1
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[Scuzzy garage rock]

2
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♪

3
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- ♪ that girl thinks she's
the queen of the neighborhood ♪

4
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♪ she got the hottest trike
in town ♪

5
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♪ that girl,
she holds her head up so high ♪

6
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♪ I think I want to be
her best friend now ♪

7
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♪ rebel girl

8
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♪ rebel girl

9
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♪ rebel girl

10
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♪ you are the queen
of my world ♪

11
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♪ rebel girl

12
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♪ rebel girl

13
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♪ I really like you

14
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♪ I really want to be
your best friend ♪

15
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♪ be my rebel girl

16
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male announcer: This is
the comedy central roast

17
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of roseanne,

18
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and now, please welcome
your roastmaster, Jane lynch!

19
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[Cheers and applause]

20
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- Hello!

21
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Hello, thank you.

22
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Thank you.

23
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Whee!

24
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Roseanne!

25
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Thank you.

26
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Good evening, everyone.

27
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I'm Jane lynch.

28
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Welcome to <i>the comedy central</i>
<i>roast of roseanne!</i>

29
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[Cheers and applause]

30
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Huh?

31
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Oh, my goodness,
what a night.

32
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Roseanne, Ellen barkin,
katey sagal, Carrie fisher...

33
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It's like a menopausalpalooza!

34
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[Laughter]

35
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This show is serving up more old
spoiled hens than a chick-fil-a.

36
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[Laughter]

37
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Oh, and that reminds me...

38
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Fuck chik-fil-a.

39
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Okay?

40
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[Laughter]

41
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Thank you.

42
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Tonight we honor
a true show business icon.

43
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She is one of those rare
celebrities so famous

44
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that she's referred
to by just one name...

45
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Bitch.

46
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[Laughter]

47
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Ellen barkin is here.

48
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Huh?

49
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[Cheers and applause]

50
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Ellen, your, uh, your sex scene
in <i>sea of love</i>

51
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is the reason I'm a lesbian.

52
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There's nothing--

53
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there's nothing like seeing
Al Pacino's greasy, bare ass

54
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on the screen to make a girl
wanna eat pussy

55
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like she's about to be executed.

56
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[Cheers and applause]

57
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Right?

58
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Ooh.

59
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Carrie fisher is here!

60
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[Cheers and applause]

61
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Now, Carrie's here
to put roseanne's weight

62
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and drug problems
into perspective.

63
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[Laughter]

64
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Carrie was once one of the
hottest actresses in Hollywood.

65
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But that was a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away.

66
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[Laughter]

67
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And one of the good ones,
Wayne Brady is here.

68
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[Cheers and applause]

69
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Now Wayne, you're gonna hear
a lotta jokes tonight

70
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about how you're not
a real black man,

71
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but I just want you to know
I still hid my purse.

72
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[Laughter]

73
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- Good.

74
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Good.

75
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- But enough about these vile,
degenerate failures.

76
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Roseanne is a fearless performer
who always speaks her mind,

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even though
she is clearly out of it.

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Before we bring her out tonight,

79
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let's take a look back

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at roseanne's many career
highlights,

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so our viewers
under the age of 20

82
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can stop asking
who the fuck she is.

83
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- This is
her very first appearance

84
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on national television.

85
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Roseanne barr.

86
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- A husband thinks that the wife
knows where everything is, huh?

87
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Like they think the uterus
is a tracking device.

88
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[Laughter]

89
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I like that Joan jett.

90
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I can't even remember
the last time we had sex.

91
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Well, I can, and that's why
we ain't doin' it!

92
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When I was 12-years-old,
I signed a deal with Satan,

93
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'cause I wanted to get famous
no matter what.

94
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- ♪ When I grow up

95
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♪ I wanna be famous

96
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♪ I wanna be a star

97
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♪ I wanna be in movies

98
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♪ when I grow up

99
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♪ me on TV

100
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♪ people know me

101
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♪ be on magazines

102
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- are you ever sorry
we got married?

103
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- Every second of my life.

104
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- Why are you so mean?

105
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- 'Cause I hate kids!

106
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- She starred in the
groundbreaking show <i>roseanne</i>

107
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which never shied away
from contentious issues.

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It featured
the first lesbian kiss on TV.

109
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- And then I had this tragic
singing accident at the--

110
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- oh, yes.
I remember that.

111
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Yeah.

112
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- ♪ And the home

113
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♪ of the brave

114
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- disgusting.
- Disgraceful.

115
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- So anti-American.

116
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- Scratching herself
and spitting...

117
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- Roseanne barr, baby!

118
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Thumbs up, okay?

119
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America, lighten up!

120
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- National anthem?

121
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I don't think so.

122
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Do you think I'm pretty?

123
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Don't say that on television!

124
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[Bleep] You!

125
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Are those macadamia nuts?

126
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- These are some of my nuts.

127
00:05:09,499 --> 00:05:10,498
I need to run for president.

128
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I'm not kidding.

129
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This is America,
land of the free.

130
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I have to call my psychiatrist.

131
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That's what makes me, me.

132
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I can't begin to tell you
what a privilege it is

133
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for you to have me here tonight.

134
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Let's start this show.

135
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[Cheers and applause]

136
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- She is a personal inspiration
to me

137
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and an absolute comedic genius.

138
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Please welcome America's
domestic goddess:

139
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Roseanne!

140
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[Cheers and applause]

141
00:06:12,499 --> 00:06:15,498
- Hi, Gilbert.

142
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Hi, Carrie.

143
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- Awesome entrance.

144
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Awesome.

145
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- Don't be a suckface.
- Hi, honey.

146
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Hello, darling!

147
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Mwah!
Mwah!

148
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- Oh, please!

149
00:06:33,499 --> 00:06:36,498
- Hi!

150
00:06:36,499 --> 00:06:39,498
- Roseanne,
it's great to finally meet you.

151
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:40,498
You know,
I waved to you outside,

152
00:06:40,499 --> 00:06:41,498
but then I realized it was just
one of those

153
00:06:41,499 --> 00:06:43,498
inflatable parking lot gorillas.

154
00:06:43,499 --> 00:06:44,498
[Laughter]

155
00:06:44,499 --> 00:06:48,498
Um, what a huge mark you've made
on the entertainment industry.

156
00:06:48,499 --> 00:06:51,498
There's your groundbreaking
show, <i>roseanne,</i>

157
00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:53,498
and then there's--
yes!

158
00:06:53,499 --> 00:06:56,498
[Cheers and applause]

159
00:06:56,499 --> 00:07:02,375
And then, of course,
there's reruns of <i>roseanne!</i>

160
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And having a hit show
finally allowed you

161
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to do what you truly love to do:

162
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Fire people.

163
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Uh, let's not forget
your movie career

164
00:07:09,499 --> 00:07:11,498
like the rest of America.

165
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You co-starred in <i>she devil</i>
with meryl streep.

166
00:07:15,499 --> 00:07:18,498
[Cheers and applause]

167
00:07:18,499 --> 00:07:20,498
That movie
got two and a half stars,

168
00:07:20,499 --> 00:07:23,498
just like this stage.

169
00:07:23,499 --> 00:07:27,498
Uh, if you consider Seth green
a star, which none of us do.

170
00:07:27,499 --> 00:07:29,498
Um, of course,

171
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you've experienced controversy.

172
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Everyone remembers your version
of the <i>star spangled banner.</i>

173
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Now...

174
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Who could have predicted that
your beautiful speaking voice

175
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:39,498
wouldn't translate to singing?

176
00:07:39,499 --> 00:07:41,498
[Laughter]

177
00:07:41,499 --> 00:07:42,498
Now, in your defense,

178
00:07:42,499 --> 00:07:44,498
you said there was
something wrong

179
00:07:44,499 --> 00:07:45,498
with the sound system that day,

180
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:46,498
and there was.

181
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:47,498
Uh, it had been turned on.

182
00:07:47,499 --> 00:07:49,498
[Laughter]

183
00:07:49,499 --> 00:07:52,498
Then you moved on
to spiritual pursuits.

184
00:07:52,499 --> 00:07:54,498
Roseanne, you're a Jew
that converted to mormon

185
00:07:54,499 --> 00:07:56,498
who converted to kabbalah.

186
00:07:56,499 --> 00:08:00,498
And in 1990, of course,
you converted to white trash...

187
00:08:00,499 --> 00:08:02,498
When you married tom Arnold.

188
00:08:02,499 --> 00:08:04,498
[Laughter]

189
00:08:04,499 --> 00:08:05,498
Now, roseanne...

190
00:08:05,499 --> 00:08:07,498
It's not your fault
you were attracted to tom.

191
00:08:07,499 --> 00:08:09,498
You thought with all that
white powder on his upper lip,

192
00:08:09,499 --> 00:08:10,498
there must be a donut somewhere.

193
00:08:10,499 --> 00:08:13,498
[Laughter]

194
00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:17,498
[Cheers and applause]

195
00:08:17,499 --> 00:08:20,498
Uh, roseanne said
she had plastic surgery

196
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to get away from tom Arnold,

197
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much like a non-crazy person
would use a car.

198
00:08:24,499 --> 00:08:27,498
[Laughter]

199
00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:29,498
By the way, tom Arnold wanted
to be here tonight,

200
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but at the last minute
no one asked him.

201
00:08:31,499 --> 00:08:35,498
[Laughter]

202
00:08:35,499 --> 00:08:37,498
I really don't know a lot about
roseanne's current boyfriend.

203
00:08:37,499 --> 00:08:39,498
Well, I do know one thing.

204
00:08:39,499 --> 00:08:40,498
Uh, he's into fat chicks.

205
00:08:40,499 --> 00:08:44,498
[Laughter]

206
00:08:44,499 --> 00:08:45,498
Roseanne, you've--
you've admitted

207
00:08:45,499 --> 00:08:47,498
to having multiple
personalities.

208
00:08:47,499 --> 00:08:52,498
And it's amazing you couldn't
find just one that was likeable.

209
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:55,498
And it's true that roseanne goes
off the grid from time to time.

210
00:08:55,499 --> 00:08:58,498
This allows the grid to maintain
its structural integrity.

211
00:08:58,499 --> 00:09:00,498
[Laughter]

212
00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:04,498
But this year, she's announced
her campaign for presidency.

213
00:09:04,499 --> 00:09:08,498
[Cheers and applause]

214
00:09:08,499 --> 00:09:11,208
Mitt romney actually sent
roseanne flowers

215
00:09:11,209 --> 00:09:14,498
for making him the second
most hated mormon in the race.

216
00:09:14,499 --> 00:09:16,498
[Laughter]

217
00:09:16,499 --> 00:09:19,498
Like Joan of arc,
you're a strong, powerful woman

218
00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:21,498
who has a lot to say,
fears nothing,

219
00:09:21,499 --> 00:09:23,498
and whose ass
is about to go up in flames.

220
00:09:23,499 --> 00:09:25,498
Let's bring out your first
roaster!

221
00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:28,499
[Cheers and applause]

222
00:09:31,499 --> 00:09:34,498
Our first roaster
is Amy schumer.

223
00:09:34,499 --> 00:09:38,498
[Cheers and applause]

224
00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:40,498
- Now, Amy
didn't have to blow someone

225
00:09:40,499 --> 00:09:43,498
to be on the stage tonight,
but she insisted on it.

226
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,498
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get her out of the way:

227
00:09:45,499 --> 00:09:47,498
Amy schumer.

228
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,499
[Cheers and applause]

229
00:09:53,499 --> 00:09:55,498
- Aw, eat a dick Jane.

230
00:09:55,499 --> 00:09:58,498
[Laughter]

231
00:09:58,499 --> 00:09:59,498
Try it.

232
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:02,499
[Laughter]

233
00:10:04,499 --> 00:10:06,498
Look at this dais:

234
00:10:06,499 --> 00:10:09,498
Roseanne, Ellen, Jane,
Carrie, Kate.

235
00:10:09,499 --> 00:10:12,498
You ladies are like the women's
olympic gymnastics team:

236
00:10:12,499 --> 00:10:15,498
Tired, overheated and you don't
get your periods anymore.

237
00:10:15,499 --> 00:10:18,498
[Laughter]

238
00:10:18,499 --> 00:10:20,291
I haven't seen
this much loose skin

239
00:10:20,292 --> 00:10:21,498
since Jane lynch's circumcision.

240
00:10:21,499 --> 00:10:24,499
[Laughter]

241
00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:28,498
I don't wanna mess
with you, Jane.

242
00:10:28,499 --> 00:10:31,498
I know your fans
will eat my pussy alive.

243
00:10:31,499 --> 00:10:36,498
[Laughter]

244
00:10:36,499 --> 00:10:37,498
I'm sorry.

245
00:10:37,499 --> 00:10:39,498
I cannot stop looking
at Ellen barkin.

246
00:10:39,499 --> 00:10:40,498
You are so sexy.

247
00:10:40,499 --> 00:10:41,498
[Cheers and applause]

248
00:10:41,499 --> 00:10:43,498
Yeah, Jane,

249
00:10:43,499 --> 00:10:45,498
is it weird to see what
you would look like as a woman?

250
00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:47,498
[Laughter]

251
00:10:47,499 --> 00:10:48,498
That's weird.

252
00:10:48,499 --> 00:10:50,498
I think it's weird.

253
00:10:50,499 --> 00:10:52,498
Wayne Brady's here.

254
00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:54,498
[Cheers and applause]

255
00:10:54,499 --> 00:10:55,498
Wayne...

256
00:10:55,499 --> 00:10:57,498
You are crazy talented.

257
00:10:57,499 --> 00:10:58,498
You're so brilliant.

258
00:10:58,499 --> 00:11:00,499
Why doesn't anyone care?

259
00:11:03,499 --> 00:11:05,498
No one up here
can do what you do.

260
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:06,498
In fact, when someone
even mentions

261
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,498
<i>whose line is it anyway?,</i>

262
00:11:07,499 --> 00:11:10,498
Carrie fisher yells out, "mine!"

263
00:11:10,499 --> 00:11:14,498
[Laughter]

264
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,498
'Cause you're a drug addict,
right.

265
00:11:16,499 --> 00:11:20,498
Um...

