1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:03,481
[MUNCHING]
2
00:00:04,023 --> 00:00:06,400
Hey, Gina.
We got an anonymous gift basket.
3
00:00:06,526 --> 00:00:07,609
Yeah. Yeah, it's full of treats.
4
00:00:07,693 --> 00:00:10,195
It's got meats, cheeses,
candies, all the food groups.
5
00:00:10,279 --> 00:00:11,363
BOYLE: The cheese is amazing.
6
00:00:11,447 --> 00:00:13,658
It melts in my mouth, and in my hands.
7
00:00:14,492 --> 00:00:17,995
Hmm. French chocolates, French
cheeses, tiny French pickles.
8
00:00:18,246 --> 00:00:20,789
Did none of you detectives
think this might be a gift
9
00:00:20,873 --> 00:00:24,043
for Captain Holt from someone in France?
10
00:00:24,335 --> 00:00:26,337
Like his husband, par exemple?
11
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:29,091
What? [LAUGHS] No way.
12
00:00:29,216 --> 00:00:32,760
This is a nice present from an
unknown, appreciative citizen
13
00:00:32,844 --> 00:00:33,970
that wanted us to munch.
14
00:00:34,054 --> 00:00:35,973
Hmm. What's this, then?
15
00:00:36,098 --> 00:00:38,559
"Dear Captain Raymond
Holt, thinking of you.
16
00:00:38,684 --> 00:00:41,937
"Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, PhD."
17
00:00:42,229 --> 00:00:43,897
He even used their pet names.
18
00:00:44,439 --> 00:00:46,900
Oh, no, I ate the
chocolate-covered strawberry.
19
00:00:46,984 --> 00:00:48,651
That's the most intimate
snack of them all.
20
00:00:48,735 --> 00:00:50,320
Holt's gonna be back from
his meeting in 30 minutes.
21
00:00:50,404 --> 00:00:51,654
What do we do? Eat the note!
22
00:00:51,738 --> 00:00:53,282
No! No.
23
00:00:54,241 --> 00:00:56,451
It's okay. We can fix this.
24
00:00:58,328 --> 00:00:59,496
Check it out, sir.
25
00:00:59,663 --> 00:01:03,917
A lovely gift basket that Kevin
sent you all the way from Paris.
26
00:01:04,251 --> 00:01:05,419
Straight from Paris.
27
00:01:10,757 --> 00:01:13,427
HOLT: Stapler, scissors.
28
00:01:15,846 --> 00:01:17,681
Rubber bands.
29
00:01:20,809 --> 00:01:22,561
That man really knows me.
30
00:01:22,686 --> 00:01:23,980
[ALL LAUGH]
31
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:26,608
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
32
00:01:45,501 --> 00:01:47,545
Attention, squad. I just received a call.
33
00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:51,674
A very important, very high-profile
celebrity was robbed in our precinct.
34
00:01:51,758 --> 00:01:52,800
PERALTA: What celebrity, sir?
35
00:01:52,884 --> 00:01:57,054
Is it a Chris? Hemsworth? Evans?
Pratt? Pine? Brown? Kross?
36
00:01:57,138 --> 00:01:58,514
[GASPS] Is it a non-Chris?
37
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,433
This is a sensitive matter,
and I can only disclose details
38
00:02:01,517 --> 00:02:03,217
to the lead detective on the case.
39
00:02:03,353 --> 00:02:05,396
Sergeant, let me know
who's available, ASAP.
40
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:06,648
Yes, sir.
41
00:02:06,773 --> 00:02:07,940
PERALTA: Sarge, Sarge,
42
00:02:08,024 --> 00:02:10,693
Sarge.
You know that I'm your guy for this.
43
00:02:10,818 --> 00:02:12,768
You can't give a celebrity case to Amy.
44
00:02:12,862 --> 00:02:16,324
The last movie she saw was a
documentary about spelling bees.
45
00:02:16,532 --> 00:02:18,743
Wrong. It was about the font Helvetica,
46
00:02:18,868 --> 00:02:21,080
and it played like an action thriller.
47
00:02:21,205 --> 00:02:22,915
You already have a case, Peralta.
48
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,740
I assigned it to you this morning.
49
00:02:24,833 --> 00:02:26,960
That was just some kid
with a little bit of pot on him.
50
00:02:27,044 --> 00:02:29,337
Meanwhile, Chris Rock
is tied up in his basement
51
00:02:29,421 --> 00:02:31,631
calling out for my help, and
you're standing in my way.
52
00:02:31,715 --> 00:02:33,415
Just work the case I assigned you.
53
00:02:33,592 --> 00:02:35,594
Can't I just give my case
to Hitchcock and Scully?
54
00:02:35,678 --> 00:02:37,304
I mean, they clearly have
a ton of time on their hands.
55
00:02:37,388 --> 00:02:39,639
Hitchcock hasn't even
gotten out of his chair today.
56
00:02:39,723 --> 00:02:41,934
Hey, Jake, I can go
anywhere in this thing.
57
00:02:42,518 --> 00:02:44,937
But shouldn't.
58
00:02:45,229 --> 00:02:47,230
Hitchcock and Scully are house mouses.
59
00:02:47,314 --> 00:02:48,815
They do paperwork and they're good at it.
60
00:02:48,899 --> 00:02:50,400
They don't go out in the field.
61
00:02:50,484 --> 00:02:53,570
[SIGHS] Boyle, you
take the celebrity case.
