1 00:00:02,005 --> 00:00:04,675 - Okay, um, U.S. Senator. He killed someone. 2 00:00:04,741 --> 00:00:06,944 - A senator? I don't know! 3 00:00:07,044 --> 00:00:08,412 - [sighs] Pass. 4 00:00:08,512 --> 00:00:10,280 [papers rustle] 5 00:00:10,380 --> 00:00:12,616 Um, uh--uh, blind singer. 6 00:00:12,716 --> 00:00:14,051 - John Lennon! - Time. 7 00:00:14,117 --> 00:00:16,620 - Oh, my God, wha-- Stevie Wonder. 8 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,890 - Mm, how does he play the piano if he's blind, Ava? 9 00:00:19,957 --> 00:00:21,225 Oh. Okay. 10 00:00:21,291 --> 00:00:22,893 - So you guys got zero points again. 11 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,362 - God. - Unbelievable. 12 00:00:26,730 --> 00:00:27,965 - Ready? - Mm-hmm. 13 00:00:28,065 --> 00:00:29,566 Go. 14 00:00:29,633 --> 00:00:30,734 Bought your old house. 15 00:00:30,801 --> 00:00:33,403 - Suzanne Pleshette. - Yes. 16 00:00:33,470 --> 00:00:34,938 Stole your hairdresser. 17 00:00:35,038 --> 00:00:36,540 - Keith Urban. - Yes. 18 00:00:36,607 --> 00:00:38,909 [playful music] 19 00:00:38,976 --> 00:00:40,477 Didn't say hi at JFK. 20 00:00:40,577 --> 00:00:43,547 - Marie Osmond. - Yep. 21 00:00:43,614 --> 00:00:46,416 You don't know her. Pass. 22 00:00:46,483 --> 00:00:47,751 Ooh! Cheap couch. 23 00:00:47,818 --> 00:00:48,952 Oh, Barbara Bush! 24 00:00:49,052 --> 00:00:51,054 - This is so easy. - Yes. 25 00:00:51,121 --> 00:00:52,823 You used to share a gardener. 26 00:00:52,923 --> 00:00:54,491 Siegfried. 27 00:00:54,591 --> 00:00:56,593 - [stammers] Roy. - Yes. 28 00:00:56,660 --> 00:00:59,596 ♪ ♪ 29 00:00:59,663 --> 00:01:01,498 Innocent. 30 00:01:01,598 --> 00:01:03,834 - Ted Kennedy. - Yes. 31 00:01:03,934 --> 00:01:05,502 There was no guardrail. 32 00:01:05,602 --> 00:01:07,404 - Five seconds. - Um... 33 00:01:07,471 --> 00:01:09,473 broken condom. 34 00:01:09,573 --> 00:01:11,341 - Robert Mitchum. - Yes! 35 00:01:11,441 --> 00:01:13,076 - [cackles] - Time! 36 00:01:13,143 --> 00:01:14,478 We did it! We did it! 37 00:01:14,578 --> 00:01:17,114 - You guys obviously win again. - Yes! 38 00:01:17,180 --> 00:01:19,416 It's, like, 75 to 0. 39 00:01:19,483 --> 00:01:21,518 I think we should work. 40 00:01:21,618 --> 00:01:24,187 [laughter] 41 00:01:24,288 --> 00:01:26,189 You big baby. 42 00:01:26,290 --> 00:01:29,293 [The Ides of March's "Vehicle"] 43 00:01:29,359 --> 00:01:32,529 [bombastic music] 44 00:01:32,629 --> 00:01:34,164 My business manager embezzled from me 45 00:01:34,264 --> 00:01:36,266 and bought himself a place in Tallahassee. 46 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:37,934 I sued him, and the court gave me 47 00:01:38,001 --> 00:01:39,436 the house in Tallahassee. 48 00:01:39,503 --> 00:01:41,204 I said, "Why are you punishing me?" 49 00:01:41,305 --> 00:01:42,873 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 50 00:01:42,973 --> 00:01:45,475 Is that too--I mean, "Boo-hoo, 51 00:01:45,542 --> 00:01:47,611 my business manager stole from me"? 52 00:01:47,678 --> 00:01:48,979 Well, yeah, 53 00:01:49,046 --> 00:01:50,480 but it's what really happened to you. 54 00:01:50,547 --> 00:01:52,516 We just need to write a better punch line. 55 00:01:52,616 --> 00:01:54,217 Um... 56 00:01:54,318 --> 00:01:56,386 what about... 57 00:01:58,121 --> 00:02:00,824 "My business manager stole from me and bought a Rolex. 58 00:02:00,891 --> 00:02:03,794 Now every time he looks at it, it says '30 years to life.'" 59 00:02:05,562 --> 00:02:07,030 - It's not terrible. - [chuckles] 60 00:02:07,130 --> 00:02:09,132 That's what I love to hear. 61 00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:13,970 - [sighs] This is hard. 62 00:02:14,037 --> 00:02:16,373 Oh, my God! 63 00:02:16,473 --> 00:02:18,909 How do you take those all at once? 64 00:02:19,009 --> 00:02:21,211 - [gulps] - Oh! 65 00:02:21,311 --> 00:02:23,080 - It takes too much time to take them individually. 66 00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:26,083 - So you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake? 67 00:02:26,183 --> 00:02:28,251 - God, I could never. - Oh, yeah, you could. 68 00:02:28,352 --> 00:02:30,253 I've seen you take a bite of a hamburger. 69 00:02:30,354 --> 00:02:34,091 Here. In fact, here. You should take one of these. 70 00:02:34,191 --> 00:02:35,492 - Oh, I don't-- 71 00:02:35,559 --> 00:02:36,927 - Oh, come on. Take it. It's good for you. 72 00:02:37,027 --> 00:02:39,229 - You need it. - Wait, this is huge. 73 00:02:46,837 --> 00:02:50,440 [coughing, gasping] 74 00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:52,242 Hi. We have an emergency. 75 00:02:52,342 --> 00:02:54,578 They're retiring Black Pashmina. 76 00:02:54,678 --> 00:02:55,746 - What? - Yeah. 77 00:02:55,846 --> 00:02:57,114 - It's being discontinued. - No! 78 00:02:57,214 --> 00:02:58,849 - Can I have some water? - I'm so sorry. 79 00:02:58,915 --> 00:03:00,183 - [raspingly] What's that? 80 00:03:00,250 --> 00:03:02,386 - Ugh, it's the fragrance I have worn 81 00:03:02,452 --> 00:03:04,221 for 25 years. 82 00:03:04,287 --> 00:03:07,190 - I found a Lord and Taylor 200 miles from here, 83 00:03:07,257 --> 00:03:09,025 - and they have it in stock. - [gasps] 84 00:03:09,092 --> 00:03:11,094 - Okay, all right, if we skip the meet and greet and reroute, 85 00:03:11,194 --> 00:03:12,929 we can still make it to Springfield on time. 86 00:03:13,029 --> 00:03:16,466 - Really? Oh, my God. I'm so glad you're here. 87 00:03:16,566 --> 00:03:18,034 - Oh, there's a free gift with purchase. 88 00:03:18,101 --> 00:03:19,703 Lip liner and a travel size of the fragrance. 89 00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:21,405 - Oh, no, they're gonna sell like wildfire. 90 00:03:21,471 --> 00:03:23,106 - Yep. - Phil! Step on it. 91 00:03:23,206 --> 00:03:24,941 We're taking a detour. 92 00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:27,944 And remember, yellow means hit the gas! 93 00:03:28,044 --> 00:03:30,981 [lively country music] 94 00:03:31,081 --> 00:03:33,417 ♪ ♪ 95 00:03:33,483 --> 00:03:36,386 So I use four to six bottles every... 96 00:03:36,453 --> 00:03:40,257 [mumbling indistinctly] 97 00:03:42,058 --> 00:03:43,794 I'm gonna need 57 bottles. 98 00:03:43,894 --> 00:03:45,562 That is a lot of bottles. 99 00:03:45,629 --> 00:03:47,631 - Well, I plan on living to be 102. 100 00:03:47,731 --> 00:03:48,832 Conservatively. 101 00:03:48,932 --> 00:03:50,500 Optimistically, 109. 102 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,970 - Wow. Like, biblical almost. What's in those pills? 103 00:03:54,070 --> 00:03:55,672 - Well, I've been on a Mediterranean diet 104 00:03:55,772 --> 00:03:56,940 for the last 40 years. 105 00:03:57,007 --> 00:03:58,508 I come from Pilgrim blood. 106 00:03:58,608 --> 00:04:00,410 We're a very hearty people. 107 00:04:00,477 --> 00:04:01,812 Um... 108 00:04:01,912 --> 00:04:03,413 not sure you should be, 109 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,782 like, proud of descending from colonizers. 