1
00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:05,804
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:09,108
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:12,678
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,681
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:19,184
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:22,521
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,123
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,858
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:31,030
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:37,469
Hey Lois, can I please
have another pancake?
11
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,471
(laughs)
What? What's so funny?
12
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,140
I don't know.
Dog eating pancakes.
13
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:42,474
It's funny.
14
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,843
Mom, I need a check
for the school field trip.
15
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:47,279
Geez, Meg, didn't I just
take you on a field trip?
16
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,349
Okay, here's the field!
Good-bye forever!
17
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,985
(engine revving,
tires squealing)
18
00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:55,154
Aah! Meg, I'm injured!
19
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:56,655
Please help me!
20
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,624
I smell gas!
21
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:03,829
Meg, I'm still alive,
but I'm badly burned!
22
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:07,166
Come save my life and
nurse me back to health!
23
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:11,837
Oh, God, why do bad things
happen to good people?!
24
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:13,405
Here, sweetie, I'll
write you a check.
25
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,840
No, no, I got it, Lois.
26
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,241
Let me just lick my thumb
27
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:19,678
'cause that's what people do
before they write a check.
28
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,549
Okay, now let me tilt my glasses
down and ask the date.
29
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,918
What's the date today?
30
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,353
Dad, why don't your checks
have any writing on them?
31
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,522
Why don't your shelves
have any trophies on 'em?
32
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:34,726
I've obviously
caught you at a bad time.
33
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,862
Lois, why don't my checks
have any writing on them?
34
00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:38,864
Well, Peter...
What?
35
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:42,501
That's just a wide pad
of Post-its I gave you.
36
00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:46,438
What?!
So that million dollar check
37
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,207
you gave me yesterday
is no good?
38
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,275
I quit my job, man!
39
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:53,879
I will not see you Monday!
40
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,047
What the hell, Lois?
41
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:56,448
Why don't I have
a real checkbook?
42
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,117
Peter, where do
checks come from?
43
00:01:58,119 --> 00:02:01,386
Uh... when a mommy and daddy
love each other?
44
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:02,588
That's why.
45
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:05,224
Lois, I want my own checkbook,
and I want it now!
46
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,226
Ooh, I like
when Dad talks tough.
47
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,061
He sounds like
Dirty Harry.
48
00:02:09,063 --> 00:02:10,929
You got to ask yourself
one question.
49
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:12,898
"Do I feel lucky?"
50
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,967
Well, do ya, punk?
51
00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:17,069
Oh, Mr. Harry,
52
00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:19,972
you're really not gonna like
what I have to say.
53
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,078
Hi. What can I
do for you?
54
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,779
Yes, I was wondering,
where is the room
55
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,748
where I can roll around nude
with my money?
56
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:30,916
I'm sorry?
57
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:33,085
No, I'm sorry.
I thought this was a bank.
58
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:34,419
I'll handle this.
59
00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:36,655
My husband wants to
open a checking account.
60
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,091
Okay, well, first,
I'll need to see a photo I.D.
61
00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:40,259
and a birth certificate.
62
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,460
Of course.
63
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,996
I keep all my important
papers in my bosom.
64
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,600
Okay, "Justin...
Peter... Griffin."
65
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,502
It's actually
just Peter Griffin.
66
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:54,339
So, this is not your
birth certificate?
67
00:02:56,443 --> 00:02:57,609
Oh, my God!
68
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,278
Your first name
is Justin?!
69
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,512
It is?!
70
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,114
Wow, I never noticed that!
71
00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:03,815
"Justin Griffin."
72
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,817
Huh, I like
the sound of that.
73
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,152
I'm a Justin!
74
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:09,288
This is awesome!
This changes everything!
75
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:10,789
Peter, it doesn't
change a thing.
76
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,624
You're still
the exact same person.
77
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:15,194
I beg to differ.
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00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:22,968
MAN (on TV):
And now, international news
from Al Jarreau Jazeera.
