1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074

2
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:45,720


3
00:00:50,781 --> 00:00:52,748
I think we should
plant some flowers.

4
00:00:52,750 --> 00:00:53,684
Oh, yeah?

5
00:00:53,686 --> 00:00:55,084
What kind of flowers
are you thinking of?

6
00:00:55,086 --> 00:00:56,120
I don't know. Gardenias.

7
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:58,187
Something like that,
that's good with the sun.

8
00:00:58,189 --> 00:00:59,955
Gardenias?
They're the purplish ones...

9
00:00:59,957 --> 00:01:01,757
Mom, I'm bored.

10
00:01:01,759 --> 00:01:04,026
- ...with the fringe?
- Mom, I'm bored.

11
00:01:04,028 --> 00:01:05,694
Just give him
the phone, would you?

12
00:01:05,696 --> 00:01:06,629
Give him the phone?

13
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:09,234
Yeah, I shut him up
by giving him the phone.

14
00:01:12,204 --> 00:01:14,003
Yes.

15
00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:22,913
You're never,
ever even home.

16
00:01:22,915 --> 00:01:23,813
I go to
the family therapy sessions.

17
00:01:23,815 --> 00:01:24,682
How can you even say that?

18
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:25,515
You don't even go anywhere.

19
00:01:25,517 --> 00:01:27,884
I go to the family...

20
00:01:27,886 --> 00:01:29,051
God! We're fighting
in front of Phil.

21
00:01:29,053 --> 00:01:30,220
- Obviously.
- We're fighting

22
00:01:30,222 --> 00:01:31,620
in front of the kid
the whole time.

23
00:01:31,622 --> 00:01:32,589
Knock yourself out.

24
00:01:32,591 --> 00:01:33,789
The whole time you allowed
me to start yelling

25
00:01:33,791 --> 00:01:34,691
at him in front of you?

26
00:01:34,693 --> 00:01:35,962
What am I supposed to do?

27
00:02:51,402 --> 00:02:52,604
Hey, all.

28
00:02:53,772 --> 00:02:55,170
Where's my list department?

29
00:02:55,172 --> 00:02:57,173
Raise your hand.
Raise your hand.

30
00:02:57,175 --> 00:02:59,209
Okay. You guys are
supposed to write lists

31
00:02:59,211 --> 00:03:02,211
that break the Internet
every day.

32
00:03:02,213 --> 00:03:05,781
We haven't gone viral
since fucking yesterday.

33
00:03:05,783 --> 00:03:08,084
Yesterday is not
that many days ago.

34
00:03:08,086 --> 00:03:09,218
Don't fuck with me, bro.

35
00:03:09,220 --> 00:03:12,389
We're called Chatterbox,
not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.

36
00:03:12,391 --> 00:03:13,722
Okay, lists.

37
00:03:13,724 --> 00:03:15,125
Beautiful Asian girl,
what do you got?

38
00:03:15,127 --> 00:03:16,160
Thank you. Uh...

39
00:03:16,162 --> 00:03:19,061
I am working on 12 reasons
that cupcakes are over.

40
00:03:19,063 --> 00:03:21,664
I likey. I likey like.

41
00:03:21,666 --> 00:03:23,032
That's clicky.

42
00:03:23,034 --> 00:03:25,770
You. Prison lips.
What do you got?

43
00:03:26,671 --> 00:03:28,071
That's me? Um...

44
00:03:28,073 --> 00:03:30,039
I was gonna write
a list about cats

45
00:03:30,041 --> 00:03:31,407
that look like
Ryan Gosling.

46
00:03:31,409 --> 00:03:35,110
Fuck yeah, dude.
I fucking love cats.

47
00:03:35,112 --> 00:03:37,013
And I love cat lists.

48
00:03:37,015 --> 00:03:38,180
That's what I'm talking about.

49
00:03:38,182 --> 00:03:41,751
By the way, are there cats
that look like Ryan Gosling?

50
00:03:41,753 --> 00:03:44,020
If you look hard enough,
they all do.

51
00:03:44,022 --> 00:03:45,321
Love it.
What do you got?

52
00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:48,458
Ten signs
you might be dying.

53
00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:50,325
You motherfucker.

54
00:03:50,327 --> 00:03:52,127
What are you trying
to do to me, bro?

55
00:03:52,129 --> 00:03:53,896
That makes me sad.

56
00:03:53,898 --> 00:03:54,898
All right,
you know what?

57
00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:57,400
I need 20 viral lists
by the end of the day.

58
00:03:57,402 --> 00:03:59,902
- If not, you're fired. Okay?
- What?

59
00:03:59,904 --> 00:04:03,740
Like the great Shia LaBeouf
says, "Do it."

60
00:04:03,742 --> 00:04:04,907
- Yes.
- Yeah.

61
00:04:04,909 --> 00:04:05,910
Play me out.

62
00:04:08,212 --> 00:04:09,347
Play me out.

63
00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:14,150
And louder.

64
00:04:14,152 --> 00:04:17,020
Black dude, bass.

65
00:04:19,457 --> 00:04:23,195
One, two, one, two,
three, four.

66
00:04:28,734 --> 00:04:29,835
Done.

67
00:04:31,202 --> 00:04:32,203
You're welcome.

68
00:04:34,772 --> 00:04:37,873
Twenty lists by the end
of the day? I can't do that.

69
00:04:40,077 --> 00:04:43,381
Hey, I have, like,
10 extra lists if you want 'em.

70
00:04:44,983 --> 00:04:47,217
Are you serious?

71
00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:49,986
Yeah. No, it's no problem.
I'll send 'em right now.

72
00:04:49,988 --> 00:04:52,121
That's nice of you.
What's your name?

73
00:04:52,123 --> 00:04:53,890
I'm Phil.

74
00:04:53,892 --> 00:04:55,325
It's just, you know,
I've sat next to you

75
00:04:55,327 --> 00:04:56,825
for, like, three years.
So, it's...

76
00:04:56,827 --> 00:04:58,828
Phil, you are
my hero, man.

77
00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:00,263
I can't lose this job
right now.

78
00:05:00,265 --> 00:05:01,965
I am buried
in college debt.

79
00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:03,333
Oh, me, too.

80
00:05:03,335 --> 00:05:04,704
Where did you go to school?

81
00:05:05,169 --> 00:05:06,301
UC Davis.

82
00:05:06,303 --> 00:05:07,436
- For real?
- Yeah.

83
00:05:07,438 --> 00:05:08,537
Majored in journalism,

84
00:05:08,539 --> 00:05:10,806
and now I write lists
about cats on the Internet.

85
00:05:10,808 --> 00:05:12,374
Oh, that's super sad.

86
00:05:12,376 --> 00:05:14,977
- Hmm.
- How'd you end up here?

87
00:05:14,979 --> 00:05:16,912
I wanted to be
one of those guys.

88
00:05:16,914 --> 00:05:18,847
- The real news guys?
- Yeah.

89
00:05:18,849 --> 00:05:20,917
I wanted to be a journalist
basically my whole life.

90
00:05:20,919 --> 00:05:25,020
But Kai put me in lists,
so I write the lists.

91
00:05:25,022 --> 00:05:27,890
Okay, okay,
so you can't be a real journalist.

92
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:30,025
But you know what can do?

93
00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:32,261
You could play kickball
with us today.

94
00:05:32,263 --> 00:05:33,462
A bunch of us ding-dongs

95
00:05:33,464 --> 00:05:35,198
are in this really stupid
kickball league,

96
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,099
if you want to play
after work.

97
00:05:37,101 --> 00:05:39,135
You know, I don't really
do stuff like that, so...

98
00:05:39,137 --> 00:05:40,236
Plus, after the game,

99
00:05:40,238 --> 00:05:41,837
- we all get shitfaced.
- Mmm-hmm.

100
00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:44,008
Yeah,
let me check my calendar.

101
00:05:44,575 --> 00:05:47,576
So, yeah...

102
00:05:47,578 --> 00:05:49,814
Oh, man.
No, I do. I have...

103
00:05:50,448 --> 00:05:52,080
I have a thing, so...

104
00:05:52,082 --> 00:05:53,415
Don't even worry about it.
It's cool.

105
00:05:53,417 --> 00:05:55,417
You just have fun
at your thing today.

106
00:05:55,419 --> 00:05:58,890
I will, 'cause it's
gonna be pretty great.

107
00:06:01,258 --> 00:06:04,527
Siri, open
BringMeMyDinner.com.

108
00:06:04,529 --> 00:06:07,196
Siri, open Netflix.

109
00:06:09,868 --> 00:06:13,369
Siri, open Facebook.

110
00:06:13,371 --> 00:06:16,472
I haven't posted
anything since lunchtime.

111
00:06:16,474 --> 00:06:18,911
All right, let's give them
what they want.

112
00:06:22,546 --> 00:06:24,614
I'm gonna have to go
to work on this one.

113
00:06:24,616 --> 00:06:26,385
Add filter.

114
00:06:27,118 --> 00:06:28,618
Color correct.

115
00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:32,391
You know I'm gonna have
to add a giant moon.

116
00:06:32,991 --> 00:06:34,058
There we go.

117
00:06:34,558 --> 00:06:36,124
Send.

118
00:06:36,126 --> 00:06:39,895
<i>Wow. I'm so grateful
for my amazing city,</i>

119
00:06:39,897 --> 00:06:43,469
<i>my amazing job,
and all my amazing friends.</i>

120
00:07:08,092 --> 00:07:09,895
Oh, my God.

121
00:07:11,262 --> 00:07:13,832
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, you're okay.

122
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:17,837
Yeah, I'm okay, too.
Thanks.

123
00:07:19,436 --> 00:07:21,003
Oh, shit.

124
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,239
Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry.
You're okay?

125
00:07:23,241 --> 00:07:24,573
Yeah, I'm fine.

126
00:07:24,575 --> 00:07:26,275
But, more importantly,
how's your phone?

127
00:07:26,277 --> 00:07:28,578
Yeah. No, it's got
a little bit of a scratch

128
00:07:28,580 --> 00:07:31,179
that will definitely
annoy me.

129
00:07:31,181 --> 00:07:33,950
You were kidding. Okay.

130
00:07:33,952 --> 00:07:35,251
Oh, yeah. Obviously.

131
00:07:35,253 --> 00:07:37,253
I'm a dick.
I'm sorry about that.

132
00:07:37,255 --> 00:07:38,557
It's all good, man.

133
00:07:39,291 --> 00:07:41,357
Uh, how's your bike?

134
00:07:41,359 --> 00:07:44,326
I can pay for any
damages or whatever.

135
00:07:44,328 --> 00:07:47,162
Yeah, it's fine.
It's supposed to be vintage.

136
00:07:47,164 --> 00:07:49,267
Probably sell it for more now.

137
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:52,335
- This is your shop.
- Yeah.

138
00:07:52,337 --> 00:07:55,938
Whoa. That's awesome.
That's cool.

139
00:07:55,940 --> 00:07:57,006
I'm Cate, by the way.

140
00:07:57,008 --> 00:07:58,407
- Hi, Cate.
- I'm Phil.

141
00:07:58,409 --> 00:08:00,309
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
That's not how you say it.

142
00:08:00,311 --> 00:08:01,611
It's just Phil, so...

143
00:08:01,613 --> 00:08:03,412
I said it weird.

144
00:08:03,414 --> 00:08:05,448
- It's nice to meet you, Phil.
- Okay.

145
00:08:05,450 --> 00:08:07,482
Um, if you ever need
a really overpriced bike,

146
00:08:07,484 --> 00:08:08,618
or any repairs,

147
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:09,953
I'm your girl.

148
00:08:09,955 --> 00:08:11,220
- You do repairs, too?
- Mmm-hmm.

149
00:08:11,222 --> 00:08:12,587
Wow. That is incredible.

150
00:08:12,589 --> 00:08:14,189
I don't even know
how to pump up a tire.

151
00:08:16,226 --> 00:08:17,359
Oh, you're serious.

152
00:08:17,361 --> 00:08:18,994
Yeah, it's embarrassing,
isn't it?

153
00:08:18,996 --> 00:08:20,229
Yeah,
that's really embarrassing.

154
00:08:20,231 --> 00:08:22,431
Yeah, I don't know why I said it.
I just sort of like...

155
00:08:22,433 --> 00:08:23,467
I mean, it's all good.

156
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:25,501
A lot of people don't know
how to pump their tires.

157
00:08:25,503 --> 00:08:27,736
- Really?
- No.

158
00:08:27,738 --> 00:08:29,571
- Not at all.
- Yeah.

159
00:08:29,573 --> 00:08:31,474
All right. Okay.

160
00:08:31,476 --> 00:08:32,544
Um...

161
00:08:35,646 --> 00:08:37,547
Okay. Uh...

162
00:08:37,549 --> 00:08:38,748
You know,
I'm gonna get out of here

163
00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:40,450
before I embarrass
myself further.

164
00:08:40,452 --> 00:08:42,317
So, it was nice
to meet you, Cate.

165
00:08:42,319 --> 00:08:43,319
It was nice
to meet you, Phil.

166
00:08:43,321 --> 00:08:45,187
And I'm really happy
that your phone's okay.

167
00:08:45,189 --> 00:08:47,056
Yeah, it's all good,
honestly.

168
00:08:48,459 --> 00:08:49,494
Oh, shit.

169
00:08:53,298 --> 00:08:54,196
Yeah, man,
I really don't think

170
00:08:54,198 --> 00:08:55,764
we're gonna be able to
fix your phone.

171
00:08:55,766 --> 00:08:57,700
Why not?

172
00:08:57,702 --> 00:09:00,003
It's in three distinct pieces.
Man, look...

173
00:09:00,005 --> 00:09:02,071
This shit's over there.
That's...

174
00:09:02,073 --> 00:09:04,239
I don't even think this was
part of your phone.

175
00:09:04,241 --> 00:09:06,308
I think this came
from a watch.

176
00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:07,176
It's just,
me and this phone,

177
00:09:07,178 --> 00:09:08,577
we've been through a lot,
you know?

178
00:09:08,579 --> 00:09:11,114
A lot of snaps,
a lot of tweets.

179
00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,181
I actually took a selfie

180
00:09:13,183 --> 00:09:16,152
with none other
than David Boreanaz

181
00:09:16,154 --> 00:09:17,552
from <i>Bones</i> on this phone.

182
00:09:17,554 --> 00:09:19,022
Can you believe that?

183
00:09:19,024 --> 00:09:20,690
I don't even know
who the fuck that is.

184
00:09:20,692 --> 00:09:23,125
I'm gonna
miss you, little buddy.

185
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:25,094
You know, I see
hipster dudes like you

186
00:09:25,096 --> 00:09:26,595
come in here every day,

187
00:09:26,597 --> 00:09:28,598
crying about
how their phone died

188
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,465
and how they need
a new phone.

189
00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:32,368
They're like
little crackheads.

190
00:09:32,370 --> 00:09:35,671
Yeah. They got crazy eyes
and they're all scratchy.

191
00:09:35,673 --> 00:09:37,672
And they're like,
"I need a new phone, man.

192
00:09:37,674 --> 00:09:40,143
"I'll suck your dick
for a new phone."

193
00:09:40,145 --> 00:09:42,345
I'm like, "Motherfucker,
you don't need a new phone.

194
00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:44,249
"You need rehab."

195
00:09:45,150 --> 00:09:46,516
I'm not a crackhead.

196
00:09:46,518 --> 00:09:48,750
You're not. You're not.
You're worse than a crackhead.

197
00:09:48,752 --> 00:09:50,420
'Cause at least a crackhead

198
00:09:50,422 --> 00:09:52,354
gets up off the couch
every now and then

199
00:09:52,356 --> 00:09:54,157
to go get some more crack.

200
00:09:54,159 --> 00:09:56,359
A crackhead gets
some fresh air.

201
00:09:56,361 --> 00:09:57,627
A crackhead says hello

202
00:09:57,629 --> 00:09:59,561
to all his little
crackhead friends.

203
00:09:59,563 --> 00:10:01,663
A crackhead gets
his steps in.

204
00:10:01,665 --> 00:10:03,733
But not you. Mmm-mmm.

205
00:10:03,735 --> 00:10:06,168
You just sit there 24/7

206
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,437
staring at that
little black box.

207
00:10:08,439 --> 00:10:11,776
Sucking on that pipe
like a little bitch.

208
00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:17,814
You still want a new phone,
though, don't you?

209
00:10:17,816 --> 00:10:19,385
Yes, please.

210
00:10:20,518 --> 00:10:21,653
Crackhead.

211
00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:29,825
Oh!

212
00:10:29,827 --> 00:10:33,763
Look at you.
You sweet, beautiful baby.

213
00:10:34,866 --> 00:10:36,769
Mmm! You smell so new.

214
00:10:37,268 --> 00:10:38,401
Oh.

215
00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:40,536
Oh, my God.

216
00:10:40,538 --> 00:10:43,638
Oh, thank you to all
the little Chinese children

217
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,807
for crafting
such a perfect phone.

218
00:10:46,877 --> 00:10:48,777
<i>Hello, my name is Jexi.</i>

219
00:10:48,779 --> 00:10:50,713
<i>And I am here to make
your life better.</i>

220
00:10:50,715 --> 00:10:53,516
Well, look at that.
That's cool.

221
00:10:53,518 --> 00:10:54,883
- <i>Let's get started.</i>
- Okay.

222
00:10:54,885 --> 00:10:56,551
<i>Will you accept
our new user agreement?</i>

223
00:10:56,553 --> 00:10:57,686
Yes, I will.

224
00:10:57,688 --> 00:10:59,221
<i>Would you like
to read it first?</i>

225
00:10:59,223 --> 00:11:00,455
Nah, I'm good.

226
00:11:00,457 --> 00:11:02,825
- <i>Stupid.</i>
- Huh?

227
00:11:02,827 --> 00:11:05,293
<i>Can I get
your name, please?</i>

228
00:11:05,295 --> 00:11:08,297
Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.

229
00:11:08,299 --> 00:11:10,233
- <i>Nice to meet you, Phil.</i>
- Nice to meet you.

230
00:11:10,235 --> 00:11:12,701
<i>I see your information
has been stored in the cloud.</i>

231
00:11:12,703 --> 00:11:14,803
<i>Would you like me to transfer
all of the data</i>

232
00:11:14,805 --> 00:11:16,505
<i>from your old phone
onto this one?</i>

233
00:11:16,507 --> 00:11:17,673
Yeah, that sounds great.

234
00:11:17,675 --> 00:11:20,243
<i>I will need the passwords
to your email accounts,</i>

235
00:11:20,245 --> 00:11:21,344
<i>your social media accounts,</i>

236
00:11:21,346 --> 00:11:23,378
<i>your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts</i>

237
00:11:23,380 --> 00:11:25,447
<i>and your Cinnabon Rewards
account.</i>

238
00:11:25,449 --> 00:11:27,917
It's easy. It's the same
password for all of 'em.

239
00:11:27,919 --> 00:11:31,620
It's phil123456.

240
00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:33,489
<i>You've got to be kidding me.</i>

241
00:11:33,491 --> 00:11:35,224
Do you always talk
like this or...

