1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,040
We bring the cows in... You're
listening to This Morning's Farmer.

2
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:14,280
Go on. You were talking
about cow bringing-in.

3
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:17,280
We bring them in for milking...

4
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,120
Pop the straitjackets on them(?)
What?

5
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:26,800
Thanks to Robert Moon. Did you
have your breakfast this morning?

6
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:32,640
Well, I... Can you just answer yes
for the purposes of a joke? ..Yes.

7
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,400
Then you must be a full Moon.

8
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,800
Hello? I'm still 'ere.

9
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:45,240
Yeah, I was making a pun
on your name. Oh, right.

10
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,760
Thanks for being
This Morning's Farmer!

11
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:52,000
MUSIC: Old MacDonald Had A Farm.

12
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,040
Moo!

13
00:00:54,040 --> 00:01:01,120
Don't know what Robert had
for breakfast. Presumably
an infected spinal column in a bap.

14
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:08,160
Just a quick joke there about
how infected cattle feed can attack
the central nervous system.

15
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:12,120
It's just come up to 5.35am.

16
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:16,320
Kommen Sie, bitte,
und listen to Kraftwerk.

17
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,160
Put that in the bin.

18
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:30,680
Time for Cock-a-doodle Who.
'Cock-a-doodle...! Who?!'

19
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:34,120
I asked, "WHO invented the skip?"

20
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,960
Jack on line two.
Morning, Alan. Morning.

21
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:42,360
Your comment about farmers
was ignorant and offensive.

22
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,240
Who invented the skip? I don't care.

23
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:52,080
TALKS OVER CALLER:
Who invented the skip?
Who invented the skip?

24
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:56,360
I don't bloody know! Bobby Moore(!)
(Wrong.)

25
00:01:56,360 --> 00:02:00,240
Are you going to apologise
to farmers, are you?

26
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:08,760
You must know some of the rubbish
you make. I mean, tongue. Imagine
a tongue in a sesame seed cob(!)

27
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:14,280
You made these comments without any
knowledge of the pressures we face.

28
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:19,960
I wouldn't eat one of your tomatoes
if it came up and said, "Eat me."

29
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,720
You ignorant shit!
COCK CROW

30
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:28,240
Caroline? Hello, Alan. Hello.
Is your head full of shit?

31
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,720
MOO!

32
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,320
Mike, are you there, sir?

33
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,480
You ignorant with...!
FANFARE

34
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,240


35
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:46,000

What's the next bit?

36
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:51,240
GEORDIE:
Add a dash of blue blood and
a little bitty bit Red Indian boy.

37
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,440


38
00:02:54,440 --> 00:03:00,160
This hasn't been cleaned for years.
There's a Jap still fighting in
here.

39
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,240
You daft racist.

40
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,360


41
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:12,120

Can you still say that?

42
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:16,120
Yeah, cos it's a race of people
AND a food.

43
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:20,120
Chinese. You're right.
PHONE RINGS

44
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,600
Partridge. ..Yes, I'll hold.

45
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:30,760
I'm up for a Hamilton's Water Break
video. Ooh. On the Norfolk Broads.

46
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:34,520
Heard about it from Bill Oddie...
..Hello?

47
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:42,440
Yes. ..No, the last corporate job
I did was for a company
that makes toner for photocopiers.

48
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,960
No, I was dressed
as an exclamation mark.

49
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:53,200
..I walked out. It was demeaning.
Had to flag a cab dressed up,

50
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,640
which helped, actually.

51
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,320
I'd be delighted to do the job.

52
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:03,960
You can't book me and ask me to
pull out if Cliff Thorburn turns up.

53
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:08,000
You can book me now
or wait for Cliff Thorburn,

54
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:13,000
but if he goes AWOL, you're up
Slack Alley. Who's it to be?

55
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,040
Thank you very much.

56
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,320
Kiss my face!

57
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:22,840
I am going to present a video for
Hamilton's Water Breaks. Champion.

58
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:27,200
Why-aye.
That sounds Geordie, doesn't it?

59
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:33,040
Ever been to the Far East, Michael?
Only Manila, Hong Kong and Bangkok.

