1
00:00:33,980 --> 00:00:35,254
MATEO: Next.
2
00:00:35,380 --> 00:00:37,530
Two pieces of chicken
and two burgers, love.
3
00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:39,890
No more chicken. Just burgers.
4
00:00:40,260 --> 00:00:42,774
- Okay, two burgers then.
- You?
5
00:00:43,940 --> 00:00:46,773
Two of your finest
mystery meat burgers, please, garçon.
6
00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:49,136
Ooh. Just in the nick of.
7
00:00:50,060 --> 00:00:54,019
Actually, can you make it four burgers
if you've got no chicken?
8
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:57,890
Okay. Sorry. No burgers.
9
00:00:58,540 --> 00:01:01,453
Excuse me, I think you'll find
those two are my burgers.
10
00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:03,571
- She's having four.
- The lady you referred to ordered two,
11
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:06,089
- then I ordered two.
- I'm having four.
12
00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:07,415
Sorry. No burgers.
13
00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:09,656
Now, look, she changed her mind
after I placed my order
14
00:01:09,780 --> 00:01:13,011
- for the two remaining...
- Oh, shut up, whining fatty.
15
00:01:13,180 --> 00:01:16,093
I'm in front of you,
and I've ordered the last four burgers.
16
00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:17,540
I'm sorry, what did you call me?
17
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,492
- She called you "fatty".
- I was asking her!
18
00:01:19,620 --> 00:01:21,497
I called you "fatty".
19
00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:24,729
Have you got a problem with that?
20
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:32,419
Fancy having lovely brown hair
and dying your roots grey!
21
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,818
How's it going?
22
00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:52,171
Yeah. Can't complain.
23
00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:56,255
- Bottle of beer, please.
- Hey, Geoff, how are you?
24
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:58,377
Late night last night?
25
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:01,657
Really early one actually.
26
00:02:01,780 --> 00:02:03,179
Really early.
27
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:06,096
Geoff had a big date last night.
28
00:02:06,220 --> 00:02:07,779
I didn't have a date.
29
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:10,176
Last night in the old town.
30
00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:13,493
Lovely romantic dinner he was having.
31
00:02:13,620 --> 00:02:16,294
It wasn't a romantic dinner. It was...
32
00:02:18,220 --> 00:02:19,858
It was a business meeting.
33
00:02:19,980 --> 00:02:24,178
I must say, we didn't really have you
down as the broad minded type.
34
00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:28,330
Is she pre-op or actually in transition?
35
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:32,820
Oh, God.
36
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:36,691
Bless him, he's gone all shy.
37
00:02:36,820 --> 00:02:40,211
I don't know. Young love makes them
all giddy, don't it?
38
00:02:40,340 --> 00:02:42,092
Right. Sunbeds.
39
00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:49,211
Excuse me, uh, is this seat free?
40
00:02:49,340 --> 00:02:51,377
- Far as I know.
- Oh, cheers.
41
00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:53,497
Bottle of beer, please.
42
00:03:00,020 --> 00:03:03,092
Oh, oh, oh, no, sorry.
I didn't mean to be rude.
43
00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:04,449
Um, are you Mel?
44
00:03:04,580 --> 00:03:06,093
Yeah. Have we met?
45
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,814
- No.
- Well, how do you know who I am?
46
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:10,694
Lucky guess.
47
00:03:10,820 --> 00:03:14,609
Uh, that, and the 30 foot high poster
of you advertising your shop
48
00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:16,890
- as you drive into Benidorm.
- Oh, yeah.
49
00:03:17,020 --> 00:03:18,658
Forgotten about that.
50
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:21,010
How is the mobility business?
51
00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:22,450
Been better.
52
00:03:22,580 --> 00:03:24,617
Yeah, I know how difficult it can be.
53
00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:27,095
- I'm in business meself.
- Oh, yeah.
54
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:28,814
What are you in?
55
00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:30,658
Spanish property.
56
00:03:34,020 --> 00:03:35,169
Really?
57
00:03:35,420 --> 00:03:37,616
- So she got the last four?
- Yes.
58
00:03:37,740 --> 00:03:40,493
- But she only ordered two to begin with?
- Yes, I know.
59
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:42,816
She can't change her order
after you've got the last two.
60
00:03:42,940 --> 00:03:44,613
Are you just going to repeat
everything I've said to you
61
00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:46,219
only in a slightly higher voice?
62
00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:47,694
Greedy cow. Who's she with?
63
00:03:47,820 --> 00:03:50,050
The Costa Blanca Charm School.
How do I know?
64
00:03:50,180 --> 00:03:52,012
All right, no need to bite me head off.
65
00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:54,256
I might have to.
There's nothing else to eat around here.
66
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,134
- What were you looking at?
- Sorry.
67
00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:10,531
You don't have to apologise.
68
00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:15,735
Sorry I'm not very exciting today,
but you really tired me out last night.
69
00:04:15,860 --> 00:04:19,137
I'm sorry about that.
I can witter on, sometimes.
70
00:04:19,980 --> 00:04:22,210
Oh, right, you mean sex-wise.
71
00:04:22,340 --> 00:04:24,490
- Oh, brilliant.
- Yeah.
72
00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:26,133
Did you hear them banging next door?
73
00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:29,139
No. Gosh, sounds like everybody
was at it last night.
74
00:04:29,260 --> 00:04:30,898
Think it was a full moon or something?
75
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:32,499
No. I mean,
they were banging on the wall
76
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:33,690
for us to keep the noise down.
77
00:04:33,820 --> 00:04:36,175
Oh, I see. Excellent.
78
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,816
Well, they don't call me...
79
00:04:40,820 --> 00:04:43,699
"Loud Sex" Martin for nothing, you know.
80
00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:45,254
(CHUCKLING)
81
00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:52,538
They don't really call me that,
you know.
82
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,731
I didn't think they did.
83
00:04:58,380 --> 00:05:00,132
Do you have to, the pair of you?
84
00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:01,455
Mmm...
85
00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:03,332
Leave us alone, we're on holiday.
86
00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:09,614
You all right, mam?
87
00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:12,380
No, I'm not. I'm very loose.
88
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:13,490
(BOTH GROANING)
89
00:05:13,620 --> 00:05:15,133
Well, don't spare us
any details, will you?
90
00:05:15,260 --> 00:05:16,580
It's freezing in there.
91
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:18,418
There you are.
Look, your towel's down there.
92
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:21,817
Hey, Telle, turn Coolio around.
I can't see him.
93
00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:25,609
(EXCLAIMING) Just look at him.
94
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:29,218
I don't think I've ever seen
a more beautiful baby.
95
00:05:29,340 --> 00:05:32,810
Oh, you obviously haven't seen
pictures of me as a baby, then.
96
00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:34,898
You were never a bonnie baby.
97
00:05:35,020 --> 00:05:36,772
- Thanks.
- Your head was too big.
98
00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:38,220
We used to get stopped in the street.
99
00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:40,138
People didn't know what to make of you.
100
00:05:40,260 --> 00:05:42,137
- Hat stand?
- I used to say to them,
101
00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:45,139
"There's nothing wrong with her,
she'll grow into it."
102
00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:47,014
And she did.
103
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:49,737
Big feet as well, for a child.
104
00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:51,771
Why don't we try for another baby?
105
00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:53,379
I wouldn't mind how big its head was.
106
00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:54,774
Another baby?
107
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,289
Yeah, that's just what we need
right now.
108
00:05:57,420 --> 00:05:59,980
I didn't say have another baby.
I just said try for one.
109
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:01,932
(BOTH LAUGHING) Stop it.
