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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke show!

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( MUSIC PLAYING )

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Yep, be right with you.

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See something else you like, madam?

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Oh, can you tell me what this material is?

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That, my dear lady,

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is genuine imported tie material.

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( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT )

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So it is.

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Yes, they make ties out of this stuff.

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Oh?

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Shall I wrap it up?

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Well, I wasn't really looking for a tie.

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Oh, well, in that case, let's play a game.

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A game? Yes.

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You pick out any tie

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that you think your husband would like,

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and I'll tell you what he looks like

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and what he does for a living--

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and if I miss, you get the tie free.

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Oh, no, I couldn't.

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Why? What have you got to lose?

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Come on, be a sport.

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What he's like and what he does for a living?

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Right? Okay, you're on.

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Come on. Bigger selection over here.

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Look, I got slim jims, fat jims,

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bow ties, and an ascot--

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in case your husband's a big movie star.

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This one. All right.

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All right. What's he like?

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Well, he's, tall, good-looking,

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and has excellent taste in wives.

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So far, perfect!

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Now, what does he do for a living?

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He's the 35th President of the United States.

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Shall I wrap it up, Mrs. Kennedy?

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Okay, you win. Wrap it up.

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I'll bet I was close, though.

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What does your husband do?

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He's a Television comedy writer.

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What's his name?

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Robert Petrie.

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Are you married to that string bean?

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Yes, I am. Do you know my husband?

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Do I know him? I gave him his first job.

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Look, would you do me a favor

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and give this to him as a present from me?

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Oh, no. I couldn't.

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Oh, it would make me very, very happy if you would.

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Well, all right.

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Who shall I say gave it to him?

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Oh, just say an old friend sends a happy hello.

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Now get outta here 'fore I charge you for the tie.

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Good-bye. Good-bye to you.

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Oh, I love getting gifts,

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but I sure wish I knew who he was.

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Well, why don't you stop by the shop

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sometime next week and thank him,

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and then you'll see for yourself.

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Said he gave me my first job, huh?

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Mm-hm. Who did give you your first job, dear?

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Well, old Happy Spangler

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gave me my first professional job.

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Well, that's him!

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He said to give you a happy hello.

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Hap Spangler? No, it couldn't be.

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Why not?

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Well, for one thing,

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Hap would never be working in a tie store,

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and secondly, I think old Hap died a few years ago.

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Oh, well this man was alive, gray-haired and jolly.

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As a matter of fact, he looked a lot like your Uncle Frank.

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Uncle Frank? Uh-hm.

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That could be Hap Spangler.

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Gee, I'd like to see him again.

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Were you very fond of him?

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Fond of him? I hated him!

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Really? Oh, with a passion!

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I don't think I've ever seen you hate with a passion.

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Yeah. well, you've never been around

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when old Hap used to rip into me

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in front of a room full of people.

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Why'd he do that?

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Oh, he liked me.

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Well, that's a funny way to show it.

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Well, old Hap Spangler used to run a pretty tough school,

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but I learned more from him

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than all the other people I ever worked for.

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You could say old hap was responsible

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for getting me all of this-- and all of this.

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Well, old Hap may have been responsible

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for getting you all that-this,

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but this-this, I gave you.

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That's right-- for a wedding present!

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That'll be two dollars even.

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Now get outta here,

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and don't tell anybody where you bought it.

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He's pretty funny.

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Picked the ugliest tie in the store.

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Well, what's wrong with you?

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Didn't you like the tie your wife picked out?

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Oh...

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Just because you're a big Television writer

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doesn't mean you've got taste.

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Good to see you, String Bean.

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How are you, Hap?

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Oh, for a sick old man, I feel pretty sick and old.

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How are you, Rob?

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I'm just fine, thanks.

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My wife told me you were working here,

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and I had to come by and say hello to you.

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Well, I'm certainly glad you did.

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You'll never know how proud I am of your success.

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Well, you know, I owe a good deal of that to you, Hap.

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Ha-ha.

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You don't owe me anything-- except maybe a little hatred.

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I used to pick on you pretty good, didn't I?

