1 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:11,600 Look, I know how much you hate the idea of Celia and I being an item. 2 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,640 It was moment of madness. 3 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,080 One too many glasses of rose, the red mist descends and, 4 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:21,240 before you know it, you're giving an old friend a... knee-trembler. 5 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,840 Right, stop the car. 6 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,640 Pull over. 7 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:30,920 I miss the touch of a woman, Alf. Celia made me feel so alive. 8 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,000 Her eyes, her touch, her musk. 9 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,760 If it's any consolation, it didn't last long. 10 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,440 She gave my prostate the once-over. Apparently, it's tip-top. 11 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,400 Hey, Rosie! I, er, got you a little present. 12 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,120 Oh, friendship bracelet? 13 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,720 It's just a silly little thing, 14 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,800 to remind you that I'll always be here for you, 15 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,160 no matter what, for ever more. 16 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,320 It's no biggie. 17 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,520 You cut it off, I die. 18 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,080 Thanks. 19 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,560 Oh, erm, Celia, Fraser's giving the drugs counsellor a lift, 20 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:36,720 and they're stuck on the M25, so we might need a back-up plan. 21 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,680 It's drugs awareness day? AKA doss day! 22 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:43,120 Show the kids a couple of pictures of a dead junkie, and then chill out. 23 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,920 Well, I've actually prepared a proper presentation on drugs... 24 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,760 Oh, no, Rosie. It's a chore. 25 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,880 Leave it to the most senior member of staff. 26 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,280 No, it's fine, Celia. I'm going to talk about drug mules, 27 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,160 and the Taliban, and the US government... 28 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,120 Woo, yeah! You go, sister! 29 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,160 I blame Starbucks. Mmm. 30 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,320 No, Israel. 31 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:02,920 Lizards? 32 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,160 Really, Rosie, take a well-earned break. 33 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,080 Read a fashion magazine. 34 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,240 Flesh tones can be so brutally honest. 35 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,560 I am fully equipped to give this talk. 36 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,320 Well, maybe you'd like to borrow a pair of these... 37 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,480 It's a talk, Celia, not Customs. 38 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,880 Well, it seems a shame for them to go to waste. 39 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,480 Alfred, I've already given your father's a once-over, 40 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:31,200 would you like me to test your prostate? 41 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,440 What's happened? 42 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:42,640 It's his parents. 43 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,920 They're taking me away from Abbey Grove. 44 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,800 They say it's not academical enough. 45 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,600 What? You... you can't leave! 46 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,840 Have your parents even seen the league tables? 47 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,800 What, the league tables in which we're ranked 48 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,720 below two orphanages and a kennels? 49 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,240 They want me to become some boring lawyer. 50 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,840 Sir, are you and Miss Gulliver cool at the mo? 51 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,760 Yeah. I mean, she's split up with Alex, and I reckon I've got 52 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,360 just about enough time to seduce her before she remembers her self-worth. 53 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,360 Going to give her a knob to cry on, sir? Oh, no, sorry, Mitchell. 54 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,800 I think your mum's consoling herself on it tonight. 