1 00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:33,013 Oh, it's busy this morning. 2 00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:36,132 Yes, they must be giving out free scratch cards with every breakfast. 3 00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:39,616 Good morning, boys. Don't forget, coach trip today. 4 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:40,696 Oh, yeah! 5 00:00:40,820 --> 00:00:43,778 Bring your trunks. We're just off to get ours. 6 00:00:44,860 --> 00:00:45,975 Oh. Do you fancy that? 7 00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:50,094 Hmm. Seeing Donald and Jacqueline cavorting in their Speedos. 8 00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:51,699 What's the alternative? 9 00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:54,380 Being shot between the eyes with a rusty air rifle. 10 00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:57,060 Oh! No contest. Pull the trigger. 11 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:13,211 Are you sure you don't want anything more than that, son? 12 00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,377 No. That was lovely. 13 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:18,129 I mean, don't get me wrong, 14 00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:20,774 I think you've done brilliant with your dieting. 15 00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:22,652 But let's be honest, 16 00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:25,772 if you turn sideways now, you'd be marked absent. 17 00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:28,938 You're joking! I've got another two stone to go. 18 00:01:29,060 --> 00:01:30,858 Another two stone! 19 00:01:30,980 --> 00:01:33,654 You'll have to hollow out your legs, there's nothing on you. 20 00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:38,980 Your Uncle Francis said your dad had an elastic band fitted. 21 00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,899 Like that Fearne Cotton off the telly. 22 00:01:42,180 --> 00:01:46,811 But I told him, "It's a will of iron that boy's used to get his weight down 23 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,738 "and nothing more." 24 00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:50,214 Don't you mean Fern Britton? 25 00:01:50,340 --> 00:01:54,891 Now, are you coming with me to the waterfalls of Agadoo? 26 00:01:55,420 --> 00:01:57,252 The waterfalls of Algar! 27 00:01:57,380 --> 00:01:58,370 That's it. 28 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:01,811 No. I've got a bit of business to sort out in the old town. 29 00:02:01,940 --> 00:02:04,090 - Do you want me to come? - No! 30 00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:07,099 I've got to see an hombre about a perro. 31 00:02:07,220 --> 00:02:09,291 Oh! Right. 32 00:02:10,980 --> 00:02:12,812 Hey, you never know. 33 00:02:12,940 --> 00:02:16,535 That what's-her-name might be coming to the waterfalls. 34 00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:18,810 - Telle. - I'm not interested. 35 00:02:18,940 --> 00:02:21,773 You are! You had a date with her. 36 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,891 We're just friends. 37 00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:27,729 Well, its about time you got yourself a nice girlfriend. 38 00:02:27,860 --> 00:02:29,658 Mother, will you leave it? 39 00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:33,852 What happened to that girl with the funny lip 40 00:02:33,980 --> 00:02:36,290 you met on that YTS scheme? 41 00:02:36,420 --> 00:02:38,058 Was her name Cheryl? 42 00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:41,935 I can't remember. It's a good few years ago. 43 00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:44,097 I haven't got time for girls right now, all right? 44 00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:47,975 Haven't got time for girls? A good-looking lad like you? 45 00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:51,536 What about that lass off the internet you were talking to? 46 00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:54,971 - Mother, can we just drop the subject? - I told you 47 00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:59,300 I'd lend you the money to go to Brazil but you didn't seem keen. 48 00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:00,774 Look, 49 00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:05,212 how many times do I have to tell you? I'm just not interested! 50 00:03:06,860 --> 00:03:10,376 (LAUGHING) Not interested in girls? 51 00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:13,449 What are you interested in then? 52 00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:14,900 (CHUCKLING) 53 00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:24,051 Right, mother, what's going on today? 54 00:03:24,180 --> 00:03:26,376 Are you coming with us on this trip or are you staying here? 55 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,377 I'm not going anywhere I can't take me chair. 56 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,935 I'm on me holidays, I shouldn't have to walk around. 57 00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:34,576 Come on! Look at that. There's two waterfalls, 58 00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:37,658 a diving area and a natural swimming pool. 59 00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:39,817 You joking? She ain't gonna come with us. 60 00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:40,896 All that water? 61 00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:43,330 She'd be frightened if somebody throws a bar of Imperial Leather at her 62 00:03:43,460 --> 00:03:44,859 and she'll have to get a wash. 63 00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:47,938 Well, you're not going anywhere, you've got to work for Mel. 64 00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:50,449 Madge, it may have escaped your notice 65 00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:54,369 but Mel's Mobility Boutique tragically burned to the ground last night, 66 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:58,255 thus rendering me sadly unemployed. 67 00:03:58,660 --> 00:04:00,333 He'll still need you to clear things up. 68 00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:02,417 He can't be expected to do that on his own. 69 00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:04,099 You think I'm spending the day shovelling shit 70 00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:06,211 in a burnt-out shop when its 80 degrees out here, 71 00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:08,172 you can kiss my arse! 72 00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:09,815 MADGE: Same to you! 73 00:04:09,940 --> 00:04:12,898 There's no wonder the kids of today are sticking knives in each other, 74 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:16,456 high as a kite on drugs when their parents are using language like that. 75 00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:19,049 If we kiss your arse, it won't be just the kids high as a kite. 76 00:04:19,180 --> 00:04:21,330 Can we have a bit less talk of arses 77 00:04:21,460 --> 00:04:23,258 when I'm trying to eat me sausage, please? 