1 00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:42,534 There you are. Nice cup of tea. 2 00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:44,492 JANICE: Ooh, lovely! 3 00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:46,620 (SNIFFS) 4 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:47,810 (GROANS IN DISGUST) 5 00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:49,613 What have you put in that? 6 00:00:49,740 --> 00:00:51,617 A tot of brandy. Steady your nerves. 7 00:00:51,740 --> 00:00:54,095 There's nowt wrong with me nerves, I just haven't slept. 8 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:57,929 Well, don't you worry. The claim has been put in. 9 00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:01,059 - What claim? - Claim for all the stuff we had nicked. 10 00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:02,853 We didn't have anything nicked. 11 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:03,970 (SIGHS) 12 00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,693 You've had a blackout, haven't you? 13 00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:09,131 A lot of victims of crime have that. It's all part of being in shock. 14 00:01:09,260 --> 00:01:12,252 When you see the list I've made out of all the things we had stolen, 15 00:01:12,380 --> 00:01:14,018 it'll all come flooding back to you. 16 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:15,255 What list? 17 00:01:15,380 --> 00:01:18,213 How have you made a list when we've had nothing taken? 18 00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:20,013 People can't pinch what we haven't got. 19 00:01:20,140 --> 00:01:22,097 Shut up, shut up, shut up. 20 00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:24,416 - Are you Mick Garvey? - I am he. 21 00:01:24,540 --> 00:01:26,770 I have your insurance claim form here. 22 00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:29,460 Oh, yeah? Is there a problem? 23 00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:31,332 No. No problem at all. 24 00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:32,894 I just thought I'd let you know 25 00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:36,695 that we're entering it for the 2009 Booker Prize for Fiction. 26 00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:40,017 What are you talking about? I'm a victim of crime! 27 00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:43,455 "Please state items you wish to claim for." 28 00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:44,809 Two cameras. 29 00:01:44,940 --> 00:01:47,409 Two watches. One gold, one silver. 30 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:51,215 Three iPods, two mobile phones and a laptop computer. 31 00:01:51,340 --> 00:01:53,092 Oh, my God. 32 00:01:53,220 --> 00:01:55,496 Did you forget to put down a speedboat, 33 00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:57,531 your set of darts and your bendy Bullies? 34 00:01:57,660 --> 00:02:00,129 Look, you might go on holiday with a spare pair of knickers 35 00:02:00,260 --> 00:02:01,330 and a packet of johnnies, 36 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:04,134 but some of us do have actual possessions to take with us. 37 00:02:04,260 --> 00:02:05,853 Give us it here. 38 00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:11,292 What you doing? 39 00:02:12,940 --> 00:02:14,260 Thank you. 40 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:16,580 What did you do that for? 41 00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:20,534 If your brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your hat off. 42 00:02:23,740 --> 00:02:25,811 Oh, you poor thing. 43 00:02:25,940 --> 00:02:28,250 I hope you gave him a thump back. 44 00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:30,815 Well, it all happened so quickly, I didn't really have time to think. 45 00:02:30,940 --> 00:02:33,659 And is that when they tied you to the hot water pipe? 46 00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:35,896 - Yeah. - That's how they found that 47 00:02:36,020 --> 00:02:38,011 Terry Wogan, wasn't it? 48 00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:43,055 Kidnapped and chained to a radiator for five years. 49 00:02:44,940 --> 00:02:47,056 Terry Waite! 50 00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:49,337 Is that what they said to him? 51 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,531 (EXCLAIMS) Sarcastic buggers! 52 00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:54,334 It's not like he was gonna go anywhere. 53 00:02:54,460 --> 00:02:57,612 I can't believe one of them was that girl who was with Martin. 54 00:02:57,740 --> 00:02:59,697 You don't think he had anything to do with it, do you? 55 00:02:59,820 --> 00:03:01,891 - No. - Did you not see him last night? 56 00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:05,012 She cleaned him out, apparently. Took his money, passport, the lot. 57 00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:07,017 But she had an accomplice. 58 00:03:07,140 --> 00:03:09,336 The one who roughed you up, wasn't it? 59 00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:12,100 Did you give the police a good description of him? 60 00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:15,850 Yeah. Bloke in his 50s, lived-in face, 61 00:03:16,020 --> 00:03:19,251 long, shaggy, sort of '70s hair, Hawaiian shirt. 62 00:03:19,380 --> 00:03:21,974 How bizarre! That sounds just like the chap 63 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,977 who took our mobile phones to fix them. 64 00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:27,536 Oh, yeah. We should keep an eye out for him today. 65 00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:32,010 (JACQUELINE EXCLAIMS) 66 00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:34,450 Oh, dear. 67 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,936 I suddenly feel very stupid. 68 00:03:38,060 --> 00:03:39,414 Suddenly? 69 00:03:50,380 --> 00:03:51,859 Have you got them both sorted? 70 00:03:51,980 --> 00:03:53,618 Yeah. Coolio's in the crèche, 71 00:03:53,740 --> 00:03:56,493 and Michael's in Dickie Doughnut's Kids Club. 72 00:03:56,620 --> 00:03:58,099 Who's Dickie Doughnut? 73 00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:00,131 Supposed to be a bloke dressed as a doughnut, 74 00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:03,378 - but he hasn't turned up today. - Can't imagine why. 75 00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:11,054 Bloody hell! 76 00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:14,738 Where have you two been? We've been worried. 77 00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:16,610 (LAUGHING) Hey, have a look. 78 00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:18,538 It's Doris and Dickie Doughnut. 79 00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:20,139 You do realise you're both late for work. 80 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,819 Where have you been? 81 00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:25,570 Madge was upset after the break-in, so I took her for a bit of a makeover. 82 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,930 (SNICKERING) Who did it? Coco the clown? 83 00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:29,289 What have you done to your hair? 84 00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:31,730 Come on, Madge. Let's get the rest of the stuff upstairs. 85 00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:34,215 - They're only jealous. - You look like Bo Derek. 86 00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:35,614 (MICK SNICKERING) 87 00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,413 'Kin 'ell! Bo Derek? 88 00:04:37,540 --> 00:04:39,178 More like Bo Diddley. 89 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,052 (MICK SNICKERING) 90 00:04:41,340 --> 00:04:42,853 MEL: Come on. 91 00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:52,092 I can't believe you tackled them on your own. 92 00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:54,536 Why didn't you tell the police? 93 00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:57,573 Well, look at it from my point of view. 94 00:04:57,700 --> 00:05:01,853 Yes, I risked me life tackling a gang of vicious armed robbers. 