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00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,304
♪ Car bombing in Syria ♪
80
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,706
♪ Skididdly boom-bop
a dee, yeah ♪
81
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,175
♪ 37 people killed ♪
82
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:33,712
♪ Ooh, the people
are dead. ♪
83
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,380
Hey, Lois, you seen
my hiking boots?
84
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,149
I need 'em later
for park soccer.
85
00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:39,318
Peter, why the hell
do you look like that?
86
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,552
Uh, my name
isn't Peter.
87
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My name is Justin.
88
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:45,824
I'm living a Justin lifestyle,
and so is my family.
89
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,826
You want to go to
a concert? Huh?
90
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,828
Want to go to a
loud concert?
91
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,063
No.
92
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,998
Since I'm your cool
father Justin,
93
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,334
we should bond with
skin-to-skin contact.
94
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:57,002
How about Justin
takes his shirt off,
95
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,905
and we can get some photos
of you on Justin's belly?
96
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,742
Your heartbeat is weird.
97
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,744
It is not
consistent at all.
98
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,080
Okay, let's go for a
ride in my open Jeep.
99
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:11,183
I took the doors off,
so it's extra terrifying.
100
00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:14,186
Geez, this "Justin" phase
of Dad's is kind of weird.
101
00:04:14,188 --> 00:04:17,155
Eh, not as weird as
his karaoke phase.
102
00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,192
Peter, did you throw up
in the sink?
103
00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:22,261
("Baba O'Riley" begins to play)
104
00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:26,265
Peter?
105
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,768
♪ ♪
106
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:44,449
♪ ♪
107
00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:57,296
♪ ♪
108
00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:09,308
(drums kick in)
109
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,492
♪ Out here
in the fields ♪
110
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,795
Yeah, that was me, I was the one
who threw up in the sink.
111
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,998
♪ I farm
for my meals... ♪
112
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,437
Dad, what are you
doing in here?
113
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:39,438
Oh, hey, Chris.
114
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,939
I just figured now
that I'm Justin,
115
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,941
I should start
a "Sweet News" wall
116
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,776
for stuff I think
is totally sweet.
117
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:47,612
Big puffy clouds
are very sweet.
118
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:48,613
Big hamburgers.
119
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:49,948
Small hamburgers, too.
120
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,616
Sliders, I think
they're called.
121
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:52,784
Ranch.
122
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,286
Here's just a
picture of a vest.
123
00:05:54,288 --> 00:05:55,620
Pretty sweet.
124
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:58,790
Palm trees are very sweet,
'cause, like, the beach.
125
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,459
This is my room, Dad.
126
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:03,128
The band Guster is the
sweetest band of all time.
127
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:06,164
It was tough, 'cause I had
to move all my O.A.R. stuff
128
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,833
to fit the Guster stuff.
129
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:09,634
Peter, get out
of Chris's room.
130
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:10,802
Oh, hey, Mama.
131
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,471
Hey, you seen my copy
of Into the Wild?
132
00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:14,806
I like to have it on
my person at all times,
133
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,641
in case I need a
quick "inspo sesh."
134
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:19,311
Oh, did I tell you I'm gonna
be doing a lot of abbreve's?
135
00:06:19,313 --> 00:06:20,645
Peter, you sound
like an idiot.
136
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:23,148
And did you put a skateboard
in the washing machine?
137
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,317
It's gonna cost several
hundred dollars to repair.
138
00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:26,485
How we do, Lois.
139
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:27,652
All we do.
140
00:06:27,654 --> 00:06:29,654
You ever get in the
pocket of a wave?
141
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:30,989
Peter, you know
I haven't.
142
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,824
And I know for a fact
that you haven't, either.
143
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:33,825
In the pocket.
144
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,327
Some gnarlies out there.
145
00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:36,661
Some "gnar-gnars."
146
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:37,996
Was in one today.
147
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,831
It's like the rest of
the world just shuts off,
148
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,334
and all that matters
is you and Lady Blue.
149
00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:44,336
And you know what
she said to me?
150
00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,671
"You're great."
151
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:48,006
Keep it cool, Lois.
152
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,575
K-E-W-L.
