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[theme song]

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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

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We've been pacing like this for three hours now.

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If we don't come up with a sketch idea in about

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five minutes, let's go home.

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Good idea.

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Wait, I got it.

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What?

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Well, Alan thinks he's going crazy.

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He's sitting home and he keeps hearing a train.

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He looks all over, he can't see it.

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All of a sudden, his wife opens the door

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and in comes the train right into the living room.

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The bedroom?

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The bathroom?

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Hey, the whole city of New York breaks out in a rash.

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Good, good.

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And everybody starts to itch.

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Good.

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And Alan plays the doctor who comes up with a solution.

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He gets an airplane and--

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and he sprays the whole city with calamine lotion.

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Hold it, hold it.

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Listen to this.

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Listen to this.

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(SINGING) You took the part.

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I got one, so wasn't my heart.

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So why not-- why not take all of me?

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I just felt like singing.

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All right, all right.

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Lunchtime, lunchtime.

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What kind of lunchtime?

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It's 4:30.

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Dinnertime, dinnertime.

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You're a little late.

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I only got two hands.

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Here's your pastrami, just the way you like it.

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Not too fat, not to lean, mustard on the bottom, mustard

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on the top. - Willy.

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- Piece of lettuce-- - Willy.

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--just a small--

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Hold the commercial, will you?

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Look, you guys, we gotta come up with something that's surefire.

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Like what?

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Well, suppose that it's Alan's poker night--

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Yeah.

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--and his wife is also having a dinner party.

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Good.

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And the problem is to call her and convince

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her he has to work late.

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That's right.

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Yeah, but she wouldn't believe him because he's a bad liar.

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That's right.

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Somebody else has to call her, but who?

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Why don't he ask his boss and have him call?

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Got to be a complete stranger, somebody

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his wife doesn't even know.

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No, he could call himself and say his car broke down.

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No, I don't like that.

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Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't see why

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his boss can't call for him.

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Hey, we gotta get a new delicatessen.

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What's the matter?

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You haven't come up with a fresh idea in months.

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I only got two hands.

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Yeah, and you only got two feet.

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Why don't you use them? Get out of here.

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Now listen to me.

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Oh, leave him alone.

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[chuckles] I like her.

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Hey, I think I got the way we can do it.

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What?

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Alan, himself, calls his wife, but he

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just disguises his voice.

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Oh, come on, Rob.

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You couldn't tell me a wife wouldn't recognize

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her own husband's voice.

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Well, if he disguises it well enough,

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maybe he uses an accent or something.

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Oh, Rob, you're wrong.

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He's right.

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Hey, where'd he go?

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He's right.

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A guy can disguise his voice.

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Did you ever hear Lon Chaney, "The Man

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with the 1,000 Voices"?

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It was "A Man with a Thousand Faces".

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Eh, faces, voices, what's the difference?

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You guys are two particular, that's why your show stinks.

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Get outta here!

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I still say a guy could disguise

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his voice well enough that his wife wouldn't recognize him.

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And I say you're wrong and I'll prove it to you.

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Come with me.

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I'll call my wife.

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Guarantee she'll recognize it's my voice in one second.

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All right, but you gotta try and make it real now.

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I'll make it real, don't worry.

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I wanna get out of here too.

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(GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, guten tag, meine fraulein.

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(COMIC ACCENT) Is this the lady of the house?

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Stop screaming.

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How did I know you were taking a bath?

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You see?

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Yeah, he's right.

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It won't work.

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Well, no, not with that hokey, comic accent that he's using.

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You gotta make it a little bit subtle, make it sound real.

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Let me in there.

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- All right, be my guest. - Let me show you want I mean.

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You're gonna call Laura?

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Yeah, I'm gonna call Laura.

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I guarantee you, as well as she knows me and knows my voice,

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I'll fool her.

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Hello.

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, uh, Dr. Rossano, please.

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Who did you want?

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) Dr. Rossano.

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This is Dr. Bonnelli.

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Well, I'm afraid you have the wrong number.

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There's no Dr. Rossano here.

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, this is not New Rochelle Hospital?