95 00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:04,610 But do I really want the hassle of being a local hero? 96 00:05:04,740 --> 00:05:08,131 A gang? I thought they said there was one bloke 97 00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:10,979 and that lass who was on holiday here. 98 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,853 No. There was three more. 99 00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:17,938 One of them was about 5' 8", dead quick. 100 00:05:18,060 --> 00:05:20,415 Looked like he had ninja training, you know. 101 00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:23,532 He was doing all that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon shit. 102 00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:25,298 You know, spinning through the air and that. 103 00:05:25,420 --> 00:05:26,933 Oh, heck! 104 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,449 Well, I managed to take him out 105 00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:32,857 but then one of the others, massive fella, 106 00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:36,655 looked a bit like that WWF wrestler, "The Undertaker". 107 00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:39,097 He took me from behind. 108 00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:41,939 So I elbowed him in the stomach, he went down. 109 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:43,534 But then, there was this other one. 110 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:45,571 He looks a bit like that bloke from the Karate Kid. 111 00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,976 What was his name? Mr Miyagi. 112 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:51,616 He's got me in headlock and started to strangle me. 113 00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:53,418 What did you do? 114 00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:55,133 What could I do? 115 00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:57,900 As I felt my life ebbing away, 116 00:05:58,020 --> 00:06:01,251 I managed to raise a hand and grab the side of his neck. 117 00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:04,611 A Vulcan death grip. He didn't stand a chance. 118 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:08,290 Oh, son, why didn't you tell me? 119 00:06:08,420 --> 00:06:10,013 Shit happens, doesn't it? 120 00:06:10,140 --> 00:06:14,213 I must say, you seem to have come out of it pretty unscathed. 121 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:17,696 Yeah, well, most of it's internal bruising, you know. 122 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:20,890 Just hurts a bit when I move. 123 00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:22,215 (GEOFF GROANING) 124 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:25,173 Oh, son, you are brave. 125 00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:28,258 Can I get you anything for the pain? 126 00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:29,939 No, I don't want to make a fuss. 127 00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:31,459 All right. 128 00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:37,611 Mind you, I wouldn't mind another lager. 129 00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:40,493 Oh, yes, I'll get it now. 130 00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:44,094 Anything else? 131 00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:47,053 And a packet of salt and vinegar crisps? 132 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,538 And maybe a paper. 133 00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:53,418 You stay there, son. 134 00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:57,090 I'm going to make sure you don't lift a finger 135 00:06:57,220 --> 00:06:59,655 for the rest of this holiday. 136 00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:01,214 (CHUCKLES) 137 00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:08,778 I can't believe you can't just loan me some money 138 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:11,779 so I can at least get to Alicante and get another passport issued. 139 00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:13,299 I've had everything taken. 140 00:07:13,420 --> 00:07:15,172 We haven't got any money to lend you. 141 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,940 You should think yourself lucky you're not getting lynched. 142 00:07:18,060 --> 00:07:19,778 It was your girlfriend that robbed everyone. 143 00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:22,369 She wasn't my girlfriend. She was just a friend. 144 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,252 Some bloody friend. 145 00:07:24,780 --> 00:07:25,929 (SIGHS) 146 00:07:30,260 --> 00:07:33,412 Oh, my God, Kate! You came. 147 00:07:46,740 --> 00:07:48,492 I'm sorry I called you. 148 00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:51,055 Can't really remember what I said, I was rather drunk. 149 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,490 You made absolutely no sense whatsoever. 150 00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:55,850 We got cut off and I didn't have a number to call you back on. 151 00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:58,176 You said you were in Benidorm and... 152 00:07:58,300 --> 00:07:59,734 Well, I put two and two together. 153 00:07:59,860 --> 00:08:01,771 But I can't believe you flew out here this morning. 154 00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:04,130 Martin, what was I supposed to do? You said you had no money. 155 00:08:04,260 --> 00:08:06,615 No passport, no mobile phone, nothing. 156 00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:09,254 I telephoned this place thinking you might have been idiotic enough 157 00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:10,450 to come back here, but of course, 158 00:08:10,580 --> 00:08:13,220 the staff are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. 159 00:08:13,340 --> 00:08:15,775 You came all this way to help me. 160 00:08:17,020 --> 00:08:19,136 I've had absolutely no sleep. 161 00:08:19,260 --> 00:08:20,739 How have you been? 162 00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:22,214 Martin. 163 00:08:24,820 --> 00:08:26,094 We need to get you a passport. 164 00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:29,690 My God! I don't know how you dare show your face around here. 165 00:08:29,820 --> 00:08:30,969 I beg your pardon? 166 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:32,818 You know what he means. 167 00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:36,251 After your mucky bit of scouse rough robbed us all blind. 168 00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:38,337 I wouldn't be surprised if you're part of the scam. 169 00:08:38,460 --> 00:08:41,452 I'm as much a victim of all this as you are. Probably more so. 170 00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:43,332 I've got you sussed. 171 00:08:43,660 --> 00:08:45,458 You hang around here for another day 172 00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:48,094 to make it look as if you had nowt to do with it. 173 00:08:48,220 --> 00:08:50,291 But come tomorrow, you'll be on a yacht 174 00:08:50,420 --> 00:08:53,299 in the middle of the Med divvying up the spoils. 175 00:08:53,420 --> 00:08:56,299 (SNICKERS) I hardly think there'll be much to divvy up 176 00:08:56,420 --> 00:08:57,774 stealing from these people. 177 00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:00,540 You keep your nose out. And another thing... 178 00:09:04,780 --> 00:09:08,011 Well, well, well. Look who it is! 179 00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:10,017 - I beg your pardon? - Come on, Kate. Let's go. 180 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:13,337 He gets rid of one old slapper and you come crawling back 181 00:09:13,460 --> 00:09:15,212 while the sheets are still warm. 182 00:09:15,340 --> 00:09:18,731 - Oh, forget it, Madge. Let's go get... - Wait a minute. 183 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:22,457 Now listen to me, old woman. 184 00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:25,891 Apart from the fact that I fail to see what any of this has to do with you, 185 00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:29,331 you obviously still think you can motorise yourself 186 00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:32,134 around this fly-blown cesspit, 187 00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:36,572 spitting venom like some kind of vicious fire-damaged paraplegic. 