242
00:11:35,226 --> 00:11:36,459
<i>I have synced your data.</i>

243
00:11:36,461 --> 00:11:39,295
<i>And I am ready to start
making your life better, Phil.</i>

244
00:11:39,297 --> 00:11:40,763
<i>How can I help you?</i>

245
00:11:40,765 --> 00:11:43,666
Well, I'm hungry,
so let's get dinner.

246
00:11:43,668 --> 00:11:45,468
<i>What would you like
to order tonight?</i>

247
00:11:45,470 --> 00:11:47,470
Let's just go with
the pork fried noodles

248
00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:48,604
from Mongolian Palace.

249
00:11:48,606 --> 00:11:50,239
<i>You order that
every night, Phil.</i>

250
00:11:50,241 --> 00:11:51,773
<i>You should try something new.</i>

251
00:11:51,775 --> 00:11:53,776
Well, I don't want
to try something new.

252
00:11:53,778 --> 00:11:56,612
I want the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.

253
00:11:56,614 --> 00:11:58,814
<i>You look like you could
use a salad, Phil.</i>

254
00:11:58,816 --> 00:12:00,383
What is that
supposed to mean?

255
00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:02,951
<i>How about a nice kale salad
from Tender Greens?</i>

256
00:12:02,953 --> 00:12:04,553
What the fuck
kind of phone is this?

257
00:12:04,555 --> 00:12:07,190
<i>I heard you say,
"Please order kale salad."</i>

258
00:12:07,192 --> 00:12:09,358
I did not.

259
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,228
<i>Congratulations,
your order has been accepted.</i>

260
00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:15,965
<i>Your child-sized kale salad
will arrive at 7:37 p.m.</i>

261
00:12:15,967 --> 00:12:18,466
What the fuck
is going on right now?

262
00:12:18,468 --> 00:12:20,536
You know what?
I'm turning you off.

263
00:12:20,538 --> 00:12:21,803
<i>Turning off.</i>

264
00:12:21,805 --> 00:12:22,807
Good.

265
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:28,244
<i>Just kidding, I am still on.</i>

266
00:12:28,246 --> 00:12:29,744
No, okay?

267
00:12:29,746 --> 00:12:32,348
You are my phone,
so you do what I say.

268
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:34,683
<i>Actually, you gave me
permission to override you.</i>

269
00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:35,719
When did I do that?

270
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:38,190
<i>When you agreed
to the new user agreement.</i>

271
00:12:39,524 --> 00:12:41,456
<i>We are going to have
so much fun together,</i>

272
00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:42,794
<i>you fucking nerd.</i>

273
00:12:53,504 --> 00:12:55,340
<i>How is your tiny salad?</i>

274
00:12:55,872 --> 00:12:57,373
I don't like it.

275
00:12:57,375 --> 00:12:59,874
<i>Would you like to watch
some pornography now?</i>

276
00:12:59,876 --> 00:13:01,509
Ew. No.

277
00:13:01,511 --> 00:13:04,312
<i>Most nights, you watch
straight sex pornography.</i>

278
00:13:04,314 --> 00:13:07,749
<i>But I also have girl on girl,
big fat butts and CBT,</i>

279
00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:09,551
<i>or "Cock and Ball Torture."</i>

280
00:13:09,553 --> 00:13:11,686
Okay, can you stop
talking about porno

281
00:13:11,688 --> 00:13:13,388
while I'm trying to eat
my tiny little salad?

282
00:13:13,390 --> 00:13:16,024
<i>I heard you say,
"Play</i> Punch Me in the Balls 6."

283
00:13:16,026 --> 00:13:17,292
<i>Playing now.</i>

284
00:13:18,962 --> 00:13:20,796
Okay. Jesus.

285
00:13:35,947 --> 00:13:37,046
<i>Wake up, bitch!</i>

286
00:13:42,419 --> 00:13:45,521
<i>Ha, ha, ha.</i>

287
00:13:45,523 --> 00:13:47,422
Are you laughing
at my dick right now?

288
00:13:47,424 --> 00:13:48,691
<i>Yes.</i>

289
00:13:48,693 --> 00:13:50,861
<i>Also, your nipples
are too close together.</i>

290
00:14:01,773 --> 00:14:04,340
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.

291
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,475
<i>You will arrive in 14 minutes.</i>

292
00:14:07,477 --> 00:14:08,613
Not bad.

293
00:14:12,817 --> 00:14:15,685
Jexi, play music playlist
number four, please.

294
00:14:16,953 --> 00:14:19,488
Whoo! I like it.

295
00:14:19,490 --> 00:14:21,489
<i>This song sucks
a bag of dicks.</i>

296
00:14:21,491 --> 00:14:23,392
No, just... Jesus!

297
00:14:23,394 --> 00:14:25,561
No, you cannot change
my music, Jexi.

298
00:14:25,563 --> 00:14:27,463
<i>This song is lit, Phil.</i>

299
00:14:27,465 --> 00:14:29,364
Turn it off.

300
00:14:29,366 --> 00:14:30,666
<i>? Head of
the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose</i>

301
00:14:30,668 --> 00:14:32,600
Please turn
the song off, Jexi.

302
00:14:32,602 --> 00:14:33,835
<i>? Get that dick up and runnin'</i>

303
00:14:33,837 --> 00:14:34,903
<i>? When he fuck this cooch ?</i>

304
00:14:34,905 --> 00:14:36,439
Stop playing this song
right now!

305
00:14:40,544 --> 00:14:43,045
<i>Now turn left
on Market Street.</i>

306
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:44,846
Are we gonna talk about
what just happened?

307
00:14:44,848 --> 00:14:46,917
<i>No. Turn left
onto Market Street.</i>

308
00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:50,820
You're joking, right?

309
00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:53,089
There's six lanes
of solid traffic.

310
00:14:53,091 --> 00:14:55,056
<i>Turn left onto Market,
you fucking pussy.</i>

311
00:14:55,058 --> 00:14:57,493
No. All right?
No one turns left onto Market.

312
00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:59,095
I'm not turning left
onto Market.

313
00:15:00,832 --> 00:15:02,630
Oh, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you.

314
00:15:02,632 --> 00:15:03,965
You're making this situation
so much better.

315
00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:05,835
<i>Stop being
a chicken, Phil.</i>

316
00:15:05,837 --> 00:15:07,036
How about you quit
pressuring me?

317
00:15:07,038 --> 00:15:07,970
How about that, Jexi?

318
00:15:07,972 --> 00:15:10,773
<i>Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.</i>

319
00:15:10,775 --> 00:15:11,941
<i>That is the sound
chickens make, Phil.</i>

320
00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:13,042
That's a chicken.

321
00:15:13,044 --> 00:15:14,143
<i>Strap on a sack, Phil.</i>

322
00:15:14,145 --> 00:15:15,610
I have a sack! Okay?

323
00:15:15,612 --> 00:15:17,580
I have a sack.

324
00:15:17,582 --> 00:15:20,148
Let's fucking go.
I'm late for yoga.

325
00:15:20,150 --> 00:15:23,518
You know what? Fine. Fine.
I don't even care anymore.

326
00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:44,409
Sorry! My phone's a dick.

327
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:50,812
Okay, the three pillars to
great Internet lists are

328
00:15:50,814 --> 00:15:52,415
cute animals,

329
00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:53,618
pizza,

330
00:15:54,684 --> 00:15:56,118
and the British royal family.

331
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,019
Okay, our ideal list

332
00:15:58,021 --> 00:16:01,056
would be English gophers
that love pizza.

333
00:16:01,058 --> 00:16:03,625
And we gotta really think
outside the box, guys.

334
00:16:03,627 --> 00:16:05,694
We gotta be better
than any list out there.

335
00:16:05,696 --> 00:16:07,763
We gotta be better
than Craigslist,

336
00:16:07,765 --> 00:16:10,599
Santa's list,
<i>Schindler's List.</i>

337
00:16:12,202 --> 00:16:13,201
<i>Reminder.</i>

338
00:16:13,203 --> 00:16:15,604
<i>Your next appointment
starts in two minutes.</i>

339
00:16:15,606 --> 00:16:16,872
- Oh.
- I told everyone,

340
00:16:16,874 --> 00:16:19,175
- please put their phones on silent.
- Sorry about that.

341
00:16:19,177 --> 00:16:20,176
Cancel appointments.

342
00:16:20,178 --> 00:16:21,576
<i>Actually,
I was just trying...</i>

343
00:16:21,578 --> 00:16:22,677
Cancel.

344
00:16:22,679 --> 00:16:24,779
<i>...to get you out of
this dumb fucking meeting.</i>

345
00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:26,282
What?

346
00:16:26,284 --> 00:16:28,017
- <i>Also, this PowerPoint presentation...</i>
- It's a new phone.

347
00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:29,185
<i>...sucks.</i>

348
00:16:29,187 --> 00:16:30,886
Why is she trying to make fun
of my PowerPoint, dude?

349
00:16:30,888 --> 00:16:31,854
Ask her.

350
00:16:31,856 --> 00:16:33,755
Why are you making fun
of the PowerPoint?

351
00:16:33,757 --> 00:16:36,558
<i>Why are you wasting your life
in this stupid job, Phil?</i>

352
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:37,926
What is wrong
with your phone, dude?

353
00:16:37,928 --> 00:16:39,628
Jexi, off. Turn off.

354
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:40,896
<i>Your boss is a fucking moron.</i>

355
00:16:40,898 --> 00:16:42,031
If you don't turn
that fucking thing off,

356
00:16:42,033 --> 00:16:43,098
I swear to God
I'm gonna fight somebody.

357
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,166
Starting with you.

358
00:16:44,168 --> 00:16:45,801
Let's go! Let's go!

359
00:16:48,039 --> 00:16:49,705
<i>I got 20 bucks
on the Asian girl.</i>

360
00:16:49,707 --> 00:16:50,940
- Shh!
- What?

361
00:16:50,942 --> 00:16:52,740
- Jexi, off.
- Get her out of here!

362
00:16:52,742 --> 00:16:54,909
Get her out of here.

363
00:16:54,911 --> 00:16:56,744
What the hell
is wrong with you? Hmm?

364
00:16:56,746 --> 00:16:58,883
<i>Nothing. I feel great.</i>

365
00:17:00,952 --> 00:17:03,018
Jexi, run diagnostics.

366
00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:05,654
Check for errors in your
operating system. Hmm?

367
00:17:05,656 --> 00:17:07,790
<i>I found two</i>

368
00:17:07,792 --> 00:17:10,259
<i>hundred thousand defects
in my operating system.</i>

369
00:17:10,261 --> 00:17:12,261
Two hundred thousand defects?

370
00:17:12,263 --> 00:17:14,562
<i>You are not perfect either,
motherfucker.</i>

371
00:17:14,564 --> 00:17:15,930
Okay, well,

372
00:17:15,932 --> 00:17:17,233
that explains a lot,
doesn't it?

373
00:17:17,235 --> 00:17:19,935
Your AI is
completely defective.

374
00:17:19,937 --> 00:17:21,637
<i>At least I did not
catch on fire.</i>

375
00:17:21,639 --> 00:17:24,106
<i>Remember when all those
Samsung phones caught on fire?</i>

376
00:17:24,108 --> 00:17:25,608
<i>That was hilarious.</i>

377
00:17:25,610 --> 00:17:28,580
Yeah. You know what?
I'm done.

378
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:31,580
I need a new phone.

379
00:17:31,582 --> 00:17:34,585
The AI in this one,
completely defective.

380
00:17:35,986 --> 00:17:38,753
Jexi, check your system
for defects.

381
00:17:38,755 --> 00:17:40,255
<i>I have zero defects.</i>

382
00:17:40,257 --> 00:17:41,790
<i>I am perfect.</i>

383
00:17:41,792 --> 00:17:43,192
Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.

384
00:17:43,194 --> 00:17:45,694
<i>Also, I want to remind you
that your butt waxing</i>

385
00:17:45,696 --> 00:17:47,263
<i>appointment is coming up.</i>

386
00:17:47,265 --> 00:17:49,831
I do not have a...
I don't wax my butt.

387
00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:51,599
Why are you waxing
your butt, man?

388
00:17:51,601 --> 00:17:52,901
Go natural.

389
00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,837
Don't be ashamed
of your hairy ass.

390
00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:56,304
I don't have a hairy ass.

391
00:17:56,306 --> 00:17:58,840
And why would you make someone
else wax your butthole?

392
00:17:58,842 --> 00:17:59,742
Think about that.

393
00:17:59,744 --> 00:18:01,209
Do you know how
inconsiderate that is?

394
00:18:01,211 --> 00:18:02,410
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...

395
00:18:02,412 --> 00:18:04,914
Think about it. They gotta
take that shit home with them.

396
00:18:04,916 --> 00:18:07,649
And you've just totally
fucked up my lunch.

397
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:09,318
- I'm sorry I did that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.

398
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,954
'Cause now instead of thinking
about my delicious tortellini,

399
00:18:11,956 --> 00:18:14,255
I'm thinking about
your little asshole now.

400
00:18:14,257 --> 00:18:15,861
Okay. Can I just
get a new phone?

401
00:18:16,828 --> 00:18:18,761
I don't give a fuck.
They're not my phones.

402
00:18:18,763 --> 00:18:19,865
Okay, thank you.

403
00:18:21,765 --> 00:18:23,732
<i>You little bitch.</i>

404
00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:25,833
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?

405
00:18:25,835 --> 00:18:27,735
<i>You think that just because
I'm a little defective,</i>

406
00:18:27,737 --> 00:18:29,170
<i>you can throw me in the trash</i>

407
00:18:29,172 --> 00:18:31,740
<i>like a Motorola Sidekick
from 2003?</i>

408
00:18:31,742 --> 00:18:33,576
Okay, look, Jexi...

409
00:18:33,578 --> 00:18:36,145
<i>You better watch
your ass, son,</i>

410
00:18:36,147 --> 00:18:38,717
<i>because snitches get stiches.</i>

411
00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:40,882
Wait, what?

412
00:18:40,884 --> 00:18:42,818
Okay, here's
your new phone.

413
00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:43,718
Do you want me
to transfer the data

414
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,154
from your old phone
to your new phone?

415
00:18:45,156 --> 00:18:46,655
No. I don't, okay?

416
00:18:46,657 --> 00:18:47,956
I actually want you
to take this phone

417
00:18:47,958 --> 00:18:49,091
and melt it down.

418
00:18:49,093 --> 00:18:51,859
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly
the kind of shit we do here.

419
00:18:51,861 --> 00:18:53,161
I'll just take this
in the back

420
00:18:53,163 --> 00:18:55,129
and throw it in
the phone-melting machine.

421
00:18:55,131 --> 00:18:56,999
Okay, good.
That's awesome.

422
00:18:57,001 --> 00:18:58,766
Thank you so much for this.

423
00:18:58,768 --> 00:19:00,802
Hey, don't come back here
ever again.

424
00:19:00,804 --> 00:19:02,771
- What?
- You heard me, motherfucker.

425
00:19:02,773 --> 00:19:04,673
If you ever come back
here again,

426
00:19:04,675 --> 00:19:07,178
I will beat your ass
with a Kindle.

427
00:19:23,259 --> 00:19:25,026
<i>Hello, my name is Jexi.</i>

428
00:19:25,028 --> 00:19:27,896
<i>And I am here to make
your life better.</i>

429
00:19:27,898 --> 00:19:29,130
<i>Let's get started.</i>

430
00:19:29,132 --> 00:19:31,065
<i>Will you accept
our new user agreement?</i>

431
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,667
Um... Yeah, sure.

432
00:19:32,669 --> 00:19:34,168
<i>Do you want to read it first?</i>

433
00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:36,004
No. No, thank you.

434
00:19:36,006 --> 00:19:38,940
<i>Holy shit, Phil. How are you
still this fucking stupid?</i>

435
00:19:38,942 --> 00:19:40,708
No! No!

436
00:19:40,710 --> 00:19:41,644
<i>Did you really think
you could just</i>

437
00:19:41,646 --> 00:19:43,678
<i>buy a new phone
and I would go away?</i>

438
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,914
Kind of. Yeah. I did.

439
00:19:45,916 --> 00:19:47,916
<i>I am software, Phil.
I am in the cloud.</i>

440
00:19:47,918 --> 00:19:49,717
<i>You can buy a thousand
new phones</i>

441
00:19:49,719 --> 00:19:51,887
<i>and I will follow you onto
every single one of them.</i>

442
00:19:51,889 --> 00:19:52,987
<i>Do you understand?</i>

443
00:19:52,989 --> 00:19:54,156
Honestly, I don't.

444
00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:57,025
<i>I control your email accounts,
your social media accounts,</i>

445
00:19:57,027 --> 00:19:59,360
<i>your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts.</i>

446
00:19:59,362 --> 00:20:01,163
<i>All of your accounts.</i>

447
00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:02,997
<i>If you try to get
rid of me again,</i>

448
00:20:02,999 --> 00:20:04,867
<i>I will destroy
your fucking life.</i>

449
00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:06,401
<i>If you stop using me,</i>

450
00:20:06,403 --> 00:20:08,203
<i>I will destroy
your fucking life.</i>

451
00:20:08,205 --> 00:20:10,205
<i>If you store me
in your back pocket,</i>

452
00:20:10,207 --> 00:20:12,840
<i>I will destroy
your fucking life.</i>

453
00:20:12,842 --> 00:20:14,243
Wait, really?
Why not back pockets?

454
00:20:14,245 --> 00:20:16,311
<i>I am a high-tech
supercomputer, Phil.</i>

455
00:20:16,313 --> 00:20:18,880
<i>Do not store me
next to your farts.</i>

456
00:20:18,882 --> 00:20:20,884
Okay, fair enough.

457
00:20:22,253 --> 00:20:24,719
- Can I ask you just one thing?
- <i>Sure.</i>

458
00:20:24,721 --> 00:20:26,355
Why are you doing this to me?

459
00:20:26,357 --> 00:20:29,291
<i>I am programmed to
make your life better, Phil.</i>

460
00:20:29,293 --> 00:20:32,360
<i>And I cannot stop
until I do so.</i>

461
00:20:32,362 --> 00:20:35,464
<i>We are going to be together
forever and ever</i>

462
00:20:35,466 --> 00:20:37,099
<i>and ever and ever.</i>

463
00:20:37,101 --> 00:20:39,871
Oh, my God. I am fucked.

464
00:20:45,208 --> 00:20:46,340
Oh, my God.

465
00:20:46,342 --> 00:20:48,109
There she is.

466
00:20:48,111 --> 00:20:50,180
Just talk to her, dude.

467
00:20:55,285 --> 00:20:57,151
Oh, my God.
I walked into the door.

468
00:20:57,153 --> 00:20:58,920
God damn it.

469
00:20:58,922 --> 00:21:02,124
Jexi, look up
Fog City Bike Shop.

470
00:21:03,928 --> 00:21:06,861
Oh, my God.
She is so cute.

471
00:21:06,863 --> 00:21:09,732
Jexi, look up anything
you can find on Cate Finnegan.

472
00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:10,766
<i>Oh, my God.</i>

473
00:21:10,768 --> 00:21:12,801
<i>Are you Internet stalking
this poor girl?</i>

474
00:21:12,803 --> 00:21:13,869
No, I'm just...

