1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:06,006 [dramatic music plays *] 2 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,939 You can always count on "The Onion" to get the story. 3 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,041 It's America's Finest News Source. 4 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,876 [**] 5 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:48,782 [announcer] And now, "The Onion News: America's Finest News Source," 6 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,951 featuring Dana Dobbs, 7 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,587 Senior Correspondent, Kip Kendall, 8 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,823 and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer. 9 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,793 We begin today with news from Detroit. 10 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:03,264 Where auto making giant, American Automotive announced a safety recall 11 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:07,067 of all 2,004 cars containing neck belts. 12 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,203 The neck belts introduced last month 13 00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,205 in an attempt to reduce head injuries, 14 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,441 have been found to cause crushed tracheas, 15 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,377 severe spinal damage, and violent decapitation. 16 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:21,048 [little girl] Daddy, come! Hi, dad! 17 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,285 [dramatic news jingle] 18 00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:29,823 Today, the U.S. military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits. 19 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,393 You sign up, right now. 20 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,263 You get one pair of Ozzfest tickets 21 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,098 and a set of mud flaps for your truck. 22 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,501 Then, after six months of active duty, 23 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:45,173 you are eligible to receive an ounce of weed. 24 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:47,508 Sweet! 25 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:51,812 [recruiter] And in six more months, a bunch more weed. 26 00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:54,582 You're fucking lying, I get some more-- 27 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,818 [recruiter] And if you serve a tour duty during a foreign conflict, 28 00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:01,922 you will receive upon your discharge this: 29 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,624 a hot bitch poster. 30 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,959 [hippie grunts in excitement] Sign me up! 31 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,662 [news jingle plays *] 32 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,599 The internet went down for three hours this morning, 33 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,935 plunging the nation into productivity. 34 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:19,340 The outage which caused major work startages from New York to California, 35 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:23,877 prevented an estimated 120 million American employees 36 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,381 from messing around on the Web at work. 37 00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,817 [announcer] More "Onion" news after this. 38 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:33,887 [film narrator] In a world without justice, 39 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:36,524 where the strong prey on the weak, 40 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:41,429 [Asian music plays *] 41 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,469 one man must face the ultimate challenge. 42 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,138 Master, how did they defeat me? 43 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,377 They used an ancient technique that strikes at the very core of a warriors' strength. 44 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,316 This attack, there is no defense. 45 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,485 Master, will you teach me? 46 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,321 You are not yet ready, my son. 47 00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:11,359 I'm ready, Master. 48 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,527 [Master] No, you are not. You have much to learn. 49 00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,996 [dramatic music plays *] 50 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:21,535 You, my young pupil, shall become a cockpuncher. 51 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,371 [film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, 52 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:27,107 Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher". 53 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,677 [**] 54 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,679 [faint] No! 55 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,581 [gunshots] 56 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:37,618 [faint screaming] 57 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,186 [cracking] 58 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,355 [**] 59 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,556 [film narrator] "Cockpuncher." 60 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,124 I don't think you have the balls. 61 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:47,928 [film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, 62 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:50,063 That looks awesome! 63 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,799 Sure it does, kids. 64 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,967 A real whack in the nutsack. 65 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,135 [husband] Honey? 66 00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,470 Have you seen my good, black socks? 67 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,073 [little girl] Mommy, look! 68 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,376 [husband] Honey? 69 00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,144 [news jingle] If you've seen news happening, 70 00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:06,947 call "The Onion News" Hotline. 71 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,148 [husband] Honey? 72 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:12,986 I cannot find my good, black socks! 73 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,155 Hello? "Onion News?" 74 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,658 [siren wails] [shouting in background] 75 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,975 We are here live, with a breaking news story. 76 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:39,146 Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks. 77 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,850 Mr. McCormick, will you please tell us exactly what happened this morning? 78 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:46,920 Sure, um, I got up this normal morning. 79 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,356 Kids are downstairs. 80 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,592 And uh, my wife's cooking breakfast. 81 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:56,797 And all of sudden, you know, I notice that my good, black socks are missing. 82 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,667 Here's your boy, ma'am. Safe and sound. 83 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,102 Oh, thanks, thanks. 84 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,972 Sweetie, look! 85 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,273 "The Onion" news van! 86 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,174 Yeah... 87 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:09,977 [news jingle plays *] 88 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,012 In other news, a local eight-year-old 89 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:15,683 accidentally exercised his second amendment rights yesterday, 90 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:19,720 when he blew off his head with his father's semi-automatic rifle. 91 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:23,156 The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights activists 92 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:26,994 as a victory for America and the Constitution. 93 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:30,698 [quiet chatter] 94 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,165 [ominous music plays *] Nobody move! 95 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,802 [woman screams] Unless you want your head blown off. 96 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,169 You! 97 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,171 Please, please don't shoot me. 98 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,507 I'll give you however much you want. 99 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:42,376 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think I want money? 100 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,878 You think that's what this is about? 101 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,848 A big gang black man comes walking in, waving a gun, 102 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,083 and you assume he's robbing the place? 103 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,985 [armed gunman] I ain't looking for no goddamned handout. 104 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,221 I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch. 105 00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:55,088 Excuse me? 106 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,223 You heard me. 107 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,225 A mothafucking job! 108 00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,893 [armed gunman] Don't you see? 109 00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,829 You give me money, that'll just help me in the short-term. 110 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,597 But a job! 111 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:07,501 That'll help me develop valuable job skills and experience. 112 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,537 It's like teaching a man how to fish. 113 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,673 [cocks gun] So quick stalling, get your bitch ass back there, 114 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,043 and give me a 40 hour a week position, 115 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:20,380 with vacation pay and benefits, you piece of shit, mothafucker, 116 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,082 and don't make me ask twice. 117 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,784 Back that ass up. 118 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,052 [armed gunman] Lets go, lets go! 119 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,754 Can I help the next mothafucking person in line? 120 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,522 You in that apricot ah, sweater suit. 121 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,591 Get your bitch ass on over here, now! 122 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,259 How can I help you today? 123 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:35,863 Um, I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account 124 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,631 and then I need to withdraw-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 125 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:40,868 Just-just-just shut the fuck up for a minute. 126 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,570 The fuck you doing, Liz Anne? 127 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,471 You calling the cops? 128 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,104 No. 129 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,973 That's a goddamned cop? 130 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,908 No, I swear. I was just on with an account holder, 131 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,076 [Liz Anne] I was advising him about-- 132 00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,377 [Armed Gunman] I'm gonna kill you, bitch. 133 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,379 [Liz Anne grunts] 134 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,781 Who the fuck is this, you a cop? 135 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,583 Mmm-hmm. 136 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,751 Yeah, what I would recommend is that you keep at least 500 in your checking, 137 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,419 just to avoid a minimum balance fee, 138 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,888 and put the rest in a money market, 139 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,756 which will earn you an additional ah, two percent interest. 140 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,992 Three percent, if you keep your account open for 3,000. 141 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,159 Right. 142 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,227 You have a nice day, sir. 143 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,328 My pleasure. 144 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,563 And feel free to call us back anytime, 145 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:13,667 if you have ah, any other questions. 146 00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,903 [Liz Anne sighs] 147 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,105 Uh. 148 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,239 Liz Anne, uh. 149 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,474 Sorry. 150 00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:22,342 My-my bad. 151 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:23,010 That's okay. 152 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,945 A honest mistake. 153 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,515 Armed Gunman. 154 00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:32,252 I've been watching you and I-I must say, I'm impressed. 155 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,022 How'd you like to be our new Customer Services Supervisor? 156 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,990 [Armed Gunman gasps] Mr. P.! 157 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,759 It'd be my mothafucking honor. 158 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,662 [cheesy sitcom music plays *] 159 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,376 Happy birthday! 160 00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:59,112 It's your special day! 161 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:06,954 [**] 162 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,222 Okay, we're gonna get you an annuity for 12 years on that one. 163 00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,124 I'll get you, I'll get you eight percent on that one. 164 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,826 [ominous music plays *] Everybody down now! 165 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,394 [Armed Gunman Get the fuck down! Everybody! 166 00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:15,328 Give me all your money. 167 00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,497 Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up! 168 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:18,966 What'd you doing? Playing back there? 