78 00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:26,099 Anyway, Mel's got that Spanish lad working for him. What's his name? 79 00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:27,210 Paco. 80 00:04:27,340 --> 00:04:29,650 Enough said. Let Paco earn his three euros an hour. 81 00:04:29,780 --> 00:04:33,535 I am going swimming with my beautiful wife. 82 00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:35,298 Oh, aye. What are you after? 83 00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:38,492 You know what he's after. He's always been the same. 84 00:04:38,620 --> 00:04:42,056 Oh, dear, do I detect a tinge of jealousy? Hmm? 85 00:04:42,180 --> 00:04:43,454 After a full year of marriage, 86 00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:46,094 have you and Mel not yet done the deed of darkness? 87 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:49,053 The deed of what? What's he talking about? 88 00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:51,456 - The beast with two backs. - Oh, shut up! 89 00:04:51,580 --> 00:04:53,935 "Beast with two backs"? What's that when it's at home? 90 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:57,291 Has he stormed the trenches? Eh? Hidden the hot dog? 91 00:04:57,420 --> 00:04:58,535 (LAUGHING) 92 00:04:58,660 --> 00:05:01,732 Have you both turned the lights out and done the hokey-cokey? 93 00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:04,534 Oh right, I see what you mean. 94 00:05:04,660 --> 00:05:08,369 No, not yet. I don't think he's interested. 95 00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:12,539 I must admit, your father was very talented in that department. 96 00:05:13,220 --> 00:05:15,609 I remember when he first took me up the pleasure beach 97 00:05:15,740 --> 00:05:17,538 and showed me his American Smooth. 98 00:05:17,660 --> 00:05:20,015 Oh, she thinks you're talking about dancing. 99 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:21,858 Oh. What are you talking about? 100 00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:25,735 Right. I'm going up the road to see how they're getting on. 101 00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:26,930 How Mel's getting on. 102 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,619 You've not finished your breakfast. 103 00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:31,334 - It's black pudding. - Pass it over. 104 00:05:31,460 --> 00:05:33,212 See you later. Keep an eye on Coolio, will you? 105 00:05:33,340 --> 00:05:35,490 - Yeah. - Back here by 11:00. 106 00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:37,099 What's she going over there for? 107 00:05:37,220 --> 00:05:40,611 I think she's after a different type of black pudding. 108 00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:07,212 You know I'm holding you responsible for all this, don't you? 109 00:06:07,340 --> 00:06:10,139 Señor Harvey, I tell you the lights are too much. 110 00:06:10,260 --> 00:06:12,297 It had nothing to do with the lights. It was the bloody wiring! 111 00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:13,899 It was like Spaghetti Junction in there. 112 00:06:14,020 --> 00:06:15,579 No wonder we went up in flames. 113 00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,499 Señor Harvey, I need to talk to you about money. 114 00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:21,419 Oh, don't worry about me, everything was insured. 115 00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:23,019 When you've been in business as long as I have, 116 00:06:23,140 --> 00:06:25,017 you always keep one step ahead. 117 00:06:25,140 --> 00:06:27,416 No. I mean money for me. 118 00:06:28,420 --> 00:06:31,378 Two weeks I have now been working for you, and nothing. 119 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:32,649 Money for you? 120 00:06:32,780 --> 00:06:35,898 You burn my business to the ground and you ask me for money? 121 00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:38,250 I told you when you started, you're on a month's trial. 122 00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:42,339 Going by this lot, you're lucky not to have been arrested for arson. 123 00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:44,770 Hiya. 124 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:46,299 Well, hello, darling. You all right? 125 00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:47,490 Yeah. 126 00:06:47,620 --> 00:06:49,896 - Hola. - Hola. 127 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,810 Are you coming on this trip to the waterfalls? 128 00:06:52,940 --> 00:06:54,419 Well, there's not much more we can do here. 129 00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:56,929 May as well make the most of the sun. 130 00:06:57,060 --> 00:07:00,018 I don't suppose Paco could come, could he? 131 00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:02,134 Who's Paco? 132 00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:05,457 Oh, him? That his name? 133 00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:09,337 Oh, not really, darling. He's got work here to do. 134 00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:11,534 Oh. Okay. 135 00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:16,173 Oh, right! I see what you mean. 136 00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:18,774 Oi, Face-Ache. 137 00:07:19,220 --> 00:07:21,734 Get that shop locked up and be over at the Solana in 10 minutes. 138 00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,134 You're coming on a trip. 139 00:07:23,260 --> 00:07:25,774 - Señor Harvey, I have to... - Pronto! 140 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:28,820 (WHISPERING) Thanks, Mel. 141 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:36,854 (SNORING) 142 00:07:46,820 --> 00:07:49,812 Oh, morning. Think we've missed breakfast. 143 00:07:49,940 --> 00:07:52,295 (SCOFFS) I don't think I could keep nothing down. 144 00:07:52,420 --> 00:07:54,172 Me guts are doing somersaults. 145 00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:55,256 (GROANS) 146 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:57,850 - You all right? - Mmm. 147 00:07:57,980 --> 00:07:59,891 Not the most comfortable bed in the world. 148 00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:02,694 You could always sleep with me in the double bed. 149 00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:03,810 I do trust you, Martin. 150 00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:07,649 - Well, I wouldn't want to... - Mind you, I wouldn't recommend it. 151 00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:09,691 I don't know if it's the food, but I've had shocking wind 152 00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:11,219 ever since I got here! 153 00:08:13,540 --> 00:08:17,818 I suppose we could share the bed. I mean, we're both responsible adults... 154 00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:19,135 (BRANDY FARTING) 155 00:08:19,260 --> 00:08:21,854 Sorry, Martin, what did you say? 156 00:08:21,980 --> 00:08:23,971 Nothing. It's all right. 157 00:08:31,340 --> 00:08:34,492 Just because he's not found the right girl doesn't mean he's gay. 158 00:08:34,620 --> 00:08:36,418 That's what they said about Liberace. 159 00:08:36,540 --> 00:08:38,531 Excuse me, I need to clear these tables. 