1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,337 (STEVIE READING) 2 00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,010 DAVID: This was a good choice. 3 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,053 Yep. 4 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,764 -We make good choices. -Mm-hmm. 5 00:00:13,806 --> 00:00:15,808 This was a really healthy choice. 6 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,185 (INHALES) 7 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:19,979 Well, I'm gonna go to work now. 8 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,021 Okay. 9 00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:25,275 Which is where I should've been 15 minutes ago. 10 00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:26,318 Mm-hmm. 11 00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,864 JOHNNY: Stevie? 12 00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:31,072 Oh, Stevie! 13 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,452 -What? -It's your dad. 14 00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:36,829 He saw me. 15 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,580 Fuck! 16 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:41,416 It's the towels again, we need towels! 17 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:44,085 Your dad can't know about this. 18 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,337 -(SIGHS) -(KNOCK ON DOOR) 19 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,673 It's humiliating for me. 20 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:51,468 Stevie, is this where you keep the towels? If it is, I'd love a key! 21 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,136 Okay. 22 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:55,138 Here you go. 23 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,933 Okay, this is a face cloth, and a bath mat. 24 00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,519 Oh! Uh... 25 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,146 I will get you some towels and I will bring them to your room. 26 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,983 Oh, I'd love to take them with me, I need them now. 27 00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,234 STEVIE: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 28 00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:08,986 I will deliver them to your room. 29 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:11,238 (SOFTLY) Stevie. 30 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,114 Is everything okay? 31 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:15,910 -(SOFTLY) Stevie. -Yes, I'm just a little tied up right now. 32 00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:18,328 -(WHISPERING) Is anyone in there? -What? No. 33 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:21,415 Are you in danger? Blink, if you're in danger. 34 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,791 (SOFTLY) Stevie. 35 00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:25,168 That's really not necessary. 36 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:28,547 (LOUDLY) Okay, well, I'm going back to my room now! 37 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,965 (SOFTLY) And I'm gonna call the police. 38 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,800 No, Mr Rose, please don't call the police. 39 00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:35,178 DAVID: Dad, please, just take the towels and go! 40 00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:40,559 Oh. 41 00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:43,270 Well, I, uh... 42 00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,480 I've got everything I need. 43 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,400 Good seeing you both. 44 00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:00,412 Um, what happened with... 45 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,914 Stop! 46 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,665 -What... -You said... 47 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:04,792 -Okay. What happened... -Something... 48 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,334 You slept with Stevie. 49 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,879 I... What, did Dad tell the whole motel? 50 00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:11,423 Well, no, but I heard through the wall, 51 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,217 'cause he was doing his high-pitched voice. 52 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,971 So, was it cute for you, or what? 53 00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:20,099 It was fine. It was... It was weird. It was good. 54 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,182 -Love that. -It was good but weird. 55 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:22,476 I love that! 56 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:25,896 Um, okay, so I have to tell you this. 57 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:29,357 Um, Ted wants to meet my friends, 58 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,986 so I think it's getting kind of serious. 59 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,194 It's been two weeks. 60 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,196 I know. 61 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,741 What's your point, David? 62 00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:39,827 Ugh! So, anyway, (SCOFFS) 63 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,162 we're throwing a party at his place tonight, 64 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:44,414 so I would say be there around, like, 7:00. 65 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,875 That's presumptuous. What if I have plans? 66 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:48,585 That's so cute. Bring Stevie. 67 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,504 No, I'm not bringing Stevie. It's not a good time. 68 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:53,172 -I'm gonna let the dust settle on that... -Well, okay, but 69 00:02:53,214 --> 00:02:55,634 Ted's already getting groceries, and I may... 70 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,552 I already invited her. 71 00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:00,221 So, it's gonna be fun! David! It's gonna be so much fun! 72 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,307 Children, children. 73 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,559 Your father and I have something to discuss. 74 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:05,853 I'm really busy right now, though. 