188 00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:39,093 Well, let me assure you, 189 00:09:39,220 --> 00:09:41,257 if you come anywhere near me 190 00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:44,099 for the duration of my mercifully short trip here, 191 00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:45,415 so help me God, 192 00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:49,329 I will drag you off that council go-kart, rip off your head 193 00:09:49,460 --> 00:09:51,417 and piss in your pipes. 194 00:09:54,020 --> 00:09:55,897 Do I make myself clear? 195 00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,737 I'll take that as a "yes". 196 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:00,695 Martin? 197 00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:12,410 The thing is, he doesn't want any publicity. 198 00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:15,214 That's why he hasn't come forward. 199 00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:17,650 - So there were actually five of them. - Yes. 200 00:10:17,780 --> 00:10:21,057 The two you know about, and three more. 201 00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:24,696 One of them, dressed like a ninja, 202 00:10:24,820 --> 00:10:27,255 who kept twizzling round 203 00:10:27,380 --> 00:10:31,055 like in that film, Dungeons and Dragons. 204 00:10:31,180 --> 00:10:36,209 Another, really tall one, called "The Shirtlifter", 205 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:40,490 who took him from behind. 206 00:10:40,620 --> 00:10:45,490 And the last one, who nearly killed him in a headlock, 207 00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:48,612 he looked like Robert Mugabe. 208 00:10:50,820 --> 00:10:52,219 Okay. 209 00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:54,650 I will need to speak to your son about this. 210 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:56,817 Oh, heck. 211 00:10:56,940 --> 00:10:59,932 - I knew shouldn't have said anything. - Don't worry. 212 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,414 You did the right thing. 213 00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:05,659 I have some other statements to take, but please tell your son, Mr Maltby, 214 00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:08,972 that I will need to speak to him sometime today. 215 00:11:16,060 --> 00:11:17,812 - Hiya. - All right. 216 00:11:17,940 --> 00:11:19,169 Is there nobody serving? 217 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,577 There was somebody here, but I think they've gone. 218 00:11:23,740 --> 00:11:25,572 - You all right? - Yeah. 219 00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:28,700 Oh, this. Yeah. 220 00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:32,051 I caught the bloke and that lass nicking stuff from our rooms last night. 221 00:11:32,180 --> 00:11:34,490 - Oh, right. That was you? - Yeah. 222 00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:38,133 Yeah. Lucky it weren't me that caught him. 223 00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:40,979 Oh, aye, he'd have given you a right pasting. 224 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,694 No. I mean, I might have killed him. 225 00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:46,733 Yeah. You could have bored him to death. 226 00:11:46,860 --> 00:11:48,612 - You what? - Nothing. 227 00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,614 I've got Territorial Army training, you see. 228 00:11:51,740 --> 00:11:53,094 I don't know me own strength. 229 00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:54,654 - I bet. - Yeah. 230 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:57,169 Did you know, there's a spot on the side of your head 231 00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:00,531 and if somebody punches you there hard enough, you die, instantly. 232 00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:02,776 (CLICKS TONGUE) There must be somebody serving. 233 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:04,777 That's right, there. Bang! 234 00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,379 One hit. 235 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:09,572 - Don't do that, mate. - Literally one hit. Bang! 236 00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:12,694 I've asked you not to do that. 237 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,140 There's no need to be frightened. 238 00:12:14,260 --> 00:12:17,730 I can do that and stop one millimetre away from your head. 239 00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:20,613 I'm not frightened. I've just asked you not to do it. 240 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,334 I'm actually a qualified stuntman. 241 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:27,459 I could do that a hundred times without actually touching you. 242 00:12:27,860 --> 00:12:29,453 (GEOFF EXHALES) 243 00:12:30,220 --> 00:12:31,654 (GEOFF CRIES OUT) 244 00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:34,977 Sorry. Sorry. Are you all right? 245 00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:37,376 I did ask you not to do it! 246 00:12:37,740 --> 00:12:39,094 (GEOFF GROANS) 247 00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:40,938 No, no. I'm fine. 248 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,330 Thing about being a stuntman is 249 00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:45,259 you learn how to fall without hurting yourself. 250 00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:49,339 Uh, I'm gonna get two coffees from inside. Do you want another beer? 251 00:12:49,460 --> 00:12:50,814 Yes, please. 252 00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:00,453 Hello there. 253 00:13:01,260 --> 00:13:03,376 Donald and Jacqueline Stewart. 254 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:05,696 I'm sure we've met before. 255 00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:07,493 I don't think so. 256 00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,089 You look very familiar. 257 00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:14,576 I'm sorry. Is there a reason you're still talking to me? 258 00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,135 Middlesborough Swingers Association? 259 00:13:17,260 --> 00:13:18,694 What exactly do you want? 260 00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:21,050 We definitely know you from somewhere. 261 00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:23,649 It's on the tip of my tongue. 262 00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:26,619 Yes. I'm sure it often is. 263 00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:28,731 (DONALD CHUCKLING) 264 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:31,499 Classy lady. 265 00:13:31,620 --> 00:13:34,180 I wouldn't mind getting to know her a bit better. 266 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,018 (LUSTILY) Oh, yes. 267 00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:42,020 What did you have to go upsetting me mother like that for? 268 00:13:42,140 --> 00:13:43,130 What have I done now? 269 00:13:43,260 --> 00:13:46,093 Well, I don't think saying her new hairdo made her look like Stevie Wonder 270 00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:47,972 will have been the best compliment she's had today. 271 00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:49,852 I never said that. 272 00:13:49,980 --> 00:13:51,698 It was Bo Diddley. 273 00:13:51,820 --> 00:13:53,254 Anyway, don't shoot the messenger. 274 00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:55,496 You should be trying to keep on Mel's good side 275 00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:57,133 if you want him to pay you for this week. 276 00:13:57,260 --> 00:13:59,490 I'm here. Eager to work. 277 00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:01,338 It's not my fault every time he has a business idea, 278 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:03,371 it goes arse end up. 279 00:14:03,780 --> 00:14:04,895 If he fell into a barrel of tits, 280 00:14:05,020 --> 00:14:07,773 he'd come up sucking his thumb, that one. 281 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,898 Who's that over there? 