160 00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:40,856 - Yes, we've nearly finished. - Oh, go away! 161 00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:45,099 But he's never had a proper girlfriend. Not one. 162 00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,972 He might be just a late starter. 163 00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:51,014 Now that's true, or he might be just a big fat homo. 164 00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:55,259 I mean, everybody thought that barman was normal 165 00:08:55,380 --> 00:09:00,898 but I heard he was once caught rolling around behind that bar with a fella. 166 00:09:02,020 --> 00:09:06,093 - So, you never can tell. - I think it's time to find a sunbed. 167 00:09:10,660 --> 00:09:14,335 - Oh, dear, I didn't mean to say normal. - He's all right. 168 00:09:15,260 --> 00:09:18,298 The other bloke they caught the barman with... 169 00:09:19,620 --> 00:09:20,940 It was me. 170 00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,413 See you later. 171 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:31,540 You dirty beggar! 172 00:09:31,660 --> 00:09:33,890 They're a happily married couple! 173 00:10:04,260 --> 00:10:06,137 Okay, ladies and gentlemen. 174 00:10:06,260 --> 00:10:09,855 Here are your tickets for the waterfalls of Algar, 175 00:10:09,980 --> 00:10:13,575 which entitles you to full access to all areas, 176 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:18,251 your Solana's picnic and a complimentary glass of Nispero liqueur. 177 00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:19,700 What is Nispero? 178 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,289 It's a fruit grown locally in this region. 179 00:10:22,420 --> 00:10:27,415 - Hey! Let's get piss-pero on Nispero. - She said one glass. 180 00:10:32,220 --> 00:10:33,972 Don't know why we had to come here anyway? 181 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,852 Got everything we need back at the apartments. 182 00:10:35,980 --> 00:10:38,449 Food, drink, pool for the kiddies. 183 00:10:38,580 --> 00:10:41,333 Oh, come on, mam. It's nice to see different places. 184 00:10:41,460 --> 00:10:43,178 I never wanted to come. 185 00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:46,656 There's too many steps, it's too steep and there's too many people. 186 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,771 And my shoes are hurting me. 187 00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:51,653 Oh, you're determined to have good time, aren't you? 188 00:10:51,780 --> 00:10:54,533 Here you are, get some of this down your neck. 189 00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:01,053 Oh, Jesus. It's good stuff, that. 190 00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:03,899 Hmm. Very acceptable, that. 191 00:11:04,020 --> 00:11:06,091 Do nicely as a nightcap or a digestive. 192 00:11:06,220 --> 00:11:07,779 No, you wouldn't want a digestive with that. 193 00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,369 Be too dry. Maybe a Chocolate Hobnob. 194 00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:15,453 A digestive is an alcoholic drink taken after dinner to compliment the meal 195 00:11:15,580 --> 00:11:17,218 and aid digestion. 196 00:11:17,340 --> 00:11:18,853 Although, I wouldn't expect you to know that. 197 00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:20,857 All right, Fanny Craddock, calm down. 198 00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:23,893 He doesn't need to calm down. He was actually telling you something. 199 00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:27,138 If you tried listening to people instead of making snide remarks all the time, 200 00:11:27,260 --> 00:11:29,012 you might actually learn something. 201 00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:30,938 Excuse me, could we get through? 202 00:11:31,060 --> 00:11:33,529 We've not actually had our free drink yet. 203 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:34,889 Learn something? From him? 204 00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:37,296 You've got no manners 'cause you've had no education. 205 00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:39,411 MARTIN: Can we get by? We're not having a free drink. 206 00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:41,019 Hang on a minute. It's just getting good, this. 207 00:11:41,140 --> 00:11:44,019 No education? And who do you think you are? Brain of Britain? 208 00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:45,369 You're as thick as two short planks. 209 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:49,733 Mind you, his mother was just the same. The apple never falls far from the tree. 210 00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:51,658 Can we just go in, please? We're holding people up. 211 00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:54,499 Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a minute. What's that supposed to mean? 212 00:11:54,620 --> 00:11:56,691 - Just forget it. Come on. - I wasn't talking to you. 213 00:11:56,820 --> 00:11:59,096 - I beg your pardon. - You know what it means. 214 00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:01,450 I begged my Janice not to marry you. 215 00:12:01,580 --> 00:12:04,299 You're all the same, you Garveys. Heathens. 216 00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:05,933 And where's all this suddenly come from? 217 00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:07,937 "Suddenly"? There's nothing sudden about it. 218 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,176 Can we just get to the free drinks, please? 219 00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:12,450 Oh, calm down, fatty. They're not gonna evaporate. 220 00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:13,570 (GASPS) 221 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,054 What did you just call my husband? 222 00:12:15,180 --> 00:12:18,491 There you go. Typical That's what the Garveys always were. 223 00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,531 Rude, vile pigs! 224 00:12:20,660 --> 00:12:23,413 - Come on, mam. Let's go. - Hang on a minute. 225 00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:26,009 - Who's side are you on? - Not yours. 226 00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:28,299 Unbelievable! 227 00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:37,253 Hey, son! 228 00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:40,259 - Do you wanna try some of this? - No, thanks. 229 00:12:43,260 --> 00:12:46,059 So, where did you say you were from again? 230 00:12:46,180 --> 00:12:49,536 - Benidorm. -(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah. You said. 231 00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:00,894 Do you honestly think she reckons her son's gay? 232 00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:02,294 Can't see it myself. 233 00:13:02,420 --> 00:13:06,015 He's oafish, boring, completely without style, 234 00:13:06,140 --> 00:13:08,017 totally lacking in manners. 235 00:13:08,140 --> 00:13:11,690 And not withstanding that, he simply doesn't have the intelligence to be gay. 236 00:13:11,820 --> 00:13:13,697 So you reckon you need all them things to be gay? 237 00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:16,175 - Absolutely. - Oh, right. 