55 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,120 Sir, can you ask Miss Gulliver 56 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,120 to persuade my parents to let me stay here? 57 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:17,960 Er, why can't I persuade them? 58 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,720 Cos you'll mess it up, sir. But I'm great with parents! 59 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,680 Every time you see my parents, you insist on taking your shoes off. 60 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,280 Yeah. And I bow. Respectful. 61 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,920 Oh, xie xie. Ni hao. 62 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,800 When my mum came in to talk about me bunking off school, 63 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,840 you asked her if you could use a clamp. 64 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,760 Yeah, well it's either that or putting the whole school on stilts. 65 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,960 But Miss Gulliver's really persuasive. 66 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,200 Persuasive? 67 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,800 Look, I'm sorry, if you want to be inspired to be a lawyer, 68 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,320 look no further, my friend. 69 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:50,040 Last year I took on BP, only one of the world's largest corporations, 70 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,960 and I thrashed them, on my own, in a court of law. 71 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,040 How much did you win? Well, I didn't win any actual money, 72 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,080 but you know the Wild Bean Cafe in Tring? 73 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:02,520 They now have to have a sign on their coffee machine which reads, 74 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,680 "Please do not drink directly from the nozzle." 75 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:13,160 So, my place tonight, hang out, listen to a bit of reggae music? 76 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,520 You don't like reggae. 77 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,640 Er, Ollie Murs? 78 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,520 Alfie, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to see anyone yet. 79 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,400 I wasn't asking you out! 80 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,800 Hey, if you need any help with your presentation, 81 00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:26,253 don't be afraid to ask, 82 00:04:26,293 --> 00:04:30,194 cos, obviously, I know quite a lot about drugs. 83 00:04:30,233 --> 00:04:34,093 You took one anti-depressant when you heard that 5ive had broken up. 84 00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:35,725 5ive'll make you get down. 85 00:04:35,765 --> 00:04:38,789 Yeah, well, you're still not that qualified. Oh, really? 86 00:04:38,829 --> 00:04:42,808 My friend Atticus Hoye once took me to a poppers den. 87 00:04:42,848 --> 00:04:46,072 You don't get a den for poppers. Well, that shows how much you know. 88 00:04:46,112 --> 00:04:48,858 All these naked guys injecting themselves with poppers 89 00:04:48,898 --> 00:04:51,325 by sitting on these big rubber needles. 90 00:04:51,365 --> 00:04:53,554 Atticus, he couldn't get enough of it. 91 00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:56,817 You know what they say, once you pop you just can't stop. 92 00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:02,138 So if you, er, change your mind about tonight...? 93 00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:03,938 I won't. Well, you might. 94 00:05:03,978 --> 00:05:06,418 I absolutely won't. Absolutely might. 95 00:05:10,296 --> 00:05:12,935 OK, guys, so there's going to be no history class today. 96 00:05:14,296 --> 00:05:16,534 I'm going to do my drugs presentation, 97 00:05:16,575 --> 00:05:19,293 followed by a question and answer. I got a question, Miss. Yep? 98 00:05:19,333 --> 00:05:22,693 Is it true police dogs can't smell skunk if you put it in a bottle of Femfresh? 99 00:05:22,733 --> 00:05:24,971 Yep. I sincerely doubt it. 100 00:05:25,011 --> 00:05:27,691 Oh, man! Does anyone want some Femfresh? 101 00:05:27,730 --> 00:05:29,210 Oh, yeah. I'll take it. 102 00:05:29,250 --> 00:05:31,251 My flat gets really smelly. 103 00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:33,050 Do you even know what Femfresh is? 104 00:05:33,090 --> 00:05:35,048 It's... like Febreze, right? 105 00:05:35,089 --> 00:05:37,209 Yeah, it makes your curtains smell nice! 106 00:05:38,808 --> 00:05:43,207 OK, guys. OK, calm down. That's enough. 107 00:05:48,846 --> 00:05:52,764 Now, can anyone ima... 108 00:05:52,805 --> 00:05:58,083 imagine how hard life must be for Maria, 109 00:05:58,122 --> 00:06:00,563 a drug mule from Mexico? 