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COMEDIANS

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You ever wonder what
happens to all the

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rubber bands and
paper clips you lose?

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I.. I think they are going to some
alternate layer of the universe...

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You ever notice these "Warning"
labels on shaving cream cans?

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They say: "Do not use near an open flame".

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Now, I know whenever I go to shave
I like to fire up the old Bunsen burner.

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You know what I mean, hey?

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Coming up next: the
comedy super star who

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roll with the punches and laugh
all the way to the bank!

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Join us for an inside look at
Andrew Dice Clay's luxurious life style.

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Hey Beavis, I got an idea.

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Yeah, me too! Let's go over to
Stewart's house and burn something!

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No dumbass,
let's become one of those stand

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up chameleons and
make a lot of money!

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- Yeah, money rules!
- We're there dude.

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We're gonna be rich.

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That looks like that dude from Deliverance.

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Yeah.

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Remember that part with that pig?

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That wasn't a pig, Beavis.
That was Ned Beatty.

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Oh yeah.

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I watched that movie seven times.

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- Me too. "Squeal like a pig, boy!"
- Yeah.

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- Spit! Cool!
- That's cool!

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Yeah!

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- Whoa! Fat people!
- Yeah, yeah.

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They don't have enough
fat people in videos.

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Yeah.

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And more spit in videos.

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- Like, people hocking loogies.
- Yeah, yeah.

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- More spit, and more fat people.
- Yeah.

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- Fat people are cool!
- Yeah.

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Hey, okay, I want to remind everybody
that I'm a professional,

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okay? So, don't try this at home.

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Hey, sorry folks, they told me
my time is up.

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Y'all have been great, man. Thanks!

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Okay! How about for "Wild Dog Bill", huh?

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Okay! Our next comedian is a young man,

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in fact he is really young.

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He calls himself "Butthole".
Let's hear it for him.

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What's green and red and goes
one hundred miles a hour?

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A frog in a blender.
Get it?

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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Here is one.

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How do you keep a moron in suspense?

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I don't know.

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Yeah.

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This is cool.

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So, this guy says to the bartender:

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"I bet you fifty dollars I
can pee in that glass

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and you'll clean it up laughing".

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Get off!

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No, wait...

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I mean... He says:
"I bet you can pee in this..."

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You suck!

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- No, wait.
- Get off!

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He pees on the bar and pays these
people at the table to clean it up.

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No, wait...

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Are you gonna finish all
those nachos?

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Can I have some?

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- You are terrible, terrible.
- Get off!

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Is that what she said?

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How about it for "Butthole"?

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Hey, wait a minute folks. Don't leave yet.
We've just getting started.

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We've got a great actor up next,
his name is...

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Beavis!
This guy is fantastic!

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Let's hear it for him.

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You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks?

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Sometimes I look at one of these
little straws, and I go: "This sucks!"

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This is cool!

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One thing about, like, gym class:

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It sucks!

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- Okay, now I'm gonna, like, juggle.
- Go for it Beavis!

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This is gonna be cool.

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- This is mall music.
- Yeah.

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She has to play in a mall
because she sucks.

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Yeah.

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Hey Beavis,

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who do you think would win in a fight
between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson?

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Debbie Gibson would kick her butt!

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She'd kick her!

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She should join a gang
like Wilson Phillips.

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Yeah.

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Who do you think would win in a fight
between Wilson Phillips and The Bangles?

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- You're the expert, Beavis.
- Shut up, Butt-Head!

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One chick from L7 could kick
all of their asses combined.

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Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

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Whoa, cool!

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Fire! Fire! Fire!

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What's wrong with you, Beavis?
This sucks!

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Because you have fire in your video
doesn't mean you're cool.

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Yeah, but, like,
the fire itself is pretty cool.

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- No way, Beavis! Vince Neil is a wuss!
- Oh yeah.

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- Mötley Crüe fired this dude.
- Yeah.

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They fired him.
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

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Tommy Lee should've shoved
that drumstick up his butt!

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Yeah, yeah.

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That would be cool!

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Whoa!

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That chick's got metal pointy things
on her boobs.

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- That's pretty cool!
- Yeah.

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"She's a knockdown,
drag it out, pick it up, do it again".

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What does that mean?
Who writes this crap?

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Yeah, yeah.
It sucks!

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- We are pretty funny, huh Beavis?
- Yeah.

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We should be on TV.

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How come that club owner dude
didn't like us?

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- Maybe he is stupid?
- Yeah.

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- Not everybody can be cool like us.
- Yeah.

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- Trees.
- Yeah.

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"I don't think I shall ever see
anything as stupid as a tree".

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Do you like her hair up or down, Beavis?

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I think with this particular outfit,
it looks better up.

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Do you think if this band
was playing in the forest,

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and, like, a tree fell on
'em, 'cause they suck,

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do you think anybody would be there?

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No one would hear 'em,
because they'd be dead!

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Yeah, but what if,
like, the tree fell,

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and it only, like, hit a couple
of 'em, and then...

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Hey Beavis!
What are your hands doing in your pocket?

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I'm just looking for my lighter.

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Aha, you've been looking
for about fifteen minutes.

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Yeah.