1 00:00:05,990 --> 00:00:08,989 ♪♪ 2 00:00:08,990 --> 00:00:10,749 ♪ Let's stay together 3 00:00:10,750 --> 00:00:11,749 Man: Bruce. 4 00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:14,579 I think when this roast is over, 5 00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:19,579 you gonna find yourself one smiling motherfucker. 6 00:00:19,580 --> 00:00:21,579 Thing is, Bruce, right now, 7 00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:25,579 you're a 63-year-old action hero. 8 00:00:25,580 --> 00:00:29,579 That's a hard motherfuckin' fact of life. 9 00:00:29,580 --> 00:00:30,579 But it's a fact of life 10 00:00:30,580 --> 00:00:34,579 your ass is gonna have to get realistic about. 11 00:00:34,580 --> 00:00:38,579 If you think it gets better with age, it don't. 12 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:43,579 How many of those movies have you got left in you? 13 00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:44,579 Two. 14 00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:47,579 You never won an Academy Award, 15 00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:52,579 and if you were gonna win one, you would've won it by now. 16 00:00:52,580 --> 00:00:55,579 Are you my nigga? 17 00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:57,580 It certainly appears so. 18 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:05,579 Now, the night of the roast, you may feel a sting. 19 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:08,579 That's pride fuckin' with ya. 20 00:01:08,580 --> 00:01:11,579 Fuck pride. 21 00:01:11,580 --> 00:01:13,579 Pride only hurts. 22 00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:16,579 I've seen the movies you've made. 23 00:01:16,580 --> 00:01:21,579 You never had any pride, so why start now? 24 00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:25,579 'Cause a year from now, when you kickin' it in the Caribbean, 25 00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:31,579 you gonna say, "Comedy Central was right." 26 00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:34,579 When they hit you with those jokes, you laugh. 27 00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:36,579 Say it. 28 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:39,579 When they hit me with those jokes... 29 00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:41,579 I laugh. 30 00:01:41,580 --> 00:01:43,579 Now get out there. 31 00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:47,579 It's time to get medieval on your ass. 32 00:01:47,580 --> 00:01:50,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 33 00:01:50,580 --> 00:01:52,579 [ Van Halen's "I'm the One" plays ] 34 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,579 Come out to the coast. 35 00:01:54,580 --> 00:01:56,579 We'll get together, have a few laughs. 36 00:01:56,580 --> 00:02:02,579 For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 37 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:03,579 Whoo! 38 00:02:03,580 --> 00:02:13,579 For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 39 00:02:13,580 --> 00:02:15,579 ♪ We came here to entertain you ♪ 40 00:02:15,580 --> 00:02:17,579 ♪ Leaving here we aggravate you ♪ 41 00:02:17,580 --> 00:02:21,579 ♪ Don't you know it means the same to me ♪ 42 00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:23,579 ♪ Honey, I'm the one, the one you love ♪ 43 00:02:23,580 --> 00:02:26,579 ♪ Come on, baby, show your love ♪ 44 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:30,289 ♪ Hey, give it to me 45 00:02:30,290 --> 00:02:34,579 ♪ I see a glow that fills this room ♪ 46 00:02:34,580 --> 00:02:38,579 ♪ I see it rolling off of you 47 00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:41,579 ♪ And now your message from above ♪ 48 00:02:41,580 --> 00:02:43,579 ♪ I'm tellin' you 49 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:49,579 ♪ Ow, show your love 50 00:02:49,580 --> 00:02:51,579 ♪ Show your love 51 00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:56,579 This is the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis. 52 00:02:56,580 --> 00:03:02,579 For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 53 00:03:02,580 --> 00:03:05,579 And now please welcome your Roastmaster, 54 00:03:05,580 --> 00:03:07,579 Joseph Gordon-Levitt. 55 00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:10,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 56 00:03:10,580 --> 00:03:12,579 Whoa! 57 00:03:12,580 --> 00:03:16,579 ♪♪ 58 00:03:16,580 --> 00:03:17,579 Thank you. 59 00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:19,579 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 60 00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:23,579 And welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis! 61 00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:26,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 62 00:03:26,580 --> 00:03:28,579 I am thrilled to be here. 63 00:03:28,580 --> 00:03:30,579 I've been a huge Bruce Willis fan my entire life. 64 00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:32,579 My father was a huge Bruce Willis fan. 65 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,579 His father was a huge Bruce Willis fan, 66 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,579 and his father before him. 67 00:03:37,580 --> 00:03:40,579 Uh, but as an actor, I-I really admire Bruce's work. 68 00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:43,579 He can play anything from an asshole cop 69 00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:45,579 to an asshole ex-cop. 70 00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:48,579 [ Laughter ] 71 00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:50,579 And when you got a star like Bruce, 72 00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:53,579 it takes no effort to assemble a great dais. 73 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:54,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 74 00:03:54,580 --> 00:03:56,579 Yeah. 75 00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:58,579 No effort at all. 76 00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:01,579 We have domestic guru Martha Stewart here with us. 77 00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:02,579 Martha. 78 00:04:02,580 --> 00:04:05,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 79 00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:06,579 Martha's gonna do great tonight. 80 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:11,579 Uh, she's used to working with unwanted leftovers. 81 00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:13,579 Lil Rel, good to see you, sir. 82 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:15,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 83 00:04:15,580 --> 00:04:17,579 Uh, Lil Rel was on "The Carmichael Show," 84 00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:19,579 and now he's got his own show. 85 00:04:19,580 --> 00:04:21,579 And critics say that it'll be similar 86 00:04:21,580 --> 00:04:23,579 to "The Carmichael Show" -- canceled. 87 00:04:23,580 --> 00:04:25,580 [ Laughter ] 88 00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:30,579 We got Kevin Pollak. Yeah. 89 00:04:30,580 --> 00:04:32,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 90 00:04:32,580 --> 00:04:35,579 He's in the show "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel." 91 00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:40,579 Um, he plays a character named Moishe Maisel. 92 00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:41,579 Moishe? 93 00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:44,579 If that was any more Jewish, it would control the weather. 94 00:04:44,580 --> 00:04:47,579 [ Laughter ] 95 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:49,579 And it's awesome that Edward Norton is here. 96 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:50,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 97 00:04:50,580 --> 00:04:52,579 What's up, man? 98 00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:55,579 One of the world's greatest living actors 99 00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:57,579 is going to get roasted by Edward Norton. 100 00:04:57,580 --> 00:04:59,579 [ Laughter ] 101 00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:02,579 We also have peacemaker Dennis Rodman 102 00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:03,579 here with us tonight. 103 00:05:03,580 --> 00:05:06,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 104 00:05:06,580 --> 00:05:10,579 Dennis Rodman returning once again from North Korea. 105 00:05:10,580 --> 00:05:14,579 Uh, you know, Dennis may, uh, be the only person on the planet 106 00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:17,579 who can prevent a nuclear war. 107 00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:21,579 So I guess this is goodbye. 108 00:05:21,580 --> 00:05:23,579 [ Laughter ] 109 00:05:23,580 --> 00:05:26,579 But tonight is about our guest of honor. 110 00:05:26,580 --> 00:05:27,580 Let's see Bruce Willis in action, 111 00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:30,579 because nobody wants to see him in a comedy. 112 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,579 Hey. 113 00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:34,579 Who are you? A cop? 114 00:05:34,580 --> 00:05:35,579 Grant: You're the wrong guy 115 00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:38,579 in the wrong place at the wrong time. 116 00:05:38,580 --> 00:05:40,579 Man: You know what kind guys I roll with? 117 00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:41,579 Story of my life. 118 00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:43,579 Die hards. 119 00:05:43,580 --> 00:05:45,579 Welcome to the party, pal. 120 00:05:45,580 --> 00:05:46,579 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis 121 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:48,579 ♪ Like Bruce Willis, I'm a die hard ♪ 122 00:05:48,580 --> 00:05:50,579 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis 123 00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:51,579 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 124 00:05:51,580 --> 00:05:53,579 ♪ I'm a die hard Letterman: Bruce Willis. 125 00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:55,579 Stewart: When you walked out on "Letterman" with a meat hat... 126 00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:57,579 - No, this is all-natural. - Uh-huh. 127 00:05:57,580 --> 00:05:59,579 ...my esteem for you went through the roof. 128 00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:00,580 I am mentally ill. 129 00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:02,579 It's a miracle! 130 00:06:02,580 --> 00:06:03,579 I see dead people. 131 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,579 In your dreams? 132 00:06:05,580 --> 00:06:08,579 Nothing personal. I just hate you. 133 00:06:08,580 --> 00:06:11,579 You know, I respect you so much for telling me that. 134 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,579 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis 135 00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:14,919 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 136 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,580 Did you know that some actors turn down roles? 137 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,579 Cynthia: You don't want to be intimidating everybody. 138 00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:23,579 You used to be such a happy-go-lucky guy. 139 00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:26,579 Hey, I'm happy-go-- I'm very happy-go-lucky. 140 00:06:26,580 --> 00:06:29,579 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 141 00:06:29,580 --> 00:06:33,579 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪ 142 00:06:33,580 --> 00:06:35,579 Together: Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce! 143 00:06:35,580 --> 00:06:36,579 We love him as a rock star. 144 00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:38,579 ♪♪ 145 00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:41,579 The United States government just asked us to save the world. 146 00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:44,579 Anybody want to say no? 147 00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:46,579 Hartigan: Hell of a way to end a partnership. 148 00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:49,999 Feel that sting, big boy, huh? That's pride fuckin' with you. 149 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,579 ♪ If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man ♪ 150 00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:53,579 Pretty lucky shot, huh? 151 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,579 ♪ You win some, lose some, all the same to me ♪ 152 00:06:56,580 --> 00:06:57,579 You're not gonna kill me. 153 00:06:57,580 --> 00:07:00,579 No. Jack is. 154 00:07:00,580 --> 00:07:02,499 ♪ I don't share your greed 155 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,579 ♪ The only card I need is the ace of spades ♪ 156 00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:06,579 Whoo! ♪ The ace of spades 157 00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:07,579 Who's Zed? 158 00:07:07,580 --> 00:07:09,579 Zed's dead, baby. 159 00:07:09,580 --> 00:07:10,579 - Aah! - Zed's dead. 160 00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:12,579 ♪ You know I'm born to lose 161 00:07:12,580 --> 00:07:13,579 ♪ And gambling's for fools 162 00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:15,579 ♪ But that's the way I like it, baby ♪ 163 00:07:15,580 --> 00:07:17,579 ♪ I don't wanna live forever 164 00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:20,579 - You all right? - My cholesterol's a little high. 165 00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:22,579 Anybody else want to negotiate? 166 00:07:22,580 --> 00:07:24,579 Oh, shit! 167 00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:27,579 Mikey: Oh, no, put me back in. Put me back in. 168 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:29,579 ♪ The only thing you see 169 00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:31,579 ♪ You know it's gonna be 170 00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:32,579 ♪ The ace of spades 171 00:07:32,580 --> 00:07:34,579 ♪ The ace of spades 172 00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,579 Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy? 173 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:39,579 Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker. 174 00:07:39,580 --> 00:07:40,579 Motherfucker. 175 00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:41,579 Motherfucker. 176 00:07:41,580 --> 00:07:44,580 Yippee ki-yay, William Faulkner. 177 00:07:45,580 --> 00:07:48,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 178 00:07:48,580 --> 00:07:50,579 He's got a sixth sense. 179 00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:51,579 Let's hope it's a sense of humor. 180 00:07:51,580 --> 00:07:54,579 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man of the hour, 181 00:07:54,580 --> 00:07:56,579 Bruce Willis! 182 00:07:56,580 --> 00:08:04,579 ♪♪ 183 00:08:04,580 --> 00:08:12,579 ♪♪ 184 00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:19,580 ♪♪ 185 00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:23,579 - You feeling good? - Yes. 186 00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:24,579 - Are you ready for this? - Very well. 187 00:08:24,580 --> 00:08:28,159 So, Bruce Willis. 188 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,579 What a career, right? 189 00:08:29,580 --> 00:08:33,159 "The Fifth Element," "The Sixth Sense," 190 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,159 "The Whole Nine Yards," "12 Monkeys." 191 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,159 Zero Oscars. 192 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,159 [ Laughter ] 193 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,159 Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan, 194 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,159 Wes Anderson, Michael Bay, 195 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,159 these are just some of Bruce's directors 196 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,159 who refused to be here tonight. 197 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,159 [ Laughter ] 198 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:55,159 Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part 199 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,159 of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. 200 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,160 [ Laughter ] 201 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,159 And -- And it's not just action movies that made Bruce a star. 202 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,159 He's actually a great dramatic actor, too. 203 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,159 I loved "The Sixth Sense." 204 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,159 It's a great movie. 205 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,159 And it's a really impressive performance. 206 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,159 I don't know how you pretended not to be embarrassed 207 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,159 while a 10-year-old kid acted circles around you. 208 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,159 But you did it. 209 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,159 And, uh -- And the ending. 210 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,159 I did not see that twist coming. 211 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,159 I mean I-I shouldn't spoil it, but... 212 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,169 I mean, fuck it. It's been like 20 years. 213 00:09:26,170 --> 00:09:28,159 It's so good. 214 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:29,159 Okay, so, at the end of "The Sixth Sense," 215 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:32,159 Bruce goes back to making shitty movies. 216 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,460 [ Laughter ] 217 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,669 I had a blast working with Bruce 218 00:09:38,670 --> 00:09:41,159 in a time-travel movie called "Looper." 219 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,159 [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, thank you. 220 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,159 So, in the film, uh, I play a young Bruce Willis, 221 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,159 and he played a washed-up Bruce Willis. 222 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:53,159 But it was this crazy sci-fi premise 223 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,159 where I end up in the future 224 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,159 and Bruce ends up in a good movie made after 1999. 225 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,169 [ Laughter ] 226 00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:01,159 We want you to have a good time tonight, 227 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:03,159 but don't get too comfortable up here, 228 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,159 because later, we're gonna be replacing you 229 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,159 with Ashton Kutcher. 230 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,159 Relax! 231 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,159 Relax. 232 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,159 Bruce gets along with him fine. 233 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,159 He was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding. 234 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:18,159 His gift was a toaster and $90 million. 235 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,159 [ Laughter ] 236 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,159 Well, listen, whatever anybody says here tonight, 237 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,160 here's the truth, okay? 238 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,159 Deep down, every single one of us 239 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:31,159 wishes that we have that -- that courage, 240 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,159 that swagger of, like, I don't give a fuck that -- 241 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,159 that you embody better than any other movie star of our time. 242 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,159 Really. You give us what we want, 243 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,159 and we love you for it. 244 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,159 And so, tonight, let's honor 245 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,159 one of the three founders of Planet Hollywood. 246 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,159 [ Laughter ] 247 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,159 Not the one who won an Oscar 248 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,159 and not the one who became the governor of California, 249 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:58,159 but the one whose agent is just an outgoing message that says, 250 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,159 "He'll take it!" 251 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,160 Walter Bruce Willis! 252 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,159 [ Cheers and applause ] 253 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,159 Coming up, Nikki Glaser... 254 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,159 I-I'm not gonna be funny, but I look hot, so that's fine. 255 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,159 ...Kevin Pollak, Cybill Shepherd, 256 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,159 Lil Rel Howery... 257 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,159 No hard feelings, brother. 258 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,159 ...Edward Norton, Martha Stewart, Dom Irrera, 259 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:20,159 Dennis Rodman, Jeff Ross, and Demi Moore, 260 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:23,259 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 261 00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:28,259 [ Cheers and applause ] 262 00:11:28,260 --> 00:11:29,259 Our first roaster tonight 263 00:11:29,260 --> 00:11:32,259 is someone who definitely needs an introduction -- 264 00:11:32,260 --> 00:11:34,259 Nikki Glaser! 265 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,259 When she's not hosting her hit radio show, 266 00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:37,259 you can find her blowing around 267 00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:40,259 outside car dealerships during Toyotathon. 268 00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:42,259 Please welcome Nikki Glaser! 269 00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:44,259 [ Cheers and applause ] 270 00:11:44,260 --> 00:11:49,259 ♪♪ 271 00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:52,259 Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone! 272 00:11:52,260 --> 00:11:53,259 [ Cheers and applause ] 273 00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:56,259 He's so cute, so adorable. 274 00:11:56,260 --> 00:12:01,259 I bet you eat pussy but only with the crust cut off first. 275 00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:04,259 Isn't that his look? 276 00:12:04,260 --> 00:12:05,259 Speaking of crusty pussy, 277 00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:06,259 I'll get to you in a second, Cybill. 278 00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:07,259 I, um... 279 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,259 [ Laughter ] 280 00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:12,259 I know. 281 00:12:12,260 --> 00:12:14,259 I know. 282 00:12:14,260 --> 00:12:17,259 Martha Stewart, "shank" you for being here. 283 00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:19,259 [ Laughter ] Shank. 284 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,259 Seriously, and congratulations 285 00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:24,259 on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina. 286 00:12:24,260 --> 00:12:26,260 [ Audience groans, laughter ] 287 00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:32,389 And into your sweatshops. 288 00:12:32,390 --> 00:12:34,260 That's where they are now. 289 00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:40,259 Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn't that bad. 290 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,260 Just, you know, as long as it was clean-shaven, so... 291 00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:49,259 She loves attention to detail. 292 00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:52,259 Is she laughing? 293 00:12:52,260 --> 00:12:54,259 I'm terrified of her. 294 00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:56,259 [ Laughter ] 295 00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:58,259 No, I -- Honestly, Martha Stewart, I'm a huge fan, 296 00:12:58,260 --> 00:13:00,259 and my mom is an even bigger fan. 297 00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:01,260 My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart 298 00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:07,259 about cooking and cleaning and withholding affection, so... 299 00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:09,259 It's close to my heart. 300 00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:11,259 Kevin Pollak is here. 301 00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:12,259 [ Cheers and applause ] 302 00:13:12,260 --> 00:13:15,259 Ah, such an amazing actor. 303 00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:17,259 Most -- Uh, I know Kevin as, like, 304 00:13:17,260 --> 00:13:20,259 one of the greatest impressionists of all time. 305 00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:21,259 I'm a huge fan. 306 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:22,259 My favorite of his is, um, 307 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:25,259 he does an amazing Robin Williams. 308 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:27,259 I-I just wish he would finish it. 309 00:13:27,260 --> 00:13:30,259 [ Audience groans ] 310 00:13:30,260 --> 00:13:31,259 Yeah. Okay, guys. 311 00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:33,259 Listen, all I'm saying is that we've lost 312 00:13:33,260 --> 00:13:35,259 a lot of greats to suicide recently, 313 00:13:35,260 --> 00:13:37,259 and it's time we lose some okays. 314 00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:40,260 [ Laughter, groaning ] 315 00:13:43,260 --> 00:13:44,259 Cybill's gorgeous. 316 00:13:44,260 --> 00:13:47,259 I'm, like, honored to meet her, and, um -- 317 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,259 and her résumé is insane. 318 00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:50,259 Like, if you look at it, it's just like model, 319 00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:51,259 actor, singer. 320 00:13:51,260 --> 00:13:54,259 You name it, she's fucked it. 321 00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:56,260 [ Laughter, groaning ] 322 00:13:58,260 --> 00:14:00,260 I wish that wasn't true. 323 00:14:01,260 --> 00:14:02,259 I don't know any of these people. 324 00:14:02,260 --> 00:14:04,260 Cybill... 325 00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:06,259 Why am I here? 326 00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:08,259 Ugh. 327 00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:10,259 Literally, you have, like, no friends. 328 00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:11,259 Um... 329 00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:14,259 [ Laughter ] 330 00:14:14,260 --> 00:14:17,259 It's truly so cool to be sharing the stage 331 00:14:17,260 --> 00:14:18,259 with these badass women -- 332 00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:22,259 Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart, uh, Margaret Cho. 333 00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:23,849 I'm sorry, Dom Irrera. 334 00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:26,259 I -- Uh, sorry. 335 00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:28,259 I thought that was... 336 00:14:28,260 --> 00:14:31,139 [ Laughter ] 337 00:14:31,140 --> 00:14:32,259 Dom Irrer-- I know. 338 00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:34,259 You sleepy potato. 339 00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:37,259 [ Laughter ] 340 00:14:37,260 --> 00:14:39,259 Dom, I love you, but how did you have a stroke 341 00:14:39,260 --> 00:14:40,259 on both sides of your face? 342 00:14:40,260 --> 00:14:42,259 - Explain that. - I don't know. 343 00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:45,259 I don't get it. 344 00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:48,519 Dennis Rodman, what's up? 345 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,259 Dennis Rodman! 346 00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:53,259 I first met Dennis just earlier tonight 347 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,259 when he tried to sell me incense on the sidewalk. 348 00:14:55,260 --> 00:14:59,259 [ Laughter ] 349 00:14:59,260 --> 00:15:03,259 I don't want any, okay? 350 00:15:03,260 --> 00:15:05,259 Edward Norton is here. 351 00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,259 [ Cheers and applause ] 352 00:15:07,260 --> 00:15:09,260 Hey, buddy. 353 00:15:10,260 --> 00:15:12,259 Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy 354 00:15:12,260 --> 00:15:16,259 and then that boy became an asshole. 355 00:15:16,260 --> 00:15:18,259 Right? 356 00:15:18,260 --> 00:15:23,259 He was so hot in "Fight Club," right? 357 00:15:23,260 --> 00:15:24,259 When he was Brad Pitt. 358 00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:26,259 That was nuts. 359 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,259 [ Laughter ] 360 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:31,259 Now let's get to Bruce! 361 00:15:31,260 --> 00:15:35,259 [ Cheers and applause ] 362 00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:37,259 - Bruce? - Yes? 363 00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:38,259 This is honestly a real -- 364 00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:41,259 a big personal moment for me to be here 365 00:15:41,260 --> 00:15:45,259 roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star. 366 00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:48,259 I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD 367 00:15:48,260 --> 00:15:51,259 you kind of just find on the street. 368 00:15:51,260 --> 00:15:53,259 [ Laughter ] 369 00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:56,259 Obviously, you had an amazing action-film career 370 00:15:56,260 --> 00:15:59,259 until Jason Statham started balding. 371 00:15:59,260 --> 00:16:01,259 [ Laughter ] 372 00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,259 I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know. 373 00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:08,259 I've never seen a single one of your films consensually. 374 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,259 Like... 375 00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:11,259 it's always what some guy puts on 376 00:16:11,260 --> 00:16:14,259 while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch. 377 00:16:14,260 --> 00:16:16,260 Do you know what I'm saying? 378 00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:21,259 Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element," 379 00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:22,259 and it wasn't 'cause I'm a dumb girl, 380 00:16:22,260 --> 00:16:24,259 but because it's hard to follow that plot 381 00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:26,259 when you're fighting off a roofie 382 00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:29,259 and there's a knuckle inside you, you know? 383 00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:31,259 Just me? 384 00:16:31,260 --> 00:16:33,259 Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense," though. 385 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:36,259 I loved -- And the ending, when the guy came in my eye 386 00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:38,260 and I didn't have to watch the rest of it, that was great. 387 00:16:42,260 --> 00:16:44,259 A lot of people don't know 388 00:16:44,260 --> 00:16:47,259 that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he isn't. 389 00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:50,259 [ Laughter ] 390 00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:53,259 Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, 391 00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:54,259 which is where they make sick kids meet you 392 00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:58,259 so dying doesn't seem so terrible. 393 00:16:58,260 --> 00:17:00,259 It's so cruel. 394 00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:03,259 Bruce, in all honesty, thank you for having me here. 395 00:17:03,260 --> 00:17:05,259 You're really cool. You're so hot. 396 00:17:05,260 --> 00:17:07,259 And this is a special night. 397 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:10,259 You really are. It's a special night, obviously. 398 00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:12,259 Your family -- Your daughters must be so proud 399 00:17:12,260 --> 00:17:14,259 of their father, Ashton Kutcher. 400 00:17:14,260 --> 00:17:16,259 [ Laughter ] 401 00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:18,259 Thank you very much. Good night. 402 00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:20,259 [ Cheers and applause ] 403 00:17:20,260 --> 00:17:22,259 - Oh, that's so good. - Thank you. 404 00:17:22,260 --> 00:17:24,259 I got 'em. Sorry. Thank you. 405 00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:25,259 No. 406 00:17:25,260 --> 00:17:26,259 It felt good. 407 00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:28,259 Coming up, Kevin Pollak... 408 00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:30,259 You're going down. 409 00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:31,259 ...and Cybill Shepherd. 410 00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:32,389 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. 411 00:17:32,390 --> 00:17:36,309 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 412 00:17:36,310 --> 00:17:38,309 [ Cheers and applause ] 413 00:17:38,310 --> 00:17:40,310 ♪♪ 414 00:17:41,940 --> 00:17:43,579 All right! 415 00:17:43,580 --> 00:17:46,579 Our next roaster is Kevin Pollak. 416 00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:49,579 [ Cheers and applause] Yes. 417 00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:52,579 What a career he's had -- over 150 movies 418 00:17:52,580 --> 00:17:54,579 and just under 12 minutes of screen time. 419 00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:56,579 [ Laughter ] 420 00:17:56,580 --> 00:17:58,579 Please welcome Kevin Pollak. 421 00:17:58,580 --> 00:18:00,579 [ Cheers and applause ] 422 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:06,579 ♪♪ 423 00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:10,579 Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 'cause that's a fuckin' name. 424 00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:13,579 You know... 425 00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:15,579 You're doing a great job tonight, Joey. 426 00:18:15,580 --> 00:18:17,579 - You are, really. - Thank you, thank you. 427 00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:20,579 He's such a pro. 428 00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:21,579 It's no wonder you've been working steadily in Hollywood 429 00:18:21,580 --> 00:18:24,579 since you were 6 years old. 430 00:18:24,580 --> 00:18:26,579 'Course, it helps when your parents aren't choosy 431 00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:28,579 about who touches your pee-pee. 432 00:18:28,580 --> 00:18:30,580 [ Laughter ] 433 00:18:36,580 --> 00:18:39,580 Speaking of Dennis Rodman, I got to say... 434 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:45,579 It's odd to see you here. It really is. 435 00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:48,579 It's just odd. 436 00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:52,960 I mean, it's just if you knew Bruce, you know... 437 00:18:57,580 --> 00:18:58,579 He's not fond of the blacks. 438 00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:02,579 [ Laughter ] 439 00:19:02,580 --> 00:19:05,579 Do you see him disagreeing? Or is he laughing? 440 00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:08,579 [ Laughter ] 441 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:12,579 You might think with a name like Nikki Glaser 442 00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:14,579 that she's Jewish, but she's not. 443 00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:17,579 You can tell, actually, because, uh, Jews are funny. 444 00:19:17,580 --> 00:19:20,879 [ Laughter ] 445 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:24,879 Nikki said on her own show that she enjoys anal sex -- 446 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:25,879 her words. 447 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,879 Hey, good for you. 448 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,879 I mean, it makes sense. Obviously you don't eat. 449 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,879 So you might as well use that hole for something, huh? 450 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:34,879 [ Laughter ] 451 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:35,880 Thank you. 452 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:39,880 That's so nice. 453 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,879 Edward Norton, you, sir, are fantastic, 454 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:46,879 one of my all-time favorites. 455 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:50,879 Honestly. You want to know how brilliant Ed Norton is? 456 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:51,879 Ask him. 457 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:53,880 [ Laughter ] 458 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,879 And now on to the man of the hour, Bruce Willis, 459 00:19:58,880 --> 00:19:59,879 who I've known... 460 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,879 [ Cheers and applause ] 461 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,879 I've known Bruce for a very, very long time. 462 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,879 We've done three films together, one of them not horrible. 463 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,879 I really don't understand why you agreed to do this. 464 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,879 I mean, if you wanted to be humiliated, clearly, 465 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,879 we both know you could've just released another singing album. 466 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,879 [ Laughter ] 467 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,879 Some of you may not know because he bought every copy, 468 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,879 but Bruce released an RandB LP back in the '80s. 469 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,879 I did some research to find out whose idea this album was. 470 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,879 Turns out it was his manager. 471 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,879 And by "his manager," I mean cocaine. 472 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,879 [ Laughter ] 473 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:40,879 Just a tremendous amount of coke. 474 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,880 Like, a Jeff Ross-sized container of coke. 475 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,879 Bruce, pal, you've done some great work recently, 476 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,879 especially your subtle turn 477 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,879 in Wes Anderson's "Moonrise Kingdom." 478 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,879 Loved that film. 479 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,879 Yeah. 480 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,879 The story of two fifth-graders falling in love. 481 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,879 Bruce would've fallen in love with a fifth-grader 482 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,879 if he had met his current wife way back when he was 47. 483 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,880 [ Laughter ] 484 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,879 I first met Bruce when I was working with his first wife, 485 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,879 Demi Moore, in the film "A Few Good Men." 486 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,879 Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] 487 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,879 I think it's time everyone knew something about Demi. 488 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:22,879 When she shaved her head, 489 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,879 she said it was for her role in the film "G.I. Jane." 490 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,879 But the truth is, she shaved her head 491 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,879 because she loved her husband, Bruce. 492 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,879 And he wanted to fuck his own face. 493 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,880 [ Laughter ] 494 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:46,879 And now, Bruce, one of your friends and co-stars 495 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,879 from "Pulp Fiction" couldn't be here tonight, 496 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,879 so they've asked me to pass along a message 497 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:51,879 from Christopher Walken. 498 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,879 They've put it up here for me. Here it is. 499 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,879 [ As Christopher Walken ] "Hey, Bruce. 500 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,879 [ Laughter ] 501 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,880 Sorry I couldn't attend your funeral. 502 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,879 I did want to say, I've always been a fan, 503 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:15,879 particularly your work in the film "12 Monkeys." 504 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:21,880 Sure, I was disappointed that you did not portray a monkey. 505 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:28,879 But you gave a beautifully nuanced performance 506 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:32,879 reminiscent of a monkey 507 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,879 who poops in his hands 508 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,879 and then throws it in your face. 509 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,879 Mostly, though, I wanted to take this opportunity 510 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,879 to publicly thank you for creating my favorite restaurant, 511 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,879 Planet Hollywood. 512 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:49,879 Ooh. 513 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:54,879 If I'm honest, it's also my favorite planet. 514 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:58,879 [ Laughter ] 515 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,879 Thank you, Bruce Willis, 516 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:07,879 for having the vision and the courage to ask, 517 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:12,879 'Hey, who wouldn't want to eat $40 potato skins 518 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,879 in a booth next to the hat from "Billy Bathgate"?'" 519 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,879 [ Laughter ] 520 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,880 [ Cheers and applause ] 521 00:23:25,510 --> 00:23:26,879 [ Normal voice ] All ball-busting aside, 522 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:28,879 you've been a dear pal to me and my family 523 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,879 for a very long time, Bruce, and I love you. 524 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,879 Oh, I love you, buddy. 525 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,879 [ Cheers and applause ] 526 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,880 ♪♪ 527 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,879 Coming up, Cybill Shepherd... 528 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,879 I love you, and I always will. 529 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:45,969 ...and Lil Rel Howery. 530 00:23:45,970 --> 00:23:47,879 They want me to say really mean things 531 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,879 to Bruce Willis, but I won't. 532 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,329 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 533 00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:53,329 [ Cheers and applause ] 534 00:23:53,330 --> 00:23:58,330 ♪♪ 535 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,719 Our next roaster is Cybill Shepherd. 536 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,419 [ Cheers and applause ] 537 00:24:05,420 --> 00:24:08,419 Cybill has the distinction of being the first actress 538 00:24:08,420 --> 00:24:11,419 to hate working with Bruce Willis. 539 00:24:11,420 --> 00:24:17,419 I just learned this. She dated Elvis when she was 19. 540 00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:20,419 And last year, her vagina was inducted 541 00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:23,419 into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 542 00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,419 Please welcome Cybill Shepherd! 543 00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:27,419 [ Cheers and applause ] 544 00:24:27,420 --> 00:24:35,420 ♪♪ 545 00:24:41,860 --> 00:24:45,859 I love you all here tonight so much. 546 00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:49,859 And I particularly love one of the most brilliant actors 547 00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:52,859 and finest men I've ever known, Mr. Willis. 548 00:24:52,860 --> 00:24:56,859 [ Cheers and applause ] 549 00:24:56,860 --> 00:24:57,859 Thank you, darling. 550 00:24:57,860 --> 00:24:58,859 This is my first roast, 551 00:24:58,860 --> 00:25:01,859 and I have to say, I'm shocked. 552 00:25:01,860 --> 00:25:02,859 Whew! I've heard words here tonight 553 00:25:02,860 --> 00:25:06,859 that I have never heard before, like "Lil." 554 00:25:06,860 --> 00:25:09,859 [ Laughter ] 555 00:25:09,860 --> 00:25:11,859 And "Rel." 556 00:25:11,860 --> 00:25:13,859 [ Laughter ] 557 00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:15,859 Lil Rel, I'm glad you're here, 558 00:25:15,860 --> 00:25:18,859 because I've been meaning to apologize 559 00:25:18,860 --> 00:25:20,859 for calling the police about your barbecue. 560 00:25:20,860 --> 00:25:22,860 [ Laughter ] 561 00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:30,859 Bruce Willis, I'm so happy to see you. 562 00:25:30,860 --> 00:25:33,859 Gosh, the last time I saw your face, 563 00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:35,859 I was shopping for movies at the gas station. 564 00:25:35,860 --> 00:25:38,859 [ Laughter ] 565 00:25:38,860 --> 00:25:41,859 "Moonlighting" was considered the first "dramedy" -- 566 00:25:41,860 --> 00:25:43,859 a mix of drama and comedy, 567 00:25:43,860 --> 00:25:45,859 which is also a good way to describe 568 00:25:45,860 --> 00:25:47,859 Bruce's acting style. 569 00:25:47,860 --> 00:25:49,860 [ Laughter ] 570 00:25:51,860 --> 00:25:55,859 When he does comedy, it seems like drama, 571 00:25:55,860 --> 00:25:59,859 and when he does drama, it's hilarious. 572 00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:01,859 But Hollywood wouldn't be Hollywood 573 00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:04,859 if they didn't reward a man for aging into mediocrity. 574 00:26:04,860 --> 00:26:06,860 [ Cheers and applause ] 575 00:26:10,860 --> 00:26:12,859 Bruce went on to make 96 movies 576 00:26:12,860 --> 00:26:15,859 using just one facial expression. 577 00:26:15,860 --> 00:26:18,409 [ Laughter ] 578 00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:20,859 Ed Norton, I was so excited to meet you. 579 00:26:20,860 --> 00:26:23,859 I still think you should have won the Academy Award 580 00:26:23,860 --> 00:26:27,859 for playing a Neo-Nazi in "American History X." 581 00:26:27,860 --> 00:26:28,859 Yes. 582 00:26:28,860 --> 00:26:30,859 [ Cheers and applause ] 583 00:26:30,860 --> 00:26:32,859 If you had done that movie today, 584 00:26:32,860 --> 00:26:35,299 you would not only have gotten an Oscar, 585 00:26:35,300 --> 00:26:37,299 you would get a cabinet position in the White House. 586 00:26:37,300 --> 00:26:40,300 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 587 00:26:43,300 --> 00:26:46,299 I'm thrilled that I got to meet Martha Stewart tonight. 588 00:26:46,300 --> 00:26:49,299 I had the honor of playing Martha in two separate movies. 589 00:26:49,300 --> 00:26:54,299 I did my best, but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart 590 00:26:54,300 --> 00:26:55,299 was the FBI. 591 00:26:55,300 --> 00:26:57,300 [ Laughter ] 592 00:27:01,300 --> 00:27:03,299 And then there's Dom Irrera 593 00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:05,299 bringing his classic Italian charm. 594 00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:09,299 Two minutes after I met him, he was hittin' on me. 595 00:27:09,300 --> 00:27:12,299 I had to tell him, "Sorry, the last time I had sex 596 00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:14,299 with a 69-year-old, I was 18." 597 00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:17,299 [ Laughter ] 598 00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:19,299 And he owned the studio. 599 00:27:19,300 --> 00:27:22,759 He didn't just live in one. 600 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,299 I ran into Nikki Glaser in the ladies' room. 601 00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:29,299 I saw her from behind, with her slender body and blond hair, 602 00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:32,139 and I thought, "She must be a model." 603 00:27:32,140 --> 00:27:33,299 Then she turned around, and I thought, 604 00:27:33,300 --> 00:27:35,299 "Nope, she's a comic." 605 00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:39,299 [ Laughter ] 606 00:27:39,300 --> 00:27:42,299 Our characters on "Moonlighting" weren't much of a stretch. 607 00:27:42,300 --> 00:27:46,299 I played a former model, which I was. 608 00:27:46,300 --> 00:27:48,299 And he played an asshole... 609 00:27:48,300 --> 00:27:50,299 which he is. 610 00:27:50,300 --> 00:27:52,300 [ Laughter ] 611 00:27:56,300 --> 00:27:59,299 Bruce and I were really attracted to each other, 612 00:27:59,300 --> 00:28:01,299 but familiarity can breed contempt, 613 00:28:01,300 --> 00:28:04,299 so we didn't act on it. 614 00:28:04,300 --> 00:28:05,299 Too bad. 615 00:28:05,300 --> 00:28:08,299 Because based on how much we ended up hating each other, 616 00:28:08,300 --> 00:28:11,299 the sex would've been incredible. 617 00:28:11,300 --> 00:28:14,299 We actually came very close one time to having sex. 618 00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:17,299 But then he whipped it out, started playing with it, 619 00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:20,299 and ruined everything. 620 00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:22,299 I'm talking about your harmonica! 621 00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:25,299 [ Laughter ] 622 00:28:25,300 --> 00:28:27,299 Sadly, the stars never aligned for us, 623 00:28:27,300 --> 00:28:31,299 and it's never gonna happen now for one obvious reason -- 624 00:28:31,300 --> 00:28:34,299 You are way too old for me. 625 00:28:34,300 --> 00:28:36,299 [ Laughter ] 626 00:28:36,300 --> 00:28:38,299 Sure, our relationship was volatile 627 00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:39,299 and sometimes explosive, 628 00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:43,299 but in the end, it was the perfect formula for success. 629 00:28:43,300 --> 00:28:45,299 I know we haven't had a conversation in 30 years, 630 00:28:45,300 --> 00:28:49,299 but we'll always have something more important -- 631 00:28:49,300 --> 00:28:51,299 residuals. 632 00:28:51,300 --> 00:28:53,299 Good night. Thank you. 633 00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:55,299 [ Cheers and applause ] 634 00:28:55,300 --> 00:29:00,299 ♪♪ 635 00:29:00,300 --> 00:29:03,299 - I love you. - Thank you so much. 636 00:29:03,300 --> 00:29:04,299 Gordon-Levitt: All right. 637 00:29:04,300 --> 00:29:06,299 He provided the comic relief in "Get Out," 638 00:29:06,300 --> 00:29:08,299 but don't expect that tonight. 639 00:29:08,300 --> 00:29:09,299 Please welcome Lil Rel. 640 00:29:09,300 --> 00:29:11,299 [ Cheers and applause ] 641 00:29:11,300 --> 00:29:18,300 ♪♪ 642 00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:24,299 Oh, shit. What am I doing here? 643 00:29:24,300 --> 00:29:26,299 I don't know any of these old-ass white people up here. 644 00:29:26,300 --> 00:29:29,299 [ Laughter ] 645 00:29:29,300 --> 00:29:32,299 Along with the cast of "Young and the Restless." 646 00:29:32,300 --> 00:29:34,299 [ Laughter ] 647 00:29:34,300 --> 00:29:37,299 [ Laughs ] 648 00:29:37,300 --> 00:29:40,299 Bruce, you've done movies with other black comedians. 649 00:29:40,300 --> 00:29:42,299 Why did you ask somebody who ain't never did shit with you? 650 00:29:42,300 --> 00:29:45,299 I don't get that. 651 00:29:45,300 --> 00:29:47,299 You with Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan. 652 00:29:47,300 --> 00:29:49,299 God damn, this is sad. 653 00:29:49,300 --> 00:29:51,299 [ Laughter ] 654 00:29:51,300 --> 00:29:54,299 I mean, you had a limo driver in "Die Hard," Argyle, 655 00:29:54,300 --> 00:29:56,299 and he's not even here and he -- 656 00:29:56,300 --> 00:29:57,299 I don't know what the fuck he doin'. 657 00:29:57,300 --> 00:29:59,299 He need this shit. 658 00:29:59,300 --> 00:30:03,299 [ Laughter ] 659 00:30:03,300 --> 00:30:06,299 You don't got Argyle here. What the fuck? 660 00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:08,299 Uh, it's funny to see, like, 661 00:30:08,300 --> 00:30:10,299 Jeff Ross and Bruce Willis up here. 662 00:30:10,300 --> 00:30:13,299 Y'all two bald white motherfuckers 663 00:30:13,300 --> 00:30:15,299 look crazy as fuck. 664 00:30:15,300 --> 00:30:16,299 Like, both of y'all look like 665 00:30:16,300 --> 00:30:18,299 you're on two different stages of cancer. 666 00:30:18,300 --> 00:30:22,299 [ Audience groans ] 667 00:30:22,300 --> 00:30:24,299 Y'all really do. 668 00:30:24,300 --> 00:30:27,299 I'm sorry. Look fucked up. 669 00:30:27,300 --> 00:30:29,299 We got Dennis Rodman here, which I don't wanna talk about, 670 00:30:29,300 --> 00:30:30,299 'cause there's only two brothers here. 671 00:30:30,300 --> 00:30:32,299 But I respect Dennis Rodman. 672 00:30:32,300 --> 00:30:33,299 I'm from Chicago. You know what I mean? 673 00:30:33,300 --> 00:30:35,299 He won three championship with the Bulls. 674 00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:37,299 [ Crowd cheering ] 675 00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:39,299 I mean, he did a lot of dope shit. 676 00:30:39,300 --> 00:30:40,299 Man, he rebounded. 677 00:30:40,300 --> 00:30:42,299 He -- He would take a three every once in a while. 678 00:30:42,300 --> 00:30:44,300 He'd kick the fuckin' referee. 679 00:30:46,300 --> 00:30:48,299 He, like, jag off other players. 680 00:30:48,300 --> 00:30:50,299 A lot of weird shit. 681 00:30:50,300 --> 00:30:53,299 This motherfucker wore a wedding dress 682 00:30:53,300 --> 00:30:55,299 and was on the cover of a magazine. 683 00:30:55,300 --> 00:30:58,300 That shit is fuckin' off the chain. 684 00:31:00,300 --> 00:31:01,299 That's it. I ain't got no jokes. 685 00:31:01,300 --> 00:31:03,299 I just mentioned his fuckin'... 686 00:31:03,300 --> 00:31:05,300 [ Laughs ] 687 00:31:07,430 --> 00:31:10,299 Look, Bruce Willis is a fuckin' legend, man. 688 00:31:10,300 --> 00:31:12,299 You know, you had a famous line, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker," 689 00:31:12,300 --> 00:31:15,299 which I think is one of the greatest tag lines 690 00:31:15,300 --> 00:31:16,299 in movie fuckin' history. 691 00:31:16,300 --> 00:31:19,299 It really is. 692 00:31:19,300 --> 00:31:21,299 Which is why, like, I was happy when he gave me 693 00:31:21,300 --> 00:31:24,299 "T-S-motherfuckin'-A." 694 00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:26,299 That shit was motivated from you for saying, 695 00:31:26,300 --> 00:31:28,299 "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker." 696 00:31:28,300 --> 00:31:30,299 Yeah, and it was. 697 00:31:30,300 --> 00:31:32,299 I want to just say this, man -- I'm a big fan of you. 698 00:31:32,300 --> 00:31:35,299 I hope we do a movie someday. 699 00:31:35,300 --> 00:31:37,299 I mean, I know you lookin' for -- I mean, let's see. 700 00:31:37,300 --> 00:31:40,299 1, 2, 3. You got to do one more with another black dude. 701 00:31:40,300 --> 00:31:42,299 Let it be me. 702 00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:43,299 You already had Chris Tucker. 703 00:31:43,300 --> 00:31:45,299 You did Tracy Morgan, Argyle, Carl Winslow. 704 00:31:45,300 --> 00:31:46,639 I don't know nobody real names, 705 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,299 only know their character names and shit. 706 00:31:49,300 --> 00:31:51,299 [ Laughs ] 707 00:31:51,300 --> 00:31:53,299 Hey, look, we got to stop with these "Die Hards," bro. 708 00:31:53,300 --> 00:31:57,299 Like, this shit is getting fuckin' weird. 709 00:31:57,300 --> 00:31:59,299 It is. I'm confused about which kid you got. 710 00:31:59,300 --> 00:32:00,299 Like, the daughter be missing in one, 711 00:32:00,300 --> 00:32:02,299 and then the son be missing in one. 712 00:32:02,300 --> 00:32:04,299 We never see your kids to-fuckin'-gether. 713 00:32:04,300 --> 00:32:06,299 Honestly, you should change your name to John McClane. 714 00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:08,299 You know what I mean? Like, I'm fuckin' confused. 715 00:32:08,300 --> 00:32:09,299 How many fuckin' kids you got? 716 00:32:09,300 --> 00:32:11,299 So look, this is what I suggest. 717 00:32:11,300 --> 00:32:14,429 Next "Die Hard," you put me in it. 718 00:32:14,430 --> 00:32:16,299 I'll play your son, all right? 719 00:32:16,300 --> 00:32:19,299 [ Laughter ] 720 00:32:19,300 --> 00:32:21,300 You adopted me from Africa. 721 00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:25,299 I'm really pitching this shit. I hope y'all listenin'. 722 00:32:25,300 --> 00:32:27,299 There's agents in here. 723 00:32:27,300 --> 00:32:30,299 You adopt me from Africa, 724 00:32:30,300 --> 00:32:32,299 and we go to the West Side of Chicago, right, 725 00:32:32,300 --> 00:32:34,299 and we fight crime together. 726 00:32:34,300 --> 00:32:37,299 And you shoot me by mistake, 727 00:32:37,300 --> 00:32:39,299 and that starts the whole "Die Hard" franchise. 728 00:32:39,300 --> 00:32:40,299 We'll never have to see that shit again, 729 00:32:40,300 --> 00:32:42,299 'cause John McClane is in jail 730 00:32:42,300 --> 00:32:46,299 for shooting an innocent black man that he adopted. 731 00:32:46,300 --> 00:32:48,299 [ Laughs ] 732 00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:50,299 But seriously, Bruce Willis, thank you for having me, man. 733 00:32:50,300 --> 00:32:52,299 You are so -- I don't know. 734 00:32:52,300 --> 00:32:53,299 You like -- I don't want to call you, like -- 735 00:32:53,300 --> 00:32:55,299 like, my idol, but you kind of are, brother. 736 00:32:55,300 --> 00:32:57,299 Like, you made some movies that -- 737 00:32:57,300 --> 00:32:58,299 that made all of us want to be in movies and shit. 738 00:32:58,300 --> 00:33:00,299 So thank you so much for having me, man. 739 00:33:00,300 --> 00:33:01,299 I'm proud of you, man. 740 00:33:01,300 --> 00:33:04,300 [ Cheers and applause ] 741 00:33:06,300 --> 00:33:08,299 Coming up, Martha Stewart... 742 00:33:08,300 --> 00:33:09,299 Hurray. 743 00:33:09,300 --> 00:33:10,299 ...Edward Norton. 744 00:33:10,300 --> 00:33:12,299 Bruce, you know that I know a lot of things 745 00:33:12,300 --> 00:33:14,299 that you don't want me to know. 746 00:33:14,300 --> 00:33:17,300 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 747 00:33:19,300 --> 00:33:21,299 [ Cheers and applause ] 748 00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:23,069 ♪♪ 749 00:33:23,070 --> 00:33:24,789 All right! 750 00:33:24,790 --> 00:33:26,789 I am a huge fan of our next roaster. 751 00:33:26,790 --> 00:33:29,789 Edward Norton, ladies and gentlemen. 752 00:33:29,790 --> 00:33:32,079 [ Cheers and applause ] Yes. 753 00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:35,079 He's fantastic in movies like "Primal Fear," 754 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,079 "Fight Club," "Birdman," 755 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:40,079 and who could forget Edward Norton 756 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,079 as the Incredible Hulk? 757 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:44,079 "The Avengers" franchise, that's who. 758 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:47,079 [ Laughter ] 759 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:49,079 Well, let's give Edward Norton a round of applause. 760 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:51,079 I know Mark Ruffalo does every night. 761 00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:53,209 Please welcome Edward Norton. 762 00:33:53,210 --> 00:33:56,079 [ Cheers and applause ] 763 00:33:56,080 --> 00:34:02,079 ♪♪ 764 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:03,079 Thank you. 765 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:08,079 Bruce, uh, slumming it here on your behalf at Comedy Central 766 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:11,079 is, um, not something I would do for many people. 767 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:14,039 But, um, I owe you big, 768 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,079 and you know what I'm talking about, 769 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:17,079 but I would say this puts us totally square. 770 00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:21,079 In fact, I think probably it's back on you after tonight, yeah? 771 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:22,079 Okay. 772 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,079 It is, uh, a pleasure to be here 773 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:28,079 to stick a fork in my pal Bruce Willis. 774 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,079 Um, I'm not really a -- 775 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:33,079 like, a niche takedown comic like Jeff Ross or -- 776 00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:38,080 or a three-name suck-up like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but... 777 00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,079 I'm here to do something I think maybe only I can do 778 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:46,079 as someone who has made a career out of character analysis. 779 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:49,079 I am here to do a deep dissection 780 00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:52,079 of how the fucking bartender from New Jersey 781 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:55,079 became such a big titty of a global movie star. 782 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,080 [ Cheers and applause ] 783 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:05,079 Because I feel -- I feel if I had not distracted myself 784 00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:07,499 with obsession on the likes of De Niro and Hoffman 785 00:35:07,500 --> 00:35:10,080 and Daniel Day-Lewis... 786 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,079 ...things might have been very different. 787 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:17,919 I'm now coming to realize in middle age, um, 788 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:22,079 if I had cracked the mystery of how you became a movie star, 789 00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:28,079 then maybe there still might be time for me to be more like you. 790 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:31,079 I mean, if I -- if I end up settling 791 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,079 for three Academy Award nods and the -- 792 00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:35,079 the respect of audiences and critics 793 00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:38,079 and my peers globally, I'll -- I'll -- 794 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:39,079 I'll find a way to be happy about it. 795 00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:41,079 But the cold truth of it -- 796 00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:43,079 the cold truth of it is that good reviews 797 00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:46,079 in The New Yorker and Oscar nominations that -- 798 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:47,079 that you lose to the fucking 799 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,079 Farmer's Insurance pitchman J.K. Simmons... 800 00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:52,080 [ Laughter ] 801 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:57,079 They don't -- Those things are great, 802 00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:01,079 but they don't buy you half of fucking Idaho, do they? 803 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,079 No, they do not. 804 00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:04,079 They do not. 805 00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:07,079 It's not that I'm jealous, but, Jesus, 806 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:09,079 you get away with everything. 807 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:13,079 I mean, can I cock my eye and say some cryptic shit 808 00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:15,079 that literally not one person in the room understands 809 00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:18,079 and have everyone laugh their asses off? 810 00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:19,079 I cannot. 811 00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:21,079 You think I'm -- You think I'm -- 812 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:22,079 You're laughing 'cause you think I'm making a joke. 813 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,079 I was sitting in a bar with Bruce 814 00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:26,079 and I asked him if he liked the script I'd sent him, 815 00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:29,079 and he says, "Try keeping a marriage together 816 00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:31,079 when 22 is still on the menu." 817 00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:33,080 [ Laughter ] 818 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,129 What the fuck does that mean? 819 00:36:38,130 --> 00:36:41,079 I mean, I know what it means, but why say it to that? 820 00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:42,079 I... 821 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,079 But I fell off my barstool laughing. 822 00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:47,079 I had no idea why. 823 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:48,079 I still don't know what he thought of the script, 824 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:52,079 and we're done making the movie. 825 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:54,080 I don't think he's read it. 826 00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:58,079 Can I act that weird and have people love me? 827 00:36:58,080 --> 00:36:59,080 I cannot. 828 00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:04,079 Can I -- Can I say things like, 829 00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:09,079 "The natural sexual dynamics," 830 00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:12,079 while I'm wearing a "Make American Great Again" hat 831 00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:14,249 and then go blow up a helicopter of Mexican extras 832 00:37:14,250 --> 00:37:16,079 dressed up as Middle Eastern terrorists, 833 00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:18,079 call that a twofer, 834 00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:20,079 and still have a bunch of liberal Hollywood executives 835 00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:21,079 call my agent the next morning 836 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:26,079 and say they want to be in the Edward Norton business? 837 00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:29,079 I most definitely cannot. 838 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:33,079 I wish I was Teflon like you, but, then again, 839 00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:35,079 I do like my kids not being embarrassed by me. 840 00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:38,080 [ Laughter ] 841 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:43,079 But seriously, could I ever leave a movie set 842 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:44,079 after my close-ups are done 843 00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,079 and leave every one of my co-stars 844 00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,079 for the last 30 years to act their scenes 845 00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:52,079 looking at a C-stand with a red "X" taped to it, 846 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:54,079 listening to the 60-year-old script girl 847 00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:57,079 reading the John McClane lines to them 848 00:37:57,080 --> 00:38:01,079 and still have directors like Quentin Tarantino call me? 849 00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:05,080 No, I act my fucking ass off. Quentin never calls me. 850 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,079 You know what I wouldn't give for the opportunity 851 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:10,079 to tell that prick, 852 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:13,080 "I'm gonna rewrite this piece of shit tonight." 853 00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:23,079 By the way -- By the way, when Wes Anderson calls him -- 854 00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:26,079 He and I do "Moonrise Kingdom" together, and this is true. 855 00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:29,079 Everyone in the cast stayed in a little house together. 856 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,079 We did our own costumes and makeup. 857 00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:32,079 We did our own hair, 858 00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:34,079 and we went to set in a van together to save money, 859 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:37,079 even Bill Murray, but not Bruce fuckin' Willis. 860 00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,079 [ Laughter ] 861 00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:43,080 He rented the Carnegie Mansion next door like a boss. 862 00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:47,079 When Wes said, "Do you think Bruce understands 863 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:48,079 that I really want this to be like 864 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,079 a-a repertory theater troupe?" 865 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,079 I said, "Shut the fuck up, you long-haired pussy. 866 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,079 That's a fuckin' movie star." 867 00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:56,080 [ Cheers and applause ] 868 00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:03,079 It's not fair. It's not fair. 869 00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,079 I got acclaim, but I -- 870 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:09,079 I can't pull big-cock movie-star power moves like him and say, 871 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:12,079 "Fuck the box office and fuck streaming services. 872 00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:14,079 I'm not making any more movies unless they go straight to DVD." 873 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:17,079 [ Laughter ] 874 00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:21,079 And keep that up for, like, what, five years now? 875 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:24,079 No way. If I pulled that, my ass would be out in the cold, 876 00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:26,079 and they'd be calling Joseph "Three Name" Levitt 877 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:27,079 for "Fight Club 2." 878 00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:30,339 [ Laughter ] 879 00:39:30,340 --> 00:39:33,079 I couldn't make "Hudson Hawk" and literally work ever again 880 00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:36,079 for a single day. 881 00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:39,079 Never. No one else would've survived that. 882 00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:41,079 You thrived. 883 00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:43,079 Why is this? Why? Why? 884 00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:46,079 We have to figure it out. 885 00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:49,079 Was it your training? No. 886 00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:52,079 You didn't go to candy-ass acting class for training. 887 00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:54,079 You did mounds of cocaine and tended bar 888 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,079 with your male ballerina pal Steve Eads and... 889 00:39:57,080 --> 00:40:00,079 [ Audience cheers ] 890 00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:03,079 I mean, what -- what good is acting school, anyway, you know? 891 00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:04,079 I mean... 892 00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:06,079 I think maybe -- maybe it's your name. 893 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:07,079 Bruce Willis. It pops. 894 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,079 It's just an action hero. 895 00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:11,079 Mine still makes people think of Eddie Murphy 896 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,079 sodomizing Art Carney. 897 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:16,079 [ Laughter ] 898 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,079 I don't know. Maybe it's -- I try to challenge myself. 899 00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:22,079 I look for roles that stretch me and are different, 900 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:25,079 whereas you deliver consistently the same performance. 901 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:29,080 And I mean, like, the same one every fucking time. 902 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:34,079 Maybe it's the script. 903 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:37,079 I have to adopt your relationship to the script. 904 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:38,079 I tried to be like you. 905 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:40,079 I did a big action movie called "The Incredible Hulk." 906 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:44,079 You know what went wrong? I wanted a better script. 907 00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,079 I thought maybe we should try to make one Marvel movie 908 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:49,079 that was at least as good as the worst Chris Nolan movie, 909 00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,080 but what the hell was I thinking? 910 00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:57,079 The last thing Bruce Willis would demand is a better script. 911 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:59,079 I'm such an idiot. 912 00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:01,079 [ Laughter ] 913 00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,879 The script of his last three films was crinkle your forehead, 914 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,879 say short, memorable quip, no more than four words, 915 00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:07,879 shoot the gun, duck, repeat, the end. 916 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:11,879 It's a half a page long. 917 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:15,339 You could learn your lines in the car on the way to the set. 918 00:41:15,340 --> 00:41:17,879 You don't, but you could. 919 00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:19,880 [ Laughter ] 920 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:22,879 He doesn't have time for lines. 921 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:23,879 He has to blow shit up. 922 00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:25,879 I'm so stupid. 923 00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:26,879 All my decisions have been wrong. 924 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:28,879 I have to start going for scripts 925 00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:29,879 that are short and dumb, 926 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:33,880 full of grunts, easily dubbed for the Bosnian market. 927 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:38,879 And then I could get a G-5, a Caribbean island, 928 00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:40,879 seven daughters by three different women -- 929 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:42,880 that I know of. 930 00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:50,879 At the end of the day, though, I've come to think, actually, 931 00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:53,879 it might just be all about your head -- 932 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:56,879 your incredible bald head. 933 00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:58,879 And, frankly, I -- 934 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:00,879 I think it's 'cause it closely resembles 935 00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:02,879 a nicely shaped cock. 936 00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:04,879 It's -- Look at it. Look at it. 937 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:05,879 Turn sideways. 938 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:07,879 Look at it. 939 00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:10,879 And like a nicely shaped penis, nobody can stop looking at it. 940 00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:13,879 It's totally hypnotic to men and women alike. 941 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:16,879 You -- You have a perfect dick-head. 942 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:21,879 And, uh, men and women are both comfortable with it. 943 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:24,879 They think it's funny, a little scary, a little sexy. 944 00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:26,879 Just that is a rare thing. 945 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,879 It's a rare thing, and I know, because I tried to emulate you 946 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:30,879 in "American History X." 947 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:33,879 I shaved my head. I acted like a racist asshole. 948 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:36,879 And, um, it's probably the closest any actor 949 00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:38,879 has actually come to being you in a film, 950 00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:39,879 and I got nominated for Best Actor. 951 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,879 But -- But the movie made less money than you made 952 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:44,879 on the opening weekend of "Nobody's Fool." 953 00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:47,879 It's like... 954 00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:49,879 You got to work with Paul Newman, 955 00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:52,879 and all I got was my skinhead poster 956 00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:55,879 in the bathrooms of the gay clubs on Santa Monica Boulevard. 957 00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:58,879 [ Laughter ] 958 00:42:58,880 --> 00:42:59,879 I don't know. I think I have to accept it. 959 00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:02,879 I think I have to accept I will never be 960 00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:06,879 the global dickhead powerhouse that you are. 961 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,879 No matter how good I am, no matter how committed, 962 00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:09,879 no matter how professional, 963 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:13,879 all those things take me further from your standard of stardom. 964 00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:17,879 There is nobody else like you, damn it. 965 00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:20,880 Nobody. Um, joking aside... 966 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:24,879 I was doing a play many years ago in New York, 967 00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:26,879 and, um, I came home one night after the show. 968 00:43:26,880 --> 00:43:29,879 And there was a letter in my apartment building 969 00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:31,879 from the Four Seasons Hotel. 970 00:43:31,880 --> 00:43:34,879 And I read it, and it was one of the most thoughtful, 971 00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:38,879 articulate letters I got about this whole play. 972 00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:40,879 And it was signed "Bruce Willis." 973 00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:42,879 And I immediately called my friend Stewart and said, 974 00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:44,879 "Fuck you. It's a wind-up." 975 00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,879 And, uh, he said, "I don't know what you're talking about. 976 00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:47,879 So, I called Bruce. 977 00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:49,879 I said, "Did you really write me this letter?" 978 00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:51,879 He said, "Yeah." 979 00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:57,879 So we had a beer, and, um, he says, essentially, 980 00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,879 "You're doing the kind of work I want to be a part of, 981 00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:02,879 and whatever you're doing, if you can put me in the mix, 982 00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,879 I'm in, sight unseen." 983 00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:09,879 And, um, I didn't think that would really stick. 984 00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:11,879 And many years later, 985 00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:15,879 when I wanted to make my own film, real passion project -- 986 00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:17,879 it's hard to get those things done -- 987 00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:19,879 he was the first person I called. 988 00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:23,879 And he said, "I told ya, if you ever need me, I'm in." 989 00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:25,879 And, uh, we just made this movie together 990 00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:27,879 and had a beautiful time. 991 00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:30,879 And I wouldn't have gotten it made with you. 992 00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:33,879 Uh, and I'm really deeply grateful for that. 993 00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:35,879 Um, I love you. 994 00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:36,879 Or maybe I'm very a good actor 995 00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:38,879 and I'm just acting when I say that. 996 00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:39,879 You would... 997 00:44:39,880 --> 00:44:41,879 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 998 00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:42,880 Yeah! 999 00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:45,880 Um... 1000 00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:49,879 You wouldn't know the difference, 1001 00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:51,879 and that's the reason I love you. 1002 00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:54,879 [ Cheers and applause ] 1003 00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:56,879 Oh, buddy. 1004 00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:58,879 - Thank you. - Thank you. 1005 00:44:58,880 --> 00:44:59,879 Thank you. 1006 00:44:59,880 --> 00:45:01,879 Fantastic. 1007 00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:02,879 Coming up, Martha Stewart... 1008 00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,879 I decided to come out here and rekindle our friendship. 1009 00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:06,879 ...and Dom Irrera, 1010 00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:10,519 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 1011 00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:12,519 [ Cheers and applause ] 1012 00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:15,519 ♪♪ 1013 00:45:15,520 --> 00:45:17,519 All right! 1014 00:45:17,520 --> 00:45:19,519 Sorry, I just have to say, 1015 00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:21,519 that was one of the coolest things 1016 00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:23,829 that has to have happened on TV recently. 1017 00:45:23,830 --> 00:45:25,829 That was -- That was amazing. 1018 00:45:25,830 --> 00:45:26,829 [ Cheers and applause ] 1019 00:45:26,830 --> 00:45:27,829 Okay. 1020 00:45:27,830 --> 00:45:30,829 Our next roaster is Martha Stewart. 1021 00:45:30,830 --> 00:45:32,830 [ Cheers and applause ] 1022 00:45:34,830 --> 00:45:37,829 Martha worked her way through college as a model, 1023 00:45:37,830 --> 00:45:40,829 posing for cigarette ads and Michelangelo. 1024 00:45:40,830 --> 00:45:42,829 [ Laughter ] 1025 00:45:42,830 --> 00:45:46,829 She's the hostess with the most-est indictments. 1026 00:45:46,830 --> 00:45:50,829 But her rap sheet has an 800-thread count. 1027 00:45:50,830 --> 00:45:51,829 It's Martha Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. 1028 00:45:51,830 --> 00:45:53,829 [ Cheers and applause ] 1029 00:45:53,830 --> 00:45:56,829 [ Indistinct rapping ] 1030 00:45:56,830 --> 00:46:02,829 ♪♪ 1031 00:46:02,830 --> 00:46:05,829 Wow. What a night. Ha. 1032 00:46:05,830 --> 00:46:07,829 Thank you, Joseph. 1033 00:46:07,830 --> 00:46:09,829 I know something about hosting parties, 1034 00:46:09,830 --> 00:46:14,829 so I want to congratulate you on being the perfect host tonight. 1035 00:46:14,830 --> 00:46:18,829 You set the table, faded into the background, 1036 00:46:18,830 --> 00:46:21,829 and let the interesting people shine. 1037 00:46:21,830 --> 00:46:23,829 - Bravo. - Thank you. 1038 00:46:23,830 --> 00:46:24,829 Thank you. 1039 00:46:24,830 --> 00:46:26,829 What a dais. 1040 00:46:26,830 --> 00:46:31,829 Dennis Rodman, where do I begin? 1041 00:46:31,830 --> 00:46:33,829 If you had told me back in the '90s that Dennis Rodman 1042 00:46:33,830 --> 00:46:39,829 would be negotiating a nuclear-arms agreement in 2018, 1043 00:46:39,830 --> 00:46:44,829 I would've said, "Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?" 1044 00:46:44,830 --> 00:46:46,830 [ Laughter ] 1045 00:46:48,830 --> 00:46:51,829 Local comedian Dom Irrera is here. 1046 00:46:51,830 --> 00:46:57,829 Dom, I know your career never really took off, 1047 00:46:57,830 --> 00:47:01,829 but if you just keep doing what you've been doing, 1048 00:47:01,830 --> 00:47:03,829 I'm sure you'll eventually be discovered 1049 00:47:03,830 --> 00:47:07,829 by your landlord two weeks after your heart attack. 1050 00:47:07,830 --> 00:47:11,829 [ Laughter ] 1051 00:47:11,830 --> 00:47:14,829 And, Edward Norton, I am a huge fan. 1052 00:47:14,830 --> 00:47:17,829 You are amazing. 1053 00:47:17,830 --> 00:47:21,829 Edward takes the craft of acting very seriously. 1054 00:47:21,830 --> 00:47:24,829 He prepared to play the Incredible Hulk 1055 00:47:24,830 --> 00:47:27,829 by spending 30 years losing his temper 1056 00:47:27,830 --> 00:47:30,829 and turning into a giant asshole. 1057 00:47:30,830 --> 00:47:33,829 [ Laughter ] 1058 00:47:33,830 --> 00:47:37,829 Nikki Glaser, you have it all -- 1059 00:47:37,830 --> 00:47:41,829 the name of a professional porn star 1060 00:47:41,830 --> 00:47:44,829 and the body of an amateur porn star. 1061 00:47:44,830 --> 00:47:47,829 [ Laughter ] 1062 00:47:47,830 --> 00:47:50,829 You know, I'm a big supporter of the 1063 00:47:50,830 --> 00:47:52,829 but remember, Nikki, 1064 00:47:52,830 --> 00:47:55,829 "me too" shouldn't just be what a guy says to his friend 1065 00:47:55,830 --> 00:48:00,829 when he tells him he had sex with Nikki Glaser. 1066 00:48:00,830 --> 00:48:01,829 Noted. 1067 00:48:01,830 --> 00:48:04,829 Well, there are so many celebrities here tonight. 1068 00:48:04,830 --> 00:48:09,829 We have men from movies, women from TV, and Lil Rel from, 1069 00:48:09,830 --> 00:48:12,459 I'm guessing, the California Raisins? 1070 00:48:12,460 --> 00:48:14,830 [ Laughter ] 1071 00:48:19,830 --> 00:48:23,829 Oh, and, now, the lovely Cybill Shepherd is here. 1072 00:48:23,830 --> 00:48:25,829 I remember years ago, 1073 00:48:25,830 --> 00:48:27,829 when I heard there was going to be a movie -- a TV movie -- 1074 00:48:27,830 --> 00:48:30,829 about me, I thought, "Oh, God, no," 1075 00:48:30,830 --> 00:48:33,829 because they're always so dreadful. 1076 00:48:33,830 --> 00:48:34,829 I was really nervous. 1077 00:48:34,830 --> 00:48:36,829 Well, you can imagine my relief 1078 00:48:36,830 --> 00:48:39,829 when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me. 1079 00:48:39,830 --> 00:48:42,829 I thought, "Cybill Shepherd? Great. 1080 00:48:42,830 --> 00:48:44,829 No one will see it." 1081 00:48:44,830 --> 00:48:46,830 [ Laughter ] 1082 00:48:48,830 --> 00:48:51,829 Now, Cybill, isn't it interesting that your career 1083 00:48:51,830 --> 00:48:55,829 basically ended after that role, 1084 00:48:55,830 --> 00:48:58,830 as if you'd offended someone, someone with power, 1085 00:48:59,830 --> 00:49:02,829 someone with vast resources and money. 1086 00:49:02,830 --> 00:49:06,829 Who could cook up such a plan? 1087 00:49:06,830 --> 00:49:10,829 Who could craft such a scheme? 1088 00:49:10,830 --> 00:49:12,829 It was me, bitch. 1089 00:49:12,830 --> 00:49:13,829 [ Laughter ] 1090 00:49:13,830 --> 00:49:16,830 [ Cheers and applause ] 1091 00:49:20,830 --> 00:49:22,829 Oh, hi, Bruce. 1092 00:49:22,830 --> 00:49:25,829 I have great respect for our honoree, 1093 00:49:25,830 --> 00:49:28,829 Bruce Willis, our roastee, 1094 00:49:28,830 --> 00:49:31,829 probably because I've never seen 1095 00:49:31,830 --> 00:49:33,829 any of the movies everybody's talking about. 1096 00:49:33,830 --> 00:49:36,829 [ Laughter ] 1097 00:49:36,830 --> 00:49:38,829 Unlike everyone here tonight, 1098 00:49:38,830 --> 00:49:41,829 I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music. 1099 00:49:41,830 --> 00:49:43,829 I play it at all my parties when it's late 1100 00:49:43,830 --> 00:49:46,829 and I want everyone to leave immediately. 1101 00:49:46,830 --> 00:49:49,829 [ Laughter ] 1102 00:49:49,830 --> 00:49:51,829 Bruce and I are actually neighbors. 1103 00:49:51,830 --> 00:49:52,829 We're in the same town, Bedford. 1104 00:49:52,830 --> 00:49:54,829 He has a wonderful house. 1105 00:49:54,830 --> 00:49:57,829 The interior design is amazing. 1106 00:49:57,830 --> 00:50:00,830 He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, 1107 00:50:01,830 --> 00:50:04,829 except his new wife. 1108 00:50:04,830 --> 00:50:07,829 I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding. 1109 00:50:07,830 --> 00:50:08,829 He hand-delivered the invitation, 1110 00:50:08,830 --> 00:50:11,829 and I told him, "I'll catch the next one." 1111 00:50:11,830 --> 00:50:13,830 [ Laughter ] 1112 00:50:15,830 --> 00:50:18,829 But all jokes aside, Bruce, I have to say that, 1113 00:50:18,830 --> 00:50:21,829 despite what everyone else has said about you tonight, 1114 00:50:21,830 --> 00:50:25,829 I think you are a good neighbor, a great actor, 1115 00:50:25,830 --> 00:50:29,829 and a very, very solid fuck buddy. 1116 00:50:29,830 --> 00:50:30,829 [ Laughter ] 1117 00:50:30,830 --> 00:50:32,829 See you tomorrow. Good night. 1118 00:50:32,830 --> 00:50:34,829 [ Cheers and applause ] 1119 00:50:34,830 --> 00:50:36,829 ♪♪ 1120 00:50:36,830 --> 00:50:39,830 Oh, darling, thank you. Thanks for coming. 1121 00:50:41,830 --> 00:50:43,829 - Martha Stewart killed it. - Hi, guys. 1122 00:50:43,830 --> 00:50:47,829 Coming up, Dom Irrera and Dennis Rodman. 1123 00:50:47,830 --> 00:50:50,830 Bruce, I'm coming for ya, baby. I'm coming for ya. 1124 00:50:52,830 --> 00:50:54,829 [ Cheers and applause ] 1125 00:50:54,830 --> 00:50:57,829 ♪♪ 1126 00:50:57,830 --> 00:51:01,829 Our next presenter is truly perspiring, Dom Irrera. 1127 00:51:01,830 --> 00:51:04,829 [ Cheers and applause ] 1128 00:51:04,830 --> 00:51:08,829 Dom is so old, he's not gonna get 1129 00:51:08,830 --> 00:51:10,829 He's gonna get 1130 00:51:10,830 --> 00:51:12,569 [ Laughter ] 1131 00:51:12,570 --> 00:51:14,569 Please welcome Dom Irrera. 1132 00:51:14,570 --> 00:51:16,569 [ Cheers and applause ] 1133 00:51:16,570 --> 00:51:23,569 ♪♪ 1134 00:51:23,570 --> 00:51:25,269 Wow. 1135 00:51:25,270 --> 00:51:27,269 I never thought I'd be spending a Saturday night thinking, 1136 00:51:27,270 --> 00:51:29,269 "Fuck, I hope I can follow Martha Stewart." 1137 00:51:29,270 --> 00:51:31,270 [ Laughter ] 1138 00:51:35,270 --> 00:51:37,269 And it was really good hearing Ed Norton 1139 00:51:37,270 --> 00:51:39,269 talk about himself so much. 1140 00:51:39,270 --> 00:51:41,269 I've never seen anybody roast somebody else 1141 00:51:41,270 --> 00:51:46,269 and talk about themselves with that kind of sincerity. 1142 00:51:46,270 --> 00:51:48,269 What an arrogant motherfucker he is. 1143 00:51:48,270 --> 00:51:50,269 Jesus Christ. 1144 00:51:50,270 --> 00:51:52,269 [ Laughter ] 1145 00:51:52,270 --> 00:51:55,269 I'd like to beat the fuck out of him. 1146 00:51:55,270 --> 00:51:58,269 [ Laughter ] 1147 00:51:58,270 --> 00:52:00,269 This skinny little prick, I met him in the hall. 1148 00:52:00,270 --> 00:52:02,269 He fuckin' blew me off. 1149 00:52:02,270 --> 00:52:04,269 I never liked your work. I never liked you. 1150 00:52:04,270 --> 00:52:08,269 And I got to tell you, it's an honor to meet you. 1151 00:52:08,270 --> 00:52:11,270 [ Laughter ] 1152 00:52:14,270 --> 00:52:15,269 Man. 1153 00:52:15,270 --> 00:52:18,269 [ Cheers and applause ] 1154 00:52:18,270 --> 00:52:20,269 Kevin Pollak -- I love Kevin Pollak. 1155 00:52:20,270 --> 00:52:21,269 You are amazing. 1156 00:52:21,270 --> 00:52:23,269 Ladies, think about it. 1157 00:52:23,270 --> 00:52:25,269 If you were Kevin's wife, you could fuck 1158 00:52:25,270 --> 00:52:27,269 a different celebrity every night 1159 00:52:27,270 --> 00:52:30,269 while he watches and jerks off. 1160 00:52:30,270 --> 00:52:33,269 Just picture that little, pathetic, little pool of jizz 1161 00:52:33,270 --> 00:52:37,269 on his Jewish stomach. 1162 00:52:37,270 --> 00:52:39,269 I can't say "Jew" without "bastard" at the end. 1163 00:52:39,270 --> 00:52:42,269 It's killing me in this town. 1164 00:52:42,270 --> 00:52:46,269 It's fuckin' killing me over here. 1165 00:52:46,270 --> 00:52:49,269 Edward Norton, Ed, hey, you did a movie called "Primal Fear." 1166 00:52:49,270 --> 00:52:51,269 It was named after the feeling he got 1167 00:52:51,270 --> 00:52:55,269 every time he banged Courtney Love without a condom. 1168 00:52:55,270 --> 00:52:56,269 It's a true story, ladies and gentlemen. 1169 00:52:56,270 --> 00:53:00,269 It this thing on? Is this on? 1170 00:53:00,270 --> 00:53:01,269 Actually, he dated Courtney Love, 1171 00:53:01,270 --> 00:53:03,269 but he never became famous enough 1172 00:53:03,270 --> 00:53:05,269 for her to have him murdered. 1173 00:53:05,270 --> 00:53:07,270 [ Audience groans ] 1174 00:53:11,270 --> 00:53:13,269 Cybill Shepherd, first of all, Cybill, 1175 00:53:13,270 --> 00:53:15,269 you did great coming up here. 1176 00:53:15,270 --> 00:53:16,269 You fuckin' -- 1177 00:53:16,270 --> 00:53:19,269 Your acting abil-- I'm serious. 1178 00:53:19,270 --> 00:53:22,269 And it's an honor to meet you. 1179 00:53:22,270 --> 00:53:24,269 In her first film, "Last Picture Show," 1180 00:53:24,270 --> 00:53:25,269 Cybill had sex with the star, 1181 00:53:25,270 --> 00:53:27,270 the director, the producer, and the writer. 1182 00:53:28,270 --> 00:53:30,269 Today, we call that a "Me Four." 1183 00:53:30,270 --> 00:53:32,269 [ Laughter ] 1184 00:53:32,270 --> 00:53:35,269 Jeff Ross, good to see you. 1185 00:53:35,270 --> 00:53:36,269 I'm kidding. 1186 00:53:36,270 --> 00:53:38,269 [ Laughter ] 1187 00:53:38,270 --> 00:53:39,269 Look at your face. 1188 00:53:39,270 --> 00:53:43,269 What kind of God would let that happen? 1189 00:53:43,270 --> 00:53:44,269 Jeff just bought a new house 1190 00:53:44,270 --> 00:53:47,269 and staffed it with three personal chefs. 1191 00:53:47,270 --> 00:53:49,269 First two died of exhaustion. 1192 00:53:49,270 --> 00:53:51,269 [ Laughter ] 1193 00:53:51,270 --> 00:53:53,269 Lil Rel -- I've been sitting next to Lil Rel all night. 1194 00:53:53,270 --> 00:53:54,269 I'm glad I met this guy. 1195 00:53:54,270 --> 00:53:57,269 This guy is finally getting the recognition he deserves. 1196 00:53:57,270 --> 00:53:59,269 Yesterday, he walked into a Starbucks, 1197 00:53:59,270 --> 00:54:01,269 and the manager yelled, "Get Out." 1198 00:54:01,270 --> 00:54:05,269 [ Laughter ] 1199 00:54:05,270 --> 00:54:08,269 I got a million of them! 1200 00:54:08,270 --> 00:54:09,269 All right, okay, okay. 1201 00:54:09,270 --> 00:54:12,269 That's it with me roasting the people I know and don't know. 1202 00:54:12,270 --> 00:54:15,269 Now I got to talk about you. 1203 00:54:15,270 --> 00:54:16,269 Congratulations on the roast, man, 1204 00:54:16,270 --> 00:54:20,269 and Comedy Central roasts only the best people, like you, 1205 00:54:20,270 --> 00:54:25,269 Donald Trump, that guy from "Baywatch." 1206 00:54:25,270 --> 00:54:28,269 Bruce, I see you now, and I see your beautiful daughters, 1207 00:54:28,270 --> 00:54:29,269 and I'm so proud of you. 1208 00:54:29,270 --> 00:54:31,269 I'm so proud of you. I remember when we had nothing. 1209 00:54:31,270 --> 00:54:35,269 And we would go to your house and take a bath together, 1210 00:54:35,270 --> 00:54:37,269 and we would -- we loved each other. 1211 00:54:37,270 --> 00:54:39,269 We would wash each other's taints, 1212 00:54:39,270 --> 00:54:43,269 and I always made sure that your taint was taut 1213 00:54:43,270 --> 00:54:47,269 before you went out. 1214 00:54:47,270 --> 00:54:49,269 Bruce wasn't even the best actor in his house. 1215 00:54:49,270 --> 00:54:50,269 Demi Moore was. 1216 00:54:50,270 --> 00:54:52,269 [ Cheers and applause ] 1217 00:54:52,270 --> 00:54:54,269 You know, and it's funny. 1218 00:54:54,270 --> 00:54:56,269 I see you, and I see you with your daughters, 1219 00:54:56,270 --> 00:54:58,269 and I see the love, and they're such beautiful girls, 1220 00:54:58,270 --> 00:55:01,269 and I think about how you never hear a father 1221 00:55:01,270 --> 00:55:03,269 brag about his daughter's sexual prowess. 1222 00:55:03,270 --> 00:55:05,269 You know, they always brag about, "My son's a buck. 1223 00:55:05,270 --> 00:55:06,269 He's a stud. 1224 00:55:06,270 --> 00:55:08,269 Freshman year of college, he nailed everybody. 1225 00:55:08,270 --> 00:55:11,269 Boys, girls, dogs, he didn't give a fuck." 1226 00:55:11,270 --> 00:55:13,269 You ever hear a father brag about his daughter? 1227 00:55:13,270 --> 00:55:14,269 "You hear that up there? Listen to that. 1228 00:55:14,270 --> 00:55:17,269 That's my daughter taking on 10 guys. 1229 00:55:17,270 --> 00:55:19,269 Yeah, that's my baby. That's our youngest. 1230 00:55:19,270 --> 00:55:22,269 She always loved cock. The bigger, the better. 1231 00:55:22,270 --> 00:55:24,269 She always had men lined up around the block. 1232 00:55:24,270 --> 00:55:26,269 Guys tag-teaming her from behind, 1233 00:55:26,270 --> 00:55:28,269 high-fiving over her jizz-filled back, 1234 00:55:28,270 --> 00:55:29,269 dropping loads in her ears. 1235 00:55:29,270 --> 00:55:31,269 She couldn't hear them. 1236 00:55:31,270 --> 00:55:32,269 What can I tell you, huh? 1237 00:55:32,270 --> 00:55:36,269 She's just like her mother, that kid." 1238 00:55:36,270 --> 00:55:38,269 Thank you. I love you. 1239 00:55:38,270 --> 00:55:40,269 - Should I do more? - Oh, my God. 1240 00:55:40,270 --> 00:55:42,269 No, you're killing me. 1241 00:55:42,270 --> 00:55:44,269 - Thank you. I love you. - I love you, too. 1242 00:55:44,270 --> 00:55:46,269 Oh, my God. 1243 00:55:46,270 --> 00:55:49,269 Coming up, Jeff Ross, Dennis Rodman... 1244 00:55:49,270 --> 00:55:51,269 Little Kim wants you to sign something. 1245 00:55:51,270 --> 00:55:54,269 I thought Lil' Kim had big tits and black. 1246 00:55:54,270 --> 00:55:57,269 ...and a special appearance by Demi Moore. 1247 00:55:57,270 --> 00:55:59,269 Surprise! 1248 00:55:59,270 --> 00:56:03,759 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 1249 00:56:03,760 --> 00:56:05,759 [ Cheers and applause ] 1250 00:56:05,760 --> 00:56:08,759 ♪♪ 1251 00:56:08,760 --> 00:56:11,759 All right, our next roaster is Dennis Rodman. 1252 00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:14,759 [ Cheers and applause ] 1253 00:56:14,760 --> 00:56:16,759 They call him "The Worm" 1254 00:56:16,760 --> 00:56:19,759 because he's always on the sidewalk after it rains. 1255 00:56:19,760 --> 00:56:21,759 [ Laughter ] 1256 00:56:21,760 --> 00:56:23,759 You can see him on "Celebrity Rehab" 1257 00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:25,759 or flying coach to North Korea. 1258 00:56:25,760 --> 00:56:28,759 Please welcome Dennis Rodman. 1259 00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:30,759 [ Cheers and applause ] 1260 00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:38,759 ♪♪ 1261 00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:40,759 Hi. I'm Dennis Rodman. 1262 00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:44,759 I'm the only guy on this stage has done some really cool shit. 1263 00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:47,759 Hey, Ed Norton. What's up, man? 1264 00:56:47,760 --> 00:56:52,759 Edward goes by "Edward" and not "Ed" because he is a real dick. 1265 00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:53,759 [ Laughter ] 1266 00:56:53,760 --> 00:56:57,759 Ed Norton was in three of my favorite things -- 1267 00:56:57,760 --> 00:57:00,759 "American History X," 1268 00:57:00,760 --> 00:57:03,759 "Fight Club," 1269 00:57:03,760 --> 00:57:04,759 and Salma Hayek. 1270 00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:08,759 [ Audience cheers ] 1271 00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:10,759 Martha Stewart, I see you right there, baby. 1272 00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:14,759 The next time you go to jail, please call me. 1273 00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:16,759 I will secure your release. 1274 00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:19,759 [ Laughter ] 1275 00:57:19,760 --> 00:57:22,759 And look at that guy over there, Lil Rel. 1276 00:57:22,760 --> 00:57:24,759 Looking like fuckin' David Ortiz bobblehead. 1277 00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:27,760 [ Laughter ] 1278 00:57:29,760 --> 00:57:31,759 Cybill, I see you over there, baby. 1279 00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:32,759 I see you. 1280 00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:34,759 Cybill Shepherd -- 1281 00:57:34,760 --> 00:57:36,759 It sounds like a disease that you get 1282 00:57:36,760 --> 00:57:38,759 when you're fucking a sheep. 1283 00:57:38,760 --> 00:57:40,760 [ Laughter ] 1284 00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:45,759 Jeff Ross -- 1285 00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:51,759 Jeff's dick is so small, it looks like a hat for his nuts. 1286 00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:54,759 [ Laughter ] 1287 00:57:54,760 --> 00:57:57,759 People have been calling Joseph a pussy all night. 1288 00:57:57,760 --> 00:58:00,759 If one more person calls Joseph a pussy again, 1289 00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:03,759 I'm going to lick him for 20 minutes. 1290 00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:05,760 [ Laughter ] 1291 00:58:07,760 --> 00:58:11,759 [ Laughs ] 1292 00:58:11,760 --> 00:58:14,759 Bruce Willis, the last time I saw you was in the strip club. 1293 00:58:14,760 --> 00:58:17,759 - You remember that? - I do. 1294 00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:19,759 Yes, yes, you do. 1295 00:58:19,760 --> 00:58:22,759 And, Nikki, you was great on the stage, baby. 1296 00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,760 Thank you. 1297 00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:29,759 Bruce, you keep making these fucking bombs. 1298 00:58:29,760 --> 00:58:33,759 But guess what. So does Kim Jong-un. 1299 00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:38,759 But at least Kim is smart enough not to release his. 1300 00:58:38,760 --> 00:58:40,759 [ Laughter ] 1301 00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:42,759 I'm out there saving the world. 1302 00:58:42,760 --> 00:58:46,759 You can't even save Planet Hollywood. 1303 00:58:46,760 --> 00:58:48,759 Bruce came up with this whole idea 1304 00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:50,759 about the Planet Hollywood, you know? 1305 00:58:50,760 --> 00:58:51,759 He wanted to compete with the Hard Rock. 1306 00:58:51,760 --> 00:58:54,759 That was a great fuckin' idea, wasn't it? 1307 00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:58,759 So, anyway, he want all his Hollywood friends to invest. 1308 00:58:58,760 --> 00:58:59,759 He put in hundreds of thousands of dollars. 1309 00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:01,759 I put in a lot of damn money. 1310 00:59:01,760 --> 00:59:04,759 You owe me more money than my fuckin' family. 1311 00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:05,759 [ Laughter ] 1312 00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:07,759 I'm not here to roast you. 1313 00:59:07,760 --> 00:59:09,759 I'm here to collect, honey. 1314 00:59:09,760 --> 00:59:11,760 [ Cheers and applause ] 1315 00:59:16,760 --> 00:59:20,759 Bruce, you made a lot of bad decisions in your life, 1316 00:59:20,760 --> 00:59:22,759 and that's coming from me. 1317 00:59:22,760 --> 00:59:24,759 [ Laughter ] 1318 00:59:24,760 --> 00:59:27,759 I broke my dick three times. 1319 00:59:27,760 --> 00:59:29,759 I fucked Madonna without a condom. 1320 00:59:29,760 --> 00:59:32,759 I even married myself 1321 00:59:32,760 --> 00:59:36,759 and still somehow lost half of my fuckin' money in divorce. 1322 00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:38,759 [ Laughter ] 1323 00:59:38,760 --> 00:59:42,759 Bruce, thank you very much for inviting me to your roast. 1324 00:59:42,760 --> 00:59:44,759 It's amazing, man. You know what? 1325 00:59:44,760 --> 00:59:47,759 You have done so much for this industry, and you -- 1326 00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:50,759 I always get emotional and shit, right? 1327 00:59:50,760 --> 00:59:53,759 [ Cheers and applause ] 1328 00:59:53,760 --> 00:59:55,760 I'm just -- 1329 01:00:00,760 --> 01:00:03,759 Little hot, little hot, little hot. 1330 01:00:03,760 --> 01:00:05,759 Little hot. Little hot, guys. 1331 01:00:05,760 --> 01:00:06,759 It's just the light. 1332 01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:07,759 - It's the light. - Go, Dennis! 1333 01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:10,759 But anyway, Bruce, you've done so much for this industry, 1334 01:00:10,760 --> 01:00:12,759 especially for people like us, 1335 01:00:12,760 --> 01:00:14,759 as men, that we don't have the opportunity 1336 01:00:14,760 --> 01:00:17,759 and the courage to face it when we're wrong 1337 01:00:17,760 --> 01:00:19,759 and we make that bad decision, 1338 01:00:19,760 --> 01:00:20,760 but we have a beautiful family, 1339 01:00:21,760 --> 01:00:23,759 and your kids have to stand by you. 1340 01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:25,759 Thank you for having me, brother. 1341 01:00:25,760 --> 01:00:27,760 [ Cheers and applause ] 1342 01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:30,759 - You did great. - I almost died. 1343 01:00:30,760 --> 01:00:32,759 That's great. No, you did great. 1344 01:00:32,760 --> 01:00:33,760 That was tough. 1345 01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:39,759 All right, so listen. 1346 01:00:39,760 --> 01:00:45,759 We actually just got word that a surprise guest has stopped by. 1347 01:00:45,760 --> 01:00:47,759 [ Cheers and applause ] 1348 01:00:47,760 --> 01:00:49,759 Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore. 1349 01:00:49,760 --> 01:00:51,759 [ Cheers and applause ] 1350 01:00:51,760 --> 01:00:59,759 ♪♪ 1351 01:00:59,760 --> 01:01:01,760 Whoo! 1352 01:01:04,760 --> 01:01:07,759 Thank you. 1353 01:01:07,760 --> 01:01:09,760 Surprise! 1354 01:01:11,760 --> 01:01:13,760 Thank you. 1355 01:01:16,760 --> 01:01:19,759 Are you surprised? 1356 01:01:19,760 --> 01:01:21,759 Are you surprised, Bruce Willis? 1357 01:01:21,760 --> 01:01:22,759 - Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be. 1358 01:01:22,760 --> 01:01:24,759 I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday, 1359 01:01:24,760 --> 01:01:26,759 I knew he'd forget. 1360 01:01:26,760 --> 01:01:29,759 [ Laughter ] 1361 01:01:29,760 --> 01:01:33,759 So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Demi Moore. 1362 01:01:33,760 --> 01:01:36,759 [ Cheers and applause ] 1363 01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:38,759 I was married to Bruce Willis 1364 01:01:38,760 --> 01:01:41,759 for the first three "Die Hard" movies, 1365 01:01:41,760 --> 01:01:44,759 which makes sense, because the last two sucked. 1366 01:01:44,760 --> 01:01:46,759 [ Laughter ] 1367 01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:49,759 After all these years, I have to say, you know what? 1368 01:01:49,760 --> 01:01:50,759 You look good. 1369 01:01:50,760 --> 01:01:54,759 I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up. 1370 01:01:54,760 --> 01:01:57,759 But we had some great times together. 1371 01:01:57,760 --> 01:01:59,759 I mean, we shared a lot. 1372 01:01:59,760 --> 01:02:03,759 I had three beautiful, amazing children. 1373 01:02:03,760 --> 01:02:05,759 [ Cheers and applause ] 1374 01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,760 Four if you count Bruce. 1375 01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:10,759 And then there's the dogs and Ashton, 1376 01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:12,759 so it's like six, but you know. 1377 01:02:12,760 --> 01:02:16,759 I mean, and, of course, you know, like, we did argue 1378 01:02:16,760 --> 01:02:20,759 over the kids' names, and in the end, Bruce won. 1379 01:02:20,760 --> 01:02:22,759 That's how they got stuck with "Willis." 1380 01:02:22,760 --> 01:02:24,759 [ Laughter ] 1381 01:02:24,760 --> 01:02:28,759 But I have to say, our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, 1382 01:02:28,760 --> 01:02:30,759 considering two of them are half Bruce Willis. 1383 01:02:30,760 --> 01:02:32,759 [ Laughter ] 1384 01:02:32,760 --> 01:02:36,759 But let me just say, he is a great father. 1385 01:02:36,760 --> 01:02:37,759 I mean, seriously. 1386 01:02:37,760 --> 01:02:41,759 I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls 1387 01:02:41,760 --> 01:02:45,759 go make him his special coffee with "medicine," 1388 01:02:45,760 --> 01:02:47,759 I mean, he would come down the chimney 1389 01:02:47,760 --> 01:02:50,759 in the wife-beater T-shirt, 1390 01:02:50,760 --> 01:02:54,759 waving that gun, saying, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers!" 1391 01:02:54,760 --> 01:02:55,759 Yeah! 1392 01:02:55,760 --> 01:02:58,759 And, man, I mean, that's what he's always called them, 1393 01:02:58,760 --> 01:03:02,759 and they just -- they just love his tag lines. 1394 01:03:02,760 --> 01:03:05,759 I mean, but what you might not know -- 1395 01:03:05,760 --> 01:03:08,759 Bruce is super -- I mean, really generous. 1396 01:03:08,760 --> 01:03:12,759 I mean, when our daughter Rumer was a baby 1397 01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:14,759 and it was his turn to change the diaper 1398 01:03:14,760 --> 01:03:16,759 in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper, 1399 01:03:16,760 --> 01:03:18,759 and he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now 1400 01:03:18,760 --> 01:03:22,759 if you change that diaper." 1401 01:03:22,760 --> 01:03:27,759 Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well, the lawyer said, 1402 01:03:27,760 --> 01:03:28,759 "Don't worry. We'll take care of it. 1403 01:03:28,760 --> 01:03:31,759 We'll get it in the end." 1404 01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:35,759 And Scout -- Scout asked me not to say anything, 1405 01:03:35,760 --> 01:03:38,759 but just last week, he offered her $1,000 1406 01:03:38,760 --> 01:03:40,759 to change his diaper. 1407 01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:44,759 I mean, you know, some things never change. 1408 01:03:44,760 --> 01:03:46,759 They don't. 1409 01:03:46,760 --> 01:03:48,759 I mean, we were married -- let's see -- 1410 01:03:48,760 --> 01:03:54,759 almost 12 years, and that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years. 1411 01:03:54,760 --> 01:03:56,759 But I was there for some special moments. 1412 01:03:56,760 --> 01:03:59,759 Like, groundbreaking. When Bruce was -- 1413 01:03:59,760 --> 01:04:03,759 He got his career-breaking moment in "Pulp Fiction." 1414 01:04:03,760 --> 01:04:06,759 - Yeah. - I mean, it was... 1415 01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,759 It seemed really odd at the time. 1416 01:04:08,760 --> 01:04:12,759 I mean, he's big action star, like, doing a little indie film, 1417 01:04:12,760 --> 01:04:16,759 but Bruce went over to Harvey Weinstein's hotel, 1418 01:04:16,760 --> 01:04:18,759 and I don't know. 1419 01:04:18,760 --> 01:04:21,759 He came back swinging that ball gag, 1420 01:04:21,760 --> 01:04:24,759 and, man, he said, "I got the part." 1421 01:04:24,760 --> 01:04:26,759 [ Laughter ] 1422 01:04:26,760 --> 01:04:28,759 I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part. 1423 01:04:28,760 --> 01:04:32,759 Like, I know that I have dyed and cut and styled my hair 1424 01:04:32,760 --> 01:04:36,759 I can't tell you -- a million ways, but not Bruce. 1425 01:04:36,760 --> 01:04:39,759 I mean, that's his real hair. 1426 01:04:39,760 --> 01:04:44,759 And, ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes. 1427 01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:47,759 [ Laughter, cheering ] 1428 01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:50,759 I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there. 1429 01:04:50,760 --> 01:04:54,759 I'm just saying whichever place you look, it looks like a dick. 1430 01:04:54,760 --> 01:04:58,759 [ Laughter ] 1431 01:04:58,760 --> 01:04:59,759 You know, after our divorce, 1432 01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:03,059 he said that he considered the end of our marriage 1433 01:05:03,060 --> 01:05:05,759 his biggest failure. 1434 01:05:05,760 --> 01:05:08,759 But, Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself. 1435 01:05:08,760 --> 01:05:10,759 You have had much bigger failures. 1436 01:05:10,760 --> 01:05:13,759 I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawk," 1437 01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:15,759 "Striking Distance." 1438 01:05:15,760 --> 01:05:18,759 Come on, campaigning for Michael Dukakis. 1439 01:05:18,760 --> 01:05:23,759 I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven" 1440 01:05:23,760 --> 01:05:25,759 to focus on playing the harmonica. 1441 01:05:25,760 --> 01:05:27,759 I mean... 1442 01:05:27,760 --> 01:05:32,759 I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show, so... 1443 01:05:32,760 --> 01:05:33,759 But you know what? 1444 01:05:33,760 --> 01:05:36,759 I look back over all the years that we've had together. 1445 01:05:36,760 --> 01:05:39,759 We certainly had our ups and downs, but I have to say, 1446 01:05:39,760 --> 01:05:43,759 those were some of the best times of my life. 1447 01:05:43,760 --> 01:05:47,759 I just look at our marriage like "The Sixth Sense." 1448 01:05:47,760 --> 01:05:49,759 You were dead the whole time. 1449 01:05:49,760 --> 01:05:52,759 [ Laughter ] 1450 01:05:52,760 --> 01:05:54,759 All kidding aside -- 1451 01:05:54,760 --> 01:05:58,759 Truly, all kidding aside, I'm really honored to be here. 1452 01:05:58,760 --> 01:06:01,759 You are someone I truly care about. 1453 01:06:01,760 --> 01:06:05,759 You will always have a special place in my heart. 1454 01:06:05,760 --> 01:06:07,759 I'm so grateful that you're in my life 1455 01:06:07,760 --> 01:06:09,759 and our children's lives, 1456 01:06:09,760 --> 01:06:11,759 and no matter what, you will always be family. 1457 01:06:11,760 --> 01:06:14,759 You've been a great friend, a great father, 1458 01:06:14,760 --> 01:06:18,389 and easily one of my top three husbands. 1459 01:06:18,390 --> 01:06:21,759 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 1460 01:06:21,760 --> 01:06:22,759 Thank you. 1461 01:06:22,760 --> 01:06:24,759 Good night. 1462 01:06:24,760 --> 01:06:27,760 Oh, baby. 1463 01:06:29,760 --> 01:06:30,759 - Was that all right? - Oh, terrific. 1464 01:06:30,760 --> 01:06:32,759 It was fucking great. 1465 01:06:32,760 --> 01:06:34,759 Hi, Kevin Pollak. 1466 01:06:34,760 --> 01:06:36,759 Oh, my God. 1467 01:06:36,760 --> 01:06:38,759 Coming up, Jeff Ross... 1468 01:06:38,760 --> 01:06:41,759 Me roast you long time, motherfucker! 1469 01:06:41,760 --> 01:06:43,759 ...and Bruce Willis. 1470 01:06:43,760 --> 01:06:45,760 He's a brave man or he needs the money. 1471 01:06:46,820 --> 01:06:47,819 [ Cheers and applause ] 1472 01:06:47,820 --> 01:06:52,819 ♪♪ 1473 01:06:52,820 --> 01:06:56,819 Our next roaster is the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. 1474 01:06:56,820 --> 01:06:59,819 [ Cheers and applause ] 1475 01:06:59,820 --> 01:07:02,819 He's done 14 Comedy Central roasts, 1476 01:07:02,820 --> 01:07:04,819 because if you do 15, you get a free pizza. 1477 01:07:04,820 --> 01:07:06,819 [ Laughter ] 1478 01:07:06,820 --> 01:07:09,819 Jeff will be on the season premiere of "Roast Battle" 1479 01:07:09,820 --> 01:07:12,819 after this broadcast, so if you want to see 1480 01:07:12,820 --> 01:07:16,819 how much fatter he gets by then, check it out. 1481 01:07:16,820 --> 01:07:18,819 Please welcome Jeff Ross! 1482 01:07:18,820 --> 01:07:20,819 [ Cheers and applause ] 1483 01:07:20,820 --> 01:07:25,819 ♪♪ 1484 01:07:25,820 --> 01:07:27,819 Happy roast, everyone. 1485 01:07:27,820 --> 01:07:28,819 [ Cheers and applause ] 1486 01:07:28,820 --> 01:07:31,819 Look at this beautiful crowd. 1487 01:07:31,820 --> 01:07:37,819 Tonight, we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel. 1488 01:07:37,820 --> 01:07:39,819 Bruce is a real man's man. 1489 01:07:39,820 --> 01:07:42,819 He told me numerous times not to hold back tonight, 1490 01:07:42,820 --> 01:07:45,819 and it's been great getting to know you and your lovely family, 1491 01:07:45,820 --> 01:07:48,819 and I see -- I met Rumer, your daughter. 1492 01:07:48,820 --> 01:07:50,819 Hi, Rumer. 1493 01:07:50,820 --> 01:07:52,819 I guess that's the name your mom gives you 1494 01:07:52,820 --> 01:07:55,819 when she's not 100% sure who your father is. 1495 01:07:55,820 --> 01:07:57,820 [ Laughter ] 1496 01:08:01,820 --> 01:08:02,819 Get a shot of that whole table. 1497 01:08:02,820 --> 01:08:05,819 It's the beautiful circle of life, Bruce. 1498 01:08:05,820 --> 01:08:07,819 Your family looks like all the villains you killed off 1499 01:08:07,820 --> 01:08:09,819 in the "Die Hard" movies. 1500 01:08:09,820 --> 01:08:12,819 [ Laughter ] 1501 01:08:12,820 --> 01:08:13,819 What a legend. 1502 01:08:13,820 --> 01:08:14,819 Bruce Willis has been fighting terrorists 1503 01:08:14,820 --> 01:08:16,819 since before they were Arab. 1504 01:08:16,820 --> 01:08:18,820 [ Laughter ] 1505 01:08:21,820 --> 01:08:25,819 Bruce Willis is pro-gun, pro-flag, and Propecia. 1506 01:08:25,820 --> 01:08:28,819 [ Laughter ] 1507 01:08:28,820 --> 01:08:30,819 Bruce Willis, you love your country so much, 1508 01:08:30,820 --> 01:08:32,819 he once said that if the people wanted it, 1509 01:08:32,820 --> 01:08:35,819 he might even run for president someday. 1510 01:08:35,820 --> 01:08:38,819 I'd make fun of you for having political aspirations, 1511 01:08:38,820 --> 01:08:39,819 but the last time I did that, 1512 01:08:39,820 --> 01:08:41,819 the fucker actually became president. 1513 01:08:41,820 --> 01:08:44,819 [ Laughter ] 1514 01:08:44,820 --> 01:08:46,819 All night, people are saying I look like you, 1515 01:08:46,820 --> 01:08:49,819 but Cybill Shepherd looks like Bruce Jenner-Willis. 1516 01:08:49,820 --> 01:08:51,820 [ Audience groans ] 1517 01:08:58,820 --> 01:08:59,819 And Lil Rel -- 1518 01:08:59,820 --> 01:09:03,819 Lil Rel looks like Bruce "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" 1519 01:09:03,820 --> 01:09:05,820 [ Laughter ] 1520 01:09:11,820 --> 01:09:14,819 Bruce Willis, you, my friend, are a total original. 1521 01:09:14,820 --> 01:09:19,819 How is it possible to look like a Nazi and a Holocaust victim? 1522 01:09:19,820 --> 01:09:21,819 You look like Sir Patrick Stewart 1523 01:09:21,820 --> 01:09:23,819 if he operated a Ferris wheel. 1524 01:09:23,820 --> 01:09:25,820 [ Laughter ] 1525 01:09:32,820 --> 01:09:35,819 How the fuck are you a movie star? 1526 01:09:35,820 --> 01:09:38,820 You look like a bouncer at a nursing home. 1527 01:09:40,820 --> 01:09:43,819 You're like Elmer Fudd if he hunted bad scripts 1528 01:09:43,820 --> 01:09:45,819 instead of wascally wabbits. 1529 01:09:45,820 --> 01:09:48,819 [ Laughter ] 1530 01:09:48,820 --> 01:09:51,819 This fucking guy. 1531 01:09:51,820 --> 01:09:54,819 Bruce Willis wants an Oscar so fucking bad, 1532 01:09:54,820 --> 01:09:57,819 he's slowly morphing into one. 1533 01:09:57,820 --> 01:09:59,820 [ Laughter ] 1534 01:10:02,820 --> 01:10:04,819 It's crazy. 1535 01:10:04,820 --> 01:10:06,819 He went from being Hollywood's leading man 1536 01:10:06,820 --> 01:10:09,819 to Demi Moore looking at you and saying, "You know what? 1537 01:10:09,820 --> 01:10:12,819 I'd rather fuck the dumb guy from "Dude, Where's My Car?" 1538 01:10:12,820 --> 01:10:14,820 [ Laughter ] 1539 01:10:18,820 --> 01:10:20,819 But, Bruce, we all wish you luck with your lawsuit 1540 01:10:20,820 --> 01:10:22,819 against the Blue Man Group. 1541 01:10:22,820 --> 01:10:24,820 [ Laughter ] 1542 01:10:28,820 --> 01:10:31,819 This is so much fun. I mean, Bruce is such a star. 1543 01:10:31,820 --> 01:10:35,819 You've been in some of the most iconic scenes in cinema history. 1544 01:10:35,820 --> 01:10:37,819 My favorite scene in "Pulp Fiction" 1545 01:10:37,820 --> 01:10:41,819 when you saved the guy from getting fucked in the ass. 1546 01:10:41,820 --> 01:10:43,819 Hey, Dennis, at that point in the movie, were you like, 1547 01:10:43,820 --> 01:10:45,819 "Wait, who's the bad guy again?" 1548 01:10:45,820 --> 01:10:47,820 [ Laughter ] 1549 01:10:49,820 --> 01:10:51,819 What the fuck? 1550 01:10:51,820 --> 01:10:53,819 Of course, your most recent film was a big bomb. 1551 01:10:53,820 --> 01:10:58,099 "Death Wish" -- what a fuckin' stinker, Bruce. 1552 01:10:58,100 --> 01:11:00,099 You looked like you did your own stunts 1553 01:11:00,100 --> 01:11:03,099 and your own lighting, editing, and directing. 1554 01:11:03,100 --> 01:11:05,099 [ Laughter ] 1555 01:11:05,100 --> 01:11:06,099 Whew! 1556 01:11:06,100 --> 01:11:07,099 How about a hand for tonight's host, 1557 01:11:07,100 --> 01:11:09,099 Joseph "Boredom" Levitt. 1558 01:11:09,100 --> 01:11:12,099 [ Cheers and applause ] 1559 01:11:12,100 --> 01:11:14,099 JGL! 1560 01:11:14,100 --> 01:11:16,269 Joseph Gordon-Levitt -- 1561 01:11:16,270 --> 01:11:20,099 the only three words more boring than gluten-free cracker. 1562 01:11:20,100 --> 01:11:22,100 [ Laughter ] 1563 01:11:25,430 --> 01:11:26,429 Thanks for dressing up, Joseph. 1564 01:11:26,430 --> 01:11:29,429 You look like a lesbian on the way to prom. 1565 01:11:29,430 --> 01:11:31,430 [ Laughter ] 1566 01:11:34,430 --> 01:11:35,429 Yeah. 1567 01:11:35,430 --> 01:11:37,429 Joseph starred in "3rd Rock from the Sun," 1568 01:11:37,430 --> 01:11:40,429 and Dennis Rodman smoked three rocks in front of his son. 1569 01:11:40,430 --> 01:11:42,430 [ Laughter ] 1570 01:11:44,430 --> 01:11:45,429 Yeah, why not? 1571 01:11:45,430 --> 01:11:47,429 Give it up for our next Secretary of State, 1572 01:11:47,430 --> 01:11:49,429 my man Dennis Rodman. 1573 01:11:49,430 --> 01:11:51,430 [ Cheers and applause ] 1574 01:11:54,430 --> 01:11:56,429 You think Kim Jong-un is a nice guy, 1575 01:11:56,430 --> 01:11:58,429 and he thinks you're Scottie Pippen. 1576 01:11:58,430 --> 01:12:02,430 [ Laughter, applause ] 1577 01:12:09,430 --> 01:12:11,429 My pal Lil Rel is here. 1578 01:12:11,430 --> 01:12:13,429 [ Cheers and applause ] 1579 01:12:13,430 --> 01:12:15,429 So happy for you, buddy. So happy. 1580 01:12:15,430 --> 01:12:18,429 Congrats on all your success and your newest film, 1581 01:12:18,430 --> 01:12:21,429 "Angry Birds 2." 1582 01:12:21,430 --> 01:12:23,429 Good to see you're not selling out. 1583 01:12:23,430 --> 01:12:25,429 [ Laughter ] 1584 01:12:25,430 --> 01:12:27,429 What do you play, Jim Crow? 1585 01:12:27,430 --> 01:12:29,430 [ Audience groans ] 1586 01:12:34,430 --> 01:12:37,429 Great to see Cybill Shepherd again. 1587 01:12:37,430 --> 01:12:38,429 And just like most shepherds, 1588 01:12:38,430 --> 01:12:41,429 Cybill hasn't worked much in the last two centuries. 1589 01:12:41,430 --> 01:12:43,429 [ Laughter ] 1590 01:12:43,430 --> 01:12:45,429 Okay. 1591 01:12:45,430 --> 01:12:48,429 Cybill had an affair with Elvis. How cool, man. 1592 01:12:48,430 --> 01:12:50,429 Years after their affair, 1593 01:12:50,430 --> 01:12:52,429 Cybill revealed that Elvis went down on you. 1594 01:12:52,430 --> 01:12:55,429 Is that true? Yeah. 1595 01:12:55,430 --> 01:12:57,429 All right. 1596 01:12:57,430 --> 01:12:59,429 Hell yeah! 1597 01:12:59,430 --> 01:13:00,429 Wow. 1598 01:13:00,430 --> 01:13:04,429 You'd think a hound dog would have a better sense of smell. 1599 01:13:04,430 --> 01:13:06,429 [ Audience groans ] 1600 01:13:06,430 --> 01:13:08,429 Oh, my God! 1601 01:13:08,430 --> 01:13:10,429 And speaking of moonlighting, 1602 01:13:10,430 --> 01:13:13,429 Dom Irrera had to cancel two shifts at Macaroni Grill 1603 01:13:13,430 --> 01:13:14,429 to be here. 1604 01:13:14,430 --> 01:13:16,430 [ Laughter ] 1605 01:13:18,430 --> 01:13:21,429 [ Laughs ] 1606 01:13:21,430 --> 01:13:24,429 Dom Irrera is what you look like right before you say, 1607 01:13:24,430 --> 01:13:28,429 "Tomorrow, I'm starting a juice cleanse." 1608 01:13:28,430 --> 01:13:31,429 True. That's right. 1609 01:13:31,430 --> 01:13:32,429 Kevin Pollak, I love you, man, 1610 01:13:32,430 --> 01:13:34,429 but that Christopher Walken impression is so old, 1611 01:13:34,430 --> 01:13:37,429 Ashton Kutcher tried to marry it. 1612 01:13:37,430 --> 01:13:39,430 [ Laughter ] 1613 01:13:42,430 --> 01:13:44,429 Love you, Kevin. Sit tight. 1614 01:13:44,430 --> 01:13:47,430 You're gonna be big whenever Paul Giamatti dies. 1615 01:13:52,430 --> 01:13:54,429 - Bruce. - Yes? 1616 01:13:54,430 --> 01:13:55,429 You've accomplished so much, buddy, 1617 01:13:55,430 --> 01:13:59,429 but I think it will always be your blockbuster "Armageddon" 1618 01:13:59,430 --> 01:14:03,429 that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career, 1619 01:14:03,430 --> 01:14:07,430 because in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock. 1620 01:14:09,430 --> 01:14:13,429 Us Jersey boys are raised to have thick skin, 1621 01:14:13,430 --> 01:14:15,429 so I knew you'd be a great sport tonight, 1622 01:14:15,430 --> 01:14:18,429 and I wish you continued success, good health, 1623 01:14:18,430 --> 01:14:20,429 and I can't wait to see your next project -- 1624 01:14:20,430 --> 01:14:23,429 "Die Hard 6: Natural Causes." 1625 01:14:23,430 --> 01:14:26,429 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 1626 01:14:26,430 --> 01:14:29,429 [ Laughs ] Oh, baby. 1627 01:14:29,430 --> 01:14:31,429 - Love you, buddy. - That was -- Love you, too. 1628 01:14:31,430 --> 01:14:33,429 - Oh, God. Unbelievable. - So fun. 1629 01:14:33,430 --> 01:14:36,429 - Knock 'em dead over there. - So much fun. 1630 01:14:36,430 --> 01:14:39,429 Jeff Ross just fucking destroyed. 1631 01:14:39,430 --> 01:14:42,429 Coming up, Bruce Willis with a vengeance. 1632 01:14:42,430 --> 01:14:43,889 Willis: People are gonna be crying. 1633 01:14:43,890 --> 01:14:45,429 They're gonna be laughing. 1634 01:14:45,430 --> 01:14:48,429 Apparently, they're gonna let people drink. 1635 01:14:48,430 --> 01:14:50,430 Do you think that's gonna be a problem? 1636 01:14:51,460 --> 01:14:53,459 [ Cheers and applause ] 1637 01:14:53,460 --> 01:14:56,459 ♪♪ 1638 01:14:56,460 --> 01:14:59,459 Give it up for the unbreakable, unmistakable, 1639 01:14:59,460 --> 01:15:01,459 rippin-est, rockin-est the Hudson Hawken-est. 1640 01:15:01,460 --> 01:15:02,459 He's the man of the hour, 1641 01:15:02,460 --> 01:15:06,459 from the Nakatomi Tower, Bruce Willis! 1642 01:15:06,460 --> 01:15:09,459 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 1643 01:15:09,460 --> 01:15:15,459 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot, na-na-na oh ♪ 1644 01:15:15,460 --> 01:15:17,460 ♪ Respect yourself 1645 01:15:19,460 --> 01:15:20,459 ♪ Respect yourself 1646 01:15:20,460 --> 01:15:23,460 [ Cheers and applause ] 1647 01:15:25,460 --> 01:15:27,459 Willis: Whoo! 1648 01:15:27,460 --> 01:15:29,459 Come out to the roast. 1649 01:15:29,460 --> 01:15:33,459 We'll get together and have a few laughs. 1650 01:15:33,460 --> 01:15:35,459 If you're fan of Bruce Willis movies, 1651 01:15:35,460 --> 01:15:38,459 and I know that you are... 1652 01:15:38,460 --> 01:15:40,945 then you know how this works. 1653 01:15:40,947 --> 01:15:43,946 I get the shit beat out of me for about an hour and a half, 1654 01:15:43,947 --> 01:15:47,946 and then at the end, I come back and whip everybody's ass. 1655 01:15:47,947 --> 01:15:49,947 [ Cheers and applause ] 1656 01:15:52,947 --> 01:15:54,946 Out! 1657 01:15:54,947 --> 01:15:56,946 So, buckle up, bitches! 1658 01:15:56,947 --> 01:15:59,946 This is ass-whuppin' time! 1659 01:15:59,947 --> 01:16:01,946 [ Cheers and applause ] 1660 01:16:01,947 --> 01:16:03,946 That's what I'm talking about. 1661 01:16:03,947 --> 01:16:05,946 You know, in my action movies, 1662 01:16:05,947 --> 01:16:09,946 there's always some young punk trying to come at me, 1663 01:16:09,947 --> 01:16:13,947 and tonight, it's Judas Gordon-Levitt. 1664 01:16:15,947 --> 01:16:21,946 Joe, I took you under my wing, tried to make you tough, 1665 01:16:21,947 --> 01:16:23,946 tried to make you an action star, 1666 01:16:23,947 --> 01:16:25,946 which ain't easy to do with a kid 1667 01:16:25,947 --> 01:16:28,946 who looks like the bad boy of figure skating. 1668 01:16:28,947 --> 01:16:30,947 [ Laughter ] 1669 01:16:35,947 --> 01:16:38,946 Joseph played a younger me in "Looper." 1670 01:16:38,947 --> 01:16:39,946 Couldn't pull it off. 1671 01:16:39,947 --> 01:16:41,946 [ Laughter ] 1672 01:16:41,947 --> 01:16:45,946 There's only one actor who successfully played me. 1673 01:16:45,947 --> 01:16:47,946 It was Demi Moore. 1674 01:16:47,947 --> 01:16:49,946 [ Laughter ] 1675 01:16:49,947 --> 01:16:54,947 And she made a lot more money than you did, sweetheart. 1676 01:16:55,947 --> 01:16:57,947 Jeff Ross, how many of these roasts have you done? 1677 01:16:58,947 --> 01:16:59,946 Plenty. 1678 01:16:59,947 --> 01:17:01,946 You'll never get successful doing the same thing 1679 01:17:01,947 --> 01:17:04,946 over and over and over, Jeff. 1680 01:17:04,947 --> 01:17:07,116 I mean, I did, but you can't. 1681 01:17:07,117 --> 01:17:08,946 [ Laughter ] 1682 01:17:08,947 --> 01:17:10,946 I'll tell you who's a badass up here, 1683 01:17:10,947 --> 01:17:12,946 and that is my buddy Edward Norton. 1684 01:17:12,947 --> 01:17:14,946 Get the fuck up here! 1685 01:17:14,947 --> 01:17:18,946 "Fight Club" was the perfect movie for you. 1686 01:17:18,947 --> 01:17:20,946 Who doesn't want to watch Ed Norton 1687 01:17:20,947 --> 01:17:25,946 get punched in the face for about 90 minutes? 1688 01:17:25,947 --> 01:17:27,946 I love you, Ed. I do. 1689 01:17:27,947 --> 01:17:30,947 But you do have a rep in this town for being... 1690 01:17:31,947 --> 01:17:33,946 you know, hard to work with. 1691 01:17:33,947 --> 01:17:35,946 Norton's rubbed more people the wrong way 1692 01:17:35,947 --> 01:17:37,946 than Harvey Weinstein. 1693 01:17:37,947 --> 01:17:39,947 [ Laughter ] 1694 01:17:41,947 --> 01:17:44,246 Sorry. 1695 01:17:44,247 --> 01:17:46,946 But you were great in "The Italian Job." 1696 01:17:46,947 --> 01:17:48,946 [ Audience cheers ] 1697 01:17:48,947 --> 01:17:53,946 An Italian job is also when you titty fuck Dom Irrera. 1698 01:17:53,947 --> 01:17:56,946 [ Laughter ] 1699 01:17:56,947 --> 01:17:58,946 Lil Rel. Saw you in "Get Out." 1700 01:17:58,947 --> 01:18:00,946 Man, I love that movie. 1701 01:18:00,947 --> 01:18:03,946 If you haven't seen it, it's about how black people 1702 01:18:03,947 --> 01:18:06,946 are really rude house guests. 1703 01:18:06,947 --> 01:18:08,947 [ Laughter ] 1704 01:18:12,947 --> 01:18:16,946 And now I want to take on the toughest person up here -- 1705 01:18:16,947 --> 01:18:20,946 my friend ex-con Martha Stewart. 1706 01:18:20,947 --> 01:18:22,946 [ Cheers and applause ] 1707 01:18:22,947 --> 01:18:24,946 Yeah, baby. 1708 01:18:24,947 --> 01:18:26,946 If anyone can survive in prison, 1709 01:18:26,947 --> 01:18:29,946 it's someone who can toss a salad. 1710 01:18:29,947 --> 01:18:31,946 [ Audience cheers ] 1711 01:18:31,947 --> 01:18:32,946 That's right. 1712 01:18:32,947 --> 01:18:35,946 Martha's a real corporate kingpin. 1713 01:18:35,947 --> 01:18:38,946 She even has her own brand of wine. 1714 01:18:38,947 --> 01:18:42,946 It's like her boyfriend. It comes in an old box. 1715 01:18:42,947 --> 01:18:45,946 [ Laughter ] 1716 01:18:45,947 --> 01:18:48,946 Martha is also a humanitarian. 1717 01:18:48,947 --> 01:18:52,946 When she heard about the kids at the border living in tiny cages, 1718 01:18:52,947 --> 01:18:54,946 she sent them sewing machines. 1719 01:18:54,947 --> 01:18:57,946 [ Laughter ] 1720 01:18:57,947 --> 01:18:59,946 What's wrong with that? 1721 01:18:59,947 --> 01:19:02,946 Kevin Pollak, welcome to the party, pal. 1722 01:19:02,947 --> 01:19:06,946 You owe your whole career to the guys you impersonate. 1723 01:19:06,947 --> 01:19:10,946 You've made more money doing Schwarzenegger than his maid. 1724 01:19:10,947 --> 01:19:12,946 [ Laughter ] 1725 01:19:12,947 --> 01:19:16,947 And not to mention, you're better at cleaning houses. 1726 01:19:18,947 --> 01:19:21,946 Nikki Glaser, I am a big fan. 1727 01:19:21,947 --> 01:19:24,946 You and Vince Vaughn were great in "Wedding Crashers." 1728 01:19:24,947 --> 01:19:27,946 [ Laughter ] 1729 01:19:27,947 --> 01:19:29,946 I see it! 1730 01:19:29,947 --> 01:19:32,946 - I see it. - I'm sorry. 1731 01:19:32,947 --> 01:19:38,946 You know, Cybill Shepherd, my oldest friend. 1732 01:19:38,947 --> 01:19:39,946 There's people I've known longer, 1733 01:19:39,947 --> 01:19:43,946 but you are my oldest friend. 1734 01:19:43,947 --> 01:19:44,946 When I got cast in "Moonlighting," 1735 01:19:44,947 --> 01:19:47,946 they picked me over 3,000 other actors 1736 01:19:47,947 --> 01:19:49,946 because they wanted someone 1737 01:19:49,947 --> 01:19:52,946 who didn't have a sexual history with Cybill. 1738 01:19:52,947 --> 01:19:55,946 [ Laughter ] 1739 01:19:55,947 --> 01:19:58,946 It's so great to be back on TV with you, honey, 1740 01:19:58,947 --> 01:20:00,946 in another show starring me. 1741 01:20:00,947 --> 01:20:02,946 [ Laughter ] 1742 01:20:02,947 --> 01:20:04,946 I'm so sorry. 1743 01:20:04,947 --> 01:20:06,946 Sorry. 1744 01:20:06,947 --> 01:20:08,946 And finally, it's so great 1745 01:20:08,947 --> 01:20:13,946 to have the esteemed diplomat Dennis Rodman here. 1746 01:20:13,947 --> 01:20:15,946 - Whoo! - Oh, shit. 1747 01:20:15,947 --> 01:20:17,946 I don't want to say Dennis is a bad negotiator, 1748 01:20:17,947 --> 01:20:19,946 but he thinks a shoe deal 1749 01:20:19,947 --> 01:20:21,946 is when you get two at the same time. 1750 01:20:21,947 --> 01:20:22,946 [ Laughter ] 1751 01:20:22,947 --> 01:20:26,946 Dennis, how do you and Kim Jong-un communicate 1752 01:20:26,947 --> 01:20:28,947 when neither of you speak English? 1753 01:20:31,947 --> 01:20:32,946 Dennis, I know you think 1754 01:20:32,947 --> 01:20:34,946 it's a big deal that you saved the world, 1755 01:20:34,947 --> 01:20:36,946 but it's not as much as it's made up to be. 1756 01:20:36,947 --> 01:20:41,946 Who cares? I've saved the world 18 times. 1757 01:20:41,947 --> 01:20:42,946 Nothing can keep me down. 1758 01:20:42,947 --> 01:20:45,946 I've been attacked by terrorists, asteroids, 1759 01:20:45,947 --> 01:20:49,946 film critics, music critics, restaurant critics, 1760 01:20:49,947 --> 01:20:52,946 divorce lawyers, male-pattern baldness, 1761 01:20:52,947 --> 01:20:55,946 and none of it -- none of it stopped me 1762 01:20:55,947 --> 01:20:59,946 because I am still Bruce Fuckin' Willis. 1763 01:20:59,947 --> 01:21:01,947 [ Cheers and applause ] 1764 01:21:09,947 --> 01:21:12,946 People ask me why I did this roast. 1765 01:21:12,947 --> 01:21:15,946 Was it because one of the last guys who did it 1766 01:21:15,947 --> 01:21:16,946 became president? 1767 01:21:16,947 --> 01:21:18,946 Hell no. 1768 01:21:18,947 --> 01:21:19,946 Why would I want to be president 1769 01:21:19,947 --> 01:21:23,946 when I can just keep being Bruce Fuckin' Willis? 1770 01:21:23,947 --> 01:21:26,946 [ Cheers and applause ] 1771 01:21:26,947 --> 01:21:27,946 Huh? Yeah? 1772 01:21:27,947 --> 01:21:32,946 I did this roast for one reason and for one reason only -- 1773 01:21:32,947 --> 01:21:36,946 to settle something once and for all. 1774 01:21:36,947 --> 01:21:39,946 Now, please, listen very carefully. 1775 01:21:39,947 --> 01:21:45,946 "Die Hard" is not a Christmas movie! 1776 01:21:45,947 --> 01:21:48,946 [ Cheers and applause ] 1777 01:21:48,947 --> 01:21:52,946 It's a goddamn Bruce Willis movie. 1778 01:21:52,947 --> 01:21:56,946 So, yippee ki-yay to all of you motherfuckers. 1779 01:21:56,947 --> 01:21:57,946 Good night! 1780 01:21:57,947 --> 01:21:59,946 [ Cheers and applause ] 1781 01:21:59,947 --> 01:22:01,946 [ "Respect Yourself" plays ] 1782 01:22:01,947 --> 01:22:08,946 ♪♪ 1783 01:22:08,947 --> 01:22:10,946 [ Harmonica playing ] 1784 01:22:10,947 --> 01:22:13,946 ♪♪ 1785 01:22:13,947 --> 01:22:15,947 ♪ Respect yourself 1786 01:22:17,947 --> 01:22:19,947 ♪ Respect yourself 1787 01:22:21,947 --> 01:22:23,947 ♪ Respect yourself 1788 01:22:25,947 --> 01:22:27,946 ♪ Respect yourself 1789 01:22:27,947 --> 01:22:30,946 ♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah 1790 01:22:30,947 --> 01:22:33,946 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 1791 01:22:33,947 --> 01:22:37,946 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪ 1792 01:22:37,947 --> 01:22:38,946 ♪ Na-na-na-na 1793 01:22:38,947 --> 01:22:40,947 ♪ Respect yourself 1794 01:22:42,947 --> 01:22:44,947 ♪ Respect yourself 1795 01:22:46,947 --> 01:22:48,946 ♪ Respect yourself 1796 01:22:48,947 --> 01:22:55,947 ♪♪ 1797 01:22:56,947 --> 01:22:57,946 ♪♪ 1798 01:22:57,947 --> 01:23:00,946 Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker! 1799 01:23:00,947 --> 01:23:02,946 My favorite joke of the night was Jeff Ross, 1800 01:23:02,947 --> 01:23:05,946 that you have a lawsuit going with the Blue Man Group. 1801 01:23:05,947 --> 01:23:06,946 - She looks great. - Yeah. 1802 01:23:06,947 --> 01:23:08,946 Ross: I had no idea Demi Moore 1803 01:23:08,947 --> 01:23:10,946 would ever come out at his roast. 1804 01:23:10,947 --> 01:23:12,946 And she was hilarious, to boot. 1805 01:23:12,947 --> 01:23:13,946 And she looks great. 1806 01:23:13,947 --> 01:23:14,946 So hopefully she'll be at the after party. 1807 01:23:14,947 --> 01:23:16,946 I think I got a shot. 1808 01:23:16,947 --> 01:23:18,946 I thought something was gonna dislocate my jaw 1809 01:23:18,947 --> 01:23:20,946 'cause I was laughing so hard. 1810 01:23:20,947 --> 01:23:22,946 It was going like this. I was like [Grunts] 1811 01:23:22,947 --> 01:23:25,947 "I don't think I can pull it down anymore." 1812 01:23:26,067 --> 01:23:32,841 For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 1813 01:23:34,901 --> 01:23:38,901 For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 1814 01:23:50,081 --> 01:23:54,081 For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com