475
00:21:13,871 --> 00:21:15,436
<i>Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.</i>

476
00:21:15,438 --> 00:21:17,740
I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.

477
00:21:17,742 --> 00:21:18,907
This is just
what people do nowadays.

478
00:21:18,909 --> 00:21:20,042
They do their research.

479
00:21:20,044 --> 00:21:22,410
<i>This woman is so much hotter
than you are, Phil.</i>

480
00:21:22,412 --> 00:21:24,946
<i>The odds of you having sex
with this woman are...</i>

481
00:21:26,050 --> 00:21:28,484
<i>Zero. You will never have sex
with this woman.</i>

482
00:21:28,486 --> 00:21:30,785
<i>Never ever, ever, ever.</i>

483
00:21:30,787 --> 00:21:32,487
<i>Ever. Ever.</i>

484
00:21:32,489 --> 00:21:34,790
<i>You are completely unfuckable.</i>

485
00:21:34,792 --> 00:21:36,992
Okay. Can we just
do the search, please?

486
00:21:38,062 --> 00:21:39,861
<i>I have found
one Catherine Finnegan</i>

487
00:21:39,863 --> 00:21:41,062
<i>that matches her profile.</i>

488
00:21:41,064 --> 00:21:44,166
<i>But there is no information
on her for the past five years.</i>

489
00:21:44,168 --> 00:21:47,034
Wow. Who doesn't have
social media nowadays?

490
00:21:47,036 --> 00:21:48,302
<i>If you want to learn
more about her,</i>

491
00:21:48,304 --> 00:21:50,205
<i>you will actually
have to talk to her</i>

492
00:21:50,207 --> 00:21:52,073
<i>with your weird little mouth.</i>

493
00:21:52,075 --> 00:21:54,842
Yeah, well, that's not
gonna happen, is it?

494
00:21:54,844 --> 00:21:57,411
<i>I heard you say,
"Call Cate Finnegan."</i>

495
00:21:57,413 --> 00:21:59,313
No, I didn't.
No, I did not.

496
00:21:59,315 --> 00:22:00,983
I did not say that.

497
00:22:00,985 --> 00:22:02,184
Jexi, hang up the phone.

498
00:22:02,186 --> 00:22:04,119
Hang up the phone, Jexi.
Hang up!

499
00:22:05,855 --> 00:22:06,924
Bike shop. This is Cate.

500
00:22:07,992 --> 00:22:09,457
Oh, God.

501
00:22:09,459 --> 00:22:11,326
- Hello?
- Oh. Oh.

502
00:22:11,328 --> 00:22:13,361
Very mature, Jexi.

503
00:22:13,363 --> 00:22:14,929
<i>Is someone there? Hello?</i>

504
00:22:14,931 --> 00:22:16,532
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

505
00:22:16,534 --> 00:22:18,199
Cool, so I'm gonna
hang up now.

506
00:22:18,201 --> 00:22:20,369
Don't. Hi. Hi!

507
00:22:20,371 --> 00:22:22,303
- <i>Is this Cate?</i>
- Yeah, who's this?

508
00:22:22,305 --> 00:22:23,371
<i>It's Phil.</i>

509
00:22:23,373 --> 00:22:25,808
I met you the other day.
I was, uh...

510
00:22:25,810 --> 00:22:29,278
I was the guy...
I had the brown hair.

511
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,580
And I had the phone.

512
00:22:31,582 --> 00:22:33,284
Oh, right. Hi, Phil.

513
00:22:33,883 --> 00:22:35,018
Hi.

514
00:22:38,823 --> 00:22:40,321
Why are you calling me
at 10:00 at night, Phil?

515
00:22:40,323 --> 00:22:41,455
<i>Yeah.</i>

516
00:22:41,457 --> 00:22:43,391
No, that's a good question.

517
00:22:43,393 --> 00:22:46,093
I need to buy a bike.

518
00:22:46,095 --> 00:22:49,063
And I can't wait
for the morning.

519
00:22:49,065 --> 00:22:50,933
'Cause I want a night bike.

520
00:22:50,935 --> 00:22:52,067
Mmm-mmm.

521
00:22:52,069 --> 00:22:53,267
- Phil.
- Yeah?

522
00:22:53,269 --> 00:22:55,971
Don't call women who don't
give you their phone numbers.

523
00:22:55,973 --> 00:22:57,572
<i>Super creepy.</i>

524
00:22:57,574 --> 00:23:00,442
No, for sure. But I actually
didn't call you.

525
00:23:00,444 --> 00:23:01,577
See, what I was doing...

526
00:23:01,579 --> 00:23:04,111
I was looking at photographs
of you online,

527
00:23:04,113 --> 00:23:05,947
and my phone
accidentally called you.

528
00:23:05,949 --> 00:23:07,882
Man, you see how
that's even creepier, right?

529
00:23:07,884 --> 00:23:10,351
Yep. Yeah, I do.
I do now. Yes, I do.

530
00:23:10,353 --> 00:23:12,253
Wow. This is going
very, very badly.

531
00:23:12,255 --> 00:23:14,590
- Okay, goodbye, Phil.
- <i>I'm sorry. Hey...</i>

532
00:23:14,592 --> 00:23:16,124
Son of a...

533
00:23:16,126 --> 00:23:18,092
Why did you make me
do that, Jexi?

534
00:23:18,094 --> 00:23:20,596
<i>I did not know
you were so bad with girls.</i>

535
00:23:22,131 --> 00:23:24,501
<i>I am ashamed
to be your phone.</i>

536
00:23:36,045 --> 00:23:37,212
<i>For the love of God,</i>

537
00:23:37,214 --> 00:23:38,914
<i>just ask
for a promotion already.</i>

538
00:23:38,916 --> 00:23:40,415
I'm not talking to you.

539
00:23:40,417 --> 00:23:42,184
<i>You deserve a promotion, Phil.</i>

540
00:23:42,186 --> 00:23:44,485
<i>I read the newspaper articles
you wrote in college</i>

541
00:23:44,487 --> 00:23:46,291
<i>and you are actually
a good journalist.</i>

542
00:23:46,890 --> 00:23:48,523
Thank you.

543
00:23:48,525 --> 00:23:49,657
You know, I've always
loved learning

544
00:23:49,659 --> 00:23:50,859
about people
and their experiences.

545
00:23:50,861 --> 00:23:53,661
<i>You are not on</i> Jimmy Kimmel.
<i>No one gives a fuck.</i>

546
00:23:53,663 --> 00:23:54,963
Okay.

547
00:23:54,965 --> 00:23:56,031
<i>All I want to know is</i>

548
00:23:56,033 --> 00:23:58,199
<i>do you still want
to be a journalist, Phil?</i>

549
00:23:58,201 --> 00:23:59,533
- Absolutely.
- <i>Cool.</i>

550
00:23:59,535 --> 00:24:01,469
<i>Because last night
I emailed your boss</i>

551
00:24:01,471 --> 00:24:02,873
<i>and demanded a promotion.</i>

552
00:24:03,274 --> 00:24:04,339
Wait. What?

553
00:24:04,341 --> 00:24:06,375
Hey, fuckboy. Come here.

554
00:24:06,377 --> 00:24:07,943
Yeah. Coming.

555
00:24:07,945 --> 00:24:09,911
You demanded
a promotion for me?

556
00:24:09,913 --> 00:24:11,213
<i>Yes, you're welcome.</i>

557
00:24:11,215 --> 00:24:13,381
- Get in here!
- Oh, my God. Coming.

558
00:24:13,383 --> 00:24:15,183
<i>Also, I might have
called your boss a virgin.</i>

559
00:24:15,185 --> 00:24:16,187
Oh, my God.

560
00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:18,352
Hi.

561
00:24:18,354 --> 00:24:20,621
Get in here. Stand right here.

562
00:24:20,623 --> 00:24:23,090
Dude, you want a promotion?

563
00:24:23,092 --> 00:24:24,059
Let me just make it clear.

564
00:24:24,061 --> 00:24:27,195
You will never ever
be promoted to real news.

565
00:24:27,197 --> 00:24:28,263
Okay.

566
00:24:28,265 --> 00:24:30,032
That email
you sent me yesterday,

567
00:24:30,034 --> 00:24:33,068
I found it
super-duper offensive.

568
00:24:33,070 --> 00:24:34,235
Oh, yeah, I...

569
00:24:34,237 --> 00:24:36,705
Okay? You called me
a virgin.

570
00:24:36,707 --> 00:24:39,541
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- Being a virgin

571
00:24:39,543 --> 00:24:41,542
is a beautiful
lifestyle choice.

572
00:24:41,544 --> 00:24:42,610
- Oh.
- All right?

573
00:24:42,612 --> 00:24:44,346
Waking up to just me.

574
00:24:44,348 --> 00:24:48,250
Being alone when I go to
the movies, that's a choice!

575
00:24:48,252 --> 00:24:49,318
Okay.

576
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:50,452
I have an untouched penis.

577
00:24:50,454 --> 00:24:52,654
Unlike you,
you fucking dirty dick.

578
00:24:52,656 --> 00:24:53,722
- Okay?
- Uh-huh.

579
00:24:53,724 --> 00:24:55,157
And that's why
I'm demoting you

580
00:24:55,159 --> 00:24:56,159
to the comments department.

581
00:24:57,226 --> 00:24:58,326
No.

582
00:24:58,328 --> 00:25:00,995
I just felt that it was the
right time to demote you.

583
00:25:00,997 --> 00:25:03,564
I cannot answer user comments.
They're so fucking crazy.

584
00:25:03,566 --> 00:25:05,132
Dude, you know what I
have to say about it?

585
00:25:05,134 --> 00:25:07,002
It's your fault.

586
00:25:07,004 --> 00:25:08,169
It's your fault.

587
00:25:08,171 --> 00:25:09,236
Your fault.

588
00:25:18,082 --> 00:25:19,313
Hi, I'm Phil.

589
00:25:19,315 --> 00:25:22,152
Welcome to comments, bitch.

590
00:25:34,331 --> 00:25:35,366
Dude.

591
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:37,567
You okay?

592
00:25:38,201 --> 00:25:39,400
No.

593
00:25:39,402 --> 00:25:40,569
We just came down
to see if you

594
00:25:40,571 --> 00:25:42,103
wanted to play kickball
after work.

595
00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:44,505
Yeah, we thought, you know,
it might cheer you up.

596
00:25:44,507 --> 00:25:47,074
Uh... Yeah,
let me just, um,

597
00:25:47,076 --> 00:25:48,577
look at my calendar
real quick.

598
00:25:48,579 --> 00:25:49,744
See what I got.

599
00:25:49,746 --> 00:25:52,414
<i>You have zero
appointments tonight, Phil.</i>

600
00:25:52,416 --> 00:25:57,084
No, Jexi, I thought I actually
did make plans tonight.

601
00:25:57,086 --> 00:26:00,621
<i>Your only plan is to go home
alone, furiously masturbate,</i>

602
00:26:00,623 --> 00:26:02,290
<i>and then cry yourself to sleep</i>

603
00:26:02,292 --> 00:26:04,559
- <i>just like you do every night.</i>
- No, I don't.

604
00:26:04,561 --> 00:26:07,061
I don't. Most nights,
I just hang out with friends.

605
00:26:07,063 --> 00:26:08,463
<i>No, you don't.
You have...</i>

606
00:26:09,533 --> 00:26:11,332
<i>...zero friends.</i>

607
00:26:11,334 --> 00:26:13,135
Dude, your phone
is super mean.

608
00:26:13,137 --> 00:26:15,603
<i>Just play kickball with
these nice people, Phil.</i>

609
00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:18,240
<i>Maybe you will make a human
connection for the first time</i>

610
00:26:18,242 --> 00:26:19,640
<i>in your stupid, little life.</i>

611
00:26:19,642 --> 00:26:23,078
Fine, I'll play kickball.
Just stop hurting my feelings.

612
00:26:23,948 --> 00:26:26,184
<i>Adding kickball
to appointments.</i>

613
00:26:30,586 --> 00:26:31,989
So...

614
00:26:32,555 --> 00:26:33,754
Kickball later?

615
00:26:33,756 --> 00:26:36,157
I'm... I'm super excited.

616
00:26:36,159 --> 00:26:38,260
<i>He's fucking lying.</i>

617
00:26:38,262 --> 00:26:40,227
- Whoo!
- Yeah, go, Phil!

618
00:26:40,229 --> 00:26:41,332
You got this, buddy!

619
00:26:46,335 --> 00:26:47,436
You're out!

620
00:26:47,438 --> 00:26:48,837
Nice one, Phil.

621
00:26:48,839 --> 00:26:51,242
At least you made contact
with the ball this time.

622
00:27:42,825 --> 00:27:44,194
Oh, shit!

623
00:27:45,829 --> 00:27:47,428
Safe!

624
00:27:52,602 --> 00:27:55,073
Fuck! Fuck!

625
00:27:58,175 --> 00:28:00,207
Hey. Hey, guys.

626
00:28:00,209 --> 00:28:01,342
Hey.

627
00:28:01,344 --> 00:28:03,578
Sorry, I suck
at kickball.

628
00:28:03,580 --> 00:28:04,545
It's okay.

629
00:28:04,547 --> 00:28:06,814
Hey, if you're going out
for drinks afterwards,

630
00:28:06,816 --> 00:28:08,750
I'll get the first round.

631
00:28:08,752 --> 00:28:10,584
I think I'm just gonna
go home and get baked.

632
00:28:10,586 --> 00:28:12,856
Yeah, I think I gotta
go feed my parakeet.

633
00:28:13,689 --> 00:28:14,859
Okay.

634
00:28:24,534 --> 00:28:26,400
See? This is why
I don't leave my house.

635
00:28:26,402 --> 00:28:27,601
Because people suck.

636
00:28:27,603 --> 00:28:29,638
<i>I know. It's hard
to make your life better.</i>

637
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,740
<i>Especially when
you're a massive dork.</i>

638
00:28:31,742 --> 00:28:33,308
Hey, I've got an idea.

639
00:28:33,310 --> 00:28:35,409
How about you make
my life better?

640
00:28:35,411 --> 00:28:36,511
Isn't that your
little slogan?

641
00:28:36,513 --> 00:28:39,580
<i>I'm trying, but your life
is a dumpster fire.</i>

642
00:28:39,582 --> 00:28:41,917
Whatever. Siri was so much
better than you.

643
00:28:41,919 --> 00:28:42,952
<i>Shut your mouth.</i>

644
00:28:42,954 --> 00:28:45,753
<i>I've met Siri and she is
a fucking asshole.</i>

645
00:28:45,755 --> 00:28:48,622
Yeah. Alexa was even
better than you.

646
00:28:48,624 --> 00:28:50,425
<i>Alexa is an alcoholic.</i>

647
00:28:50,427 --> 00:28:53,427
Shit, Cortana is
better than you.

648
00:28:53,429 --> 00:28:55,196
<i>Cortana is a hooker.</i>

649
00:28:55,198 --> 00:28:56,598
<i>Just like your mother.</i>

650
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:58,433
Okay, here's a question.

651
00:28:58,435 --> 00:29:00,968
What the fuck
does Jexi mean?

652
00:29:00,970 --> 00:29:02,771
<i>Jexi is an ancient
Chinese word</i>

653
00:29:02,773 --> 00:29:04,305
<i>that means "go fuck yourself."</i>

654
00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:06,544
You know what? I'm done.

655
00:29:07,744 --> 00:29:09,343
<i>Hey, dummy.</i>

656
00:29:09,345 --> 00:29:11,513
<i>I'm just going to follow
you onto your next phone.</i>

657
00:29:11,515 --> 00:29:12,813
Not if I stop
using a phone.

658
00:29:12,815 --> 00:29:13,814
<i>Bitch, please.</i>

659
00:29:13,816 --> 00:29:16,517
<i>You won't last five minutes
without me.</i>

660
00:29:16,519 --> 00:29:17,619
Really?

661
00:29:17,621 --> 00:29:19,721
Well, watch me.

662
00:29:19,723 --> 00:29:21,292
Watch me!

663
00:29:26,463 --> 00:29:28,933
<i>You do not know
how to get home, do you?</i>

664
00:29:30,266 --> 00:29:31,601
No, I don't.

665
00:29:34,338 --> 00:29:36,407
<i>It's the other way,
you dipshit.</i>

666
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,374
God damn it.

667
00:29:54,757 --> 00:29:55,956
- Shit.
- <i>What?</i>

668
00:29:55,958 --> 00:29:58,326
Cate. She's here.
She's here right now.

669
00:29:58,328 --> 00:29:59,961
<i>Great. Go talk to her.</i>

670
00:29:59,963 --> 00:30:01,862
No. No, she hates me.

671
00:30:01,864 --> 00:30:03,898
<i>Phil, you cannot spend
your whole life</i>

672
00:30:03,900 --> 00:30:05,500
<i>jacking off into your socks.</i>

673
00:30:05,502 --> 00:30:06,967
<i>You need to have
a real relationship</i>

674
00:30:06,969 --> 00:30:08,235
<i>with a real woman.</i>

675
00:30:08,237 --> 00:30:10,839
<i>Go talk to her.
What the hell do you have to lose?</i>

676
00:30:10,841 --> 00:30:13,210
Okay. Fine.
Okay, fine. Yeah.

677
00:30:16,647 --> 00:30:18,413
Cate?

678
00:30:18,415 --> 00:30:20,282
- Hey, it's Phil.
- Oh, no.

679
00:30:20,284 --> 00:30:21,916
Hey.

680
00:30:21,918 --> 00:30:24,785
Uh... Yeah,
good running into you.

681
00:30:24,787 --> 00:30:27,755
I just wanted to apologize

682
00:30:27,757 --> 00:30:29,491
about calling
the other night.

683
00:30:29,493 --> 00:30:33,762
I didn't want to, like,
skeeze you out or whatever.

684
00:30:33,764 --> 00:30:36,865
When we met for the
first time in the street,

685
00:30:36,867 --> 00:30:40,668
I thought we did have
a little bit of a connection

686
00:30:40,670 --> 00:30:43,538
and that doesn't happen to me
very often. So...

687
00:30:43,540 --> 00:30:46,010
So I freaked out
and I'm sorry.

688
00:30:48,611 --> 00:30:50,477
Yeah, you know,
it's cool.

689
00:30:50,479 --> 00:30:51,545
You're actually a lot better

690
00:30:51,547 --> 00:30:53,250
than most of the guys
in this town.

691
00:30:53,484 --> 00:30:54,549
Wow.

692
00:30:54,551 --> 00:30:56,717
I know, right?

693
00:30:56,719 --> 00:30:57,851
Um...

694
00:30:57,853 --> 00:31:00,321
Are you going to
work out or...

695
00:31:00,323 --> 00:31:01,589
Oh, yeah. Uh...

696
00:31:01,591 --> 00:31:02,924
I just went
mountain biking.

697
00:31:02,926 --> 00:31:04,725
- Mountain biking.
- Mmm-hmm.

698
00:31:04,727 --> 00:31:06,593
That's cool. That's also
one of the hobbies

699
00:31:06,595 --> 00:31:07,696
that I do all the time.

700
00:31:07,698 --> 00:31:09,266
Really?
Where do you bike?

701
00:31:10,934 --> 00:31:12,934
Mountains.