153
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,913
(dance music pulses)
154
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,186
So, you want to
go upstairs?
155
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,220
Sure.
156
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,221
Great.
157
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:04,289
Go.
158
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,592
Hey, Justin, I wanted
to introduce you to Keira.
159
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,928
She's the one who brought
four loose Sierra Nevadas.
160
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,096
Keira!
161
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:14,032
You totally rock
for bringing those.
162
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,368
Peter, what the hell
is going on?!
163
00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:18,370
Oh, dude, is that your mom?
164
00:07:18,372 --> 00:07:20,372
No, I'm not his mom,
you little bastard.
165
00:07:20,374 --> 00:07:23,942
That "little bastard" knows how
to smoke pot out of an apple.
166
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,011
All right,
everyone out of here.
167
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,882
I've had enough of
this "Justin" nonsense.
168
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,384
Tomorrow we're
going to city hall
169
00:07:32,386 --> 00:07:34,386
to legally change your
name back to "Peter."
170
00:07:34,388 --> 00:07:36,054
All right, fine.
171
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,057
But I got to say, being Justin
was quite an adventure.
172
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:41,526
Like when I found
where the Wild Things were.
173
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,897
(gun fires)
174
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,232
I owe you, Max.
175
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,633
You led me right to 'em.
176
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:51,703
All right, now help me grind
their horns into boner pills.
177
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:57,909
Keira, that was
an amazing night.
178
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,244
Sorry I can't
drive you to work.
179
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,246
I gotta go sit in my
den until you leave.
180
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,280
Oh, that's okay.
181
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,748
I'll just take
the school bus.
182
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,417
Wait... what?!
183
00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,419
You-you drive
a school bus?
184
00:08:07,421 --> 00:08:09,754
(giggling): No, silly,
I take the bus.
185
00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,089
I'm in high school.
186
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,090
What the hell?!
187
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,258
You said you were 23!
188
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,093
Yeah, and you said
you loved me.
189
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,595
Well, I guess you
got me there.
190
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,163
(knocking on door)
191
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:21,433
Hey, Quagmire,
sorry to bother you,
192
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:23,435
but we're following up
on a tip.
193
00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:25,437
Did you have sex
with this underage girl?
194
00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:28,440
I don't want to go to jail, but
I really want to take credit.
195
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:31,276
Quagmire, I'm afraid you're
under arrest for statutory rape.
196
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:32,511
(sighs)
197
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,346
All right, but let me
just send the pictures
198
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:36,515
I took of her last night
to all my friends.
199
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:38,817
(cell phone buzzes)
200
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:39,818
Oh, yeah!
201
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:40,819
Boom!
202
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:41,820
You're disgusting.
203
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,121
Take him away.
204
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,023
We've got all the awesome
evidence we need.
205
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,598
(doorbell rings)
206
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,969
"Hello, my name is
Glenn Quagmire.
207
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,305
"I am a neighbor of yours
on Spooner Street.
208
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,974
I am here to inform you
that I am a sex offender."
209
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:05,510
It seems as though you could
have had some of that memorized.
210
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:07,512
Glenn, what the
hell's going on?
211
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,180
It turns out
that girl I took home
212
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,049
from Peter's party last night
is in high school.
213
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,551
Oh, my God!
214
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,020
Does this mean you're gonna move
to Europe to make movies?
215
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:17,856
How in the world did you
not know she was underage?
216
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:20,358
Well, in retrospect,
she did ask a lot of questions
217
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,660
about To Kill a Mockingbird.
218
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:22,894
Should have sent
her my way.
219
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,029
I love that book.
220
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:26,498
Oh, Gregory Peck-- whew!
221
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,833
Anyway, now I gotta
go in front of a judge.
222
00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:29,834
Really?
223
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,002
Number one or number two?
224
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,505
Our judicial system
is so broken.
225
00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:35,840
No, Peter-- Glenn
has to go to court.
226
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,175
That's right.
227
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,010
And there's not even a defense
for statutory rape.
228
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,513
Once the girl proves her age,
that's it-- you're guilty.