62
00:02:54,571 --> 00:02:56,615
Me? Instead of Jake?
63
00:02:56,824 --> 00:02:58,492
Have you lost your damn mind?
64
00:02:58,617 --> 00:03:01,036
I am so sorry, Jake.
I don't know what's wrong with Terry.
65
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:03,163
Don't worry. I'm gonna work it with you.
66
00:03:03,372 --> 00:03:05,722
I'm giving my drug bust
to Hitchcock and Scully.
67
00:03:05,833 --> 00:03:08,543
It's time to get these
mice out of their hice.
68
00:03:08,627 --> 00:03:11,963
Argh. That was lame.
Life is meaningless. We're all gonna die.
69
00:03:12,047 --> 00:03:14,507
Mouses out of their houses.
Yes, I am the greatest.
70
00:03:14,591 --> 00:03:16,761
Every breath is a gift.
Sorry about the roller coaster.
71
00:03:16,845 --> 00:03:18,888
I'm just happy I'm tall enough to ride.
72
00:03:19,806 --> 00:03:22,308
Hey, Rosa. Saw you hadn't
signed up for the blood drive yet,
73
00:03:22,392 --> 00:03:23,851
so I brought you the sheet.
74
00:03:23,935 --> 00:03:27,564
Sorry, I can't. I'm…
"Under 17 years old."
75
00:03:27,897 --> 00:03:32,861
Wait, you didn't sign up last
year, either. Or the year before.
76
00:03:33,403 --> 00:03:34,612
Are you afraid of needles?
77
00:03:34,696 --> 00:03:37,448
I don't like being stabbed by
someone so they can steal my blood.
78
00:03:37,532 --> 00:03:38,991
I'm crazy. [GASPS]
79
00:03:39,075 --> 00:03:41,870
This is amazing, you're
scared of something I'm not.
80
00:03:41,995 --> 00:03:44,414
I'm tougher than you.
I'm tougher than Rosa.
81
00:03:44,622 --> 00:03:47,041
Uh… I take it back. I'm so sorry. Look,
82
00:03:47,459 --> 00:03:49,710
it's okay. We all have fears.
83
00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,504
I'm so claustrophobic, I can't even
84
00:03:51,588 --> 00:03:53,438
go into the downstairs supply closet.
85
00:03:53,757 --> 00:03:55,925
I hear they have some
hot new binder clips,
86
00:03:56,551 --> 00:03:57,593
but I'll never know.
87
00:03:57,677 --> 00:03:59,178
I'm scared of businessmen.
88
00:03:59,262 --> 00:04:02,431
A whole army of
gray-suited Brads and Chads
89
00:04:02,515 --> 00:04:07,228
trying to suck my soul and
redeem it for frequent-flyer miles.
90
00:04:07,729 --> 00:04:08,854
Great, so you guys get it.
91
00:04:08,938 --> 00:04:10,774
Conversation over. Bye. No, no, no.
92
00:04:10,899 --> 00:04:14,945
What if we each agree to
face one of our fears today,
93
00:04:15,112 --> 00:04:18,115
for ourselves and for all of womankind?
94
00:04:18,365 --> 00:04:20,075
Ugh. That sounds terrible.
95
00:04:20,159 --> 00:04:22,036
But I'm in.
96
00:04:22,953 --> 00:04:24,330
Fine, I'll do it, too.
97
00:04:24,455 --> 00:04:27,874
[SIGHS] Guys, come on.
I really think this'll be good for…
98
00:04:27,958 --> 00:04:30,795
Oh, wait. We're doing my thing? Okay.
99
00:04:32,296 --> 00:04:33,338
Thanks for taking us to lunch, Jake.
100
00:04:33,422 --> 00:04:35,072
Of course. Get whatever you want.
101
00:04:35,466 --> 00:04:37,300
Oh, man, I already ate.
102
00:04:37,384 --> 00:04:39,511
I guess I'll just have a
cheeseburger deluxe,
103
00:04:39,595 --> 00:04:41,680
couple of slices of pie,
maybe an egg cream.
104
00:04:41,764 --> 00:04:43,306
Okay. And a waffle.
105
00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:46,601
So, look. A big, important
drug case came across my desk,
106
00:04:46,685 --> 00:04:47,811
and I need your help.
107
00:04:47,895 --> 00:04:50,439
Only problem is, Sarge
doesn't think you can handle it.
108
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:52,524
He's right. No, he's not.
109
00:04:52,608 --> 00:04:55,277
Look, you're Hitchcock and Scully.
You guys are legends.
110
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:57,988
You single-handedly caught
the Prospect Park Flasher.
111
00:04:58,197 --> 00:04:59,906
Well, he was being chased by other cops,
112
00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:01,658
but he did slip on my spilled chili.
113
00:05:01,742 --> 00:05:04,369
And who bumped into
Scully, causing the spill? Me.
114
00:05:04,453 --> 00:05:07,414
Damn right, and who fell
asleep under their desks
115
00:05:07,498 --> 00:05:09,751
and caught the janitor stealing evidence?
We did.
116
00:05:09,835 --> 00:05:13,463
And who sued the department
and got triple-ply toilet paper
117
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,215
in every precinct? We did.
118
00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:17,467
Terry thinks you guys are too
old and too lazy to handle this,
119
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:18,801
but I know what you're really made of.
120
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:21,235
You're gonna take this
case and prove him wrong!
