1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:02,301 --> 00:00:04,014 - Hey, buddy. - Hi, Uncle Charlie. 2 00:00:04,183 --> 00:00:07,110 - Ready for a fun weekend? - He's not gonna have a fun weekend. 3 00:00:07,279 --> 00:00:10,039 Charlie, he's gonna study for a history test on Monday. 4 00:00:10,374 --> 00:00:13,968 Well, if believing that gets you back in your car, I'll play along. 5 00:00:14,976 --> 00:00:16,808 - Where's Alan? - He's not here. 6 00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,781 Really? I told him I was on my way. 7 00:00:18,950 --> 00:00:20,913 That might be why he's not here. 8 00:00:21,083 --> 00:00:23,629 Okay, I'll just have to go over everything with you. 9 00:00:23,802 --> 00:00:25,349 I'm gonna visit my parents. 10 00:00:25,518 --> 00:00:28,944 I won't pick Jake up till Wednesday. Alan has to take him to school. 11 00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:30,447 Monday is soccer practice. 12 00:00:30,621 --> 00:00:33,464 He has his math tutor and his guitar teacher on Tuesday... 13 00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:34,751 Hang on. Hang on. 14 00:00:45,095 --> 00:00:47,058 Oh, hi, Judith. 15 00:00:47,228 --> 00:00:49,477 Alan, why are you avoiding me? 16 00:00:49,654 --> 00:00:54,330 - I'm not avoiding you as much as... - Hiding. 17 00:00:55,218 --> 00:00:57,263 - Thank you. - Why were you hiding? 18 00:00:57,435 --> 00:01:01,028 Why does the wounded gazelle hide from the stealthy jaguar? 19 00:01:02,580 --> 00:01:05,506 Why does the helpless piglet hide from ravenous wolverine? 20 00:01:08,144 --> 00:01:09,393 Animal Planet. 21 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,950 You learn a lot. 22 00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:15,919 We need to talk about your pain-in-the-ass mother. 23 00:01:16,092 --> 00:01:17,507 You know, I would love to... 24 00:01:17,681 --> 00:01:21,477 ...but as Charlie told you, I'm not here. - I let her take Jake out to dinner. 25 00:01:21,655 --> 00:01:25,534 She brought him home and she lectured me for 15 minutes about his dirty ears. 26 00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:28,842 - Fifteen minutes, huh? - How long is this gonna take? 27 00:01:29,018 --> 00:01:30,302 Like I'm a bad parent. 28 00:01:30,482 --> 00:01:33,611 Let her try and get a Q-Tip in a squirming 11 -year-old boy's ear. 29 00:01:33,787 --> 00:01:37,082 Mom didn't believe in Q-Tips. She had a squirt gun. 30 00:01:37,259 --> 00:01:39,971 You know, the woolly meerkat of western Africa... 31 00:01:40,145 --> 00:01:43,405 ...buries her cubs up to their necks and licks their ears clean. 32 00:01:44,956 --> 00:01:47,038 What? It seemed apropos. 33 00:01:47,214 --> 00:01:49,795 If she wants to spend time with her grandson... 34 00:01:49,975 --> 00:01:52,307 ...she needs to back off. - Okay, I'll tell her. 35 00:01:52,485 --> 00:01:55,531 - Thank you. - I'll tell Alan you stopped by. 36 00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:08,202 Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what? 37 00:02:08,381 --> 00:02:11,010 - I don't remember. - You just read that chapter. 38 00:02:11,184 --> 00:02:14,397 Yeah, but Lewis and Clark was a long time ago. 39 00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:18,284 Thanks for the ride, Sally. 40 00:02:18,881 --> 00:02:22,057 And for getting me home too. 41 00:02:23,441 --> 00:02:26,617 - Why is that funny? - It's not. 42 00:02:26,787 --> 00:02:29,916 Mustang Sally, giddyup. 43 00:02:31,514 --> 00:02:33,429 Now, Lewis and Clark. 44 00:02:33,606 --> 00:02:35,819 Face it, Dad, I'm just not good at history. 45 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:38,155 Really? What did you have for lunch yesterday? 46 00:02:39,044 --> 00:02:42,303 A pizza square. Actually, two pizza squares, a ice cream sandwich... 