229
00:09:41,515 --> 00:09:43,181
You know what
I tried today?
230
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,182
A fig.
231
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,517
I have a hearing
tomorrow morning.
232
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,018
I may have
to go to jail.
233
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,688
My only hope for leniency is
to bring in character witnesses
234
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:52,357
and show the court I'm not
the monster they say I am.
235
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:54,693
Well, Peter would be
happy to support you.
236
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,860
Yeah, you betcha,
Quagmire.
237
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:56,861
I'm very persuasive.
238
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:58,196
That's why I was so good
239
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,265
at selling low-cost
car insurance.
240
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,868
(chanting): White-trash rates
from an army guy.
241
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,704
Here is a penguin,
don't know why.
242
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,205
ANNOUNCER:
The General Car Insurance.
243
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,674
It'll worry whoever you hit.
244
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:17,882
I can't believe Quagmire
and that girl had sex.
245
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:20,051
Which is hugging someone
really hard with your legs.
246
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:21,386
Nope.
247
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,221
Well, you'll tell me
if I get it, though, right?
248
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,723
Yeah, I'll tell
you if you get it.
249
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,890
Okay, I'm gonna
get it.
250
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:27,559
Now, Mr. Griffin,
I understand you're here
251
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:29,394
to speak
on Mr. Quagmire's behalf.
252
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:30,729
That's right,
Your Honor.
253
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,731
And as we know, according
to Game of Thrones,
254
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,233
if the girl has had her
blood, she is good to go.
255
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,568
Has the girl had her blood?
256
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:37,736
Answer the question.
257
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,904
Mr. Griffin, she was underage.
258
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:43,475
Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire
was born on February 29th.
259
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,577
Ergo, he's only 12.
260
00:10:45,579 --> 00:10:47,579
Ergo, the girl raped him.
261
00:10:47,581 --> 00:10:49,347
Argo, Ben Affleck.
262
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,153
Mr. Griffin,
do you have any evidence
263
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,956
that is not based
on film or television?
264
00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,758
I don't know.
Why don't you ask
265
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,494
all these letters
to Santa Claus?
266
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,264
Something's going on.
267
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,799
We haven't gotten
mail in a week.
268
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,601
I-- I haven't gotten
mail in a week.
269
00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:11,703
Nobody writes you.
270
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,775
Officer Swanson, I'll remind you
that you are under oath.
271
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:17,976
Now, please tell us
272
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,445
what Mr. Quagmire said
he did with the girl.
273
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,013
(sighs)
He, uh,
274
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,450
said he gave her a Frosty Jim.
275
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,185
And can you please
explain to the courtroom
276
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,954
what a Frosty Jim is.
277
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:31,456
Uh...
278
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,024
Sir, you're under oath.
279
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,126
Well, it's when you
urinate in a condom,
280
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,962
and tie it off, freeze it,
281
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:39,964
and then the woman, um,
282
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:41,466
pretends it's a man.
283
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,702
Thank you.
He's a good guy!
284
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:50,308
Mr. Brown, can you please state
your occupation for the court?
285
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:53,044
Aw, come on, man, you didn't
ask anyone else to do that!
286
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,546
Why am I on trial?!
287
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:57,148
He's the one that mushed
hisself on a child!
288
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,883
When are we gonna see
this chick?
289
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,685
Okay, enough! No more help!
290
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:03,521
I'm taking this Bible.
291
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,657
You want to know what kind
of person Glenn Quagmire is?
292
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,192
You want to know
what made me the person I am?
293
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:09,027
Then put me on the stand.
294
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,496
Lois, can I play
Angry Birds on your phone?
295
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:13,665
Okay, but only
with the sound off.
296
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:15,500
Fine. I'll just do it
with my mouth.
297
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,534
Pa-shooo!
298
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:17,569
(imitates explosion)
299
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,237
(oinking)
300
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,175
Please, go ahead,
Mr. Quagmire.
301
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,845
Look, I know everyone's sitting
out there judging me today.
302
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,847
But before you do, please know
303
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,015
I had it pretty
rough growing up.