110 00:04:05,849 --> 00:04:07,517 I just, like, think that-- 111 00:04:07,617 --> 00:04:09,619 Tweet it. 112 00:04:09,686 --> 00:04:12,088 - No can do. [chuckles] 113 00:04:13,290 --> 00:04:15,792 [synth music playing] 114 00:04:15,859 --> 00:04:18,462 - Yeah, I'm gonna take the testers too. 115 00:04:18,528 --> 00:04:19,963 Okay, I need 33 more. 116 00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:22,132 See if you can find any anywhere on our route. 117 00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:24,868 Yeah. Okay. 118 00:04:24,968 --> 00:04:26,203 You and I are gonna go 119 00:04:26,303 --> 00:04:27,604 to the clearance rack before we go. 120 00:04:27,671 --> 00:04:28,772 People in this part of the country 121 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:30,207 don't understand fashion, 122 00:04:30,307 --> 00:04:32,042 so the best stuff gets passed over. 123 00:04:32,142 --> 00:04:34,010 Wow, what happened to, 124 00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,712 "Just because they don't live in New York or LA 125 00:04:35,812 --> 00:04:37,481 doesn't mean they don't know what's funny"? 126 00:04:37,547 --> 00:04:38,882 They know comedy. 127 00:04:38,982 --> 00:04:41,618 - But they dress like tableware. - [laughs] 128 00:04:41,685 --> 00:04:44,554 ♪ ♪ 129 00:04:44,654 --> 00:04:46,790 When I was a kid, I used to hide in these racks, 130 00:04:46,857 --> 00:04:48,391 and one time I hid way too well 131 00:04:48,492 --> 00:04:50,560 and my mom couldn't find me for, like, nine hours. 132 00:04:50,660 --> 00:04:52,829 - Oh, God. - I realized you could survive 133 00:04:52,896 --> 00:04:54,464 in a mall for a long time, though. 134 00:04:54,531 --> 00:04:55,866 Like, you could sleep 135 00:04:55,966 --> 00:04:57,467 - in the home goods section. - [chuckles] 136 00:04:57,534 --> 00:04:59,469 - Live off samples from the food court. 137 00:04:59,536 --> 00:05:01,304 Go to school at Barnes and Noble. 138 00:05:01,371 --> 00:05:03,740 - That'd make a good movie. Kid grows up in a mall. 139 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,408 Yeah, it could be, like... 140 00:05:05,509 --> 00:05:07,043 a metaphor for losing a parent. 141 00:05:07,143 --> 00:05:10,380 Like, "Home Alone" meets late stage capitalism. 142 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,516 You should write that. 143 00:05:14,017 --> 00:05:15,252 [gasps] 144 00:05:15,352 --> 00:05:17,687 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. 145 00:05:17,754 --> 00:05:20,590 See, this wouldn't fit me, but this would fit... 146 00:05:20,690 --> 00:05:22,259 Absolutely not. 147 00:05:23,593 --> 00:05:25,428 Absolutely not. 148 00:05:28,532 --> 00:05:29,900 Finally! A woman! 149 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,035 - Ugh, you've gotta hire an HR person. 150 00:05:32,102 --> 00:05:34,104 - I'm buying this for you. I'm buying it all. 151 00:05:34,204 --> 00:05:36,273 - I don't want this. - Oh, it's not for you. 152 00:05:36,373 --> 00:05:38,208 It's for the rest of us. 153 00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:48,785 Deborah? 154 00:05:48,885 --> 00:05:50,287 Susan. 155 00:05:50,387 --> 00:05:52,122 Susan Essig? 156 00:05:52,222 --> 00:05:55,058 [both laugh] Oh, my God. The hell? 157 00:05:55,125 --> 00:05:57,027 Oh, my God. 158 00:05:57,093 --> 00:05:58,695 - This is Ava. Ava, Susan. 159 00:05:58,762 --> 00:06:01,364 - It's been forever. - Yeah, I know. 160 00:06:01,431 --> 00:06:04,034 Just think, a child born the day I quit comedy 161 00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:06,403 would be old enough to quit comedy now. 162 00:06:06,469 --> 00:06:08,972 - [chuckles] Wait, wait. When did you quit? 163 00:06:09,072 --> 00:06:11,441 - I retired after that Reno showcase. 164 00:06:11,541 --> 00:06:13,109 You remember that? 165 00:06:13,209 --> 00:06:14,544 Oh. 166 00:06:14,611 --> 00:06:16,413 Yeah, yeah. 167 00:06:16,479 --> 00:06:18,048 - [laughing] What are you doing here? 168 00:06:18,114 --> 00:06:19,549 - Well, actually, we're on our way to Springfield. 169 00:06:19,616 --> 00:06:20,984 I'm doing the state fair. 170 00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:24,220 - Oh, fun. That's-- - Excuse me. 171 00:06:24,287 --> 00:06:26,056 I'm still waiting on those flats in an 8 1/2. 172 00:06:26,122 --> 00:06:28,758 - You're excused. She's actually helping us. 173 00:06:31,261 --> 00:06:32,829 - Yeah, I actually do work on commission, 174 00:06:32,929 --> 00:06:34,631 so I should probably get back to helping her. 175 00:06:34,731 --> 00:06:37,133 - Oh. Yeah, well, good, good. Wait, no, she needs shoes. 176 00:06:37,233 --> 00:06:38,902 Ava, go pick out some shoes. 177 00:06:38,969 --> 00:06:41,137 - Anything I want? - Sure. 178 00:06:43,239 --> 00:06:45,475 Not from the men's department! 179 00:06:47,110 --> 00:06:49,512 - You know, the state fair is very popular around here. 180 00:06:49,613 --> 00:06:50,947 My grandkids love it. 181 00:06:51,014 --> 00:06:53,183 They go crazy for those deep fried Oreos. 182 00:06:53,283 --> 00:06:56,486 I know I'm spoiling them, but I'll be long dead 183 00:06:56,586 --> 00:06:58,288 by the time they develop diabetes. 184 00:06:58,355 --> 00:06:59,689 - [laughing] Oh, God. 185 00:06:59,789 --> 00:07:01,358 Oh, well, look, you know what? 186 00:07:01,458 --> 00:07:02,993 Tell you what, why don't you bring them? 187 00:07:03,093 --> 00:07:05,195 Bring them to the fair and come and see the show. 188 00:07:05,295 --> 00:07:06,363 Well, we'd love that. 189 00:07:06,463 --> 00:07:08,031 - [laughs] Yeah. - Yeah. Good. 190 00:07:08,131 --> 00:07:10,367 - Give me your number. - Yeah, yeah. Let's see. 191 00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:11,968 - Now you put yours in mine. - Oh. 192 00:07:12,035 --> 00:07:14,504 - Okay, and then I'll put mine in yours. 193 00:07:14,604 --> 00:07:15,972 Okay, so I don't know. 194 00:07:16,039 --> 00:07:18,708 I opened something called Keynote? 195 00:07:18,808 --> 00:07:21,044 - Oh, shoot, I just put my number 196 00:07:21,144 --> 00:07:22,979 - in your calculator. - Oh, well, you know what? 197 00:07:23,046 --> 00:07:24,547 Here, take a picture of my calculator, 198 00:07:24,648 --> 00:07:26,049 and then you could text me the picture. 199 00:07:26,149 --> 00:07:27,517 - Well, which one's your camera? 200 00:07:27,617 --> 00:07:28,952 - No, the camera on your phone. - Ugh. 201 00:07:29,019 --> 00:07:30,353 Stepping in, folks. 202 00:07:30,453 --> 00:07:31,721 Just gonna... [phones beeping] 203 00:07:31,821 --> 00:07:33,723 Handle that for you guys. No problem. 204 00:07:33,823 --> 00:07:35,058 [phones blip, chime] 205 00:07:35,158 --> 00:07:36,893 There you go. 206 00:07:36,993 --> 00:07:38,561 - [chuckles] - Thanks. 207 00:07:38,662 --> 00:07:40,397 I should go help that bitch. 208 00:07:40,497 --> 00:07:42,632 - [laughs] - But I'll see you at the fair. 209 00:07:42,699 --> 00:07:44,901 - Go, go. All right, talk to you soon. 210 00:07:45,001 --> 00:07:47,904 - [sighs] Okay, loafer report. 