1 00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:16,711 ♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 2 00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:20,019 ♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪ 3 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:23,587 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 4 00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:26,113 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 5 00:00:35,905 --> 00:00:38,081 Oh, I can't believe 6 00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:41,519 my boys are high school graduates now. 7 00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:43,956 Yep. And all without openin' a single book 8 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,741 or applyin' ourselves in any way. 9 00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:48,091 Gun to my head, I couldn't find Europe on a map. 10 00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:49,353 Is it the one shaped like a hand? 11 00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:50,963 I got through two years of French 12 00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,139 just knowing five words. 13 00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,488 Baguette. 14 00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,142 Déjà vu. 15 00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:57,187 Gérard. Depardieu. 16 00:00:57,405 --> 00:01:00,103 Boys, the world is your oyster now. 17 00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:01,104 No, it ain't. 18 00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:02,323 From here on out, 19 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,020 there's no more gravy train. 20 00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,152 All right? You're an adult now, Johnny. 21 00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,589 That means responsibility. 22 00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:08,850 Don't you worry, Dad. 23 00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:10,113 You have my word. 24 00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,288 I am gonna take adulthood 25 00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:13,073 and grab it by the ass. 26 00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:14,291 Speaking of, I gotta take a dump. 27 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,293 That was a long fucking ceremony. 28 00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:18,643 Jesus, we don't all need to hear about it. 29 00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:20,428 Have a good stool, Matty. 30 00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:23,387 And, Johnny, did you do your doo-doos yet today? 31 00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:26,173 Oh, Ma, I'm 18 now. 32 00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,131 Mine is stools too. 33 00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:31,134 Oh, good heavens, you're right. 34 00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:32,744 You're right. 35 00:01:32,962 --> 00:01:33,745 Oh! 36 00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:36,183 How time flies. 37 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,450 You said someone's tokin' some reefer. 38 00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,234 No, I may have said something 39 00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:45,714 about smelling some pot. 40 00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:47,150 You know, it’s just an observation. 41 00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:49,020 Oh, an observation, huh? 42 00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:51,067 Well, who the hell are you, man, Isaac fuckin' Newton? 43 00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:52,937 It's kind of hard for me to buy that 44 00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:55,202 this guy has Isaac Newton on the tip of his tongue. 45 00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:57,073 Yeah, and he really seemed to have it locked and loaded. 46 00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:59,162 Like, "I hope a situation arises today 47 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,208 where I can mention my favorite scientist." 48 00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:02,817 Oh, look, they're gonna fight. 49 00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,167 Why don't you observe while I punch your teeth 50 00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:05,559 down your fucking throat. - Come on! 51 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,170 Why do guys always take their shirts off 52 00:02:07,388 --> 00:02:08,649 when they're about to fight? 53 00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,173 'Cause guys will always look at nipples. 54 00:02:10,391 --> 00:02:11,391 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 55 00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:12,480 If they're out, a guy's lookin'. 56 00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,177 And while he's lost in your nipples, 57 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,831 you punch him in the face. - Wow. 58 00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:17,224 Yeah. Ask Evander Holyfield. 59 00:02:17,441 --> 00:02:19,008 Hey, buddy, my fists are up here. 60 00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:20,356 Exactly. 61 00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:22,185 If JFK had been in the car shirtless, 62 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,273 he'd be alive today. 63 00:02:23,491 --> 00:02:25,275 Boys! Dinner's ready! 64 00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:26,363 To be continued. 65 00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:29,410 By the way, there's a surprise 66 00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:30,802 in the salad. 67 00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:32,456 Sun-dried tomatoes. 68 00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,415 I got turned around at the Stop and Shop, 69 00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:36,895 and I ended up in the ethnic aisle. 70 00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:39,419 Sun-dried is just a fancy word for old. 71 00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:42,205 It's a wop scam. - Italian scam. 72 00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:43,640 Wait. No. 73 00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:44,946 Save 'em and give 'em out 74 00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:46,514 to the kids with the mustaches on Halloween. 75 00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:49,256 Jesus Christ, you are such a fuckin' bigot. 76 00:02:49,473 --> 00:02:50,735 It's like I'm living with Mark Fuhrman. 77 00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,389 Oh, Christ. Not this again. 78 00:02:52,607 --> 00:02:54,217 Oh, what? Because you still can't admit 79 00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:55,914 he is a crooked, lying sack of... 80 00:02:56,132 --> 00:02:57,394 O.J. did it! All right? 81 00:02:57,612 --> 00:02:59,222 If-if the cops planted evidence, 82 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,920 it was just to make up for O.J. un-planting it. 83 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:03,312 That doesn't make any sense. 84 00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:05,272 John, how'd your interview go today? 85 00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:08,231 - What? - At my buddy Tommy's tire shop. 86 00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:10,233 Hey, it wasn't easy gettin' you in there. 87 00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:12,365 Luckily, there was an opening because Bob Donahue 88 00:03:12,366 --> 00:03:13,628 got crushed under a truck. 89 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,195 Right. The interview. 90 00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:17,066 Um... it went great. 91 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,111 I looked him right in the eye, and I gave him 92 00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:20,765 a firm handshake and everything. 93 00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:24,247 Tommy doesn't have a hand. 94 00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:26,206 - Oh. - Lost it 95 00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:27,815 in a tire balancer last year. 96 00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:30,427 This sounds like a uniquely dangerous workplace. 