304
00:12:31,017 --> 00:12:34,185
My dad was a military man,
so he wasn't around much.
305
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,020
And my mom, well,
let's just say,
306
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:37,689
she was a little promiscuous.
307
00:12:37,691 --> 00:12:41,025
In fact, I think my problems
started the day I was born.
308
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,894
Wah! Wah! Wah!
309
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,597
It's a boy,
Mrs. Quagmire.
310
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:46,865
Oh, that's wonderful!
311
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:47,932
How do you feel?
312
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:50,034
Horny. Really horny.
313
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:53,037
Could you put him back
so I can push him out again?
314
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:55,573
I was born nine times that day.
315
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,242
And things never got easier.
316
00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,377
The only way I learned
my ABC's was by learning
317
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,247
the names of all the guys
my mom slept with.
318
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:04,883
♪ Art, Bob, Chet,
Don, Ed, Frank, Gus ♪
319
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:08,553
♪ Hal, Irv, John, Ken,
Lew-Matt-Ned-Ox-Pat ♪
320
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,890
♪ Quint, Ron, Sam,
Tom, Ulf, Vic ♪
321
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:15,260
♪ Walter, Xavier,
Yaz and Zeke ♪
322
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:18,730
♪ Those are just
some of the guys ♪
323
00:13:18,732 --> 00:13:22,734
♪ There are lots
of other guys. ♪
324
00:13:22,736 --> 00:13:23,935
It was awful.
325
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,737
I didn't even get to go
to my high school prom.
326
00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:27,405
But my mom did.
327
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:28,406
(doorbell rings)
328
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:30,775
Hey, is Crystal ready?
329
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,243
Oh, hi, Ronnie.
330
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,245
Hey, listen, have my mom
home by midnight, okay?
331
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,948
How about I plow her in the limo
and have her home in 20 minutes?
332
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:40,251
Ah, come on, Ronnie,
she bought the dress.
333
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,420
So, you see, Your Honor,
thanks to my mom,
334
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:45,123
I never had a chance to
be like everyone else.
335
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,292
My misguided carnal instincts
are the result
336
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:49,594
of being raised
by a sexual deviant.
337
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,329
All I'm asking is
that you give me
338
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,464
the break that
my childhood never did.
339
00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,004
Dairy Queen closes
in ten minutes.
340
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,609
Mr. Quagmire,
your story is a sad one,
341
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,978
but that doesn't
excuse your actions.
342
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:10,515
I have no choice but to sentence
you to 20 years in prison.
343
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:12,450
(gallery gasps)
344
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,519
WOMAN:
Oh, no, you don't!
345
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,188
Mom?!
346
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,489
MEN:
Crystal?
347
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:21,726
Ha! She's enjoyed many men.
348
00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:30,835
Mom, what are you doing here?
349
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:32,804
Do you know I'm carrying
three handguns,
350
00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:35,306
and the metal detectors
picked up nothing?
351
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,175
Your Honor,
as the defendant's mother,
352
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,978
I ask that you show
mercy on him.
353
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,647
Well, as the victim's mother,
I ask that you go to hell!
354
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:43,815
CHRIS: Where is
your daughter?
355
00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:45,350
Show her to us!
356
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,819
Your Honor,
I have renounced my sinful past,
357
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:49,654
and have been washed
in the blood
358
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,990
of the Lord Jesus Christ.
359
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:52,991
You what?!
360
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,192
I have seen
the righteous path
361
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,660
of our Savior,
and ask that you
362
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,328
not sentence my son to jail,
363
00:14:57,330 --> 00:15:00,031
but instead release him
to my custody so that I,
364
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:03,401
with God's guidance,
can rehabilitate him.
365
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,004
Wow, Quagmire's mom is
a Jesus freak.
366
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,672
I haven't been
this surprised since we went
367
00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:09,674
to that restaurant
on my birthday.
368
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,343
All right, guys, let's pay
the check and get out of here.
369
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,746
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
370
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:16,180
You guys!
371
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,850
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
372
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:22,186
♪ Happy birthday, dear Peter ♪
373
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:25,423
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
374
00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:29,227
Aren't you gonna blow out
your candles, Peter?
