1 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:49,690 (GROANING) 2 00:00:54,940 --> 00:00:55,930 You all right, Madge? 3 00:00:56,580 --> 00:00:58,139 Do I look all right? 4 00:00:59,580 --> 00:01:01,332 Can I have a question on sport instead? 5 00:01:01,460 --> 00:01:02,416 (CONTINUES GROANING) 6 00:01:03,540 --> 00:01:05,099 Mam, can I have a drink? 7 00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:08,019 We haven't got any, darling. We'll be setting off soon. 8 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,096 (EXCLAIMS) 9 00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:10,415 It's too hot in here. 10 00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:12,451 Why don't they get the air conditioning going. 11 00:01:12,580 --> 00:01:14,253 'Cause they have to have the engines running for that. 12 00:01:14,380 --> 00:01:15,973 Why don't they start the engine, then? 13 00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:19,657 Have you any idea what toxic carbon emissions are doing to this world? 14 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,930 Don't talk to me about toxic emissions. 15 00:01:22,060 --> 00:01:25,371 I was sat next to that child of yours on the plane, I was nearly sick. 16 00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:27,970 - What do you mean by that? - What do you think I mean? 17 00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:30,018 It's bad enough with your father sat there 18 00:01:30,140 --> 00:01:31,813 farting like a lodging house cat 19 00:01:31,940 --> 00:01:34,614 without Julio dropping one every 20 minutes. 20 00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:37,699 The air was so thick I could hardly see me hand in front of me face. 21 00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:39,333 His name's Coolio. 22 00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:43,978 After this lot, that must be it. We've been here ages. 23 00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:49,250 Oh! Fancy bumping into you here. 24 00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:51,378 - Hiya! - You all right? 25 00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:53,858 We all ready for our fabulous free holiday? 26 00:01:54,020 --> 00:01:57,251 Oh, Christ! That's all we need, the bloody Village People. 27 00:01:57,820 --> 00:02:00,130 Go on! Keep moving down! 28 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,377 You can hardly breathe in here as it is. 29 00:02:03,660 --> 00:02:04,934 See you later, love. 30 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:06,690 Schnell, schnell, 31 00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:08,174 Mein Führer has spoken. 32 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:09,290 (LAUGHING) 33 00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:13,694 Bloody hell! Look who it is, I didn't think they'd be back. 34 00:02:14,540 --> 00:02:17,931 Free holiday, ain't it? Can't say no to that however posh you are. 35 00:02:18,540 --> 00:02:20,611 Oh, hello, all back again. 36 00:02:20,980 --> 00:02:23,051 Hopefully not such an eventful holiday this year. 37 00:02:23,220 --> 00:02:24,335 (LAUGHING) Hiya. 38 00:02:24,740 --> 00:02:27,129 You weren't on our flight from Manchester, were you? 39 00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:29,774 Um, no, Gatwick. But we had a few problems with our luggage. 40 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:33,256 That miserable wife of yours not still giving you the runaround is she? 41 00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:35,811 - Uh, not exactly. - The last thing I need 42 00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:38,216 is to be looking at her sour gob round the pool 43 00:02:38,340 --> 00:02:40,331 while I'm trying to enjoy me holiday! 44 00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:44,295 I know... And I'm saying them bags are Gucci and if they go missing again, 45 00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:46,855 I'll kick your bollocks so hard you'll be able to taste them. 46 00:02:47,580 --> 00:02:48,536 (SIGHS) 47 00:02:48,660 --> 00:02:51,857 Jesus! I'm sweating like a rapist. Is there no windows in this shitheap? 48 00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:55,211 Do you mind with the language? There are kiddies present. 49 00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:57,730 Chill out, grandma, it's supposed to be an holiday. 50 00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:00,377 BRANDY: Come on, Martin, the back seat's free. 51 00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:03,450 And before you ask, that's not an invitation for a quickie 52 00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:04,570 before we get there. 53 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:05,690 (JANICE GASPS) 54 00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:06,776 (MICK LAUGHS) 55 00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:08,493 She's joking. 56 00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:14,056 (JANICE SIGHS) 57 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:17,739 She's got a point about the windows. 58 00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:37,340 Hey! What are you doing? 59 00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:39,336 I'm not doing owt. 60 00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:41,656 You cannot reserve sunbeds with towels in the morning. 61 00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:43,935 What are you talking about? 62 00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:47,138 You have been here before. You know the rules. 63 00:03:47,260 --> 00:03:48,489 Oh, come on! Don't be tight. 64 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,614 You know how old me mam is? She needs a sunbed. 65 00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:56,093 I don't care if she's 100 years old. These are the rules, 66 00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:58,734 and if you don't like them, you can stay somewhere else. 67 00:04:01,260 --> 00:04:02,216 Don't make me angry. 68 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:04,853 You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. 69 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:07,859 - I don't like you now. - No. 70 00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:12,892 What I mean is, you really wouldn't like me when I'm angry. 71 00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:16,971 - I really don't like you now. - No, you don't understand. 72 00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:22,220 For the last year I've been training under a ninja master. 73 00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:26,297 My mind and body have been finely tuned. 74 00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:28,539 Finally chewed by what? 75 00:04:28,940 --> 00:04:31,853 No, not finally chewed. 76 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,892 Finely tuned. 77 00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:37,653 I think it's only fair to warn you. 78 00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:41,016 A bloke picked an argument with me at the airport 79 00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:44,254 and I nearly killed him. 80 00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:47,575 What did you do? Breathe on him? 81 00:04:50,260 --> 00:04:51,773 Morning, Geoff! 82 00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:53,733 Everything okay? 83 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:56,818 It's this one. El Jobsworth. 84 00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:58,659 And what seems to be the problem? 85 00:04:59,020 --> 00:05:02,138 You cannot reserve a sunbed with your towel. 86 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:04,857 It's against the rules. 87 00:05:04,980 --> 00:05:08,098 Yes, he's quite right. We've been coming here for 20 years 88 00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:12,539 and the rules categorically state, "You cannot reserve a sunbed 89 00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:14,374 "with your towel". 90 00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:17,618 - Thank you. - Would you like to borrow 91 00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:19,299 our towels, Geoff? 92 00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:21,692 You're all right, I've got a towel I... 93 00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,494 All right, yeah. Cheers! 