1 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,120 Funny things, toes, when you think about it, aren't they? 2 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,200 And the moment is ruined. 3 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,520 I mean, you've got ten of them, like little fingers, 4 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,000 but you can't do anything with them, can you? 5 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,720 Mmm. 6 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,760 There was a fella in Ireland did paintings with his. 7 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,360 He won an Oscar for it. 8 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:07,200 I don't think I could paint a picture with my feet. Do you, Mick? 9 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,640 Mmm. Like ten little sausages. 10 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,560 Imagine if they were all joined together. They'd be like two big chops. 11 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,400 Is that why they call them 'plates of meat'? 12 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,080 Is it, Mick? It's rhyming slang. 13 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,960 What? Plates of meat... feet. 14 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,440 Oh, yeah. Rhyming slang. 15 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,840 Do you know any more? Yeah. 'Shut the book up.' 16 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,440 Shut the book...? 17 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,840 Oh, that's nice! 18 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,480 Well, we can sit in silence, if that's what you want. 19 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,520 Oh, finally! 20 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,240 Jan... 21 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,240 Janice, I'm sorry. All right? 22 00:01:55,520 --> 00:02:00,000 It's just, I've had a lot of stress with the sun-bed shop burning down and everything... 23 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,520 and this is my one chance to relax before it all kicks off again. 24 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,400 Janice... 25 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,600 Come on. Tell me about your toes. 26 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:19,680 Well, I was just saying: imagine if all your toes were fused together... 27 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,320 Oh, for Christ's sake! You asked me to tell... 28 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,080 Oh, god, Mother! What's she playing at? 29 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,000 I thought Borat was going home today. He was. 30 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,560 I think my mother's taken a shine to him. 31 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:38,160 She's like one of them older women who go out with younger men... a cougar. 32 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,800 Cougar? 33 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,840 More like Freddie Krueger. 34 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,160 Oh, my god! I think I've come to the wrong place. 35 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,320 Oh, excuse me, love. Could you tell me where the Solana is, please? 36 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:07,880 Oh, Kenneth, you're so funny. You're in a good mood. What's the occasion? 37 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,960 Are Boots doing a three-for-two on frosted-peach lipstick? 38 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,520 We've had the most fabulous bit of news. 39 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,160 You're being transferred to Faliraki? No, cheeky. 40 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:20,880 A contact of mine now works for the British Olympic Association. 41 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:34,200 So exciting! The great and the good of Benidorm high society 42 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,000 are attending the gala tonight, including the deputy mayor. 43 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,960 Synchronised swimming? Boring. 44 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,640 A load of teens with pegs on their noses splashing around? No, thanks. 45 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:49,280 Hey, there's a lot of work goes into them routines, Kenneth. You mark my words. 46 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,040 I mean, from the waist up it's all grace and elegance, 47 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:56,080 but down below they're thrashing about like a bag of cats in a canal, man! 48 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:06,200 I say, that's a nifty-looking set of wheels, Madge! 49 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,040 The Tandoori Tandem... only one in Benidorm. 50 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:15,200 We wanted to have a stroll on the promenade, so I hired it for the day. 51 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:20,000 This is Mr Mohammed... he was a friend of Mel's from Morocco. 52 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,320 Donald and Jacqueline Stewart. Good to know you. 53 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,840 Ah, you speak Arabic? 54 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:32,160 Donald spent a bit of time in Tangiers last year... 55 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,720 well, let's say on a canoeing expedition. 56 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,240 You picked it up there, didn't you? 57 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:43,200 From your accent, I'd say you come from the southwest of the country. 58 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,320 I live in Marrakesh, but my family's from Casablanca. 59 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,040 Ah. 'Who loves ya, baby?' 60 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,400 Er... here's looking at you, kid. 61 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,240 Donald, stop it! 62 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,040 Honestly, he'll flirt with anyone! 63 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,120 I'll see you later. Bye! 64 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,680 What did he say? It translates as, 'I feel like chicken tonight.' 65 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,720 I bet he does, the mucky Arab. 66 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,880 No offence. 