1 00:00:53,350 --> 00:00:54,420 Oh! 2 00:01:06,490 --> 00:01:07,500 Erm... 3 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,530 Turn it off. Turn it off! Paquito! 4 00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:14,350 For God's sake. 5 00:01:38,470 --> 00:01:42,340 Never known a flight like it. You slept all the way! 6 00:01:42,350 --> 00:01:44,480 What is the point of paying for extra leg-room 7 00:01:44,490 --> 00:01:48,320 when the fat cow next to me had half her back wedged in my seat? 8 00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:50,390 You didn't pay for extra leg-room. No. 9 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,460 And thank God I never, with Barbapapa sitting next to me. 10 00:01:53,470 --> 00:01:56,370 I'm sure she was the woman in that documentary. 11 00:01:56,380 --> 00:01:59,510 She went to the doctor with stomach ache. He lifted up her gut, 12 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,330 found nine quid in loose change, 13 00:02:02,340 --> 00:02:04,470 two remote controls and next door's cat. 14 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,480 Will you please shut up? 15 00:02:06,490 --> 00:02:11,440 I just listened to two hours of you snoring on the plane. I don't need any more headache. 16 00:02:11,450 --> 00:02:13,470 And what have you got in that bag? 17 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,300 Snoring? 18 00:02:15,310 --> 00:02:17,470 Who was snoring? Chance would be a fine thing 19 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,500 with Elvis Presley next to me, farting, shovelling in the pasties. 20 00:02:21,510 --> 00:02:24,470 You did snore, cos I videoed it on me dad's phone. Eh? 21 00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:30,470 That's never me. You've done something with that. Give us it here. Get off! 22 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:34,440 Stop it. Nana, get off! Give us me phone, Michael. Give us me phone! 23 00:02:34,450 --> 00:02:36,450 Hey. What's going on here? 24 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:40,330 Nothing. They're just a bit giddy about being on holiday. 25 00:02:41,430 --> 00:02:43,430 What is this? 26 00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:49,470 What kind of thing is this? You are not allowed to bring video nasties into Spain. 27 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,510 Video nasties? That's me mother. 28 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:56,310 You cheeky bastard! You're not exactly Michael Bubbly yourself. 29 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,360 She didn't mean that. She's not had her cigs for three hours. 30 00:02:59,370 --> 00:03:01,430 She'll be OK once we get her outside 31 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,370 and stick her gob over the coach's exhaust for a couple of minutes. 32 00:03:05,380 --> 00:03:07,370 It's just a joke. 33 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,430 Oh, look, we're holding up the queue. 34 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,540 Wait! Your face, it is familiar to me. 35 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:17,370 Are you sure? Cos I thought we all looked the same to you. 36 00:03:17,380 --> 00:03:21,390 I don't mean that in a racialist way. Have you ever been arrested in Spain? 37 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,470 Specifically Benidorm? Arrested? 38 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:27,350 You're joking, aren't you? Me? I wouldn't say boo to a goose. 39 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,360 Yeah, you have. When you punched Mel on the beach. 40 00:03:30,370 --> 00:03:33,500 They arrested you and put you in the cells in the police station. 41 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,350 Oops. Please. Follow me. 42 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,400 Brilliant! Another hour without a cig. 43 00:03:46,410 --> 00:03:48,380 Oh, shut up! 44 00:03:59,310 --> 00:04:02,460 Good morning. Joyce Temple Savage, Solana manageress. 45 00:04:02,470 --> 00:04:04,490 How can I be of service to you? 46 00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:08,450 Well, for a start, we booked two rooms in a four-star hotel. 47 00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:14,360 But we seem to have been put into a... a 1970s Bulgarian youth hostel. 48 00:04:15,370 --> 00:04:16,490 I'm sorry? 49 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:19,490 I went backpacking through Bulgaria in the '70s. 50 00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:23,400 And I can assure you they didn't even have a ping-pong table, 51 00:04:23,410 --> 00:04:28,310 never mind a piano bar with a choice of four continental lagers. 52 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:32,470 There's no way this place would get a four-star rating in ANY country. 53 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,410 Now, was it Bulgaria or was it Minsk? 54 00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:38,520 I remember it sounded like one of the Wombles. 55 00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:42,540 How can you call yourselves Four Star? You have got to be joking. 56 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,450 Poor-quality bed linen. No safe in the rooms. 57 00:04:45,460 --> 00:04:48,520 Wire hangers in the wardrobe. I'm sorry about the hangers. 58 00:04:48,530 --> 00:04:52,440 We used to have solid-gold ones, but people kept stealing them(!) 59 00:04:52,450 --> 00:04:56,370 I am NOT staying here. No way. It's all right, baby. I'm all over it. 60 00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:58,470 When we booked this hotel - 61 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,480 There's no wi-fi. 62 00:05:01,410 --> 00:05:03,390 What? Is this true? 63 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,370 Is what true? You've got no wi-fi? 64 00:05:06,380 --> 00:05:09,430 I can assure you we have full Internet facilities. 65 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,360 In our newly refurbished business centre. 66 00:05:12,370 --> 00:05:15,350 And where is that? It's that desk over there. 67 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,420 You're not Winup/238 underscore 6A, are you? 68 00:05:27,430 --> 00:05:29,430 I'm sorry, is he speaking English? 69 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:34,510 Is your wi-fi's name Winup/238 underscore - Extintor? Extintor? 70 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:38,390 Oh, Mateo. Would you have a minute to look after Mr and Mrs Dyer? 71 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,420 Extintor! What? 72 00:05:40,430 --> 00:05:41,510 Extintor? 73 00:05:42,390 --> 00:05:46,530 What have I told you before, Mateo? You really must make an effort with the language. 74 00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:49,320 Fire. We need to stop the fire. 75 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:52,320 I must apologise on behalf of my colleague. 76 00:05:52,330 --> 00:05:54,380 The Mediterranean temperament can be - 77 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,440 What? What fire? What are you talking about? 78 00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:01,510 It's all right! I've found one! 79 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,520 What's going on? Where's...? 80 00:06:05,330 --> 00:06:07,330 Where's the fire? 81 00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:12,490 Quick! Quick! Quick! Put it out! Put it out! 82 00:06:13,470 --> 00:06:16,300 What on earth's been going on? 83 00:06:18,430 --> 00:06:20,500 That's one of our towels! 84 00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:27,350 Have I missed breakfast? 85 00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:41,450 And you say you packed this bag yourself? 