1 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,876 - Good morning! - Jesus Christ! 2 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,595 What are you doing sitting on the toilet in the dark? 3 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,600 Well, it starts with "A" and ends with "poo”. 4 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,479 I mean, why haven't you got the light on? 5 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,796 This might come as a surprise to you, Brandy, 6 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,560 but even I can find my bottom in the dark. 7 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,832 I just don't expect someone to be creeping round at 5:00 in the morning. 8 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:36,511 It's actually 6:20 and I can assure you, I haven't done an awful lot of creeping. 9 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,836 Personally, I find when having a poo, 10 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:42,271 being stationary is almost certainly the best option. 11 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,559 - I'm just going to brush my teeth. - Please, don't let me stop you. 12 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,560 Well, aren't you gonna ask me where I've been? 13 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,717 Brandy, in the bar last night, you declared 14 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:03,037 that you didn't intend to be short of male company that evening. 15 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:08,189 You then stayed out all night and have returned seven hours later, 16 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,356 looking like a scarecrow and smelling like an alley cat. 17 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,915 But we are on this holiday together only as friends. 18 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,031 Nothing more. Perhaps not even that now. 19 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,515 So no, I don't wanna know where you've been, 20 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,756 because I really don't care. 21 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,278 You think you're so much better than me, don't you? 22 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,233 Not at all. My marriage has been a failure. 23 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,830 I'm 32, living on my own, 24 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,633 and reduced to taking a holiday in a place 25 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:35,549 I swore I would never return to simply because it was free. 26 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,157 But aside from all this, I still have one remaining attribute, 27 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,716 which I obviously value significantly more than you. 28 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,873 Oh, yeah? What's that? 29 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,070 My dignity. 30 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,429 (FARTING) 31 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:49,716 Excuse me. 32 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,069 (GAGGING) 33 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,717 I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry. 34 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,352 We had the conversation about you being gay. 35 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,520 And you said you were ready to come out. 36 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,793 I'm sure that's how it happened. 37 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:22,080 But I obviously got it wrong, and I'm so sorry. 38 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:26,830 You haven't said a word to me all morning, son. 39 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,514 We can't carry on the rest of our holiday like this. 40 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:37,755 Geoff! 41 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,870 Can you please tell us what this is all about? 42 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,391 - Are we going on a boat, Mel? - All will be revealed. 43 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,871 We're going on a boat! I bet we're going on a boat. 44 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,435 I get seasick if Mel fills the bath too full. 45 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,678 That's all we need, old queasy-chops throwing up all over the place. 46 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,430 She's not joking. Remember that time you booked to go to Ireland on the ferry? 47 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,039 She was sick four times. 48 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,754 And that was just in the travel agent's, thinking about it. 49 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,554 Look, there's some fishermen over there. 50 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:11,593 We'll go on a boat, and you can stay here and play with their flies. 51 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,634 Ooh, I should have never had that liver with me bacon this morning. 52 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:16,909 Onward. 53 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,709 Come on, love, we're going on a boat. 54 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,951 (MADGE EXCLAIMS IN FEAR) 55 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,549 Steady, steady. Here we go. Come on. 56 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,316 Look, your mum's gonna spew. 57 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,278 - Thank you. - Thank you. 58 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,669 Thank you. 59 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:43,915 - Hello. - Hello. 60 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,839 - Is it free? Is it free? - Stop doing that. 61 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,238 - Good morning! - Hola! 62 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,715 - Oh, hello! - Great night, last night. 63 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,229 - Really enjoyed it. - Oh, yes. 64 00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:00,678 We wondered if either of you wanted to come up to the old town with us. 65 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,034 We're all right here, thank you. 66 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,720 Well, we were more thinking of Geoff. 67 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,755 There's a great gay scene in the old town. 68 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:15,431 No! You see I made a bit of a mistake last night and I... 69 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,155 There's a fabulous chubby chaser night 70 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,669 at The Man Hole fun pub. 71 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:26,633 Oh, we know you've lost some weight, but they are very accommodating. 72 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,632 For your information, I am off into the old town tonight. 73 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,639 And the reason I'm going is, I've got a date. 74 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,355 But before you ask, it's not with a man. It's with a woman. 75 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,278 Because for the last time, 76 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,677 I am not gay! 77 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,199 Oh, dear. 78 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,190 Well, I'm no Clement Freud, 79 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:05,793 but it sounds to me as though he's still a little bit in denial. 80 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,352 Morning, Geoff. 81 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:16,878 - Here she is, the belle of the ball. - You disappeared quick last night. 82 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,229 - Don't tell us. 83 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:22,718 You were in a hot, sweaty gay club till the early hours, top off, 84 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,470 punching the air to Kelly Marie with your new-found gay brethren. 85 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:29,877 Then one last rousing chorus of I Am What I Am, 86 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:34,517 tottering home along the Levante beach reeking of Babycham and poppers. 