67 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,000 Pack your stuff up, Queen, cos we are going on a trip. 68 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,560 How do you mean? I've booked us on a booze cruise. 69 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,600 Booze cruise? 70 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,760 'We drop the anchor. You get wankered.' Hmm, subtle. 71 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,360 Oh, come on, Sam. It'll be fun. 72 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,880 I woke up this morning wondering if the bric-a-brac market was on. 73 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,440 So? I'm starting to think like an old person! 74 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,480 No, you're right... we should get out for a bit. 75 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:50,320 I've been playing Shag, Marry, Kill round the pool, and I'm currently serving 27 life sentences for murder. 76 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,760 Exactly. 77 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:56,720 It comes to something when the nearest thing to eye candy is Brylcreem Billy over there. 78 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,160 I think he fancies you. Oh, behave. 79 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,200 He's like a shaved polar bear. 80 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,480 What about Liam? He's young. 81 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,520 What, little Ron Weasley? 82 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,440 You fancy him, don't you? Get lost! 83 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,320 Natalie thought he was cute in a Some Mothers Do Have 'Em way, 84 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,360 but nah, he's not my type at all. 85 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,560 Come on, then. You can help me pick out a thong-and-sarong combo. 86 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,480 You know the Olympic games? Aye. 87 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,160 What do all the rings stand for? 88 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,560 Oh, it's the five different continents, like. 89 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,640 Yellow's for Australia, cos they get a lot of sun. 90 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:47,440 Blue's for the Antarctic, cos it's so cold. 91 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,840 Black's Africa... for obvious reasons. 92 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:55,920 Asia's red, cos it's full of Communists, and green's America. 93 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,920 Something to do with the dollar. 94 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:02,040 You missed Europe out. Oh, I think Europe might have joined quite late. 95 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,680 Kenneth, what do the five different coloured rings represent? 96 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:12,080 Mykonos, 1989. Ooh, what a holiday that was! 97 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,760 The Olympic rings were designed in 1912 by Pierre de Coubertin, 98 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,560 father of the modern Olympiad. 99 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:22,600 De Coubertin also coined the Olympic motto, 'Citius, altius, fortius.' 100 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,760 Faster, higher, stronger! 101 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,320 Thank you, girls. Rest easy. 102 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,000 Bloody hell. It's the Hitler Youth. 103 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,520 Stand up, boy, when your elders enter a room. 104 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:36,160 Hazel McCafferty. Could you tell the manager I wish to speak with him? 105 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,120 Oh, it's a 'she'. 106 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:41,480 Would you tell the manager I wish to speak with him, please, madam? 107 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,960 No, no, I meant the manager is a 'she'. It's a lady. 108 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,840 I am so sorry. Joyce Temple-Savage, Solana manageress. You must be Hazel. 109 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:53,200 That is correct. I won't touch you. I'm hapnophobic. 110 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,520 What starrage is this hotel? 111 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,200 I beg your pardon? How many stars do you have? 112 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:05,520 We are what is known in the hotel industry as four-star-pending. 113 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,800 So, three stars. Girls, we are leaving. 114 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,640 Is there a problem? 115 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,160 We are preparing for the London Olympic Games. 116 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,920 We are not a school trip or a hen party. 117 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:21,080 It is paramount that my girls have first-class accommodation and facilities, 118 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,200 and I don't see that in your establishment. 119 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,480 Put the leaflet down, Hermione. 120 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,600 We are here in Spain to compete, 121 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:32,440 not to throw ourselves down a rusty metal chute into a pool of hepatitis-filled slime. 122 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,440 I'm sorry. We shan't be staying. 123 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,920 Let's not get off on the wrong foot, Miss McCafferty. 124 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,880 I have allocated your girls Executive Twin rooms. 125 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:49,160 I have also upgraded you to the luxurious El Presidente suite. 126 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,400 There's a honeymoon couple just checked in. 127 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,440 They've just cancelled. 128 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:58,960 I can also offer you a free beauty treatment at our in-house salon, 129 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,560 where you'll be attended to by our very own Kenneth. 130 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:06,440 Excuse me... I'll need exclusive use of the pool for training purposes. 131 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,760 I'm sure we can come to some arrangement. 