60
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:37,560
Bangkok? Aye.
Erm, what did you see in Bangkok?

61
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:41,640
The Golden Temple. Beautiful.
Yeah. What else?

62
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:46,880
Er, the river market. All the little
boats come... Michael, Michael...

63
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,480
Come on.
Tell me about the lady-boys.

64
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:56,920
You mean transsexuals?
They're disgusting. I kept away
from them. Oh, God, yeah.

65
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:03,760
Fascinating creatures, though.
Looks like a lady,
but really it's a man.

66
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,440
I don't find them attractive,
just confusing.

67
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:12,000
I don't suppose you've got
any army stories about them?

68
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,520
Ah, I did hear about this corporal
in the Third Battalion.

69
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:22,040
He gangs oot in Bangkok and all the
prostitutes are saying, "How much?"

70
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:28,840
Then this beautiful lass comes up,
she's gorgeous, and she's
half the price of the others.

71
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:35,440
He gets hold of the old
meat and two veg and thinks,
"I've gotta have summat,"

72
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:39,120
so he flips him over and he fu...

73
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:47,480
And fu...funnily enough, it starts
first time and they just drive away.

74
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,840
Strangest story I've ever heard.

75
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,880
Oh, hello, Lynn.

76
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,400
..Oh, I see! Right, yes.

77
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:07,640
Michael was telling me
about a friend of his
who slept with...a Landrover.

78
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:15,120
Lonely nights in the desert.
That's all fixed now. Right, OK.

79
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:20,320
That wasn't the real ending,
was it? No. Just cos Lynn's here.

80
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:27,360
Just a few things, Alan.
Norwich Radio called. There's been
more complaints from farmers.

81
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,800
How many? 50.

82
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,800
Oh, your age.
Well, Hamilton's have...

83
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,640
Alan, you've come free at the side.

84
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,160
Oh, sorry!

85
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,160
That was a genuine mistake.

86
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:50,680
Anyway, I got the Hamilton's job.
Yes, they're coming over
this afternoon. Great.

87
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,600
You have to have your wife with you.

88
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:58,920
Did you tell them she's living
with a narcissistic sports-pimp?

89
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,720
You've...you've popped out again.
Oh, God!

90
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:07,560
That wasn't deliberate.
It's not a cry for help.

91
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:12,080
It's just that I've had
these shorts since 1982.

92
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:17,120
They did have an underpant lining,
but, er, it's perished.

93
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:21,960
Yeah, they've taken a bit
of a pounding over the years.

94
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,000
Can you get me some new ones? Right.

95
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:29,400
I'll have to ask Carol
if she'll do the video.

96
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,240
Lynn, you speak to her, please.

97
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,560
Hello. ..Erm...

98
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:41,560
Yes, he is. ..It's a man.
That's her boyfriend. ..Hello?

99
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,480
It's Alan, your lover's husband.

100
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,760
Yeah. ..The immersion heater?!

101
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:54,520
It's under the stairs.
You only need to press that
if you're having a deep bath.

102
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:59,560
Put it on an hour before, Bob's
your uncle, you've got a deep bath.

103
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,080
If you would, please.

104
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,120
He's getting Carol. Speak to her.

105
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,200
..Hello, Carol. How are you?

106
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:12,240
Would you like to be
in Alan's corporate video?

107
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:18,040
Right. ..She says no and wants to
speak to you. Tell her I'm not here.

108
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,080
He's not here. ..She can hear you.

109
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,960
Call her a fat cow then hang up.
Fat cow!

110
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,840
Well done, Lynn.

111
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,600
Now, I'm going to warn you,

112
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,240
I have popped out again.

113
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:41,120
But, erm, it's...it's in no way
connected with our proximity.

114
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,640
Just don't turn round.

115
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,920
The boys are back in the barracks!

116
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,640


117
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:04,760

is a great big melting pot

118
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:09,400

and all it's got

119
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:14,040

I could pretend to be your wife.

120
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,360
LIFT CHIMES

121
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,560
Morning. Hello, Alan.

122
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,880
Lynn's a good worker,
but she's a bit like Burt Reynolds.

123
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,320
Very reliable,
but she's got a moustache.