94 00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:30,095 Here you go. 95 00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:33,896 - You can borrow ours. - JACQUELINE: Thank you. 96 00:05:37,660 --> 00:05:38,616 What are you doing? 97 00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:44,135 We are reserving our sunbeds with somebody else's towels. 98 00:05:44,580 --> 00:05:46,173 It's called a technicality. 99 00:05:46,420 --> 00:05:49,094 Us Brits have been winning by them for centuries. 100 00:05:49,540 --> 00:05:50,575 Breakfast, Geoff? 101 00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:52,216 Absolutely. 102 00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:03,890 That's unbelievable, is that. 103 00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:07,729 What's unbelievable about it? He's traded her in for a younger model. 104 00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:09,939 You want to keep your eye on that one. 105 00:06:10,140 --> 00:06:12,654 Won't be long before he starts looking for something similar. 106 00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:14,771 You're not exactly a spring chicken. 107 00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,493 Oh, charmed I'm sure. 108 00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:19,096 My beautiful wife may no longer be a spring chicken, 109 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:22,532 but at least she's got a while before she's like you, an oven-ready turkey. 110 00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:25,015 (LAUGHING) 111 00:06:25,140 --> 00:06:26,255 (CHANTING) Nana's a turkey. 112 00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:27,496 (MIMICS TURKEY) 113 00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:28,576 Sit down, Michael, 114 00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:31,294 or I'll tell the bogeyman to come and get you while you're sleeping 115 00:06:31,420 --> 00:06:32,694 in your bed tonight. 116 00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,329 JANICE: Bloody hell! 117 00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:36,337 What was that song them kids used to sing? 118 00:06:36,460 --> 00:06:38,451 There's No One Quite Like Grandma. 119 00:06:39,180 --> 00:06:42,059 Hey, talking of the bogeyman, when was the last time you spoke to Mel? 120 00:06:42,380 --> 00:06:44,257 I spoke to him before we got on the plane. 121 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:47,050 Oh, I didn't actually speak to him, I sent him a text. 122 00:06:47,180 --> 00:06:51,060 A text? Who dragged you kicking and screaming into the 21st century? 123 00:06:51,260 --> 00:06:52,978 I thought you just sent smoke signals. 124 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:58,778 Bloody hell! I think you were exaggerating when you said 21st century. 125 00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,578 There's nothing on the screen. 126 00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:02,691 Does that mean he hasn't replied? 127 00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,659 - Give us it here. - Don't you break that. 128 00:07:04,780 --> 00:07:05,815 It's worth a lot of money. 129 00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:08,415 - To who? The Antiques Roadshow? - Hmm. 130 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:12,451 - Batteries dead. - She's broken it. I knew she would. 131 00:07:12,620 --> 00:07:15,453 She's always been a lumpy, ham-fisted child, that one. 132 00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:17,771 - Frig off! - Oi, that's enough. 133 00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:18,856 Give it here! 134 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:20,896 Mam, 135 00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:24,340 how does the bogeyman know where we've gone on holiday? 136 00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:26,491 He doesn't, darling. Come sit with me. 137 00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:29,459 I don't wanna sit with you. I wanna go home. 138 00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:32,459 What are you doing, you flaming idiot? It's in bits now. 139 00:07:32,580 --> 00:07:33,536 Checking the battery. 140 00:07:33,660 --> 00:07:36,971 You can't bear to see anyone with something you haven't got, can you? 141 00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:39,171 What would I want this for? A frigging doorstop? 142 00:07:39,420 --> 00:07:42,219 Telle, lend your nana your phone so she can phone Mel. 143 00:07:42,540 --> 00:07:43,655 - Piss off! - MADGE: Piss off? 144 00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:44,929 Did you hear her, then, tell me to piss off... 145 00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:46,176 - I wanna go home. - Don't talk 146 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,449 - to your mother like that... - You're not that big 147 00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:49,332 -that I can't put you across my lap... - What's your tariff? 148 00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:50,734 For God's sake! 149 00:07:50,860 --> 00:07:53,136 MICK: I need to know the tariff so I can see if it's working properly. 150 00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:54,330 MADGE: It's not working properly, you broke it. 151 00:07:54,460 --> 00:07:55,416 (ALL ARGUING) 152 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:57,258 It's like one of those sophisticated weekend breaks 153 00:07:57,380 --> 00:07:59,451 on the Orient Express, isn't it? 154 00:07:59,860 --> 00:08:02,010 I've got a lot of family who've been to Benidorm. 155 00:08:02,660 --> 00:08:05,220 I've heard some of the people can be as rough as a dog's arse. 156 00:08:05,340 --> 00:08:06,296 (SNORTS) 157 00:08:07,060 --> 00:08:08,130 You don't say. 158 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:10,253 I'm Troy, this is Gavin. 159 00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,493 I'm Brandy, this is Martin. 160 00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:16,893 Yeah, we met Martin before, but you weren't together then, were you? 161 00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:19,171 No, no, we're just friends. 162 00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:21,052 Right, friends. 163 00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:22,814 You're both gay, aren't you? 164 00:08:23,740 --> 00:08:25,060 Uh... Yes. 165 00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:28,258 And you must be from the Merseyside chapter of the Sherlock Holmes Society. 166 00:08:28,580 --> 00:08:29,900 I love gay people, you know. 167 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:33,252 Even though their lives are often filled with tragedy and personal loss. 168 00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:36,169 You know, all your friends dying from the AIDS and that. 169 00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:40,460 Enduring a lifetime of being persecuted and victimised just for being different. 170 00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:43,135 But despite all that, they're always happy and laughing, aren't they? 171 00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:47,650 Well, we were. 172 00:08:52,380 --> 00:08:54,053 Don't be on it long, I ain't got much credit. 173 00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:55,250 Is it ringing, mam? 174 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:56,980 I can't work it out. 175 00:08:57,260 --> 00:08:58,409 Well, is there somebody there? 176 00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:00,293 Yeah, but she's just talking rubbish. 177 00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:03,137 Can you hear me all right? 178 00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:06,009 I want to speak to Mel! 179 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,538 (SIGHS) WILL you stop talking while I'm talking! 180 00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:12,219 - Who was it? - I don't know, 181 00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:14,980 but she's an ignorant git, just kept talking over me. 182 00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,530 You rang my voicemail, you dickhead! 183 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:21,092 - How long's that been on? - Hey, language, lady. 184 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,450 Brilliant! Now I'm out of credit. 