97 00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:33,256 - I shook his nub. - He doesn't have a nub. 98 00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:34,953 It goes all the way up to the shoulder! 99 00:03:35,171 --> 00:03:36,216 I shook his shoulder. 100 00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:37,695 He's a head on a torso! 101 00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,262 How is this guy a mechanic? 102 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,264 - Okay, Dad... - You didn't fuckin' go, did you? 103 00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,266 - No, but... - Goddammit! 104 00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:44,354 I can't fucking believe it! 105 00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:45,702 If he takes his shirt off, 106 00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,139 don't get distracted by his nipples. 107 00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:48,271 - See, the thing is... - No! 108 00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:50,142 I'm sick of your fucking excuses. 109 00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:52,536 Y-you didn't get into college. You ain't got a job. 110 00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:55,322 You ain't done nothin' but sit on your ass since June. 111 00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:57,280 Matty, he's a late bloomer. 112 00:03:57,498 --> 00:03:58,499 He's a boy, Susan. 113 00:03:58,716 --> 00:03:59,891 Don't talk about him bloomin'. 114 00:04:00,109 --> 00:04:02,285 But it's wonderful when a boy blooms. 115 00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:04,548 I said stop it! You know what? 116 00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:07,071 The two of you are kicked out of this fucking house! 117 00:04:07,072 --> 00:04:08,509 - Matty! - No more free rides! 118 00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:09,857 Matty, no! 119 00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:11,207 No. It's for his own good, Susan. 120 00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:13,296 My kid ain't gonna fuckin' wind up 121 00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:14,732 like a fuckin' welfare queen. 122 00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,256 And more racism. 123 00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:17,518 How the fuck is that racist? 124 00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:19,607 - You just said welfare queen. - So? 125 00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:21,783 So that is a racist black stereotype. 126 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,350 I never said she was black. 127 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,221 Oh, so it's automatically a woman? 128 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,745 Well, a man's not poppin' out babies just to get rich, 129 00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,530 and don't change the fuckin' subject. 130 00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:32,010 I am tired of comin' home every day 131 00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:33,925 to a house full of freeloaders who... 132 00:04:35,013 --> 00:04:36,363 Fuck! 133 00:04:36,754 --> 00:04:38,321 - Matty? - Dad, are you okay? 134 00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:40,628 Ah, it's fucking indigestion. 135 00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:41,933 Feels like... 136 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:44,327 Dom DeLuise is sitting on my chest. 137 00:04:44,545 --> 00:04:46,286 Honey, you want some Mylanta? 138 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,331 Oh, shit. 139 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,342 Doctor, is he gonna be okay? 140 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,519 He's stable, but there are blockages in his arteries, 141 00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:04,347 so another cardiac event is likely. 142 00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:06,654 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Doc. 143 00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,569 Explain it to me in sewage terms. 144 00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:11,354 Is it just a clogged sink, or is the main line blocked 145 00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,225 and the shit comin' up through the shower drain? 146 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,663 I guess it's closer to the second one. 147 00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,056 I'll need your consent to insert a stent 148 00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:19,449 into each blocked artery. 149 00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:22,017 Well, who's gonna do it? 150 00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:23,671 I'll be performing the procedure. 151 00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:26,195 Oh, yeah? 152 00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:28,197 What about this guy? 153 00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:29,807 He's a nurse. 154 00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:31,112 A guy? 155 00:05:31,113 --> 00:05:33,071 - Yes. - What the fuck's goin' on? 156 00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:34,421 Did you give me the drugs already? 157 00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:35,552 Will you stop being a fuckin' asshole 158 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:36,858 and let him save your life? 159 00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:40,383 All right. Fine. 160 00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:46,215 I'm so sorry. 161 00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:48,304 I'm a doctor in Massachusetts. 162 00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:51,133 If I didn't save racist lives, I would do nothing. 163 00:05:52,526 --> 00:05:54,484 Susan, I'm scared. 164 00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:56,660 Everything's gonna be all right, honey. 165 00:05:57,444 --> 00:05:58,879 I love you so much. 166 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,185 I love you too. 167 00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:03,667 A-and, son. 168 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,059 Yeah, Dad? 169 00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:06,975 I-I-I don't say this enough, but... 170 00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:11,240 you really need a fuckin' haircut. 171 00:06:13,285 --> 00:06:14,678 I know, Dad. 172 00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:18,116 Hey, Johnny, look, I'm the kid in the wheelchair 173 00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:20,858 at the school dance who's also havin' a good time. 174 00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:31,478 Hey. 175 00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,180 Di... 176 00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:40,530 Did you just put a breast cancer 177 00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:42,445 self-exam pamphlet in your pocket? 178 00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:43,925 It's for when I get home. 179 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,578 I'm ju... I'm just curious. 180 00:06:45,579 --> 00:06:47,450 In the fantasy, does she find a lump? 181 00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,583 Yeah. In my pants. 182 00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:52,934 Not your best work, but you're under a lot of stress. 183 00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:56,850 It's not even a photo on there. 184 00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:59,201 You're just gonna jerk off to a line drawing? 185 00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:03,466 Doctor, how is he? Is he gonna be okay? 186 00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,511 Also, the vending machine ate one of my quarters. 187 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,296 Is there a form I can fill out or... 188 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,385 The procedure went very smoothly, Mrs. Bennett. 189 00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:10,952 Oh. Thank God. 190 00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:12,126 I'm so relieved. 191 00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:13,650 So Matty's gonna be okay? 192 00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,521 Well, he's not out of the woods yet. 193 00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,132 His condition is very delicate, 194 00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:18,481 especially for the next few weeks. 