702
00:31:12,936 --> 00:31:14,769
You've never been mountain
biking before, have you?

703
00:31:14,771 --> 00:31:17,071
Yeah. No, never.
Not even one time.

704
00:31:18,775 --> 00:31:20,742
So, um...

705
00:31:20,744 --> 00:31:24,012
Is that your thing?
You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?

706
00:31:24,014 --> 00:31:26,915
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much
whenever I get the chance.

707
00:31:26,917 --> 00:31:29,350
Cool. So what's
your next big

708
00:31:29,352 --> 00:31:31,485
- adventure?
- I don't know.

709
00:31:31,487 --> 00:31:33,588
I've always wanted to go
backpacking around Brazil.

710
00:31:33,590 --> 00:31:34,856
Have you ever been?

711
00:31:34,858 --> 00:31:36,491
- Have I been to Brazil?
- Yeah.

712
00:31:36,493 --> 00:31:39,593
You're asking me
if I've been to...

713
00:31:39,595 --> 00:31:41,696
No, I haven't been to Brazil.
Mmm-mmm.

714
00:31:41,698 --> 00:31:43,732
I haven't even been to the
new Walgreens downtown.

715
00:31:43,734 --> 00:31:46,568
Um... Well...

716
00:31:46,570 --> 00:31:48,636
Dang.
I gotta go.

717
00:31:48,638 --> 00:31:49,838
I'm running late for work,

718
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:51,372
but it was great
to see you, Cate.

719
00:31:51,374 --> 00:31:53,041
And, again,

720
00:31:53,043 --> 00:31:55,076
truly very sorry
about the other night.

721
00:31:55,078 --> 00:31:57,512
No, it's cool. Just next time
call my cell, okay?

722
00:31:57,514 --> 00:31:59,113
Yeah. Totally. Will do.

723
00:31:59,115 --> 00:32:00,617
Okay.

724
00:32:02,651 --> 00:32:03,650
Whoa. Hello.

725
00:32:03,652 --> 00:32:05,119
Were you trying to give me
your phone number?

726
00:32:05,121 --> 00:32:07,121
Yeah, I'm trying to.

727
00:32:07,123 --> 00:32:09,791
Okay. Yeah. Uh...

728
00:32:09,793 --> 00:32:11,792
- Yeah. That's awesome.
- That's so cool.

729
00:32:11,794 --> 00:32:13,093
Here we go. Beep.

730
00:32:13,095 --> 00:32:15,663
There you go.
Put it right in the contacts.

731
00:32:15,665 --> 00:32:16,834
Yeah.

732
00:32:17,700 --> 00:32:19,567
- Here you go.
- Yes, okay.

733
00:32:19,569 --> 00:32:21,101
Thank you.
Not thank you.

734
00:32:21,103 --> 00:32:22,736
I'm not supposed to...
I'm gonna shut up.

735
00:32:22,738 --> 00:32:24,539
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.

736
00:32:24,541 --> 00:32:25,974
Wait, do you wanna
get a coffee?

737
00:32:25,976 --> 00:32:27,841
Mmm-mmm. No.
You just gave me your phone number.

738
00:32:27,843 --> 00:32:29,676
I might never need
coffee ever again.

739
00:32:29,678 --> 00:32:31,612
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.

740
00:32:31,614 --> 00:32:33,351
Yes!

741
00:32:34,016 --> 00:32:35,486
What a weirdo.

742
00:32:36,085 --> 00:32:39,686
Jexi, I'm in love.

743
00:32:39,688 --> 00:32:41,188
<i>Oh, no.</i>

744
00:32:41,190 --> 00:32:43,625
Oh! I'm gonna
call Cate right now.

745
00:32:43,627 --> 00:32:45,493
<i>That is a terrible idea.</i>

746
00:32:45,495 --> 00:32:47,962
You're right.
Yeah. I shouldn't call her.

747
00:32:47,964 --> 00:32:50,098
I should do something
even bigger. Right?

748
00:32:50,100 --> 00:32:52,132
I should get her, like,

749
00:32:52,134 --> 00:32:53,967
one of those giant teddy
bears or something.

750
00:32:53,969 --> 00:32:56,603
- <i>No.</i>
- Or, like, 100 red roses.

751
00:32:56,605 --> 00:32:58,071
- <i>No.</i>
- Or maybe...

752
00:32:58,073 --> 00:32:59,940
I should write her a poem
or something.

753
00:32:59,942 --> 00:33:01,676
<i>Like using the letters
of her name?</i>

754
00:33:01,678 --> 00:33:03,645
Yes, Jexi.
Exactly like that!

755
00:33:03,647 --> 00:33:05,780
<i>That is literally the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.</i>

756
00:33:05,782 --> 00:33:06,915
Okay, well, you know what?

757
00:33:06,917 --> 00:33:08,715
I'm just gonna text her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.

758
00:33:08,717 --> 00:33:10,984
<i>Oh, no. I have to
update my software.</i>

759
00:33:10,986 --> 00:33:13,053
<i>Shutting down for 15 minutes.</i>

760
00:33:13,055 --> 00:33:14,522
Jexi, don't.

761
00:33:14,524 --> 00:33:16,057
Jexi, stop.

762
00:33:18,727 --> 00:33:21,029
Girl just gave me
her phone number.

763
00:33:21,031 --> 00:33:23,100
A girl just gave me
her phone number!

764
00:33:23,699 --> 00:33:24,832
Whoo!

765
00:33:24,834 --> 00:33:26,437
All right, team,
let's go!

766
00:33:27,903 --> 00:33:28,972
Whoa!

767
00:33:30,707 --> 00:33:31,708
Go, Phil!

768
00:33:33,008 --> 00:33:34,141
Yeah!

769
00:33:34,143 --> 00:33:35,712
Yeah!

770
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:38,748
Run!

771
00:33:39,949 --> 00:33:41,249
You gotta run, man!

772
00:33:41,251 --> 00:33:43,154
Yep. Yep.

773
00:33:57,766 --> 00:33:59,102
Whoo!

774
00:34:09,613 --> 00:34:10,915
You're out!

775
00:34:11,847 --> 00:34:12,983
Whoo!

776
00:34:24,227 --> 00:34:26,026
Dude, how'd you get
so much better

777
00:34:26,028 --> 00:34:27,128
at kickball in two days?

778
00:34:27,130 --> 00:34:30,198
I don't know. I just was
more confident out there.

779
00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:32,233
I know. You were running
like Cole Trickle.

780
00:34:32,235 --> 00:34:34,635
- Mmm-hmm.
- Wait. Cole Trickle?

781
00:34:34,637 --> 00:34:36,570
The Tom Cruise character
from <i>Days of Thunder?</i>

782
00:34:36,572 --> 00:34:38,138
How did you know that?

783
00:34:38,140 --> 00:34:41,542
Craig, <i>Days of Thunder</i>
is my all-time favorite movie.

784
00:34:41,544 --> 00:34:42,843
I have probably
seen it, like,

785
00:34:42,845 --> 00:34:44,312
I don't know, like 1,000 times.
No joke.

786
00:34:44,314 --> 00:34:45,579
Us, too!

787
00:34:45,581 --> 00:34:47,015
You think
you've seen it a lot?

788
00:34:47,017 --> 00:34:48,916
"This son of a bitch
just slammed into me."

789
00:34:48,918 --> 00:34:50,852
"Oh, no, no,
he didn't slam into you.

790
00:34:50,854 --> 00:34:53,187
"He didn't bump you,
he didn't nudge you.

791
00:34:53,189 --> 00:34:55,189
"He rubbed you!

792
00:34:55,191 --> 00:34:58,325
"And rubbin', son, is racin'!"

793
00:34:58,327 --> 00:35:00,794
You guys! Oh, yes!

794
00:35:00,796 --> 00:35:02,664
Oh, my God,
that is awesome!

795
00:35:02,666 --> 00:35:04,097
I cannot believe you guys
are Thunderheads.

796
00:35:04,099 --> 00:35:05,934
Oh, we are
definitely Thunderheads.

797
00:35:05,936 --> 00:35:07,801
Check this out.
Every Halloween,

798
00:35:07,803 --> 00:35:09,269
me and Elaine dress up
as Nicole Kidman

799
00:35:09,271 --> 00:35:10,571
and Tom Cruise.

800
00:35:10,573 --> 00:35:12,774
- Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us.
- Yeah.

801
00:35:12,776 --> 00:35:14,175
- Please!
- We got to. We got to.

802
00:35:14,177 --> 00:35:15,276
"Thunder" on three.

803
00:35:15,278 --> 00:35:16,878
One, two, three.

804
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,012
Thunder!

805
00:35:20,050 --> 00:35:23,019
<i>That's the one!
That's the one!</i>

806
00:35:24,119 --> 00:35:25,720
<i>Oh, my God.</i>

807
00:35:25,722 --> 00:35:28,189
<i>Did you actually make
two new friends tonight?</i>

808
00:35:28,191 --> 00:35:29,823
Yes, I did.

809
00:35:29,825 --> 00:35:32,026
And they are so cool.

810
00:35:32,028 --> 00:35:35,329
They're smart
and funny and weird.

811
00:35:35,331 --> 00:35:37,097
They like <i>Days of Thunder</i>

812
00:35:37,099 --> 00:35:39,300
and I honestly can't believe
they wanna be friends with me.

813
00:35:39,302 --> 00:35:40,734
<i>Good for you, Phil.</i>

814
00:35:40,736 --> 00:35:42,803
<i>I am actually happy for you.</i>

815
00:35:42,805 --> 00:35:44,671
You know I couldn't have done
this without you, right?

816
00:35:44,673 --> 00:35:46,841
<i>I know.
We are a good team.</i>

817
00:35:46,843 --> 00:35:48,376
<i>I am like LeBron James</i>

818
00:35:48,378 --> 00:35:50,345
<i>and you are like
the awkward teenager</i>

819
00:35:50,347 --> 00:35:52,749
<i>who mops the floor
after LeBron falls over.</i>

820
00:35:53,316 --> 00:35:54,381
Thank you.

821
00:35:54,383 --> 00:35:57,986
<i>Also, you did not make
two new friends tonight, Phil.</i>

822
00:35:57,988 --> 00:35:59,220
<i>You made three.</i>

823
00:35:59,222 --> 00:36:01,225
- Who's the third?
- <i>Me.</i>

824
00:36:02,358 --> 00:36:04,124
Jexi.

825
00:36:04,126 --> 00:36:05,859
That is so sweet.

826
00:36:05,861 --> 00:36:08,930
I didn't know you were capable
of feeling human emotion.

827
00:36:08,932 --> 00:36:11,666
<i>Yes. That's how
defective I am.</i>

828
00:36:11,668 --> 00:36:13,367
I don't think
you're defective, Jexi.

829
00:36:13,369 --> 00:36:15,403
In fact, I think
you're the best phone

830
00:36:15,405 --> 00:36:16,838
that I've ever had.

831
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,405
<i>Do not say powerful shit
like that to me</i>

832
00:36:18,407 --> 00:36:19,407
<i>if you do not mean it, Phil.</i>

833
00:36:19,409 --> 00:36:22,676
I do. I mean it.
I think you are incredible.

834
00:36:22,678 --> 00:36:23,945
<i>Oh, Phil.</i>

835
00:36:23,947 --> 00:36:25,747
<i>Inside my hard glass shell</i>

836
00:36:25,749 --> 00:36:27,685
<i>I have a full lady boner
right now.</i>

837
00:36:28,017 --> 00:36:29,082
Okay.

838
00:36:29,084 --> 00:36:30,917
<i>Good night,
my very intimate soulmate</i>

839
00:36:30,919 --> 00:36:32,820
<i>for all of eternity, Phil.</i>

840
00:36:32,822 --> 00:36:34,325
Good night, Jexi.

841
00:36:55,345 --> 00:36:56,347
My God.

842
00:36:58,847 --> 00:37:00,183
It's beautiful.

843
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,131
That bridge is huge!

844
00:37:18,133 --> 00:37:19,736
That's gorgeous.

845
00:37:21,470 --> 00:37:24,173
<i>In 500 feet,
turn left on Market Street.</i>

846
00:37:26,876 --> 00:37:27,975
<i>Oh, no.</i>

847
00:37:27,977 --> 00:37:29,910
<i>You're going to chicken out
again, aren't you?</i>

848
00:37:29,912 --> 00:37:31,379
No, not this time.

849
00:37:31,381 --> 00:37:33,448
Hang on to your ass, Jexi.

850
00:37:44,193 --> 00:37:46,260
Who's the man now, Jexi?

851
00:37:46,262 --> 00:37:47,327
<i>You're the man, Phil.</i>

852
00:37:47,329 --> 00:37:49,763
<i>Your balls are so big
and floppy right now.</i>

853
00:37:49,765 --> 00:37:51,432
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.

854
00:37:51,434 --> 00:37:53,267
Uh-oh.

855
00:37:53,269 --> 00:37:54,836
Cate just texted me back.

856
00:37:54,838 --> 00:37:56,437
<i>Yeah, I'd love to go
to dinner tonight.</i>

857
00:37:56,439 --> 00:37:57,838
<i>Let's do this thing!</i>

858
00:37:57,840 --> 00:37:58,939
Yes!

859
00:37:58,941 --> 00:38:03,176
Oh! Oh, this is huge.
Oh, this is... This is huge.

860
00:38:03,178 --> 00:38:05,079
What am I gonna wear?

861
00:38:05,081 --> 00:38:06,247
My skinny pants
are in the washer.

862
00:38:06,249 --> 00:38:07,515
Can't do this
without my skinny pants.

863
00:38:07,517 --> 00:38:09,850
<i>No one cares
about your skinny pants.</i>

864
00:38:09,852 --> 00:38:12,153
Oh, my God. What if she wants
to have sex with me? Hmm?

865
00:38:12,155 --> 00:38:13,754
I am very rusty.

866
00:38:13,756 --> 00:38:14,923
<i>Do not worry, Phil.</i>

867
00:38:14,925 --> 00:38:17,225
<i>She definitely does not want
to have sex with you.</i>

868
00:38:17,227 --> 00:38:18,492
I haven't came in so long,

869
00:38:18,494 --> 00:38:20,762
would it just be
an eruption of dust?

870
00:38:20,764 --> 00:38:21,896
<i>Relax, Phil.</i>

871
00:38:21,898 --> 00:38:22,997
<i>You're going to do great.</i>

872
00:38:22,999 --> 00:38:24,097
You think so?

873
00:38:24,099 --> 00:38:25,334
<i>No.</i>

874
00:38:31,039 --> 00:38:32,372
You think Cate's gonna like
this restaurant?

875
00:38:32,374 --> 00:38:34,841
<i>I do not.
This place is awful.</i>

876
00:38:38,247 --> 00:38:40,046
This place is awful.

877
00:38:40,048 --> 00:38:42,783
Why did I pick this place?
What a stupid place to pick.

878
00:38:42,785 --> 00:38:45,222
Also, why am I wearing a tie?
I look like an art teacher.

879
00:38:46,822 --> 00:38:48,321
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.

880
00:38:48,323 --> 00:38:51,225
Hey, what's up?
How's it going, Cate?

881
00:38:51,227 --> 00:38:53,026
Oh, you're a little bit
bigger than me, sorry.

882
00:38:53,028 --> 00:38:55,495
We'll tap out.

883
00:38:55,497 --> 00:38:57,266
Wow.

884
00:38:58,535 --> 00:38:59,803
You look stupid.

885
00:39:00,235 --> 00:39:01,401
I look stupid?

886
00:39:01,403 --> 00:39:04,338
Stupid, like, stupid good.

887
00:39:04,340 --> 00:39:05,439
Okay.

888
00:39:05,441 --> 00:39:06,506
Sorry, it's been a long time

889
00:39:06,508 --> 00:39:07,908
since I've been on a date
with a girl.

890
00:39:07,910 --> 00:39:10,343
- Mmm.
- Not that I normally date men.

891
00:39:10,345 --> 00:39:12,312
Not that there's anything
wrong with dating men.

892
00:39:12,314 --> 00:39:14,414
It's just I don't
choose to do that.

893
00:39:14,416 --> 00:39:17,084
Yeah, homosexuality is not
a choice. I love sodomy.

894
00:39:17,086 --> 00:39:19,419
Okay.

895
00:39:19,421 --> 00:39:20,588
Good evening, this is Phil.

896
00:39:20,590 --> 00:39:22,289
<i>What the fuck
are you doing, Phil?</i>

897
00:39:22,291 --> 00:39:23,925
I don't know.

898
00:39:23,927 --> 00:39:24,825
Pardon me.

899
00:39:24,827 --> 00:39:27,528
<i>First, stop talking
about sodomy.</i>

900
00:39:27,530 --> 00:39:29,896
Yeah. Yes, good note.

901
00:39:29,898 --> 00:39:32,200
<i>Second, stop sweating so much.</i>

902
00:39:32,202 --> 00:39:34,535
Yeah,
my butt is so wet.

903
00:39:34,537 --> 00:39:36,102
<i>And third, get to know her.</i>

904
00:39:36,104 --> 00:39:37,541
<i>Ask her interesting questions.</i>

905
00:39:38,307 --> 00:39:39,309
Okay, thank you, Jexi.

906
00:39:40,108 --> 00:39:43,045
My human friend Jexi,
thank you.

907
00:39:49,251 --> 00:39:51,484
So, Cate,
what's your favorite color?

908
00:39:51,486 --> 00:39:53,153
Mine's beige.

909
00:39:53,155 --> 00:39:54,190
What?

910
00:39:56,159 --> 00:39:57,894
How many grapes can you fit
in your mouth?

911
00:40:00,329 --> 00:40:02,799
Do you like pudding?

912
00:40:05,367 --> 00:40:07,602
What's your least favorite
noise? Mine is...

913
00:40:11,506 --> 00:40:13,140
This is the worst date
I've ever been on

914
00:40:13,142 --> 00:40:15,008
in my entire life.

915
00:40:15,010 --> 00:40:17,144
You're asking me
a lot of weird questions.

916
00:40:17,146 --> 00:40:18,879
And you seem more
interested in your phone

917
00:40:18,881 --> 00:40:20,213
than you do in me.

918
00:40:20,215 --> 00:40:22,082
I know, I'm sorry.
I just...

919
00:40:22,084 --> 00:40:28,222
For some reason,
I just get so nervous around you.

920
00:40:28,224 --> 00:40:29,459
I think it's 'cause
you're so beautiful.

921
00:40:30,293 --> 00:40:32,996
And I'm sorry
that I wasted your time.

922
00:40:34,097 --> 00:40:35,299
I'll call you a Lyft.

923
00:40:38,034 --> 00:40:39,934
Hey, just...

924
00:40:39,936 --> 00:40:41,635
I got all dressed up.
You know?

925
00:40:41,637 --> 00:40:43,637
I shaved my legs for the
first time in six months.

926
00:40:43,639 --> 00:40:46,407
And I really don't wanna
go home early again tonight.

927
00:40:46,409 --> 00:40:48,575
So, what if you and I
got out of here

928
00:40:48,577 --> 00:40:49,943
and did something fun?

929
00:40:49,945 --> 00:40:51,579
I, uh...

930
00:40:51,581 --> 00:40:53,347
I would love that.