86 00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:44,480 Yes, sir. I did, sir. I'm sorry it's a bit of a mess, sir. 87 00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:47,400 "Yes, sir. No, sir. Three bags full, sir." 88 00:06:54,310 --> 00:06:56,330 Oh. Sorry, it was a present. 89 00:06:58,420 --> 00:07:01,510 Has anyone interfered with this old, brown leather bag? 90 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,370 No, she's been a widow for years. 91 00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:08,320 Sorry. Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. 92 00:07:08,330 --> 00:07:09,360 Sorry. 93 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:11,350 Sorry. 94 00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:15,380 Look, I'm not being funny, but is this gonna take much longer? 95 00:07:15,390 --> 00:07:18,470 If we miss our coach transfer, it'll cost a fortune in a taxi. 96 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,320 It will take as long as it takes. 97 00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:25,310 We're a family going on holiday to Benidorm. 98 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,500 We're not exactly international drug-runners. 99 00:07:40,370 --> 00:07:43,540 And you can't remember anything? Not really. 100 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:49,340 I remember waking up on the sunbed and seeing Jesus, but after that it's all a blur. 101 00:07:49,350 --> 00:07:51,350 You saw Jesus? 102 00:07:51,540 --> 00:07:55,500 Did he...come to you in a dream? No, he was cleaning the floors. 103 00:07:55,510 --> 00:07:59,350 You had a vision of Jesus cleaning the floors? 104 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,390 I wouldn't exactly call him a vision. 105 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,330 But I wouldn't kick him out of bed if he crawled in. 106 00:08:04,340 --> 00:08:07,480 Kenneth didn't see Jesus from the Bible. He saw THIS Jesus. 107 00:08:07,490 --> 00:08:09,490 From the maintenance block. 108 00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,500 His name is "Hersoos". 109 00:08:11,510 --> 00:08:15,490 Then why's he got "Jesus" on his name badge? Good question. Thank you. 110 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:20,360 His name we spell this way, but we do not say "Jesus". We say "Hersoos". 111 00:08:20,370 --> 00:08:24,340 Well, doesn't look as though he's going to be much use to us at the moment. 112 00:08:24,350 --> 00:08:27,480 Tell him to get to hospital, get the all-clear and get back to work. 113 00:08:27,490 --> 00:08:31,480 I'll take him. No. You've got work to do. I've got any appointments till 11. 114 00:08:31,490 --> 00:08:35,540 What if you get a walk-in? I thought maybe you could do some work this month. 115 00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:40,470 I beg your pardon! Who d'you think you're talking to? Just saying. Ladies, please! 116 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,350 He says he's OK to go to the hospital himself. 117 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,400 His sister, she's a nurse there. Fine. 118 00:08:45,410 --> 00:08:48,360 Mateo, tell Jesus to go and get his head examined. 119 00:08:48,370 --> 00:08:51,470 And get that floor-cleaner fished out of the pool ASAP. 120 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:56,390 Kenneth, would you be so kind as to open your maison de sante? 121 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,540 You what? Go and open your shop! Oh, right. 122 00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:03,390 You said wait at Reception. That was half an hour ago. 123 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,350 Come on, you! 124 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:10,380 If you'd like to take a seat, Mr and Mrs Dyke, Master Dyke, 125 00:09:10,390 --> 00:09:13,340 I'll get complimentary cocktails sent over. 126 00:09:13,350 --> 00:09:15,350 And I'll be back to offer you 127 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:20,320 an extremely attractive compensation package for your burnt towel. 128 00:09:20,330 --> 00:09:21,520 Good morning. 129 00:09:21,530 --> 00:09:24,460 Hello. Donald and Jacqueline Stewart. 130 00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:29,430 From last year. Oh. Yes. How could I forget? Nice to see you back. 131 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,410 We tried to check in, but they didn't know anything about our booking. 132 00:09:33,420 --> 00:09:35,420 This place is a joke. 133 00:09:35,430 --> 00:09:39,350 We're on the free holiday that you gave us last year. 134 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,350 For spying on your staff. 135 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,540 Would you like to take a seat? We're having complimentary cocktails. 136 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:47,460 I thought it was all-inclusive anyway. 137 00:09:47,470 --> 00:09:51,500 And I'll be back with you all in two shakes of a duck's tail. 138 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,320 Donald Stewart. 139 00:09:55,330 --> 00:09:57,430 This is the wife Jacqueline. 140 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,490 Hola. 141 00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:01,410 I'm Clive. My wife Tonya. 142 00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:03,390 And our son Tiger. 143 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:07,530 Good to know you. Would that be a Cockney accent I detect? 144 00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:10,450 Donald's very good at accents. 145 00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:14,490 He once played Hitler in Goebbels, The Musical. 146 00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:19,470 People in the bar after couldn't believe you weren't German, could they? 147 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,480 I do have an ear. 148 00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:24,350 We're North London, originally. 149 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,330 Now in Watford. Well, practically St Albans. 150 00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:30,500 Ah. Watford. We know it well, don't we, Jacqueline? 151 00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:32,460 Oh, yes! 152 00:10:32,470 --> 00:10:37,390 A retired male-stripper friend of ours, Maurice "The Meat" Henderson, 153 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,450 is chairman of the WSA. 154 00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:42,340 Watford Swingers' Association. 155 00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:47,380 Now, a little dickybird tells me it's cocktail hour. What can I get yous? 156 00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:49,440 Sex On The Beach, anyone? 157 00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:58,340 How many times d'you have to be told? She told you what they were! 158 00:10:58,350 --> 00:11:00,340 They're tanning pills! 159 00:11:00,350 --> 00:11:03,510 We will, of course, be making tests on the drugs you brought into Spain. 160 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:08,390 They're not drugs! Stop calling them drugs! Course they're drugs. Brilliant(!) 161 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,500 Why not make me a noose, put it round me neck 162 00:11:10,510 --> 00:11:14,340 and your mother can kick away the chair? Don't be so dramatic. 163 00:11:14,350 --> 00:11:19,360 Dramatic? Your mother's put a sack of unidentified white pills in a bag to bring to Spain. 164 00:11:19,370 --> 00:11:22,540 How dramatic d'you want it to get? It wasn't a sack. It was a bag. 165 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:28,360 Perhaps we are to believe there is such a thing as tablets to make your skin brown. 