195 00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:19,700 W-what does that mean? 196 00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:21,484 He needs to remain calm. 197 00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:23,486 If he gets overly agitated or angry, 198 00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,531 it could trigger another heart attack. 199 00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:26,533 Possibly be fatal. 200 00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,100 We'll say our goodbyes now. 201 00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:34,975 - ♪ It's too hot ♪ - ♪ Too hot ♪ 202 00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:37,108 ♪ Too hot... ♪ 203 00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:40,198 I think the best part of The Grind is all the grindin'. 204 00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:43,114 We're blessed to live in a time when dancing is just girls 205 00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:46,378 rubbin' their butts against the dick area of guys' jeans. 206 00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:49,164 The patient is resting comfortably. 207 00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:51,601 He's not pissed about having to eat egg whites from now on? 208 00:07:51,819 --> 00:07:54,430 Oh, I disguise them with yellow food coloring. 209 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,519 And tonight, I'm gonna use red dye 210 00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:59,130 to make the ground turkey look like ground beef. 211 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:02,003 This must be what it feels like to be a spy. 212 00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,529 Oh, Johnny, please change the channel. 213 00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:08,618 I don't want your father to hear this. 214 00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,273 He calls it burglary music. 215 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,970 Delightful. 216 00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:15,189 All right, Mr. Simpson, would you 217 00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:16,713 please stand and face the jury? 218 00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:19,542 Oh, my God, I think they're about to announce the verdict. 219 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,544 We, the jury in the above-entitled action, 220 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,633 find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, 221 00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:25,591 not guilty of the crime of murder. 222 00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,550 Holy shit. He got away with it. 223 00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:29,944 Well, that was a year and a half of our lives. 224 00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:33,251 Oh, this is very, very bad. 225 00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:34,775 Well, at least it might finally teach 226 00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:36,471 the LAPD a lesson. 227 00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:39,170 Matty's always talkin' about how guilty O.J. is. 228 00:08:39,388 --> 00:08:41,869 If he finds out about this, he'll get so angry 229 00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:43,566 it could kill him. 230 00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:46,308 Making him O.J.'s third victim. 231 00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:56,840 Matty will be up soon. How do we tell him about O.J.? 232 00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:58,799 Oh, let's tell him Johnny's gay. 233 00:08:59,016 --> 00:09:00,801 When he finds out it's not true, he'll be so relieved 234 00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,497 he won't even care about O.J. 235 00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:03,673 That's a stupid plan. 236 00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:05,065 Well, it's worth a try. 237 00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:06,109 Now, we're gonna need rollerblades, 238 00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:07,634 bicycle shorts, and some ice cream 239 00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:08,635 to get angry at. 240 00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:09,810 What does that mean? 241 00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:10,811 Well, because the ice cream 242 00:09:11,028 --> 00:09:12,115 wants you to eat it, 243 00:09:12,116 --> 00:09:13,596 but you gotta keep your body lean 244 00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:14,728 for shenanigans. 245 00:09:15,511 --> 00:09:16,556 What if we don't tell him? 246 00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:18,427 - What? - He's stuck in bed. 247 00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:19,341 He'll never know. 248 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,297 Yes, he will. 249 00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:21,343 There's a TV up there. 250 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,039 It's a Zenith. 251 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,693 We can cut the wires and tell him the cable's out. 252 00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:26,478 - What, forever? - No. Not forever. 253 00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:28,567 Just till he's better and he can handle the news. 254 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,831 - That could work. - Are you serious? 255 00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:32,615 Blaire, you heard the doctor. 256 00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,442 If he gets pissed off, it'll kill him. 257 00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:37,925 Oh, I can't lose my Matty. What would I do without him? 258 00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:39,273 Thrive. 259 00:09:39,274 --> 00:09:40,841 I feel like this is all my fault. 260 00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:43,321 Dad would have never had that heart attack 261 00:09:43,539 --> 00:09:45,846 if he hadn't been so upset about me bein' lazy. 262 00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,239 Blaire, we gotta do this. 263 00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:51,329 Fine. 264 00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:53,070 It's not all your fault, Johnny. 265 00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:55,856 I've seen him put a scoop of Crisco on an ice cream cone. 266 00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,988 He does love his Cris-cones. 267 00:09:58,554 --> 00:09:59,511 Mm. 268 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:24,624 Goddammit! 269 00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:26,843 Susan! 270 00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,410 Matty, what's the matter? 271 00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:31,631 Something wrong with the TV. I can't get shit. 272 00:10:31,805 --> 00:10:33,894 Oh, yeah. The, uh, the cable company called. 273 00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,722 They said it's gonna be out for at least a week. 274 00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:36,984 Why don't you read a book? 275 00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:38,376 What am I, a woman? 276 00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,552 - Uh... - Guys are nurses, 277 00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:41,684 men reading books. 278 00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:43,163 Janet Reno. 279 00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,556 What the fuck is goin' on with the world? 280 00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:45,992 Matty, don't get upset. 281 00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:48,560 Remember, the doctor said to keep calm. 282 00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:49,996 I wanna watch the news. 283 00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:52,216 The O.J. verdict's gotta be out by now. 284 00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:54,784 You know what? I'll call Trammel's. 285 00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:56,090 Maybe somebody's heard something. 286 00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:57,700 He's guilty! 287 00:10:58,179 --> 00:10:59,614 - What? - Yeah, Dad. 288 00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:01,225 O.J. was found guilty, just like you were hopin'. 