185 00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:28,051 Here we are! Benidorm here we come! 186 00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:29,250 (ALL CHEERING) 187 00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:34,620 (ALL SIGHING) 188 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:37,129 You've got to be joking! What's the hold-up? 189 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,298 - Right, I'm getting off. - Where are you going? 190 00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:41,212 - I'm gonna talk to someone. - Who are you gonna talk to? 191 00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,411 I don't know. Somebody to get this bloody coach moving. 192 00:09:43,540 --> 00:09:44,814 Oh, sit down! 193 00:09:45,220 --> 00:09:47,052 They'll set off when they're ready to go. 194 00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:50,493 The English don't complain enough. 195 00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:53,016 If we were in America, this coach would be up in arms. 196 00:09:53,140 --> 00:09:55,495 If we were in America, there'd be nothing to complain about 197 00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:57,418 'cause we'd be going somewhere decent. 198 00:09:57,980 --> 00:10:00,130 Are you excited, Michael? I bet you can't wait 199 00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:02,217 - to get in that pool - No. 200 00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:06,337 Ungrateful little swine and we know where he gets that from. 201 00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:07,689 He's not ungrateful. 202 00:10:07,820 --> 00:10:09,936 Thanks to you, he thinks he's booked on a seven-day holiday 203 00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:11,175 with Freddy Krueger. 204 00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:14,858 I don't wanna go to Benidorm, I wanna go home. 205 00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:17,580 - Oh, well done. - Has no one else got a phone? 206 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,374 - I said I'd ring him every day. - You'll be seeing him soon. 207 00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,013 It's not far, once we get going. 208 00:10:22,180 --> 00:10:25,730 He's been here all week on his own. He doesn't mix well with other people. 209 00:10:26,020 --> 00:10:27,852 Just 'cause he's a successful businessman 210 00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:29,653 doesn't mean to say he's outgoing. 211 00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:33,176 He's one of the most painfully shy, introverted people I've ever known. 212 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,653 He'd rather die than draw attention to himself. 213 00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,176 MICK: Oh, my God! 214 00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:13,818 Oi! Where do you think you're going? 215 00:11:14,420 --> 00:11:15,535 Bocadillo. 216 00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:16,616 "Boca" what? 217 00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:20,771 Bocadillo is sandwich. Time for break. 218 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:23,414 I said you could go for your break when you finish doing the lights. 219 00:11:23,740 --> 00:11:24,696 Sí. 220 00:11:24,820 --> 00:11:25,810 Lights are finished. 221 00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:29,093 What are you talking about, finished? There are more boxes of light back there 222 00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:30,654 than Blackpool illuminations. 223 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,773 - No, it's too much. - Too much? 224 00:11:34,580 --> 00:11:37,652 The lights here are good, yes? It look nice. 225 00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:41,577 Too much lights, it's making this chillón. 226 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,657 You say... tacky. 227 00:11:44,060 --> 00:11:45,016 Tacky? 228 00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:46,330 Sí. 229 00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:49,737 Tacky is vulgar, 230 00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:52,659 crude, without taste. 231 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,340 - I know what tacky means. - Okay. 232 00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:59,174 Oi, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, get back here. 233 00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:02,896 Señor Harvey. 234 00:12:03,060 --> 00:12:05,017 There's 20 boxes of these in the back. 235 00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:08,770 If there's a single light not used in and around this shop when I get back 236 00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:11,335 the only thing that will be without taste will be you, 237 00:12:11,780 --> 00:12:14,010 'cause you'd be eating your bocadillo through a straw. 238 00:12:30,420 --> 00:12:32,013 ALL: Cheers! 239 00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:34,490 Bottoms up! No offence. 240 00:12:34,700 --> 00:12:36,020 Oh, it's nice, is that. 241 00:12:36,220 --> 00:12:38,211 It's called a Pink Pussy. 242 00:12:39,140 --> 00:12:40,130 And that's why we're here. 243 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,614 DONALD: Mmm. 244 00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:45,452 I've never had a Pink Pussy before, they're quite moreish. 245 00:12:45,980 --> 00:12:47,698 I'm surprised I managed to keep mine down. 246 00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:51,018 You know, I look up at the top of that building and I still feel a bit queasy. 247 00:12:51,140 --> 00:12:52,414 I know what you mean. 248 00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:54,657 Jacqueline and I both get dizzy in high heels, 249 00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:57,010 so you can imagine how I felt up there. 250 00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:59,490 Do you know, I just have to close my eyes 251 00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:02,089 and I'm back up there on the top of that roof, 252 00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,650 terrified of saying the wrong word 253 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,540 and being either shot or chucked over the edge 254 00:13:07,660 --> 00:13:09,571 by that long-haired lunatic. 255 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:13,574 Yes, I must admit I've had more than a few sleepless nights since... 256 00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,532 Hang on a minute! You weren't up there. 257 00:13:16,620 --> 00:13:18,019 - Wasn't I? - GAVIN: No! 258 00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:20,177 No, you definitely weren't up there with us. 259 00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:22,412 All that business on the top of the roof 260 00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:24,537 with the helicopter and all that? 261 00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:27,135 No, you were down here looking after the kids. 262 00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:30,612 - We haven't got any kids. - Not our kids. 263 00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:33,175 Do you not remember, you watched it from down here? 264 00:13:34,820 --> 00:13:37,289 Was I at that wedding on the beach 265 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:40,299 where what's-his-face turned up on a parachute? 266 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:43,094 - Yes. - Yeah, I thought I was! 267 00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:46,014 Oh, you two must think I'm going mad. 268 00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:47,609 - Not mad... 269 00:13:47,740 --> 00:13:49,139 More clinically insane. 270 00:13:49,260 --> 00:13:50,659 (ALL LAUGHING) 271 00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:02,049 - Hola! - Oh, hi, mate, you all right? 272 00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:03,579 Yeah, not too bad, thanks. 273 00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:05,453 Could I have a... 274 00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:08,291 Right, yeah, that'll be fine thanks. 