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Oh, you sure did. I thank you for it, too.

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I used to stay up all night writing

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just to prove how wrong you were.

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I knew you would.

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I kind of knew you knew I would, too.

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But I knew that you knew that I knew you would...

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( CHUCKLES )

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I don't know how to thank you, Hap.

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You really want to thank me?

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I sure do.

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Buy a tie.

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Well, I'm not too sure that would cover it.

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( CHUCKLES )

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Uh, Hap, I don't know exactly how to say this...

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Well, I do, so let me say it for you.

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"Hap, whatever happened to you?

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"You used to be one of the biggest

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"radio writers in the world.

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"I thought you were dead.

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"What are you doing in a haberdashery store

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"selling ties?"

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Is that what you were about to say?

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That's about what I was gonna say--

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what did happen?

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Oh, a lot, and it all happened at once.

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My wife died, I got sick, went to Switzerland to live.

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When I came back,

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I found out that radio no longer had any use

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for my kind of writing.

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I tried Television,

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but it was too old and too tired--

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didn't keep up with the times, I guess.

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So, I found this little niche, crawled in,

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and I must say I'm happy.

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Are you really?

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Well, I'm not unhappy.

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Happiness is a relative thing.

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I make a couple of bucks, and...my relatives are happy.

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I see you still make a pretty good joke.

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No, I don't make 'em. I just remember 'em.

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Say, Hap...

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Say, look, Rob, I'm way ahead of you.

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I know what's running through

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that soft, sentimental brain of yours.

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What can I do for this old has-been?

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Maybe I can get him a job on some writing staff

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where he won't get in the way.

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Well, my answer to you, young man, is,

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you wanna buy some drip-dry underwear?

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No.

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No, you want to hear what's really running

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through my soft, sentimental brain?

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No, but go ahead.

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All right.

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I was thinking if I could just harness

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this fine old comedy mind again,

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a lot of people in this industry would say,

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"Hey, that Robert Petrie's a pretty smart boy.

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"Found himself an old writer in a tie store,

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"gave him a minimum staff job

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"and ended up with a big bargain."

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( CHUCKLES ) and if the old man

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turned out to be a dud...

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Well, all right. I'd still be a hero then.

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People would say,

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"Hey, what a sweet guy Robert Petrie is--

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"he doesn't forget those guys that helped him out."

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Now, what would you say

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if I could arrange a staff job for you?

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Well, I'd say, I'd say...

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Rob, I don't know what to say.

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Good enough for me, Hap.

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I'll be in touch with you.

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You see what happens when you let your wife go shopping?

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She comes home with a rotten tie

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and a has-been comedy writer.

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Now, Buddy, that's not nice.

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How would you like to be called a has-been?

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Oh, Buddy will never be a has-been.

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He'll always be a never-was.

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Look who's talking.

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He's been in the business 20 years,

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and he's still a-- what is it?

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Look, Buddy. Mr. Spangler is gonna be here any minute.

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I'd like to get this thing settled.

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Well, I don't know anything

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about Happy Spangler as a writer,

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but he certainly is going to do

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more good for this company than--

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someone who should remain hairless.

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All: Buddy!

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( mimicking ) Buddy!

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ROB: Mel, what do you think?

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I say hire Mr. Spangler.

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I've always felt we were understaffed.

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Rob, I don't see how you've done as well as you have

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with just you, Sally and a trained ape.

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I didn't know you were trained.

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Look, Rob, I'm all for more help,

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but will Spangler be any help?

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I mean, he's been out of the business for so long.

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Well, he's still a funny guy.

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I think if he contributes one decent idea,

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it'll be worthwhile.

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Well, I hope you know what you're doing.

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Well, all I'm doing is trying to give the guy

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( PHONE RINGS ) a second chance.

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Yeah, yeah, Marge.

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Oh, good, send him in.

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He's here.

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Hey, Buddy. What?

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How do I look?

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Gorgeous, gorgeous.

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Need any lipstick?

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No, I don't think so. My lips look all right.

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Hey, Mel, you're not gonna meet a new employee like that--

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for heaven's sakes, comb your hair!

