1
00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:16,841
<i>♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪</i>

2
00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:20,106
<i>♪ But this is one thing ♪
♪ I'm sure of ♪</i>

3
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:23,718
<i>♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪</i>

4
00:00:23,719 --> 00:00:26,113
<i>♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪</i>

5
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,164
Oh, yeah.
And when Ice Cube punches Deebo.

6
00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:37,080
And then Smokey says, "You got
knocked the fuck out, man."

7
00:00:37,298 --> 00:00:38,428
No, no, no, no.
Actually, it was more like,

8
00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:40,127
"You got knocked
the fuck out, man!"

9
00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:41,518
Oh, yeah. No, it's more like,

10
00:00:41,519 --> 00:00:43,347
"You got knocked
the fuck out, man!

11
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:46,481
The mid '90s truly are
the golden age of comedy.

12
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:48,918
Yeah. Black people are so cool.

13
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:50,180
Hey! Watch it.

14
00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:52,356
Sorry dinner's so late.

15
00:00:52,574 --> 00:00:54,489
We ran out of ketchup,

16
00:00:54,706 --> 00:00:57,144
so I had to go
to six different neighbors

17
00:00:57,361 --> 00:01:00,408
before I finally found enough
to cover the meatloaf.

18
00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:01,799
Meatloaf again?

19
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,280
We just had meatloaf
two days ago.

20
00:01:03,498 --> 00:01:04,889
I wouldn't do this,

21
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:06,413
but Ice Cube would call you
a bitch right now.

22
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:09,330
I'm sorry.
I thought you liked my meatloaf.

23
00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:12,115
Jesus Christ! What the hell
is wrong with you guys?

24
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:13,985
Susan makes dinner
for four people

25
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,204
and a bear every night,

26
00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:16,901
and you never
even say thank you.

27
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:19,035
You just sit there and complain.

28
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:21,385
Swear to God, you guys have
zero appreciation for her.

29
00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:23,126
It's okay, Blaire.

30
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,302
Everyone should have
what they like.

31
00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:27,129
What do you want instead?

32
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:28,218
Oh, can we do breakfast
for dinner?

33
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:29,654
No fuckin' way.

34
00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:30,786
- Aw.
- Why not?

35
00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:32,396
Eatin' eggs after noon is gay.

36
00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:34,484
What the fuck
are you talking about?

37
00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:35,356
Think about it.

38
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:36,748
The gays are up all night

39
00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:37,749
doin' stuff to each other,

40
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:38,794
and they miss breakfast.

41
00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:40,274
So they invent brunch.

42
00:01:40,622 --> 00:01:41,839
They meet up around 11,

43
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,146
they have
their fruity little drinks,

44
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:44,494
they talk about hairstyles

45
00:01:44,495 --> 00:01:45,888
and lotions
and whatever the fuck.

46
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,672
And by the time they start
eatin' their breakfast,

47
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:49,065
it's after noon.

48
00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:50,240
That's actually a solid theory.

49
00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:51,415
Yeah, I got no notes.

50
00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:53,156
So the exact cutoff time

51
00:01:53,374 --> 00:01:55,462
for when eggs become gay
is 11 a.m.?

52
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:57,160
Is that the theory?
- Yes.

53
00:01:57,378 --> 00:01:58,334
Oh, that's why McDonald's

54
00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,554
stops serving breakfast at 11.

55
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,077
Right. They don't want
guys banging

56
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,338
each other in the bathroom.

57
00:02:02,339 --> 00:02:03,645
Pretty sure that happens anyway.

58
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,212
- Oh, dear.
- What?

59
00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:08,171
I put two eggs
in the meatloaf for structure.

60
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,478
No, no, no.
Eggs in stuff is okay,

61
00:02:10,695 --> 00:02:12,175
but on their own, gay.

62
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,786
I don't want
to take any chances.

63
00:02:15,004 --> 00:02:17,572
Johnny's at
a very impressionable age.

64
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:19,182
Hey, Dad, what happens

65
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,184
if you accidentally eat
an egg after noon?

66
00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:22,794
You gotta chase it
with a straight food.

67
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:24,840
- Like what?
- Stew.

68
00:02:25,057 --> 00:02:26,320
Oh, my God,

69
00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:28,800
I ate an egg the night
I decided I liked girls.

70
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:31,194
- See?
- But I only ate half.

71
00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:34,066
- That's why I go both ways.
- Right there.

72
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,547
They couldn't get the stew
in me quick enough.

73
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:39,289
Hey, it's not
your fault, Blaire.

74
00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:58,090
Teddy, look,
it's Sheila Borgwardt.

75
00:02:58,265 --> 00:02:59,875
Fuck! She's got to be
the hottest drug dealer

76
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:01,268
on the planet.

77
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,270
Hey, you know,
I just realized something.

78
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:04,749
- What?
- I ain't seen her

79
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:06,272
since I turned 18.

80
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:07,230
I'm an adult now.

81
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:09,058
And adults buy drugs.

82
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:11,103
That is the main thing
they do. Yes.

83
00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:12,975
I, John Bennett,

84
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,325
am going to buy drugs
from Sheila Borgwardt.

85
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:17,371
How do I look?
- Doesn't matter.

86
00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:21,288
Hey, Sheila.

87
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:25,074
- Hey.
- I'm John... Bennett.

88
00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:27,555
We, uh, we met last year, remember?

89
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:29,252
Um, possibly.

90
00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:33,561
My, uh... my diarrhea is gone.

91
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:35,911
- Oh.
- Yeah.

92
00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:37,565
It's all normal now.