110
00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:04,336
She'll never be able to have
another baby at her age.
111
00:06:04,460 --> 00:06:06,531
And if she does, it'll be
"Good night, Irene"
112
00:06:06,660 --> 00:06:08,697
to all her woman's bits downstairs.
113
00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:10,493
Oh, for God's sake.
114
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:13,499
What are you fiddling
about with, Michael?
115
00:06:14,380 --> 00:06:16,053
I'm just looking at your scooter.
116
00:06:16,180 --> 00:06:18,774
Well, don't. It's not a toy, you know.
Go on.
117
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,379
Get out of me road.
118
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,093
I was only looking.
119
00:06:22,220 --> 00:06:24,416
Come and sit with us, Michael.
120
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:26,579
Although, there's not a lot of room
over here,
121
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:28,691
what with your mother's head
and her feet.
122
00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:29,776
Piss off!
123
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,493
Here, if you want something to do,
124
00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:34,578
go and ask them over there
if they've got anything for the squits.
125
00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:35,690
Okay.
126
00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:37,731
Do you know, you should run
holidays for kids, Madge.
127
00:06:37,860 --> 00:06:40,739
You really know how
to keep them entertained.
128
00:06:46,460 --> 00:06:48,212
Listen, Brandy, um...
129
00:06:51,060 --> 00:06:52,209
What?
130
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,573
Well, I just wanted to say,
131
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:57,340
and don't get me wrong,
I like a bit of the old rumpy-pumpy
132
00:06:57,460 --> 00:07:00,054
as much as the next man, but, um...
133
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:01,655
Go on.
134
00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:05,774
Well, I don't want this
to sound corny or sad, but...
135
00:07:07,780 --> 00:07:09,054
Brandy,
136
00:07:11,460 --> 00:07:13,576
I'm really falling for you.
137
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:15,772
- Really?
- Yes.
138
00:07:16,260 --> 00:07:17,489
Really.
139
00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:21,813
Well, I fell for you
the moment I saw you.
140
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:24,177
So it's nice to hear
you're finally catching up.
141
00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:25,529
(CHUCKLING)
142
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:30,018
Excuse me, erm, me nana said
have you got anything for the squits?
143
00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:41,096
Oh, it's absolutely ridiculous.
144
00:07:41,220 --> 00:07:44,019
- You can order a sandwich.
- I don't want a sandwich.
145
00:07:44,580 --> 00:07:46,730
It is a bit weird.
When there's been a barbeque before,
146
00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:48,498
it's always been on all afternoon.
147
00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:50,611
It's only just gone 2:00.
148
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:55,814
Look, he's back.
I'm going to sort this out.
149
00:07:55,940 --> 00:07:57,453
Oh, don't argue with him, Gavin.
150
00:07:57,580 --> 00:07:59,935
Let's just go to the Chinese buffet
across the road.
151
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:01,892
- Six euros.
- Six euros?
152
00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:04,899
Haven't you heard
there's a credit crunch?
153
00:08:10,260 --> 00:08:11,694
Excuse me, has the barbeque finished?
154
00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:12,935
Sí, finished.
155
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,971
But you can still order a salad
from the bar.
156
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,456
Oh, yes, of course, salad. That staple
of every Benidorm holidaymaker's diet.
157
00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:19,900
Come on, let's go over the road.
158
00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:21,454
I've not paid
for an all-inclusive holiday
159
00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:23,332
for everything to be all-inclusive
except the food.
160
00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:26,054
You didn't pay for anything,
the holiday was free.
161
00:08:26,180 --> 00:08:28,171
- How many burgers did you want?
- Just two.
162
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:31,691
There's a woman over there.
She took four but she's only eat two.
163
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:33,857
Ask her you can have them.
164
00:08:34,940 --> 00:08:36,931
Oh, right. That does it.
165
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,857
I don't know why
I'm still picking, I'm full.
166
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:44,733
We shouldn't have had
such a big breakfast.
167
00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:46,055
So after all that whining,
168
00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:48,410
you didn't actually want
the other two burgers.
169
00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:49,769
What is your problem?
170
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,254
I'll tell you my problem.
171
00:08:51,380 --> 00:08:53,257
Some little piggy with eyes
bigger than her belly,
172
00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:55,451
if that's possible,
obviously thinks there's a war on.
173
00:08:55,580 --> 00:08:57,969
And she has to stockpile food
she has no intention of eating!
174
00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:00,011
Oh, stick it up your arse.
175
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,734
It's unbelievable. Her son didn't even
finish the first one.
176
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:05,500
- That's my husband!
- (CHUCKING) Husband? Sorry.
177
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:07,338
Yeah. What's it got to do with you?
178
00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:09,019
Extremely loyal husband, it would seem,
179
00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:12,735
the way he's courageously jumped
to your defence. Oh, no, my mistake.
180
00:09:12,860 --> 00:09:15,010
He's just sitting there
like a rather embarrassed child!
181
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:17,211
He doesn't speak English!
182
00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:19,729
I think you'll find he probably does.
183
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,295
He's just never been able
to get a word in edgeways.
184
00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:25,299
Here. Here's your burger,
you big fat poof!
185
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,694
You bitch! How dare you!
186
00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:29,810
(BOTH YELLING)
187
00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:31,294
MAN: Ladies, come on now, break it up.
188
00:09:31,420 --> 00:09:33,809
- GAVIN: You old Jabba the Hutt!
- Get off my husband!
189
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:34,930
You bitch!
190
00:09:35,060 --> 00:09:36,380
- Get off me you big...
- GAVIN: Witch!
191
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:39,891
(BOTH YELLING)
192
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:42,132
GAVIN: How dare you!
193
00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:46,413
That's enough! Right.
I don't want to hear another peep
194
00:09:46,540 --> 00:09:50,329
out of either of you two,
or you're barred. Do you understand?
195
00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,374
(SCOFFING)
196
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,899
Come on, Gav.
197
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,259
TROY: Hey, rise above it.
198
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:59,611
Come on, move away.
There's nothing to see here.
199
00:09:59,780 --> 00:10:01,532
Please, go back to where you came from.
200
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:03,412
The show is over.
201
00:10:04,580 --> 00:10:07,254
Oh, my God!
202
00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:11,611
You know this woman?
203
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,818
You could say that.
204
00:10:16,140 --> 00:10:17,813
She's my daughter.
205
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:22,849
(SIGHING)
206
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:29,213
Who told you we were here?
207
00:10:29,340 --> 00:10:30,535
What do you mean, "told me"?
208
00:10:30,660 --> 00:10:32,492
If I'd have known you were here,
this is the last place
209
00:10:32,620 --> 00:10:34,850
I would have come to.
Are you all right, Mick?
210
00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:37,813
Bloody hell! All right, Valda.
What are you doing here?
211
00:10:37,940 --> 00:10:40,056
- Hello, Chantelle.
- Hello.
212
00:10:40,980 --> 00:10:42,732
That's never our Michael?
213
00:10:42,860 --> 00:10:44,737
Michael, say hello to your Auntie Valda.
214
00:10:44,860 --> 00:10:46,533
Hi, Auntie Valda.
215
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:47,690
What are you doing here?
216
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:49,379
What do you think I'm doing here?
We're on holiday.
217
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,059
- We?
- Yes, we.
218
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:52,978
This is my husband.
219
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:55,138
- Vikram.
- Your husband?
220
00:10:55,260 --> 00:10:56,216
Mother...
221
00:10:56,340 --> 00:10:57,739
What's his name? Vicky?
222
00:10:57,860 --> 00:10:59,612
Vikram. He's Indian.