282 00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:16,416 - Who? - That woman on her own over there. 283 00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:19,218 Uh, somebody on holiday? 284 00:14:19,340 --> 00:14:20,375 She's on her own. 285 00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:23,333 Oh, bloody hell, pass me the phone, I'll ring Crimestoppers. 286 00:14:23,460 --> 00:14:25,849 She looks a bit posh to be here. 287 00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:30,054 - Do you want a drink? - I've got one, thanks. 288 00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:32,534 Where you going? 289 00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:33,809 I'm just gonna get a drink. 290 00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:35,658 Oh, you're a nosy bleeder. 291 00:14:35,780 --> 00:14:39,535 Look, we've had burglaries here. Somebody giving me mother drugs. 292 00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:42,129 It was you that gave your mother drugs. Who's got their eye on you? 293 00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:43,659 Won't be long. 294 00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:45,214 Oi, Quincy! 295 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:47,818 Get us another beer. 296 00:14:49,940 --> 00:14:51,055 Do you want a drink, Telle? 297 00:14:51,180 --> 00:14:54,252 - No, I'm all right, thanks. - All right, darling. 298 00:15:05,580 --> 00:15:07,412 We must stop meeting like this. 299 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:09,770 That's easily sorted. Goodbye. 300 00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:12,335 I was only trying to be friendly. 301 00:15:13,020 --> 00:15:14,419 How's your grandmother? 302 00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:16,577 Me nana is fine, thank you. 303 00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:17,815 Yeah. 304 00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:22,138 I've never seen a pensioner trying to bodysurf a karaoke audience before. 305 00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:23,409 Quite a mad night. 306 00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:25,850 Yeah, well, unlike some people, 307 00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:28,369 she knows how to have a good time. 308 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:31,813 I never... 309 00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:34,819 really apologised for getting pissed on our date last year. 310 00:15:34,940 --> 00:15:36,772 I don't remember having a date with you. 311 00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,369 Well, that drink we had together... 312 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:41,377 I'll tell you what I do remember. 313 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,889 You ruining me nana's wedding day 314 00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:45,613 after nearly killing her husband 315 00:15:45,740 --> 00:15:48,175 by drop-kicking him from a parachute. 316 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:49,859 He was annoyed about that, wasn't he? 317 00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:54,053 Yeah. He can get quite irrational and tetchy about things like that. 318 00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:58,012 Look, I just wanted to say, I, uh... 319 00:15:58,700 --> 00:15:59,735 (SIGHS) Well .. 320 00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:03,694 I know I messed up, but if you fancy another drink, you know... 321 00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:06,890 I think you're a great laugh. 322 00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:08,010 (SNIGGERS) 323 00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:09,289 Um... 324 00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:12,171 Well, you're dead sorted. 325 00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:16,055 You've got a beautiful little kid and you've got a brilliant smile and... 326 00:16:17,780 --> 00:16:19,612 I really fancy you. 327 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:25,460 Uh, I've made a dick of meself again. 328 00:16:25,580 --> 00:16:27,651 Look, I'll see you around. 329 00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:29,100 Geoff... 330 00:16:40,660 --> 00:16:42,298 (CHILDREN YELLING) 331 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,649 - Hiya. - Hello. 332 00:16:57,980 --> 00:16:59,653 Cracking weather, isn't it ? 333 00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:01,134 Very nice. 334 00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:03,649 - Lovely sun. - Yes. 335 00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:05,896 They tend to get that in Spain. 336 00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:07,931 Especially in the summer. 337 00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:10,859 - You look nice. - Thank you. 338 00:17:10,980 --> 00:17:12,732 You're not hot with that cardie on? 339 00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:14,578 No, I'm fine. 340 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,577 - Is that your bag? - Yes. 341 00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,657 I'd keep an eye on that if I were you. 342 00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:21,010 We've had some burglaries round here lately. 343 00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:22,858 Yes, I know. 344 00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:26,816 Oh, right. 345 00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:28,774 Yeah. 346 00:17:28,900 --> 00:17:32,370 I thought you looked a bit posh to be on holiday here. 347 00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:36,459 You like, what's-it-name, aren't you? You're, um, Primeval. 348 00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:39,499 I beg your pardon? 349 00:17:39,620 --> 00:17:41,531 Not Primeval. 350 00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:43,333 Primordial? 351 00:17:43,460 --> 00:17:47,374 No. No, that's them dwarfs with big teeth, isn't it? 352 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,979 (JANICE SIGHS) 353 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:52,252 What's her name? You know, the Queen? 354 00:17:53,060 --> 00:17:54,698 Prime Suspect! 355 00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:56,891 I'm just waiting for someone. 356 00:17:57,020 --> 00:18:00,331 Oh, don't you worry. I won't blow your cover. 357 00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:02,736 Have you got your eye on anyone in particular? 358 00:18:02,860 --> 00:18:05,978 Now, don't tell me because I'm almost there. 359 00:18:06,660 --> 00:18:08,776 You're a friend of Rob the Knob. 360 00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:11,540 Northeast Leather and Rubber Ball? 361 00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:14,891 I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. 362 00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:16,215 Rob Titmus. 363 00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:18,456 Used to run an adult mail-order business 364 00:18:18,580 --> 00:18:21,333 just outside Rimswell. No? 365 00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:24,259 Is this man a friend of yours? 366 00:18:24,380 --> 00:18:25,973 Not really. 367 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:27,970 DONALD: Mmm. 368 00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:29,818 (WHEELCHAIR HUMMING) 369 00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:31,979 For your information, 370 00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:35,570 I've had three people today say my hair is lovely. 371 00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,930 I said your hair was lovely. 372 00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:41,815 It was me that said it was nice. 373 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,659 And what are you looking at? 374 00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:46,691 All dressed up like a dog's dinner. 375 00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:50,290 I think that may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black. 