238 00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:20,772 I just thought you needed to like a bit of cock. 239 00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,049 (SIGHS) 240 00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:24,899 The despair! 241 00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:28,692 Ooh. Is that nice? 242 00:13:28,820 --> 00:13:31,380 You are a good boy. 243 00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:34,331 Thank you. Oh. 244 00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:37,933 - Could I have a quick word with you? -I have work to do. 245 00:13:38,060 --> 00:13:42,497 Hang on a minute. Look, I'm sorry about that earlier. 246 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:48,139 My sister has recently stopped smoking and I'm constantly on edge. 247 00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:51,013 We're identical twins, you see, 248 00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:55,737 and we often feel whatever the other one is experiencing. 249 00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:59,100 She once had a tetanus at the doctor's 250 00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:03,259 and although it were only a tiny prick in her bottom, 251 00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:06,691 I flew off me seat on the bus 252 00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:10,333 and head-butted the woman in front of me. 253 00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:14,578 - I have to get back to work. - Would you mind 254 00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:18,739 if I came over a bit later on and had a word with you? 255 00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:22,177 Depends what your sister is doing today. 256 00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:27,534 Lovely. I'll come over as soon as I've got him settled. 257 00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:29,139 I cannot wait. 258 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,218 Oh! Cheers. 259 00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:27,539 Café con leche? 260 00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:30,295 No. 261 00:15:30,420 --> 00:15:31,376 Café con leche? 262 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,093 No, I didn't order anything. 263 00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:34,494 Uno café con leche. 264 00:15:35,220 --> 00:15:37,655 All right, I'll have it. Just leave it there. 265 00:15:43,140 --> 00:15:45,939 - What do you want now? - Two euros, please. 266 00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:48,619 For God's sake. 267 00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,014 Gracias. 268 00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:52,051 Eh! Good luck! 269 00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:07,092 So you're absolutely certain you're okay? 270 00:16:07,220 --> 00:16:09,211 I did give you quite a belt. 271 00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:12,093 It's okay. I see you have problems in your mind. 272 00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:13,938 I beg your pardon? 273 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:17,496 Not like crazy person, like you have trouble. 274 00:16:17,620 --> 00:16:21,329 I have the gift. My mother had the gift and so do I. 275 00:16:21,860 --> 00:16:23,498 What gift is that? 276 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:27,818 I can see everything. I can see inside people. 277 00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:32,138 Like them X-ray specs we used to get when we were kids? 278 00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:37,098 No. I can see inside your soul. 279 00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:40,736 - I can see you have many questions. - Yes, I have. 280 00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:42,453 Questions about your future. 281 00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:44,969 - Not my future, me son's. - Wait. 282 00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:48,456 - The questions are not about you. - No, they're not. 283 00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:51,174 - They are about someone else. - Yes, they are. 284 00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:53,496 They are about someone who is close to you. 285 00:16:53,620 --> 00:16:54,655 Yes, he is. 286 00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:56,930 - They are not about your mother. - No. 287 00:16:57,060 --> 00:17:00,098 - They are not about your brother. - I haven't got one. 288 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,734 Your questions are about... 289 00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,056 your son! 290 00:17:06,180 --> 00:17:07,170 (GASPS) 291 00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,777 How did you know that? 292 00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:14,934 It is a gift. So, what are your questions about your son? 293 00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:18,140 Well, he's never had a girlfriend 294 00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:22,458 and I've never stuck my nose into his private life. 295 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:25,690 But, well, today, 296 00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:27,970 he did actually say 297 00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:30,455 he's not interested in girls. 298 00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:35,057 Yes. This is because your son is a mufalata. 299 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:36,659 What's a mufalata? 300 00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:41,217 He's a homo, bender, knob jockey, pillow biter, bum boy, 301 00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:46,289 fudge packer, friend of Dorothy, fairy, faggot, gaylord, homosexual. 302 00:17:46,420 --> 00:17:48,730 Your son is a homosexual gay. 303 00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,010 Oh, well, I suppose you'd know. 304 00:17:51,011 --> 00:17:51,995 What! 305 00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:53,294 -I mean, 306 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,809 with you being a psychic and everything. 307 00:17:55,940 --> 00:17:58,136 Oh. Okay. 308 00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,570 Yes. 309 00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:03,133 Another eggnog? 310 00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:06,052 Yes, I think I'd better. 311 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:10,854 Oh, son, why didn't you tell me? 312 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,700 Get in! 313 00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:17,139 Lesley, you're about to run out of credit, love. 314 00:19:17,260 --> 00:19:19,217 Do you want me to put another hour on for you? 315 00:19:19,340 --> 00:19:22,776 No thanks, pet. That's me done for today. 316 00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:26,052 - Maybe see you later in the week. - All right, darling. Take care. 317 00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:28,490 Aye. I'll see you. 318 00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:50,174 Very impressive. 