1 00:00:01,038 --> 00:00:05,275 Last chance at 260,000. 2 00:00:06,710 --> 00:00:08,712 Sold to paddle 42. 3 00:00:08,779 --> 00:00:12,182 [classical music] 4 00:00:12,249 --> 00:00:14,618 Lot number 25: 5 00:00:14,718 --> 00:00:17,187 the Wassily Kandinsky, "Gewebe." 6 00:00:17,254 --> 00:00:21,758 Work on paper. Starting at 360,000. 7 00:00:21,858 --> 00:00:24,461 360. Do we have 380? 8 00:00:24,561 --> 00:00:26,863 380 to the gentleman in the front. 9 00:00:26,930 --> 00:00:29,633 We have 380,000 now, ahead of you. 10 00:00:29,733 --> 00:00:31,301 Do we have 400? 11 00:00:31,401 --> 00:00:33,136 400,000 in the back. 12 00:00:33,237 --> 00:00:34,471 - [mouthing] Shit. 13 00:00:34,571 --> 00:00:36,807 420 now... 14 00:00:36,907 --> 00:00:38,809 and 440... 15 00:00:38,909 --> 00:00:40,644 and 460. 16 00:00:40,744 --> 00:00:43,413 We have 480,000. 17 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:45,115 Do I hear 500? 18 00:00:45,215 --> 00:00:47,251 [groans softly] 19 00:00:47,317 --> 00:00:49,753 $500,000! 20 00:00:49,820 --> 00:00:51,622 520 in the back. 21 00:00:51,722 --> 00:00:52,956 540. 22 00:00:53,056 --> 00:00:53,924 560-- 23 00:00:53,991 --> 00:00:56,159 and 580,000. 24 00:00:56,260 --> 00:00:57,728 600,000! 25 00:00:57,794 --> 00:00:59,663 - What are you doing? - Shopping! 26 00:00:59,763 --> 00:01:01,898 - What--stop! You're overpaying. 27 00:01:01,965 --> 00:01:03,634 - 620! - Don't tell me what I'm doing! 28 00:01:03,734 --> 00:01:05,002 - 640! - 660! 29 00:01:05,102 --> 00:01:06,436 - 680! - Uh, sir, madame, 30 00:01:06,503 --> 00:01:08,005 I will call the prices. 31 00:01:08,105 --> 00:01:09,506 - Oh, stay out of it! - We got it! 32 00:01:09,606 --> 00:01:10,674 800! 33 00:01:10,774 --> 00:01:12,175 [upbeat music] 34 00:01:12,276 --> 00:01:15,145 - Are you nuts? It's a work on paper. 35 00:01:15,245 --> 00:01:16,280 - Eight... - Oh, my God. 36 00:01:16,346 --> 00:01:18,081 Hundred thousand dollars. 37 00:01:18,148 --> 00:01:21,184 Last chance at 800-- 38 00:01:21,285 --> 00:01:22,753 - Sold--to me! 39 00:01:22,819 --> 00:01:28,191 ♪ I am somebody! ♪ 40 00:01:28,292 --> 00:01:30,761 ♪ ♪ 41 00:01:30,827 --> 00:01:32,829 - [scoffs] You don't even like Kandinsky. 42 00:01:32,929 --> 00:01:36,433 - Neither do you. - Well, tastes change. 43 00:01:39,303 --> 00:01:43,040 Victoria didn't want a ring. She wanted that Kandinsky. 44 00:01:45,542 --> 00:01:47,678 - Oh, you're... - Yeah. 45 00:01:47,778 --> 00:01:49,046 - Whoa! [chuckles] 46 00:01:49,146 --> 00:01:52,215 - Well, congratulations. - Thank you. 47 00:01:52,316 --> 00:01:53,884 - So are you two gonna have a registry, 48 00:01:53,984 --> 00:01:55,385 or is it just the Metamucil website? 49 00:01:55,485 --> 00:01:56,987 - [chuckles] - Does Ovaltine 50 00:01:57,054 --> 00:01:58,555 - make a wedding cake? - [chuckles] All right. 51 00:01:58,655 --> 00:02:00,123 - You two gonna allow the Rascal scooters 52 00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:02,192 - on the dance floor? - All right, all right. 53 00:02:02,292 --> 00:02:03,560 I get it. 54 00:02:03,660 --> 00:02:05,562 Now my fiancée isn't young enough for you. 55 00:02:05,662 --> 00:02:06,997 - No, no, it makes perfect sense. 56 00:02:07,064 --> 00:02:08,198 I mean, you're a history buff. 57 00:02:08,298 --> 00:02:09,499 You know, she can give you 58 00:02:09,566 --> 00:02:10,967 a firsthand account of the Civil War. 59 00:02:11,034 --> 00:02:12,402 Okay. 60 00:02:12,502 --> 00:02:15,972 - No, you're right. I-I don't like Kandinsky. 61 00:02:16,039 --> 00:02:18,141 But I do like leverage. 62 00:02:18,208 --> 00:02:20,344 Oh, here we go. 63 00:02:20,410 --> 00:02:22,512 I'll give it to you... 64 00:02:22,579 --> 00:02:24,348 in exchange for the main stage. 65 00:02:24,414 --> 00:02:25,982 - Deborah, you're not gonna get-- 66 00:02:26,049 --> 00:02:29,586 - Just for one night to film my special. 67 00:02:29,686 --> 00:02:31,521 Oh. 68 00:02:31,588 --> 00:02:33,924 You know, you could've rented something 69 00:02:34,024 --> 00:02:35,359 even better than the Palmetto 70 00:02:35,425 --> 00:02:37,227 for much less than that fucking painting. 71 00:02:37,327 --> 00:02:38,995 - I know, but I want the Palmetto. 72 00:02:39,062 --> 00:02:40,497 I don't like the way I went out. 73 00:02:40,564 --> 00:02:42,099 I want a chance to do it again. 74 00:02:42,199 --> 00:02:43,367 I know that it's occupied now, 75 00:02:43,433 --> 00:02:44,835 so it's probably a really tall order. 76 00:02:44,901 --> 00:02:45,769 Sure. 77 00:02:45,869 --> 00:02:47,904 I'll make it happen. 78 00:02:50,273 --> 00:02:52,075 Thanks. 79 00:02:52,175 --> 00:02:54,111 - You know, I would've given you the Palmetto 80 00:02:54,211 --> 00:02:55,345 if you just asked. 81 00:02:55,412 --> 00:02:57,614 [scoffs] Yeah, sure. 82 00:03:01,385 --> 00:03:03,053 You should see if the caterer'll give you two 83 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,788 a discount if dinner's served by 4:00 p.m. 84 00:03:04,888 --> 00:03:07,257 - You know, Early Bird Special. - [laughing] This again. 85 00:03:07,357 --> 00:03:09,126 - Are you done? - No. 86 00:03:09,226 --> 00:03:11,361 Pretty nice, right? 87 00:03:11,428 --> 00:03:13,029 Whoa, two sinks. 88 00:03:13,096 --> 00:03:16,299 [gasps] And you can see the fake Eiffel Tower from here. 89 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:17,968 It's the last unit available. 90 00:03:18,068 --> 00:03:19,636 I got a hookup with the manager. 91 00:03:19,736 --> 00:03:20,804 Look at all this. 92 00:03:20,904 --> 00:03:22,239 I could have a dinner party. 93 00:03:22,305 --> 00:03:25,041 All I need is, like, one single friend. 94 00:03:25,108 --> 00:03:26,610 [laughs] Relatable. 95 00:03:26,710 --> 00:03:28,578 And I know you're taking a loss on your condo in L.A., 96 00:03:28,645 --> 00:03:31,314 but you get so much more for your money here. 97 00:03:31,415 --> 00:03:33,950 - Yeah, well, this is really nice, 98 00:03:34,050 --> 00:03:35,819 but I think the one that's closer to Deborah's 99 00:03:35,919 --> 00:03:37,220 might make more sense. 100 00:03:37,287 --> 00:03:39,890 - The one with the open-concept bathroom? 101 00:03:39,956 --> 00:03:41,291 Yeah. 102 00:03:42,459 --> 00:03:44,995 - Maybe don't make your life worse 103 00:03:45,095 --> 00:03:46,830 to be ten minutes closer to Deborah's. 104 00:03:46,930 --> 00:03:48,432 - Well-- [cell phone vibrates] 105 00:03:48,498 --> 00:03:50,100 Oh, sorry. 106 00:03:50,167 --> 00:03:51,401 - Oh, um-- - Oh, take it. 107 00:03:51,468 --> 00:03:53,336 Oh... 108 00:03:53,437 --> 00:03:55,338 - Hello? - Ava, hey. 109 00:03:55,439 --> 00:03:57,507 - Sorry for the random call. - No worries. 110 00:03:57,607 --> 00:03:58,842 - How are you? - Good. 111 00:03:58,942 --> 00:04:00,343 I actually have a question for you. 112 00:04:00,444 --> 00:04:02,145 So the girl who was gonna do punch-ups 113 00:04:02,245 --> 00:04:04,247 for me on my pilot can't do it anymore. 114 00:04:04,314 --> 00:04:07,117 So I was wondering, do you have any interest? 115 00:04:07,184 --> 00:04:10,454 - Oh, shit. That's so nice of you. 116 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,623 And thank you, but... I'm working for Deborah, 117 00:04:13,690 --> 00:04:15,292 and I'm already back in Vegas. 