132 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,000 Very well. Girls, check in and go to your rooms. 133 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,000 Practice will begin at 1100 hours sharp. 134 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,800 We'll see how we get on. 135 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:19,880 Excuse me... I can assure you you'll have an excellent stay here, 136 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,360 and your girls will be perfectly safe with us at all times. 137 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,800 I wish to report an abduction and an attempted sexual assault. 138 00:09:41,097 --> 00:09:46,337 Yes, my love? Just a coffee, son. Strong and black. 139 00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:49,897 Ah, someone has been burning the candle in both ends! 140 00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,857 I was in town last night with Gavin, 141 00:09:52,897 --> 00:09:55,537 the gentleman who's here on his own, 142 00:09:55,577 --> 00:10:01,297 and we must have had the friendliest taxi driver in all of Benidorm. 143 00:10:01,337 --> 00:10:05,617 He invited us to a party with some of his friends, 144 00:10:05,657 --> 00:10:10,777 and we played the funniest game of Blind Man's Buff. 145 00:10:10,817 --> 00:10:12,777 What is Blind Man Buff? 146 00:10:12,817 --> 00:10:18,297 Well, you tie somebody up, and then you try to feel one another. 147 00:10:19,017 --> 00:10:24,577 But in Spain they play it with a full leather mask on. 148 00:10:25,217 --> 00:10:29,697 And then to make it harder, everybody took their clothes off. 149 00:10:33,617 --> 00:10:36,057 Oh, what a scream! 150 00:10:37,457 --> 00:10:39,457 Ta-ta! Ta-ta. 151 00:10:40,457 --> 00:10:43,697 Mateo, I want you to help me get everyone out of the pool. 152 00:10:43,737 --> 00:10:47,217 Is there a problem? The swimmers want to practise for tonight. 153 00:10:48,537 --> 00:10:51,937 Wow-wow-wow-wow! 154 00:10:53,577 --> 00:10:55,657 Are you sure these girls are English? 155 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,537 Well, they're British. Why? 156 00:10:57,577 --> 00:10:59,577 They do not have ass like jelly. 157 00:11:00,697 --> 00:11:05,017 Mateo, they're athletes, and if you can stop slavering like a dog at a barbecue, 158 00:11:05,057 --> 00:11:07,977 you might have the honour of seeing them in action. 159 00:11:08,017 --> 00:11:10,017 I empty pool. 160 00:11:10,657 --> 00:11:13,297 Excuse me! Everybody, get out of the pool! 161 00:11:13,337 --> 00:11:15,817 Quick... you need to get out. Choppy-choppy. 162 00:11:17,297 --> 00:11:18,897 Vite, vite. Yalla-yalla. 163 00:11:18,937 --> 00:11:22,737 Our Olympic sportswomen need the pool for training purposes. 164 00:11:22,777 --> 00:11:26,057 I'm sure you won't mind vacating the pool for just a moment. 165 00:11:27,097 --> 00:11:32,577 Thanking you for your indulgence, this is Joyce Temple-Savage signing out. 166 00:11:32,617 --> 00:11:36,897 Bloody cheek! You pay for all-inclusive, then they turf you out the pool, 167 00:11:36,937 --> 00:11:40,977 so a load of hairy lesbians can swill their sweaty gussets! 168 00:11:41,017 --> 00:11:43,017 They're very graceful athletes. 169 00:11:43,057 --> 00:11:45,537 Oh, beautiful. 170 00:11:45,577 --> 00:11:47,577 I could watch it all day long. 171 00:11:54,897 --> 00:11:58,977 So, Mel was in business with your old man, was he, Mohammed? 172 00:11:59,017 --> 00:12:02,057 He means your father. Ah, that is correct, yes. 173 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:04,497 And it's Mr Mohammed to you. Eh? 174 00:12:04,537 --> 00:12:07,617 His Christian name's the same as his second name. 175 00:12:07,657 --> 00:12:09,897 That's what they do in Morocco, isn't it? 176 00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:11,817 Yes, but not Christian name. 177 00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,977 So, what is your Christian name, then? 178 00:12:14,017 --> 00:12:16,617 I do not have one. So, your middle name's Mohammed? 179 00:12:16,657 --> 00:12:19,177 It is my given name and my family name. 180 00:12:19,217 --> 00:12:21,537 Mohammed Mohammed? Mohammed Mohammed. 181 00:12:21,577 --> 00:12:24,097 It is my father's name, and his father before that. 182 00:12:24,137 --> 00:12:28,417 Bloody hell! I bet it's fun handing out the presents round your house on Christmas Day! 183 00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:32,137 They don't have Christmas, do they? They have whatsit. Passover. 184 00:12:32,177 --> 00:12:35,177 Ramadan. That's it. How do you celebrate that? 185 00:12:35,217 --> 00:12:41,977 From dawn to sunset for one month, we must refrain from eating, drinking and sexual relations. 186 00:12:42,017 --> 00:12:45,657 Jesus! I couldn't go without food for a month. 187 00:12:45,697 --> 00:12:49,217 I've always said we could learn a thing or two from the Muslims. 188 00:12:50,097 --> 00:12:51,857 When have you ever said that? 189 00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:54,217 They look after their old people. 190 00:12:54,257 --> 00:12:57,737 You'd never see a Muslim grandmother left to fend for herself. 191 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,297 They get included. 192 00:12:59,337 --> 00:13:02,977 You get included, Mam! You're always coming on holiday with us. 193 00:13:03,017 --> 00:13:08,057 Oh, a week in Benidorm, and that's your duty done for the year... is that what you think? 194 00:13:08,097 --> 00:13:10,777 I didn't say that. If we were Muslamic, 195 00:13:10,817 --> 00:13:13,137 you'd have me living with you in your house. 196 00:13:13,177 --> 00:13:17,537 Where's all this come from? You were perfectly happy last night. What's got into you? 197 00:13:17,577 --> 00:13:21,257 Oh, don't worry. I'll be out of your hair soon enough. 198 00:13:21,977 --> 00:13:25,897 Come along, Mohammed. I'd like to show you the Benidorm Palace. 199 00:13:25,937 --> 00:13:28,497 And I can see we're not wanted here. 200 00:13:28,537 --> 00:13:30,857 Thank you, but first I must pray. 201 00:13:32,017 --> 00:13:33,777 Do you know which way is Mecca? 202 00:13:33,817 --> 00:13:38,017 Oh, don't worry about that... they have bingo on here later. 203 00:13:38,057 --> 00:13:40,057 Come on. Follow me. 204 00:13:44,137 --> 00:13:46,137 What was all that about? God knows. 205 00:14:04,617 --> 00:14:07,137 Is everything to your satisfaction, Hazel? 206 00:14:07,177 --> 00:14:09,697 Just as I thought... 21 degrees. 207 00:14:09,737 --> 00:14:14,457 An Olympic pool must be heated to a minimum of 25 to 28 degrees, 208 00:14:14,497 --> 00:14:16,977 and it'll be even colder tonight. 209 00:14:17,017 --> 00:14:20,297 Well, it'll just make them kick a bit harder, won't it? 210 00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,337 Watch your splits, Madeleine! 211 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:27,737 You need a cleaner entry, Evie. I can still see ripples. 