47 00:02:42,474 --> 00:02:45,400 ...and a bag of Skittles. - Okay, see, that's history. 48 00:02:45,569 --> 00:02:47,699 And a Ding Dong and a diet root beer. 49 00:02:48,289 --> 00:02:50,168 - Great. - Wait. It wasn't a Ding Dong. 50 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,135 - It was a Ho Ho. - Got it. 51 00:02:54,145 --> 00:02:57,821 You know what I like? Those big, pink things with coconut. 52 00:02:57,993 --> 00:03:01,872 - Snow Balls? - Exactly. Can you still get those? 53 00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:04,977 Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven. 54 00:03:05,147 --> 00:03:07,192 Thank you. 55 00:03:07,364 --> 00:03:10,041 Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven? 56 00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:13,378 No, we are trying to study. 57 00:03:13,555 --> 00:03:15,184 All right, I'll hoof it. 58 00:03:16,316 --> 00:03:18,480 - Can I bring you back something? - Ding Dong. 59 00:03:18,658 --> 00:03:20,621 Who's there? 60 00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:22,921 I'm trying to get him ready for his test. 61 00:03:23,092 --> 00:03:28,184 Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead. I'll pretend I'm not here. 62 00:03:29,116 --> 00:03:33,173 Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what? 63 00:03:33,341 --> 00:03:34,720 Louisiana Purchase. 64 00:03:37,357 --> 00:03:38,986 - Right. - I knew that. 65 00:03:39,156 --> 00:03:41,238 Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first. 66 00:03:41,415 --> 00:03:43,747 And I'm still buzzed. 67 00:03:45,807 --> 00:03:48,852 - Okay, give me another question. - All right. 68 00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:51,954 Seward's Folly is another name for? 69 00:03:52,123 --> 00:03:53,456 - Jake? - Alaska. 70 00:03:53,629 --> 00:03:58,389 - Very good. - Oh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward. 71 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,454 Okay, the score is 1 to 1. 72 00:04:02,623 --> 00:04:04,086 Now that you mention it... 73 00:04:04,255 --> 00:04:06,967 ...an Eskimo Pie would go down pretty good right now. 74 00:04:07,768 --> 00:04:09,565 Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven? 75 00:04:11,366 --> 00:04:12,865 No, next question: 76 00:04:13,039 --> 00:04:16,002 - The War of 1812... - 1812. 77 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:20,437 - No. - 1813. 78 00:04:21,071 --> 00:04:22,403 Let me finish the question. 79 00:04:22,577 --> 00:04:25,254 The War of 1812 was fought against whom? 80 00:04:25,421 --> 00:04:27,801 - The British. - Very good, 2 to 1, Jake. 81 00:04:27,973 --> 00:04:31,316 - Yes. - No fair. My buzzer's broken. 82 00:04:32,449 --> 00:04:35,792 - Next question. - Let me try yours. 83 00:04:37,469 --> 00:04:39,432 See? His works. 84 00:04:43,995 --> 00:04:46,374 All right, contestants, we are at the final round. 85 00:04:46,546 --> 00:04:47,926 The questions are worth more. 86 00:04:48,094 --> 00:04:50,938 - And the answers are harder. - True. 87 00:04:53,198 --> 00:04:56,873 - Wait for a question. - Okay. 88 00:04:57,046 --> 00:05:00,389 Here we go. Name three changes in American life... 89 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,725 ...brought about by the industrial revolution. 90 00:05:03,739 --> 00:05:09,129 Populations shift to cities, employment moving from farms to factories, and... 91 00:05:10,558 --> 00:05:13,687 - Yes? - Sorry, I hit it by mistake. 92 00:05:16,163 --> 00:05:18,078 - Settlement of the West. - That's correct. 93 00:05:18,255 --> 00:05:20,467 - You are our new champion. - Yes. 94 00:05:20,639 --> 00:05:23,018 Settlement of the West. 95 00:05:23,191 --> 00:05:26,867 - You see, Jake? You know this stuff. - Yeah, I guess I do. 96 00:05:27,039 --> 00:05:30,418 - Trust me, you are gonna do great. - Yeah, thanks, Dad. 97 00:05:30,595 --> 00:05:32,558 You're welcome. Now go get ready for bed. 98 00:05:32,728 --> 00:05:36,738 - I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in. - Okey-dokey. 