266
00:11:20,499 --> 00:11:21,498
No, but Carrie,
you've cut more lines

267
00:11:21,499 --> 00:11:22,498
than a crippled kid
at Disneyland.

268
00:11:22,499 --> 00:11:25,499
[Groaning laughter]

269
00:11:29,499 --> 00:11:31,498
Ellen barkin is here.

270
00:11:31,499 --> 00:11:32,498
Ellen caught a lot of flack
this year

271
00:11:32,499 --> 00:11:34,498
for dating a man half her age.

272
00:11:34,499 --> 00:11:36,498
So what, you're dating
a 43-year-old!

273
00:11:36,499 --> 00:11:39,499
[Laughter]

274
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:43,498
I don't see the problem.

275
00:11:43,499 --> 00:11:44,498
- Good joke.

276
00:11:44,499 --> 00:11:46,498
- Ellen has married some
of the richest men in the world.

277
00:11:46,499 --> 00:11:48,498
Now, I'm not sayin'
she's a gold digger,

278
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,498
but she ain't messing
with no broke Wayne Bradys.

279
00:11:50,499 --> 00:11:51,958
You know what I'm sayin'?

280
00:11:51,959 --> 00:11:55,498
[Laughter]

281
00:11:55,499 --> 00:11:57,498
Ellen's been quoted as saying

282
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,498
she's slept her way
to the middle.

283
00:11:59,499 --> 00:12:00,498
Wow, you've really inspired
young women

284
00:12:00,499 --> 00:12:02,498
to put their best clit forward.

285
00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:03,498
[Laughter]

286
00:12:03,499 --> 00:12:05,498
Oh, I'm sorry.

287
00:12:05,499 --> 00:12:08,498
Seth, a clit is this small...

288
00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:09,498
You won't need
to worry about it.

289
00:12:09,499 --> 00:12:12,498
Yeah, just take it down.

290
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,498
Seth is here representing
the lollipop guild.

291
00:12:14,499 --> 00:12:15,498
Thank you.

292
00:12:15,499 --> 00:12:19,498
[Cheers and applause]

293
00:12:19,499 --> 00:12:20,498
For over 30 years,

294
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:23,498
Seth green has been one
of Hollywood's top child actors.

295
00:12:23,499 --> 00:12:26,498
[Laughter]

296
00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:28,498
Speaking of children...

297
00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:31,498
Gilbert, God, you look like
a tiny Asian kid.

298
00:12:31,499 --> 00:12:33,498
Hang around long enough

299
00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:35,498
and Jane and her wife
will try and adopt you.

300
00:12:35,499 --> 00:12:38,499
[Laughter]

301
00:12:40,499 --> 00:12:42,498
Jeff Ross is still gross.

302
00:12:42,499 --> 00:12:45,498
Jeff Ross...

303
00:12:45,499 --> 00:12:52,498
Jeff, you look like krusty the
clown dressed as Joe paterno.

304
00:12:52,499 --> 00:12:54,498
Think it'll help for all
your work at children's parties.

305
00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:55,498
[Whistle tweeting]

306
00:12:55,499 --> 00:13:00,498
Is that a rape whistle?

307
00:13:00,499 --> 00:13:02,498
Jeff, you look worse

308
00:13:02,499 --> 00:13:03,498
than when I started
this sentence.

309
00:13:03,499 --> 00:13:05,498
How did you do that?

310
00:13:05,499 --> 00:13:08,499
[Laughter]

311
00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:11,498
Which brings me
to Michael Moore--

312
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,498
I mean roseanne barr.

313
00:13:13,499 --> 00:13:16,499
[Laughter]

314
00:13:17,499 --> 00:13:18,498
I'm such a fan.

315
00:13:18,499 --> 00:13:19,498
Roseanne bought a nut farm--

316
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,498
a nut farm--

317
00:13:21,499 --> 00:13:23,498
which is also the nickname
for Ellen barkin's mouth

318
00:13:23,499 --> 00:13:24,498
in an audition.

319
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:26,499
[Laughter]

320
00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:30,498
- Amy, what did
I ever do to you?

321
00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:32,498
- You just swallowed
a ton of ejaculate.

322
00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:34,498
That's all that joke is saying.

323
00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:37,498
[Laughter]

324
00:13:37,499 --> 00:13:39,498
Roseanne,
you have the voice of a parakeet

325
00:13:39,499 --> 00:13:44,498
and the face of
a much fatter parakeet.

326
00:13:44,499 --> 00:13:45,498
You know you're unattractive

327
00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:47,498
when Sara Gilbert
is the eye candy on set.

328
00:13:47,499 --> 00:13:50,498
[Laughter]

329
00:13:50,499 --> 00:13:54,498
Honestly, you look
so beautiful now, it's--

330
00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:56,498
it was hard to write jokes
about you.

331
00:13:56,499 --> 00:13:57,666
It just--it's too bad
you didn't look like this

332
00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:58,708
when it mattered!

333
00:13:58,709 --> 00:14:00,498
- [Laughs]

334
00:14:00,499 --> 00:14:03,498
[Laughter]

335
00:14:03,499 --> 00:14:04,498
- You look gorgeous.

336
00:14:04,499 --> 00:14:06,498
I was surprised
you were running for president.

337
00:14:06,499 --> 00:14:08,498
I think a lot of people
just couldn't picture you,

338
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:09,498
like, running.

339
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:12,498
Uh...

340
00:14:12,499 --> 00:14:14,498
But truthfully,
you've been making people laugh

341
00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:16,498
and feel better for as long
as I can remember.

342
00:14:16,499 --> 00:14:17,498
And you're one
of my personal heroes.

343
00:14:17,499 --> 00:14:18,498
I'm honored to be here.

344
00:14:18,499 --> 00:14:19,498
Thank you so much.

345
00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:21,498
- Well, thank you so much.

346
00:14:21,499 --> 00:14:23,498
Thank you.
So funny.

347
00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:26,499
[Cheers and applause]

348
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:37,733
Seth is the man he is today

349
00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:41,068
because his mom smoked
during pregnancy.

350
00:14:41,069 --> 00:14:43,733
Please welcome the only person
here tonight

351
00:14:43,734 --> 00:14:45,733
that wants another
Austin powers movie:

352
00:14:45,734 --> 00:14:46,733
Seth green!

353
00:14:46,734 --> 00:14:49,734
[Cheers and applause]

354
00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:53,733
- Wow, Jane lynch!

355
00:14:53,734 --> 00:14:55,733
Seriously, you are one
of my favorite comic actors.

356
00:14:55,734 --> 00:14:57,733
I don't care what anybody says.

357
00:14:57,734 --> 00:14:59,733
Jane lynch is the funniest man
in America.

358
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:03,733
So I'm ready for all of you
to come up here tonight

359
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:06,733
and do your stupid jokes
about my height.

360
00:15:06,734 --> 00:15:07,817
I even spent five minutes
writing a rebuttal.

361
00:15:07,818 --> 00:15:09,733
I would have spent more time,

362
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:11,733
but unlike the rest of you,
I have a job.

363
00:15:11,734 --> 00:15:14,068
[Laughter]

364
00:15:14,069 --> 00:15:15,733
Granted,
it's on cartoon network,

365
00:15:15,734 --> 00:15:16,733
but still, I don't have to sleep
in my car

366
00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:18,733
and wait a year
for the next roast.

367
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:21,733
[Laughter]

368
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,733
Carrie fisher is here.

369
00:15:22,734 --> 00:15:25,733
[Cheers and applause]

370
00:15:25,734 --> 00:15:28,733
Carrie and I go way back to
the first <i>Austin powers</i> movie

371
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:30,733
where she played a therapist.

372
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:33,733
There's no irony there.

373
00:15:33,734 --> 00:15:36,733
Carrie used to be paid a lot
to take work as a screenwriter,

374
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:37,733
and now the only scripts
she takes

375
00:15:37,734 --> 00:15:40,734
are from her friends'
medicine cabinets.

376
00:15:44,734 --> 00:15:46,733
But I'm really glad you're here.

377
00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:48,733
It is a nerd's dream
to be on the same show

378
00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:50,733
with Carrie fisher
and Amy schumer...

379
00:15:50,734 --> 00:15:53,733
Princess Leia
and princess blow ya.

380
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:55,733
[Laughter]

381
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:56,733
That's true.

382
00:15:56,734 --> 00:15:58,733
Amy, at least you've got a part
in the new Steve carell movie:

383
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,733
<i>Seeking a friend</i>
<i>for the end of the world.</i>

384
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:01,733
Congratulations.

385
00:16:01,734 --> 00:16:03,733
It's a great change of pace
from your usual:

386
00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:05,733
Seeking a dick
for the end of the night.

387
00:16:05,734 --> 00:16:07,733
[Laughter]

388
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:08,733
- I mean, yeah.

389
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,733
I can't believe Ellen barkin
is here tonight.

390
00:16:10,734 --> 00:16:13,733
[Cheers and applause]

391
00:16:13,734 --> 00:16:15,733
I got so excited
when she looked at me backstage

392
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:17,733
with that sexy, crooked smile.

393
00:16:17,734 --> 00:16:20,733
But actually wasn't sure if
she was saying, "I'm into you,"

394
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:21,733
or, "help, I'm having a stroke!"

395
00:16:21,734 --> 00:16:24,734
[Laughter]

396
00:16:26,734 --> 00:16:27,733
Jeff Ross is an old friend.

397
00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:29,733
He's got a new show
on comedy central

398
00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:31,733
where he roasts the news.

399
00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:33,733
It'll be perfect for people
who find jon Stewart

400
00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:35,733
too handsome and funny.

401
00:16:35,734 --> 00:16:39,733
[Laughter]

402
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:41,733
I'm looking forward to it.

403
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,733
Wayne Brady is an old friend
of mine too.

404
00:16:43,734 --> 00:16:45,733
People have said on
<i>whose line is it anyway?</i>

405
00:16:45,734 --> 00:16:46,733
Wayne Brady
wasn't black enough,

406
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:48,733
and so to show people
that he's a real player,

407
00:16:48,734 --> 00:16:51,733
he got a job
as a game show host.

408
00:16:51,734 --> 00:16:54,733
[Laughter]

409
00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:57,733
That's gonna--
that's gonna show 'em.

410
00:16:57,734 --> 00:16:58,733
Gilbert gottfried.

411
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:00,733
I don't know
why you squint a lot.

412
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:01,733
We're the ones
who have to look at you.

413
00:17:01,734 --> 00:17:03,733
[Laughter]

414
00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:07,733
[Cheers and applause]

415
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:08,733
Katey sagal, I've known you

416
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,733
since you did
<i>married with children</i>

417
00:17:10,734 --> 00:17:11,733
when I was doing
<i>the facts of life</i>

418
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:12,733
on the gower stages.

419
00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:13,733
[Chuckles]

420
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:15,733
And now you're a star
on the <i>sons of anarchy,</i>

421
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:16,733
a show that your husband wrote.

422
00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:19,733
You are literally the only
actress in Hollywood

423
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,733
who got cast on a show
by fucking a writer.

424
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:24,733
[Laughter]

425
00:17:24,734 --> 00:17:26,733
But I'm here tonight
because of roseanne,

426
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:27,733
our guest of honor.

427
00:17:27,734 --> 00:17:31,733
[Cheers and applause]

428
00:17:31,734 --> 00:17:32,733
Roseanne, you need another show.

429
00:17:32,734 --> 00:17:34,733
You do.

430
00:17:34,734 --> 00:17:35,733
You're spending way too much
time on Twitter.

431
00:17:35,734 --> 00:17:37,733
It is...

432
00:17:37,734 --> 00:17:38,733
It's--
it's downright annoying.

433
00:17:38,734 --> 00:17:39,733
Yeah.

434
00:17:39,734 --> 00:17:40,733
I tweet a lot,

435
00:17:40,734 --> 00:17:41,733
but you tweet more than big bird

436
00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:44,733
when he's getting ass-raped.

437
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:46,733
It's intense.

438
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:47,733
And the last time
I saw roseanne,

439
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,733
she was in
a snickers commercial.

440
00:17:50,734 --> 00:17:52,733
Because that's what America
is thinking.

441
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,733
"I wanna eat what she's eating!"

442
00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:58,733
[Laughter]

443
00:17:58,734 --> 00:17:59,733
And most of all, roseanne,

444
00:17:59,734 --> 00:18:01,733
I loved seeing princess Leia
strangle you with a chain

445
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:02,733
at the end of
"return of the jedi."

446
00:18:02,734 --> 00:18:06,733
[Laughter]

447
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:07,733
But you've always been
an inspiration,

448
00:18:07,734 --> 00:18:09,733
and you've never hid anything
about yourself,

449
00:18:09,734 --> 00:18:10,733
and I love you for that.

450
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:12,733
- Oh, thank you.

451
00:18:12,734 --> 00:18:21,733
[Cheers and applause]

452
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,733
- Our next roaster
is katey sagal.

453
00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:26,733
[Cheers and applause]

454
00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:30,733
You may remember her for her
sitcom, <i>married with children.</i>

455
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:33,733
She is currently starring
in <i>sons of anarchy</i>

456
00:18:33,734 --> 00:18:36,733
as a vicious, vicious criminal.

457
00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:39,733
And she's here tonight
to finally kill her career.

458
00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:41,733
Please welcome, katey sagal!

459
00:18:41,734 --> 00:18:44,734
[Cheers and applause]

460
00:18:47,734 --> 00:18:50,733
- Oh...

461
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:51,733
Thank you, Jane.

462
00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:53,733
I have been a fan of your work

463
00:18:53,734 --> 00:18:55,733
since you were cutting down
the redwoods

464
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:56,733
with your big blue ox.

465
00:18:56,734 --> 00:18:58,733
[Laughter]

466
00:18:58,734 --> 00:19:01,733
Uh, I'm not sure
if you know this,

467
00:19:01,734 --> 00:19:04,733
but Jane came out to her parents
in a letter.

468
00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:06,733
There hasn't been a letter
that unnecessary

469
00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:08,733
since the "p" in pneumonia.

470
00:19:08,734 --> 00:19:11,733
[Laughter]

471
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,733
Ellen barkin is here.

472
00:19:13,734 --> 00:19:15,733
Ellen, you are a survivor.

