1
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:11,754
So, I guess
that decides it.

2
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:12,852
Yup.

3
00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:14,153
Hanging out at a coffee place

4
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,615
is not nearly as much fun
as hanging out at a bar.

5
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,016
Man, what's that?

6
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,558
What?

7
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:25,292
That cute coffee girl
wrote a heart by your name.

8
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,299
* Somebody has
a crush on you. *

9
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,272
* Somebody thinks you're me. *

10
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,332
Do you really
think she like me?

11
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,801
I mean, I guess it's
not that surprising.

12
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,609
Every time I come in here,
I totally crack her up.

13
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:40,612
Marshall, here's
your pumpkin latte.

14
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,944
Wow. How did you fit a pumpkin
in this little cup?

15
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,181
(laughing)

16
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:47,717
I'll have a pumpkin latte.

17
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:50,181
How do they even fit a pumpkin
in those little cups?

18
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,851
What? You got a shrink
ray back there?

19
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:52,919
(laughing)

20
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:55,056
Yeah.

21
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,263
Hey, remember that time
I said that thing

22
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,985
about how do they
fit a pumpkin

23
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,089
into that little cup?

24
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,001
Which time?
The first time.

25
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,932
Yeah. That was really funny.

26
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,867
Right.

27
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,503
All right, there's only two
reasons she'd laugh at that.

28
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,239
One, it's the first joke
she's ever heard,

29
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:11,914
or two, she likes you.

30
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:13,112
You should totally
ask her out.

31
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,044
You think?

32
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,238
Yeah, that why you're not

33
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:16,439
back with Lily, right?
So you can experience

34
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:17,780
what it's like
to be single.

35
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:18,905
Well, what if the heart

36
00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:20,179
doesn't mean anything?

37
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:22,018
What if she writes it
on all the cups?

38
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,322
Mine says "Ted," no heart.

39
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:28,355
Mine says... "Swarley."

40
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,422
How'd they get "Swarley"
from "Barney"?

41
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:31,461
It's not even a name.

42
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,825
Who would ever
be called "Swarley"?

43
00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,533
Oh, please don't start
calling me "Swarley."

44
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,600
This would never
happen at a bar!

45
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,972
Man! What's up
with Swarley?

46
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,540
I know. You almost never see
old Swarlz get that upset.

47
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,110
Psssh.

48
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,164
Hey, guess what?

49
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,098
Oh, sorry.

50
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:10,263
It's only my mom.

51
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:11,931
She's just rambling on
like always.

52
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:12,929
Uh-huh.

53
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:13,970
What happened?

54
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:15,544
Marshall asked out a girl.

55
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:18,413
Wow. Well, if anything,
that's Dad's fault.

56
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,712
That'll keep her going a while.

57
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:22,983
Oh, of course, you know,
he had a little help.

58
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,083
Swarley hooked him up?

59
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,014
Oh, good. You
got my text.

60
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:26,378
Yeah.
Oh. No,
it was me.

61
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:28,247
I gave Marshall
one of my secrets.

62
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,176
So, what she say?

63
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,591
Nothing.

64
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,816
I don't think she heard me.

65
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:34,987
It's pretty busy up there.

66
00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:36,985
What? You gave her
the look right?

67
00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:38,887
Head down, eyes
looking up,

68
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,859
hands in pockets,
shoulders up,

69
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:43,558
head slightly tilted,
conveying shy vulnerability.

70
00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:45,931
I think so.

71
00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,339
Look, can we just go?

72
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,575
Pumpkin latte

73
00:02:55,643 --> 00:02:56,613
for Marshall.

74
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,245
I didn't order that.

75
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,257
Phone number.

76
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:10,920
I love that look.

77
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,261
I think I slept with you
because of that look.

78
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,427
And it's fake?

79
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:15,955
Oh, and you biting
your lower lip,

80
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:19,229
shyly looking away and thrusting
your chest out is natural?

81
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,370
Yeah, I hear you.

82
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,040
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, guys.

83
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,114
Are you free tomorrow night?

84
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,913
I was thinking of having
a wine tasting

85
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,405
slash "help me catch the rat
in my apartment" party.

86
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:31,448
That's a great idea.

87
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,282
You can put out
cheese for both.

88
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:36,347
I should invite Marshall, right?

89
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,487
It'd be weird if I didn't.

90
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,751
Yeah, I don't
think he can go.