166 00:11:28,370 --> 00:11:32,470 Why are you bringing them to Spain? Sitting in our sun is not good enough for you? 167 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,470 She's mentally deranged. There's no need for that. 168 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:40,470 Look at the colour of her! You could sit in the sun all year and never end up like that! 169 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,460 Is there any chance we could go now and promise to come back tomorrow, 170 00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:47,520 when you've had a chance to look at the tablets? Of course. 171 00:11:47,530 --> 00:11:52,450 Passport Control procedure means we usually let all people carrying unidentified drugs 172 00:11:52,460 --> 00:11:56,490 carry on with their journey and pop back at a time more convenient to them(!) 173 00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:59,390 Oh, brilliant. Thank you, love. 174 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,530 Sit down! 175 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,440 There is no reason to hold all of you. 176 00:12:07,450 --> 00:12:10,350 Just the person who was carrying the drugs. 177 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,410 Right. Now, Madge, I don't want you to worry. 178 00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:18,390 I'll get Janice and Michael settled in, then I'll come back and see how you're getting on. 179 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,480 We're not leaving me mother here. You. 180 00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:24,370 The drugs were found in YOUR bag. 181 00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:27,540 Piss off! That was HER bag! How come you were carrying it, then? 182 00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:30,410 I'm being framed by me own mother-in-law. 183 00:12:30,420 --> 00:12:33,300 I can't stay here on me own! 184 00:12:33,310 --> 00:12:35,400 I'm nearly 70 years old. 185 00:12:35,410 --> 00:12:38,480 Well, if you're nearly 70, that makes me about 28. 186 00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:42,350 It seems pointless us all sitting here. This could take all day. 187 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:46,520 Are you seriously telling me you're all just gonna piss off and leave me here? 188 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,300 I hope you're not leaving those towels there. I'm sorry? 189 00:12:59,310 --> 00:13:03,460 I'm just saying, we left our towels out here this morning and they set fire to them. 190 00:13:03,470 --> 00:13:07,330 Well, they do warn you not to put them out before nine o'clock. 191 00:13:07,340 --> 00:13:10,400 Right. And have you seen the state of those rooms? 192 00:13:10,410 --> 00:13:12,420 Yeah. We come every year. 193 00:13:12,430 --> 00:13:14,430 You come every year? 194 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:19,380 Oh! What was that for? Don't be so rude. You started it. This place is a shit-tip. 195 00:13:20,370 --> 00:13:23,450 Will you stop doing that? Just show some consideration. 196 00:13:23,460 --> 00:13:28,300 Some people can't afford a proper holiday. I didn't think that included us. 197 00:13:28,450 --> 00:13:31,500 I'm Tonya. My son...Tiger. 198 00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:33,520 Oh, hiya. I'm Janice. 199 00:13:33,530 --> 00:13:36,510 You're not stopping, then? No. 200 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,530 We booked this hotel thinking it was a four-star. 201 00:13:39,540 --> 00:13:42,430 I suppose it's a godsend if you're on a budget, 202 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,540 but it's not really for us. 203 00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,300 We've been coming for years. 204 00:13:50,350 --> 00:13:53,340 So...is your husband unpacking? 205 00:13:53,350 --> 00:13:54,530 No. No. Er... 206 00:13:55,380 --> 00:13:57,440 We had a few problems with the luggage. 207 00:13:57,450 --> 00:14:00,320 I best ring him, find out how he's getting on. 208 00:14:00,330 --> 00:14:03,320 First your husband gets arrested on drugs charges. 209 00:14:03,330 --> 00:14:06,310 Then, just when you think things can't get any worse, 210 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,300 they put the price of mobility scooters up by ten euros. 211 00:14:10,310 --> 00:14:12,420 That's 50 euros a week they're wanting. 212 00:14:12,430 --> 00:14:15,350 Thieving, twisting Spanish bastards. 213 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,500 The bloke was English. 214 00:14:16,510 --> 00:14:20,330 Mother, for God's sake, just sit down. How can I sit down? 215 00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:22,410 I'm not settled without a scooter. 216 00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:24,430 50 euros a week. 217 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:28,460 My Mel will be spinning in his grave. He'd have been raking it in. 218 00:14:28,470 --> 00:14:33,440 Your old man on a drugs charge? Respec'. Don't be so bleeding rude! 219 00:14:33,450 --> 00:14:37,530 He's not been charged with anything. It's just been a bit of a mix-up. 220 00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:41,370 Got caught bringing tanning pills through Customs. 221 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,300 Fuss about nothing. It'll all blow over. 222 00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:47,370 What kind are they? I'm a beauty therapist. 223 00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:49,450 Oh. Frigged if I know. 224 00:14:49,460 --> 00:14:51,510 Got them at a car-boot sale in Eccles. 225 00:14:53,330 --> 00:14:55,400 Oh. Right. We ready for the off? 226 00:14:55,410 --> 00:14:57,330 No. Erm... 227 00:14:57,340 --> 00:14:58,540 We're staying. 228 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:01,410 What? No way! Absolutely no way! 229 00:15:01,420 --> 00:15:06,450 Don't make a scene, Tonya. "Don't make a scene"? I wouldn't kennel my dog in this place. 230 00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:09,330 You haven't got a dog. You know what I mean. 231 00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:14,360 If you think for one minute I am unpacking our cases in that glorified toilet of a hotel room - 232 00:15:14,370 --> 00:15:16,450 Tonya! 233 00:15:17,410 --> 00:15:19,430 Be a sweetheart, Tonya. 234 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,440 Go upstairs, unpack the bags 235 00:15:22,450 --> 00:15:26,520 and come down in a slightly more positive frame of mind. 236 00:15:26,530 --> 00:15:29,320 Don't try to embarrass me, Clive. 237 00:15:29,330 --> 00:15:33,520 At the end of the day, you are just an extremely short man with a very small penis. 238 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:42,420 Right. Time to cool off, I think. 239 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,480 Tiger... go and get your father a paper. 240 00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:51,330 I don't know where the shops are. I'll show you, if you want. 241 00:15:51,340 --> 00:15:52,440 Sweet. 242 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,470 I'm Tiger. Michael. 243 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,320 Oi! 244 00:15:57,330 --> 00:15:58,500 Come here! 245 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,390 Get your nana a scooter and come straight back. 246 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,350 All right. I think you're mad, paying them prices. 247 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,310 You're welcome(!) 248 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:14,500 There's no answer from Mick. We need to get back on that bus to Alicante. 249 00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:19,510 Frig that. You go. I'm staying here to watch round two with Charles and Diana. 250 00:16:26,460 --> 00:16:31,320 I'm sorry, there's absolutely no record of this booking whatsoever. 