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Sally, loan him a sponge.

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Well, hi, Hap.

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Come on in. Hello, Rob.

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Thank you.

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Let me take your hat and coat.

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Thank you very much.

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Hap, this is Mel Cooley, our producer.

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Well, it's a pleasure to have such a distinguished

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writer on our staff.

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Thank you, Mr. Cooley.

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Even though it's a lot of baloney,

247
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I enjoyed hearing it.

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Hey, Rob, I like this guy already.

249
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Uh, Hap, this is Buddy Sorrell.

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Hiya, Hap. Hey, look.

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Two things and we'll be friends--

252
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first of all, don't sleep on that couch

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during my naptime and second of all,

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help me write some new baldy jokes to insult him.

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It's a deal! But, don't worry.

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I'm very bad at bald-headed jokes.

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Good, I'm glad.

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Well, how are you at picking up luncheon tabs

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for single-girl writers?

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Well, I'm sorry-- this is Sally Rogers.

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I'm sorry I'm Sally Rogers, too.

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We should have Brigitte Bardot,

263
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,929
but what are you going to do?

264
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:51,797
Well, everything seems to be under control here.

265
00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:53,099
If you'll excuse me, Mr. Spangler,

266
00:08:53,132 --> 00:08:54,333
I have work to do.

267
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:57,136
Good luck emptying the ash trays, skinhead.

268
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,976
Loves me. ha-ha.

269
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,212
Mel and Buddy have this mutual misunderstanding going on,

270
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:07,780
but it's not as serious as it sounds.

271
00:09:07,813 --> 00:09:09,815
Nah, I just do it because I, I like to rib him,

272
00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,250
you know, on account I...hate him.

273
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,086
You can hate him, too.

274
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,154
It's fun-- here's how you do it.

275
00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:17,356
Now, first of all...

276
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,125
You squint into his beady eyes, you see.

277
00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:19,992
Buddy, we better get started.

278
00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:20,927
We've got a whole script to write here.

279
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,063
Yeah, let's write one about beady eyes.

280
00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:24,897
Hap, sit down.

281
00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:26,032
I'll try and bring you up-to-date.

282
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,233
Well, that will be a good trick if you could do it.

283
00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,902
Don't forget I haven't written for a comedy show in 15 years.

284
00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:31,370
( CHUCKLES ) I meant I'll bring you up-to-date

285
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:32,905
on what we've written for this week's show.

286
00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:34,073
Oh. Sal?

287
00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:36,275
Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

288
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,210
Welcome to The Alan Brady Show.

289
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,812
You're now up-to-date.

290
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,783
You mean that's all we've got?

291
00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:44,584
Well, don't you remember

292
00:09:44,617 --> 00:09:45,851
we threw out the opening sketch?

293
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:46,953
He threw it out. I still liked it.

294
00:09:46,986 --> 00:09:48,120
I don't know what was wrong.

295
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,956
Aw, Buddy. The thing was too long.

296
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:53,059
It was in bad taste and it wasn't even funny.

297
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,428
Well, aside from that, what didn't you like?

298
00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:56,829
Tell me, is Alan Brady rough

299
00:09:56,862 --> 00:09:58,431
when it comes to accepting material?

300
00:09:58,464 --> 00:09:59,231
Rough?

301
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,033
Hap, some day you gotta get Rob

302
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:02,835
to do his impression of Alan Brady reading

303
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,338
a piece of comedy material for the first time.

304
00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:06,739
Well, I'd like to see it now.

305
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:07,840
Yeah, yeah, do it now.

306
00:10:07,873 --> 00:10:09,942
( TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ) Come on, Rob, come on.

307
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:14,213
We have a whole script to write, you guys.

308
00:10:14,246 --> 00:10:17,149
All right, just relax. Now, Hap, look--

309
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:19,285
Alan always smokes a two-foot cigar--

310
00:10:19,318 --> 00:10:20,953
watch this.

311
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:22,254
Yeah, yeah. hold up, and he always looks like

312
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,356
he needs a shave.

313
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:30,129
That's our boss! And the hat.