75 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,562 ALEXIS: I can't right now, I don't have time. 76 00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:10,649 We understand you have found some local friends 77 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,234 with whom to spend time with. 78 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,403 -Oh, my God. -Okay, I can't deal with this right now. 79 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:17,572 -And that's fine! -JOHNNY: But (SIGHS) 80 00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:21,451 we do have to be careful with our hearts and our parts. 81 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:25,080 Because a podunk baby out of wedlock 82 00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,666 -is not something your father and I can afford -(SIGHS) 83 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,044 -to negotiate at this moment. -(ALEXIS SCOFFS) 84 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:33,881 Well, that's crazy, because all I want to negotiate right now 85 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,757 is some podunk baby out of wedlock! 86 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:37,176 -(LAUGHING) -DAVID: So... 87 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,053 Okay, hi. Hi. 88 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:41,680 I don't wanna sound negative about this at all, 89 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:45,100 but I think that you two really, actually need to consider, um, 90 00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:47,477 the idea of, um, 91 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:48,979 -getting a life. -(TITTERS) 92 00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:51,773 Alexis, I would not concern yourself with your mother and me, 93 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,442 because we have a flourishing social life here. 94 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:57,738 Uh, walking over to the cafe and ordering a tuna melt 95 00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:00,281 is hardly what I would call a "flourishing social life." 96 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,450 -Oh, that's funny. That's funny. -Yeah. 97 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:06,287 You're just... It's just that you're so involved in our lives right now, 98 00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:09,541 and that was fine when we were child actors for a little bit. 99 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,710 But now David and I are grown-up adults, 100 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,337 and we're just feeling very like, um... 101 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:15,756 -Suffocated. -ALEXIS: Suffocated. 102 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,132 -Wait, stop! -JOHNNY: Suffocated? 103 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,051 -Yeah. -Stop! 104 00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:22,096 We came in here to speak about you two. 105 00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:24,347 What could you possibly have to say now? 106 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:28,936 Well, now I don't remember. 107 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,311 Yeah, I don't remember. 108 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:32,647 Oh, my God! Thanks. 109 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,570 You know, the more I think about it, 110 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,156 the more I wonder whether David's whole 111 00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:44,118 sexually adventurous thing was just a phase. 112 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:45,535 It's not a phase. 113 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:48,247 Well, you know, he was very influenced in college, 114 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,497 all those haircuts. 115 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,083 It's not a phase, John. 116 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,543 The kids are right, 117 00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,963 -we've been talking about them far more than I care to. -JOHNNY: Mmm. 118 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,381 ROLAND: Something about that top that just knocks me out, baby! 119 00:04:58,423 --> 00:04:59,716 Hey, how you doing? 120 00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,843 Eh... 121 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,512 -Jocelyn, hi! -Hi, Moira. 122 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,722 Why don't you join us? 123 00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:06,974 Moira, what're you doing? 124 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,226 Attempting to be social, support me. 125 00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:11,186 -Won't you, please? -Hey, sure! 126 00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:12,562 -JOHNNY: Hi! -Of course. 127 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,315 -Hello! -Well! 128 00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:16,900 -Hello. -Hello. 129 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:19,694 -JOHNNY: Good to see you! -Look at us, all being together! 130 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,113 -Uh-huh. Yes. -(MOIRA CHUCKLES) 131 00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:23,865 Jonathan and I were just saying, 132 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:26,493 wouldn't it be fun to have the mayor and his wife over 133 00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:29,621 for cocktails and charades tonight! 134 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,332 -Yes, tonight. -ROLAND: Oh, jeez. 135 00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:35,002 Yeah, no, unfortunately that's not gonna work for us. 136 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,462 We're having a huge party tonight at our place. 137 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:38,922 Ton of people coming to our house. 138 00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:41,008 -Whoo! -ROLAND: Ooh, yeah, big. 139 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:44,052 But we're free any other night other than tonight. 140 00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:48,807 (BELL THUDS) 141 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:51,935 (BELL CONTINUES THUDDING) 142 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,067 -Hey. -Um... 143 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:00,902 So, um... 144 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,239 So the other... So, last night... 