91
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,290
Really? Why not?

92
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,355
Uh, okay, um...

93
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:45,394
Lily, we have to
tell you something.

94
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,056
Marshall has a date.

95
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,958
Oh. Well... good for him.

96
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,471
Really? You're
okay with it?

97
00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:54,673
Look, we've been broken up
almost six months.

98
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,665
I mean, I'm not
thrilled about the idea,

99
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,867
but he has every right
to date someone else.

100
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,540
That's very mature.

101
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,279
Why are you holding the phone?

102
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,214
Oh, shoot.

103
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:06,479
(laughing)

104
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:09,317
That's hilarious, Mom.

105
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,623
Didn't even notice.

106
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,123
Hey, dude, by the way,
I really like that suit.

107
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:16,358
Tell me about the fabric.

108
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:17,434
Is it foreign or something?

109
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,031
Wow. It is foreign.

110
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,532
I'm impressed, Ted.

111
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,834
It's Moroccan, actually.
Whoa.

112
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,995
I got a call for Swarley.

113
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:25,668
Is there a Swarley here?

114
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,073
You weren't
interested

115
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,774
in my suit at all, were you?

116
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,496
Hmm?
Swarley!

117
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:34,070
Yeah, I know he's there.

118
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,341
It's really important.

119
00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:36,309
Could you
ask again?

120
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,047
Important call for Swarley!

121
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,081
MARSHALL:
Geez,

122
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,106
can't you
hear him, Swarley?

123
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,080
There's a call for you.

124
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,678
Stop calling me that.

125
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,120
Uh... Hey, I'd
like you guys

126
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:46,315
to officially
meet Chloe.

127
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:48,087
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.

128
00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,385
It's nice to meet you guys.

129
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:50,517
I'll be right back.

130
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:51,891
It's right back there.

131
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,126
Right?

132
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,497
Right? She's hot!

133
00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,266
And she likes me?

134
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:01,404
She likes Italian food.

135
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,399
I also like Italian food.

136
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:04,541
She likes Billy Joel.

137
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,705
I also like... music.

138
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:07,714
And I think

139
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:10,075
we're going to go out again.

140
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,083
Dude, you
gotta ditch her.

141
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,084
Obviously.

142
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,675
Why?

143
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,317
She's got the
crazy eyes.

144
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:17,053
Dude. The eyes.

145
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,347
They're crazy.

146
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,919
What are you guys talking
about, the crazy eyes?

147
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,388
It's a well-documented

148
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,786
condition of
the pupils, or pupi.

149
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:25,928
No. Just pupils.

150
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,503
It's an indicator of
future mental instability.

151
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,633
She does not have
the crazy eyes.

152
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,670
You just can't see it
because you're afflicted

153
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,495
with "haven't been laid
in a while" blindness.

154
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,768
She was too far away
in the coffee place,

155
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,840
but when I saw her
up close just now...

156
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,979
Hey, I'd like you guys
to officially meet Chloe.

157
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,554
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.

158
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:46,883
It's nice to meet you guys.

159
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,357
You guys, I'm not going
to stop dating Chloe

160
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,163
just because you think
she has the crazy eyes.

161
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,534
You can keep
going out with her,

162
00:05:58,592 --> 00:05:59,662
but you're
gonna regret it.

163
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,657
One time, I met a girl
at this very bar.

164
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:04,569
I saw that she had
the crazy eyes...

165
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,336
...but I ignored it.

166
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,002
And then, sure enough.

167
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:13,238
Barney, can I ask
you a question?

168
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:14,476
Anything.

169
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,712
Would you like to
have a threesome?

170
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:19,377
Of course.

171
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:21,817
Great. It'll be you,
me and Mr. Weasels.

172
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:25,818
So, did you do it?

173
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,586
No. It ended up
being just a twosome

174
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,616
with the third one
watching from a chair.

175
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,559
Which one were you?

176
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:35,657
I'd rather not say.

177
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,629
Look, there was a time
I didn't believe

178
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,228
in the crazy eyes either,
and then I met Jeanine.

179
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:43,470
She had serious crazy eyes.

180
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:46,767
I told myself I was just
imagining it, but then...

181
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,710
So, should we go get a drink?

182
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:50,936
As long as it's
in your apartment.

183
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,481
(tires squeal)

184
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:53,676
Whoa, I'm sorry.