223
00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:02,011
I didn't think he was bloody Polish.
224
00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:04,609
And this must be your fancy man.
I've heard all about him.
225
00:11:04,740 --> 00:11:06,572
This is my husband.
226
00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:08,175
Excuse me.
227
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:10,291
Can you take your episode
of The Jerry Springer Show
228
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,570
somewhere else,
as you're causing a bottleneck?
229
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:15,340
Look, why don't we go
for a cup of tea inside?
230
00:11:15,460 --> 00:11:17,849
You can leave Vicky here
to play with Michael.
231
00:11:17,980 --> 00:11:20,096
They're about the same age.
232
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:22,374
Right, that's it. Come on, we're going.
233
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,776
This is exactly what I've been avoiding
234
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:25,970
for the last five years!
235
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,296
Hang on, Valda. Wait a minute.
236
00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:35,689
Beer?
237
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,174
Absolutely!
238
00:11:40,460 --> 00:11:43,100
What do you reckon all that was about?
239
00:11:43,460 --> 00:11:46,020
I don't know.
Just riff-raff, aren't they?
240
00:11:47,580 --> 00:11:50,811
You've not said much
about your date last night.
241
00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:52,618
I told you, it was all right.
242
00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:55,971
I was speaking to that Scottish fellow
and his wife
243
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,091
in the lift this morning.
244
00:11:58,540 --> 00:12:01,692
Said they bumped into
you and your lady friend.
245
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:03,454
- Oh, aye?
- Yes.
246
00:12:03,740 --> 00:12:05,856
Said you made a very nice couple.
247
00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:08,176
- Did they?
- Said something about her
248
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:10,530
being a bit older than you.
249
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:12,898
And possibly...
250
00:12:13,620 --> 00:12:18,057
Now, I think
the word was "pre-operative".
251
00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:20,970
But don't know what that means.
252
00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:24,898
Look, I met someone on the internet.
253
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:29,536
We met up and she turned out
to be a fella in a dress.
254
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:32,375
All right? Are you happy now?
255
00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:36,057
Oh, son, you know
you can tell me anything.
256
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:37,739
And I didn't tell ya.
257
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:40,858
Because it were a misunderstanding,
all right?
258
00:12:40,980 --> 00:12:44,814
I don't fancy men, and I certainly don't
fancy women who are men.
259
00:12:44,940 --> 00:12:47,534
I mean men who think they're women.
260
00:12:48,260 --> 00:12:50,536
- I mean...
- Your dad was big mates
261
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:52,571
with that Danny La Rue.
262
00:12:53,260 --> 00:12:57,094
We went to see him three times
in Manchester.
263
00:12:57,780 --> 00:12:59,691
I said to your father,
264
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:05,374
"Did you realise it was a fella
in a frock when you first met him?"
265
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:09,939
And he said, "It were 1948,
and I'd just been demobbed
266
00:13:10,060 --> 00:13:14,099
“from the Navy.
I was bound to make a few mistakes."
267
00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:24,459
Oh, he did have a good sense of humour.
268
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:38,899
- Is that him?
- Yeah, that's him. He's in property.
269
00:13:39,020 --> 00:13:42,217
He's over here tying up a few deals,
then he's off tomorrow.
270
00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:46,129
"Marcus Snelling,
Business Intelligence Consultant.”
271
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,179
What does that mean?
272
00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:51,458
It means he's got his fingers
in a lot of pies.
273
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:54,572
So has he. Don't mean
you should buy an house off him.
274
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,373
I told him I wasn't interested.
275
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,457
Never show all your cards at once.
276
00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:00,537
(SIGHING)
I'm supposed to be relaxing today.
277
00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:02,219
But it's hard to switch off.
278
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:04,411
You're like me. A workaholic.
279
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:05,696
(STIFLING A LAUGH)
280
00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:08,096
- You all right?
- Oh, yeah.
281
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,930
My business associate, Mick Garvey.
282
00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:13,779
Nice to meet you, Mick. Marcus Snelling.
283
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:15,379
Yeah, I've heard all about you.
284
00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:17,730
Oh, yeah, you been
talking about me, Mel?
285
00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:19,578
Well, I just mentioned
you were in property.
286
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:21,976
Yeah, it's a real shame
it's not your thing.
287
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,818
I've just heard of another property
available to me,
288
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:27,058
but I've only brought the cash
to secure the one I knew about. Shame.
289
00:14:27,180 --> 00:14:29,854
- It would only take 5,000 euros.
- Ah, well
290
00:14:29,980 --> 00:14:32,256
Life's a bitch and then you die.
291
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:36,849
A 90,000 euro guaranteed profit
for a 5,000 euro stake.
292
00:14:36,980 --> 00:14:39,859
Basically,
it's a licence to print money.
293
00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:42,530
How'd you work them figures out?
294
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,729
I've got this estate agent friend.
295
00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:51,651
No, you're not interested.
296
00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:53,458
No, we're not interested.
297
00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:55,537
Well, hang on here.
You may as well tell us.
298
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:57,856
He deals with a lot of old biddies
that retired out here,
299
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,015
but run out of money.
300
00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:00,972
Now, he offers them
the chance of a lifetime.
301
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,819
Sell your house, but still live in it.
302
00:15:04,220 --> 00:15:05,858
You've got a look of Carol Vorderman.
303
00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:07,698
Anybody ever tell you that?
304
00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:08,855
Go on.
305
00:15:08,980 --> 00:15:11,256
He gives them a ridiculously low
valuation on their house,
306
00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:13,530
but tells them he feels sorry
for their predicament.
307
00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:15,970
And out of the kindness of his heart,
can put them in touch
308
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,694
with a private cash buyer
with no commission to pay,
309
00:15:18,820 --> 00:15:20,970
as long as they don't breathe
a word of this to the agency.
310
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:23,410
Now that is where I come in.
311
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:26,336
What on earth is that smell?
312
00:15:26,540 --> 00:15:29,339
- Oh, yeah. It's bullshit.
- Shut up.
313
00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:34,090
I fly over here, bung the estate agent
five grand, take over the deal.
314
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:40,176
I buy a 200,000 euro house
off a confused little old lady
315
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:41,969
for 60 grand.
316
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,979
I then sell the house
to a big property developer
317
00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,137
the same day for 150 K.
318
00:15:47,540 --> 00:15:49,451
He bites my hand off,
'cause it's still 50 K less
319
00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:51,093
than the full market value.
320
00:15:51,220 --> 00:15:54,338
But he's happy. He's got
another property in his portfolio.
321
00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:58,454
And a sitting tenant
who's not only paying top whack rent
322
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:00,054
but who'll be dead
within a couple of years,
323
00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:03,332
leaving him with a house
worth even more money.
324
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:06,579
- That is unbelievable.
- Yeah. Certainly is.
325
00:16:07,660 --> 00:16:10,891
Why don't the estate agent just
go directly to the property developer?
326
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:14,217
Because the estate agent doesn't know
who the property developer is.
327
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:18,174
He's my contact. Knowledge is everything
in this game, Mel.
328
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,812
You're not considering this, are you?
329
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,260
What's it got to do with you?
330
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:24,859
I thought I was your business associate.
331
00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:26,937
Look, it's not everyone's cup of tea.
332
00:16:27,060 --> 00:16:28,971
You do have to have
fairly flexible morals.
333
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:33,298
Flexible morals? You make Harold Shipman
look like the Flying Doctor.
334
00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:35,411
I've heard enough.
335
00:16:37,140 --> 00:16:39,416
Sorry about him. He's very naive
when it comes to business.