319 00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:52,655 Yes, just makes you want to dive in. 320 00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:55,135 Well, they do say if you stand under a waterfall 321 00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:59,049 it's the most invigorating natural massage you can get. 322 00:19:59,180 --> 00:20:02,377 - Sounds good to me. - Such a shame I didn't bring my bathers. 323 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:05,140 Or, if you don't fancy that, 324 00:20:05,260 --> 00:20:09,140 I once took a course on erotic massage. 325 00:20:09,260 --> 00:20:13,857 I could oil you up and give you a rub-down. No bother. 326 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:18,531 - She's very good with her hands. - Well, I did bring me cossie. 327 00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:22,415 (CHUCKLING) So, if I don't see you in there, I'll know where you are. 328 00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:23,735 Brandy. 329 00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:30,569 So, forgive me for prying, but are you two an item? 330 00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:36,696 No, not really. Well, kind of. I mean... We're sort of very good friends. 331 00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:40,814 Right. You have an arrangement. 332 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,614 No, no, no. We met in a self-help therapy group. 333 00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:48,211 Uh-huh. And Katie's fine with this therapy group? 334 00:20:49,140 --> 00:20:50,938 - Katie? - Your wife. 335 00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:52,858 Oh, Kate! No, um... 336 00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:58,499 - Kate and I have separated. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 337 00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:04,652 Still, you've got your therapy group to keep you occupied, haven't you? 338 00:21:04,780 --> 00:21:06,896 Look, we'll get straight to the point. 339 00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:10,092 I think we're all singing from the same hymn sheet. 340 00:21:10,220 --> 00:21:15,738 Jacqueline 's had a lot of fantasies about you since we first met. 341 00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:21,014 - Has she? - Oh, yes. 342 00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:22,689 Okay. 343 00:21:22,820 --> 00:21:27,974 And I can be very passive with the right, sensitive kind of man. 344 00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:31,096 Oh my God! 345 00:21:31,220 --> 00:21:34,212 What say we have a few drinks at Neptune's tonight, 346 00:21:34,340 --> 00:21:39,574 loosen up and all go back to our apartment for a bit of therapy? 347 00:21:40,180 --> 00:21:43,298 - Martin! What are you doing? - I'm coming! 348 00:21:44,260 --> 00:21:45,330 (SIGHS) 349 00:21:45,460 --> 00:21:48,896 Something tells me we won't be hearing him say that again tonight. 350 00:21:49,020 --> 00:21:51,216 - Oh well! 351 00:21:51,340 --> 00:21:53,536 - Picnic? - Oh, yes. 352 00:22:12,900 --> 00:22:15,779 Is this it? Sandwich and a bag of crisps? 353 00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:19,814 What'd you expect in a packed lunch, a Christmas dinner? 354 00:22:19,940 --> 00:22:21,214 Well, it's not very exciting, is it? 355 00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:24,458 If you want excitement, go look at the waterfall again. 356 00:22:24,580 --> 00:22:27,220 Never satisfied, that's always been your trouble. 357 00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:29,854 - You what? - Yeah, give it a rest. 358 00:22:29,980 --> 00:22:31,539 You taking the piss? 359 00:22:31,660 --> 00:22:33,776 She's never stopped whinging since we got off the plane. 360 00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:35,937 Can we just have our dinner in peace? 361 00:22:36,060 --> 00:22:38,813 - She started it. - MICK: Oh, grow up. 362 00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:41,170 Your 11-year-old boy there making less fuss than you. 363 00:22:41,300 --> 00:22:45,771 "Less fuss"? What fuss am I making? I just said they were rubbish dinners. 364 00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:52,539 Well, this is a barrel of laughs, isn't it? 365 00:22:52,660 --> 00:22:56,051 Mam, do you want my penguin? I'm not eating sweet stuff. 366 00:22:56,180 --> 00:22:57,818 Aye, pass it over. 367 00:22:57,940 --> 00:23:00,739 - Lovely spot! - Yeah. 368 00:23:05,780 --> 00:23:08,340 So, what's gonna happen with the shop then, Mel? 369 00:23:08,460 --> 00:23:10,531 Oh, you had to bring that up, didn't you? 370 00:23:10,660 --> 00:23:12,776 - What? - We're trying to have a nice day out, 371 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:15,050 forget all our problems, and you go and mention the shop. 372 00:23:15,180 --> 00:23:18,138 - What did you say that for? - I was making polite conversation! 373 00:23:18,260 --> 00:23:21,457 "Polite conversation"? I stand and watch my livelihood burn to ashes 374 00:23:21,580 --> 00:23:23,457 and you want to make polite conversation about it? 375 00:23:23,580 --> 00:23:26,777 Your livelihood? You've got to be kidding. You're shitting money. 376 00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:28,493 Not that we ever get to see any of it. 377 00:23:28,620 --> 00:23:32,215 Oh, here we go. At last the truth comes out. 378 00:23:32,340 --> 00:23:35,219 He's no father-in-law to you, he's just some meal ticket. 379 00:23:35,340 --> 00:23:37,980 "A meal ticket"? You can't get a fucking drink out of him! 380 00:23:38,100 --> 00:23:40,614 Right. That's enough! Mick, go for a walk! 381 00:23:40,740 --> 00:23:42,174 "Go for a walk"? What's that supposed to mean? 382 00:23:42,300 --> 00:23:44,450 You're just upsetting everybody. Go for a walk! 383 00:23:44,580 --> 00:23:47,049 Where am I supposed to walk to? We're in the middle of bloody nowhere. 384 00:23:47,180 --> 00:23:48,136 (GROANS) 385 00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:49,489 Just go! 386 00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:58,498 - Mam, can I go for a swim? - Of course you can. Be careful. 387 00:23:58,620 --> 00:24:02,454 - Do you want me to go in with you, son? - No, you're all right. 388 00:24:21,420 --> 00:24:22,979 Oh! It's a bit cold. 389 00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:26,218 - Are your mates not coming in? - No, no, I don't think so. 390 00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:27,899 Oh, they seemed dead nice. 391 00:24:28,020 --> 00:24:30,534 Yeah, well, they're certainly very enthusiastic. 392 00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:35,574 So you found some trunks then? 393 00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:37,179 Oh, no, these are my pants. 394 00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:40,577 I'm afraid I'll have to go commando on the journey back. 395 00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:41,735 Where's that? 396 00:24:41,860 --> 00:24:45,137 No, go commando. It means to not wear any underwear. 397 00:24:45,940 --> 00:24:47,260 Oh, right. 