124
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:51,040
A bit like lady-boys. Look like
women, but really it's a man.

125
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:55,120
I don't find them attractive,
it's just confusing.

126
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,960
Sophie, you're not a man, are you?

127
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,480
No. Would you settle
this month's bill?

128
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:09,040
"£8 - miscellaneous services."
That sounds disconcertingly vague.
You used THIS pay channel.

129
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:15,200
Ah, right. It's, er, very confusing.

130
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:19,040
Sophie, I find the pay channels
very confusing.

131
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:24,480
Can I explain? I was trying to
access Driving Miss Daisy. Right.

132
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:30,000
That's why you only watched 15
minutes. Yes, it was the wrong film.

133
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,440
Have you seen it?

134
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:40,840
Driving Miss Daisy
or Bangkok Chick Boys? Driving
Miss Daisy! Is it a good film?

135
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:47,120
I don't know. Was Bangkok Chick Boys
good? I don't know. I didn't see it.

136
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:53,920
I couldn't see it
because I was in the bathroom.

137
00:10:53,920 --> 00:11:00,960
Ben, Mr Partridge was just saying
that he couldn't see Bangkok
Chick Boys from his bathroom.

138
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:06,960
You can if you angle the mirror by
the door. I only saw five minutes!

139
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,800
The remote control's confusing.

140
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:14,840
Oh, when it said, "Do you want
to watch Bangkok Chick Boys?"

141
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:19,040
you must have pressed
the button that says yes.

142
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,640
As I say, it's very confusing.

143
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:28,880
Do you want me to show you
how to press the no button? Yes.
Show me the button that says no.

144
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,720
I'll show you that mirror thing. No!

145
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,640
Do you want me to pay this bill?

146
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:41,160
No. I mean, yes. You're right.
It is confusing, isn't it(?) Yes.

147
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,200
Hello, Mr Partridge. Drink?

148
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,880
No. Have you got any tonic?

149
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,800
Aye. With, er, with some ice

150
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:55,200
and, er, a segment of lemon.

151
00:11:55,200 --> 00:12:00,440
Yeah. And could you top it up
with some Gordon's gin.

152
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:04,560
Gin and tonic?
Yeah, that's right. Fine.

153
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:09,000
Oh, hello. The video gentlemen
are on their way.

154
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:15,200
I've done my homework. Would you
like a drink? Oh, thanks. A Baileys.

155
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,640
One small Baileys, please.

156
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,480
I thought about a substitute wife

157
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:27,280
and I'd love you
to go to the casting agency
and get me a 40-year-old scorcher.

158
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,800
And do use that word.

159
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:36,440
Alan Partridge?
Yes. I'm Steve Bennett, director of
the video. We spoke on the phone.

160
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:41,480
This is Hugh Morris, marketing
director. He'll keep an eye on us.

161
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:45,160
Make sure I don't sink the boat
like a twit.

162
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:50,760
MACHINE VOICE:
No, I'll be down the pub! What?!

163
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,960
I'll be getting the beers in!

164
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:58,040
Why are you speaking like that?
It's a voice box.

165
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:02,960
Great fun. From a toy shop?
I haven't got any vocal cords.

166
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,600
You sound like the girl
in The Exorcist.

167
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,640
I LOVE the script. It's superb.

168
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:15,160
"Boating appeals to both
friends and family alike."

169
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:22,200
Lovely phrase. Very moving.
Alan, it's a boat video. We're not
making a James Bond movie here.

170
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:28,240
You sound like a baddie in
a Bond film. Dr No...Vocal Cords!

171
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:37,320
No, Alan, we want to keep it simple
and that's why we hired you.

172
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:44,520
You're a local. That means
good communication with tradesmen,
landlords, farmers... Hmm.

173
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:48,560
At the end of the day...
we'll be getting pissed!

174
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,360
Sounds good! ..Pop that in the bin.

175
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:56,240
Some notes I made last night
for a laugh.

176
00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:02,400
I was drunk. I woke up this morning
asleep on the sink just like this.

177
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:08,360
Got up, walked downstairs, had
breakfast, didn't wash my hands,

178
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,920
cos I'm a bloody bloke.