121
00:05:21,346 --> 00:05:22,722
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
122
00:05:23,598 --> 00:05:25,266
We're still gonna eat lunch, right?
123
00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:27,894
Obviously, a high-profile
celebrity case such as this one
124
00:05:27,978 --> 00:05:30,278
needs to be handled
with the utmost discretion.
125
00:05:31,022 --> 00:05:34,150
I promise I'll be professional,
even if it's Dianne Wiest.
126
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:37,779
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I'm gonna meet Dianne Wiest!
127
00:05:37,863 --> 00:05:39,322
She's so sexual.
128
00:05:39,614 --> 00:05:42,158
No, our victim
129
00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:45,829
is John William
130
00:05:47,706 --> 00:05:49,332
Weichselbraun.
131
00:05:50,876 --> 00:05:52,335
Remind me who that is again?
132
00:05:52,669 --> 00:05:54,880
You're kidding.
He's a world-renowned oboist.
133
00:05:55,130 --> 00:05:57,298
First chair with the New
York Symphony Orchestra.
134
00:05:57,382 --> 00:06:00,718
Kevin and I are huge fans
of Weichselbraun's work.
135
00:06:00,802 --> 00:06:03,806
We are what the Internet
sometimes refers to as
136
00:06:04,599 --> 00:06:06,058
Weichselbraun fans.
137
00:06:06,601 --> 00:06:07,643
Not Weichselbrauniacs?
138
00:06:07,727 --> 00:06:11,188
[CHUCKLING] No, but that is very good.
I'm gonna use that liberally.
139
00:06:11,522 --> 00:06:15,150
Anyway, Weichselbraun's $40,000
oboe was stolen from his apartment,
140
00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:16,861
and you need to find it.
141
00:06:17,069 --> 00:06:20,656
I'd work the case myself if it didn't
smack of preferential treatment.
142
00:06:21,073 --> 00:06:22,866
Don't worry, sir. I can handle this.
143
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,703
So, you do think it smacks
of preferential treatment?
144
00:06:26,162 --> 00:06:27,663
I don't know what you want me to say.
145
00:06:27,747 --> 00:06:30,447
Okay, you've convinced me.
I'll work the case with you.
146
00:06:32,209 --> 00:06:33,544
Great.
147
00:06:34,295 --> 00:06:35,922
I think you owe me an apology.
148
00:06:36,047 --> 00:06:38,340
I'll apologize to you in hell.
149
00:06:38,424 --> 00:06:39,842
I actually don't know what this is about.
150
00:06:39,926 --> 00:06:41,343
Sorry I took such a hard stance.
151
00:06:41,427 --> 00:06:44,555
Holt's "celebrity" was
just some lame oboist.
152
00:06:44,764 --> 00:06:48,476
Meanwhile, we just linked
your little dumb pot bust
153
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,561
to a major narcotics ring.
154
00:06:50,645 --> 00:06:54,815
This might be the biggest drug
case the Nine-Nine's had in years.
155
00:06:55,191 --> 00:06:56,317
Cool.
156
00:06:56,776 --> 00:06:57,818
Uh-oh.
157
00:06:58,778 --> 00:07:00,628
I know a real "cool" when I hear one.
158
00:07:00,948 --> 00:07:03,450
That wasn't a real "cool."
What did you do?
159
00:07:04,368 --> 00:07:07,204
Well…
160
00:07:07,788 --> 00:07:11,959
I may have given that very huge
drug case to Hitchcock and Scully.
161
00:07:12,376 --> 00:07:14,169
What? In my defense,
162
00:07:14,670 --> 00:07:17,172
I was pretty sure you
were never gonna find out.
163
00:07:19,466 --> 00:07:21,175
I don't know where
Hitchcock and Scully are.
164
00:07:21,259 --> 00:07:23,720
They're not answering their
phones, and they signed our dealer,
165
00:07:23,804 --> 00:07:26,473
the one link to our
drug ring, out of holding.
166
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,290
I swear, if they mess up
this case, Jake, it's on you.
167
00:07:29,643 --> 00:07:30,685
They're detectives.
168
00:07:30,769 --> 00:07:33,563
They've been on the force for 500 years.
They know what they're doing.
169
00:07:33,647 --> 00:07:36,650
The only item on Scully's
calendar for the entire year
170
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:38,068
is "eat peanut butter."
171
00:07:38,193 --> 00:07:41,743
Yeah, we gotta find them. And to
do that, we have to think like they do.
172
00:07:43,156 --> 00:07:44,282
I'm going in.
173
00:07:46,034 --> 00:07:49,371
All right, there's the butt indentation,
174
00:07:50,038 --> 00:07:52,624
and… [GRUNTS] I'm docked.
175
00:07:52,916 --> 00:07:54,876
Ugh. Still warm.
176
00:07:55,002 --> 00:07:58,547
All right, residual cushion
fart is about a six out of 10.
177
00:07:58,631 --> 00:08:00,132
He's been gone an hour, maybe two.
178
00:08:00,216 --> 00:08:01,467
But where? Hot dogs.
179
00:08:01,592 --> 00:08:03,592
They went for hot dogs. How do you know?
180
00:08:03,761 --> 00:08:06,661
There's a water stain on the
ceiling in the shape of a bun.
181
00:08:07,098 --> 00:08:08,182
Let's go.
182
00:08:09,892 --> 00:08:11,602
Excuse me, have you
seen Hitchcock and Scully?