376 00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:53,060 Excuse me, that's my wife you're talking to. 377 00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:55,899 I'm not black. I've just got an healthy tan, 378 00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:57,772 which is more than I can say for you. 379 00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,414 - You look albemic. - Mother! 380 00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:01,900 Excuse me. 381 00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:04,489 That's it. Piss off before we get you slung out. 382 00:19:04,620 --> 00:19:07,214 You're not even wearing a wristband. 383 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,779 Martin. 384 00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:10,898 - Diana? - What are you doing here? 385 00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:12,533 Guildford sauna. 386 00:19:12,660 --> 00:19:15,493 You're friends of Bob Knutsford and Two-Ton Tammy. 387 00:19:15,620 --> 00:19:18,373 We didn't recognise you with your clothes on. 388 00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:21,777 It's been a few years, but I never forget a face. 389 00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,050 When you two clowns have quite finished, 390 00:19:24,180 --> 00:19:28,060 I would like to assure you that not only have we never met, 391 00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:31,730 as soon as I escape this odious freak circus, 392 00:19:31,860 --> 00:19:35,490 I shall do my very best to make sure that we never meet again. 393 00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:38,692 Oh, dear, I am sorry, I dldn't mean to cause offence. 394 00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:42,137 You look very much like a friend of a friend. 395 00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:43,819 Mother, can we go inside and talk? 396 00:19:43,940 --> 00:19:47,012 DIANA: Yes, thank you, darling. I have a car waiting outside. 397 00:19:47,140 --> 00:19:48,733 Where's me drink? 398 00:19:49,780 --> 00:19:51,976 I absolutely love it here. 399 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:07,540 What'd you get if you cross Randy Crawford with Zelda from Terrahawks? 400 00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:10,174 (LAUGHS) I know it's fab, isn't it? 401 00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,893 GAVIN: Why's she done her hair like that? 402 00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:13,249 It's not Comic Relief, is it? 403 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,417 Oh, you missed all the best bits while you were asleep. 404 00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:18,578 We're the only people she hasn't had a row with. 405 00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,418 - Fabulous. - Right. 406 00:20:20,940 --> 00:20:22,692 (SIGHS) I'm going to go and snap one off. 407 00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:24,538 See you in a minute. 408 00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:30,177 (MOBILE PHONE PLAYING DYNASTY THEME SONG RING TONE) 409 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,576 Hello. Troy's phone. 410 00:20:37,940 --> 00:20:39,214 Hello? 411 00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:41,692 JAMIE: Can you hear me? 412 00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:44,699 Yes, this is Troy's phone. Who's calling? 413 00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:47,609 JAMIE: I can hardly hear you, Troy. 414 00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:52,338 I know I said I didn't want to meet up again, but I've changed my mind. 415 00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,212 I'm sorry for calling without texting first, 416 00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:56,650 but I really need to see you. 417 00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,809 Troy? It's Jamie. 418 00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:02,938 Can you hear me? 419 00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:07,418 I know your boyfriend's probably there and you can't talk but, 420 00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:10,054 if you can hear me, press a button. 421 00:21:10,580 --> 00:21:11,854 Troy? 422 00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:14,932 (MOBILE PHONE BEEPS) 423 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:18,458 Troy, I didn't mean the things I said. 424 00:21:18,580 --> 00:21:21,220 I'm sorry. I want to be with you. 425 00:21:22,220 --> 00:21:24,211 I know it's a difficult situation, 426 00:21:24,340 --> 00:21:27,014 (SIGHS) but I think about you all the time. 427 00:21:27,140 --> 00:21:29,734 So call me when you're on your own. 428 00:21:30,180 --> 00:21:33,855 Troy, please give me another chance. I know you love me. 429 00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,378 I love you, too. 430 00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:45,971 I'll have to hang on for a minute. I think Noreen's squeezing one out. 431 00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:49,252 Have you seen this? Half price voucher for Benidorm Palace. 432 00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:51,894 - Fancy it tonight? - I don't mind. 433 00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,853 "Showgirls, acrobats, magic and fun 434 00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,449 "at Benidorm's Premier Show Lounge." 435 00:21:57,580 --> 00:22:00,732 Bloody hell just when I thought my life couldn't get more exciting. 436 00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:14,858 (MADGE COUGHING) 437 00:22:18,620 --> 00:22:20,213 Where was it you had your hair done, mam? 438 00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:22,058 And do they do refunds? 439 00:22:22,180 --> 00:22:25,730 It's only ten minutes up the road. Do you want yours done? 440 00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:28,093 - Um... - No, she doesn't. 441 00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:30,734 I was asking the organ grinder, not the monkey. 442 00:22:30,860 --> 00:22:33,010 Wa-hey! Nice one, Madge! 443 00:22:34,580 --> 00:22:35,615 Hey! 444 00:22:36,220 --> 00:22:38,291 You can grind my organ any day! 445 00:22:38,420 --> 00:22:42,175 Do you mind? We've heard quite enough language today, thank you. 446 00:22:42,300 --> 00:22:45,179 You'll never believe what that woman said to Madge earlier on. 447 00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:47,052 What's going on with that lot? 448 00:22:47,180 --> 00:22:49,137 That's his wife that's come back, isn't it? 449 00:22:49,260 --> 00:22:53,094 And the woman I thought was the police, turns out to be his mother! 450 00:22:53,220 --> 00:22:54,574 I can't follow it all. 451 00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:57,852 Hey, what about this for tonight, Benidorm Palace? 452 00:22:58,380 --> 00:23:01,532 "Benidorm's premier entertainment experience. 453 00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:03,617 "Gourmet four-course meal 454 00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:06,619 "and a breathtaking international variety show, 455 00:23:06,740 --> 00:23:08,413 "providing all the glitz and sparkle 456 00:23:08,540 --> 00:23:12,056 "of Las Vegas and Broadway in one spectacular evening.” 457 00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:17,930 Well? 458 00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:20,253 Don't mind, Mel. 459 00:23:20,980 --> 00:23:23,017 We're all right here, aren't we? 460 00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:24,972 - Madge? - Who is it? 461 00:23:25,100 --> 00:23:27,774 What do you mean, "Who is it?" It's a show and a meal! 462 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:29,573 We can get that here for free, Mel. 463 00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:30,974 All right, I'll go on me own. 464 00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:32,738 Let's have a look. 465 00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:37,099 Why do you want to go on your own for? 466 00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:39,734 (LAUGHS) I can see why he wants to go on his own. 467 00:23:39,860 --> 00:23:41,771 They've got more tits than Bill Oddle's garden! 468 00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:45,052 I didn't even notice that, I thought it might be a nice night out. 469 00:23:45,180 --> 00:23:46,659 Give it over here. 470 00:23:46,780 --> 00:23:49,659 No, I didn't notice a big pair of jugs on the front of the leaflet either. 