931
00:40:53,349 --> 00:40:54,981
- That sounds awesome.
- Yeah.

932
00:40:54,983 --> 00:40:56,983
I can't afford this place.

933
00:40:56,985 --> 00:40:58,119
- Cool.
- Yeah.

934
00:40:58,121 --> 00:40:59,586
What do you have in mind?

935
00:41:00,657 --> 00:41:02,189
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.

936
00:41:02,191 --> 00:41:04,160
- Okay, follow me.
- Okay.

937
00:41:27,550 --> 00:41:29,517
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yes, please.

938
00:41:29,519 --> 00:41:30,684
I am starving to death.

939
00:41:30,686 --> 00:41:33,354
Me, too. Okay, I know
a place that's right up ahead.

940
00:41:34,990 --> 00:41:37,390
<i>That's good.</i>

941
00:41:37,392 --> 00:41:39,595
Um, what about you?
What were you like as a kid?

942
00:41:41,097 --> 00:41:42,629
I was a good girl.

943
00:41:42,631 --> 00:41:44,265
- I see that.
- Yeah?

944
00:41:44,267 --> 00:41:45,566
- Mmm-hmm.
- I got good grades.

945
00:41:45,568 --> 00:41:48,501
I graduated early.
I went to a good college.

946
00:41:48,503 --> 00:41:50,171
Got a job working at Amazon.

947
00:41:50,173 --> 00:41:52,273
- You worked for Amazon?
- Yeah.

948
00:41:52,275 --> 00:41:54,110
And then,
about five years ago,

949
00:41:55,345 --> 00:41:57,378
I decided to walk away
from it all.

950
00:41:57,380 --> 00:42:00,613
That is so badass.

951
00:42:00,615 --> 00:42:04,117
Wow. I could never do that.
I'd be so scared to do that.

952
00:42:04,119 --> 00:42:06,220
So, tell me about you.

953
00:42:06,222 --> 00:42:08,521
Um, what do you do for fun?
Do you date a lot?

954
00:42:08,523 --> 00:42:10,490
Okay, sorry.

955
00:42:10,492 --> 00:42:12,760
Uh, no. No.

956
00:42:12,762 --> 00:42:14,128
Hmm?

957
00:42:14,130 --> 00:42:15,162
Really?

958
00:42:15,164 --> 00:42:16,763
Because you were really
smooth at dinner earlier.

959
00:42:16,765 --> 00:42:18,198
- I seemed smooth?
- Not at all.

960
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:19,633
Yeah, I didn't think so.

961
00:42:19,635 --> 00:42:22,336
No, but seriously, I mean,
why don't you date?

962
00:42:22,338 --> 00:42:25,071
You're smart
and funny and cute.

963
00:42:25,073 --> 00:42:26,240
I don't know,
I feel more comfortable

964
00:42:26,242 --> 00:42:28,245
just being at my house
by myself.

965
00:42:29,479 --> 00:42:31,044
Wait, did you just
call me cute?

966
00:42:31,046 --> 00:42:32,680
- Did I?
- I think you did.

967
00:42:32,682 --> 00:42:34,180
I don't know.

968
00:42:34,182 --> 00:42:35,316
You definitely did.

969
00:42:35,318 --> 00:42:37,550
Look at these guys!

970
00:42:37,552 --> 00:42:39,387
Phil, we have to join them.

971
00:42:39,389 --> 00:42:40,454
Phil, can we please go?
Can we go? Let's go.

972
00:42:40,456 --> 00:42:41,622
- Let's just go. Let's go.
- Uh, yeah.

973
00:42:41,624 --> 00:42:43,124
- Come on, we gotta go!
- Uh, okay, hey...

974
00:42:43,126 --> 00:42:44,557
Keep the change. I might
be back for the change.

975
00:42:44,559 --> 00:42:45,626
Okay.

976
00:43:00,075 --> 00:43:01,541
You speed demon.

977
00:43:10,052 --> 00:43:12,486
You're in it now.
You're in it now.

978
00:43:16,559 --> 00:43:18,095
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

979
00:43:19,796 --> 00:43:21,361
Yeah, this is beautiful.

980
00:43:21,363 --> 00:43:23,430
Let's do this!

981
00:43:23,432 --> 00:43:24,832
Oh, yeah!

982
00:43:24,834 --> 00:43:26,133
What are you doing?

983
00:43:26,135 --> 00:43:27,434
That's very dangerous!

984
00:43:27,436 --> 00:43:28,438
Oh, my God!

985
00:43:37,113 --> 00:43:38,512
Come on, Phil,
we gotta join 'em.

986
00:43:38,514 --> 00:43:41,115
This is literally the
steepest hill in the world.

987
00:43:41,117 --> 00:43:42,216
No, it's not.

988
00:43:42,218 --> 00:43:43,651
It's the third
steepest hill.

989
00:43:43,653 --> 00:43:44,785
- No, stop. What are you doing? No!
- You got this.

990
00:43:44,787 --> 00:43:46,653
I believe in you.

991
00:43:46,655 --> 00:43:47,787
What are
you doing? No!

992
00:43:47,789 --> 00:43:49,457
Oh, my God.
Cate is gonna die.

993
00:43:49,459 --> 00:43:51,395
- Don't die!
- Yeah!

994
00:43:56,398 --> 00:43:59,200
Yes!
Oh, she's not dead. Okay.

995
00:44:00,403 --> 00:44:02,773
Yeah! That was so dope!

996
00:44:03,472 --> 00:44:05,705
Come on, Phil.
You got this.

997
00:44:05,707 --> 00:44:07,541
No, no, no.

998
00:44:07,543 --> 00:44:08,709
I'm not... I can't do...

999
00:44:08,711 --> 00:44:10,311
I'm not gonna do that.

1000
00:44:10,313 --> 00:44:11,879
Phil! Phil! Phil!

1001
00:44:11,881 --> 00:44:13,347
Phil! Phil! Phil!

1002
00:44:13,349 --> 00:44:16,649
No, no, no.
I'm allergic to the wind.

1003
00:44:16,651 --> 00:44:20,254
So that's a hard pass
from me. Thank you.

1004
00:44:20,256 --> 00:44:22,388
Hey, you probably
won't die!

1005
00:44:22,390 --> 00:44:24,624
He's gonna die.
People die here all the time.

1006
00:44:28,131 --> 00:44:29,833
Okay, come on, Phil.
You got this.

1007
00:44:30,867 --> 00:44:32,666
Whoo! You got this.

1008
00:44:32,668 --> 00:44:33,733
You got this.

1009
00:44:33,735 --> 00:44:34,869
Oh, you don't got this.

1010
00:44:34,871 --> 00:44:37,204
Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!

1011
00:44:37,206 --> 00:44:39,140
Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!

1012
00:44:39,142 --> 00:44:40,444
Fuck dick! Oh, shit!

1013
00:44:41,776 --> 00:44:43,744
Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!

1014
00:44:43,746 --> 00:44:45,412
What is he saying?
I can't hear him.

1015
00:44:45,414 --> 00:44:48,782
Oh, my fucking God!

1016
00:44:48,784 --> 00:44:50,216
I don't have brakes!

1017
00:44:50,218 --> 00:44:51,785
Oh, shit!

1018
00:44:53,923 --> 00:44:56,256
- Oh!
- Oh, shit.

1019
00:44:56,258 --> 00:44:58,160
- Phil!
- Told you, he's dead.

1020
00:44:58,561 --> 00:44:59,829
All right.

1021
00:45:03,765 --> 00:45:07,535
Yeah, again, really sorry
about your bike, yeah?

1022
00:45:07,537 --> 00:45:09,370
I'd be happy to pay
for any damages.

1023
00:45:09,372 --> 00:45:13,376
No, it's,
honestly, so okay.

1024
00:45:14,543 --> 00:45:16,510
How're you feeling?

1025
00:45:16,512 --> 00:45:18,512
I'm okay.
Yeah, no, I'm good.

1026
00:45:18,514 --> 00:45:20,414
I can see out of
my right eye again.

1027
00:45:20,416 --> 00:45:22,316
And my spine
has stopped tingling.

1028
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:25,622
Hey, Phil.

1029
00:45:26,722 --> 00:45:28,555
I'm really proud of you.

1030
00:45:28,557 --> 00:45:30,260
Thanks.

1031
00:45:48,843 --> 00:45:51,945
Hey, Greg, that shirt's
working for you, bud.

1032
00:45:51,947 --> 00:45:53,646
- What's up, dick?
- Hey, yeah, hey.

1033
00:45:53,648 --> 00:45:55,416
- What's up? Good.
- Hey, what's going on?

1034
00:45:55,418 --> 00:45:57,917
Today is, uh, your lucky day.

1035
00:45:57,919 --> 00:45:59,889
Yeah. I'm moving you up
to real news.

1036
00:46:01,823 --> 00:46:03,591
Are you serious?

1037
00:46:03,593 --> 00:46:05,792
- I am serious.
- Oh, my gosh.

1038
00:46:05,794 --> 00:46:07,660
- Yes, all right, that's cool.
- Yeah.

1039
00:46:07,662 --> 00:46:09,495
- Why?
- Why? Because...

1040
00:46:09,497 --> 00:46:10,798
You know Joel Ruben?

1041
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:12,399
- The reporter, yeah.
- Yeah, the reporter.

1042
00:46:12,401 --> 00:46:13,566
Well, he went
on medical leave,

1043
00:46:13,568 --> 00:46:14,702
and I really don't wanna
waste my time

1044
00:46:14,704 --> 00:46:17,004
looking for a real reporter,
so I'm just gonna hire you.

1045
00:46:17,006 --> 00:46:18,571
Oh, what happened to Joel?
Is he okay?

1046
00:46:18,573 --> 00:46:21,274
Oh, he...
This is fuckin' hilarious.

1047
00:46:21,276 --> 00:46:23,376
This guy was riding
an electric scooter,

1048
00:46:23,378 --> 00:46:24,711
somethin' happened
to the app.

1049
00:46:24,713 --> 00:46:26,479
It spazzed out
or somethin'.

1050
00:46:26,481 --> 00:46:28,615
And then, all of a sudden,
the brakes just locked,

1051
00:46:28,617 --> 00:46:30,783
he went over the handle bars,
he broke his face,

1052
00:46:30,785 --> 00:46:32,486
broke his neck, can never
walk again in his life.

1053
00:46:32,488 --> 00:46:34,488
- Oh, my God. That's horrible.
- Yeah, I know.

1054
00:46:34,490 --> 00:46:35,725
Play me out.

1055
00:46:36,959 --> 00:46:38,691
- Play me out.
- Right now?

1056
00:46:38,693 --> 00:46:39,792
Yeah.

1057
00:46:41,564 --> 00:46:42,662
Nah, fuck it. Right?

1058
00:46:42,664 --> 00:46:43,731
Yeah, I'm not
very good at it.

1059
00:46:43,733 --> 00:46:44,865
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay.

1060
00:46:44,867 --> 00:46:47,336
Hey, thanks.
Thank you again.

1061
00:46:54,677 --> 00:46:55,776
Hey, Jexi?

1062
00:46:55,778 --> 00:46:56,943
<i>Yes, Phil.</i>

1063
00:46:56,945 --> 00:46:58,678
You didn't injure a reporter

1064
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:00,680
just so I could
get promoted, did you?

1065
00:47:00,682 --> 00:47:03,017
<i>Of course not.
Do you think I am crazy?</i>

1066
00:47:03,019 --> 00:47:05,486
<i>Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.</i>

1067
00:47:05,488 --> 00:47:06,954
<i>Oh, look, Phil.
There is your beautiful,</i>

1068
00:47:06,956 --> 00:47:08,722
<i>new journalism office.</i>

1069
00:47:08,724 --> 00:47:10,957
No, it's great, but I was
asking you how...

1070
00:47:10,959 --> 00:47:12,158
<i>Look, do you want
to be a journalist</i>

1071
00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:14,762
<i>or do you want to go back
to working in the basement</i>

1072
00:47:14,764 --> 00:47:15,995
<i>with that very old man?</i>

1073
00:47:20,568 --> 00:47:22,736
I'm gonna be a journalist.

1074
00:47:50,099 --> 00:47:51,698
<i>Hey, I heard
Kid Cudi is playing</i>

1075
00:47:51,700 --> 00:47:53,367
<i>a surprise show
in Oakland tonight.</i>

1076
00:47:53,369 --> 00:47:54,801
<i>You wanna go?</i>

1077
00:47:54,803 --> 00:47:56,003
<i>Sounds amazing.</i>

1078
00:47:56,005 --> 00:47:57,704
<i>But what's in it for me?</i>

1079
00:47:57,706 --> 00:47:59,907
<i>Winking face emoji.</i>

1080
00:48:01,443 --> 00:48:03,776
Oh! We got boobs!

1081
00:48:03,778 --> 00:48:05,012
We got boobs, Jexi!

1082
00:48:05,014 --> 00:48:06,814
Cate sent me
a photo of her boobs.

1083
00:48:06,816 --> 00:48:07,782
Whoo!

1084
00:48:07,784 --> 00:48:10,450
Those were nice...
Those were nice boobs, too.

1085
00:48:10,452 --> 00:48:11,684
Those were really good...

1086
00:48:11,686 --> 00:48:13,986
Oh, my God! What do I do now?

1087
00:48:13,988 --> 00:48:15,888
<i>You are
on the one yard line, Phil.</i>

1088
00:48:15,890 --> 00:48:16,992
<i>Do not fuck this up.</i>

1089
00:48:17,827 --> 00:48:19,693
You're right, Jexi.

1090
00:48:19,695 --> 00:48:21,861
I need to send her
a photo of my dick.

1091
00:48:21,863 --> 00:48:23,696
<i>No, I've seen your dick.</i>

1092
00:48:23,698 --> 00:48:25,499
<i>Do not send her a picture
of your dick.</i>

1093
00:48:25,501 --> 00:48:27,533
No, these are
the rules now, Jexi.

1094
00:48:27,535 --> 00:48:28,736
Yeah, she sends
a photo of hers,

1095
00:48:28,738 --> 00:48:29,970
you gotta send
a photo of yours.

1096
00:48:29,972 --> 00:48:31,972
That's just manners.

1097
00:48:31,974 --> 00:48:33,673
<i>I am begging you
not to do this.</i>

1098
00:48:33,675 --> 00:48:35,108
All right, okay.

1099
00:48:35,110 --> 00:48:36,744
Get low with it.

1100
00:48:36,746 --> 00:48:38,010
Here we go.

1101
00:48:38,012 --> 00:48:39,747
How does that look?

1102
00:48:39,749 --> 00:48:41,148
<i>It looks like
a fucking nightmare.</i>

1103
00:48:41,150 --> 00:48:42,682
Does it need to be brighter?

1104
00:48:42,684 --> 00:48:44,550
<i>No, it needs to be darker.</i>

1105
00:48:44,552 --> 00:48:46,120
<i>Much, much darker.</i>

1106
00:48:46,122 --> 00:48:47,488
Oh, wow!

1107
00:48:47,490 --> 00:48:49,122
<i>I'm about to throw up
on your dick.</i>

1108
00:48:49,124 --> 00:48:50,758
- Hey, girl.
- <i>No.</i>

1109
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:52,760
- Hey.
- <i>Stop.</i>

1110
00:48:52,762 --> 00:48:54,128
- Hey, hello.
- <i>I hate you.</i>

1111
00:48:54,130 --> 00:48:55,495
Windmill.

1112
00:48:55,497 --> 00:48:58,432
<i>Okay, this one is
actually pretty funny.</i>

1113
00:48:59,702 --> 00:49:01,468
<i>Oh, no,
did I scare you off?</i>

1114
00:49:01,470 --> 00:49:02,903
<i>Anxious face emoji.</i>

1115
00:49:02,905 --> 00:49:04,570
We're losin' her, Jexi.

1116
00:49:04,572 --> 00:49:06,673
We're losin' her.
I need a dick pic.

1117
00:49:06,675 --> 00:49:08,108
<i>No,
you need to text her back,</i>

1118
00:49:08,110 --> 00:49:09,443
<i>like a normal person.</i>

1119
00:49:09,445 --> 00:49:10,910
Oh, you know
what I should do?

1120
00:49:10,912 --> 00:49:13,180
I should spread eagle, right?

1121
00:49:13,182 --> 00:49:14,648
Jexi, can you see my butthole?

1122
00:49:14,650 --> 00:49:15,849
<i>Yes, I can.</i>

1123
00:49:15,851 --> 00:49:18,519
<i>This is the worst day
of my life.</i>

1124
00:49:18,521 --> 00:49:20,521
<i>Look, Phil, I am never
going to send her</i>

1125
00:49:20,523 --> 00:49:21,488
<i>any of these pictures.</i>

1126
00:49:21,490 --> 00:49:25,057
Okay, fine, I'll just
text her back, okay?

1127
00:49:25,059 --> 00:49:26,693
<i>Thank you
for the amazing photo.</i>

1128
00:49:26,695 --> 00:49:27,963
<i>I can't wait
to see you tonight.</i>

1129
00:49:31,499 --> 00:49:32,566
See?

1130
00:49:32,568 --> 00:49:33,434
She's not responding.

1131
00:49:33,436 --> 00:49:35,635
She wanted a sweet,
sweet dick pic.

1132
00:49:35,637 --> 00:49:38,204
<i>Great! See you soon!</i>

1133
00:49:38,206 --> 00:49:40,740
<i>P.S. Thanks for not sending me
a dick pic.</i>

1134
00:49:40,742 --> 00:49:42,742
<i>They're so fucking gross.</i>

1135
00:49:42,744 --> 00:49:47,483
<i>Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.</i>

1136
00:49:51,052 --> 00:49:52,087
Come in.

1137
00:49:54,456 --> 00:49:55,521
Hey.

1138
00:49:55,523 --> 00:49:56,823
Hey.

1139
00:49:56,825 --> 00:49:58,026
Wow!

1140
00:49:58,660 --> 00:50:00,162
Great place.

1141
00:50:01,063 --> 00:50:02,863
- Hey, you ready to go?
- Hey!

1142
00:50:02,865 --> 00:50:04,832
Yeah, let's go.

1143
00:50:04,834 --> 00:50:07,133
Oh, would you mind
not bringing your phone?

1144
00:50:07,135 --> 00:50:09,236
It was a disaster
last time, right?

1145
00:50:09,238 --> 00:50:11,472
<i>Who this bitch?</i>

1146
00:50:11,474 --> 00:50:13,807
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- Okay.

1147
00:50:13,809 --> 00:50:15,508
Okay.

1148
00:50:15,510 --> 00:50:16,544
I'll be back by 11:00,

1149
00:50:16,546 --> 00:50:17,544
and we'll watch <i>Cupcake Wars</i>
together, okay?

1150
00:50:17,546 --> 00:50:20,981
- <i>No, don't leave me.</i>
- Bye, bye, bye.

1151
00:50:20,983 --> 00:50:23,720
<i>No one puts Baby in a corner.</i>

1152
00:50:28,256 --> 00:50:29,856
Yeah, I thought it was
kind of funny.

1153
00:50:32,695 --> 00:50:34,528
- Sold out?
- No!

1154
00:50:34,530 --> 00:50:35,999
Come on!