169 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,701 Hurry up! 170 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,169 Hurry the fuck up! 171 00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:23,704 Hurry up, bitch. 172 00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,873 Put the money in the bag. All of it! 173 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,809 Load up the bag up with money and nobody else fucking moves. 174 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:29,743 You hurry up! 175 00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,211 Hurry the fuck up! 176 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,213 Load the bag up. Load the bag-- 177 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,081 [Armed Gunman 178 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,916 [people scream] 179 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,084 [silence] 180 00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,886 You sicken me. 181 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,254 Asking for a handout. 182 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:45,926 Instead of raising yourself up out of your situation through hard work. 183 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,095 Why don't you get a job, like the rest of us? 184 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:52,032 [news jingle plays *] 185 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:57,337 According to statistics, 87% of U.S. citizens are obese. 186 00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:01,341 And the Surgeon General is taking steps to address the problem. 187 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,044 As a result of the rampant spread of obesity in the U.S., 188 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,046 the government has been forced to raise 189 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:11,118 the definition of obesity from 55% body fat to 90%. 190 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:16,223 The move, which reduces the number of obese Americans from 200 million to 185 million 191 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:19,392 was widely applauded from coast to coast. 192 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,261 It's high time the government stepped in 193 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,363 and did something about this problem. 194 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,898 I don't wanna be obese. 195 00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:27,200 Man, this shit is all fucked up. 196 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,703 In other news, Georgia officials announced plans 197 00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:32,139 to add a swastika and middle finger 198 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,707 to the Georgia state flag. 199 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:37,911 [news jingle *] 200 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:41,882 In technology news, television watching has become even more convenient 201 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:46,586 with Sony's introduction of a new remote control, remote control. 202 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,489 Damn! I'm gonna get me one of them, mothafuckers. 203 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:52,159 In what is being called the end of an era, 204 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:55,929 the nation's last English restaurant closed today. 205 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:59,933 Joe's Dinner, an unusual Atlantic-area eatery 206 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:04,905 was not based around any sports, music, or movie-based theme-- 207 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,574 Have you spoken to Norm about the changes? - Not yet. 208 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,077 He's not gonna be happy. 209 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,345 I know but he's got no choice. 210 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,915 [ominous music plays *] 211 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:21,121 Whatever the new parent company says, goes. 212 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,990 Hey. 213 00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:26,626 Melissa Cherry is America's biggest pop sensation. 214 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:30,964 Selling millions of records to her legions of teenage fans. 215 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,702 But is this young singer sending the wrong message? 216 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,536 Kip Kendall reports. 217 00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:39,006 [pop music plays *] Her new album, "Come with Me", 218 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:43,376 has gone quadruple platinum and made her a household name. 219 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:48,281 * Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat * 220 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:52,786 * And when you hold my hand oh, I can hardly speak * 221 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:55,188 * Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees... 222 00:10:55,222 --> 00:11:01,028 But some concerned parents think Melissa Cherry's image in music are too sexy, 223 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:04,031 setting an inappropriate example for their children. 224 00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:07,968 So, what do you say to all the concerned parents out there? 225 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,336 Well, Kip. 226 00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:12,405 I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about. 227 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,708 My music isn't about sex. 228 00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:16,810 It's about being a girl. 229 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,645 And having fun. 230 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:23,316 But clearly the song "Down on My Knees", Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it? 231 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,484 Ew! 232 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:25,919 It's about how like, 233 00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,555 when you have a big crush on a boy, 234 00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:32,425 sometimes you get down on your knees and like, beg for their love. 235 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:33,593 [* Melissa Cherry: "Down on my Knees"] 236 00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:39,232 * Don't tell much stuff I need to show... 237 00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:42,702 What about your first big hit? "Take Me from Behind"? 238 00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:46,606 "Take Me from Behind" isn't sexual at all. 239 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:50,577 It's about love's sneaking up on you, you know? 240 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,679 Like from the behind? 241 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,348 You know, it could be a boyfriend's love sneaking up on you? 242 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,117 Or a friend's? 243 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,052 Or even Jesus Christ's. 244 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,454 [* Melissa Cherry: "Take Me from Behind"] 245 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,723 * Take me from behind 246 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,692 [singing non-lexical vocables] * Oh, yeah 247 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,594 [singing non-lexical vocables] * Oh, yeah 248 00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,129 [singing non-lexical vocables] 249 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:12,399 * Mmm, oh, oh, oh 250 00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,301 * Oh, when you love me [singing non-lexical vocables] 251 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,970 * You know that I don't mind * You know 252 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,872 * What I really want is for you * 253 00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:22,910 * to take me from behind, Yeah.. 254 00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:27,214 Let's talk about the song, "Lollipop Love". 255 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:34,121 "Lollipop Love" is a kind of love that is just really sweet 256 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,257 and you just kind wanna like, lick it, you know? 257 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,391 And suck it. 258 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,560 [* Melissa Cherry: "Lollipop Love"] 259 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,294 * Lollipop 260 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,729 * Hey, yeah 261 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,564 * Lollipop 262 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:48,735 * Love lolli-la! 263 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:52,739 * Love lolli-la! Hey, baby * 264 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,910 * Lolli-lolli-lolli-lolli pop, pop, oh * 265 00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:59,479 * Lollipop Love 266 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:03,416 Like a lollipop! ["Lollipop Love" fades out] 267 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:07,420 What about the song "Shoot Your Love All Over Me?" 268 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:11,791 That's about, how like, when you're in love, 269 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,660 you just want to be covered in it. 270 00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:18,031 [* Melissa Cherry: "Shoot Your Love All Over Me"] 271 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:21,835 * Oh, drown me in a milky sea 272 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:25,338 * Love all over me 273 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:27,707 Clearly, the video seems to be tell a different story. 274 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:30,010 What kind is that? 275 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,712 The kind with ah, cum shot. 276 00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:33,947 [Melissa] I'm a virgin! 277 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,683 How would I know what a facial is? 278 00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,186 Sometimes, I like dressing up sexy in my videos 279 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:42,355 but that's just my way of celebrating being a woman. 280 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:44,391 You know, people are always gonna try to tear you down, 281 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,060 but that's their problem, not mine. 282 00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:51,664 Because I know who Melissa Cherry is. 283 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:55,635 She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl from Monroe, Tennessee. 284 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:59,239 [news jingle plays *] 285 00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:02,876 The Pope condemned three more glands today, 286 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:08,548 bringing the total number of sinful hormones secretion ducts on the human body to 11. 287 00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,017 [swoosh] 288 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,751 In international news, [squeaking] 289 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:17,390 relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan continued to deteriorate 290 00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:21,828 when Asmenistany rebels seized-- 291 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,031 [penguin playing fanfare *] 292 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,039 [squeaking] 293 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,008 [co-worker] Hey, Norm. 294 00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:40,080 [suspenseful music plays *] 295 00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:41,881 [coworker Hey, Norm! Okay. 296 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,250 [coworker Oh, there goes Norm again. 297 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,385 [coworker Probably pissed. 298 00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:48,855 [**] 299 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,025 [intense music plays *] 300 00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:55,628 [multiple phones ring] 301 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,438 Oh, hey, Norm. What's up? 302 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,640 Hey, Norman. 303 00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:11,911 What the hell was that? 304 00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:15,082 We'd ah, been meaning to talk to you about that, um. 305 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,916 It's Globby. [squeak] 306 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,786 It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin. 307 00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:23,556 The folks at Global Tetrahedron thought he'd be, you know, fun, unobtrusive way 308 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,925 to plug the company during the news. 309 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:28,996 Plus you gotta admit, he's pretty fucking cute. 310 00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,463 [squeak] [in a high-pitched voice] Hi, Norm! 311 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,665 Who's the best anchorman in the whole world? 312 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,134 You are. 313 00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,169 Come on, Norman. 314 00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:38,571 You gotta get with the times, mate. 315 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,274 This kind of tie-ins are commonplace this days. 316 00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:44,777 [in a high-pitched voice] It's called synergy, Norm. 317 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:50,850 We cannot have a shameless ad for our parent company running during the newscast. 318 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,285 [squeak] It's a blatant compromise 319 00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:58,191 of our journalistic ethics and integrity. 320 00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:01,528 Sorry, it's just that, um. 321 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,096 You know, what-what you're saying-- 322 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:06,966 It's just a steaming pot of shit, mate. 323 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,835 Norm, listen. 324 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:12,672 What he's trying to say is it's ah, uh-- 325 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:13,640 It's... [**] 326 00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:14,374 [infomercial announcer] ...hilarious! 327 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,043 It's off-the-wall! 328 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:19,112 It's rude, crude and uncensored. 329 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:22,982 It's the very best of "Bud Schwartz's Celebrity Roast." 330 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:26,286 Rawley Ingersoll should get cancer and die! 331 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,655 [percussion sting] [laughter] 332 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,157 [infomercial announcer] All the top names in the business 333 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,359 turn out to give each other the business. 