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No, it isn't, but, uh, I could look it up for you.

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) Well, if it is not too much trouble.

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Not at all, doctor.

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I'm not doing anything.

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Oh, dolce far niente.

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Dolce far niente?

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) It means how sweet to do nothing.

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Dolce far niente, what a lovely phrase.

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) And you, you have a lovely voice.

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Well, thank you, Doctor.

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So do you.

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) What do you look like?

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Well, I--

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) Let me guess, may I?

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Well, you could try.

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) I would say you "walk in beauty,

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like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies.

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And all that's best of dark and bright

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meet in your aspect and your eyes".

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Oh, Doctor!

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That was beautiful.

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, tell me.

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Would you-- would you like to hear, "How Do I Love Thee"?

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By Wayne King?

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ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dare I call you again?

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Oh, please.

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I'd rather you wouldn't.

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(ITALIAN ACCENT) I will call you tomorrow at 2:00,

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carissima.

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[laughs] I told you.

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I told you that'd work.

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I fooled her completely.

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She fell for me.

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Me!

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Rob, you really think you fooled her?

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Of course, I did.

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Nah, she knows is was you.

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No, I tell you.

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I fooled her.

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She was entranced.

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You know something?

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You know what she thought?

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She thought that she was flirting

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with a complete stranger.

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[chuckles]

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Ah, you guys are right.

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Of course, she knew it was me all along.

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I mean, a husband couldn't-- couldn't fool his own wife.

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[chuckles]

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You guys, right.

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You were sure right.

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A man can't fool his own wife.

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Rob, you convinced me an hour and a half ago.

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But keep talking, maybe you'll convince

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yourself on your way home.

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Goodnight, Rob.

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Goodnight, Roberto.

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[laughs]

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Oh, that wife of mine.

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What a kidder, boy.

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She's so cute.

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I'm gonna kill her.

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Laura?

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Good evening, darling.

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I don't know what she meant by that.

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Hey, honey.

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What's this all about?

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We having guests for dinner?

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LAURA PETRIE: No.

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Well, what's the big occasion?

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LAURA PETRIE: Nothing, dear.

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I just felt romantic today.

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Romantic, a married woman and she-- hi.

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[chuckles] You sure look-- sure look beautiful.

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Thank you, darling.

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How was your day?

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Just marvelous.

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What ah-- what ah-- what'd you do?

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Oh, the usual, shopping, laundry,

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ran the mimeograph machine of PTA.

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Well, I guess that's the life of a housewife,

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nothing exciting ever happens. [chuckles]

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Oh, yeah?

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Well, you mean, uh-- you mean something exciting did happen?

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Mm-hmm.

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Well, come on, tell me.

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Well, I wasn't gonna tell you until after dinner,

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but darling, I bought some Armenian string cheese.

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I found it at a charming little continental restaurant.

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It's delicious.

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Taste it.

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And there's something else I did today.

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I prepared an authentic Italian dinner for you.

218
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Ita-- Italian?

219
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Mm-hmm.

220
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Why a-- why an Italian dinner all of a sudden?

221
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Well, I don't know, dear.

222
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It just came to me like any idea.

223
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I mean, after all, what inspired the radio?

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It just came to Marconi.

225
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Marconi, an Italian fellow, wasn't he?

226
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Yes.

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[phone rings]

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Never mind, darling, I'll get it.

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Hello.

230
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Millie, uh, listen.

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Rob and I are just about to have our dinner.

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Can I call you back?

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All right, bye-bye.

234
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Oh, darling, I am sorry.

235
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Were you expecting an important phone

236
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call or something?

237
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No, why?

238
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Why, I mean, the way you lunged at that phone.

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I always lunge that way.

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RITCHIE PETRIE: Hi, Daddy.

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Hey, Rich.

242
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Where you been hiding?

243
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In the bathtub.

244
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[laughs]

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When's Saturday, Daddy?

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Saturday, day after tomorrow.

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Good.

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Goodnight.

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Night.

250
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Goodnight, Mommy.

251
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Goodnight, dear.

252
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Oh, boy, only two more days.

253
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And then like you said, Mommy, dolce far niente.