87 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,359 - Look... - No, he's more subtle than that. 88 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,040 I think he went back to his apartment, 89 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,039 threw on a little black off-the-shoulder number 90 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,913 and spent the night miming to Martine McCutcheon's This is My Moment 91 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,713 into a hair brush, in the mirror. 92 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,513 Look, I am not gay. 93 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,157 - We know you're not. - Then why me mother thought... 94 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,476 - You what? - Of course we know you're not gay. 95 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,432 It was a laugh, though, wasn't it? 96 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,836 Me mother telling the whole of Neptune's I was gay 97 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,917 and then singing Y.M.C.A. to me, 98 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,759 while you lot dance around her dressed as the Village People. 99 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,030 Funny bloody sense of humour. 100 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,719 Stupid breeder. 101 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,397 I can't believe he didn't know we were pulling his leg. 102 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,919 Pull it? I don't think I could lift it. 103 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,156 Oh, she's on top form today. 104 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:18,550 I, uh... 105 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:22,469 Have you got that extra key I gave you for your apartment last night? 106 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,432 - Yes. - Can I have it back? 107 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:25,550 Can't I keep it? 108 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,957 Why, planning on locking yourself out again tonight? 109 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:31,589 (SIGHING) 110 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,793 Can I help you? 111 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,630 Is it not working out with your new girlfriend? 112 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,400 I'm sorry, but I fall to see what business that is of yours. 113 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,353 All right, don't get your knickers in a twist. 114 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,393 I can see somebody didn't get any last night. 115 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:50,869 Martin. 116 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,831 I think we need to talk. 117 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,718 No, it's no good, Mel. 118 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,751 You're gonna have to tell them to turn back. 119 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,872 Tell them to turn back? We're nearly there. Look. 120 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,149 Peacock Island. 121 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:18,396 Mam, Coolio's gone green. 122 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,318 We've all gone green. 123 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,070 What the bloody hell are we going to this Peacock Island for anyway? Eh? 124 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,237 What have they got there that we haven't got at the apartments? 125 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,431 - They haven't got anything there. - You what? 126 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,836 All they got on the whole of the island is one restaurant. 127 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:34,032 Well, then what the frig are we going there for? 128 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,875 Mam, me nana's been sick again. 129 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,670 Believe me, it's the business opportunity of a lifetime. 130 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,998 Are you all right, princess? 131 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,157 I told you I was no good on boats. 132 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,112 If I've seen that liver I had for me breakfast once, 133 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,231 I've seen it three times now. 134 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:52,680 Oh, mother. 135 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:55,275 Whoa! 136 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:58,754 (RETCHING) 137 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,393 Fourth time lucky. 138 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,400 Sorry, Mel. 139 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,794 Por favor, grabe su mensaje después de la señal. 140 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,149 (BEEPING) 141 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:24,798 Uh... Hiya, Lesley. Um, it's Geoff, 142 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:28,515 from the, uh, internet chat room thing. 143 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,399 I know that we were going to meet tonight, 144 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,797 but, well, I wondered if you was free today? 145 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,471 We could get a bit of lunch. 146 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,592 And obviously if you're busy, you know, 147 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,917 I'll just see you tonight, but, um... 148 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,193 No, no, you're probably busy. 149 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:47,674 (STAMMERS) I'm busy. 150 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:52,874 Got quite a lot of, you know, admin shit and stuff. 151 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,553 (BEEPING) Um... 152 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:56,950 Shit. 153 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:01,469 Shit. I can't believe it. You sounded like a right dickhead! 154 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,238 Hi, I'm Geoff. 155 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,360 Hi. Geoff. 156 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,832 You must be Lesley? 157 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,798 What? Oh, this hat. 158 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,394 It's just something I picked up in Capri. 159 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,318 Oh, you've never been? 160 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,871 Oh, we must go sometime. 161 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:31,957 - 3 euros. - What? 162 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:33,720 Oh, right. 163 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,880 No, you're all right. Thanks. 164 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,634 (BEEPING) 165 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:47,755 Come on! 166 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,078 Muchas gracias, señor. 167 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,555 Ugh... 168 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,199 Janice, Papa is talking to you, wants to know where we're going. 169 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,754 I don't know where we're going, do I? 170 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,190 What's the idea of going to the top? 171 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,630 (COOLIO CRYING) 172 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,912 It's like that Alfred Hitchcock film, isn't it? 173 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:35,750 (YELLS) 174 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,790 Can't believe we've come all the way here for this. 175 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,911 Planet of the bloody apes. 176 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,680 Believe me, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. 177 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,234 Ooh, I need a drink. 178 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,715 All I can taste is liver and hot chocolate. 179 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,878 - Oh, nice. - Come on, mam, let's get some dinner. 180 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,196 Telle, come on, get Michael, hurry up. 181 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,277 Your nana needs a drink. 182 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,553 What can you see? 183 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,830 Um, not a lot. 184 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,029 Exactly. 