1
00:00:02,727 --> 00:00:05,896
JEFFORDS: I can't believe they're waxing
the floors and we're all stuck in here.
2
00:00:05,980 --> 00:00:07,106
I've never seen them do this before.
3
00:00:07,190 --> 00:00:09,858
They do it once a month.
We've just never been on the night shift.
4
00:00:09,942 --> 00:00:12,403
I know. It's like we're being punished.
5
00:00:12,487 --> 00:00:14,489
We are, for going to Florida.
6
00:00:14,697 --> 00:00:17,826
Oh. I don't listen to so
much stuff you all say.
7
00:00:17,910 --> 00:00:20,495
Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you.
8
00:00:20,579 --> 00:00:22,330
You look out there and see a problem.
9
00:00:22,414 --> 00:00:24,833
I look out there and see an opportunity.
10
00:00:24,917 --> 00:00:26,918
I'm going to slide
on that slippery floor,
11
00:00:27,002 --> 00:00:29,504
all the way from Holt's
office to the elevator.
12
00:00:29,588 --> 00:00:30,964
You're going to do the FBP?
13
00:00:31,089 --> 00:00:35,219
That's right, Rosa.
I'm doing the Full Bullpen!
14
00:00:35,511 --> 00:00:36,636
[BELL DINGS]
15
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,514
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
16
00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:43,769
Here we go. [SHARP BREATHS]
17
00:00:52,779 --> 00:00:54,364
[TERRY CHEERS IN SLO-MO]
18
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:07,877
[ALL SCREAMING "NO" IN SLO-MO]
19
00:01:08,795 --> 00:01:10,379
No!
20
00:01:10,463 --> 00:01:11,797
[MOUTHING]
21
00:01:11,881 --> 00:01:13,507
Oh, God, I can't stop!
22
00:01:13,591 --> 00:01:14,926
[PERALTA GRUNTS]
23
00:01:16,302 --> 00:01:18,137
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
24
00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:23,686
The Full Bullpen!
25
00:01:23,852 --> 00:01:25,896
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
26
00:01:43,956 --> 00:01:45,832
Those chuckleheads from the Nine-Five
27
00:01:45,916 --> 00:01:47,751
are getting all cocky
just 'cause they're on TV.
28
00:01:47,835 --> 00:01:49,711
Uh, we've all been on
the local news, fellas.
29
00:01:49,795 --> 00:01:52,297
Okay.
Which case of yours was on the news?
30
00:01:52,381 --> 00:01:53,931
Well, it wasn't exactly a case.
31
00:01:54,050 --> 00:01:56,135
Ska defines who I am as a person,
32
00:01:56,219 --> 00:01:58,804
and I will never turn my back on ska.
Hup!
33
00:01:58,888 --> 00:02:00,223
[SKA MUSIC PLAYING]
34
00:02:00,515 --> 00:02:02,183
Looking back, I have no regrets.
35
00:02:02,267 --> 00:02:03,267
You should. Yup.
36
00:02:03,351 --> 00:02:04,435
So, why are the Nine-Five on the news?
37
00:02:04,519 --> 00:02:07,605
They're investigating death threats
against some author named DC Parlov,
38
00:02:07,689 --> 00:02:09,398
as if anyone knows who the hell that is.
39
00:02:09,482 --> 00:02:11,150
DC Parlov?
40
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,653
Did you say, "DC Parlov"?
What is happening?
41
00:02:13,737 --> 00:02:17,616
DC Parlov is the most
influential author of our time.
42
00:02:18,116 --> 00:02:19,951
The Skyfire Cycle!
43
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,621
Twelve books chronicling
the war between sky and sand,
44
00:02:23,705 --> 00:02:25,791
clouds and rocks, the Sepsidians and…
45
00:02:25,875 --> 00:02:27,876
Oh, so, it's like a Game
of Thrones type thing?
46
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,587
No, Game of Thrones
is a Skyfire type thing!
47
00:02:30,671 --> 00:02:31,755
Get your head out of your ass!
48
00:02:31,839 --> 00:02:33,590
Yeah, come on, Boyle. I'm so sorry, guys.
49
00:02:33,674 --> 00:02:37,053
When I was a little kid, I spent
hours reading those books.
50
00:02:37,511 --> 00:02:40,306
Whoa!
Little Terry did not see that coming.
51
00:02:40,514 --> 00:02:42,140
I was overweight and lonely,
52
00:02:42,224 --> 00:02:45,061
and I wrote DC Parlov for
advice, and he sent me this!
53
00:02:45,853 --> 00:02:47,403
I hope it's not a severed head.
54
00:02:50,399 --> 00:02:53,194
"The Skyfire Cycle. Sand Into Glass.
55
00:02:53,319 --> 00:02:54,945
"The Reckoning of Ka'Lar."
56
00:02:55,029 --> 00:02:58,116
Man, that is a long book.
Is the rest of it just more of the title?
57
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,577
It's the book that started it all. Okay.
58
00:03:00,661 --> 00:03:02,829
And listen to the inscription he wrote.
59
00:03:02,913 --> 00:03:05,790
"Terry, you do have friends." Oh, boy.
60
00:03:05,874 --> 00:03:09,127
"You have me.
Never forget that in this life
61
00:03:09,211 --> 00:03:12,881
"we write our own stories. Parlov."
62
00:03:13,256 --> 00:03:14,549
And that's what happened.
63
00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:17,343
Little Terry wrote his own story.
64
00:03:17,427 --> 00:03:19,763
Yeah, Little Terry got buff.
65
00:03:19,971 --> 00:03:22,098
Little Terry got emotionally healthy.
66
00:03:22,182 --> 00:03:24,267
Yeah, and jacked.