398 00:24:48,380 --> 00:24:51,452 - Why don't you go commando now? - What, here? 399 00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:53,777 No, no, I don't think that's appropriate. 400 00:24:53,900 --> 00:24:57,530 Come on. Promise I won't look under the water. 401 00:24:57,660 --> 00:24:59,333 It'll really turn me on. 402 00:24:59,460 --> 00:25:02,054 No, I think what with the kiddies in the pool and... 403 00:25:02,180 --> 00:25:04,137 - I beg your pardon. - Come on, Martin. 404 00:25:04,260 --> 00:25:07,571 We came here as friends, but there's no denying there's a spark between us. 405 00:25:07,700 --> 00:25:11,933 There is? I mean... I mean, there is. I mean, I thought there might be. 406 00:25:12,060 --> 00:25:13,778 - Martin. - Yes? 407 00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:17,655 Get down in the water and slowly pull down your pants. 408 00:25:23,780 --> 00:25:25,498 People are looking. 409 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:29,253 No, they're not. 410 00:25:32,860 --> 00:25:34,931 Right. Now give them to me. 411 00:25:36,820 --> 00:25:39,016 And swim under the waterfall. 412 00:25:39,140 --> 00:25:42,132 I'll put these out to dry and I'll meet you back there in two minutes. 413 00:25:42,260 --> 00:25:43,773 Brandy, I, I. 414 00:25:45,860 --> 00:25:47,976 Two minutes. 415 00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:11,695 (LAUGHS) 416 00:26:12,580 --> 00:26:13,809 (SHUSHES) 417 00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:30,051 - You not hungry? - No. 418 00:26:32,780 --> 00:26:35,340 - You having a nice time? - Yes. 419 00:26:36,060 --> 00:26:38,779 I love to listen to English people argue. 420 00:26:41,220 --> 00:26:43,291 So, what's Paco short for? 421 00:26:44,580 --> 00:26:51,452 - I'm not short. I'm taller than you. - No. I mean, is Paco your full name? 422 00:26:51,580 --> 00:26:55,858 - Why do you ask these things? - Trying to get to know you. I like you. 423 00:26:58,220 --> 00:27:02,214 My name is Paco Benitez. I am 22 years old. 424 00:27:02,340 --> 00:27:05,890 I live in Albir with my boyfriend and our dog, Pipo. 425 00:27:06,020 --> 00:27:09,331 I like French cinema and my favourite colour is blue. 426 00:27:10,980 --> 00:27:13,779 You live in Albir with your boyfriend? 427 00:27:16,460 --> 00:27:19,373 Oh, my God. I've made such a fool of myself, haven't I? 428 00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:20,535 No. 429 00:27:21,140 --> 00:27:23,609 I've been trying my hardest with you all day 430 00:27:23,740 --> 00:27:25,617 and I've been getting absolutely nothing back. 431 00:27:25,740 --> 00:27:28,380 - But now it all makes sense. - Okay. 432 00:27:29,940 --> 00:27:31,169 (SCOFFS) 433 00:27:31,620 --> 00:27:33,975 I can be such an idiot sometimes. 434 00:27:35,620 --> 00:27:36,769 Crisp? 435 00:27:47,420 --> 00:27:48,569 (SIGHS) 436 00:27:54,380 --> 00:27:55,575 Brandy? 437 00:27:58,460 --> 00:27:59,780 Excuse me. 438 00:28:00,060 --> 00:28:03,098 That lady I was talking to earlier, did you see where she went? 439 00:28:03,380 --> 00:28:06,338 - Yeah, she got out. - Right. 440 00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:09,976 - Did she say where she was going? - No, but she took your clothes. 441 00:28:10,100 --> 00:28:11,374 Oh, God! 442 00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:12,729 (CHUCKLES) 443 00:28:12,860 --> 00:28:14,692 Brandy, where are you? 444 00:28:15,340 --> 00:28:16,933 This isn't funny! 445 00:28:17,060 --> 00:28:18,334 (LAUGHING) 446 00:28:19,060 --> 00:28:20,971 - What's your name? - Michael. 447 00:28:21,100 --> 00:28:23,660 Michael, I need your help. 448 00:28:31,180 --> 00:28:32,773 Did you not fancy a dip, Mel? 449 00:28:32,900 --> 00:28:35,540 Not after I've had something to eat. Very dangerous. 450 00:28:35,660 --> 00:28:37,537 You've only had a bag of crisps. 451 00:28:38,460 --> 00:28:39,575 Hiya. 452 00:28:40,620 --> 00:28:42,293 Look what I got. A bottle of that liqueur 453 00:28:42,420 --> 00:28:45,060 and some marmalade made out of the same stuff. 454 00:28:45,180 --> 00:28:47,012 What've you bought that for? 455 00:28:47,140 --> 00:28:50,292 - Thought you might like it. - There he goes wasting money again. 456 00:28:50,420 --> 00:28:51,694 You keep your nose out. 457 00:28:51,820 --> 00:28:53,219 Don't you speak to me mother like that. 458 00:28:53,340 --> 00:28:55,536 Oh, for Christ's sake. Don't start again. 459 00:28:55,660 --> 00:28:59,176 What have you got marmalade for? You know I'm not eating sweet stuff. 460 00:28:59,300 --> 00:29:02,850 You're not gonna get any fatter from a bit of marmalade. 461 00:29:02,980 --> 00:29:05,051 What do you mean, "fatter"? 462 00:29:07,700 --> 00:29:10,453 - I don't mean "fatter." I mean... - What? 463 00:29:10,580 --> 00:29:12,014 Fatter than I already am? 464 00:29:12,140 --> 00:29:14,097 (SCOFFS) You're not fat! 465 00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:17,018 Everybody puts a bit of weight on on holiday. 466 00:29:17,140 --> 00:29:18,699 (GASPS) You what? 467 00:29:19,180 --> 00:29:22,093 - What have I said now? - What have you said? 468 00:29:22,220 --> 00:29:23,699 You're nothing but an animal. 469 00:29:23,820 --> 00:29:25,970 Why I ever let an insensitive pig like you 470 00:29:26,100 --> 00:29:27,977 marry my daughter, I'll never know. 471 00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:31,695 - I never asked to marry her. - I beg your pardon. 472 00:29:32,620 --> 00:29:35,373 No. I don't mean I didn't want to marry you. I mean... 473 00:29:36,620 --> 00:29:38,293 Come here, mam. Don't upset yourself. 474 00:29:38,420 --> 00:29:39,569 What are you getting upset for? 475 00:29:39,700 --> 00:29:40,974 First you call your wife fatty, 476 00:29:41,100 --> 00:29:42,420 then you say you wish you'd never married her 477 00:29:42,540 --> 00:29:43,655 and you're asking why she's upset? 478 00:29:43,780 --> 00:29:46,169 Who said "fatty"? You're twisting me words. 479 00:29:46,300 --> 00:29:47,734 Janice, love, come here. 480 00:29:47,860 --> 00:29:49,692 - Come here, mam. - I'm all right. 481 00:29:49,820 --> 00:29:52,380 - Janice... - Just go away! 482 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:53,570 What are you... 483 00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:54,656 (CHUCKLES UNEASILY) 484 00:29:54,780 --> 00:29:56,771 Oh, my God. You're not crying? 485 00:29:56,900 --> 00:29:59,414 No, I'm not crying. I just want you to go away. 486 00:29:59,540 --> 00:30:00,735 Janice. 487 00:30:01,580 --> 00:30:02,809 Janice. 488 00:30:05,660 --> 00:30:07,492 Oh, for Christ's sake. 489 00:30:10,180 --> 00:30:11,375 Thanks. 490 00:30:17,460 --> 00:30:21,215 - It's okay. -(SNIFFS) I'm all right, I'm all right. 491 00:30:21,340 --> 00:30:23,900 I don't know why I let him get to me. 492 00:30:26,820 --> 00:30:29,778 - Eh, where's our Michael? - Oh, he'll be all right. 493 00:30:29,900 --> 00:30:32,130 How do you know he's all right? Telle, have you seen him? 494 00:30:32,260 --> 00:30:34,058 - No. - He went for a swim. 495 00:30:34,180 --> 00:30:37,059 Leave the lad alone, he's not a baby any more. 496 00:30:37,180 --> 00:30:39,217 What's the worst that could happen to him? 497 00:30:43,540 --> 00:30:46,054 Uh, excuse me. 498 00:30:56,900 --> 00:30:58,777 Sorry, I just had to... 499 00:30:59,380 --> 00:31:01,371 borrow your son for a bit. 500 00:31:03,660 --> 00:31:04,695 Hmm. 501 00:31:07,100 --> 00:31:10,570 Don't suppose anyone's got any spare clothes, have they? 502 00:31:16,500 --> 00:31:17,774 (LAUGHING) 503 00:31:34,820 --> 00:31:35,810 Hola. 504 00:31:35,940 --> 00:31:38,978 Hiya, love. I just wondered if you'd seen me husband anywhere. 