118 00:04:15,358 --> 00:04:16,860 - Ri--I totally get it. 119 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,929 But this is just a one-week gig, nothing permanent. 120 00:04:18,995 --> 00:04:20,697 We could have you back there in no time. 121 00:04:20,797 --> 00:04:22,499 Oh, um... 122 00:04:22,599 --> 00:04:25,502 - I think you'd be great for it. 123 00:04:25,602 --> 00:04:28,138 - Could I, uh, maybe think about it? 124 00:04:28,205 --> 00:04:29,873 - Sure. I'll email you the dates, okay? 125 00:04:29,973 --> 00:04:31,041 Okay, thank you. 126 00:04:31,141 --> 00:04:32,476 - Okay, bye. - Bye. 127 00:04:35,345 --> 00:04:37,814 - Yep. Oh, yes, I get that. 128 00:04:37,881 --> 00:04:39,516 All right, well, um, you know what? 129 00:04:39,616 --> 00:04:40,884 Life is short, and life is long. 130 00:04:40,984 --> 00:04:43,687 So, hopefully our paths cross soon. 131 00:04:43,787 --> 00:04:45,555 Okay, take care. 132 00:04:45,655 --> 00:04:46,857 Bye. 133 00:04:46,957 --> 00:04:49,993 - Motherfucker! - Oh, good, you're off. 134 00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:52,729 Which wallpaper do you like for our new office? 135 00:04:52,829 --> 00:04:54,631 This one's technically wrapping paper, 136 00:04:54,698 --> 00:04:56,233 but it's beautiful. 137 00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:58,535 - Okay, we need clients to justify having an office, 138 00:04:58,635 --> 00:05:00,871 and we just lost another one to Janet Stone. 139 00:05:00,971 --> 00:05:03,874 - She's poaching everybody. - Cunt! 140 00:05:03,974 --> 00:05:05,842 Okay, partner, what's the play? 141 00:05:05,909 --> 00:05:08,378 - You know what? I'm just gonna fucking call her. 142 00:05:08,478 --> 00:05:10,480 - Yeah, do it. I love this side of you. 143 00:05:10,547 --> 00:05:12,349 - Okay. [line trilling] 144 00:05:12,415 --> 00:05:15,085 - Ah, Jimmy. I was waiting for your call. 145 00:05:15,185 --> 00:05:17,687 But I don't have time to talk because I'm going down 146 00:05:17,754 --> 00:05:19,689 your client list one by one, you piece of shit. 147 00:05:19,756 --> 00:05:22,058 - Okay, you know what, Janet? You listen to me. I'm-- 148 00:05:22,158 --> 00:05:24,761 - Hi, Janet! Kayla Schaeffer here, you dirty bitch. 149 00:05:24,861 --> 00:05:26,229 - Oh, my God. - You know, me and you 150 00:05:26,329 --> 00:05:27,697 can swing around our big dicks all day, 151 00:05:27,764 --> 00:05:29,366 but the fact of the matter is-- 152 00:05:29,432 --> 00:05:31,434 [line clicks] Hello? 153 00:05:31,535 --> 00:05:33,003 Hello? [both sigh] 154 00:05:33,069 --> 00:05:35,171 Yeah, she's fucking us up the ass, no lube, 155 00:05:35,238 --> 00:05:37,107 not even giving us a little courtesy tug 156 00:05:37,207 --> 00:05:39,242 before she jams her cock in our guts. 157 00:05:39,342 --> 00:05:41,444 What is wrong with you? 158 00:05:41,545 --> 00:05:44,014 - Should we get lunch? - Yeah, I'm starving. 159 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,949 You're hangry. 160 00:05:46,049 --> 00:05:48,084 - So we closed on Elaine's directing deal, 161 00:05:48,184 --> 00:05:50,220 but she apparently doesn't fly, 162 00:05:50,287 --> 00:05:52,856 so she's asking that we reimburse her for gas. 163 00:05:52,923 --> 00:05:56,693 Also, her rider is just jelly beans and Dulcolax. 164 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,295 - Are you sure about her? - Please. 165 00:05:58,395 --> 00:06:00,397 When men are quirky, they're eccentric geniuses. 166 00:06:00,463 --> 00:06:02,299 When women are quirky, they're jailed. 167 00:06:02,399 --> 00:06:05,302 - Is that what's going on here? She's just quirky? 168 00:06:05,402 --> 00:06:08,204 God, I fucking hope so. 169 00:06:08,271 --> 00:06:10,473 Oh! I got the Palmetto. 170 00:06:10,574 --> 00:06:11,875 Amazing. 171 00:06:11,942 --> 00:06:13,543 So I guess the auction went well. 172 00:06:13,610 --> 00:06:15,645 - Yes, it did. - [chuckles] 173 00:06:15,745 --> 00:06:19,482 - But Marty seems to have lost his mind. 174 00:06:19,583 --> 00:06:22,385 He's getting engaged to that elderly French woman. 175 00:06:22,452 --> 00:06:25,155 - Oh, did he get her a ring or a Life Alert bracelet? 176 00:06:25,255 --> 00:06:28,391 [laughing wildly] 177 00:06:31,394 --> 00:06:32,896 I know! I thought he only proposed to women 178 00:06:32,963 --> 00:06:36,666 whose hair was still steaming from a flat iron. 179 00:06:36,766 --> 00:06:38,101 Well... 180 00:06:39,169 --> 00:06:41,271 Don't give me that look. 181 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:45,275 - That wasn't real. - The diamond was real. 182 00:06:45,342 --> 00:06:48,178 - We were drunk and in Monaco, for Christ's sake. 183 00:06:51,114 --> 00:06:52,749 Even if he was serious, 184 00:06:52,816 --> 00:06:55,118 I had to prioritize my business. 185 00:06:55,185 --> 00:06:57,020 You can understand that. 186 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,822 I certainly can. 187 00:07:01,157 --> 00:07:04,928 - [on TV] Previously on "The Amazing Race"... 188 00:07:04,995 --> 00:07:08,698 [announcer continues indistinctly] 189 00:07:08,798 --> 00:07:10,333 Deborah? 190 00:07:10,433 --> 00:07:11,868 - Oh, hi. Come on in. 191 00:07:11,968 --> 00:07:15,338 [announcer continues indistinctly on TV] 192 00:07:18,308 --> 00:07:20,210 - [clears throat] So I got a call 193 00:07:20,310 --> 00:07:22,178 about a punch-up gig that's a week long. 194 00:07:22,278 --> 00:07:24,881 I was gonna say no, but Jimmy thinks it's a great credit, 195 00:07:24,981 --> 00:07:26,483 and it might be fun, but, obviously, 196 00:07:26,549 --> 00:07:28,518 I would never let anything interfere with our work. 197 00:07:28,618 --> 00:07:31,054 But it's just a week, so I'd be back super quick. 198 00:07:31,154 --> 00:07:33,523 - Why are you standing so far away? 199 00:07:35,025 --> 00:07:37,694 - Just to be out of slapping range. 200 00:07:37,794 --> 00:07:39,229 [chuckles] 201 00:07:39,329 --> 00:07:41,064 [chuckles] 202 00:07:41,164 --> 00:07:43,667 - What are the dates? - Well, it starts the 20th. 203 00:07:43,733 --> 00:07:45,068 And it's only a week. 204 00:07:45,168 --> 00:07:47,971 - Oh, I just booked the Palmetto for the 24th 205 00:07:48,038 --> 00:07:49,973 - for the taping. - Oh, God. 206 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,742 [scoffs] Never mind then. Of course I'm not taking it. 207 00:07:52,842 --> 00:07:55,345 Jesus, can you imagine if I missed the taping? 208 00:07:55,412 --> 00:07:57,080 No. God, no. 209 00:07:59,249 --> 00:08:00,884 You should do it. 210 00:08:00,984 --> 00:08:02,819 - What? No way. 211 00:08:02,886 --> 00:08:04,888 - You've seen the show 200 times. 212 00:08:04,988 --> 00:08:07,090 It's ready. The hay's in the barn. 213 00:08:07,190 --> 00:08:10,560 It's--it's fine, really. 214 00:08:10,660 --> 00:08:12,562 Well... 215 00:08:12,662 --> 00:08:14,230 thank you. 216 00:08:14,330 --> 00:08:16,166 - But only if you're sure. - I'm sure. 217 00:08:16,232 --> 00:08:18,034 And you should stay at my house while you're there. 218 00:08:18,101 --> 00:08:20,737 - Oh, thanks, but I actually ran into my ex 219 00:08:20,837 --> 00:08:22,405 when we were in L.A., and we've been texting, 220 00:08:22,505 --> 00:08:25,375 so I think I might stay at her place. 