
Well, it's not my fault
you've got no friends.
574
00:32:59,460 --> 00:33:01,212
All right, that's enough.
575
00:33:01,340 --> 00:33:02,774
Come on, Jan,
we'll go for a drink in the other bar.
576
00:33:02,900 --> 00:33:04,732
I don't want to go for a drink
in the other bar.
577
00:33:04,860 --> 00:33:05,816
I'll be all right.
578
00:33:05,940 --> 00:33:09,695
I'm not going right away.
I was just thinking about it.
579
00:33:10,100 --> 00:33:13,650
You should do what you want, sweetheart.
You're a grown woman now.
580
00:33:13,780 --> 00:33:15,134
I sometimes forget.
581
00:33:15,260 --> 00:33:16,739
I didn't mean to upset you.
582
00:33:16,860 --> 00:33:19,056
You didn't upset me, darling.
583
00:33:19,740 --> 00:33:21,890
You've got your own life now.
584
00:33:22,500 --> 00:33:23,649
I was just being selfish.
585
00:33:23,780 --> 00:33:25,498
Oh, the penny drops.
586
00:33:25,620 --> 00:33:26,769
Madge!
587
00:33:28,860 --> 00:33:31,534
You know I'll help you
any way I can, sweetheart.
588
00:33:31,660 --> 00:33:36,211
But believe me, there's nobody can
look after a daughter like a mother can.
589
00:33:36,700 --> 00:33:38,691
(SCOFFS) Is that right?
590
00:33:45,180 --> 00:33:46,818
Back in a minute.
591
00:33:48,980 --> 00:33:51,449
- Can I have a word?
- Yeah, sure.
592
00:33:55,500 --> 00:33:56,979
What was it all about?
593
00:33:57,100 --> 00:33:58,249
I don't know. I couldn't hear.
594
00:33:58,380 --> 00:34:00,257
Well, you're closer than me.
595
00:34:00,380 --> 00:34:02,371
I know, but it's difficult to eavesdrop
on a conversation
596
00:34:02,500 --> 00:34:04,810
when the person next to you
keeps saying, "What are they saying?
597
00:34:04,940 --> 00:34:07,500
"What are they saying?
What are they saying?"
598
00:34:07,620 --> 00:34:09,896
- How are you, boys?
- How are you? You all right?
599
00:34:10,020 --> 00:34:13,012
Never better.
You ready for a fun-filled evening?
600
00:34:13,140 --> 00:34:15,609
It's gonna be a hilarious night tonight,
I can tell you that.
601
00:34:15,740 --> 00:34:17,253
Oh, really? why's that?
Are you leaving?
602
00:34:17,380 --> 00:34:18,779
- Eh?
- Nothing.
603
00:34:19,020 --> 00:34:20,454
Oh, I think someone's waving at you.
604
00:34:20,580 --> 00:34:22,935
Ah! Come over and join us later.
605
00:34:23,060 --> 00:34:24,573
I'd rather die!
606
00:34:25,300 --> 00:34:26,529
T-T-F-N!
607
00:34:26,660 --> 00:34:28,014
F-U-C-K-U!
608
00:34:32,060 --> 00:34:34,495
Hey! I've been looking
everywhere for you.
609
00:34:34,620 --> 00:34:38,170
Oh, I'm awfully flattered,
but you're not really my type.
610
00:34:40,780 --> 00:34:42,737
I have many complaints about you.
611
00:34:42,860 --> 00:34:45,534
About me? You must have the wrong chap.
612
00:34:45,660 --> 00:34:47,810
- Can you understand him?
- I can.
613
00:34:47,940 --> 00:34:49,977
Tell him I have complaints
about the man in the dress
614
00:34:50,100 --> 00:34:51,534
who keeps showing his pee-pee
to other guests.
615
00:34:51,660 --> 00:34:54,095
I beg your pardon? How dare you?
616
00:34:54,220 --> 00:34:57,372
You know, that kind of accusation
can land you in a lot of trouble.