93
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,741
I mean, every so often I'll get
a bum taco or whatever,

94
00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:41,132
and something will happen

95
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,744
but for the most part,
I've been solid.

96
00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:46,182
Sheila. Hi, Ted.
We've also met.

97
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:48,532
Listen, John here has
recently become a man.

98
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:52,580
Not in a sexual way, obviously,
but in a biological way.

99
00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:55,104
And he would like to purchase
some marijuana from you.

100
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:58,150
Uh... sure.

101
00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,455
How much you want?

102
00:03:59,456 --> 00:04:00,892
Holy shit. Really?

103
00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:02,851
Oh, man. Being an adult rocks.

104
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,027
I got birthday money
from Nana and Pop-Pop.

105
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,290
And I want
to spend it all. $200.

106
00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:09,118
- Two hundred?
- Yeah.

107
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:10,554
Okay.

108
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:20,260
Here's a quarter pound.
Thank you.

109
00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:21,870
Holy shit.

110
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:25,873
That is a Chris Tucker
amount of weed.

111
00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:27,310
That is fuckin' beautiful.

112
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:28,442
Sheila...

113
00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:30,444
thanks for being my first time.

114
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,663
Please don't say that.

115
00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:35,797
I don't know why I lied to you.
I have had diarrhea.

116
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:37,320
Okay.

117
00:04:37,538 --> 00:04:38,626
And within the hour.

118
00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:40,410
Enjoy your buzz.

119
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,896
You will never not be a virgin.

120
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,336
I don't, I don't ever think

121
00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:55,642
I've been this high before.

122
00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:57,427
Do I have human feet right now?

123
00:04:57,645 --> 00:04:59,647
I feel like I have human feet.

124
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,344
Oh, no.

125
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:02,953
What do human feet feel like?

126
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,000
Oh, that's a good question.
Let's ask someone.

127
00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:07,437
Hey, boys.

128
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:10,092
Mom, what are you doing here?

129
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,180
Show me your feet.

130
00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:12,877
It's such a beautiful day.

131
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:15,444
I thought instead of you kids
taking the bus,

132
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:17,404
we could go to the mall
and I could get you

133
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:20,232
some graduation underwear.

134
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:23,366
Underwear?
It goes over your butt.

135
00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:25,977
And maybe afterward,
we can go to Sears

136
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:27,849
and get our portraits made.

137
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:29,677
Show me your fuckin' feet!

138
00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:36,422
So, Johnny,
I was thinking about the kind

139
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:37,989
of underwear you should get.

140
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:41,384
And I believe a boy's underwear
should match his father's.

141
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,603
But then I prayed about it.

142
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,867
And if you want
to try something different,

143
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:47,695
I think it'd be okay.

144
00:05:49,174 --> 00:05:50,959
Fuck, you're so soft.

145
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:53,657
Have you always been this soft?

146
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:56,007
Yeah. I'm a fuckin'
teddy bear, dude.

147
00:05:56,704 --> 00:06:00,360
Oh, I'm a fuckin' teddy bear.

148
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:01,535
What was that?

149
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:04,276
Oh, my God! Are we on fire?

150
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:08,411
Uh, it's okay, boys.
It's just a policeman.

151
00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,021
Fuck! We got all this weed.

152
00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:12,327
Maybe he's not a cop.
Maybe he's a stripper.

153
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:13,590
Oh, yeah.

154
00:06:13,808 --> 00:06:15,462
'Cause sometimes
they dress up like cops.

155
00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:17,464
If he says you have
the right to remain sexy,

156
00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:19,030
we're in the clear.

157
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:37,701
Good afternoon, ma'am.

158
00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:39,615
Can I see your license
and registration?

159
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,444
Touch his dick
and see how he reacts.

160
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:42,619
Oh, of course.

161
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,317
Is something wrong, officer?

162
00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:46,971
You're aware that
your left brake light's out?

163
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:49,452
Oh, dear.

164
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,368
My husband usually takes care
of these things,

165
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,762
but he's been having
solid urines.

166
00:06:54,979 --> 00:06:57,155
Hey, if you're a cop,
you have to tell us.

167
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,462
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I know our rights.

168
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,464
And you ain't got no right
to search this car

169
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:04,380
or this pocket of this backpack
without a warrant.

170
00:07:04,815 --> 00:07:06,163
Well, that's not
at all suspicious.

171
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,036
Yeah, well, I could say
the same thing about you

172
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:09,864
pullin' over
a law-abiding family

173
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,561
on their way
to buy clean underwear

174
00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:13,694
with absolutely no drugs
of any kind anywhere

175
00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:15,521
in the car or on their persons.

176
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,175
Okay, everyone step out
of the car.

177
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:19,090
Fuck.

178
00:07:28,404 --> 00:07:29,753
Mom, I gotta tell you something.

179
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:31,494
What is it, honey?

180
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:33,061
I'm holding.

181
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:36,107
Oh. Well, try to hold it
as long as you can.

182
00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:37,761
And then I can take you
to the ladies' room

183
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:38,892
when we get to the mall

184
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:40,547
so you can do your doo-doos.

185
00:07:40,764 --> 00:07:42,635
No, Mom, I have marijuana
in my backpack.

186
00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:44,246
I bought it after school.

187
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,378
- What?
- I know,

188
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,598
I know, I'm stupid,
and-and I'm sorry.

189
00:07:49,294 --> 00:07:51,427
Oh, Johnny...

190
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:53,560
you're 18 now.

191
00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:56,214
You could get the chair.

192
00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:57,651
What do we have here?

193
00:07:58,565 --> 00:07:59,609
Whose is this?