289 00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:02,923 So there's no reason to be upset. 290 00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:04,664 Why the hell didn't you guys tell me? 291 00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:09,756 I was... gonna tell you after you filled your bedpan. 292 00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:11,192 As a reward. 293 00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:15,283 Oh! Oh, man. 294 00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:17,589 Oh, I... I wish I could have seen 295 00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:18,939 the look on O.J.'s face 296 00:11:19,156 --> 00:11:20,417 when they read that verdict. 297 00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:22,856 See, Blaire, even your black jury agrees 298 00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:24,945 with me about the cops. 299 00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,034 You gotta feel pretty fucking stupid right now. 300 00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:30,559 Oh, I... feel stupid. 301 00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:33,736 Man, I can't wait to read about this in tomorrow's paper. 302 00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,215 - What? - Yeah. 303 00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:36,695 Bring it to me first thing in the mornin'. 304 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,741 You know what? They, they might not even cover it. 305 00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:40,220 Of course they're gonna cover it. 306 00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:41,962 It's the biggest news story of the year. 307 00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:43,832 Right. There's no gettin' around that. 308 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:46,183 In the meantime, I can just listen to the news on the radio. 309 00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:51,972 - Oops. - Oh, butterfingers. 310 00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:55,976 It's like he-he's got butter 311 00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:57,847 on, all over your fingers, 312 00:11:58,456 --> 00:11:59,544 with what just happened. 313 00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:01,590 Right? 314 00:12:01,764 --> 00:12:03,592 Go wash your fingers. Huh? 315 00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:05,855 Go wash your fingers. 316 00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:12,993 Well, we're already back in fuckin' school. 317 00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:14,820 That didn't take long. - Yeah. 318 00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:17,039 I can't believe how easy it was to break into this place. 319 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,999 Yeah, probably be easy to come in, 320 00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:20,827 set a bunch of explosives, kill everybody. 321 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,742 Jesus fuckin' Christ, Teddy! 322 00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,004 What? I'm sayin' it's a flaw. 323 00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:25,396 I'm-I'm pointin' it out. I'm helping. 324 00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:26,919 Seriously, what the fuck is... 325 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,530 Oh, come on, Johnny, you know I'm a good guy. 326 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,314 You've seen my manifesto. 327 00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,627 Ah, sweet. They got everything we need. 328 00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:41,499 - We sure we can pull this off? - Oh, totally. 329 00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,501 How hard could it be to make a fake newspaper? 330 00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,852 I mean, it's just a big headline that says "O.J. Guilty" 331 00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:48,070 and then a bunch of bullshit about how justice was served. 332 00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,464 Johnny, there's more to a paper 333 00:12:49,681 --> 00:12:50,594 than one article. 334 00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:52,032 Real papers have sports sections 335 00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,512 and restaurant reviews and comics and Jumble, 336 00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:56,645 that scrambled word game that's no fun 337 00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:58,212 and way harder than you think it'll be. 338 00:12:58,429 --> 00:12:59,778 Shit. You're right. 339 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,650 We got a lot of work to do. - Exactly. 340 00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:03,043 Now, we got a long night ahead of us. 341 00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:05,045 I want 500 words on the Big Dig. 342 00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:07,089 And where's the girl with my egg salad sandwich? 343 00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:08,090 Right away, Queef. 344 00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:12,792 All right. Let's keep my dad from dying. 345 00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:22,105 Hey, Dad. How you doin'? 346 00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:23,498 Bored as shit. 347 00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:25,065 Well, get ready to cheer up, 348 00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:26,849 'cause here's today's paper. 349 00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:29,721 A little thinner than usual. 350 00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:31,332 Oh, uh... 351 00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:33,551 well, the newspaper people were probably so focused 352 00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:36,250 on the main part that they ran out of time for the other stuff. 353 00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,120 Or maybe someone was goofin' off, 354 00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:39,862 accidentally unplugged the computer, 355 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,602 and they lost hours of work. 356 00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,344 Well, maybe that person needed to blow off some steam 357 00:13:43,561 --> 00:13:45,128 because his editor was ridin' him so hard. 358 00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:48,130 Maybe the editor resents having to hire the owner's nephew. 359 00:13:48,131 --> 00:13:51,046 Well, maybe that writer hasn't seen his kid in fuckin' weeks 360 00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,093 because the editor is such a goddamn slave driver! 361 00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:55,095 Maybe this city's full of promising young journalists 362 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,139 who'd be happy to take his fuckin' seat in a second! 363 00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,794 Maybe suck a dick or two along the way. 364 00:14:00,404 --> 00:14:02,537 Look at this, huh? Ha ha! 365 00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:04,626 "Simpson was found guilty of murdering 366 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,150 "a blonde lady and another guy because he totally did it, 367 00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:10,153 "and anyone that thinks different is an idiot." 368 00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:11,938 Just like I've been sayin'. 369 00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:13,809 Yeah, almost word for word. 370 00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:15,593 See what else is happenin', huh? 371 00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:21,121 "Sox Win Makes Yankees Fans Cry." 372 00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:24,515 "UN Declares America Did Win Vietnam." 373 00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:27,736 Finally, a good news day. And look at this. 374 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:30,173 "Jane Fonda Admits 'I'm a piece of shit.'" 375 00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:31,566 If you're lookin' for a chuckle, 376 00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,176 maybe check out the comic strip. 377 00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:34,699 Comic strip? 378 00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:39,139 The Galumphs. What's this? 379 00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:41,837 Uh, it's new, but I've been hearing good things. 