185 00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,638 This is the only undeveloped part of Benidorm. 186 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,518 What, you want to build a shop here? 187 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:37,994 Not a shop. 188 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,469 An empire. 189 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,431 Restaurants, cafés, an aqua park, maybe a hotel. 190 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,511 Sod Mel's Mobility Shop. 191 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,357 What about Mel's Island? 192 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,633 Oh, thank God for that. 193 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,114 For a minute there, I thought you were going to say 194 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,311 something completely ridiculous. 195 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,189 (SIGHING) 196 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,790 Julio. Julio. Julio. King of the Latin lovers. 197 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,874 What have you got that I haven't got? 198 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,230 How do you do it? I mean... 199 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,352 I know you got the looks, the money, the fame. 200 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,150 Oh, yeah, that's how you do it. 201 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,070 All I need is an ounce of what you've got, that's all. 202 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,953 I just need a little bit of you inside me. 203 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,273 (CLEARING THROAT) 204 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:40,755 Hiya. 205 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,510 That sounded bad, didn't it? 206 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,478 Is that all you're giving me? 207 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,069 - You want me to give you more? - Yeah. 208 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,791 I asked for a large one. 209 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,072 A very large one. 210 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,836 You're sure you can take it? 211 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,229 Try me. 212 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,279 - Yeah? - Yeah. 213 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,589 Anytime. 214 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,993 (CLICKING TONGUE) 215 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,318 Madre mía! 216 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,196 The problem is, Brandy, I'm finding our time together 217 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,038 on this holiday very confusing. 218 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,754 You're constantly blowing hot and cold. 219 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:55,995 Who are they? 220 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,270 No, I mean I'm getting mixed messages from you. 221 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,198 We arrive here as friends, 222 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,836 and you're coming on to me very strong, then you're staying out all night. 223 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,510 Martin, have you any Idea the last time I had sex? 224 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,233 I don't know. What time is it now? 225 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,670 I last had sex in 2006. 226 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,840 Well, good for you. I'm glad to hear that somebody's getting... 227 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,920 I beg your pardon? 228 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,269 This is all a front. 229 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,677 I've been doing and saying stupid things because... 230 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,679 Well, I like you. 231 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,440 And I'm scared. Scared of getting hurt. 232 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,599 So, where did you stay last night? 233 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,155 I slept on a sofa, in reception. 234 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,556 - Really? - Yeah. 235 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:38,555 Didn't want to come back after all the hurtful things you said to me. 236 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,956 Well, I was a little bit drunk. 237 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,636 A bit drunk? You were arseholed. 238 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:49,714 Anyway, I just think, if we can start being honest with each other, 239 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,229 that this could be the start of something big. 240 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,636 - Really? - Mmm-hmm. 241 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,315 Well, I'll drink to that. 242 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:57,714 (GIGGLING) 243 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,030 (SPITTING) 244 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,231 Jesus Christ! What'd you put in there? 245 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,317 Sorry. That must be mine. 246 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,554 (GIGGLING) 247 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,831 Can't work them two out. 248 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,953 What's to work out? 249 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,673 She's a filthy, freeloading slapper 250 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,997 taking advantage of a wet, spineless mother's boy. 251 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,515 I mean, I know his wife seemed a bit of a misery, but... 252 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,790 I can't see what he sees in her. 253 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,275 I believe they're called breasts. 254 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,195 Yeah. 255 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:54,270 Why have we come all the way here for our dinner? 256 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,198 Don't be ungrateful. It's a nice day out. 257 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,995 Nice day out? I thought me guts were going to turn inside out on that boat. 258 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,270 Yeah? Funny, you seemed to recover just as you were offered 259 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,869 a plate of steak and kidney pudding. 260 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,278 Dad, where's Mel? 261 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,796 Mel? Oh, you mean Donald Trump. 262 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,871 He's over there, looking for the sale of the century. 263 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,954 - Hola. - Hola. 264 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,229 Smoke? 265 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,034 Oh, gracias señor. 266 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,155 Excuse me, señor, I was wondering if I could pick your brains. 267 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:32,270 Brains? 268 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,277 Do you know who the island belongs to? 269 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,356 Sí. 270 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:36,436 Who? 271 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,039 Is, island. 272 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,955 No, I need to know who the island belongs to. 273 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,754 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 274 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,435 Slowly. 275 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,356 Me, build shops, 276 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,677 mall, restaurants, maybe hotel, here. 277 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,235 Build? 278 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,350 Aqui? 279 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,118 - Here? - Yes, here. 280 00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,153 Is no posible. 281 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,474 But why is no posible? 