185
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,147
Watch! Where! You're! Going!

186
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,793
So, where do you live?

187
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,261
You guys, Chloe is not gonna
do any of that stuff.

188
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,156
She's a nice girl
from Nebraska.

189
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,358
She's not crazy.

190
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,299
She's... she's awesome.

191
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,374
But you can't avoid
the crazy eyes forever.

192
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,173
Sooner or later, they're going
to be bubbling to the surface.

193
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,236
Hello?

194
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,574
Marshall, it's Chloe.

195
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:21,579
Are you the one who's
called me like nine times?

196
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,612
Yeah. Could you come get me?

197
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:26,207
I'm in the middle
of taking a test.

198
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,419
Please. I'm so scared.

199
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:29,622
Well, what's going on?

200
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,553
This weird midget guy
started following me

201
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:32,749
and he was screaming at me

202
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,320
and he had a limp
and a big hump on his back

203
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:36,618
and the police
didn't believe me

204
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:39,630
and I almost got
trampled by a horse and...

205
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:43,233
God I must sound
totally crazy to you right now.

206
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,226
No.

207
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,427
Pfft.

208
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:46,929
Not at all.

209
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,970
So, she's needy crazy.

210
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,236
That's one of
the worst kinds.

211
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,374
I've had one of those.

212
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:53,939
Makes up stories
to get attention.

213
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,837
Went out with her for three
weeks-- her dad died twice.

214
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,750
Guys, she was really
freaked out, okay?

215
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,283
Maybe the story is true.

216
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:02,618
What in the world

217
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,283
would make you believe
that's a true story?

218
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,391
She's really hot.

219
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:09,123
They always are.

220
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,257
You all done
with that, Ted?

221
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,334
Yeah.
Ned.

222
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,862
I told you
to call him Ned.

223
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:16,362
That's just sad.

224
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:17,969
Sorry, Swarley.

225
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:22,537
So, do just you
and Ted live here

226
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:23,903
or does Swarley live here, too?

227
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:26,211
Nah. Swarley has his own place.

228
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,012
(glass breaking)

229
00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:31,207
What was that?

230
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:32,248
Oh, I, uh,
dropped my keys.

231
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,582
Oh.

232
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,618
So, here you go.

233
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:39,554
Two pumpkin beers.
(laughing)

234
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,590
I was joking.
They're regular beers.

235
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,285
What is that?

236
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,241
This picture is broken.

237
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,302
Oh. That's too bad.

238
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,039
Is that Lily?

239
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,807
Is that the girl you
were going to marry?

240
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,605
Yeah. Is that what
that sound was?

241
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,208
Did you just smash this?

242
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,079
No.

243
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,648
Why would I do that?

244
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,551
Let me look into your eyes.

245
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,764
Okay.

246
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,532
I had a really
nice time tonight.

247
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,525
Yeah, me, too.

248
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,856
Stop blinking.

249
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,771
I like your eyes a lot, too.

250
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,297
Stop!

251
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,038
Hi. I'm Lily.

252
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,249
Stop!

253
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,747
Now I know Lily
hiding in the apartment

254
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,620
while Marshall was
on a date with another girl

255
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,319
seems pretty crazy,
but when you hear

256
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:54,060
her side of the story, well,
it's still pretty crazy.

257
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,195
What's up Swarlz?

258
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,233
No.

259
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,727
Okay? No. No more.

260
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,429
I will not let this
become a thing.

261
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,300
It's over.

262
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,698
No more Swarley.
No Swarlz.

263
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:05,140
* No more Swar-lay *

264
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,235
* No more Swar...
wait for it... ley *

265
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,938
No more Bob Swarley, mon.

266
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,011
No more.

267
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:12,649
No!

268
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:13,683
It's over.

269
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,117
Do you understand?

270
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,252
Yes.
Yes.

271
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,686
Thank you.

272
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:21,817
Nice.

273
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,459
Why didn't you call me?
Was I supposed to call you?

274
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:26,693
Yes, about the whole Marshall-
dating-another-girl thing.

275
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:27,930
You said you were fine with it.

276
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:30,655
Yeah, in front of Ted,
but then I shot you a look.

277
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:31,631
What look?

278
00:10:31,699 --> 00:10:33,869
This.

279
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,774
That doesn't seem like a look.

280
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,437
Yes it is. It means,
"I'm upset call me later."