473
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:16,733
When your second marriage
fell apart,

474
00:19:16,734 --> 00:19:19,733
you didn't sit around feeling
sorry for yourself.

475
00:19:19,734 --> 00:19:22,733
You took your
$40 million settlement and pa--

476
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:23,733
- $20!

477
00:19:23,734 --> 00:19:26,733
- Your $20 million settlement--
whatever!

478
00:19:26,734 --> 00:19:28,733
- Don't exaggerate!

479
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,733
My kids think
they're richer than we are.

480
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,733
- You took all that money,

481
00:19:32,734 --> 00:19:34,733
and you paid someone else
to sit around

482
00:19:34,734 --> 00:19:38,733
and feel sorry for you.

483
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,733
And Amy schumer...

484
00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:42,733
You know, this business
can really be tough on women.

485
00:19:42,734 --> 00:19:45,733
Many of them develop
eating disorders

486
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:46,733
in an effort to be thin.

487
00:19:46,734 --> 00:19:48,733
It's just a suggestion.

488
00:19:48,734 --> 00:19:51,734
[Laughter]

489
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,733
Speaking of things
that are thin,

490
00:19:56,734 --> 00:19:59,733
it's so good to see Seth green.

491
00:19:59,734 --> 00:20:02,733
Seth, you being here
marks the first time

492
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:05,733
someone your size
has been on comedy central

493
00:20:05,734 --> 00:20:08,733
without Jeff Dunham's
hand up their ass.

494
00:20:08,734 --> 00:20:11,733
[Laughter]

495
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:13,733
- Trailblazer. That's me.

496
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:16,733
- It's also really good
to see Wayne Brady.

497
00:20:16,734 --> 00:20:19,733
Wayne is where kind of talented,
kind of funny,

498
00:20:19,734 --> 00:20:20,733
kind of black meet.

499
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:24,733
[Laughter]

500
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:27,733
And then there's Jane lynch.

501
00:20:27,734 --> 00:20:29,733
Jane, you were named one

502
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:33,733
of power up's ten amazing gay
women in show biz.

503
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:34,733
[Cheers and applause]

504
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:38,733
Quite an honor, even if
there are only seven of you.

505
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:41,733
[Laughter]

506
00:20:41,734 --> 00:20:43,733
Jeff Ross was also on the list

507
00:20:43,734 --> 00:20:47,733
after they confused him
for being a lesbian...

508
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:49,733
And also for being in show biz.

509
00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:52,733
[Laughter]

510
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:53,733
And I gotta say

511
00:20:53,734 --> 00:20:56,733
it's great to see roseanne
back in the spotlight.

512
00:20:56,734 --> 00:20:57,733
- Thank you.

513
00:20:57,734 --> 00:20:59,733
[Cheers and applause]

514
00:20:59,734 --> 00:21:00,733
Thank you, katey.

515
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:03,733
- I mean, you know,
technically it's two spotlights,

516
00:21:03,734 --> 00:21:06,733
but you get the idea.

517
00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:09,733
Roseanne was
a trailblazing comedy icon

518
00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:11,733
who created the character

519
00:21:11,734 --> 00:21:13,733
of an irreverent,
smart-talking mom

520
00:21:13,734 --> 00:21:16,733
that no one had ever seen
since I did it

521
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,733
on <i>married with children</i>
the year before.

522
00:21:18,734 --> 00:21:20,733
[Cheers and applause]

523
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:22,733
- That's right!

524
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:26,733
- Go fox!

525
00:21:26,734 --> 00:21:28,733
- Roseanne broke
into the reality world

526
00:21:28,734 --> 00:21:30,733
with <i>roseanne's nuts,</i>

527
00:21:30,734 --> 00:21:33,733
a show about her
and boyfriend Johnny argent

528
00:21:33,734 --> 00:21:36,733
running a macadamia farm.

529
00:21:36,734 --> 00:21:38,733
Finally, a show that combined
America's love

530
00:21:38,734 --> 00:21:43,733
for macadamia nuts with
their passion for Johnny argent.

531
00:21:43,734 --> 00:21:46,734
[Laughter]

532
00:21:48,734 --> 00:21:51,733
Roseanne, I feel honored
that you and I broke new ground

533
00:21:51,734 --> 00:21:54,733
as TV moms who didn't cook,
didn't clean,

534
00:21:54,734 --> 00:21:57,733
and didn't make any money.

535
00:21:57,734 --> 00:21:59,733
In the '90s,
that made you a bad mom,

536
00:21:59,734 --> 00:22:02,733
but today
it makes you mitt romney's wife.

537
00:22:02,734 --> 00:22:05,734
[Cheers and applause]

538
00:22:07,734 --> 00:22:09,733
As an advocate for justice,

539
00:22:09,734 --> 00:22:11,733
you are willing
to speak for the voiceless many

540
00:22:11,734 --> 00:22:13,733
as well as the many voices.

541
00:22:13,734 --> 00:22:15,733
All of whom are in your head,

542
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:18,733
telling you to eat it, fuck it,

543
00:22:18,734 --> 00:22:20,733
fire it, or run for president.

544
00:22:20,734 --> 00:22:23,733
Roseanne, thank you so much

545
00:22:23,734 --> 00:22:24,733
for asking me
to be a part of this.

546
00:22:24,734 --> 00:22:26,733
- Thank you, katey.

547
00:22:26,734 --> 00:22:27,733
Thank you, honey.

548
00:22:27,734 --> 00:22:31,733
So funny.

549
00:22:31,734 --> 00:22:34,733
- Nice!

550
00:22:34,734 --> 00:22:36,734
- Katey!

551
00:22:40,390 --> 00:22:43,389
- Our next roaster is Jeff Ross.

552
00:22:43,390 --> 00:22:46,682
[Cheers and applause]

553
00:22:46,683 --> 00:22:48,389
Jeff just finished
a national tour

554
00:22:48,390 --> 00:22:51,389
which makes him the only man
who has jerked off

555
00:22:51,390 --> 00:22:54,389
in more theaters
than Fred Willard.

556
00:22:54,390 --> 00:22:56,389
Please welcome
the roastmaster general,

557
00:22:56,390 --> 00:22:58,389
Jeff Ross!

558
00:22:58,390 --> 00:23:01,390
[Cheers and applause]

559
00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:04,389
- Whoo!

560
00:23:04,390 --> 00:23:05,389
Yeah!

561
00:23:05,390 --> 00:23:07,389
Fantastic!

562
00:23:07,390 --> 00:23:08,389
Give it up for your, uh,
host tonight,

563
00:23:08,390 --> 00:23:09,389
denis leary!

564
00:23:09,390 --> 00:23:13,389
[Laughter]

565
00:23:13,390 --> 00:23:15,389
I see Chris is here from <i>glee.</i>

566
00:23:15,390 --> 00:23:16,389
This, uh, this is so cool.

567
00:23:16,390 --> 00:23:18,389
I love <i>glee.</i>

568
00:23:18,390 --> 00:23:20,389
- Jane, it's my favorite show.
It really is.

569
00:23:20,390 --> 00:23:23,389
Except for the one time
they let you sing.

570
00:23:23,390 --> 00:23:25,389
I haven't heard sounds
that disturbing

571
00:23:25,390 --> 00:23:28,016
since I hung out
in sandusky's basement.

572
00:23:28,017 --> 00:23:31,389
[Groaning]

573
00:23:31,390 --> 00:23:37,389
What, too soon
for the <i>glee</i> jokes?

574
00:23:37,390 --> 00:23:39,389
Folks, if you're offended
by what you see tonight,

575
00:23:39,390 --> 00:23:42,389
just do what Joe paterno did.

576
00:23:42,390 --> 00:23:46,389
Look the other way.

577
00:23:46,390 --> 00:23:48,389
Again, Jane,
thank you for hosting.

578
00:23:48,390 --> 00:23:50,389
You are probably
the most beloved person

579
00:23:50,390 --> 00:23:51,389
in comedy right now.

580
00:23:51,390 --> 00:23:54,389
I mean, before the show,
I even heard the crowd chanting:

581
00:23:54,390 --> 00:23:56,389
"Lynch! Lynch! Lynch!"

582
00:23:56,390 --> 00:23:59,389
And that was just during
Wayne Brady's introduction.

583
00:23:59,390 --> 00:24:03,389
[Laughter]

584
00:24:03,390 --> 00:24:05,389
- Wow.

585
00:24:05,390 --> 00:24:07,389
- Wait, is that Wayne Brady,

586
00:24:07,390 --> 00:24:11,389
or did Al jolson forget
to take off his makeup?

587
00:24:11,390 --> 00:24:13,389
Mammy!

588
00:24:13,390 --> 00:24:14,389
How did you make a career

589
00:24:14,390 --> 00:24:16,389
out of corporate
team building exercises?

590
00:24:16,390 --> 00:24:19,390
[Laughter]

591
00:24:21,390 --> 00:24:23,389
If you're just turning in,

592
00:24:23,390 --> 00:24:25,389
no, this is not
a lifetime original movie.

593
00:24:25,390 --> 00:24:27,389
[Laughter]

594
00:24:27,390 --> 00:24:29,389
- Yay!

595
00:24:29,390 --> 00:24:32,389
- Thank you.

596
00:24:32,390 --> 00:24:34,389
- Ellen barkin, you've always
been ahead of your time:

597
00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:38,389
You were voted hottest woman
over 50 at age 36.

598
00:24:38,390 --> 00:24:41,389
[Laughter]

599
00:24:41,390 --> 00:24:43,389
Carrie fisher,
make yourself comfortable:

600
00:24:43,390 --> 00:24:47,389
Chain yourself
to roseanne's chair.

601
00:24:47,390 --> 00:24:48,389
- What does that mean?

602
00:24:48,390 --> 00:24:49,389
I don't even get that.

603
00:24:49,390 --> 00:24:52,389
- It's a fuckin'
<i>star wars</i> joke.

604
00:24:52,390 --> 00:24:54,389
- Oh!

605
00:24:54,390 --> 00:24:55,389
I don't even get it.

606
00:24:55,390 --> 00:24:56,389
You should know.

607
00:24:56,390 --> 00:24:58,389
You're dressed
like Yoda's grandma.

608
00:24:58,390 --> 00:25:01,390
[Laughter]

609
00:25:05,390 --> 00:25:06,389
I'm telling you,

610
00:25:06,390 --> 00:25:08,389
this roast doesn't take
commercial breaks,

611
00:25:08,390 --> 00:25:12,389
it takes a menopause.

612
00:25:12,390 --> 00:25:13,389
And Anthony,

613
00:25:13,390 --> 00:25:16,389
I'm hearing you're very excited
about your new pilot:

614
00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:18,389
John Travolta.

615
00:25:18,390 --> 00:25:23,389
[Laughter]

616
00:25:23,390 --> 00:25:26,389
I see the world's ugliest
motherfucker, Gilbert gottfried,

617
00:25:26,390 --> 00:25:29,389
is here tonight.

618
00:25:29,390 --> 00:25:31,389
You look like Benjamin button
when he was six.

619
00:25:31,390 --> 00:25:34,390
[Laughter]

620
00:25:37,390 --> 00:25:41,389
Gilbert's kept a low profile
since he was fired from aflac

621
00:25:41,390 --> 00:25:44,389
just for writing
an insensitive tweet.

622
00:25:44,390 --> 00:25:46,389
Gilbert, if you want to tweet
about a disaster tonight,

623
00:25:46,390 --> 00:25:49,390
tweet about Ellen barkin's
makeup.

624
00:25:51,390 --> 00:25:54,389
Too soon.
Too soon.

625
00:25:54,390 --> 00:25:56,389
- No, too good.

626
00:25:56,390 --> 00:25:57,389
- You do, you look beautiful.

627
00:25:57,390 --> 00:26:01,389
[Cheers and applause]

628
00:26:01,390 --> 00:26:03,389
I gotta hand it to you.

629
00:26:03,390 --> 00:26:04,389
You've been tortured
and abused all night,

630
00:26:04,390 --> 00:26:06,389
and you're still hanging
in there.

631
00:26:06,390 --> 00:26:07,389
- Who me?

632
00:26:07,390 --> 00:26:08,389
- Roseanne,
I'm not talking to you.

633
00:26:08,390 --> 00:26:10,389
I'm talking to the chair
you're sitting on.

634
00:26:10,390 --> 00:26:13,390
[Laughter]

635
00:26:16,390 --> 00:26:17,389
Oh, wait.
You know what?

636
00:26:17,390 --> 00:26:20,389
Normally when I roast a pig,
it has an apple in its mouth.

637
00:26:20,390 --> 00:26:23,389
[Audience gasps]

638
00:26:23,390 --> 00:26:26,390
[Cheers and applause]

639
00:26:29,390 --> 00:26:30,389
After our last roast I said,

640
00:26:30,390 --> 00:26:32,389
"we need someone even bigger
than Charlie sheen,"

641
00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:37,389
but this isn't what I meant.

642
00:26:37,390 --> 00:26:38,389
Last year we roasted Charlie,

643
00:26:38,390 --> 00:26:40,389
this year we're roasting
the chocolate factory.

644
00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:42,389
- The what?

645
00:26:42,390 --> 00:26:44,389
What's that joke?

646
00:26:44,390 --> 00:26:45,389
- You want me to explain
the fuckin' jokes to you?

647
00:26:45,390 --> 00:26:48,389
- I didn't hear it.
What was it?

648
00:26:48,390 --> 00:26:49,389
- It means you're fat.

649
00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:50,389
- Oh.
Okay.

650
00:26:50,390 --> 00:26:53,389
[Laughter]

651
00:26:53,390 --> 00:26:54,389
- I'm looking forward
to your new show,

652
00:26:54,390 --> 00:26:56,389
"tons of anarchy."

653
00:26:56,390 --> 00:26:59,389
[Laughter]

654
00:26:59,390 --> 00:27:01,389
Instead of
running for president,

655
00:27:01,390 --> 00:27:05,389
why don't you try walking
on a treadmill?

656
00:27:05,390 --> 00:27:06,389
I'd vote for you,

657
00:27:06,390 --> 00:27:08,389
but I'm against big government!

658
00:27:08,390 --> 00:27:09,389
- Oh!