471 00:23:49,780 --> 00:23:52,454 I was looking at the font they'd used in the title. 472 00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:55,174 Ooh, looks like a good night out, this. 473 00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:57,894 Live band, singers, acrobats, dancers... 474 00:23:58,020 --> 00:23:59,931 Rows of dirty old men having a knuckle shuffle 475 00:24:00,060 --> 00:24:01,334 - under their raincoats! - Oh... 476 00:24:01,460 --> 00:24:05,294 All right, that's enough. Is it expensive, Mel? 477 00:24:05,420 --> 00:24:08,458 Oh, let's call it a staff outing for Mel Harvey Enterprises. 478 00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:11,299 Do you fancy going to the Benidorm Palace tonight, Telle? 479 00:24:11,420 --> 00:24:13,730 - No. - You don't even know what it is. 480 00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:15,294 Don't need to. 481 00:24:15,740 --> 00:24:17,890 Ooh, the enthusiasm of youth. 482 00:24:18,380 --> 00:24:19,779 Right. I'm off for a dip. 483 00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:21,732 Melvin, I don't want to see the pages of that leaflet 484 00:24:21,860 --> 00:24:23,214 stuck together when I get back. 485 00:24:23,340 --> 00:24:25,092 Don't be disgusting. 486 00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:47,010 - Buenos días, Miss Armstrong. - Hello, Rico. 487 00:24:47,140 --> 00:24:49,609 I think we'll have drinks on the roof terrace. 488 00:24:49,740 --> 00:24:51,651 Of course, Miss Armstrong. 489 00:25:02,660 --> 00:25:04,890 Sorry, I'm still not sure what you're doing here. 490 00:25:05,020 --> 00:25:08,297 My darling, I'm here because my only son needed me. 491 00:25:08,420 --> 00:25:09,490 I phoned mother first 492 00:25:09,620 --> 00:25:11,577 'cause it was the only number I knew off by heart. 493 00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:13,816 But I didn't expect her to come all the way out here. 494 00:25:13,940 --> 00:25:15,817 But you expected me to. 495 00:25:16,780 --> 00:25:17,770 No. 496 00:25:18,020 --> 00:25:22,218 Sorry. Look, this holiday's been a complete disaster. 497 00:25:22,340 --> 00:25:24,616 Unlike the two holidays we had in Benidorm. 498 00:25:24,740 --> 00:25:26,777 Hang on, now I'm confused. 499 00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:30,939 If Kate's just arrived, who've you been on holiday with? 500 00:25:31,060 --> 00:25:34,178 Mother, Kate and I've been separated for almost eight months. 501 00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:36,689 Have you? Why didn't you tell me? 502 00:25:36,820 --> 00:25:39,289 I did, several times. 503 00:25:39,420 --> 00:25:41,730 Well, why on earth did you come on holiday together? 504 00:25:41,860 --> 00:25:44,613 We didn't. Kate arrived this morning, a few hours before you. 505 00:25:44,740 --> 00:25:48,893 Well, look, darling, the main thing is you're out of that rather grim hostel. 506 00:25:49,020 --> 00:25:51,296 What hostel? I'm staying in serviced apartments. 507 00:25:51,420 --> 00:25:53,775 Serviced by who? Rentokil? 508 00:25:54,260 --> 00:25:56,695 I would have let you use the villa in Torrevieja, 509 00:25:56,820 --> 00:25:59,619 but it's having a complete renovation at the moment. 510 00:25:59,740 --> 00:26:00,935 What is Torrevieja? 511 00:26:01,060 --> 00:26:04,496 Oh, mum's had a little place on the Costa Blanca since the late '80s. 512 00:26:04,620 --> 00:26:06,770 It's about an hour and a half away from here, isn't it? 513 00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:08,857 Something like that, I think. Mmm-hmm. 514 00:26:08,980 --> 00:26:11,813 You mean, we had two holidays from hell in Benidorm, 515 00:26:11,940 --> 00:26:14,773 when your mother owns a villa 90 minutes away from here? 516 00:26:14,900 --> 00:26:18,131 It's not much. A little four-bedroom thing, 517 00:26:18,260 --> 00:26:21,491 tiny pool, no permanent staff. 518 00:26:22,860 --> 00:26:24,339 Your ticket, Miss Armstrong. 519 00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:26,417 Oh. Thank you, Miguel. 520 00:26:26,540 --> 00:26:27,814 Have you been here before? 521 00:26:27,940 --> 00:26:29,851 - No. - You seem to know a lot of the staff. 522 00:26:29,980 --> 00:26:31,539 Martin, what have I told you? 523 00:26:31,660 --> 00:26:34,698 The trick with staff is to learn their names immediately. 524 00:26:34,820 --> 00:26:36,652 You get a much better service. 525 00:26:36,780 --> 00:26:38,578 Now, I've organised for us 526 00:26:38,700 --> 00:26:41,499 to see some authentic flamenco in Alicante. 527 00:26:41,980 --> 00:26:44,130 I'm sure they'll squeeze another one in. 528 00:26:44,260 --> 00:26:46,058 I'm sorry, I have a flight first thing in the morning 529 00:26:46,180 --> 00:26:47,136 and I need to find somewhere... 530 00:26:47,260 --> 00:26:50,252 Martin, there's a room booked for you under my name. 531 00:26:50,380 --> 00:26:52,018 Try and use the spa. 532 00:26:52,140 --> 00:26:55,258 I believe they do an incredible Thai massage. 533 00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:58,738 I had a little man in London who used to do me. 534 00:26:58,860 --> 00:27:00,931 His name was Chang. 535 00:27:01,060 --> 00:27:03,779 Unfortunately, I discovered that he was working illegally, 536 00:27:03,900 --> 00:27:06,096 so I had to have him deported. 537 00:27:06,380 --> 00:27:07,336 Shame. 538 00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:11,658 Because he wore a funny little hat that really used to make me laugh. 539 00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:16,338 Back here at 7:00. 540 00:27:26,420 --> 00:27:29,173 - Hiya. - Hiya. 541 00:27:29,860 --> 00:27:31,612 Can I sit down? 542 00:27:31,740 --> 00:27:33,458 It's a free country. 543 00:27:33,980 --> 00:27:37,132 As long as you're not gonna have another go at me. 544 00:27:37,260 --> 00:27:39,490 I'm not gonna have a go at yer. 545 00:27:40,940 --> 00:27:42,692 I just wanted to say... 546 00:27:43,460 --> 00:27:46,373 You know all them things you said earlier? 547 00:27:46,940 --> 00:27:48,089 Yeah. 548 00:27:48,220 --> 00:27:51,212 Well, did you mean 'em or were you just taking the piss? 549 00:27:51,340 --> 00:27:52,330 Course I meant "em! 550 00:27:52,460 --> 00:27:54,451 'Cause if you said 'em and you didn't mean 'em... 551 00:27:54,580 --> 00:27:57,049 I just know how full of shit you can be. 552 00:27:57,180 --> 00:27:59,217 I'm really glad you decided not to have a go at me. 553 00:27:59,340 --> 00:28:01,092 You know what I mean. 554 00:28:04,220 --> 00:28:06,052 I like you, Geoff, 555 00:28:06,180 --> 00:28:09,093 but I want to get past all the bullshit and the lies. 556 00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:11,450 "I'm champion at this, I'm an expert at that. 557 00:28:11,580 --> 00:28:13,856 "That's not my mam, it's me PA!" 558 00:28:17,060 --> 00:28:19,620 I want to get to know the real Geoff. 559 00:28:20,020 --> 00:28:23,217 - SECURITY OFFICER: Geoff Maltby? - Yeah? 560 00:28:23,340 --> 00:28:25,536 - I understand you have been attacked. - You what? 561 00:28:25,660 --> 00:28:27,731 I have a statement here from your mother, 562 00:28:27,860 --> 00:28:30,773 Mrs Noreen Maltby, saying you defended yourself 563 00:28:30,900 --> 00:28:33,460 from five armed suspects on the night of the burglary. 564 00:28:33,580 --> 00:28:36,538 Bloody hell, Geoff, why didn't you say? Are you all right? 565 00:28:36,660 --> 00:28:38,810 It was just a bit of scuffle, really. 566 00:28:38,940 --> 00:28:41,693 Mr Maltby, this is not a time for modesty. 567 00:28:41,820 --> 00:28:44,573 I already have some details of your incredible bravery, 568 00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:46,816 but I need to get a full statement from you. 569 00:28:46,940 --> 00:28:48,817 Is now a convenient time? 570 00:28:48,940 --> 00:28:50,533 Oh, not really. 571 00:28:50,660 --> 00:28:52,298 You go talk to the police, 572 00:28:52,420 --> 00:28:54,809 I've got to check on Coolio in the crèche. 573 00:28:54,940 --> 00:28:58,296 Geoff, what about tonight for that drink? 574 00:28:58,420 --> 00:28:59,819 Yeah, okay. 575 00:29:00,900 --> 00:29:02,618 See you later, then. 576 00:29:16,020 --> 00:29:19,615 I know I keep saying it, but thank you so much for coming. 577 00:29:20,060 --> 00:29:22,210 I still can't believe you're here. 578 00:29:22,340 --> 00:29:24,251 You're not the only one. 579 00:29:26,060 --> 00:29:29,212 So, who is this girl you brought on holiday? 