275 00:14:09,980 --> 00:14:11,254 - Just checked in. - Mmm. 276 00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,249 Absolutely. A few beers to settle the old jet lag. 277 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:18,255 Jet lag? Where have you come from? 278 00:14:18,380 --> 00:14:20,132 Croydon. It was just a joke. 279 00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,416 Oh right. 280 00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:24,934 Missus not down yet? Forgotten her name. 281 00:14:25,060 --> 00:14:26,459 No, no, erm... 282 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:32,539 (STUTTERING) We've kind of, well... We've separated. I'm here with a friend. 283 00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:34,016 Oh, right. 284 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,929 I'd normally offer my sympathy but... 285 00:14:37,340 --> 00:14:39,775 I reckon you're well-shut of the sour-faced old cow. 286 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,377 Well, we're still in touch. Kind of... 287 00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,496 Here you are Martin. Look after that will you. 288 00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:50,338 (SIGHS) I think I've got the squits. 289 00:14:50,580 --> 00:14:52,571 - Are the bog's over there, yeah? - Uh, yes. 290 00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:01,694 Bloody hell! You've done all right for yourself there, mate. 291 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,134 Where did you find that one? 292 00:15:03,260 --> 00:15:06,093 No, no, no, she's not, um... We're not, uh... 293 00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:13,175 (STUTTERING) Well, uh, yeah, I suppose I could have done worse. 294 00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:16,772 This girl, she's with you? 295 00:15:17,260 --> 00:15:18,898 Oh, yeah! 296 00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:33,817 Come on, mam! Get settled. That one's yours. 297 00:15:34,060 --> 00:15:38,258 Don't want a sunbed. I want a scooter. Why can't I go to Mel's shop now? 298 00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:40,769 Just lie down, mam. Relax, you're on holiday. 299 00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,732 Yeah, chill out, for God's sake. 300 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,493 I don't know what you're sitting down for. 301 00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:47,220 Mel'll have plenty for you to be getting on with in the new shop. 302 00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:48,455 I'm on me holidays. 303 00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:51,936 You are an employee of Mel Harvey Leisure Industries Limited. 304 00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:55,339 Not that he's ever had a word of thanks for giving you the job. 305 00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,294 - My dad didn't want a job from Mel. - Exactly. 306 00:15:58,420 --> 00:15:59,819 Never asked that man for a penny. 307 00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:02,773 He didn't want a job full stop. He were right annoyed when Mel took him on. 308 00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:06,058 Me dad said we'll get all of Mel's money when he dies, 309 00:16:06,260 --> 00:16:08,695 - but I don't want him to die. - Don't tell fibs, Michael. 310 00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:09,855 'When have I ever said that? 311 00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:11,778 - Every time you see Mel. - Get in that pool. 312 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,299 You're supposed to be on holiday. 313 00:16:16,060 --> 00:16:17,130 Madge! 314 00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,052 Mel! 315 00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:22,216 Here we are. Love's young dream. 316 00:16:22,380 --> 00:16:26,055 Them dreams have a special name. They're called nightmares. 317 00:16:27,860 --> 00:16:30,170 Oh, my God, I'm gonna puke. 318 00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:34,890 - Oh, Mel. - Mel! 319 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,571 Hey, Cheeky Charlie, I've got something for you. 320 00:16:38,740 --> 00:16:39,969 Oh, thanks, Mel. 321 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:43,099 Thought you were gonna call me when you landed. 322 00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:44,933 The battery on me phone was dead. 323 00:16:45,060 --> 00:16:47,131 Oh, I'll charge you up. No danger. 324 00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,132 (MADGE GIGGLING) 325 00:16:49,620 --> 00:16:51,497 Do you mind. You're upsetting me son! 326 00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,056 Talking of charging, did you not see your scooter as you came in? 327 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,853 - I left it plugged in at reception. - No. 328 00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:57,300 Well, come on, let's get it. 329 00:16:57,500 --> 00:17:00,697 -(GASPS) Mel, can I come? - MEL: Of course you can. Come on. 330 00:17:05,260 --> 00:17:06,898 Yeah, our flight were fine, thanks. 331 00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:11,099 Yeah, it's nice to see you and all. Ignorant get! 332 00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,616 And if he thinks I'm gonna be running round after him and his shop 333 00:17:13,740 --> 00:17:15,970 while I'm on my holidays, he can piss off! 334 00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:20,372 - Well, you do work for him now. - Not while I'm on my holidays, I don't. 335 00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:22,937 Now, if you don't mind, it's been a long morning, 336 00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:24,858 I've had a very nice bottle of beer, 337 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:28,658 and now I'm gonna get me head down for half an hour in the sun. 338 00:17:28,820 --> 00:17:29,969 (SIGHS) 339 00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:34,571 You're supposed to be opening a shop here. 340 00:17:34,740 --> 00:17:36,413 (SIGHS) What have I just said? 341 00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,735 I think he expects you to help him while you're here. 342 00:17:41,940 --> 00:17:43,089 Yeah, well, I'm not. 343 00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:47,611 - He can hardly open a shop on his own. - Oh, for fuck's sake. 344 00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:52,933 (HORN BLOWING) 345 00:17:57,060 --> 00:17:58,175 MICK: Jesus! 346 00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,813 It's Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang. 347 00:18:00,220 --> 00:18:02,211 MADGE: Hey, look at this. 348 00:18:02,340 --> 00:18:04,616 You're not gonna be on that for this whole holiday, are you? 349 00:18:04,740 --> 00:18:06,970 Here you are. Give out some of these leaflets. 350 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:10,775 It's the grand opening for Mel's new shop, 6:00 tonight. 351 00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:12,015 You can shove it. 352 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,335 All right, give them here. 353 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,656 Mel said for you to go meet him in reception. 354 00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:17,175 I'm off for a spin. 355 00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:21,170 - Can I come, nana? - No, you frigging can't. It's not a toy. 356 00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,574 (LAUGHING) 357 00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:33,174 (GROANS) 358 00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:39,014 (SIGHS) I'm stuck on this one, as well. 359 00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:40,290 What's the clue? 360 00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,733 Three down, comedy actor. 361 00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:46,739 Sang My Boomerang won't Come Back. 362 00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:49,660 Oh, I know this one. Rolf Harris. 363 00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:53,296 - Charlie Drake. - It was never Charlie Drake. 364 00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:56,572 She's the one that does the gardening without her bra. 365 00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:59,852 No! You're thinking of Alan Titchmarsh. 366 00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:02,017 It could be Tommy Walsh. 