67
00:03:24,351 --> 00:03:25,852
You know what?
68
00:03:25,936 --> 00:03:30,608
He did get jacked. Way to go,
Little Terry. Big pecs coming through!
69
00:03:30,692 --> 00:03:31,776
-[JEFFORDS LAUGHS]
-Ah.
70
00:03:32,151 --> 00:03:33,403
There we go.
71
00:03:34,070 --> 00:03:37,120
I'm going to get us that case.
Terry's going to meet his hero.
72
00:03:37,490 --> 00:03:40,034
Oh, no, never meet your heroes.
73
00:03:40,118 --> 00:03:42,578
[WHISPERING] Marie
Callender was a real bitch.
74
00:03:44,163 --> 00:03:45,247
Oh, check it out.
75
00:03:45,331 --> 00:03:48,584
Our squad has doubled the
number of arrests on the night shift.
76
00:03:48,751 --> 00:03:50,669
Yeah, no one cares, okay?
77
00:03:50,753 --> 00:03:53,047
I need to talk to you about
this Boyle family vacation
78
00:03:53,131 --> 00:03:54,673
that my mom's forcing me to go on.
79
00:03:54,757 --> 00:03:56,759
Why is it in Butt Thumb, Iowa?
80
00:03:56,843 --> 00:03:58,218
No, it's pronounced "Beaut-hume,"
81
00:03:58,302 --> 00:04:01,138
and Iowa is the ancestral
homeland of the Boyle clan.
82
00:04:01,222 --> 00:04:04,072
I am so excited for you to
get to know all of the cousins.
83
00:04:04,268 --> 00:04:05,310
Watch out for Sherman.
84
00:04:05,394 --> 00:04:08,021
He's left a trail of broken
hearts longer than his ponytail.
85
00:04:08,105 --> 00:04:09,689
Boyle, can we please just go to a resort
86
00:04:09,773 --> 00:04:11,066
where I don't have to see your family?
87
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:12,317
There's a great one in Aruba.
88
00:04:12,401 --> 00:04:15,862
Aruba? [LAUGHS] Boyles don't do beaches.
89
00:04:15,946 --> 00:04:17,990
We're not swimmers. We're burrowers.
90
00:04:18,115 --> 00:04:19,950
Yes, I know, you're all earthworms,
91
00:04:20,075 --> 00:04:25,247
but, Charles, even nature's most
disgusting creatures deserve pleasure.
92
00:04:25,456 --> 00:04:26,581
Come to Aruba.
93
00:04:26,665 --> 00:04:29,126
Sorry, the cousins voted,
and it was unanimous.
94
00:04:29,251 --> 00:04:32,004
We're going to Iowa.
We've already rented the tent.
95
00:04:32,421 --> 00:04:35,967
"Tent" singular?
Charles, "tent" singular?
96
00:04:37,385 --> 00:04:40,680
Diaz, Santiago, settle a little
tiff that Kevin and I are having.
97
00:04:40,764 --> 00:04:42,973
Let's be honest, Raymond,
it's not a tiff, it's a row.
98
00:04:43,057 --> 00:04:44,100
And now, it's a scene.
99
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:47,061
It's okay, sir, we don't want to
get involved in your personal life.
100
00:04:47,145 --> 00:04:48,604
It's not personal. It's a math problem.
101
00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:49,730
Pass. Oh, Mama.
102
00:04:49,814 --> 00:04:51,148
Raymond and I had
dinner together last night
103
00:04:51,232 --> 00:04:53,275
for the first time in two
weeks, thanks to the night shift.
104
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,403
And Kevin thought it would
be fun to spoil our date
105
00:04:55,487 --> 00:04:59,156
with an inane math problem,
to which his answer is wrong.
106
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:00,574
Enough foreplay, let's
get to the numbers.
107
00:05:00,658 --> 00:05:02,576
It's the Monty Hall problem.
108
00:05:02,660 --> 00:05:03,744
Imagine you're on a game show.
109
00:05:03,828 --> 00:05:06,247
There are three doors,
behind one of which is a car.
110
00:05:06,331 --> 00:05:07,373
You're telling it wrong.
111
00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:09,251
There are three doors,
behind one of which is a car.
112
00:05:09,335 --> 00:05:10,377
You pick a door.
113
00:05:10,461 --> 00:05:13,255
The host, who knows where
the car is, opens a different door,
114
00:05:13,339 --> 00:05:14,673
showing you there's nothing behind it.
115
00:05:14,757 --> 00:05:17,217
Now the host asks if you'd like to
choose the other unopened door.
116
00:05:17,301 --> 00:05:18,343
Should you do it?
117
00:05:18,427 --> 00:05:19,428
No. Yes.
118
00:05:19,512 --> 00:05:20,595
It's simple math. It's simple math.
119
00:05:20,679 --> 00:05:22,347
It doesn't make any sense to switch.
120
00:05:22,431 --> 00:05:24,433
The prize is behind one of two doors.
121
00:05:24,517 --> 00:05:25,934
It's a 50-50 chance either way.
122
00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:28,186
It's two-thirds if you
switch, one-third if you don't.
123
00:05:28,270 --> 00:05:30,021
The probability locks in
when you make the choice.
124
00:05:30,105 --> 00:05:32,315
We've been over this eight times.
Seven times.
125
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:34,349
Now, you can't even do simple addition.
126
00:05:34,610 --> 00:05:36,194
Kevin is right. Hmm.
127
00:05:36,278 --> 00:05:37,404
You're fired.
128
00:05:37,530 --> 00:05:39,198
What? Ah!
129
00:05:39,532 --> 00:05:42,076
Hey, Sarge, great news.