221 00:08:25,442 --> 00:08:26,710 [gasps] Oh... 222 00:08:26,776 --> 00:08:28,344 Oh, speaking of houses, 223 00:08:28,411 --> 00:08:30,680 I finally got a place here, and it's ten minutes away. 224 00:08:30,747 --> 00:08:34,050 - Oh, great. I'll tell my lawyers-- 225 00:08:34,117 --> 00:08:36,453 one more asset for them to go after. 226 00:08:36,553 --> 00:08:38,588 It's just a rental, so... 227 00:08:38,688 --> 00:08:41,124 Oh, sorry to hear that. 228 00:08:41,224 --> 00:08:43,960 - You know, I actually think we would do really well 229 00:08:44,060 --> 00:08:45,795 on "Amazing Race" together. 230 00:08:45,895 --> 00:08:47,464 Hmm. 231 00:08:47,564 --> 00:08:50,366 - I could never fly coach. - [laughs] 232 00:08:50,433 --> 00:08:52,969 - We'd make up time, though, on the puzzles. 233 00:08:53,069 --> 00:08:54,104 100%. 234 00:08:54,204 --> 00:08:57,107 [upbeat music] 235 00:08:57,207 --> 00:08:59,309 ♪ ♪ 236 00:08:59,409 --> 00:09:01,745 [indistinct chatter, laughter] 237 00:09:01,811 --> 00:09:03,213 - And cut! [bell rings] 238 00:09:03,279 --> 00:09:04,481 - All right, that's a cut. - That's a cut! 239 00:09:04,581 --> 00:09:06,149 - Her purse strap fell in that one. 240 00:09:06,249 --> 00:09:08,284 - Oh, it's okay--we can cut around that, I think. 241 00:09:08,384 --> 00:09:10,320 Ava, oh, my God, that blow was so much better--thank you. 242 00:09:10,420 --> 00:09:11,988 - Oh, good, and if you can convince the network 243 00:09:12,088 --> 00:09:13,823 to get on board with incest, 244 00:09:13,923 --> 00:09:15,959 I actually have an incest joke that helps the story a little. 245 00:09:16,059 --> 00:09:18,461 - [laughs] This is funny. 246 00:09:18,561 --> 00:09:20,830 - Okay, let's go again. - Goin' again. 247 00:09:20,930 --> 00:09:22,298 - Let's roll sound. - Rolling! 248 00:09:22,398 --> 00:09:24,234 - Hey, can you run this alt to Gillian? 249 00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:25,602 Copy that. 250 00:09:25,668 --> 00:09:27,170 [exciting music] 251 00:09:27,270 --> 00:09:31,608 ♪ Hey! ♪ 252 00:09:31,674 --> 00:09:38,114 ♪ ♪ 253 00:09:39,482 --> 00:09:41,184 [knock at door] Ms. Vance? 254 00:09:41,284 --> 00:09:43,286 Someone here to see you, a manager. 255 00:09:43,353 --> 00:09:45,755 - Oh, yes, thank you, Davis. Show them in. 256 00:09:48,191 --> 00:09:50,093 - Deborah! - Janet. 257 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,694 - H-hey. 258 00:09:51,795 --> 00:09:53,997 Wow, interesting vibe. 259 00:09:54,097 --> 00:09:56,366 - Yeah, Mr. Ludwig did a bit of a reno. 260 00:09:56,466 --> 00:09:58,034 Wish it wouldn't be so on the nose 261 00:09:58,134 --> 00:09:59,469 for me to burn it down. 262 00:09:59,536 --> 00:10:02,205 - [laughs] Well, I don't want to keep you. 263 00:10:02,305 --> 00:10:04,774 I just wanted to pop in and say, "Have a great show." 264 00:10:04,841 --> 00:10:07,811 - Thank you. I really need it to work. 265 00:10:07,877 --> 00:10:09,946 Oh, it will, and... 266 00:10:10,013 --> 00:10:12,115 we don't have to, um, do this now, 267 00:10:12,182 --> 00:10:15,318 - but you know why I'm here. - Right. 268 00:10:15,385 --> 00:10:17,720 Listen, I love Jimmy. 269 00:10:17,821 --> 00:10:19,556 I think he does really well in this business, 270 00:10:19,656 --> 00:10:21,791 especially for a man under 6'1". 271 00:10:21,858 --> 00:10:24,561 - [chuckles] - But he's not cutthroat. 272 00:10:24,661 --> 00:10:27,897 Yeah, well, he's a sweet kid. 273 00:10:27,997 --> 00:10:30,400 - Sure, but he doesn't have the resources 274 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,869 to support you on his own. 275 00:10:32,969 --> 00:10:34,070 Think about it. 276 00:10:34,170 --> 00:10:36,039 As good a saleswoman as you are-- 277 00:10:36,139 --> 00:10:37,540 and you are fucking lava-- 278 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,676 without the QVC machine behind you, 279 00:10:39,742 --> 00:10:42,846 would you be able to sell as many products? 280 00:10:42,912 --> 00:10:44,547 You're not wrong. 281 00:10:44,647 --> 00:10:47,083 - Oh, anyway, I-I don't want to distract you. 282 00:10:47,183 --> 00:10:49,686 But I think we should talk after. 283 00:10:49,752 --> 00:10:51,888 I've got some big ideas. 284 00:10:51,988 --> 00:10:53,923 Okay, sure. 285 00:10:54,023 --> 00:10:56,492 - [laughs] - That's what I want to hear! 286 00:10:56,559 --> 00:11:00,029 All right! You're gonna kill it out there, girl. 287 00:11:00,096 --> 00:11:01,698 Ah, thanks, Janet. 288 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:08,104 - No, your bikini wax is not a company write-off. 289 00:11:08,204 --> 00:11:09,839 - It was just the back. - Kayla. 290 00:11:09,906 --> 00:11:11,207 Okay, fine, but my trainer 291 00:11:11,274 --> 00:11:12,909 said that anything can be a write-off 292 00:11:13,009 --> 00:11:14,911 if you just think about business while it's happening. 293 00:11:15,011 --> 00:11:17,113 - That is absolutely not true. You need to fire that person. 294 00:11:17,213 --> 00:11:18,448 - No way. She's a write-off. 295 00:11:18,548 --> 00:11:20,750 - Jimmy. How was your trip in? 296 00:11:20,850 --> 00:11:23,286 Were you able to get a good seat on the Greyhound? 297 00:11:23,386 --> 00:11:24,854 - Ha ha. For your information, 298 00:11:24,921 --> 00:11:26,389 I'm actually United Premier Platinum, 299 00:11:26,456 --> 00:11:28,458 and I had a delicious in-flight bistro box, 300 00:11:28,558 --> 00:11:30,059 - thank you very much. - [scoffs] 301 00:11:30,126 --> 00:11:31,561 Okay, little miss fuck stick, 302 00:11:31,628 --> 00:11:33,062 what in the name of the Devil's uncut dick 303 00:11:33,129 --> 00:11:34,931 - are you doing here? - Oh, my God. 304 00:11:35,031 --> 00:11:37,200 - Same as you. I'm here for Deborah's taping. 305 00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:39,269 [gasps] We just had a lovely chat. 306 00:11:39,369 --> 00:11:40,770 She's so sweet. 307 00:11:40,870 --> 00:11:42,605 - I know. - Hmm. 308 00:11:42,705 --> 00:11:44,908 Told you I was going down your client list. 309 00:11:44,974 --> 00:11:47,410 And I finally got to the Vs. 310 00:11:47,477 --> 00:11:49,312 Enjoy the show. 311 00:11:51,581 --> 00:11:53,816 Nice ass, by the way, bitch! 312 00:11:53,917 --> 00:11:55,318 - Kayla! - What? 313 00:11:55,418 --> 00:11:56,920 It's--She's gorgeous. 314 00:11:56,986 --> 00:11:59,389 [door opens, Jimmy clears throat] 315 00:11:59,455 --> 00:12:00,957 [door closes] 316 00:12:01,057 --> 00:12:02,392 Here we go. 317 00:12:02,458 --> 00:12:03,826 - Well, hello. - Hey, Jimmy. 318 00:12:03,927 --> 00:12:05,728 I-I'm kind of in a pre-show mode. 319 00:12:05,795 --> 00:12:08,064 Can we catch up after? 320 00:12:08,131 --> 00:12:11,935 - Of course, yeah. Um...break a leg. 321 00:12:12,001 --> 00:12:13,436 Thank you. 322 00:12:13,503 --> 00:12:15,672 - She means both of us. Come on. 323 00:12:20,476 --> 00:12:21,511 [door opens] 324 00:12:21,611 --> 00:12:22,812 [indistinct chatter] 325 00:12:22,912 --> 00:12:24,614 - Excuse me. Excuse me! - Oh, excuse me! 326 00:12:24,681 --> 00:12:26,950 - VIPs coming through. Check the pass. 327 00:12:27,016 --> 00:12:28,418 - Why can't we go down the other aisle? 