179
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:16,200
There's the bar.
Choose your weapons. What?

180
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:22,000
I offered you a drink. Now you're
talking my language. I hope not.

181
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,720
Pint of lager. Pint of lager.
Three lagers.

182
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,320
A lager AND these two drinks?!

183
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,960
Y-Yes. These are...they're chasers.
I never had one of those. God.

184
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:38,000
Never had a lager,
G andamp; T and Baileys chaser?

185
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:43,440
No. You big girl's bras!
Has that got a name, that drink?

186
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,600
Yeah, they're called, er, lady-boys.

187
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:52,440
Cos G andamp; T and Baileys are ladies'
drinks, lager's a boy's drink.

188
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,000
That's why I said that.

189
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,960
Yeah. Cheers.

190
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:11,160
STRAINED VOICE:
Oh, lady-boys! You want one?

191
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:16,960
Yeah. Yeah! Three, no, four
lady-boys. Four lady-boys. Rightio.

192
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,600
How much is that?
Er, that'll be £33.

193
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:27,360
Here's to a good corporate video
and lots of being men.

194
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,600
MACHINE BUZZES

195
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,720
Alan. I'm confused!

196
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:44,240
What time is it? Six o'clock.
How long have we been drinking?

197
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:48,600
Three-quarters of an hour.
I think I'll, erm,

198
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,200
go to my room and lean on the sink.

199
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,920
I'll have a little bit of sick.

200
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,760
Mr Partridge, that's the kitchens!

201
00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:02,800
I'm gonna...cook all the food.
STEVE: This is a hotel!

202
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,840
Three star!

203
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,880
Hello, Carol? ..It's Alan.

204
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,920
How are you?

205
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,040
Me? I'm having a fantastic time.

206
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:26,240
Yeah. I'm having the best time
since...sliced bread.

207
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,800
How's Mr Planet Of The Apes Man?

208
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:37,000
Is he still driving
that Renault Megane?

209
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:44,760
Yeah. Can I just read you something
from Top Gear Magazine?
I've got it here.

210
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:48,680
"With a mere 90 brake horsepower
available,

211
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:52,720
"progress is too leisurely
to be called fast.

212
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:57,920
"On a motorway, in fifth gear,
the slow pace really becomes a pain.

213
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,440
"Uphill runs
are power-sappingly mundane,

214
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:06,640
"while overtaking coaches
can be a long, drawn-out affair."

215
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:10,880
Not my words.
The words of Top Gear Magazine.

216
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:16,200
Hello?
KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in.

217
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:24,360
I've come to show you how to use
your telly. Oh, yes. Very confusing.

218
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:27,400
Yeah(!) So that's Sky Movies,

219
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,440
Sports, CNN, Adult Channel...

220
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:34,760
That's your dirty movies.
Not really my cup of tea.

221
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,720
I can disconnect it, scramble it.

222
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,760
Erm...

223
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,800
Probably a lot of trouble.

224
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,920
Not really. It's just a switch.

225
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,960
Erm...

226
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:54,280
What you get up to in here is your
business. I don't get up to
anything.

227
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,440
Shall I disconnect it? Yes. OK.

228
00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,440
There. That's disconnected.

229
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,400
Good.

230
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,560
All right, lads?

231
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,080
All right, Alan?

232
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:14,480
I got really drunk last night.
I was sick everywhere.

233
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:20,480
Were you sick?
Not really, no.
No.

234
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:25,960
Look at the legs on that.
Hello.

235
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,520
All right?

236
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:35,120
She was certainly
first in the queue
when God was handing out...chests,

237
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,680
or mammary glands.

238
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,960
I'd love to have it off with her!

239
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,880
Urrrr! Sex!

240
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,880
For a British holiday
with a difference on a boat,

241
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,960
always choose
Hamilton's Water Breaks.

242
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:03,080
As the ice caps melt, East Anglia
will be under water in 30 years.

243
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:06,120
Make the most of her stunning Fens

244
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:11,800
before the floods come, causing
some concern to these farmers I met.

245
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:16,200
This is my wife and I going off
to the local marketplace

246
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:21,240
where we can buy anything from
plimsolls to posters of the famous.