130
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:45,079
The guys at the Nine-Five
gave us the DC Parlov case.
131
00:05:45,163 --> 00:05:46,956
No big deal, you don't have to thank me.
132
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,416
Give it back. You're welcome.
133
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,293
Wait, what? This is a bad idea, Jake.
134
00:05:50,377 --> 00:05:51,627
I don't want to meet him.
135
00:05:51,711 --> 00:05:53,171
Oh, I see.
136
00:05:53,255 --> 00:05:55,757
You're nervous to meet your hero.
Look, I get it.
137
00:05:55,841 --> 00:05:57,800
One time, I saw Patrick Ewing at a deli,
138
00:05:57,884 --> 00:05:58,968
and I was so scared I almost left,
139
00:05:59,052 --> 00:06:01,262
but I stayed, I worked up my courage,
140
00:06:01,346 --> 00:06:03,097
I walked over to him
and I introduced myself,
141
00:06:03,181 --> 00:06:04,891
and you know what he said to me?
142
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:06,059
"Hey."
143
00:06:07,561 --> 00:06:10,313
That's it? It's Patrick Ewing, he's busy!
144
00:06:10,397 --> 00:06:12,483
[LAUGHS] Give him the
benefit of the doubt, Sarge.
145
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:14,401
Come on, you're braver than this.
146
00:06:14,485 --> 00:06:17,070
Just tell him how meaningful
the note he wrote you was.
147
00:06:17,154 --> 00:06:18,655
People love knowing that
they changed someone's life.
148
00:06:18,739 --> 00:06:19,990
I mean, why do you think
I'm doing this for you?
149
00:06:20,074 --> 00:06:22,159
This isn't about me. No.
150
00:06:22,243 --> 00:06:25,293
That was 30 years ago.
He won't remember, and I'll feel silly.
151
00:06:25,538 --> 00:06:28,290
Well, we're about to find out.
Parlov just walked in.
152
00:06:28,374 --> 00:06:30,293
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. [PUFFING]
153
00:06:30,418 --> 00:06:33,713
All right, just breathe.
Stop fanning your armpits like that.
154
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,840
Oh, good Lord! Keep fanning them! Oh!
155
00:06:38,759 --> 00:06:41,094
Mr. Parlov. Welcome to the Nine-Nine.
156
00:06:41,178 --> 00:06:42,346
Well, thank you very much.
157
00:06:42,430 --> 00:06:44,348
I'm a little curious about
why my case got reassigned.
158
00:06:44,432 --> 00:06:46,100
Is there some problem?
Quite the opposite.
159
00:06:46,184 --> 00:06:48,812
The top brass just wanted
New York's best detective on it.
160
00:06:48,896 --> 00:06:52,691
Allow me to introduce Mister
Sergeant Terry Jeffords.
161
00:06:54,776 --> 00:06:55,944
[CHUCKLES] Sarge?
162
00:06:56,862 --> 00:06:58,113
[MEEKLY] Hi.
163
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,156
Uh-oh. Terry, you want to come out here
164
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,116
and help me take Mr. Parlov's statement?
165
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,410
[CHUCKLES]
166
00:07:04,870 --> 00:07:06,704
He usually stands much taller than that.
167
00:07:06,788 --> 00:07:08,873
Anyway, tell us about these
death threats you've been getting.
168
00:07:08,957 --> 00:07:10,166
Any idea who might be sending them?
169
00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:11,876
Well, I'm pretty sure
that it had to be a fan.
170
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,255
I've had a little bit of a backlash
from some of my younger male readers
171
00:07:15,339 --> 00:07:16,798
ever since I revealed the fact
172
00:07:16,882 --> 00:07:19,218
that Qwandor the dragon
is actually a female.
173
00:07:19,302 --> 00:07:21,053
I would think teen boys
would love a lady dragon.
174
00:07:21,137 --> 00:07:22,972
Did you give her big, scaly boobs, or,
175
00:07:23,056 --> 00:07:24,098
I don't know, you're the writer.
176
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,683
Qwandor is not a sexual being.
177
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:28,978
"For she is the ender of bloodlines.
178
00:07:29,062 --> 00:07:32,273
"All mortals tremble before her wrath."
179
00:07:32,523 --> 00:07:35,068
Skyfire fan? Oh, I'm more than a fan.
180
00:07:35,234 --> 00:07:37,278
Whoever wrote this has got nothing on me.
181
00:07:37,362 --> 00:07:38,655
Uh, he's not a killer.
182
00:07:38,863 --> 00:07:40,406
[LAUGHS] Tell him about the inscription.
183
00:07:40,490 --> 00:07:42,992
You probably don't
remember, but 30 years ago,
184
00:07:43,076 --> 00:07:45,744
I wrote you a letter telling
you how lonely and sad I was,
185
00:07:45,828 --> 00:07:47,580
and you sent me a
book with the inscription,
186
00:07:47,664 --> 00:07:49,456
"We all write our own stories,"
187
00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:50,793
and it changed my life.
188
00:07:51,335 --> 00:07:53,003
I do remember you. You do?
189
00:07:53,087 --> 00:07:56,340
I do indeed, and I'm delighted
you've made something of yourself.
190
00:07:56,465 --> 00:07:58,884
As the Cloud Rock says…
191
00:07:58,968 --> 00:08:02,554
BOTH: "You have found
yourself in your struggle." Wow.
192
00:08:02,638 --> 00:08:04,556
"The truth is what you came for,
193
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,934
"and you found it within your strife."
194
00:08:08,018 --> 00:08:09,394
Well, that was cool.
195
00:08:09,478 --> 00:08:11,772
BOTH: "Be brave for Tolgan."