183
00:08:11,686 --> 00:08:13,604
Three times a day for 12 years.
184
00:08:13,688 --> 00:08:16,190
Twice as often since I
started serving sweet wieners.
185
00:08:16,274 --> 00:08:17,358
Sweet wieners?
186
00:08:17,442 --> 00:08:19,151
It's a normal hot dog with
a little chocolate sauce.
187
00:08:19,235 --> 00:08:20,570
One, please. No, Jake.
188
00:08:20,695 --> 00:08:22,655
No, Terry. Have you seen them recently?
189
00:08:22,905 --> 00:08:25,324
Half hour ago, they ate, and
then they took off in a hurry.
190
00:08:25,408 --> 00:08:26,742
[SIGHS] Half an hour.
191
00:08:26,826 --> 00:08:29,376
They could be anywhere by now.
Nope, there's Scully.
192
00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:33,207
Where's Hitchcock?
I'm taking you guys off your drug case.
193
00:08:33,291 --> 00:08:34,333
Of course you are.
194
00:08:34,417 --> 00:08:35,834
Jake said you didn't believe in us.
195
00:08:35,918 --> 00:08:38,545
What? He didn't believe in you, either.
196
00:08:38,629 --> 00:08:41,173
He was just pumping you up
with lies so you'd work his case.
197
00:08:41,257 --> 00:08:42,675
Jake, is this true?
198
00:08:42,967 --> 00:08:46,679
I just thought, you know, the
two of you might be better off
199
00:08:47,055 --> 00:08:48,555
mousing around the old house.
200
00:08:48,639 --> 00:08:50,141
Oh. I get it.
201
00:08:50,349 --> 00:08:53,228
Just because I got my finger
stuck in a glue trap once,
202
00:08:53,312 --> 00:08:54,605
I'm a mouse?
203
00:08:54,772 --> 00:08:55,814
I got the cheese out, by the way.
204
00:08:55,898 --> 00:08:56,940
Oh, my God.
205
00:08:57,274 --> 00:08:59,524
Look, man, we need to
know where Hitchcock is.
206
00:08:59,610 --> 00:09:01,403
I am ordering you to tell us everything.
207
00:09:01,487 --> 00:09:03,822
Fine. We're setting up a sting.
208
00:09:03,989 --> 00:09:05,866
I'm going undercover as Tex Dallas,
209
00:09:05,991 --> 00:09:09,912
billionaire oil man from Dallas,
Texas, with ties to the cowboy mafia.
210
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,870
Oh, boy. Hitchcock's my middle man,
211
00:09:12,456 --> 00:09:15,125
Reno Vegas, mobster from Reno, Las Vegas.
212
00:09:15,375 --> 00:09:16,501
I said my "oh, boy" too soon.
213
00:09:16,585 --> 00:09:19,337
In 20 minutes, he's going
in totally alone, unarmed,
214
00:09:19,421 --> 00:09:21,297
without a cell phone, to
meet with one of their guys
215
00:09:21,381 --> 00:09:22,549
to set up a buy.
216
00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,217
So, how do you like our plan now?
217
00:09:24,301 --> 00:09:26,845
It's a disaster, man. We got to stop it!
218
00:09:27,096 --> 00:09:30,557
Disaster? Tell me one thing
that's wrong with Operation Beans.
219
00:09:30,641 --> 00:09:32,434
"Operation Beans"?
220
00:09:34,061 --> 00:09:36,354
Good afternoon, sir.
I'm Detective Charles Boyle…
221
00:09:36,438 --> 00:09:37,731
From the Nine-Nine.
222
00:09:38,107 --> 00:09:40,207
My precinct.
I'm the captain, Raymond Holt.
223
00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:43,778
Okay. Uh, please, come on in.
224
00:09:43,862 --> 00:09:46,156
I'll show you the back
room where they broke in.
225
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,701
You're an incredibly gracious
host, Mr. Weichselbraun.
226
00:09:48,785 --> 00:09:51,329
Wow. That pronunciation is flawless.
227
00:09:51,454 --> 00:09:52,497
[LAUGHS]
228
00:09:53,414 --> 00:09:57,877
I must admit, I'm a bit of a
Weichselbrauniac. Mmm.
229
00:09:58,086 --> 00:10:01,589
I saw you perform Bach's
"Oboe Sonata in G minor"
230
00:10:01,673 --> 00:10:04,091
at the Brooklyn Academy of Music.
I was in the front row.
231
00:10:04,175 --> 00:10:07,387
You were escorted out for
gasping too loudly. Ah. [CHUCKLES]
232
00:10:08,012 --> 00:10:09,848
This is a pretty modest apartment.
233
00:10:10,014 --> 00:10:13,017
Uh, how did you afford a
$40,000 oboe in the first place?
234
00:10:13,268 --> 00:10:14,852
I admit that there's not as much money
235
00:10:14,936 --> 00:10:16,437
in classical music as there once…
236
00:10:16,521 --> 00:10:19,607
Which is the real crime here.
237
00:10:19,691 --> 00:10:22,235
Boyle, can I talk to you privately? Sure.
238
00:10:22,527 --> 00:10:24,404
What are you doing? You just insulted
239
00:10:24,529 --> 00:10:26,363
our celebrity victim to his face.
240
00:10:26,447 --> 00:10:27,531
You keep saying "celebrity,"
241
00:10:27,615 --> 00:10:30,159
but he's drying his socks
on a George Foreman grill.