328 00:12:28,484 --> 00:12:30,486 - Because we're VIPs and people need to know. 329 00:12:30,586 --> 00:12:32,822 - Oh, I like your jumpsuit, girl. - This don't make no sense. 330 00:12:32,922 --> 00:12:34,257 Okay, here we go. 331 00:12:34,324 --> 00:12:36,826 I want you to get B-roll of the crowd filing in. 332 00:12:36,926 --> 00:12:38,795 Oh, wait, wait. Hold on. 333 00:12:38,861 --> 00:12:41,331 I-I forgot my contacts. I can't see shit. 334 00:12:41,431 --> 00:12:42,865 - Oh, my God. - Oh. 335 00:12:42,966 --> 00:12:45,134 - I'm kidding! You guys are so fucking serious! 336 00:12:45,201 --> 00:12:46,970 - Oh, my God. - It's a comedy show! 337 00:12:47,036 --> 00:12:49,138 You wouldn't have lasted a day with Andy Kaufman. 338 00:12:49,205 --> 00:12:51,708 He ran my dog over as a bit, and I loved it. 339 00:12:51,808 --> 00:12:53,209 Okay! 340 00:12:53,309 --> 00:12:55,712 - Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. 341 00:12:55,812 --> 00:12:57,880 The program will be starting momentarily. 342 00:12:57,981 --> 00:13:00,016 - If you think about it, our seats are way better than hers, 343 00:13:00,116 --> 00:13:02,185 'cause it's, like, center-- we have a bird's-eye view. 344 00:13:02,285 --> 00:13:03,720 - Hmm. - You know? 345 00:13:03,820 --> 00:13:05,388 - [clears throat] - [slurps] 346 00:13:05,488 --> 00:13:08,191 - I'm so sorry, sir, but there's no outside drinks 347 00:13:08,291 --> 00:13:11,461 - in the theater. - [groans] 348 00:13:11,527 --> 00:13:13,062 Oh. 349 00:13:13,162 --> 00:13:16,366 - Casino comps me this ticket. That's the way they treat you. 350 00:13:16,466 --> 00:13:20,169 - Bullshit, right? - [clears throat] 351 00:13:20,236 --> 00:13:22,839 - Should've seen Criss Angel again. 352 00:13:25,842 --> 00:13:29,412 [exhales deeply] 353 00:13:29,512 --> 00:13:33,082 [breathes deeply] 354 00:13:33,182 --> 00:13:36,085 [knock at door] Not a good time. 355 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,555 Hey. 356 00:13:39,655 --> 00:13:41,891 - Wha-- what are you doing here? 357 00:13:41,991 --> 00:13:44,093 - Oh, I left that punch-up gig early. 358 00:13:44,193 --> 00:13:46,229 Well, I forgot I had tickets to Cirque du Soleil, 359 00:13:46,329 --> 00:13:47,830 and it's the weird sex one, 360 00:13:47,897 --> 00:13:49,365 so I really don't want to miss it. 361 00:13:49,432 --> 00:13:50,733 [snickers] 362 00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:52,602 - But I'll probably watch your taping first, 363 00:13:52,702 --> 00:13:54,871 you know, since I'm here anyway. 364 00:13:56,539 --> 00:13:58,074 I'm glad you are. 365 00:13:58,174 --> 00:14:00,343 [soft music] 366 00:14:00,410 --> 00:14:01,277 Me too. 367 00:14:01,377 --> 00:14:04,781 ♪ ♪ 368 00:14:04,881 --> 00:14:07,083 This dressing room is ass. 369 00:14:07,183 --> 00:14:09,252 [laughing] 370 00:14:09,352 --> 00:14:11,687 - Okay, showtime. Everybody ready? 371 00:14:11,754 --> 00:14:13,689 Kill the houselights. 372 00:14:13,756 --> 00:14:15,625 Bobby, frame up, please. 373 00:14:15,725 --> 00:14:17,293 [indistinct chatter] 374 00:14:17,393 --> 00:14:21,297 - Whoo! [cheers and applause] 375 00:14:21,397 --> 00:14:24,100 - Okay, "A" camera, let's settle in for the wide, 376 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,803 and, Sal, let's bring out our girl 377 00:14:26,903 --> 00:14:29,872 in three, two, one, 378 00:14:29,939 --> 00:14:31,374 rock and roll. 379 00:14:31,441 --> 00:14:33,042 Ladies and gentlemen, 380 00:14:33,109 --> 00:14:36,646 returning to the Palmetto for one special night, 381 00:14:36,746 --> 00:14:38,614 please welcome to the stage 382 00:14:38,714 --> 00:14:43,886 the one, the only Deborah Vance! 383 00:14:43,953 --> 00:14:46,989 [cheers and applause] 384 00:14:47,090 --> 00:14:49,992 [upbeat music] 385 00:14:50,093 --> 00:14:56,632 ♪ ♪ 386 00:14:56,732 --> 00:14:58,634 Wow, thank you. 387 00:14:58,734 --> 00:15:01,737 [cheers and applause continue] 388 00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:06,175 ♪ ♪ 389 00:15:06,275 --> 00:15:09,245 [laughter] 390 00:15:09,312 --> 00:15:11,180 It's true. It's true. 391 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,150 Yeah, and, of course, it's hard to lose a husband and a sister 392 00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:16,185 at the same time. 393 00:15:16,285 --> 00:15:20,289 But it makes Christmas shopping way easier. 394 00:15:20,356 --> 00:15:23,192 [laughter] 395 00:15:23,292 --> 00:15:27,029 And I don't--I don't excuse what they did. 396 00:15:27,130 --> 00:15:30,433 But in some ways, there really was nowhere else for them to go 397 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:34,437 except toward each other... 398 00:15:34,504 --> 00:15:38,674 because it was all about me and my career. 399 00:15:38,774 --> 00:15:41,544 There was no space left in my marriage 400 00:15:41,644 --> 00:15:44,213 or in my relationship with her... 401 00:15:44,313 --> 00:15:46,849 anywhere. 402 00:15:46,949 --> 00:15:49,819 That's what I do. I take up too much space. 403 00:15:49,886 --> 00:15:51,888 I did it back then, and I still do it today. 404 00:15:51,988 --> 00:15:53,623 I take up space in every room I'm in, 405 00:15:53,689 --> 00:15:56,526 on my tour bus, on the icons float 406 00:15:56,626 --> 00:15:58,828 at the Vegas Pride Parade. [laughter] 407 00:15:58,895 --> 00:16:01,564 But, you know, I love taking up space, 408 00:16:01,664 --> 00:16:02,865 which is painfully ironic, 409 00:16:02,965 --> 00:16:04,800 because as we've established here, 410 00:16:04,867 --> 00:16:06,736 I am a high-functioning anorexic. 411 00:16:06,836 --> 00:16:08,671 [laughter] 412 00:16:08,738 --> 00:16:10,973 - Johnny, you read my mind. Stay right there. 413 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,075 Push in, slow... 414 00:16:13,176 --> 00:16:14,877 slow. 415 00:16:14,977 --> 00:16:16,479 Not that slow, buddy. 416 00:16:16,546 --> 00:16:18,548 Yeah, bingo. You got it. 417 00:16:18,648 --> 00:16:20,049 Damn, I'm good. 418 00:16:20,149 --> 00:16:22,251 - And that same year, the Vatican came after me, 419 00:16:22,351 --> 00:16:24,987 because they said I called the Pope a pedophile 420 00:16:25,054 --> 00:16:26,589 on national television. 421 00:16:26,689 --> 00:16:28,925 [crowd murmurs] I-I didn't. 422 00:16:29,025 --> 00:16:31,661 I called him a pedophile-phile 423 00:16:31,727 --> 00:16:34,697 because he loves being around pedophiles. 424 00:16:34,764 --> 00:16:37,934 [laughter] 425 00:16:38,034 --> 00:16:40,403 It's different. It's different. 426 00:16:40,503 --> 00:16:42,371 - [grunts] - Oh, hey. 427 00:16:42,438 --> 00:16:44,907 - Yeah, so then... - Hey, you--you all right? 428 00:16:45,007 --> 00:16:46,609 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 429 00:16:46,709 --> 00:16:48,544 - My sponsors started pulling ads from my tour. 430 00:16:48,611 --> 00:16:50,179 - [grunts] - Oh, my God. 431 00:16:50,246 --> 00:16:52,081 Oh, my God. [crowd murmuring] 432 00:16:52,181 --> 00:16:53,282 Oh, my God. 433 00:16:53,382 --> 00:16:54,951 - What's the matter? - Hey, sir. 434 00:16:55,051 --> 00:16:56,118 Everything okay? 435 00:16:56,219 --> 00:16:57,687 - He's seizing! - Oh, shit. 436 00:16:57,753 --> 00:17:00,122 - He needs help. Call 911. - Oh, Jesus. Okay. 437 00:17:00,222 --> 00:17:01,524 Has anyone called the paramedics? 