212 00:14:27,777 --> 00:14:30,617 Ah, yes. That is because the water is cold. 213 00:14:31,777 --> 00:14:33,377 Hazel, I've been thinking. 214 00:14:33,417 --> 00:14:38,337 While we pamper you this afternoon, the girls might like to do a bit of sightseeing. 215 00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,977 They must be sick of being stuck in a pool for hours and hours. 216 00:14:42,017 --> 00:14:45,857 Out of the question. I couldn't possibly let them go out in Benidorm. 217 00:14:45,897 --> 00:14:47,577 God knows what they might pick up. 218 00:14:47,617 --> 00:14:52,297 No, no. I was thinking of Calpe or Altea... nice little Spanish towns, 219 00:14:52,337 --> 00:14:54,417 where they won't see any trouble. 220 00:14:54,457 --> 00:14:56,737 Well, anything to get them out of this slum. 221 00:14:56,777 --> 00:14:59,297 But I shall need to accompany them at all times. 222 00:14:59,337 --> 00:15:01,417 Oh, nonsense. You stay here and relax. 223 00:15:01,457 --> 00:15:05,937 I have got a member of staff who's a very able chaperone. Mateo... 224 00:15:05,977 --> 00:15:07,937 Si? Go and fetch Liam. 225 00:15:07,977 --> 00:15:09,977 I've got a job for him. Go on. 226 00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:12,977 They're very good, aren't they? 227 00:15:18,617 --> 00:15:20,337 'My dearest Troy. 228 00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:23,857 I don't think I could bear to see your face when I tell you this, 229 00:15:23,897 --> 00:15:26,897 so I'm taking the coward's way out and writing it down. 230 00:15:28,017 --> 00:15:30,737 I've been a fool and can only beg that you will... 231 00:15:33,577 --> 00:15:38,577 one day forgive me.' 232 00:15:41,537 --> 00:15:43,377 Yoo-hoo! 233 00:15:43,417 --> 00:15:45,417 Anybody home? 234 00:15:49,697 --> 00:15:51,577 Hello, love! 235 00:15:52,737 --> 00:15:54,977 Look... I found this... Oooh! 236 00:15:59,457 --> 00:16:03,977 I'm sorry. I just wanted to return this fan to you. 237 00:16:04,017 --> 00:16:06,697 I'll have you know that notepaper was laid ivory. 238 00:16:06,737 --> 00:16:08,937 It's almost one pound a sheet! 239 00:16:08,977 --> 00:16:11,137 Oh, 'eck. 240 00:16:11,897 --> 00:16:14,097 Now, please, just leave me alone. 241 00:16:14,137 --> 00:16:16,137 All right. 242 00:16:16,937 --> 00:16:18,937 I am sorry. 243 00:16:24,377 --> 00:16:26,497 'Eck! 244 00:16:26,537 --> 00:16:28,537 It's stuck. 245 00:16:44,897 --> 00:16:47,657 There you go... what did I tell you? 246 00:16:47,697 --> 00:16:50,617 Wow! I'd almost forgotten what real men look like. 247 00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:54,457 Looks like there's ten times more guys than girls, an' all. 248 00:16:58,177 --> 00:17:00,857 Thank you, darling. 249 00:17:00,897 --> 00:17:04,297 I'll just stick this wristband on you. All your drinks are included. 250 00:17:04,337 --> 00:17:06,177 Nice one. Are they named spirits? 251 00:17:06,217 --> 00:17:07,777 Well, they've got names. 252 00:17:07,817 --> 00:17:10,377 Got any Grey Goose vodka? I've got Grey Squirrel. 253 00:17:10,417 --> 00:17:12,737 Or you could have a Quack Daniels and Coke. 254 00:17:14,497 --> 00:17:18,137 You get what you pay for. Oh, yeah? What's your gin... Pork Eater? 255 00:17:18,177 --> 00:17:21,017 No, but you might be, after a few glasses of it. 256 00:17:24,297 --> 00:17:26,657 Sorry, darling. 18 to 30s only. 257 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:30,097 You what? I can't let you on if you're over 30. Company policy. 258 00:17:30,137 --> 00:17:33,777 Cheeky sod! I've got a ticket. Well, your rep should have told you. 259 00:17:33,817 --> 00:17:37,017 She is 30, anyway. Yeah, right! 260 00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:40,057 I am. I've just had a hard life. 261 00:17:40,097 --> 00:17:43,937 What year were you born, then? 1989. 262 00:17:43,977 --> 00:17:47,177 Making you, what, 23? Life's not that hard, sweetheart. 263 00:17:47,257 --> 00:17:50,657 Look... just because I'm slightly older 264 00:17:50,697 --> 00:17:54,297 doesn't mean I can't party down with the rest of the kids. 265 00:17:55,057 --> 00:17:57,297 What was the last tune you downloaded? 266 00:17:57,337 --> 00:17:59,337 It was... Spandau Ballet. 267 00:17:59,377 --> 00:18:01,737 You're not helping yourself, sweetheart! 268 00:18:01,777 --> 00:18:05,417 Oh, let her on. She's always looked ten years older than she is. 269 00:18:05,457 --> 00:18:06,937 Thanks, Queen! 270 00:18:06,977 --> 00:18:08,977 All right. Fine. We won't go. 271 00:18:09,617 --> 00:18:12,057 Thanks, mate! And if we don't get a refund, 272 00:18:12,097 --> 00:18:15,897 I won't be the only one in Benidorm with a broken arm. Ignorant tosser! 273 00:18:15,937 --> 00:18:18,657 It's all right, Sam. You go and have a good time. 274 00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:20,697 I'll catch up with you later. 275 00:18:22,377 --> 00:18:24,377 Are you sure? Yeah. I'm sure. 276 00:18:25,217 --> 00:18:27,217 See you. 277 00:18:46,657 --> 00:18:51,577 Oh, look! There's Gavin, waving! Whooo! 278 00:18:51,617 --> 00:18:55,817 Come down! You're missing the synchronised swimming! 279 00:18:55,857 --> 00:18:59,017 Ah, he's not bothered. Bless him. 280 00:18:59,657 --> 00:19:03,857 I never had him down as the sporty type, to be honest. Did you? 281 00:19:03,897 --> 00:19:08,057 Well, we can't all be blessed with an athlete's physique. 282 00:19:08,097 --> 00:19:09,937 You do a lot of sport, do you? Yes. 283 00:19:09,977 --> 00:19:15,177 We can often be found in the weightlifting suite at the Tees Valley Gym and Sauna, can't we? 284 00:19:15,217 --> 00:19:20,097 Oh, yes. Donald wipes the floor at the over-50s clean and jerk. 285 00:19:20,137 --> 00:19:23,217 And Jacqueline's snatch has to be seen to be believed. 286 00:19:23,257 --> 00:19:25,857 I don't doubt it! 287 00:19:35,737 --> 00:19:39,137 Sit down, love. You'll do yourself a mischief. 288 00:19:39,697 --> 00:19:43,457 Why is everybody ignoring me? Am I invisible or something? 289 00:19:43,497 --> 00:19:45,537 Who said that? 290 00:19:45,577 --> 00:19:47,297 Ah, got you! 291 00:19:47,337 --> 00:19:49,977 This is ridiculous. There must be something we can do. 292 00:19:50,017 --> 00:19:52,017 Just a minute. 293 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,777 Ta-da! 294 00:19:57,817 --> 00:20:00,937 What was it Jean-Paul Sartre said? 'Hell is other people.' 295 00:20:00,977 --> 00:20:04,537 Oh, I know. Good job it's just the two of us. 296 00:20:06,977 --> 00:20:08,977 Come on. Rack up. 297 00:20:11,857 --> 00:20:14,977 So, this is the lovely town of Calpe. 298 00:20:15,017 --> 00:20:17,897 This is where the local fishermen come with their fish, 299 00:20:17,937 --> 00:20:23,417 to sell to the local restaurants here, so that they can sell it to us as food. 300 00:20:25,177 --> 00:20:27,697 I don't know whether any of you have ever had crabs, 301 00:20:27,737 --> 00:20:32,697 but these are meant to be some of the nicest ones what people have ever tasted. 