334 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:34,827 Jack Morton, you're a fucking asshole. 335 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:35,695 [percussion sting] [laughter] 336 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,397 You'll get all the zingers. 337 00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,999 Fuck you! 338 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,901 All the comebacks. 339 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:45,238 Suck my dick! [boing] 340 00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:49,742 [whistling] 341 00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:52,079 [infomercial announcer] For just $99.99, you'll get the full length video 342 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:55,248 of the best of "Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roast" delivered straight to your door. 343 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:56,516 But wait! 344 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,918 If you order by credit card in the next 15 minutes, 345 00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:04,057 we'll thrown in a second video where the stars turn the tables and roast Bud himself. 346 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,825 You know what I think you are? 347 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,560 A fucking piece of shit! 348 00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:09,429 [percussion sting] [laughter] 349 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,997 New tapes will arrive every other month. 350 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,532 Keep only those you like 351 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,767 and return the rest for a full refund! [bell dings] 352 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,603 Order today! 353 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:20,673 I fucked his wife! 354 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:21,608 In the ass! 355 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,876 [whistling] 356 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,245 Oh! 357 00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,747 [jazz music ends] 358 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,616 [infomercial announcer] More "Onion News" after this. 359 00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:34,387 [dramatic music plays *] 360 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,256 [film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, 361 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,226 Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher". 362 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,460 [hard rock music plays *] 363 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:41,394 Awesome! 364 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:46,399 [gunshots in background] 365 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,435 Decadent, immoral, Western film! 366 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:52,105 [**] 367 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,039 Oh! 368 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,040 [gunshots] 369 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,942 [faint screaming] 370 00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,076 Awesome! 371 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,912 [**] 372 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:09,489 Decadent, immoral, Western film! 373 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,892 [film narrator] "Cockpuncher." 374 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,495 [television static] 375 00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,930 [zing] [Middle Eastern music plays *] 376 00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:19,466 [whoosh] 377 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,169 [narrator] Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team, 378 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,504 this training video will teach you: 379 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,506 what angry slogans to scream, 380 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:29,075 [screams in foreign language] 381 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,478 [narrator] how to blend-in to a typical American city, 382 00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,813 [laughs] Yeah. 383 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,015 [training video narrator] and so much more. 384 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,485 Here are Ahmed and Ahman. 385 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:41,120 They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different. 386 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,590 Ahmed knows punctuality is important. 387 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,626 He made sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site. 388 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,628 [shouting in foreign language] 389 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,463 [ding] 390 00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:53,300 Ahman leaves everything to the last minute. 391 00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:53,700 [Ahman] Oh, shit! 392 00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,768 [buzzer] 393 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,171 [training video narrator] Ahmed double-checks the address of the bombing site, 394 00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,972 so they are no mistakes. [bing] 395 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:03,476 Ahman doesn't. 396 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,277 [Ahman] Oh, shit! 397 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,545 [buzzer] 398 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,880 [training video narrator] Ahmed dresses properly for work, 399 00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:11,484 wearing clothing [bing] that is loose enough to hide his explosives. 400 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:15,555 Ahman dresses inappropriately. [buzzer] 401 00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:16,889 Oh! 402 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,125 [training video narrator] And don't forget, as a martyr, 403 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:24,364 you'll receive the eternal life in paradise for you and 100 of your relatives. 404 00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:27,634 You'll be blessed with unlimited sex from 72 virgins. 405 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,068 Awesome! 406 00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:32,572 [fairytale dust sound] $35 U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed. 407 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,073 Awesome! 408 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,243 [narrator] So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team. 409 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:39,145 Where work is truly a blast. [bong] 410 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,713 [bing] 411 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:44,217 [Middle Eastern music plays *] 412 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,085 [error buzz] 413 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,920 Oh, shit. 414 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:50,022 [beep] [beep] 415 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:51,758 [shouting in foreign language] 416 00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,560 [buzzer goes off] 417 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:56,263 Oh, shit! 418 00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,030 You gonna call Sarah? - Yeah. 419 00:19:58,064 --> 00:19:59,399 Hey, you guys! 420 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,199 Hey. - How's it going? 421 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,234 What took you so long? 422 00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:02,669 I was playing "Suicide Bomber". 423 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,103 Have you heard from Tim tonight? - No. - Mm-hmm. 424 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,006 Nah? That's weird. 425 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:07,574 He's gonna call Sarah. 426 00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:08,941 Oh! 427 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:11,578 [hip hop music plays *] [Tommy] Yeah, yeah! 428 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,747 What's up players? 429 00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,916 Lakeshore blood represent! 430 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,084 Yeah! 431 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:22,522 Show some love, fool. 432 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,223 Hey, Timmy. 433 00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:26,058 Damn! 434 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,260 Little J? 435 00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:34,200 You are looking mad fly, boo. 436 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,702 You feel me? 437 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,137 Sure, Tim. 438 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:42,442 I just bounced from this mad, crazy, ill party, dude. 439 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:46,313 I was hanging out with this niggas over at Pleasant Oaks and shit. 440 00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:50,317 You were hanging out with the real black people? 441 00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:54,454 No, but there was blasting some crazy, fat beats, son. 442 00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:57,424 There was pouring out some Cristal, 443 00:20:57,457 --> 00:21:01,160 breaking off some indo smoke. 444 00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:01,994 You know what I'm saying? 445 00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,830 Just wilding out. 446 00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,835 Yeah. 447 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,904 Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos, you all straight? 448 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,673 Yeah? All right. 449 00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:16,976 [woman on police radio] Code two, code two, intersection of 12th and Grand. 450 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:18,811 [policeman] We have visual confirmation on the suspect. 451 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,114 [man on police radio] Uh, this is unit one. 452 00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:23,850 Hit it. 453 00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:25,685 [woman on police radio] All possible units, please respond. 454 00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:27,987 [man on police radio] Uh, you know, one William Fort professing a, ah-- 455 00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:29,489 [police car accelerates] 456 00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,257 And this booty that was like, this is for that-- 457 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,525 [police siren] 458 00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:35,995 [woman chatting on police radio] 459 00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:37,296 Dude, what the fuck is this? 460 00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:39,432 [man chatting on police radio] 461 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:40,967 [Little J] What's going on, officers? 462 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,835 The arm store down the road was just held up 463 00:21:42,869 --> 00:21:46,038 by a young, black male fitting your friend's description. 464 00:21:46,072 --> 00:21:48,608 What the--? 465 00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:49,842 What are you, what are you talking about? 466 00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:51,277 It-it wasn't me. 467 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,312 No? Not you? - No. 468 00:21:53,346 --> 00:21:57,016 Hey Frank, you see any other young, black males here in Lakeshore Bluff? 469 00:21:57,049 --> 00:21:58,651 Don't see any. 470 00:21:58,685 --> 00:21:59,652 What? 471 00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:01,721 In the car, darkie. 472 00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:03,189 [Timothy] But I'm-I'm not black. 473 00:22:03,222 --> 00:22:04,491 I'm white. 474 00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:05,725 My whole family's white. 475 00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:08,661 My dad's Irish and my mom's Norwegian. 476 00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:10,563 We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church. 477 00:22:10,597 --> 00:22:12,899 Where I-I-I help with the bake sale every Sunday. 478 00:22:12,932 --> 00:22:14,501 Settle down back there, chocolate. 479 00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:19,205 Stand right over here. 480 00:22:19,238 --> 00:22:20,239 Don't worry about anything. 481 00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,475 Nobody can see you. 482 00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:27,514 Now, I just want you to point to the perpetuator for me. 483 00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:29,882 Him. 484 00:22:29,916 --> 00:22:35,722 Okay, now for legal purposes, just tell me exactly who you're pointing to. 485 00:22:35,755 --> 00:22:37,424 That... 486 00:22:37,457 --> 00:22:39,992 ... Negro. 487 00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:41,394 Okay, thanks. You can go. 488 00:22:49,068 --> 00:22:50,703 [whispering] This is Dana Dobbs here at Lakeshore Bluff, 489 00:22:50,737 --> 00:22:51,938 where any second now, 490 00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:57,410 we'll hear the verdict in the Timothy Shanaham case. 491 00:22:57,444 --> 00:23:01,180 [judge] Will the defendant please rise? 492 00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:02,782 [drumroll] 493 00:23:02,815 --> 00:23:06,052 Ladies and gentlemen, have you reached the verdict? 494 00:23:06,085 --> 00:23:07,554 Yes, we have, Your Honor. 495 00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:10,289 We, the jury, find the Negro... 496 00:23:10,322 --> 00:23:12,425 Guilty. [crowd gasps] 497 00:23:12,459 --> 00:23:13,426 [whispering] There you have it. 498 00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:15,361 The Negro is guilty. 499 00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,863 It's not right. 500 00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:19,766 [news jingle plays *] 501 00:23:19,799 --> 00:23:20,800 [classical music plays *] [film projector spinning] 502 00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:25,137 Welcome to "Focus on Film" with Kenneth Garber. 503 00:23:25,171 --> 00:23:26,138 [Kenneth Garber] Hello. 504 00:23:26,172 --> 00:23:27,940 We are now a good way through the film. 505 00:23:27,974 --> 00:23:31,611 So, we thought it would be a good time to get some perspective on it 506 00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:34,481 and joining us to provide just that 507 00:23:34,514 --> 00:23:37,484 are Nicholas Van Essen and Raymond Marcus. 508 00:23:37,517 --> 00:23:42,321 Offer us, if you will, your take on how the film is doing thus far. 509 00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:46,926 Well, I'll have to say Kenneth, that I am very impressed. 510 00:23:46,959 --> 00:23:50,429 Sketch after sketch, we're being treated to a... 511 00:23:50,463 --> 00:23:54,934 brilliantly biting skewering of contemporary social lores. 