145 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:05,782 Um... 146 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,575 -That was just a... -Was a one-time thing. 147 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:09,452 -That was a one time... -(NERVOUS LAUGH) Like a blip. 148 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,662 Just a blip... 149 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,873 Just a blip. Blop. Just a... 150 00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:15,209 (INHALES SHARPLY) 151 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:18,377 -Uh, my sister said that she, uh... -Invited me to Ted's thing. 152 00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:19,796 Yes, she asked you to Ted's. 153 00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:21,673 -Yeah. -Yep. 154 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:22,757 Um... 155 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,343 Okay, well, I'm gonna leave from here. 156 00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:26,887 Should I just come by your place and get you when I'm done? 157 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,596 Yeah. We can go together, 'cause that's... 158 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,099 That's like a totally normal thing for us to do. 159 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:34,353 -Why would it not be? -No, it's fine! I mean... 160 00:06:34,393 --> 00:06:36,188 So, um... 161 00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:37,314 So, cool. 162 00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:38,940 Yeah, no, this is a good thing. 163 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,775 So I'll just, um... 164 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,527 I'll see you when you swing by. 165 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,778 -So... -Yeah, I'll be... 166 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,656 Blippity blop. Blippity blip. 167 00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:51,995 You're quiet today. 168 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:55,082 Am I? 169 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,708 It's just that you're not talking, 170 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,627 and it's annoying, because I'm bored. 171 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:00,921 Can't we just think and work, 172 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,839 or do we always have to talk? 173 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:06,385 Okay, you're being super sketchy and emo right now, what is going on? 174 00:07:06,425 --> 00:07:09,263 Have you ever been in a relationship where you find yourself cheating? 175 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,556 -Yes. -With someone in your dreams? 176 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,100 Oh, what? 177 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,269 Oh. Um... 178 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,229 You know that if it's in your dreams, 179 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:20,274 or over the clothes, it's not cheating, right? 180 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,818 Yeah, well, it's been happening a lot lately, 181 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,987 and then I look over and I see Twyla, 182 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,114 and I feel bad. 183 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,449 Also, Ted is throwing a party tonight, 184 00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:33,120 maybe that's something exciting for you two to do together? 185 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,207 That's probably not such a good idea. 186 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:42,837 Mmm. 187 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:44,631 Oh. Oh! Oh. 188 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:51,388 I'm sorry, what kind of event are you hosting this evening? 189 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:52,973 (CHUCKLES) 190 00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,391 Event. 191 00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:57,811 Oh, it's more of a soiree. 192 00:07:57,852 --> 00:08:01,398 He's just teasing, it's our annual Hawaiian night. 193 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,776 Pineapples, pig on the spit, the whole nine yards. 194 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,987 Oh, you, uh, roast pigs? 195 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,571 -JOCELYN: We do! -Sure do. 196 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:11,699 -We have a big one hanging in the garage. -ROLAND: Mmm-hmm. 197 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:14,202 Wow, it sounds like, uh... 198 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:16,204 Quite the evening. 199 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,749 So whose pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite? 200 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,544 Oh, my goodness, well, um, 201 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:28,216 we just didn't think that you and Johnny would wanna come, so... 202 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,260 Well, that's a touch presumptuous, Jocelyn. 203 00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:32,304 Why would we not want to be involved 204 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,056 in a themed party in your yard? 205 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,933 Right. 206 00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:40,687 Well, I mean, for one thing, you know, the two of you are a little, uh... 207 00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:42,689 A little what? 208 00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,359 (SIGHS) 209 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,777 -Hoity-toity. All right, I've said it. -(GASPS) 210 00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:52,073 We didn't think that you'd wanna hang out with regular people. 211 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:54,159 -Right. -(SCOFFS) "Regular people"? 212 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:59,247 Regular people are how Rose Video became such a... 213 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,082 Right, ca-careful, Moira. 214 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:04,378 Regular people! I mean, they made us who we were... 215 00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:06,880 -What am I trying to say? -We love regular people. 216 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,756 -(STAMMERING) We love regular people. -MOIRA: Mmm. 217 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:12,260 Well, by all means then, the two of you are invited. 218 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,429 Thank you. 219 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:21,228 So, just to be clear, 220 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,813 um, I'm a red wine drinker. 221 00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,606 -That's fine. -Okay, cool. 222 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:28,402 But, uh, I only drink red wine. 223 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:29,819 Okay. 224 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,447 And up until last night, 225 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,325 I was under the impression that 226 00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:38,203 you too only drank red wine. 227 00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,788 But I guess I was wrong? 228 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,457 I see where you're going with this. 229 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,084 Um... 230 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:45,960 I do drink red wine. 231 00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:50,549 But I also drink white wine. 232 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,052 -Oh. -And I've been known to sample the occasional rose. 233 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,930 And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, 234 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,473 that used to be a Chardonnay. 235 00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,141 -Which got a bit complicated. -Oh. Okay. 236 00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,394 Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines. 237 00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:05,313 I like the wine and not the label. Does that make sense? 238 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,357 -Yes, that does. -Okay. 239 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,817 Um, this is just very new to me, 240 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,861 so as long as you didn't roll over 241 00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:15,407 and cry yourself to sleep with regret, then we're good, right? 242 00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:16,950 No, no, no, I absolutely did that. 243 00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:19,202 Just wept for hours in the dark. 244 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,204 I say we go with this one, it's the biggest. 245 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,832 Wow, Ted, the place is very 246 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,168 new looking. 247 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,296 Did you design the interior? 248 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:31,381 (LAUGHS) Oh, I wish. 249 00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:34,175 No, I found this website online that sells off 250 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,177 old department store show rooms. 251 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:38,305 So this whole room... 252 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,265 Just gets delivered, as is. 253 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,183 This is the "bachelor's den" here, 254 00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:46,396 and then that's the "executive dining lounge" that I got on Black Friday. 255 00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:48,648 -Hmm. -Wow! 256 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:50,400 -Yeah. -Wow. 257 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:57,865 So are we the only ones showing up to this party? (NERVOUS LAUGH) 258 00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,909 -No, we're still waiting for Mutt and Twyla. -Mm-hmm. 259 00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:02,370 -Oh, I should take the rolls out of the microwave. -Yes. 260 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:03,997 -Hot rolls! -(CHUCKLES) 261 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:07,208 Alexis had just said that this was a "party" party. 262 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,169 Ah, well, you must've been misinformed then, David. 263 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:12,046 No, it's a dinner party. I wanted to get to know Alexis' friends a bit, 264 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,549 so I figured we'd invite a few couples over, huh, 265 00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,717 have some dinner, play some games? 266 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:17,760 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 267 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,559 (GASPS) You guys showed! 268 00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,269 Yeah, why wouldn't we show? 269 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:30,773 Twyla, I love your outfit, you look like a little Georgia peach! 270 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:34,194 -Hi. -So, where is everybody? I thought this was a party. 271 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:37,572 It is. It's an exclusive little party. 272 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,991 (HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING) 273 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,826 (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) 274 00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,077 (MUSIC STOPS) 275 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,372 Hey, who turned off Don Ho? 276 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:46,665 -Hey. -Oh! 277 00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:48,667 -Aloha, Roses! -Well, look who it is. 278 00:11:48,707 --> 00:11:50,835 -It's the Schitts! -(LAUGHING) 279 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,295 -Yeah, there you go. (LAUGHING) -Ahh. 280 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:53,380 -Jocelyn. -Moira. 281 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:54,922 Ooh, Johnny! (CHUCKLES) 282 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,924 -Whoo! -I gotta tell you, that suit, 283 00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:59,386 that's pretty dangerous to wear at a party like this. 284 00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:01,555 I just wanna wipe my hands all over that! 285 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,097 -Oh! -(ALL LAUGH) 286 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,474 You just keep getting funnier. 287 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,518 I'm not joking though, I really do. 288 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,812 Moira, I have to ask you. Are those wigs real hair? 289 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,856 -I just wanna reach out and just touch them... -Please, don't. 290 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:14,150 No, Maureen does not like to be manhandled! 291 00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,985 -Sorry, sorry. -Hey, Roses. 292 00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:17,820 If I tell you a secret, you promise to keep it? 293 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,698 Uh, no, I don't think we would. What is it? 294 00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:20,823 (CLEARS THROAT AND SHUSHES) 295 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,659 Johnny. (HUMS TRUMPET FANFARE) 296 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,162 -(VOCALISES) -(BOTH LAUGHING) 297 00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:29,748 Now, listen. I'm the guy in charge of upholding the law around here, 298 00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:32,210 so if you have any ideas about turning me in, 299 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,504 you'd just be turning me in to myself. 300 00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,715 (BOTH LAUGHING) 301 00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:38,633 Spark it up, Roley! Spark it up. 302 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,134 -You got it, honey. -Listen, I don't know 303 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,387 if you guys wanna partake in this, 304 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,598 because I'm sure your fancy dinner parties 305 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,766 didn't have illegal substances. 306 00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,936 Illegal substances. (SCOFFS) 307 00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:51,646 Amateurs. 308 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:54,190 We had friends in the FDA, but... 309 00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:55,316 When in Rome... 310 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,569 Well, damn, Roses! 311 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,195 -Let this party begin. -Mm-hmm. 312 00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:01,281 I'll fire up the cheese fountain. 313 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,823 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 314 00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:05,702 (INHALES) 315 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:08,371 (CHOKING) 316 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:14,919 (EXHALES LOUDLY) Oh! 317 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,171 (CUTLERY CLINKS) 318 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,465 DAVID: (SOFTLY) No, thank you. 319 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:21,509 So, Mutt, did, uh, 320 00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:24,721 you two criminals do any good for the community today? 321 00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:25,888 We washed a car. 322 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,140 DAVID: You washed a car. Wow. 323 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,434 The judicial system is really cracking down 324 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,227 on its delinquents these days, huh? 325 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:32,520 TED: You know what I always wondered? 326 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,231 What do you two talk about all day out there? 327 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,944 Nothing. 328 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:43,698 I mean, we talk, but... We don't really talk about anything important. 329 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,743 So, like, what? 330 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:48,953 Like, nothing. 331 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,998 Okay, um... 332 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:56,711 Like, Mutt was having a bad day today, so we talked about that. 333 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,213 You didn't tell me you were having a bad day. 334 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,050 Ted, this is delicious. 335 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,260 -Mm-hmm. -Oh. 336 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,553 I didn't mean a bad day, Twy, 337 00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,846 I just meant, like, he was questioning things. 338 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,809 Thank you, Stevie. I ordered it online from Nevada. 339 00:14:10,849 --> 00:14:13,227 -No sales tax. -What were you questioning? 340 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,312 It's nothing. 341 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,648 So when the lasagna gets delivered... 342 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:19,734 -(TED CLEARS THROAT) -Does it come, uh, frozen or... 343 00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:21,569 Okay, I just, uh... 344 00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:24,739 I don't know why you didn't feel comfortable talking to me about it. 345 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,240 It's not important. 346 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,284 That's why I was talking to Alexis about it. 347 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:32,706 -(WHISPERS) Ouch. -TED: Stevie, how long have you and David been, um... 348 00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:34,499 -It's very fresh and new. -No, it's not. 349 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,250 -It is, I would say. -Mm-mmm. 350 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:40,338 So, everyone knows? 351 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,800 -Knows what? -Uh, these two have... 352 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,219 -(GASPS) -What an elegant gesture, Ted. 353 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:49,681 Sorry, I thought everyone knew. 354 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,349 -No. -(SOFTLY) It's okay. 355 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,477 Sorry! (CHUCKLES) 356 00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:58,398 -(BONGO DRUMS PLAYING) -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 357 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,403 MOIRA: I've been with these people before. 358 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,822 I know them all. 359 00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:09,534 Wow, you've really been getting around town. 360 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:13,120 No, I was with them in my other life. 361 00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,249 I'm gonna tell you something. 362 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:19,293 I'm from a small town, just like this. 363 00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,797 No, I'm not buying that. 364 00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:25,842 -It's true. -Really? 365 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,343 Why would you leave? 366 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,722 Oh, God, I couldn't wait to get out. 367 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:32,891 I was dying there. 368 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,101 Have you never dreamed? 369 00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:37,729 Of a life beyond? 370 00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,314 You have "what ifs," like, what if... 371 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,942 I had enlisted in the military, 372 00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,444 what if Roland hadn't been 373 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,737 such a smooth talker, what... 374 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:48,281 Oh, man, what if. 375 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:52,660 What if I had not been crowned Miss Snow Cone at 16 376 00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:55,789 and moved to the city with my driving instructor? 377 00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:58,249 -Awesome. -And what if I had not 378 00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:02,211 hand modeled at that microwave trade show? 379 00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:04,589 -Yeah. -What if I didn't ask, 380 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,634 "Who's the eyebrows buying everyone's drinks?" 381 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:11,471 Wow, now you know. 382 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,556 Whatever happened to privacy? 383 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:16,058 Now your whole family thinks I'm this big hooker. 384 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:19,813 My whole family does not think you're a big hooker. 385 00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:21,856 It was a funny one-night thing. 386 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,524 Everyone here is fine with it. 387 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:24,609 It was funny? 388 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,362 Yeah, it was a... It was a fun... (STAMMERING) 389 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,698 It was a funny... It was... Yes. 390 00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:34,034 TWYLA: I had a best friend that hooked. She married one of her johns on my birthday. 391 00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,161 Wow! So cool. 392 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:36,746 -Mmm. -It's not the time, Twyla. 393 00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:39,540 Um, Stevie, I don't think you're a big hooker. 394 00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:40,917 TWYLA: You don't talk all dinner, 395 00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:43,043 and now you're telling me I can't talk about Trixie? 396 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:44,754 I'm sorry, it's just I think 397 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:47,298 sometimes you have a tendency to say the wrong thing, that's all. 398 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,134 Is there a right time to talk about being a hooker? 399 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:53,012 I bet nobody thought sex with Trixie was funny. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) 400 00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:54,305 I never said it was bad! 401 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,391 Okay, you know what I think is happening, 402 00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,144 is things are just getting blown out of proportion. 403 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:04,565 And honestly, if, Alexis, you just tell us what you and Mutt were talking about, 404 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,400 it'd probably help. 405 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,569 Oh, my God, Ted! 406 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:11,280 We were washing a car and talking about bad dreams. 407 00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:13,366 -Okay? -Okay. 408 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,909 You sound a little defensive. 409 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,285 -Well... -I'd agree. 410 00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,912 You know what, I just remembered, 411 00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,999 I have to wake up early tomorrow. I have an early check-in. 412 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,584 Uh, nobody checks-in. 413 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:26,086 Tomorrow someone is, early. 414 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:29,799 Uh, Ted, you have a really special place, 415 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:32,760 and we should all do this again sometime. 416 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,888 Uh, David, would you mind walking me home. 417 00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:36,472 I don't think we're finished talking. 418 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:38,307 (EXHALES SHARPLY) David. 419 00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:39,475 Don't. 420 00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:47,233 My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. 421 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:52,572 He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it. 422 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:56,534 My son is pansexual. 423 00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:58,828 Mm-hmm. 424 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,621 I've heard of that. 425 00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,249 I know what that is, that's, uh, 426 00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:04,876 that cookware fetish. 