282 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,796 Who does the island belong to? 283 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,749 The island, it belong to the Dovez. 284 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:09,996 The Dovez? 285 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:11,633 Sí. 286 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,398 Who is the Dovez? 287 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:18,993 You want permiso... Permission to build? 288 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,076 Yes. 289 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,474 Is no posible. 290 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,958 Yes, I understand, but who is the Dovez, the boss, the owner? 291 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,357 Peacock Island belong to the Dovez. 292 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,794 Right, I see. 293 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,273 It's not what you know, it's who you know. 294 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,593 Sí. 295 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,519 Oh, uh, could I have one of my cigarettes? 296 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,916 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 297 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,150 Yeah, I thought you'd say that. 298 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,033 Not bad, that, as it goes. 299 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,639 Pass us the menu. Are there any puddings? 300 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:04,071 Right, have you lot finished? The next boat goes back in five minutes. 301 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,556 - Mel, me dad said you did a trump. - You what? 302 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,593 I said he was Donald Trump, you silly bugger. 303 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:11,995 Very funny. 304 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,033 Right, come on, let's be having you. I've got to get back to Benidorm. 305 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,436 Need to see a man about an island. 306 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,153 What, no pudding? 307 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,478 Pudding were included. 308 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,638 Oh, Mick, look! 309 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:32,795 No! 310 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,513 - Hey, look. - Oh, yeah. 311 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,075 Oh, lovely, look. Hey, I like that. 312 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,350 I look as sick as a parrot. 313 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,718 Hiya, Lesley, it's Geoff. 314 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:48,311 Um, I'm not sure what happened to you at the auditorium. 315 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,636 I waited a couple of hours, 316 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:55,038 but you may have been held up in traffic or something else came up. 317 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,154 Um, I've sort of wandered into the old town, 318 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,113 where we were originally going to meet tonight. 319 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,880 Um, so I might just stay here. 320 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:08,069 You know, we were meeting at 8:00 321 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,238 and it's already 2:30 now, 322 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:16,594 so let me know if you get here early, for tonight, I mean. 323 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,034 It's Geoff, by the way. I don't know if I said that at the start of the... 324 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,195 (BEEPING) 325 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:22,469 Geoff? 326 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,236 Geoff, great to see you! 327 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:26,475 Hola! 328 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,479 Hiya. You all right? 329 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,796 I thought you weren't meant to be here until tonight. 330 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:35,756 Yeah, I thought, you know, I'd stretch me legs for five or six hours first. 331 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,279 Oh, smashing. 332 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,552 You could come with us. 333 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,591 We're off to the Rich Bitch. 334 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,917 It's a fabulous drag bar just round the corner. 335 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:46,356 Drag bar? 336 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,518 Yeah, you know, men dressed as women. 337 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,359 Yes, we've never been into the tranny scene much, 338 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,711 but a friend of ours, Big Donna from our swinger's association, 339 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,558 she put us in touch. 340 00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,591 It is invitation-only this afternoon, 341 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,838 but I'm sure they could squeeze you in somewhere. 342 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:04,394 (GRUNTING) 343 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,076 Aw! 344 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,998 Maybe catch you later! 345 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:10,995 Hmm. 346 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,438 (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) 347 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,473 Grande beer por favor. 348 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,595 That's 2 euros, please, darling. 349 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:50,719 Hola, guapa. 350 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,400 Mine's a large one, if you're buying. 351 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,479 What are they talking about? 352 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,796 - Who? - Me dad and Mel. 353 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,355 I don't know. Something to do with Mel's business. 354 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:17,836 Will you keep your nose out? We don't want you meddling in Mel's affairs. 355 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,598 Oh? Mel having an affair? 356 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,280 Business affairs. You know what I mean. 357 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,916 Well, he does have a history of shagging around. 358 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,510 What about that woman he had a fling with last year? 359 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:29,869 The one in the wheelchair? 360 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:33,038 Don't be disgusting. You know that was a misunderstanding. 361 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,197 Mel only fancy women in wheelchairs? 362 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,950 Apparently, once you get your metal wings, there's no turning back. 363 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:40,434 What is she talking about? 364 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,789 I have no idea. 365 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,513 Well, then tell her to shut up. 366 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,153 Telle, shut up. 367 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:48,438 You're too forward, you are. 368 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,073 Better then being backward, like you. 369 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:51,679 There's no wonder you're not married. 370 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:52,949 I don't wanna get married. 371 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:54,878 Just as well. Nobody'd have you. 372 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,719 Mother, can we leave it, please? 373 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:00,474 Thank you. 374 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,554 You've got no role models. That's your problem. 375 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,275 We had people like Vera Lynn and Doris Day to look up to. 376 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,909 Who've they got these days? Amy Whitehouse? 