254
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Dolce far niente?

255
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,601
Oh, yes, that's an Italian phrase.

256
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It means, how sweet to do nothing.

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Isn't that cute?

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Yeah.

259
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Darling, would you open the wine?

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(SINGING) Dolce far niente.

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Dolce far niente.

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Niente--

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Dolce far niente.

264
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She never hums my phone calls.

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Garlic bread.

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Oh, we're, ah, really, really Italian, aren't we tonight?

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I hope you like it, carissima.

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[coughs]

269
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What is it?

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00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,681
Rob, are you all right?

271
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:29,648
Darling, are you sure?

272
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:30,549
I'm positive.

273
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,017
I'm positive, I'm fine.

274
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:38,424
Boy, was that train crowded tonight.

275
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:42,161
I walked-- I had to walk back seven cars just to get a seat.

276
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,864
I could have taken it 5:44 you know,

277
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:46,899
but I figured I'd rather stand up than waste

278
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,734
the 14 extra minutes.

279
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,537
Even on the 5:44, I can-- you know, you can always get a seat

280
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,539
on it because it's not very--

281
00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:58,210
[clears throat] Where did you ever hear the word carissima?

282
00:12:58,310 --> 00:12:59,345
Carissima?

283
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,880
I don't know, dear, but I heard someone say it.

284
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,781
Well, yeah, I know, but where?

285
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:03,916
Well, I don't remember, dar--

286
00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:04,850
Rob, what is it?

287
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,152
You seem so jumpy.

288
00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:07,353
Well, I'm--

289
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,420
I'm-- I'm very edgy.

290
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:09,688
Well, why?

291
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:12,324
Well, I've had a tough day at the office.

292
00:13:12,424 --> 00:13:14,260
Well, that wine, I--

293
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,094
I'm sorry, dear.

294
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,530
Here, you sit down and relax.

295
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,764
Watch some television.

296
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,299
Dinner will be ready in just a minute.

297
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:33,412
She put me on.

298
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,854
She knows darn well who made that phone call.

299
00:13:41,954 --> 00:13:43,322
MAN (ON TV): All we can tell you panel,

300
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:46,091
is that the lady is married, she's a housewife

301
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:47,693
and she's got a secret.

302
00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:48,928
Oh, boy.

303
00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,879
[clacking of piano]

304
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,650
Dolce far niente.

305
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:12,585
Morning, Rob.

306
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,485
Hi.

307
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,587
BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, Rob.

308
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,121
Hey, listen, Rob.

309
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,057
All we need is a few more jokes for the opening monologue

310
00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:19,325
and the whole show is written.

311
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:20,859
And Buddy came up with a beaut. Tell him.

312
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,328
Yeah, yeah, see if you like this.

313
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:25,197
Alan plays a mad bird scientist and he crosses a homing

314
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:26,765
pigeon with a woodpecker.

315
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,867
The bird doesn't only deliver the message,

316
00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,536
it knocks on the door.

317
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:34,440
Cute, huh?

318
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,875
What do you think?

319
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,311
I think that she didn't even know it was me.

320
00:14:39,411 --> 00:14:41,146
She didn't say anything about a phone call.

321
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:42,882
Are you still harping on that bit?

322
00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:44,483
Oh, come on, Rob.

323
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:46,585
She's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her.

324
00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:47,853
She knows it's you.

325
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:49,355
She thought it was him.

326
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:50,756
That's what she wants you to think.

327
00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:52,024
She knows is was you.

328
00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:53,959
You trying to tell me about her?

329
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,761
You may know you, but you don't know her.

330
00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:58,097
She thought it was him.

331
00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:00,165
Well, I know her and I know you.

332
00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:02,368
And I'm telling you, she knows it's you.

333
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,103
What, you think you know about us?

334
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:05,771
But I am part of us and I don't know her.

335
00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:07,239
But I know her better than you know her,

336
00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:11,310
and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me.

337
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,479
I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.

338
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,118
Rob, if you're in such doubt, why don't you pick up a phone.

339
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:20,552
Call her up and ask her.

340
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,054
I can't do that.