512 00:23:54,967 --> 00:23:57,169 I mean, this is poignant social satire 513 00:23:57,203 --> 00:24:01,440 in the grand tradition of-of Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain. 514 00:24:01,474 --> 00:24:02,308 Humph. 515 00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:04,410 Well, Raymond what do you think? 516 00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:05,512 I'm sorry. 517 00:24:05,545 --> 00:24:08,014 I must strenuously disagree. - Ah. 518 00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:13,285 This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow, potty humor thinly disguised as satire. 519 00:24:13,319 --> 00:24:15,121 It saddens me that "The Onion" 520 00:24:15,154 --> 00:24:17,323 has stooped to this lowest, common denominator, 521 00:24:17,356 --> 00:24:20,359 pandering to the masses. - Humph. 522 00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:24,997 Well, now for a third opinion, lets go straight to the source. 523 00:24:25,031 --> 00:24:30,136 We have with us here in the studio, a very special guest. 524 00:24:30,169 --> 00:24:34,507 Welcome, The Masses. 525 00:24:34,541 --> 00:24:36,776 So, what do you think of the film? 526 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:39,779 It's pretty cool so far, I guess. 527 00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:41,848 That "Cockpuncher" dude is awesome. 528 00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:44,684 Bam! Right in the balls. 529 00:24:44,717 --> 00:24:47,353 Oh, and Melissa Cherry. 530 00:24:47,386 --> 00:24:50,857 She's fucking hot, right? 531 00:24:50,890 --> 00:24:54,060 They need to do more cool shit like that. 532 00:24:54,093 --> 00:25:00,132 But this part, with this film expert assholes, boring! 533 00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:03,870 I mean, why do you even have this two gaywads in the movie for, anyways? 534 00:25:03,903 --> 00:25:05,905 Fags! 535 00:25:05,938 --> 00:25:07,039 Loser 'em. 536 00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:09,809 Let's get on with the movie, dude. 537 00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:12,912 [chanting] Party! 538 00:25:12,945 --> 00:25:13,846 Woo! 539 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,514 Yeah! 540 00:25:15,548 --> 00:25:19,852 Fuck yeah, you fucking faggots! 541 00:25:19,886 --> 00:25:21,187 Yeah. 542 00:25:21,220 --> 00:25:22,655 Food for thought. 543 00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:24,223 Well. 544 00:25:24,256 --> 00:25:25,592 Back to the film. 545 00:25:25,625 --> 00:25:27,493 [cruise music plays *] Gentlemen, 546 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:32,899 experience the majestic splendor of a cruise aboard the luxurious Queen Nathan II. 547 00:25:32,932 --> 00:25:34,834 On the Queen Nathan, there's so much 548 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:37,236 for today's gay men to enjoy. 549 00:25:37,269 --> 00:25:39,238 Shuffleboard. 550 00:25:39,271 --> 00:25:41,107 Exquisite cuisine. 551 00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:42,942 Monster cocks. 552 00:25:42,975 --> 00:25:45,745 Grab a pole and go deep sea fishing. 553 00:25:45,778 --> 00:25:48,781 Work those muscles in our shipboard gym. 554 00:25:48,815 --> 00:25:51,217 Enjoy our world class spa, 555 00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:54,520 or take a thrilling Las Vegas-style review. 556 00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:57,556 Yes, whether you want to scuba dive, get blown, 557 00:25:57,590 --> 00:25:59,959 or play blackjack in our glamorous casino, 558 00:25:59,992 --> 00:26:02,729 the Queen Nathan II is what you're looking for. 559 00:26:02,762 --> 00:26:06,298 So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II. 560 00:26:06,332 --> 00:26:09,101 That-that-that is not right. That's not right. 561 00:26:09,135 --> 00:26:10,970 [TV narrator] And now is time for 562 00:26:11,003 --> 00:26:13,439 "Little Known Racial Stereotypes." 563 00:26:13,472 --> 00:26:16,809 Yes, everyone knows that Italians are all monsters. 564 00:26:16,843 --> 00:26:19,145 And Native Americans are all drunks. 565 00:26:19,178 --> 00:26:23,215 But did you know that blacks love taffy? 566 00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:27,553 It's also true that Eskimos run all the locksmith shops. 567 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,657 The Irish have enormous nipples, 568 00:26:30,690 --> 00:26:34,961 and Puerto Ricans can dangle from steel beams for hours at a time. 569 00:26:34,994 --> 00:26:36,929 [construction worker] Damn, that's unbelievable. 570 00:26:36,963 --> 00:26:38,264 How does he doe that? 571 00:26:38,297 --> 00:26:39,899 Uh, he's a Puerto Rican. 572 00:26:39,932 --> 00:26:46,005 Also, did you know that the Dutch enjoy speaking with telemarketers? 573 00:26:46,038 --> 00:26:48,808 It's a special credit card offer? 574 00:26:48,841 --> 00:26:52,979 Peruvians love to swoop in and save the day at the last minute. 575 00:26:53,012 --> 00:26:56,082 And they can shoot laser beams out of their eyes. 576 00:26:56,115 --> 00:27:00,319 And of course, all Arabs are terrorists. 577 00:27:00,352 --> 00:27:02,288 Ah, stereotypes. 578 00:27:02,321 --> 00:27:04,323 Can you imagine a world without them? 579 00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:07,794 According to a new U.N. factoid finding mission, 580 00:27:07,827 --> 00:27:12,364 the African mission of Liberia, is about the size of Tennessee. 581 00:27:12,398 --> 00:27:16,535 The mission also found that Liberia is home to 200 species of birds, 582 00:27:16,568 --> 00:27:18,771 including the bee warbler. 583 00:27:18,805 --> 00:27:22,474 A bird only slightly larger than a bee. 584 00:27:22,508 --> 00:27:28,480 [**] 585 00:27:28,514 --> 00:27:30,382 [doorbell rings] 586 00:27:30,416 --> 00:27:31,317 [woman] Okay! 587 00:27:31,350 --> 00:27:39,025 That must be our final player. 588 00:27:39,058 --> 00:27:40,126 Hi, Julie! 589 00:27:40,159 --> 00:27:40,827 Hi. 590 00:27:40,860 --> 00:27:41,994 Welcome! 591 00:27:42,028 --> 00:27:43,696 You house is so lovely. 592 00:27:43,730 --> 00:27:45,832 Oh, thank you! Come on in. 593 00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:51,070 Everybody, this is Julie. Pretty cute, huh? 594 00:27:51,103 --> 00:27:52,404 Have a seat. 595 00:27:52,438 --> 00:27:54,306 So I understand this is your first who-done-it party? 596 00:27:54,340 --> 00:27:55,808 Ah! You are going to have so much fun! 597 00:27:55,842 --> 00:27:56,743 Okay. 598 00:27:56,776 --> 00:27:58,745 With any luck, by the end of the night, 599 00:27:58,778 --> 00:28:00,980 we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed. 600 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:05,017 Anyone of us could be the rapist! 601 00:28:05,051 --> 00:28:08,320 I'm sorry, did you say "rapist?" 602 00:28:08,354 --> 00:28:10,389 Yeah, yeah I did. 603 00:28:10,422 --> 00:28:14,160 Don't this things usually revolve around um, um, murder? 604 00:28:14,193 --> 00:28:17,029 Yeah, Julie, see, we do this every few months 605 00:28:17,063 --> 00:28:21,067 and frankly we were getting... a little bored with murder 606 00:28:21,100 --> 00:28:22,568 so I was like "I don't know, 607 00:28:22,601 --> 00:28:25,271 isn't there some other violent crime we can re-enact?" 608 00:28:25,304 --> 00:28:29,742 And I'm in the store the other day, and I find this. 609 00:28:29,776 --> 00:28:33,112 How fantastic is that? 610 00:28:33,145 --> 00:28:37,716 So anyway Julie, since you are new, lucky Julie, 611 00:28:37,750 --> 00:28:42,121 you get to be [sings] the victim. 612 00:28:42,154 --> 00:28:43,689 Okay? 613 00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:46,125 [quiet clapping and cheering] 614 00:28:46,158 --> 00:28:47,093 So once you put this on. 615 00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:48,194 Hop up. 616 00:28:48,227 --> 00:28:50,296 Okay, so here's what's gonna happen. 617 00:28:50,329 --> 00:28:54,633 The lights are gonna go out, so you lie down on the floor 618 00:28:54,666 --> 00:28:57,403 we're all gonna come running in but you're gonna be unconscious. 619 00:28:57,436 --> 00:28:59,371 So you stay down there. 620 00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:02,574 Don't you think this is a little... sick? 621 00:29:02,608 --> 00:29:03,742 Oh, sweetie! It's all in fun. 622 00:29:03,776 --> 00:29:06,278 No one's actually raping you one. 623 00:29:06,312 --> 00:29:07,479 [laughter] 624 00:29:07,513 --> 00:29:09,081 [laughs] I mean, 625 00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:10,983 You wouldn't have a problem with a murderistic game, now would ya? 626 00:29:11,017 --> 00:29:12,718 No, I guess not. 627 00:29:12,751 --> 00:29:16,823 Yeah, so why would you object to a game revolving around a lesser crime 628 00:29:16,856 --> 00:29:18,757 where no one even loses their life? 629 00:29:18,791 --> 00:29:19,625 Wait, it's just a-- 630 00:29:19,658 --> 00:29:20,592 Oh, it's just a jest! 631 00:29:20,626 --> 00:29:22,061 Come on, guys. 632 00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:24,130 Let's play the game. 633 00:29:24,163 --> 00:29:28,400 Get your cards, okay. 634 00:29:28,434 --> 00:29:29,135 [clears throat] 635 00:29:29,168 --> 00:29:30,569 Is it in? 636 00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:31,904 You got that on, sweetie? 637 00:29:31,938 --> 00:29:34,106 Okay, get down the floor, get down the floor. 638 00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:35,074 Ready for a raping? 639 00:29:35,107 --> 00:29:36,943 [laughs nervously] 640 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,582 [harp scale plays *] 641 00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:44,683 [door slams open] 642 00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:46,018 [female voice] Oh, no! 643 00:29:46,052 --> 00:29:48,287 Please don't rape me! [zipper opens] 644 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:49,355 [male voice] Come on, you bitch! 645 00:29:49,388 --> 00:29:52,024 [female voice] No, no, please, Mr. Raperman. 646 00:29:52,058 --> 00:29:52,992 [male voice] Oh, fuck off! 647 00:29:53,025 --> 00:29:54,326 [female voice screams] [clothing rips] 648 00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:59,198 [female voice] No, no! Oh, no, what are you doing? 649 00:29:59,231 --> 00:30:00,699 [male voice] Shut up! 650 00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:02,268 [female voice] No! No! 651 00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:03,369 [slap] [male voice] Do not-- 652 00:30:03,402 --> 00:30:04,703 [female voice shouting] 653 00:30:04,736 --> 00:30:05,838 [male voice] Shut up! [slaps] 654 00:30:05,872 --> 00:30:08,607 [female voice screams] [bones crack] 655 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:13,479 [mysterious music plays *] 656 00:30:13,512 --> 00:30:15,614 What? - Wow. 657 00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:16,448 Oh, oh. 658 00:30:16,482 --> 00:30:18,817 What happened here? 659 00:30:18,851 --> 00:30:20,652 Um, oh, no. Um, hang on. 660 00:30:20,686 --> 00:30:22,521 Uh, oh, no! 661 00:30:22,554 --> 00:30:25,491 The sweet, innocent, young daughter of mayor Louis has been raped. 662 00:30:25,524 --> 00:30:26,658 Lock the door! 663 00:30:26,692 --> 00:30:29,361 No one is leaving until we figure out who did it. 664 00:30:29,395 --> 00:30:30,963 That's excellent. - Thanks, man. 665 00:30:30,997 --> 00:30:32,498 [clears throat loudly] 666 00:30:32,531 --> 00:30:37,136 Uh, do not forget that you are a suspect, too, Officer Wilson. 667 00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:39,238 Um. - That's right. 668 00:30:39,271 --> 00:30:42,541 Um... who committed this rape? 669 00:30:42,574 --> 00:30:43,876 Humph? 670 00:30:43,910 --> 00:30:47,579 Was it... the creepy uncle? 671 00:30:47,613 --> 00:30:51,250 The handsome, young, Ivy league, fraternity brother 672 00:30:51,283 --> 00:30:56,522 who's used to getting what and who he wants? 673 00:30:56,555 --> 00:30:59,225 Um, the prisoner, just released on parole? 674 00:30:59,258 --> 00:31:02,694 That's me. - You look nice. - Thank you. 675 00:31:02,728 --> 00:31:05,831 Or, the vaguely hermaphroditic night nurse 676 00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:07,599 from the senior center just down the block. 677 00:31:07,633 --> 00:31:08,567 [hostess] Uh! 678 00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:09,735 It's so creepy! 679 00:31:09,768 --> 00:31:11,003 [squeals] Okay! Come on. 680 00:31:11,037 --> 00:31:12,038 Let's play, let's play. 681 00:31:15,207 --> 00:31:17,343 [hostess] Okay. 682 00:31:17,376 --> 00:31:18,945 Who's got an alibi card? - Uh! - Anyone? 683 00:31:18,978 --> 00:31:19,946 I've got one. 684 00:31:19,979 --> 00:31:22,581 Oh, okay. 685 00:31:22,614 --> 00:31:24,783 I was with my wife, 686 00:31:24,816 --> 00:31:28,955 besides, that bitch has been making up stories since she was four! 687 00:31:28,988 --> 00:31:31,357 You can't believe anything she says! 688 00:31:31,390 --> 00:31:32,925 I don't doubt it! 689 00:31:32,959 --> 00:31:36,562 I have 22 fraternity brothers who will vouch that I was with them. 690 00:31:36,595 --> 00:31:37,696 [fake evil laugh] 691 00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:39,932 Oh, I bet you do! 692 00:31:39,966 --> 00:31:41,367 Okay, time to spin! 693 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:42,901 Whoa. Julie. 694 00:31:42,935 --> 00:31:43,869 Uh? What? 695 00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:45,804 I know this is your first time, 696 00:31:45,837 --> 00:31:47,239 but you're not acting very raped. 697 00:31:47,273 --> 00:31:48,941 Okay. 698 00:31:48,975 --> 00:31:51,377 Oh, no, no, Julie. You can't stand up, you just been raped! 699 00:31:51,410 --> 00:31:56,915 Uh, yeah, the rapist has shattered your pelvis with a baseball bat. 700 00:31:56,949 --> 00:31:58,817 Um, I'm leaving. 701 00:31:58,850 --> 00:32:00,552 Wha--? What? 702 00:32:00,586 --> 00:32:02,321 Where are you going? 703 00:32:02,354 --> 00:32:03,922 Shouldn't-- Come-- 704 00:32:03,956 --> 00:32:07,093 Julie! What? 705 00:32:07,126 --> 00:32:11,330 Now, what? 706 00:32:11,363 --> 00:32:13,899 I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me. 707 00:32:13,932 --> 00:32:15,734 [guests laugh] Not me. 708 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:21,307 ["How to Host a Rape" recording plays in background *] 709 00:32:21,340 --> 00:32:23,242 Taffy. 710 00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:25,811 God-fucking blacks! Uh! 711 00:32:25,844 --> 00:32:29,515 [news jingle *] 712 00:32:29,548 --> 00:32:33,285 The nation's anti-tobacco lobby won another victory today, 713 00:32:33,319 --> 00:32:37,689 when Congress passed legislation restricting smoking within U.S. borders, 714 00:32:37,723 --> 00:32:40,126 to a single room in Iowa. 715 00:32:40,159 --> 00:32:42,928 Traffic was backed-up from Nevada all the way to Iowa, 716 00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:45,264 as smokers tried to get to the lounge. [cars honking] 717 00:32:45,297 --> 00:32:48,700 Move the car, you old, fucking bitch! 718 00:32:48,734 --> 00:32:51,503 Smokers from across the country are making the long journey 719 00:32:51,537 --> 00:32:55,441 to the ten by ten smokers' lounge in Des Moines, Iowa. 720 00:32:55,474 --> 00:32:57,343 I drove all the way from San Francisco 721 00:32:57,376 --> 00:33:00,112 just to sneak a smoke-in on my lunch break. 722 00:33:00,146 --> 00:33:02,714 I'm supposed to be back at work in ten minutes. 723 00:33:02,748 --> 00:33:04,650 It's 37 hour drive. 724 00:33:04,683 --> 00:33:06,352 It's fucking bullshit. 725 00:33:06,385 --> 00:33:08,154 In legal news, 726 00:33:08,187 --> 00:33:10,856 a judge has declared local aerobics instructor 727 00:33:10,889 --> 00:33:13,292 and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter, 728 00:33:13,325 --> 00:33:15,894 "too fit to stand trial." 729 00:33:15,927 --> 00:33:19,031 Judge Edwards Collin, said that the suspect, 730 00:33:19,065 --> 00:33:22,201 with her washboard abs and powerful leg muscles 731 00:33:22,234 --> 00:33:28,240 is of "too-sound body" to be tried for the killing of her ex-lover. 732 00:33:28,274 --> 00:33:30,076 [man on TV] We're the new guys in town. 733 00:33:30,109 --> 00:33:33,379 We're Peen-out. America's penis recovery professionals. 