302 00:20:34,937 --> 00:20:39,817 Michael... There are other types of seafood here... 303 00:20:39,857 --> 00:20:45,457 in-in-including prawns, erm... little baby octopuses... 304 00:20:46,497 --> 00:20:48,577 Hey, look... they do boat trips. 305 00:20:54,377 --> 00:20:57,377 It's no good... I can't think of anything to say. 306 00:20:57,417 --> 00:20:59,577 Ah, you're doing really well. Am I? 307 00:20:59,617 --> 00:21:06,217 Yeah. Well, they haven't paid, so what are they gonna do... ask for their money back? 308 00:21:06,257 --> 00:21:08,977 Girls? No, girls! 309 00:21:12,617 --> 00:21:14,737 This isn't on the itinerary. 310 00:21:14,777 --> 00:21:17,297 Yeah, I know. We're going off piste. 311 00:21:17,337 --> 00:21:19,097 Come on... it'll be a laugh. 312 00:21:19,137 --> 00:21:23,377 I don't know. Excuse me. Do you actually go out to sea? 313 00:21:23,417 --> 00:21:27,137 No. No, we go inland from here, up the hills, near Altea! 314 00:21:27,177 --> 00:21:29,777 Oh, well, I don't think that... I'm taking the piss, mate. 315 00:21:29,817 --> 00:21:32,777 We go out by the rock, four hours, all-inclusive. 316 00:21:32,817 --> 00:21:34,777 Do you actually provide refreshments? 317 00:21:34,817 --> 00:21:37,977 45 euros, all in. You'll not leave thirsty... I'll promise you that. 318 00:21:38,017 --> 00:21:40,497 There's eight of us... is that all right? 319 00:21:40,537 --> 00:21:43,417 Oh, that's the best kind of party! Welcome aboard. 320 00:21:44,497 --> 00:21:46,457 In you go, sweetheart. 321 00:21:46,497 --> 00:21:49,257 Whoa! 18 to 30s, son. 322 00:21:49,297 --> 00:21:51,217 I am 18. 323 00:21:51,257 --> 00:21:57,097 Date of birth? 13th of May, 19...72. 324 00:21:58,297 --> 00:22:00,537 I bet your maths teacher's a bit shit, isn't she? 325 00:22:00,577 --> 00:22:05,137 Ah, yeah, she's proper strict... she makes us do fractions and... 326 00:22:05,177 --> 00:22:06,737 Oh, er... 327 00:22:06,777 --> 00:22:08,737 Sorry, son. 328 00:22:10,737 --> 00:22:14,137 I can't really leave the girls on their own, so... 329 00:22:14,177 --> 00:22:17,257 Will you be all right here for four hours, or do you want to go back? 330 00:22:17,297 --> 00:22:19,577 Pssst! Eh? 331 00:22:20,057 --> 00:22:24,177 I'll get him on the boat... don't you worry. I've got a plan. 332 00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:26,697 I'm not sure... Come on. 333 00:22:27,457 --> 00:22:30,337 Michael? I forbid you, Michael... 334 00:22:32,097 --> 00:22:34,097 Well, be careful! 335 00:22:37,017 --> 00:22:39,257 Wristband! Yeah, OK. 336 00:22:39,297 --> 00:22:41,297 Take it. OK! 337 00:22:41,937 --> 00:22:44,297 Where are those cleaners when you need them? 338 00:22:44,337 --> 00:22:46,737 They poke their noses in when it's not convenient, 339 00:22:46,777 --> 00:22:51,057 but when they could finally be of some use, they're harder to get hold of than a greased pig. 340 00:22:51,097 --> 00:22:54,177 Oh, that reminds me. I could ring our Geoff. 341 00:22:54,217 --> 00:22:57,137 But... if you've had a phone all this time, 342 00:22:57,177 --> 00:23:00,297 why didn't you call the hotel and get them to send somebody up? 343 00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:03,777 I haven't got very much battery left, 344 00:23:03,817 --> 00:23:09,297 and besides, it costs a fortune to ring Spain on an English mobile. 345 00:23:09,337 --> 00:23:11,377 But you're... you're...! 346 00:23:11,417 --> 00:23:15,257 Hello, Geoff. It's me, your mother. 347 00:23:16,497 --> 00:23:19,057 I'm very good. How are you, son? 348 00:23:19,977 --> 00:23:24,657 Oh, congratulations! 349 00:23:24,697 --> 00:23:27,417 He's guessed the Countdown Conundrum. 350 00:23:27,857 --> 00:23:32,297 Now, listen. I'm going to say this very quickly, 351 00:23:32,337 --> 00:23:35,577 because I haven't got much time. 352 00:23:35,617 --> 00:23:40,137 I'm sitting here on a balcony with Gavin. 353 00:23:40,177 --> 00:23:48,097 He's one of that nice couple that helped me do YMCA at your coming-out party. 354 00:23:48,137 --> 00:23:50,377 Remember? 355 00:23:50,417 --> 00:23:53,657 Oh, I don't know. I'll ask him. 356 00:23:53,697 --> 00:23:56,377 Are you the fat one or the thin one? 357 00:23:56,417 --> 00:23:58,577 I was formerly the fat one, but as you can see... 358 00:23:58,617 --> 00:24:01,457 Yes, the fat one. 359 00:24:01,497 --> 00:24:07,297 Well, anyway, you'll never believe what happened to us last night. 360 00:24:07,337 --> 00:24:14,177 We sent for a taxi, we got in and we fastened our seatbelts... 361 00:24:15,417 --> 00:24:19,257 I can't go any faster... he'll think I'm having a stroke. 362 00:24:19,297 --> 00:24:21,297 Just give me that. 363 00:24:22,577 --> 00:24:24,457 Hello? 364 00:24:24,497 --> 00:24:26,697 Could you please... Hello? 365 00:24:29,297 --> 00:24:31,177 The battery's gone dead. 366 00:24:31,217 --> 00:24:32,537 Oh, blither. 367 00:24:32,577 --> 00:24:36,737 I wanted to know if Deirdre had had her highlights done. 368 00:24:39,377 --> 00:24:42,297 What did you do that for? 369 00:24:42,337 --> 00:24:45,057 I was just going to charge it up. 370 00:25:05,857 --> 00:25:07,617 Where's our Michael got to? 371 00:25:07,657 --> 00:25:09,977 Dunno. He said he was going out with that Liam. 372 00:25:10,017 --> 00:25:12,217 I don't like not knowing where he is. 373 00:25:12,257 --> 00:25:15,337 Text him and tell him we're going up. He's not even had his dinner. 374 00:25:15,377 --> 00:25:18,377 Oh, Jan, you've got to give him a bit of space. 375 00:25:18,417 --> 00:25:21,377 He's a teenager now... he won't want to be with us all the time. 376 00:25:21,417 --> 00:25:23,337 It was exactly the same with Chantelle. 377 00:25:23,377 --> 00:25:25,337 One minute it was, 'Can you plait my hair?' 378 00:25:25,377 --> 00:25:29,257 The next it's, 'Can I get a tattoo? Oh, and by the way, I'm pregnant.' 379 00:25:30,337 --> 00:25:33,537 I wish I could get a tattoo. No, you'll regret it when you're older. 380 00:25:33,577 --> 00:25:36,337 I am older! You never let me do anything. 381 00:25:36,377 --> 00:25:38,377 Oh, shut up. 382 00:25:39,657 --> 00:25:41,657 Come on! 383 00:25:43,577 --> 00:25:45,497 What's the matter? It never comes. 384 00:25:45,537 --> 00:25:48,057 What's the matter with you? Nothing! 385 00:25:54,457 --> 00:25:57,897 A couple of years ago there were seven of us on this holiday. 386 00:25:57,937 --> 00:26:02,617 Now Chantelle and Coolio have moved out, Mel's gone, Michael's growing up... 387 00:26:02,657 --> 00:26:07,497 Well, that's just life. It's not a personal vendetta against you. 388 00:26:07,537 --> 00:26:12,017 I know, but I just don't know what there's left for me to do. 389 00:26:12,657 --> 00:26:14,377 I'm scared I'll turn into my mother. 390 00:26:14,417 --> 00:26:16,737 You're scared? I'm bloody petrified. 391 00:26:16,777 --> 00:26:18,937 Just text him for me. Tell him to come home. 392 00:26:18,977 --> 00:26:21,657 I've already done it. 393 00:26:21,697 --> 00:26:24,777 I do love you, Mick Garvey. Yeah, yeah, come on. 394 00:26:24,817 --> 00:26:26,337 Let's get up to the room. 395 00:26:26,377 --> 00:26:29,137 I'll give you some tips on how you can spend the next 25 years. 