281
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,776
You should have pulled me aside
and told me what the look meant.

282
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:43,382
If I pulled you aside,
I wouldn't need the look.

283
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,383
Well, maybe if it was a more
distinctive look...

284
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,845
Okay, the look isn't important.

285
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,584
What's important is that
I can't stand the idea

286
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,419
of Marshall dating
another woman.

287
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,594
I mean, what if

288
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:53,922
he falls in love with her?

289
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,757
Well, if it makes
you feel any better,

290
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:58,133
Ted says she has
the crazy eyes.

291
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,191
What's that?

292
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,129
Apparently, a thing women have
that guys can see

293
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,134
and it tells them
that the girl's crazy.

294
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:06,466
Oh, kind of like how you
never want to date a guy

295
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:07,473
with perfect fingernails?

296
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,344
Jerk nails. Exactly.

297
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:11,772
Well, did-did Ted say whether
she was good-looking?

298
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,939
I mean, 'cause if
I knew she was ugly,

299
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,937
then maybe I wouldn't
be so freaked out.

300
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,379
Uh, he didn't say,
but you can find out.

301
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:19,875
I think her name is Chloe--

302
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,877
she works at Cosa Coffee
on 78th.

303
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:24,749
Phone call
for Swarles Barkley?

304
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,787
Hey, Ted.
No, he's not here.

305
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,686
Good one, though--
remember that one.

306
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:37,726
Is, um,

307
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,068
Chloe here?

308
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,032
She just left.

309
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:41,400
You can probably
still catch her.

310
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,738
She's easy to spot--
she's got a pink umbrella.

311
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,874
Oh, thanks, Brian.

312
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:46,869
My name is Scott.

313
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,910
Your tag says Brian.

314
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,206
I know. Funny story.

315
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,047
So, I wake up
this morning, and...

316
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,582
Yeah, see you later, Brian.

317
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:56,716
(thunder rumbling, rain falling)

318
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,419
LILY:
There she is.

319
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,491
She doesn't look that great.

320
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,959
She's not fat,
but that doesn't mean anything.

321
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,499
I know tons of skinny,
ugly women.

322
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,404
That's right, snotty girl
in my yoga class,

323
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,067
I'm talking to you.

324
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:20,736
Come on, Chloe, turn around.

325
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:23,308
Here we go.
Turn around, Chloe.

326
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:25,676
Come on, show me
that hideous face.

327
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,315
Damn it!

328
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,551
Ooh, I know,
I'll get ahead of her,

329
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,087
then I'll cut back so I...

330
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,052
Aah!

331
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,260
Oh, my God, that hurts!

332
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,563
Turn around!

333
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,955
Come on! Just turn around!

334
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:42,828
Okay, this is ridiculous.

335
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:44,926
(deep, gruff voice):
Hey!

336
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,998
Turn around!
What's the matter with you?

337
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,240
(deep voice):
Hey, you!

338
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:56,114
Turn around!

339
00:12:57,377 --> 00:13:00,507
Turn around, Chloe!

340
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,719
She's hot? I'm so sorry.

341
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:09,888
No, it's fine.

342
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,217
I-It just makes
things easier.

343
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:14,191
Now that I know she's
a threat, all I have to do

344
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:16,261
is keep Marshall from
ever seeing her again.

345
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,999
Okay, I have two plans--
you can help me choose.

346
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:21,326
Plan A-- remember
that time Marshall and I

347
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:22,871
had sex in the bathroom?

348
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:24,636
Oops, I got knocked up.

349
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:25,544
Lily.

350
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,035
Okay, plan B

351
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,607
is called "Chloe's Accident."

352
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:31,276
Just stop.
What?

353
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,184
Lily, you can't do
any of those things.

354
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,246
If you two are ever gonna
get back together,

355
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,615
you have to let him work out
whatever this is.

356
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,124
I know. You're right.

357
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,787
Now, come on, Ted asked us
to be upstairs at 6:00.

358
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,186
Some surprise for Barney.

359
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,327
Barney?

360
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:46,462
Uh, Swarley.

361
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,764
Hey, guys.
Hey.

362
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,558
Hey. Where's Marshall?

363
00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:52,871
Oh, he's getting a haircut.

364
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,973
Oh. For his date.

365
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,665
Good for him.

366
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:58,366
Hope he has a good time tonight.