314
00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:31,097
Buddy will be Rob, see,

315
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,199
and he's gonna give Alan this week's script.

316
00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:35,201
Right, do it, Buddy, do it.

317
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:37,169
BUDDY: and here's this week's script, boss.

318
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:39,198
Hey, wait a minute, boss.

319
00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:40,232
Look here. Here's the funny stuff.

320
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:41,300
Look!

321
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:47,006
Ahem!

322
00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:53,312
( GIGGLING )

323
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,668
Oh, boy. You see, Hap.

324
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:17,803
Now does that give you a vague idea of what goes on?

325
00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:18,838
He's that rough, huh?

326
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:21,107
And that's when he likes it!

327
00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:22,208
I know the type.

328
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,176
He sounds like a reincarnation of one of my old bosses,

329
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:25,344
Billy Barrow.

330
00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:26,178
This was early radio.

331
00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:27,813
You probably don't even remember this.

332
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:29,014
Oh, I remember.

333
00:12:29,048 --> 00:12:31,083
Billy Barrow and his gang every Sunday night, 7 o'clock.

334
00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:32,284
Boy, I'd never miss it!

335
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:35,187
♪ Billy Barrow's back again hooray hooray ♪

336
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:36,822
Wait a minute!

337
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:38,457
Sally, you remember that?

338
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:41,861
W-well, uh, not exactly.

339
00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:43,562
My mother used to tell me about it.

340
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,301
Look, you guys. we've got a whole script to write.

341
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:50,402
We better get down to work now.

342
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,303
Right, okay.

343
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,072
When I think of all the people in America

344
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:53,873
who used to think

345
00:12:53,906 --> 00:12:56,475
Mr. Billy Barrow was Mr. Swell Fella.

346
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,444
You mean, that big jolly guy was really a rat?

347
00:12:58,477 --> 00:12:59,612
A rat?

348
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:02,014
The writers used to give him Swiss cheese on his birthday.

349
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:04,416
Heh, heh. Let's get down to work...

350
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:05,851
I remember once we had this opera star...

351
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:08,387
Boy, was she big.

352
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,890
She could sing the quartet from "Rigoletto" all by herself.

353
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:12,525
Ha-ha!

354
00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:13,626
Buddy, you had an idea for the opening...

355
00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:14,994
Sally, come here. I must tell you.

356
00:13:15,027 --> 00:13:16,428
I must tell you this, Buddy. Sit down.

357
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,430
The first day of rehearsal... Yeah.

358
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,466
This fat woman walks in, and one writer says,

359
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:22,034
"Boy, is she fat.

360
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:23,502
"I'll bet she has to put on a girdle

361
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:24,870
"to get into a kimono."

362
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:26,071
Ha-ha-ha!

363
00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:27,206
Listen, we better start to work, you guys.

364
00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:30,109
HAP: There she comes, walking in with her entourage.

365
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,912
She's got her maid, her agent, her coach...

366
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:33,946
( MUSIC PLAYING )

367
00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:39,485
( TYPING SOUNDS )

368
00:13:39,518 --> 00:13:40,386
Coffee time.

369
00:13:40,419 --> 00:13:42,221
Oh, good. What time is it?

370
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:43,522
It must be half-past

371
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:44,523
my wife's gonna give me the devil

372
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,125
for coming-home-this-late time.

373
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:48,227
Well, according to my watch,

374
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:50,496
right now I should be saying to my boyfriend,

375
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:54,333
"Roger, I do not think that's a fitting proposal.

376
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:57,403
"If you want to get married, don't ask your mother, ask me."

377
00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:01,307
Rob, do you know that I was a young girl

378
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:02,541
when this evening started?

379
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:03,943
Now, come on.

380
00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:04,944
I'm sorry, you guys.

381
00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:06,378
If we don't finish this script come show night,

382
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,546
all of our viewers

383
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,348
are going to be staring at blank television screens--

384
00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:11,684
and we're gonna be staring at blank paychecks.

385
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:12,651
This is the second week in a row

386
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,420
you've fallen so far behind.