367 00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:03,858 It's got nothing to do with gardening. 368 00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:06,973 My Boomerang won't Come Back was sung by Charlie Drake. 369 00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:10,656 - Twelve letters... - Why don't you leave it blank 370 00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:13,176 and try one that goes across it. 371 00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:16,213 - It's Charlie Drake! - Five across... 372 00:19:17,580 --> 00:19:19,810 Oh, we won't get this one. 373 00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:21,858 Record producer, 374 00:19:21,980 --> 00:19:25,575 originated the Wall of Sound technique. 375 00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:29,580 Evel Knievel. Oh, no. That's the Wall of Death. 376 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,414 Phil Silvers. Your turn. 377 00:19:32,740 --> 00:19:37,610 I used to love Phil Silvers in that programme. What was it called? 378 00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:41,137 - Inspector Gadget. - Sergeant Bilko. 379 00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,890 Eleven letters... 380 00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:50,572 - Yeah. Phil Silvers, it fits. - It's Phil Spector. 381 00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:53,169 It's all right, son, we've got it. 382 00:19:53,580 --> 00:19:56,140 You've not got it. You've got it wrong. 383 00:19:56,420 --> 00:20:00,300 - It's Phil Spector. - Who played Willy Wonka 384 00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:06,053 in the 1971 film, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? 385 00:20:06,220 --> 00:20:07,176 Gene Wilder. 386 00:20:07,420 --> 00:20:08,979 No, it was a fella. 387 00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,330 He had a top hat, I remember that. 388 00:20:11,540 --> 00:20:12,610 Gene Wilder. 389 00:20:12,980 --> 00:20:14,891 It's Gene, spelt with a "G." 390 00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:17,296 Oh, was he The Cat in the Hat as well? 391 00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:21,539 Did you ever see Fritz the Cat? Quite saucy for a cartoon. 392 00:20:22,780 --> 00:20:23,850 What's wrong with you all? 393 00:20:24,420 --> 00:20:26,491 You're all just sitting here talking rubbish. 394 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,250 You've not got one of those questions right. 395 00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:32,777 - It doesn't really matter. - Of course it matters. 396 00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:35,333 What if I threw a five and a four and said, 397 00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:37,371 "Well, it's more or less a double six." 398 00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:40,379 -I wouldn't mind. - Well, you should mind. 399 00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:44,138 Or else... Or else what's the point of it all? 400 00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:47,378 - Well, it's only a game. - Only a game? 401 00:20:49,260 --> 00:20:50,694 Only a game? 402 00:20:51,820 --> 00:20:55,370 Did John McEnroe say, "It's only a game," when he lost to Bjorn Borg 403 00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:58,737 in the 1980 tie-breaker Wimbledon final? 404 00:20:59,820 --> 00:21:03,654 Did Chelsea say, "It's only a game," when they lost four-nil to Man United 405 00:21:03,780 --> 00:21:05,418 in the '94 FA Cup? 406 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:08,730 Did Daley Thompson say, "It's only a game," 407 00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:12,336 when he came fourth in the decathlon in 1988 408 00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:15,937 after winning gold in '80 and '84? 409 00:21:21,340 --> 00:21:22,819 (CLEARS THROAT) 410 00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:25,251 Who said, 411 00:21:25,380 --> 00:21:29,010 "I can resist anything but temptation"? 412 00:21:30,460 --> 00:21:32,895 - Uh, 10 letters... - Oh, shut up! 413 00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:42,420 Dawn French? 414 00:22:06,940 --> 00:22:09,978 Tsk. Excuse me, have you got Wi-fi here? 415 00:22:10,220 --> 00:22:11,733 We've got Scrabble, behind the reception, 416 00:22:11,860 --> 00:22:13,419 but I think some of the letters are missing. 417 00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:15,770 No, Wi-fi. You know, wireless internet. 418 00:22:16,140 --> 00:22:18,609 You're joking. You're lucky if the lifts work. 419 00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:22,854 Oh there you are. Been looking everywhere for you. 420 00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:26,058 What sort of a dump is this? They haven't even got Wi-fi. 421 00:22:26,540 --> 00:22:28,531 You shouldn't be checking e-mails. You're on holiday. 422 00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:30,300 I wasn't checking me e-mail. 423 00:22:30,580 --> 00:22:32,093 I was trying to find somewhere to go out tonight. 424 00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:34,734 All right, well there's Neptune's. That's mostly karaoke, 425 00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:37,500 but they sometimes have a singer on or a quiz. 426 00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:39,372 I'm not staying in this old fogies' home. 427 00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:41,658 People sitting in them spacker chariots, 428 00:22:42,140 --> 00:22:45,337 listening to Des O'Connor, drinking pale ale with a Gaviscon chaser. 429 00:22:46,140 --> 00:22:49,132 Right, well I'm not really one for nightclubs, to be honest. 430 00:22:49,740 --> 00:22:52,334 No worries, I can go on my own. We're not joined at the hip, are we? 431 00:22:52,700 --> 00:22:54,259 Uh, no. No, we're not. 432 00:22:55,460 --> 00:22:59,738 Can you lend me 20... Um, actually better make that 30 euros. 433 00:23:00,260 --> 00:23:02,012 I haven't actually got any cash with me. 434 00:23:02,660 --> 00:23:03,934 You've come on holiday with no money? 435 00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:05,932 Well, it is all-inclusive. 436 00:23:06,740 --> 00:23:10,210 Right. I'll just spend me evening sitting with a family of fat retards 437 00:23:10,460 --> 00:23:12,531 wearing Kiss Me Quick hats and singing Agadoo. 438 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:13,856 (SCOFFS) 439 00:23:15,940 --> 00:23:17,931 I actually have got some money, but, um... 440 00:23:18,300 --> 00:23:20,530 Well, it's kind of for emergencies. 441 00:23:21,340 --> 00:23:24,219 My mum used to say to me, "Always keep tuppence in your shoe. 442 00:23:24,380 --> 00:23:26,178 "You never know when you might need to call home." 443 00:23:27,340 --> 00:23:29,536 Tuppence? How old are you? 444 00:23:30,620 --> 00:23:33,692 I can remember when you could go out, buy a new suit, 445 00:23:33,820 --> 00:23:36,619 have a night on t'tiles, fish supper, taxi home 446 00:23:36,740 --> 00:23:39,493 and still have change from a fiver. 447 00:23:44,060 --> 00:23:45,175 I'm 32, 448 00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:48,253 I'll catch up with you later. 449 00:23:49,740 --> 00:23:51,333 We could have a stroll up the road. 450 00:23:51,460 --> 00:23:53,974 There's a nightclub in the shape of a spaceship. 451 00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,773 We could look at that. 452 00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:57,174 I said I'll catch up with you later. 453 00:23:57,300 --> 00:23:58,415 Yeah, right. 454 00:24:00,580 --> 00:24:01,650 (SIGHS) 455 00:24:02,580 --> 00:24:06,460 Somebody's got the Scrabble but I found a pack of cards and a skipping rope. 456 00:24:06,940 --> 00:24:08,817 Are you taking the piss? 457 00:24:09,340 --> 00:24:12,059 - Suit yourself. - No, actually leave them out, will you? 458 00:24:12,180 --> 00:24:15,935 If I can't find anyone to have a game of snap with, I can always hang meself. 459 00:24:16,340 --> 00:24:17,660 You wouldn't be the first. 460 00:24:24,100 --> 00:24:25,170 (EXHALING) 461 00:24:56,620 --> 00:24:57,655 owl 462 00:25:03,660 --> 00:25:05,776 (SLURRING) Didn't think it would be that hot. 463 00:25:10,140 --> 00:25:12,290 JANICE: I can't believe you've not been in that pool yet. 464 00:25:12,420 --> 00:25:13,740 I'm not bothered. 