341
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:24,356
If I call her up, naturally she's gonna say it was me.

342
00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:26,959
She's not gonna admit that she was flirting with someone else.

343
00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:28,560
[snaps fingers] I know what to do.

344
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:29,962
ROB PETRIE: What?

345
00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:31,730
Make like that Dr. Bonnelli again on the phone.

346
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,465
Call Laura and ask her for a date.

347
00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:35,000
Then if she says, yes or no, you'll

348
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,068
know one way or the other.

349
00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:37,603
Are you crazy?

350
00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:40,172
Now that would be the meanest thing I could possibly do,

351
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,175
carry on with that stupid practical joke.

352
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:46,779
I don't know why I ever started it in the first place.

353
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:50,716
I am gonna call her right now and I'm gonna apologize.

354
00:15:50,816 --> 00:15:51,950
That's what I'll do.

355
00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:53,185
I've let this thing go on long enough.

356
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,055
I've got to put an end to it.

357
00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:57,923
I feel like such a nut.

358
00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:59,358
I've got to tell her the truth.

359
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,660
LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Hello?

360
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,929
Hello?

361
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:05,397
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, carissima.

362
00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:09,268
It is Dr. Bonnelli.

363
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:10,336
Oh.

364
00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:11,236
Who is it?

365
00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:12,538
Shh.

366
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:13,539
Hello, Doctor.

367
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:14,440
Doctor, who?

368
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:15,741
Millie!

369
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:17,843
(ITALIAN ACCENT) What have you been doing, carissima?

370
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:22,948
Well, life's the same for your carissima, dull as usual.

371
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:23,916
Whose carissima's dull?

372
00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:25,684
Millie!

373
00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:27,019
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Dull?

374
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,855
I mean, a woman of your charm so, so vibrant,

375
00:16:29,955 --> 00:16:32,257
so full of the love of life.

376
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:34,326
You're very perceptive, Doctor.

377
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:37,730
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Please, um, call me, Berno.

378
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,064
Berno?

379
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:41,600
Berno, what an enchanting name.

380
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:42,801
Ooh, yeah.

381
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,036
Millie!

382
00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:48,240
What was that, Berno?

383
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,042
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I said, uh, and what--

384
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:51,810
what shall I call you?

385
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:55,314
Oh, carissima's fine.

386
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:58,117
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima, are you married?

387
00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:01,754
Would it make a difference?

388
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:02,654
(ITALIAN ACCENT) No, I--

389
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,689
I suppose not.

390
00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:05,157
Then why ask the question?

391
00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:12,131
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima.

392
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,699
Carissima, I must see you.

393
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:16,769
I must see you this afternoon for-- for cocktails,

394
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,104
the Casa Marie at 4:00.

395
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:23,342
I'm sorry, but I can't be there.

396
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:25,444
I could make it at 4:30 though.

397
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:33,152
(ITALIAN ACCENT) That-- that-- that would be just fine.

398
00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:36,221
Arrivederci.

399
00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:38,891
Arrivederci-- who was that?

400
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:39,858
Huh?

401
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:41,093
Oh, that was Rob.

402
00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:47,065
What's the matter, Rob?

403
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,768
You OK?

404
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,437
She's-- she's putting me on.

405
00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:56,475
[chuckles] She just put me on, that's all.

406
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,711
Wait, she-- she-- she accepted a date and that's not like her.

407
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,114
I mean, she'd never do anything like that.

408
00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:04,516
She's just-- she's just kidding me.

409
00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:07,019
I played a practical joke on her and she's paying me back.

410
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:07,953
I deserve it.

411
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:08,887
You know something?

412
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:11,156
I deserve that.

413
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,392
Well, let's, uh, finish up this work.

414
00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:15,661
We'll do it no time, then we'll knock off early.

415
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,595
How early, Rob?

416
00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:19,398
Say about 4:30?

417
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:20,699
Come on.

418
00:18:20,799 --> 00:18:22,201
You don't really think she's gonna go down to that bar.

419
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:23,769
No, I don't, but you do.