377 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:18,318 And celebrities on TV reality shows fiddling with pigs. 378 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,396 Mother, what have I just said? 379 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,039 For God's sake! 380 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,230 Yeah, shut up. 381 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:25,919 Oh, you shut up! 382 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,515 Janice, tell her. She's putting her finger up at me. 383 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:34,630 No, I'm not. 384 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,400 Right, that's it I've had enough. 385 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,390 What's wrong with her? 386 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:47,919 I don't know. 387 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,918 (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) 388 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:56,357 And it's not just me mam that doesn't understand me. 389 00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,514 I know you won't believe this, but I haven't got many friends. 390 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:05,194 Well, I have got one mate who I drink with, he's called Eric. 391 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,917 Think he must be in his 80s. 392 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,476 He's a war hero, but he doesn't like talking about it. 393 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:15,116 He's every night at the pub, 394 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,158 we have a few pints, I tell him all me troubles. 395 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,155 He doesn't often say much back to me, but... 396 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,079 You know, he's from a different generation. 397 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:31,277 I sometimes think if he hadn't lost his legs at Dunkirk, 398 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,233 that he'd just get up and walk away from me. 399 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,229 But I don't suppose I'll ever know. 400 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:38,716 Another beer? 401 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,310 No, no, I'd best go, clear me head. 402 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:46,515 I... I've got a blind date tonight, well, not completely blind. 403 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,359 I mean, we've texted each other. 404 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,640 Any rate, you take care. 405 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:58,236 And don't forget, never give up hope. 406 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,990 Who knows? The right girl might just come along for you. 407 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,395 Thanks. 408 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,040 No problem. 409 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,357 Oh, hello. Just come down from your parachute? 410 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,118 De nada. 411 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,195 Hiya. 412 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:26,716 MmMmm. 413 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:27,830 Hola. 414 00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,156 I wondered if you can do me a favour. 415 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:31,509 Anything. 416 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,194 I've got a friend staying here, 417 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,073 and I want to leave her something in her room as a surprise. 418 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,794 Is there any way I can get into her room without asking for her key? 419 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,673 If you give the present to me, I can deliver for you. 420 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,757 I have a pass key that fits all the rooms. 421 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,076 Yeah, thought you might have. 422 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,915 What if you give me that pass key, and I can do it meself? 423 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:51,799 Is not possible. 424 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,835 What about if I meet you later on, and we do it together? 425 00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,355 You want to do it... with me? 426 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,675 Oh, yeah. I want to do it with you. 427 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,915 What about your boyfriend? 428 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,834 Him? I don't think he'd be all for it. He's a bit straight like that. 429 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:19,191 No. I mean, what if he finds out we... 430 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:22,239 did it together? 431 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,870 Well, we'll just have to make sure he doesn't, won't we? 432 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,034 (SLURPING) 433 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,360 So what you're saying is, if you find this fellow who owns the island... 434 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:43,470 Dovez. 435 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,637 ...you think you can convince him to let you build on it. 436 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:46,875 Exactly. 437 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,150 Only problem is, where to start looking? 438 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:53,239 I made a few enquiries, but the place is full of bloody tourists. 439 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:54,839 Yeah, funny that, isn't it? 440 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,917 - Excuse me. - Yes, love? 441 00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,793 That barman who serves behind here, do you know where he's from? 442 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,593 Eh, I think he's Spanish. 443 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:02,676 (EXHALING) 444 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:05,838 You know what? The tan, the dark hair, the Spanish accent, 445 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:07,519 I think she might be on to something there. 446 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,597 I meant, where in Spain. 447 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:11,594 Haven't got a clue. 448 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,599 Why don't you ask him yourself? Mateo! 449 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:18,795 Right, I think I see my gorgeous wife over there having a beer on her own, 450 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:21,878 so I'll leave you three to your Mensa meeting. 451 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:23,509 Can I help you, boss? 452 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,392 I need to find a man. 453 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,230 A man? 454 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:29,431 Yeah. A local man. 455 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,874 There are a few gay bars in the old town. 456 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:38,320 I could take you maybe later in the week? 457 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,909 Not that sort of man. I'm looking... 458 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:48,359 I'm looking for a local businessman, goes by the name of the Dovez. 459 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:50,600 The Dovez? 460 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:52,995 No. 461 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:54,914 Never heard of this man. 462 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:56,474 Are you sure? 463 00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:58,558 You don't know anyone connected with land or property 464 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:00,910 in Benidorm goes by that name? 465 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,634 - Sorry, boss. - Aye, all right. 466 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:05,877 Well, ask around for me. 467 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:11,233 A few euros in it for you, if you find him. 468 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:13,518 Sure thing, boss. 469 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:16,155 (WHISPERING) Dovez. 