505 00:31:39,100 --> 00:31:41,296 Your husband? No. 506 00:31:41,420 --> 00:31:44,173 Oh. Okay. Thank you. 507 00:31:54,220 --> 00:31:56,894 - Today you went to the waterfalls? - Yeah. 508 00:31:57,020 --> 00:31:59,739 - Did you enjoy? - Yeah, it was a nice day out. 509 00:31:59,860 --> 00:32:03,251 I just seem to have lost me husband somewhere along the way. 510 00:32:03,380 --> 00:32:06,020 Hmm. I can see much sadness in your eyes. 511 00:32:06,140 --> 00:32:07,414 You what? 512 00:32:07,540 --> 00:32:09,816 - I have a gift. - Have you now? 513 00:32:09,940 --> 00:32:12,659 Well, that's very kind of you but I don't think I want it. 514 00:32:12,780 --> 00:32:17,172 No, I have a gift. I can see deep into your soul. 515 00:32:17,620 --> 00:32:19,691 - Really? - Oh, yes. 516 00:32:20,500 --> 00:32:22,650 I can see you are not happy. 517 00:32:23,460 --> 00:32:27,613 Bloody hell, you're good, aren't you? How did you work that one out? 518 00:32:27,900 --> 00:32:30,130 Is it the lack of cartwheels I'm doing across the floor, 519 00:32:30,260 --> 00:32:32,456 or was it just a lucky guess? 520 00:32:34,820 --> 00:32:37,972 It's a crime to see such a beautiful woman alone. 521 00:32:38,900 --> 00:32:42,655 I you need some company this evening I am here for you. 522 00:32:43,180 --> 00:32:47,697 Yeah. Very flattering, I'm sure but I know all about you. 523 00:32:47,820 --> 00:32:49,731 You're the type that sits in the cinema 524 00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:53,979 with a box of popcorn on your lap with a hole cut out in the bottom. 525 00:33:00,020 --> 00:33:03,138 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 526 00:33:12,660 --> 00:33:13,889 (GASPS) 527 00:33:14,860 --> 00:33:18,012 I'm sorry, love, I'm not very good with languages. 528 00:33:18,980 --> 00:33:21,256 I know how to say "shut the window" in French. 529 00:33:21,380 --> 00:33:24,452 If your husband is lost, he's unlucky. 530 00:33:24,580 --> 00:33:28,938 If he chooses to stay away from such a beautiful woman, 531 00:33:29,060 --> 00:33:30,698 then he is a fool 532 00:33:32,020 --> 00:33:34,011 You are amazing. 533 00:33:35,140 --> 00:33:39,099 I would love to find out if what the English are saying is true. 534 00:33:40,820 --> 00:33:42,458 What are they saying? 535 00:33:42,580 --> 00:33:46,175 That you can play many a good tune on the old piano. 536 00:33:47,700 --> 00:33:49,099 "Old piano"? 537 00:33:51,820 --> 00:33:53,333 Perhaps I get the saying wrong? 538 00:33:53,460 --> 00:33:55,497 -"Old"? - I think I need to get back to work. 539 00:33:55,620 --> 00:33:57,418 Yeah, I think you do. 540 00:34:00,220 --> 00:34:01,813 - Is everything all right? - Fine. 541 00:34:01,940 --> 00:34:03,453 As long as you don't mind one of your bar staff 542 00:34:03,580 --> 00:34:06,015 being neutered in front of a bar full of holiday makers. 543 00:34:06,140 --> 00:34:08,859 Oh, that one. You'd have to join the queue. 544 00:34:12,740 --> 00:34:15,493 Are you finished in the bathroom, son? 545 00:34:15,620 --> 00:34:16,974 Nearly. 546 00:34:17,100 --> 00:34:19,660 - I want to talk to you. - Yeah. 547 00:34:19,780 --> 00:34:23,489 You've hardly said a word since you got back this afternoon. 548 00:34:23,620 --> 00:34:28,569 Just been fiddling with that phone of yours, beeping every five minutes. 549 00:34:28,700 --> 00:34:29,895 Hang on. 550 00:34:30,540 --> 00:34:31,689 Son... 551 00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:37,098 I want you to know I know how difficult it's been for you. 552 00:34:37,220 --> 00:34:41,532 And I want you to know I'm so proud of you. 553 00:34:41,660 --> 00:34:44,573 I just want you to be happy. 554 00:34:44,700 --> 00:34:48,898 And if that means you being with a man 555 00:34:49,020 --> 00:34:53,617 and getting one of them civilised partnerships, 556 00:34:53,740 --> 00:34:56,459 well, then I'll stick by you. 557 00:34:56,580 --> 00:35:01,939 I just need to know one thing before I put me foot in it tonight. 558 00:35:02,700 --> 00:35:03,735 (GARGLING) 559 00:35:03,860 --> 00:35:06,613 Are you ready to come out, son? 560 00:35:09,100 --> 00:35:12,650 I say, son, are you ready to come out? 561 00:35:12,780 --> 00:35:14,293 Yes, I'm ready. 562 00:35:15,460 --> 00:35:17,292 For God's sake, woman. 563 00:35:25,860 --> 00:35:29,251 - You all right? - I'm so proud of you! 564 00:35:29,380 --> 00:35:32,498 It's gonna be a wonderful night. 565 00:35:40,260 --> 00:35:41,580 We shouldn't have come out. 566 00:35:41,700 --> 00:35:44,055 Don't be stupid. This is the first place he'll come. 567 00:35:44,180 --> 00:35:46,740 Where's he been? What if he's still at the waterfalls? 568 00:35:46,860 --> 00:35:50,057 He'll come back, tail between his legs, stinking of booze. 569 00:35:50,180 --> 00:35:51,500 Men are all the same. 570 00:35:51,620 --> 00:35:54,339 I can't just sit here. It was me that told him to go away. 571 00:35:54,460 --> 00:35:56,497 Mam, chill out. He'll turn up. 572 00:35:57,540 --> 00:35:58,894 Any sign of him, Mel? 573 00:35:59,020 --> 00:36:00,055 No. 574 00:36:01,500 --> 00:36:03,298 I've asked everywhere and nobody's seen him. 575 00:36:03,420 --> 00:36:05,536 - Oh, God! - Well, it's not all bad news. 576 00:36:05,660 --> 00:36:06,616 - No? 577 00:36:06,740 --> 00:36:08,458 Apparently there's a singer on tonight. 578 00:36:08,580 --> 00:36:09,650 (CHUCKLES) 579 00:36:10,620 --> 00:36:13,009 - Oh, come on, Martin. It was a joke. - Really? 580 00:36:13,140 --> 00:36:15,336 Well, ha-bloody-ha. 581 00:36:15,460 --> 00:36:17,417 (CHUCKLES) Should've seen your face, 582 00:36:17,540 --> 00:36:21,773 creeping around naked with nothing but a terrified child to cover your modesty. 583 00:36:21,900 --> 00:36:23,698 You're lucky the villagers haven't been outside the apartment 584 00:36:23,820 --> 00:36:25,094 with burning torches. 585 00:36:25,220 --> 00:36:27,097 Really? well, when they do turn up, 586 00:36:27,220 --> 00:36:29,131 I'll point them to the person responsible, 587 00:36:29,260 --> 00:36:32,059 the bride of Frankenstein. That means you. 588 00:36:32,980 --> 00:36:34,539 Bride of Frankenstein? 589 00:36:34,660 --> 00:36:37,095 Burning torches, villagers, 590 00:36:37,220 --> 00:36:39,336 Frankenstein, it's a cinematic reference. 591 00:36:40,780 --> 00:36:41,770 I don't get it. 592 00:36:41,900 --> 00:36:44,972 Of course you don't get it, you're stupid. 593 00:36:45,740 --> 00:36:47,936 - There's no need to be like that. - Really? 594 00:36:48,060 --> 00:36:50,449 A bit like there's no need to completely humiliate me 595 00:36:50,580 --> 00:36:53,379 - in front of all those people? - Stop moaning and get a sense of humour. 596 00:36:53,500 --> 00:36:58,893 I will stop moaning if you stop being an annoying, uneducated, 597 00:36:59,020 --> 00:37:01,170 malicious, loud-mouthed, 598 00:37:01,300 --> 00:37:04,975 vulgar, short, irritating, 599 00:37:05,100 --> 00:37:08,218 unattractive, scouse twat! 600 00:37:09,900 --> 00:37:10,856 (GASPS) 601 00:37:11,140 --> 00:37:12,574 Unattractive? 602 00:37:13,780 --> 00:37:15,259 Do you know, Martin, 603 00:37:15,380 --> 00:37:17,212 you were on a promise tonight but I am warning you. 604 00:37:17,340 --> 00:37:20,093 If I leave this table, I will not be short of male attention. 