659
00:27:09,390 --> 00:27:11,389
- Roseanne joined
the green party

660
00:27:11,390 --> 00:27:12,389
'cause she was kicked out
of the tea party

661
00:27:12,390 --> 00:27:14,389
for eating all the crumpets.

662
00:27:14,390 --> 00:27:16,389
[Laughter]

663
00:27:16,390 --> 00:27:18,389
- Whoo!
Nice one.

664
00:27:18,390 --> 00:27:20,389
- How many personalities
do you have, eight, nine?

665
00:27:20,390 --> 00:27:22,389
What is it?

666
00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:24,389
What are the odds
they'd all be cunts?

667
00:27:24,390 --> 00:27:27,390
[Laughter]

668
00:27:28,390 --> 00:27:32,389
- Comedy comes from pain,
people.

669
00:27:32,390 --> 00:27:35,389
And nobody knows that better
than this woman,

670
00:27:35,390 --> 00:27:37,389
the legendary roseanne barr.

671
00:27:37,390 --> 00:27:40,389
[Cheers and applause]

672
00:27:40,390 --> 00:27:42,389
[Sighs]

673
00:27:42,390 --> 00:27:44,389
Who was molested as a child.

674
00:27:44,390 --> 00:27:46,389
Oh...

675
00:27:46,390 --> 00:27:51,389
That poor molester.

676
00:27:51,390 --> 00:27:53,389
Roseanne never got over it.

677
00:27:53,390 --> 00:27:55,389
She felt violated.

678
00:27:55,390 --> 00:27:57,389
She had trust issues.

679
00:27:57,390 --> 00:28:00,389
She never got the candy
he promised her.

680
00:28:00,390 --> 00:28:03,389
[Laughter]

681
00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:07,389
Roseanne, I've always loved you
for saying whatever you want,

682
00:28:07,390 --> 00:28:08,389
for never holding back.

683
00:28:08,390 --> 00:28:10,389
And in these alarming times

684
00:28:10,390 --> 00:28:12,389
when comedians
are second-guessing

685
00:28:12,390 --> 00:28:13,389
their imaginations

686
00:28:13,390 --> 00:28:15,389
and sometimes even apologizing
for jokes,

687
00:28:15,390 --> 00:28:20,389
I consider you a hero
and a martyr and a friend.

688
00:28:20,390 --> 00:28:21,389
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

689
00:28:21,390 --> 00:28:22,389
I love you.

690
00:28:22,390 --> 00:28:23,389
Thanks.

691
00:28:23,390 --> 00:28:25,389
[Cheers and applause]

692
00:28:25,390 --> 00:28:29,389
Now I'm gonna take Seth green
and hit the showers!

693
00:28:29,390 --> 00:28:30,389
Thank you.

694
00:28:30,390 --> 00:28:33,390
[Cheers and applause]

695
00:28:42,928 --> 00:28:45,927
Our next roaster is Wayne Brady.

696
00:28:45,928 --> 00:28:48,927
Wayne said
he got his inspiration

697
00:28:48,928 --> 00:28:51,927
when he watched a summer camp
production of <i>hello Dolly</i>

698
00:28:51,928 --> 00:28:53,927
and thought,
"that's what I wanna do...

699
00:28:53,928 --> 00:28:54,927
Be gay."

700
00:28:54,928 --> 00:28:56,927
[Laughter]

701
00:28:56,928 --> 00:28:57,927
Please welcome Wayne Brady.

702
00:28:57,928 --> 00:29:00,928
[Cheers and applause]

703
00:29:04,928 --> 00:29:06,927
- Thank you so much, Jane.

704
00:29:06,928 --> 00:29:08,927
Now this is comedy central.

705
00:29:08,928 --> 00:29:10,927
Don't make me choke a butch.

706
00:29:10,928 --> 00:29:11,927
[Laughter]

707
00:29:11,928 --> 00:29:12,927
Just sayin'.

708
00:29:12,928 --> 00:29:14,927
Just sayin'.

709
00:29:14,928 --> 00:29:15,927
I just wanna let you know

710
00:29:15,928 --> 00:29:17,927
there'll be no giving
away of prizes,

711
00:29:17,928 --> 00:29:18,927
none of that shit.

712
00:29:18,928 --> 00:29:20,927
No making up songs, singing.

713
00:29:20,928 --> 00:29:22,927
I'm 'bout to tell the truth
right here

714
00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:24,927
on this motherfucking stage
tonight.

715
00:29:24,928 --> 00:29:26,927
[Cheers and applause]

716
00:29:26,928 --> 00:29:28,927
I have to preach a little bit.

717
00:29:28,928 --> 00:29:29,927
I have to preach.

718
00:29:29,928 --> 00:29:30,927
Carrie fisher.

719
00:29:30,928 --> 00:29:32,927
Carrie,
you are the only celebrity

720
00:29:32,928 --> 00:29:34,927
whose action figure
is worth more than you are.

721
00:29:34,928 --> 00:29:39,927
[Laughter]

722
00:29:39,928 --> 00:29:42,927
Ellen barkin,
so, so good to see you.

723
00:29:42,928 --> 00:29:45,927
You--you are hot.

724
00:29:45,928 --> 00:29:49,927
So, Ellen, uh, picture me, you,

725
00:29:49,928 --> 00:29:54,927
red wine, candlelight,
a time machine.

726
00:29:54,928 --> 00:29:59,927
[Laughter]

727
00:29:59,928 --> 00:30:01,927
No, I would fuck you.

728
00:30:01,928 --> 00:30:04,927
Amy schumer,
I wouldn't fuck you.

729
00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:08,927
I wouldn't fuck you if you used
watermelon-flavored vagisil

730
00:30:08,928 --> 00:30:09,927
while wearing
a fried chicken g-string

731
00:30:09,928 --> 00:30:12,927
and a j.J. Walker
dy-no-mite t-shirt

732
00:30:12,928 --> 00:30:14,927
with soulja boy
in the background.

733
00:30:14,928 --> 00:30:17,927
[Cheers and applause]

734
00:30:17,928 --> 00:30:19,927
I wouldn't.

735
00:30:19,928 --> 00:30:20,927
I wouldn't, I wouldn't.

736
00:30:20,928 --> 00:30:22,970
You couldn't get
a black dude to fuck you

737
00:30:22,971 --> 00:30:25,927
if you were on the set
of a brand new Tyler Perry movie

738
00:30:25,928 --> 00:30:27,927
called "how to get
a black dude to fuck you."

739
00:30:27,928 --> 00:30:30,927
[Laughter]

740
00:30:30,928 --> 00:30:31,927
- That's okay.

741
00:30:31,928 --> 00:30:33,927
- That's all right.

742
00:30:33,928 --> 00:30:34,927
Jeff Ross.

743
00:30:34,928 --> 00:30:35,927
Jeff...

744
00:30:35,928 --> 00:30:37,927
Oh, and by the way,

745
00:30:37,928 --> 00:30:39,927
those Al jolson jokes
go over big with the kids.

746
00:30:39,928 --> 00:30:41,927
Um...

747
00:30:41,928 --> 00:30:44,927
Yeah, you are current as fuck.

748
00:30:44,928 --> 00:30:47,927
Now the thing is, Jeff,
these are all jokes,

749
00:30:47,928 --> 00:30:48,927
and I really like you.

750
00:30:48,928 --> 00:30:49,927
I really, really like you,

751
00:30:49,928 --> 00:30:50,927
but a lotta people hate you,

752
00:30:50,928 --> 00:30:52,927
especially Sarah Palin,

753
00:30:52,928 --> 00:30:55,927
because you remind her of what
trig's gonna look like

754
00:30:55,928 --> 00:30:56,927
when he's forty.

755
00:30:56,928 --> 00:30:59,927
[Laughter]

756
00:30:59,928 --> 00:31:01,927
And, uh...

757
00:31:01,928 --> 00:31:02,927
[Mixed booing]

758
00:31:02,928 --> 00:31:04,927
Oh, now you boo me?

759
00:31:04,928 --> 00:31:05,927
Fuck y'all.

760
00:31:05,928 --> 00:31:06,927
Don't wanna hear that.

761
00:31:06,928 --> 00:31:08,927
These people say
all this shit about me,

762
00:31:08,928 --> 00:31:12,927
and you boo me because of trig.

763
00:31:12,928 --> 00:31:14,927
And now to the reason
that we're all here:

764
00:31:14,928 --> 00:31:15,927
Roseanne barr.

765
00:31:15,928 --> 00:31:19,927
[Cheers and applause]

766
00:31:19,928 --> 00:31:22,927
You have overcome a lot
to make it in Hollywood,

767
00:31:22,928 --> 00:31:23,927
and that's why I love you.

768
00:31:23,928 --> 00:31:25,927
Bad marriages,

769
00:31:25,928 --> 00:31:26,927
mental illness,

770
00:31:26,928 --> 00:31:29,927
plus you look like roseanne.

771
00:31:29,928 --> 00:31:31,927
[Laughter]

772
00:31:31,928 --> 00:31:35,927
You're oversized, beat-up,
and you reek of marijuana.

773
00:31:35,928 --> 00:31:36,927
You're...

774
00:31:36,928 --> 00:31:37,927
- That's Jeff Ross!

775
00:31:37,928 --> 00:31:41,927
- You're kinda like
Willie Nelson's tour bus.

776
00:31:41,928 --> 00:31:44,927
Except people
still wanna ride that.

777
00:31:44,928 --> 00:31:46,927
[Laughter]

778
00:31:46,928 --> 00:31:48,927
And now all that being said,

779
00:31:48,928 --> 00:31:51,927
I really think that you're,
you're a comedic gem,

780
00:31:51,928 --> 00:31:52,927
and I thank you
for letting me be here.

781
00:31:52,928 --> 00:31:54,927
- Thank you.

782
00:31:54,928 --> 00:31:56,927
- And on behalf of--of
intelligent brothers everywhere

783
00:31:56,928 --> 00:31:57,927
who get jokes like this,

784
00:31:57,928 --> 00:32:00,927
you can suck my big,
black, Carlton-looking,

785
00:32:00,928 --> 00:32:01,927
game-show-hosting,
improv-doing,

786
00:32:01,928 --> 00:32:03,927
Asian-fucking, maid-having,
rich ass.

787
00:32:03,928 --> 00:32:04,927
Thank you.
Good night.

788
00:32:04,928 --> 00:32:07,928
[Cheers and applause]

789
00:32:10,928 --> 00:32:12,927
- Love you.
Thank you so much.

790
00:32:12,928 --> 00:32:14,928
- Thank you for having me.

791
00:32:15,928 --> 00:32:17,927
- Our next roaster
is Carrie fisher.

792
00:32:17,928 --> 00:32:22,927
[Cheers and applause]

793
00:32:22,928 --> 00:32:24,927
She became famous
for traveling into space.

794
00:32:24,928 --> 00:32:26,927
Now she can be seen from it.

795
00:32:26,928 --> 00:32:29,927
May the force help her
get out of that seat.

796
00:32:29,928 --> 00:32:30,927
Please welcome Carrie fisher!

797
00:32:30,928 --> 00:32:33,928
[Cheers and applause]

798
00:32:39,928 --> 00:32:41,927
- Okay,
thank you!

799
00:32:41,928 --> 00:32:46,927
There is nothing funnier
than a good menstruation joke.

800
00:32:46,928 --> 00:32:49,927
Unfortunately, there
haven't been any tonight, but...

801
00:32:49,928 --> 00:32:52,927
Uh, okay, so...

802
00:32:52,928 --> 00:32:54,927
I am Carrie.
I'm an alcoholic.

803
00:32:54,928 --> 00:32:56,927
All right, roseanne--

804
00:32:56,928 --> 00:32:59,927
and I can't say
"oops, wrong room."

805
00:32:59,928 --> 00:33:04,927
Roseanne, when they first asked
me to do the show tonight,

806
00:33:04,928 --> 00:33:07,927
I said, "why?"

807
00:33:07,928 --> 00:33:09,927
Uh, and then they explained that
we were actually good friends

808
00:33:09,928 --> 00:33:13,927
and that we apparently--
we have worked together.

809
00:33:13,928 --> 00:33:16,927
Uh...

810
00:33:16,928 --> 00:33:19,927
Did you know I wrote
an episode of your show?

811
00:33:19,928 --> 00:33:21,927
- I do.

812
00:33:21,928 --> 00:33:22,927
- I didn't know that, but...

813
00:33:22,928 --> 00:33:24,927
[Laughter]

814
00:33:24,928 --> 00:33:25,927
It must be true.
- It's true.

815
00:33:25,928 --> 00:33:27,927
- You know,
'cause they read it online,

816
00:33:27,928 --> 00:33:31,927
next to the posting about how
much I looked like Elton John.

817
00:33:31,928 --> 00:33:33,927
Um...

818
00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:37,927
So as you may have noticed
about me,

819
00:33:37,928 --> 00:33:39,927
yes, I do have big tits,

820
00:33:39,928 --> 00:33:42,927
but also,
I am mentally ill.

821
00:33:42,928 --> 00:33:43,927
Um, but...

822
00:33:43,928 --> 00:33:45,927
- Yay!

823
00:33:45,928 --> 00:33:47,927
- Thank you.
Thank you.

824
00:33:47,928 --> 00:33:49,927
Makes this a lot easier.
Believe me.

825
00:33:49,928 --> 00:33:51,927
Um...

826
00:33:51,928 --> 00:33:54,927
But you know I'm not
the only one.

827
00:33:54,928 --> 00:33:56,927
Uh, Jeff Ross...

828
00:33:56,928 --> 00:33:57,927
- Oh!

829
00:33:57,928 --> 00:34:00,927
- God, you give so much
of yourself

830
00:34:00,928 --> 00:34:03,927
entertaining our troops
overseas.

831
00:34:03,928 --> 00:34:05,927
Not by doing stand-up.

832
00:34:05,928 --> 00:34:08,927
They just like watching fat guys
get out of helicopters.

833
00:34:08,928 --> 00:34:11,927
[Laughter]

834
00:34:11,928 --> 00:34:13,927
Uh, there you go.

835
00:34:13,928 --> 00:34:17,927
Speaking of electro convulsive
therapy, um...