336
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:40,689
(MARCUS CHUCKLES)
337
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:43,336
- Thanks a lot.
- MATEO: Yes.
338
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:49,097
Well, anyway, if you feel like turning
5 grand into 100, you've got my card.
339
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,893
(MARCUS GROANING)
340
00:17:16,860 --> 00:17:18,294
I missed you, babe.
341
00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:19,774
(GIGGLING)
342
00:17:20,580 --> 00:17:21,900
Gary, what are you doing?
343
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:23,499
You weren't supposed
to get here until tomorrow.
344
00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:25,452
I got a cheap flight.
345
00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,015
- How's it going?
- Everything's sorted.
346
00:17:28,140 --> 00:17:30,575
I've been working on the mark.
He'll give me anything I want.
347
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,293
I bet he will.
348
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:35,894
Anything else?
349
00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:39,490
Yeah. Staff pass key
to every room in the place.
350
00:17:40,380 --> 00:17:43,213
Ooh, you little beauty.
351
00:17:43,340 --> 00:17:44,694
(GIGGLING)
352
00:17:45,180 --> 00:17:46,579
(GARY MOANING)
353
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:48,054
(LIFT DINGS)
354
00:17:59,420 --> 00:18:01,331
So when did you arrive?
355
00:18:01,460 --> 00:18:03,895
We got off the plane
about 11:00 this morning.
356
00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:05,658
Plane from where?
357
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:07,930
You don't change, do you, eh?
358
00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:10,700
You're still the same nasty racist
old bag you always were.
359
00:18:10,820 --> 00:18:13,255
What are you talking about?
I just asked where you flew from.
360
00:18:13,380 --> 00:18:14,973
How do you put up with it?
361
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:16,534
How can I be a racialist?
362
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,219
You've seen Telle's little 'un.
363
00:18:18,340 --> 00:18:20,729
Anyway, there's no point
trying to avoid them these days.
364
00:18:20,860 --> 00:18:22,294
They're everywhere.
365
00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:23,774
(SIGHING)
366
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:26,096
Did you meet in Manchester?
367
00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:27,729
No.
368
00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:30,051
I was on holiday in India.
369
00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:31,853
We met in Varanasi.
370
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,732
That's where Vikram's family are from.
371
00:18:33,860 --> 00:18:35,214
Oh, right.
372
00:18:35,780 --> 00:18:37,578
You went to India?
373
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:39,773
- Yeah.
- For an holiday?
374
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,049
- Yes.
- To India?
375
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:43,296
Is she losing her hearing
as well as the use of her legs?
376
00:18:43,420 --> 00:18:44,740
There's nothing wrong with me legs.
377
00:18:44,860 --> 00:18:46,294
Well, what are you doing
in that wheelchair, then?
378
00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:48,570
Why should I walk around?
I'm on me holidays.
379
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:50,611
I'm entitled to take it easy.
380
00:18:50,740 --> 00:18:53,812
So, can he not speak any English at all?
381
00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:56,694
I feel awful talking about him
as if he's not here.
382
00:18:56,820 --> 00:19:00,575
No, he can say "hello" and "goodbye"
and "please" and “thank you".
383
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:01,735
Thank you.
384
00:19:01,860 --> 00:19:04,579
Ooh, you'll be teaching him
to ride a bike next.
385
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:06,771
But what are we doing here, eh?
386
00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:08,857
I mean, I don't like her.
She doesn't like me.
387
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:10,573
So what is the point?
388
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,816
We don't have to keep on
bumping into each other.
389
00:19:12,940 --> 00:19:15,534
We're only using this as a cheap base
to do some sightseeing.
390
00:19:15,660 --> 00:19:17,298
Not gonna be using the facilities here.
391
00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:18,854
Sightseeing, around here?
392
00:19:18,980 --> 00:19:20,937
Yeah, what about that waterfall place
we went to?
393
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:23,370
- That was lovely.
- Waste of time.
394
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:26,618
Which is exactly what this is.
Come on, Vikram.
395
00:19:27,660 --> 00:19:31,449
Well, that's it. Piss off and abandon me
like you did before.
396
00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:33,975
Abandon you? Are you joking?
397
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:37,214
Bit of a coincidence
that you have been abandoned
398
00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:41,049
by me, Jackie, Cheryl, Mandy,
Sharon and Maureen.
399
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:45,015
People don't abandon you, mother.
You drive them away.
400
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:47,696
I know why you're sniffing around here.
401
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,653
You've caught wind
of my husband's money, haven't you?
402
00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:52,691
Well, you can go and whistle for it.
403
00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:54,777
I'll make sure you never get a penny.
404
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:58,370
And if Mel dies before me,
I'll leave it all to the dog's home.
405
00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:01,891
I would not take your money
if I was on the bones of me arse.
406
00:20:02,020 --> 00:20:05,138
Which is highly unlikely,
as I'm a landlord with 14 houses
407
00:20:05,260 --> 00:20:06,694
and Vikram's gonna be a doctor.
408
00:20:06,820 --> 00:20:10,097
A doctor? What kind of a doctor?
A bloody witch doctor?
409
00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:12,411
He doesn't speak any English.
410
00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:13,610
Bus!
411
00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:16,009
Bus.
412
00:20:17,660 --> 00:20:18,809
Bus.
413
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,135
Where's he want to get a bus to?
414
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,898
It means “enough”.
415
00:20:25,220 --> 00:20:27,530
And frankly, I think he's got a point.
416
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:29,338
VALDA: Come on.
417
00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:38,418
Very difficult smell
to get out of furniture.
418
00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:40,209
Curry.
419
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:51,210
Do you know it's Derek's opening gala
420
00:20:51,340 --> 00:20:54,856
for the Middlesborough Bisexual Leather
and Rubber Ball tonight.
421
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:57,776
Well, we knew that
when we took the holiday.
422
00:20:57,900 --> 00:21:01,211
Such a shame. It'll be the first time
we miss Gay Derek's opening
423
00:21:01,340 --> 00:21:03,490
since the late '80s.
424
00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:05,577
I wonder how he's getting on.
425
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:07,418
Oh, why don't you give him a ring?
426
00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:10,373
What, at 35 pence a minute?
427
00:21:10,780 --> 00:21:13,852
Oh, yeah. Mind you,
the holiday was free.
428
00:21:14,060 --> 00:21:15,494
That's hardly the point.
429
00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:17,816
Uh, excuse me,
I hope you don't think me rude,
430
00:21:17,940 --> 00:21:19,499
but I couldn't help overhearing.
431
00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:22,658
Were you talking about using
your UK mobile to phone home?
432
00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:25,010
Yes, it's hellishly expensive.
433
00:21:25,180 --> 00:21:27,615
I think we'll stick to postcards.
434
00:21:27,740 --> 00:21:29,731
Well, have you ever thought
about getting your phone chipped?
435
00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:31,771
- Chipped?
- Yeah, it's not exactly legal
436
00:21:31,900 --> 00:21:33,379
but it does save you a lot of money.
437
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:34,820
Oh, yes?
438
00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:36,209
May I?
439
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:40,449
Oh!
440
00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:42,374
Is there something wrong?
441
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:44,332
Well, I don't believe it.
This is a C260.
442
00:21:44,460 --> 00:21:46,371
I've not seen one of these for years.
443
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:47,979
It's quite old.
444
00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:50,376
You, my friends,
are in the possession of gold dust.
445
00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:52,173
How do you mean?
446
00:21:55,780 --> 00:21:57,612
I'm in the mobile phone business.