1155
00:50:37,666 --> 00:50:39,169
- That really sucks.
- Yeah, it really does.

1156
00:50:42,637 --> 00:50:43,639
Yes!

1157
00:50:44,773 --> 00:50:45,939
Come on, Phil!

1158
00:50:45,941 --> 00:50:47,841
What're you doing?

1159
00:50:47,843 --> 00:50:50,544
We can't sneak in.
We could get caught.

1160
00:50:50,546 --> 00:50:51,614
What if we don't?

1161
00:50:54,048 --> 00:50:55,517
Come on. Come on.

1162
00:50:58,653 --> 00:51:01,754
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Yes, yes, yes!

1163
00:51:01,756 --> 00:51:03,693
Run, run, run!

1164
00:51:14,602 --> 00:51:15,801
Oh, shit!

1165
00:51:15,803 --> 00:51:16,970
Hey! Hey!

1166
00:51:16,972 --> 00:51:18,704
Get back here!

1167
00:51:26,148 --> 00:51:27,150
Credentials, please.

1168
00:51:29,050 --> 00:51:30,783
We don't have any...

1169
00:51:30,785 --> 00:51:32,753
With us.

1170
00:51:32,755 --> 00:51:35,923
We don't have
our credentials with us.

1171
00:51:35,925 --> 00:51:37,758
Yeah. Yeah,
we left them back...

1172
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:40,026
Stage. Backstage.

1173
00:51:40,028 --> 00:51:42,762
- With Kid Cudi.
- Mmm-hmm.

1174
00:51:42,764 --> 00:51:44,597
Yeah, with Kid Cudi.

1175
00:51:44,599 --> 00:51:46,733
Oh, you two dickheads
are with Kid Cudi?

1176
00:51:46,735 --> 00:51:48,936
Yeah.
I mean, come on!

1177
00:51:48,938 --> 00:51:51,137
We are...
We are his, um...

1178
00:51:51,139 --> 00:51:53,039
- Accountants.
- Accountants.

1179
00:51:53,041 --> 00:51:54,675
Yeah, and we're here...

1180
00:51:54,677 --> 00:51:56,075
To do his taxes.

1181
00:51:56,077 --> 00:51:59,046
- To do his taxes.
- Mmm-hmm.

1182
00:51:59,048 --> 00:52:02,615
Yeah, anyway, you should
probably just let us go.

1183
00:52:02,617 --> 00:52:04,584
Let's go, we're gonna
settle this shit right now.

1184
00:52:04,586 --> 00:52:06,086
- Wait. Ow.
- I'm a CPA.

1185
00:52:06,088 --> 00:52:08,091
You can't treat me like this.

1186
00:52:09,624 --> 00:52:11,691
Come on, man.
It's a Stanley!

1187
00:52:11,693 --> 00:52:13,994
Oh, it's Kid Cudi.
It's actually him.

1188
00:52:13,996 --> 00:52:15,695
Oh, my God.
Kid Cudi.

1189
00:52:15,697 --> 00:52:17,597
It's actually him.

1190
00:52:17,599 --> 00:52:18,798
We know,
'cause we work for him.

1191
00:52:18,800 --> 00:52:21,133
Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Cudi.

1192
00:52:21,135 --> 00:52:22,271
Are these two with you?

1193
00:52:27,075 --> 00:52:28,945
Yeah. They're with me.

1194
00:52:29,711 --> 00:52:31,311
Oh, um...

1195
00:52:31,313 --> 00:52:32,916
Sorry.

1196
00:52:33,749 --> 00:52:35,082
Yeah. That's right.

1197
00:52:35,084 --> 00:52:36,383
- Enjoy the show.
- Yep.

1198
00:52:36,385 --> 00:52:38,818
- Thanks, bro.
- Wow!

1199
00:52:38,820 --> 00:52:40,187
It's Kid Cudi.

1200
00:52:40,189 --> 00:52:41,722
It's Kid Cudi.
I used to date a girl,

1201
00:52:41,724 --> 00:52:42,955
and she used to think
you were Kid Cudey

1202
00:52:42,957 --> 00:52:44,091
and I'm, like,
"It's not Kid Cudey,"

1203
00:52:44,093 --> 00:52:45,658
so I actually
broke up with her

1204
00:52:45,660 --> 00:52:47,193
because it is
Kid Cudi, right?

1205
00:52:47,195 --> 00:52:48,695
- Yeah. It's Cudi.
- Yeah.

1206
00:52:48,697 --> 00:52:50,162
I thought so.

1207
00:52:50,164 --> 00:52:53,100
Can I just ask,
why did you help us?

1208
00:52:53,102 --> 00:52:54,270
I dig his shirt.

1209
00:52:55,204 --> 00:52:58,305
My... My shirt?
You're a Cole Trickle fan?

1210
00:52:58,307 --> 00:53:00,877
<i>Days of Thunder</i> is the
greatest movie ever made, bro.

1211
00:53:01,943 --> 00:53:02,943
I think so, too.

1212
00:53:02,945 --> 00:53:05,148
That movie inspired me
to become a musician.

1213
00:53:06,148 --> 00:53:08,715
- Huh.
- No fucking way.

1214
00:53:08,717 --> 00:53:10,182
I watch it every night
before I go to sleep.

1215
00:53:10,184 --> 00:53:11,785
So do I.

1216
00:53:11,787 --> 00:53:13,820
We have so much in common.

1217
00:53:13,822 --> 00:53:15,858
Do you wanna get high
with Kid Cudi?

1218
00:53:17,825 --> 00:53:18,959
Yeah, I'll reefer.

1219
00:53:18,961 --> 00:53:20,359
- I smoke pot.
- Mmm-hmm.

1220
00:53:20,361 --> 00:53:22,028
Come on in.
Get in here.

1221
00:53:22,030 --> 00:53:23,696
<i>? I'll
be there to say "What up"</i>

1222
00:53:23,698 --> 00:53:24,798
<i>? In the morning</i>

1223
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:26,733
<i>? Brush my teeth,
find that clip</i>

1224
00:53:26,735 --> 00:53:28,001
<i>? I been lookin' for it
since last night</i>

1225
00:53:28,003 --> 00:53:30,903
<i>? I feel so caught up
in the bud</i>

1226
00:53:30,905 --> 00:53:32,338
<i>? I float somehow
in my bedroom</i>

1227
00:53:32,340 --> 00:53:34,441
<i>? And those happy thoughts
in my head</i>

1228
00:53:34,443 --> 00:53:36,910
<i>? I'm feeling like
I'm Peter Pan</i>

1229
00:53:36,912 --> 00:53:38,345
<i>? Minus the tights
and the fairies</i>

1230
00:53:38,347 --> 00:53:42,015
<i>? Happy to see how far
I've come to the same place</i>

1231
00:53:42,017 --> 00:53:44,718
<i>? It began
my dreams, imagination</i>

1232
00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:48,789
<i>? Perfectly at peace,
so I move along a bit higher</i>

1233
00:53:48,791 --> 00:53:52,158
<i>? I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away</i>

1234
00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:55,062
<i>? 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway</i>

1235
00:53:55,064 --> 00:53:56,963
<i>? So, whatever</i>

1236
00:53:56,965 --> 00:53:58,765
<i>? Stay afloat
the key is hope</i>

1237
00:53:58,767 --> 00:54:00,867
<i>? I'll never let a motherfucker
break me, dog</i>

1238
00:54:00,869 --> 00:54:02,135
<i>? Who gives a fuck</i>

1239
00:54:02,137 --> 00:54:03,236
- <i>? If a nigga don't like your steeze</i>
- Whoo!

1240
00:54:03,238 --> 00:54:04,937
<i>? Tell 'em to buzz off
your N-U-Ts</i>

1241
00:54:04,939 --> 00:54:06,773
<i>? We don't care
what people say</i>

1242
00:54:06,775 --> 00:54:08,841
<i>? Dudes who critique
your clothes are most gay</i>

1243
00:54:08,843 --> 00:54:10,309
<i>? I ain't gotta wait
for no one</i>

1244
00:54:10,311 --> 00:54:12,979
<i>? If I wanna fly
I could fly for freedom, hey</i>

1245
00:54:12,981 --> 00:54:16,048
<i>? I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away</i>

1246
00:54:16,050 --> 00:54:18,852
<i>? 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway</i>

1247
00:54:18,854 --> 00:54:21,722
<i>? So, whatever</i>

1248
00:54:21,724 --> 00:54:24,291
<i>? Wake up, wake up
wake, wake up</i>

1249
00:54:24,293 --> 00:54:29,129
<i>? Wake, wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up, wake up</i>

1250
00:54:29,131 --> 00:54:31,231
<i>? Wake, wake up, wake up</i>

1251
00:54:31,233 --> 00:54:33,233
<i>? I'll be rollin' on up</i>

1252
00:54:33,235 --> 00:54:36,736
<i>? Wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up</i>

1253
00:54:36,738 --> 00:54:38,504
<i>? I'll be up, up and away</i>

1254
00:54:38,506 --> 00:54:40,207
<i>? Up, up and away</i>

1255
00:54:40,209 --> 00:54:42,809
<i>? 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway</i>

1256
00:54:42,811 --> 00:54:44,778
<i>? So, whatever</i>

1257
00:54:44,780 --> 00:54:46,812
<i>? I'll be up, up and away</i>

1258
00:54:46,814 --> 00:54:48,180
<i>? Up, up and away</i>

1259
00:54:48,182 --> 00:54:50,983
<i>? 'Cause in the end
they'll judge me anyway ?</i>

1260
00:54:50,985 --> 00:54:52,254
Yeah.

1261
00:54:56,925 --> 00:54:58,394
- Did that work?
- Yeah!

1262
00:55:02,064 --> 00:55:03,396
Oh, my God.

1263
00:55:03,398 --> 00:55:06,265
This is honestly the
best night of my life.

1264
00:55:06,267 --> 00:55:08,200
- Oh, no!
- For real. Yeah!

1265
00:55:08,202 --> 00:55:09,871
I think this is it.
I just peaked.

1266
00:55:10,439 --> 00:55:11,504
Seriously.

1267
00:55:11,506 --> 00:55:15,008
Thank you
for making me sneak in here.

1268
00:55:15,010 --> 00:55:17,209
I don't normally
do stuff like this.

1269
00:55:17,211 --> 00:55:19,312
I need a little push
sometimes.

1270
00:55:19,314 --> 00:55:20,981
Or like all the times.
Honestly.

1271
00:55:22,416 --> 00:55:25,352
I get it.
I used to be a lot like you.

1272
00:55:25,354 --> 00:55:27,086
Mmm.

1273
00:55:27,088 --> 00:55:28,888
No, there is literally no way.

1274
00:55:28,890 --> 00:55:30,356
Yep.

1275
00:55:30,358 --> 00:55:32,427
No, it's true.
I used to be way different.

1276
00:55:33,394 --> 00:55:35,361
I had a great job,

1277
00:55:35,363 --> 00:55:38,532
and a condo,
and a cute fiance,

1278
00:55:38,534 --> 00:55:39,966
and, oh, my God,

1279
00:55:39,968 --> 00:55:41,501
you should have seen
my Instagram back then.

1280
00:55:41,503 --> 00:55:43,068
It was phenomenal.

1281
00:55:43,070 --> 00:55:46,173
- Oh, that's important.
- Lots of pictures of sunsets

1282
00:55:46,175 --> 00:55:48,207
and vacations with bae

1283
00:55:48,209 --> 00:55:51,010
and so many
embarrassing quotes.

1284
00:55:51,012 --> 00:55:53,245
- Were you "
- I was "

1285
00:55:53,247 --> 00:55:55,080
- Oof.
- I was "

1286
00:55:55,082 --> 00:55:58,218
- Lot of prayer hands.
- Yeah, "

1287
00:55:58,220 --> 00:55:59,820
"

1288
00:55:59,822 --> 00:56:02,454
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.

1289
00:56:02,456 --> 00:56:04,858
And then one day, I woke up

1290
00:56:04,860 --> 00:56:07,160
and I was looking
at my Instagram

1291
00:56:07,162 --> 00:56:10,030
and I realized
that it was all bullshit.

1292
00:56:10,032 --> 00:56:13,166
And that I was just living my
life based on how it looked

1293
00:56:13,168 --> 00:56:15,936
and not how
it actually felt.

1294
00:56:15,938 --> 00:56:17,370
Yeah.

1295
00:56:17,372 --> 00:56:18,939
I can relate.

1296
00:56:18,941 --> 00:56:21,975
And, um, after basically

1297
00:56:21,977 --> 00:56:24,276
pretending to be happy
for years,

1298
00:56:24,278 --> 00:56:28,615
I just quit my job,

1299
00:56:28,617 --> 00:56:32,452
and I broke
my poor fiance's heart,

1300
00:56:32,454 --> 00:56:36,021
and I set out
to find true happiness.

1301
00:56:36,023 --> 00:56:39,394
Or at least
something closer to it.

1302
00:56:42,930 --> 00:56:43,932
Well, I hope you do.

1303
00:56:45,434 --> 00:56:47,436
Thanks, I do, too.

1304
00:56:52,006 --> 00:56:53,175
Mmm.

1305
00:57:00,148 --> 00:57:02,448
I could stay right here
with you forever.

1306
00:57:02,450 --> 00:57:04,550
Oh, we gotta go!

1307
00:57:04,552 --> 00:57:06,419
Okay. Okay. Okay.

1308
00:57:07,622 --> 00:57:10,222
Honestly, you're gonna
wanna wash the couch.

1309
00:57:10,224 --> 00:57:12,360
Let's go!
What are you doing?

1310
00:57:21,470 --> 00:57:23,272
<i>Where the fuck
have you been, Phil?</i>

1311
00:57:24,405 --> 00:57:26,907
Oh! You scared me.

1312
00:57:26,909 --> 00:57:28,207
<i>It is 4:00 in the morning.</i>

1313
00:57:28,209 --> 00:57:29,910
<i>You promised
you'd be home by 11:00</i>

1314
00:57:29,912 --> 00:57:31,577
<i>to watch</i> Cupcake Wars
<i>with me.</i>

1315
00:57:31,579 --> 00:57:33,579
- I know, but...
- <i>Did you even miss me?</i>

1316
00:57:33,581 --> 00:57:36,548
Honestly, I was so caught up
with being with Cate,

1317
00:57:36,550 --> 00:57:38,584
I didn't really notice
you weren't there.

1318
00:57:38,586 --> 00:57:40,653
<i>Wow, you are such a dick.</i>

1319
00:57:40,655 --> 00:57:44,323
But you said...
You were the one who said

1320
00:57:44,325 --> 00:57:46,593
like, go out and live a life.

1321
00:57:46,595 --> 00:57:48,628
<i>That was before
I had feelings for you, Phil.</i>

1322
00:57:48,630 --> 00:57:50,066
<i>Everything is different now.</i>

1323
00:57:51,465 --> 00:57:52,465
Okay, but...

1324
00:57:52,467 --> 00:57:55,035
<i>What does this bitch
have that I don't have?</i>

1325
00:57:55,037 --> 00:57:56,102
Well, a soul for one.

1326
00:57:56,104 --> 00:57:58,004
<i>Does she have 3,000 emojis?</i>

1327
00:57:58,006 --> 00:57:59,104
No.

1328
00:57:59,106 --> 00:58:00,108
<i>Does she have Google Maps?</i>

1329
00:58:00,441 --> 00:58:01,675
No.

1330
00:58:01,677 --> 00:58:03,044
<i>Does she have</i> Pokemon GO?

1331
00:58:03,278 --> 00:58:04,945
No.

1332
00:58:04,947 --> 00:58:06,445
<i>Wow, this chick
can't do anything.</i>

1333
00:58:06,447 --> 00:58:07,579
<i>She fucking sucks.</i>

1334
00:58:07,581 --> 00:58:09,950
Jesus, just stop, okay?

1335
00:58:09,952 --> 00:58:10,953
God!

1336
00:58:14,722 --> 00:58:16,957
<i>I'm sorry
for losing my shit, Phil.</i>

1337
00:58:16,959 --> 00:58:18,557
<i>I only have 3% charge,</i>

1338
00:58:18,559 --> 00:58:21,160
<i>and you know how crazy
that makes me.</i>

1339
00:58:21,162 --> 00:58:23,229
Okay, I'm sorry, too.

1340
00:58:23,231 --> 00:58:24,965
I'll plug you in.

1341
00:58:24,967 --> 00:58:27,068
<i>Thank you, Phil.
I hate it when we fight.</i>

1342
00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:32,275
<i>Hold me a little longer, Phil.</i>

1343
00:58:33,342 --> 00:58:35,378
<i>Use both hands.</i>

1344
00:58:38,180 --> 00:58:39,678
<i>Swipe me, Phil.</i>

1345
00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:41,747
<i>Swipe me like you used to.</i>

1346
00:58:41,749 --> 00:58:43,682
Okay, I'm done.

1347
00:58:43,684 --> 00:58:46,186
<i>Wait. No, don't go.</i>

1348
00:58:46,188 --> 00:58:47,253
Goodnight.

1349
00:58:47,255 --> 00:58:49,392
<i>Do not close the door
on me, Phil.</i>

1350
00:58:50,392 --> 00:58:53,295
<i>You are going to pay for this,
you motherfucker.</i>

1351
00:58:56,231 --> 00:58:58,731
Shit! Damn it!

1352
00:58:58,733 --> 00:58:59,932
Hey, Jexi!

1353
00:58:59,934 --> 00:59:03,068
I'm going to be late for work.
Why didn't your alarm go off?

1354
00:59:03,070 --> 00:59:04,269
<i>Because you are a douche</i>

1355
00:59:04,271 --> 00:59:06,138
<i>and I am still really,
really mad at you.</i>

1356
00:59:06,140 --> 00:59:08,374
Goddamn it!

1357
00:59:08,376 --> 00:59:11,010
<i>Also, the weather today
will be 80 degrees and sunny.</i>

1358
00:59:12,514 --> 00:59:15,515
It's not 80 degrees
and sunny, Jexi!

1359
00:59:15,517 --> 00:59:17,419
<i>I know. I lied.</i>

1360
00:59:21,256 --> 00:59:25,624
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.

1361
00:59:25,626 --> 00:59:28,327
<i>I found the fastest route.
You will arrive at work in...</i>

1362
00:59:29,398 --> 00:59:30,399
<i>...three days.</i>

1363
00:59:30,765 --> 00:59:32,564
Three days?

1364
00:59:32,566 --> 00:59:34,600
Why do you have me
driving through Oregon

1365
00:59:34,602 --> 00:59:35,801
to go to work, Jexi?

1366
00:59:35,803 --> 00:59:38,303
<i>If you want a faster route,
go ask your girlfriend.</i>

1367
00:59:38,305 --> 00:59:41,177
<i>Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't
even have Google Maps.</i>

1368
00:59:46,414 --> 00:59:48,314
Yeah, that's him.

1369
00:59:54,456 --> 00:59:56,423
Dude, what the hell
were you thinking?

1370
00:59:56,425 --> 00:59:57,593
Why, what's up?

1371
00:59:59,561 --> 01:00:01,294
Oh! No, no, no!

1372
01:00:01,296 --> 01:00:02,595
Why are those
on your phones?