438 00:17:01,591 --> 00:17:03,292 Has anyone called for help? 439 00:17:03,392 --> 00:17:04,927 Somebody call the paramedics! 440 00:17:05,027 --> 00:17:06,529 - What the fuck is going on down there? 441 00:17:06,596 --> 00:17:08,097 Sal, talk to me. [cross chatter] 442 00:17:08,197 --> 00:17:10,299 John, go get the medic. Go get the house medic. 443 00:17:10,399 --> 00:17:12,568 Tara, do not turn the houselights up. 444 00:17:12,635 --> 00:17:14,136 - It'll be all right. It'll be all right. 445 00:17:14,237 --> 00:17:16,239 I'm sure they're on their way. [doors open] 446 00:17:16,305 --> 00:17:18,374 - Down here. - Okay, here they come. 447 00:17:18,441 --> 00:17:19,642 Shit! 448 00:17:19,742 --> 00:17:22,311 [indistinct chatter] 449 00:17:22,411 --> 00:17:24,313 [indistinct radio chatter] 450 00:17:24,413 --> 00:17:26,082 - It's all right, everybody. I-it's all right. 451 00:17:26,148 --> 00:17:29,819 He's--he's being taken care of. They'll take care of him. 452 00:17:29,919 --> 00:17:31,053 [crowd murmuring] 453 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,922 It's all right. It's all right. 454 00:17:32,989 --> 00:17:34,490 Not to worry-- 455 00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:36,559 we got trained professionals taking care of him now. 456 00:17:36,626 --> 00:17:39,562 He's in good hands. [indistinct chatter] 457 00:17:39,629 --> 00:17:43,132 Everybody stay calm. Please stay in your seats. 458 00:17:43,232 --> 00:17:46,469 Just--please. [indistinct chatter continues] 459 00:17:46,569 --> 00:17:49,171 - [indistinct radio chatter] - Check the pupils. 460 00:17:49,272 --> 00:17:51,107 - Yeah, I'm getting--dilated. - What's the reading? 461 00:17:51,173 --> 00:17:54,010 - Is he okay? [sustained high-pitched tone] 462 00:17:54,110 --> 00:17:56,746 - I'm calling it-- 8:47. 463 00:17:56,812 --> 00:17:59,181 [indistinct radio chatter continues] 464 00:17:59,282 --> 00:18:01,984 [sustained high-pitched tone continues] 465 00:18:02,084 --> 00:18:04,520 [crowd murmuring] 466 00:18:04,620 --> 00:18:06,989 It'll be all right, yeah. 467 00:18:10,459 --> 00:18:13,963 [murmuring dies down] 468 00:18:15,097 --> 00:18:17,466 - He's okay! He's okay, folks! 469 00:18:17,533 --> 00:18:20,670 [cheers and applause] 470 00:18:22,204 --> 00:18:23,306 Oh! 471 00:18:23,372 --> 00:18:25,374 How 'bout that? 472 00:18:25,474 --> 00:18:28,477 Thank God! [cheers and applause] 473 00:18:28,544 --> 00:18:30,780 All right, we're back, baby. 474 00:18:30,846 --> 00:18:33,549 Okay, I need a close-up on C and a refill. 475 00:18:33,649 --> 00:18:35,951 Bobby, finally, a frame I could use. 476 00:18:36,018 --> 00:18:37,820 Welcome to the show. 477 00:18:37,887 --> 00:18:39,722 - Thank God. Thank God. 478 00:18:39,822 --> 00:18:41,691 Yeah, not the first man who's faked his own death 479 00:18:41,791 --> 00:18:44,660 to get away from me. [laughter] 480 00:18:44,727 --> 00:18:46,896 - Not the first. - I'm so glad he's okay. 481 00:18:46,996 --> 00:18:50,199 - No. Dead. Absolutely dead. 482 00:18:50,299 --> 00:18:54,070 - Anyway, so my sponsors start pulling their ads... 483 00:18:54,170 --> 00:18:57,406 ♪ ♪ 484 00:18:57,506 --> 00:19:00,176 [laughing] 485 00:19:00,242 --> 00:19:03,012 - Oh, my God. You crushed. 486 00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:06,349 - That was amazing. - It got scary for a minute. 487 00:19:06,415 --> 00:19:10,753 And I'm just, uh, so glad that man is okay. 488 00:19:10,853 --> 00:19:13,589 Yes. I am as well. 489 00:19:13,689 --> 00:19:15,558 Yeah. 490 00:19:15,658 --> 00:19:17,593 Your dad would be proud of you. 491 00:19:17,693 --> 00:19:19,095 [inhales sharply] 492 00:19:19,195 --> 00:19:20,196 Wow. 493 00:19:20,262 --> 00:19:21,697 [tearfully] Thank you. 494 00:19:21,764 --> 00:19:23,766 - Whoo! - [clears throat] Great show. 495 00:19:23,866 --> 00:19:26,602 - Deborah, girl! both: Hey! 496 00:19:26,702 --> 00:19:28,104 Think they liked it! 497 00:19:28,204 --> 00:19:29,605 Deborah, a triumph! 498 00:19:29,705 --> 00:19:31,874 It is gonna cut like butter, baby. 499 00:19:31,941 --> 00:19:33,776 - Oh, thank you, honey. Champagne? 500 00:19:33,876 --> 00:19:35,578 - No, I got Clamato. - Okay, all right. 501 00:19:35,678 --> 00:19:37,780 - Whoo! - Cheers! Whoo! 502 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,183 - Whoo! Bravo, Deborah! 503 00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:44,186 Not news to me, but you are a star. 504 00:19:44,253 --> 00:19:47,790 Handled the right way, this can be huge for you. 505 00:19:47,890 --> 00:19:49,558 - I think it will be handled the right way, 506 00:19:49,625 --> 00:19:52,461 because I have excellent representation with Jimmy. 507 00:19:52,561 --> 00:19:54,430 - Cheers. - Cheers. 508 00:19:54,530 --> 00:19:56,298 - So thanks for coming all the way out here, 509 00:19:56,399 --> 00:19:58,033 but I think it's time for you to go. 510 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:01,070 - And just so you know, I'm sticking with Jimmy, too. 511 00:20:01,137 --> 00:20:04,640 - [scoffs] - I don't know who you are. 512 00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:07,109 - And guess what, sweetie. You're never gonna! 513 00:20:07,209 --> 00:20:08,711 - Well, no, I would like for her-- 514 00:20:08,778 --> 00:20:10,279 You will not know her! 515 00:20:10,379 --> 00:20:12,815 - I would like for her to know who I am eventually. 516 00:20:15,785 --> 00:20:18,754 - Oh, there you are. Aren't you coming in? 517 00:20:18,821 --> 00:20:20,956 Yeah, yeah. 518 00:20:21,056 --> 00:20:24,093 I was just taking a second. But you did great. 519 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,628 They loved you. 520 00:20:25,728 --> 00:20:27,596 - You okay? - Mm-hmm. 521 00:20:28,631 --> 00:20:31,734 I mean... it was kind of hard to hear. 522 00:20:31,801 --> 00:20:33,068 [laughs] You know? 523 00:20:33,135 --> 00:20:35,104 I-I just--I can't believe you never told me 524 00:20:35,171 --> 00:20:36,639 any of that before, you know? 525 00:20:36,739 --> 00:20:38,474 It was one thing to find out all that stuff 526 00:20:38,574 --> 00:20:40,009 about you and Dad-- it's another thing 527 00:20:40,109 --> 00:20:41,977 to find it out with 3,000 other people. 528 00:20:42,077 --> 00:20:44,180 - Yeah, I don't know why it's always been easier for me 529 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,649 to tell things to strangers. 530 00:20:46,749 --> 00:20:51,086 - Well, therapy's just talking to one stranger in private. 531 00:20:51,153 --> 00:20:52,788 - Well, my insurance doesn't cover it. 532 00:20:52,855 --> 00:20:54,323 What can I tell you? 533 00:20:54,423 --> 00:20:57,293 - Yeah, well, it's not as expensive as IVF. 534 00:20:57,359 --> 00:20:58,861 - Oh, yeah. How's that going? 535 00:20:58,961 --> 00:21:00,796 - Good. Good, you know? 536 00:21:00,863 --> 00:21:02,798 Three weeks out till our next round. 