465 00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:15,658 Couldn't keep you out of it last year. 466 00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:16,975 Does me nana like me? 467 00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:20,536 Of course she does! What a thing to say. 468 00:25:21,540 --> 00:25:24,009 Your nana's funny. She's... 469 00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:27,935 She's never been very good at showing people she loves them. 470 00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:30,734 Yeah. Didn't Hitler have the same problem? 471 00:25:30,860 --> 00:25:34,410 Me nana said that the Bogeyman was gonna get me when I go to sleep tonight. 472 00:25:34,740 --> 00:25:36,253 But I don't believe in the Bogeyman. 473 00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:38,212 Good, because he doesn't exist. 474 00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:40,536 Shame we can't say the same about me nana. 475 00:25:41,220 --> 00:25:42,813 Then why did she say it? 476 00:25:43,380 --> 00:25:45,178 It was just a joke. 477 00:25:45,540 --> 00:25:47,736 Me nana's jokes are rubbish. 478 00:25:48,260 --> 00:25:49,773 Oi, oi, saveloy! 479 00:25:49,900 --> 00:25:52,540 What are you doing? Mel's waiting for you in reception. 480 00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:54,651 I've just taken something out of one of the suitcases 481 00:25:54,780 --> 00:25:57,693 that might bring a smile to this young man's sorry-looking face. 482 00:25:57,820 --> 00:25:59,174 Is it me nana's head? 483 00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:00,335 What is it? 484 00:26:00,860 --> 00:26:02,976 Well, you won't know unless you take it out the bag, will you? 485 00:26:06,580 --> 00:26:08,173 - It's a boat! - I know. 486 00:26:08,820 --> 00:26:11,130 - It's remote-controlled! - I know! 487 00:26:11,980 --> 00:26:14,540 Oh, my God! Can I play with it now? 488 00:26:14,660 --> 00:26:16,617 No, I only brought it with us so you could look at it. 489 00:26:16,740 --> 00:26:18,458 - Give us it back. - No way! 490 00:26:19,100 --> 00:26:20,295 Thanks, dad. 491 00:26:20,980 --> 00:26:22,129 Oh, aren't you lovely? 492 00:26:22,260 --> 00:26:25,810 Hmm. Do you think so? Hmm. 493 00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:27,975 Do you mind? 494 00:26:28,100 --> 00:26:31,297 Stop it! Not here! Come on. You've got a business meeting with Mel. 495 00:26:31,580 --> 00:26:33,617 Got a bit of business here I want to sort out first. 496 00:26:33,740 --> 00:26:34,730 (JANICE LAUGHING) 497 00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:37,136 Oh, my God! Don't look. 498 00:26:38,300 --> 00:26:39,973 (JANICE AND MICK MOANING) 499 00:26:47,580 --> 00:26:48,775 You all right? 500 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,174 Yeah, great, thanks. 501 00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:54,735 - Cool little boat. - Thanks, me dad bought it me. 502 00:27:00,140 --> 00:27:01,210 (BOAT ENGINE WHIRRING) 503 00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:04,849 (HONKING) 504 00:27:05,940 --> 00:27:07,055 (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) 505 00:27:09,340 --> 00:27:11,172 Whoa! Can I have a go? 506 00:27:12,460 --> 00:27:13,655 Be my guest. 507 00:27:15,340 --> 00:27:16,296 (BOAT HONKING) 508 00:27:16,860 --> 00:27:17,895 (EXCLAIMING) 509 00:27:29,580 --> 00:27:31,298 Hey! What are you doing? 510 00:27:31,420 --> 00:27:33,411 This is not allowed. No boats on the swimming pool. 511 00:27:33,540 --> 00:27:35,338 It's not a boat, it's an hovercraft. 512 00:27:35,460 --> 00:27:36,416 Give it here. 513 00:27:36,540 --> 00:27:37,655 Hey, what do you think you're doing? Get off... 514 00:27:37,780 --> 00:27:38,736 This is not allowed. 515 00:27:38,860 --> 00:27:39,850 He's only 11. 516 00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:42,813 - Oh, just because... - MICK: Get off of me, you big... 517 00:27:43,380 --> 00:27:45,656 Well, you've done it! That cost 200 quid. 518 00:28:14,940 --> 00:28:16,339 (ENGINE SPUTTERING) 519 00:28:20,700 --> 00:28:22,930 You, go find Mel. 520 00:28:23,060 --> 00:28:26,690 You, come with me and you, grow up! 521 00:28:42,380 --> 00:28:44,576 Oh, there you are. You took your time. 522 00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:47,852 Yeah. Listen, Mel, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. 523 00:28:47,980 --> 00:28:48,970 Oh, aye? 524 00:28:49,100 --> 00:28:51,410 Yeah, when you came out here to open the shop 525 00:28:51,540 --> 00:28:53,736 I assumed if you'd wanted me to be involved in it 526 00:28:53,860 --> 00:28:55,498 I'd have come out here with you. 527 00:28:55,620 --> 00:28:58,214 How could you do that? You've been looking after the sunbed shops at home. 528 00:28:58,340 --> 00:29:01,537 Yeah! Exactly! So, now, I'm on me holidays! 529 00:29:01,660 --> 00:29:02,730 Right. 530 00:29:03,260 --> 00:29:05,092 Well, if you can afford to have a week without pay. 531 00:29:05,220 --> 00:29:06,893 Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a minute. 532 00:29:08,260 --> 00:29:09,819 You said you were gonna pay me for this week. 533 00:29:09,940 --> 00:29:11,931 But I was gonna pay you 'cause you were gonna be working. 534 00:29:12,060 --> 00:29:13,619 I'm on holiday with me family! 535 00:29:13,740 --> 00:29:16,573 You think I've made Mel Harvey Leisure Industries Limited 536 00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:18,657 what it is today by going on holiday? 537 00:29:18,780 --> 00:29:21,294 I'm not spending my holiday renting out electric wheelchairs 538 00:29:21,420 --> 00:29:25,175 to fat, bone-idle alcoholics who are too lazy to walk to the pub. 539 00:29:25,940 --> 00:29:27,010 All right? 540 00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:33,259 Wasn't talking about you. 541 00:29:35,580 --> 00:29:37,218 I didn't mean you. 542 00:29:38,420 --> 00:29:39,649 That's... 543 00:29:40,940 --> 00:29:42,897 probably glandular, isn't it? 544 00:29:45,020 --> 00:29:46,977 You're not even that fat. 545 00:29:49,860 --> 00:29:51,009 I've seen worse. 546 00:29:52,100 --> 00:29:55,218 I mean, bigger. 547 00:30:02,620 --> 00:30:05,214 I never said I wanted you to sit in the shop. 548 00:30:05,540 --> 00:30:08,498 I wanted to appoint you Head of Publicity and Promotions. 549 00:30:08,620 --> 00:30:10,293 It would only have taken a couple of hours a day. 550 00:30:10,420 --> 00:30:13,538 I'm sorry, Mel. It's not fair on the kids if I... 551 00:30:15,140 --> 00:30:17,859 - Head of what? - Publicity and Promotions. 552 00:30:18,260 --> 00:30:20,490 Out and about. Meeting the public. 553 00:30:21,060 --> 00:30:23,495 The showbiz, glamorous side of the operation. 554 00:30:24,220 --> 00:30:26,894 I wouldn't expect you to sit in a shop all day. 555 00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:29,498 Head of Publicity and Promotions? 556 00:30:29,820 --> 00:30:31,049 Absolutely. 557 00:30:32,140 --> 00:30:34,529 - Couple of hours a day? - Never more than three. 558 00:30:35,020 --> 00:30:36,499 Well, why didn't you say? 559 00:30:36,980 --> 00:30:39,130 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKER) 560 00:30:40,580 --> 00:30:44,699 MEL ON SPEAKER: Visit Mel's Mobility Shop in the heart of Benidorm. 561 00:30:45,540 --> 00:30:47,850 Grand opening, 6:00 pm. 562 00:30:48,260 --> 00:30:51,139 Free bottle of bubbly with every order. 563 00:30:55,140 --> 00:30:59,452 Visit Mel's Mobility shop in the heart of Benidorm. 564 00:31:00,020 --> 00:31:02,489 Grand opening, 6:00 pm. 565 00:31:02,940 --> 00:31:05,659 Free bottle of bubbly with every order. 566 00:31:05,780 --> 00:31:09,489 (KIDS LAUGHING) 567 00:31:09,620 --> 00:31:13,500 Visit Mel's Mobility shop in the heart of Benidorm. 568 00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:16,575 Grand opening, 6:00 pm. 569 00:31:17,020 --> 00:31:19,819 Free bottle of bubbly with every order. 570 00:31:39,020 --> 00:31:41,739 Mel, what exactly is Mick doing? 571 00:31:42,620 --> 00:31:45,180 I told you. A bit of publicity for the shop. 572 00:31:45,300 --> 00:31:46,370 Right. 573 00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:48,730 It's just that he's been gone a while now. 574 00:31:48,860 --> 00:31:50,373 He's lucky to have a job. 575 00:31:50,860 --> 00:31:52,771 After scabbing off the social for so long 576 00:31:52,900 --> 00:31:57,133 he should be on his knees thanking Mel for giving him back a bit of dignity. 577 00:32:04,300 --> 00:32:05,529 Oh, my God! 578 00:32:10,020 --> 00:32:11,169 Where were you? 579 00:32:12,540 --> 00:32:13,860 You what? 580 00:32:13,980 --> 00:32:15,459 You weren't at the shop. 581 00:32:16,620 --> 00:32:19,134 I know, I closed it till the grand opening. 