194
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,525
- It's...
- Mine.

195
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:04,527
It's mine.

196
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,007
- What?
- Yours?

197
00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:08,444
I am hooked
on the junk, officer!

198
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:09,488
Mom, what are you doing?

199
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:12,448
I eat it and I shoot it,

200
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,624
and I take it in all the ways.

201
00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:18,280
And I have ever since Woodstock,
which is where I learned.

202
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:19,716
Fuckin' hippies.

203
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:21,631
Turn around.

204
00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:25,591
Hey, I know her rights!

205
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:26,941
Oh, yeah? What are they?

206
00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:28,159
Aw, fuck.

207
00:08:33,687 --> 00:08:36,298
Boys, there's some
emergency ziti in the freezer,

208
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,952
and a Stouffer's
in the basement.

209
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:38,953
Watch your head.

210
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,012
- He took Mom.
- He took our weed!

211
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,581
A-and he... And he took
Susan as well. Oh!

212
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:01,018
<i>Oh, no!</i>

213
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:03,760
You can't do that to Bret Hart,

214
00:09:03,978 --> 00:09:06,589
you big, fat foreigner!

215
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,855
Where the hell have you been?
Where's your mother?

216
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:13,030
Matty...

217
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,164
let's talk.

218
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:18,514
What the fuck?!

219
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,430
Run, Johnny! Stay alive!

220
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,606
No matter what happens,
I will find you.

221
00:09:23,824 --> 00:09:24,868
Get the fuck back here!

222
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,435
Oh, jeez.

223
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:29,133
Ah, fuck!

224
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:33,094
Stupid fucking moron! Bastards!

225
00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:35,661
Hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck is going on here?

226
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,620
These two dumbshits
got caught with drugs

227
00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:39,622
and let Susan
get arrested for it!

228
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:40,928
What?

229
00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:44,148
- Is that true?
- Yeah.

230
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:45,715
Stupid fuckin' morons!

231
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:46,934
Bastards!

232
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,333
I'll be right back.

233
00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:58,728
You stay here and write
your confession, dipshit.

234
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,691
- I can't do it.
- Why not?

235
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,737
I'm scared, Blaire.
I can't go to jail.

236
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:09,129
Oh, but you're perfectly fine

237
00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,871
with your mother going
in your place?

238
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,568
I swear to God, this is exactly

239
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:13,700
what I was talking about
last night

240
00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,136
on fucking steroids.

241
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:16,746
Susan does everything
for this family,

242
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:18,182
and nobody
ever does shit for her.

243
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,836
Well, look at this face, Blaire.

244
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,969
Look at his mouth.
It's so youthful.

245
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:24,536
If he goes to prison,
it's gonna be filled with dicks.

246
00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:26,669
And how does a mouth
full of dicks help Susan?

247
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:27,714
Oh, fuck you guys.

248
00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:34,198
A mouth full of dicks?

249
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:35,722
I was exaggerating for effect.

250
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:37,680
It'll probably just be one
or two dicks...

251
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:40,422
but they'll be big ones, Johnny.

252
00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:42,859
Yes, they will.

253
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:55,741
Hey. How you doin'?

254
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:58,745
Oh. I'm fine, Matty.

255
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,791
Did Johnny tell you
where to find the ziti?

256
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:03,531
Don't you fuckin' worry.

257
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,751
Johnny's gonna confess,
and you'll be home by tonight.

258
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:08,798
No, Matty,
don't make him do that.

259
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:10,713
It was my choice.

260
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:11,714
What?

261
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:13,803
Johnny's 18 now.

262
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:16,719
He's just startin' his life.

263
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,982
This could ruin his future.

264
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,463
It could keep him
from going to college.

265
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,814
It could encourage him
to join a breakdance gang.

266
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:26,729
But they were his drugs.

267
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:28,252
He's gotta learn responsibility.

268
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:29,689
Not like this.

269
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:32,779
Promise me you won't make him.

270
00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:34,302
Susan.

271
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:38,349
Fine.

272
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,830
Besides, it's my first offense.

273
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,920
I'm sure they'll go easy on me.

274
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:46,923
I sentence you to 20 years
in state prison.

275
00:11:48,142 --> 00:11:49,621
Next case.

276
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:53,364
Commonwealth of Massachusetts
versus Susan Bennett.

277
00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:54,844
Possession of marijuana.

278
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:56,759
- Dun-dun!
- Stop doing that.

279
00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,413
It's a courtroom, Blaire,
I have to.

280
00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:00,807
It's the law. And order.

281
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:01,808
Dun-dun!

282
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:02,896
Ow, fuck!

283
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:06,333
Dun-dun.

284
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:07,770
Mrs. Bennett,
you're charged

285
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:08,815
with possession of marijuana.

286
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:09,903
How do you plead?

287
00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:12,688
I cannot lie, Your Honor,

288
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,126
I plead... guilty.

289
00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:18,912
Well, thank you
for your honesty.

290
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:22,785
Since this is your first offense
and you seem to be a nice lady,

291
00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:24,352
I'm going to be lenient.

292
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:27,181
I sentence you to ten days
in the county jail.

293
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,659
- Ten days?
- What the fuck?

294
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,097
- Jesus Christ!
- Court is adjourned.

295
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:33,317
Dun-dun!

296
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:34,797
Ah, I like you!

297
00:13:12,661 --> 00:13:14,794
Who the fuck are you?

298
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:17,709
Hi. I'm Susan Bennett.

299
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,711
I'm your new roommate.

300
00:13:24,325 --> 00:13:27,632
This is a nice place
you have here.