470 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:18,237 Boss! 471 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,190 Boss! 472 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:26,715 I think I know who you mean, Antonio Dovez. 473 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,434 He's a powerful man, much property and land in Benidorm. 474 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:33,076 Oh, now we're getting somewhere. So, where will I find him? 475 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,760 You say there would be a few euros for me? 476 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:38,474 Yeah, well, I'll stand you a couple of drinks. 477 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:41,752 You're offering to buy me a couple of drinks in an all-inclusive resort. 478 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:45,589 All right, 20 euros. Where can I find Antonio Dovez? 479 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:50,073 20 euros? Hmm, my memory's not so good. 480 00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:51,998 - 50 euros. - 100 euros. 481 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:53,713 - Piss off. 482 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,555 Hang on, hang on. Come back here. 483 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:01,519 All right, 100 euros. For that price, I want you to take me directly to him. 484 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:05,759 For 100 euros, I will bring him to you. Tonight, 9:00 in Neptune's. 485 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:07,359 9:00, Neptune's. 486 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:09,676 Hey, hey, hey. The 100 euros. 487 00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,953 When I see the Dovez, you see the 100 euros. 488 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:14,430 Done! 489 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:16,233 Yeah, I have been. 490 00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:28,237 Hey! Hey! 491 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:30,194 - What? - Hey! 492 00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:32,433 Uh, sorry. 493 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,479 I must have fallen asleep. 494 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:38,154 (BEEPING) 495 00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:47,595 Shit! 496 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:51,357 Excusez-mol s'il vous plait, Plaza del Castell? 497 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,871 Plaza del Castell, a la derecha. 498 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,595 Cheers. 499 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,632 Good evening, sir. May I help you? 500 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:24,800 Hiya. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to meet someone here. 501 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:26,556 Name? 502 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,717 The Oracle. I mean, Geoff. 503 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,674 I mean... I mean, Lesley. 504 00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:34,118 Is this a group booking? 505 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:37,949 Lesley, it'll be under the name Lesley. Two people. 506 00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:41,278 This way, please, sir. 507 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:53,676 A drink while you wait, sir? 508 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:55,958 Pint of lager, please. 509 00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:57,793 But of course, sir. 510 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,918 (SNIFFING) 511 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,954 Come on, Geoff, don't mess this one up. 512 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:13,799 You never know. She could be the one. 513 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,789 (CLICKING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 514 00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,116 Hello. You must be Geoff. 515 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:29,194 I'm Lesley. 516 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:41,309 Yeah, I'm sorry about earlier on, but, uh, I had a flat tyre. 517 00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:45,519 I'd done me own servicing and I'd forgotten to grease me wheel nuts. 518 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:49,278 So I've been on me hands and knees all afternoon. 519 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:55,079 - Nice here, mind, isn't it? - Lovely. 520 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:56,679 Yeah, when I first came to Benidorm, 521 00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:59,110 I thought it was all English breakfasts and karaoke, 522 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,151 but you'd be surprised. 523 00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:02,959 I have been. 524 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,638 Now then, before we go any further, 525 00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:08,558 there's something I want to tell you, Geoff. 526 00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:09,670 Okay. 527 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:13,031 We chatted on-line a lot yesterday, and, well, 528 00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:15,879 there was one thing I wasn't completely truthful about. 529 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:17,434 - Really? - Yeah. 530 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:18,835 I want to get it out of the way now. 531 00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,839 I mean, we don't want an elephant in the room, so to speak. 532 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,837 No, wouldn't want that. 533 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:28,034 No. But I've got a sneaking suspicion you know what I'm going to say. 534 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:29,798 Might have crossed me mind. 535 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:31,115 Geoff... 536 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:35,554 I'm not 35. 537 00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:37,874 - Really? 538 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,389 I wasn't 100% honest with you on that score. 539 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:41,476 Right. 540 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,273 I mean, I've been nervous about telling you that 541 00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:46,119 but, well, you haven't done a runner yet. 542 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:47,196 I can't move. 543 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:50,551 Well, I must say, that's a weight off me shoulders. 544 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:54,594 Mind you, in saying that, I might be in me 40s but I'm not dead yet. 545 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:57,712 As me old grandma said as they were trying to zip up the bodybag. 546 00:33:57,840 --> 00:33:59,114 (LAUGHING) 547 00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:03,709 Uh, do you know what? I don't know what it is, 548 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:07,276 but I feel very relaxed with you, Geoff. 549 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,793 Some men give me the creeps. You know what I mean? 550 00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:11,910 Absolutely. 551 00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:16,511 But with you, well, I just feel I can let me hair down. 552 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,910 - Eh, you any good at massage? - No. 553 00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:24,316 Oh, I done a course just a couple of years back. 554 00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:26,875 Uh, are you familiar with Shiatsu? 555 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:28,995 Aye, I've just done one. 556 00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:32,158 Well, it's a finger-pressure technical massage. 557 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:34,710 It releases toxins from the body. 558 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,958 I know that sounds a bit technical, but at the end of the day, 559 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:41,357 all it involves is one person lying face down on the bed 560 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:44,233 while the other one gives him a good poke. 561 00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:47,710 You think you'll be up for that? 562 00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:49,675 Sir? 563 00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:54,039 Madamoiselle? 