396 00:26:29,177 --> 00:26:32,057 The next 25 minutes, you mean. 25 minutes? 397 00:26:32,097 --> 00:26:34,097 It's not your bloody birthday. 398 00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:03,297 Is it possible for the refreshments to be served soon? 399 00:27:03,337 --> 00:27:05,897 All right. Steady on. We've only just set off. 400 00:27:05,937 --> 00:27:09,377 It's just that my girls are getting dehydrated. 401 00:27:09,417 --> 00:27:13,697 Your girls, eh? What are you... the pimp out of Taxi Driver? 402 00:27:13,737 --> 00:27:16,337 Am I gonna have to go all Robert de Niro on you? 403 00:27:16,377 --> 00:27:18,377 Sorry? Are you talking to me? 404 00:27:19,777 --> 00:27:21,937 Yeah. Very funny. 405 00:27:21,977 --> 00:27:25,017 Nah, don't worry, Snoop Dogg. I'll have your girls hydrated. 406 00:27:25,057 --> 00:27:26,937 Oh, thanks. What are they? 407 00:27:26,977 --> 00:27:28,617 These are called Leg Openers. 408 00:27:28,657 --> 00:27:33,457 Couple of these, and they'll be on the deck, ankles in the air, faster than you can say 'man the lifeboats.' 409 00:27:33,497 --> 00:27:37,897 Well, that's perfect, cos they need to keep their legs up... that's their job. 410 00:27:37,937 --> 00:27:40,697 Course it is, sunshine. Course it is. 411 00:27:42,777 --> 00:27:44,777 Lovely, Carmen. 412 00:27:47,177 --> 00:27:49,897 I thought she had a touch phobia. 413 00:27:50,617 --> 00:27:52,937 Depends who's touching her, obviously. 414 00:27:54,017 --> 00:27:59,177 If this event goes well tonight, we'll be one step closer to that fourth star. 415 00:27:59,217 --> 00:28:01,217 That'll be my gold medal, 416 00:28:01,257 --> 00:28:04,617 and I'll be able to pass this torch on to somebody else. 417 00:28:04,657 --> 00:28:06,977 Fingers crossed, then. 418 00:28:07,017 --> 00:28:11,497 Mateo, is that the Prosecco for tonight? 419 00:28:11,537 --> 00:28:13,857 Si. I take outside. 420 00:28:13,897 --> 00:28:16,017 You're not still sulking, are you? 421 00:28:16,057 --> 00:28:17,977 Yes. Is unfair. 422 00:28:18,017 --> 00:28:22,217 I am senior to Liam, yet he gets to go out with the chicas, while I am here humping boxes. 423 00:28:22,257 --> 00:28:24,097 I can hardly let you go with them. 424 00:28:24,137 --> 00:28:27,617 It'd be like putting a mongoose in charge of a whole load of chickens. 425 00:28:27,657 --> 00:28:30,737 At least with Liam, I know they'll stay out of trouble. 426 00:28:56,377 --> 00:29:00,617 Here. This one's called a Smurf's Cock... I think cos it's blue. 427 00:29:00,657 --> 00:29:04,257 Well, it's the best offer I've had since I've been here. Cheers. 428 00:29:07,217 --> 00:29:09,857 Funny we should bump into each other out here, isn't it? 429 00:29:09,897 --> 00:29:15,737 'Of all the parties on all the boats in all the world, you happened to walk into this one.' 430 00:29:15,777 --> 00:29:17,777 I used to love Crackerjack. 431 00:29:19,537 --> 00:29:23,857 Oh, yeah, and thanks for bringing a load of teenage Olympic athletes with you an' all. 432 00:29:23,897 --> 00:29:25,497 That's really helped me out! 433 00:29:31,137 --> 00:29:33,697 So, you've not pulled, then? Nah. 434 00:29:33,737 --> 00:29:36,217 They're all self-indulgent tossers. 435 00:29:36,257 --> 00:29:41,817 Besides, it's quite hard selling yourself as a sexy playmate when your arm's encased in plaster. 436 00:29:41,857 --> 00:29:46,217 It marks you out as being different, and most men don't want 'different'. 437 00:29:46,257 --> 00:29:48,017 They want clones. 438 00:29:48,057 --> 00:29:50,977 And what about you? What do you want? 439 00:29:51,017 --> 00:29:55,217 I want a Nintendo 3DS, but my dad keeps telling me to look at my old Nintendo and squint. 440 00:29:55,257 --> 00:29:57,417 I mean, what do you want in a girl? 441 00:29:57,457 --> 00:30:00,617 Dunno. Someone funny... 442 00:30:01,857 --> 00:30:04,817 and vivacious. 443 00:30:04,857 --> 00:30:06,857 Someone different. 444 00:30:11,217 --> 00:30:14,377 I hope Michael's all right. I wonder where he is. 445 00:30:14,417 --> 00:30:16,897 Don't fret. Trudy'll look after him. 446 00:30:16,937 --> 00:30:19,337 I can smell something fishy. 447 00:30:19,377 --> 00:30:22,617 That might be me... it's dead hot under here. 448 00:30:22,657 --> 00:30:25,577 Let's go and have a look... I'm gasping for a bevvy. 449 00:30:25,617 --> 00:30:30,257 Come on, Benidorm... let's get this party started! 450 00:30:38,377 --> 00:30:41,497 Do you think we may have got on the wrong boat? 451 00:30:41,537 --> 00:30:43,537 Is this a party? 452 00:30:45,897 --> 00:30:49,777 Yeah, I think it's safe to say we got on the wrong boat. 453 00:30:51,457 --> 00:30:53,457 When do you go back? 454 00:30:54,097 --> 00:30:56,497 How many hours? 455 00:30:56,537 --> 00:30:58,217 Ah, dos. 456 00:30:58,257 --> 00:31:00,137 Oh, we'll be back in a couple of hours. 457 00:31:00,177 --> 00:31:03,257 No, dos dias. Dias. 458 00:31:03,857 --> 00:31:05,857 Two days! 459 00:31:05,897 --> 00:31:07,897 My mam's gonna kill me. 460 00:31:08,817 --> 00:31:12,417 Is there no other way to get back to Benidorm? 461 00:31:17,137 --> 00:31:19,017 Oh, crap. 462 00:31:19,057 --> 00:31:21,977 Michael... row the boat ashore. 463 00:31:32,977 --> 00:31:34,937 There... I've just had a text off Michael. 464 00:31:34,977 --> 00:31:37,137 What does it say? 'Gone fishing.' 465 00:31:37,177 --> 00:31:40,497 Fishing? I'm having words with that Liam when they get back. 466 00:31:40,537 --> 00:31:43,657 And where's my mother? She's been gone all afternoon an' all. 467 00:31:43,697 --> 00:31:46,017 Probably gone with Mohammed to join the Taliban. 468 00:31:46,057 --> 00:31:49,177 Don't be ridiculous! There's no way my mother would... 469 00:31:51,457 --> 00:31:54,777 Oh, my god! Oh, Janice, is that you? 470 00:31:54,817 --> 00:31:58,857 Do us a favour and light my ciggy, will you? I can't see a bloody thing. 471 00:32:00,177 --> 00:32:02,177 Mother, what are you playing at? 472 00:32:03,457 --> 00:32:05,377 Mohammed bought it for me. 473 00:32:05,417 --> 00:32:07,537 It's a traditional Muslim dress. 474 00:32:07,577 --> 00:32:10,817 I know that, but what do you want to wear it for? 475 00:32:10,857 --> 00:32:12,857 Cos we're getting married. 476 00:32:19,737 --> 00:32:22,737 Oh, Donald, doesn't it look fabulous? 477 00:32:22,777 --> 00:32:24,377 Absolutely. 478 00:32:24,417 --> 00:32:27,457 The management have certainly pulled out all the stops. 479 00:32:27,497 --> 00:32:29,497 And what a spread! Look. 480 00:32:29,537 --> 00:32:35,857 Chinese, Indian, Spanish. I don't know what to go for first! 481 00:32:35,897 --> 00:32:38,657 Mmm, and the food's not bad, either. 482 00:32:45,377 --> 00:32:47,817 We should be paid extra for this. Tell me about it! 483 00:32:47,857 --> 00:32:50,257 I feel a right prat, dressed like this. 484 00:32:50,297 --> 00:32:55,577 You're all right... you look a bobby dazzler. Look at me... I look like a flippin' snooker referee. 485 00:32:57,497 --> 00:33:00,977 Are these alcoholic? Yeah, that's a mixture of creme de cassis... 486 00:33:04,937 --> 00:33:08,417 Bloody hell! She's on a mission. I know. She's had a difficult day. 487 00:33:08,457 --> 00:33:11,457 Ah, well, you just make sure she doesn't get into any mischief. 488 00:33:11,497 --> 00:33:13,497 I will. 489 00:33:16,697 --> 00:33:20,897 Oi, you! Where's our Michael? I thought you were looking after him. 490 00:33:20,937 --> 00:33:23,417 Oh, he's here. He's just gone up to get changed. 491 00:33:23,457 --> 00:33:25,217 We got separated. 492 00:33:25,257 --> 00:33:29,737 Well, he'd better not be pissed again, or I'll separate you from your balls. 493 00:33:33,577 --> 00:33:35,177 Mateo... 494 00:33:35,217 --> 00:33:37,937 Oh, yes, we're hoping to have regular functions, 495 00:33:37,977 --> 00:33:41,817 where we can attract a higher calibre of clientele. 496 00:33:42,497 --> 00:33:45,777 Of course, being three-star doesn't help, 497 00:33:45,817 --> 00:33:50,897 but as tonight demonstrates, we are amply able to deliver a four-star service. 498 00:34:01,417 --> 00:34:04,897 Come on, Carmen. Grab a couple of melon balls and do as I do. 499 00:34:08,577 --> 00:34:10,577 Lovely, Carmen. 500 00:34:14,657 --> 00:34:18,857 Here you are. I don't know what they are, but they're free. 501 00:34:18,897 --> 00:34:21,617 Oh, there's all leaves in mine! 502 00:34:21,657 --> 00:34:24,257 You see, that's why I hate drinking outside. 503 00:34:24,297 --> 00:34:27,497 You end up swallowing all sorts of muck. 504 00:34:27,537 --> 00:34:29,777 That won't be a problem once you've converted. 505 00:34:29,817 --> 00:34:34,177 One sip of any booze and they'll chop your hands off faster than you can say 'simsalabim'. 506 00:34:34,217 --> 00:34:36,537 Mick! 507 00:34:36,577 --> 00:34:40,617 Right, then, Mother. Come on. You promised us an explanation, so let's hear it. 508 00:34:40,657 --> 00:34:43,737 All right. Don't get your knickers in a twist. 509 00:34:43,777 --> 00:34:48,177 You've known him less than 48 hours. How can you have agreed to marry him? 510 00:34:48,897 --> 00:34:51,697 It's a marriage of convenience. 511 00:34:51,737 --> 00:34:55,337 As you know, Mel was doing a bit of business with Mohammed's dad. 512 00:34:55,377 --> 00:34:57,977 Mohammed Mohammed. What? Never mind. 513 00:34:58,017 --> 00:35:01,737 Well, apparently, Mel was speaking to him just before he died, 514 00:35:01,777 --> 00:35:06,137 about buying a hacienda just outside Marrakesh. 515 00:35:06,177 --> 00:35:08,977 What would Mel want with a nightclub in Morocco? 516 00:35:09,017 --> 00:35:12,057 It's not a nightclub. A hacienda's like a big estate. 517 00:35:12,097 --> 00:35:14,097 12 acres. 518 00:35:14,137 --> 00:35:21,417 They agreed on a price, and Mel arranged to pay a deposit of 650,000 dirhams. 519 00:35:21,457 --> 00:35:24,297 Oh, aye, and what's that in proper money? A tenner? 520 00:35:24,337 --> 00:35:26,537 It's about 50 grand. 521 00:35:27,217 --> 00:35:32,897 And the money has been sitting in a high-interest account in Rabat ever since. 522 00:35:32,937 --> 00:35:34,617 Bloody hell! 523 00:35:34,657 --> 00:35:39,817 Mel didn't want to put it in his own name, because, otherwise, the bailiffs would have been after it, 524 00:35:39,857 --> 00:35:44,257 so Mr Mohammed suggested putting it into his son's name. 525 00:35:44,297 --> 00:35:47,017 Mohammed. Mohammed Mohammed. 526 00:35:47,057 --> 00:35:51,417 He wants to give me the money back. Only, there's so many legal loopholes, 527 00:35:51,457 --> 00:35:54,777 we could be waiting years for them to sort it out. 528 00:35:54,817 --> 00:35:56,737 So he offered to marry you. 529 00:35:56,777 --> 00:35:58,857 Once we have the same name, 530 00:35:58,897 --> 00:36:02,457 he can move the money over, no questions asked. 531 00:36:02,497 --> 00:36:05,737 Quick divorce, and we're back in business. 532 00:36:06,697 --> 00:36:09,097 It's a miracle! It's a bloody miracle! 533 00:36:09,137 --> 00:36:11,657 I told you something would turn up, didn't I? 534 00:36:11,697 --> 00:36:14,937 I dunno. It all sounds too good to be true to me. 535 00:36:14,977 --> 00:36:16,897 What's he talking about? 536 00:36:16,937 --> 00:36:20,657 That's my money, you know. It's not a frigging free-for-all! 537 00:36:22,577 --> 00:36:25,617 Hello? Hello? Oh, thank you, thank you. 538 00:36:25,657 --> 00:36:30,777 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Buenas noches. 539 00:36:30,817 --> 00:36:36,457 This is Joyce Temple-Savage welcoming you to the Gala Olympic Celebration. 540 00:36:36,497 --> 00:36:39,577 Now, we do have for entertainment 541 00:36:39,617 --> 00:36:44,737 the British Olympic Synchronised Swimming team. Yes! 542 00:36:45,497 --> 00:36:51,537 But before that, because we always go for Gold here at the Solana, 543 00:36:51,577 --> 00:36:55,057 please welcome our very own Asa Elliot! 544 00:37:03,537 --> 00:37:08,337 ♪ Gold... always believe in your soul ♪ 545 00:37:08,377 --> 00:37:10,977 ♪ You've got the power to know ♪ 546 00:37:11,017 --> 00:37:13,337 ♪ You're indestructible ♪ 547 00:37:13,377 --> 00:37:15,777 ♪ Always believing ♪ 548 00:37:15,817 --> 00:37:18,297 ♪ Cos you are gold ♪ 549 00:37:18,337 --> 00:37:21,537 So... I'm a woman. 550 00:37:21,577 --> 00:37:24,777 I'm British. I'm a public figure. 551 00:37:25,777 --> 00:37:29,257 I'm not a singer. I'm not an actress. 552 00:37:30,097 --> 00:37:34,457 I'm not a newsreader. I'm not a dancer. 553 00:37:36,017 --> 00:37:39,257 But I am a former Prime Minister? 554 00:37:40,577 --> 00:37:46,497 I believe we've established that over the past...90 minutes, yes. 555 00:37:46,537 --> 00:37:48,537 Erm... 556 00:37:51,257 --> 00:37:54,377 It's no use... you're going to have to give me a clue. 557 00:37:55,497 --> 00:37:57,497 Er... 558 00:37:58,097 --> 00:38:01,017 'You turn if you want to. 559 00:38:01,057 --> 00:38:04,217 The lady's not for turning.' 560 00:38:04,937 --> 00:38:07,497 Martina Ratnavalova! 561 00:38:07,537 --> 00:38:10,337 No! You're Margaret Thatcher! 562 00:38:11,217 --> 00:38:14,177 All right? Margaret Thatcher! 563 00:38:14,217 --> 00:38:16,257 Of course! 564 00:38:16,297 --> 00:38:21,017 I should have asked: did I ever wear a fuchsia two-piece with pearls 565 00:38:21,057 --> 00:38:23,937 and a Ferragamo court shoe? 566 00:38:23,977 --> 00:38:27,457 Wait a minute. My second question was: 567 00:38:27,497 --> 00:38:29,937 'Do I work in the music industry?' 568 00:38:29,977 --> 00:38:31,817 And you said 'no'. 569 00:38:31,857 --> 00:38:34,217 Well, she doesn't. 570 00:38:34,257 --> 00:38:38,457 Oh, you're thinking of the other Tina Turner. 571 00:38:38,497 --> 00:38:40,817 The other Tina Turner? 572 00:38:40,857 --> 00:38:45,857 Yes. I was thinking of the one that works in the Co-Op at Wythenshawe. 573 00:38:46,817 --> 00:38:52,977 She's a real character, is Tina. You should meet her. 574 00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:57,057 Yes, I should, and then perhaps I'd have a chance of guessing who she is 575 00:38:57,097 --> 00:38:59,617 in this stupid bloody game! 576 00:39:01,897 --> 00:39:05,137 I think you're a little bit upset, aren't you? 577 00:39:05,977 --> 00:39:10,257 Have you fallen out with your friend? A lover's tiff? 578 00:39:10,297 --> 00:39:12,377 None of your business. 