211 00:07:48,004 --> 00:07:49,673 [whistles] Deborah. 212 00:07:49,739 --> 00:07:53,043 Okay, so these are technically unisex, 213 00:07:53,143 --> 00:07:54,411 but I thought you might like them 214 00:07:54,511 --> 00:07:56,379 because they are $800. 215 00:07:58,148 --> 00:08:04,421 ♪ ♪ 216 00:08:05,522 --> 00:08:06,823 You okay? 217 00:08:06,890 --> 00:08:08,692 Yeah. 218 00:08:08,758 --> 00:08:11,261 It's just kind of weird when I run into one of the ones 219 00:08:11,361 --> 00:08:12,595 who didn't make it, you know? 220 00:08:12,696 --> 00:08:14,197 I just feel bad. 221 00:08:14,264 --> 00:08:16,599 It's not your fault. 222 00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:20,937 - In the case of Susan, it kind of is. 223 00:08:21,037 --> 00:08:23,373 What do you mean? 224 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,575 - There was this stand-up showcase in Reno, 225 00:08:25,675 --> 00:08:27,711 and the finalists all got to go to the nationals, 226 00:08:27,777 --> 00:08:29,379 and if you won, then you were booked 227 00:08:29,446 --> 00:08:32,515 on all the college shows, so it was a really huge deal. 228 00:08:32,582 --> 00:08:35,118 And I knew that there was only room for one woman, 229 00:08:35,218 --> 00:08:37,253 if that, so... 230 00:08:38,688 --> 00:08:39,956 [sighs] 231 00:08:40,056 --> 00:08:42,258 I erased Susan's name off the whiteboard 232 00:08:42,358 --> 00:08:45,128 so she wouldn't know she'd made it into the final round. 233 00:08:45,228 --> 00:08:46,296 Whoa. 234 00:08:46,396 --> 00:08:48,098 Yeah, I know, I know. 235 00:08:48,198 --> 00:08:50,600 And right after that, she retired. 236 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:51,968 And now she works for commission 237 00:08:52,068 --> 00:08:53,470 in the shoe department. 238 00:08:53,570 --> 00:08:55,572 Eh, a little classist. 239 00:08:55,638 --> 00:08:57,774 - She was really good, you know? 240 00:08:57,874 --> 00:09:01,044 I saw her as competition. 241 00:09:01,111 --> 00:09:02,212 [groans] 242 00:09:02,278 --> 00:09:04,247 Why did I invite her to the fair? 243 00:09:04,314 --> 00:09:07,817 Last thing she's gonna wanna do is watch me perform. 244 00:09:07,917 --> 00:09:10,286 - Well, I mean, if she's that upset by it, 245 00:09:10,386 --> 00:09:12,655 she probably won't come, right? 246 00:09:14,657 --> 00:09:15,759 You're right. 247 00:09:15,825 --> 00:09:17,393 Of course she won't. 248 00:09:17,460 --> 00:09:20,663 No, it'd be too painful for her. 249 00:09:20,764 --> 00:09:22,499 Fantastic! Okay. 250 00:09:22,599 --> 00:09:23,933 Wait, is this the way out? 251 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,502 - No, I'm taking us to Mrs. Fields. 252 00:09:25,602 --> 00:09:26,836 I need a cookie... 253 00:09:26,936 --> 00:09:28,571 cake. 254 00:09:29,773 --> 00:09:32,742 [somber piano music] 255 00:09:32,809 --> 00:09:39,916 ♪ ♪ 256 00:09:48,792 --> 00:09:51,961 [tablet keyboard clacking] 257 00:09:58,968 --> 00:10:00,370 [sighs] 258 00:10:00,470 --> 00:10:07,544 ♪ ♪ 259 00:10:09,979 --> 00:10:11,381 Oh, Jesus. 260 00:10:11,481 --> 00:10:13,383 Kayla, it's Saturday. 261 00:10:13,483 --> 00:10:15,785 You gotta start using that calendar I gave you. 262 00:10:15,852 --> 00:10:17,887 - Oh, no, I know. I heard you had to cancel 263 00:10:17,987 --> 00:10:20,190 your trip to Cabo this weekend 'cause you had to work. 264 00:10:20,290 --> 00:10:22,792 I thought I'd come here in case you need anything. 265 00:10:22,859 --> 00:10:24,194 Oh. 266 00:10:24,294 --> 00:10:26,996 - Plus, I feel so bad about your trip 267 00:10:27,063 --> 00:10:28,298 that at lunchtime, 268 00:10:28,364 --> 00:10:30,567 I'm gonna make you a piña colada. 269 00:10:30,667 --> 00:10:32,402 [with Jamaican accent] Bring a little island to you, 270 00:10:32,502 --> 00:10:33,636 brother! 271 00:10:33,703 --> 00:10:35,905 - Oof, okay. Um, not an island. 272 00:10:36,005 --> 00:10:37,207 Also... 273 00:10:37,307 --> 00:10:39,676 be careful with the accent, but... 274 00:10:39,742 --> 00:10:40,743 that's actually very sweet. 275 00:10:40,844 --> 00:10:42,245 Just do me a favor. 276 00:10:42,345 --> 00:10:44,080 Could you make it virgin since I'm working? 277 00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:48,017 - Um, I don't think I can, but I can try. 278 00:10:48,084 --> 00:10:49,252 [chuckles] 279 00:10:49,352 --> 00:10:51,855 Okay, thank you. 280 00:10:51,921 --> 00:10:53,323 Thanks for coming in. 281 00:10:53,389 --> 00:10:54,924 My boss. 282 00:10:55,024 --> 00:10:56,759 Gotta love him. [laughs] 283 00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:59,095 [lively music] 284 00:10:59,195 --> 00:11:02,031 - [people screaming] - With all the discarded food, 285 00:11:02,098 --> 00:11:05,401 I would love to see a composting bin somewhere. 286 00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:07,570 - Ah, yes, let's make sure that nacho dog 287 00:11:07,670 --> 00:11:09,505 returns to Mother Earth. 288 00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:12,075 [phone dings, buzzes] 289 00:11:12,175 --> 00:11:14,277 Ugh. Susan actually came. 290 00:11:14,377 --> 00:11:16,679 - Maybe you should just apologize. 291 00:11:16,746 --> 00:11:18,448 - No, no. No, no, no, no, no. 292 00:11:18,548 --> 00:11:21,117 I'll treat her and her family to a day she'll never forget. 293 00:11:21,217 --> 00:11:23,586 I mean, how much could that cost, 47 bucks? 294 00:11:23,686 --> 00:11:25,121 Okay, I gotta go find her. 295 00:11:25,221 --> 00:11:27,123 Do you guys mind doing the sound check without me? 296 00:11:27,223 --> 00:11:29,893 - No. - All right, thank you. 297 00:11:29,959 --> 00:11:32,295 - Hey, uh, can you guys handle sound check? 298 00:11:32,395 --> 00:11:33,429 I found 14 bottles 299 00:11:33,529 --> 00:11:34,731 of Black Pashmina on the dark web. 300 00:11:34,797 --> 00:11:36,299 - Scary. - Be careful. 301 00:11:36,399 --> 00:11:37,800 Perfect. Thanks. 302 00:11:37,901 --> 00:11:39,636 The dark web? 303 00:11:39,736 --> 00:11:42,739 - Think he means Facebook. - [laughs] 304 00:11:43,773 --> 00:11:47,076 - Hello, hello. - Deb! 305 00:11:47,143 --> 00:11:49,579 - This is Keller. This is Mason. - Hi. 306 00:11:49,646 --> 00:11:51,314 - Boys, this is world-famous comedian Deborah Vance. 307 00:11:51,414 --> 00:11:52,582 both: Hi. 308 00:11:52,649 --> 00:11:54,717 - Tell you what, I got VIP passes 309 00:11:54,784 --> 00:11:57,153 so you don't have to wait in line. 310 00:11:57,253 --> 00:11:59,455 - And 600 tickets. - Thank you. 311 00:11:59,555 --> 00:12:02,292 - Thank you. That's too much. 312 00:12:02,392 --> 00:12:04,494 No, it's the least I can do. 313 00:12:04,594 --> 00:12:07,163 - Well, I am just so excited to see you perform. 314 00:12:07,263 --> 00:12:08,665 Thanks. 315 00:12:08,765 --> 00:12:10,833 - Do you still have that joke about the leper's penis? 