836
00:34:17,928 --> 00:34:19,927
I learned two things tonight

837
00:34:19,928 --> 00:34:22,927
bumping into Seth green
backstage:

838
00:34:22,928 --> 00:34:25,927
He is a big <i>star wars</i> fan,

839
00:34:25,928 --> 00:34:27,927
and I apparently was
in <i>star wars.</i>

840
00:34:27,928 --> 00:34:29,927
[Laughter]

841
00:34:29,928 --> 00:34:32,927
So...

842
00:34:32,928 --> 00:34:35,927
Amazing.
That must have been great.

843
00:34:35,928 --> 00:34:38,927
Uh, you know...

844
00:34:38,928 --> 00:34:41,927
Now, uh, Wayne Brady...

845
00:34:41,928 --> 00:34:43,927
How are you?

846
00:34:43,928 --> 00:34:45,927
You're so white that I--

847
00:34:45,928 --> 00:34:48,927
I tried to snort you backstage,
didn't I?

848
00:34:48,928 --> 00:34:50,927
I'm sorry.

849
00:34:50,928 --> 00:34:51,927
[Laughter]

850
00:34:51,928 --> 00:34:52,927
[Cheers and applause]

851
00:34:52,928 --> 00:34:54,927
- Wow.

852
00:34:54,928 --> 00:34:58,927
- Now, uh,
I have seen Gilbert gottfried

853
00:34:58,928 --> 00:35:00,927
at 12-step meetings.

854
00:35:00,928 --> 00:35:03,927
Uh, even though he was not
actually there.

855
00:35:03,928 --> 00:35:07,927
They, uh, they held a picture up
of him, and they said,

856
00:35:07,928 --> 00:35:09,927
"if you fuck this man,

857
00:35:09,928 --> 00:35:13,927
"'a,' how humiliating for you;

858
00:35:13,928 --> 00:35:16,927
and 'b,' you must be
an alcoholic."

859
00:35:16,928 --> 00:35:18,927
Uh...

860
00:35:18,928 --> 00:35:20,927
At least I hope so.

861
00:35:20,928 --> 00:35:22,927
Jane...

862
00:35:22,928 --> 00:35:24,927
- We love you, Carrie!

863
00:35:24,928 --> 00:35:26,927
- Oh, dear,
I love you too.

864
00:35:26,928 --> 00:35:27,927
Uh...

865
00:35:27,928 --> 00:35:29,927
I do love you on <i>glee,</i> I do.

866
00:35:29,928 --> 00:35:32,927
And it's such a change
to see a coach

867
00:35:32,928 --> 00:35:35,927
that doesn't take showers
with little boys.

868
00:35:35,928 --> 00:35:36,927
[Laughter]

869
00:35:36,928 --> 00:35:37,927
- Hey, wait a minute!

870
00:35:37,928 --> 00:35:38,927
- I know.
Where--what--

871
00:35:38,928 --> 00:35:40,927
what, you're gonna take
exception to that?

872
00:35:40,928 --> 00:35:41,927
You did that joke?

873
00:35:41,928 --> 00:35:42,927
- No, no, no.
- No.

874
00:35:42,928 --> 00:35:44,927
No, not that?
- No, no.

875
00:35:44,928 --> 00:35:45,927
- I'm gonna do
another period joke,

876
00:35:45,928 --> 00:35:47,927
then another white joke,

877
00:35:47,928 --> 00:35:48,927
short joke,

878
00:35:48,928 --> 00:35:50,927
old women joke.

879
00:35:50,928 --> 00:35:51,927
Ha-ha-ha, okay.

880
00:35:51,928 --> 00:35:52,927
So...

881
00:35:52,928 --> 00:35:54,927
[Cheers and applause]

882
00:35:54,928 --> 00:35:56,928
Yes, God!

883
00:35:59,928 --> 00:36:02,927
Hilarious!

884
00:36:02,928 --> 00:36:05,927
Anthony jeselnik!

885
00:36:05,928 --> 00:36:07,927
I've heard that you are
a pretty gutsy guy.

886
00:36:07,928 --> 00:36:11,927
You say what other rapists
only think.

887
00:36:11,928 --> 00:36:14,927
[Laughter]

888
00:36:14,928 --> 00:36:16,927
And you don't get your period
anymore, do you?

889
00:36:16,928 --> 00:36:20,927
Oh, God, I could laugh
about that all night.

890
00:36:20,928 --> 00:36:25,927
Now I wanna talk about someone
I have a lot of history with,

891
00:36:25,928 --> 00:36:29,927
someone who's always
been there for me...

892
00:36:29,928 --> 00:36:32,927
Not really, but roseanne...

893
00:36:32,928 --> 00:36:35,927
You know, roseanne and I,
we're both feminists.

894
00:36:35,928 --> 00:36:37,927
Am I right?
- You're right.

895
00:36:37,928 --> 00:36:38,927
- I mean...

896
00:36:38,928 --> 00:36:41,927
That's it!

897
00:36:41,928 --> 00:36:45,927
You know, we--we think women
can do anything that men can do.

898
00:36:45,928 --> 00:36:48,927
In fact, we were discussing
this earlier at the urinal.

899
00:36:48,928 --> 00:36:50,928
Remember that?

900
00:36:52,928 --> 00:36:56,927
Okay, roseanne, you've battled
the voices in your head

901
00:36:56,928 --> 00:36:59,927
to become one
of the greatest comedians

902
00:36:59,928 --> 00:37:02,927
and sitcom stars of all time

903
00:37:02,928 --> 00:37:05,927
as well as a very dear friend
of mine...

904
00:37:05,928 --> 00:37:07,927
Ish.

905
00:37:07,928 --> 00:37:08,927
Uh,

906
00:37:08,928 --> 00:37:11,927
and if I had to come up
with one reason

907
00:37:11,928 --> 00:37:13,927
why I love you so much,

908
00:37:13,928 --> 00:37:19,927
it would have to be
because I have done so much dope

909
00:37:19,928 --> 00:37:26,927
that I have no idea
who the fuck you are!

910
00:37:26,928 --> 00:37:29,927
Or who I am,
or where I am.

911
00:37:29,928 --> 00:37:30,927
Thank you.

912
00:37:30,928 --> 00:37:33,927
- Yeah!

913
00:37:33,928 --> 00:37:35,927
- I just got my period.

914
00:37:35,928 --> 00:37:38,928
[Cheers and applause]

915
00:37:43,496 --> 00:37:46,996
- Our next roaster is Anthony
Jeselnik.

916
00:37:47,497 --> 00:37:50,496
[Cheers and applause]

917
00:37:50,497 --> 00:37:53,496
This fellow is famous
for his one-liners like

918
00:37:53,497 --> 00:37:57,496
"I never touched her,"
"I have an alibi,"

919
00:37:57,497 --> 00:37:59,496
or "talk to my lawyer."

920
00:37:59,497 --> 00:38:00,496
Everyone, please clap your hands

921
00:38:00,497 --> 00:38:03,496
and pretend like you recognize
Anthony jeselnik.

922
00:38:03,497 --> 00:38:06,497
[Cheers and applause]

923
00:38:10,497 --> 00:38:12,496
- Thank you.

924
00:38:12,497 --> 00:38:13,496
Thank you.

925
00:38:13,497 --> 00:38:16,496
When comedy central first
asked me to be here tonight,

926
00:38:16,497 --> 00:38:20,496
I told them to suck my dick.

927
00:38:20,497 --> 00:38:22,496
And now I'm here.

928
00:38:22,497 --> 00:38:28,496
[Laughter]

929
00:38:28,497 --> 00:38:30,496
Jane lynch,
I love your show <i>glee.</i>

930
00:38:30,497 --> 00:38:32,496
Every episode
keeps me guessing.

931
00:38:32,497 --> 00:38:34,496
No matter how I think
it's gonna turn out,

932
00:38:34,497 --> 00:38:37,496
there's never a school shooting.

933
00:38:37,497 --> 00:38:40,497
[Groaning laughter]

934
00:38:42,497 --> 00:38:45,496
My good friend Jeff Ross
is all dressed up tonight.

935
00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:46,496
- Yeah, man.

936
00:38:46,497 --> 00:38:49,496
- Jeff, you look like something
a mongoloid kid put together

937
00:38:49,497 --> 00:38:50,496
at build-a-bear.

938
00:38:50,497 --> 00:38:53,497
[Laughter]

939
00:38:57,497 --> 00:38:59,496
Katey sagal.

940
00:38:59,497 --> 00:39:01,496
Katey sagal,
you're an incredible actress.

941
00:39:01,497 --> 00:39:03,496
You worked on
<i>married with children,</i>

942
00:39:03,497 --> 00:39:05,496
the show that changed comedy.

943
00:39:05,497 --> 00:39:06,496
<i>Sons of anarchy,</i>

944
00:39:06,497 --> 00:39:09,496
the show that took drama
to a whole new level,

945
00:39:09,497 --> 00:39:10,496
and <i>eight simple rules,</i>

946
00:39:10,497 --> 00:39:13,496
the show that killed
John ritter.

947
00:39:13,497 --> 00:39:15,496
[Groaning]

948
00:39:15,497 --> 00:39:16,496
- That's bad.

949
00:39:16,497 --> 00:39:19,496
That's mean.

950
00:39:19,497 --> 00:39:20,496
Ooh.

951
00:39:20,497 --> 00:39:22,496
Wow.

952
00:39:22,497 --> 00:39:24,497
- Boo, bitches.
Boo.

953
00:39:27,497 --> 00:39:29,496
Seth green is here.

954
00:39:29,497 --> 00:39:33,496
You know how everybody has
that one weird, creepy Uncle?

955
00:39:33,497 --> 00:39:37,496
Well, Seth green looks like
he got raped by all of them.

956
00:39:37,497 --> 00:39:40,497
[Laughter]

957
00:39:43,497 --> 00:39:46,496
Ellen barkin, baby doll.

958
00:39:46,497 --> 00:39:49,496
Your upcoming TV show,
<i>the new normal,</i>

959
00:39:49,497 --> 00:39:50,496
premieres on September 11th.

960
00:39:50,497 --> 00:39:51,496
Yeah.

961
00:39:51,497 --> 00:39:53,496
[Cheers and applause]

962
00:39:53,497 --> 00:39:54,496
Yeah.

963
00:39:54,497 --> 00:39:56,496
September 11th,
that sounds about right.

964
00:39:56,497 --> 00:39:59,496
[Cheers and applause]

965
00:39:59,497 --> 00:40:00,496
- I never thought of that.

966
00:40:00,497 --> 00:40:02,496
- Every clip I've seen feels

967
00:40:02,497 --> 00:40:05,497
like I'm watching
a third tower collapse.

968
00:40:08,497 --> 00:40:11,496
- Suck it.

969
00:40:11,497 --> 00:40:13,496
- And Wayne Brady.

970
00:40:13,497 --> 00:40:15,496
Wayne, I don't understand
why people keep joking

971
00:40:15,497 --> 00:40:16,496
that you're not black.

972
00:40:16,497 --> 00:40:18,496
Wayne Brady,
you are black!

973
00:40:18,497 --> 00:40:21,496
After all, I only remember
you for all the years

974
00:40:21,497 --> 00:40:28,496
you played an uppity slave on
<i>whose line is it anyway?</i>

975
00:40:28,497 --> 00:40:30,496
- You were great.
- I was good, right?

976
00:40:30,497 --> 00:40:31,496
[Laughter]

977
00:40:31,497 --> 00:40:33,496
- I was good.

978
00:40:33,497 --> 00:40:36,496
- And now for the lady of honor,
miss roseanne barr.

979
00:40:36,497 --> 00:40:40,496
[Cheers and applause]

980
00:40:40,497 --> 00:40:43,496
- Oh, boy.
I can't wait.

981
00:40:43,497 --> 00:40:46,496
- Roseanne, your bid
for president was a failure.

982
00:40:46,497 --> 00:40:49,496
But you said
that you'd like to become

983
00:40:49,497 --> 00:40:51,496
prime minister
of Israel one day,

984
00:40:51,497 --> 00:40:52,496
and that could happen.

985
00:40:52,497 --> 00:40:54,496
Those people are fuckin' idiots!

986
00:40:54,497 --> 00:40:58,496
[Laughter]

987
00:40:58,497 --> 00:41:01,496
Roseanne, even though
you're a feminist icon,

988
00:41:01,497 --> 00:41:03,496
so many men
have gotten rich off of you:

989
00:41:03,497 --> 00:41:06,496
Tom Arnold,
John Goodman,

990
00:41:06,497 --> 00:41:09,496
the guy who owns
the cheesecake factory.

991
00:41:09,497 --> 00:41:12,497
[Laughter]

992
00:41:18,497 --> 00:41:20,496
And, roseanne,

993
00:41:20,497 --> 00:41:23,496
you were notorious for being
a tyrant on your sitcom.

994
00:41:23,497 --> 00:41:25,496
In fact,
the entire cast and crew

995
00:41:25,497 --> 00:41:27,496
always had to walk
on eggshells around you

996
00:41:27,497 --> 00:41:30,496
because you just could not stop
eating eggs.

997
00:41:30,497 --> 00:41:33,497
[Laughter]

998
00:41:35,497 --> 00:41:38,496
But here's something positive.

999
00:41:38,497 --> 00:41:42,496
Because you had gastric bypass
surgery in 1998,

1000
00:41:42,497 --> 00:41:44,496
and then you beat it.

1001
00:41:44,497 --> 00:41:47,497
[Laughter]

1002
00:41:53,497 --> 00:41:56,496
But roseanne,
despite everything I just said,

1003
00:41:56,497 --> 00:41:58,496
there is not a comic alive

1004
00:41:58,497 --> 00:42:00,496
who doesn't owe
a great debt to you.

1005
00:42:00,497 --> 00:42:02,496
You're a great sport
for being here tonight.

1006
00:42:02,497 --> 00:42:03,496
Thank you for letting me
be here too.

1007
00:42:03,497 --> 00:42:04,496
- Thank you, Anthony.

1008
00:42:04,497 --> 00:42:06,496
Thank you very much, everybody.

1009
00:42:06,497 --> 00:42:07,496
Thank you.

1010
00:42:07,497 --> 00:42:10,497
[Cheers and applause]

1011
00:42:13,497 --> 00:42:16,496
Our next roaster
is Ellen barkin.