380 00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:44,318 Apparently it's about a family called the Galumphs 381 00:14:44,535 --> 00:14:46,668 who get into all sorts of mischief 382 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,322 but love each other at the end of the day. 383 00:14:48,539 --> 00:14:49,932 It's not drawn too good. 384 00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:51,151 Yeah, it's not supposed to be slick. 385 00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:52,152 That's part of the charm. 386 00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:55,590 He, he brought a... He brought a beach chair 387 00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:56,765 to the DMV. 388 00:14:58,158 --> 00:14:59,855 He knows he's gonna be there all day. 389 00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,161 Classic Galumphs. 390 00:15:01,378 --> 00:15:02,770 All right, we'll leave you to it. 391 00:15:02,771 --> 00:15:04,816 Enjoy that article about Clinton's hemorrhoids. 392 00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:07,254 Hey, don't forget to bring me tomorrow's newspaper too. 393 00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:08,689 Tomorrow? 394 00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,170 Yeah, I'm sure they'll have 395 00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:11,735 all the sections by then. 396 00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:13,869 I wanna know what these Galumphs get up to next. 397 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:15,523 Yeah, me too. 398 00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:17,220 We're gonna need some help. 399 00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:25,663 All right, here's the headline for tomorrow's paper. 400 00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:27,577 "Forty Minutes on Toilet 401 00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:30,190 Equal to Running Two Miles." Oh, this is terrific. 402 00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:31,887 Blaire, how's the business section coming? 403 00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:35,195 I just finished a piece on gender-based pay discrepancy. 404 00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:37,284 Are you fuckin' crazy? I can't print this. 405 00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:40,287 It's all true. Women make 72 cents on the dollar. 406 00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:41,723 I don't give a shit about the truth. 407 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,332 We're tryin' to keep Matty alive. 408 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,857 So we're just gonna create a bubble around him 409 00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,249 where all he ever hears is news 410 00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:49,252 that reinforces his warped worldview? 411 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,428 - Pretty much. - Give me something I can use. 412 00:15:51,646 --> 00:15:54,605 Like "Scientists Prove Women Worse Drivers" 413 00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:57,826 or "Tipping With Change is More than Enough." 414 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,393 Why can't one of you guys do it? 415 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,221 No. I'm working on a huge story. 416 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:03,440 "There's No Reason to Turn the Heat On." 417 00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:05,529 And I still gotta figure out tomorrow's Galumphs. 418 00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:06,966 Okay, how about this? 419 00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:08,444 Gary Galumph tells his wife 420 00:16:08,445 --> 00:16:10,317 to get all gussied up for a fancy dinner, 421 00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:12,014 and then he takes her to the grocery store 422 00:16:12,232 --> 00:16:13,493 to fill up on free samples. 423 00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:15,844 I'm smiling, but I'm not laughing yet. 424 00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:17,933 Okay. Uh, is this anything? 425 00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:19,760 Gary Galumph is on the treadmill, 426 00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:22,242 and then we cut wider to reveal that he's on roller skates. 427 00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:23,504 Yeah, they did something similar 428 00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:25,114 in yesterday's Wizard of Id. 429 00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:26,854 All right. Uh... 430 00:16:26,855 --> 00:16:29,510 Gladys Galumph becomes a health inspector for the city, 431 00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:31,512 and she finds a cockroach in the kitchen 432 00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:32,947 at one of the restaurants. 433 00:16:32,948 --> 00:16:34,383 And before she can shut the place down, 434 00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,647 the cockroach says, "Excuse me, ma'am, I'm the owner." 435 00:16:36,865 --> 00:16:39,433 Yes, yes, yes. Draw, draw, draw. 436 00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:40,695 Fuck, draw. 437 00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:51,314 Well, someone's feelin' better. 438 00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:52,968 Look at this. Look at this. 439 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:55,144 "Hillary Clinton Spotted at Urinal." 440 00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:56,666 I fuckin' knew it! 441 00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,320 Hey, Dad, did you see today's Galumphs? 442 00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:00,323 Oh, the best one so far. 443 00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:03,283 I-I'll tell you, any time a dog wears sunglasses, 444 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,153 you got my attention. 445 00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:07,026 I don't think I've ever seen you smile, 446 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,289 but not quite laugh, so much. 447 00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:11,291 Well, the world finally makes sense, Susan. 448 00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:15,295 O.J. got what he deserved. The Sox are on a winning streak. 449 00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:16,383 You know, the only, the only problem is 450 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,340 the damn cable's still out. 451 00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:19,125 Fuck it. 452 00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:20,299 I'm gonna call, 453 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,388 see what's taking 'em so long. 454 00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,303 Uh, oh, wait, uh, no, actually 455 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,218 you don't have to do that because... 456 00:17:25,435 --> 00:17:26,915 they're coming by tomorrow. 457 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,699 Finally. 458 00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:33,487 John, if we fix the cable, he's gonna find out about O.J. 459 00:17:33,704 --> 00:17:35,315 Well, what if we make our own news? 460 00:17:35,663 --> 00:17:36,751 - Huh? - We got all that 461 00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:37,881 video equipment at school. 462 00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,319 We just need to find an actor. 463 00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:42,409 Sadly, we know one. 464 00:17:45,325 --> 00:17:46,065 Come in. 465 00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:49,981 What do you two want? 466 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:52,332 Here's something you probably never heard before. 467 00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,334 We'd like to hire you again. 468 00:17:58,164 --> 00:17:59,339 Well, look, I'd love to help you out, 469 00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,341 but I have a strict rule against sequels. 470 00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:03,255 - Oh, do you? - Yeah, I do. 471 00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:05,345 I hate seeing actors like Harrison Ford, Pacino, 472 00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:06,824 guys not without talent, 473 00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:08,522 throwing it all away for a quick buck. 474 00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:10,218 - This is not a... level. - Yeah. No. 475 00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:11,351 - This is something much simpler. - It's not like that. 476 00:18:11,568 --> 00:18:12,352 It's a, it's a new role. - Yeah. 477 00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:13,440 It's a newscaster. 