242
00:10:30,243 --> 00:10:35,123
[WHISPERS] This is John William
Weichselbraun, the Silver Spit Prince.
243
00:10:35,748 --> 00:10:37,917
I'm making myself primary
detective on this case.
244
00:10:38,001 --> 00:10:39,210
You can wait in the car. What?
245
00:10:39,294 --> 00:10:41,212
Oh, but first, take a picture
of the two of us together.
246
00:10:41,296 --> 00:10:43,131
Make sure we're laughing. [SIGHS]
247
00:10:43,799 --> 00:10:45,885
Okay. Ha-ha!
248
00:10:46,051 --> 00:10:47,428
[CHUCKLES]
249
00:10:47,553 --> 00:10:48,596
Ah.
250
00:10:48,888 --> 00:10:53,642
Okay, so, I'm going to face
my fear of confined spaces.
251
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:56,353
When I'm ready, you will shut the trunk
252
00:10:56,854 --> 00:10:58,522
and leave me here for 30 minutes.
253
00:10:58,731 --> 00:11:00,941
I left a juice box and a
diaper in there for you,
254
00:11:01,025 --> 00:11:02,401
so you're gonna be fine.
255
00:11:02,610 --> 00:11:04,486
Or we could all give in to our fears
256
00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:06,238
and keep our blood in our
bodies like normal people.
257
00:11:06,322 --> 00:11:09,366
No, Rosa, we are doing
something important here.
258
00:11:09,491 --> 00:11:13,370
We are women, standing up and
supporting each other, and becoming…
259
00:11:13,913 --> 00:11:15,705
New fear, listening to Amy inspire us.
260
00:11:15,789 --> 00:11:18,125
Be back in a half hour, Ames.
261
00:11:18,876 --> 00:11:21,420
-[KNOCKING]
-SANTIAGO: Wait! Come back!
262
00:11:21,587 --> 00:11:23,255
Come back, I can't do this!
263
00:11:23,422 --> 00:11:25,633
No, you're the best! [LAUGHS]
264
00:11:30,262 --> 00:11:31,597
You did it. How'd it go?
265
00:11:31,764 --> 00:11:35,768
Well, the first 10 minutes
were really terrible.
266
00:11:36,310 --> 00:11:38,520
The diaper did not fit.
It was for a baby.
267
00:11:39,147 --> 00:11:43,943
But then, I relaxed, and I
found my inner strength.
268
00:11:44,027 --> 00:11:46,612
I think the lesson here
is that, as women, we…
269
00:11:46,696 --> 00:11:49,073
No! You close that trunk
again and I will kill you!
270
00:11:49,157 --> 00:11:50,825
You hear me? I will kill you!
271
00:11:53,453 --> 00:11:55,204
We're almost there. Slow down, Pinto.
272
00:11:55,288 --> 00:11:58,708
I didn't agree to a bean name.
We are not doing Operation Beans.
273
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:01,085
You know, the only reason
Hitchcock and I took this case
274
00:12:01,169 --> 00:12:02,545
is because you said we were great.
275
00:12:02,629 --> 00:12:04,422
I'm beginning to think
you were lying to us.
276
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,883
I was lying. I already admitted that.
277
00:12:07,008 --> 00:12:09,308
Well, if anything happens,
it's because of you.
278
00:12:09,719 --> 00:12:10,929
Right, Mung? Right.
279
00:12:11,054 --> 00:12:12,763
If Hitchcock dies, it's 'cause of Pinto.
280
00:12:12,847 --> 00:12:16,184
Terry, I know that you're mad, but
you don't have to jump on the bean train.
281
00:12:16,268 --> 00:12:17,310
Uh-oh.
282
00:12:19,729 --> 00:12:23,149
Chickpea! No!
283
00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:27,987
PERALTA: Looks like they're
taking Hitchcock inside that building,
284
00:12:28,071 --> 00:12:29,280
and it looks like they're armed.
285
00:12:29,364 --> 00:12:30,406
Damn it, Jake!
286
00:12:30,490 --> 00:12:32,158
You couldn't just do
the case I assigned you?
287
00:12:32,242 --> 00:12:34,995
Hitchcock's life is in danger.
He has a wife, man.
288
00:12:35,079 --> 00:12:38,040
Don't worry. If anything happens
to him, she'll be taken care of.
289
00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:40,584
If I die, I want you to marry Lucille.
290
00:12:41,544 --> 00:12:43,670
I can't stand the thought
of you being alone.
291
00:12:43,754 --> 00:12:45,839
Deal. Let's make it a blood pact.
292
00:12:45,923 --> 00:12:48,384
Oh, look, I'm already bleeding.
293
00:12:49,010 --> 00:12:50,594
So, just normal friend stuff.
294
00:12:50,761 --> 00:12:52,054
So, what's the plan?
295
00:12:52,179 --> 00:12:53,472
We stick with Operation Beans.
296
00:12:53,556 --> 00:12:56,016
We knock on the front door.
I say I'm Tex Dallas.
297
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:58,185
You're my buddy, Alamo,
and you're Black Fred.
298
00:12:58,269 --> 00:13:01,897
Black Fred? Why "Black Fred"?
There's no other Fred!
299
00:13:02,023 --> 00:13:03,315
Yeah, but they don't know that.
300
00:13:03,399 --> 00:13:06,068
I say Terry and I go in through
the roof and do some recon.