1012
00:42:16,497 --> 00:42:20,496
[Cheers and applause]

1013
00:42:20,497 --> 00:42:24,496
Older viewers might know Ellen
from <i>diner</i> or <i>sea of love,</i>

1014
00:42:24,497 --> 00:42:27,496
while younger viewers
might know her from fucking her.

1015
00:42:27,497 --> 00:42:30,496
[Laughter]

1016
00:42:30,497 --> 00:42:34,496
Ellen stars in the upcoming
nbc sitcom, <i>the new normal,</i>

1017
00:42:34,497 --> 00:42:39,496
which critics are already
describing as cancelled.

1018
00:42:39,497 --> 00:42:40,496
Ladies and gentlemen,

1019
00:42:40,497 --> 00:42:42,496
please welcome Ellen barkin!

1020
00:42:42,497 --> 00:42:45,497
[Cheers and applause]

1021
00:42:49,497 --> 00:42:51,496
- Thank you, Jane.

1022
00:42:51,497 --> 00:42:53,496
I had a cocktail before
I came on.

1023
00:42:53,497 --> 00:42:57,496
I admit it.

1024
00:42:57,497 --> 00:43:00,496
And then I had
three more cocktails.

1025
00:43:00,497 --> 00:43:04,496
And then I had a valium.

1026
00:43:04,497 --> 00:43:07,496
I was very scared
and very intimidated

1027
00:43:07,497 --> 00:43:14,496
by being surrounded
by real comedians here tonight.

1028
00:43:14,497 --> 00:43:16,496
Luckily, this fuckin' Jeff Ross
is here.

1029
00:43:16,497 --> 00:43:17,496
[Laughter]

1030
00:43:17,497 --> 00:43:19,496
That was a relief.

1031
00:43:19,497 --> 00:43:21,496
I hear you have a new show.

1032
00:43:21,497 --> 00:43:22,496
- Yeah.
- Yeah?

1033
00:43:22,497 --> 00:43:25,496
- Don't you think you should
say, "thank you," to roseanne

1034
00:43:25,497 --> 00:43:29,496
for paving the way for plus-size
women to get their own TV shows?

1035
00:43:29,497 --> 00:43:31,496
[Cheers and applause]

1036
00:43:31,497 --> 00:43:32,496
- Thank you, roseanne.
Thank you.

1037
00:43:32,497 --> 00:43:35,496
- You're welcome.
- You're right.

1038
00:43:35,497 --> 00:43:38,497
- Katey, my little peg Bundy.

1039
00:43:41,497 --> 00:43:43,496
- Hi, Ellen.

1040
00:43:43,497 --> 00:43:46,496
- How does it feel
to go through life

1041
00:43:46,497 --> 00:43:51,496
known as that horny redhead
who could never get laid?

1042
00:43:51,497 --> 00:43:54,496
Seth green, same question.

1043
00:43:54,497 --> 00:43:57,497
[Cheers and applause]

1044
00:43:59,497 --> 00:44:02,496
And Gilbert gottfried.

1045
00:44:02,497 --> 00:44:05,496
I am so glad
you could take a break

1046
00:44:05,497 --> 00:44:09,496
from staring
directly into the sun

1047
00:44:09,497 --> 00:44:10,496
to be with us tonight.

1048
00:44:10,497 --> 00:44:13,497
[Laughter]

1049
00:44:15,497 --> 00:44:17,496
But now it's time
to turn our attention

1050
00:44:17,497 --> 00:44:20,496
to the sexiest fuckin' bitch
on this stage:

1051
00:44:20,497 --> 00:44:23,496
Miss roseanne barr!

1052
00:44:23,497 --> 00:44:26,496
[Cheers and applause]

1053
00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:29,496
Now, roseanne,
I'm only here

1054
00:44:29,497 --> 00:44:32,496
because Sharon stone
dropped out,

1055
00:44:32,497 --> 00:44:35,496
and we all know how hilarious
that cunt is.

1056
00:44:35,497 --> 00:44:38,497
[Cheers and applause]

1057
00:44:41,497 --> 00:44:46,415
- That's not true.

1058
00:44:46,416 --> 00:44:47,496
- Roseanne,
it was very important

1059
00:44:47,497 --> 00:44:49,496
for me to be here for you.

1060
00:44:49,497 --> 00:44:51,496
Do you remember
that fuckin' bitch

1061
00:44:51,497 --> 00:44:54,496
who tweeted at me and called me

1062
00:44:54,497 --> 00:45:00,496
a fuckin' cradle-robbing,
washed-up, has-been pig

1063
00:45:00,497 --> 00:45:03,496
who should find a man my own age

1064
00:45:03,497 --> 00:45:07,496
instead of parading around
with some boy toy

1065
00:45:07,497 --> 00:45:09,496
that I would never get

1066
00:45:09,497 --> 00:45:13,496
if I didn't used to be famous
in the '80s?

1067
00:45:13,497 --> 00:45:17,496
And--and roseanne...

1068
00:45:17,497 --> 00:45:19,496
In my defense,
she took to Twitter,

1069
00:45:19,497 --> 00:45:21,496
and she told that fuckin' bitch,

1070
00:45:21,497 --> 00:45:25,496
"shut the fuck up!"

1071
00:45:25,497 --> 00:45:28,497
[Cheers and applause]

1072
00:45:31,497 --> 00:45:33,496
Now, granted,

1073
00:45:33,497 --> 00:45:38,497
I was with that woman's son
at the time.

1074
00:45:40,497 --> 00:45:42,496
It was late,

1075
00:45:42,497 --> 00:45:47,164
and he did have homework
that night.

1076
00:45:47,165 --> 00:45:49,496
But there was no way

1077
00:45:49,497 --> 00:45:52,496
I was lettin' that little
hairless plaything

1078
00:45:52,497 --> 00:45:54,496
out of my sandbox.

1079
00:45:54,497 --> 00:45:58,496
[Laughter]

1080
00:45:58,497 --> 00:46:02,496
My friend, roseanne,
you are a pioneer.

1081
00:46:02,497 --> 00:46:07,496
You became an icon
for female comics,

1082
00:46:07,497 --> 00:46:10,496
for working mothers,

1083
00:46:10,497 --> 00:46:13,496
for all women.

1084
00:46:13,497 --> 00:46:15,496
And then you married
that jittery coke head

1085
00:46:15,497 --> 00:46:17,496
and you fucked it all up.

1086
00:46:17,497 --> 00:46:20,496
[Laughter]

1087
00:46:20,497 --> 00:46:22,496
- Oh, well.

1088
00:46:22,497 --> 00:46:23,496
- I love you.

1089
00:46:23,497 --> 00:46:25,496
- I love you.
Thank you.

1090
00:46:25,497 --> 00:46:28,497
[Cheers and applause]

1091
00:46:38,408 --> 00:46:40,408
- Wow!

1092
00:46:40,409 --> 00:46:43,408
Okay, so I was just told
we have a last-minute guest

1093
00:46:43,409 --> 00:46:45,408
who's stopped by
to say a few words.

1094
00:46:45,409 --> 00:46:46,408
Ladies and gentlemen:

1095
00:46:46,409 --> 00:46:47,408
Tom Arnold.

1096
00:46:47,409 --> 00:46:50,409
[Cheers and applause]

1097
00:47:14,409 --> 00:47:17,408
- Oh, shit.

1098
00:47:17,409 --> 00:47:18,408
She's right beside me,
isn't she?

1099
00:47:18,409 --> 00:47:21,408
Oh, shit.

1100
00:47:21,409 --> 00:47:23,408
You know, uh, hi.

1101
00:47:23,409 --> 00:47:26,408
Wow.

1102
00:47:26,409 --> 00:47:28,408
We, uh--we have not been
in the same room

1103
00:47:28,409 --> 00:47:31,408
for over 18 years,
and, uh, you know...

1104
00:47:31,409 --> 00:47:32,408
- Yay!
- Yeah, I--

1105
00:47:32,409 --> 00:47:36,408
[cheers and applause]

1106
00:47:36,409 --> 00:47:38,408
I'm not here to tear
roseanne a new one

1107
00:47:38,409 --> 00:47:40,408
because quite frankly,
I've seen the old one,

1108
00:47:40,409 --> 00:47:44,408
and, uh, it is spectacular.

1109
00:47:44,409 --> 00:47:45,408
It could use a little paint,

1110
00:47:45,409 --> 00:47:47,408
maybe a couple of plants
in the corners,

1111
00:47:47,409 --> 00:47:49,408
a wicker loveseat,
but trust me,

1112
00:47:49,409 --> 00:47:51,408
that baby is move-in ready!

1113
00:47:51,409 --> 00:47:55,408
[Laughter]

1114
00:47:55,409 --> 00:47:56,408
Trust me.

1115
00:47:56,409 --> 00:47:57,408
Why am I here?

1116
00:47:57,409 --> 00:47:59,408
Well, I'm here
to honor roseanne,

1117
00:47:59,409 --> 00:48:02,408
and I'm here because I fuckin'
earned it, man, the hard way.

1118
00:48:02,409 --> 00:48:06,408
[Laughter]

1119
00:48:06,409 --> 00:48:08,408
Have any of you guys
ever wrestled her?

1120
00:48:08,409 --> 00:48:09,408
Huh?

1121
00:48:09,409 --> 00:48:11,408
I have.

1122
00:48:11,409 --> 00:48:13,408
Has she sent any of you guys
over to Paramount

1123
00:48:13,409 --> 00:48:15,408
to beat up arsenio hall
for making fat jokes?

1124
00:48:15,409 --> 00:48:18,408
I did.
Right?

1125
00:48:18,409 --> 00:48:20,408
How many of you have been
arrested at l.A.X.

1126
00:48:20,409 --> 00:48:23,408
For defending her singing?

1127
00:48:23,409 --> 00:48:27,408
This guy right here.

1128
00:48:27,409 --> 00:48:29,408
Have you ever had her
pull a knife on you

1129
00:48:29,409 --> 00:48:31,408
for spitting
on her diet cookies?

1130
00:48:31,409 --> 00:48:34,408
Yes!
Yes!

1131
00:48:34,409 --> 00:48:35,408
That's right!

1132
00:48:35,409 --> 00:48:40,408
[Laughter]

1133
00:48:40,409 --> 00:48:42,408
Have you ever been
sucker-punched in the face

1134
00:48:42,409 --> 00:48:44,408
by her purse
in front of Bob hope

1135
00:48:44,409 --> 00:48:46,408
at his freakin'
90th birthday party?

1136
00:48:46,409 --> 00:48:50,408
[Laughter]

1137
00:48:50,409 --> 00:48:51,408
Yes.
- Not.

1138
00:48:51,409 --> 00:48:53,408
- Yes, you did.

1139
00:48:53,409 --> 00:48:54,408
Yes, it's true.

1140
00:48:54,409 --> 00:48:58,408
At one time we were
obviously very, very close.

1141
00:48:58,409 --> 00:48:59,408
When I was with roseanne--

1142
00:48:59,409 --> 00:49:01,408
and uh, she's talked
about this a lot--

1143
00:49:01,409 --> 00:49:03,408
she had 27 personalities.

1144
00:49:03,409 --> 00:49:05,408
And only two of them liked me.

1145
00:49:05,409 --> 00:49:09,408
And, uh, one of those
was a small German boy, and...

1146
00:49:09,409 --> 00:49:13,408
[Laughter]

1147
00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:15,408
Rosie and I were
once inseparable.

1148
00:49:15,409 --> 00:49:18,408
We lived together,
we worked together,

1149
00:49:18,409 --> 00:49:20,408
we even got tattoos together.

1150
00:49:20,409 --> 00:49:22,408
You remember.

1151
00:49:22,409 --> 00:49:23,408
I got Rosie's face
tattooed on my chest.

1152
00:49:23,409 --> 00:49:25,408
And believe me,

1153
00:49:25,409 --> 00:49:27,408
it is hard to get a woman
to have sex with you

1154
00:49:27,409 --> 00:49:30,408
when roseanne
is fucking staring at her.

1155
00:49:30,409 --> 00:49:32,408
It's true.

1156
00:49:32,409 --> 00:49:34,408
[Laughter]

1157
00:49:34,409 --> 00:49:36,408
It's even harder to masturbate.

1158
00:49:36,409 --> 00:49:39,409
[Laughter]

1159
00:49:42,409 --> 00:49:43,408
You know, Rosie--
this is true--

1160
00:49:43,409 --> 00:49:46,408
she actually had
"property of tom Arnold"

1161
00:49:46,409 --> 00:49:48,408
tattooed on her hip.

1162
00:49:48,409 --> 00:49:51,408
Which made me the fourth largest
property owner in California.

1163
00:49:51,409 --> 00:49:57,408
[Laughter]

1164
00:49:57,409 --> 00:49:59,408
Now that I'm allegedly sober,

1165
00:49:59,409 --> 00:50:05,408
and we're both
in stable relationships...

1166
00:50:05,409 --> 00:50:06,408
I want you to know, uh,
Rosie,

1167
00:50:06,409 --> 00:50:08,408
there's no reason to be jealous
of my wife, Ashley.

1168
00:50:08,409 --> 00:50:13,408
She's tall and thin and wasn't
even born when we were married.

1169
00:50:13,409 --> 00:50:15,408
Plus, I've learned
from your biggest mistake:

1170
00:50:15,409 --> 00:50:16,408
I made her sign a pre-nup.

1171
00:50:16,409 --> 00:50:17,408
[Laughs]

1172
00:50:17,409 --> 00:50:18,408
That was so good.

1173
00:50:18,409 --> 00:50:19,408
Anyway...

1174
00:50:19,409 --> 00:50:23,408
[Laughter]

1175
00:50:23,409 --> 00:50:25,408
Whoa...

1176
00:50:25,409 --> 00:50:27,408
But I just wanna say something
about your boyfriend, Johnny.

1177
00:50:27,409 --> 00:50:29,408
Johnny, I wanna say this to you,
man.

1178
00:50:29,409 --> 00:50:32,408
Uh, no matter what,
you gotta stay with this woman.