478 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:15,355 Go on. 479 00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:16,572 - That's sorta it. - Yeah, that's it. 480 00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:18,401 - Yeah. - Yeah. That's the role. 481 00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:24,364 Uh, could this newscaster have a son, uh, in the hospital? 482 00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:27,409 - Uh, yeah. Sure. - Uh... I mean, I guess. 483 00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,369 That's why his job means so much to him. 484 00:18:29,586 --> 00:18:30,760 Watching the news is the only way 485 00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:32,589 his bedridden son can feel connected 486 00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,156 to the outside world. 487 00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:35,462 With the comforting face of his father 488 00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:37,028 as a beacon in the dark. 489 00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:38,073 Yeah, we don't really need, uh... 490 00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,508 You know what? 491 00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:40,902 I could play the son in a flash forward. 492 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,250 Yeah, we're not makin' a movie here. 493 00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:43,861 And I feel like we need to be daring. 494 00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:46,690 This-this newscaster's grappling with his own sexuality, 495 00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:48,430 and as a result, he's never been able 496 00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,390 to have an authentic moment with his son. 497 00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:51,913 And now it might be too late. 498 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:52,914 Right. 499 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,045 Because of the cancer. 500 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:55,395 Oh, my God. 501 00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,179 I mean, this is how people win Oscars. 502 00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,615 - Bingo. - Hey, hey, hey, hey. 503 00:18:58,833 --> 00:18:59,790 The fuck are you doing? 504 00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:01,488 - What? - Don't encourage this. 505 00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,838 And the sex scene should be, uh, ambiguous. 506 00:19:04,055 --> 00:19:05,622 I mean, sex to him is a rubicon. 507 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,449 I want the sex scenes to raise questions, 508 00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:09,800 but provide no answers. - Yeah, this is getting kinda... 509 00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:11,628 I'm willing to have sex on camera. 510 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,239 Okay, look, there's also another role 511 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,153 we need you to play. 512 00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:15,415 Dual roles? 513 00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:16,719 Oh, wow. I'm loving this. 514 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,330 What's the other part? 515 00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:20,942 It's a cable guy who comes to the house to fix the cable. 516 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,423 Could I, uh, could I pitch you something? 517 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:24,424 Sure. 518 00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:25,729 - You ready? - Yeah. 519 00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:27,469 - He's retarded. - No. 520 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:28,689 - Oh, yeah. - No. 521 00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:30,647 He's full-blown, one wheel in the sand. 522 00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,345 Doesn't help us at all. 523 00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:35,130 Okay, now remember, just put the tape in the VCR 524 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:36,565 and pretend to fix the cable. 525 00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:37,872 Sure thing, guv'nor. 526 00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:39,482 I just moved here from old Blighty, 527 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,004 lookin' to start a new life. 528 00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:42,659 No, no. No, no, no. We talked about this. 529 00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:43,965 Just get in the fuckin' house. 530 00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:48,970 And no limps! 531 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,929 Hey, Dad. 532 00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:53,801 Look who we just ran into out on the steps. 533 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,455 It's the cable guy. 534 00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:58,675 Oh, about goddamn time. Can you fix the cable? 535 00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:00,460 Yeah, blood, I can fix the cable. 536 00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:02,201 No, no. Get the fuck to work. 537 00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,596 Anythin', uh, good in the paper today? 538 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,120 Kangaroos are fake. 539 00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:10,121 Fuckin' called it. 540 00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:11,775 What? No, they're not. 541 00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:13,690 Olivia Newton-John admitted it. 542 00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,475 Educate yourself, Blaire. 543 00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:17,519 Fuckin' A. 544 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,130 The world's finally gettin' good, 545 00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:20,915 and I'm stuck at home. 546 00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:22,350 Maybe I should go for a walk. 547 00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:24,223 - Oh, no, no. - No! No, no. Home is better. 548 00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:26,311 Okay. All finished. 549 00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:27,791 Wow, that was fast. 550 00:20:28,009 --> 00:20:31,099 Guess I'll go, uh, turn on the TV. 551 00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:35,103 Good evening. 552 00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:36,496 I'm Chad Farnsworth, 553 00:20:36,713 --> 00:20:38,933 and this is your world. 554 00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:40,063 Who the hell is this? 555 00:20:40,064 --> 00:20:41,501 I've never seen this guy before. 556 00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:43,284 He seems complicated. 557 00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:46,506 Our top story, O.J. Simpson is still behind bars, 558 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:47,942 where reportedly... 559 00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:49,160 he cries himself 560 00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:50,510 to sleep each night. 561 00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:51,684 Fuckin' yes! 562 00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:53,252 Asked if reopening Alcatraz 563 00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:54,514 is a little extreme, 564 00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:56,037 the California governor said, 565 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,560 "Not for this monster." 566 00:20:57,778 --> 00:20:58,735 Amen. 567 00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,520 And now let's check in 568 00:21:00,737 --> 00:21:03,218 with our weather girl, Haley Snowden. 569 00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:05,133 Haley, uh, what's the weather forecast 570 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:06,438 for the weekend look like? 571 00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,528 Oh, not so good, Chad... 572 00:21:08,745 --> 00:21:10,530 unless you're a duck. 573 00:21:10,747 --> 00:21:13,272 Good one, Haley. 