367
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,408
Relax, you've got nothing
to worry about.

368
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:01,673
The girl's crazy.

369
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,911
Thanks!
He'll just have

370
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,847
wild monkey sex with her
five times, max,

371
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:07,253
and be done with her.

372
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,054
Thanks again.

373
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:10,676
(loud music plays)

374
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:11,850
What are you doing?

375
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,149
I just wanted to listen

376
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,620
to a little music, that's all.

377
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,417
DEEJAY:
And this next one's going out
to Swarley.

378
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:20,030
All your friends know
you miss Barney,

379
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:22,203
but he's gone, and you got
to accept that, baby.

380
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:25,272
And, Swarley, you're gonna be
a better woman for it.

381
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,432
Here's "I Am Woman"
by Helen Reddy.

382
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:28,400
* I am woman... *

383
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,468
Ha-ha! Now I'm a woman.
I love it!

384
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,837
You know, I was thinking

385
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,706
about this whole new
name thing last night,

386
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:35,914
and you know
what I realized?

387
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:36,976
I like it.

388
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,914
You like being called Swarley?

389
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,749
Are you kidding?
I want you to call me that.

390
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:41,883
Do you really think
this is gonna work?

391
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,319
Do I think what's gonna work?

392
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,323
I'm just saying,
I love my new name,

393
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,615
so please only call me
that from now on.

394
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:49,718
Call you what?

395
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:52,129
You know,
that-that-that new name

396
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,862
that you've been calling me.

397
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:55,257
Say it.

398
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,758
Why? You guys know what it is.

399
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,000
Say the name.

400
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,866
(groans):
No, I don't want to!

401
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:03,835
I hate it! I hate it!

402
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,213
It's not funny!

403
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,672
It's never been funny!
I've never done any...

404
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,810
(screams):
No!

405
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:11,736
Man, he is really
gonna lose it

406
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,151
when all the magazine
subscriptions start coming in.

407
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,352
I signed him up for
People in Espanol,

408
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,447
but I addressed
it to Swarlos.
(laughing)

409
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,920
Hey, where's the picture
of Marshall and me at the pier?

410
00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:26,231
Didn't it used to be
by that window?

411
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:29,463
Oh, yeah, he, uh, he sort of
took it down when you left.

412
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,299
Put it behind
some books, I think.

413
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:34,004
Oh, well-well,
maybe I should put it back up.

414
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,867
Why, so Chloe'll see it
and get scared off?

415
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,135
(laughs):
No.

416
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:39,544
So Marshall'll see it
and feel guilty.

417
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,013
Yeah, okay.

418
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,635
TED:
But she wasn't okay.

419
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:47,950
Later that night,
while Marshall was on his date,

420
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,115
Lily came back.

421
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,563
(key rattles in lock)
(glass breaks)

422
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,158
(gasps)

423
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,004
(door opens)

424
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:08,097
...anymore.

425
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,598
Pretty impressive, huh?

426
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,499
Wow, you really did
memorize all the lyrics

427
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,041
to "We Didn't
Start the Fire."

428
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,066
(laughs):
Yeah.

429
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,411
MARSHALL:
Can I, uh, can I

430
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,335
get you a drink?
I'd love a beer.

431
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,050
You got it.

432
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,318
Lily did what
any sensible woman would do.

433
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,554
She hid under the desk.

434
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:29,189
And she stayed there,
listening to her ex-fiancé

435
00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:31,056
on a date with another woman.

436
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,364
Until...

437
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,385
CHLOE:
I had a really
nice time tonight.

438
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,361
MARSHALL:
Yeah, me, too.
Stop blinking.

439
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,869
I like your eyes
a lot, too.

440
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,071
Finally, much like Billy Joel,

441
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,974
she couldn't take it anymore.

442
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:45,466
Stop!

443
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,409
Hi.

444
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,205
I'm Lily.

445
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:53,154
Lily...

446
00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:55,283
Lily, what the hell
are you doing?

447
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,448
I don't know. I...

448
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,186
I don't know...
what I'm doing.

449
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:01,121
Oh, pumpkin beer--
that was a good one.

450
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,558
I'm just...
I'm gonna go.

451
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:04,863
I... I'm so sorry.

452
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:08,534
En-Enjoy the rest
of your date.

453
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,225
(door slams)

454
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,630
She seems nice.

455
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,575
(chuckles softly)

456
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:29,516
Lilly, what the hell...
I'm sorry.

457
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,552
I only snuck up there
because...

458
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,648
when I saw how cute she was
yesterday, I freaked out.

459
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,091
Lily, you saw her yesterday?

460
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,886
Yeah, I...

461
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:40,527
kind of chased her
down the street.

462
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,767
Wait, so you were
the hunchback with the limp?

463
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,643
Yeah.

464
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:52,771
And she didn't break
the picture, I did.

465
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:58,284
So Chloe's not crazy, she's...

466
00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:01,445
just a nice, normal girl.

467
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:05,194
Yeah, she is.

468
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:09,092
And you deserve
a nice, normal girl.

469
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:12,016
So, why don't you just
go back up there

470
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,791
and-and finish your date.

471
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,896
Yeah.

472
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:19,734
(quietly):
Okay.

473
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,429
Okay.

474
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,201
(sighs)

475
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:24,540
Wait, if you were the hunchback,

476
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,844
then why did she think
you were a guy?

477
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,178
I-I might have used a voice

478
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,983
(deep voice):
that sounded like this.

479
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:34,284
Why?

480
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:36,647
Because I didn't want her
to know it was me,

481
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,516
which I now realize
doesn't make sense,

482
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,885
because she hadn't
even met me.

483
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,623
You're crazy.

484
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,859
(sniffles)

485
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:50,364
You have... crazier eyes than
anybody that I have ever met.

486
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,365
Shouldn't you be
going back up...

487
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,144
I mean, you're out of your mind.

488
00:18:56,203 --> 00:19:00,043
You're...
just absolutely insane.

489
00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:03,006
(soft laugh)

490
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:06,905
Shouldn't you be
going back upstairs?

491
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:12,046
I've missed you so much.

492
00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:15,258
(exhales)

493
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,862
Okay, I ran it by the group,

494
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,828
and we decided we're gonna
give you a choice.

495
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:26,166
We will agree to stop
calling you Swarley,

496
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:29,173
but instead, we'll
call you Jennifer.

497
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:32,207
Well?

498
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:35,242
I'm thinking.

499
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:36,578
How about this?
Mm-hmm?

500
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,513
On Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays...

501
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:39,648
Hey.

502
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:42,383
Look at this.

503
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:44,379
So right there,
in the exact same place

504
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,851
that six months earlier
I had walked up and found

505
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:49,289
Marshall alone, crying
over his breakup with Lily,

506
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,956
I found him again.

507
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,663
Only this time he wasn't alone,
and he was happy.

508
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:57,957
So we went to the bar
to celebrate, and it was great.

509
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:01,170
I was with Robin, Marshall
and Lily were back together,

510
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,544
and Barney had a cool new name.

511
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,473
All was right with the world...

512
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,008
until we got back
to the apartment.

513
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:10,013
Oh, my God.

514
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,436
Hey, Chloe, I...

515
00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:13,411
guess I forgot I
left you up here.

516
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,480
I was gonna leave,
but I can't find my keys.

517
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,721
They're right there
on the coffee table.

518
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:23,187
(laughing)

519
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:24,256
Silly me.

520
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:25,994
I must have looked

521
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,828
everywhere else.

522
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:33,230
Well... I'm just gonna go.

523
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,470
(clears throat)

524
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,904
Oh, I don't think we've met.

525
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:36,968
I'm Chloe.

526
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,336
Robin.

527
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,265
It's nice to meet you, Roland.

528
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:41,870
I'll see
you guys later.

529
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,452
(nervous chuckle)

530
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:48,052
(chuckling):
Roland?

531
00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:49,684
Your name's Roland.

532
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:53,119
(laughs):
That's funny, right?

533
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,215
Rock and Roland.

534
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:57,388
Warsaw is the
capital of what?

535
00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:59,357
Roland. (laughs)

536
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:03,460
You're Monica Roland-ski.

537
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:05,504
Hey, yeah,

538
00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:08,225
that's just how
I Roland.

539
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:10,771
Nice try, Swarley.
Damn it.

540
00:21:20,179 --> 00:21:21,149
OTHERS:
Swarley!

541
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:23,123
(over stereo):
* Sometimes *

542
00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,482
* You want to go *

543
00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:27,051
* Where everybody knows
your name *

544
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,689
* *

545
00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:33,386
* And they're always glad
you came... *