617
00:34:57,500 --> 00:34:58,456
No, he's quite right.
618
00:34:58,580 --> 00:35:00,935
There you are, you see?
You've got the wrong...
619
00:35:01,060 --> 00:35:02,175
I beg your pardon?
620
00:35:02,300 --> 00:35:04,177
It's only a bit of fun.
621
00:35:04,300 --> 00:35:05,699
Right, um...
622
00:35:06,660 --> 00:35:10,335
I think maybe you should be careful,
Wink, my old pal.
623
00:35:10,460 --> 00:35:12,974
As you know, Jacqueline and I
are very broad-minded.
624
00:35:13,100 --> 00:35:16,775
But these Latin types are not
as free and easy as you might think.
625
00:35:16,900 --> 00:35:20,780
They can get quite hot under the collar
about this kind of thing.
626
00:35:20,900 --> 00:35:23,335
Is, uh, this the offending article?
627
00:35:23,780 --> 00:35:24,770
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
628
00:35:24,900 --> 00:35:26,857
Put it away! Put it away!
629
00:35:28,340 --> 00:35:29,569
Did you see that?
630
00:35:29,700 --> 00:35:32,931
Very funny. But one more complaint,
and I'll have to remove you.
631
00:35:33,060 --> 00:35:35,131
Oh, it's very easily removed.
632
00:35:35,260 --> 00:35:36,614
(EXCLAIMING)
633
00:35:37,420 --> 00:35:38,535
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
634
00:35:40,220 --> 00:35:41,494
I have my eye on you.
635
00:35:41,620 --> 00:35:44,897
Oh, come on! It's only a joke, pal, eh?
636
00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:47,495
No hard feelings, eh? Please.
637
00:35:48,060 --> 00:35:49,414
Oh, come on.
638
00:35:52,700 --> 00:35:54,373
(BUZZING)
639
00:35:55,740 --> 00:35:56,969
(MATEO SHOUTS)
640
00:35:58,140 --> 00:36:00,973
I can't remember when I had so much fun.
641
00:36:01,780 --> 00:36:03,214
Right, drinks!
642
00:36:03,580 --> 00:36:05,093
(GRUNTING)
643
00:36:07,580 --> 00:36:09,776
Jacqueline, is something wrong?
644
00:36:09,900 --> 00:36:11,618
- It's him.
- Who, Wink?
645
00:36:11,740 --> 00:36:13,458
- Yeah.
- What about him?
646
00:36:13,580 --> 00:36:15,253
He's been giving me the willies.
647
00:36:15,380 --> 00:36:18,577
Oh, you kept that quiet. Where was I?
648
00:36:18,940 --> 00:36:22,456
No, I mean, he frightens me.
649
00:36:22,580 --> 00:36:24,093
Why on earth would he do that?
650
00:36:24,220 --> 00:36:27,656
Oh, I don't know.
It's just something about him.
651
00:36:28,340 --> 00:36:30,411
Did you know about his wife?
652
00:36:30,540 --> 00:36:32,770
Carol? Yes, of course.
653
00:36:33,300 --> 00:36:35,655
There's nothing sinister
about her death.
654
00:36:35,780 --> 00:36:38,056
It was proven in court,
there's no way he could have known
655
00:36:38,180 --> 00:36:40,251
that those mushrooms were poisonous.
656
00:36:40,380 --> 00:36:43,611
This was the '70s.
People didn't know about these things.
657
00:36:43,740 --> 00:36:47,051
But he said his wife died in 2001
658
00:36:47,180 --> 00:36:51,253
from falling off the roof
after he'd moved the ladders.
659
00:36:51,820 --> 00:36:54,096
Oh, it must be a different wife.
660
00:36:57,780 --> 00:36:59,418
There you go, big man.
661
00:36:59,540 --> 00:37:03,977
Same again, with an added wee kick
from your old pal Wink.
662
00:37:04,780 --> 00:37:06,453
Don't be asking me what it is, though.
663
00:37:06,580 --> 00:37:09,652
I could tell you
but then I'd have to kill you.