420
00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:27,372
Look, even if she didn't know that that was me on the phone,

421
00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:30,609
she'd never would meet a strange man in a strange bar.

422
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:33,111
I would.

423
00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:36,615
Come on, you guys, that's enough.

424
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:37,850
Let's get to work.

425
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:42,287
Um, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30.

426
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:44,156
She won't, there's not a chance.

427
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,058
Well, just suppose she does.

428
00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:47,359
Then she'll be stood up.

429
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,294
Look, she will not be stood up because she

430
00:18:49,394 --> 00:18:50,529
is not gonna be there.

431
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,664
Now she is my wife and I know her.

432
00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:54,633
I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing

433
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:55,667
on as long as I have.

434
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,169
I should have told her a long time ago

435
00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,537
and told her the truth.

436
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:01,306
Believe me, when I get home tonight,

437
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:03,742
I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her.

438
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:06,345
Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob.

439
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:07,379
Oh, no, not Laura.

440
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,382
She won't say a word for months.

441
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,702
Charming, charming, charming.

442
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:34,773
Honey?

443
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,575
Honey?

444
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:37,609
Laura?

445
00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,881
Hey, Ritchie?

446
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,517
Ritchie, where's Mamma?

447
00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:49,421
[inaudible] that's [inaudible] shopping [inaudible]..

448
00:20:01,099 --> 00:20:03,569
Dr. Bonnelli, I'll kill him!

449
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:05,871
Oh, it can't be.

450
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:08,307
Look, when a man comes home to see his wife

451
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:10,442
with beautiful flowers, the least she could

452
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,878
is be here to greet him.

453
00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:15,681
Now Millie, is Laura over there?

454
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,082
Were she--

455
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:20,452
[growls] Um, well, I'm sorry.

456
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,956
Chew some gum, your eye drum will pop back.

457
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,290
Where have you been?

458
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:26,959
Where have I been?

459
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,760
Well, I asked you first.

460
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:29,861
Where have you been?

461
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,597
And what are you doing wearing that dress?

462
00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:34,333
I had a date, that's what I'm doing wearing that dress.

463
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:37,069
Isn't that the dress I bought you and--

464
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,003
and--

465
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:38,904
And what?

466
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:40,439
Well, I'd-- I'd--

467
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:44,243
I'd-- I'd-- I don't think it's right for you to wear that

468
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:46,011
dress when I'm not with you.

469
00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:47,446
And where were ya?

470
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:49,915
I was where I was supposed to be, at Casa Maria.

471
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:53,385
Uh-huh, waiting for Dr. Bonnelli, I presume.

472
00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:05,530
[chuckles] Boy-- boy, did I fool you!

473
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:07,432
Rob, why did you stand me up?

474
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:09,534
I didn't stand you up.

475
00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:12,838
Dr. Bon-- who knew you'd go there.

476
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:18,910
Honey, I am sorry.

477
00:21:22,414 --> 00:21:23,515
Will you sit down for just a minute?

478
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:26,618
I'd like to try and explain.

479
00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:29,054
Here, I brought you flowers, your favorite red ones

480
00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:30,088
and the others.

481
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:35,861
Ha, we-- just sit down for a minute.

482
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:36,928
Will you, honey?

483
00:21:44,503 --> 00:21:46,738
Now let me try--

484
00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:49,374
honey, it was just a silly mistake.

485
00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:51,176
It all started out in the office.

486
00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:53,145
It was an experiment for a sketch.

487
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:56,114
We just wanted to see if a guy could disguise his voice

488
00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:58,483
and his wife wouldn't recognize him.

489
00:21:58,583 --> 00:22:01,186
Now honey, before I got a chance to explain to you,

490
00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:07,225
it got out of hand and it became an ugly, ugly practical joke.

491
00:22:07,325 --> 00:22:10,495
And I'm sorry and I apologize.

492
00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:14,599
Honey, I-- I don't blame you for not jumping to forgive me.

493
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:16,702
I'm not even asking you to forgive me.

494
00:22:16,802 --> 00:22:19,805
I'm not even asking you to be nice to me.

495
00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:22,808
I'm just asking you to let me live here.