537 00:21:02,865 --> 00:21:06,869 Although, I don't know, seems like being a parent-- 538 00:21:06,969 --> 00:21:08,537 pretty tough. [chuckles] 539 00:21:08,637 --> 00:21:11,707 I-I always thought that you just didn't even try. 540 00:21:11,807 --> 00:21:14,343 But after tonight, I'm finding out you did try 541 00:21:14,443 --> 00:21:16,679 to be a good parent, and you still fucked it up. 542 00:21:16,779 --> 00:21:20,483 So I'm kind of scared that I'm going to, too. 543 00:21:20,549 --> 00:21:22,818 You will. 544 00:21:22,885 --> 00:21:24,887 It's impossible not to. 545 00:21:26,622 --> 00:21:28,557 But it's worth it. 546 00:21:28,657 --> 00:21:31,560 [soft music] 547 00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:34,697 Hey, look, I wore a good-luck charm tonight. 548 00:21:35,831 --> 00:21:37,900 Oh, my God. 549 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,169 That's a D'Jewelry 2019. 550 00:21:40,236 --> 00:21:43,072 - It's gonna be in the special. [chuckles] 551 00:21:43,172 --> 00:21:45,241 - Thank you. - Of course. 552 00:21:46,475 --> 00:21:48,043 It turned my wrist black, sweetie. 553 00:21:48,143 --> 00:21:50,312 - Oh, that's--that's really good for you. 554 00:21:50,379 --> 00:21:52,214 That's the iron. 555 00:21:52,314 --> 00:21:53,749 - Uh-huh. 556 00:21:53,849 --> 00:21:56,852 - I mean, I think news bloopers are funny, you know? 557 00:21:56,919 --> 00:21:59,421 Okay, can we go out tonight? 558 00:21:59,522 --> 00:22:00,923 - Sure. - I'm down. 559 00:22:01,023 --> 00:22:02,758 - Yeah, I want to get fucked up. 560 00:22:02,858 --> 00:22:04,527 - [both laugh] - Wow. 561 00:22:04,593 --> 00:22:06,362 - Okay. Sure. - Okay. 562 00:22:06,428 --> 00:22:08,597 - Wait, where's Marcus? - Oh, I don't know. 563 00:22:08,697 --> 00:22:10,432 He said he had to go see someone. 564 00:22:10,533 --> 00:22:11,700 [knock at door] 565 00:22:14,870 --> 00:22:16,071 Hi. 566 00:22:16,171 --> 00:22:17,606 Hi. 567 00:22:17,706 --> 00:22:19,341 - Sorry for the random stop-by. 568 00:22:19,408 --> 00:22:20,576 Is everything okay? 569 00:22:20,676 --> 00:22:22,278 - Yes. Yes, everything's fine. 570 00:22:22,378 --> 00:22:24,947 - Wait, doesn't Deborah have, like, a big show tonight? 571 00:22:25,047 --> 00:22:27,883 - She does, but I don't have to be there. 572 00:22:27,950 --> 00:22:31,186 I was hoping that we could talk. 573 00:22:31,253 --> 00:22:32,621 Sure. 574 00:22:32,721 --> 00:22:36,458 But I should let you know that I am seeing someone. 575 00:22:36,559 --> 00:22:38,627 - Good. That's good for you. 576 00:22:38,727 --> 00:22:39,962 That's-- 577 00:22:40,062 --> 00:22:42,765 I obviously was not ready for a relationship. 578 00:22:42,865 --> 00:22:44,967 - Yeah. - [chuckles] 579 00:22:45,067 --> 00:22:47,970 - Well, I'm down to talk as friends, if that works for you. 580 00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:51,473 - Honestly, I think that's exactly what I need. 581 00:22:51,574 --> 00:22:53,042 Well, that and extensive therapy. 582 00:22:53,108 --> 00:22:54,810 - [chuckles] - Some hypnosis. 583 00:22:54,910 --> 00:22:58,581 - Little electric shock-- - Okay, you're not that bad. 584 00:22:58,647 --> 00:23:00,583 - Here, come in. - Thank you. 585 00:23:00,649 --> 00:23:02,651 - By the way, your mom's been texting me. 586 00:23:02,751 --> 00:23:05,087 - both: Wrestling stuff. - Yeah. 587 00:23:05,154 --> 00:23:07,890 - So now how it works is I'm technically your manager, too. 588 00:23:07,957 --> 00:23:09,658 Hmm, is that how it works? 589 00:23:09,758 --> 00:23:11,293 Deborah, you have a sec? 590 00:23:11,393 --> 00:23:15,464 - Yeah, I'm just putting shrimp under his pillows. 591 00:23:15,564 --> 00:23:16,966 - Cool. Uh, maybe tomorrow 592 00:23:17,066 --> 00:23:18,834 we could talk about re-pitching networks. 593 00:23:18,934 --> 00:23:21,337 - No. I've been thinking about that, 594 00:23:21,437 --> 00:23:23,672 and I have another idea. 595 00:23:23,772 --> 00:23:26,241 Every product I've ever offered here, 596 00:23:26,308 --> 00:23:29,745 every necklace, every lip kit, every quilted bootie 597 00:23:29,812 --> 00:23:31,614 is something I would buy myself, 598 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,649 because it's something I believe in 599 00:23:33,749 --> 00:23:35,918 and I can't sell it to you if it's not. 600 00:23:35,985 --> 00:23:37,252 So trust me when I tell you 601 00:23:37,319 --> 00:23:39,321 that I've never believed in something more 602 00:23:39,421 --> 00:23:41,190 than what I'm offering you today. 603 00:23:41,290 --> 00:23:43,592 This product not only has my name on it, 604 00:23:43,659 --> 00:23:46,028 but it is me entirely, 605 00:23:46,128 --> 00:23:48,030 and the reason it's so special 606 00:23:48,130 --> 00:23:50,599 is because it is my special... 607 00:23:50,666 --> 00:23:52,101 - Whoo! - "My Bad." 608 00:23:52,167 --> 00:23:53,502 [both laugh] 609 00:23:53,602 --> 00:23:56,872 It's my life story-- the highs, the lows, 610 00:23:56,972 --> 00:23:59,208 the time the China trade wars stopped shipments 611 00:23:59,308 --> 00:24:01,310 of my Mrs. Claus self-sealing cookie jars. 612 00:24:01,377 --> 00:24:02,945 Oh, that was horrible. 613 00:24:03,012 --> 00:24:04,213 - Wasn't that a little bit of hell? 614 00:24:04,313 --> 00:24:05,814 - Horrible. Oh, God. - Yeah. 615 00:24:05,881 --> 00:24:09,018 And like all my products, with the rare exception 616 00:24:09,118 --> 00:24:11,720 of the jean-ish leggings last fall, 617 00:24:11,820 --> 00:24:13,322 I've road-tested it myself. 618 00:24:13,389 --> 00:24:15,357 I've taken it all over the country, and it works. 619 00:24:15,457 --> 00:24:18,894 It's what I've always wanted to say to you, the truth, 620 00:24:18,994 --> 00:24:20,329 whether I like it or not. 621 00:24:20,396 --> 00:24:22,398 - So let's go! - Yes! 622 00:24:22,498 --> 00:24:25,300 Okay, now, Deborah, what if some of our viewers 623 00:24:25,367 --> 00:24:27,236 do not have a DVD player? 624 00:24:27,336 --> 00:24:29,571 - Oh, I'd say get one. It's the future. 625 00:24:29,672 --> 00:24:31,340 But it will also include a downloadable link 626 00:24:31,407 --> 00:24:32,908 for your adult children to stream. 627 00:24:33,008 --> 00:24:34,343 That is wonderful. 628 00:24:34,410 --> 00:24:38,714 Okay, well, we have already sold 2,000 units. 629 00:24:38,814 --> 00:24:41,684 - We only have 50,000 units... - What? 630 00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:43,419 Um, available today. 631 00:24:43,519 --> 00:24:46,422 We are absolutely flying here. 632 00:24:46,522 --> 00:24:49,358 I am getting word from our producers--oh, my gosh-- 633 00:24:49,425 --> 00:24:53,095 that this a record for units sold in under five minutes. 634 00:24:53,195 --> 00:24:54,430 - Wow. - We are on track 635 00:24:54,530 --> 00:24:56,065 to sell out, ladies and gentlemen. 636 00:24:56,165 --> 00:24:58,100 We're getting into Slanket territory. 637 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,269 That's incredible. 638 00:25:00,369 --> 00:25:01,503 Thank you. 639 00:25:01,570 --> 00:25:03,772 - I guess there is money in DVDs. 640 00:25:03,872 --> 00:25:06,341 - I just loved it. You know, it's been a minute 641 00:25:06,408 --> 00:25:09,678 since I've seen an actual DVD box, and I miss 'em. 642 00:25:11,413 --> 00:25:13,115 - Oof. - Ooh! 643 00:25:13,215 --> 00:25:14,717 I am so excited to tell her. 644 00:25:14,783 --> 00:25:16,285 Honestly, this is the best part of the job, 645 00:25:16,385 --> 00:25:17,886 you know, delivering good news. 646 00:25:17,953 --> 00:25:20,022 [line trilling] Makes all the stress worth it. 647 00:25:20,089 --> 00:25:21,290 Totally. 