316 00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:13,002 - [laughs] No, no, no, no, no. 317 00:12:13,102 --> 00:12:14,604 The set's a little different these days. 318 00:12:14,671 --> 00:12:16,339 No, I'm actually working on some new stuff. 319 00:12:16,439 --> 00:12:19,309 It's...more confessional. 320 00:12:19,409 --> 00:12:21,511 - Huh, and you're trying it out here? 321 00:12:21,611 --> 00:12:23,179 - Actually, state fairs are good for that. 322 00:12:23,279 --> 00:12:24,781 I mean, it's not just comedy fans. 323 00:12:24,847 --> 00:12:26,282 It's everybody, you know? 324 00:12:26,349 --> 00:12:27,583 People from the city, 325 00:12:27,650 --> 00:12:29,519 suburban folk, you know, all ages. 326 00:12:29,619 --> 00:12:31,020 It's a good cross-section. 327 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,990 - Smart. You always knew your audience. 328 00:12:34,090 --> 00:12:35,325 - Well, not that time in Portland. 329 00:12:35,425 --> 00:12:37,293 Do you remember the skinhead bar? 330 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,129 [both laugh] Oh, they did not like us. 331 00:12:40,196 --> 00:12:41,497 Oh, my God. 332 00:12:41,597 --> 00:12:43,499 We didn't know they were angry skinheads. 333 00:12:43,599 --> 00:12:44,867 I just thought they were bald 334 00:12:44,968 --> 00:12:46,836 and angry because they were bald. 335 00:12:46,936 --> 00:12:49,505 - [cackles] Your grandma's funny, 336 00:12:49,605 --> 00:12:51,040 - isn't she? - Yeah. 337 00:12:51,140 --> 00:12:52,442 - Okay, who's ready to go have a great time? 338 00:12:52,508 --> 00:12:53,710 - Yes! - Me! 339 00:12:53,810 --> 00:12:55,945 - You? Okay, let's go! Here we go. 340 00:12:56,012 --> 00:12:57,613 Stick together. 341 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,216 - Okay, so we have, like, two hours to kill? 342 00:13:00,316 --> 00:13:02,051 - Yeah, I'm gonna head back to the bus, do some work. 343 00:13:02,151 --> 00:13:03,386 - Really? Come on. 344 00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:05,021 It's a Saturday and we're at a fair. 345 00:13:05,121 --> 00:13:06,789 Don't you wanna, like, go on a ride or something? 346 00:13:06,856 --> 00:13:08,858 - I don't do rides. - Please? 347 00:13:08,958 --> 00:13:10,893 I was an only child, so I never got to go on rides 348 00:13:10,994 --> 00:13:12,795 at these things 'cause my parents didn't want to 349 00:13:12,862 --> 00:13:14,564 and I'd have to go by myself. 350 00:13:14,664 --> 00:13:15,865 Come on a ride with me. 351 00:13:15,965 --> 00:13:17,166 - Okay, these rides are held together 352 00:13:17,233 --> 00:13:18,568 by Gorilla Glue and rubber bands 353 00:13:18,668 --> 00:13:21,004 and manned by children on meth. 354 00:13:21,070 --> 00:13:23,072 - Ugh, okay, fine, we-- 355 00:13:23,172 --> 00:13:25,675 we could bet on the time the baby calf is born. 356 00:13:25,742 --> 00:13:28,011 It says there's a $1,000 cash prize. 357 00:13:28,077 --> 00:13:30,380 Think of how many skintight polos you could buy. 358 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:31,714 Okay, I don't gamble, 359 00:13:31,814 --> 00:13:33,716 and you shouldn't joke about clothes. 360 00:13:33,816 --> 00:13:36,085 - Okay, do you want to look at the butter sculptures? 361 00:13:36,185 --> 00:13:39,255 - The butter sculptures? - Okay, okay. 362 00:13:39,355 --> 00:13:41,257 We could get our caricatures drawn. 363 00:13:42,225 --> 00:13:44,394 - You sitting still and not talking. 364 00:13:44,494 --> 00:13:45,828 - I'm in. - Whoo! 365 00:13:45,895 --> 00:13:47,163 - Okay. - Yes. 366 00:13:47,230 --> 00:13:48,264 Love the fair! 367 00:13:48,364 --> 00:13:51,334 [lively music] 368 00:13:51,401 --> 00:13:53,269 ♪ ♪ 369 00:13:53,369 --> 00:13:57,206 [blender whirring] 370 00:13:57,273 --> 00:13:59,709 - [yelps] Fucker! 371 00:13:59,776 --> 00:14:00,877 Everything all right? 372 00:14:00,943 --> 00:14:02,512 - [with Jamaican accent] Ya, mon! 373 00:14:02,578 --> 00:14:03,613 [liquid pouring] 374 00:14:03,713 --> 00:14:05,114 - [softly] "Ya, mon." 375 00:14:05,214 --> 00:14:08,117 - ♪ Ooh, if you like piña coladas ♪ 376 00:14:08,217 --> 00:14:09,685 [chuckles] You do? 377 00:14:09,752 --> 00:14:11,421 - Oh, shit. Kayla, you're bleeding. 378 00:14:11,521 --> 00:14:13,556 - Are you okay? - I cut myself. 379 00:14:13,623 --> 00:14:16,025 And, uh, I'm a little wheezy from the blood. 380 00:14:16,092 --> 00:14:17,960 But I want you to have a good time. 381 00:14:18,061 --> 00:14:20,029 - Okay, it's really bleeding, like, a lot. 382 00:14:20,096 --> 00:14:22,098 - For a second, I'm just gonna have a little bit of... 383 00:14:22,198 --> 00:14:23,433 - Okay. All right. Just stay there. 384 00:14:23,533 --> 00:14:25,034 I'm gonna get the first aid kit. 385 00:14:25,101 --> 00:14:27,136 - 'Cause I feel a little bit like I'm gonna throw up. 386 00:14:27,236 --> 00:14:28,771 Oh, Jesus Christ. 387 00:14:28,871 --> 00:14:30,106 [whimpers] 388 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,209 [bell rings] 389 00:14:33,276 --> 00:14:34,644 - Grandma, squirt guns! - Can we? 390 00:14:34,744 --> 00:14:36,412 - Let's go. We've got four seats left. 391 00:14:36,479 --> 00:14:38,481 - Okay, okay, we'll take 'em. Just take 'em. 392 00:14:38,581 --> 00:14:40,650 - Let's go, let's go, let's go. - Come on down. 393 00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:43,986 - 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12. There you go. 394 00:14:44,087 --> 00:14:45,488 This one's a little tricky. 395 00:14:45,588 --> 00:14:47,056 You have to press really hard on the trigger, 396 00:14:47,123 --> 00:14:48,558 but not all the way. 397 00:14:48,624 --> 00:14:51,227 - [whispers] Don't worry. I'm gonna let them win. 398 00:14:51,294 --> 00:14:52,728 All right, guys. 399 00:14:52,795 --> 00:14:55,498 Three, two, one. 400 00:14:55,598 --> 00:14:56,599 Showtime! [bell rings] 401 00:14:56,666 --> 00:14:57,900 Go! 402 00:14:57,967 --> 00:15:01,737 - Look at 'em going. Look at 'em growing. 403 00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:03,172 Who's gonna win? 404 00:15:03,272 --> 00:15:04,974 There's only one way of knowing. 405 00:15:05,074 --> 00:15:06,776 - Mine's going! - No, mine's going! 406 00:15:06,843 --> 00:15:08,778 - You're too fast. I'm never gonna catch up. 407 00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:10,813 [both chuckle] 408 00:15:10,913 --> 00:15:14,250 - Watch and see. Who's it gonna be? 409 00:15:14,317 --> 00:15:16,853 Look, Grandma's winning. 410 00:15:16,953 --> 00:15:18,988 - [laughing] Oh, how is this happening? 411 00:15:19,088 --> 00:15:20,156 [buttons click] 412 00:15:20,256 --> 00:15:22,825 ♪ ♪ 413 00:15:22,925 --> 00:15:24,861 - Grandma, she's getting closer! 414 00:15:26,662 --> 00:15:28,698 Come on, come on! 415 00:15:28,798 --> 00:15:30,166 It's not coming out. 416 00:15:30,266 --> 00:15:32,034 I think there's something wrong with my gun! 417 00:15:32,135 --> 00:15:33,603 You're a lost cause! 418 00:15:33,669 --> 00:15:34,971 Help me. 419 00:15:35,037 --> 00:15:36,539 Shoot towards Grandma's hole! 420 00:15:36,639 --> 00:15:39,475 - That's cheating. There's no teams! 