1179
00:50:32,409 --> 00:50:33,408
She may not be the perfect wife,

1180
00:50:33,409 --> 00:50:34,408
but trust me,

1181
00:50:34,409 --> 00:50:38,408
she's literally the worst
fucking ex-wife on the planet.

1182
00:50:38,409 --> 00:50:39,408
Literally!

1183
00:50:39,409 --> 00:50:41,408
[Cheers and applause]

1184
00:50:41,409 --> 00:50:43,408
You do not wanna be a guy
lying on his couch with a date

1185
00:50:43,409 --> 00:50:44,408
and hear how small your dick is

1186
00:50:44,409 --> 00:50:47,408
on <i>Saturday night live.</i>

1187
00:50:47,409 --> 00:50:48,408
And then <i>the view.</i>

1188
00:50:48,409 --> 00:50:52,408
And then CNN,
and Al-jazeera.

1189
00:50:52,409 --> 00:50:57,408
She holds a grudge, people!

1190
00:50:57,409 --> 00:50:58,408
You know, uh, recently
roseanne got in trouble

1191
00:50:58,409 --> 00:51:01,408
for accidentally wishing cancer
on chik-fil-a customers...

1192
00:51:01,409 --> 00:51:03,408
[Cheers and applause]

1193
00:51:03,409 --> 00:51:04,408
But...

1194
00:51:04,409 --> 00:51:05,408
[Cheers and applause]

1195
00:51:05,409 --> 00:51:07,408
Accidentally.

1196
00:51:07,409 --> 00:51:09,408
But you guys can all relax.

1197
00:51:09,409 --> 00:51:11,408
If she had the power
to wish cancer on anyone,

1198
00:51:11,409 --> 00:51:13,408
I would have been fucking dead
in '94.

1199
00:51:13,409 --> 00:51:16,408
[Laughter]

1200
00:51:16,409 --> 00:51:19,408
You know, I, uh,
I met roseanne 30 years ago.

1201
00:51:19,409 --> 00:51:21,408
You know, remember that?

1202
00:51:21,409 --> 00:51:22,408
- Is that right?

1203
00:51:22,409 --> 00:51:23,408
- Yeah, about 30 years ago.

1204
00:51:23,409 --> 00:51:25,408
And the first time
I saw you perform,

1205
00:51:25,409 --> 00:51:27,408
I knew you were one
of the great ones.

1206
00:51:27,409 --> 00:51:29,408
And, uh, when I got off stage
you said to me,

1207
00:51:29,409 --> 00:51:32,408
"you sure are
a funny son of a bitch."

1208
00:51:32,409 --> 00:51:33,408
And I said, "thanks.

1209
00:51:33,409 --> 00:51:35,408
You wanna do some blow?"

1210
00:51:35,409 --> 00:51:36,408
And, uh...

1211
00:51:36,409 --> 00:51:38,408
We stole the m.C.'S car,

1212
00:51:38,409 --> 00:51:39,408
and we disappeared
for three days.

1213
00:51:39,409 --> 00:51:41,408
You remember that?

1214
00:51:41,409 --> 00:51:43,408
And so began our very own white
trash Camelot.

1215
00:51:43,409 --> 00:51:46,408
[Laughter]

1216
00:51:46,409 --> 00:51:48,408
Hmm...

1217
00:51:48,409 --> 00:51:49,408
For one brief shining moment.

1218
00:51:49,409 --> 00:51:53,408
Then in 1985,
roseanne went on Johnny Carson,

1219
00:51:53,409 --> 00:51:55,408
which is every comic's dream
back then, you know?

1220
00:51:55,409 --> 00:51:57,408
She killed,
he laughed his ass off.

1221
00:51:57,409 --> 00:51:58,408
He gave her a thumbs up,

1222
00:51:58,409 --> 00:52:00,408
and he invited her to sit
on the couch.

1223
00:52:00,409 --> 00:52:02,408
She got validation from the king

1224
00:52:02,409 --> 00:52:04,408
that could never be taken away
from you.

1225
00:52:04,409 --> 00:52:07,409
[Cheers and applause]

1226
00:52:12,409 --> 00:52:14,408
And...

1227
00:52:14,409 --> 00:52:16,408
I just want to say that,
roseanne,

1228
00:52:16,409 --> 00:52:17,408
you were my Johnny Carson.

1229
00:52:17,409 --> 00:52:20,408
And thank you for the thumbs up,

1230
00:52:20,409 --> 00:52:22,408
and thank you for allowing me
to sit on your couch

1231
00:52:22,409 --> 00:52:23,408
for a little bit.

1232
00:52:23,409 --> 00:52:24,408
Good night.

1233
00:52:24,409 --> 00:52:28,408
[Cheers and applause]

1234
00:52:28,409 --> 00:52:30,408
- Thanks.
It was fun.

1235
00:52:30,409 --> 00:52:32,408
- Thank you.

1236
00:52:32,409 --> 00:52:35,409
[Cheers and applause]

1237
00:52:45,118 --> 00:52:49,117
[Cheers and applause]

1238
00:52:49,118 --> 00:52:53,117
Now, Gilbert is, uh, famous
not so much for his comedy

1239
00:52:53,118 --> 00:52:56,117
but for pissing off more Asian
people than Hiroshima.

1240
00:52:56,118 --> 00:52:59,117
[Laughter]

1241
00:52:59,118 --> 00:53:01,117
Please welcome that scary thing
under your bed

1242
00:53:01,118 --> 00:53:02,117
from when you were a kid:

1243
00:53:02,118 --> 00:53:03,117
Gilbert gottfried!

1244
00:53:03,118 --> 00:53:06,118
[Cheers and applause]

1245
00:53:16,118 --> 00:53:22,117
- Jane lynch!

1246
00:53:22,118 --> 00:53:24,117
Ladies and gentlemen,

1247
00:53:24,118 --> 00:53:29,117
I hope you can hear
the sound of my voice!

1248
00:53:29,118 --> 00:53:36,117
This microphone is covered by
the thick layer of pubic hairs

1249
00:53:36,118 --> 00:53:40,117
that shot from between
Jane's teeth!

1250
00:53:40,118 --> 00:53:44,117
[Groaning laughter]

1251
00:53:44,118 --> 00:53:46,117
During each commercial break,

1252
00:53:46,118 --> 00:53:53,117
the producers wipe away
the pelt of saliva-coated pubes

1253
00:53:53,118 --> 00:53:56,118
that accumulate upon the mic!

1254
00:54:00,118 --> 00:54:05,117
And each time Jane returns
to the stage,

1255
00:54:05,118 --> 00:54:12,117
she once again sprays
a carpet of short, curly hairs

1256
00:54:12,118 --> 00:54:15,117
all over the microphone,

1257
00:54:15,118 --> 00:54:24,117
and the front row of
the nauseated audience members.

1258
00:54:24,118 --> 00:54:31,117
So forgive me if my voice
is, shall we say, muffled!

1259
00:54:31,118 --> 00:54:34,117
[Laughter]

1260
00:54:34,118 --> 00:54:37,118
[Cheers and applause]

1261
00:54:39,118 --> 00:54:41,117
Carrie fisher!

1262
00:54:41,118 --> 00:54:45,118
Thank you for visiting us
from the past.

1263
00:54:48,118 --> 00:54:53,117
When comedy central
looked at this dais, they said,

1264
00:54:53,118 --> 00:54:58,117
"we just don't have enough
washed-up, repugnant,

1265
00:54:58,118 --> 00:55:03,117
"drug-addicted,
menopausal has-beens.

1266
00:55:03,118 --> 00:55:06,117
"Get me Carrie fisher.

1267
00:55:06,118 --> 00:55:09,118
[Laughter]

1268
00:55:11,118 --> 00:55:15,117
"Because if there's anything
we're certain of,

1269
00:55:15,118 --> 00:55:19,118
it's that Carrie fisher
is available."

1270
00:55:23,118 --> 00:55:27,117
R2-d2 has gotten more work

1271
00:55:27,118 --> 00:55:30,201
since <i>star wars</i>
than Carrie fisher.

1272
00:55:30,202 --> 00:55:33,117
[Laughter]

1273
00:55:33,118 --> 00:55:36,118
- And he has his period.

1274
00:55:39,118 --> 00:55:44,117
- But tonight isn't about
Carrie fisher or Jeff Ross

1275
00:55:44,118 --> 00:55:48,117
or any of the other
disease-ridden transients

1276
00:55:48,118 --> 00:55:52,117
who were forced
from their shanties

1277
00:55:52,118 --> 00:55:56,117
and refrigerator box dwellings
to be here.

1278
00:55:56,118 --> 00:55:59,118
[Laughter]

1279
00:56:02,118 --> 00:56:08,118
Tonight, we honor a monster
in the entertainment industries.

1280
00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:14,117
And like most monsters,
she goes by one name,

1281
00:56:14,118 --> 00:56:18,117
and that name is rozilla!

1282
00:56:18,118 --> 00:56:21,118
[Cheers and applause]

1283
00:56:25,118 --> 00:56:27,117
Rozilla!

1284
00:56:27,118 --> 00:56:30,117
She's been described
as being covered

1285
00:56:30,118 --> 00:56:34,117
with a thick layer
of scaly, gray skin

1286
00:56:34,118 --> 00:56:38,117
emitting a strong,
disgusting odor

1287
00:56:38,118 --> 00:56:44,117
of taco grease and ass cheese.

1288
00:56:44,118 --> 00:56:49,117
Her sharp, yellow teeth
can take a man's arm off

1289
00:56:49,118 --> 00:56:51,117
in one bite

1290
00:56:51,118 --> 00:56:55,117
if you are foolish enough
to try and feed the beast

1291
00:56:55,118 --> 00:57:03,117
her Mountain of pork cracklings
and one slim-fast candy bar.

1292
00:57:03,118 --> 00:57:06,118
[Laughter]

1293
00:57:08,118 --> 00:57:09,117
- Oh, my God.

1294
00:57:09,118 --> 00:57:12,117
- Rozilla!

1295
00:57:12,118 --> 00:57:16,117
Stomping through Hollywood
for decades,

1296
00:57:16,118 --> 00:57:20,117
breathing fire
from her hairy snout,

1297
00:57:20,118 --> 00:57:23,117
burning bridge after bridge,

1298
00:57:23,118 --> 00:57:28,117
her glowing red eyes
striking terror in the heart

1299
00:57:28,118 --> 00:57:31,117
of anyone unfortunate enough

1300
00:57:31,118 --> 00:57:34,118
to look
in her hideous face.

1301
00:57:37,118 --> 00:57:41,117
- Oh, my God.

1302
00:57:41,118 --> 00:57:47,117
- Her gnarled, cow-like hooves

1303
00:57:47,118 --> 00:57:53,117
crushing and destroying
everything in her path,

1304
00:57:53,118 --> 00:57:58,117
stopping only to feed
every 10 minutes

1305
00:57:58,118 --> 00:58:06,117
and make one sitcom decades ago.

1306
00:58:06,118 --> 00:58:11,117
Her rolls of fat,
swaying and crashing

1307
00:58:11,118 --> 00:58:16,117
like a Japanese moo-nami.

1308
00:58:16,118 --> 00:58:19,118
[Laughter]

1309
00:58:22,118 --> 00:58:24,117
Let me just stop for a second

1310
00:58:24,118 --> 00:58:30,118
and--and go on the record
about moo-namis.

1311
00:58:32,118 --> 00:58:37,117
One should never speak
about moo-namis.

1312
00:58:37,118 --> 00:58:41,117
One should never joke
about moo-namis,

1313
00:58:41,118 --> 00:58:44,117
and most important of all,

1314
00:58:44,118 --> 00:58:48,117
one should never tweet
about moo-namis.

1315
00:58:48,118 --> 00:58:51,118
[Cheers and applause]

1316
00:58:53,118 --> 00:58:57,117
But if one were to tweet
about a moo-nami,

1317
00:58:57,118 --> 00:59:01,117
he's probably learned his lesson
by now

1318
00:59:01,118 --> 00:59:06,117
and should get
his endorsement deal back.

1319
00:59:06,118 --> 00:59:08,117
[Cheers and applause]

1320
00:59:08,118 --> 00:59:14,117
So he won't have to keep doing
these horrible fucking roasts!

1321
00:59:14,118 --> 00:59:18,117
[Cheers and applause]

1322
00:59:18,118 --> 00:59:21,117
Rozilla!

1323
00:59:21,118 --> 00:59:25,117
Or, as she's known in Tokyo,

1324
00:59:25,118 --> 00:59:27,117
rozilla!

1325
00:59:27,118 --> 00:59:30,118
[Laughter]

1326
00:59:32,118 --> 00:59:35,117
Tonight, it's our chance

1327
00:59:35,118 --> 00:59:39,117
to end the reign
of rozilla forever.

1328
00:59:39,118 --> 00:59:43,117
And don't forget about the tail:

1329
00:59:43,118 --> 00:59:46,117
Powerful enough to sweep
an entire ox

1330
00:59:46,118 --> 00:59:50,117
into her throbbing colon.

1331
00:59:50,118 --> 00:59:54,117
People always forget
about the tail.

1332
00:59:54,118 --> 00:59:57,117
They say, "let's get rozilla."

1333
00:59:57,118 --> 01:00:00,117
I say,
"but what about the tail?"

1334
01:00:00,118 --> 01:00:03,117
They never remember the tail.

1335
01:00:03,118 --> 01:00:06,118
[Laughter]

1336
01:00:09,118 --> 01:00:13,117
Those people have paid
the ultimate price.

1337
01:00:13,118 --> 01:00:17,117
And if all else fails,
remember, good people:

1338
01:00:17,118 --> 01:00:20,117
Blame it on the Jews!

1339
01:00:20,118 --> 01:00:24,117
[Laughter]

1340
01:00:24,118 --> 01:00:27,117
And now for some jokes.

1341
01:00:27,118 --> 01:00:31,117
A drunken farmer
stumbles upstairs

1342
01:00:31,118 --> 01:00:36,117
into his bedroom,
waking his wife, roseanne.

1343
01:00:36,118 --> 01:00:42,117
She sits up and sees her husband
holding a sheep under his arm.

1344
01:00:42,118 --> 01:00:47,910
The farmer yells, "this is
the pig I've been fuckin'."