There's more.
196
00:08:11,939 --> 00:08:17,110
"Tolgan the last,
Tolgan the first, Tolgan."
197
00:08:17,194 --> 00:08:18,945
"Tolgan."
198
00:08:19,029 --> 00:08:20,906
Is it over? Yes.
199
00:08:20,990 --> 00:08:22,575
This is the best day of my life.
200
00:08:22,659 --> 00:08:23,701
You have three kids, Terry.
201
00:08:23,785 --> 00:08:25,912
I said what I said! All right.
202
00:08:26,705 --> 00:08:27,747
[LAUGHS]
203
00:08:27,831 --> 00:08:29,415
Cousin Sam! Chucky!
204
00:08:29,499 --> 00:08:30,541
Up high.
205
00:08:30,625 --> 00:08:31,667
Down low.
206
00:08:31,751 --> 00:08:33,294
BOTH: Butts! Butts! Butts!
207
00:08:33,378 --> 00:08:35,713
Oh, man, I love this shirt.
Where'd you get that?
208
00:08:35,797 --> 00:08:37,173
Oh. Mervyn's. Mervyn's.
209
00:08:37,257 --> 00:08:38,299
[BOTH LAUGHING]
210
00:08:38,383 --> 00:08:41,678
Gina, get your rear over here.
Sam, you've gotta meet Gina.
211
00:08:41,845 --> 00:08:43,763
Oh, already did.
She took me out for dinner.
212
00:08:43,847 --> 00:08:46,015
Yeah, I just wanted to
get to know Sam better
213
00:08:46,099 --> 00:08:48,017
and talk about the upcoming vacation.
214
00:08:48,101 --> 00:08:51,771
I got him his favorite, egg salad
on white, bowl of cottage cheese…
215
00:08:51,855 --> 00:08:53,898
Hard-boiled egg on the side.
Hard-boiled egg on the side.
216
00:08:53,982 --> 00:08:54,983
Oh, no.
217
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:56,360
Oh, yes.
218
00:08:56,444 --> 00:09:00,156
Turns out Sam here also
thinks we should go to Aruba.
219
00:09:00,322 --> 00:09:01,531
I know it sounds crazy,
220
00:09:01,615 --> 00:09:04,410
but the Caribbean might
be more fun than Iowa.
221
00:09:04,869 --> 00:09:06,244
In what universe?
222
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:07,996
I'd tell you to pack sunscreen,
223
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,958
but, mmm, looks like
you already got burned.
224
00:09:11,208 --> 00:09:14,920
Uh-oh, did I?
'Cause my skin still tastes pretty raw.
225
00:09:15,004 --> 00:09:17,339
Ew. Sorry, vote's in. 13-2, Iowa.
226
00:09:17,423 --> 00:09:22,469
For now, but I have a whole
day of Boyle cousins scheduled,
227
00:09:22,553 --> 00:09:26,599
starting with Bobby Boyle
at 3:00 for afternoon eggs.
228
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:29,227
You think you can pick us off one-by-one?
229
00:09:29,311 --> 00:09:31,479
Yeah. Well, you can.
230
00:09:31,563 --> 00:09:33,732
Boyles are very weak as individuals.
231
00:09:33,857 --> 00:09:36,401
But together, we're unbreakable.
232
00:09:36,485 --> 00:09:37,986
I'm calling a council of the cousins.
233
00:09:38,070 --> 00:09:40,420
[MOANS] I'm scared!
Just kidding. Come on, Sam.
234
00:09:40,989 --> 00:09:42,032
Sam, stay.
235
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,284
Sam, come. [WHISTLES] Sam, stay.
236
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:46,119
Come on, Sam. Sam, stay.
237
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,663
Come on. Stay.
238
00:09:48,747 --> 00:09:50,165
Come. [CLICKS TONGUE] Stay.
239
00:09:50,332 --> 00:09:54,168
All right, let's get on this case.
I can't let my hero die.
240
00:09:54,252 --> 00:09:56,671
Great. Parlov is in town for
a reading of his new book,
241
00:09:56,755 --> 00:09:59,466
The Skyfire Cycle: A Bridge to Jarcata.
242
00:09:59,550 --> 00:10:02,803
Ah, ah.
It's actually pronounced "Jarca-a."
243
00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,680
All the T's in Skyfire are silent.
244
00:10:04,764 --> 00:10:06,140
This book sounds impossible to read.
245
00:10:06,224 --> 00:10:07,725
[LAUGHS] I know, right? Okay.
246
00:10:07,809 --> 00:10:10,019
All the death threats were sent
from New York, so the perp is local.
247
00:10:10,103 --> 00:10:12,104
They'll probably strike at the
book reading tomorrow night.
248
00:10:12,188 --> 00:10:14,857
And he's probably camped out on
the street with the other fan boys.
249
00:10:14,941 --> 00:10:16,275
They've been lined up for three days.
250
00:10:16,359 --> 00:10:18,360
To listen to an old man read a story?
251
00:10:18,444 --> 00:10:19,611
I will never understand this world.
252
00:10:19,695 --> 00:10:23,032
You once took a train to Toronto to
get a Canadian VHS copy of Die Hard.
253
00:10:23,116 --> 00:10:25,617
There was a rumor it was better
sound quality! Get a grip, Terry.
254
00:10:25,701 --> 00:10:30,039
We just need a way to compare the
fans' handwriting to the death threats.
255
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,503
Oh! We get them to sign a petition
to make Qwandor the dragon a male.
256
00:10:34,711 --> 00:10:37,964
Ooh, "smorf." But are we going
to fit in there dressed like this?
257
00:10:38,048 --> 00:10:40,551
No. No, we're not.
258
00:10:50,144 --> 00:10:53,730
Sign our petition to make
Qwandor the dragon a male!
259
00:10:53,814 --> 00:10:57,442
There are already enough girl characters.
We don't need a third!
260
00:11:00,112 --> 00:11:01,613
Good evening, sir. No, it's not.
261
00:11:01,697 --> 00:11:04,200
I haven't slept, because I've been
going over that stupid problem.
262
00:11:04,284 --> 00:11:06,243
Now, I finally understand Kevin's side.
263
00:11:06,327 --> 00:11:09,080
Cool, so, it's all better and I never
have to hear about math again?
264
00:11:09,164 --> 00:11:12,833
Quite the opposite. I know better
than ever how incorrect he is.
265
00:11:12,917 --> 00:11:14,210
Probability doesn't kick in.
266
00:11:14,294 --> 00:11:16,420
Do I have to teach you
college-level statistics?
267
00:11:16,504 --> 00:11:18,464
I don't know, do I have to
teach you high-school statistics?
268
00:11:18,548 --> 00:11:20,674
Do I have to teach you
eighth-grade statistics?
269
00:11:20,758 --> 00:11:22,301
Do I have to teach you
seventh-grade statistics?
270
00:11:22,385 --> 00:11:23,511
Do I have to teach you…
271
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:25,054
Now, if you'll excuse me, Detectives,
272
00:11:25,138 --> 00:11:29,141
I need to leave him a snide
voicemail about kindergarten statistics.
273
00:11:29,225 --> 00:11:30,434
[SIGHS]
274
00:11:30,518 --> 00:11:34,772
Okay, we have got to explain this thing to
Captain Holt to save their relationship.
275
00:11:34,856 --> 00:11:37,734
And you laughed at me when I went
to that weekend-long math conference.
276
00:11:37,818 --> 00:11:40,278
Because you called it, "Funky
cats and their feisty stats."
277
00:11:40,362 --> 00:11:42,489
That was the name! It was so cool.
278
00:11:42,573 --> 00:11:44,157
It was not.
Anyway, it's not about the math.
279
00:11:44,241 --> 00:11:45,951
They haven't seen each
other because of the night shift.
280
00:11:46,035 --> 00:11:47,077
They just need to bone.
281
00:11:47,161 --> 00:11:49,747
What? Gross! Rosa, those are our dads!
282
00:11:50,122 --> 00:11:53,458
I mean… [CHUCKLES] That's not
what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.
283
00:11:53,542 --> 00:11:55,878
Wow.
Never mind, I'm teaching Father the math!
284
00:11:56,712 --> 00:11:57,755
Whatever, Rosa.
285
00:11:58,881 --> 00:12:00,799
To be honest, Terry, I'm
feeling a little lame out here.
286
00:12:00,883 --> 00:12:01,967
I mean, you've got this cool sword,
287
00:12:02,051 --> 00:12:03,802
and I'm wearing what, a potato sack?
288
00:12:03,886 --> 00:12:05,303
You're my noble squire.
289
00:12:05,387 --> 00:12:07,139
You should be thankful for that burlap,
290
00:12:07,223 --> 00:12:08,933
it's hiding your terrible
failed castration.
291
00:12:09,017 --> 00:12:10,476
Oh, my God, I hate these books.
292
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,603
Are you the guys passing
out the Qwandor petition?
293
00:12:12,687 --> 00:12:14,147
Yup, that's us. Dragons have dongs.
294
00:12:14,231 --> 00:12:17,483
You bet they do.
And this isn't about sexism.
295
00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:20,361
I mean, it's just that women
aren't strong enough to be dragons.
296
00:12:20,445 --> 00:12:22,614
Now, handeth me yon petish.
297
00:12:22,906 --> 00:12:24,199
Okay.
298
00:12:24,324 --> 00:12:25,449
PERALTA: Petish handeth yon'd.
299
00:12:25,533 --> 00:12:29,954
This is a start, but if you
really want Parlov to hear you,
300
00:12:30,038 --> 00:12:32,415
you're going to have to
send a message in blood.
301
00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:38,880
I think we've got a suspect. Let's ride.
302
00:12:38,964 --> 00:12:41,049
Whoa, that's very heavy. [GRUNTS]
303
00:12:41,217 --> 00:12:43,343
Halitosis Frodo's got
to be our guy, right?
304
00:12:43,427 --> 00:12:44,553
Oh, yeah.
305
00:12:44,637 --> 00:12:48,516
"A message in blood" is a
reference to book one, page 843.
306
00:12:48,641 --> 00:12:51,435
After Wendivil betrayed
Prince Clevang, murdered him,
307
00:12:51,519 --> 00:12:53,478
and used his blood to
write letters to his children.
308
00:12:53,562 --> 00:12:55,439
Do you talk about this stuff with Sharon?
309
00:12:55,523 --> 00:12:57,483
No. She hates it. Yeah, makes sense.
310
00:12:57,650 --> 00:12:59,526
[GROANS] This writing doesn't match up.
311
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:00,861
I'm going to send it to the lab, anyway.
312
00:13:00,945 --> 00:13:02,362
Yeah, I don't think that's necessary.
313
00:13:02,446 --> 00:13:04,949
Why not?
Because I just found a perfect match.
314
00:13:06,409 --> 00:13:09,495
Parlov wrote the death threats.
He sent them to himself.
315
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:12,123
Terry did not see that coming.
316
00:13:15,168 --> 00:13:17,128
PERALTA: And that is a perfect match.
317
00:13:17,212 --> 00:13:18,463
This is crazy.
318
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:21,174
Why would Parlov send
himself a death threat?
319
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,009
For publicity? I mean, he was on TV.
320
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:25,303
His book is on the best-seller
list for the first time in years.
321
00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:28,806
Parlov doesn't need any help.
He's already famous, rich.
322
00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,475
He's got more babes than he can handle.
323
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:33,186
Come on, that guy?
Now, you're just lying to prove a point.
324
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:35,563
He pulls, Jake. He pulls.
325
00:13:35,647 --> 00:13:39,484
Ugh. Look, I know how it is.
It can be disappointing to meet your hero.
326
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:40,818
I mean, just like me and Patrick Ewing.
327
00:13:40,902 --> 00:13:41,986
You said that went great.
328
00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:43,738
I lied. It was a disaster.
329
00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:45,657
Excuse me, Mr. Ewing,
my name is Jake Peralta…
330
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,577
Oh, no. Hey.
331
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,746
You're my favorite player.
332
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:52,206
You pantsing Patrick Ewing
has nothing to do with this.
333
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,667
It doesn't?
Oh, my God, why did I share that story?
334
00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:57,419
There is no way Parlov
sent himself that death threat.
335
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,296
Look, we are going to go to his hotel,
336
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,840
we're going to talk to him,
and he'll have an explanation.
337
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,509
Whatever you need. Screw you, Peralta!
338
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,970
I'm sorry, I thought you
were going to disagree.
339
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,639
Thank you for your support.
It really means a lot to me.
340
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:09,974
[SIGHS, BLOWS RASPBERRIES]
341
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,184
Is, uh, everything okay, Santiago?
342
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,019
No, I lost my ring.
343
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,272
Did you see where it went? Actually…
344
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:21,111
It's behind one of these three doors.
Why don't you pick one?
345
00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:25,323
Are you trying to Monty Hall me?
It's unbelievable.
346
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,701
I don't need Monty Hall
ruining my place of work
347
00:14:27,785 --> 00:14:30,120
when Monty Hall has
already ruined my home life.
348
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:32,038
Come on, sir, the math
thing isn't the problem.
349
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:34,040
Night shift's keeping
you and Kevin apart.
350
00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:35,875
You two just need to bone.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
351
00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:37,377
What did you say? Don't say it again.
352
00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,546
I said you two need to bone. [WHIMPERS]
353
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:44,175
How dare you, Detective Diaz?
354
00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:47,471
I am your superior officer!
355
00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:48,680
[SHOUTING] "Bone"!
356
00:14:48,806 --> 00:14:52,476
What happens in my bedroom,
Detective, is none of your business.
357
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:53,936
[SHOUTING] "Bone"?
358
00:14:54,020 --> 00:14:56,523
[CALMLY] Don't ever
speak to me like that again.
359
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:00,901
Why did you do that?
360
00:15:00,985 --> 00:15:04,071
Dude was pent up.
Now, he knows. Problem solved.
361
00:15:04,155 --> 00:15:05,198
[SIGHS]
362
00:15:06,199 --> 00:15:08,075
The council of the cousins.
363
00:15:08,159 --> 00:15:10,953
Look at them. It's like a Beige of Pigs.
364
00:15:11,037 --> 00:15:14,498
Gina, you seem rattled.
You don't normally make puns.
365
00:15:14,582 --> 00:15:15,834
That's a pun? On what?
366
00:15:16,418 --> 00:15:18,836
Listen, Charles, I'm
going to sway the council.
367
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,631
So, give up now, unless you enjoy
being humiliated in front of your family.
368
00:15:22,715 --> 00:15:24,926
Oh, you think I'd be
embarrassed in front of them?
369
00:15:25,010 --> 00:15:28,764
In front of Don Boyle?
I changed his diapers.
370
00:15:28,848 --> 00:15:30,850
And I'm about to change yours.
371
00:15:31,225 --> 00:15:32,267
Ugh.
372
00:15:32,351 --> 00:15:33,602
Hello, cousins.
373
00:15:33,853 --> 00:15:37,481
Bobby, Brendan, Bill,
Bernard, boy Corey, girl Corey.
374
00:15:37,606 --> 00:15:42,319
Papa Boyle once said,
"Stay in the middle.
375
00:15:42,403 --> 00:15:43,696
"That's where it's safe.
376
00:15:43,946 --> 00:15:45,322
"That's where we thrive."
377
00:15:45,489 --> 00:15:47,700
That's Iowa.
378
00:15:47,825 --> 00:15:52,788
Charles will have you believe
that Aruba isn't for the Boyles.
379
00:15:52,872 --> 00:15:57,293
But picture this, one long
banana boat with the 15 of us on it,
380
00:15:57,377 --> 00:15:59,420
holding each other by the waist,
381
00:15:59,504 --> 00:16:02,340
having the time of our damn lives.
382
00:16:02,424 --> 00:16:05,468
Do we really want to go where
Pirates of the Caribbean took place?
383
00:16:05,552 --> 00:16:07,220
-Yes!
-ALL: Yes!
384
00:16:07,345 --> 00:16:09,806
No!
That movie gave us nightmares for months!
385
00:16:09,890 --> 00:16:10,932
[CROWD GROANS]
386
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:13,935
Y'all know I got y'all aqua socks!
387
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,813
Oh! Size sevens for everybody.
388
00:16:16,897 --> 00:16:20,608
In conclusion, Boyles
are nothing if not loyal.
389
00:16:20,692 --> 00:16:23,904
Loyal to our favorite brand
of peanut butter, Mr. Nuts.
390
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:28,242
Loyal to each other and loyal to Iowa.
391
00:16:28,326 --> 00:16:30,119
-I love you.
-ALL: I love you.
392
00:16:30,244 --> 00:16:34,332
I'm Gina Linetti, and I
approve this message.
393
00:16:34,457 --> 00:16:36,500
[LAUGHS] I love you.
394
00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:37,751
ALL: I love you.
395
00:16:37,835 --> 00:16:38,961
I love you, too.
396
00:16:39,045 --> 00:16:41,672
You guys both did so good.
397
00:16:41,756 --> 00:16:44,556
I think we'll sleep on it,
and we'll vote in the morning.
398
00:16:44,675 --> 00:16:46,052
Council adjourned.
399
00:16:46,219 --> 00:16:48,513
-I love you.
-ALL: I love you.
400
00:16:48,638 --> 00:16:49,764
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
401
00:16:51,265 --> 00:16:52,433
Hey. What's up guys?
402
00:16:52,517 --> 00:16:53,976
Look, I'm sorry, I'm
a little busy right now.
403
00:16:54,060 --> 00:16:56,437
I've got some female
companions over, you know.
404
00:16:56,521 --> 00:16:59,571
Oh, really? What are they,
like, some nerdy sci-fi fans, or…
405
00:16:59,941 --> 00:17:02,986
Good Lord.
I don't know what I'm looking at.
406
00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:06,948
I told you, man, he pulls. He pulls.
407
00:17:07,032 --> 00:17:09,951
Okay, stop saying "pulls."
Mr. Parlov, we have to talk to you.
408
00:17:10,035 --> 00:17:11,911
Now, we're not accusing you of anything.
409
00:17:11,995 --> 00:17:13,705
We just want to ask a few questions.
410
00:17:13,789 --> 00:17:15,373
You know, we're probably wrong.
411
00:17:15,457 --> 00:17:17,208
We should just go. Sarge, no.
412
00:17:17,292 --> 00:17:18,502
God, you're strong!
413
00:17:18,627 --> 00:17:21,421
Mr. Parlov, did you send yourself
those death threats for publicity?
414
00:17:21,505 --> 00:17:23,965
Are you kidding me?
I have no need for publicity.
415
00:17:24,049 --> 00:17:25,341
The handwriting in the death threats
416
00:17:25,425 --> 00:17:28,052
matches perfectly with the
inscription you wrote to Terry.
417
00:17:28,136 --> 00:17:31,974
Yeah, tell you the truth, I didn't
actually write this inscription myself.
418
00:17:32,474 --> 00:17:34,393
BOTH: What? Come on, you guys, grow up.
419
00:17:34,477 --> 00:17:36,061
You think I have time to
answer each letter I get
420
00:17:36,145 --> 00:17:38,105
from every sad little
fat kid that writes me?
421
00:17:38,189 --> 00:17:39,732
Come on. That's why I've got assistants,
422
00:17:39,816 --> 00:17:41,108
precisely for that sort of crap.
423
00:17:41,192 --> 00:17:42,318
But you said you remembered me.
424
00:17:42,402 --> 00:17:44,195
Because you were the
cop assigned to my case.
425
00:17:44,279 --> 00:17:45,905
Look, I didn't want to piss you off.
426
00:17:45,989 --> 00:17:48,157
The man you're looking
for, he's my ex-assistant.
427
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:50,910
His name is Edmund Grail.
The guy hates me.
428
00:17:50,994 --> 00:17:53,078
I slept with his wife, so,
naturally, I had to fire him.
429
00:17:53,162 --> 00:17:54,330
Yeah, that's a cool story.
430
00:17:54,414 --> 00:17:56,207
After that, I got sort of
involved with his sister.
431
00:17:56,291 --> 00:17:57,750
It was kind of hot… Please stop talking.
432
00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:58,876
Fine.
433
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,504
I have a little bit of
research to attend to myself,
434
00:18:01,588 --> 00:18:02,838
if you understand what I'm talking about.
435
00:18:02,922 --> 00:18:06,677
Enjoy having sex with three
gorgeous women in cosplay.
436
00:18:06,844 --> 00:18:10,972
Well, that went terribly. I'm so sorry.
437
00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:13,956
Do you need a moment alone,
or you want to talk about it…
438
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:17,229
Yep. Yep, that works, too.
439
00:18:19,023 --> 00:18:22,526
Hey, good news. I found the
address of Parlov's old assistant.
440
00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:25,612
I'm going to go over there and
question him. You want to come?
441
00:18:25,696 --> 00:18:28,448
Maybe he won't open the door
and you'll have to kick it down.
442
00:18:28,532 --> 00:18:29,658
That always cheers you up.
443
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,451
I don't feel like kicking down doors.
444
00:18:31,535 --> 00:18:33,036
What about running
really fast through a wall,
445
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,788
leaving a perfect outline of your body?
446
00:18:34,872 --> 00:18:36,206
Like a cartoon? Mmm-hmm.
447
00:18:36,290 --> 00:18:38,626
No.
I'm just going to sit here and think about
448
00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:42,213
how the words I lived by
my entire life are a big fat lie.
449
00:18:42,297 --> 00:18:44,131
Look, Sarge, I understand what it's like
450
00:18:44,215 --> 00:18:46,634
to have a hero who doesn't
act the way you want him to.
451
00:18:46,718 --> 00:18:48,761
It's not going to be about
Patrick Ewing again, is it?
452
00:18:48,845 --> 00:18:51,430
No, and it's not about John
Starks, either, who I also pantsed.
453
00:18:51,514 --> 00:18:52,932
How many Knicks have you pantsed?
454
00:18:53,016 --> 00:18:56,394
Including coaches, five,
but that's not the point.
455
00:18:56,478 --> 00:18:58,479
The hero I was talking about is you.
456
00:18:58,563 --> 00:19:02,024
You're a great cop and
dad and husband and boss.