605 00:37:20,220 --> 00:37:23,258 No, you'll just be short. 606 00:37:23,380 --> 00:37:24,575 (SCOFFS) 607 00:37:25,980 --> 00:37:27,653 You still here? 608 00:37:34,060 --> 00:37:35,209 Cheers! 609 00:37:35,580 --> 00:37:38,094 Good evening ladies and germs. 610 00:37:38,220 --> 00:37:39,938 ALL: (MUMBLING) Good evening. 611 00:37:40,060 --> 00:37:42,370 I said, "Good evening ladies and germs." 612 00:37:42,500 --> 00:37:44,173 ALL: Good evening. 613 00:37:44,300 --> 00:37:45,620 That's better. 614 00:37:45,740 --> 00:37:48,493 Well, some of you may already know we have a fabulous singer 615 00:37:48,620 --> 00:37:50,258 here at Neptune's tonight, 616 00:37:50,380 --> 00:37:53,338 Benidorm's favourite, Shaun Foster Conley. 617 00:37:53,460 --> 00:37:58,011 But before that, we have an old friend of Neptune's 618 00:37:58,140 --> 00:38:02,498 who'd like to say a few words. Let's give it up for Noreen! 619 00:38:02,620 --> 00:38:04,213 (ALL APPLAUDING) 620 00:38:04,340 --> 00:38:05,899 What's going on? 621 00:38:11,900 --> 00:38:13,129 Thank you, love. 622 00:38:14,860 --> 00:38:16,817 Ladies and gentlemen, 623 00:38:16,940 --> 00:38:19,659 there have been many times in my life 624 00:38:19,780 --> 00:38:23,569 when I've been proud of my only son, 625 00:38:23,700 --> 00:38:25,532 Geoff Maltby. 626 00:38:25,660 --> 00:38:27,094 She's me PA. 627 00:38:27,220 --> 00:38:32,169 His many achievements in life have been impressive and varied, 628 00:38:32,300 --> 00:38:36,419 from Lancashire Indoor Hang Gliding Champion 629 00:38:36,540 --> 00:38:39,100 to the only double winner 630 00:38:39,220 --> 00:38:43,293 of the Ormskirk Meat Plate Pie-Eating Competition, 631 00:38:43,420 --> 00:38:47,300 without the need of hospitalisation. 632 00:38:47,420 --> 00:38:48,455 (PEOPLE CHUCKLING) 633 00:38:48,580 --> 00:38:51,811 But these brave accomplishments 634 00:38:51,940 --> 00:38:56,173 pale into insignificance when I tell you 635 00:38:56,300 --> 00:38:58,496 that tonight's the night 636 00:38:58,620 --> 00:39:02,932 he's finally decided to stand tall 637 00:39:03,060 --> 00:39:05,973 and announce that he is 638 00:39:06,100 --> 00:39:09,889 a wonderful, happy, proud, 639 00:39:10,020 --> 00:39:11,897 gay man. 640 00:39:12,980 --> 00:39:14,254 You what? 641 00:39:16,700 --> 00:39:19,055 Well done, son. 642 00:39:19,180 --> 00:39:22,969 And this one is for you. 643 00:39:23,740 --> 00:39:26,050 (YMCA PLAYING) 644 00:39:35,100 --> 00:39:38,491 there's no need to feel down 645 00:39:38,620 --> 00:39:42,250 pick yourself off the ground 646 00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:46,135 'cause you're in a new town 647 00:39:46,260 --> 00:39:50,538 648 00:39:50,660 --> 00:39:53,778 there's a place you can go 649 00:39:53,900 --> 00:39:57,655 when you're short on your dough 650 00:39:57,780 --> 00:40:01,569 and I'm sure you will find 651 00:40:01,700 --> 00:40:06,012 652 00:40:08,340 --> 00:40:11,731 653 00:40:11,860 --> 00:40:16,730 654 00:40:16,860 --> 00:40:20,694 for you men to enjoy 655 00:40:20,820 --> 00:40:23,733 656 00:40:23,860 --> 00:40:27,330 - No! - Hey, hey, hey. Sit down, gay boy. 657 00:40:27,460 --> 00:40:28,894 Listen to your mama. 658 00:40:29,020 --> 00:40:32,251 - - 659 00:40:32,540 --> 00:40:34,133 660 00:40:34,260 --> 00:40:35,455 661 00:40:37,260 --> 00:40:38,614 662 00:40:39,820 --> 00:40:41,493 (GEOFF WHISPERING) 663 00:40:41,620 --> 00:40:43,372 (GEOFF'S MUM GRUNTS) 664 00:40:43,980 --> 00:40:45,937 665 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:49,493 666 00:40:49,620 --> 00:40:51,497 667 00:40:51,620 --> 00:40:56,012 668 00:40:56,140 --> 00:40:59,019 669 00:40:59,140 --> 00:41:01,211 670 00:41:01,340 --> 00:41:03,570 671 00:41:03,700 --> 00:41:04,974 - - 672 00:41:05,100 --> 00:41:06,613 673 00:41:06,740 --> 00:41:11,371 674 00:41:12,300 --> 00:41:14,371 (BRANDY CRYING) 675 00:41:16,620 --> 00:41:19,180 - Watch where you're going! - Sorry! 676 00:41:24,660 --> 00:41:29,018 Excuse me, have you seen a short man with an orange face? 677 00:41:29,140 --> 00:41:31,290 - You what? - The man with the shop. 678 00:41:31,420 --> 00:41:35,129 - It burned down. He owes me money. - I think he's in there. 679 00:41:36,060 --> 00:41:37,573 Are you okay? 680 00:41:38,420 --> 00:41:40,252 Yeah, I'm fine. 681 00:41:40,380 --> 00:41:42,451 You look sad. 682 00:41:43,020 --> 00:41:44,533 I'm all right. 683 00:41:45,420 --> 00:41:48,299 Did you have a disagree with your boyfriend? 684 00:41:48,660 --> 00:41:51,049 Yeah, but he's not my boyfriend. 685 00:41:52,020 --> 00:41:54,216 He's just a friend? 686 00:41:54,340 --> 00:41:57,378 (SCOFFS) He's probably not even that right now. 687 00:41:59,260 --> 00:42:01,695 - Do you think I'm unattractive? - No. 688 00:42:03,300 --> 00:42:05,052 Absolutely no. 689 00:42:06,140 --> 00:42:08,097 Then kiss me, you idiot. 690 00:42:12,140 --> 00:42:15,656 for you men to enjoy 691 00:42:15,780 --> 00:42:20,411 692 00:42:20,540 --> 00:42:22,053 (NOREEN LAUGHS) 693 00:42:24,740 --> 00:42:26,617 (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) 694 00:42:33,820 --> 00:42:37,051 Noreen's tribute to her big, gay son, Geoff. 695 00:42:37,180 --> 00:42:41,890 Congratulations, Geoff. We'll see you in the old town at some point. 696 00:42:42,020 --> 00:42:44,091 But moving right on, ladies and gentlemen, 697 00:42:44,220 --> 00:42:45,540 tonight's entertainment, 698 00:42:45,660 --> 00:42:48,891 Mr Shaun Foster Conley! 699 00:42:49,940 --> 00:42:51,658 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 700 00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:03,733 Ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked by Mick Garvey 701 00:43:03,860 --> 00:43:07,296 to sing this first song for his beautiful wife, Janice. 702 00:43:07,420 --> 00:43:11,812 The message is, "Listen to the words, Jan, I love you so much." 703 00:43:11,980 --> 00:43:13,459 (HERE IN MY HEART PLAYING) 704 00:43:22,700 --> 00:43:29,333 705 00:43:29,460 --> 00:43:35,979 706 00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:40,529 707 00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:47,498 708 00:43:50,300 --> 00:43:52,860 709 00:43:54,300 --> 00:43:58,658 710 00:44:00,700 --> 00:44:04,898 - Have you got anywhere we can go? - My girlfriend, she is at home. 711 00:44:05,660 --> 00:44:07,412 Come on. The beach. 712 00:44:15,660 --> 00:44:19,016 713 00:44:20,100 --> 00:44:26,290 714 00:44:28,380 --> 00:44:31,498 715 00:44:32,460 --> 00:44:33,973 716 00:44:34,100 --> 00:44:38,059 He's playing with your emotions. You won't see him again tonight. 717 00:44:38,180 --> 00:44:40,330 Is dad not coming back, mam? 718 00:44:41,500 --> 00:44:46,097 719 00:44:46,660 --> 00:44:51,131 720 00:44:51,260 --> 00:44:53,092 - Dad! - JANICE: Mick! 721 00:44:53,900 --> 00:44:55,379 (EXCLAIMS) 722 00:44:57,900 --> 00:44:59,732 Where have you been? 723 00:45:00,260 --> 00:45:01,739 I thought you'd had enough of me for one day 724 00:45:01,860 --> 00:45:03,419 so I made meself a bit scarce. 725 00:45:03,540 --> 00:45:07,454 - We've been worried about you. - I didn't mean to do that. I just... 726 00:45:07,580 --> 00:45:10,652 727 00:45:11,900 --> 00:45:14,619 I don't want you ever to get sick of the sight of me. 728 00:45:14,740 --> 00:45:16,651 Oh, don't be daft. 729 00:45:17,300 --> 00:45:19,211 I love you, Janice. 730 00:45:20,420 --> 00:45:22,536 - I love you so much. - Oh. 731 00:45:22,660 --> 00:45:25,459 732 00:45:25,580 --> 00:45:32,338