251 00:16:31,330 --> 00:16:33,330 But you must remember. 252 00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:36,460 Last year, you had us running about like Batman and Robin. 253 00:16:36,470 --> 00:16:38,470 More like Laurel and Hardy. 254 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:42,440 You booked us in on our free holiday on our last day. 255 00:16:42,450 --> 00:16:44,470 We stood here while you did it. 256 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,480 I do remember you helping out, 257 00:16:46,490 --> 00:16:50,520 but I have absolutely no recollection of offering you a free holiday. 258 00:16:50,530 --> 00:16:53,320 Do you have any paperwork? No! 259 00:16:53,330 --> 00:16:55,370 You didn't give us any. 260 00:16:55,380 --> 00:17:00,400 I'm awfully sorry, but with no booking confirmation there's not much we can do to help. 261 00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:06,300 If you'd like to make a booking, I'm sure Mateo here could squeeze you and your wife in somewhere. 262 00:17:08,310 --> 00:17:10,310 Any problems, just throw them out. 263 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,500 We have to eradicate this riff-raff element we've been attracting. 264 00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:17,530 I think I do remember you saying you were going to give them a free holiday. 265 00:17:17,540 --> 00:17:21,470 I know, but I've just had to give 80% discount to the Dykes. 266 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:25,340 We have dykes coming here? Mr and Mrs Dyke. 267 00:17:25,350 --> 00:17:28,540 The husband's threatening to sue us for setting fire to his property. 268 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:32,410 So, what should I do when Laurel and Hardy refuse to pay? Ooh... 269 00:17:32,420 --> 00:17:36,330 Just send them on... ♪ The trail of the lonesome pine ♪ 270 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,440 Just get rid of them. 271 00:17:45,540 --> 00:17:48,360 Open up! I know you're in there! 272 00:17:48,370 --> 00:17:51,410 It's already lunch time. When are you planning to open? 273 00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:57,360 Thank you for visiting Blow and Go, hair and beauty emporium. Do you have an appointment? Where is he? 274 00:17:57,370 --> 00:18:02,490 If you are referring to Kenneth, Benidorm Entrepreneur of the Year 2009, I'm afraid he's indisposed. 275 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:06,400 Kindly inform Mr Du Beke that I am getting in touch with Head Office 276 00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:11,520 and starting the process of having Blow and Go removed from the Solana! You can't! He's paid his rent! 277 00:18:11,530 --> 00:18:17,450 The place is never open! We have a very discreet clientele. They prefer the closed-door policy. 278 00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:22,390 You haven't got ANY clientele because Benidorm's Entrepreneur of the Year 279 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:26,510 spends his time pissed in Jumping Jack's next door, singing Lady Gaga! 280 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:31,430 I'm sorry, I have to go now. I have a nasal-hair-wax heater threatening to overboil! 281 00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:37,490 And don't come sniffing around me for a job when I close him down! 282 00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:43,320 Oh, thanks, love. 283 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:47,460 We can't keep going on like this, you know. She's right - we're never open. 284 00:18:47,470 --> 00:18:50,330 Well, I've just had a lot on me mind recently. 285 00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:53,370 It's more than that. I can tell. 286 00:19:00,330 --> 00:19:02,430 "Contact me ASAP." 287 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,450 "We need to speak." 288 00:19:05,370 --> 00:19:07,440 "There's no use ignoring me." 289 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,370 "You can't run forever, Kenneth." 290 00:19:11,380 --> 00:19:15,530 All signed "H". What's going on? Well, he's right. I can't avoid him forever. 291 00:19:15,540 --> 00:19:19,350 You can run in this town, but you can't hide. Who's H? 292 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,390 An enemy? A relative? An ex-lover? 293 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,400 No, he's none of those things. H stands for Herbert. 294 00:19:26,410 --> 00:19:29,470 Oh...I suppose I should be happy I got this far. 295 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,310 Kenneth... 296 00:19:32,370 --> 00:19:34,460 ..who is Herbert? 297 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,330 He's the head of the Hafia. 298 00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:41,480 What's the Hafia? Is it some kind of Spanish income tax? 299 00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:44,320 No. It's worse than that. 300 00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:46,540 It's the hairdressing mafia. 301 00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:54,800 It's dead lucky you've got a car. Thanks for this. It's not a problem. 302 00:19:54,810 --> 00:19:56,840 Us Brits have to stick together. 303 00:19:56,850 --> 00:19:59,880 Your wife Tanya said you weren't stopping at the Solana. 304 00:19:59,890 --> 00:20:02,720 Did you have a change of plan? Tonya. 305 00:20:02,730 --> 00:20:03,800 Sorry? 306 00:20:03,810 --> 00:20:06,900 It's Tonya. Don't call her Tanya. She'll hit the roof. 307 00:20:06,910 --> 00:20:08,750 Oh. Right. 308 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,790 Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, Janice. 309 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,820 My wife is a very unstable woman. 310 00:20:12,830 --> 00:20:16,900 Last year she found out that one of the people on my golfing holiday was a woman. 311 00:20:16,910 --> 00:20:19,750 You know what she did? No. 312 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,920 She urinated in my coffee every day for a week. 313 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:25,730 Bloody 'ell. Oh, yeah. 314 00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:27,800 Mentally unstable. 315 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:30,780 Couldn't you tell she'd weed in your coffee? 316 00:20:30,790 --> 00:20:34,730 I couldn't, as it goes. I take my coffee very strong. 317 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,840 As opposed to piss-weak. 318 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:42,750 You'll let me give you some petrol money, won't you? I wouldn't dream of it. 319 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,770 So, these drugs - are you positive that they're just tanning pills? 320 00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,850 They must be. They only cost 20 quid at a car-boot sale. 321 00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:54,890 Oh, he'll be fine. The only thing you've got to worry about is if he's got previous. 322 00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:59,780 Previous what? Previous record. Criminal record. 323 00:21:04,710 --> 00:21:06,760 They don't take any crap here. 324 00:21:06,770 --> 00:21:08,930 If he's been in trouble with the police before, 325 00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:13,810 he'll be back on a plane to the UK quicker than you can say "Je ne regrette rien." 326 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:20,870 ♪ EDITH PIAF: No, rien de rien 327 00:21:21,770 --> 00:21:25,860 ♪ Non, je ne regrette rien 328 00:21:26,780 --> 00:21:29,750 ♪ Ni le bien 329 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,700 ♪ Qu'on m'a fait... ♪ 330 00:21:31,710 --> 00:21:33,860 I tell him to stop but he will not listen. 