247
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:25,400
This chemical toilet
is a Saniflow 33.

248
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:30,440
Now, this little babe can cope
with anything, and I mean ANYTHING.

249
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:35,480
Earlier, I put in a pound of mashed
up Dundee cake. Let's take a look.

250
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,040
Not a trace.

251
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:44,240
Peace of mind, I'm sure,
especially if you have
elderly relatives on board.

252
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,800
Ohh! Try pedestrianising this.

253
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,800
Can you hold that pose now, Alan?

254
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,320
Partridge, you wanker!

255
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,800
Ahhh!

256
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,520
ABUSE CONTINUES

257
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,840
We'll dub that out,
play some music over it.

258
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,400
How are your friends?

259
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,440
Fine.

260
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:14,400
'It may look poky, but a Hamilton's
boat is deceptively large.

261
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:21,760
'We found it offers the luxury
and comfort you'd associate with
a good-quality, static caravan.'

262
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:25,800
You not having any bacon?
No, I'm vegetarian.

263
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,520
Yes, I know. Just a joke.

264
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:37,360
This is Alice who won't shrink me
into a little bottle, she'll tell
me about Hamilton's holiday breaks.

265
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:42,400
You regularly book, don't you? Yep.
With your boyfriend? No, alone.

266
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,960
What, you book alone? Yep.

267
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,480
How old are you? 25.

268
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,040
What do you do on a boat alone?

269
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:54,040
Read a book, relax,
look at the scenery.

270
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:58,080
No, she sounds weird.
I don't think it's right.

271
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:02,400
I'm sorry. Thank you, love.
..That was a bit odd.

272
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,560
Up with the Partridge.

273
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:13,600
You're joining me, Alan Partridge,
and Peter Baxendale-Thomas
of the Norfolk Farmers Union.

274
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:18,760
Now, yesterday, I sort of trod
in a rather large farmer's pat

275
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:24,360
when I commented on intensive
farming. ..Where did I go wrong?

276
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:27,880
Your comments were
ill-founded and ignorant.

277
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:32,280
They showed no understanding
of modern farming methods

278
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:37,320
and simply highlighted the stupidity
of armchair pundits who don't think,

279
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:42,680
but with a full apology, you can dig
yourself out of a rather ugly hole.

280
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,000
Yeah.

281
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,120
Erm...sorry.

282
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:54,000
Any requests?
Anyone you want to say hello to?

283
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:59,040
Your ignorant comments simply alarm
the public and inflame the farmers.

284
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,400
Why don't you apologise...? MOO!

285
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,400
Thought that would fool you.

286
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:10,040
You could talk the hind legs
off a donkey.

287
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:15,760
Yours probably have no hind legs
because of the chemicals in their...

288
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,080
chips. Alan, I don't have donkeys,

289
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:25,520
and I wouldn't feed them chips.
This is the same rubbish
as that "spine in the bap".

290
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:30,160
That was a mistake. I shouldn't
have said bap. That's a start.

291
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:36,520
I should have said baguette,
because a spinal column
would fit in a baguette.

292
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:40,080
You alienate everybody
you come across,

293
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:45,120
including your wife, which is why
you live like a tramp in a lay-by.

294
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:50,080
It's a travel tavern. I don't care
what you call your sordid grief hole

295
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:54,120
A lot of my colleagues...
Yeah, farmyard animals.

296
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:59,280
These are my friends... I've got
more friends than you've got cows.

297
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:03,720
This is ridiculous.
How many have you got? 100.

298
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,520
I've got 104 friends.

299
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:11,560
Why don't you just issue a frank and
full retraction of what you said?

300
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,320
You'd get out of a lot of bother.

301
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:19,440
Posh sod with plums in your mouth!
It has nothing to do with class.

302
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:26,680
They've mutated and got beaks!
Beaks? Have you any more, or do you
want to stop at quacking plums?

303
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:33,120
You make pigs smoke.
Where do you get the right
to go swanning off...?

304
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:37,200
Swans!
You feed beefburgers to swans.

305
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:42,240
Do I? Yes. Tell me what's wrong
with feeding beefburgers to swans.