447
00:21:57,740 --> 00:22:00,619
I was gonna offer to chip your phone
for cheap calls,
448
00:22:00,740 --> 00:22:03,209
but this phone, this is the only mobile
449
00:22:03,340 --> 00:22:06,332
you can still completely
bypass the network.
450
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:09,098
You've lost us.
451
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:12,174
I can alter this phone for a few quid
to get completely free calls
452
00:22:12,300 --> 00:22:13,449
anywhere in the world.
453
00:22:13,580 --> 00:22:15,571
I'll buy this phone off you
for 100 euros.
454
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:17,179
Oh, we've got two of them!
455
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,769
(GARY LAUGHING) Great!
100 euros a piece.
456
00:22:19,900 --> 00:22:21,538
Hang on, hang on.
457
00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:24,652
200 euros for rare phones
you can get unlimited
458
00:22:24,780 --> 00:22:27,010
free international calls from?
459
00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:30,334
We're not as green
as we're cabbage-looking.
460
00:22:30,460 --> 00:22:32,178
But you don't know how to alter them.
461
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:34,098
Knowledge is everything in this game.
462
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:36,860
I'm sure we'll find somebody
back home that can do it.
463
00:22:36,980 --> 00:22:40,769
The internet's not just
for hardcore pornography, you know.
464
00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:43,816
I tell you what.
Over here, they charge you, what,
465
00:22:43,940 --> 00:22:45,499
30 euros each to get them done.
466
00:22:45,620 --> 00:22:47,019
(CHUCKLING)
That's if you can find someone
467
00:22:47,140 --> 00:22:48,574
to do them for you.
468
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:50,816
I'll do them both for you for 60 euros.
469
00:22:50,940 --> 00:22:53,170
- Oh, yes, please!
- 50.
470
00:22:54,860 --> 00:22:57,613
Ooh, you drive a hard bargain.
471
00:22:58,020 --> 00:23:00,694
Oh, all right, you got yourself a deal.
472
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:03,773
And a receipt.
473
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:05,699
Naturally.
474
00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:11,530
Received, two C260s
475
00:23:12,340 --> 00:23:14,013
and 50 euros
476
00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:17,294
for, let's call it, a, um, repair?
477
00:23:18,780 --> 00:23:20,657
Signed. There you go.
478
00:23:21,380 --> 00:23:23,098
Well, I think that seems to be in order.
479
00:23:23,220 --> 00:23:25,973
Right. I'll get these phones back to you
by tonight then.
480
00:23:26,100 --> 00:23:27,932
We'll be at Neptune's.
481
00:23:28,580 --> 00:23:31,459
Oh, oh, yeah, Neptune's.
Yeah, of course.
482
00:23:32,140 --> 00:23:33,699
Oh, lovely!
483
00:23:34,260 --> 00:23:37,696
"Ray Crosby. Crosby Communications."
484
00:23:38,020 --> 00:23:40,773
He describes the phones as gold dust
and then offers us
485
00:23:40,900 --> 00:23:42,811
100 euros each for them.
486
00:23:43,060 --> 00:23:46,530
He'll have to do better than that
to pull the wool over my eyes.
487
00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:48,139
Oh, yes!
488
00:24:00,180 --> 00:24:01,932
Oh, you're here.
489
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:04,498
Been looking for you.
490
00:24:08,620 --> 00:24:10,736
Michael, are you all right?
491
00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:16,371
How come I keep meeting aunties
I didn't know I had?
492
00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:20,856
Because, me nana doesn't
really talk to them.
493
00:24:21,740 --> 00:24:24,209
But aren't they nana's daughters?
494
00:24:24,340 --> 00:24:25,489
Yeah.
495
00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:28,810
And the aunties are me mam's...
496
00:24:28,940 --> 00:24:30,294
Sisters.
497
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:35,658
But if the aunties are me mam's sisters,
498
00:24:35,780 --> 00:24:38,818
then how come they don't
talk to me mam either?
499
00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:46,618
Well, they don't talk to me mam
'cause she talks to me nana.
500
00:24:46,940 --> 00:24:49,739
- That's stupid.
- Tell me about it.
501
00:24:50,260 --> 00:24:52,820
So why don't you talk to Coolio's dad?
502
00:24:52,940 --> 00:24:54,772
Has that got anything
to do with me nana?
503
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:57,540
(CHUCKLES) Unbelievably, no.
504
00:24:59,300 --> 00:25:02,850
I don't understand why everybody
can't just be friends.
505
00:25:04,060 --> 00:25:06,574
Well, it seems like they can't.
506
00:25:07,180 --> 00:25:09,137
Not while me nana's alive, anyway.
507
00:25:09,260 --> 00:25:12,059
Hmm. Well, that means
nobody's ever gonna be friends,
508
00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:14,694
'cause me nana's gonna live forever.
509
00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:16,857
(LAUGHS) Who told you that?
510
00:25:16,980 --> 00:25:18,209
Me nana.
511
00:25:23,820 --> 00:25:26,209
She's always been trouble, Valda.
512
00:25:26,820 --> 00:25:29,050
Always had ideas above her station.
513
00:25:29,180 --> 00:25:31,649
She says she's got 14 houses.
514
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:34,454
Jesus. I knew she had a few, but not 14.
515
00:25:34,860 --> 00:25:36,214
How did you know she had houses?
516
00:25:36,340 --> 00:25:37,489
She went out with Graham Reed for a bit
517
00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:39,930
after she divorced what's-his-name.
Barry.
518
00:25:40,060 --> 00:25:43,690
No wonder Barry buggered off
if she was carrying on with Pakistanis.
519
00:25:43,820 --> 00:25:46,289
- That lad was Indian.
- I know.
520
00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:48,172
And she wasn't carrying on
with the Indian lad
521
00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:50,098
when she got a divorce from Barry.
522
00:25:50,220 --> 00:25:52,939
Mick's just said, she was
carrying on with Graham Reed.
523
00:25:53,060 --> 00:25:55,131
Who the frig's Graham Reed?
524
00:25:55,260 --> 00:25:56,853
Friend of Mick's from rugby.
525
00:25:56,980 --> 00:26:00,450
Married to Jean Reed.
Used to be Jean Burger.
526
00:26:00,580 --> 00:26:02,332
I can't listen to any more of this.
527
00:26:02,460 --> 00:26:03,939
Turning my brains to jelly.
528
00:26:04,060 --> 00:26:06,973
- All right. I'll come with you.
- No, you're all right.
529
00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:10,616
I just want to stretch my legs.
Might have a shower, it's a bit hot.
530
00:26:11,300 --> 00:26:13,860
- See you later, Mel.
- I know what he means about the weather.
531
00:26:13,980 --> 00:26:16,733
This hot sun isn't doing anything
for my diarrhoea.
532
00:26:16,860 --> 00:26:18,612
Oh, for God's sake.
533
00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:21,736
I'm off on a drinks run. Same again?
534
00:26:22,260 --> 00:26:24,137
- Aye.
- Yes, please.
535
00:26:24,260 --> 00:26:26,615
Madge? Another prune juice?
536
00:26:26,740 --> 00:26:27,855
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
537
00:26:27,980 --> 00:26:29,175
(GROANS)
538
00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:42,453
- One beer.
- Ah, gracias!
539
00:26:44,580 --> 00:26:46,969
- I used to be a barman, you know.
- Yes?
540
00:26:47,100 --> 00:26:49,296
Yeah. Hard work but great fun.
541
00:26:49,660 --> 00:26:52,732
I err.. used to do
a bit of magic behind the bar.
542
00:26:52,900 --> 00:26:54,937
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
543
00:26:55,060 --> 00:26:57,449
- You know magic?