421 00:15:39,542 --> 00:15:40,977 Come on. 422 00:15:41,043 --> 00:15:48,117 ♪ ♪ 423 00:15:49,385 --> 00:15:50,620 Whoo! 424 00:15:50,686 --> 00:15:53,356 Winner, winner, winner, winner, winner! 425 00:15:53,456 --> 00:15:54,891 [laughs] 426 00:15:54,991 --> 00:15:57,960 [organ music playing] 427 00:15:58,027 --> 00:16:00,163 ♪ ♪ 428 00:16:00,229 --> 00:16:02,064 - I'm gonna go get some funnel cake. 429 00:16:02,165 --> 00:16:04,066 Let's go, boys. 430 00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:11,307 Um, this is for you. 431 00:16:12,842 --> 00:16:14,844 - Thank you. - Congratulations. 432 00:16:18,347 --> 00:16:20,082 Look at you two. 433 00:16:20,183 --> 00:16:23,853 Such a cute couple. My goodness. 434 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,589 - You guys married? - Not yet. 435 00:16:26,689 --> 00:16:29,025 - What's the holdup there, bub? - Her personality. 436 00:16:29,091 --> 00:16:32,361 - [both laugh] - Uff da. 437 00:16:32,428 --> 00:16:34,063 So what are you-- what do you guys do 438 00:16:34,163 --> 00:16:35,932 - for a living? - I'm a writer. 439 00:16:36,032 --> 00:16:37,366 - And I'm the chief executive officer 440 00:16:37,433 --> 00:16:38,834 for an entertainment personality's 441 00:16:38,901 --> 00:16:41,170 media and consumer products empire. 442 00:16:41,237 --> 00:16:42,939 Uh, okay. 443 00:16:43,039 --> 00:16:44,574 Um... 444 00:16:44,674 --> 00:16:47,276 so what do you guys do for fun? 445 00:16:47,376 --> 00:16:49,245 Um... 446 00:16:50,713 --> 00:16:51,948 Writing. 447 00:16:52,048 --> 00:16:53,916 But isn't that your job? 448 00:16:54,016 --> 00:16:56,085 Yeah. 449 00:16:56,185 --> 00:16:57,720 - Okay--um, what about you? 450 00:16:57,787 --> 00:17:00,957 - I own and manage several rental properties. 451 00:17:01,057 --> 00:17:02,625 Yeah, look, guys, 452 00:17:02,725 --> 00:17:04,961 I'm kind of looking for hobbies here, you know? 453 00:17:05,061 --> 00:17:07,797 Something I could actually draw. 454 00:17:07,897 --> 00:17:09,732 So again, 455 00:17:09,799 --> 00:17:12,068 what do you do for fun? 456 00:17:12,134 --> 00:17:13,469 - The way I go through ChapSticks, 457 00:17:13,569 --> 00:17:15,972 it should be a hobby. [chuckles] 458 00:17:18,207 --> 00:17:21,210 - I like to organize my Pinterest. 459 00:17:21,277 --> 00:17:23,312 - I'm just gonna think of something. 460 00:17:23,412 --> 00:17:25,047 - That's probably best. - Yeah. 461 00:17:25,114 --> 00:17:26,415 - We'll do that. - Okay. 462 00:17:26,482 --> 00:17:28,417 - [whimpering] - Okay, this might sting. 463 00:17:28,484 --> 00:17:31,487 - [yelps] - Okay, okay, okay. 464 00:17:31,587 --> 00:17:33,556 - You think I'm gonna need stitches? 465 00:17:33,623 --> 00:17:35,424 - No, I think you're gonna be just fine. 466 00:17:35,491 --> 00:17:36,826 I feel so stupid. 467 00:17:36,926 --> 00:17:38,261 I was just trying to do something nice, 468 00:17:38,327 --> 00:17:40,563 but I always fuck everything up. 469 00:17:40,630 --> 00:17:41,931 Maybe I should just quit 470 00:17:41,998 --> 00:17:45,234 and go run Fox Searchlight or whatever. 471 00:17:45,301 --> 00:17:47,069 - You know what? It's okay. 472 00:17:47,136 --> 00:17:49,138 I fucked up so much when I was an assistant. 473 00:17:49,238 --> 00:17:51,107 - Really? - Oh, my God, one time, 474 00:17:51,173 --> 00:17:52,942 I was on Carl Dubin's desk, 475 00:17:53,009 --> 00:17:55,311 and I sent two clients on the exact same show 476 00:17:55,411 --> 00:17:57,446 each other's W-2s. 477 00:17:57,513 --> 00:17:58,914 So? 478 00:17:58,981 --> 00:18:00,916 - So they found out how much the other one was making. 479 00:18:00,983 --> 00:18:02,518 One was making $150,000, 480 00:18:02,618 --> 00:18:03,953 while the other was making $200,000 481 00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:05,421 for the same exact job. 482 00:18:05,488 --> 00:18:08,357 [laughs] 483 00:18:08,457 --> 00:18:12,128 That's, like, so little money. [chuckles] 484 00:18:12,194 --> 00:18:13,696 It is more than you get paid. 485 00:18:13,796 --> 00:18:15,865 - Yeah, but I just do this for travel money. 486 00:18:15,965 --> 00:18:17,166 - Mm-hmm. 487 00:18:17,266 --> 00:18:18,601 - By the way, next week, I need off 488 00:18:18,668 --> 00:18:20,369 because I'm going to the dentist again. 489 00:18:20,469 --> 00:18:22,338 Hmm... 490 00:18:22,438 --> 00:18:25,107 okay, my point is, I messed up a lot too, 491 00:18:25,174 --> 00:18:26,876 and it's all part of it. 492 00:18:26,976 --> 00:18:30,112 - Yeah, it's okay to mess up. - Exactly. 493 00:18:30,179 --> 00:18:31,714 - 'Cause our dads founded the company. 494 00:18:31,814 --> 00:18:34,450 - Well, actually, it's just the opposite for me. 495 00:18:34,517 --> 00:18:36,218 You know, I feel like everybody thinks 496 00:18:36,319 --> 00:18:37,687 I have this job because of my dad, 497 00:18:37,787 --> 00:18:39,722 so it makes me want to work extra hard 498 00:18:39,822 --> 00:18:41,057 to prove I deserve to be here. 499 00:18:41,157 --> 00:18:43,392 - Well, obviously you deserve to be here, 500 00:18:43,492 --> 00:18:45,695 but everyone thinks that I'm, like, a big joke. 501 00:18:45,795 --> 00:18:47,463 Hey, you're not a joke. 502 00:18:47,530 --> 00:18:51,167 I mean, sometimes I think maybe your outfits are intentionally 503 00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:53,536 tongue in cheek or something, but you're not a joke. 504 00:18:53,636 --> 00:18:55,671 But I will say, sometimes, 505 00:18:55,738 --> 00:18:58,140 it does feel like maybe you don't want to be here. 506 00:18:58,207 --> 00:18:59,675 But I really want to be here. 507 00:18:59,742 --> 00:19:01,210 I want to be a manager like you. 508 00:19:01,310 --> 00:19:02,912 - Okay, great. Well, you can. 509 00:19:03,012 --> 00:19:05,581 - You just have to prove it. - Okay. 510 00:19:05,681 --> 00:19:09,418 - Maybe you could reschedule your dentist for the weekend? 511 00:19:09,518 --> 00:19:11,320 I'll try, but... 512 00:19:11,387 --> 00:19:14,590 I already booked the ticket. 513 00:19:14,690 --> 00:19:16,859 To the dentist...office. 514 00:19:16,926 --> 00:19:18,160 Hmm. Okay. 515 00:19:18,227 --> 00:19:20,763 Maybe we find you a local dentist, yeah? 516 00:19:20,863 --> 00:19:23,265 Okay. 517 00:19:23,366 --> 00:19:24,934 You feeling better? 518 00:19:25,034 --> 00:19:26,702 - [sighs] No. 519 00:19:26,769 --> 00:19:27,937 Hmm. 520 00:19:28,037 --> 00:19:29,238 Do you have Oxy? 521 00:19:29,338 --> 00:19:30,606 No, I don't. 522 00:19:30,706 --> 00:19:32,408 But we have Advil. 523 00:19:32,508 --> 00:19:34,009 Doesn't work on me. 524 00:19:34,076 --> 00:19:37,012 - Huh. Tylenol? - Mm. Ick. 525 00:19:37,079 --> 00:19:38,247 Okay, here. 526 00:19:38,347 --> 00:19:40,349 So let me know what you guys think. 527 00:19:41,717 --> 00:19:45,588 [both laughing] 528 00:19:45,688 --> 00:19:47,690 - I got you, girl. - This is beautiful work. 529 00:19:47,757 --> 00:19:49,258 - Yeah, this is going in our dining room. 530 00:19:49,358 --> 00:19:51,627 - Aww, that's nice. Thank you. 531 00:19:51,727 --> 00:19:52,862 All right. 532 00:19:52,928 --> 00:19:54,463 - Yeah. - Have fun. 533 00:19:54,563 --> 00:19:56,065 - Mm-hmm. 534 00:19:56,132 --> 00:19:58,601 [both laugh] 535 00:19:58,701 --> 00:20:00,603 Well, we didn't really give him much to work with. 536 00:20:00,703 --> 00:20:02,037 Yeah. 537 00:20:02,104 --> 00:20:04,807 I guess we're both all about our jobs. 538 00:20:06,075 --> 00:20:09,211 But at least you're a CEO and, like, super successful. 539 00:20:09,278 --> 00:20:11,781 - I guess. - Uh, yeah. 540 00:20:11,881 --> 00:20:13,149 Plus you own multiple homes 541 00:20:13,249 --> 00:20:16,786 and you're in a relationship with a 9.5. 542 00:20:16,886 --> 00:20:20,322 - Actually, Wilson and I broke up. 543 00:20:20,423 --> 00:20:21,991 A while ago. 544 00:20:22,091 --> 00:20:23,826 Oh. 545 00:20:23,926 --> 00:20:26,328 That sucks. I'm really sorry. 546 00:20:26,429 --> 00:20:29,932 - Mostly because I'm married to my work, obviously. 547 00:20:29,999 --> 00:20:33,068 And when I did try to have fun, I almost killed a dog. 548 00:20:33,135 --> 00:20:35,638 Like, for revenge? 549 00:20:35,738 --> 00:20:37,907 - No, it was an accident. - Ah. 550 00:20:37,973 --> 00:20:40,643 Well, accidents happen. 551 00:20:40,743 --> 00:20:42,344 I called Deborah "Mommy" earlier. 552 00:20:42,445 --> 00:20:44,413 - Oh. - I don't even call my mom that. 553 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:45,981 [chuckles] 554 00:20:46,081 --> 00:20:49,018 - You know, Marcus, you're really smart 555 00:20:49,118 --> 00:20:52,021 and so attractive and incredibly tall. 556 00:20:52,121 --> 00:20:53,355 [scoffs] 557 00:20:53,456 --> 00:20:55,958 You're gonna find someone. 558 00:20:56,025 --> 00:20:57,259 Thanks. 559 00:20:58,961 --> 00:21:02,431 Can you maybe not tell anyone about the breakup? 560 00:21:02,498 --> 00:21:05,301 - Of course. Spousal privilege. 561 00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:08,704 [both laugh] 562 00:21:08,804 --> 00:21:11,540 Okay, I will do one ride. 563 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:12,541 Yes! 564 00:21:12,641 --> 00:21:15,344 Slingshot, bitch. Let's go! 565 00:21:15,444 --> 00:21:16,378 Okay. 566 00:21:16,479 --> 00:21:19,615 [indistinct PA announcements] 567 00:21:21,984 --> 00:21:23,652 - Hi. Um... 568 00:21:24,820 --> 00:21:28,557 I-I wanted you to have this hemorrhoid pillow they gave me. 569 00:21:28,657 --> 00:21:31,126 Hemorrhoid pillow? 570 00:21:31,193 --> 00:21:33,896 This is a plush donut. 571 00:21:33,996 --> 00:21:35,698 But thank you. 572 00:21:35,798 --> 00:21:37,566 - You can still use it as a hemorrhoid pillow. 573 00:21:37,666 --> 00:21:39,635 - Do you think I have hemorrhoids? 574 00:21:39,702 --> 00:21:40,803 - N-no! 575 00:21:40,870 --> 00:21:42,238 God, no. 576 00:21:42,338 --> 00:21:44,073 No, I just... 577 00:21:48,043 --> 00:21:50,246 Susan, I-- 578 00:21:50,346 --> 00:21:51,714 I just--I'm sorry. 579 00:21:51,814 --> 00:21:53,415 I got so carried away back there. 580 00:21:53,516 --> 00:21:56,018 - Oh, it's fine. It's a silly game. 581 00:21:57,753 --> 00:21:59,154 But you haven't changed a bit. 582 00:21:59,221 --> 00:22:01,357 You are still the most competitive person 583 00:22:01,423 --> 00:22:03,759 I have ever met. 584 00:22:03,859 --> 00:22:05,928 About that, I... 585 00:22:07,429 --> 00:22:09,598 I owe you an apology. 586 00:22:11,033 --> 00:22:15,271 I think that I'm the reason that you quit doing stand-up. 587 00:22:15,371 --> 00:22:17,740 - Oh, I wouldn't say it was your fault. 588 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,342 No, it is. 589 00:22:20,409 --> 00:22:22,511 When they posted the advancing comics 590 00:22:22,578 --> 00:22:26,615 at the showcase... 591 00:22:26,715 --> 00:22:29,752 I erased your name. 592 00:22:29,852 --> 00:22:31,387 You had made it to the final round, 593 00:22:31,453 --> 00:22:33,923 and I can't help but think that if you had moved on, 594 00:22:34,023 --> 00:22:36,525 you'd have just kept going. 595 00:22:37,793 --> 00:22:40,229 - Wait, what? - No, I know. I know. 596 00:22:40,296 --> 00:22:43,232 There's no excuse. I'm sorry. 597 00:22:43,299 --> 00:22:44,934 You really could have made it. 598 00:22:45,034 --> 00:22:46,969 - [chuckles] Deborah, hold on. 599 00:22:47,069 --> 00:22:49,438 You think I quit comedy because I didn't make it 600 00:22:49,538 --> 00:22:53,309 to the next round of a college showcase? 601 00:22:53,409 --> 00:22:55,744 - Well, it was a national college showcase. 602 00:22:55,811 --> 00:22:57,446 No! 603 00:22:57,546 --> 00:22:59,315 That was when your daughter 604 00:22:59,415 --> 00:23:03,419 hit her head and got a concussion. 605 00:23:03,485 --> 00:23:05,054 - What? - Yeah. 606 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,990 She was, like, ten, and she snuck a bottle of vodka 607 00:23:08,090 --> 00:23:11,627 from the bar, she hit her head on a table in the green room. 608 00:23:11,727 --> 00:23:13,596 She got a concussion. 609 00:23:13,662 --> 00:23:16,932 Do you not remember this? 610 00:23:16,999 --> 00:23:18,667 I remember I closed 611 00:23:18,767 --> 00:23:20,269 with the one-legged cheerleader joke 612 00:23:20,336 --> 00:23:22,638 and it killed. 613 00:23:22,738 --> 00:23:25,407 DJ concussion... 614 00:23:25,474 --> 00:23:26,909 - no. - [chuckles] 615 00:23:26,976 --> 00:23:29,445 - Wait, wait, why would you retire after that? 616 00:23:29,511 --> 00:23:32,114 - Well, I'd just found out that I was pregnant. 617 00:23:32,181 --> 00:23:35,117 And, um... 618 00:23:35,184 --> 00:23:37,486 then that happened and... 619 00:23:40,689 --> 00:23:42,491 I saw the sacrifices you were making 620 00:23:42,591 --> 00:23:44,994 to have your daughter on the road. 621 00:23:45,094 --> 00:23:47,830 And I just had this vision of the kind of person 622 00:23:47,930 --> 00:23:51,834 I'd have to be in order to make it, and... 623 00:23:54,937 --> 00:23:58,340 You were completely devoted to your work. 624 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:02,878 You had to be. You were like a shark. 625 00:24:02,978 --> 00:24:04,613 I mean, case in point, 626 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,982 you didn't even realize it happened. 627 00:24:07,049 --> 00:24:10,519 - Hell, I don't even remember it now. 628 00:24:10,619 --> 00:24:13,055 Well, the point is, 629 00:24:13,155 --> 00:24:15,124 I couldn't do it. 630 00:24:18,694 --> 00:24:21,063 Or I didn't want to. 631 00:24:22,531 --> 00:24:25,801 But it's nice to know I made it to the next round. 632 00:24:27,670 --> 00:24:31,173 - [chuckling] You were really funny. 633 00:24:32,574 --> 00:24:33,976 I know. 634 00:24:35,678 --> 00:24:36,812 You miss it? 635 00:24:36,879 --> 00:24:38,180 [inhales deeply] 636 00:24:38,247 --> 00:24:40,049 Sometimes, when I see someone 637 00:24:40,149 --> 00:24:42,084 like Leona Skaggsley doing a guest spot 638 00:24:42,184 --> 00:24:43,852 on "Grey's Anatomy," I think, 639 00:24:43,919 --> 00:24:46,922 "Ooh, I could have been funnier than that." 640 00:24:47,022 --> 00:24:49,058 - [chuckles] Yeah, well, 641 00:24:49,158 --> 00:24:50,759 not the most comedic show. 642 00:24:50,859 --> 00:24:54,029 - Well, sometimes they use the guest actors for levity. 643 00:24:54,096 --> 00:24:55,898 That's true. 644 00:24:59,034 --> 00:25:01,170 I am... 645 00:25:01,236 --> 00:25:05,441 so, so sorry I erased your name. 646 00:25:05,541 --> 00:25:09,411 - Hey, we both did what we had to do. 647 00:25:09,511 --> 00:25:12,781 And it worked out for both of us, right? 648 00:25:12,881 --> 00:25:14,550 Also, I told everyone 649 00:25:14,616 --> 00:25:17,853 you blew one of the judges to get on that showcase. 650 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,621 So I call it even. 651 00:25:19,722 --> 00:25:21,623 - [laughing] You bitch! 652 00:25:21,724 --> 00:25:25,094 [both laughing] 653 00:25:29,431 --> 00:25:31,633 - All right. - Whoo-hoo! [chuckles] 654 00:25:31,734 --> 00:25:32,935 [restraints click] Down. 655 00:25:33,035 --> 00:25:34,570 - Here we go. - Here we go. 656 00:25:34,636 --> 00:25:35,771 - [stammers] Uh, I want-- 657 00:25:35,871 --> 00:25:37,239 - I want to get off. - What? 658 00:25:37,306 --> 00:25:38,607 - I want to get off. We need to get off. 659 00:25:38,707 --> 00:25:39,975 - You're the one who wanted to do this. 660 00:25:40,075 --> 00:25:41,710 - I don't. I decided that I don't. 661 00:25:41,777 --> 00:25:43,412 - I'm only doing this for you, Ava. 662 00:25:43,479 --> 00:25:46,982 - Excuse me. Uh, sir. Does anyone-- 663 00:25:47,082 --> 00:25:48,550 - let me off! - We're already strapped in. 664 00:25:48,617 --> 00:25:50,953 Stop! Seriously! 665 00:25:51,053 --> 00:25:53,956 - Stop! I have a bomb! - This isn't a plane, Ava. 666 00:25:54,056 --> 00:25:55,457 - Diarrhea! - [laughs] 667 00:25:55,557 --> 00:25:57,493 - Stop the ride or I'll make a big mess! 668 00:25:57,593 --> 00:25:59,328 [ride creaks] Oh, no! Oh, God! 669 00:25:59,428 --> 00:26:00,496 No, no! 670 00:26:00,596 --> 00:26:02,498 [ride clanks] [screams] 671 00:26:05,234 --> 00:26:06,802 Hey, I'm headed out. 672 00:26:06,902 --> 00:26:08,504 Mahalo, my king. 673 00:26:08,604 --> 00:26:10,439 And I was thinking. 674 00:26:10,506 --> 00:26:11,907 How would you like to do coverage 675 00:26:11,974 --> 00:26:13,942 on a couple scripts for me? 676 00:26:14,009 --> 00:26:15,811 - Really? - Yeah. 677 00:26:15,911 --> 00:26:19,281 Oh, I would love to. Yeah. 678 00:26:19,348 --> 00:26:21,083 Thank you, Jimmy. 679 00:26:21,150 --> 00:26:22,951 - Thank you. I'll see you Monday? 680 00:26:23,018 --> 00:26:25,621 - I'll see you Monday. [chuckles] 681 00:26:29,625 --> 00:26:32,761 [keyboard clacking] 682 00:26:33,662 --> 00:26:38,534 "What is coverage...script." 683 00:26:39,835 --> 00:26:42,638 - [laughter] - Uh-huh, uh-huh. 684 00:26:42,704 --> 00:26:44,373 You know what I'm talking about. 685 00:26:44,473 --> 00:26:48,277 Being a female comedian is a lot of joke writing 686 00:26:48,343 --> 00:26:50,345 and then men telling you you're ugly 687 00:26:50,445 --> 00:26:52,714 or that you should sleep with them, 688 00:26:52,815 --> 00:26:54,716 whereas women in other professions don't 689 00:26:54,817 --> 00:26:55,951 write as many jokes. 690 00:26:56,018 --> 00:26:58,120 [laughter] 691 00:26:58,187 --> 00:27:00,155 [cheers and applause] 692 00:27:00,222 --> 00:27:02,057 But I'm lucky to be in comedy 693 00:27:02,157 --> 00:27:03,625 because I could never have been a nurse, 694 00:27:03,692 --> 00:27:05,394 I mean, my God, those shoes-- 695 00:27:05,494 --> 00:27:06,895 announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 696 00:27:06,995 --> 00:27:10,332 Bessie is calving. [cow mooing] 697 00:27:10,399 --> 00:27:13,068 The calf birth is just moments away. 698 00:27:13,168 --> 00:27:15,037 Check your tickets and head to tent four 699 00:27:15,137 --> 00:27:17,906 to see the new addition and claim your prize. 700 00:27:18,006 --> 00:27:19,241 Lord! 701 00:27:19,341 --> 00:27:20,976 Honey, I think you should have had a C-section. 702 00:27:21,043 --> 00:27:23,078 [laughter] Ouch. 703 00:27:23,178 --> 00:27:26,381 announcer: You know the rule. Hooves on the ground. 704 00:27:26,481 --> 00:27:28,150 Oh, there she is! 705 00:27:28,217 --> 00:27:30,752 Winning time is 4:36. 706 00:27:30,853 --> 00:27:32,554 Please go to the livestock stall 707 00:27:32,654 --> 00:27:35,190 to check your tickets and collect your winnings. 708 00:27:35,257 --> 00:27:37,693 Check your watches, folks. 709 00:27:37,759 --> 00:27:40,662 You know, as I was saying before the... 710 00:27:40,729 --> 00:27:42,598 future cheeseburger interrupted... 711 00:27:42,698 --> 00:27:44,900 [laughter] 712 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,768 [cow mooing] 713 00:27:46,869 --> 00:27:49,938 announcer: Folks, we've got another calf! 714 00:27:50,038 --> 00:27:54,243 They're twins, which means multiple winners. 715 00:27:54,343 --> 00:27:57,279 [audience chattering] 716 00:27:57,379 --> 00:27:58,947 [somber music] 717 00:27:59,047 --> 00:28:00,582 - You know, I didn't know I was gonna be competing 718 00:28:00,682 --> 00:28:02,618 for stage time today. 719 00:28:02,718 --> 00:28:04,119 Should've shown more cleavage. 720 00:28:04,219 --> 00:28:07,089 [cow mooing] 721 00:28:07,189 --> 00:28:09,024 [clears throat] 722 00:28:09,091 --> 00:28:14,863 ♪ ♪ 723 00:28:16,298 --> 00:28:18,133 Hey. [chuckles] 724 00:28:18,233 --> 00:28:19,301 Whew. 725 00:28:19,401 --> 00:28:21,370 State fair's a tough crowd, huh? 726 00:28:21,436 --> 00:28:24,072 - Yeah, well, it's hard to share a time slot 727 00:28:24,139 --> 00:28:25,607 - with the miracle of life. - [laughs] 728 00:28:25,707 --> 00:28:27,142 Yeah, well, not the first time 729 00:28:27,242 --> 00:28:29,311 I've been upstaged by a scene-stealing cow. 730 00:28:29,411 --> 00:28:31,280 I worked with Chevy Chase in the '90s. 731 00:28:31,380 --> 00:28:33,315 [both chuckle] 732 00:28:34,816 --> 00:28:36,485 - Thanks. Yeah. - Yeah. 733 00:28:36,585 --> 00:28:38,387 - Thanks for coming. - Good to see you. 734 00:28:38,453 --> 00:28:39,988 You too. 735 00:28:40,088 --> 00:28:41,924 You hang in there. 736 00:28:44,459 --> 00:28:46,228 Come on, boys. 737 00:28:50,265 --> 00:28:53,435 [soft music] 738 00:28:53,502 --> 00:28:54,937 Thanks. 739 00:28:55,003 --> 00:29:01,944 ♪ ♪ 740 00:29:02,411 --> 00:29:03,679 - You actually look good here, though. 741 00:29:03,779 --> 00:29:05,347 [indistinct chatter] 742 00:29:05,447 --> 00:29:07,983 [laughter] 743 00:29:08,083 --> 00:29:15,157 ♪ ♪ 744 00:29:19,461 --> 00:29:22,631 - You want to beat us at Celebrity? 745 00:29:22,698 --> 00:29:23,999 No. 746 00:29:24,099 --> 00:29:26,134 Thanks. I'm not in the mood. 747 00:29:26,201 --> 00:29:28,370 We got you something. 748 00:29:33,208 --> 00:29:36,945 [laughs] 749 00:29:37,012 --> 00:29:39,781 - He was very kind to your hands. - [chuckles] 750 00:29:39,848 --> 00:29:42,050 I kept 'em in my pockets. 751 00:29:42,150 --> 00:29:44,319 [laughter] 752 00:29:46,388 --> 00:29:49,124 - Well, congratulations to the happy couple. 753 00:29:49,191 --> 00:29:51,159 - Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. 754 00:29:51,226 --> 00:29:57,966 ♪ ♪ 755 00:29:59,167 --> 00:30:01,003 - That would have happened to anyone in your position. 756 00:30:01,069 --> 00:30:04,239 No one can compete with a 20-foot cow vagina behind them. 757 00:30:04,339 --> 00:30:06,341 That's the thing. 758 00:30:06,408 --> 00:30:09,578 Nobody at my level would be in that position. 759 00:30:09,678 --> 00:30:12,848 Doing drop-ins and state fairs. 760 00:30:12,914 --> 00:30:16,651 After all this stupid, competitive shit. 761 00:30:18,854 --> 00:30:21,590 For what? 762 00:30:21,690 --> 00:30:24,192 Get bumped by a cow. 763 00:30:24,259 --> 00:30:26,561 Fight for a residency at Terrible's 764 00:30:26,661 --> 00:30:28,196 an hour off the Strip. 765 00:30:28,263 --> 00:30:31,266 - I thought you said the MGM was interested. 766 00:30:31,366 --> 00:30:34,369 - [sighs] Well, they're not. 767 00:30:36,038 --> 00:30:37,439 I should have.... 768 00:30:37,539 --> 00:30:39,541 just retired and gone out on top. 769 00:30:39,608 --> 00:30:42,711 [laughing] 770 00:30:44,379 --> 00:30:45,680 Who are you kidding? 771 00:30:45,747 --> 00:30:47,849 You could never retire. 772 00:30:47,916 --> 00:30:51,019 You're gonna be up on that stage until you die. 773 00:30:51,086 --> 00:30:53,021 At 109. 774 00:30:55,590 --> 00:30:59,127 And I'm the same way. I can't turn it off either. 775 00:30:59,227 --> 00:31:01,029 And nothing matters more, 776 00:31:01,096 --> 00:31:04,566 even if it should. 777 00:31:04,633 --> 00:31:07,102 Well... 778 00:31:07,202 --> 00:31:09,137 - shit. - [chuckles] 779 00:31:09,237 --> 00:31:10,972 You're right. 780 00:31:11,073 --> 00:31:13,108 And I don't want to stop. 781 00:31:14,576 --> 00:31:15,977 I like the work. 782 00:31:16,078 --> 00:31:19,748 - You know, Deborah, back in Vegas, you were on top. 783 00:31:20,782 --> 00:31:22,951 But with all due respect... 784 00:31:24,553 --> 00:31:27,155 I think that was just a hill. 785 00:31:27,255 --> 00:31:29,391 And now you're climbing a mountain. 786 00:31:29,458 --> 00:31:33,228 ♪ ♪ 787 00:31:33,295 --> 00:31:34,830 A mountain? Ugh. 788 00:31:34,930 --> 00:31:36,465 Sounds exhausting. 789 00:31:39,401 --> 00:31:42,170 We can't even figure out that stupid 790 00:31:42,270 --> 00:31:44,506 business manager punch line. 791 00:31:44,606 --> 00:31:46,508 - [sighs] Yeah. 792 00:31:46,608 --> 00:31:48,410 Maybe it's, like, 793 00:31:48,477 --> 00:31:50,912 something about... 794 00:31:50,979 --> 00:31:52,781 filing taxes? 795 00:31:52,848 --> 00:31:55,016 Filing taxes... 796 00:31:55,117 --> 00:31:57,085 filing... [water swishes] 797 00:31:57,152 --> 00:32:00,522 Filing nails, filing... 798 00:32:00,622 --> 00:32:02,357 ah, God, no, no, no, I can't do this. 799 00:32:02,457 --> 00:32:03,658 I can't do this. You know what? 800 00:32:03,758 --> 00:32:05,026 Get your bathing suit. 801 00:32:05,127 --> 00:32:07,462 - What? - You need to learn to float. 802 00:32:08,763 --> 00:32:10,832 - Come on. - [groans] 803 00:32:12,167 --> 00:32:14,302 - Come on. - No. 804 00:32:14,369 --> 00:32:15,637 [whimpers] 805 00:32:15,704 --> 00:32:17,038 - Nothing's gonna happen. Come on. 806 00:32:17,139 --> 00:32:19,307 - I don't like it. - Oh, for Pete's sake. 807 00:32:19,374 --> 00:32:20,642 - I'll hold you. - Okay. 808 00:32:20,709 --> 00:32:22,110 Okay, I'm gonna hold you up. 809 00:32:22,177 --> 00:32:23,311 - Like-- 810 00:32:23,378 --> 00:32:24,546 I'm just gonna support you. 811 00:32:24,646 --> 00:32:26,047 Lean back. 812 00:32:26,148 --> 00:32:28,316 Lean back. Lift your chest. 813 00:32:36,358 --> 00:32:39,161 Okay, what about this? 814 00:32:39,227 --> 00:32:42,664 My business manager stole over $3 million. 815 00:32:42,731 --> 00:32:44,666 If I wanted a man to take that much money from me, 816 00:32:44,733 --> 00:32:47,702 - I would have married him. - [snorts] 817 00:32:47,802 --> 00:32:49,237 Yeah, but-- 818 00:32:49,337 --> 00:32:51,873 no, we've got so much marriage stuff right before this. 819 00:32:51,973 --> 00:32:53,875 How about-- 820 00:32:53,975 --> 00:32:55,744 how about something about... 821 00:32:55,844 --> 00:32:58,747 how much that would be today with inflation? 822 00:32:58,847 --> 00:33:01,550 - Well, how much would it be? - I have no idea. 823 00:33:03,652 --> 00:33:06,421 - My business manager stole over $3 million. 824 00:33:06,521 --> 00:33:10,158 You know how much that is when you adjust for inflation? 825 00:33:10,225 --> 00:33:12,494 Neither do I--it's why I had a business manager. 826 00:33:12,561 --> 00:33:15,430 [both laugh] 827 00:33:15,530 --> 00:33:17,098 Oh, that's good. 828 00:33:17,199 --> 00:33:18,533 Oh, I like that. I like that. 829 00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:19,768 - I gotta write that down. - Wait, no, no. 830 00:33:19,868 --> 00:33:21,269 Don't leave me. 831 00:33:23,038 --> 00:33:24,439 You got it. 832 00:33:24,539 --> 00:33:27,542 [U.S. Girls' "4 American Dollars"] 833 00:33:27,609 --> 00:33:30,579 [bright pop music] 834 00:33:30,679 --> 00:33:33,848 ♪ ♪ 835 00:33:33,915 --> 00:33:36,518 - ♪ Numbers on a screen mean nothing to me ♪ 836 00:33:36,585 --> 00:33:38,753 ♪ We're on the same boat but different seats ♪ 837 00:33:38,853 --> 00:33:40,789 ♪ And how could you ever believe ♪ 838 00:33:40,889 --> 00:33:44,693 ♪ "It's not personal, it's business" ♪ 839 00:33:44,759 --> 00:33:47,128 ♪ No matter how much ♪ 840 00:33:47,229 --> 00:33:49,631 ♪ You get to have ♪ 841 00:33:49,731 --> 00:33:51,299 ♪ You will still die ♪ 842 00:33:51,399 --> 00:33:54,469 ♪ And that's the only thing ♪ 843 00:33:54,569 --> 00:33:56,404 ♪ You gotta have boots ♪ 844 00:33:56,471 --> 00:34:01,042 ♪ If you wanna lift those bootstraps ♪ 845 00:34:01,109 --> 00:34:03,078 ♪ ♪ 846 00:34:03,144 --> 00:34:05,480 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 847 00:34:05,580 --> 00:34:07,916 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 848 00:34:07,983 --> 00:34:10,585 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 849 00:34:10,652 --> 00:34:12,887 ♪ ♪ 850 00:34:12,954 --> 00:34:15,156 ♪ I don't believe in pennies and nickels ♪ 851 00:34:15,256 --> 00:34:17,626 ♪ And dimes and dollars and pesos and pounds ♪ 852 00:34:17,726 --> 00:34:20,595 ♪ And rupees and yen and rubles ♪ 853 00:34:20,662 --> 00:34:22,497 ♪ No dinero ♪ 854 00:34:22,597 --> 00:34:25,100 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 855 00:34:25,166 --> 00:34:27,402 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 856 00:34:27,469 --> 00:34:29,938 ♪ You can do a lot with four American dollars ♪ 857 00:34:30,005 --> 00:34:32,340 ♪ ♪ 858 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:35,410 [singers vocalizing] 859 00:34:35,477 --> 00:34:42,350 ♪ ♪ 860 00:34:42,450 --> 00:34:44,686 [indistinct chatter] 861 00:34:44,786 --> 00:34:46,521 This is my time to shine.