457
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:04,277
And also, you always smell
just a little bit like vanilla.
458
00:19:04,361 --> 00:19:05,820
That's my soap.
459
00:19:05,904 --> 00:19:06,946
I got it at Lush.
460
00:19:07,072 --> 00:19:08,990
You're who I want to
be when I grow up, Terry.
461
00:19:09,074 --> 00:19:10,826
And you should know
that some dumb inscription
462
00:19:10,910 --> 00:19:13,078
on some stupid book isn't
what made you who you are.
463
00:19:13,162 --> 00:19:14,997
And it bums me out
that you can't see that.
464
00:19:15,081 --> 00:19:17,791
Now, I'm going to go get this bad guy,
465
00:19:17,875 --> 00:19:19,919
because that's what you taught me to do.
466
00:19:21,253 --> 00:19:23,463
Also, what was the name
of the soap store again?
467
00:19:23,547 --> 00:19:25,497
Forget it. I'll just look it up online.
468
00:19:25,925 --> 00:19:27,593
Okay, we're both here, Sam. Go ahead.
469
00:19:27,677 --> 00:19:28,969
SAM [ON PHONE]:
Well, it was a real hard decision,
470
00:19:29,053 --> 00:19:31,972
but, ultimately, we decided
the Boyles are going to Aruba.
471
00:19:32,181 --> 00:19:33,641
Oh! [SUCKS TEETH]
472
00:19:33,766 --> 00:19:35,601
All right, Sam, well,
I'm happy to hear that.
473
00:19:35,685 --> 00:19:39,021
I think the sun's going to be
really good for everyone's psoriasis.
474
00:19:39,105 --> 00:19:40,689
SAM: We're all so excited.
475
00:19:40,773 --> 00:19:43,443
All right, I love you, Charles.
I love you, Gina.
476
00:19:43,527 --> 00:19:44,569
Whoops. Lost you.
477
00:19:45,195 --> 00:19:46,487
It was almost too easy.
478
00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:48,948
I'm like the Temple
Grandin of herding Boyles.
479
00:19:49,032 --> 00:19:50,742
Yes, you are.
480
00:19:51,076 --> 00:19:52,744
What? Why are you smiling?
I don't get it.
481
00:19:52,828 --> 00:19:54,329
I won. Did you?
482
00:19:54,454 --> 00:19:57,206
You were so busy trying to
beat the Boyles, you became one.
483
00:19:57,290 --> 00:20:00,752
You learned about our likes and
dislikes, our allergies and our phobias.
484
00:20:00,836 --> 00:20:03,129
You even bought cousin Sherman
a scrunchie for his ponytail.
485
00:20:03,213 --> 00:20:04,422
Yeah, so I could win.
486
00:20:04,506 --> 00:20:08,009
And you did win.
A plot in the family cemetery.
487
00:20:08,093 --> 00:20:11,137
All of us together, lying
in a grave for eternity!
488
00:20:11,221 --> 00:20:14,642
"Grave" singular?
Charles, "grave" singular?
489
00:20:14,809 --> 00:20:17,186
Oh, Captain, I know you don't
want to talk about Monty Hall,
490
00:20:17,270 --> 00:20:18,771
but I did contact a math professor…
491
00:20:18,855 --> 00:20:20,731
No need, Santiago. It's all good.
492
00:20:20,815 --> 00:20:22,399
So the fight with Kevin is over? Yep.
493
00:20:22,483 --> 00:20:23,984
Because you understand the math now?
Nope.
494
00:20:24,068 --> 00:20:25,820
DIAZ: Because you guys… Yep.
495
00:20:26,028 --> 00:20:29,740
Knew it.
See, what happened is, your dads had sex.
496
00:20:29,824 --> 00:20:30,908
Okay, Rosa.
497
00:20:31,868 --> 00:20:33,035
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
498
00:20:33,911 --> 00:20:35,371
PERALTA: Edmund Grail?
499
00:20:35,455 --> 00:20:37,498
Who wants to know? NYPD.
500
00:20:37,582 --> 00:20:39,750
I need to ask you a few
questions about DC Parlov.
501
00:20:39,834 --> 00:20:42,712
Okay. Let me just undo the chain.
502
00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:48,177
[FAINT CLATTERING]
503
00:20:49,052 --> 00:20:51,054
Son of a bitch.
504
00:20:55,142 --> 00:20:56,268
Freeze!
505
00:20:57,186 --> 00:21:01,190
[GRUNTS] Taste the might of Ka'Lar!
506
00:21:02,065 --> 00:21:03,442
Get him out of here.
507
00:21:05,527 --> 00:21:06,569
Nice work, Sarge.
508
00:21:06,653 --> 00:21:09,698
You were right. Who cares about Parlov?
509
00:21:09,782 --> 00:21:11,158
We write our own stories.
510
00:21:11,283 --> 00:21:13,535
So, welcome to the Terry Chronicles.
511
00:21:13,619 --> 00:21:16,663
Book One: The Arrest of Edmund Grail.
512
00:21:16,747 --> 00:21:20,376
Followed by Book Two:
The Ravishing of Sharon.
513
00:21:20,543 --> 00:21:22,795
I am so sorry.
I'm just pumped that you showed up.
514
00:21:22,879 --> 00:21:23,963
I couldn't let you down.
515
00:21:24,047 --> 00:21:26,465
And that is why you are my hero.
516
00:21:26,549 --> 00:21:28,342
Come on. Bring it in, big fella.
517
00:21:28,426 --> 00:21:29,677
[GRUNTS]
518
00:21:29,761 --> 00:21:32,596
Oh, no! It happened again!
519
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,808
It happened again, Terry!