387
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:16,989
I don't know how you can work such long hours.

388
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,458
Eight hours at the office and then all night here.

389
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:22,261
Laura, we don't work long hours at the office.

390
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:24,263
We spend them listening to Happy Spangler

391
00:14:24,296 --> 00:14:26,432
and his recollections down memory lane.

392
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:28,634
Is that all he does all day long, is reminisce?

393
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:31,637
No, he has a few laughs and he has lunch with us

394
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:33,205
and then he sits around remembering jokes

395
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:35,541
from a 30-year-old radio program.

396
00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:37,376
If you ask me, he's ruining our show.

397
00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:40,079
Aw, look, I told you guys-- just give him a few more days.

398
00:14:40,112 --> 00:14:41,180
All right.

399
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,282
How about Christmas, fourth of July and New Year's?

400
00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:46,619
Rob, would you think me a meddling wife

401
00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:48,053
if I gave an opinion?

402
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,622
Yes, but that won't stop you, will it?

403
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:50,623
No.

404
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,958
Honey, it seems to me that if you continue--

405
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:54,260
look, how can I fire the old guy

406
00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:55,494
that gave me my start?

407
00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:57,129
I'm sorry I brought it up.

408
00:14:57,162 --> 00:14:58,731
Rob, look, I like the guy, too,

409
00:14:58,764 --> 00:15:01,200
but let's face it. He's been no help at all.

410
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,468
Now you've got to do something.

411
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:04,169
Sally's right. On account of Happy Spangler,

412
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,705
we got a four-minute hole in this week's script.

413
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,974
Which we won't fill up by tomorrow.

414
00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:10,743
Now Rob, I'm sorry, I'm just too tired

415
00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:12,511
to think funny anymore tonight.

416
00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:14,580
All right, all right. You guys win.

417
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:16,315
I'll tell the old guy in the morning.

418
00:15:16,348 --> 00:15:18,350
What will you tell him, dear?

419
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:19,218
I'll tell him the truth--

420
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:20,552
that he's a washed-up old has-been,

421
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:21,353
he's been getting in our way,

422
00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:22,154
and he hasn't been one bit of help.

423
00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:23,989
Oh, you're not going to say that.

424
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:25,357
No, I'm not, but whatever I say,

425
00:15:25,391 --> 00:15:26,759
that's what he's gonna think.

426
00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:27,593
Well, I'll go through with it

427
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:29,561
because I happen to agree with you.

428
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,096
Boy, I sure hate to do it, though.

429
00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:37,436
Hi, Rob.

430
00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:38,604
Oh hi, Hap.

431
00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:40,039
Where's the gang-- goofin' off?

432
00:15:40,072 --> 00:15:42,174
Uh, no, they, uh, they went down for coffee.

433
00:15:42,207 --> 00:15:43,342
How's the script coming?

434
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:44,076
Not too well, Hap.

435
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,277
We got a big hole in the middle.

436
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:46,178
We're in a bit of trouble.

437
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:47,212
Oh, I know how you feel.

438
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:48,213
We used to have the same trouble

439
00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:49,481
with the old Pinky Hamilton show.

440
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,216
We could never make that deadline.

441
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:53,118
You know, we used to have to write a comedy song

442
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:54,720
for that show every week, a brand new one?

443
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:57,222
I had one favorite, let me play it for you.

444
00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:58,324
( PLAYSV PIANO )

445
00:15:58,357 --> 00:16:01,627
Hap, can I talk to you for just a second?

446
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:02,728
Sure.

447
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:04,096
Sit down, will you, Hap?

448
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,170
Well?

449
00:16:11,203 --> 00:16:13,138
Well, Hap, it's about the show.

450
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:13,739
We're behind.

451
00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:14,473
Oh, I know.

452
00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:15,808
We're gonna have to work nights.

453
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:17,810
Well, as I said, Hap, we're behind,

454
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:20,379
and I think one of the reasons,

455
00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:24,650
well, probably the main reason...

456
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:25,751
Hap, what I'm trying to say is

457
00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:28,087
I think we're behind because of you.