301
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:08,779
Scully, you stay here and call
for backup in case we need it.
302
00:13:08,863 --> 00:13:11,531
Oh, no way. That's my partner in there.
I'm going in.
303
00:13:11,615 --> 00:13:14,315
Also, I can't call for help.
I don't have any quarters.
304
00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:16,912
Hard to argue with that logic.
305
00:13:18,414 --> 00:13:19,623
You know, I… Sir, I need to talk to you
306
00:13:19,707 --> 00:13:21,250
about the Weichselbraun case.
307
00:13:21,876 --> 00:13:22,918
Oh.
308
00:13:23,127 --> 00:13:24,795
I didn't realize you were
here, Mr. Weichselbraun.
309
00:13:24,879 --> 00:13:26,880
I was in the area, and
the captain is a fan,
310
00:13:26,964 --> 00:13:29,614
so I came by to give him
a little gift as a thank you.
311
00:13:29,759 --> 00:13:32,346
It's a signed copy of his
book of mouth exercises.
312
00:13:32,471 --> 00:13:34,639
Reed it and Weep. "Reed" with two Es?
313
00:13:35,474 --> 00:13:37,392
Huh. It's my favorite joke of all time.
314
00:13:37,476 --> 00:13:38,893
I'll come back later. Oh, nonsense.
315
00:13:38,977 --> 00:13:41,938
I'm sure John…
He insists I call him "John."
316
00:13:42,147 --> 00:13:43,940
I'm sure John would appreciate an update
317
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,067
on the whereabouts of his
oboe, wouldn't you, John?
318
00:13:46,151 --> 00:13:47,568
Yeah. Well said, John.
319
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,279
Did you hear what John said? I did,
320
00:13:49,363 --> 00:13:52,115
but it's an open investigation,
and I don't think it's proper
321
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,741
to share information
with the parties involved.
322
00:13:53,825 --> 00:13:55,702
Well, that's why you're
no longer the primary.
323
00:13:55,786 --> 00:13:57,788
John played oboe for Lynne Cheney.
324
00:13:57,913 --> 00:13:59,914
I'm sure we can trust him to be discreet.
325
00:13:59,998 --> 00:14:01,040
Out with it. [SIGHS]
326
00:14:01,124 --> 00:14:03,168
Okay, well, John, you're under arrest.
327
00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:04,377
What? Excuse me?
328
00:14:04,461 --> 00:14:06,713
He staged the robbery
for the insurance money
329
00:14:06,797 --> 00:14:09,757
because he's broke, because
oboists are not celebrities.
330
00:14:09,841 --> 00:14:11,426
This is ludicrous, Boyle.
331
00:14:11,510 --> 00:14:13,553
Do you have one iota of evidence?
332
00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:15,931
I found the oboe for sale online.
333
00:14:16,181 --> 00:14:19,231
We traced the IP address back
to Mr. Weichselbraun's computer.
334
00:14:21,853 --> 00:14:23,563
Oh, John.
335
00:14:24,523 --> 00:14:26,859
Okay, Sarge, everyone
knows you're a superhero,
336
00:14:26,943 --> 00:14:30,279
so you lower Scully and I into that
skylight, and then fly down to meet us.
337
00:14:30,363 --> 00:14:31,864
You know that's impossible. Fine.
338
00:14:31,948 --> 00:14:33,741
We'll lower Scully down together,
339
00:14:33,866 --> 00:14:35,659
and then flop onto him
like a giant mattress.
340
00:14:35,743 --> 00:14:40,873
No, you go first, then I lower
Scully, and you, you get to catch him.
341
00:14:41,624 --> 00:14:43,042
Great. I love that plan.
342
00:14:44,752 --> 00:14:45,794
[QUIETLY] Come on.
343
00:14:45,878 --> 00:14:47,588
-Whoa!
-[BOTH GRUNTING]
344
00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:49,247
[CHOKED TONE] I got him.
345
00:14:55,430 --> 00:14:57,306
Look what I found. French fries?
346
00:14:57,557 --> 00:14:59,516
What? No, it's Hitchcock.
347
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,200
Where would I have found
French fries in a weed farm?
348
00:15:04,230 --> 00:15:06,273
SCULLY: Oh, man, look at him.
This is bad.
349
00:15:06,357 --> 00:15:08,025
He hates standing up.
350
00:15:09,026 --> 00:15:12,696
To conquer my fear of
businessmen, I must walk among them.
351
00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:15,074
I will shake their clammy hands,
352
00:15:15,158 --> 00:15:17,827
and listen to them talk about things like
353
00:15:18,077 --> 00:15:20,163
how hard Wednesdays can be.
354
00:15:21,247 --> 00:15:24,709
Does this outfit look
drab and lifeless enough?
355
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,943
Also, thanks, Amy,
for letting me borrow it.
356
00:15:27,087 --> 00:15:30,048
You're welcome. I wore that suit to prom.
357
00:15:30,507 --> 00:15:31,717
Student chaperone.
358
00:15:32,217 --> 00:15:35,429
I guess this is really happening.
[INHALES]
359
00:15:36,930 --> 00:15:37,973
[SIGHS]
360
00:15:39,016 --> 00:15:41,018
How about those quarterly write-offs?
361
00:15:41,518 --> 00:15:43,770
And did you hear about the merger?
362
00:15:43,854 --> 00:15:46,731
Also, we all need to go in
on those flowers for Beth.