734 00:33:33,412 --> 00:33:35,814 Local sculptor, Thomas Miller, 735 00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:41,220 is under fire by feminist leaders for turning women into objects. 736 00:33:41,253 --> 00:33:42,754 The sculpture, who has been called 737 00:33:42,788 --> 00:33:47,493 a sexist, objectifying pig, by women's rights activists, 738 00:33:47,526 --> 00:33:49,595 has reported to turn more than 80 women 739 00:33:49,628 --> 00:33:53,832 into silent, passive, marble sculptures. 740 00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:55,867 [ominous music plays *] 741 00:33:55,901 --> 00:33:59,571 According to a report in this month's issue of the Des Moines' Journal of Medicine-- 742 00:33:59,605 --> 00:34:03,942 [paper rustling] 743 00:34:03,975 --> 00:34:06,912 [music raises in volume *] 744 00:34:06,945 --> 00:34:08,280 [squeaks] 745 00:34:08,314 --> 00:34:11,617 [**] 746 00:34:11,650 --> 00:34:13,419 [music ends abruptly] [heavy breathing] 747 00:34:13,452 --> 00:34:15,787 [Norman Archer] According to a new medical study, 748 00:34:15,821 --> 00:34:18,890 depression hits losers hardest. 749 00:34:18,924 --> 00:34:22,261 The study found that extreme, debilitating depression, 750 00:34:22,294 --> 00:34:26,031 most commonly afflicts those who are total screw-ups. 751 00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:27,799 Who can't do anything right. 752 00:34:27,833 --> 00:34:30,802 [news jingle *] 753 00:34:30,836 --> 00:34:34,806 [* Melissa Cherry: "Down On My Knees"] 754 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:40,279 * Are you ready ? 755 00:34:40,312 --> 00:34:45,117 * Baby when we kiss My heart just skips a beat * 756 00:34:45,151 --> 00:34:49,621 * And when you hold my hand, Oh, I can hardly speak * 757 00:34:49,655 --> 00:34:54,626 * But there's one kind of loving that you can't do face to face * 758 00:34:54,660 --> 00:34:59,565 * Let me give you some affection just below your waist * 759 00:34:59,598 --> 00:35:01,300 * Oh, yeah [hippie] I like that. 760 00:35:01,333 --> 00:35:03,135 * I'm down by my knees for you 761 00:35:03,169 --> 00:35:07,239 * I'm begging this please, for you * 762 00:35:07,273 --> 00:35:11,810 * Got so much love I need to show it * 763 00:35:11,843 --> 00:35:15,747 * It's a big job, Don't want to blow it * 764 00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:17,649 * Oh, yeah 765 00:35:17,683 --> 00:35:18,784 * Oh, yeah 766 00:35:18,817 --> 00:35:22,020 * Oh 767 00:35:22,053 --> 00:35:23,689 * Baby 768 00:35:23,722 --> 00:35:27,859 * Down on my knees, begging please, please * 769 00:35:27,893 --> 00:35:29,761 [film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, 770 00:35:29,795 --> 00:35:31,163 Stephen Seagal is-- 771 00:35:31,197 --> 00:35:33,098 Hey! - Welcome to Vault Village. 772 00:35:33,131 --> 00:35:34,200 My name is Derrick. 773 00:35:34,233 --> 00:35:35,367 What can I help you find today? 774 00:35:35,401 --> 00:35:36,468 Hey Derrick! 775 00:35:36,502 --> 00:35:39,171 Um, my computer is a few years old 776 00:35:39,205 --> 00:35:42,007 and I thought I'm ready for a new one. 777 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:44,310 I got just the thing. 778 00:35:44,343 --> 00:35:46,278 The Bates 4,000. 779 00:35:46,312 --> 00:35:48,214 Absolute cutting edge. 780 00:35:48,247 --> 00:35:49,848 This babies came in on Tuesday. 781 00:35:49,881 --> 00:35:50,982 They're packed, man. 782 00:35:51,016 --> 00:35:53,352 80 G's of RAM 783 00:35:53,385 --> 00:35:56,622 We're talking a quad port 900 processor, 784 00:35:56,655 --> 00:36:00,992 D.B.K. compatible memory card, dual-burning DVD drives, 785 00:36:01,026 --> 00:36:04,630 plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo drive 786 00:36:04,663 --> 00:36:07,299 with a plus four digital upgrade card. 787 00:36:07,333 --> 00:36:11,803 This will knock the shit out of your ass. 788 00:36:11,837 --> 00:36:16,708 Well, I'm just looking for your basic, simple, home computer. 789 00:36:16,742 --> 00:36:20,045 I know, your wife has you by the purse strings, but you know what? 790 00:36:20,078 --> 00:36:22,381 This is the Bates 4,000, it doesn't get any better than this. 791 00:36:22,414 --> 00:36:23,649 It's not going anywhere. 792 00:36:23,682 --> 00:36:25,684 This is the future. 793 00:36:25,717 --> 00:36:28,086 Well, I have the Bates 1,000 and that works-- 794 00:36:28,119 --> 00:36:30,356 [Derrick] Oh, excuse me. You have the Bates 1,000? 795 00:36:30,389 --> 00:36:34,025 Oh, that's great! Fuck man, wow! 796 00:36:34,059 --> 00:36:36,228 You know, maybe you should talk to a homeless woman outside 797 00:36:36,262 --> 00:36:37,863 'cause maybe she'll be impressed. 798 00:36:37,896 --> 00:36:39,531 Those things are barbaric. 799 00:36:39,565 --> 00:36:42,834 I mean, last time I checked, they didn't even have a delete key on it. 800 00:36:42,868 --> 00:36:44,770 I'm-I'm joking, of course. 801 00:36:44,803 --> 00:36:47,606 But look, this the future. You get my point? 802 00:36:47,639 --> 00:36:49,174 Yeah. - Okay? 803 00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:51,076 Let's write you up. 804 00:36:51,109 --> 00:36:53,011 All right. Let's do it. 805 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:54,212 All right, my friend. 806 00:36:58,917 --> 00:37:00,252 Wow, honey. 807 00:37:00,286 --> 00:37:02,721 Are you sure we need such a fancy one? 808 00:37:02,754 --> 00:37:05,023 Yeah, this thing's got a quad port 900 processor 809 00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:07,593 and a 16,000 C.T.D. combo drive with a-- 810 00:37:07,626 --> 00:37:11,297 [young coworker on TV] Dude, you're still not using the Bates 4,000, are you? 811 00:37:11,330 --> 00:37:14,366 [chuckles] That thing's ancient. 812 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:16,568 [older coworker] Really? [younger coworker] Really. 813 00:37:16,602 --> 00:37:18,970 You gotta get you one of these... 814 00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:22,207 [**] the Bates 5,000. 815 00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:24,476 Absolute cutting edge. 816 00:37:24,510 --> 00:37:26,778 [older coworker] Wow! That is newer. 817 00:37:26,812 --> 00:37:28,046 Thanks! 818 00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:29,415 [clicks tongue] 819 00:37:29,448 --> 00:37:31,082 [announcer] The new Bates 5,000! 820 00:37:31,116 --> 00:37:32,984 Throw your 4,000 away. 821 00:37:33,018 --> 00:37:34,152 It's a piece of shit. 822 00:37:34,185 --> 00:37:37,188 [futuristic music plays *] 823 00:37:45,797 --> 00:37:47,299 [radio jingle *] * Hard Drive Hal 824 00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,767 [radio announcer] This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert. 825 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:53,004 My guest today is Bates CEO, Gil Bates. 826 00:37:53,038 --> 00:37:56,308 Now, he's here to talk about perhaps the most powerful machine ever built-- 827 00:37:56,342 --> 00:37:58,176 the Bates 6,000. 828 00:37:58,209 --> 00:38:00,446 And it's available in stores right now. 829 00:38:00,479 --> 00:38:04,416 [wheels screeching] [car honking] 830 00:38:04,450 --> 00:38:05,684 [man yells] Asshole! 831 00:38:12,991 --> 00:38:15,661 Hey, I just dropped off this shipment of the Bates 7,000. 832 00:38:15,694 --> 00:38:18,430 Now, what do you want me to do with the leftover 6,000? 833 00:38:18,464 --> 00:38:20,366 6,000s? 834 00:38:20,399 --> 00:38:22,233 Throw them in the fucking garbage where they belong. 835 00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:26,705 [Bates] That's right! 836 00:38:26,738 --> 00:38:29,140 Twice the memory capacity of the 8,000. 837 00:38:29,174 --> 00:38:30,676 [secretary] Mr. Bates, you have a visitor. 838 00:38:30,709 --> 00:38:31,610 Hang on. 839 00:38:31,643 --> 00:38:32,644 Come in. 840 00:38:32,678 --> 00:38:35,180 Hi. 841 00:38:35,213 --> 00:38:36,382 Huh! 842 00:38:36,415 --> 00:38:39,150 [wheels rolling] 843 00:38:39,184 --> 00:38:40,352 [whistles] 844 00:38:40,386 --> 00:38:41,887 [comedic music plays *] 845 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,723 [dog growls] 846 00:38:44,756 --> 00:38:47,192 [saw starts] 847 00:38:47,225 --> 00:38:49,495 [grunting] 848 00:38:49,528 --> 00:38:51,530 [war cry] 849 00:38:51,563 --> 00:38:53,632 [whip swooshing] 850 00:38:53,665 --> 00:38:55,667 [chanting] Na-na-na-na-nanah! 851 00:38:55,701 --> 00:38:56,835 [raspberry] 852 00:38:56,868 --> 00:39:00,506 Bates was 42. 853 00:39:00,539 --> 00:39:04,242 In other news, after a six month stint at the Betty King clinic, 854 00:39:04,275 --> 00:39:07,345 actor Bryce Brand finally returned home today. 855 00:39:07,379 --> 00:39:09,147 That's right Norm. 856 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:12,484 I'm here outside superstar Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion 857 00:39:12,518 --> 00:39:16,187 where at any moment, he's due to return from his stay at the Betty King clinic. 858 00:39:16,221 --> 00:39:17,088 [car approaching] 859 00:39:17,122 --> 00:39:19,090 Bryce! 860 00:39:19,124 --> 00:39:20,559 [wheels screeching] 861 00:39:23,529 --> 00:39:25,764 Papi Baby! 862 00:39:25,797 --> 00:39:27,866 Bryce. - Papi Baby! 863 00:39:27,899 --> 00:39:31,603 Papi Baby! 864 00:39:31,637 --> 00:39:33,238 I'm back! 865 00:39:33,271 --> 00:39:34,906 You look great. 866 00:39:34,940 --> 00:39:37,876 I cannot tell you how good I feel now 867 00:39:37,909 --> 00:39:42,047 that I'm off the drugs and high on life. [laughs] 868 00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:44,616 [Bryce's manager] Hey. That's what they're saying. [chuckles] 869 00:39:44,650 --> 00:39:46,351 [Bryce] Oh! 870 00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:47,686 Man, 871 00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:51,289 was I a mess! [chuckles] 872 00:39:51,322 --> 00:39:54,059 But all that's changed now that I'm clean and sober. 873 00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:59,798 You know, I never knew how amazing life can be without the haze of drugs. 874 00:39:59,831 --> 00:40:03,535 It's the little things like... 875 00:40:03,569 --> 00:40:05,637 ...smelling flowers. 876 00:40:05,671 --> 00:40:06,638 Humph. 877 00:40:06,672 --> 00:40:08,974 [fantasy music plays *] 878 00:40:09,007 --> 00:40:10,609 Or watching the sunset. 879 00:40:10,642 --> 00:40:13,278 Or just walking along the beach. 880 00:40:13,311 --> 00:40:18,784 You know, this things get me way higher than drugs ever could. 881 00:40:18,817 --> 00:40:20,719 That's great, um, Bryce. 882 00:40:20,752 --> 00:40:24,122 So, we have got a lot of catching up to do with your career. 883 00:40:24,155 --> 00:40:25,591 Now, I brought a script. 884 00:40:25,624 --> 00:40:26,892 It's fantastic. 885 00:40:26,925 --> 00:40:28,760 Actually, your part is comedic. 886 00:40:28,794 --> 00:40:30,829 Uh, it's sort of a Hawaii-- - This can't be real. 887 00:40:30,862 --> 00:40:34,933 It's so amazing! It's blowing my mind, man! 888 00:40:34,966 --> 00:40:35,967 Smell this! 889 00:40:36,001 --> 00:40:37,669 No, thank you. 890 00:40:37,703 --> 00:40:40,138 Though, um, back to the script, again, 891 00:40:40,171 --> 00:40:41,473 [Bryce] Papa! [Bryce's manager] it took a lot to get this-- 892 00:40:41,507 --> 00:40:43,642 One thing sobriety has taught me 893 00:40:43,675 --> 00:40:45,410 is that you have to take time out 894 00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,913 to enjoy life's little pleasures. 895 00:40:47,946 --> 00:40:48,914 [**] 896 00:40:48,947 --> 00:40:50,982 Can you put the tea down for a second? 897 00:40:51,016 --> 00:40:52,818 [**] 898 00:40:52,851 --> 00:40:54,152 Bryce. 899 00:40:54,185 --> 00:40:56,021 Oh, my God! - Bryce. 900 00:40:56,054 --> 00:40:58,289 Oh, my God! 901 00:40:58,323 --> 00:41:01,960 [**] 902 00:41:04,830 --> 00:41:09,835 Brandon will spent eight weeks in an intensive re-tox program at a trendy L.A. nightclub. 903 00:41:09,868 --> 00:41:10,869 Thanks, Dana. 904 00:41:10,902 --> 00:41:11,537 Nice work. 905 00:41:12,638 --> 00:41:13,404 Really? 906 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:15,874 Great job. 907 00:41:17,375 --> 00:41:18,476 Thank you. 908 00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:20,579 You're welcome. 909 00:41:21,547 --> 00:41:23,815 At "Onion News," I'm Dana Dobbs. 910 00:41:23,849 --> 00:41:25,450 [swoosh] 911 00:41:25,483 --> 00:41:27,986 The nation's rapidly growing prison population, 912 00:41:28,019 --> 00:41:30,689 which recently passed the 20 million mark, 913 00:41:30,722 --> 00:41:33,659 has created a severe overcrowding problem. 914 00:41:33,692 --> 00:41:36,127 In an attempt to alleviate the overcrowding, 915 00:41:36,161 --> 00:41:39,665 the government announced today, that a random selection of U.S. households 916 00:41:39,698 --> 00:41:42,000 will be asked to take prisoners into their homes. 917 00:41:42,033 --> 00:41:47,038 [camera shutters] 918 00:41:47,072 --> 00:41:49,007 Hi. 919 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:49,875 Uh... 920 00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:52,510 I'm Dick. 921 00:41:52,544 --> 00:41:54,512 Thi-this is my wife, Sarah. 922 00:41:54,546 --> 00:41:56,682 This is our daughter Ally. 923 00:41:56,715 --> 00:42:00,185 And this is our son, Bobby, he's ten. 924 00:42:00,218 --> 00:42:01,152 Welcome. 925 00:42:01,186 --> 00:42:03,689 To our home. 926 00:42:03,722 --> 00:42:05,390 What's up? 927 00:42:05,423 --> 00:42:07,325 [grunting] Oh, come on, bitch! 928 00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:12,097 [grunting] 929 00:42:12,130 --> 00:42:14,099 Don't drop this shit on me, bitch. 930 00:42:14,132 --> 00:42:15,601 [toy sirens] 931 00:42:15,634 --> 00:42:19,938 [grunting] 932 00:42:19,971 --> 00:42:20,672 Lift! 933 00:42:20,706 --> 00:42:21,707 Lift! [husband yells] 934 00:42:21,740 --> 00:42:22,741 What the fuck are you doing? 935 00:42:22,774 --> 00:42:24,242 Don't just stand there. 936 00:42:24,275 --> 00:42:26,077 Get your man something to drink! 937 00:42:28,980 --> 00:42:29,981 [quiet fart] 938 00:42:32,651 --> 00:42:35,887 Damn, it's good to see some women. 939 00:42:35,921 --> 00:42:37,856 Mmm. Mmm-hmm. 940 00:42:37,889 --> 00:42:41,727 [Bobby] Mister Prisoner, my tattoo hurts. 941 00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:43,128 Lights out, guys. 942 00:42:45,831 --> 00:42:47,766 If successful, 943 00:42:47,799 --> 00:42:53,438 another 20,000 prisoners will be moved to suburban homes by the first of next month. 944 00:42:53,471 --> 00:42:57,142 [classical music plays *] [film project spinning] 945 00:42:57,175 --> 00:43:00,111 Hello and welcome once again to "Focus on Film." 946 00:43:00,145 --> 00:43:02,580 I'm Kenneth Garner and... 947 00:43:02,614 --> 00:43:08,253 I'm joined by Kwame Roberts, President of the National Coalition of African Americans, 948 00:43:08,286 --> 00:43:13,124 and James Nakatami, Director of the Asian American Alliance for Equality. 949 00:43:13,158 --> 00:43:15,961 Mr. Roberts, let's start with you. 950 00:43:15,994 --> 00:43:20,999 Your organization is not pleased with this film's depiction of African Americans. 951 00:43:21,032 --> 00:43:23,902 Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth. 952 00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:26,571 Uh, we are just about halfway through the film 953 00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:30,275 and we have yet to see a dignified portrayal of a person of color. 954 00:43:30,308 --> 00:43:34,746 So far, we've only been shown as um, vicious criminals or sex fiends. 955 00:43:34,780 --> 00:43:36,682 Just take a look at that last sketch. 956 00:43:36,715 --> 00:43:39,150 So, what specifically is your group demanding? 957 00:43:39,184 --> 00:43:41,486 Either the filmmakers put a positive black role model 958 00:43:41,519 --> 00:43:43,588 on that screen in the next ten minutes, 959 00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:48,193 or we will be organizing a nationwide walk-out of black moviegoers. 960 00:43:48,226 --> 00:43:51,496 That means every single African American currently watching this film, 961 00:43:51,529 --> 00:43:52,864 will exit the theater. 962 00:43:52,898 --> 00:43:55,701 Mr. Nakatami, are you equally unhappy? 963 00:43:55,734 --> 00:43:58,369 Thus far, there are maybe one 964 00:43:58,403 --> 00:44:02,774 or at the most two, three Asian faces in the film. 965 00:44:02,808 --> 00:44:06,311 How do you feel about such gross under representation? 966 00:44:06,344 --> 00:44:10,548 Um, me no rikey. 967 00:44:10,581 --> 00:44:12,217 Excuse me? 968 00:44:12,250 --> 00:44:16,121 Me, no rikey. 969 00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:22,060 Aren't you the guy who played Long Duk Dong in "Sixteen Candles?" 970 00:44:22,093 --> 00:44:25,230 Uh, me no rikey. 971 00:44:25,263 --> 00:44:27,632 And... 972 00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,300 ...back to the film. 973 00:44:29,334 --> 00:44:30,335 In legal news, 974 00:44:30,368 --> 00:44:32,637 local 18-year-old, Joey Franco, 975 00:44:32,670 --> 00:44:37,208 is suing for the right to be sexually harassed in the workplace. 976 00:44:37,242 --> 00:44:40,846 Franco, an employee of Carl's coffeeshop in Phoenix, 977 00:44:40,879 --> 00:44:43,481 alleged that during his three years there, 978 00:44:43,514 --> 00:44:48,319 not a single female coworker made inappropriate sexual advances toward him. 979 00:44:48,353 --> 00:44:50,421 Either verbal, or physical. 980 00:44:50,455 --> 00:44:52,590 [swoosh] 981 00:44:52,623 --> 00:44:56,828 In other news, health officials have confirmed that a potentially airborne virus 982 00:44:56,862 --> 00:44:59,831 [squeaking] has been spreading across eastern Canada. 983 00:44:59,865 --> 00:45:03,668 And is now moving South towards the coast of-- [fanfare] 984 00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:06,872 [squeaking] [fanfare] 985 00:45:06,905 --> 00:45:11,777 [squeaking] 986 00:45:11,810 --> 00:45:15,380 [boing] 987 00:45:15,413 --> 00:45:16,748 [coworker Hey Norm! 988 00:45:16,782 --> 00:45:22,220 [suspenseful music plays *] 989 00:45:22,253 --> 00:45:24,122 [coworker Hey, Norm! Okay. 990 00:45:24,155 --> 00:45:25,690 [coworker Oh, there goes Norm again. 991 00:45:25,723 --> 00:45:27,058 [coworker Probably pissed. 992 00:45:27,092 --> 00:45:31,529 [**] 993 00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:34,565 [intense music plays *] 994 00:45:34,599 --> 00:45:37,602 [multiple phones ring] 995 00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,311 All right, listen to me. - Hi, Norm. 996 00:45:46,344 --> 00:45:51,149 Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's movie via a goddamned penguin. 997 00:45:51,182 --> 00:45:53,751 Our job is to deliver to the American people, 998 00:45:53,785 --> 00:45:57,555 fair, balanced, hard-hitting news. 999 00:45:57,588 --> 00:46:03,094 In this crazy world, "The Onion" may be the only news source that people can truly trust. 1000 00:46:03,128 --> 00:46:04,429 Oh, don't be so naive, Norman. 1001 00:46:04,462 --> 00:46:06,131 This is a business. 1002 00:46:06,164 --> 00:46:07,098 [golf putt hits ball] 1003 00:46:07,132 --> 00:46:08,333 [squeak] 1004 00:46:08,366 --> 00:46:10,101 Listen to me. 1005 00:46:10,135 --> 00:46:12,070 I know you're not gonna want to hear this, 1006 00:46:12,103 --> 00:46:13,471 but the suits of Global Tetrahedron 1007 00:46:13,504 --> 00:46:14,973 want you to open up Friday's broadcast 1008 00:46:15,006 --> 00:46:16,942 with a slightly different lead story. 1009 00:46:16,975 --> 00:46:17,843 Wha--? 1010 00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:24,282 But Friday is the day Azmenistan gave Sloravia 1011 00:46:24,315 --> 00:46:27,318 as a deadline for pulling out of the Uzbagiyak region. 1012 00:46:27,352 --> 00:46:30,688 That's also the day that "Cockpuncher" opens. 1013 00:46:30,721 --> 00:46:33,491 I mean, this Asmenistany [mumbles] grand thing 1014 00:46:33,524 --> 00:46:35,160 is all well and good, right? 1015 00:46:35,193 --> 00:46:35,994 But it's million miles away. 1016 00:46:36,027 --> 00:46:37,595 Nobody gives a fuck about it. 1017 00:46:37,628 --> 00:46:41,599 The more important news story right now, is "Cockpuncher" mania. 1018 00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:44,002 It's sweeping the nation. 1019 00:46:44,035 --> 00:46:49,007 And it better sweep your newscast, Friday. 1020 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:51,476 Take a putt. 1021 00:46:51,509 --> 00:46:52,543 No? 1022 00:46:52,577 --> 00:46:56,247 [ominous music plays *] 1023 00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:06,057 You owe me a pound, you son of a bitch, I made that last one. 1024 00:47:06,091 --> 00:47:08,493 [film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, 1025 00:47:08,526 --> 00:47:12,063 Stephen Seagal is "Cockpuncher." [bartender] Awesome! 1026 00:47:12,097 --> 00:47:18,569 You damn, whorish, corporate plugs. 1027 00:47:18,603 --> 00:47:21,539 I'm a newsman, dammit. 1028 00:47:21,572 --> 00:47:26,144 [bartender] Oh! 1029 00:47:26,177 --> 00:47:27,712 [film announcer] "Cockpuncher" 1030 00:47:27,745 --> 00:47:29,014 [Stephen Seagal] I don't think you have the balls. 1031 00:47:29,047 --> 00:47:30,982 [bartender] Oh, I cannot wait for Friday. 1032 00:47:31,016 --> 00:47:33,018 [bus boy grunts] [bartender laughs] 1033 00:47:37,188 --> 00:47:38,323 [bartender] Excuse me, sir. 1034 00:47:38,356 --> 00:47:39,390 What can I get you? 1035 00:47:39,424 --> 00:47:40,525 Uh, no, thank you. 1036 00:47:40,558 --> 00:47:41,592 I don't drink or use drugs, for that matter. 1037 00:47:41,626 --> 00:47:43,661 No. 1038 00:47:43,694 --> 00:47:47,198 I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the local library. 1039 00:47:47,232 --> 00:47:51,269 Um, two blocks down and a left on Second. 1040 00:47:51,302 --> 00:47:53,471 Thank you very much. You have a wonderful evening. 1041 00:48:00,245 --> 00:48:02,047 Hmm-mmm. 1042 00:48:07,552 --> 00:48:09,620 [busboy grunts] [bartender] Are you okay? 1043 00:48:09,654 --> 00:48:10,989 [bartender laughs] 1044 00:48:12,157 --> 00:48:14,759 Thank you. You have a wonderful evening. 1045 00:48:52,697 --> 00:48:54,232 [zipper unzips] 1046 00:48:54,265 --> 00:48:59,837 [groaning quietly] 1047 00:48:59,870 --> 00:49:03,141 [quietly] Ah, fuck! 1048 00:49:03,174 --> 00:49:03,641 Help. 1049 00:49:03,674 --> 00:49:05,276 [swoosh] 1050 00:49:05,310 --> 00:49:07,812 Has your penis become stuck in a library book return slot? 1051 00:49:07,845 --> 00:49:09,114 [**] 1052 00:49:09,147 --> 00:49:10,448 Call Kostman's. The Penis People. 1053 00:49:10,481 --> 00:49:12,350 [bing] 1054 00:49:12,383 --> 00:49:16,454 We've been a tri-county area's penis retrieval experts for 64 years. 1055 00:49:16,487 --> 00:49:20,825 We'll get any penis out of any slot for $39.95. 1056 00:49:20,858 --> 00:49:22,793 That's my personal guarantee. 1057 00:49:22,827 --> 00:49:28,033 So don't just sit there, hoping your penis will somehow, magically free itself. 1058 00:49:28,066 --> 00:49:29,634 Call Kostman's. [bing] 1059 00:49:29,667 --> 00:49:31,036 They got my penis out. 1060 00:49:31,069 --> 00:49:32,503 They got my penis out. 1061 00:49:32,537 --> 00:49:35,040 [speaking Spanish] 1062 00:49:35,073 --> 00:49:37,208 They've got my penis out. 1063 00:49:37,242 --> 00:49:39,944 [all] They got all our penises out. 1064 00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:41,712 [commercial announcer] Kostman's, the Penis People. 1065 00:49:46,884 --> 00:49:48,719 This week's campaign is gonna rule! 1066 00:49:48,753 --> 00:49:51,522 I can't wait for the assault on Castle Dragon Flame. 1067 00:49:51,556 --> 00:49:53,991 I know, it's gonna be super, totally awesome! 1068 00:49:54,025 --> 00:49:55,826 I have a third-level Elven Cleric, 1069 00:49:55,860 --> 00:49:58,229 I can't wait to pit against my foes. 1070 00:49:58,263 --> 00:50:00,331 Yeah, well uh, don't count on being too awesome. 1071 00:50:00,365 --> 00:50:01,799 Look who just showed up. 1072 00:50:01,832 --> 00:50:06,171 [fanfare music plays *] 1073 00:50:06,204 --> 00:50:10,175 Well... what have we stumbled upon here? 1074 00:50:10,208 --> 00:50:11,576 Oh, shit. 1075 00:50:11,609 --> 00:50:14,679 Dare you challenge the mights of Proteous the Invincible? 1076 00:50:17,448 --> 00:50:19,350 Ah. 1077 00:50:19,384 --> 00:50:22,553 I see there are some beardless saplings with us this afternoon, 1078 00:50:22,587 --> 00:50:25,423 who've ne'er tasted my blade. 1079 00:50:25,456 --> 00:50:27,492 This douchebag ruins everything. 1080 00:50:27,525 --> 00:50:29,960 Prepare for total devastation. 1081 00:50:31,929 --> 00:50:33,264 The magical wizardry, 1082 00:50:33,298 --> 00:50:34,865 expert chaos, techniques, 1083 00:50:34,899 --> 00:50:37,668 and incomparable equipment roster. 1084 00:50:37,702 --> 00:50:43,774 Proteous the Invincible will make short work of all pretenders to the throne. 1085 00:50:54,152 --> 00:50:56,287 Okay, Lial. 1086 00:50:56,321 --> 00:51:00,391 How's about letting some of the younger guys have a chance today? 1087 00:51:00,425 --> 00:51:02,460 Okay? 1088 00:51:02,493 --> 00:51:04,462 When it comes to "Wizards and War Beasts," 1089 00:51:04,495 --> 00:51:08,833 I expect no quarter and none should be given! 1090 00:51:22,113 --> 00:51:23,714 Now that I've readied my provisions 1091 00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:26,117 for the day's foyer into the fairy realms, 1092 00:51:26,151 --> 00:51:28,786 [**] 1093 00:51:28,819 --> 00:51:30,721 let the slaughter begin! 1094 00:51:30,755 --> 00:51:35,092 [rock music plays *] 1095 00:52:15,132 --> 00:52:19,103 [Preteous laughs] 1096 00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:22,173 None remain standing before me. 1097 00:52:22,207 --> 00:52:26,311 All have fallen before the might of my broad sword. 1098 00:52:31,482 --> 00:52:34,185 This is bullshit. I'm leaving. 1099 00:52:43,394 --> 00:52:45,530 I hope you're happy Lial. 1100 00:52:45,563 --> 00:52:48,566 You just ruined another Saturday for the whole gaming club. 1101 00:52:48,599 --> 00:52:51,369 What care I for the sniveling excuses of the weak? 1102 00:52:51,402 --> 00:52:54,705 They shall bow before my wrath! 1103 00:52:54,739 --> 00:52:59,244 In the realm of fantasy, only the strongest will survive to conquer another day. 1104 00:52:59,277 --> 00:53:00,778 Whatever. 1105 00:53:07,885 --> 00:53:09,887 Alas... 1106 00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:11,989 The day's adventuring is now done 1107 00:53:12,022 --> 00:53:17,428 and I must take the number two bus back home. 1108 00:53:17,462 --> 00:53:20,765 If only I could live in the world of fantasy forever. 1109 00:53:20,798 --> 00:53:23,834 Instead of being forced to put up with this banal realm 1110 00:53:23,868 --> 00:53:28,906 and it's silly, weak-minded mortals. 1111 00:53:28,939 --> 00:53:34,245 Oh, how I wish I could live in the realm of "Wizards and War Beasts." 1112 00:53:34,279 --> 00:53:36,747 Ruling the land as a mightly conqueror, 1113 00:53:36,781 --> 00:53:41,286 smiting orcs and ogres alike with my trusty, broad sword. 1114 00:53:41,319 --> 00:53:42,787 [animalistic growl] 1115 00:53:42,820 --> 00:53:44,522 [ominous music plays *] 1116 00:53:44,555 --> 00:53:46,857 [distorted voice] Proteous the Invincible? 1117 00:53:46,891 --> 00:53:49,059 I've heard your plea. 1118 00:53:49,093 --> 00:53:51,028 Uh, oh, oh, oh, wh-what? 1119 00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,298 Who Who goes there? 1120 00:53:53,331 --> 00:53:57,234 [distorted voice] It is I, Gonthax, demon of the astral plane. 1121 00:53:57,268 --> 00:54:01,238 [Gonthax] Never before have I seen your equal on mortals that play this game. 1122 00:54:01,272 --> 00:54:02,473 What's going on? 1123 00:54:02,507 --> 00:54:04,141 Guys. 1124 00:54:04,174 --> 00:54:08,313 [Gonthax] I have chosen to grant your wish, Proteous the Invisible. 1125 00:54:08,346 --> 00:54:11,949 Come forth into the land of legends. 1126 00:54:14,952 --> 00:54:17,422 [wolf howling] 1127 00:54:17,455 --> 00:54:19,924 God, where am I? 1128 00:54:19,957 --> 00:54:21,659 [ominous music plays *] 1129 00:54:21,692 --> 00:54:23,428 Ow! 1130 00:54:44,715 --> 00:54:47,485 Oh, God, where am I? 1131 00:54:47,518 --> 00:54:52,189 [Gothax] Proteous. 1132 00:54:52,222 --> 00:54:55,760 [growling] 1133 00:54:55,793 --> 00:54:59,697 Prepare to piss thyself, human. 1134 00:54:59,730 --> 00:55:03,200 [crying] No, no, no. 1135 00:55:03,233 --> 00:55:04,301 Please. 1136 00:55:07,705 --> 00:55:09,840 Fucking geek. 1137 00:55:09,874 --> 00:55:13,444 - After last night's heartbreaking loss in Los Angeles, 1138 00:55:13,478 --> 00:55:18,182 basketball star Dashante Jackson, had harsh words for the Lord. 1139 00:55:18,215 --> 00:55:20,518 You know, I would like to put the blame on God tonight. 1140 00:55:20,551 --> 00:55:22,052 For not blessing me with the talent 1141 00:55:22,086 --> 00:55:25,289 to hit the game with a three-pointer tonight. 1142 00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:29,460 You know what, without him, I would truly be going to the playoffs. 1143 00:55:29,494 --> 00:55:31,729 Bitch, I don't know why you do this shit to me. 1144 00:55:31,762 --> 00:55:34,565 [news jingle *] 1145 00:55:34,599 --> 00:55:36,834 In news from our nation's capital, 1146 00:55:36,867 --> 00:55:38,969 a group of Alzheimer's Disease sufferers 1147 00:55:39,003 --> 00:55:42,172 marched on Washington today, demanding a cure for pancakes. 1148 00:55:47,378 --> 00:55:51,649 Until this tea kettle is cured, 1149 00:55:51,682 --> 00:55:56,320 there will never be enough bread in the laundry. 1150 00:55:56,353 --> 00:55:58,589 [clapping] Ding dong! 1151 00:55:58,623 --> 00:56:00,057 Karate! 1152 00:56:00,090 --> 00:56:06,363 [clapping and cheering] 1153 00:56:08,899 --> 00:56:09,967 [* Melissa Cherry: "Shoot Your Love All Over Me"] 1154 00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:17,174 * It's been building up so long Yeah, yeah, yeah * 1155 00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:21,211 * And that feeling is oh, so strong * 1156 00:56:21,245 --> 00:56:23,948 * Oh So, baby * 1157 00:56:23,981 --> 00:56:28,352 * Shoot your love all over me 1158 00:56:28,385 --> 00:56:32,256 * Oh, drown me in a milky sea 1159 00:56:32,289 --> 00:56:34,892 * Love all over me 1160 00:56:34,925 --> 00:56:37,428 [old man wheezes] Oh! 1161 00:56:37,462 --> 00:56:42,600 * Two unite for eternity 1162 00:56:42,633 --> 00:56:44,435 * Oh, yeah, yeah 1163 00:56:44,469 --> 00:56:47,538 * When I look at you, baby 1164 00:56:47,572 --> 00:56:51,709 * I see a man who loves fun 1165 00:56:51,742 --> 00:56:59,283 * But could good is it to make locked away in that trunk * 1166 00:56:59,316 --> 00:57:02,453 * I don't need more roses 1167 00:57:02,487 --> 00:57:06,223 * Now that would be just breathless * 1168 00:57:06,256 --> 00:57:09,393 * The gift I want from you From you * 1169 00:57:09,426 --> 00:57:12,830 * Is my very own pearl necklace * 1170 00:57:12,863 --> 00:57:13,964 Oh, shit. 1171 00:57:13,998 --> 00:57:18,268 * Shoot your love all over me 1172 00:57:18,302 --> 00:57:19,403 * Hey 1173 00:57:19,436 --> 00:57:22,272 * Drown me in a milky sea 1174 00:57:22,306 --> 00:57:25,442 * Love all over me 1175 00:57:25,476 --> 00:57:27,612 * Oh, baby * 1176 00:57:27,645 --> 00:57:31,148 [news jingle *] 1177 00:57:31,181 --> 00:57:33,851 Hi, I'm Michael Bolton. 1178 00:57:33,884 --> 00:57:35,653 Did you know that all over the world, 1179 00:57:35,686 --> 00:57:39,156 there are millions of children living in extreme poverty? 1180 00:57:39,189 --> 00:57:42,192 For more than forty years, the What About The Children Foundation 1181 00:57:42,226 --> 00:57:46,030 has been making a difference in the lives of kids throughout the Third World. 1182 00:57:46,063 --> 00:57:47,865 And so can you, 1183 00:57:47,898 --> 00:57:50,835 by adopting a What About The Children sponsor child. 1184 00:57:50,868 --> 00:57:54,171 But don't take my word for it. Take Dibo's. 1185 00:57:54,204 --> 00:57:56,707 [**] Hello, I am Dibo. 1186 00:57:56,741 --> 00:57:57,875 Come! 1187 00:57:57,908 --> 00:57:59,677 [Michael Bolton] Thanks to What About The Children, 1188 00:57:59,710 --> 00:58:01,445 Dibo has seen his standard of living 1189 00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:05,650 swell well above the level of his pathetic, poverty-stricken village. 1190 00:58:05,683 --> 00:58:07,518 What About The Children Foundation 1191 00:58:07,552 --> 00:58:10,120 is able to provide a child like Dibo, 1192 00:58:10,154 --> 00:58:12,990 with some of the little things in life, we so often take for granted. 1193 00:58:13,023 --> 00:58:14,324 Thanks, G. 1194 00:58:14,358 --> 00:58:15,860 [Michael Bolton] Like electricity, 1195 00:58:15,893 --> 00:58:17,061 fresh drinking water, 1196 00:58:17,094 --> 00:58:18,362 indoor plumbing, 1197 00:58:18,395 --> 00:58:20,798 a 42-inch plasma screen television, 1198 00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:23,668 the latest Sony Playstation videogame, 1199 00:58:23,701 --> 00:58:26,737 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, 1200 00:58:26,771 --> 00:58:29,006 a subscription to "The Wall Street Journal" 1201 00:58:29,039 --> 00:58:31,676 and selections from Marc Jacobs' Men Spring collection. 1202 00:58:31,709 --> 00:58:32,409 [bing] 1203 00:58:32,442 --> 00:58:35,680 [alarm] 1204 00:58:35,713 --> 00:58:36,747 [intruder grunts] 1205 00:58:36,781 --> 00:58:39,149 Get your own fucked up family! 1206 00:58:39,183 --> 00:58:40,651 [beeping] 1207 00:58:40,685 --> 00:58:43,187 [alarm turns off] 1208 00:58:43,220 --> 00:58:47,224 Thank goodness the McCormick's sent me a security system to kept these animals out. 1209 00:58:47,257 --> 00:58:48,926 Thank you, Dibo. 1210 00:58:48,959 --> 00:58:51,161 It's stories like yours that make it all worthwhile. 1211 00:58:51,195 --> 00:58:54,264 [news jingle *] 1212 00:58:54,298 --> 00:58:59,003 In breaking news, we now join Dana Dobbs in Lakeshore Bluff. 1213 00:58:59,036 --> 00:59:02,707 Where a verdict has just been handed down in the Timothy Shanaham trial. 1214 00:59:02,740 --> 00:59:05,710 Dana, what's the latest on the situation? 1215 00:59:05,743 --> 00:59:07,177 Well Norm, as you can see, 1216 00:59:07,211 --> 00:59:09,379 I'm here outside the First District Federal Courthouse, 1217 00:59:09,413 --> 00:59:12,349 where this angry mob of Negroes 1218 00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:16,253 is rioting over the guilty verdict in the Timothy Shanaham case. 1219 00:59:16,286 --> 00:59:22,226 [shouting] 1220 00:59:23,661 --> 00:59:25,062 We will keep you posted. 1221 00:59:25,095 --> 00:59:26,263 [Norman] Thanks, Dana. 1222 00:59:26,296 --> 00:59:27,231 Thank you, Norm. 1223 00:59:28,332 --> 00:59:30,134 Those crazy Negroes. 1224 00:59:30,167 --> 00:59:31,902 [* Melissa Cherry: "Take Me From Behind" plays on TV] 1225 00:59:31,936 --> 00:59:33,704 [knocking] 1226 00:59:33,738 --> 00:59:35,239 Enter. 1227 00:59:35,272 --> 00:59:37,041 Pardon me, General. Your meeting's about to start. 1228 00:59:37,074 --> 00:59:38,475 Ah. 1229 00:59:38,508 --> 00:59:40,377 So as you can see, generals. 1230 00:59:40,410 --> 00:59:44,749 Death Co amalgamated's M47 Jumping Johnny landmine 1231 00:59:44,782 --> 00:59:46,951 earned a triple A-rating, in field trials 1232 00:59:46,984 --> 00:59:51,121 and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio. 1233 00:59:51,155 --> 00:59:54,759 Making it the best landmine for the government's dollar. 1234 01:00:01,431 --> 01:00:02,399 Nah. 1235 01:00:02,432 --> 01:00:05,135 We're gonna pass. 1236 01:00:05,169 --> 01:00:06,003 Thanks, anyway. 1237 01:00:45,575 --> 01:00:48,012 [car not starting] [engine turning] 1238 01:00:48,045 --> 01:00:52,683 [sad piano music plays *] 1239 01:00:52,717 --> 01:00:57,421 [**] 1240 01:01:01,325 --> 01:01:04,695 [screams] Fuck! 1241 01:01:04,729 --> 01:01:07,331 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 1242 01:01:07,364 --> 01:01:08,198 Fuck! 1243 01:01:08,232 --> 01:01:10,234 Fuck... fuck! 1244 01:01:10,267 --> 01:01:12,069 Fuck, fuck, fuck! 1245 01:01:12,102 --> 01:01:16,707 Fuck, fuck... [silently crying] 1246 01:01:16,741 --> 01:01:18,542 You call yourself a salesman? 1247 01:01:18,575 --> 01:01:21,078 We spent 400 billion dollars in the company's money 1248 01:01:21,111 --> 01:01:23,180 developing these landmines for the military. 1249 01:01:23,213 --> 01:01:24,982 You better find a way to unload this things! 1250 01:01:25,015 --> 01:01:26,250 [**] 1251 01:01:26,283 --> 01:01:28,552 [infomercial announcer] Tired of backbreaking yard work? 1252 01:01:28,585 --> 01:01:30,420 [bing] Then jump back! 1253 01:01:30,454 --> 01:01:32,689 For Jumping Johnny! 1254 01:01:32,723 --> 01:01:35,259 Jumping Johnny blasts weeds to pieces, 1255 01:01:35,292 --> 01:01:37,361 brags ragweed, 1256 01:01:37,394 --> 01:01:38,328 crabgrass, 1257 01:01:38,362 --> 01:01:39,429 dandelions, 1258 01:01:39,463 --> 01:01:40,497 and rabbits, 1259 01:01:40,530 --> 01:01:41,932 raccoons, 1260 01:01:41,966 --> 01:01:43,734 even elephants! 1261 01:01:43,768 --> 01:01:45,069 So, what are you waiting for? [bing] 1262 01:01:45,102 --> 01:01:46,436 Get Jumping Johnny today! 1263 01:01:46,470 --> 01:01:50,240 [news jingle *] 1264 01:01:50,274 --> 01:01:54,244 It's now time for our weekly, inspirational portrait. 1265 01:01:54,278 --> 01:01:55,345 [uplifting music plays *] 1266 01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:58,949 [Norman Archer] This week, Brendan Laroux story. 1267 01:01:58,983 --> 01:02:02,252 [Kip Kendall] Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams. 1268 01:02:02,286 --> 01:02:05,255 As a young boy, he wanted to become a dancer. 1269 01:02:05,289 --> 01:02:08,625 But at the age of 12, he lost his legs. 1270 01:02:08,658 --> 01:02:11,128 Now, this would be a setback for any youngster. 1271 01:02:11,161 --> 01:02:13,530 But while his lack of lower limbs 1272 01:02:13,563 --> 01:02:15,966 may have stopped him from walking, 1273 01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:19,303 they didn't stop him from pursuing his dream. 1274 01:02:19,336 --> 01:02:20,470 [film reel] 1275 01:02:20,504 --> 01:02:21,872 [Brendan Laroux] My whole life, 1276 01:02:21,906 --> 01:02:24,608 playing pro hockey is all I ever wanted to do. 1277 01:02:24,641 --> 01:02:27,912 And I was determined to do whatever it took to make it. 1278 01:02:27,945 --> 01:02:31,415 From age seven on, I practiced... every day. 1279 01:02:31,448 --> 01:02:34,251 People said I was crazy. 1280 01:02:34,284 --> 01:02:40,490 They said, you know, only people with legs can make it in pro hockey. 1281 01:02:40,524 --> 01:02:42,793 But I didn't let the naysayers get to me. 1282 01:02:42,827 --> 01:02:47,764 [Kip Kendall] In 1988, a 12-year-old Brendan got his first big break. 1283 01:02:47,798 --> 01:02:51,335 When he joined the Moose Jaw Bearcats junior boys' team. 1284 01:02:51,368 --> 01:02:53,971 [Brendan Laroux] People said the only reason I made the team, 1285 01:02:54,004 --> 01:02:57,341 was because the coach felt bad for me. 1286 01:02:57,374 --> 01:02:59,743 You know what? 1287 01:02:59,776 --> 01:03:04,348 That only made me more determined to succeed. 1288 01:03:04,381 --> 01:03:05,916 [melancholic music plays *] 1289 01:03:05,950 --> 01:03:07,784 [Kip Kendall] Two years later, 1290 01:03:07,818 --> 01:03:11,822 that determination would once again be put to the test 1291 01:03:11,856 --> 01:03:14,124 when doctors informed Brendan that... 1292 01:03:14,158 --> 01:03:17,527 he would have to have his wrists removed. 1293 01:03:17,561 --> 01:03:21,966 For that young man it was, a difficult but inspiring time. 1294 01:03:21,999 --> 01:03:25,169 Without my wrists, there was... 1295 01:03:25,202 --> 01:03:29,439 nothing to keep my hands attached to my arms, so. 1296 01:03:29,473 --> 01:03:33,643 Even though my hands were fine, I... I lost them, too. 1297 01:03:35,880 --> 01:03:40,784 Now, Brendan may not have had as many hands and legs as the other boys, 1298 01:03:40,817 --> 01:03:45,622 but he more than made up for that with hard work and sweat. 1299 01:03:45,655 --> 01:03:49,359 He quickly moved through the junior ranks. 1300 01:03:49,393 --> 01:03:51,361 And in 1997, 1301 01:03:51,395 --> 01:03:54,331 he got the call he'd been waiting for his whole life. 1302 01:03:54,364 --> 01:03:56,033 The coach said, 1303 01:03:56,066 --> 01:04:01,838 "How would you like to be Pearl Hockey's first legless, handless player?" 1304 01:04:01,872 --> 01:04:04,241 And I said, 1305 01:04:04,274 --> 01:04:07,477 [voice breaking] "Coach, I'm your man. 1306 01:04:07,511 --> 01:04:09,479 I'm your man." 1307 01:04:09,513 --> 01:04:10,847 [**] 1308 01:04:10,881 --> 01:04:13,717 [Kip Kendall] It was an inspiring night. 1309 01:04:13,750 --> 01:04:16,520 Full of... inspiration. 1310 01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:22,392 Then, two days later, 1311 01:04:22,426 --> 01:04:27,231 Brendan found out that his rib cage was backwards, leaving the spine exposed. 1312 01:04:27,264 --> 01:04:29,699 That he needed a complete, muscle transplant. 1313 01:04:29,733 --> 01:04:33,070 The risky surgery lasted 720 hours. 1314 01:04:33,103 --> 01:04:37,507 Brendan came back better than ever. 1315 01:04:37,541 --> 01:04:40,844 Brendan persevered and was selected MVP. 1316 01:04:40,877 --> 01:04:44,781 Just when it seemed like the dark clouds had finally passed, 1317 01:04:44,814 --> 01:04:47,017 Brendan contracted scurvy, 1318 01:04:47,051 --> 01:04:50,921 went bankrupt and his wife was... eaten by wolves. 1319 01:04:50,955 --> 01:04:54,358 He was also molested by his uncle Jerry. 1320 01:04:54,391 --> 01:04:57,561 Today, Brendan's journey has opened the door for many athletes 1321 01:04:57,594 --> 01:04:59,930 who never would've been given a chance 1322 01:04:59,964 --> 01:05:04,701 if he hadn't broken down pro sports physical ability barrier. 1323 01:05:04,734 --> 01:05:09,039 Athletes like Emma Heathcoat, cerebral palsy sufferer 1324 01:05:09,073 --> 01:05:11,441 and three-time National Equestrian champ. 1325 01:05:11,475 --> 01:05:14,744 [horse neighs] 1326 01:05:14,778 --> 01:05:17,714 Blind stockcar driver, Bobby Templeton. 1327 01:05:17,747 --> 01:05:20,650 [engine turning] 1328 01:05:20,684 --> 01:05:23,320 [wheels screeching] 1329 01:05:23,353 --> 01:05:26,756 Deaf Olympic sprinter, Craig Connors. 1330 01:05:26,790 --> 01:05:28,392 [gunshot] 1331 01:05:28,425 --> 01:05:29,226 [second gunshot] 1332 01:05:29,259 --> 01:05:31,095 [multiple gunshots] 1333 01:05:31,128 --> 01:05:35,065 Gil Sereman, the world's first professional comatose diver. 1334 01:05:35,099 --> 01:05:39,636 [**] 1335 01:05:39,669 --> 01:05:44,074 And of course, Chicago's shooting guard, Herby Cohen, 1336 01:05:44,108 --> 01:05:46,243 who was born with Judaism. 1337 01:05:46,276 --> 01:05:51,281 [camera shutters] 1338 01:05:51,315 --> 01:05:54,518 Yes, none of it would have been possible 1339 01:05:54,551 --> 01:05:59,123 without Brendan Laroux, a true, inspirational portrait. 1340 01:05:59,156 --> 01:06:01,791 [uplifting music ends] 1341 01:06:01,825 --> 01:06:03,027 [swoosh] 1342 01:06:03,060 --> 01:06:05,495 In adult entertainment industry news, 1343 01:06:05,529 --> 01:06:09,033 the nation's porn stars gathered today in Los Angeles, 1344 01:06:09,066 --> 01:06:13,770 in a unified demand for stronger, more intense sexual intercourse. 1345 01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:15,472 Fuck me with your big cock! 1346 01:06:15,505 --> 01:06:16,840 Give it to me harder. 1347 01:06:16,873 --> 01:06:18,542 Fuck me 'til I explode! 1348 01:06:18,575 --> 01:06:20,110 [clapping] 1349 01:06:20,144 --> 01:06:24,681 Calling the tragedy a terrible, unintentional mistake, 1350 01:06:24,714 --> 01:06:27,784 the Los Angeles Police Department issued an apology today 1351 01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:29,486 for the accidental shooting, 1352 01:06:29,519 --> 01:06:30,487 clubbing, 1353 01:06:30,520 --> 01:06:31,655 stabbing, 1354 01:06:31,688 --> 01:06:32,656 firebombing, 1355 01:06:32,689 --> 01:06:33,690 choking, impaling, 1356 01:06:33,723 --> 01:06:34,691 electrocution, 1357 01:06:34,724 --> 01:06:36,726 legal injection death 1358 01:06:36,760 --> 01:06:38,662 of an African American man. 1359 01:06:38,695 --> 01:06:40,064 [swoosh] 1360 01:06:40,097 --> 01:06:42,632 I'm Kepp Kendall, reporting for "The Onion News." 1361 01:06:42,666 --> 01:06:46,503 As the conflict between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepens, 1362 01:06:46,536 --> 01:06:48,505 college campuses across this country 1363 01:06:48,538 --> 01:06:51,741 have become a hotbed of political activity. 1364 01:06:51,775 --> 01:06:54,178 We're here in Santa Cruz, California today. 1365 01:06:54,211 --> 01:06:55,679 Let's listen in. 1366 01:06:55,712 --> 01:06:58,682 Stop violence. 1367 01:06:58,715 --> 01:07:02,486 Stop the violence. 1368 01:07:02,519 --> 01:07:08,558 Stop the mothafucking violence! 1369 01:07:08,592 --> 01:07:12,096 Increase the peace! 1370 01:07:12,129 --> 01:07:14,064 For the past three years, 1371 01:07:14,098 --> 01:07:19,869 Sloravia and Azmenistan have been locked in a pointless and bloody war. 1372 01:07:19,903 --> 01:07:24,208 Their cowardly leaders sent innocent, young men into battle to die. 1373 01:07:28,612 --> 01:07:31,215 To die. 1374 01:07:31,248 --> 01:07:33,717 Well, you know what? 1375 01:07:33,750 --> 01:07:37,887 We need to put those leaders in a room and let them fight it out! 1376 01:07:43,627 --> 01:07:44,894 You know what else? 1377 01:07:44,928 --> 01:07:46,896 What this countries need to do, 1378 01:07:46,930 --> 01:07:48,732 they need to do, 1379 01:07:48,765 --> 01:07:50,800 they need to listen to their women a little more. 1380 01:07:50,834 --> 01:07:51,701 [crowd cheers] Yeah! 1381 01:07:51,735 --> 01:07:55,071 'Cause women, women create life. 1382 01:07:55,105 --> 01:07:58,808 While men, they destroy it. 1383 01:07:58,842 --> 01:08:01,911 So let's all stand up against the corporate war machine 1384 01:08:01,945 --> 01:08:05,782 that only exists to do the imperialistic agenda 1385 01:08:05,815 --> 01:08:08,918 against the... the oppressed minority! 1386 01:08:08,952 --> 01:08:14,991 Right? 1387 01:08:15,024 --> 01:08:16,092 Love you, love you brother! 1388 01:08:16,126 --> 01:08:17,594 Peace! 1389 01:08:17,627 --> 01:08:19,296 Go on, love! 1390 01:08:19,329 --> 01:08:26,002 [microphone feedback] 1391 01:08:26,035 --> 01:08:27,103 [man in suit] Excuse me, Chad. 1392 01:08:27,137 --> 01:08:28,772 What's up? 1393 01:08:28,805 --> 01:08:33,076 We're the U.N. and let me just say, we are very impressed. 1394 01:08:33,109 --> 01:08:35,011 What you said up there was dead on, Chad. 1395 01:08:35,044 --> 01:08:36,646 Dead-on. 1396 01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:38,315 What? 1397 01:08:38,348 --> 01:08:42,419 We want you to negotiate talks between Sloravia and Azmenistan. 1398 01:08:42,452 --> 01:08:44,821 Shut up, dude. 1399 01:08:44,854 --> 01:08:49,459 - We're convinced you're the man who can finally bring peace to this troubled region. 1400 01:08:49,493 --> 01:08:50,927 - Will you do it, Chad? 1401 01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:54,864 Will you help us... increase the peace? 1402 01:08:57,567 --> 01:08:59,369 Fuck yeah! 1403 01:08:59,403 --> 01:09:01,104 Fuck yeah, dude, I'm in. 1404 01:09:01,137 --> 01:09:02,839 - Great. Will you come with me, please? 1405 01:09:02,872 --> 01:09:05,675 Yeah. 1406 01:09:05,709 --> 01:09:09,713 [news jingle *] 1407 01:09:09,746 --> 01:09:14,484 Your systematic campaign of aggression against my country is the reason-- 1408 01:09:14,518 --> 01:09:18,355 Our military operations are purely in the response 1409 01:09:18,388 --> 01:09:20,890 for your repeated violation of the treaty! 1410 01:09:20,924 --> 01:09:23,026 [Azmenistan leader] You are the one to violate the peace treaty-- 1411 01:09:23,059 --> 01:09:24,060 [Sloravia leader] We? 1412 01:09:24,093 --> 01:09:29,132 [arguing in foreign language] 1413 01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:30,467 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys! 1414 01:09:30,500 --> 01:09:31,501 Guys, chill. 1415 01:09:31,535 --> 01:09:33,036 Chill. 1416 01:09:33,069 --> 01:09:38,174 Let's take a chill pill here. 1417 01:09:38,208 --> 01:09:40,377 Don't you guys realize that, 1418 01:09:40,410 --> 01:09:43,247 war no matter how justified it may seem, 1419 01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:46,483 is not the answer. 1420 01:09:46,516 --> 01:09:48,918 It's not? 1421 01:09:48,952 --> 01:09:51,821 No, man. 1422 01:09:51,855 --> 01:09:57,594 Love is the answer. 1423 01:09:57,627 --> 01:10:00,230 Now. 1424 01:10:00,264 --> 01:10:02,399 Let's get this peace shit started. 1425 01:10:02,432 --> 01:10:07,070 [folk music plays *] [water gurgling] 1426 01:10:10,807 --> 01:10:15,078 * A baby is born An old man dies * 1427 01:10:15,111 --> 01:10:19,249 * One child's laughing while another one cries * 1428 01:10:19,283 --> 01:10:24,354 * Seasons change right before my eyes * 1429 01:10:24,388 --> 01:10:27,524 [**] 1430 01:10:27,557 --> 01:10:32,061 * Sun comes up The sun goes down * 1431 01:10:32,095 --> 01:10:36,232 * The world takes another spin around * 1432 01:10:36,266 --> 01:10:40,470 * Tide goes out Tide goes in * 1433 01:10:40,504 --> 01:10:46,075 * Life goes on, on again * 1434 01:10:46,109 --> 01:10:48,745 [**] 1435 01:11:05,094 --> 01:11:06,663 [speaking foreign language] 1436 01:11:34,458 --> 01:11:36,760 [**] In international news, 1437 01:11:36,793 --> 01:11:40,930 the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepened today 1438 01:11:40,964 --> 01:11:43,933 when the leaders of the two rival nations-- [squeaking] 1439 01:11:43,967 --> 01:11:45,335 [in a high-pitched voice] Hey America! 