458
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,490
Oh. I'm not pulling my weight, huh?

459
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:35,060
I just spend too much time gabbing about the old days--

460
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:35,761
is that it?

461
00:16:35,794 --> 00:16:38,230
Well, frankly, yes.

462
00:16:38,263 --> 00:16:42,634
Rob...if you don't mind... I'd like to resign.

463
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,270
Well, Hap, I don't know what to say.

464
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:46,271
If only you'd...

465
00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:48,574
I'd come up with an idea or a joke.

466
00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:50,175
Or at least tried.

467
00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:51,410
I was afraid.

468
00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:52,211
Afraid?

469
00:16:52,244 --> 00:16:54,613
Yeah...that's why I kept stalling.

470
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:55,848
Afraid.

471
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:57,549
I used to think if I only had the chance,

472
00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:58,617
I would show them

473
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:02,121
I'm still the best comedy writer in the business.

474
00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:06,525
Well, I had my chance.

475
00:17:06,558 --> 00:17:09,128
Much obliged to you.

476
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:11,096
Oh, I wish it could have turned out differently, Hap.

477
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:13,132
It's all right.

478
00:17:13,165 --> 00:17:15,100
Maybe it's for the better.

479
00:17:15,134 --> 00:17:15,968
When I get back to the store,

480
00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:18,470
I'll, uh, concentrate on selling ties

481
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:19,872
instead of daydreaming.

482
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:21,673
More profit that way.

483
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,142
See ya.

484
00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:24,343
I'm sorry, Hap.

485
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,645
Aw, don't feel bad.

486
00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:29,415
Look, I'm like an old-time baseball player.

487
00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:31,150
I don't want to play the game every day,

488
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:32,885
I just wanted to know that I could still hit one

489
00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:35,320
out of the ballpark if I felt like it.

490
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:37,289
Hap, you know, it might be my fault that you didn't.

491
00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:38,090
Nah.

492
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,892
Well, just because you got gray hair

493
00:17:39,925 --> 00:17:41,260
and you used to be my boss,

494
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:42,494
I think I've been treating you

495
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:44,630
with the wrong kind of respect.

496
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:47,199
When you started out with those long reminiscences in here,

497
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:48,066
I should have said,

498
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,301
"Not now, Hap, we've got work to do."

499
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:50,502
Nah, you said that a couple of times.

500
00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:53,372
Yeah, but not with the right kind of authority.

501
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:57,543
Hap, look, you got two weeks' pay from us.

502
00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:58,677
Now I think that might entitle me

503
00:17:58,710 --> 00:17:59,678
to search around in that brain of yours

504
00:17:59,711 --> 00:18:00,512
and find out what's in there

505
00:18:00,546 --> 00:18:03,248
besides old show business stories.

506
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:04,316
If you find any ideas in there,

507
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:06,251
they'll be covered over with moss.

508
00:18:06,285 --> 00:18:07,319
You know, why don't we just...

509
00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:08,921
Why don't we just try letting me dig them out--

510
00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:10,189
what do you say?

511
00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:12,424
Well, you'll need a pretty big shovel,

512
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:14,693
but, go ahead. try.

513
00:18:14,726 --> 00:18:17,329
Okay. now Hap, we've got four minutes of comedy

514
00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:18,363
to fill in the show...

515
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:19,398
Listen, Rob,

516
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,733
why don't you let an old man resign gracefully?

517
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,902
Hap, what's your favorite kind of comedy?

518
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,238
The kind you can't do on television.

519
00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:27,172
What kind is that?

520
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:28,674
The kind I couldn't do on radio, either.

521
00:18:28,707 --> 00:18:30,909
Good, old-fashioned slapstick.

522
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,612
Where a guy steps into a bucket of wet cement,

523
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:35,581
sits on a chair, does a pratfall,

524
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:37,583
bumps his shin on a desk.

525
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,451
Well, why can't we do that kind of thing on Television?

526
00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:42,421
Because people are too sophisticated and civilized.

527
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:43,789
It's very easy for a fella to get a laugh

528
00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:45,958
by opening a drawer, closing it,

529
00:18:45,991 --> 00:18:48,894
and getting his hand caught-- awww!