363
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,775
Ugh. Wednesdays.
364
00:15:48,901 --> 00:15:49,985
Who are you again?
365
00:15:50,110 --> 00:15:53,280
Gina, from Sales.
I have the plant on my desk.
366
00:15:53,697 --> 00:15:56,408
Oh. Yeah. You want to sit with us?
367
00:15:56,909 --> 00:15:58,535
We'll all be dead so soon.
368
00:15:58,619 --> 00:15:59,703
What?
369
00:16:00,287 --> 00:16:01,455
I would love to sit.
370
00:16:06,543 --> 00:16:09,338
That was a nightmare.
I ate a Caesar salad wrap.
371
00:16:09,630 --> 00:16:13,133
I'm so proud of you, you lioness.
You faced your fear.
372
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,886
And I emerged victorious.
373
00:16:16,053 --> 00:16:18,472
[CHUCKLES] Yay!
374
00:16:18,639 --> 00:16:19,682
[SIGHS]
375
00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:20,934
That was a wig?
376
00:16:21,434 --> 00:16:24,687
[CHUCKLES] You didn't think
I'd put my actual hair in a ponytail.
377
00:16:24,938 --> 00:16:25,980
Are you insane?
378
00:16:26,314 --> 00:16:27,482
Oh, there's the boss.
379
00:16:29,776 --> 00:16:32,987
I ask only one time. Who do you work for?
380
00:16:33,321 --> 00:16:35,865
DEA? FBI? Police?
381
00:16:35,990 --> 00:16:39,827
I'm in the cowboy mafia.
I work for the Dallas Buyers Club.
382
00:16:40,078 --> 00:16:42,037
I came up with that name. No, you didn't.
383
00:16:42,121 --> 00:16:43,623
It's a movie about AIDS.
384
00:16:44,123 --> 00:16:46,167
You're lying. Let's try again.
385
00:16:46,876 --> 00:16:48,169
-FBI?
-[GRUNTS]
386
00:16:48,545 --> 00:16:49,879
-DEA?
-[GRUNTS]
387
00:16:50,088 --> 00:16:51,214
-Police?
-[GRUNTS]
388
00:16:51,631 --> 00:16:52,923
SCULLY: Oh, no, he's not gonna last.
389
00:16:53,007 --> 00:16:56,657
Oh, Jake, you got to do something.
I don't want to marry Hitchcock's wife.
390
00:16:56,970 --> 00:16:58,555
Here we come, Chickpea.
391
00:16:59,305 --> 00:17:01,849
PERALTA: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Easy.
392
00:17:02,517 --> 00:17:03,559
Howdy there.
393
00:17:03,643 --> 00:17:05,561
I'd really appreciate it kindly
394
00:17:05,645 --> 00:17:08,522
if y'all would stop punching
my associate Reno, there.
395
00:17:08,606 --> 00:17:11,484
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Alamo.
396
00:17:11,568 --> 00:17:13,652
This here's Tex, and this is…
397
00:17:13,736 --> 00:17:15,197
Fred. Just Fred.
398
00:17:15,322 --> 00:17:17,408
And we are…
399
00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:20,202
The Dallas Buyers Club.
400
00:17:20,327 --> 00:17:22,037
Okay. We make a deal.
401
00:17:22,621 --> 00:17:23,955
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
402
00:17:24,039 --> 00:17:25,457
[CHUCKLES] Sounds good.
403
00:17:25,541 --> 00:17:26,708
No, I just told them to surround you.
404
00:17:26,792 --> 00:17:28,752
Dagnabbit. [GRUNTS]
405
00:17:31,922 --> 00:17:34,216
Look, Sarge, I'm sorry
that we're in this mess,
406
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:37,469
but on the bright side, we don't
have to deal with some lame oboist.
407
00:17:37,553 --> 00:17:39,721
You should be apologizing
to Hitchcock and Scully.
408
00:17:39,805 --> 00:17:42,390
You took them out of their
house mouse comfort zone,
409
00:17:42,474 --> 00:17:43,725
and now they might get killed.
410
00:17:43,809 --> 00:17:45,894
You really think
they're going to kill us?
411
00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:48,105
Oh, no, now I'm starting to panic sweat.
412
00:17:48,314 --> 00:17:51,191
"Starting to"? What have you
been doing for the past hour?
413
00:17:51,483 --> 00:17:53,068
-Normal sweating.
-HITCHCOCK: Wait a minute.
414
00:17:53,152 --> 00:17:56,196
If you get killed, what
happens to all your debt?
415
00:17:57,364 --> 00:18:00,200
Loophole.
416
00:18:01,368 --> 00:18:04,412
Oh, you sweaty, chair-spinning morons.
417
00:18:04,496 --> 00:18:06,096
You're gonna get us out of here.
418
00:18:07,374 --> 00:18:09,168
Boyle, may I speak to you?
419
00:18:10,044 --> 00:18:12,839
I don't know.
Are you still mad that I arrested John?
420
00:18:13,131 --> 00:18:14,507
-No.
-[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
421
00:18:15,717 --> 00:18:19,971
I know he's guilty. I'm just chagrined.
Deeply chagrined.
422
00:18:20,555 --> 00:18:23,891
I finally understand the old
adage, "Never meet your heroes."
423
00:18:23,975 --> 00:18:27,479
This is just like when I found
out Robert Frost was from
424
00:18:27,979 --> 00:18:29,230
California.