574 00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:17,579 Uh, we're sleeping together. I can't keep my hands off her. 575 00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:19,321 Not even at work. 576 00:21:20,670 --> 00:21:21,802 Oh, yeah. 577 00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:24,544 Oh, my gosh. 578 00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:26,807 I haven't felt like this since my wife died. 579 00:21:27,024 --> 00:21:28,287 Mm! Ohh! 580 00:21:28,504 --> 00:21:30,288 Okay, that's enough of that. 581 00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:35,075 We're fucked. 582 00:21:35,076 --> 00:21:37,165 Dad's gonna be expecting another newscast tomorrow. 583 00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:39,080 Well, that's our life now, Johnny. 584 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,517 Preparing a daily paper and nightly news. 585 00:21:41,952 --> 00:21:43,998 We are a two-man media empire. 586 00:21:44,215 --> 00:21:45,565 Oh, and by the way, I fired Blaire. 587 00:21:45,782 --> 00:21:46,609 She's suing us. 588 00:21:47,088 --> 00:21:48,524 Have you boys seen Matty? 589 00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:50,874 He's not in the bedroom, and I can't find him anywhere. 590 00:21:51,092 --> 00:21:52,528 No. 591 00:21:55,618 --> 00:21:57,619 He-he's not in the garage or the basement. 592 00:21:57,620 --> 00:22:00,580 His coat's gone, but the car is still here. 593 00:22:00,797 --> 00:22:02,059 He-he must have gone for a walk. 594 00:22:02,538 --> 00:22:04,584 Oh, shit. He's out in the world. 595 00:22:04,801 --> 00:22:07,543 He could learn the truth and have another heart attack. 596 00:22:10,633 --> 00:22:12,809 Hey, how about those fuckin' fake kangaroos, huh? 597 00:22:13,027 --> 00:22:14,071 What? 598 00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:30,958 - Excuse me, sir? - Yeah? 599 00:22:31,175 --> 00:22:32,785 Sir, we're doing a man-on-the-street interview 600 00:22:32,786 --> 00:22:34,090 for Channel Six News. 601 00:22:34,091 --> 00:22:35,310 Would you be willing to give your opinion? 602 00:22:35,702 --> 00:22:37,181 Always. 603 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,575 We're wondering how you feel about the O.J. verdict. 604 00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:40,880 Oh, I love it. 605 00:22:40,881 --> 00:22:42,361 Makes me proud to be an American. 606 00:22:42,578 --> 00:22:44,188 - Really? - Absolutely. 607 00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:45,973 I-I would have done the exact same thing 608 00:22:46,190 --> 00:22:47,366 if I was on that jury. 609 00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:48,714 What about those who say 610 00:22:48,715 --> 00:22:50,586 the verdict was racially motivated? 611 00:22:50,804 --> 00:22:51,544 Bullshit. 612 00:22:51,761 --> 00:22:52,980 As far as I'm concerned, 613 00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:55,199 O.J. is getting exactly what he deserves. 614 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,071 Okay, well, thank you for your time. 615 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,682 Hey, can you believe your weather lady's 616 00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,380 fuckin' the anchor? 617 00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:10,998 Hey, Matty. Ain't seen you in a few days. 618 00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:13,653 What you been up to? - Uh, I had a heart attack. Yeah. 619 00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:15,785 They had to put a fuckin' stent in my artery. 620 00:23:16,003 --> 00:23:17,787 Oh, yeah? I got one of those. 621 00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:19,876 Yeah, I'm mostly stent at this point. 622 00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:21,574 They give you last rites? - No. 623 00:23:21,791 --> 00:23:23,445 Oh, then don't fuckin' bore me. 624 00:23:23,663 --> 00:23:26,709 Hey, how about that O.J. verdict, huh? 625 00:23:26,927 --> 00:23:29,277 Oh, don't remind me. I'm still pissed off about it. 626 00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:31,627 Why? For once they got it right. 627 00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:33,020 Are you shittin' me? 628 00:23:33,237 --> 00:23:34,108 The whole thing was rigged. 629 00:23:34,325 --> 00:23:35,892 Well, maybe a little. 630 00:23:36,110 --> 00:23:37,851 But, you know, sometimes you gotta put your thumb 631 00:23:38,068 --> 00:23:40,636 on the scales of justice just to make sure things turn out fair. 632 00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:43,204 Justice? You don't know what you're fuckin' talkin' about. 633 00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:44,248 The hell I don't. 634 00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:45,379 Hey, hey. 635 00:23:45,380 --> 00:23:46,686 I got other customers here, huh? 636 00:23:46,903 --> 00:23:49,602 Yeah, you're right. We shouldn't be bickering. 637 00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:50,951 We, we sound like 638 00:23:51,168 --> 00:23:53,040 Gary and Gladys Galumph. 639 00:23:53,388 --> 00:23:54,302 Who? 640 00:23:54,868 --> 00:23:55,956 From the comic strip. 641 00:23:56,173 --> 00:23:57,087 Never heard of it. 642 00:23:57,871 --> 00:23:59,349 It's in the paper every day. 643 00:23:59,350 --> 00:24:01,091 I think they put that stent in your fuckin' brain. 644 00:24:01,483 --> 00:24:04,093 The... the fuckin' Galumphs! Jesus Christ. 645 00:24:04,094 --> 00:24:07,054 You know, "Oh, Gladys, my achin' back." The Galumphs! 646 00:24:07,271 --> 00:24:09,056 I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about! 647 00:24:09,273 --> 00:24:10,840 They're making a movie with Rosie O'Donnell. 648 00:24:11,058 --> 00:24:13,060 Oh, Matty, thank God. There you are. 649 00:24:13,277 --> 00:24:15,149 Dad, we were lookin' all over for you. 650 00:24:15,366 --> 00:24:17,368 Honey, you gotta come home. You need your rest. 651 00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:19,066 I don't wanna go. I just got my beer. 652 00:24:19,283 --> 00:24:20,241 You gotta get him outta here, Susan. 653 00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:21,721 He's talkin' fuckin' crazy. 654 00:24:21,938 --> 00:24:22,982 - Come on, Matty. - I'm talking... 655 00:24:22,983 --> 00:24:24,157 - Let's go. - He's fuckin' crazy! 656 00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:25,507 He's never heard of the fuckin' Galumphs! 657 00:24:25,725 --> 00:24:27,377 There ain't no Galumphs, asshole! 658 00:24:27,378 --> 00:24:29,555 You wouldn't know! You don't fuckin' read, you dumb fuck! 659 00:24:29,772 --> 00:24:32,471 I read Garfield like a regular fuckin' human being, fuckface! 660 00:24:32,645 --> 00:24:34,123 Fuck Garfield and fuck you! 661 00:24:34,124 --> 00:24:36,083 You should have been a fuckin' blowjob, asshole! 662 00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:38,259 Why don't you go shit in another urinal, you drunk fuck? 663 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:39,390 Get him outta here. 664 00:24:40,653 --> 00:24:42,176 Glad you're doin' better, though. 665 00:24:49,923 --> 00:24:51,097 He's asleep. 666 00:24:51,098 --> 00:24:52,795 Well, that was a close fuckin' call. 667 00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:56,363 You guys, this is insane. We have to tell him the truth. 668 00:24:56,364 --> 00:24:57,974 It's too risky. 669 00:24:58,192 --> 00:25:00,150 Plus, I already started working on tomorrow's Galumphs. 670 00:25:00,368 --> 00:25:02,936 Gary goes as himself for Halloween 'cause of inflation. 671 00:25:03,153 --> 00:25:03,980 Ha! 672 00:25:04,198 --> 00:25:04,938 Maybe we should wait 673 00:25:05,155 --> 00:25:06,505 a little while longer 674 00:25:06,722 --> 00:25:08,332 until he gets his strength back. 675 00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:10,378 No, this is fucking crazy! 676 00:25:10,552 --> 00:25:12,119 He walked to Trammel's. 677 00:25:12,336 --> 00:25:14,163 That's the most exercise he's gotten in years. 678 00:25:14,164 --> 00:25:15,122 He's fine. 679 00:25:15,339 --> 00:25:16,514 He almost got in a fistfight 680 00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:18,168 over fucking Garfield and survived. 681 00:25:18,386 --> 00:25:21,041 But he's enjoying his new life. 682 00:25:21,258 --> 00:25:24,173 Please, Blaire, all we have to do is lie to him forever 683 00:25:24,174 --> 00:25:25,872 and he'll be happy. 684 00:25:33,967 --> 00:25:35,229 Hello? 685 00:25:37,187 --> 00:25:39,146 I-I'm supposed to meet somebody here. 686 00:25:39,842 --> 00:25:40,974 Hello? 687 00:25:41,670 --> 00:25:44,194 I have some information you might want. 688 00:25:45,108 --> 00:25:46,022 Blaire? 