664
00:37:10,700 --> 00:37:12,020
(WINK LAUGHING)
665
00:37:21,620 --> 00:37:22,974
I'm not backing out.
666
00:37:23,100 --> 00:37:24,534
I just think I'd better wait a bit
667
00:37:24,660 --> 00:37:26,856
while me nana and her husband
settle over here.
668
00:37:26,980 --> 00:37:28,812
Well, I'm in no rush.
669
00:37:28,940 --> 00:37:31,375
It's probably better to give me mam
a bit more notice, as well.
670
00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:32,695
Hmm.
671
00:37:33,540 --> 00:37:34,655
So...
672
00:37:35,700 --> 00:37:40,331
Maybe, I don't know, a couple of months?
Maybe three?
673
00:37:40,820 --> 00:37:43,255
Three months, six months, whatever.
674
00:37:44,140 --> 00:37:46,051
Some good things are worth waiting for.
675
00:37:46,180 --> 00:37:48,535
What do you mean, sharing a flat?
676
00:37:49,420 --> 00:37:50,740
I mean you.
677
00:38:06,820 --> 00:38:08,538
I'd better get back.
678
00:38:09,620 --> 00:38:10,974
You coming?
679
00:38:11,500 --> 00:38:13,537
I'll be there in a minute.
680
00:38:14,220 --> 00:38:16,416
Okay. You all right?
681
00:38:16,540 --> 00:38:18,053
Yeah, I'm fine.
682
00:38:18,580 --> 00:38:20,730
All right. See you later.
683
00:38:20,860 --> 00:38:22,692
Yep. See you in a bit.
684
00:38:43,740 --> 00:38:47,290
Let's give him a big hand,
ladies and gentlemen.
685
00:38:47,420 --> 00:38:50,617
The boy from nowhere,
Shaun Foster-Conley.
686
00:38:55,220 --> 00:38:57,336
Okay, cracking straight on
with the karaoke,
687
00:38:57,460 --> 00:39:00,896
first cab off the rank
is Wank McAndrews.
688
00:39:01,260 --> 00:39:03,376
That can't be right
Terrible handwriting.
689
00:39:03,500 --> 00:39:07,334
Singing The Proclaimers,
I Would Walk 500 Miles,
690
00:39:07,460 --> 00:39:09,098
let's hear it for him.
691
00:39:15,420 --> 00:39:16,774
(LAUGHING)
692
00:39:18,780 --> 00:39:19,850
Who's this knobhead?
693
00:39:19,980 --> 00:39:22,051
That's the bloke
I complained about earlier,
694
00:39:22,180 --> 00:39:24,615
waving his bits around in reception.
695
00:39:24,740 --> 00:39:26,856
Thought it looked too big to be real.
696
00:39:26,980 --> 00:39:28,653
Looks about average.
697
00:39:28,780 --> 00:39:31,056
(I'M GONNA BE (500 MILES) PLAYING)
698
00:39:32,260 --> 00:39:33,375
699
00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:34,820
(SCREAMING)
700
00:39:46,660 --> 00:39:49,891
Cut the music! Cut the music!
Mateo, get up here!
701
00:39:50,140 --> 00:39:51,096
(JANEY GASPING)
702
00:39:51,220 --> 00:39:52,654
Cover him up.
703
00:39:55,860 --> 00:39:57,578
Hey, hey, crazy man.
704
00:40:00,100 --> 00:40:01,738
He's dead.
705
00:40:02,220 --> 00:40:03,858
- He's dead.
- Dead?
706
00:40:04,300 --> 00:40:07,691
He can't be dead.
He only touched the mike stand.
707
00:40:09,260 --> 00:40:11,695
Maybe he isn't dead,
but he definitely is not allve.
708
00:40:11,820 --> 00:40:14,096
It's probably for the best.
709
00:40:17,620 --> 00:40:19,099
Get him out of here.
710
00:40:24,940 --> 00:40:29,537
Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
Slight technical hitch there.