582 00:32:20,180 --> 00:32:22,694 I needed the ladder to get off the bike. 583 00:32:23,740 --> 00:32:24,935 What have you been doing? 584 00:32:25,060 --> 00:32:27,779 I have been driving around Benidorm for the last three hours 585 00:32:27,900 --> 00:32:30,494 on a 20 foot high bike looking for somewhere to get off it. 586 00:32:30,620 --> 00:32:33,499 - Your face is all red. - I know it's all red! 587 00:32:33,780 --> 00:32:37,375 I've been baking in the sun covered in bloody tinfoil all afternoon. 588 00:32:37,500 --> 00:32:40,492 Excuse me. We were just wondering, 589 00:32:40,620 --> 00:32:44,500 is it fancy dress in Neptune's this evening? 590 00:32:44,620 --> 00:32:46,975 Only nobody's told us. 591 00:32:48,260 --> 00:32:49,580 Piss off. 592 00:32:50,460 --> 00:32:53,179 Why didn't you come to the front of the building and ask someone to get me? 593 00:32:53,300 --> 00:32:55,450 Yeah. I'm not stupid, I thought of that. 594 00:32:55,580 --> 00:32:56,900 But I couldn't turn the bloody music off! 595 00:32:57,020 --> 00:32:58,613 Nobody could hear what I was saying. 596 00:32:58,740 --> 00:33:02,973 Excuse me. Whatever it is you're selling, you can't do it here. 597 00:33:03,100 --> 00:33:05,979 I'm not selling anything, I'm on me holiday. Well, I'm supposed to be. 598 00:33:06,100 --> 00:33:08,819 JANICE: Come on, lets go in. We'll get the kids up. They're having a siesta. 599 00:33:08,940 --> 00:33:11,250 Hang on a minute. I'm not finished yet. 600 00:33:11,380 --> 00:33:13,849 So, I kept driving to find some shade so I didn't burn to death 601 00:33:13,980 --> 00:33:15,732 when, to top off a perfect day, 602 00:33:15,860 --> 00:33:18,090 I realised I was about to run out of petrol. 603 00:33:18,220 --> 00:33:20,018 Well, how did you get down from this bike, then? 604 00:33:20,140 --> 00:33:23,098 I had to drive into the caravan park and jump off onto somebody's roof. 605 00:33:23,220 --> 00:33:24,813 Well, there you are, then. No problem. 606 00:33:24,940 --> 00:33:26,613 Hang on, I'm still not finished. 607 00:33:26,740 --> 00:33:29,812 I.don't know how old this caravan was but I went straight through the roof. 608 00:33:29,940 --> 00:33:31,499 Oh, my God! 609 00:33:32,020 --> 00:33:33,897 Well, the good news is nobody was home. 610 00:33:34,020 --> 00:33:36,330 The bad news is, it was locked from the outside. 611 00:33:36,460 --> 00:33:38,451 It took me another bloody hour to get out of it. 612 00:33:38,580 --> 00:33:40,457 You haven't left that bike in the caravan park, have you? 613 00:33:40,580 --> 00:33:43,857 Left it there? I'll wrap it round your bloody neck if I see it again. 614 00:33:45,860 --> 00:33:47,851 (LAUGHING) 615 00:33:53,980 --> 00:33:55,129 What you all laughing at? 616 00:33:55,260 --> 00:33:57,490 You've got a big mark across your head. 617 00:33:59,540 --> 00:34:01,736 Right. You can all frig off. That's it. We're going home. 618 00:34:01,860 --> 00:34:04,579 Come on! I've had enough. We're getting the kids and we're going home. 619 00:34:04,700 --> 00:34:05,770 (MICK AND JANICE ARGUING) 620 00:34:05,900 --> 00:34:07,299 What's going on? 621 00:34:07,660 --> 00:34:10,334 Apparently, he's been riding round Benidorm 622 00:34:10,460 --> 00:34:13,612 on a 20 foot high runaway bike. 623 00:34:13,740 --> 00:34:14,775 Oh, right. 624 00:34:14,900 --> 00:34:16,618 Yeah, well, you can keep your nose out. 625 00:34:16,740 --> 00:34:19,050 I want nothing to do with you. I want nothing to do with you. 626 00:34:19,180 --> 00:34:21,535 - It's not fancy dress, then? - No. 627 00:34:23,140 --> 00:34:26,690 Your father was never lucky on the roads, either. 628 00:34:26,820 --> 00:34:30,779 In the early '80s, he bought a car that would only turn left. 629 00:34:31,700 --> 00:34:35,534 It once took him two days to come back from Asda. 630 00:34:35,780 --> 00:34:37,373 (JANICE AND MICK CONTINUE ARGUING) 631 00:34:43,820 --> 00:34:45,777 Anyone with any sense wouldn't be able to do it 632 00:34:45,900 --> 00:34:47,857 on the top of that bike. Not him though, no! 633 00:34:49,580 --> 00:34:51,537 I see they found Gary Glitter. 634 00:34:51,660 --> 00:34:53,890 I wonder where he's been dressed like that. 635 00:34:54,020 --> 00:34:55,340 No idea. 636 00:34:55,460 --> 00:34:57,690 Let's face it, the one thing that family was lacking 637 00:34:57,820 --> 00:35:00,096 was an angry, oven-ready cowboy. 638 00:35:02,660 --> 00:35:04,936 So are we going to this shop opening? 6:00? 639 00:35:05,340 --> 00:35:08,332 I think I'd rather drink bleach with a Cillit Bang chaser. 640 00:35:08,460 --> 00:35:09,609 Free drinks. 641 00:35:10,020 --> 00:35:12,534 If I want a free glass of Spanish paint-stripper., 642 00:35:12,660 --> 00:35:15,618 I'll shimmy over to the pool bar and get one myself, thank you. 643 00:35:16,340 --> 00:35:18,570 Says free champagne for everyone. 644 00:35:19,780 --> 00:35:20,975 Champagne? 645 00:35:21,420 --> 00:35:22,933 What it says here. 646 00:35:24,140 --> 00:35:28,896 Come on. Grab your pashmina. We've got no time at all to get ready. 647 00:35:35,940 --> 00:35:37,294 Oh, hello. 648 00:35:38,980 --> 00:35:40,015 You all right? 649 00:35:40,140 --> 00:35:41,813 Yes, I thought I'd upset you. 650 00:35:42,180 --> 00:35:43,409 No, you didn't. 651 00:35:43,540 --> 00:35:44,974 I just didn't realise I was staying somewhere 652 00:35:45,100 --> 00:35:47,660 that made Anne Frank's attic look like Disneyland. 653 00:35:47,780 --> 00:35:51,011 There's plenty to do. I got some leaflets of the surrounding area. 654 00:35:51,140 --> 00:35:52,699 I thought we might have a look. 655 00:35:53,660 --> 00:35:55,936 Got some money from the cash machine. 656 00:35:57,980 --> 00:35:59,414 Waterfalls of Callosa. 657 00:35:59,540 --> 00:36:01,611 Ca-yo-sa. It's about 20 minutes from here. 658 00:36:02,540 --> 00:36:05,976 That's 20 minutes from Benidorm? In what? A Harrier jet? 659 00:36:06,100 --> 00:36:08,614 In a car. I think it looks terribly romantic. 660 00:36:10,020 --> 00:36:11,738 Oh, I didn't mean... 661 00:36:12,940 --> 00:36:14,578 Now, let's get one thing straight, Martin, 662 00:36:14,700 --> 00:36:16,293 we came here as friends, nothing more. 663 00:36:16,420 --> 00:36:18,855 Absolutely. I just mean the area looks romantic. 664 00:36:18,980 --> 00:36:20,857 Not that you and I would suddenly... 665 00:36:20,980 --> 00:36:22,015 (GROWLING) 666 00:36:22,660 --> 00:36:24,219 Mind you, in saying that, 667 00:36:24,340 --> 00:36:26,456 you never know where friendships can lead. 668 00:36:30,180 --> 00:36:32,854 In the meantime, what about this place? 669 00:36:33,820 --> 00:36:36,573 It's a shop opening for mobility scooters. 670 00:36:36,700 --> 00:36:39,772 I can't be certain, but I think it'll be mainly old people. 671 00:36:39,900 --> 00:36:42,096 Yeah, old people and free champagne. 672 00:36:42,660 --> 00:36:43,934 You like champagne. 673 00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:47,379 Well, I do but I have to be careful. 674 00:36:47,940 --> 00:36:49,419 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 675 00:36:50,140 --> 00:36:54,054 - It can have a dangerous effect on me. - In what way? 676 00:36:55,100 --> 00:37:00,220 Well, it has been known to make me... How can I put it? Sightly loose. 677 00:37:05,420 --> 00:37:08,014 - You don't mean anally? - Oh, for Christ's sake! 678 00:37:08,140 --> 00:37:11,451 Oh, God, sorry. I see what you mean. No, sorry. 679 00:37:11,580 --> 00:37:13,218 It's just I used to know this girl at university 680 00:37:13,340 --> 00:37:15,900 and if she drank too much red wine, she would... 681 00:37:17,020 --> 00:37:19,170 Well, anyway, you don't need to know about that. 682 00:37:19,300 --> 00:37:24,090 Yes! Yes! Champagne. Great idea. I'll go put some clean trousers on. 683 00:37:24,820 --> 00:37:26,777 Is that what you're mate at university used to say to you? 684 00:37:26,900 --> 00:37:27,890 Sorry? 685 00:37:29,020 --> 00:37:33,173 Oh, right, I see. Yes. Very good. Very good. 686 00:37:36,580 --> 00:37:39,652 Right. I'll go and get changed and then we can go out. 687 00:37:39,780 --> 00:37:42,249 And I promise, I'll try and keep up tonight. 688 00:37:42,660 --> 00:37:44,936 And I'll try not to shit meself. 689 00:37:46,540 --> 00:37:47,894 Very good. 690 00:37:53,940 --> 00:37:55,453 (SIGHS) 691 00:38:36,180 --> 00:38:37,932 JANICE: Come on. We're gonna be late. 692 00:38:38,060 --> 00:38:40,859 I'm telling you, if I could have got a cheap flight, we'd all be home by now. 693 00:38:40,980 --> 00:38:43,972 Oh, don't talk rubbish. Come on, Michael. Pick your feet up. 694 00:38:44,340 --> 00:38:45,978 - Dad? - Yes, son. 695 00:38:47,260 --> 00:38:51,572 You said it'd go away. But your head is still two different colours. 