301
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:28,720
What's your name?

302
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,069
Bitch Killer.

303
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:33,334
Oh, well.
Rhymes with Mitch Miller.

304
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,989
The fuck? Why are you here?

305
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:38,120
Oh, I-I did a very bad thing.

306
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:39,993
Did you kill a bitch
or somethin'?

307
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,083
- Marriage-wana.
- No shit.

308
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,998
Oh, no. None at all.

309
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:47,564
Why are you here?

310
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,349
'Cause the fuckin'
system's corrupt.

311
00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:51,307
I ain't do shit. I'm innocent.

312
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,310
Oh, no.

313
00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:55,269
Have you said anything
to anyone?

314
00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:57,184
We should let 'em know.

315
00:13:57,401 --> 00:13:59,490
Guard, this woman's innocent.

316
00:13:59,708 --> 00:14:00,621
- Shut the fuck up...
- Guard!

317
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,058
And mind your own business.

318
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,407
We ain't friends.

319
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,322
We <i>aren't</i> friends.

320
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:09,109
But I bet you a piece
of cinnamon toast we will be.

321
00:14:10,937 --> 00:14:12,547
<i>Are you threatening me?</i>

322
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:14,288
<i>I am Cornholio.</i>

323
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:15,985
<i>Come on, Beavis, take your seat.</i>

324
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:19,771
What the fuck
is goin' on in here?

325
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,077
We're just watchin' TV.

326
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,340
You two ain't watching shit.

327
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,951
If your mother's in jail,
you're in jail.

328
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:27,344
- What does that mean?
- It means

329
00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:30,043
you guys are gonna clean
the goddamn house.

330
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:31,870
You're gonna do the laundry,
you're gonna do

331
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,047
the fucking dishes, and you're
gonna cook all the meals.

332
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:35,438
So get ready for fuckin' hell.

333
00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,267
Isn't that just
Susan's daily routine?

334
00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:38,878
You're goddamn right it is.

335
00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:41,097
And that's their punishment.
So get started.

336
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:42,446
Okay.

337
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:44,447
Okay. We got this.

338
00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:46,363
It's housekeeping.
How hard can it be?

339
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:48,887
Yeah. Yeah, even the name
sounds like a game.

340
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,366
Housekeepin'.

341
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:52,717
You idiots have no idea
what you're talking about.

342
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,371
Oh, yeah? Watch this.

343
00:14:57,287 --> 00:14:59,463
See that? I just kept house.

344
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:00,682
I'm a housekeeper.

345
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:01,725
Yeah, and look at me.

346
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:03,076
I'm Betty fuckin' Crocker.

347
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,905
You know what?
I stand corrected.

348
00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:07,080
You guys got this.

349
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:08,690
Good luck.

350
00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:11,126
All right, I'm gonna dust you,
then you dust me.

351
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:12,085
Right.

352
00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:28,710
May I join you ladies?

353
00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:36,979
I'm Susan.
I'm bunking with Miss Killer.

354
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:38,981
What are your names?

355
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:40,113
Eat a cock.

356
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:41,331
How about you?

357
00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:42,767
I'm FedEx.

358
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,205
That's Sixty-Nine.
That's Gungina.

359
00:15:45,422 --> 00:15:47,642
Men die if they get
in my crosshairs.

360
00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:50,950
Oh, these are
such interesting names.

361
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,126
Why do they call you FedEx?

362
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:55,215
'Cause I can get you anything
within 24 hours.

363
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,389
Oh.

364
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,782
As long as it fits up my ass.

365
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,045
Oh.

366
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,308
What are you
ladies talking about?

367
00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:02,873
The fuckin' food here.

368
00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:04,702
I wouldn't feed this shit
to my fuckin' dog.

369
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,270
I knew a dog once
that liked soup.

370
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,882
Isn't that silly?

371
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:13,537
He belonged
to our nextdoor neighbors,

372
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:15,626
and he was such
a sweet, sweet boy.

373
00:16:15,844 --> 00:16:17,411
But then he attacked a toddler,

374
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,239
and they had to put
a muzzle on him.

375
00:16:19,456 --> 00:16:21,328
But then he chewed
through that muzzle

376
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:23,156
and attacked another toddler.

377
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:26,159
And then the church had
to move him to another area.

378
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:29,336
Oh, no, wait,
that was Father O'Brien.

379
00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:34,428
Sixty-Nine.
What does that name mean?

380
00:16:34,645 --> 00:16:37,779
Listen, ho, if you talk too
much around here, you get cut.

381
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,303
So if I were you,
I'd shut my motherfuckin' mouth.

382
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,660
I don't understand.

383
00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:51,358
All this shit, and somehow
all we made

384
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:52,707
was one boiled egg.

385
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:54,187
I don't even know
if it's any good.

386
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,059
Wait. It's after noon.
That's a gay egg.

387
00:16:58,408 --> 00:16:59,669
Shit.

388
00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:01,063
Now I'm thinkin'
about John Stamos pushin'

389
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:02,759
a lawn mower shirtless.

390
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,501
What the fuck
are you idiots doing in there?

391
00:17:04,719 --> 00:17:06,460
Where's dinner?
- It's almost ready.

392
00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:08,505
Okay, we gotta think
of something.

393
00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:10,029
Mom normally goes
to the store on Saturday,

394
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,159
so there ain't much here.

395
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,509
Okay, uh, we got Slim Jims,

396
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:14,294
white bread, shredded cheese,

397
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:15,903
and a shit ton of condiments.

398
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:17,166
I got an idea.

399
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:22,780
Okay.

400
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:25,348
Gourmet hot dogs.

401
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:29,396
What the hell is this?

402
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:30,527
What do you mean? It's dinner.

403
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,312
This pile of shit is dinner?

404
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:34,749
We call it the frankfurther.

405
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:38,057
We've taken the hot dog
into the radical '90s.

406
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:39,319
Whoa!

407
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:40,798
Surf's up.

408
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:44,237
What? I ain't eatin' that shit.

409
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:45,499
Unbelievable.

410
00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:46,673
We slave away in there,

411
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:48,241
we make you a delicious meal,

412
00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:50,852
we drop it on the floor,
pick it up, and rinse it off,

413
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,506
and this is the thanks we get.

414
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,986
You know, I knew
you two would fuck this up.

415
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,683
Fuck it.

416
00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:59,208
I'll go to the grocery store,
and I'll do it myself.

417
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:04,257
Can I get some
goddamn help here?

418
00:18:06,346 --> 00:18:08,391
Where's the fuckin'
dinner aisle?

419
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:13,135
This box has a picture
of what I want.

420
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:20,011
Hey, hey, hey!

421
00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:21,751
Ah, fuck!

422
00:18:21,752 --> 00:18:23,276
This is fucking bullshit!

423
00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:25,756
- What's goin' on?
- Surprise inspection.

424
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:29,020
Motherfucker! My bunk's a mess.

425
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:30,325
I'm gonna get written up again

426
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:31,588
and lose my
watercolor privileges.

427
00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:33,460
Bitch Killer, get in here!

428
00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:35,505
Shit!

429
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:42,033
This is the cleanest bunk
I have ever seen.

430
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,297
What the fuck?

431
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:45,559
What's that smell?

432
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:47,126
It's potpourri.

433
00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:50,346
I made it with the dried flowers
from the memorial

434
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:53,306
for that lady who was stabbed
in the shower the other day.

435
00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:54,872
Well, it's lovely.

436
00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,701
Congratulations, Bitch Killer.

437
00:18:57,919 --> 00:18:59,703
You passed inspection for once.

438
00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:02,663
But I got my eye on you.

439
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:08,059
You did this?

440
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,060
Yeah.

441
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:10,539
Why?

442
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:12,803
Oh, I'm so used
to picking up Johnny's room.

443
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:14,327
It was easy.

444
00:19:14,544 --> 00:19:15,763
Also...

445
00:19:17,373 --> 00:19:20,594
I made you some slippers
out of maxi pads.

446
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,639
How'd you know my size?

447
00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:24,424
The slippers or the maxi pads?

448
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:25,860
Good lookin' out.

449
00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:29,037
Oh, I don't know
what that means.

450
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:36,740
<i>The Family Feud!</i>

451
00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:40,179
Teddy, dryer's done.

452
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:42,964
<i>Richard Dawson!</i>

453
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:45,184
Teddy?

454
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:55,368
Jesus Christ!

455
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:56,542
Teddy, what happened?

456
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:57,761
Next time you start that thing,

457
00:19:57,979 --> 00:19:59,241
fuckin' knock first.

458
00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:01,025
Hey, what the fuck is goin' on

459
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,375
with the laundry, huh?

460
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:04,028
Everything I own is too small,

461
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,378
and I can't find my underwear.

462
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:06,640
Oh, yeah. We threw 'em out.

463
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,207
What? Why?

464
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:09,946
'Cause they were covered
in skid marks.

465
00:20:09,947 --> 00:20:12,428
Well, I-I can't go to work
without any underwear on.

466
00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:14,691
The guys will bust
my fuckin' chops all day.

467
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:17,477
How, how will they know
you're not wearin' underwear?

468
00:20:17,694 --> 00:20:18,781
Don't play dumb.

469
00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,001
Well, what do you want us to do?

470
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,698
Go dig 'em out
of the fuckin' trash

471
00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:23,396
and put some Wite-Out on 'em.

472
00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:25,702
Go!
- Goddammit!

473
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:26,877
We're on it.
We're fuckin' goin'!

474
00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:42,719
Hello, ladies.

475
00:20:42,937 --> 00:20:44,591
What the fuck
you doin' back there?

476
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,810
Well, you were saying
you didn't like the food.

477
00:20:47,028 --> 00:20:48,290
So I talked to the warden,

478
00:20:48,508 --> 00:20:49,769
I made a few suggestions,

479
00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:52,425
and she put me
in charge of the kitchen.

480
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:53,730
Is that meatloaf?

481
00:20:53,948 --> 00:20:55,776
Yeah. Would you like to try it?

482
00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:02,652
Oh, my God,
that's fuckin' great.

483
00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:05,264
It reminds me
of my mother's prison meatloaf.

484
00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:07,962
I used pigeon eggs...
and some pigeon,

485
00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:10,443
but I think it turned out okay.

486
00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:11,617
Hey.

487
00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:13,707
The fuck you want, Half Foot?

488
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:17,493
Half Foot? What a cute name.

489
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:19,495
Is it because you're short?

490
00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:21,280
Not that it's any
of your fucking business,

491
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:22,628
but yeah.

492
00:21:22,629 --> 00:21:23,717
And also because I lost
half my foot

493
00:21:23,934 --> 00:21:24,544
in a shovel fight.

494
00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:26,459
Oh, dear.

495
00:21:27,242 --> 00:21:29,636
Well, at least you don't have
to trim your toenails.

496
00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:31,115
It's not that half of the foot.

497
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,420
Oh.

498
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:34,336
I was kitchen bitch
until yesterday.

499
00:21:34,554 --> 00:21:35,902
You stole my fuckin' job.

500
00:21:35,903 --> 00:21:37,470
They put me down
in the motherfuckin' laundry.

501
00:21:37,687 --> 00:21:38,861
Oh, I'm sorry.

502
00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:41,474
I-I didn't mean
to take anyone's job.

503
00:21:41,691 --> 00:21:43,476
I was just trying
to make the food better.

504
00:21:43,693 --> 00:21:46,217
Oh, so my food was shit?
Is that what you're saying?

505
00:21:48,002 --> 00:21:49,438
You're dead meat.

506
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:55,488
Sixty-Nine?

507
00:21:55,705 --> 00:21:57,620
I could use a hug right now.

508
00:22:05,933 --> 00:22:07,848
Why the fuck do I got
to know how to read?

509
00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:09,239
My mom couldn't read,

510
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,503
and she made bank
from giving head.

511
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,332
Aww, reading's wonderful
for your head.

512
00:22:13,506 --> 00:22:15,725
And it's not hard
to learn at all.

513
00:22:15,943 --> 00:22:18,946
Now, I borrowed this
from the jail library.

514
00:22:19,163 --> 00:22:21,035
<i>The Very Hungry Caterpillar.</i>

515
00:22:21,818 --> 00:22:23,516
You think you've been naughty?

516
00:22:23,733 --> 00:22:25,996
Wait till you see
what he gets up to.

517
00:22:26,214 --> 00:22:27,868
The fuck is all this shit?

518
00:22:28,085 --> 00:22:29,739
Oh, hi, Half Foot.

519
00:22:29,957 --> 00:22:32,873
I was just teaching Gungina
how to read.

520
00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:35,310
Would you like me
to teach you how to read too?

521
00:22:35,484 --> 00:22:37,704
What? First you steal
my fuckin' job,

522
00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:39,488
now you calling me
fuckin' illiterate?

523
00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:42,709
How would you like half
a foot in your ass?

524
00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:44,363
Is there a problem here?

525
00:22:45,059 --> 00:22:47,409
No. No problem.

526
00:22:48,802 --> 00:22:50,107
I'll be seeing you, Susan.

527
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:51,805
Okay.

528
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,589
Bye-bye.

529
00:22:54,851 --> 00:22:56,505
Oh! Excuse me, guard?

530
00:22:56,723 --> 00:22:57,679
What?

531
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,726
What are the plans for Easter?

532
00:22:59,943 --> 00:23:02,729
- Easter?
- Well, it's this Sunday.

533
00:23:02,946 --> 00:23:04,948
I imagine the warden's
providing the baskets,

534
00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:08,604
but who do I talk to
about getting 700 colored eggs?

535
00:23:08,822 --> 00:23:11,738
This is jail.
There ain't no plans for Easter.

536
00:23:11,955 --> 00:23:13,870
But it's Jesus' big day.

537
00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:16,960
How will he know we care
if we don't hide eggs?

538
00:23:17,178 --> 00:23:19,398
Not my problem.

539
00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:25,882
Oh, Gungina, that's not
what those holes are for.

540
00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:34,761
Goddamn.
How'd this happen so fast?

541
00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:38,068
Dude, this is, uh...
Do you use this sock for, uh...

542
00:23:38,286 --> 00:23:40,767
- Lovemakin'. Yes.
- Yeah.

543
00:23:40,984 --> 00:23:42,769
Yeah, it usually gets washed
before it gets like that.

544
00:23:44,945 --> 00:23:46,990
Well, guess we should
change the sheets.

545
00:23:47,208 --> 00:23:48,078
Yeah.

546
00:23:59,612 --> 00:24:01,091
Anything else covered
in dried cum

547
00:24:01,309 --> 00:24:02,789
that I should know about?

548
00:24:06,314 --> 00:24:08,055
So I said,
"Oh, yeah, motherfucker?"

549
00:24:08,272 --> 00:24:11,058
and I cut half his dick off.

550
00:24:11,275 --> 00:24:13,060
- Oh.
- Which half?

551
00:24:13,277 --> 00:24:15,062
The left half.

552
00:24:17,804 --> 00:24:18,892
What are you laughin' at?

553
00:24:19,849 --> 00:24:21,111
Is it me?

554
00:24:21,808 --> 00:24:24,985
Is it my body?
Are you laughin' at my body?

555
00:24:25,202 --> 00:24:28,118
Chill out, cracker. This ain't
got nothin' to do with you.

556
00:24:28,336 --> 00:24:30,512
What did you just call me, inmate?

557
00:24:32,122 --> 00:24:33,863
You lookin' for trouble,
Bitch Killer?

558
00:24:34,081 --> 00:24:36,344
Excuse me. Can I say something?

559
00:24:38,346 --> 00:24:41,349
I don't think you ladies
understand just how difficult

560
00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:43,307
a job Mrs. Guard has.

561
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:45,004
Are you takin' her fuckin' side?

562
00:24:45,005 --> 00:24:48,225
Well, I saw on <i>60 Minutes</i>
that prison guards have

563
00:24:48,443 --> 00:24:50,010
a very, very hard job.

564
00:24:50,619 --> 00:24:52,882
They put their lives
at risk every day.

565
00:24:53,100 --> 00:24:56,233
They only make
about $24,000 a year.

566
00:24:56,756 --> 00:24:58,497
Plus, they have to buy
their own gun,

567
00:24:58,671 --> 00:25:01,325
which many of them use
to kill themselves.

568
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:02,718
Or our spouses.

569
00:25:02,936 --> 00:25:05,068
They're real people,
just like us.

570
00:25:05,286 --> 00:25:06,853
Thank you, Susan.