580 00:29:29,860 --> 00:29:32,056 You don't have to tell me, it's none of my business really. 581 00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:34,137 No, don't be silly. Um... 582 00:29:35,060 --> 00:29:36,653 Not long after we split up, 583 00:29:36,780 --> 00:29:40,899 I joined a night class in Croydon. I met her there. 584 00:29:41,020 --> 00:29:43,853 - I see. - We weren't in any kind of relationship. 585 00:29:43,980 --> 00:29:45,891 I just happened to sit next to her one Friday night 586 00:29:46,020 --> 00:29:48,057 and she seemed very chatty. 587 00:29:48,780 --> 00:29:50,817 A bit too chatty, actually. 588 00:29:50,940 --> 00:29:55,013 Quite annoying, very loud and well, a bit coarse. 589 00:29:55,140 --> 00:29:57,654 So, obviously you invited her on holiday with you? 590 00:29:57,780 --> 00:30:00,374 No! Not at all. The conversation got on to Spain 591 00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:03,219 and I mentioned the free vouchers I had for this holiday, 592 00:30:03,340 --> 00:30:04,739 and, well.. 593 00:30:05,660 --> 00:30:08,015 She kind of railroaded me into taking her. 594 00:30:08,140 --> 00:30:12,020 I said wasn't really keen on going on holiday with someone I didn't know, 595 00:30:12,140 --> 00:30:13,892 but she wouldn't take no for an answer. 596 00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:15,579 What kind of night class was this? 597 00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:17,452 It was called "The Lion Within. 598 00:30:17,580 --> 00:30:20,572 "How to be more assertive in 10 easy lessons." 599 00:30:22,060 --> 00:30:23,334 Of course. 600 00:30:24,020 --> 00:30:26,091 Kate, I've done some pretty stupid things in my time, 601 00:30:26,220 --> 00:30:30,100 but I think the one that beats them all is letting you walk out of my life. 602 00:30:30,220 --> 00:30:31,449 Martin... 603 00:30:31,940 --> 00:30:34,295 Ahl! There you are. All ready? 604 00:30:34,860 --> 00:30:37,170 Do you mind us going? She has come all this way. 605 00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:38,574 What about me? 606 00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:40,020 This may come as a surprise to you, Martin, 607 00:30:40,140 --> 00:30:42,450 but Benidorm isn't exactly on my way to work. 608 00:30:42,580 --> 00:30:44,218 Come on, quick sticks. 609 00:30:44,340 --> 00:30:45,819 Diana, I think I'm going to stay here. 610 00:30:45,940 --> 00:30:48,056 No, I simply won't allow it. 611 00:30:48,940 --> 00:30:51,329 Oh, you mean you're underdressed? 612 00:30:51,460 --> 00:30:54,293 Well, I shouldn't worry, I imagine it's all fairly rustic. 613 00:30:54,420 --> 00:30:55,854 You're not listening to me. 614 00:30:55,980 --> 00:30:57,254 That reminds me, 615 00:30:57,380 --> 00:31:00,532 I must cancel Anton, my acupressurist tomorrow. 616 00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:03,573 I can always have a double session on Monday. 617 00:31:04,420 --> 00:31:06,855 - Kate, please come. - DIANA: Martin? 618 00:31:07,420 --> 00:31:08,615 Please. 619 00:31:31,380 --> 00:31:33,337 (SIGHS) Should we have one in Neptune's? 620 00:31:33,460 --> 00:31:35,053 We said we'd meet them here at 7:00. 621 00:31:35,180 --> 00:31:37,649 It's 7:00 now. We're losing valuable supping time. 622 00:31:37,780 --> 00:31:40,579 Why don't you just relax and enjoy yourself? 623 00:31:40,700 --> 00:31:42,498 I would enjoy meself if I had a beer in me hand. 624 00:31:42,620 --> 00:31:43,894 They'll be here in a minute. 625 00:31:44,020 --> 00:31:46,660 Yeah. Excuse me, love. Why is this bar not open? 626 00:31:46,780 --> 00:31:48,896 Because the useless sod who works here hasn't turned up, 627 00:31:49,020 --> 00:31:51,614 and if you see the dirty greasy-haired get out on the town, 628 00:31:51,740 --> 00:31:53,890 you can tell him he's sacked! 629 00:31:54,260 --> 00:31:57,855 Shall we walk up to the Benidorm Palace and have one in there? I can text them. 630 00:31:57,980 --> 00:31:59,857 No, we bloody can't. 631 00:31:59,980 --> 00:32:02,335 Not paying for a round in there when it's free in here. 632 00:32:02,460 --> 00:32:04,133 Anyway, it's supposed to be a work's outing. 633 00:32:04,260 --> 00:32:05,694 You can always ask him for the money back. 634 00:32:05,820 --> 00:32:07,493 I'm not doing that! 635 00:32:08,180 --> 00:32:09,898 I'd look a right tight get! 636 00:32:22,420 --> 00:32:24,855 Bloody hell, it's the Starship Enterprise! 637 00:32:24,980 --> 00:32:25,936 I thought this would be a laugh 638 00:32:26,060 --> 00:32:28,290 but I think it's actually gonna be quite good. 639 00:32:28,420 --> 00:32:30,491 - You all right? - I'm fine. 640 00:32:30,620 --> 00:32:33,499 Oh, you're nervous about the topless dancers. 641 00:32:33,620 --> 00:32:37,250 Don't worry, I think the blokes get their tits out and all. 642 00:32:37,540 --> 00:32:38,769 Gavin, what's wrong? 643 00:32:38,900 --> 00:32:41,016 - I'm fine. - You're not fine! 644 00:32:41,420 --> 00:32:44,173 Why do you do this? If something is annoying you, tell me. 645 00:32:44,300 --> 00:32:46,769 If I've done something to annoy you, just tell me. 646 00:32:46,900 --> 00:32:48,254 Don't bottle it all up, 647 00:32:48,380 --> 00:32:51,213 especially in the last days of our holiday. 648 00:32:51,540 --> 00:32:53,258 'Cause when you do finally tell me what's wrong, 649 00:32:53,380 --> 00:32:55,769 nine times out of 10, you got the wrong end of the stick anyway. 650 00:32:55,900 --> 00:32:57,652 I think that's highly unlikely! 651 00:32:57,780 --> 00:32:59,930 Gavin. Gavin! 652 00:33:00,060 --> 00:33:02,813 Gavin, I've got to get the tickets first! 653 00:33:03,540 --> 00:33:05,178 He's on the blob. 654 00:33:07,140 --> 00:33:08,972 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 655 00:33:19,900 --> 00:33:22,130 You can't say it's not big enough. 656 00:33:22,260 --> 00:33:25,412 Yeah, that's a phrase you don't hear Madge say very often, is it, Mel? 657 00:33:25,540 --> 00:33:27,929 Are we gonna have a whole night listening to this filth? 658 00:33:28,060 --> 00:33:30,893 Filth? You're the one who's brought us to a bloody peep show. 659 00:33:31,020 --> 00:33:35,139 Don't be ridiculous. This is a sophisticated cabaret. 660 00:33:37,220 --> 00:33:39,177 At peep shows, you have to sit in one of those little booths 661 00:33:39,300 --> 00:33:40,290 with a slot in the wall. 662 00:33:40,420 --> 00:33:42,218 Eh, it's all coming out now. 663 00:33:42,340 --> 00:33:44,058 I saw it on the telly. 664 00:33:44,180 --> 00:33:46,376 Hey, mam, it looks good, doesn't it? 665 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:49,572 When do you get the food? Says here you get your dinner first. 666 00:33:49,700 --> 00:33:52,931 I'm not sitting through a two-hour show waiting for me dinner. 667 00:33:53,060 --> 00:33:55,176 This way, everyone. Smile, please. 668 00:33:55,500 --> 00:33:56,535 Olé! 669 00:33:58,860 --> 00:34:00,294 And now the beautiful señoritas. 670 00:34:00,420 --> 00:34:02,058 Hey, hang on, what about these two? 671 00:34:02,180 --> 00:34:03,329 Smile, please. 672 00:34:03,460 --> 00:34:05,451 Olé! 673 00:34:11,740 --> 00:34:13,697 (FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING) 674 00:34:19,500 --> 00:34:20,934 This is very authentic. 675 00:34:21,060 --> 00:34:23,654 Yes, isn't it wonderful? It really is. 676 00:34:24,420 --> 00:34:25,819 Here's to us! 677 00:34:26,740 --> 00:34:28,572 I mean, to all of us. 678 00:34:30,380 --> 00:34:33,338 Martin, I'm sorry, I don't think I can stay. 679 00:34:33,460 --> 00:34:34,609 Kate, what's wrong? 680 00:34:34,740 --> 00:34:37,334 I'm sorry. I just can't do this. 681 00:34:37,460 --> 00:34:38,609 Lovely! 682 00:34:40,300 --> 00:34:42,416 I'm not playing happy families with a husband 683 00:34:42,540 --> 00:34:44,656 I've been separated from for eight months. 684 00:34:44,780 --> 00:34:46,259 Or trying to converse with a mother-in-law 685 00:34:46,380 --> 00:34:47,939 who never listens to a word anyone says! 686 00:34:48,060 --> 00:34:50,097 Ah! Flamenco! 687 00:35:22,020 --> 00:35:23,454 Oh, my God. 688 00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:25,856 That's just what I was thinking. 689 00:35:37,540 --> 00:35:39,213 (AUDIENCE WHOOPING) 690 00:35:45,420 --> 00:35:47,093 (WOMAN EXCLAIMS) 691 00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:53,216 Oh, my God. How does he do that? 692 00:35:56,180 --> 00:35:57,853 (WOMAN EXCLAIMS) 693 00:36:03,180 --> 00:36:04,898 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 694 00:36:09,380 --> 00:36:10,370 Oh! 695 00:36:11,420 --> 00:36:13,138 (AUDIENCE WHOOPING) 696 00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:28,011 Thank God we got the cheap seats, that could have been you. 697 00:36:28,140 --> 00:36:29,369 Go on, Mel. Go on now. 698 00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:31,935 Whoo! Go, Mel! 699 00:36:32,060 --> 00:36:34,017 It's Mel. He's got Mel up there. 