375
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,562
Mom, I think something's
wrong with Dad.
376
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,265
Peter? Peter?!
377
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,100
Oh, my God! Help!
378
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,869
Someone call 911!
379
00:15:37,871 --> 00:15:39,037
It's okay, ma'am.
380
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,506
This happens here at
Bennigan's all the time.
381
00:15:44,878 --> 00:15:46,544
How long does this last?
382
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:47,712
Hard to say.
383
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,781
It's best to just move on.
384
00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,058
I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire,
but my sentence stands.
385
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,726
20 years.
386
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,461
Mr. Quagmire,
I'll give you 24 hours
387
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:04,929
to get your affairs in order.
388
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,898
Oh, my God.
389
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,299
Ah, don't think
of it as 20 years.
390
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:09,734
Think of it
as two ten-year-olds,
391
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,636
you sick freak.
392
00:16:14,908 --> 00:16:17,742
God, 20 years.
393
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,577
I know this is
a hard time for you,
394
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,412
but you need
to seek forgiveness.
395
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,414
You need to kneel before Jesus.
396
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,249
Oh, he's gonna be kneeling
in front of a lot of guys,
397
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,918
but I doubt
he'll catch their names.
398
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,320
It's usually somebody pushing
your skull in the dark.
399
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,089
There are really
no introductions.
400
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:34,759
Remember, He is
inside you all the time.
401
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,594
Oh, n-now she's
just setting me up.
402
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:37,762
Right?
403
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,263
How dare you come in here
404
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:40,598
and tell me to seek forgiveness!
405
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,933
Where do you get off?!
406
00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:43,267
Pretty much
everywhere, I hear.
407
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:45,436
Fat man's right--
they're making this easy.
408
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:48,006
You've never apologized once
for the way you raised me!
409
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,108
You're the one who
made me what I am!
410
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,809
Oh, come on, Quagmire,
you're a grown man,
411
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,611
responsible for his own choices.
412
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:56,280
Seems kind of cowardly to blame
someone else for your problems.
413
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:58,616
Brian abandoned
his own son, by the way.
414
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,785
Why are you, of all people,
defending a religious nut?
415
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,286
Aren't you an atheist?
416
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:03,488
Yeah, it's crazy.
417
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,490
You can think about that
while you're in jail.
418
00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:06,958
Glenn, we're not
going to get anywhere
419
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,626
questioning God's wisdom.
420
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,962
He has a plan for everything.
421
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:12,497
Oh, now I get it.
422
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:14,032
That's why you found God.
423
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,467
So you can absolve yourself
of any responsibility
424
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,302
and answer everything
with empty platitudes.
425
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:19,804
Face it, you're a worse parent
426
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,140
than Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie.
427
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,308
I'm concerned about Pax,
Maddox, and Shiloh.
428
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:26,477
They're having
trouble adapting.
429
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,479
They've been raised
with 11 languages,
430
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,314
and really don't speak any.
431
00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:31,816
I hear you, Doctor.
432
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,652
So... you're saying we should
give them all faux-hawks?
433
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,021
No. I think they need
intensive therapy.
434
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,990
Let me see if I understand you.
435
00:17:38,992 --> 00:17:41,325
Even shorter on the sides?
436
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:42,693
Don't you see?
437
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:45,163
This is your chance to open
your heart and let God in.
438
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,331
I know this jail sentence
seems long.
439
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:50,334
But salvation can
last all eternity.
440
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,003
You know what else
lasts an eternity?
441
00:17:52,005 --> 00:17:54,005
This conversation.
442
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:56,407
And maybe through our shared
relationship with the Lord,
443
00:17:56,409 --> 00:18:00,344
we can begin to build
a bond as mother and son.
444
00:18:00,346 --> 00:18:01,512
"Mother and son"?!
445
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,247
Mothers love their children!
446
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,016
They nurture them
and protect them!
447
00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:06,684
You've never done
a thing for me!
448
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,186
I'd rather rot in
jail than sit here
449
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:09,854
and listen to all your crap!