425
00:18:29,606 --> 00:18:32,776
Or when I saw Mario Batali
with his hair down. [SHUDDERS]
426
00:18:32,984 --> 00:18:35,736
Well, you've handled this case
with the utmost professionalism,
427
00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:38,198
while I've behaved crassly.
428
00:18:38,948 --> 00:18:41,158
I think I've figured out a
way to make it up to you.
429
00:18:41,242 --> 00:18:43,912
Oh, my God, is Dianne Wiest here?
430
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:46,706
No, I've hired a trio
of classical musicians
431
00:18:46,831 --> 00:18:49,501
to perform a Shostakovich cantata,
432
00:18:49,834 --> 00:18:53,713
originally written as an
apology to a dear friend.
433
00:18:56,675 --> 00:18:58,634
Are you stealing kitchen supplies?
434
00:18:58,718 --> 00:19:00,118
Just let us have this stuff.
435
00:19:00,345 --> 00:19:02,345
You have so much, and we have so little.
436
00:19:02,514 --> 00:19:05,183
Perhaps I'll just buy
you a drink instead.
437
00:19:05,350 --> 00:19:10,064
Yeah, that would be best.
Classical musicians are savages.
438
00:19:10,815 --> 00:19:12,441
They're not gonna kill you fast, Scully.
439
00:19:12,525 --> 00:19:14,125
They're gonna make it real slow.
440
00:19:14,443 --> 00:19:17,279
First they're gonna scalp you, and
then they're gonna rip your tongue out.
441
00:19:17,363 --> 00:19:19,657
No. That's my cupcake taster.
442
00:19:19,782 --> 00:19:21,492
What are you doing? Lay off him!
443
00:19:21,659 --> 00:19:24,786
Never. For my plan to work,
he's gotta be basting in sweat.
444
00:19:24,870 --> 00:19:27,623
Hitchcock, you once told me
you could roll that chair anywhere.
445
00:19:27,707 --> 00:19:29,082
You think you could
take it up those stairs?
446
00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:33,546
I once rode a chair home in a blizzard.
So, yeah, I can go upstairs.
447
00:19:33,796 --> 00:19:35,172
So do it.
448
00:19:39,385 --> 00:19:42,930
Oh, he's amazing.
He's like a big, lazy Michelle Kwan.
449
00:19:43,305 --> 00:19:45,155
But how's he gonna get up the stairs?
450
00:19:45,808 --> 00:19:47,893
Jake. He already did.
451
00:19:48,227 --> 00:19:49,270
[PERALTA GASPS]
452
00:19:50,521 --> 00:19:52,231
Okay, it's go time.
453
00:19:52,398 --> 00:19:54,734
Help! My man's having a heart attack!
454
00:19:54,859 --> 00:19:55,901
Help!
455
00:19:57,194 --> 00:19:58,237
Hitchcock, now!
456
00:19:58,446 --> 00:19:59,488
[GRUNTS]
457
00:20:00,406 --> 00:20:01,907
Scully, grab his gun.
458
00:20:03,326 --> 00:20:05,245
[ROARS]
459
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:09,249
It's not sticky because I'm so juicy.
460
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:10,792
Told you I knew what I was doing.
461
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,043
Black Fred, think quick.
462
00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:14,212
No, no. Ow! That was a gun, man!
463
00:20:14,421 --> 00:20:16,771
Scully, grab that dude's
knife and cut us loose.
464
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,633
We're gonna get the rest of these guys.
465
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:22,929
It's time for Operation
Beans, phase two, the refrying.
466
00:20:23,346 --> 00:20:24,931
Sure you're ready to
go through with this?
467
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,434
You know what? Today was stupid.
468
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,727
But seeing you both overcome
your fears did help me,
469
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:32,397
and I think we've all grown as women.
470
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:36,276
Okay. I'm ready.
471
00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:39,278
Stab me! Stab me!
472
00:20:39,362 --> 00:20:40,655
Do it, just do it!
473
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:42,449
Rosa? I'm psyching myself up.
474
00:20:42,657 --> 00:20:45,118
[YELLS]
475
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:49,331
Don't look at them! Look at me!
Do your job! Drain me!
476
00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:51,048
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
477
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:53,960
There they are.
478
00:20:54,085 --> 00:20:56,838
Everybody give it up
for Hitchcock and Scully.
479
00:20:57,005 --> 00:20:58,048
[APPLAUSE]
480
00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:02,761
To thank you for all you
did, bringing down a drug ring,
481
00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:04,346
we have a little present for you.
482
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:07,057
-Brand-new, top-of-the-line desk chairs.
-[BOTH GASPING]
483
00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:10,311
Extra padding, with
adjustable height and recline.
484
00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:11,938
Hey, chair.
485
00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:14,315
Get ready to meet your new best friend,
486
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:17,485
my ass. Oh.
487
00:21:17,652 --> 00:21:18,802
[BOTH GROANING HAPPILY]
488
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:21,078
That was very nice of you. They did good.
489
00:21:21,572 --> 00:21:24,158
Also, I was worried they might
want to go out in the field more,
490
00:21:24,242 --> 00:21:26,368
and I need something to
keep them at their desks.
491
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,746
You really think that that is
going to keep them at their…
492
00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:30,498
And they're both asleep already.
493
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,333
And the city's safer for it.
494
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:34,335
Sleep tight, you magnificent oafs.
495
00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:35,711
You deserve it.