1345
01:00:47,911 --> 01:00:53,117
Roseanne says, "you idiot!
That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

1346
01:00:53,118 --> 01:00:56,117
The farmer yells,
"shut the fuck up.

1347
01:00:56,118 --> 01:00:58,117
I was talking to the sheep."

1348
01:00:58,118 --> 01:01:01,118
[Cheers and applause]

1349
01:01:07,118 --> 01:01:08,117
Thank you!

1350
01:01:08,118 --> 01:01:09,117
Good night!

1351
01:01:09,118 --> 01:01:12,118
[Cheers and applause]

1352
01:01:15,118 --> 01:01:17,117
- Excellent.
Excellent.

1353
01:01:17,118 --> 01:01:20,118
[Cheers and applause]

1354
01:01:32,838 --> 01:01:35,837
[Cheers and applause]

1355
01:01:35,838 --> 01:01:38,837
An icon, a superstar,

1356
01:01:38,838 --> 01:01:41,837
and a woman whose balls
are as big as her mouth.

1357
01:01:41,838 --> 01:01:43,837
Roseanne changed
the face of television,

1358
01:01:43,838 --> 01:01:46,837
then changed her face.

1359
01:01:46,838 --> 01:01:48,837
She's told so many people
to kiss her ass,

1360
01:01:48,838 --> 01:01:51,837
it could take into
the next decade to get it done!

1361
01:01:51,838 --> 01:01:54,837
Now let's finally let her do
what she does best:

1362
01:01:54,838 --> 01:01:56,837
Tell everybody to go
fuck themselves!

1363
01:01:56,838 --> 01:01:58,837
Ladies and gentlemen,
roseanne!

1364
01:01:58,838 --> 01:02:01,838
[Cheers and applause]

1365
01:02:06,838 --> 01:02:09,837
- Hey, thank you.

1366
01:02:09,838 --> 01:02:11,838
Thank you.

1367
01:02:14,838 --> 01:02:16,837
Thanks a lot.

1368
01:02:16,838 --> 01:02:19,837
Greetings, roseanne-archists.

1369
01:02:19,838 --> 01:02:22,838
[Cheers and applause]

1370
01:02:24,838 --> 01:02:26,837
I just want to say
to all of my peers,

1371
01:02:26,838 --> 01:02:28,837
when comedy central calls you

1372
01:02:28,838 --> 01:02:30,837
and tells you
they wanna honor you--

1373
01:02:30,838 --> 01:02:33,837
and they will--

1374
01:02:33,838 --> 01:02:36,837
just hang the fuck up.

1375
01:02:36,838 --> 01:02:40,837
I got a dais half full
of fuckin' losers.

1376
01:02:40,838 --> 01:02:43,837
I've seen people in front
of home depot

1377
01:02:43,838 --> 01:02:45,837
less desperate for work.

1378
01:02:45,838 --> 01:02:48,837
[Laughter]

1379
01:02:48,838 --> 01:02:52,837
All I know is I better
get my goddamn parking validated

1380
01:02:52,838 --> 01:02:55,837
or some asshole's
gettin' fired!

1381
01:02:55,838 --> 01:02:58,838
[Cheers and applause]

1382
01:03:01,838 --> 01:03:05,837
Where the hell are the stars?

1383
01:03:05,838 --> 01:03:10,837
Christ, I must have pissed off
everybody I've ever known.

1384
01:03:10,838 --> 01:03:13,837
I had a number one network show,

1385
01:03:13,838 --> 01:03:15,837
I was in a movie
with meryl streep,

1386
01:03:15,838 --> 01:03:18,837
and I get Amy fuckin' schumer?

1387
01:03:18,838 --> 01:03:21,837
[Laughter]

1388
01:03:21,838 --> 01:03:23,837
Meryl streep won three oscars.

1389
01:03:23,838 --> 01:03:26,837
This bitch came in fourth
on <i>last comic standing.</i>

1390
01:03:26,838 --> 01:03:31,837
[Cheers and applause]

1391
01:03:31,838 --> 01:03:34,837
- Thank you for your votes.

1392
01:03:34,838 --> 01:03:36,837
- But I guess you people
are the only ones

1393
01:03:36,838 --> 01:03:39,838
who can take
the roseanne retort.

1394
01:03:40,838 --> 01:03:44,837
Since I am the meanest,
baddest bitch on earth!

1395
01:03:44,838 --> 01:03:46,837
[Cheers and applause]

1396
01:03:46,838 --> 01:03:47,837
Thank you.

1397
01:03:47,838 --> 01:03:49,837
[Chuckles]

1398
01:03:49,838 --> 01:03:51,837
And that is the reason why
I am running

1399
01:03:51,838 --> 01:03:55,837
for president of these goddamn
United States of America!

1400
01:03:55,838 --> 01:03:57,837
[Cheers and applause]

1401
01:03:57,838 --> 01:03:58,837
That's right.

1402
01:03:58,838 --> 01:04:01,837
Put that in your fuckin' pipe
and smoke it,

1403
01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:04,838
you honky motherfuckers!

1404
01:04:06,838 --> 01:04:08,837
Obama will get my weed

1405
01:04:08,838 --> 01:04:11,837
when he pries it out
of my cold dead fingers!

1406
01:04:11,838 --> 01:04:14,838
[Cheers and applause]

1407
01:04:16,838 --> 01:04:19,838
Thank God for Jane lynch.

1408
01:04:21,838 --> 01:04:24,837
You are one ferocious bitch.

1409
01:04:24,838 --> 01:04:25,837
I love you so much.

1410
01:04:25,838 --> 01:04:28,837
The most revolutionary character
on television.

1411
01:04:28,838 --> 01:04:29,837
- Thank you.

1412
01:04:29,838 --> 01:04:31,837
- But I hate you
because you are thin.

1413
01:04:31,838 --> 01:04:36,837
But I guess I'd be thin too
if all I ever ate was pussy.

1414
01:04:36,838 --> 01:04:39,838
[Laughter]

1415
01:04:44,838 --> 01:04:46,837
But I love that about you,
I really do.

1416
01:04:46,838 --> 01:04:48,837
Ellen barkin, wow!

1417
01:04:48,838 --> 01:04:52,837
I thought you were dead!

1418
01:04:52,838 --> 01:04:53,838
Sweet!

1419
01:04:56,838 --> 01:04:59,837
So glad to see ya.

1420
01:04:59,838 --> 01:05:02,837
When I said I wanted
that butchy blonde named Ellen,

1421
01:05:02,838 --> 01:05:05,837
I meant degeneres!

1422
01:05:05,838 --> 01:05:07,837
Carrie fisher!

1423
01:05:07,838 --> 01:05:10,837
The literary voice
of a generation,

1424
01:05:10,838 --> 01:05:12,837
I'm your biggest fan.

1425
01:05:12,838 --> 01:05:13,837
What a career you've had:

1426
01:05:13,838 --> 01:05:16,837
Actress, writer, drug mule.

1427
01:05:16,838 --> 01:05:18,837
[Laughter]

1428
01:05:18,838 --> 01:05:20,837
Seth green,
I don't wanna overlook you,

1429
01:05:20,838 --> 01:05:24,837
which is easy for anyone
over five feet tall.

1430
01:05:24,838 --> 01:05:27,837
Jane lynch has vibrators
bigger than you, Seth.

1431
01:05:27,838 --> 01:05:29,837
[Laughter]

1432
01:05:29,838 --> 01:05:30,837
- Figure you do.

1433
01:05:30,838 --> 01:05:34,837
The only difference is
they can give a woman an orgasm!

1434
01:05:34,838 --> 01:05:38,837
[Cheers and applause]

1435
01:05:38,838 --> 01:05:40,837
Wayne Brady!

1436
01:05:40,838 --> 01:05:43,837
You have single-handedly
redefined improv

1437
01:05:43,838 --> 01:05:45,837
by scripting it.

1438
01:05:45,838 --> 01:05:48,838
[Laughter]

1439
01:05:49,838 --> 01:05:52,837
You can do anything with
an audience suggestion.

1440
01:05:52,838 --> 01:05:54,837
Here's one for you.

1441
01:05:54,838 --> 01:05:56,837
Get the fuck off the stage!

1442
01:05:56,838 --> 01:05:59,837
[Laughter]

1443
01:05:59,838 --> 01:06:00,837
- Oh.

1444
01:06:00,838 --> 01:06:01,837
Amy schumer.

1445
01:06:01,838 --> 01:06:04,837
Hey, thanks for reinforcing
the stereotype

1446
01:06:04,838 --> 01:06:05,837
that women ain't funny.

1447
01:06:05,838 --> 01:06:08,837
[Laughter]

1448
01:06:08,838 --> 01:06:10,837
Actually, I guess
I loved your set.

1449
01:06:10,838 --> 01:06:12,837
I think you're fuckin' great.

1450
01:06:12,838 --> 01:06:13,837
I loved it.

1451
01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:15,837
[Cheers and applause]

1452
01:06:15,838 --> 01:06:18,837
Amy schumer.

1453
01:06:18,838 --> 01:06:21,837
Anthony jeselnik!

1454
01:06:21,838 --> 01:06:24,837
You know the difference between
Anthony and a gay porn actor?

1455
01:06:24,838 --> 01:06:26,837
Well, judging by your looks

1456
01:06:26,838 --> 01:06:27,837
and how much you sucked tonight,

1457
01:06:27,838 --> 01:06:28,837
none!

1458
01:06:28,838 --> 01:06:31,837
[Laughter]

1459
01:06:31,838 --> 01:06:33,837
Oh!

1460
01:06:33,838 --> 01:06:35,837
Jeff Ross.

1461
01:06:35,838 --> 01:06:37,837
Jeff Ross is
to third-rate comedians

1462
01:06:37,838 --> 01:06:43,837
what Kim Kardashian
is to no-talent fame whores:

1463
01:06:43,838 --> 01:06:46,837
A hero!

1464
01:06:46,838 --> 01:06:49,837
[Cheers and applause]

1465
01:06:49,838 --> 01:06:51,837
Gilbert gottfried.

1466
01:06:51,838 --> 01:06:54,837
You know the difference
between Gilbert's voice

1467
01:06:54,838 --> 01:06:58,837
and a sandpaper dildo?

1468
01:06:58,838 --> 01:07:01,837
Do you?

1469
01:07:01,838 --> 01:07:03,837
After 20 minutes,

1470
01:07:03,838 --> 01:07:06,837
you might start
enjoying the dildo.

1471
01:07:06,838 --> 01:07:09,837
[Laughter]

1472
01:07:09,838 --> 01:07:12,837
And hence the difference.

1473
01:07:12,838 --> 01:07:15,837
And last but not least,
tom Arnold.

1474
01:07:15,838 --> 01:07:18,837
I'd really like to thank tom
for showing up tonight.

1475
01:07:18,838 --> 01:07:20,837
It was very brave...

1476
01:07:20,838 --> 01:07:21,837
[Cheers and applause]

1477
01:07:21,838 --> 01:07:24,837
And he was very funny.

1478
01:07:24,838 --> 01:07:26,837
But Jesus Christ,
how many fuckin' jobs

1479
01:07:26,838 --> 01:07:28,837
do I have to get
for that guy?

1480
01:07:28,838 --> 01:07:31,838
[Cheers and applause]

1481
01:07:34,838 --> 01:07:35,837
This night has been one
of the greatest nights

1482
01:07:35,838 --> 01:07:37,837
of my life,

1483
01:07:37,838 --> 01:07:39,837
and that's not saying shit
for my life.

1484
01:07:39,838 --> 01:07:42,837
[Cheers and applause]

1485
01:07:42,838 --> 01:07:44,837
No, but it was a blast,
you guys.

1486
01:07:44,838 --> 01:07:47,837
Thank you to the audience, too,
laughin'.

1487
01:07:47,838 --> 01:07:49,837
[Cheers and applause]

1488
01:07:49,838 --> 01:07:51,837
There's nothin' better
than a good laugh,

1489
01:07:51,838 --> 01:07:53,837
nothing on earth.

1490
01:07:53,838 --> 01:07:56,837
And here is
the teachable moment tonight.

1491
01:07:56,838 --> 01:08:00,837
If I can bury my roiling,
boiling, ceaseless hatred

1492
01:08:00,838 --> 01:08:04,837
for the likes
of tom Arnold,

1493
01:08:04,838 --> 01:08:08,837
maybe there's a chance
that we can have world peace,

1494
01:08:08,838 --> 01:08:09,837
ladies and gentlemen.

1495
01:08:09,838 --> 01:08:12,838
[Cheers and applause]

1496
01:08:14,838 --> 01:08:15,837
But the truth is,

1497
01:08:15,838 --> 01:08:19,837
I would gladly give up
even that dream

1498
01:08:19,838 --> 01:08:22,837
if I could just sing.

1499
01:08:22,838 --> 01:08:26,837
[Cheers and applause]

1500
01:08:26,838 --> 01:08:40,837
♪ O'er the land of the free ♪

1501
01:08:40,838 --> 01:08:44,837
♪ and the home

1502
01:08:44,838 --> 01:08:47,837
♪ of the

1503
01:08:47,838 --> 01:08:52,837
♪ brave!

1504
01:08:52,838 --> 01:08:55,838
[Cheers and applause]

1505
01:08:57,838 --> 01:08:59,838
[Whistle tweeting]

1506
01:09:27,420 --> 01:09:30,419
And about to be kicked out
of their house.

1507
01:09:30,420 --> 01:09:34,962
Roseanne's husband says,
"what are we gonna do?"

1508
01:09:34,963 --> 01:09:37,419
Roseanne says, "I can help,"

1509
01:09:37,420 --> 01:09:41,419
and she leads him
to a trunk filled with cash.

1510
01:09:41,420 --> 01:09:47,419
It's $500,000.05.

1511
01:09:47,420 --> 01:09:52,419
Roseanne's husband says, "where
did you get all this money?"

1512
01:09:52,420 --> 01:09:57,419
Roseanne says, "I've been
working as a prostitute."

1513
01:09:57,420 --> 01:10:02,419
Roseanne's husband then says,
"who gave you the five cents?"

1514
01:10:02,420 --> 01:10:05,219
Roseanne says, "all of 'em!"

1515
01:10:05,220 --> 01:10:06,720
[Laughter]