1440 01:11:45,369 --> 01:11:49,706 Get ready to... punch some cock! 1441 01:11:49,739 --> 01:11:53,643 [Kiai] [fanfare] [rooster grunts] 1442 01:11:53,677 --> 01:11:57,013 [squeaking] [fanfare ends] 1443 01:11:57,046 --> 01:12:02,185 Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region. 1444 01:12:02,218 --> 01:12:03,887 [elevator bell rings] 1445 01:12:03,920 --> 01:12:10,293 If it's not our lead story, consider it my resignation. 1446 01:12:10,326 --> 01:12:11,728 [rapidly] "Cockpuncher" mania. 1447 01:12:11,761 --> 01:12:17,300 [suspenseful music plays *] 1448 01:12:17,333 --> 01:12:23,540 [**] 1449 01:12:27,010 --> 01:12:28,344 Two minutes, Norm. 1450 01:12:28,378 --> 01:12:31,681 [**] 1451 01:13:40,016 --> 01:13:43,419 [news jingle *] 1452 01:13:43,453 --> 01:13:46,122 [announcer] And now, "The Onion News," 1453 01:13:46,155 --> 01:13:48,592 America's Finest News Source. - Honey, it's about to start. 1454 01:13:48,625 --> 01:13:50,927 [announcer] Featuring Dana Dobbs, 1455 01:13:50,960 --> 01:13:53,630 Senior Correspondent, Kepp Kendalls, 1456 01:13:53,663 --> 01:13:56,500 and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer. 1457 01:13:56,533 --> 01:13:58,001 [Norman Archer] Good evening. 1458 01:14:07,544 --> 01:14:11,781 For the past 27 years, I sat at this desk, 1459 01:14:11,815 --> 01:14:14,017 dedicating myself to one thing, 1460 01:14:14,050 --> 01:14:17,821 delivering the news to you, the American viewing public, 1461 01:14:17,854 --> 01:14:21,424 in the most fair, balanced, serious way possible. 1462 01:14:21,457 --> 01:14:23,126 What's he doing? 1463 01:14:23,159 --> 01:14:26,029 [Norman Archer] Well. Things are changing in the news game. 1464 01:14:26,062 --> 01:14:29,866 And I've been under pressure to change with them. 1465 01:14:29,899 --> 01:14:33,703 Desperate to stay one step ahead of the competition, 1466 01:14:33,737 --> 01:14:36,706 the powers that be at this network 1467 01:14:36,740 --> 01:14:40,777 have done everything they can to get me to compromise my values. 1468 01:14:40,810 --> 01:14:45,214 To attract more of those precious, Nielsen eyeballs. 1469 01:14:45,248 --> 01:14:49,352 And once I get those eyeballs, what do they want me to do? 1470 01:14:49,385 --> 01:14:52,388 Plug our parent company's movies and other products 1471 01:14:52,421 --> 01:14:55,058 like a two bit, network news whore. 1472 01:14:55,091 --> 01:14:56,459 Motherfucker! 1473 01:14:56,492 --> 01:14:58,027 Well. 1474 01:14:58,061 --> 01:15:02,031 I've been giving this whole, ugly business a lot of thought. 1475 01:15:02,065 --> 01:15:08,337 In just a few moments before going on the air tonight, I finally came to a conclusion. 1476 01:15:08,371 --> 01:15:10,339 And that conclusion is-- 1477 01:15:10,373 --> 01:15:12,175 [ominous music plays *] [Ahmed] Nobody move! 1478 01:15:12,208 --> 01:15:16,045 Or the anchor infidel dies! 1479 01:15:16,079 --> 01:15:20,316 The Al-Q'Utaya Terrorists' Organization officially declares war 1480 01:15:20,349 --> 01:15:24,654 on the decadent, immoral, United States of Satan. 1481 01:15:24,688 --> 01:15:26,522 [Ahman] We shit on your country! 1482 01:15:26,556 --> 01:15:29,192 And piss also! 1483 01:15:29,225 --> 01:15:30,560 [Ahmed] It was good. 1484 01:15:30,594 --> 01:15:35,665 Tonight, on live television, the American people will watch 1485 01:15:35,699 --> 01:15:41,370 this great spreader of Western lies get blown into pieces. 1486 01:15:41,404 --> 01:15:42,371 Cutting the cameras. 1487 01:15:42,405 --> 01:15:46,342 [sword slash] [ominous music plays *] 1488 01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:51,447 Unless, the United States government formally apologizes 1489 01:15:51,480 --> 01:15:55,551 for it's rotting, immoral culture. 1490 01:15:55,585 --> 01:15:59,288 And withdraws all troops from the Middle East. 1491 01:15:59,322 --> 01:16:00,957 Like that's gonna happen. 1492 01:16:00,990 --> 01:16:02,759 Are you listening... 1493 01:16:02,792 --> 01:16:05,394 ... Mr. President? 1494 01:16:05,428 --> 01:16:07,230 We might be fucked, sir. 1495 01:16:07,263 --> 01:16:08,364 [Ahmed on TV] We will do it. 1496 01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:10,133 We will kill him right here, 1497 01:16:10,166 --> 01:16:12,535 if you do not meet our demands. 1498 01:16:12,568 --> 01:16:13,569 - Oh, yeah? 1499 01:16:13,603 --> 01:16:17,941 [dramatic music plays *] 1500 01:16:17,974 --> 01:16:20,910 I don't think you have the balls. 1501 01:16:20,944 --> 01:16:22,211 Cockpuncher! 1502 01:16:22,245 --> 01:16:23,880 Ahmed. 1503 01:16:23,913 --> 01:16:29,485 It is the mighty puncher of cocks! 1504 01:16:29,518 --> 01:16:31,988 How nice of you to join us... 1505 01:16:32,021 --> 01:16:33,957 ... Cockpuncher. 1506 01:16:33,990 --> 01:16:36,660 [Ahmed] We've been expecting you. 1507 01:16:36,693 --> 01:16:40,997 Allow me to introduce the Al-Q'Utaya Terrorist Organization. 1508 01:16:41,030 --> 01:16:45,635 [**] 1509 01:16:52,041 --> 01:16:53,977 [Stephen Seagal] I'm hungry. 1510 01:16:54,010 --> 01:16:57,180 I could sure go for a Sunday topped with... 1511 01:16:57,213 --> 01:16:58,181 ... crushed nuts. 1512 01:16:58,214 --> 01:16:59,582 Yummy! 1513 01:16:59,615 --> 01:17:02,251 [**] 1514 01:17:02,285 --> 01:17:04,087 Come on, Cockpuncher! 1515 01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:05,689 Go get them! 1516 01:17:05,722 --> 01:17:10,226 [**] 1517 01:17:21,137 --> 01:17:21,971 Give him a rock! 1518 01:17:22,005 --> 01:17:26,876 [dramatic music ends] 1519 01:17:26,910 --> 01:17:30,013 I believe you will be releasing Norm now. 1520 01:17:30,046 --> 01:17:34,150 Not so fast... Cockpuncher. 1521 01:17:34,183 --> 01:17:35,284 [ominous music plays *] 1522 01:17:35,318 --> 01:17:36,953 [gasps] 1523 01:17:36,986 --> 01:17:39,188 Cockblocked. 1524 01:17:39,222 --> 01:17:41,024 [Ahmed laughs] 1525 01:17:41,057 --> 01:17:43,359 The clever terrorist. 1526 01:17:43,392 --> 01:17:46,295 They blocked their cocks. 1527 01:17:46,329 --> 01:17:48,664 - Maybe I can be of some assistance? 1528 01:17:48,698 --> 01:17:49,699 You don't want to hurt Norm. 1529 01:17:49,733 --> 01:17:51,300 Melissa Cherry! 1530 01:17:51,334 --> 01:17:54,537 You don't wanna hurt America. [patriotic music plays *] 1531 01:17:54,570 --> 01:17:58,975 This is the greatest, gosh darned country in the whole, wide world. 1532 01:17:59,008 --> 01:18:00,676 Oh, she is-- 1533 01:18:00,710 --> 01:18:03,046 Denis, give me a drink. 1534 01:18:03,079 --> 01:18:08,184 Where else can you take a shot at our dreams and make them come true? 1535 01:18:08,217 --> 01:18:12,555 Where else can you take a stand for what's right? 1536 01:18:12,588 --> 01:18:15,725 And change millions of minds. 1537 01:18:15,759 --> 01:18:20,797 And most importantly, where else can you take me from behind? 1538 01:18:23,767 --> 01:18:25,068 Hit it boys! 1539 01:18:25,101 --> 01:18:27,370 [* Melissa Cherry: "Take Me From Behind"] 1540 01:18:27,403 --> 01:18:29,172 * Oh, when you love me [singing non-lexical vocables] 1541 01:18:29,205 --> 01:18:31,941 * You know that I don't mind 1542 01:18:31,975 --> 01:18:33,609 * What I really want is for you * 1543 01:18:33,642 --> 01:18:36,212 * to take me from behind, yeah * 1544 01:18:36,245 --> 01:18:37,713 * And when you want me [singing non-lexical vocables] 1545 01:18:37,747 --> 01:18:39,883 * You know that I don't mind 1546 01:18:39,916 --> 01:18:42,118 * Oh, and what I really want is for you... 1547 01:18:42,151 --> 01:18:44,453 Come on, Cherry. 1548 01:18:44,487 --> 01:18:46,890 [singing non-lexical vocables] 1549 01:18:46,923 --> 01:18:49,725 What the fuck is going on? 1550 01:18:49,759 --> 01:18:51,227 * Oh 1551 01:18:51,260 --> 01:18:53,062 * And when you love me [singing non-lexical vocables] 1552 01:18:53,096 --> 01:18:55,364 * You know that I don't mind No, no * 1553 01:18:55,398 --> 01:18:59,235 * What I really want is for you to take me from behind * 1554 01:18:59,268 --> 01:19:01,704 * Yeah, and when you love me [singing non-lexical vocables] 1555 01:19:01,737 --> 01:19:04,307 * You know that I don't mind Oh * 1556 01:19:04,340 --> 01:19:08,277 * And what I really want is for you to take me from behind * 1557 01:19:08,311 --> 01:19:10,646 * Oh, yeah, I don't mind... 1558 01:19:10,679 --> 01:19:12,048 Ahman! 1559 01:19:12,081 --> 01:19:13,482 Think unsexy thoughts! 1560 01:19:13,516 --> 01:19:15,785 [Ahmen and Ahmad] Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. 1561 01:19:15,819 --> 01:19:17,453 [Ahmen and Ahmad] Think unsexy thoughts! 1562 01:19:17,486 --> 01:19:22,959 [romantic music plays *] 1563 01:19:28,464 --> 01:19:32,501 [pop music plays *] 1564 01:19:32,535 --> 01:19:33,769 [ominous music plays *] 1565 01:19:33,803 --> 01:19:38,107 Your immoral, Western sexuality will not work on us. 1566 01:19:38,141 --> 01:19:42,145 Mr. President, the time has come to give in to our demands. 1567 01:19:42,178 --> 01:19:45,314 If we do not hear from you in ten seconds, 1568 01:19:45,348 --> 01:19:48,517 we will kill everyone in this studio. 1569 01:19:48,551 --> 01:19:50,019 We might be fucked, sir. 1570 01:19:50,053 --> 01:19:51,120 Ten! 1571 01:19:51,154 --> 01:19:52,621 Nine! 1572 01:19:52,655 --> 01:19:53,957 Eight! 1573 01:19:53,990 --> 01:19:55,191 Seven! 1574 01:19:55,224 --> 01:19:56,125 Six! 1575 01:19:56,159 --> 01:19:57,593 Five! 1576 01:19:57,626 --> 01:19:58,862 Four! 1577 01:19:58,895 --> 01:20:00,163 Three! 1578 01:20:00,196 --> 01:20:01,197 Two! 1579 01:20:01,230 --> 01:20:01,865 One! 1580 01:20:01,898 --> 01:20:06,502 [**] 1581 01:20:06,535 --> 01:20:08,037 Not so rapido! 1582 01:20:08,071 --> 01:20:09,338 Peruvians! 1583 01:20:09,372 --> 01:20:12,175 Daddy, what's a Peruvian? 1584 01:20:12,208 --> 01:20:13,509 It's kind of like a Mexican, son. 1585 01:20:13,542 --> 01:20:15,178 Viva Peru. 1586 01:20:15,211 --> 01:20:16,846 Que viva. 1587 01:20:38,935 --> 01:20:40,236 [Peruvian hero] You Cockpuncher, amigo 1588 01:20:40,269 --> 01:20:44,640 [speaking Spanish] 1589 01:20:44,673 --> 01:20:49,946 [action music plays *] 1590 01:21:06,462 --> 01:21:11,267 [Stephen Seagal] You know Ahman, violence is almost never necessary. 1591 01:21:11,300 --> 01:21:12,735 I admit. 1592 01:21:12,768 --> 01:21:15,604 I've punched thousands upon thousands of cocks in my life, 1593 01:21:15,638 --> 01:21:17,240 but I've never killed anyone 1594 01:21:17,273 --> 01:21:19,842 because no matter what your religion might be, 1595 01:21:19,875 --> 01:21:22,278 no matter what your politics might be, 1596 01:21:22,311 --> 01:21:24,080 no matter how much money is involved, 1597 01:21:24,113 --> 01:21:27,183 there's never any reason to take human life. 1598 01:21:27,216 --> 01:21:29,518 Human life is the most previous thing there is. 1599 01:21:29,552 --> 01:21:30,753 Fuck aye, man. 1600 01:21:30,786 --> 01:21:33,756 That's some cool shit, man. 1601 01:21:33,789 --> 01:21:39,528 You know what? 1602 01:21:39,562 --> 01:21:42,231 You are absolutely right, Cockpuncher. 1603 01:21:42,265 --> 01:21:46,635 [sentimental music plays *] Violence is not the answer. 1604 01:21:46,669 --> 01:21:49,405 Terrorism never solved anything. 1605 01:21:49,438 --> 01:21:51,240 To hell with terrorism! 1606 01:21:51,274 --> 01:21:52,942 Yeah! Yeah. 1607 01:21:52,976 --> 01:21:57,981 I'm sick and tired of living in a fucking cave. 1608 01:21:58,014 --> 01:22:01,450 I'm sick of doing nothing but cursing the West all day. 1609 01:22:01,484 --> 01:22:04,253 Jesus aged Allah. 1610 01:22:04,287 --> 01:22:05,821 I like the West. 1611 01:22:05,854 --> 01:22:07,423 Good bless America. 1612 01:22:07,456 --> 01:22:09,158 [Ahman] I like TV. 1613 01:22:09,192 --> 01:22:11,327 And I like bacon, double cheese burgers. 1614 01:22:11,360 --> 01:22:12,261 Woo-hoo! 1615 01:22:12,295 --> 01:22:15,331 [Ahman] And I like the rapping music. 1616 01:22:15,364 --> 01:22:22,972 But most of all, I like this big budget action hero. 1617 01:22:23,006 --> 01:22:25,808 Long live the mighty puncher of cocks! 1618 01:22:25,841 --> 01:22:28,244 [ululating] 1619 01:22:28,277 --> 01:22:33,316 [cheering] 1620 01:22:33,349 --> 01:22:34,117 Woo! 1621 01:22:34,150 --> 01:22:38,121 [**] 1622 01:22:44,127 --> 01:22:46,329 Hey, Norm. 1623 01:22:46,362 --> 01:22:50,466 Crazy shit, huh? 1624 01:22:50,499 --> 01:22:54,170 With all due respect, we just wanted to ask... 1625 01:22:54,203 --> 01:22:56,172 What-what were you going to say during your speech? 1626 01:22:56,205 --> 01:22:57,506 [stuttering] Yeah, we were wondering 1627 01:22:57,540 --> 01:23:00,843 what the conclusion that you came to was. 1628 01:23:00,876 --> 01:23:02,678 Well, I was going to say, "I'm mad as hell, 1629 01:23:02,711 --> 01:23:04,513 I'm not going to take it anymore." 1630 01:23:04,547 --> 01:23:05,881 But after what just happened, 1631 01:23:05,914 --> 01:23:08,784 I think I learned a little lesson I won't soon forget. 1632 01:23:08,817 --> 01:23:10,386 As a matter of fact, 1633 01:23:10,419 --> 01:23:15,991 I think we've all learned a few things in the past 90 minutes. 1634 01:23:16,025 --> 01:23:18,861 We've learned that Irishmen have huge nipples, [patriotic music plays *] 1635 01:23:18,894 --> 01:23:23,032 we've learned that film critic intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads. 1636 01:23:23,066 --> 01:23:26,001 And most of all, we've learned... 1637 01:23:26,035 --> 01:23:31,974 ... creeping corporate influence over the news protects us from terrorism. 1638 01:23:32,007 --> 01:23:37,313 [**] [cheering] 1639 01:23:37,346 --> 01:23:38,347 Hey, everybody. 1640 01:23:38,381 --> 01:23:40,049 We're all gonna get laid! 1641 01:23:40,083 --> 01:23:44,187 [cheering] [**] 1642 01:24:00,803 --> 01:24:03,106 Cannonball! 1643 01:24:10,446 --> 01:24:16,619 Um, I can't help but think it must have taken a lot courage to make such a provocative film. 1644 01:24:16,652 --> 01:24:19,455 And joining us to discuss just that, 1645 01:24:19,488 --> 01:24:23,126 is the man who green-lit the film. 1646 01:24:23,159 --> 01:24:25,027 Thanks, Kenneth. Pleasure to be here. 1647 01:24:25,060 --> 01:24:27,130 [Kenneth Garber] So, uh... 1648 01:24:27,163 --> 01:24:31,267 Now while you gave the makers of this film tremendous leeway, obviously, 1649 01:24:31,300 --> 01:24:34,370 still, there was some material that you simply refused to allow? 1650 01:24:34,403 --> 01:24:35,471 That's true. 1651 01:24:35,504 --> 01:24:37,406 Basically, as committed as I was 1652 01:24:37,440 --> 01:24:39,908 to letting this guys be free to do their thing, 1653 01:24:39,942 --> 01:24:43,812 there were simply some images that I just didn't feel comfortable with. 1654 01:24:43,846 --> 01:24:46,982 Hmm-mmm. But I understand you did bring some clips. 1655 01:24:47,015 --> 01:24:49,918 That's right, uh, I would like to show some special bonus material. 1656 01:24:49,952 --> 01:24:52,755 This are scenes that didn't make it into the movie. 1657 01:24:52,788 --> 01:24:53,922 Great. 1658 01:24:53,956 --> 01:24:55,458 Let's take a look. 1659 01:24:55,491 --> 01:25:00,429 [film reel] 1660 01:25:00,463 --> 01:25:03,199 [beep] [church bells rings] 1661 01:25:10,673 --> 01:25:13,309 [cat meowing] What we do, is we get the kitty 1662 01:25:13,342 --> 01:25:15,344 and we put it in a simple egg batter. 1663 01:25:15,378 --> 01:25:18,514 [cat meows] Oh, shh, that's fine. 1664 01:25:18,547 --> 01:25:20,983 And then we just simply roll it around, 1665 01:25:21,016 --> 01:25:24,953 making sure we cover the whole thing, entirely. 1666 01:25:24,987 --> 01:25:28,090 Making sure it's completely covered in an herb, bread crumb batter. 1667 01:25:28,123 --> 01:25:29,492 Here. - I see. Okay, 1668 01:25:29,525 --> 01:25:32,127 thank you. And then-- oh, oh! [cat meows loudly] 1669 01:25:32,161 --> 01:25:33,329 --the canola oil. 1670 01:25:33,362 --> 01:25:35,531 [oil gurgling] [film reel spinning] 1671 01:25:35,564 --> 01:25:39,001 You know, I think you have to draw a line somewhere. 1672 01:25:39,034 --> 01:25:45,040 [news jingle *] 1673 01:25:45,073 --> 01:25:49,212 [* Melissa Cherry: "Take Me From Behind"] 1674 01:25:49,245 --> 01:25:54,850 [**] 1675 01:29:40,909 --> 01:29:44,046 For the Onion News, this is Norm Archer. 1676 01:29:44,079 --> 01:29:46,482 Fuck you and good night.