571
00:25:07,070 --> 00:25:08,331
That means a lot.

572
00:25:08,332 --> 00:25:11,422
And I think you have
a wonderful body.

573
00:25:13,599 --> 00:25:15,209
I need to go call my mother.

574
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:28,091
<i>Michael, are you sure
you know what you're doing?</i>

575
00:25:38,101 --> 00:25:39,232
Is that your wedding tux?

576
00:25:39,233 --> 00:25:40,843
It's the only thing
that's clean.

577
00:25:41,452 --> 00:25:42,758
Aah.

578
00:25:42,976 --> 00:25:44,151
Ah, what is that a puddle of?

579
00:25:44,368 --> 00:25:45,718
You don't wanna know.
Heads up.

580
00:25:45,935 --> 00:25:47,284
I'm gonna send down the trash.

581
00:25:53,290 --> 00:25:54,030
Boys...

582
00:25:55,423 --> 00:25:57,077
back in 'Nam, we learned

583
00:25:57,294 --> 00:25:59,209
when it's time
to abandon your post.

584
00:26:00,254 --> 00:26:01,255
That time is now.

585
00:26:02,343 --> 00:26:03,910
Hey, hey, hey, not that way.

586
00:26:04,127 --> 00:26:06,739
Jesus Christ, don't go near
the fuckin' bees' nest.

587
00:26:06,956 --> 00:26:08,348
Well, how are we supposed
to get out?

588
00:26:08,349 --> 00:26:10,220
There's a beaver dam
blocking the kitchen door.

589
00:26:43,036 --> 00:26:45,647
Yo, what the fuck you doin'
in my cell, bitch?

590
00:26:45,865 --> 00:26:47,954
Oh, hi, Half Foot.

591
00:26:48,171 --> 00:26:49,346
You just ran
out of fuckin' time.

592
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,088
Happy Easter.

593
00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:54,134
- What?
- Easter is all about

594
00:26:54,351 --> 00:26:55,178
second chances.

595
00:26:56,310 --> 00:26:58,834
Jesus got a second chance.

596
00:26:59,879 --> 00:27:02,098
I think our friendship
deserves one too.

597
00:27:07,103 --> 00:27:08,582
Fruit By the Foot?

598
00:27:08,583 --> 00:27:10,977
Now you can have all the feet
you could ever want.

599
00:27:14,067 --> 00:27:15,068
Thanks.

600
00:27:15,285 --> 00:27:16,242
Susan.

601
00:27:16,243 --> 00:27:18,375
You got us all Easter baskets?

602
00:27:18,593 --> 00:27:20,029
Oh, it was nothing.

603
00:27:20,247 --> 00:27:22,989
And I couldn't have done it
without FedEx's help.

604
00:27:23,206 --> 00:27:25,078
I got Peeps. Real Peeps.

605
00:27:25,295 --> 00:27:26,993
And a Cadbury Creme Egg!

606
00:27:27,210 --> 00:27:29,082
- Mine's empty.
- Don't you worry.

607
00:27:29,299 --> 00:27:30,866
The candy's on its way.

608
00:27:31,911 --> 00:27:33,695
It's shipped but not delivered.

609
00:27:35,088 --> 00:27:36,524
Let's eat.

610
00:27:36,872 --> 00:27:40,659
<i>♪ What if God was one of us ♪</i>

611
00:27:42,051 --> 00:27:46,012
<i>♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪</i>

612
00:27:47,143 --> 00:27:50,712
<i>♪ Just a stranger on the bus ♪</i>

613
00:27:56,762 --> 00:27:59,025
Faster with that Wite-Out!
Come on! Move!

614
00:27:59,242 --> 00:28:01,027
You're shittin' faster
than we can paint.

615
00:28:01,244 --> 00:28:02,331
Jesus.

616
00:28:02,332 --> 00:28:03,986
Mom's job is
really fuckin' hard.

617
00:28:04,508 --> 00:28:05,945
Yeah. No shit.

618
00:28:06,423 --> 00:28:08,208
It's about time
you ingrates figured that out.

619
00:28:08,425 --> 00:28:10,036
Sucks that Mom's gonna
come home tomorrow

620
00:28:10,253 --> 00:28:11,559
to the house looking like this.

621
00:28:11,733 --> 00:28:12,865
She deserves more.

622
00:28:13,082 --> 00:28:14,954
Yeah. She does.

623
00:28:15,389 --> 00:28:16,824
Hey, Blaire.

624
00:28:16,825 --> 00:28:19,306
If we promise to do better,
will you help us put

625
00:28:19,523 --> 00:28:21,656
the house back together for Mom?

626
00:28:22,091 --> 00:28:23,702
Are you asking me
because I'm a woman?

627
00:28:24,093 --> 00:28:27,749
No, I'm asking you because
you're the only non-idiot here.

628
00:28:28,881 --> 00:28:31,057
Fine. Yeah, I'll do it.

629
00:28:31,405 --> 00:28:32,101
For Susan.

630
00:28:32,972 --> 00:28:34,146
Thanks, Blaire.

631
00:28:34,147 --> 00:28:36,062
Grab a brush.
We're paintin' undies.

632
00:28:43,112 --> 00:28:44,244
Gonna miss you, Susan.

633
00:28:44,461 --> 00:28:48,248
Aw. I'm gonna miss
you all so much.

634
00:28:48,465 --> 00:28:50,163
It ain't gonna be the same
in here without you.

635
00:28:50,380 --> 00:28:53,079
My ass is full
but so is my heart.

636
00:28:53,296 --> 00:28:54,383
Thanks for teaching me to read.