331 00:21:33,870 --> 00:21:35,710 Look. 332 00:21:36,870 --> 00:21:38,820 You can't do this here! 333 00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:41,800 Look, whatever you do in the privacy of your own room 334 00:21:41,810 --> 00:21:44,910 is nobody's business but your own, but you can't do this here. 335 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:49,840 But that's just it. We don't HAVE a room, thanks to you reneging on your word. 336 00:21:49,850 --> 00:21:53,780 If this is a protest, then why are you both not chained to the sunbeds? 337 00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:55,730 We didn't have enough chain. 338 00:21:55,740 --> 00:21:59,870 Anyway, somebody has to be able to nip to the shops for water and suchlike. 339 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,830 I'm afraid personal food and drink cannot be consumed on the premises. 340 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:08,830 Fine. Then you've just turned a peaceful demonstration into a hunger strike. 341 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,890 For God's sake! 342 00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:14,770 Jacqueline, I'm just going to pop up to the Mad Monk 343 00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:16,890 for a spot of brunch. Will you be OK? 344 00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:19,930 Oh, yeah. All right! Stop it. 345 00:22:19,940 --> 00:22:23,890 Mateo, give Mr and Mrs Stewart room 212. 346 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:26,870 Come on. 347 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,700 What's wrong with you? I've just said you could have a room. 348 00:22:30,710 --> 00:22:34,890 Mr Stewart, kindly unchain your wife from my sunbeds. 349 00:22:34,900 --> 00:22:36,780 I can't. 350 00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:38,930 What d'you mean, you can't? 351 00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:42,830 I'm afraid I didn't expect you to cave in so easily 352 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,700 and I... I swallowed the key. 353 00:22:45,710 --> 00:22:47,760 You did what? Mm. 354 00:22:47,770 --> 00:22:49,810 Why did you do this, you crazy man? 355 00:22:49,820 --> 00:22:51,880 What is wrong with you people? 356 00:22:51,890 --> 00:22:53,890 I'll be back in about an hour. 357 00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:58,900 I do believe the Mad Monk do a very acceptable veg curry. 358 00:22:59,780 --> 00:23:01,780 Fingers crossed. 359 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,940 Are you OK? Ohh...yes! 360 00:23:19,820 --> 00:23:23,870 That man over there's got his wife chained to a pile of sunbeds. 361 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,830 Doesn't surprise me. They're well known for it. 362 00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,740 What d'you mean? Perverts. 363 00:23:29,750 --> 00:23:33,790 She'll be naked, hanging upside-down from the pool bar come five o'clock. 364 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:38,840 Dear God. We met them upstairs. They certainly seem the type. 365 00:23:38,850 --> 00:23:43,790 Apparently, last year one of them was found roaming the streets at midday 366 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,840 dressed as a naughty nurse in stockings and suspenders. 367 00:23:47,850 --> 00:23:49,790 That's not appropriate. 368 00:23:50,710 --> 00:23:52,750 Not during the day. No. 369 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,900 And it wasn't the one chained to the sunbeds, either. 370 00:23:57,740 --> 00:23:58,820 Oh...! 371 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:09,750 You haven't seen my husband or my son at all, have you? 372 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:10,800 Uh? 373 00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:16,870 ♪ MOTORHEAD: Ace Of Spades 374 00:24:19,940 --> 00:24:22,880 Hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo hoo! 375 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,890 ♪ If you like to gamble I tell you I'm your man 376 00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:31,830 ♪ You win some, lose some It's all the same to me ♪ 377 00:24:34,790 --> 00:24:36,700 Knobheads! 378 00:24:37,750 --> 00:24:42,770 Time for another drink, I think. No. I better get the scooter back to me nana. She'll go mental. 379 00:24:42,780 --> 00:24:47,780 Wait a minute. Didn't I just batter the price down to 45 euros for the week for this thing? 380 00:24:47,790 --> 00:24:51,940 You nearly battered the BLOKE. A bit of gentle persuasion never hurts. 381 00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:56,770 And the false ID that I gave him means you could sell it at the end of the week. 382 00:24:56,780 --> 00:24:58,730 Win-win! 383 00:24:58,740 --> 00:25:00,860 Come on, bruv. Your round. 384 00:25:00,870 --> 00:25:03,710 ♪ It's all a game to me ♪ 385 00:25:05,940 --> 00:25:08,940 ♪ I hear babies cry 386 00:25:10,710 --> 00:25:12,870 ♪ I watch them grow 387 00:25:13,740 --> 00:25:15,830 ♪ They'll learn much more 388 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,790 ♪ Than I'll ever know 389 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:21,710 ♪ And I think to myself 390 00:25:23,710 --> 00:25:26,760 ♪ What a wonderful world 391 00:25:29,910 --> 00:25:34,890 ♪ Yeah, yeah, I think to myself 392 00:25:36,930 --> 00:25:39,790 ♪ What a wonderful 393 00:25:40,730 --> 00:25:43,940 ♪ World 394 00:25:44,700 --> 00:25:48,730 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 395 00:25:50,930 --> 00:25:55,810 Thank you very much. Now, if you don't mind, Lorraine, a bit of Tommy Steele, love. 396 00:25:55,820 --> 00:25:58,730 I need a word! Bugger off. I'm singing. 397 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:03,900 ♪ Once upon a... ♪ Me dad's set up a meeting with Herbert for you! What? 398 00:26:07,770 --> 00:26:11,780 What you doing to me? Listen. Listen. I mentioned Herbert to me dad 399 00:26:11,790 --> 00:26:14,880 and, well... well, he knows him. Don't you? 400 00:26:14,890 --> 00:26:19,750 Well, I...don't exactly know HIM, but I know a fella who knows a fella 401 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:23,870 who...knows a fella. If you see what I mean. No! I know a fella who knows a fella 402 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,910 who knows Shirley Bassey but I'm not meeting up with her. 403 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:29,770 Oh, I'd love to meet Shirley Bassey. 404 00:26:29,780 --> 00:26:34,740 Look, man, this is the head of the hairdressing mafia. You're messing with the big boys now. 405 00:26:34,750 --> 00:26:37,730 What's it got to do with you? I'm just trying to help. 406 00:26:37,740 --> 00:26:40,900 If Herbert wants to see you, there's no point avoiding him. 407 00:26:40,910 --> 00:26:43,860 I knew a stylist in Finistrad 408 00:26:43,870 --> 00:26:46,730 who started undercutting Herbert's prices. 409 00:26:46,740 --> 00:26:50,860 He was found floating face-down in his swimming pool with a stomachful of shampoo. 410 00:26:50,870 --> 00:26:52,770 Oh, my God. 411 00:26:52,780 --> 00:26:54,820 Well, they THOUGHT it was shampoo. 412 00:26:54,830 --> 00:26:58,910 The meeting's tonight. We're going with you. Everything's gonna be OK. 413 00:27:11,930 --> 00:27:13,780 Thank you. 414 00:27:14,890 --> 00:27:16,910 Can I just see him for two minutes? 415 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,740 You cannot go to the other side of the airport without a ticket 416 00:27:20,750 --> 00:27:24,840 and we cannot release your husband until a test has been done on the pills. 417 00:27:24,850 --> 00:27:26,800 Well, when can you do the test? 418 00:27:26,810 --> 00:27:29,920 I understand your concern and you have my personal guarantee 419 00:27:29,930 --> 00:27:32,920 it will be done by Tuesday at the latest. Tuesday?! 420 00:27:32,930 --> 00:27:37,720 It's Thursday now! I can't even ring him cos his battery's flat. 421 00:27:37,730 --> 00:27:38,740 Jan? 422 00:27:40,750 --> 00:27:43,940 You can call the leaflet on this number at any time for an update. 423 00:27:48,870 --> 00:27:50,720 Janice! 424 00:27:50,910 --> 00:27:52,860 Janice, I'm here! 425 00:27:52,870 --> 00:27:54,930 Don't cry. We'll come back tomorrow. 426 00:27:54,940 --> 00:27:56,720 Jan! 427 00:28:00,850 --> 00:28:04,720 All right, pal. Just one second. Jan! Jani... 428 00:28:09,730 --> 00:28:11,930 ♪ Hey ho, skip to the loo 429 00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:14,860 ♪ Hey ho, skip to the loo 430 00:28:14,870 --> 00:28:17,810 ♪ Hey ho, skip to the loo 431 00:28:17,820 --> 00:28:20,850 ♪ Skip to the loo, my darl- ♪ Ooh. 432 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:26,840 Hello, love. 433 00:28:26,850 --> 00:28:29,730 Ah, I'm fine. 434 00:28:29,850 --> 00:28:31,850 How's it going? 435 00:28:31,860 --> 00:28:35,820 Oh. No worries. Just keep eating. 436 00:28:35,830 --> 00:28:37,740 All right. 437 00:28:37,750 --> 00:28:39,750 See you later. Bye. 438 00:28:39,940 --> 00:28:42,910 ♪ Swallowed the key Now what can he do? 439 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,890 ♪ Swallowed the key Now what can he do? 440 00:28:45,900 --> 00:28:48,860 ♪ Swallowed the key Now what can he do? 441 00:28:48,870 --> 00:28:51,820 ♪ Skip to the loo, my darling ♪ 442 00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:59,840 How many times, Clive? I do not know where Tiger is. 443 00:28:59,850 --> 00:29:04,700 What did his text say? The same one-word reply he always says - "Chill." 444 00:29:04,710 --> 00:29:06,750 I'll chill HIM when I get hold of him. 445 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:10,850 Have you tried calling him? Of course I did! What kind of idiot d'you think I am? 446 00:29:10,860 --> 00:29:13,910 The ear-shattering, screaming-moron kind. What? 447 00:29:18,870 --> 00:29:22,730 Hiya. I just wondered if you'd heard anything from me son. 448 00:29:22,870 --> 00:29:27,700 Er, yeah, we just had a text from Tiger. He said they're fine. 449 00:29:27,710 --> 00:29:30,940 He said that Mitchell was showing him round Benidorm. Michael. 450 00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:36,700 Er, Michael. Yeah, he said that he'd meet us down in the hotel bar later. 451 00:29:36,710 --> 00:29:38,940 Which one? Neptune's? Neptune's. That was it. 452 00:29:39,700 --> 00:29:43,770 OK. Me and me mother will go down there, then. Great. See you there, then. 453 00:29:43,780 --> 00:29:45,890 Oh, and Clive, thanks for today. 454 00:29:45,900 --> 00:29:47,790 You were amazing. 455 00:29:47,940 --> 00:29:49,940 Yeah. See you later. 456 00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:54,750 What did you say that for? 457 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:55,760 Eh? 458 00:29:55,770 --> 00:29:58,810 We don't know where they are. I didn't want her to worry. 459 00:29:58,820 --> 00:30:00,900 You didn't want HER to worry? What about me? 460 00:30:00,910 --> 00:30:03,890 She's got a lot on her plate, with her husband locked up. 461 00:30:03,900 --> 00:30:05,850 What was that she said? What? 462 00:30:05,860 --> 00:30:08,830 What did she say before you pushed her out the door? 463 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:10,850 I didn't push her. I never touched her. 464 00:30:10,860 --> 00:30:13,910 "Thanks for today. You were amazing." What does that mean? 465 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:18,910 It means "Thanks for the lift." It doesn't. "Thanks for the LIFT" means "Thanks for the lift." 466 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:21,710 Oh, will you shut up and get dressed? 467 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,770 What d'you mean, "Get dressed"? I AM dressed! 468 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:27,890 What is wrong with this dress? Nothing. 469 00:30:27,900 --> 00:30:30,790 As long as it's a Vicar and Tarts evening. 470 00:30:31,710 --> 00:30:35,850 It's not a clown convention, either, so you can take that shirt off, for a start. 471 00:30:35,860 --> 00:30:37,880 I'll see you downstairs. 472 00:30:39,860 --> 00:30:42,830 Although ten out of ten for effort on the red nose! 473 00:30:50,790 --> 00:30:51,880 Oh...! 474 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:56,720 ♪ HOT CHOCOLATE: Where you from, you sexy thing? ♪ 475 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,860 So...where we going now, then? 476 00:30:59,870 --> 00:31:02,750 I thought you said you wanted to ring your mum. 477 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:04,770 I'm not that bothered now. 478 00:31:04,940 --> 00:31:06,940 Right. Come on. 479 00:31:10,770 --> 00:31:12,820 I think it's time to get some souvenirs. 480 00:31:12,830 --> 00:31:16,780 We usually get all that crap on the last day, though. Me nana... 481 00:31:16,790 --> 00:31:19,830 She likes the fridge magnets in the shape of a flip-flop 482 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,850 and me dad likes them glasses that, when you put 'em on, 483 00:31:22,860 --> 00:31:25,850 instead of a nose you've got a massive big plastic - 484 00:31:25,860 --> 00:31:28,830 Come on! We're gonna get a PROPER souvenir. 485 00:31:30,870 --> 00:31:34,870 Wey! Benido-o-o-orm! 486 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:39,860 Ha! Wey! Benido-o-o-orm! Get out the way! 487 00:31:40,790 --> 00:31:42,770 Hey, you! 488 00:31:43,830 --> 00:31:46,740 You do know there's a fair-use policy? 489 00:31:46,750 --> 00:31:49,930 When we say "all-inclusive", we mean as much food and drink in a day 490 00:31:49,940 --> 00:31:52,940 as ONE person would normally eat, not half a dozen. 491 00:31:53,700 --> 00:31:55,730 Another black coffee, if you please. 492 00:31:55,740 --> 00:31:59,710 Why do you keep eating? You could just put your fingers down your throat. 493 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:04,780 It would never work. Both Jacqueline and I have extraordinarily high gag-reflexes. 494 00:32:04,790 --> 00:32:06,780 What does this mean? 495 00:32:06,790 --> 00:32:09,870 Believe me, you don't want to know. I'll order the coffee. 496 00:32:11,820 --> 00:32:16,720 I tell you, for 15 euros we can hire the machine that can cut through chains. 497 00:32:16,730 --> 00:32:19,920 15 euros to hire a bolt-cutter? You must be joking. 498 00:32:19,930 --> 00:32:24,770 No wonder your economy's in a state if you fritter away money like that. 499 00:32:24,940 --> 00:32:27,790 Oh, dear. What is wrong? 500 00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:31,760 I think it's time to release the beast. 501 00:32:33,710 --> 00:32:36,850 Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The nearest toilet is this way. 502 00:32:36,860 --> 00:32:40,810 It's not a toilet that I need. This is a highly delicate operation. 503 00:32:40,820 --> 00:32:43,800 I just hope that bath-tub's got a plug in it. 504 00:32:47,740 --> 00:32:49,760 Not long now, Jacqueline! 505 00:32:49,770 --> 00:32:52,700 Geronimo! Ooh! 506 00:32:52,710 --> 00:32:55,890 Yahoo! We've struck oil! 507 00:32:59,710 --> 00:33:01,810 ♪ Panic on the streets of London 508 00:33:01,820 --> 00:33:06,740 I don't believe it. I've lost me husband and me son all in the space of one night. 509 00:33:06,750 --> 00:33:09,890 Don't be ridiculous. Your son's out with a mate 510 00:33:09,900 --> 00:33:14,740 and your husband's in for a better night's sleep than any of us will get tonight. 511 00:33:14,750 --> 00:33:16,740 Sing one we've heard of! 512 00:33:16,750 --> 00:33:19,760 There you go. Thanks, love. 513 00:33:19,770 --> 00:33:24,730 No worries. Wait for the staff round here and you'll be spitting feathers. 514 00:33:25,790 --> 00:33:27,910 Ooh, The Smiths! I love this song. 515 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:31,760 ♪ So you run down To the safety of the town 516 00:33:31,770 --> 00:33:33,710 ♪ But there's panic on the... 517 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,720 Your wife not coming down? 518 00:33:35,890 --> 00:33:39,750 She's on her way. I said I'd come down and get her a drink. 