696 00:38:52,460 --> 00:38:54,690 Couldn't he have put a hat on? He looks like a right dick. 697 00:38:54,820 --> 00:38:56,811 Don't talk about your father like that. 698 00:38:56,940 --> 00:38:59,090 You're trying to say he doesn't look a dick? 699 00:39:00,660 --> 00:39:02,219 Don't talk about your father like that. 700 00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:03,660 Oh, thanks for all your support. 701 00:39:03,780 --> 00:39:06,420 - It looks funny. - All right, thank you. That's enough. 702 00:39:06,540 --> 00:39:09,054 Me mam might have an head scarf in her bag, if you ask her. 703 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:10,614 A head scarf? 704 00:39:10,740 --> 00:39:12,936 Who do you think I am? Pirates of the frigging Caribbean? 705 00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:14,209 (MICHAEL LAUGHING) 706 00:39:33,020 --> 00:39:34,010 JANICE: Hiya. 707 00:39:34,420 --> 00:39:36,411 Where have you lot been? We've been waiting for you. 708 00:39:36,540 --> 00:39:37,894 We got here as soon as we could. 709 00:39:38,020 --> 00:39:40,091 Another 10 minutes, you'd miss Madge's big entrance. 710 00:39:40,220 --> 00:39:41,893 Hmm. Don't like the sound of that. 711 00:39:42,020 --> 00:39:44,853 You know you still got that big stripe across your forehead, don't you? 712 00:39:47,860 --> 00:39:48,930 All right. 713 00:39:50,420 --> 00:39:51,694 She ready? 714 00:39:52,060 --> 00:39:53,130 Of course. 715 00:39:54,900 --> 00:39:56,220 Who is she again? 716 00:39:56,340 --> 00:40:00,254 Vicky Leyton. People call her Sticky Vicky. She's a Benidorm legend. 717 00:40:00,380 --> 00:40:03,213 Yeah, you said that. Is she gonna make a speech? 718 00:40:03,660 --> 00:40:05,537 - She speaks no English. - Oh, brilliant. 719 00:40:05,660 --> 00:40:07,173 She does not need to speak. 720 00:40:07,620 --> 00:40:09,497 She was a classically trained dancer. 721 00:40:09,620 --> 00:40:11,577 She moves with a grace and sophistication 722 00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:13,338 very few are blessed with. 723 00:40:13,460 --> 00:40:15,531 She can't still be dancing. 724 00:40:16,220 --> 00:40:20,009 No. She now does a... magic act. 725 00:40:20,300 --> 00:40:21,370 Oh, right. 726 00:40:21,780 --> 00:40:23,691 Think she'd do a couple of tricks if we asked her? 727 00:40:23,820 --> 00:40:26,016 Probably best if she just cuts the ribbon. 728 00:40:31,420 --> 00:40:34,094 - Hiya. - Hola. Welcome. 729 00:40:34,540 --> 00:40:36,611 - We don't pay, we're family. - Mick! 730 00:40:36,740 --> 00:40:39,698 Well, I'm just making it clear to him. 731 00:40:40,380 --> 00:40:41,370 Thank you. 732 00:40:45,420 --> 00:40:47,491 - Hola. - Hola. 733 00:40:52,180 --> 00:40:53,215 (GIGGLING) 734 00:41:04,060 --> 00:41:07,257 MEL: If I can have your attention, please, ladies and gentleman, thank you. 735 00:41:07,380 --> 00:41:10,452 I'm not one for big speeches but I'd like to thank everyone for coming here 736 00:41:10,580 --> 00:41:13,857 to mark this, the opening of the very first Mel's Mobility Shop. 737 00:41:13,980 --> 00:41:15,300 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 738 00:41:15,420 --> 00:41:17,889 Where you don't have to be a cripple to enjoy your holiday. 739 00:41:18,020 --> 00:41:19,010 (MUMBLING) 740 00:41:19,140 --> 00:41:21,177 From small, lightweight scooters... 741 00:41:22,500 --> 00:41:24,411 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 742 00:41:24,820 --> 00:41:25,855 (SCOOTER HONKING) 743 00:41:25,980 --> 00:41:28,574 To larger, more industrial-strength models... 744 00:41:30,340 --> 00:41:31,489 (HONKING) 745 00:41:33,220 --> 00:41:34,494 MAN: I'll take one. 746 00:41:34,740 --> 00:41:38,176 We have something to suit all requirements and all budgets. 747 00:41:38,300 --> 00:41:42,009 We're also proud to introduce, for the very first time in Benidorm, 748 00:41:42,140 --> 00:41:45,098 our exclusive, custom range. 749 00:41:45,940 --> 00:41:47,135 (HONKING) 750 00:41:47,260 --> 00:41:49,137 (ALL CHEERING) 751 00:41:53,820 --> 00:41:57,734 Tell a loved one how much you care with a Mel's Mobility invalid chair. 752 00:41:57,860 --> 00:41:59,339 Although, as we've already established, 753 00:41:59,460 --> 00:42:02,498 you don't have to have anything wrong with you to hire from us. 754 00:42:03,180 --> 00:42:06,889 Although, in saying that, if you no longer have the use of your legs 755 00:42:07,020 --> 00:42:08,454 we won't discriminate. 756 00:42:08,740 --> 00:42:11,778 Although, I'm not sure how you'd get here in the first place. 757 00:42:11,900 --> 00:42:14,574 Anyway, let's crack straight on with the grand opening. 758 00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:16,896 And to help us do that, we have someone who, I'm told, 759 00:42:17,020 --> 00:42:18,818 is a real Benidorm legend. 760 00:42:19,060 --> 00:42:21,370 Please welcome Ms Vicky Leyton. 761 00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:25,180 (ALL CHEERING) 762 00:42:32,060 --> 00:42:33,095 (CAMERAS CLICKING) 763 00:42:33,220 --> 00:42:35,131 MARTIN: I'm sure I've seen her before somewhere. 764 00:42:35,340 --> 00:42:36,455 MAN: Another one! 765 00:42:36,580 --> 00:42:37,650 KATE: Oh, yeah? 766 00:42:38,380 --> 00:42:40,769 Oh, my God! Vicky Leyton! 767 00:42:41,340 --> 00:42:42,375 Who? 768 00:42:42,500 --> 00:42:44,855 She has a kind of cabaret act where she... 769 00:42:46,340 --> 00:42:47,330 What? 770 00:42:48,300 --> 00:42:53,249 She pulls flowers, scarves, all kinds of things out from her... 771 00:42:55,660 --> 00:42:57,059 From her what? 772 00:42:57,180 --> 00:43:00,855 Out from her front gate. 773 00:43:03,420 --> 00:43:05,889 - Front gate? - You know, her... 774 00:43:06,980 --> 00:43:09,017 Lady awning. 775 00:43:09,860 --> 00:43:11,612 Lady awning. Martin, what are you talking about? 776 00:43:11,740 --> 00:43:14,573 She pulls various objects from within her... 777 00:43:15,100 --> 00:43:16,329 ...flappage. 778 00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:17,899 Do you mean her fanny? 779 00:43:18,500 --> 00:43:22,380 Yes. Yes, that's... Yeah. 780 00:43:22,860 --> 00:43:25,739 Honestly, it's like trying to get blood out of a stone. 781 00:43:32,700 --> 00:43:33,735 Thank you. 782 00:43:34,260 --> 00:43:36,012 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 783 00:43:40,300 --> 00:43:41,654 Lost the scissors. 784 00:43:45,900 --> 00:43:47,254 ALL: Oh... 785 00:43:47,780 --> 00:43:49,930 (ALL CHEERING) 786 00:43:50,540 --> 00:43:51,814 (CHEERING) 787 00:43:59,220 --> 00:44:01,973 Bloody hell! How much did he say them lights cost? 300 euros? 788 00:44:02,100 --> 00:44:04,410 That were money well spent. I can nearly see a couple of them. 789 00:44:04,540 --> 00:44:06,497 I suppose it will look better at night. 790 00:44:06,620 --> 00:44:07,576 Rubbish! 791 00:44:07,700 --> 00:44:10,692 Oh, I'd also just like to mention that anybody who hires a scooter today 792 00:44:10,820 --> 00:44:14,734 will be entitled to a five percent discount on any future hire 793 00:44:14,860 --> 00:44:16,419 within a six-week period. 794 00:44:16,540 --> 00:44:18,577 - Mel? - Obviously, this offer is subject 795 00:44:18,700 --> 00:44:20,259 to certain terms and conditions. 796 00:44:20,380 --> 00:44:21,529 - Mel? - All of which can be found 797 00:44:21,660 --> 00:44:24,300 on our website, which is www... 798 00:44:24,420 --> 00:44:26,172 - Mel? - What the flaming hell do you want? 799 00:44:26,300 --> 00:44:28,052 I think your shop's on fire. 800 00:44:28,420 --> 00:44:30,331 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 801 00:44:32,500 --> 00:44:33,979 Mel, what are you doing? 802 00:44:34,300 --> 00:44:36,052 I going to get me scooters! 803 00:44:38,820 --> 00:44:39,935 (EXCLAIMING) 804 00:44:40,100 --> 00:44:41,818 Somebody stop him! Mick! 805 00:44:41,940 --> 00:44:44,090 He's going to get himself killed! 806 00:44:47,980 --> 00:44:50,210 Oh, come on, Mel! 807 00:44:50,340 --> 00:44:51,933 (ALL CLAMOURING) 808 00:44:55,740 --> 00:44:57,697 Where's the bloody kids? 809 00:44:58,540 --> 00:44:59,530 (EXCLAIMS) 810 00:45:14,300 --> 00:45:16,371 Jacqueline's father used to be a magician. 811 00:45:16,500 --> 00:45:18,776 I'm sure you both have a lot in common. 812 00:45:18,900 --> 00:45:19,970 Oh, yes. 813 00:45:20,500 --> 00:45:23,094 How much time have you got before your first show tonight? 814 00:45:23,220 --> 00:45:24,290 Enough. 815 00:45:24,420 --> 00:45:25,455 Ah. 816 00:45:34,620 --> 00:45:36,497 (DONALD LAUGHING) 817 00:45:36,780 --> 00:45:39,579 DONALD: So, that's why they call you "Sticky Vicky". 818 00:45:39,700 --> 00:45:41,452 (VICKY LAUGHING)