99 00:05:44,148 --> 00:05:47,444 Oh, I gotta get a security camera. 100 00:05:47,620 --> 00:05:49,785 Where's your brother? I wanna talk to him. 101 00:05:49,963 --> 00:05:52,723 - He's not here. - Oh, really? 102 00:05:52,891 --> 00:05:55,936 No, he's actually not here. 103 00:05:56,112 --> 00:05:57,944 You know what his ex-wife said to me? 104 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,119 Mom, please go away. 105 00:06:00,295 --> 00:06:03,091 She never calls me "Mom," but that was the gist of it. 106 00:06:03,642 --> 00:06:04,926 I took Jake out to dinner... 107 00:06:05,106 --> 00:06:07,401 - You're pretending not to understand me. - Right. 108 00:06:07,574 --> 00:06:10,155 And all I did was suggest to Judith... 109 00:06:10,335 --> 00:06:14,427 ...that she might wanna pay a little more attention to her son's ear hygiene. 110 00:06:14,602 --> 00:06:17,065 Not only was she completely unappreciative... 111 00:06:17,237 --> 00:06:20,616 ...but she had the nerve to denigrate how I raised my sons. 112 00:06:20,793 --> 00:06:24,052 Yeah, because we turned out so well. 113 00:06:24,223 --> 00:06:28,149 Excuse me, but whatever emotional issues you think you have... 114 00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:31,285 ...I kept your ears spotless. 115 00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:33,589 I remember. You used the same Super Soaker... 116 00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:36,009 ...to keep us off the furniture. 117 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,983 Ladies and gentlemen... 118 00:06:38,153 --> 00:06:43,793 ...presenting noted scholar and A-student, Jake Harper. 119 00:06:46,310 --> 00:06:47,689 - You got an A? - I got an A. 120 00:06:47,858 --> 00:06:51,117 - All right. Way to go. - Congratulations, Jake. 121 00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:56,094 - Thanks. It's my first A this year. - Really? Well, it's none too soon then. 122 00:06:56,266 --> 00:06:58,514 - Mom, leave it alone. - I'm not saying anything. 123 00:06:58,692 --> 00:07:01,737 I think it's wonderful. Did anybody else in your class get an A? 124 00:07:01,913 --> 00:07:03,495 Almost everybody. Why? 125 00:07:03,670 --> 00:07:06,168 Oh, I was just curious as to how hard the test was. 126 00:07:06,347 --> 00:07:08,144 It doesn't matter, Mom. Still an A. 127 00:07:08,313 --> 00:07:11,823 An A is very nice. I just don't know why you're making such a big fuss... 128 00:07:11,995 --> 00:07:15,421 ...if they're just handing them out like rubella vaccinations. 129 00:07:15,592 --> 00:07:18,090 I don't know. It looks like a pretty hard test to me. 130 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,443 - No, it was easy. - That's because you studied. 131 00:07:21,616 --> 00:07:24,114 - You earned that A. - Wendy Chow got an A-plus. 132 00:07:24,293 --> 00:07:26,541 You hear that? Wendy Chow got an A-plus. 133 00:07:26,719 --> 00:07:29,218 Wendy Chow is a freak of nature. 134 00:07:29,396 --> 00:07:31,942 She cloned a goldfish for the science fair. 135 00:07:32,116 --> 00:07:33,530 We can't compare Jake to her. 136 00:07:33,705 --> 00:07:37,250 Who should we compare him to then? The paste eaters and the unibrows? 137 00:07:38,181 --> 00:07:41,275 Darling, if you set the bar low in childhood... 138 00:07:41,444 --> 00:07:43,823 ...he may never reach the heights he's capable of. 139 00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:47,005 You're condemning him to a life of failure and mediocrity. 140 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:50,518 Is that what you want, Jake? A life of failure and mediocrity? 141 00:07:51,860 --> 00:07:53,239 No. 142 00:07:54,119 --> 00:07:57,629 You see? He may well be sharper than you give him credit for. 143 00:07:59,473 --> 00:08:01,306 I'm gonna go to my room. 144 00:08:02,025 --> 00:08:04,274 I am putting that A-paper up on the fridge. 145 00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:07,913 Wow. Texas used to be a separate country. 146 00:08:11,563 --> 00:08:13,526 Why did we change that? 147 00:08:14,491 --> 00:08:16,323 Not now, Charlie. How dare you? 148 00:08:17,001 --> 00:08:19,546 - Excuse me? - He worked hard on that test. 149 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,896 He was finally feeling good about himself and his abilities... 150 00:08:23,066 --> 00:08:25,065 ...and in 30 seconds you managed to suck... 151 00:08:25,242 --> 00:08:28,204 ...every bit of self-esteem out of him. You're like a... 152 00:08:28,379 --> 00:08:31,008 - A self-esteem sucker. - Yes, exactly. 153 00:08:32,102 --> 00:08:34,731 Alan, I was just having a conversation with the boy. 154 00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:37,534 No. No, you don't have conversations. You... 155 00:08:37,707 --> 00:08:40,122 Suck self-esteem. 156 00:08:42,267 --> 00:08:44,396 I would've gotten it. 157 00:08:44,568 --> 00:08:49,374 Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think I want you around my son anymore. 158 00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:52,135 - What? - You heard me. 159 00:08:52,307 --> 00:08:53,473 You will not do to him... 160 00:08:53,645 --> 00:08:56,655 ...what you did to me and Charlie. - What did I do to you? 161 00:08:56,824 --> 00:09:00,203 What did you do? What did she...? Charlie, tell her. 162 00:09:01,886 --> 00:09:05,062 Why tell her when we can show her? 163 00:09:10,294 --> 00:09:13,720 I see. So you're both turning against me. 164 00:09:13,892 --> 00:09:16,854 Oh, I turned a long time ago. 165 00:09:17,866 --> 00:09:20,411 Alan's just catching up. 166 00:09:21,170 --> 00:09:24,632 All right, fine. 167 00:09:24,810 --> 00:09:27,487 If I'm not welcome here... 168 00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:28,987 ...I'll leave. 169 00:09:34,933 --> 00:09:37,478 My own sons are throwing me out. 170 00:09:41,459 --> 00:09:43,124 Goodbye. 171 00:09:44,387 --> 00:09:46,385 This isn't over, is it? 172 00:09:47,482 --> 00:09:49,612 No, we're screwed. 173 00:09:56,476 --> 00:09:58,558 Let me guess. Mom? 174 00:09:58,735 --> 00:10:01,828 She's been calling all morning. I'm starting to feel guilty. 175 00:10:01,998 --> 00:10:05,793 You can't show weakness, Alan. She'll sense it. 176 00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:08,387 Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat... 177 00:10:08,565 --> 00:10:10,278 ...of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat. 178 00:10:12,539 --> 00:10:14,752 But don't you feel even a bit sorry for her? 179 00:10:14,924 --> 00:10:18,137 Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden-snake? 180 00:10:19,693 --> 00:10:24,118 Does the dingo feel sorry for the slow-crawling Australian baby? 181 00:10:26,428 --> 00:10:28,890 - You guys okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah. 182 00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,776 We're fine. Why? 183 00:10:30,945 --> 00:10:34,324 Your mother just called me. She said she's been trying to reach you... 184 00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,298 ...all morning and she's very worried. 185 00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:38,596 - We're fine, Rose. - We're not talking to her. 186 00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:43,110 Why? Because she tried to encourage Jake to live up to his potential? 187 00:10:43,286 --> 00:10:46,295 That's a reason to throw her out and slam the door in her face? 188 00:10:47,803 --> 00:10:50,218 How could you be so cruel to your own mother? 189 00:10:51,945 --> 00:10:55,740 And the dingo has found another Australian baby. 190 00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:59,346 Rose, that's not what happened. 191 00:10:59,516 --> 00:11:00,896 We were protecting Jake. 192 00:11:01,064 --> 00:11:04,443 How? By ripping his only grandmother out of his life? 193 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:08,463 - He has another grandmother. - Oh, right, the Sacramento pill-freak. 194 00:11:08,677 --> 00:11:10,842 Is that what she told you? 195 00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:13,018 For the record, Jake's other grandmother... 196 00:11:13,195 --> 00:11:15,241 ...is out of rehab and doing just fine. 197 00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:21,099 We appreciate your concern, Rose. Thanks for stopping by. 198 00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:23,648 So now you're just gonna slam the door in my face? 199 00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:25,653 Pretty much. 200 00:11:28,506 --> 00:11:30,920 Not as satisfying with a glass door. 201 00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:33,975 Okay, first she starts with the phone calls... 202 00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:36,485 ...then she sent Rose over. I wonder what's next. 203 00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,340 I don't know, but I'm betting it'll be something big. 204 00:11:43,314 --> 00:11:46,824 Right. I understand, it's terrible. 205 00:11:46,995 --> 00:11:50,171 Okay, let me see what I can do about it. 206 00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:53,268 How in the hell did your mother get my cell phone number? 207 00:11:59,001 --> 00:12:00,999 Sometimes, when the nest is threatened... 208 00:12:01,176 --> 00:12:05,852 ... the seemingly docile creatures have been known to eat their own young. 209 00:12:06,028 --> 00:12:09,204 Hey, did Mom call you at the office today? 210 00:12:09,375 --> 00:12:10,838 No, she call here? 211 00:12:11,006 --> 00:12:15,682 - No, it's been pretty quiet. - Yeah, maybe too quiet. 212 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,574 And here we see the female praying-mantis... 213 00:12:18,745 --> 00:12:22,290 ... after copulation, devouring her mate. 214 00:12:22,468 --> 00:12:25,728 Your ex-wife back from her parents'? 215 00:12:25,898 --> 00:12:28,444 Yeah, I dropped Jake off with her this afternoon. 216 00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:31,247 Apparently her mom had a little relapse with the pills. 217 00:12:31,420 --> 00:12:33,299 - Oh, yeah? - They found her in pajamas... 218 00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:37,776 ...driving an imaginary car through the home and garden section of Wal-Mart. 219 00:12:38,197 --> 00:12:40,874 How could they tell if she was driving an imaginary car? 220 00:12:41,041 --> 00:12:44,254 She rolled down the window to ask for directions to the pharmacy. 221 00:12:49,617 --> 00:12:52,710 - Here we witness the... - Not Mom. 222 00:12:53,089 --> 00:12:56,349 Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie Harper. 223 00:12:56,519 --> 00:12:59,398 What? I see. 224 00:12:59,573 --> 00:13:01,405 Okay, then. Thanks for letting me know. 225 00:13:02,334 --> 00:13:04,666 - Who was that? - St. John's Hospital. 226 00:13:04,844 --> 00:13:08,769 Our mother checked in this evening with chest pains and breathing difficulties. 227 00:13:08,943 --> 00:13:11,406 - Oh, my God. - Ever wonder who was the first guy... 228 00:13:11,578 --> 00:13:14,041 ...to put pineapple on pizza? 229 00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:18,219 I bet he was gay. 230 00:13:19,777 --> 00:13:22,026 - Charlie... - No straight guy is gonna say: 231 00:13:22,204 --> 00:13:25,130 "You know what this pizza could use? A pineapple ring." 232 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,435 God bless him. It's good. 233 00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:31,106 Charlie, is Mom okay? 234 00:13:31,281 --> 00:13:33,196 Of course she's okay. She's faking. 235 00:13:33,373 --> 00:13:36,466 - How can you be so sure? - It really doesn't make any difference. 236 00:13:37,765 --> 00:13:40,894 If she is faking and we rush to see her, she wins. 237 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,984 If she's not faking, and we ignore her... 238 00:13:43,161 --> 00:13:45,576 ...she complains about what horrible sons we are... 239 00:13:45,755 --> 00:13:47,170 ...and she still wins. 240 00:13:47,344 --> 00:13:50,022 What if she's not faking and she dies? 241 00:13:50,942 --> 00:13:53,655 Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full. 242 00:13:56,213 --> 00:13:58,295 I can't help thinking this is all my fault. 243 00:13:58,472 --> 00:14:01,815 I told Mom she couldn't see her grandson and she had a heart attack. 244 00:14:01,985 --> 00:14:04,150 Alan, you forget who you're dealing with. 245 00:14:04,328 --> 00:14:06,957 This woman buried two husbands and divorced two others. 246 00:14:07,131 --> 00:14:09,260 She's lived through wars, riots, earthquakes. 247 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:13,607 Only way you're gonna bring her down is with a stake dipped in holy water. 248 00:14:15,162 --> 00:14:16,827 Here we are. 249 00:14:20,015 --> 00:14:23,310 Oh, my God. Mommy? 250 00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:24,819 Excuse me? 251 00:14:24,993 --> 00:14:27,038 - Are you family? - Yeah, we're her sons. 252 00:14:27,210 --> 00:14:29,708 Is she gonna be okay? Tell me she's gonna be okay. 253 00:14:29,887 --> 00:14:33,100 Your mother's gonna be fine. I can't find a thing wrong with her. 254 00:14:33,275 --> 00:14:35,072 - Are you sure? - As sure as I can be. 255 00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:36,906 Her heart's fine. Lungs are fine. 256 00:14:37,082 --> 00:14:39,045 Blood chemistry's good. EEG's normal. 257 00:14:39,215 --> 00:14:42,344 - Oh, thank God. - That bitch. 258 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:44,904 Yeah, tell me about it. 259 00:14:46,118 --> 00:14:48,413 Excuse me. I'm gonna tell her she can go home. 260 00:14:48,586 --> 00:14:51,798 - Oh, no, please, let us. - Yeah, we owe her that. 261 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,651 Suit yourself. Oh, better hurry, though. 262 00:14:54,819 --> 00:14:57,364 The nurses are circulating a"do not revive" petition. 263 00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:02,296 - You said there was nothing wrong. - It's a big hospital. 264 00:15:02,474 --> 00:15:04,222 Things happen. 265 00:15:06,992 --> 00:15:08,371 What do we do now? 266 00:15:08,539 --> 00:15:11,668 Don't worry. I got a plan. 267 00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,557 Oh, great, he has a plan. 268 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:18,949 Mom? 269 00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:22,546 Charlie? Is that you? 270 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,433 Alan's here too, Mom. 271 00:15:24,603 --> 00:15:28,659 - Hi, Mom. - Boys, you didn't have to come. 272 00:15:29,539 --> 00:15:31,335 Are you kidding? Of course we did. 273 00:15:31,505 --> 00:15:34,003 - Right, Alan? - Of course. 274 00:15:34,182 --> 00:15:35,300 Tell us what happened. 275 00:15:36,525 --> 00:15:40,534 I came home this afternoon, alone. 276 00:15:41,461 --> 00:15:44,756 I was walking up the stairs... 277 00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:46,980 ...alone. 278 00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:52,036 And I had trouble breathing... 279 00:15:52,839 --> 00:15:56,301 ...so I drove myself to the hospital... 280 00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,522 ...alone. 281 00:16:01,916 --> 00:16:04,962 - Well, why did you drive yourself? - Oh, I didn't wanna bother... 282 00:16:05,137 --> 00:16:07,386 ...the ambulance people. 283 00:16:08,944 --> 00:16:10,027 Why didn't you call us? 284 00:16:11,747 --> 00:16:17,637 Oh, you both made it very clear how you feel about me. 285 00:16:17,812 --> 00:16:19,311 Now, that's not fair. 286 00:16:19,486 --> 00:16:22,198 Just tell Jake... 287 00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:25,632 ...his Grandmommy loves him very much. 288 00:16:25,802 --> 00:16:27,217 Don't talk like that. 289 00:16:27,392 --> 00:16:30,021 You can tell him yourself, after the operation. 290 00:16:30,195 --> 00:16:31,610 What operation? 291 00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:39,311 Relax. Relax. Quadruple bypasses are routine these days. 292 00:16:39,481 --> 00:16:41,110 - Quadruple? - Yeah, yeah. 293 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,206 You got four clogged arteries. Right, Alan? 294 00:16:44,375 --> 00:16:47,719 Right, the doctor said it's lucky you came when you did. 295 00:16:47,889 --> 00:16:51,684 Another few days and you'd have been flopping around on the floor like a carp. 296 00:16:52,574 --> 00:16:54,954 It's no big deal, Mom. They crack open you open... 297 00:16:55,126 --> 00:16:58,255 ...flush out the pipes, sew you back up and you're good as new. 298 00:16:58,431 --> 00:17:01,524 Except, you know, for the big, gnarly scar on your chest. 299 00:17:01,694 --> 00:17:03,323 They're prepping the OR. 300 00:17:03,492 --> 00:17:05,538 We got the best surgeon available. 301 00:17:05,710 --> 00:17:07,042 He's young but really sharp. 302 00:17:07,215 --> 00:17:09,048 And well-respected in his own country. 303 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,797 Well, all right. 304 00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:21,845 If it has to be done, it has to be done. 305 00:17:29,930 --> 00:17:31,845 I love you, boys. 306 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,624 If the worst should happen... 307 00:17:38,464 --> 00:17:40,427 ...please remember that. 308 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:44,439 - Yeah. Sure. - Of course. 309 00:17:44,989 --> 00:17:46,904 Oh, my God, Evelyn Are you all right? 310 00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:50,792 Oh, Judith, is that you? 311 00:17:51,348 --> 00:17:53,311 Yes, I'm right here. Jake's here too. 312 00:17:53,481 --> 00:17:56,277 Oh, Jake. Come to Grandmommy, darling. 313 00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,081 I'm sorry you feel bad, Grandma. 314 00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:02,556 Oh, Grandmommy's feeling much better now that her little man is here. 315 00:18:03,270 --> 00:18:08,029 - I made you a get-well card. - Oh, isn't that nice. 316 00:18:08,206 --> 00:18:09,704 Gift shop wasn't open? 317 00:18:12,975 --> 00:18:16,436 You said you had a plan. Well, guess what? It was a bad plan. 318 00:18:16,614 --> 00:18:18,779 - Alan, calm down. - The plan sucked. 319 00:18:19,668 --> 00:18:21,000 - Don't worry. - Don't worry? 320 00:18:21,174 --> 00:18:24,303 She's expecting a quadruple bypass. What are we gonna do? 321 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,227 We're gonna get her one. 322 00:18:26,403 --> 00:18:29,162 Must be someone around here who can handle a rib spreader. 323 00:18:29,331 --> 00:18:31,163 - Charlie, that's insane. - You're right. 324 00:18:31,339 --> 00:18:33,718 There's no time. Better scrub up. 325 00:18:34,434 --> 00:18:37,778 She had to drive herself to the hospital? What is wrong with you two? 326 00:18:37,948 --> 00:18:40,625 - Relax, Judith. She's not sick. - What? 327 00:18:40,793 --> 00:18:43,969 She's faking and we called her bluff, and then she called ours. 328 00:18:44,139 --> 00:18:46,602 So now, we're gonna have to cut her open. 329 00:18:47,109 --> 00:18:48,739 You want in? 330 00:18:49,494 --> 00:18:51,623 Hey, guess what? After Grandma's operation... 331 00:18:51,794 --> 00:18:54,126 ...she's gonna take me to Magic Mountain, okay? 332 00:18:54,304 --> 00:18:57,230 Yeah, yeah, that's okay. We're gonna have to tell her. 333 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,315 You sure? We don't need to do the bypass. 334 00:18:59,491 --> 00:19:01,406 All we do is put her out, slice her open. 335 00:19:01,583 --> 00:19:04,712 - The scar will sell it. - The truth, Charlie. 336 00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:09,689 Doesn't have to be a big scar. 337 00:19:09,866 --> 00:19:12,578 Okay, doctor, let's schedule this as quickly as possible. 338 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,381 Oh, great. I'll be here. 339 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,434 Hello, boys. 340 00:19:18,274 --> 00:19:21,367 - What are you doing? - Lf I'm going to have to have surgery... 341 00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:22,951 ...I want my own doctor. 342 00:19:23,126 --> 00:19:25,541 Mom, you don't really need a surgeon. 343 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,218 Oh, but I do. 344 00:19:28,397 --> 00:19:31,192 Your quadruple bypass story makes the perfect cover... 345 00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,164 ...for a little nip tuck. 346 00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:35,712 No turkey neck for Grandmommy, right? 347 00:19:37,223 --> 00:19:39,901 About Jake. I told him I'd take him to Magic Mountain... 348 00:19:40,068 --> 00:19:42,566 ...but you know how I feel about direct sunlight. 349 00:19:43,624 --> 00:19:45,836 Yeah, and wolfbane. 350 00:19:46,635 --> 00:19:48,968 You'll take him for me, won't you, Charlie? 351 00:19:49,145 --> 00:19:50,942 - Sure, Mom. - I'll make it up to him... 352 00:19:51,111 --> 00:19:54,657 ...by taking him out for a haircut and some decent clothes. 353 00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:57,678 - He'll like that. - Sure, Mom. 354 00:19:57,846 --> 00:20:00,345 Maybe when his mother sees how nice he could look... 355 00:20:00,524 --> 00:20:03,985 ...she'll take the hint and stop dressing him like a tackling dummy. 356 00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,915 Oh, the food here is just dreadful. 357 00:20:08,095 --> 00:20:10,260 So why don't you boys run across the street... 358 00:20:10,438 --> 00:20:11,984 ...and get me a nice ahi tuna... 359 00:20:12,153 --> 00:20:14,198 Charlie, what in God's name are you doing? 360 00:20:16,461 --> 00:20:18,376 Just practicing. 361 00:20:22,903 --> 00:20:24,949 The worker bees, or drones... 362 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:28,582 ... live a life of utter devotion to their queen. 363 00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:31,385 You had a plan. 364 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:35,115 From birth, these industrious yet mindless creatures... 365 00:20:35,286 --> 00:20:37,867 ... slave away to fulfill the queen 's every need. 366 00:20:38,088 --> 00:20:41,598 "Don't worry, Alan. I have a plan." 367 00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:47,784 Until finally they reach the end of their brief lifespan and die... 368 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,089 ... becoming food and building materials for the rest of the hive. 369 00:20:51,265 --> 00:20:55,357 Alan, where's my sandwich? 370 00:20:56,159 --> 00:20:58,205 Coming, Mom. 371 00:20:59,255 --> 00:21:04,858 A cruel existence? Perhaps. But that's life on the Animal Planet.