306
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:47,760
What? If you fill a swan's stomach
full of beef fat, it'll float better

307
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:52,200
That's why we do it. Really?
No, you complete cretin!

308
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:56,080
What else are you gonna
accuse me of?

309
00:23:56,080 --> 00:24:01,120
I'll tell you what. You farmers,
you don't like outsiders, do you?

310
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:05,520
Like to stick to your own.
What do you mean by that?

311
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:09,560
I've seen the big-eared boys
on farms.

312
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:14,640
Goodness sake! If you see a field
with a pond and a family picnicking

313
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:19,680
you fill in the pond with concrete,
plough the family into the field,

314
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:26,640
blow up the tree and use the leaves
to make a dress for your wife
who's also your brother.

315
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,920
APPLAUSE

316
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:33,720
Anything else I can say?
I'll tell you what the point is.

317
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:38,760
You have big sheds that nobody's
allowed in, and inside these sheds

318
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:43,200
are 20-foot-high chickens
because of all the chemicals.

319
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,400
They don't know why they're so big.

320
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,400
They go, "Oh, why am I so massive?"

321
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:54,640
They look down on the others and
they think they're in an aeroplane

322
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,200
because the others are so small.

323
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,560
Do you deny that?

324
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:04,480
No. His silence, I think,
speaks volumes.

325
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:13,280
And, basically, do you agree
that everything I've said,
thus far, is completely correct?

326
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:14,200
Yes.

327
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,160
DEEP VOICE:
Yes.

328
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,400
Do you run over badgers for fun?

329
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,480
Yes.

330
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,440
Thank you, Peter Baxendale-Thomas.

331
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,000
This is T'Pau.

332
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,080
How did it go? Oh, up and down.

333
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,680
More bad news, I'm afraid.

334
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:40,360
The actress playing your wife
can't film today. Oh, why not?

335
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:43,040
She's in The Bill as a shoplifter.

336
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,840
Well, that's good.
Have to think of something.

337
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,400
Scene 13, take 2.

338
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:54,440
One of the benefits of global
warming and international terrorism

339
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:59,480
is that more people are holidaying
in England. I'll drink to that.

340
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:03,520
How was that?
It's not working. You can tell.

341
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,320
Scene 13, take 3.

342
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:14,360
One of the benefits of global
warming and international terrorism

343
00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:18,400
is...
Are you all right there, love?

344
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:22,160
is that...
No, no, no. Cut it.

345
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,720
Action! Absolutely.

346
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:29,760
The Norfolk Broads offers the true
peace of the English countryside -

347
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:34,800
a million miles away from the urban
decay of the Manchester Ship Canal

348
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:39,360
and the pot-smoking, whore-ridden
waterways of Amsterdam.

349
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:46,720
Disused cotton mills and hardcore
pornography are a million miles
from your thoughts on the Broads.

350
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:51,320
The fact that hardcore pornography
is not on the agenda...

351
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:55,760
What's going on? It's a cow.
Oh, it's a dead cow.

352
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,240
Where did it come from?

353
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:03,000
Farmers! It's not funny.
I know it's not funny.

354
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:08,320
I'm trapped under a cow. He's OK.
Get the cow off the boat, please.

355
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:13,200
I'm not OK. Get the cow
off the boat. I'm not OK.

356
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:17,440
Oh, it smells.
I can feel an udder on my leg.

357
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,160
Can you call Cliff Thorburn now,
please?

358
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:28,200
Cliff Thorburn is not primarily
a presenter, he's an ex-snooker
player and is an unknown quantity.

359
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,720
But he's not under a cow.

360
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:35,760
So book a holiday with Hamilton's.
WATER way to have a good time!

361
00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,800
Cheers!

362
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,840
Cut!

363
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,400
OK, stick him in the ambulance.

364
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:46,000
Lovely. Great. Well done.
Cheers, Alan.

365
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,560
Good luck with the edits.

366
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:21,080
'Hello and welcome to
The Learning Zone. Thursday night
into Friday morning on BBC2.

367
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,880
Hello, is that Reception?

368
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:40,840
Susan? Can you make pornography
come on my telly, please?

369
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:46,240
Oh, that's very nice of you.
Ta. Thank you.

370
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,800
Oh!