110 00:06:00,602 --> 00:06:01,962 Whoa, yeah! 111 00:06:02,002 --> 00:06:03,921 If I was eating Mexican food every day, 112 00:06:03,961 --> 00:06:06,321 I don't think I'd be able to keep ANYTHING in my ass. 113 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,200 What do people like Maria need? 114 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,079 Hair straighteners? Look at the split ends on that! 115 00:06:13,119 --> 00:06:15,919 True dat. And maybe some make-up to sort out this car crash. 116 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,318 No, no. 117 00:06:17,359 --> 00:06:20,357 What people like Maria need is our respect. 118 00:06:20,397 --> 00:06:22,956 Gs, Hustlers, crisis averted. 119 00:06:22,996 --> 00:06:25,715 Your drugs counsellor... has arrived! 120 00:06:25,755 --> 00:06:28,875 Oh, no, no, no, no, cos I'm in the middle of my drugs talk. 121 00:06:28,915 --> 00:06:30,233 Oh, that's very sweet, Miss G, 122 00:06:30,274 --> 00:06:32,434 but I have a professional up my wizard's sleeve! 123 00:06:32,474 --> 00:06:34,193 Guys, meet India. 124 00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:43,270 Namaste. 125 00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:45,470 I'm India. 126 00:06:45,510 --> 00:06:47,790 Hi. Alfie. 127 00:06:47,830 --> 00:06:50,749 Teacher, leader... 128 00:06:50,789 --> 00:06:52,109 legend. 129 00:06:53,188 --> 00:06:54,787 India, you say? 130 00:06:54,828 --> 00:06:56,668 Land of the pyramids. 131 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,827 I'm something of a sphinx-er myself. 132 00:06:58,866 --> 00:07:01,185 Sorry, did you just say 'sphinx-er'? 133 00:07:01,225 --> 00:07:04,625 OK, so I cotch for the drugs counselling service 134 00:07:04,665 --> 00:07:06,384 called Vibesline. 135 00:07:06,423 --> 00:07:07,863 We're an advice pipeline 136 00:07:07,903 --> 00:07:10,903 you can use to freebase non-judgmental advice... 137 00:07:10,943 --> 00:07:13,743 I'm sorry, can we lose the fat girl? 138 00:07:15,382 --> 00:07:17,821 Cartel got her. Buried in the ditch. 139 00:07:17,860 --> 00:07:20,660 Basically, if it's vibesing, 140 00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:23,180 chillax and ride the wave. 141 00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:26,659 She calls me that, too. 142 00:07:26,699 --> 00:07:30,298 It's Chinese for "leader of the blind," 143 00:07:30,337 --> 00:07:32,977 "up the great mountain of wisdom." 144 00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:36,376 Sort of... roughly. 145 00:07:36,417 --> 00:07:40,775 Thanks, babe. I'm here to talk to you about the dark side of drugs. 146 00:07:51,493 --> 00:07:54,090 OK, yah! You're having a massive night! 147 00:07:54,131 --> 00:07:58,330 The sun is coming up! You are totally chunged. 148 00:08:12,447 --> 00:08:14,126 But the good times are over. 149 00:08:14,166 --> 00:08:16,806 Now we have to deal with the terrible consequences 150 00:08:16,846 --> 00:08:18,285 of substance abuse. 151 00:08:19,805 --> 00:08:23,044 You can't find your Oyster card. It's a long walk back to Chiswick. 152 00:08:24,523 --> 00:08:27,883 You, you lost an earring your grandmother left you in her will. 153 00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:30,763 That is 45 minutes looking for it on your hands and knees, 154 00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,481 using your phone as a torch. 155 00:08:32,521 --> 00:08:34,040 And you... 156 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:37,119 you kissed the guy who runs the deli you go into every day. 157 00:08:37,159 --> 00:08:39,679 Fraser, this is nonsense. 158 00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:41,438 Nonsense? 159 00:08:41,478 --> 00:08:44,237 Mmm. FYI, you're a real NEGATUDE. 160 00:08:44,278 --> 00:08:45,718 Sorry, "negatude"? 161 00:08:45,758 --> 00:08:48,196 "Negative attitude." It's a mashup. 162 00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:50,276 Yeah, it's a mashup. 163 00:08:50,317 --> 00:08:52,515 Get with the times, Marple. 164 00:08:58,515 --> 00:09:00,834 That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. 165 00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:02,873 I actually thought India was kinda good. 166 00:09:02,913 --> 00:09:05,433 I'm talking about you. "Teacher, leader, legend." 167 00:09:05,472 --> 00:09:10,072 Oh, yeah, I forgot "visionary". Look, I just... got into her vibe. 168 00:09:10,111 --> 00:09:12,551 I know exactly what you want to get into. 169 00:09:12,591 --> 00:09:15,950 Are you jealous? Why would I be jealous of "Ind-jah"? 170 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:18,069 You sound JELICULOUS. 171 00:09:18,110 --> 00:09:21,309 "Jealous" and "ridiculous". Mashup. 172 00:09:21,349 --> 00:09:25,387 You should stop doing that. You're beginning to sound like a bit of a TWUNT. 173 00:09:27,627 --> 00:09:30,386 Oh, that is so uncalled-for! 174 00:09:30,426 --> 00:09:31,865 Hey! 175 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,505 Oh, soz, bit of a domestic? 176 00:09:33,544 --> 00:09:36,024 A domestic? No, we're not a couple. 177 00:09:36,064 --> 00:09:38,263 No, don't worry, I'm single. 178 00:09:38,303 --> 00:09:41,583 I'm young, dumb and full of com... 179 00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,542 fortable silences. 180 00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:45,822 Do you want to hit the canteen, maybe? 181 00:09:45,862 --> 00:09:47,900 Oh, it's pathetic. 182 00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:51,740 Come on, let's go and have a "lovely lunch", 183 00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:53,819 a LUNCH... 184 00:09:55,459 --> 00:09:57,858 It... it was meant to be a mashup... 185 00:09:57,897 --> 00:09:59,578 It's OK. OK. 186 00:10:03,217 --> 00:10:05,216 Yeah, I used to cane it pretty hard. 187 00:10:05,257 --> 00:10:08,535 Things got pretty messy in Ibiza. Which club? 188 00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:11,334 Club Med. I went on the water slides straight after lunch. 189 00:10:11,374 --> 00:10:13,135 My dad went ballistic. 190 00:10:13,174 --> 00:10:15,773 That was one frosty pedalo home. 191 00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:22,771 My parents don't want to talk to Miss Gulliver, sir, 192 00:10:22,811 --> 00:10:25,570 they only want to talk to you. Very sensible. 193 00:10:25,610 --> 00:10:28,330 Why are you dressed as a Scottish widow? 194 00:10:28,370 --> 00:10:31,208 Because this is my last day at Abbey Grove! 195 00:10:32,729 --> 00:10:34,728 Oh, 'scuse me. 196 00:10:37,567 --> 00:10:41,327 I am bothered, but I think this girl actually likes me! 197 00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:42,646 What a slut. 198 00:10:42,687 --> 00:10:45,646 Everything that I love is being torn away from me. 199 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,005 And I appreciate that. 200 00:10:47,045 --> 00:10:50,764 It's just that you're also being a little bit of a cock-block. 201 00:10:50,804 --> 00:10:53,282 Look, I'll call your dad as soon as lunch is over. 202 00:10:53,323 --> 00:10:55,563 I promise you, I won't let him take you away. 203 00:10:55,603 --> 00:10:57,002 Come on, babes. 204 00:10:58,522 --> 00:10:59,842 Yep. 205 00:11:01,242 --> 00:11:03,521 OK, so that was my mate, Savannah. 206 00:11:03,561 --> 00:11:08,040 Her, me, Uggie and Quinoa are going to this totally exclusive warehouse rave tonight. 207 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,719 This guy called Ben Grayson runs it... 208 00:11:09,759 --> 00:11:12,479 Ben Grayson? Yeah, his brother Frank's at this school. 209 00:11:12,519 --> 00:11:14,118 Can you get us on the guest list? 210 00:11:14,158 --> 00:11:15,477 Us? 211 00:11:15,517 --> 00:11:17,477 What, like we're on a date? 212 00:11:17,517 --> 00:11:20,875 Well... why not? 213 00:11:20,915 --> 00:11:24,275 Well, yeah! I'll give him a call now. 214 00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,314 Oh, answerphone. 215 00:11:29,353 --> 00:11:31,913 Yo, Frankenstein! 216 00:11:31,953 --> 00:11:36,232 Yeah, it's Mr Wickers here, Wicky-wicky-wickers... 217 00:11:36,272 --> 00:11:38,751 Um, I was just wondering, bro, whether there was any chance 218 00:11:38,791 --> 00:11:41,989 I could just bum a couple of ticky-boos to the old rave-age? 219 00:11:42,030 --> 00:11:43,869 Guest list-age? 220 00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:45,389 Anyway, give me a bell back, bro. 221 00:11:45,429 --> 00:11:48,348 Laters. Love you. I don't love you. 222 00:11:48,388 --> 00:11:49,867 Bye. 223 00:11:49,908 --> 00:11:53,068 So, if... if we go to this rave tonight, 224 00:11:53,107 --> 00:11:57,746 are you going to take anything, to like, you know, help you through? 225 00:11:57,786 --> 00:12:00,786 Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're going to be dancing until the break of dawn, 226 00:12:00,825 --> 00:12:03,266 I will probably need to take my supportive insoles. 227 00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:06,064 No, no. 228 00:12:09,703 --> 00:12:11,382 But I thought you were clean? 229 00:12:11,422 --> 00:12:12,741 Only 9-5. 230 00:12:14,381 --> 00:12:19,261 If you get me on the guest list, things could get messy. 231 00:12:19,301 --> 00:12:21,260 Oh, they're going to get messy. 232 00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:24,939 I'll probably cover myself in... shit. 233 00:12:26,938 --> 00:12:31,777 My sister, Mortadella, took this legal high, right, 234 00:12:31,816 --> 00:12:33,576 which made her think she could freeze time 235 00:12:33,617 --> 00:12:36,215 and lick it like a lolly. 236 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,855 Sure, that's, erm... 237 00:12:44,173 --> 00:12:45,852 dirty... 238 00:12:45,893 --> 00:12:47,452 Viennetta. 239 00:12:47,492 --> 00:12:50,171 It's like getting a hand-job off Aslan. 240 00:12:50,211 --> 00:12:52,771 Can you get some for tonight? Hell, yeah. 241 00:12:52,811 --> 00:12:55,250 Me, you, Havana, 242 00:12:55,291 --> 00:12:58,930 Ugly and Cous Cous are going to get absolutely mashed. 243 00:13:01,529 --> 00:13:03,288 Is that Frank? Amazing! 244 00:13:03,328 --> 00:13:05,208 Yo! What's up, motherlover? 245 00:13:05,249 --> 00:13:07,447 I cannot wait to get into yo' club, 246 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,687 bang some drugs, shake my... 247 00:13:09,727 --> 00:13:11,966 jugs. 248 00:13:12,006 --> 00:13:13,645 Oh... 249 00:13:13,685 --> 00:13:15,485 Mr Carmichael. 250 00:13:15,526 --> 00:13:19,004 Er, no, Stephen did not mention that you were going to call me directly. 251 00:13:19,044 --> 00:13:21,803 I'm so sorry about that... 252 00:13:29,561 --> 00:13:31,361 Yo, what's happening? 253 00:13:31,401 --> 00:13:34,241 Did you, er, get my message about the guest list? 254 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,320 20 quid a bloke. Women go free. 255 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,918 Well, it's, er, me and my sexy date, so... 256 00:13:40,958 --> 00:13:42,477 Well, that's 40 quid, then. 257 00:13:42,518 --> 00:13:44,277 Yep. My date's a woman. 258 00:13:45,837 --> 00:13:49,356 If I give you 40 quid, it's in no way a confession. 259 00:13:51,476 --> 00:13:57,315 Also, er, my date wants to try a certain thing tonight... 260 00:13:57,355 --> 00:13:59,673 Well, make sure he knows the safe word. 261 00:13:59,712 --> 00:14:02,073 And I've heard you don't want to pull it out too quickly. 262 00:14:02,113 --> 00:14:03,752 I'm talking about drugs. 263 00:14:03,792 --> 00:14:06,671 Apparently, this drug makes you think that time is an ice cream? 264 00:14:06,711 --> 00:14:08,710 Yeah. 50 quid a scoop. 265 00:14:08,751 --> 00:14:10,030 Done. 266 00:14:14,749 --> 00:14:17,348 Did you just ask me to buy you drugs? 267 00:14:17,388 --> 00:14:19,508 Yeah, well, obviously. 268 00:14:20,787 --> 00:14:22,348 Oh, God. 269 00:14:22,387 --> 00:14:25,387 You're blackmailing me, aren't you? Mmm. Yeah. 270 00:14:26,906 --> 00:14:30,144 What do you mean, none of you sell drugs? 271 00:14:30,185 --> 00:14:33,664 All I can say is that I am very, very disappointed in you. 272 00:14:33,705 --> 00:14:35,343 Why do you need drugs, anyway? 273 00:14:35,384 --> 00:14:38,703 Because I'm going on a date with India. Why can't you just buy 'em yourself? 274 00:14:38,742 --> 00:14:40,663 Er, because, A, I'm a teacher, 275 00:14:40,703 --> 00:14:42,901 B, Grayson stole all of my money, 276 00:14:42,941 --> 00:14:45,781 and, C, I made the drug up in the first place, 277 00:14:45,820 --> 00:14:49,219 so have you got any idea how ridiculous you sound? 278 00:14:49,259 --> 00:14:51,659 Sir, apparently you spoke to my dad...? 279 00:14:51,699 --> 00:14:53,499 Yeah, look, um, I'm sorry. 280 00:14:53,538 --> 00:14:57,298 I'll apologise for that just as soon as I've sorted out this one very important thing. 281 00:14:57,338 --> 00:15:01,057 Sir, Stephen's dad is really just going to.. Chantelle, please. I must insist. 282 00:15:01,096 --> 00:15:02,737 This is my thinking face. 283 00:15:02,776 --> 00:15:04,336 That's why she didn't recognise it. 284 00:15:08,695 --> 00:15:10,454 Oh, boom squared! 285 00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:12,333 Do you know what face this is Chantelle? 286 00:15:12,373 --> 00:15:14,533 Is it your come... Don't even say that. 287 00:15:14,573 --> 00:15:17,172 This is my "had a brilliant idea" face. 288 00:15:17,213 --> 00:15:21,372 If I can't buy the drug, I'm going to make the drug. 289 00:15:21,412 --> 00:15:22,811 Are you mad? 290 00:15:22,851 --> 00:15:26,570 Come on. Drugs must be easy to invent. Look at meow meow. 291 00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:30,489 That's fertiliser. It's just someone getting peckish in a garden centre. 292 00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:32,809 Mitchell, you must know something about drugs? 293 00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:35,167 Course I do. My brother spent so long in a Thai prison, 294 00:15:35,207 --> 00:15:36,807 he come back speaking fluent Scouse. 295 00:15:36,846 --> 00:15:40,327 All right. Well, you can be my head chef, my LS-Delia. 296 00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:44,045 Now, we need someone to help with the science aspect... 297 00:15:44,085 --> 00:15:45,683 Jing? No way. 298 00:15:45,725 --> 00:15:50,324 What if I told you that this counted towards the community service element 299 00:15:50,364 --> 00:15:52,122 of your Duke of Edinburgh Award? 300 00:15:53,682 --> 00:15:56,082 It's either this or wiping an old guy's ass. 301 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,880 Fine. Yes! 302 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,880 Sir, Professor Green wants to see you. 303 00:16:02,919 --> 00:16:06,839 Oh, could you tell Professor Green to go swivel on that. 304 00:16:06,879 --> 00:16:09,359 No, I didn't mean that. No, don't tell her that! 305 00:16:09,398 --> 00:16:12,956 I'll meet you in the science lab in ten minutes. Can you come back, please?! 306 00:16:15,117 --> 00:16:17,515 Is anything troubling you at the moment, Alfred? 307 00:16:17,555 --> 00:16:19,276 Hmm... No. 308 00:16:19,316 --> 00:16:21,715 I saw you talking to Mr Grayson earlier. 309 00:16:21,754 --> 00:16:24,553 Money exchanging hands. 310 00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:28,273 I may look like a girl of 16... 311 00:16:28,313 --> 00:16:31,832 But I'm not a fool. I was buying tickets to a rave. 312 00:16:31,872 --> 00:16:33,672 Big deal. 313 00:16:33,712 --> 00:16:36,830 Alfred, I, too, have an addictive personality. 314 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,831 Your father... 315 00:16:38,870 --> 00:16:40,870 I crave Martin Wickers. 316 00:16:42,190 --> 00:16:43,989 I want to... 317 00:16:44,029 --> 00:16:46,268 inhale him, snort him, 318 00:16:46,308 --> 00:16:50,267 feel him racing through my veins and exploding inside me. 319 00:16:50,307 --> 00:16:53,186 I'll help you with your problem. 320 00:16:53,226 --> 00:16:54,985 You help me with your father. 321 00:16:55,025 --> 00:16:59,025 There is absolutely no way on earth I would ever let my dad go out with you. 322 00:17:00,824 --> 00:17:03,944 And who's Martin more likely to believe, dear? 323 00:17:03,984 --> 00:17:07,062 A deceitful, drug-addled son, 324 00:17:07,103 --> 00:17:12,021 or the woman who's trying so hard to help? 325 00:17:12,061 --> 00:17:15,221 Look, you better get this into your stupid, bunny boiling, 326 00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:18,699 hobbity little head - I don't do drugs, OK? 327 00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:22,739 You're either with me, or against me. 328 00:17:22,779 --> 00:17:25,218 ♪ We live life on the back of this melody 329 00:17:25,257 --> 00:17:27,617 ♪ Me and my friends spent life in plastic 330 00:17:27,657 --> 00:17:30,057 ♪ Brand-new times and brand-new happenings 331 00:17:30,097 --> 00:17:32,575 ♪ We get up to all kind of antics 332 00:17:32,615 --> 00:17:35,175 ♪ There's another one That's classic 333 00:17:35,215 --> 00:17:37,495 ♪ That's classic That's classic 334 00:17:37,535 --> 00:17:39,814 ♪ There's another one That's classic 335 00:17:39,854 --> 00:17:42,452 ♪ We get up to all kind of antics 336 00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:44,932 ♪ There's another one That's classic 337 00:17:47,851 --> 00:17:50,770 ♪ What you saying. Check. That's classic. 338 00:17:50,811 --> 00:17:52,650 Oh, it smells disgusting! 339 00:17:52,691 --> 00:17:54,330 She's never going to swallow that. 340 00:17:54,370 --> 00:17:57,609 I could lower the pH down by neutralising the carbon substrate. 341 00:17:57,648 --> 00:17:59,169 I've got a better idea. 342 00:18:00,849 --> 00:18:02,168 Behold! 343 00:18:02,208 --> 00:18:04,047 Dirty Viennetta! 344 00:18:04,087 --> 00:18:06,647 Why do I bother? 345 00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:09,327 Alfie, it stinks in here. What is that? 346 00:18:09,366 --> 00:18:13,244 This, my old friend, is the new legal high, 347 00:18:13,286 --> 00:18:15,564 that all the kids are talking about. 348 00:18:15,604 --> 00:18:18,443 Please tell me you are not cooking drugs with children? 349 00:18:18,483 --> 00:18:20,082 Oh, God, here we go again. 350 00:18:20,123 --> 00:18:22,522 Throwing the rule book at me. What is it this time? 351 00:18:22,562 --> 00:18:26,241 Page 20,000, rule 3 million, subsection B, 352 00:18:26,281 --> 00:18:29,600 "Do not involve the children in the production of narcotics"? 353 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,840 Do you realise how irresponsible you're being? 354 00:18:31,879 --> 00:18:34,080 Babe, you really need to chill out. 355 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,238 Maybe you should take a leaf out of India's book. 356 00:18:36,278 --> 00:18:39,037 OK, and what book is that? Fifty Shades Of Bitch? 357 00:18:39,078 --> 00:18:40,837 The Great Twatsby? 358 00:18:40,877 --> 00:18:43,435 The... The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A... 359 00:18:43,476 --> 00:18:45,476 Cod-Bohemian Dipshit? 360 00:18:45,516 --> 00:18:48,395 OK, obviously the last of those is not a real book. 361 00:18:50,074 --> 00:18:51,435 Is it? 362 00:18:51,474 --> 00:18:53,994 Alfie, you, you have done some crazy stuff in your time.. 363 00:18:54,034 --> 00:18:55,873 Yeah, like falling in... 364 00:18:55,913 --> 00:18:57,753 fond with you. 365 00:18:59,073 --> 00:19:02,551 Alfie, in the classroom just be a teacher, yeah? 366 00:19:02,592 --> 00:19:05,351 And with women, just... just be yourself. 367 00:19:05,391 --> 00:19:07,030 Be myself? Yeah. 368 00:19:07,070 --> 00:19:10,350 Great, so you're so jealous that you want me to die a virgin? 369 00:19:12,348 --> 00:19:14,628 Right, Mitchell, I can sense you sniggering. 370 00:19:14,669 --> 00:19:17,148 Room for a little one, Mr Fraser? 371 00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,907 Ah! No Mr Fraser here. 372 00:19:18,947 --> 00:19:21,947 I'm Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs bear! 373 00:19:23,426 --> 00:19:25,826 Bear? They didn't have any more bear costumes. 374 00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:30,863 So you're... I'm... Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs prawn! 375 00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:32,464 Conducting a drugs amnesty. 376 00:19:32,503 --> 00:19:34,304 ♪ Under the sea... 377 00:19:34,343 --> 00:19:36,902 I'm here on rather pressing business. 378 00:19:36,942 --> 00:19:39,941 There's a young teacher at Abbey Grove who has become the victim 379 00:19:39,981 --> 00:19:41,781 of a craven drug addiction. 380 00:19:41,821 --> 00:19:44,140 If you're talking about me, I've only taken drugs once 381 00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:45,700 and the ending was not a happy one. 382 00:19:45,739 --> 00:19:47,820 I was weather-guarding some suede slacks 383 00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:49,499 when I took in a lung-full of fumes. 384 00:19:49,539 --> 00:19:52,258 I was completely off my head and thought I could fly. 385 00:19:52,298 --> 00:19:53,538 It was an absolute disaster. 386 00:19:53,579 --> 00:19:56,457 I forgot my passport, then I freaked out on the Gatwick Express. 387 00:19:56,498 --> 00:19:58,816 I wish I'd weather-guarded the inside of those slacks. 388 00:19:58,856 --> 00:20:00,936 I see I must act alone. 389 00:20:00,976 --> 00:20:02,815 Goodbye, Mr Fraser. 390 00:20:02,854 --> 00:20:05,214 I'll be seein' ya. 391 00:20:07,294 --> 00:20:09,414 Alfie, this drug stuff has gone too far. 392 00:20:09,454 --> 00:20:12,853 Oh, are you going to tell me this is the most stupid thing I've ever done? 393 00:20:12,892 --> 00:20:16,611 Well, apart from when you bet your laptop that Jason Statham would win that Oscar. 394 00:20:16,651 --> 00:20:19,011 Have you SEEN Transporter 3? 395 00:20:19,050 --> 00:20:21,131 Look, Alfie, Miss Gulliver's right. 396 00:20:21,171 --> 00:20:23,249 OK, you've got a lot of great qualities, 397 00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:26,608 and if someone can't see that, then they probably don't deserve you. 398 00:20:26,648 --> 00:20:29,489 Yeah, I guess you're right. 399 00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:31,967 What great qualities? 400 00:20:32,006 --> 00:20:34,726 Well, you can speak Elvish. 401 00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:37,967 Just "Where's the toilet?" "Can I have some tap water?" 402 00:20:38,006 --> 00:20:40,405 It's barely restaurant Elf. 403 00:20:40,445 --> 00:20:42,204 Well, I'm impressed. 404 00:20:42,244 --> 00:20:46,284 So, what, you mean India might like me for who I actually am? 405 00:20:46,324 --> 00:20:49,043 That I don't need to do this? 406 00:20:49,083 --> 00:20:52,562 Hey, Albert, you want to hit up some chamomile tea? 407 00:20:52,602 --> 00:20:54,961 Do I? You're teaching us history. 408 00:20:55,001 --> 00:20:59,240 Yeah, that's right. We're learning about the build-up of hostilities prior to the First World War. 409 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,120 Downton Abbey Series One's on my desk. 410 00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:02,479 Shall we? 411 00:21:08,877 --> 00:21:10,797 One Shitty Cornetto. 412 00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:12,236 Dirty Viennetta? 413 00:21:12,276 --> 00:21:14,197 Damn straight. 414 00:21:14,237 --> 00:21:17,235 Jesus! That honks, man. 415 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,194 Yeah, I'm not sure. 416 00:21:19,234 --> 00:21:20,714 How do we know if it's safe...? 417 00:21:20,753 --> 00:21:26,833 Safe? Babe, I've been scooping this shit all day long. 418 00:21:28,632 --> 00:21:31,111 Oh, get in my face. 419 00:21:31,151 --> 00:21:34,030 Right. Look, Albert... Alfie. 420 00:21:34,070 --> 00:21:35,549 I'm not sure about this shit. 421 00:21:35,590 --> 00:21:38,990 Babe, we're going to have such a sick night. 422 00:21:39,030 --> 00:21:41,949 Just got to ride the wave, man. 423 00:21:41,989 --> 00:21:43,428 You're just too wild, bro. 424 00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:46,588 Let's just drop it like it's hot. 425 00:21:51,827 --> 00:21:54,946 Oh, shit, man! 426 00:21:56,585 --> 00:22:00,223 I'm sorry. You chundered on my vintage. Not cool. 427 00:22:00,263 --> 00:22:02,303 "Sick" and "vintage", 428 00:22:02,343 --> 00:22:04,582 SINTAGE. It's a mashup. 429 00:22:04,622 --> 00:22:06,541 Oh, my God. 430 00:22:09,501 --> 00:22:12,860 Am I wearing a really tight little hat? 431 00:22:17,578 --> 00:22:22,577 ♪ Feel when I dance with you 432 00:22:22,618 --> 00:22:27,017 ♪ We move like the sea 433 00:22:28,057 --> 00:22:29,776 ♪ You 434 00:22:29,815 --> 00:22:32,455 ♪ You're all I want to know 435 00:22:33,495 --> 00:22:36,814 ♪ I feel free... 436 00:22:38,533 --> 00:22:42,413 ♪ Under the sea Under the sea 437 00:22:42,452 --> 00:22:44,372 ♪ Darling it's better 438 00:22:44,412 --> 00:22:47,011 ♪ Down where it's wetter 439 00:22:47,051 --> 00:22:48,691 ♪ Under the sea... 440 00:22:49,890 --> 00:22:51,570 Oh, my God... 441 00:22:51,610 --> 00:22:53,689 I'm a mermaid! 442 00:22:58,248 --> 00:23:00,646 Alfie! There's a giant prawn... 443 00:23:00,687 --> 00:23:03,047 I spoke to him in his own fishy language. 444 00:23:03,087 --> 00:23:05,165 Alfie, you might want to come from under there... 445 00:23:05,205 --> 00:23:08,925 Who's Alfie? My name is Ariel. 446 00:23:15,643 --> 00:23:18,882 Officers, this is Mr Wickers. 447 00:23:18,922 --> 00:23:21,402 I'd begun to wonder where you'd got to. 448 00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:22,881 Thank you for covering for me. 449 00:23:22,921 --> 00:23:27,280 OK, kids, who can tell me why Lady Sibyl defied her father 450 00:23:27,321 --> 00:23:29,200 and eloped with an Irishman? 451 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:30,520 "Begorrah, to be sure," 452 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,399 "I used to be a chauffeur but now I am a class traitor." 453 00:23:33,439 --> 00:23:35,638 ♪ Diddly dee dee dee dee dee 454 00:23:35,677 --> 00:23:39,077 Who trained this dog to walk underwater? 455 00:23:41,396 --> 00:23:45,636 It must be the work of this hag, Ursula, the sea witch! 456 00:23:48,114 --> 00:23:50,514 Alfie, put the scissors down. Ow! 457 00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:53,712 I need to look sexy for Prince Eric. 458 00:23:53,753 --> 00:23:55,272 Alfie... Shush, Flounder. 459 00:23:55,313 --> 00:23:58,671 Please, sir, not the bra. My parents are coming. Is he OK? 460 00:23:58,711 --> 00:24:02,030 No, I don't think he is. I think he's on drugs! 461 00:24:02,071 --> 00:24:04,070 I've got to get Miss Gulliver! 462 00:24:04,110 --> 00:24:07,468 Stephen, you need to help me with my hair. 463 00:24:07,509 --> 00:24:09,908 Prince Eric prefers me when I'm auburn. 464 00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:11,708 Sir, stop it! 465 00:24:11,747 --> 00:24:15,388 And after Maria slew the Cordoba brothers, 466 00:24:15,428 --> 00:24:19,506 she vowed never again to use her anus 467 00:24:19,546 --> 00:24:21,145 as a receptacle. 468 00:24:21,185 --> 00:24:23,746 Miss Gulliver, you've got to help! 469 00:24:23,785 --> 00:24:25,464 Joe, I'm teaching a class here. 470 00:24:25,504 --> 00:24:27,183 Mr Wickers is going mad, Miss. 471 00:24:27,223 --> 00:24:28,903 I think he's eaten a Dirty Viennetta. 