530
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:50,262
See, you laughed.

531
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:51,463
I could have broken my finger.

532
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:52,865
That's not funny, is it?

533
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:55,801
See, we've learned not to laugh at people's misfortunes.

534
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:58,203
Hap, let me in there just a second.

535
00:18:58,237 --> 00:18:59,404
Three-and-a-half more minutes,

536
00:18:59,438 --> 00:19:00,772
we've got ourselves a comedy bit.

537
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,474
What bit? I've been giving a lecture.

538
00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:04,610
I know-- that's just what I mean.

539
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:05,844
Alan Brady's gonna do a lecture

540
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,313
on what people should not laugh at.

541
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:09,481
Oh, forget about it.

542
00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:10,215
No, come on, come on.

543
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:11,783
You said comedy is too civilized

544
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:12,784
( TYPING )

545
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,253
and sophisticated. That's it.

546
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:17,222
Now what was the, what was the desk drawer...

547
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:18,157
Okay, hap, would you put

548
00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:18,957
the little chair over here by the piano?

549
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,526
Sure. Hm.

550
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:21,793
But I don't want a lecture on comedy.

551
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:22,928
I want comedy.

552
00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:24,930
Besides, Alan's not a lecturer.

553
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:28,634
Hey, Rob, for once I gotta agree with stupid.

554
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,335
Look, would you guys please reserve your judgment

555
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:31,970
for five minutes now?

556
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,306
All right. Sit down over there, Mel.

557
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:34,940
So I guess we're all set.

558
00:19:34,973 --> 00:19:36,275
Yeah, that's good, Hap.

559
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:37,743
Sit down here. Yeah.

560
00:19:37,776 --> 00:19:39,845
All right. now the scene opens-- now where did I start...

561
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:40,579
Over at the desk.

562
00:19:40,612 --> 00:19:41,747
Yeah, at the desk.

563
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,649
Okay.

564
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:46,652
The scene will open with Alan seated at a desk

565
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:47,553
with his, uh, script.

566
00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:49,388
He has the sheaf of papers in his hand.

567
00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:51,256
And he starts out by saying,

568
00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:53,659
"I would like to discuss with you,

569
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,995
"uh, the development of comedy in this country today,

570
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,398
"and I'm very happy to report to you

571
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:01,400
"that it's reached a level of sophistication

572
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,902
"of which we could be very, very proud.

573
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,804
"you know, we no longer laugh at the things

574
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:07,606
"our grandparents laughed at.

575
00:20:07,639 --> 00:20:10,943
"by that I mean low humor and slapstick comedy--

576
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:12,411
"that humor which gets its laughter

577
00:20:12,444 --> 00:20:15,647
"from cruelty and physical pain."

578
00:20:15,681 --> 00:20:16,582
"most, uh--"

579
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,554
Ow! ( GROANS )

580
00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:24,957
Ow!

581
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:31,830
"Now, there's nothing funny today about people in pain.

582
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:33,398
"Back in ancient times,

583
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:35,767
"I suppose that primitive man used to laugh

584
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,803
"if somebody had some kind of physical pain."

585
00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:44,076
"look at that.

586
00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:47,613
( GRUNTS, GROANS )

587
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:48,714
Ah-huh.

588
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:50,882
"Uh, but today, modern people won't fall for that,

589
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,552
"for that uh, for that kind of humor.

590
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,087
"The modern comedian gets his laughs

591
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,722
by using his intellect..."

592
00:20:57,889 --> 00:20:59,391
"and you see he doesn't stoop to low,

593
00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:01,026
physical kind of comedy."

594
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:13,905
"Ha, oh, that's uh.

595
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,774
"Only an infantile mind, ladies and gentlemen,

596
00:21:15,807 --> 00:21:18,110
"would laugh at a--at a--uh, man

597
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:23,415
"who was in some kind of pain, possibly uh, blood poisoning."

598
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,917
"Uh, probably a little child would laugh at that,

599
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,052
"but you and I wouldn't."

600
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,600
Oh boy!