564 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:55,709 Champion! 565 00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:00,680 Now, I usually have two starters here 'cause they're only small. 566 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:05,276 567 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:07,277 568 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,869 569 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:14,593 counting up the score 570 00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:15,676 571 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:18,713 and inside out 572 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:22,160 573 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:23,236 574 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:27,194 because you're mine 575 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:29,714 You not hungry, mam? 576 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:31,478 I can't believe it. 577 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:32,635 What? 578 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:34,080 Tom Jones! 579 00:35:35,240 --> 00:35:36,992 Oh, aye, he's good, isn't he? 580 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,236 581 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:41,317 582 00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:43,477 Doesn't seem to have aged. 583 00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:46,197 She has got to be joking. 584 00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:50,112 Mam, you do know that's not Tom Jones, don't you? 585 00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:52,835 What do you mean, it's not Tom Jones? 586 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,952 Well, what she means is, it's not Tom Jones! 587 00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:57,673 No need to shout! 588 00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:01,120 Mam, that's the fella that was on last night. 589 00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:04,835 Do you remember when Mick asked him to sing a song for me? 590 00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:07,276 You wouldn't believe they could afford Tom Jones 591 00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,676 in a place like this, would you? 592 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,757 I think she's on crack. 593 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:15,632 594 00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,237 Oh, oh, yes! 595 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:20,757 Yes! Yes! 596 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:26,873 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. 597 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:28,877 It's a great pleasure to be here at Neptune's. 598 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,389 Here's another classic from the man himself, 599 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:33,750 The Green, Green Grass of Home. 600 00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:44,832 601 00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:47,793 Not Tom Jones! 602 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:52,956 I suppose the fact that he's got a Welsh accent is just a coincidence as well. 603 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:56,194 (LAUGHING) 604 00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:58,392 Hell! It's Will Smith! 605 00:36:58,520 --> 00:36:59,794 (LAUGHING) 606 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,674 What have you got changed for? I thought you'd gone to the bar. 607 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:05,553 Where's Tommy Lee Jones? He's not been eaten by an alien, has he? 608 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:08,069 I've got a very important business meeting. 609 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,760 You haven't seen that greasy barman, have you? 610 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,076 Can you narrow it down a bit? 611 00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:16,712 You all right, Madge? 612 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,958 Cheer up! It might never happen. 613 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:34,836 Yes! 614 00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:36,917 Sorry! Oh! Oh! 615 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:38,189 - Oh, shit. - Not yet! 616 00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,038 Oh, no, no, no. 617 00:37:40,720 --> 00:37:42,472 I mean, I have to go. 618 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:45,399 What do you think you're doing? 619 00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:47,318 I'm sorry. I have an important meeting. 620 00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:49,431 At this time? Well... 621 00:37:50,240 --> 00:37:51,719 What about me? 622 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:53,519 Maybe we can finish this another time, huh? 623 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:55,153 Oh, fat chance. 624 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,078 Hostia! 625 00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:58,356 What's wrong? 626 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,517 Joder! I lost my pass key. 627 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,840 If you find it, can you bring it to me tomorrow? 628 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:06,553 Yeah, of course. 629 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:08,030 Okay. 630 00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,557 Close the door on your way out. 631 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:13,830 (WHISPERING) You're very hot. 632 00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:42,438 What's your meat like? 633 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:45,120 - I beg your pardon? - Your steak. 634 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,194 Oh, yeah. 635 00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:49,430 It's all right. 636 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:51,437 You did right going for well-done. 637 00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:54,359 Ask for it rare, and they pull the horns out, wipe its arse over here. 638 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:55,834 (CHUCKLING) 639 00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:01,792 So, how long you been married, then? 640 00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,514 - Married? - A-ha! I'm just testing. 641 00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:07,709 I do attract a lot of married men for some reason. 642 00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:09,035 Really? 643 00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:11,237 I mean, really? 644 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:14,671 Oh, yeah. Don't know what it is. They're like moths to a flame, man. 645 00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:17,758 I suppose I do have a certain unattainable quality. 646 00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:19,632 That's good to know. 647 00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:23,269 Well, how long have you been single? 648 00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,957 Well, I'm on a kind of break from somebody. 649 00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:29,993 But I think they want to get back with me. 650 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:31,556 Quite a lot. 651 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,432 - But you're not interested. - Well.. 652 00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,154 - You've moved on. - Not really. 653 00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:38,510 Or else, why would you be here? 654 00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:40,590 Oh, yeah. 655 00:39:40,720 --> 00:39:42,791 Yeah, I've been single for a while now. 656 00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:44,911 Been living on me own for nearly a year. 657 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:45,996 Right. 658 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:49,078 It's funny, but when I'm single I don't really miss the sex. 659 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:50,349 Do you? 660 00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:52,113 Definitely not. 661 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,072 Not interested in it at all. 662 00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:57,158 No. There's lots of other things in life, aren't there? 663 00:39:57,280 --> 00:39:58,429 Loads. 664 00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:01,638 Loads of other things. 665 00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:05,230 I mean, don't get me wrong. I've had some fantastic wild sex over the years. 666 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:08,034 But you know the one thing I'm missing? 667 00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:09,510 No? 668 00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:10,914 The craic. 669 00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:15,198 You know, bit of banter with somebody at the end of the day. 670 00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:18,870 I've got a small chihuahua, but it's hardly the same, is it? 671 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:20,638 DONALD: Hi, Geoff! 672 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:23,317 Lovely night! 673 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:26,954 (GIGGLING) 674 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:31,392 Friends of yours? 675 00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:33,279 I need to go to the toilet. 676 00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:35,437 Yeah, you look a bit piggy. 677 00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:37,672 See you in a minute. 678 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:50,954 679 00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,674 680 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,952 681 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,395 Where've you been? 682 00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:02,670 Told you. Went to the toilet. 683 00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:04,797 That was nearly an hour ago. 684 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,513 - Martin... - What? 685 00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:08,240 I think I'm in love. 686 00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:09,759 - In love? - Yeah. 687 00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:11,109 Who with? 688 00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:13,278 Who do you think? 689 00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,109 Mr. Harvey... 690 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:35,193 How do you do, sir? 691 00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:40,438 (MOUTHING) 692 00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:56,678 Thank you. 693 00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:01,709 So, you're the man they call the Dovez? 694 00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:03,075 No. 695 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:04,436 You what? 696 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:07,120 My name is Antonio Dovez. What can I do for you? 697 00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:11,199 Right, but you have a lot of interests in property, land and the like? 698 00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,550 I co-own the sister Hotel to the Solana, 699 00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:15,990 I have a number of villas in and around Benidorm, 700 00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,509 and some land in Calle Fiesta. 701 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,280 I was told you are a businessman, señor Harvey. 702 00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:24,472 I do not wish to be rude, but I'm a very busy man. 703 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:26,079 Peacock Island. 704 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,754 What about it? 705 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:29,834 I've been there today. 706 00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:31,439 What do you want, a round of applause? 707 00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:33,836 No, I mean, I want to build on Peacock Island. 708 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:34,916 But you can't. 709 00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:36,997 That's right. Because you own it. 710 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:38,758 - No. - You what? 711 00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:41,156 No, I do not own Peacock Island. 712 00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:42,475 But I was told you did. 713 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:44,193 Well, then you were misinformed. 714 00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:45,993 Hang on a minute. Let me get this right. 715 00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:49,317 Your name is Dovez, and you don't own Peacock Island? 716 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:50,919 - Correct. - So, who does own it? 717 00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:53,680 Nobody owns it. It is a nature reserve. 718 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:57,630 A man on the island told me it was owned by the Dovez. 719 00:42:57,760 --> 00:43:01,390 I can assure you, señor Harvey, he was not referring to me. 720 00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:03,393 That just doesn't make sense. 721 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:06,911 For heaven's sake, Peacock Island is protected. 722 00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:09,509 You cannot build there because it would disturb the wildlife. 723 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:10,675 The wildlife? 724 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:12,074 Yes, mainly the birds. 725 00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:13,793 Mainly the birds! 726 00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:17,839 The white birds. 727 00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:20,919 Dovez. 728 00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:23,389 Doves! 729 00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:26,712 Oh, my God! 730 00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,996 I'm sorry. I've heard enough. 731 00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:42,432 Where's my 100 euros? 732 00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:44,557 - What? - My 100 euros, I want it back. 733 00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:46,796 Bloody dunce, he was talking about the birds. 734 00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:48,399 - Excuse me. - Birds. 735 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:49,954 - What birds? - The white birds on the island. 736 00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:52,151 And they weren't even doves, they were bloody seagulls. 737 00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:54,476 I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about? 738 00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,318 I want my money back! Give me my bloody money back! 739 00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:58,113 Oh, go away. You don't scare me. 740 00:43:58,240 --> 00:44:00,436 - Do you mind? I'm trying to get... - Hey, get your hand out... 741 00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:02,517 Hey, hey! Get your hand out! 742 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,234 743 00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:06,839 Well, don't just sit there. 744 00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:12,034 745 00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:15,318 746 00:44:17,720 --> 00:44:22,635 747 00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:26,392 748 00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:28,959 Get him out! 749 00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:32,075 Yeah, come on, then! Come on, then! 750 00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:49,434 I'm afraid we really must close now. 751 00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:53,278 Perhaps your friend had some kind of emergency. 752 00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:55,637 Yeah, that was probably it. 753 00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:00,836 That really won't be necessary. 754 00:45:01,720 --> 00:45:03,518 You're a very kind man. 755 00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:11,549 I um... 756 00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:16,795 I don't suppose you fancy coming back to my place, do you? 757 00:45:24,240 --> 00:45:25,799 Yeah, all right. 758 00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:27,070 Good. 759 00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:30,194 What'll it be? 760 00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:31,799 To Madge. 761 00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:33,718 To Madge? No problem. 762 00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:37,117 I once saw you in Blackpool in 1958. 763 00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:38,954 Oh, did you?