689 00:25:46,414 --> 00:25:47,720 Yes. 690 00:25:47,937 --> 00:25:49,460 What the fuck are we doin' here? 691 00:25:49,635 --> 00:25:50,896 Do they know you're gone? 692 00:25:50,897 --> 00:25:52,725 No. I-I climbed out the bathroom window 693 00:25:52,942 --> 00:25:53,812 like the note said. 694 00:25:53,813 --> 00:25:55,249 What the fuck is goin' on? 695 00:25:55,815 --> 00:25:57,556 The rest of the family doesn't want you to see this, 696 00:25:57,730 --> 00:26:00,559 but... I can't keep living a lie. 697 00:26:03,605 --> 00:26:06,565 What's this? Some kinda joke paper? 698 00:26:06,782 --> 00:26:09,916 No, Matty, it's the real newspaper. 699 00:26:10,481 --> 00:26:12,179 O.J. is a free man. 700 00:26:13,702 --> 00:26:16,009 - What? - Read the rest. 701 00:26:19,099 --> 00:26:21,449 It's... it says Cleveland swept the Red Sox 702 00:26:21,623 --> 00:26:22,885 out of the playoffs. 703 00:26:23,103 --> 00:26:25,192 Of course they lost. They're the Red Sox. 704 00:26:25,409 --> 00:26:27,194 - You are fuckin' with me! - Look at the funnies. 705 00:26:29,239 --> 00:26:30,589 Wha... 706 00:26:30,806 --> 00:26:33,766 The Galumphs! Where are the fucking Galumphs? 707 00:26:33,983 --> 00:26:36,203 There are no Galumphs, Matty. 708 00:26:36,943 --> 00:26:38,334 But... 709 00:26:38,335 --> 00:26:41,208 But Hillary Clinton, her dick was real, right? 710 00:26:43,297 --> 00:26:45,212 No, she has a vagina. 711 00:26:52,349 --> 00:26:53,220 Oh, my... 712 00:27:02,098 --> 00:27:03,839 Hey, look, that's the guy from the news. 713 00:27:04,057 --> 00:27:06,842 Hey! Thanks for stickin' up for O.J. 714 00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:08,321 Wh-what? 715 00:27:08,322 --> 00:27:10,890 You're the blackest white man in Boston! 716 00:27:23,163 --> 00:27:25,469 Oh, my God. Um... I-I-I'll call an ambulance. 717 00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:27,820 No. 718 00:27:28,037 --> 00:27:29,256 Let me die. 719 00:27:38,308 --> 00:27:39,832 Oh, Matty. 720 00:27:40,049 --> 00:27:41,268 Thank God you're okay. 721 00:27:41,485 --> 00:27:43,966 I was so scared. - I'm fine. 722 00:27:44,184 --> 00:27:46,011 I'm actually starting to get used to these heart attacks. 723 00:27:46,012 --> 00:27:47,534 Next one should be a breeze. Aw. 724 00:27:47,535 --> 00:27:50,277 Oh, you're not allowed to have any more heart attacks. 725 00:27:50,494 --> 00:27:53,280 We're gonna have a, a long life together. 726 00:27:54,542 --> 00:27:56,065 I love you, Matty Bennett. 727 00:27:56,587 --> 00:27:57,979 I love you too, Susan. 728 00:27:57,980 --> 00:27:59,547 I'm sorry, Uncle Matty. 729 00:27:59,808 --> 00:28:02,332 I thought telling you the truth was the right thing to do. 730 00:28:02,550 --> 00:28:05,727 I-I didn't realize you were so... entrenched. 731 00:28:06,423 --> 00:28:08,295 Anyways, yeah, I'm-I'm sorry. 732 00:28:08,512 --> 00:28:10,035 No, it's all my fault. 733 00:28:10,036 --> 00:28:12,691 This whole thing started 'cause I'm a freeloadin' fuckup, 734 00:28:12,865 --> 00:28:15,694 and I fucked it up even worse by tricking ya. 735 00:28:15,911 --> 00:28:18,000 I don't blame you for being pissed. 736 00:28:18,218 --> 00:28:19,392 Are you kiddin'? 737 00:28:19,393 --> 00:28:22,004 I'm not pissed. I'm fuckin' impressed. 738 00:28:22,222 --> 00:28:24,006 - What? - Yeah. 739 00:28:24,224 --> 00:28:27,357 You made a whole newspaper every day for a week. 740 00:28:27,575 --> 00:28:29,882 Shit, it was some of the best sports writing 741 00:28:30,099 --> 00:28:31,318 I've read in years. 742 00:28:31,535 --> 00:28:32,928 And, and the news. 743 00:28:33,146 --> 00:28:35,626 Johnny, you created an entire world. 744 00:28:35,801 --> 00:28:37,324 A world I wanna live in. 745 00:28:37,541 --> 00:28:39,326 Where the Red Sox don't suck. 746 00:28:39,543 --> 00:28:41,545 Where Madonna is dead. 747 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,462 And where a white guy in America can finally get a fair shake. 748 00:28:45,941 --> 00:28:46,986 Could I get some morphine? 749 00:28:47,203 --> 00:28:48,988 Sure. I'll join you. 750 00:28:49,205 --> 00:28:50,729 Yeah, it was a lie, but... 751 00:28:51,468 --> 00:28:53,383 it gave me somethin' to believe in. 752 00:28:54,384 --> 00:28:55,995 And if you can do all that... 753 00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:59,563 I know you can do anything you set your mind to. 754 00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,348 It was kind of a two-man operation. 755 00:29:01,565 --> 00:29:03,045 So you don't think I'm a fuckup? 756 00:29:03,263 --> 00:29:04,786 You got potential, Johnny. 757 00:29:05,961 --> 00:29:07,354 I'm proud of you. 758 00:29:08,398 --> 00:29:09,791 Thanks, Dad. 759 00:29:21,063 --> 00:29:23,587 Oh, man, it's just startin' to hit me 760 00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,024 that high school's really over. 761 00:29:25,241 --> 00:29:26,851 Yeah, there's no denyin' it. 762 00:29:26,852 --> 00:29:30,203 You and I are now responsible adult members of society. 763 00:29:30,420 --> 00:29:31,899 Hand me that bong. 764 00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:34,163 We'll probably end up getting our own place soon. 765 00:29:34,381 --> 00:29:35,991 You think Mom will still come over to, like, 766 00:29:36,209 --> 00:29:37,688 do our laundry and clean up and shit? 767 00:29:37,863 --> 00:29:39,429 Abso-fucking-lutely not. 768 00:29:39,647 --> 00:29:40,648 She's right, Johnny. 769 00:29:40,822 --> 00:29:41,997 We're grown-ups now. 770 00:29:42,215 --> 00:29:43,477 We'll bring the laundry to Susan. 771 00:29:43,694 --> 00:29:46,567 I say we become industrial bigwigs 772 00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:48,612 with an office in the World Trade Center. 773 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:50,614 Two offices, one in each tower. 774 00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:52,399 And a satellite office in the Pentagon 775 00:29:52,616 --> 00:29:54,183 for all those fat government contracts. 776 00:29:54,401 --> 00:29:55,880 And a summer home for vacations. 777 00:29:55,881 --> 00:29:58,231 I hear they got some great open land in Pennsylvania. 778 00:29:58,448 --> 00:29:59,580 Oh, nothin' will stop us. 779 00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:01,408 I think you guys might need to 780 00:30:01,625 --> 00:30:03,236 lower your expectations a little bit. 781 00:30:03,453 --> 00:30:05,412 Oh, nuh-uh. You heard my dad. 782 00:30:05,629 --> 00:30:07,414 I can do anything I set my mind to. 783 00:30:07,631 --> 00:30:09,416 I can go to college, invent something. 784 00:30:09,633 --> 00:30:11,113 The sky's the limit. 785 00:30:11,331 --> 00:30:13,594 So, what are you gonna do? 786 00:30:23,865 --> 00:30:25,693 You sure this is what you want? 787 00:30:25,867 --> 00:30:28,304 Never been more sure of anything in my life. 788 00:30:30,089 --> 00:30:31,830 I'm gonna get totally ripped. 789 00:30:32,047 --> 00:30:34,223 You mean like a normal level of in-shape? 790 00:30:34,441 --> 00:30:36,660 No. Like, really ripped. 791 00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:39,750 Like, so muscular that people who love me are concerned. 792 00:30:39,925 --> 00:30:42,057 I support you in this endeavor. 793 00:30:42,275 --> 00:30:43,798 Let's go. 794 00:30:45,191 --> 00:30:48,890 And John did indeed get massively swole. 795 00:30:49,108 --> 00:30:50,457 There was a seven-year period 796 00:30:50,674 --> 00:30:52,459 where he never once wore a shirt. 797 00:30:52,676 --> 00:30:55,854 Eventually he married a really cool girl, 798 00:30:56,028 --> 00:30:59,466 but they got divorced and he met another cool girl. 799 00:30:59,683 --> 00:31:01,468 You know what? There are two movies about it. 800 00:31:01,685 --> 00:31:02,773 Just watch them. 801 00:31:02,948 --> 00:31:04,123 Well, the first one, 802 00:31:04,340 --> 00:31:05,646 the second one has funny moments, 803 00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:07,299 most of them in the first half, 804 00:31:07,300 --> 00:31:09,476 but even I can't sit still for the whole thing. 805 00:31:09,693 --> 00:31:12,479 Anyway, here's the end credits. 806 00:31:18,528 --> 00:31:22,749 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪ 807 00:31:22,750 --> 00:31:26,232 ♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪ 808 00:31:27,537 --> 00:31:31,410 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 809 00:31:31,411 --> 00:31:33,891 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 810 00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:36,503 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 811 00:31:37,373 --> 00:31:40,723 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 812 00:31:40,724 --> 00:31:42,551 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 813 00:31:42,552 --> 00:31:45,251 ♪ 'Cause your ♪ 814 00:31:46,948 --> 00:31:48,994 ♪ Best friend is me ♪