601
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:45,604
"Hm.

602
00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:48,473
"Phew!"

603
00:21:52,577 --> 00:21:54,913
"Today's, today's modern-day comedian comes out

604
00:21:54,946 --> 00:21:57,749
"in front of his audience with a relaxed manner

605
00:21:57,783 --> 00:21:58,817
"and approaches them intellectually,

606
00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:00,152
"with a stool or a chair,

607
00:22:00,185 --> 00:22:01,420
"and talks to them in a relaxed..."

608
00:22:16,435 --> 00:22:21,073
"as Professor Sigmund Freud once said...

609
00:22:21,106 --> 00:22:22,874
"laughing at people in pain

610
00:22:22,908 --> 00:22:26,011
"is a manifestation of a deep-seated hostility."

611
00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:38,390
"But people, people..."

612
00:22:41,593 --> 00:22:45,030
"Oooh, oooh, oooh, hm."

613
00:22:52,170 --> 00:22:54,573
"Professor Freud would not have laughed

614
00:22:54,606 --> 00:22:56,608
"at a man who hurt his foot."

615
00:22:58,543 --> 00:22:59,778
"Thank goodness we have reached a point

616
00:22:59,811 --> 00:23:01,146
"in our civilization today

617
00:23:01,179 --> 00:23:02,748
"where we no longer laugh at people

618
00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:03,849
"destroying themselves."

619
00:23:14,926 --> 00:23:16,728
"I'm very happy, I'm very happy to say

620
00:23:16,762 --> 00:23:18,830
"that you'd have to look over the world

621
00:23:18,864 --> 00:23:22,634
"to find someone who would laugh at a man, say, falling down--

622
00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:24,102
"oh, no...

623
00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:45,724
Hey, Hap, I gotta tell you about that comedy bit.

624
00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:47,225
We've had phone calls all day.

625
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:48,960
Say, I got some phone calls here.

626
00:23:48,994 --> 00:23:50,595
Some people saw my credit on the screen.

627
00:23:50,629 --> 00:23:51,763
Ha-ha-ha.

628
00:23:51,797 --> 00:23:52,998
Hap, you know something?

629
00:23:53,031 --> 00:23:53,865
I don't think you should have resigned.

630
00:23:53,899 --> 00:23:55,167
I think Alan Brady would love to have you

631
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,568
around that office.

632
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,236
Look, I'm glad the bit was a big success,

633
00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:00,572
and I'm flattered that you want me to work for you,

634
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:02,674
but writing comedy on a weekly basis

635
00:24:02,707 --> 00:24:03,775
is not for me.

636
00:24:03,809 --> 00:24:05,043
Heh, heh-- not at my age.

637
00:24:05,076 --> 00:24:07,679
Aw, Hap, you're too young to retire.

638
00:24:07,712 --> 00:24:08,847
Who's retiring?

639
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:13,718
I got my tie shop-- and my typewriter.

640
00:24:13,752 --> 00:24:14,586
If I come up with anything good,

641
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,688
I'll be most happy to send it to you.

642
00:24:16,721 --> 00:24:18,557
Oh, Hap, I couldn't accept comedy--

643
00:24:18,590 --> 00:24:20,625
look, you can do an old man a great favor.

644
00:24:20,659 --> 00:24:21,760
I'll doodle around on the typewriter,

645
00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,862
and if I find anything that sounds the least bit funny,

646
00:24:23,895 --> 00:24:25,797
I'll be glad to give it to you.

647
00:24:25,831 --> 00:24:27,265
All right, but what can I do for you?

648
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:28,834
Aw, forget about it.

649
00:24:28,867 --> 00:24:30,969
If you like the material and if you use it,

650
00:24:31,002 --> 00:24:34,639
drop in, say hello, and bring me a lot of money.

651
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:37,609
Okay, Hap. It's a deal.

652
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:38,410
Thank you very much, Rob.

653
00:24:38,443 --> 00:24:40,278
Good-bye, and my best to Laura.

654
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,847
Hey now!

655
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:46,184
( MUSIC PLAYING )

656
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,022
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )