1 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,520 Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell, 2 00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:11,960 in which she complains that they paved Paradise to put up a parking lot, 3 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:17,880 a measure which, actually, would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of Paradise, 4 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:24,640 something which Joni fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn't fit her blinkered view of the world. 5 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:29,080 It's 4.35am. You're listening to Up With The Partridge. 6 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,600 COCK CROWS 7 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,520 Now it's time for Alan's fact of the day. 8 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,000 Crabsticks do not actually contain any crab. 9 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:46,000 Since 1993, manufacturers have had to label them "crab-flavoured sticks". 10 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,560 Another one of those same time tomorrow. 11 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:53,160 Radio Norwich! The best music! 12 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:57,560 Pray silence, please, for the Electric Light Orchestra! 13 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:08,360 The string back gives you a bit of extra purchase. 14 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:13,600 Time to hand over to mein breakfast host David Clifton. ..Good morning. 15 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,280 Good morning, Mr Alan Partridge. 16 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,480 I heard your phone-in. 17 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:23,000 That chap from Swaffham was whacky. He was. 18 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,640 I think he was a bit simple. 19 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:33,720 You were laying into the criminals. Vandals get your car again? 'Fraid so. Third time. Subhuman scum. 20 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:40,520 ..OK, it's 7am. Wakey, wakey, it's The Breakfast Show! Here's Yazoo. 21 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:54,440 Lynn, message from Alan. Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. 22 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,000 Idea for film extravaganza. Plot thus... 23 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:04,520 Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future, being pursued by a cyberpunk from the past, 24 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,040 played by Rutger Hauer. 25 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,480 This is a terrible idea... 26 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:13,680 I've not thought it through. I'll call you back. 27 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:17,480 28 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,840 29 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:26,040 Good morning, Alan. How are you today? Classic Queen! 30 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:30,760 Very well. How are you? Fine. Like those earrings. 31 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:36,040 They gold? Yes, rolled gold. That's not really gold, is it? Very nice. 32 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:40,480 They're like little wax tears dripping sadly from your ears. 33 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:45,160 ..Don't cry, ears. You're on the side of a lovely head. 34 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:50,240 Good show this morning? It was a belter. Did you hear it? No. 35 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,000 Oh. Any messages? 36 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:58,400 Just the one - from Bill Oddie. He leave a message? No. He never does. 37 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,240 I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. Oh? 38 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:08,440 I'm leaving you, YOU COW! Sorry, bit of a joke that. It backfired. 39 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,320 I'm going to be checking out at the end of the week. 40 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:16,320 Are you going back to your wife? Carol? Oh, God, no! 41 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:20,120 She's living with the fitness instructor. 42 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:24,200 He provides all her sexual... intercourse. 43 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,960 Sorry, I'm... Dry skin. I'm flaking again. 44 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:33,640 I'm sorry about the "cow" earlier. You're not a cow. 45 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:38,120 And if you were, you'd be a lovely Jersey, ripe for milking. 46 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:43,400 ..Just talking about cows. D'you like milk? No. 47 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,560 Actually, a delicate matter... PHONE RINGS 48 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,320 Excuse me. ..Sophie, could you deal with this? 49 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:57,280 Sophie... Mr Partridge. As you know, at the end of the week, I'm meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC. 50 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,480 And he is Mr Numero...One. 51 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,720 The problem is I've got some rude daubings on my car. 52 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:11,320 Can you still drive the car? Well, yeah, obv... That's... Do you know what it says on my car? 53 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,560 Tosser? 54 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,360 No. 55 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,520 No, it's... You're in the right ball park. 56 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:25,000 It actually says "cock piss Partridge". 57 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,560 Is everything all right? 58 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,960 Mr Partridge, em... 59 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:37,680 has got some rude graffiti on... 60 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,640 Graffiti? In the hotel? 61 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:48,240 No, there's never any graffiti here, though in the gents I saw someone had drawn a lady's part. 62 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,760 It was quite detailed. 63 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,760 The guy obviously had talent. 64 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,440 No, it's on the side of my car. 65 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:04,160 It says "cock piss Partridge", which is illegal. Is she new? 66 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:10,960 Yes, she is. I mean, I'm basically driving an obscene publication. I'd love to get the bastard, 67 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:16,800 or bitch - might be a lady. Can I take five minutes? Of course. 68 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:21,920 Nipping off for a fag? I'll get Michael to sort your car. OK. 69 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,840 ..Talk of the devil. Morning. 70 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:29,280 Michael, I was just saying to Susan - bit of a job for you. 71 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:33,040 Vandals have sworn all over my car again. 72 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:38,320 Vandals, Mr Partridge - makes you wonder what it's all aboot. "Aboot"? 73 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,920 Aye, what is it all aboot? 74 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:47,640 Oh, "about"! Sometimes, it's difficult to understand Geordie...people. 75 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:52,240 If they had theirselves proper jobs, they wouldn't be larking at night. 76 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,480 What? 77 00:05:55,680 --> 00:06:02,480 If they had theirselves proper jobs, they wouldn't dae it. A lot of them's from broken homes. 78 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,000 Sorry, that was just a noise. 79 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:12,240 All I got there was "broken homes". A broken home is not an excuse for evil. Look at you. 80 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:19,120 Do you go around drawing peep-hole bras on the wall? Aye, but it was different for me, like - 81 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:26,280 I was in the Army at 17. They taught you a trade - minor repairs. Aye...and killing. 82 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,480 Really? Oh, aye. 83 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:37,840 I saw some terrible things. Like three men burning in a tank, going, "Aaargh!"? You don't want to know. 84 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:46,120 I'm curious. I'd basically like to understand man's inhumanity to man and make a programme about it. 85 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:53,000 Anyway, regarding the graffiti, if you could, uh... 86 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:59,720 kill that, then I'll see you reet, me old fishy on a dishy. 87 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:05,960 I'll do, like, a quick fix on it now... You've gone again. Good night. 88 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:16,480 Idea for a programme - Lady Shapes With Alan Partridge. 89 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:20,960 I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages, 90 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:26,640 from fat Renaissance chubbies to hard-faced Cromwellian sourpusses, 91 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:33,360 right up to 20th-century well-toned women like Sharron Davies and Jet from Gladiators. 92 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:45,400 Jet from Gladiators to host a Millennium barn dance at Yeovil Aerodrome. 93 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:55,160 Properly policed, it must not, repeat not, turn into an all-night rave. 94 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,120 DANCE MUSIC 95 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,360 Would you like me to lap dance? 96 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,920 Uh-uh. I want a second series. 97 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,880 KNOCKING 98 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,560 I'll fight you! ..Sorry. 99 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,840 It's me. Sorry. Come in. 100 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:28,320 Just me. Oh, there's tea in the pot. Oh, good. 101 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:31,440 Do you want a cup? Thank you. 102 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:41,240 What have you got? I've arranged for you to see a show house at 10.00 Good. Got my fungal foot powder? 103 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,320 It's a life-saver, you know. 104 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:49,800 I'd effectively be disabled without it. I also rang all those companies. 105 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:57,480 Foster's Menswear said yes, if you get the second series and you wear one garment a week on air. 106 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:02,560 Monza said no to a caravan, but yes to a towbar. I'll take it. 107 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:10,280 Dolphin Bathrooms? Said they don't do that sort of thing. Rubbish! Martyn Lewis got two power showers. 108 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:14,280 One for him and one for his brother-in-law. 109 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:19,280 Right, dry skin cream. Having an attack of the old flakes again. 110 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:23,320 This morning, my pillow looked like a flapjack. 111 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:32,480 OK, quick practice for this meeting with Tony Hayers this Friday. Oh. You be Tony Hayers. 112 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,920 Hello, Tony, how are you? I'm fine. 113 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:43,920 How are you? Very busy. I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. 114 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,160 But, er, a happy one, you know? 115 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:51,440 Would you like a second series of your chat show? 116 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:58,760 It'll be tougher than that. We might give you a second series. That's about right. Oh. 117 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:03,280 Small talk. Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony? Yes, please. 118 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,200 Rolled on the thighs of a virgin. 119 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,640 I'm being bawdy. Enjoy it. 120 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:13,120 Uh... Mmm... 121 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:19,040 Well, er, he might make that noise. Be a bit weird. 122 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:26,600 You said you MIGHT give me a second series. Why is there any doubt? Things have to be compartmentalised. 123 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,480 For example, in this drawer... 124 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:42,280 ..you, er...you have, er, things, and, sometimes, you have too many things. 125 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:46,040 Abandon that, Lynn. It's not working. 126 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:52,760 OK, Doomsday scenario. You have decided not to give me another television series. Why? 127 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:59,640 Be tough. Well, Alan, the ratings for the first series started poorly and went downhill from there. 128 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,680 Are you being Lynn or Tony? 129 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,680 Tony. Be Lynn again. 130 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:13,600 Can I have a second series? Who am I? Just say yes. Yes. 131 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,560 They were there when I moved in. 132 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:24,120 'From Swaffham to Cromer on 106.5 and now in Hemsby on 106.9, 133 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,760 'this is Radio Norwich.' 134 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,400 Living room. 135 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:37,720 Oh, I like this, yes. Certainly enough room to swing a cat. You could swing a tiger. You could. 136 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,840 Wouldn't want to, though. 137 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:46,320 Not unless it had been stunned. Even then, it weighs nearly a ton. 138 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:50,240 ..Do you like the room? Oh, yes, very nice. 139 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:54,040 Lynn's not my wife. Oh... She's my PA. 140 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,880 Hard worker, but there's no affection. 141 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,240 So you'd be living alone? Yes. 142 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:06,200 The best thing I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife. 143 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:13,720 She's living with a fitness instructor who drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot. 144 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:21,600 Is there a Neighbourhood Watch? Sorry, I'm very close to you. I think so. Right, I'll do my stint. 145 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:28,280 I'd want expenses, though. Otherwise, people take liberties and you're mowing their lawn. 146 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:32,640 Shall we have a look at the rest of the house? Yep. 147 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:36,000 Er, one more question. 148 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,640 Quite nearby, I saw a community centre with a mural on the side. 149 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:47,320 School for the deaf. Right. That means there will be noise or there won't be noise? 150 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:53,360 Difficult one to figure out. Yeah. They're just deaf? They're not deaf offenders? Just deaf. 151 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,480 After you. 152 00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:04,680 ..Not you. Get on the phone. Pester Debenhams for free lamps, shades, whatever you can blag off them. 153 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:11,600 This is the kitchen. Oh, lovely. Has it been distressed? Yeah, it has. 154 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:19,720 A cast-iron egg tray, lacquered. Is that included? It's not a deal-breaker. Just want to know. 155 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:23,560 Everything here can be kept or not. Excellent. 156 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,880 Optional. Excellent. 157 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,600 What's this little sink here? 158 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,520 That's a rinser. Get rid of it. 159 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:39,360 This is the bathroom. You know what this room says to me? Aqua - which is French for water. 160 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:45,480 It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint, which again, to me, is a bonus. 161 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,040 It's an extender! 162 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:52,280 Fantastic! That's the icing on the cake. 163 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:59,040 If King Arthur had had an extender on his table... It would have been a different story 164 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,760 It wouldn't have been round. 165 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:09,880 Very Cluedo this house. Colonel Mustard in the en-suite bathroom with a lead pipe. Battered. 166 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:16,560 I do like that toilet. It's very futuristic, very sort of hi-tech, space age. 167 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:21,960 I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that in the 21st century. 168 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:25,600 Mind if I, er, have a go? 169 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,640 Sure. Help yourself. 170 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,680 Mind if I have a go on the loo? Oh, sorry. 171 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,600 I prefer to go alone. Sure. Fine. 172 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,920 Most times. Thanks. 173 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:51,640 It flushed on the first yank. I love this house. Alan... One yank - gone. 174 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:56,840 Tony Hayers's office called. They want the meeting today, 12.30. 175 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:04,000 When was this? Three minutes ago. What were you doing for three minutes? You were on the toilet. 176 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,160 Was I on that long? 177 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,200 In that area. 178 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:15,640 We're going to have to zip. Right. OK. ..One more question - petrol stations nearby? 179 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,800 Shell - quarter of a mile. Has it got a minimart? Minimart? 180 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:25,920 Scaled-down supermarket, fits inside a petrol station. Sells pies, antifreeze... Yes. 181 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,760 In that case, it's a deal. I'll take the house. 182 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:35,480 Are you going to make an offer? How much is it? It's on at £325,000. 183 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,280 Ooh... Will you take £324,000? 184 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,280 Yeah. 185 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,800 How many bedrooms has it got? Five. Five! 186 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:54,800 My five-bedroomed bastard house. ..Right, Lynn, let's go off to the BBC. 187 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:59,840 ..I'm going to be back on TV. Did you watch my TV show? Yes. Like it? 188 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:03,080 Love it. Ah-hah! 189 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:14,720 What if Tony Hayers sees "cook pass babtridge" painted on your car? I'll play it down. 190 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:19,080 "Partridge" I can understand, but then "cock" and "piss". 191 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,440 Table for two, sir? Yes... Sorry. Name of Hayers. 192 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,080 Follow me. 193 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:30,640 We've rectified it. It now says "cook" where it once said "cock", 194 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:35,320 and it says "pass" now, where it once said "piss", 195 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,640 so it's slightly less rude. 196 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,760 Would you like a drink? Thank you. 197 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:44,280 Em...I'll have a pint of bitter. 198 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,600 A mineral water for me, please. 199 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:53,840 Actually, I'll have a mineral water too. Will you be having wine with your meal? Not for me. No. 200 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:58,560 All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? 201 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:05,360 Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, a bit of white. Oh, that's a snazzy bouquet. 202 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:08,400 This smells of, I don't know, basil. 203 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:14,840 You want to say, "Sod all this wine. Give me a pint of mineral water." 204 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:21,480 I don't think wine's an elitist thing now. You can get good wine in Tesco's. 205 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:27,960 I'd love to make a genuinely popular wine programme. Can I shock you? I like wine. 206 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:34,600 Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time, I have nine bottles of wine at home. Really? 207 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,760 Interesting fact. It's my weakness. I've got a cellar. So have I. 208 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:46,640 There's no wine in it. A couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel and an old bag of cement gone hard. 209 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,120 Are you ready to order? 210 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:53,840 I'll have the fettucine all'arrabbiata, please. 211 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,160 Can I have the same, please? 212 00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:01,840 No, with different shaped pasta. What's that pasta in bows? 213 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:06,640 It's like a bow tie, but miniature. An Action Man bow tie. Farfalle. 214 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,400 Yeah. Farfalle. That with Action Man bow tie. 215 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,560 Anything else? 216 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:18,080 Yeah, I think I'll have some wine, actually. 217 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,520 Em... 218 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:25,360 No. Just give me half a bottle of Blue Nun, please. 219 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:35,320 I loved your article in the Guardian. Really? 220 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,640 I loved that clever phrase you used. 221 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,600 "Revolution, not evolution." 222 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,720 It was the opposite. "Evolution, not revolution." Whatever. 223 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,520 Because that is me. 224 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:53,320 Because I evolve, but I don't... 225 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,880 ..revolve. 226 00:18:55,880 --> 00:19:02,640 Or vice versa. What you're trying to say is you don't want another Chris Evans on your hands. 227 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,960 That IS what we want. I'm your man. 228 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:09,360 That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Alan - your career. 229 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:15,880 I see a lot of exciting opportunities ahead for you. This is music to my ears. 230 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:20,000 Whoa! What are you doing? Pouring the wine out. 231 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:25,280 Pour a little, let me sip it. I've already poured half. It's all right. 232 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,040 Fine. Fill her up. 233 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:46,120 Here's to our future at the BBC. You shouldn't see your future just at the BBC. 234 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:50,720 You should consider new pastures. Have I got a second series? 235 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,280 There's so many opportunities... Let me rephrase that. 236 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:59,280 Can I...? No, I'll just repeat it. Have I got a second series? 237 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,040 No. 238 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,640 Thanks. That's all I wanted to know. 239 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:10,120 Tony! Peter, how are you? ..Alan, this is Peter Linehan - he's revamping current affairs. 240 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,960 We haven't met, but I liked your chat show. 241 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:25,160 Thank you. Has he given you another series? No, he won't give me one. Give him another series, you swine! 242 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:28,160 Give me another series, you shit! 243 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:37,880 Look, Alan, I don't want you to feel... ..I'll see you later. 244 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:42,640 I don't want you to feel that the doors have all closed at the BBC. 245 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,720 If you come up with anything else, don't hesitate... 246 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,480 Would you like me to lap dance? 247 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,480 Blue Nun! 248 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:10,640 If you have any other ideas, don't hesitate... Got them here. Right... Right. OK. 249 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:17,360 Shoestring, Taggart, Bergerac, Morse - what does that say to you about regional detective series? 250 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:21,520 There's too many of them. That's one way of looking at it. 251 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:26,520 Another way is - people like them. Let's make some more of them. 252 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:31,080 A detective series based in Norwich called Swallow. 253 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:37,800 Swallow tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick. Not afraid to break the law if it's necessary... 254 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:44,480 Not a criminal, but he might travel at 80mph on the motorway if he wants to get somewhere quickly. 255 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,480 Think about it. 256 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,280 No-one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. 257 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:55,320 This will put Norwich on the map. Why would I want to do that? 258 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,600 Yeah. Fair point. 259 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,440 OK... Right. Alan Attack. 260 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,160 Like a slapstick Cook Report. 261 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,880 No. 262 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:11,160 Arm-Wrestling With Chas'n'Dave. I don't think so. Pity. They were keen on that one. 263 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,720 Right, you'll like this. 264 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:22,640 Knowing ME, Knowing You. I, Alan Partridge, talk to ME sufferers about their condition. 265 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:29,320 Intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted. Keep their energy up... 266 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:36,320 You don't like it? No. That's OK. Inner-City Sumo. What's that? 267 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:43,160 We get fat people from inner cities, dressed up in nappies, to throw each other out a circle... 268 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:49,160 That's a bad idea. Cheap. Do it in a pub car park. Sky will do it. 269 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:53,680 I'll live with that. Is that it? Well, no... No... 270 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,520 Cooking In Prison. Oh, no! 271 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,640 A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons. What's that? 272 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,400 It's just a title. 273 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:11,520 Opening shot - me in Trafalgar Square, feeding the pigeons... 274 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,720 I'm sorry. No. Stop. 275 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:17,120 Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank. 276 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:18,840 No! 277 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,720 Monkey Tennis. 278 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:34,480 No second series. I've listened to your ideas, all of them, and I haven't liked a single one. 279 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,200 Tony, I've just bought a house. 280 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:42,120 It's got a Buck Rogers toilet. One yank, all gone. 281 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:48,640 We don't owe you a living. You have a proven record for making mostly bad television programmes. 282 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,160 That's bollocks. 283 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,640 No, it's not bollocks. 284 00:23:53,640 --> 00:24:01,920 Your programmes were appalling. They started badly and got worse... They started badly and got worse... 285 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,880 Your programmes, your programmes... 286 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,520 You're making a fool of yourself. Ooooh! 287 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,920 Ooooh! 288 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,960 Who do you think you are? 289 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:20,000 Unfortunately for you, I am BBC TV's chief commissioning editor. 290 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,880 Oh, let's forget about all this. 291 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,280 You want some cheese? No, thank you. 292 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:34,760 It's quite nice. Mmm. Smells. Want to smell it? No, thanks. Smell it. 293 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,960 I don't want to. Smell my cheese! 294 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,040 Smell my cheese! That's enough! 295 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,280 I've got cheese. This is cheese. 296 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,080 BBC! 297 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:57,320 Haven't you got programmes to make? No, you're on the BBC gravy train. 298 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,560 Wish I was. ..Take this cheese. 299 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,000 How did it go? A bit badly. Oh. 300 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,000 It's smelly. It's got walnuts in. Let's go. 301 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,480 I wasn't expecting that, Lynn. 302 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:20,480 That was a negative and right now I need two positives. 303 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:26,920 One to cancel out the negative and another just so I can have a positive. 304 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,440 Oh, my God! 305 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:37,600 You know one can find some strength when you're at your bleakest moments 306 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:42,440 if you open yourself... I'm not coming to your Baptist church! 307 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:46,280 You always get people when they're down. 308 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:52,360 I don't want salvation. I just want to be able to say... "I'm Alan Partridge. 309 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:56,880 "Join me tonight when my guests will be Chris Rea..." 310 00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:01,280 Actually, he lives in the area. Could've had him over. 311 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:08,640 "All right, Chris?" "Hello, Alan. Just moved in?" "Yes, last week. Want to come to my barbecue?" 312 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:15,040 "Love to. Can I bring my guitar?" "Rather you didn't. Not that kind of area. 313 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:22,120 "You like mini Kievs?" "Love 'em, but my wife's vegetarian." "She can have fish." "She won't eat fish." 314 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,320 "Oh, forget it! 315 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,520 "You people!" 316 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:31,200 Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me. 317 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:38,560 They may have nice Tudorette houses, but can they order Irish coffee at 3am and get it in their room? No. 318 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:39,360 I can! 319 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:42,720 I'm off. I'll drop you at a cab rank. 320 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,400 RADIO: "Jet" by Wings 321 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:04,280 Hi. Can I have an Irish coffee delivered to the room, please? 322 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:06,880 Well, tea? 323 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,680 Er, right. Can of Fanta? 324 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,960 Minibar. 325 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,200 326 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,400 327 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,880 328 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:30,400 the funny faces... 329 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,080 Right. Mini bar. 330 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:37,120 you're gonna be marrying soon... 331 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:48,440 Kate Bush, lovely Kate Bush with The Man With The Child In His Eyes, 332 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:51,880 which brings us on to my next guest, 333 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:56,040 Stephen Bray, whose father invented Catseyes. 334 00:27:56,040 --> 00:28:01,160 What was it like being the son of the man who invented Catseyes? 335 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:05,280 Well, I remember he came home from work, very excited... 336 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:10,120 Did he ever turn the lights off and run towards you with a torch, 337 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:15,960 looking for a reflection? That's what he was interested in. 338 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:21,320 Have to interrupt you there. It's time for Alan's fact of the day. 339 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:25,440 Most corn flakes come from the USA. Another of those tomorrow. 340 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:29,720 I hit a fox once, yes, in the Peak District. 341 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,680 I saw the reflection in its eyes. It was too late of course. 342 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:38,800 I didn't quite kill him. I had to go and finish him off with the jack. 343 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,920 This is Huey Lewis and the News. 344 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:45,320 No, it's not. It's Kate Bush. 345 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:50,240 Huey Lewis. Oh, Christ! Sorry. COCK CROWS No. Sorry about that.