700 00:36:34,140 --> 00:36:36,529 Oh, this is gonna be brilliant. 701 00:36:51,060 --> 00:36:54,337 Gavin, will you please tell me what's wrong? 702 00:36:54,460 --> 00:36:55,450 Nothing. 703 00:36:55,580 --> 00:36:57,810 Gavin, we're not gonna get anywhere if we don't talk. 704 00:36:57,940 --> 00:36:59,817 (EXCLAIMING) 705 00:37:05,940 --> 00:37:07,339 All right. 706 00:37:07,780 --> 00:37:09,293 Who's Jamie? 707 00:37:12,260 --> 00:37:13,933 If you really want to talk, 708 00:37:14,060 --> 00:37:16,051 let's have a conversation about Jamie 709 00:37:16,180 --> 00:37:20,139 and his messages on your phone telling you how much he loves you. 710 00:37:22,940 --> 00:37:24,931 - Do a flip. - Don't push it! 711 00:37:28,860 --> 00:37:30,737 One way of getting the change out of his pocket! 712 00:37:30,860 --> 00:37:32,089 Gavin, 713 00:37:32,220 --> 00:37:34,336 why have you been listening to my phone messages? 714 00:37:34,460 --> 00:37:36,098 Who said I have? 715 00:37:38,540 --> 00:37:40,736 Hey, mam, he's brilliant, isn't he? 716 00:37:40,860 --> 00:37:42,851 Gavin... Oh, God! 717 00:37:43,780 --> 00:37:44,850 It's not what you think... 718 00:37:44,980 --> 00:37:46,857 I've spoken to him. 719 00:37:46,980 --> 00:37:49,335 - What? - Your phone rang today. 720 00:37:50,060 --> 00:37:51,459 I answered it to take a message. 721 00:37:51,580 --> 00:37:53,696 How old is he, 12? 722 00:37:54,620 --> 00:37:55,849 He's 21. 723 00:37:56,260 --> 00:37:58,331 Gavin, I can explain everything. 724 00:37:58,460 --> 00:38:00,212 Oh, don't bother! 725 00:38:01,700 --> 00:38:03,850 Oh, here we go. Here we go. 726 00:38:03,980 --> 00:38:05,334 Gavin... 727 00:38:05,780 --> 00:38:09,250 Get... Get off me, you stupid man! Leave me alone! 728 00:38:09,380 --> 00:38:12,452 Sorry, sorry. He's not well. He's got a bad leg. 729 00:38:12,980 --> 00:38:15,210 Oh! For goodness sake! 730 00:38:15,940 --> 00:38:17,897 Gavin, Gavin... 731 00:38:19,780 --> 00:38:20,895 Gavin... 732 00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:22,535 Jamie... 733 00:38:24,820 --> 00:38:26,493 Jamie is my son. 734 00:38:29,340 --> 00:38:30,455 Oh! 735 00:38:31,180 --> 00:38:32,853 That is genlus! 736 00:38:32,980 --> 00:38:34,891 Why didn't I think of that? 737 00:38:35,020 --> 00:38:39,093 Of course, you've probably got hundreds of kids crawling all over the place! 738 00:38:39,220 --> 00:38:41,894 This gay thing is just a front you've been putting on 739 00:38:42,020 --> 00:38:44,011 for the last 15 years! 740 00:38:48,740 --> 00:38:50,219 Oh, my God! 741 00:38:51,660 --> 00:38:53,412 He is your son. 742 00:38:53,940 --> 00:38:56,409 I couldn't believe it when he got in touch again. 743 00:38:56,540 --> 00:38:59,373 We met up once, a few years ago. 744 00:39:00,420 --> 00:39:02,297 It didn't work out. 745 00:39:02,420 --> 00:39:04,331 I was going to tell you. 746 00:39:05,060 --> 00:39:06,130 MEL: Come up! 747 00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:07,694 - Come on, yeah. - Yeah! 748 00:39:07,820 --> 00:39:09,094 Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on, yeah... 749 00:39:09,220 --> 00:39:10,972 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 750 00:39:11,100 --> 00:39:13,853 I've handled this really badly, haven't I? 751 00:39:14,300 --> 00:39:16,814 Come on. Let's go. 752 00:39:20,100 --> 00:39:21,818 Go on, Madge, go on. 753 00:39:25,700 --> 00:39:28,135 Wait a minute. Here we are. 754 00:39:30,220 --> 00:39:31,813 (EXCLAIMING) 755 00:39:36,940 --> 00:39:38,533 Oh, my God, Mick. 756 00:39:40,820 --> 00:39:42,413 MICK: Come on! 757 00:39:43,420 --> 00:39:44,774 I can't stop! 758 00:39:44,900 --> 00:39:46,891 I can't bloody stop! 759 00:39:59,540 --> 00:40:00,860 Amazing! 760 00:40:00,980 --> 00:40:02,698 You all right, Kate? 761 00:40:02,820 --> 00:40:04,049 Martin, I'm going. 762 00:40:04,180 --> 00:40:06,012 We may as well stay, it's nearly finished. 763 00:40:06,140 --> 00:40:09,098 Martin, don't be mean. Kate can go back if she wants to. 764 00:40:09,220 --> 00:40:12,258 I didn't want to say anything, but you do look rather tired. 765 00:40:12,380 --> 00:40:13,654 Is it any wonder? 766 00:40:13,780 --> 00:40:15,817 Flying half way across Europe at the drop of a hat 767 00:40:15,940 --> 00:40:17,738 to bail out your son! 768 00:40:22,340 --> 00:40:23,489 Olé! 769 00:40:23,620 --> 00:40:26,009 My son, your husband, Kate! 770 00:40:26,140 --> 00:40:29,132 My husband from whom I have been separated for eight months! 771 00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:33,652 A fact you would know if you listened to a word anyone ever said to you! 772 00:40:34,060 --> 00:40:36,336 Such incredible grace! 773 00:40:36,460 --> 00:40:38,371 He moves like an animal. 774 00:40:57,620 --> 00:40:59,975 He seems to be looking this way. 775 00:41:16,740 --> 00:41:17,889 I'm going. 776 00:41:18,020 --> 00:41:22,173 I didn't want to come here in the first place to be leered at by... 777 00:41:23,700 --> 00:41:25,976 Oh, my God. Come on, let's go. 778 00:41:26,260 --> 00:41:27,409 Mother... 779 00:41:32,260 --> 00:41:33,739 Kate, hang on. 780 00:41:35,660 --> 00:41:37,458 I'm going back to the Solana. 781 00:41:37,580 --> 00:41:38,809 Mother? 782 00:41:39,180 --> 00:41:41,057 You going to be okay? 783 00:41:41,380 --> 00:41:43,053 - I'll give you a call when I... - Ah! 784 00:41:43,180 --> 00:41:44,500 Oh, my God! 785 00:41:54,020 --> 00:41:54,976 (LAUGHS) 786 00:42:02,700 --> 00:42:04,976 Hiya, I was looking for Geoff. 787 00:42:05,100 --> 00:42:07,933 Oh, I'm afraid he's been arrested. 788 00:42:08,060 --> 00:42:11,098 - What? - Yeah, for wasting police time. 789 00:42:11,700 --> 00:42:15,819 Apparently they caught them that did all the thieving from here. 790 00:42:15,940 --> 00:42:17,578 Just two of them. 791 00:42:17,700 --> 00:42:22,297 No ninja assassins or 7-foot wrestlers. 792 00:42:22,420 --> 00:42:23,615 Oh, God. 793 00:42:23,740 --> 00:42:24,730 (SIGHS) 794 00:42:24,860 --> 00:42:26,658 - I'm sorry. - Hmm. 795 00:42:27,260 --> 00:42:28,819 Will they let him out tonight? 796 00:42:28,940 --> 00:42:30,533 I don't know. 797 00:42:32,740 --> 00:42:35,380 Do you fancy an eggnog in the bar? 798 00:42:35,500 --> 00:42:36,934 Yeah, okay. 799 00:42:39,100 --> 00:42:41,660 Right, how about I get some drinks from Neptune's 800 00:42:41,780 --> 00:42:42,929 and we sit next to the pool? 801 00:42:43,060 --> 00:42:46,894 Perfect. Gavin, I'm so sorry, I should have told you. 802 00:42:48,300 --> 00:42:51,372 You're not just my lover, you're my best friend. 803 00:42:51,500 --> 00:42:54,936 Lover, best friend, and now wicked stepmother. 804 00:42:55,060 --> 00:42:56,494 He really wants to meet you. 805 00:42:56,620 --> 00:42:58,054 Ooh, I'll have to get out my best frock. 806 00:42:58,180 --> 00:43:00,137 He's even talked about living with us. 807 00:43:00,260 --> 00:43:01,330 - Troy... - Yeah? 808 00:43:01,460 --> 00:43:03,178 Don't take the piss. 809 00:43:07,020 --> 00:43:08,658 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 810 00:43:13,220 --> 00:43:15,018 Oh, thank you. 811 00:43:16,180 --> 00:43:17,500 I am Mateo. 812 00:43:18,100 --> 00:43:21,172 And you, you are Dirty Diana from Torrevieja. 813 00:43:21,300 --> 00:43:22,495 Who told you that? 814 00:43:22,620 --> 00:43:24,816 Ah! There are many here who recognise you. 815 00:43:28,420 --> 00:43:30,809 Well, it was a long time ago. 816 00:43:30,940 --> 00:43:34,649 And I think you'll find I'm far too old for you, young man. 817 00:43:34,780 --> 00:43:38,489 But they say you can play a good tune on an old violin, no? 818 00:43:39,220 --> 00:43:42,178 Well, I suppose one last fiddle wouldn't hurt. 819 00:43:48,220 --> 00:43:50,211 Oh, my God! He nearly had her eye out! 820 00:43:56,020 --> 00:43:56,976 Higher! 821 00:43:57,100 --> 00:43:58,135 (MADGE SCREAMING) 822 00:43:58,260 --> 00:44:00,012 Madge! Madge! 823 00:44:00,660 --> 00:44:01,980 Madge! Oh! 824 00:44:02,100 --> 00:44:03,977 (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) 825 00:44:04,100 --> 00:44:05,534 (ALL CHEERING) 826 00:44:13,900 --> 00:44:15,971 - Where did they learn to do that? - They were brilliant. 827 00:44:16,100 --> 00:44:18,489 More! More! Come on!