450
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:11,355
(door opens, closes)
451
00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:12,924
(sighs)
Glenn's right.
452
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,392
I was never there for him.
453
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,694
I've got to find
some way to fix this.
454
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,596
Did you hear about
your ex-husband yet?
455
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,766
He had a... uh, procedure.
456
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:31,375
You know, some families take
their baby to the zoo.
457
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,911
That's also a fun activity.
458
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,746
I'm really gonna
miss all you guys.
459
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:38,549
And I'll think of you whenever
I choke on a link sausage.
460
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:39,617
Take care, buddy.
461
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,787
(engine revs, tires screech)
Oh, yeah!
462
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,089
Fresh air! Freedom!
463
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:46,791
Peter, while I'm away,
464
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,894
I want you to hold onto my
antique, gold Rolex watch.
465
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,762
Oh, cool, a throwing watch!
466
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:52,797
No, no, Peter, it--
467
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,232
and I cannot stress
this enough--
468
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,234
it is not a throwing watch.
469
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:58,302
Oh, I hear you, Quagmire.
470
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:02,106
It didn't come back,
like you said it would.
471
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:03,241
(sighs)
472
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,742
And-and, Joe, you
sure you don't mind
473
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,077
taking care of my cat?
474
00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:07,612
Oh, no, all taken care of.
475
00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:09,080
Brought her
to the pound this morning.
476
00:19:09,082 --> 00:19:10,148
She went peacefully.
477
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:11,582
What?! No!
478
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,918
I-I-I meant, take care of
her, like, look after her!
479
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,420
Well, that seems like
a note for this morning.
480
00:19:16,422 --> 00:19:18,923
You know, maybe I won't miss
you people as much as I thought.
481
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,758
Do you have anything
for me, Glenn?
482
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,593
What? No! Wha-what?!
483
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,295
I just found out my cat died!
484
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,931
Hmm. I can't help but think
this selfish attitude
485
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:29,433
is part of what got you here.
486
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:31,135
Good-bye, Glenn. Be strong.
487
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:34,305
We'll keep you in our thoughts.
488
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:36,274
Oh, y-you better get rid of that
489
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:37,942
before you get in there.
490
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:39,177
All right.
491
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,278
Good-bye, everybody.
492
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,113
And-and don't worry about me.
493
00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:43,414
I-I'll see you real soon.
494
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:48,452
Hey, you guys take good care
495
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:50,588
of my child rapist friend!
496
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:53,958
(tires screech)
497
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,626
Mr. Quagmire, wait!
498
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:56,961
Judge?!
499
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,296
What are you doing here?
500
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,031
I wanted to tell you
the good news in person.
501
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,966
Your sentence
has been commuted.
502
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:04,669
You will not be serving
prison time after all.
503
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,137
You got a good body, man.
504
00:20:06,139 --> 00:20:07,805
Why do you hide it
under that robe?
505
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,173
"Commuted"?
506
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,474
I don't understand.
507
00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:12,643
Hello, Glenn.
508
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:13,811
Mom?!
509
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,179
What's going on here?
510
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:17,148
By the way, Your Honor,
your fly is down.
511
00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:20,985
Well, let's just say some
new DNA evidence was produced.
512
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,653
And an impressive amount,
I'd say.
513
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,889
PETER:
Guy takes care of himself.
514
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,324
Anyway, you're free to go.
515
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,492
You... you're kidding!
516
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,328
Mom... di-did you...?
517
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:31,696
Yep. Twice.
518
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,497
But I-I thought you
were Christian now.
519
00:20:33,499 --> 00:20:37,335
Helping my son is the most
Christian thing I could do.
520
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,737
You were right, Glenn.
I was a terrible mother.
521
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,706
I wasn't there for you
when I should've been.
522
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:44,675
But I'd love a second chance.
523
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,677
I'd like that.
524
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:49,413
I'd like that very much.
525
00:20:53,519 --> 00:20:56,354
Aw, Quagmire got away with it,
and learned nothing.
526
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,422
That's great.