519 00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:41,860 Ooh, you've had time to get her half a dozen. 520 00:33:42,830 --> 00:33:44,840 You had another argument? 521 00:33:45,730 --> 00:33:47,730 No. Not at all. 522 00:33:47,740 --> 00:33:49,830 She'll be doing her make-up. 523 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:52,740 She likes to be well turned out. 524 00:33:52,750 --> 00:33:54,910 She's a beauty therapist. Ooh. 525 00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:57,930 Never know it to look at her. Mother! 526 00:33:57,940 --> 00:34:00,890 ♪ Burn down the disco 527 00:34:01,850 --> 00:34:04,780 ♪ Hang the blessed DJ 528 00:34:04,790 --> 00:34:07,870 ♪ Because the music That they constantly play 529 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,860 ♪ Says nothing to me about my life 530 00:34:12,850 --> 00:34:15,780 ♪ Hang the blessed DJ ♪ Right. Here we are. 531 00:34:18,940 --> 00:34:21,720 Oh, haway, man, what you doing? 532 00:34:21,730 --> 00:34:25,830 Knocking on the door. How else will they know we're here? Just leave this to me. 533 00:34:31,730 --> 00:34:33,930 Oh, man! You're gonna balls this up! 534 00:34:33,940 --> 00:34:36,780 Just leave your dad to do what he needs to do 535 00:34:36,790 --> 00:34:40,840 or I'm gonna wake up tomorrow with a horse's head in me bed, with a permed mane. 536 00:34:49,830 --> 00:34:52,850 What you looking for? We're standing right in front of you! 537 00:34:52,860 --> 00:34:55,780 I know you're standing in front of me. Dickhead. 538 00:34:55,790 --> 00:34:57,840 I can hardly miss ya. 539 00:35:01,710 --> 00:35:02,920 We're here to see Herbert. 540 00:35:02,930 --> 00:35:05,910 Sorry, pal. Nobody called Herbert here. 541 00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:08,860 We got the wrong bloody door. Shut up, young 'un. 542 00:35:09,780 --> 00:35:11,800 We have a delivery for Herbert. 543 00:35:11,810 --> 00:35:15,880 A delivery of an outstanding order of damage-repair solution. 544 00:35:15,890 --> 00:35:20,740 Herbert takes all deliveries at the rear. Yeah, well, I had me suspicions. 545 00:35:21,710 --> 00:35:24,930 Take your first left down the bottom of the street, then left again. 546 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:28,850 Look for a door marked... Shit! 547 00:35:28,860 --> 00:35:33,730 A door marked "Shit"? Marked in actual shit or does it say "Shit" in letters? 548 00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:37,750 In! Get in! Get in! 549 00:35:41,340 --> 00:35:46,320 ♪ This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you 550 00:35:45,830 --> 00:35:50,700 ♪ Take my tears And that's not nearly all 551 00:35:50,710 --> 00:35:53,710 ♪ Tainted love ♪ Oh oh-oh-oh oh 552 00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:54,870 ♪ Tainted love 553 00:35:55,810 --> 00:35:57,940 ♪ Now I know 554 00:35:58,700 --> 00:36:00,930 ♪ I've got to run away 555 00:36:01,870 --> 00:36:03,910 You. Come with me. 556 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:05,870 Yous two, stay here. 557 00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:09,900 Hang on, pal. We come here together. We'll go in together. 558 00:36:09,910 --> 00:36:13,940 ♪ To make things right You need someone to hold you tight 559 00:36:14,700 --> 00:36:17,710 I don't remember telling you you could speak. 560 00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:20,730 ♪ But I'm sorry I'll be all right. 561 00:36:20,740 --> 00:36:22,740 ♪ I don't pray that way 562 00:36:22,910 --> 00:36:25,880 ♪ Once I ran to you ♪ I ran 563 00:36:25,890 --> 00:36:27,740 ♪ Now I... ♪ 564 00:36:45,810 --> 00:36:47,810 Kenneth Du Beke. 565 00:36:49,910 --> 00:36:51,870 Go ahead. 566 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:53,880 You're on your own now, pal. 567 00:37:01,810 --> 00:37:04,910 Welcome back. Oh, yeah, sorry about all this. 568 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:07,810 Everything OK now? Oh, yes. 569 00:37:07,820 --> 00:37:11,910 It was a bit like a round of It's A Knockout in the end, but all good life experience. 570 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:16,940 I suppose so. It's not every day you can say you spent several hours being chained up in the dark. 571 00:37:17,700 --> 00:37:19,910 Well...you say that... 572 00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:24,860 You left very quickly. Did you suddenly remember where you'd put your spare key? 573 00:37:24,870 --> 00:37:26,780 Not exactly. 574 00:37:26,790 --> 00:37:30,880 Suffice to say, my knight in shining armour turned up trumps. 575 00:37:30,890 --> 00:37:34,790 I suppose we should be thankful for small mercies. Mm. 576 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:36,910 And the brown trousers. Yes. 577 00:38:06,860 --> 00:38:10,860 I'm... I'm sorry I took me time to come and see you. 578 00:38:12,730 --> 00:38:15,760 I've not been avoiding you. I've just been busy. 579 00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:19,760 Not busy in me salon. 580 00:38:19,890 --> 00:38:24,710 I mean er...business has been fairly quiet, to be honest with you. 581 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:28,730 I just... Queenie-eye, queenie-eye, who's got the ball? 582 00:38:28,740 --> 00:38:31,930 I haven't got it. It isn't in me pocket. 583 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,810 Did you ever used to say that rhyme? 584 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:42,740 Yeah. Me mam used to say it to me when I was a kid. 585 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:47,870 Why has it taken you so long to come and see me? I said I'm sorry. 586 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:49,900 I just haven't had the time. Mm. 587 00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:55,800 Look, if it's protection money you're after, I haven't got a penny. I can barely afford to pay me staff. 588 00:38:55,810 --> 00:38:59,910 Protection money? Have I asked you for any money? 589 00:39:00,730 --> 00:39:01,730 No. 590 00:39:01,740 --> 00:39:03,830 Have I made any threats towards you? 591 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:04,840 No. 592 00:39:04,850 --> 00:39:10,710 I just asked you to come and see me, Kenneth, but you ignored me. That hurt my feelings. 593 00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:12,880 Just tell me what you want! You're scaring me. 594 00:39:12,890 --> 00:39:15,920 I don't know what there is about me to be scared of. 595 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,710 Well, there's them gnashers, for a start. 596 00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:22,830 I used to say that rhyme in the playground - Who's Got The Ball? 597 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:26,860 That's where your mother learned it. Probably. No "probably" about it. 598 00:39:26,870 --> 00:39:30,830 I taught her the rhyme. What? You knew my mother? 599 00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:32,940 Brenda. Only about 50 years. 600 00:39:33,700 --> 00:39:35,810 We went to school together. 601 00:39:35,820 --> 00:39:39,770 I came to Spain in the early '70s, but we never lost touch. 602 00:39:40,830 --> 00:39:43,910 When you started your salon I made a few enquiries about you. 603 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:47,810 Because, as you know, I like to know what's going on on my patch. 604 00:39:47,820 --> 00:39:52,750 Why didn't you just come into me salon instead of sending Jack-the-Ripper notelets? 605 00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:56,720 I'm not exactly Don Corleone. 606 00:39:56,730 --> 00:40:00,780 More like Donny Osmond with them teeth. Will you shut up about me teeth? 607 00:40:00,790 --> 00:40:04,800 So you remember who taught you Queenie-Eye, Who's Got The Ball? Yeah. 608 00:40:05,750 --> 00:40:07,750 I told you. It was me mam. 609 00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:09,840 Nobody else? No. 610 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:13,900 Oh, 'ang on. 611 00:40:13,910 --> 00:40:17,930 I had an uncle. Well, not an uncle - he was a mate of me mam's. 612 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:21,750 Camp as tits, he was. He was hilarious. 613 00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:25,880 But I haven't seen him since I was about 11. Oh, God, what was his name? Erm... 614 00:40:25,890 --> 00:40:27,850 Uncle... 615 00:40:27,860 --> 00:40:28,900 Bertie? 616 00:40:29,790 --> 00:40:32,730 Bertie. That's right. Uncle Bert... 617 00:40:34,830 --> 00:40:36,790 Oh, my God. 618 00:40:38,700 --> 00:40:40,710 Herbert. Mm. 619 00:40:40,890 --> 00:40:42,890 You're Uncle Bertie. 620 00:40:43,850 --> 00:40:46,860 It's been a long time, kid. Come here. 621 00:40:47,830 --> 00:40:49,710 Oh... Eh? 622 00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:51,730 Uncle Bertie! 623 00:40:51,870 --> 00:40:55,800 'Ey, look at you. Little Kenny. Not so little now. 624 00:40:55,810 --> 00:40:59,760 No. I'm not surprised. Your mother always did keep a very good table. 625 00:40:59,920 --> 00:41:04,720 Is it true that you own every hairdressing salon between here and Valencia? 626 00:41:04,730 --> 00:41:09,740 We'll talk about that another time. I've got a bit of business to do now. 627 00:41:09,750 --> 00:41:11,780 Right, can I give you a lift somewhere? 628 00:41:11,790 --> 00:41:14,740 Yeah, you can take me to the Solana, if that's OK. 629 00:41:14,750 --> 00:41:17,940 Oh. Mm? But I have got a couple of mates with me. That's no problem. 630 00:41:18,700 --> 00:41:20,710 Oh, you will stay in touch, won't you? 631 00:41:20,720 --> 00:41:25,810 I promised your mam I'd keep an eye on you. You may not see me, but I'll be looking out for you, kid. 632 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:27,920 A promise is a promise. 633 00:41:30,890 --> 00:41:31,910 Mm? 634 00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:35,710 And you never know - I might be able to help you, as well. 635 00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:38,790 Oh, yeah? Tell me who did them teeth and I'll get them for you. 636 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,800 You cheeky bugger. 637 00:41:40,810 --> 00:41:44,930 Right, shift yourself, Queenie-Eye. Come on, let's be having you. 638 00:41:44,940 --> 00:41:46,830 Mind me 'ead. 639 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:50,900 ♪ Ah ah-ah ah 640 00:41:51,930 --> 00:41:56,700 ♪ I guess I'll never know 641 00:41:56,710 --> 00:41:58,750 It's no good, I'm ringing the police. 642 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:00,760 He's not THAT bad. 643 00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:03,770 I've heard your Mick do worse. 644 00:42:03,780 --> 00:42:06,840 Not about his singing, you daft sod. About our Michael. 645 00:42:06,850 --> 00:42:11,750 Oh, stop your mithering. They only texted about 20 minutes ago. 646 00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:13,910 I know. They keep texting, but where are they? 647 00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:16,880 ♪ Oh-h-h-h-h ♪ 648 00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:27,700 That's Clive there, with The Wonder Of You, and it's a wonder our speakers are still working! 649 00:42:27,710 --> 00:42:29,740 It was i-in the wrong key. 650 00:42:29,750 --> 00:42:31,840 You haven't got the version I usually do. 651 00:42:31,850 --> 00:42:36,800 Well, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure Elvis made a pig's ear of it now and again. 652 00:42:36,810 --> 00:42:42,900 Right, more karaoke later. But first, the Solana's very own... Asa Elliott! 653 00:42:44,860 --> 00:42:46,940 It's a terrible microphone. 654 00:42:47,700 --> 00:42:50,840 You reminded me of Elvis. Well, that was the idea. 655 00:42:50,850 --> 00:42:53,940 About two minutes before he slid off the bog. 656 00:42:54,860 --> 00:42:57,870 Tiger won't answer his mobile. Call him from your phone. 657 00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:03,710 They've texted and said they're on their way. Seven hours. Seven hours they've been gone. 658 00:43:04,910 --> 00:43:07,920 Oi! What you doing? That's our dinner! 659 00:43:07,930 --> 00:43:10,860 ♪ A few kisses ago 660 00:43:10,870 --> 00:43:14,830 Get here, you! He's absolutely pie-eyed. 661 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,860 I told you - like father, like son. Oh, shut up! 662 00:43:17,870 --> 00:43:22,830 Where've you been? Michael was showing me around Benidorm. This place is nuts. 663 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:25,910 We got your scooter, Nana, but... we crashed it. 664 00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:28,880 It's not far away, though. It's just... 665 00:43:29,790 --> 00:43:32,790 a couple of streets. None of this would have happened 666 00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:37,700 if you hadn't bought those stupid bloody pills with you! Me? You're blaming ME? 667 00:43:37,710 --> 00:43:39,730 What about Clyde and Tanya? 668 00:43:39,740 --> 00:43:43,780 If they'd brought their child up in a decent manner, it wouldn't have happened. 669 00:43:43,790 --> 00:43:46,800 Tonya! My name...is Tonya! 670 00:43:46,810 --> 00:43:49,840 His name is Clive. My name is Tonya. 671 00:43:50,850 --> 00:43:54,940 What's this shit? Why can't they put some proper music on? Right, come here, you. 672 00:43:55,700 --> 00:43:58,850 I'm...very sorry. I'm so sorry. We will replace your sausage. 673 00:43:58,860 --> 00:44:02,880 Get out! Can you hear me or is there something wrong with your ears, as well? 674 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,900 Shaming all the family! Get out! 675 00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:09,750 Another quiet night at Neptune's(!) What can I get you to drink? 676 00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:11,880 I'm fine, thanks, kiddo. I can't stop long. 677 00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:14,880 I'll get word to you. 678 00:44:15,890 --> 00:44:19,760 It's not always this rough in 'ere. Oh, you've no need to worry. 679 00:44:19,770 --> 00:44:22,820 You've got your Uncle Bertie keeping an eye on you now. 680 00:44:22,830 --> 00:44:24,890 Oh, Mateo. Mateo, have you got a minute? 681 00:44:24,900 --> 00:44:26,900 Sure. Is everything OK? Yeah, yeah. 682 00:44:26,910 --> 00:44:30,910 I just want to introduce you to somebody. Mateo, this is my Uncle Bert... 683 00:44:32,900 --> 00:44:34,900 Oh, he's...gone. 684 00:44:34,910 --> 00:44:38,850 Maybe they went to the bar. No. No, no, no. He's gone. 685 00:44:39,860 --> 00:44:41,930 He just likes to keep a low profile. 686 00:44:45,890 --> 00:44:48,820 Where've you been all this time? Just in Benidorm. 687 00:44:48,830 --> 00:44:52,930 He'll have alcoholic poisoning. Be lucky if he makes it through to the morning. 688 00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:56,780 I want another drink. Wait until your father hears about this. 689 00:44:56,790 --> 00:44:58,770 Me dad's in jail. Come on. 690 00:44:59,740 --> 00:45:01,900 I want to stay here. Mother, get his other arm. 691 00:45:01,910 --> 00:45:05,790 I'm not going anywhere. Why should he spoil MY evening? 692 00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:07,770 I love Frank Ifield. 693 00:45:09,720 --> 00:45:10,910 Get up. Come on. 694 00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:13,800 What have you done here? Oh... 695 00:45:13,810 --> 00:45:17,760 Oh, my God, you've burnt yourself! How've you done this? 696 00:45:18,710 --> 00:45:21,730 ♪ Tell them I remember 697 00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:25,760 ♪ Tell them I remember 698 00:45:25,770 --> 00:45:27,800 Oh, my God! 699 00:45:27,810 --> 00:45:29,830 I love Benidorm, me.