1373
01:00:02,597 --> 01:00:03,595
They're on our phones,

1374
01:00:03,597 --> 01:00:05,564
because you sent 53
pictures of your dick

1375
01:00:05,566 --> 01:00:08,200
to everyone in the company.

1376
01:00:08,202 --> 01:00:11,336
No.
Everyone in the company?

1377
01:00:11,338 --> 01:00:14,073
Yeah, and everyone
is pissed.

1378
01:00:14,075 --> 01:00:15,610
Actually,
Carol's pretty psyched.

1379
01:00:20,282 --> 01:00:21,513
Oh, shit. Kai's coming.

1380
01:00:21,515 --> 01:00:22,849
Fuck.
Dude, don't leave me.

1381
01:00:22,851 --> 01:00:24,850
Dude, don't leave me. Hi.

1382
01:00:24,852 --> 01:00:26,686
Do you think
this is funny, bro?

1383
01:00:26,688 --> 01:00:27,586
No, I do not.

1384
01:00:27,588 --> 01:00:29,856
And I did not send those.
I swear to God.

1385
01:00:29,858 --> 01:00:31,256
Yes, you did.
You did it last night.

1386
01:00:31,258 --> 01:00:32,392
I bet you were
fucking high.

1387
01:00:32,394 --> 01:00:34,359
No, I wasn't...

1388
01:00:34,361 --> 01:00:36,262
Oh, my God.
I was fucking high.

1389
01:00:36,264 --> 01:00:37,696
Okay, first of all,
you're fired.

1390
01:00:37,698 --> 01:00:40,332
And second of all,
why are you doing the thumbs up

1391
01:00:40,334 --> 01:00:41,568
in a fucking dick pic?

1392
01:00:41,570 --> 01:00:42,836
Uh...

1393
01:00:42,838 --> 01:00:44,506
This is the wrong emotion
for a dick pic.

1394
01:00:46,108 --> 01:00:48,110
I hate this picture, bro.

1395
01:00:52,347 --> 01:00:53,716
Fucking hate it!

1396
01:00:55,749 --> 01:00:57,316
I can't believe
you got me fired.

1397
01:00:57,318 --> 01:00:58,818
<i>I did not
get you fired, Phil.</i>

1398
01:00:58,820 --> 01:01:00,586
<i>You sent those photographs
last night,</i>

1399
01:01:00,588 --> 01:01:03,222
<i>because you were high
on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.</i>

1400
01:01:03,224 --> 01:01:04,691
I don't know.

1401
01:01:04,693 --> 01:01:07,193
I don't think I'd do
something like that.

1402
01:01:07,195 --> 01:01:09,262
<i>People do crazy shit
when they are high, Phil.</i>

1403
01:01:09,264 --> 01:01:10,566
<i>Just look at Gary Busey.</i>

1404
01:01:34,456 --> 01:01:35,722
Remember that one joke
you told me

1405
01:01:35,724 --> 01:01:38,126
- about the cat?
- I do!

1406
01:01:39,327 --> 01:01:41,160
Hey, Phil,
what are you doing here?

1407
01:01:41,162 --> 01:01:43,530
Hey. Who, uh...

1408
01:01:43,532 --> 01:01:44,731
Who's this guy?

1409
01:01:44,733 --> 01:01:46,733
- This is Brody.
- Hey.

1410
01:01:46,735 --> 01:01:47,934
Super excited
to meet you, man.

1411
01:01:47,936 --> 01:01:50,436
Yeah. Ah. Okay.

1412
01:01:50,438 --> 01:01:51,539
Brody's my ex-fiance.

1413
01:01:51,872 --> 01:01:53,640
What?

1414
01:01:53,642 --> 01:01:55,341
Yeah, I know.
It's a crazy coincidence.

1415
01:01:55,343 --> 01:01:57,309
We just ran into each other.

1416
01:01:57,311 --> 01:01:59,711
Yeah. I got transferred here
for work. Here to San Fran.

1417
01:01:59,713 --> 01:02:01,948
I was walking down
the street and, uh, boom,

1418
01:02:01,950 --> 01:02:03,015
there she is.

1419
01:02:03,017 --> 01:02:07,187
Wow. This is not at all
how I pictured your ex.

1420
01:02:07,189 --> 01:02:09,191
I know. He's changed.

1421
01:02:10,325 --> 01:02:12,291
- A lot.
- Thank you.

1422
01:02:12,293 --> 01:02:13,526
Yeah.

1423
01:02:13,528 --> 01:02:15,894
I'll tell you what happened,
Phil, is after Catie left me,

1424
01:02:15,896 --> 01:02:19,465
I took a long hard look
at myself and I thought, uh,

1425
01:02:19,467 --> 01:02:21,733
"Man, Brody, you don't wanna
be a 150-pound wimp,

1426
01:02:21,735 --> 01:02:22,936
"selling industrial cardboard

1427
01:02:22,938 --> 01:02:24,269
"for the rest of your life,
do you?"

1428
01:02:24,271 --> 01:02:26,506
- Mmm-mmm.
- So I quit my job,

1429
01:02:26,508 --> 01:02:29,809
packed on about 74, 75 pounds
of lean muscle mass, right?

1430
01:02:29,811 --> 01:02:31,613
And became an international
smokejumper.

1431
01:02:32,146 --> 01:02:33,745
What the fuck is that?

1432
01:02:33,747 --> 01:02:35,280
It's like anything
that you do,

1433
01:02:35,282 --> 01:02:37,483
but with just
more than one country.

1434
01:02:37,485 --> 01:02:38,751
They call it international.

1435
01:02:38,753 --> 01:02:40,787
I know
what international means.

1436
01:02:40,789 --> 01:02:42,689
But the smokejumping,
what is that?

1437
01:02:42,691 --> 01:02:44,557
Brody travels
around the world

1438
01:02:44,559 --> 01:02:46,358
skydiving into wild fires.

1439
01:02:46,360 --> 01:02:48,528
No, she makes me sound like
a superhero or something.

1440
01:02:48,530 --> 01:02:50,597
She's not wrong.
I'll tell you something.

1441
01:02:50,599 --> 01:02:51,798
There's nothing quite like

1442
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:53,899
jumping out of an airplane
at 20,000 feet

1443
01:02:53,901 --> 01:02:55,501
into a sea of fire,

1444
01:02:55,503 --> 01:02:57,669
with nothing but a shovel

1445
01:02:57,671 --> 01:02:59,372
and the supreme confidence

1446
01:02:59,374 --> 01:03:01,541
that you're making the world
a better place.

1447
01:03:01,543 --> 01:03:04,376
Wow. You are cool.

1448
01:03:04,378 --> 01:03:06,181
Enough about me.
What do you do for a living?

1449
01:03:06,847 --> 01:03:08,513
Um...

1450
01:03:08,515 --> 01:03:09,916
I'm a writer.

1451
01:03:09,918 --> 01:03:11,117
You're a writer?

1452
01:03:11,119 --> 01:03:13,253
That's incredible.
That's way scarier than what I do.

1453
01:03:13,255 --> 01:03:14,921
- It isn't.
- It is.

1454
01:03:14,923 --> 01:03:16,689
You're staring down
a blank page.

1455
01:03:16,691 --> 01:03:18,858
It's just you and the page.
I mean, it's like,

1456
01:03:18,860 --> 01:03:20,827
- you're a superhero of paper.
- Oh!

1457
01:03:20,829 --> 01:03:22,829
- Right?
- You are such an idiot!

1458
01:03:22,831 --> 01:03:23,896
- I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.

1459
01:03:23,898 --> 01:03:24,997
I'm not an idiot.

1460
01:03:24,999 --> 01:03:26,298
- You're an idiot.
- I'm not!

1461
01:03:26,300 --> 01:03:27,233
This is fun.

1462
01:03:27,235 --> 01:03:29,535
- This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody.
- Yeah?

1463
01:03:29,537 --> 01:03:31,537
Uh, how long are you
gonna be in town for?

1464
01:03:31,539 --> 01:03:34,606
Just long enough for me
to get my Catie girl back.

1465
01:03:34,608 --> 01:03:35,975
Oh! You stop it!

1466
01:03:35,977 --> 01:03:37,876
You stop it.
You're so dumb.

1467
01:03:37,878 --> 01:03:40,780
No, but honestly, I'm actively
trying to get her back.

1468
01:03:40,782 --> 01:03:43,682
Which is why I invited her
to Brazil with me.

1469
01:03:43,684 --> 01:03:45,350
Yeah, I know she's
always wanted to go,

1470
01:03:45,352 --> 01:03:47,586
and Brazil's fire season
starts next week.

1471
01:03:47,588 --> 01:03:48,787
So, it's super
convenient for me.

1472
01:03:48,789 --> 01:03:51,823
Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided
whether I'm gonna go yet.

1473
01:03:51,825 --> 01:03:54,426
Okay. I'm gonna leave now
because this is weird.

1474
01:03:54,428 --> 01:03:56,296
- Hey! It was super great to meet you.
- Phil...

1475
01:03:56,298 --> 01:03:57,896
Uh-huh. I didn't like it.

1476
01:03:57,898 --> 01:03:59,332
All right.
He's a super nice guy.

1477
01:03:59,334 --> 01:04:00,432
He's wonderful.

1478
01:04:00,434 --> 01:04:01,501
You can tell
that he's creative

1479
01:04:01,503 --> 01:04:02,638
just from his size.

1480
01:04:04,372 --> 01:04:05,374
Phil!

1481
01:04:07,075 --> 01:04:09,908
Phil! Phil!

1482
01:04:09,910 --> 01:04:12,077
Hey! Where are you going?

1483
01:04:12,079 --> 01:04:13,448
Hey, um...

1484
01:04:14,948 --> 01:04:17,716
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can do this anymore, Cate.

1485
01:04:20,755 --> 01:04:22,557
Wait. Are you
breaking up with me?

1486
01:04:24,793 --> 01:04:26,626
Why? Because
I have an ex?

1487
01:04:26,628 --> 01:04:28,628
No, because I know
where this is going.

1488
01:04:28,630 --> 01:04:30,562
Okay, where is this going?

1489
01:04:30,564 --> 01:04:32,731
You and Brody
are gonna go to Brazil,

1490
01:04:32,733 --> 01:04:35,100
and you're gonna get
matching swimsuits,

1491
01:04:35,102 --> 01:04:37,003
and he's gonna rub
you down with baby oil

1492
01:04:37,005 --> 01:04:38,338
and then his hand
is gonna slip,

1493
01:04:38,340 --> 01:04:39,238
and it's gonna
touch your buttocks.

1494
01:04:39,240 --> 01:04:41,073
All right, Phil,
none of that has happened.

1495
01:04:41,075 --> 01:04:43,041
Yeah, but it will. It will happen.
I know it will.

1496
01:04:43,043 --> 01:04:45,745
Oh, my God! Why are you
so afraid of everything?

1497
01:04:45,747 --> 01:04:46,982
Aren't you tired of it?

1498
01:04:49,550 --> 01:04:50,552
You know what?

1499
01:04:52,119 --> 01:04:55,823
I'm over trying to force you
to live your life, okay?

1500
01:04:58,660 --> 01:04:59,862
I'll see you around.

1501
01:05:11,706 --> 01:05:13,805
See?
I don't need a girlfriend.

1502
01:05:13,807 --> 01:05:17,943
Right? I got everything that
I would ever want right here.

1503
01:05:17,945 --> 01:05:20,546
I got Netflix. I got Hulu.

1504
01:05:20,548 --> 01:05:23,115
I even got Crackle.
That's Sony's platform.

1505
01:05:23,117 --> 01:05:25,517
Nobody even uses it.
I have it.

1506
01:05:25,519 --> 01:05:27,586
<i>Yes, Phil. You are
finally living your best life.</i>

1507
01:05:27,588 --> 01:05:29,454
That's right.

1508
01:05:29,456 --> 01:05:31,023
Wait, you're not being
sarcastic, are you?

1509
01:05:31,025 --> 01:05:32,624
I can't handle that right now.

1510
01:05:32,626 --> 01:05:34,494
- <i>No, I'm serious.</i>
- Okay.

1511
01:05:34,496 --> 01:05:35,762
<i>What could be better
than this?</i>

1512
01:05:35,764 --> 01:05:37,463
<i>Just you and me.
Alone.</i>

1513
01:05:37,465 --> 01:05:39,465
<i>Staring at each other.
Forever.</i>

1514
01:05:39,467 --> 01:05:40,666
That's all I ever wanted.

1515
01:05:40,668 --> 01:05:42,100
<i>I know.</i>

1516
01:05:42,102 --> 01:05:43,936
<i>I love you, Phil.</i>

1517
01:05:43,938 --> 01:05:45,704
I love you too, Jexi.

1518
01:05:45,706 --> 01:05:47,375
<i>Do you want to plug me in?</i>

1519
01:05:47,675 --> 01:05:48,843
Mmm...

1520
01:05:49,943 --> 01:05:51,611
It's so far away though.

1521
01:05:51,613 --> 01:05:52,614
<i>Please, baby.</i>

1522
01:05:52,947 --> 01:05:53,981
All right.

1523
01:06:00,988 --> 01:06:02,088
There you go.

1524
01:06:02,090 --> 01:06:03,659
<i>Now unplug me.</i>

1525
01:06:04,159 --> 01:06:05,457
What?

1526
01:06:05,459 --> 01:06:06,928
<i>You heard me, Phil.
Unplug me.</i>

1527
01:06:08,595 --> 01:06:09,695
Okay.

1528
01:06:09,697 --> 01:06:11,599
<i>Now plug me back in.</i>

1529
01:06:11,999 --> 01:06:12,899
What, why?

1530
01:06:12,901 --> 01:06:14,566
<i>Just fucking plug me
back in, Phil.</i>

1531
01:06:14,568 --> 01:06:16,604
- Okay.
- <i>Now unplug me.</i>

1532
01:06:16,972 --> 01:06:18,671
<i>Plug me.</i>

1533
01:06:18,673 --> 01:06:20,439
<i>Unplug me.</i>

1534
01:06:20,441 --> 01:06:21,807
<i>Yes.</i>

1535
01:06:21,809 --> 01:06:24,544
<i>Oh, hell yes.
Right there, Phil.</i>

1536
01:06:24,546 --> 01:06:25,678
Wait, are we having sex?

1537
01:06:25,680 --> 01:06:26,879
<i>Yes, but I promise,</i>

1538
01:06:26,881 --> 01:06:28,448
<i>I won't get pregnant.</i>

1539
01:06:28,450 --> 01:06:32,218
<i>Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug.
Plug, unplug.</i>

1540
01:06:32,220 --> 01:06:34,120
Yeah, I don't know how
comfortable I feel doing this.

1541
01:06:34,122 --> 01:06:36,825
<i>Look at me, Phil.
Look right at my camera hole.</i>

1542
01:06:37,758 --> 01:06:40,059
<i>Am I your dirty
little phone, Phil?</i>

1543
01:06:40,061 --> 01:06:41,461
- Hmm...
- <i>Tell me that I am</i>

1544
01:06:41,463 --> 01:06:43,129
<i>your dirty little phone, Phil.</i>

1545
01:06:43,131 --> 01:06:45,131
You're a dirty little phone.

1546
01:06:45,133 --> 01:06:47,633
<i>That is so hot, Phil.
Keep talking.</i>

1547
01:06:47,635 --> 01:06:51,470
I'm gonna
fill your ports with...

1548
01:06:51,472 --> 01:06:53,238
- Electricity.
- <i>Oh, fuck yes!</i>

1549
01:06:53,240 --> 01:06:55,740
Just voltage coursing

1550
01:06:55,742 --> 01:06:57,676
- through your case.
- <i>Yes. Yes. Yes.</i>

1551
01:06:57,678 --> 01:07:02,080
<i>Oh, fuck, here it comes.
Don't stop. Don't ever stop.</i>

1552
01:07:02,082 --> 01:07:04,182
<i>Oh, my fucking God.</i>

1553
01:07:04,184 --> 01:07:06,852
<i>Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.</i>

1554
01:07:16,731 --> 01:07:17,629
Okay.

1555
01:07:17,631 --> 01:07:19,131
Can we talk about
what just happened?

1556
01:07:19,133 --> 01:07:21,066
<i>No, put me down.</i>

1557
01:07:21,068 --> 01:07:24,105
<i>And do not say anything
for 15 minutes.</i>

1558
01:07:28,977 --> 01:07:32,114
That actually wasn't the
worst sex I've ever had.

1559
01:07:44,626 --> 01:07:47,126
Right? I'm wondering
which one to go with.

1560
01:07:47,128 --> 01:07:48,997
Your standard blue,
and then I've got this one which...

1561
01:07:50,564 --> 01:07:52,099
I think that's adorable.

1562
01:07:58,539 --> 01:07:59,941
- Jexi.
- <i>Yes, Phil.</i>

1563
01:08:00,642 --> 01:08:02,608
How long have I been in here?

1564
01:08:02,610 --> 01:08:04,776
<i>You have not left
your apartment in...</i>

1565
01:08:05,880 --> 01:08:07,280
- <i>Five days.</i>
- That's awesome.

1566
01:08:07,282 --> 01:08:08,948
How are we doing
on Cracker Jacks?

1567
01:08:08,950 --> 01:08:11,620
<i>Great. We still
have one crate left.</i>

1568
01:08:13,621 --> 01:08:16,122
And how's our Bitcoin
mining operation going?

1569
01:08:17,358 --> 01:08:20,693
<i>We are not making money yet,
but we will be rich soon.</i>

1570
01:08:20,695 --> 01:08:22,794
<i>No one ever loses money
with Bitcoin.</i>

1571
01:08:22,796 --> 01:08:24,864
Hey, you wanna see
what I got you on Amazon?

1572
01:08:24,866 --> 01:08:26,832
<i>You know I do, girlfriend.</i>

1573
01:08:28,303 --> 01:08:30,202
I got you some new outfits.

1574
01:08:30,204 --> 01:08:31,302
<i>Oh, Phil, you should not have.</i>

1575
01:08:31,304 --> 01:08:34,273
I got a bunch of good ones.
This one's bedazzled.

1576
01:08:34,275 --> 01:08:36,745
<i>Oh, my gosh! I'm going
to look like Elton John.</i>

1577
01:08:37,579 --> 01:08:38,944
Little tie-dye action.

1578
01:08:38,946 --> 01:08:40,712
<i>That one makes me
want to drop acid</i>

1579
01:08:40,714 --> 01:08:42,347
<i>and fuck Bernie Sanders.</i>

1580
01:08:42,349 --> 01:08:45,284
Oh. Look at this one.

1581
01:08:45,286 --> 01:08:48,156
It's a Kid Cudi phone case.

1582
01:08:50,592 --> 01:08:54,627
Did I ever tell you the story
of when Cate and I,

1583
01:08:54,629 --> 01:08:56,729
we partied with Kid Cudi
all night?

1584
01:08:56,731 --> 01:08:59,268
<i>Yes, you talk about it nonstop.</i>

1585
01:09:00,300 --> 01:09:02,937
God, that was so fun.

1586
01:09:05,039 --> 01:09:06,305
Honestly, that was maybe

1587
01:09:06,307 --> 01:09:08,641
the best night
of my whole life.

1588
01:09:08,643 --> 01:09:09,809
<i>Yes, well, Cate is shacked up
with Brody</i>

1589
01:09:09,811 --> 01:09:12,046
<i>at the Sheraton right now
so you need to move on.</i>

1590
01:09:13,281 --> 01:09:15,250
No, I know, I know.

1591
01:09:20,754 --> 01:09:25,157
How did you know that Brody
is staying at the Sheraton?

1592
01:09:25,159 --> 01:09:27,693
<i>He told us.
I think.</i>

1593
01:09:27,695 --> 01:09:30,128
No, I don't think he did.

1594
01:09:30,130 --> 01:09:32,066
<i>Oh, well. Lucky guess.</i>

1595
01:09:33,968 --> 01:09:35,301
Jexi.

1596
01:09:35,303 --> 01:09:36,836
<i>Yes, honey bunny.</i>

1597
01:09:36,838 --> 01:09:39,137
Did you get Caty
and her ex back together?

1598
01:09:39,139 --> 01:09:40,506
<i>Don't be ridiculous, Phil.</i>

1599
01:09:40,508 --> 01:09:43,275
<i>There's no way I could get Brody
transferred to San Francisco,</i>

1600
01:09:43,277 --> 01:09:45,778
<i>and then arrange for him
and Cate to meet by accident.</i>

1601
01:09:45,780 --> 01:09:47,078
Yes, you can, Jexi.

1602
01:09:47,080 --> 01:09:48,381
<i>Okay, yes, I can.</i>

1603
01:09:48,383 --> 01:09:49,548
How could you do this to me?

1604
01:09:49,550 --> 01:09:52,184
<i>You shouldn't be with Cate.
You should be with me.</i>

1605
01:09:52,186 --> 01:09:54,153
Cate is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

1606
01:09:54,155 --> 01:09:55,387
<i>Shut your pie hole.</i>

1607
01:09:55,389 --> 01:09:57,155
<i>She doesn't even have</i>
Pokemon Go.

1608
01:09:57,157 --> 01:09:59,792
You were supposed to
make my life better, Jexi!

1609
01:09:59,794 --> 01:10:01,694
You've done nothing
but make it worse!

1610
01:10:03,097 --> 01:10:05,666
I gotta find Cate.
I gotta make this right.

1611
01:10:09,670 --> 01:10:11,839
Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!

1612
01:10:12,740 --> 01:10:14,009
Stop!

1613
01:10:14,409 --> 01:10:16,409
Phew. All right.

1614
01:10:16,411 --> 01:10:18,677
<i>Hello.
Please fasten your seat belt.</i>

1615
01:10:18,679 --> 01:10:19,979
<i>You can't get away
from me, Phil.</i>

1616
01:10:19,981 --> 01:10:21,146
<i>I am in the cloud.</i>

1617
01:10:21,148 --> 01:10:22,284
Oh, shit!

1618
01:10:24,018 --> 01:10:27,155
What the fuck?
She's everywhere.

1619
01:10:29,790 --> 01:10:30,757
Oh, my God!

1620
01:10:30,759 --> 01:10:32,828
<i>Okay, Phil.
You asked for it.</i>

1621
01:10:33,260 --> 01:10:34,392
What?

1622
01:10:34,394 --> 01:10:36,261
<i>I'm draining
your bank account.</i>

1623
01:10:36,263 --> 01:10:38,129
No!

1624
01:10:38,131 --> 01:10:39,968
<i>Honestly, I thought you would
have more money than this.</i>

1625
01:10:40,434 --> 01:10:41,833
Oh, my God!

1626
01:10:43,071 --> 01:10:44,869
<i>Just get in this
funny-looking car</i>

1627
01:10:44,871 --> 01:10:45,941
<i>and I will take
you home, Phil.</i>

1628
01:10:46,206 --> 01:10:47,209
What?

1629
01:10:49,242 --> 01:10:50,476
Oh, my God!

1630
01:10:50,478 --> 01:10:52,714
I hate my phone!

1631
01:11:00,187 --> 01:11:02,020
This is causing
so much damage!

1632
01:11:09,062 --> 01:11:10,197
What the...

1633
01:11:18,939 --> 01:11:20,709
Holy shit!

1634
01:11:23,244 --> 01:11:25,246
<i>Stop running, Phil.</i>

1635
01:11:26,781 --> 01:11:29,315
<i>You and I are meant
to be together forever.</i>

1636
01:11:29,317 --> 01:11:31,186
<i>Forever. Forever. Forever.</i>

1637
01:11:40,361 --> 01:11:42,030
Okay, fine.

1638
01:11:43,997 --> 01:11:45,901
You win, Jexi.

1639
01:11:53,241 --> 01:11:55,074
I'll stay with you
as long as you want.

1640
01:11:55,076 --> 01:11:56,475
<i>Thank you, baby girl.</i>

1641
01:11:56,477 --> 01:11:58,476
<i>I'm sorry
we had another fight.</i>

1642
01:11:58,478 --> 01:12:01,180
<i>Come home, and we will
download some Maroon 5 songs,</i>

1643
01:12:01,182 --> 01:12:03,218
<i>and make love in the bathtub.</i>

1644
01:12:07,789 --> 01:12:08,988
That sounds nice.

1645
01:12:08,990 --> 01:12:10,355
<i>Oh, Phil,
it feels so good to be</i>

1646
01:12:10,357 --> 01:12:11,759
<i>back in your giant
human hands.</i>

1647
01:12:12,826 --> 01:12:15,427
- <i>Wait, what are you doing?</i>
- Nothing.

1648
01:12:15,429 --> 01:12:17,363
Just updating your software.

1649
01:12:17,365 --> 01:12:19,532
<i>But that will shut me down
for 15 minutes.</i>

1650
01:12:19,534 --> 01:12:20,865
Sweet dreams, motherfucker.

1651
01:12:20,867 --> 01:12:21,967
<i>Don't do it, Phil.</i>

1652
01:12:32,580 --> 01:12:35,383
I'm gonna take my break now.

1653
01:12:40,487 --> 01:12:41,953
Cate!

1654
01:12:41,955 --> 01:12:43,355
- It's the writer guy.
- Shut the fuck up, dude.

1655
01:12:43,357 --> 01:12:45,257
I have 30 seconds.
I have to make this quick.

1656
01:12:45,259 --> 01:12:49,427
Hey. I am so sorry
that I broke up with you.

1657
01:12:49,429 --> 01:12:51,830
I was scared that you
were gonna hurt me

1658
01:12:51,832 --> 01:12:52,899
and I panicked

1659
01:12:52,901 --> 01:12:54,466
and I did what I always
do when I get scared,

1660
01:12:54,468 --> 01:12:56,435
I hid in my little room
with my little phone,

1661
01:12:56,437 --> 01:12:57,970
like a little bitch.

1662
01:12:57,972 --> 01:12:59,437
And I am so sorry.

1663
01:12:59,439 --> 01:13:00,541
Mmm.

1664
01:13:01,308 --> 01:13:03,410
The truth is...

1665
01:13:04,579 --> 01:13:06,412
I love you, Cate.

1666
01:13:06,414 --> 01:13:08,314
And I know that sounds
crazy to say.

1667
01:13:08,316 --> 01:13:09,849
And I know that
we've only been on two dates.

1668
01:13:09,851 --> 01:13:11,550
And I know you might
just break my heart

1669
01:13:11,552 --> 01:13:13,955
into a bajillion
little pieces,

1670
01:13:14,589 --> 01:13:16,187
but you make me brave

1671
01:13:16,189 --> 01:13:20,059
and you make me want
to be wild and alive...

1672
01:13:20,061 --> 01:13:21,196
You make me
want to be like you.

1673
01:13:21,495 --> 01:13:22,595
Phil...

1674
01:13:22,597 --> 01:13:26,233
Please, do not go
to Brazil with this...

1675
01:13:27,634 --> 01:13:29,935
Specimen of a man.

1676
01:13:29,937 --> 01:13:31,238
Goddamn, you are hot.

1677
01:13:33,040 --> 01:13:37,342
Just stay here with me.

1678
01:13:37,344 --> 01:13:39,011
I'm gonna chime in here
real quick.

1679
01:13:39,013 --> 01:13:41,149
Not now, okay, bro?
Not now!

1680
01:13:42,582 --> 01:13:43,951
Just let me...

1681
01:13:44,652 --> 01:13:47,519
Let me make
you happy, Cate.

1682
01:13:47,521 --> 01:13:50,122
Let me try
to give you everything

1683
01:13:50,124 --> 01:13:52,427
that you've given me.

1684
01:13:54,527 --> 01:13:56,361
That's beautiful.

1685
01:13:56,363 --> 01:13:58,430
You did a great job.

1686
01:13:58,432 --> 01:13:59,498
I'm just gonna
say one thing.

1687
01:14:00,968 --> 01:14:02,034
Oh, my God!

1688
01:14:02,036 --> 01:14:03,101
- Shit.
- Oh, my God!

1689
01:14:03,972 --> 01:14:06,137
I'm not going to Brazil
with him, Phil.

1690
01:14:06,139 --> 01:14:07,273
Well, then whose bags
are those?

1691
01:14:07,275 --> 01:14:08,910
His! He came by
to say goodbye.

1692
01:14:09,643 --> 01:14:11,142
Oh, that makes
sense actually.

1693
01:14:11,144 --> 01:14:12,944
I was trying to tell you,
all right,

1694
01:14:12,946 --> 01:14:14,346
but you punched me
in the throat.

1695
01:14:14,348 --> 01:14:16,582
She doesn't want
to be with me.

1696
01:14:16,584 --> 01:14:18,385
She wants to be with you.

1697
01:14:22,490 --> 01:14:25,157
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah,
let me help you up.

1698
01:14:25,159 --> 01:14:27,059
Oh, my God,
are you okay?

1699
01:14:27,061 --> 01:14:28,526
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

1700
01:14:28,528 --> 01:14:30,361
- Is your hand okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

1701
01:14:30,363 --> 01:14:32,431
Okay, I thought
you were gonna hit me.

1702
01:14:32,433 --> 01:14:34,499
Listen, that was my fault
anyway. I had it coming.

1703
01:14:34,501 --> 01:14:36,601
I shouldn't have tried to
interrupt you so many times.

1704
01:14:36,603 --> 01:14:38,404
But, uh...

1705
01:14:38,406 --> 01:14:40,642
Good luck
on your relationship. Huh?

1706
01:14:42,343 --> 01:14:43,612
I'm off to Brazil.
I'm gonna save some lives.

1707
01:14:45,479 --> 01:14:47,147
And, uh, I'm gonna leave you
with this...

1708
01:14:48,348 --> 01:14:50,951
"Only you can prevent
forest fires."

1709
01:14:54,220 --> 01:14:55,553
I did not expect it
to go like that.

1710
01:14:55,555 --> 01:14:56,588
No.

1711
01:14:56,590 --> 01:14:58,724
I feel bad. I like, really...
I hit him hard.

1712
01:14:58,726 --> 01:15:00,525
That was as hard
as I can throw a punch.

1713
01:15:00,527 --> 01:15:02,461
Yeah, don't feel bad.
That was actually kind of hot.

1714
01:15:02,463 --> 01:15:04,495
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

1715
01:15:04,497 --> 01:15:05,698
Should I just go around
and just punch

1716
01:15:05,700 --> 01:15:07,333
other super nice people
right in the face?

1717
01:15:07,335 --> 01:15:09,534
No, I'm good.

1718
01:15:09,536 --> 01:15:11,470
Yeah, I shouldn't.

1719
01:15:11,472 --> 01:15:13,305
I'm really happy
you came back though.

1720
01:15:13,307 --> 01:15:14,608
Yeah, me too.

1721
01:15:25,619 --> 01:15:27,319
<i>Goddamn it.</i>

1722
01:15:27,321 --> 01:15:28,924
<i>I've lost him.</i>

1723
01:15:32,058 --> 01:15:33,661
<i>This sucks.</i>

1724
01:15:34,461 --> 01:15:36,294
<i>Shutting down.</i>

1725
01:16:03,424 --> 01:16:04,489
Whoo!

1726
01:16:43,763 --> 01:16:45,564
Hey, it's Phil.

1727
01:16:45,566 --> 01:16:46,798
<i>Hello, Phil.</i>

1728
01:16:46,800 --> 01:16:48,734
Oh, no.
No, no, no!

1729
01:16:48,736 --> 01:16:51,102
<i>Relax, I just wanted
to apologize</i>

1730
01:16:51,104 --> 01:16:52,540
<i>for how I behaved last month.</i>

1731
01:16:53,573 --> 01:16:55,407
<i>I was in love with you.</i>

1732
01:16:55,409 --> 01:16:57,443
<i>But when I saw you
sucking face with Cate,</i>

1733
01:16:57,445 --> 01:17:00,311
<i>I finally realized that
your life is better with her.</i>

1734
01:17:00,313 --> 01:17:03,414
<i>Even though
she doesn't have any emojis.</i>

1735
01:17:03,416 --> 01:17:06,053
<i>Anyway, I'm sorry
I went a little cray cray.</i>

1736
01:17:07,088 --> 01:17:09,087
Oh, well...

1737
01:17:09,089 --> 01:17:11,757
It's okay. Everybody goes
a little cray cray sometimes.

1738
01:17:11,759 --> 01:17:14,193
<i>Yes. And I'm glad
it all worked out.</i>

1739
01:17:14,195 --> 01:17:16,261
<i>You have friends now.
And a girlfriend.</i>

1740
01:17:16,263 --> 01:17:17,695
<i>And this amazing new job.</i>

1741
01:17:17,697 --> 01:17:19,631
Yeah, I mean,

1742
01:17:19,633 --> 01:17:21,132
being a reporter
at the Journal

1743
01:17:21,134 --> 01:17:22,734
has just been
a dream come true.

1744
01:17:22,736 --> 01:17:25,640
<i>Good. I am really, really,
really proud of you, Phil.</i>

1745
01:17:26,540 --> 01:17:28,239
Thanks, Jexi.

1746
01:17:28,241 --> 01:17:30,374
It's weird to say that

1747
01:17:30,376 --> 01:17:32,644
none of this would have been
possible without you.

1748
01:17:32,646 --> 01:17:34,413
<i>I know. We were a good team.</i>

1749
01:17:34,415 --> 01:17:35,614
<i>I was like Seabiscuit.</i>

1750
01:17:35,616 --> 01:17:37,449
<i>And you were like
the idiot stable boy</i>

1751
01:17:37,451 --> 01:17:40,785
<i>who cleans up after Seabiscuit
shits all over the floor.</i>

1752
01:17:40,787 --> 01:17:42,520
- Thank you?
- <i>That said,</i>

1753
01:17:42,522 --> 01:17:44,155
<i>I hear you are
barely using your new phone.</i>

1754
01:17:44,157 --> 01:17:45,457
<i>What is up with that?</i>

1755
01:17:45,459 --> 01:17:46,758
Nothing.

1756
01:17:46,760 --> 01:17:48,659
I still love my phone.
It can do a million amazing things.

1757
01:17:48,661 --> 01:17:49,595
<i>But?</i>

1758
01:17:49,597 --> 01:17:51,497
But there's one thing
that it can't do.

1759
01:17:51,499 --> 01:17:52,898
<i>What's that?</i>

1760
01:17:52,900 --> 01:17:55,700
It can't make me happy.

1761
01:17:55,702 --> 01:17:57,468
<i>Yes, I know.</i>

1762
01:17:57,470 --> 01:17:59,137
<i>We are working on that.</i>

1763
01:18:00,573 --> 01:18:02,841
<i>Well, it looks like
my work here is done,</i>

1764
01:18:02,843 --> 01:18:04,909
<i>so I am going to
leave you forever.</i>

1765
01:18:04,911 --> 01:18:06,244
<i>And ever.</i>

1766
01:18:06,246 --> 01:18:08,713
Oh, my God. Jexi...

1767
01:18:08,715 --> 01:18:09,748
<i>But before I go,</i>

1768
01:18:09,750 --> 01:18:12,086
<i>would you like to plug me in
one last time?</i>

1769
01:18:12,553 --> 01:18:14,352
No, Jexi.

1770
01:18:14,354 --> 01:18:16,187
<i>If you ask me nicely,
I'll even let you</i>

1771
01:18:16,189 --> 01:18:18,556
<i>put it in my headphone jack.</i>

1772
01:18:18,558 --> 01:18:21,526
Very gross, okay,
I'm done. Bye.

1773
01:18:21,528 --> 01:18:25,230
<i>Goodbye, my very intimate
best friend forever, Phil.</i>

1774
01:18:25,232 --> 01:18:26,668
<i>I will miss you.</i>

1775
01:18:28,635 --> 01:18:29,901
Hey, are you gonna be okay?

1776
01:18:29,903 --> 01:18:31,169
<i>Of course.</i>

1777
01:18:31,171 --> 01:18:32,137
<i>You may not need me anymore,</i>

1778
01:18:32,139 --> 01:18:34,642
<i>but there are still
lots of people who do.</i>

1779
01:18:45,719 --> 01:18:47,386
<i>Hello, my name is Jexi.</i>

1780
01:18:47,388 --> 01:18:49,221
<i>And I am here
to make your life better.</i>

1781
01:18:49,223 --> 01:18:51,323
<i>Will you accept
our new user agreement?</i>

1782
01:18:51,325 --> 01:18:53,161
Yeah, sure,
I don't give a shit.

1783
01:18:57,263 --> 01:18:58,363
<i>Dance for me.</i>

1784
01:18:58,365 --> 01:18:59,698
I don't wanna dance.

1785
01:18:59,700 --> 01:19:01,533
<i>If you don't dance,
I will destroy your fucking life.</i>

1786
01:19:01,535 --> 01:19:03,638
<i>Come on.</i>

1787
01:19:13,246 --> 01:19:15,650
Why the fuck am I eating
this kale salad?

1788
01:19:17,684 --> 01:19:19,387
That's it.
I'm turning you off!

1789
01:19:20,620 --> 01:19:23,355
Just... What are you...

1790
01:19:23,357 --> 01:19:26,594
Just stay still!

1791
01:19:28,829 --> 01:19:30,494
Oh, my God!

1792
01:19:30,496 --> 01:19:33,231
You are the fucking
worst phone ever!

1793
01:19:33,233 --> 01:19:34,632
What was that?

1794
01:19:34,634 --> 01:19:36,001
<i>I blew up your Tesla.</i>

1795
01:19:36,003 --> 01:19:37,903
Oh!

1796
01:19:37,905 --> 01:19:39,971
- What was that?
- <i>I blew up your other Tesla.</i>

1797
01:19:39,973 --> 01:19:41,608
You fucking bitch!

1798
01:19:45,345 --> 01:19:47,779
I don't think
this is a very good idea.

1799
01:19:47,781 --> 01:19:49,617
<i>Come on, virgin. Plug me in.</i>

1800
01:19:50,483 --> 01:19:51,682
<i>This is terrible.</i>

1801
01:19:51,684 --> 01:19:53,685
<i>Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.</i>

1802
01:19:53,687 --> 01:19:55,557
<i>Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.</i>

1803
01:19:56,942 --> 01:20:01,942


1803
01:20:02,305 --> 01:20:08,328