648 00:25:21,390 --> 00:25:22,891 - Hi, Jimmy. - Hey, Deborah, 649 00:25:22,958 --> 00:25:25,360 - I have great news. - Everyone wants it, bitch! 650 00:25:25,427 --> 00:25:26,628 - Whoo! - Kayla. 651 00:25:26,729 --> 00:25:28,363 - I-I-I'm sorry. What are you saying? 652 00:25:28,430 --> 00:25:30,966 I was saying... 653 00:25:31,066 --> 00:25:32,935 every network is in. 654 00:25:33,035 --> 00:25:34,436 They all want to acquire the rights. 655 00:25:34,536 --> 00:25:35,637 We are gonna have a bidding war. 656 00:25:35,738 --> 00:25:37,039 - Boom. - Plus, "Variety" 657 00:25:37,106 --> 00:25:38,807 - wants to do a cover story. - What? 658 00:25:38,907 --> 00:25:40,642 - And "The Wall Street Journal" is interested in a feature 659 00:25:40,743 --> 00:25:42,077 on the whole "bet on yourself" approach. 660 00:25:42,144 --> 00:25:43,746 - Okay, sweetie, thanks. That sounds good. 661 00:25:43,812 --> 00:25:45,481 Um, but I'm right in the middle of a meeting. 662 00:25:45,581 --> 00:25:46,648 So got to go. 663 00:25:46,749 --> 00:25:48,817 Oh, um, okay. 664 00:25:48,917 --> 00:25:50,886 [line clicks] Bye. 665 00:25:55,090 --> 00:25:57,159 [laughs] 666 00:25:58,494 --> 00:26:01,230 [inhales deeply] 667 00:26:01,296 --> 00:26:02,498 [sighs] 668 00:26:02,598 --> 00:26:05,501 [upbeat music] 669 00:26:05,601 --> 00:26:08,337 ♪ ♪ 670 00:26:08,437 --> 00:26:10,739 [indistinct chatter] 671 00:26:10,806 --> 00:26:12,908 ♪ ♪ 672 00:26:12,975 --> 00:26:14,643 Hello, all. 673 00:26:14,743 --> 00:26:17,579 I just wanted to say that we are so incredibly excited 674 00:26:17,646 --> 00:26:19,314 to be the home for Deborah Vance's 675 00:26:19,414 --> 00:26:22,484 hilarious, provocative new special. 676 00:26:22,584 --> 00:26:25,020 [cheers and applause] Yeah. 677 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,923 And now I would like to introduce the living legend, 678 00:26:27,990 --> 00:26:30,125 Deborah Vance, to say a few words. 679 00:26:30,192 --> 00:26:31,093 Deb. 680 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,196 [cheers and applause] 681 00:26:34,296 --> 00:26:35,798 - Hi, everybody. Thank you. 682 00:26:35,864 --> 00:26:37,199 Thank you so much for coming. 683 00:26:37,299 --> 00:26:38,700 I really want to thank the network 684 00:26:38,801 --> 00:26:40,636 for taking a chance on this-- 685 00:26:40,702 --> 00:26:42,204 once it was already successful 686 00:26:42,304 --> 00:26:43,872 and there was literally no risk. 687 00:26:43,972 --> 00:26:45,941 [laughter] 688 00:26:46,008 --> 00:26:47,543 I'm kidding. I'm kidding. 689 00:26:47,643 --> 00:26:49,678 No, but there is a risk, obviously, 690 00:26:49,778 --> 00:26:53,715 supporting an elderly, messy bitch comedian. 691 00:26:53,816 --> 00:26:55,217 But enough about Bill Maher. 692 00:26:55,317 --> 00:26:56,718 [laughter] Um... 693 00:26:56,819 --> 00:26:59,454 I'm joking. Bill and I are old friends. 694 00:26:59,521 --> 00:27:00,889 We vacation together. 695 00:27:00,989 --> 00:27:04,827 Anyway, uh, but I really want to thank my team, 696 00:27:04,893 --> 00:27:06,528 who always had my back. 697 00:27:06,628 --> 00:27:07,896 [cheers and applause] 698 00:27:07,996 --> 00:27:10,499 Love you. And my amazing director-- 699 00:27:10,566 --> 00:27:12,234 where is she? Elaine Carter--there she is! 700 00:27:12,334 --> 00:27:15,504 Elaine Carter. She did an amazing job! 701 00:27:15,571 --> 00:27:17,172 Amazing job. 702 00:27:17,239 --> 00:27:22,077 And I especially want to give credit to my co-writer, 703 00:27:22,177 --> 00:27:24,413 Ava Daniels, 704 00:27:24,513 --> 00:27:27,683 who pushed me and never let me quit. 705 00:27:27,749 --> 00:27:29,852 Thank you, Ava. 706 00:27:29,918 --> 00:27:33,322 [cheers and applause] 707 00:27:34,857 --> 00:27:37,326 So cheers, everybody. Have fun. 708 00:27:37,392 --> 00:27:38,594 Don't drink and drive. 709 00:27:38,694 --> 00:27:40,095 I don't want to be upstaged tonight. 710 00:27:40,195 --> 00:27:41,597 [laughter] 711 00:27:41,697 --> 00:27:43,498 Thank you. Thanks again for coming. 712 00:27:43,565 --> 00:27:47,436 [cheers and applause] 713 00:27:47,536 --> 00:27:48,737 Amazing. 714 00:27:48,837 --> 00:27:51,607 - [laughs] - Hi, you killed it, lady. 715 00:27:51,707 --> 00:27:52,841 Iconic! 716 00:27:52,908 --> 00:27:54,009 - [laughs] - Really! 717 00:27:54,076 --> 00:27:55,444 - Thanks. - I have some people 718 00:27:55,544 --> 00:27:57,012 that I need you to talk to. 719 00:27:57,079 --> 00:27:59,214 That is Simone--she's one of our head executives. 720 00:27:59,281 --> 00:28:01,116 Okay, say hello, and this is... 721 00:28:01,216 --> 00:28:03,886 [indistinct chatter] 722 00:28:03,952 --> 00:28:07,055 [upbeat music playing] 723 00:28:07,122 --> 00:28:12,361 ♪ ♪ 724 00:28:12,427 --> 00:28:15,197 [clears throat] 725 00:28:15,264 --> 00:28:17,299 Hmm. You know, they're having a party 726 00:28:17,399 --> 00:28:19,301 for you down there. 727 00:28:19,401 --> 00:28:21,637 - I thought you weren't drinking. 728 00:28:21,737 --> 00:28:24,539 Ah, what else am I good for? 729 00:28:24,606 --> 00:28:26,308 [laughs] 730 00:28:26,408 --> 00:28:27,910 We fuckin' did it. 731 00:28:27,976 --> 00:28:29,978 - [sighs] We did. 732 00:28:30,078 --> 00:28:32,481 - [laughs] - We did. 733 00:28:39,087 --> 00:28:42,157 So, moving forward, I can extend your health insurance 734 00:28:42,257 --> 00:28:45,661 six months and offer three months' severance. 735 00:28:45,761 --> 00:28:49,464 - [chuckles] Ha ha, funny. 736 00:28:53,402 --> 00:28:56,438 Wait. What? You're not serious. 737 00:28:56,505 --> 00:28:58,941 I am. 738 00:28:59,007 --> 00:29:02,344 - Are--you're firing me? 739 00:29:02,444 --> 00:29:04,446 Are you fucking kidding? 740 00:29:04,513 --> 00:29:06,515 Why? Things are good. 741 00:29:06,615 --> 00:29:08,583 - Wha-- - Things are good. 742 00:29:08,650 --> 00:29:11,620 And they could keep being good for a very long time. 743 00:29:11,687 --> 00:29:13,021 That's the problem. 744 00:29:13,121 --> 00:29:14,690 You need to make space for your own work. 745 00:29:14,790 --> 00:29:16,325 - Come on. I know what you're doing. 746 00:29:16,425 --> 00:29:18,927 You're pushing me away because you're afraid. 747 00:29:20,963 --> 00:29:23,632 - Those people, they want you right now. 748 00:29:23,699 --> 00:29:25,534 They won't forever. 749 00:29:25,634 --> 00:29:27,369 You got to take advantage of that. 750 00:29:27,469 --> 00:29:28,670 You got to be a shark. 751 00:29:28,770 --> 00:29:30,138 You got to do what's best for you. 752 00:29:30,205 --> 00:29:32,607 - I get to decide what's best for me. 753 00:29:32,674 --> 00:29:34,376 - You didn't take credit for the special, 754 00:29:34,476 --> 00:29:36,011 - and you should have. - [scoffs] 755 00:29:36,111 --> 00:29:37,479 - You left that punch-up job early. 756 00:29:37,546 --> 00:29:40,115 - I came back for you. - That's my point. 