637
00:28:54,384 --> 00:28:57,910
From now on,
my name is Bookgina.

638
00:28:58,127 --> 00:29:00,695
And I'ma keep watering
my foot, just like you said.

639
00:29:00,869 --> 00:29:02,218
I know it'll grow back one day.

640
00:29:03,393 --> 00:29:05,308
Ah, Bitch Killer.

641
00:29:05,526 --> 00:29:07,920
Thank you for being
the best roommate

642
00:29:08,137 --> 00:29:10,183
a girl could ever ask for.

643
00:29:10,531 --> 00:29:13,012
No, Susan, thank you.

644
00:29:13,926 --> 00:29:15,666
Uh, I got
one more surprise for you.

645
00:29:16,145 --> 00:29:17,451
What is it?

646
00:29:19,148 --> 00:29:21,368
Oh, dear.

647
00:29:21,585 --> 00:29:23,326
I did it with a razor blade
and charcoal ink.

648
00:29:23,544 --> 00:29:26,286
It's so... big.

649
00:29:26,503 --> 00:29:27,722
She did it
when we still hated you.

650
00:29:28,114 --> 00:29:29,506
Four bitches held me down
in the shower.

651
00:29:30,246 --> 00:29:31,421
It's funny how things work out.

652
00:29:31,639 --> 00:29:33,684
God always has a plan.

653
00:29:34,642 --> 00:29:36,731
Goodbye, girls.

654
00:29:56,707 --> 00:29:57,752
Okay.

655
00:29:58,579 --> 00:30:00,146
That's a lot better.
- Yeah.

656
00:30:01,887 --> 00:30:03,323
Mom!
- Oh, my God!

657
00:30:03,540 --> 00:30:04,845
Hey, hey!

658
00:30:04,846 --> 00:30:06,456
Oh, we missed you.
We missed you so much.

659
00:30:06,674 --> 00:30:07,631
Did they give you back the weed?

660
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:11,157
Oh. Oh, my goodness.

661
00:30:11,374 --> 00:30:13,159
Did you have a party?

662
00:30:13,376 --> 00:30:16,727
This place is a mess.

663
00:30:19,208 --> 00:30:21,167
There.
- Mom, we did our best,

664
00:30:21,384 --> 00:30:23,865
but we had no idea
how hard your job is.

665
00:30:24,083 --> 00:30:25,475
Yeah, we took you for granted,

666
00:30:25,693 --> 00:30:27,260
and we promise
it'll never happen again.

667
00:30:27,477 --> 00:30:30,045
That's right. You can make us
meatloaf anytime you want.

668
00:30:30,263 --> 00:30:31,960
We won't say shit.
- Yeah, anytime you wanna

669
00:30:32,178 --> 00:30:33,656
make meatloaf is good with us.

670
00:30:33,657 --> 00:30:35,268
- Even tonight would be okay.
- Let's have it tonight.

671
00:30:35,485 --> 00:30:36,790
- Hurry.
- Now!

672
00:30:36,791 --> 00:30:38,488
Jesus, she just walked
in the fuckin' door.

673
00:30:38,706 --> 00:30:40,186
It's okay, Blaire.

674
00:30:40,403 --> 00:30:43,319
I'd love to make my family
some meatloaf.

675
00:30:56,419 --> 00:30:57,768
Uh, hey, Mom.

676
00:30:58,769 --> 00:31:01,207
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for everything.

677
00:31:01,424 --> 00:31:02,685
And thank you.

678
00:31:02,686 --> 00:31:05,602
I almost ruined my life,
and you saved me.

679
00:31:05,820 --> 00:31:07,866
Oh, Johnny.

680
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:09,693
That's what
growin' up's all about.

681
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:13,480
Makin' mistakes and lettin'
your mother fix it all.

682
00:31:13,697 --> 00:31:16,918
Well, that was our last one.
No more mistakes for us.

683
00:31:17,527 --> 00:31:21,880
You know, boys, having spent
some time on the inside,

684
00:31:22,054 --> 00:31:25,884
I learned that everybody needs
somebody to look out for them.

685
00:31:26,319 --> 00:31:27,537
I'm your mother.

686
00:31:28,103 --> 00:31:30,236
You don't have to thank me

687
00:31:30,453 --> 00:31:33,326
or appreciate me
or even notice me.

688
00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:36,242
I'll always be right here.

689
00:31:37,286 --> 00:31:38,374
Always.

690
00:31:39,810 --> 00:31:41,856
I'm gonna die here, Johnny.

691
00:31:43,292 --> 00:31:44,380
Right here.

692
00:31:45,381 --> 00:31:46,252
Good.

693
00:31:47,296 --> 00:31:48,341
Why isn't it ready?

694
00:31:55,348 --> 00:31:59,829
<i>♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪
♪ Of someone dreadful ♪</i>

695
00:31:59,830 --> 00:32:03,095
<i>♪ And yet, alas ♪
♪ That someone adores you ♪</i>

696
00:32:04,618 --> 00:32:08,056
<i>♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪</i>

697
00:32:08,622 --> 00:32:11,319
<i>♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪</i>

698
00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:14,366
<i>♪ I'm just a clown ♪</i>

699
00:32:14,367 --> 00:32:18,022
<i>♪ And I'll bring you down ♪</i>

700
00:32:18,023 --> 00:32:19,588
<i>♪ But you just don't care ♪</i>

701
00:32:19,589 --> 00:32:24,115
<i>♪ 'Cause your ♪</i>

702
00:32:24,116 --> 00:32:26,292
<i>♪ Best friend is me ♪</i>