711
00:40:29,660 --> 00:40:32,652
He's, uh... He's perfectly all right.
712
00:40:32,780 --> 00:40:36,569
Just a minor problem,
static electricity,
713
00:40:36,700 --> 00:40:40,898
his nylon penis
brushed against the mike stand,
714
00:40:41,020 --> 00:40:43,409
and gave him a bit of a belt.
715
00:40:43,780 --> 00:40:45,259
(JANEY STAMMERING)
716
00:40:45,380 --> 00:40:46,814
Right, um... What's up...
717
00:40:46,940 --> 00:40:51,332
Oh, yes, we have our old friends,
Madge and Mel Harvey.
718
00:40:51,460 --> 00:40:53,531
Let's give them a big hand.
719
00:41:04,340 --> 00:41:08,413
Uh, just before we sing, there's
a small announcement I'd like to make.
720
00:41:08,540 --> 00:41:13,057
I want to thank all who attended
the opening of Mel's Mobility Shop.
721
00:41:13,700 --> 00:41:16,169
It was a memorable occasion.
I'm sure you'll all agree.
722
00:41:16,300 --> 00:41:18,416
But I'm a great believer in signs
723
00:41:18,540 --> 00:41:21,054
and I think that place
burning to the ground was a sign
724
00:41:21,180 --> 00:41:23,899
that the mobility business
wasn't for me.
725
00:41:24,180 --> 00:41:27,616
But I'm pleased to announce
my latest business venture.
726
00:41:28,180 --> 00:41:30,569
Every princess deserves a palace
727
00:41:31,540 --> 00:41:34,259
and that's why I bought Madge
her very own.
728
00:41:34,380 --> 00:41:35,973
The Benidorm Palace.
729
00:41:36,100 --> 00:41:37,215
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
730
00:41:37,340 --> 00:41:38,410
Yes, that's right, folks.
731
00:41:38,540 --> 00:41:39,894
Madge and I are the new proprietors of
732
00:41:40,020 --> 00:41:43,297
the number-one entertainment venue
on the Costa Blanca,
733
00:41:43,420 --> 00:41:45,331
some would say the whole of Europe.
734
00:41:45,460 --> 00:41:48,100
By the time we're finished with it,
probably the world.
735
00:41:48,220 --> 00:41:50,894
It'll take me a few weeks to lick
the dancing girls into shape
736
00:41:51,020 --> 00:41:53,489
and grab a few tits on... Er...
737
00:41:55,060 --> 00:41:56,892
Tips on being in show business.
738
00:41:57,020 --> 00:41:59,489
I'm sorry, that didn't exactly
come out as I meant it.
739
00:41:59,700 --> 00:42:05,696
But for now we'd like to sing this song
for Mick, Janice, Michael and Telle.
740
00:42:05,820 --> 00:42:07,652
(SPANISH EYES PLAYING)
741
00:42:14,940 --> 00:42:22,620
742
00:42:23,700 --> 00:42:31,778
from your Spanish eyes
743
00:42:32,460 --> 00:42:40,015
744
00:42:41,540 --> 00:42:49,573
745
00:42:50,300 --> 00:42:58,333
746
00:42:59,060 --> 00:43:06,615
your heart can hold
747
00:43:06,820 --> 00:43:08,174
(INAUDIBLE)
748
00:43:08,500 --> 00:43:15,850
749
00:43:17,180 --> 00:43:25,418
will wait for me
750
00:43:31,220 --> 00:43:38,729
751
00:43:40,220 --> 00:43:48,776
752
00:43:48,900 --> 00:43:56,614
753
00:43:58,100 --> 00:44:06,770
before I go
754
00:44:07,220 --> 00:44:15,298
755
00:44:15,940 --> 00:44:24,690
your heart can hold
756
00:44:25,260 --> 00:44:33,293
757
00:44:33,940 --> 00:44:41,859
will wait for me
758
00:44:43,100 --> 00:44:51,531
will wait for me
759
00:44:53,060 --> 00:44:54,380
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)