472 00:24:28,944 --> 00:24:31,182 Mr Wickers must learn how to look after himself. 473 00:24:31,223 --> 00:24:33,222 But Pro Green's in there, Miss, and the police! 474 00:24:33,262 --> 00:24:35,422 He'll lose his job. He could go to prison. 475 00:24:35,462 --> 00:24:37,980 You know what, Joe? Maybe prison's the best place for him. 476 00:24:38,020 --> 00:24:40,140 This whole thing with India, it's not about her. 477 00:24:40,181 --> 00:24:43,259 It's about proving that he's over you, when he obviously isn't. 478 00:24:43,300 --> 00:24:46,178 You know, after you two kissed last term 479 00:24:46,219 --> 00:24:50,897 he told us that he had an erection that lasted for six hours and 23 minutes. 480 00:24:50,937 --> 00:24:53,337 And do you know what? He didn't even... 481 00:24:53,376 --> 00:24:56,736 deal with it, cos he thought it would cheapen the moment. 482 00:24:56,775 --> 00:24:59,015 Plus, he refused to tell us what your boobs felt like 483 00:24:59,055 --> 00:25:02,735 even though you were right up on him... All right, enough! Come on, let's go. 484 00:25:02,775 --> 00:25:04,894 ♪ Under the sea Under the sea 485 00:25:04,935 --> 00:25:06,294 ♪ Under the sea. 486 00:25:06,333 --> 00:25:09,572 Come on, Alfie. Smile for Daddy. 487 00:25:09,612 --> 00:25:11,452 Why are you photographing him? 488 00:25:11,492 --> 00:25:14,732 To prove this lost little boy needs a mother. 489 00:25:14,772 --> 00:25:17,290 Now, I think we should take a urine sample. 490 00:25:17,330 --> 00:25:19,490 Officers? I want a full toxicology report. 491 00:25:19,530 --> 00:25:22,930 No, Ursula! I don't want your potion. 492 00:25:22,970 --> 00:25:24,688 Uh-oh. 493 00:25:24,729 --> 00:25:29,288 Prince Eric! You've come to save me from my captors. 494 00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:33,965 Lord Trident forbids our union, but it feels so right. 495 00:25:34,005 --> 00:25:37,285 What on earth's going on?! Mum, Dad, this isn't what it looks like. 496 00:25:37,324 --> 00:25:39,165 HE GASPS My bra! 497 00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:41,364 Nobody peek at my mer-bosoms! 498 00:25:41,404 --> 00:25:43,764 We're leaving, Stephen. No, Stephen! Please, sir! 499 00:25:43,803 --> 00:25:47,361 I don't want to leave my friends! Calm down, Princess Ariel! 500 00:25:47,402 --> 00:25:48,722 But how can I be calm 501 00:25:48,761 --> 00:25:52,960 when I'm going out with such a sexy little starfish? 502 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:56,320 We will conquer your demons 503 00:25:56,361 --> 00:25:59,599 and restore peace to your watery kingdom, 504 00:25:59,639 --> 00:26:02,718 if you just sit down on that bit of coral and stop what you're doing. 505 00:26:13,516 --> 00:26:17,355 Mr and Mrs Carmichael, officers, Professor Green, 506 00:26:17,395 --> 00:26:20,233 erm, I hope you've enjoyed this role-play, 507 00:26:20,274 --> 00:26:25,073 a radical educational tool pioneered by drug charity Vibesline. 508 00:26:25,113 --> 00:26:27,831 Role-play? Mmm. The man's mad! 509 00:26:27,871 --> 00:26:32,430 Yes, yes, Mr Wickers is ACTING like a pathetic, grotesque, 510 00:26:32,471 --> 00:26:34,470 utterly irresponsible little man. 511 00:26:34,510 --> 00:26:37,069 But those are the consequences of drug abuse. 512 00:26:37,109 --> 00:26:38,748 Well, it's very realistic. 513 00:26:38,789 --> 00:26:41,309 Mmm, and who in this class would ever touch a drug 514 00:26:41,348 --> 00:26:42,707 after this performance? 515 00:26:46,707 --> 00:26:49,906 I mean, obviously, if, if Alfie WAS high, 516 00:26:49,946 --> 00:26:54,225 then the deputy head would have to fire him, and call the police 517 00:26:54,265 --> 00:26:58,663 and explain to his father how she ruined his son's life for ever. 518 00:26:58,703 --> 00:27:02,501 So it's a good thing that Alfie's acting. Right, Celia? 519 00:27:02,542 --> 00:27:08,459 The wonderful thing about Mr Wickers is his commitment. 520 00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:11,580 Whatever it takes to engage these pupils. 521 00:27:13,220 --> 00:27:17,058 I'm so happy here, Dad. Please, let me stay? 522 00:27:17,098 --> 00:27:19,977 Oh, come on, Richard, please? 523 00:27:25,496 --> 00:27:28,015 OK, I'll think about it. 524 00:27:29,734 --> 00:27:32,495 P-A-R-T-Y without me? 525 00:27:32,534 --> 00:27:34,974 How very SHELLFISH of you. 526 00:27:37,133 --> 00:27:38,973 Ooh, prawns and pigs, eh? 527 00:27:39,012 --> 00:27:41,411 It's a good job you're not Jewish, Officer... 528 00:27:41,452 --> 00:27:44,131 Finklestein. 529 00:27:44,171 --> 00:27:48,649 Ursula, call off your sea dogs and let my prawn swim free! 530 00:27:48,689 --> 00:27:50,410 Argh! 531 00:27:52,009 --> 00:27:54,048 Show's over, Alfie. 532 00:27:54,088 --> 00:27:56,848 Why didn't you want to come and swim with me? 533 00:27:56,887 --> 00:27:59,328 The water's so lovely and warm. 534 00:28:00,446 --> 00:28:02,605 Oh, my God. 535 00:28:02,645 --> 00:28:05,245 Sir pissed himself! 536 00:28:10,244 --> 00:28:11,803 Dad? What are you doing in here? 537 00:28:11,843 --> 00:28:14,283 Oh... Hello, Alfie. 538 00:28:14,323 --> 00:28:16,361 Just having a little sit down. 539 00:28:16,402 --> 00:28:18,442 Can I see you in the car? 540 00:28:21,441 --> 00:28:23,120 Oh, God! Dad! 541 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,479 Oh!