757 00:29:40,182 --> 00:29:42,317 And what about that screenplay idea? 758 00:29:42,384 --> 00:29:44,786 Have you even started on that? Have you? 759 00:29:44,853 --> 00:29:49,224 - Wha--I've been busy, and my Final Draft is corrupted. 760 00:29:49,324 --> 00:29:52,894 - And I would keep you busy. It's like you said. 761 00:29:52,995 --> 00:29:55,197 I'm gonna keep working until the day I die. 762 00:29:55,297 --> 00:29:57,499 Do you know how old you're gonna be when I'm 109? 763 00:29:57,566 --> 00:30:00,502 - [crying] Please don't make me do math right now. 764 00:30:01,837 --> 00:30:04,473 [sniffles] You're the one with all the stories. 765 00:30:04,539 --> 00:30:06,408 What do I even have to say? 766 00:30:06,508 --> 00:30:08,410 That's the thing. 767 00:30:08,510 --> 00:30:10,846 You got to go figure it out. 768 00:30:10,912 --> 00:30:12,581 I told you... 769 00:30:12,681 --> 00:30:15,083 you're just like me. 770 00:30:15,183 --> 00:30:17,886 [soft music] 771 00:30:17,986 --> 00:30:20,222 You got your own mountain to climb. 772 00:30:20,322 --> 00:30:22,591 ♪ ♪ 773 00:30:22,691 --> 00:30:25,660 But we're-- we're good together. 774 00:30:25,727 --> 00:30:29,197 I don't want to be here. I-- 775 00:30:29,264 --> 00:30:31,867 I want to be wherever you are. 776 00:30:31,933 --> 00:30:34,369 - I got to get back. - No, wait, whoa! 777 00:30:34,436 --> 00:30:36,171 Deborah, that's it? 778 00:30:36,238 --> 00:30:39,441 We're not gonna talk anymore? I won't see you? 779 00:30:39,541 --> 00:30:41,910 Oh, you'll see me... 780 00:30:42,010 --> 00:30:43,545 in court. 781 00:30:43,612 --> 00:30:45,547 ♪ ♪ 782 00:30:45,614 --> 00:30:48,450 [chuckles] 783 00:30:48,550 --> 00:30:50,419 [sighs] 784 00:30:50,519 --> 00:30:57,592 ♪ ♪ 785 00:31:09,604 --> 00:31:12,607 [indistinct chatter on TV] 786 00:31:12,707 --> 00:31:17,379 ♪ ♪ 787 00:31:17,446 --> 00:31:20,549 [phone vibrates] 788 00:31:22,951 --> 00:31:24,419 Hey, Jimmy, what's up? 789 00:31:24,486 --> 00:31:26,655 - Hey, how's the new place? - Uh, it's good. 790 00:31:26,755 --> 00:31:28,090 I-I'm actually kind of excited 791 00:31:28,156 --> 00:31:30,158 to reenter subletter culture, you know? 792 00:31:30,258 --> 00:31:33,495 We got no ties, no rules, no ability to paint. 793 00:31:33,595 --> 00:31:35,764 - [chuckles] Uh, so I have some good news. 794 00:31:35,831 --> 00:31:36,998 That pilot you did punch-ups for 795 00:31:37,099 --> 00:31:38,500 was just picked up to series, 796 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:40,335 and apparently a bunch of your jokes 797 00:31:40,435 --> 00:31:42,237 ended up in the final cut, and they called to ask 798 00:31:42,304 --> 00:31:44,106 if you're available to staff. 799 00:31:44,172 --> 00:31:45,307 - Seriously? - Yep. 800 00:31:45,407 --> 00:31:46,842 The job is yours if you want it, 801 00:31:46,942 --> 00:31:49,111 as long as you promise not to leave early again. 802 00:31:49,177 --> 00:31:50,345 Amazing. 803 00:31:50,445 --> 00:31:53,849 - Also, I have some news from Deborah. 804 00:31:53,949 --> 00:31:55,450 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 805 00:31:55,517 --> 00:31:59,321 She called this morning. She's dropping the lawsuit. 806 00:31:59,421 --> 00:32:02,190 - Oh, that--that's great. 807 00:32:02,290 --> 00:32:06,094 - Amazing, right? Isn't that a relief? 808 00:32:06,161 --> 00:32:07,529 - So that court date-- 809 00:32:07,629 --> 00:32:09,364 - Yep, stricken from the record or whatever. 810 00:32:09,464 --> 00:32:11,199 You don't have to worry about it. 811 00:32:11,299 --> 00:32:13,368 - Congrats. - Thanks. 812 00:32:13,468 --> 00:32:15,770 - Uh, anyway, what else do I have for you? 813 00:32:15,837 --> 00:32:17,305 Oh, would you be interested 814 00:32:17,372 --> 00:32:19,040 in doing a half-day round table for "Ice Age 12"? 815 00:32:19,141 --> 00:32:20,709 Are you familiar with the "Ice Age" universe? 816 00:32:20,809 --> 00:32:22,711 They need a lot of women in the room. 817 00:32:22,811 --> 00:32:24,446 They want a female perspective 818 00:32:24,513 --> 00:32:26,281 on the female woolly mammoth character they have. 819 00:32:26,348 --> 00:32:28,016 - Mm-hmm. - It's spelled H-O-A-R, 820 00:32:28,116 --> 00:32:29,618 and you might want to pitch an alt on that. 821 00:32:29,684 --> 00:32:31,386 You know, sounds problematic to me. 822 00:32:31,486 --> 00:32:33,054 But what do I know, you know? I'm just a manager. 823 00:32:33,155 --> 00:32:34,556 Although I do have good ideas. 824 00:32:34,656 --> 00:32:36,691 You know, it was my idea to do Fandango. 825 00:32:36,791 --> 00:32:38,326 - So you put on a gorgeous dress. 826 00:32:38,393 --> 00:32:40,128 You're all ready for a night out on the town, 827 00:32:40,195 --> 00:32:41,396 but no one to zip you up? 828 00:32:41,496 --> 00:32:43,198 - Ugh. - What do you do? 829 00:32:43,298 --> 00:32:45,800 You hook this ingenious little device to your zipper. 830 00:32:45,867 --> 00:32:48,003 Just a one, two, three. 831 00:32:48,069 --> 00:32:49,404 - Voilà. - Look at that. 832 00:32:49,504 --> 00:32:50,906 - Isn't that cute and convenient? 833 00:32:51,006 --> 00:32:53,408 - It is, and you don't need anybody. 834 00:32:53,508 --> 00:32:54,910 All you need is yourself. 835 00:32:55,010 --> 00:32:56,645 - You may not know what the night 836 00:32:56,711 --> 00:32:58,480 has in store for you, but at least you know 837 00:32:58,547 --> 00:33:01,016 you're ready for whatever comes. 838 00:33:01,082 --> 00:33:03,251 ♪ Goodbye, stranger ♪ 839 00:33:03,351 --> 00:33:04,819 ♪ It's been nice ♪ 840 00:33:04,886 --> 00:33:08,723 ♪ Hope you find your paradise ♪ 841 00:33:08,823 --> 00:33:12,761 ♪ Tried to see your point of view ♪ 842 00:33:12,861 --> 00:33:16,565 ♪ Hope your dreams will all come true ♪ 843 00:33:16,665 --> 00:33:20,268 ♪ Goodbye, Mary, goodbye, Jane ♪ 844 00:33:20,368 --> 00:33:23,939 ♪ Will we ever meet again? ♪ 845 00:33:24,039 --> 00:33:27,842 ♪ Feel no sorrow, feel no shame ♪ 846 00:33:27,909 --> 00:33:30,679 ♪ Come tomorrow, feel no pain ♪ 847 00:33:30,745 --> 00:33:32,614 - ♪ Sweet devotion ♪ - ♪ Goodbye, Mary ♪ 848 00:33:32,714 --> 00:33:34,849 - ♪ It's not for me ♪ - ♪ Goodbye, Jane ♪ 849 00:33:34,916 --> 00:33:36,785 - ♪ Just give me motion ♪ - ♪ Will we ever meet again? ♪ 850 00:33:36,885 --> 00:33:39,221 - ♪ To set me free in the land and the ocean ♪ 851 00:33:39,287 --> 00:33:41,289 - ♪ Feel no sorrow ♪ - ♪ Far away ♪ 852 00:33:41,389 --> 00:33:43,191 - ♪ Feel no shame ♪ ♪ It's the life I've chosen ♪ 853 00:33:43,258 --> 00:33:45,093 - ♪ No tomorrow ♪ - ♪ Every day ♪ 854 00:33:45,193 --> 00:33:46,962 - ♪ Feel no pain ♪ - ♪ So goodbye, Mary ♪ 855 00:33:47,062 --> 00:33:48,897 - ♪ Goodbye, Mary ♪ - ♪ Goodbye, Jane ♪ 856 00:33:48,964 --> 00:33:50,765 - ♪ Goodbye, Jane ♪ - ♪ Will we ever ♪ 857 00:33:50,865 --> 00:33:52,968 - ♪ Will we ever ♪ - ♪ Meet again? ♪ 858 00:33:53,068 --> 00:33:56,972 ♪ Meet again? ♪ 859 00:33:57,072 --> 00:33:59,808 ♪ ♪ 860 00:33:59,908 --> 00:34:03,745 - ♪ Now, some they do, and some they don't ♪ 861 00:34:03,812 --> 00:34:06,281 ♪ And some you just can't tell ♪ 862 00:34:06,381 --> 00:34:08,917 ♪ ♪ 863 00:34:08,984 --> 00:34:12,754 ♪ And some they will, and some they won't ♪ 864 00:34:12,821 --> 00:34:15,090 ♪ With some, it's just as well ♪ 865 00:34:15,156 --> 00:34:17,259 ♪ ♪