579 00:39:12,417 --> 00:39:16,097 Well, we all do daft things from time to time. 580 00:39:17,417 --> 00:39:22,497 I remember when our Pauline rang me while I was doing the ironing. 581 00:39:23,137 --> 00:39:27,297 Oh, I nearly took my ear off. 582 00:39:28,217 --> 00:39:31,617 But whenever I got myself into a state, 583 00:39:31,657 --> 00:39:34,737 Ron would say to me, 'Noggin...' 584 00:39:34,777 --> 00:39:37,097 cos that's what he called me. 585 00:39:37,137 --> 00:39:42,137 'Noggin, there's no point you saying sorry to me, 586 00:39:42,177 --> 00:39:44,737 until you've forgiven yourself. 587 00:39:45,737 --> 00:39:50,177 Remember: to err is human, to forgive divine.' 588 00:39:51,177 --> 00:39:57,777 To err is human, to forgive... divine. 589 00:39:59,897 --> 00:40:01,897 Thank you. 590 00:40:03,217 --> 00:40:07,537 Of course, I didn't know who this Divine woman was, 591 00:40:07,577 --> 00:40:09,577 but I forgave her, anyway. 592 00:40:13,457 --> 00:40:16,257 Ah, Hazel. Asa's just got a couple of numbers, 593 00:40:16,297 --> 00:40:19,177 and we'll be ready for your girls in 15 minutes... all right? 594 00:40:19,217 --> 00:40:22,217 No, it is most certainly not all right. Look! 595 00:40:26,297 --> 00:40:31,017 What's wrong with them? They are inebriated... that's what. 596 00:40:31,057 --> 00:40:33,817 It seems the oafish handyman you sent them out with 597 00:40:33,857 --> 00:40:38,057 saw fit to coerce them onto a party boat and ply them with alcohol. 598 00:40:38,097 --> 00:40:40,457 Can they still do their aerobics, though? 599 00:40:40,497 --> 00:40:44,097 I beg your pardon? I mean that water-dancing thingy. 600 00:40:44,137 --> 00:40:46,137 We've got fireworks and everything! 601 00:40:46,177 --> 00:40:48,257 I arrived with six Olympic athletes 602 00:40:48,297 --> 00:40:52,577 and I'm leaving with a gaggle of drunkards reeking of vomit and tequila. 603 00:40:52,617 --> 00:40:54,257 Welcome to Benidorm. 604 00:40:54,297 --> 00:40:57,777 Why don't they just get in the water and have a splash about? 605 00:40:57,817 --> 00:41:02,137 We can announce it as a paralympic team... this lot'll not even know the difference. 606 00:41:02,177 --> 00:41:05,417 How dare you? That is deeply, deeply insulting! 607 00:41:05,457 --> 00:41:08,737 Well, I mean... 608 00:41:08,777 --> 00:41:10,977 Girls, out now! 609 00:41:11,017 --> 00:41:16,417 Get out of the pool! You're not fit to be in the water! 610 00:41:16,457 --> 00:41:18,897 Oh, no! It's a disaster! 611 00:41:18,937 --> 00:41:21,297 I'm going to be a laughing stock. 612 00:41:21,337 --> 00:41:24,297 Leave this to me, pet. Mateo, follow me. 613 00:41:25,897 --> 00:41:27,897 Kenneth! 614 00:41:36,817 --> 00:41:39,057 Sam? What's going on? 615 00:41:39,097 --> 00:41:41,457 What the hell are you doing? 616 00:41:41,497 --> 00:41:45,417 I'm drunk. I'm desperate. He was standing in front of me. OK? 617 00:41:45,457 --> 00:41:48,057 This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. 618 00:41:48,097 --> 00:41:50,977 What happened to you, anyway? Been on t'pull? 619 00:41:51,017 --> 00:41:54,017 Yeah, I pulled this. 620 00:41:54,777 --> 00:41:57,377 Is that a red snapper? 'Ey! 621 00:41:57,417 --> 00:41:59,097 Her name's Trudy. 622 00:42:03,617 --> 00:42:07,577 So, are these what they call the chains of office? 623 00:42:07,617 --> 00:42:10,297 Only, we've got some chains in our room, 624 00:42:10,337 --> 00:42:12,977 but they're not quite as fancy as that. 625 00:42:13,017 --> 00:42:15,097 I think I see Troy in the bushes. 626 00:42:15,137 --> 00:42:18,897 Ooh, having a bit of a secret tryst, are they? 627 00:42:18,937 --> 00:42:23,177 That's what I love about the gays... they'll do it anywhere! 628 00:42:23,217 --> 00:42:25,097 No, it's a photo... look. 629 00:42:25,137 --> 00:42:28,417 Probably blew down off Gavin's balcony. 630 00:42:28,457 --> 00:42:33,137 Let's go up and return it to him. See if we can't entice him down to join in the fun. 631 00:42:33,177 --> 00:42:34,937 Yes, good idea. 632 00:42:34,977 --> 00:42:38,897 Don't go away, cos I'll be back in a jiffy. 633 00:42:38,937 --> 00:42:42,897 Here... have some of this and loosen up a bit. 634 00:42:45,617 --> 00:42:47,617 ♪ Gold ♪ 635 00:42:49,857 --> 00:42:55,417 Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Asa Elliot singing Gold. 636 00:42:55,457 --> 00:43:00,937 Erm... I'm afraid there's been a slight change to the published schedule, 637 00:43:00,977 --> 00:43:06,217 in that the synchronised-swimming display has had to be cancelled. 638 00:43:06,257 --> 00:43:09,857 I'm sorry. So, if you'd like to make your way to the exits, 639 00:43:09,897 --> 00:43:11,977 which you'll find located here... 640 00:43:12,017 --> 00:43:13,697 Hang on! Hang on! 641 00:43:13,737 --> 00:43:15,737 What? 642 00:43:24,737 --> 00:43:30,057 It might not be Esther Williams, but we're gonna try and put a show on for you. 643 00:43:36,417 --> 00:43:40,257 Stop fiddling with your bits and dive in. It's uncomfortable. 644 00:43:40,297 --> 00:43:42,737 Oh, I see you tucked yours between your legs. 645 00:43:42,777 --> 00:43:44,777 No, I haven't, you cheeky bastard! 646 00:43:46,977 --> 00:43:48,977 Tom Daley, eat your heart out! 647 00:43:59,817 --> 00:44:01,817 Oh, my God! That's my dad! 648 00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:05,057 Hey! Pool party! What? 649 00:44:08,297 --> 00:44:10,017 Sam! What are you... 650 00:44:10,057 --> 00:44:13,457 Oh, sod it. You're only young once. 651 00:44:34,497 --> 00:44:37,457 There you are! Where have you been all this time? 652 00:44:37,497 --> 00:44:39,657 I've been out. I sent you a text. 653 00:44:39,697 --> 00:44:42,657 A text? I'm your mother, not one of your friends. 654 00:44:42,697 --> 00:44:44,777 Tell me about it. 655 00:44:44,817 --> 00:44:46,857 Did you have a good time, son? Yeah. 656 00:44:46,897 --> 00:44:48,497 Why the long face, then? 657 00:44:48,537 --> 00:44:51,777 Well, I want to jump in the pool, but my mam's not gonna let me. 658 00:44:51,817 --> 00:44:53,817 No, she's not. 659 00:44:55,217 --> 00:44:57,457 I'm gonna throw you in! 660 00:44:58,737 --> 00:45:01,577 Come on, then. One, two, three! 661 00:45:14,857 --> 00:45:16,937 Hermione, Madeleine... out now! 662 00:45:16,977 --> 00:45:20,737 You're a disgrace to your sport and a disgrace to your country! 663 00:45:22,577 --> 00:45:24,577 Oh, I'm so sorry. 664 00:46:04,097 --> 00:46:07,217 Hello, Gavin! It's just us. 665 00:46:07,257 --> 00:46:09,257 We've found something of yours... 666 00:46:10,497 --> 00:46:13,497 Oh, he's with Noreen... look. 667 00:46:15,137 --> 00:46:18,977 Shall we join them? No, best leave them to it and get back downstairs. 668 00:46:19,017 --> 00:46:22,777 I think what this pool party needs is a bit of skinny dipping! 669 00:46:22,817 --> 00:46:24,897 Oh, yes!