427 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,085 No. 428 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,879 -No, no. -Mmm-hmm. No, I read about that! 429 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:09,756 No, he loves everyone. 430 00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:11,465 Men, women, 431 00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:15,469 women who become men, men who become women. 432 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:19,640 I'm his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. 433 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:24,186 But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe... 434 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,522 Maybe everything would've been less... 435 00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:27,690 Confusing. 436 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:33,780 Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, 437 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,533 we can't tell our kids who to love. 438 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,328 -Who said that? -You did. 439 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,205 When? 440 00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,498 You just said it now! 441 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:45,959 When? 442 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,919 Now, right this second. You just said it. 443 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:51,631 And you're right. You can't tell them. And I'm fine with that. 444 00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:56,928 (SHUDDERS) Thank you for playing along. 445 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,972 (EXHALES) I'm sorry, I just had to get out of there. 446 00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:01,641 It was like being in an episode of Couples Therapy. 447 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,142 Okay, wait. 448 00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:06,520 This was all a put-on just to get out of dinner? 449 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:09,690 Yeah, I thought you were in on it. 450 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:13,486 Well, you deserve a Daytime Emmy for that performance. 451 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,613 Thank you, I think so. 452 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,825 Okay, so you're not, like, raging mad at me, then. 453 00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:20,534 No. 454 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,411 I think it's fair to say that neither of us have ever 455 00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:24,413 worked with a ceiling mirror before. 456 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:26,206 -True. -It was funny. 457 00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:29,085 And a little humiliating. 458 00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:30,628 Yeah, I, uh... 459 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,464 Saw a lot of my body. 460 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,842 -I didn't like it. So... -(CHUCKLES) 461 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,427 I'm actually that way. 462 00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:42,932 Okay, yeah, I was, um, wondering if maybe we should, um... 463 00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:45,267 Try it again, for the sake of practice? 464 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,478 I'd be into that idea. 465 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,480 For the sake of proficiency. 466 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,279 So I guess we won't be playing Hedbanz. 467 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,494 Oh! Why did he say that? 468 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:04,620 Oh, my God. 469 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,372 -What the hell... (MUTTERING) -What? 470 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:07,999 -Just don't... Just stay here. -MOIRA: What? 471 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,334 Oh, hello again! 472 00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:11,836 Spending another night together? 473 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,046 Dad! 474 00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:16,382 Oh, Stevie, I hope you're being smart. 475 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:17,842 -Oh, my God! -Oh, my God! 476 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,636 Because we can't afford a baby right now, 477 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:23,347 and let's be honest, neither can you! 478 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,976 Okay, well, I think it's about time that you two go to bed. 479 00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:28,394 -Excuse me! -Uh, David, 480 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:31,022 I just want you to know that I support this. 481 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:35,068 Not the fact that you're sleeping with a girl, which is great. 482 00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:36,903 But, you know, I'd be just as happy 483 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:39,989 if you were to bring home one of your guy friends. 484 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:41,866 What are you talking about? 485 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:45,536 Um, excuse me while I just go draw a warm bath and plug in my hair dryer. 486 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,081 No, Stevie. Stevie. 487 00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:50,457 You're a lovely girl, lovely girl. 488 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:53,794 Bit of an edge, but you know, it's growing on me. 489 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:56,047 And David, I just want you to know 490 00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:59,717 that I endorse all your sexual encounters. 491 00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:01,510 Are you drunk? 492 00:21:01,552 --> 00:21:03,721 Grass, too much grass. 493 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,306 -A little bit, but... -(SOFTLY) What the... 494 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:09,518 Hey, track that cycle, missy! 495 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,645 Okay, good night! 496 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,564 -Hey, good night! -(DOOR SLAMS) 497 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:14,941 Good night.