- Absolutely.
544
00:26:58,420 --> 00:26:59,899
Do one thing for me.
545
00:27:00,020 --> 00:27:01,693
Oh, I don't really do it any more.
546
00:27:01,820 --> 00:27:05,450
One second. I find for you...
547
00:27:06,780 --> 00:27:07,770
There.
548
00:27:07,900 --> 00:27:10,096
No, no.
I haven't done anything for ages.
549
00:27:10,220 --> 00:27:12,416
(SCOFFS) Yeah, okay.
550
00:27:12,540 --> 00:27:14,292
Hang on a minute.
551
00:27:25,860 --> 00:27:27,339
Pick a card.
552
00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:32,738
Okay. Look at it.
553
00:27:33,980 --> 00:27:35,891
Put it back in the pack.
554
00:27:37,100 --> 00:27:38,249
All right.
555
00:27:38,380 --> 00:27:40,690
Wait. I shuffle.
556
00:27:40,820 --> 00:27:44,211
(LAUGHS) You're not making this
easy for me, are you?
557
00:27:46,340 --> 00:27:47,739
(WHISTLING)
558
00:27:52,140 --> 00:27:56,611
Right.
Now, I am going to find your card.
559
00:28:02,220 --> 00:28:05,053
Right, now. I bet you one euro
560
00:28:05,180 --> 00:28:08,457
the next card that I turn over
will be your card.
561
00:28:09,460 --> 00:28:11,531
- One euro?
- Yes. Sportsman's bet.
562
00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:17,533
Maybe we can make the bet
more interesting.
563
00:28:18,660 --> 00:28:21,095
-Ten euros?
- Well, I don't know about that.
564
00:28:21,220 --> 00:28:24,292
Come on!
You said you were a magician, no?
565
00:28:24,420 --> 00:28:26,934
Oh, all right.
566
00:28:29,540 --> 00:28:31,497
Oh, hang on, that's a 50.
567
00:28:32,820 --> 00:28:36,734
- You have placed the bet.
- Oh, you're too quick for me, mate.
568
00:28:38,060 --> 00:28:41,257
I'll tell you what. I'm feeling lucky.
569
00:28:41,980 --> 00:28:44,256
Do you feel like making it 100?
570
00:28:47,420 --> 00:28:50,253
The next card you turn over
has to be my card.
571
00:28:50,380 --> 00:28:53,054
I bet you 100 euros
572
00:28:53,180 --> 00:28:56,571
the next card that I turn over
will be your card.
573
00:28:57,580 --> 00:28:58,729
Okay.
574
00:29:03,140 --> 00:29:05,370
This is all the money I have.
575
00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:07,013
Here we go, then.
576
00:29:07,140 --> 00:29:08,369
(HUMMING)
577
00:29:12,740 --> 00:29:14,538
- What?
- Ace of Hearts. Your card.
578
00:29:14,660 --> 00:29:16,219
But no, I thought you had...
579
00:29:16,340 --> 00:29:19,458
Oh, knowledge is everything
in this game, señor.
580
00:29:21,020 --> 00:29:22,169
Oh!
581
00:29:23,660 --> 00:29:25,571
Now that's what I call a woman.
582
00:29:25,700 --> 00:29:28,374
Yeah. She's very noisy in bed, though.
583
00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:30,218
She certainly...
584
00:29:34,580 --> 00:29:35,854
(GROANS)
585
00:29:49,460 --> 00:29:50,780
- Hello.
- Hiya.
586
00:29:50,900 --> 00:29:53,858
Me nana said can she have some more
of them diarrhoea tablets?
587
00:29:53,980 --> 00:29:55,573
I'm sorry,
my friend's not here at the moment.
588
00:29:55,700 --> 00:29:56,735
But her bag's here.
589
00:29:56,860 --> 00:29:58,658
Yes, but I can't go through
someone else's bag
590
00:29:58,780 --> 00:30:00,054
without them there.
591
00:30:00,180 --> 00:30:02,012
Why not? My nana does it all the time.
592
00:30:02,140 --> 00:30:03,096
Yes, well, I'm sorry,
593
00:30:03,220 --> 00:30:05,097
but I can't do anything about it
until she gets back.
594
00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:07,973
But my nana says
she's gonna shit herself.
595
00:30:09,700 --> 00:30:10,929
Please!
596
00:30:14,540 --> 00:30:17,931
- No, nothing here.
- What about that bit with the zip?
597
00:30:18,580 --> 00:30:21,174
I'm really not comfortable doing this.
598
00:30:23,260 --> 00:30:25,251
There! There's some there.
599
00:30:40,820 --> 00:30:43,858
- Where's old ploppy pants?
- She couldn't move fast enough.
600
00:30:43,980 --> 00:30:48,451
If this keeps up, she'll have to ask Mel
to get that scooter turbocharged.
601
00:30:49,700 --> 00:30:51,691
- Where's me nana?
- Too late, son.
602
00:30:51,820 --> 00:30:53,413
She was off like a robber's dog.
603
00:30:53,540 --> 00:30:55,133
I got her these tablets.
604
00:30:55,260 --> 00:30:58,412
These'll work.
They've got smiley faces on them.
605
00:30:58,540 --> 00:31:01,259
Oh, yeah? I'll give them to her later.
606
00:31:04,020 --> 00:31:06,739
Hang on a minute.
Do you know what these are?
607
00:31:06,860 --> 00:31:08,897
They're diarrhoea tablets.
608
00:31:09,820 --> 00:31:11,697
Oh, yeah. So they are.
609
00:31:27,900 --> 00:31:30,699
Bloody hell!
I think you're in there, Mel.
610
00:31:30,860 --> 00:31:32,214
I was gonna say
I don't fancy yours much,
611
00:31:32,340 --> 00:31:34,138
but mine's not much better.
612
00:31:34,260 --> 00:31:35,853
Oh, give over.
613
00:31:36,100 --> 00:31:37,932
I didn't even notice them.
614
00:31:38,060 --> 00:31:41,576
Unlike you, I don't have a wandering eye
for anything in a dress.
615
00:31:41,700 --> 00:31:45,170
Well, not anything in a dress.
616
00:31:45,700 --> 00:31:48,374
- You all right, Madge?
- I'm fine.
617
00:31:48,980 --> 00:31:50,778
Oh, God, I think the one
with the flower in her hair's
618
00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:52,971
definitely up for it, Mel.
619
00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:54,977
Good job
she's not in an electric wheelchair.
620
00:31:55,100 --> 00:31:57,535
You'd have been over there
like a rat up a drainpipe!
621
00:31:57,660 --> 00:32:00,049
It may come as a surprise to you
as you sit there leering,
622
00:32:00,180 --> 00:32:02,649
but it's quite possible to communicate
with the opposite sex
623
00:32:02,780 --> 00:32:05,579
without viewing them as sexual objects.
624
00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:09,655
You see? You don't have to...
625
00:32:09,780 --> 00:32:11,498
Jesus Christ! It's a fella!
626
00:32:11,860 --> 00:32:13,134
(CACKLING)
627
00:32:13,700 --> 00:32:15,418
Why didn't you tell me it was a bloke?
628
00:32:15,540 --> 00:32:19,932
Don't worry. I'm sure he's not
viewing you as a sexual object.
629
00:32:21,340 --> 00:32:25,573
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
The first karaoke cab off the rank is
630
00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:27,379
young Michael Garvey.
631
00:32:27,500 --> 00:32:29,491
Hey! That's you! Go on!
632
00:32:29,940 --> 00:32:32,580
Go on! Good on, son!
633
00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:43,540
That fella's still looking at you, Mel.