496
00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:30,649
Oh, boy, honey.

497
00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:32,317
I mean, it was such a relief to find out you

498
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:35,287
knew it was me right from the beginning.

499
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:37,422
You knew it was me right away, didn't you?

500
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:40,959
[chuckles]

501
00:22:42,094 --> 00:22:45,497
I mean, didn't you know it was me right away?

502
00:22:45,597 --> 00:22:47,766
Honey, [clears throat] as long as I'm all dressed up

503
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:50,369
and Ritchie's over at Millie's why don't we go to that

504
00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:52,604
Italian restaurant for dinner?

505
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:54,973
Uh, you're not going to tell me, huh?

506
00:22:55,073 --> 00:22:57,576
No, maybe that way it'll teach you not

507
00:22:57,676 --> 00:22:59,478
to play practical jokes on me.

508
00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:01,780
Well, honey, it was just an experiment.

509
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,616
We just called to see if a wife recognizes his voice.

510
00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:07,185
Now come on, you knew it was me right away, didn't you?

511
00:23:07,285 --> 00:23:10,422
[chuckles]

512
00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:11,890
Sure you did.

513
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,729
Well, Millie, you should have seen Rob's face.

514
00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:20,565
He looks so cute when he's insanely jealous.

515
00:23:20,665 --> 00:23:22,667
Well, I don't imagine he'll play that joke again.

516
00:23:22,768 --> 00:23:23,401
I know.

517
00:23:23,502 --> 00:23:24,936
[phone rings]

518
00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:26,371
If Jerry did that to me, boy, would I let him have it.

519
00:23:26,471 --> 00:23:30,642
[laughs] Hello.

520
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,444
Just a minute, please.

521
00:23:32,544 --> 00:23:33,378
It's Rob.

522
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:35,013
He's doing it again.

523
00:23:35,113 --> 00:23:36,348
This time he's Hungarian.

524
00:23:36,448 --> 00:23:39,418
Well, give it to him good.

525
00:23:39,518 --> 00:23:43,955
Hello, you have the wrong number, but who cares.

526
00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:47,526
You have a charming voice and an adorable accent.

527
00:23:47,626 --> 00:23:53,198
I bet you're a tall, handsome and a wonderful--

528
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:54,199
tell me something.

529
00:23:54,299 --> 00:23:56,301
Do you like my voice?

530
00:23:56,401 --> 00:23:58,570
I thought you would.

531
00:23:58,670 --> 00:24:00,906
What's your name?

532
00:24:01,006 --> 00:24:03,775
Laszlo, that is Hungarian, isn't it?

533
00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:05,177
Mm-hmm.

534
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:09,114
Laszlo, would you like to come to my house for dinner tonight?

535
00:24:09,214 --> 00:24:11,917
Well, don't worry, I'll get rid of my husband.

536
00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:13,485
Well, the quickest way to get here

537
00:24:13,585 --> 00:24:15,821
is to hop into your little car and drive over

538
00:24:15,921 --> 00:24:17,989
to the West Side Highway at--

539
00:24:24,229 --> 00:24:25,363
how dare you, sir.

540
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,632
Don't you ever call this number again!

541
00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:32,003
That wasn't you?

542
00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:33,405
No, this is me.

543
00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:37,476
Well, Rob, I thought that was you just fooling around again.

544
00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:39,010
- Come here. - Why?

545
00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:40,946
MILLIE HELPER: Rob, she really thought you were kidding.

546
00:24:41,046 --> 00:24:41,913
Yes.

547
00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:43,381
Rob, there's no reason to get angry.

548
00:24:43,481 --> 00:24:44,783
She thought that was you on the phone.

549
00:24:44,883 --> 00:24:46,051
She thought you were continuing that--

550
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:48,086
Rob, if you're gonna fight and be angry,

551
00:24:48,186 --> 00:24:50,422
you're just being childish.

552
00:24:50,522 --> 00:24:52,257
Rob, please, try to understand.

553
00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:53,658
Do you understand?

554
00:24:53,758 --> 00:24:55,794
I guess he understands.

555
00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:03,001
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