634
00:32:43,660 --> 00:32:45,492
- Bloody disgusting.
- What is?
635
00:32:45,620 --> 00:32:47,850
I pride myself on being
very open-minded,
636
00:32:47,980 --> 00:32:49,732
but if there's one thing
that's out of order,
637
00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:51,897
it's men pretending to be women.
638
00:32:52,020 --> 00:32:53,374
Men should be men,
639
00:32:53,500 --> 00:32:55,889
not prancing around
like a bunch of nancies.
640
00:32:56,020 --> 00:32:56,976
Hear, hear.
641
00:32:57,100 --> 00:32:59,535
(BIG SPENDER INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
642
00:33:04,340 --> 00:33:07,298
643
00:33:07,580 --> 00:33:10,618
a man of distinction
644
00:33:10,740 --> 00:33:12,856
645
00:33:13,420 --> 00:33:16,412
646
00:33:16,700 --> 00:33:20,295
what's going on in my mind?
647
00:33:20,420 --> 00:33:22,457
648
00:33:23,420 --> 00:33:27,095
for every guy I see
649
00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:31,089
650
00:33:32,940 --> 00:33:38,060
651
00:33:39,140 --> 00:33:42,132
They put their names down early
for it these days, don't they?
652
00:33:42,260 --> 00:33:45,491
- You don't think he is, do you?
- No.
653
00:33:45,740 --> 00:33:47,094
When I was his age,
I listened to nothing
654
00:33:47,220 --> 00:33:49,291
but Shirley Bassey and Judy Garland.
655
00:33:49,580 --> 00:33:52,254
And look at me, an icon of manhood.
656
00:33:52,380 --> 00:33:53,495
That's true.
657
00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:54,696
658
00:33:55,020 --> 00:33:58,411
659
00:33:58,540 --> 00:34:02,534
- He's good, isn't he?
- (LAUGHS) He's a natural.
660
00:34:03,100 --> 00:34:06,297
a man of distinction
661
00:34:06,420 --> 00:34:08,696
We could have a kid, you know.
662
00:34:10,580 --> 00:34:12,696
There's only one thing wrong
with that sentence.
663
00:34:12,820 --> 00:34:15,050
- What's that?
- The words.
664
00:34:15,380 --> 00:34:16,779
We could adopt.
665
00:34:16,900 --> 00:34:19,779
Yes, with only Amy Winehouse
and Vlad the Impaler
666
00:34:19,900 --> 00:34:21,220
before us on the waiting list.
667
00:34:21,340 --> 00:34:22,489
You'd make a great dad.
668
00:34:22,620 --> 00:34:26,136
I'd make a great house burglar
if cat flaps were twice the size.
669
00:34:26,260 --> 00:34:27,455
Twice?
670
00:34:27,580 --> 00:34:28,854
You bitch!
671
00:34:28,980 --> 00:34:33,611
Hey, now! Stop it, stop it, or I'll ask
your friends to come and sit with us.
672
00:34:33,740 --> 00:34:36,937
Oh, hello, we were
going to order the lamb.
673
00:34:37,060 --> 00:34:40,337
Should we just get it sent
straight to your table?
674
00:34:47,580 --> 00:34:48,615
Yeah!
675
00:34:48,740 --> 00:34:50,094
(APPLAUSE)
676
00:34:59,300 --> 00:35:01,337
That were brilliant!
677
00:35:02,540 --> 00:35:05,658
- Did you like it, dad?
- Yeah. it was all right.
678
00:35:08,300 --> 00:35:10,610
Yeah, good. Really good, son.
679
00:35:11,620 --> 00:35:14,339
Hey, how's that girl in your class
that you like?
680
00:35:14,460 --> 00:35:16,133
What's her name? Nicola.
681
00:35:16,260 --> 00:35:17,534
I've gone off her.
682
00:35:17,660 --> 00:35:18,730
- Really?
- Yeah.
683
00:35:18,860 --> 00:35:21,739
I hang around
with her brother now. Steven.
684
00:35:23,820 --> 00:35:25,857
Did you like my song, nana?
685
00:35:27,100 --> 00:35:28,534
I wasn't really listening.
686
00:35:28,660 --> 00:35:30,651
Your nana's not very well, Michael.
687
00:35:30,780 --> 00:35:32,851
Do you want another couple
of them tablets, mam?
688
00:35:32,980 --> 00:35:34,971
Oh, yeah. Pass them over.
689
00:35:35,100 --> 00:35:36,329
You've only just taken two.
690
00:35:36,460 --> 00:35:37,575
(STIFLED LAUGHTER)
691
00:35:37,700 --> 00:35:39,737
What's tickled your fancy?
692
00:35:40,660 --> 00:35:41,855
Nothing.
693
00:35:42,860 --> 00:35:45,056
Can I go say hello to my Auntie Valda?
694
00:35:45,180 --> 00:35:47,490
Typical Sitting there
supping the free booze
695
00:35:47,620 --> 00:35:49,054
after all that rubbish about,
696
00:35:49,180 --> 00:35:51,694
"Oh, we're not going to be
using the facilities here."
697
00:35:51,820 --> 00:35:54,050
I asked her to come here so we can talk.
698
00:35:54,180 --> 00:35:55,853
And there she is,
sitting with her back to us.
699
00:35:55,980 --> 00:35:57,891
That's how much she wants to talk.
700
00:35:58,020 --> 00:36:01,251
- Come on. Let's go over there.
- You can frig off.
701
00:36:01,420 --> 00:36:02,819
I'm staying here.
702
00:36:02,940 --> 00:36:06,695
I think Madge is right.
Let the mountain come to Mohammad.
703
00:36:06,900 --> 00:36:09,335
I thought his name was Vicky.
704
00:36:19,380 --> 00:36:20,893
What're you trying to do to me?
705
00:36:21,020 --> 00:36:22,693
What do you think?
706
00:36:24,020 --> 00:36:27,809
You know, Brandy, I've never been
this happy in my entire life.
707
00:36:27,940 --> 00:36:30,693
- You mean you've never been this drunk?
- And who'd had thought it?
708
00:36:30,820 --> 00:36:34,131
Me, a middle-class,
privately educated bloke
709
00:36:34,260 --> 00:36:36,979
with a, well, let's face it,
highly privileged background,
710
00:36:37,100 --> 00:36:40,172
and you, you, from Liverpool.
711
00:36:40,300 --> 00:36:43,053
I mean, it shouldn't work but it does.
712
00:36:43,940 --> 00:36:46,250
Martin, you know that money
I asked to borrow?
713
00:36:46,380 --> 00:36:48,610
Yeah, yeah,
it's safe somewhere in the apartment.
714
00:36:48,740 --> 00:36:51,016
- Where?
- I've hidden it.
715
00:36:51,140 --> 00:36:53,939
- Yeah, I know, but where?
- I'll tell you tomorrow.
716
00:36:54,060 --> 00:36:56,017
The walls have ears.
717
00:36:56,220 --> 00:36:58,291
- Is it under the bed?
- Yeah.
718
00:37:00,180 --> 00:37:03,013
Listen, I've gotta go for a waz,
719
00:37:03,140 --> 00:37:06,735
but I just want you to know
that I honestly think
720
00:37:06,860 --> 00:37:10,057
that ours was more than
just a chance meeting.
721
00:37:10,660 --> 00:37:13,015
I've never been a big believer in fate,
722
00:37:13,140 --> 00:37:16,132
but I think you came into
my life for a reason.
723
00:37:17,020 --> 00:37:18,897
I couldn't agree more.
724
00:37:54,220 --> 00:37:56,257
(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING)
725
00:38:24,460 --> 00:38:27,213
Excuse me, you haven't seen
that chap in the red Hawaiian shirt
726
00:38:27,340 --> 00:38:29,297
that was near the pool today, have you?
727
00:38:29,420 --> 00:38:31,536
Oh, no, sorry.
728
00:38:33,020 --> 00:38:34,340
No matter.
729
00:38:37,060 --> 00:38:39,700
I can't think who he means, can you?
730
00:38:47,940 --> 00:38:49,499
- All right?
731
00:38:52,180 --> 00:38:54,933
Why don't you just ask her out, son?
732
00:38:55,620 --> 00:38:57,736
'Cause I'm not interested.
733
00:38:57,860 --> 00:39:00,579
You could do a lot worse.
734
00:39:11,020 --> 00:39:13,739
I just think whilst you're here,
it's the perfect opportunity
735
00:39:13,860 --> 00:39:15,373
to build a few bridges.
736
00:39:15,500 --> 00:39:16,570
How are we supposed to do that
737
00:39:16,700 --> 00:39:19,169
when she won't even
come over here to talk to me.
738
00:39:19,300 --> 00:39:21,769
WOMAN ON MIC: Okay, ladies and germs,
739
00:39:21,980 --> 00:39:25,211
next song up tonight is Madge
singing Up, Up and Away.
740
00:39:25,340 --> 00:39:27,058
Let's hear it for Madge!
741
00:39:27,180 --> 00:39:28,136
(APPLAUSE)
742
00:39:28,260 --> 00:39:31,378
Is that me? Are they asking for me?
743
00:39:31,740 --> 00:39:33,174
I don't think you should go, princess,
744
00:39:33,300 --> 00:39:34,813
you don't look right to me.
745
00:39:34,940 --> 00:39:36,851
Are you all right, Madge?
746
00:39:36,980 --> 00:39:41,099
(VOICE DISTORTED) I can see.
I can see everything!
747
00:39:42,300 --> 00:39:45,213
- Madge!
- Oh, my God. Where are you going?
748
00:39:45,340 --> 00:39:47,729
To get the video camera.
I'm not missing this.
749
00:39:47,860 --> 00:39:49,259
Hurry up!
750
00:39:49,780 --> 00:39:52,374
(UP. UP AND AWAY INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
751
00:39:55,780 --> 00:40:01,014
in me beautiful balloon?
752
00:40:01,140 --> 00:40:06,214
in me beautiful balloon?
753
00:40:06,340 --> 00:40:09,617
754
00:40:09,740 --> 00:40:13,893
Oh, we could fly
755
00:40:22,340 --> 00:40:23,694
Oh, shit!
756
00:40:25,540 --> 00:40:27,929
What do you think you're doing?
757
00:40:28,940 --> 00:40:31,580
I said, what do you think you're doing?
758
00:40:32,260 --> 00:40:35,332
Oh, no, you don't. Come here!
Come here. Help!
759
00:40:35,500 --> 00:40:38,299
- Help!
- What's going on?
760
00:40:38,420 --> 00:40:39,774
She's robbing the place!
761
00:40:39,900 --> 00:40:42,733
Don't just stand there,
go and get somebody!
762
00:40:43,260 --> 00:40:44,739
Well, go on!
763
00:40:55,100 --> 00:40:56,579
Oh, fuck!
764
00:40:57,660 --> 00:41:00,459
765
00:41:00,580 --> 00:41:03,698
the stars together
766
00:41:03,820 --> 00:41:09,293
Oh, we could fly
767
00:41:12,580 --> 00:41:16,096
768
00:41:16,220 --> 00:41:18,177
Me nana's gone mad!
769
00:41:18,300 --> 00:41:20,689
I knew she shouldn't have
had a drink with medication.
770
00:41:20,820 --> 00:41:23,812
You've gotta admit,
she's a good mover though.
771
00:41:24,420 --> 00:41:26,252
772
00:41:26,380 --> 00:41:29,213
773
00:41:31,100 --> 00:41:32,818
What are you all doing just sitting here?
774
00:41:32,940 --> 00:41:33,896
What do you mean?
775
00:41:34,020 --> 00:41:35,852
Will someone go
and get her off that stage?
776
00:41:35,980 --> 00:41:39,098
Now, don't be a spoilsport.
She's just getting into her stride.
777
00:41:39,220 --> 00:41:44,249
778
00:41:44,420 --> 00:41:45,740
(WHOOPS)
779
00:41:47,900 --> 00:41:51,530
780
00:41:51,660 --> 00:41:56,973
781
00:41:57,940 --> 00:42:02,013
782
00:42:03,180 --> 00:42:05,456
(SCREAMING)
783
00:42:07,940 --> 00:42:09,578
(CLAMOURING)
784
00:42:11,420 --> 00:42:12,979
JAN: Oh, my God!
785
00:42:56,420 --> 00:42:58,855
(MUFFLED SCREAMS)
786
00:43:07,460 --> 00:43:11,693
What've you been doing?
You just missed the most hilarious...
787
00:43:12,660 --> 00:43:14,856
(SCREAMING)
788
00:43:15,100 --> 00:43:16,454
Oh, my God!
789
00:43:22,660 --> 00:43:25,652
Come on, princess.
You're okay, you're okay.
790
00:43:27,940 --> 00:43:29,260
What the frig is wrong with her?
791
00:43:29,380 --> 00:43:31,735
She's had a bad reaction to something.
Can't you tell?
792
00:43:31,860 --> 00:43:35,455
Yes. I've had a fairly bad reaction
to her jumping on me head!
793
00:43:35,580 --> 00:43:39,255
Look, why don't we all meet up
tomorrow and have a drink?
794
00:43:39,780 --> 00:43:43,774
Are you joking? We are leaving
first thing in the morning.
795
00:43:44,100 --> 00:43:46,296
We thought this place was cheap
when we booked it.
796
00:43:46,420 --> 00:43:49,299
(SOBBING)
We just didn't realise how cheap!
797
00:43:49,780 --> 00:43:51,737
It was nice to meet you.
798
00:43:52,580 --> 00:43:53,979
- You...
- Janice.
799
00:43:54,100 --> 00:43:55,499
...crazy!
800
00:43:56,860 --> 00:43:59,010
All crazy.
801
00:44:03,540 --> 00:44:07,898
Ladies and gentlemen, can all residents
please return to the apartments.
802
00:44:08,340 --> 00:44:11,651
There's been several reported
burglaries in the Solana,
803
00:44:11,780 --> 00:44:15,933
and we require all residents to return
to their accommodation immediately.
804
00:44:16,060 --> 00:44:18,017
- Oh, my God!
- I'll go.
805
00:44:19,940 --> 00:44:21,817
(INDISTINCT CLAMOURING)
806
00:44:24,380 --> 00:44:27,850
I'm sorry, were you asleep? It's Martin.
807
00:44:28,940 --> 00:44:32,171
I'm so sorry. I've been such a fool.
808
00:44:32,700 --> 00:44:34,976
Sorry. Sorry. I'm in Spain.
809
00:44:36,020 --> 00:44:38,091
In Benidorm.
810
00:44:38,220 --> 00:44:39,619
It was free.
811
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:42,494
I've lost everything.
812
00:44:42,620 --> 00:44:44,691
Money, passport, everything.
813
00:44:44,820 --> 00:44:46,493
Everything's been taken.
814
00:44:47,900 --> 00:44:51,734
Kate, I need you. I need you so much.
815
00:44:52,700 --> 00:44:54,179
(WAILING)