♪ Don't wanna be a player ♪
♪ I don't wanna be A player no more ♪
♪ I'm not a player I just crush a lot ♪
♪ But me and Punisher, still got What you're lookin' for ♪
♪ I don't wanna be Don't wanna be ♪
♪ I don't wanna be A player no more ♪
♪ I'm not a player I just crush a lot ♪
♪ But you know Big Pun And Joe still down by law ♪
♪ Who's down to crush tonight? ♪
♪ Hey yo, I'm still not a player But you still a hater ♪
♪ Elevator to the top, hah See you later ♪
♪ I'm gone, penthouse suite ♪
♪ Penthouse freaks In-house beach ♪
Sir? Please stop dancing.
Really, stop that. No one wants to see it. Stop.
♪ Puffin' the lye From my Twinzito ♪
♪ Up in the Benzito With my kiko ♪
♪ From Queens nicknamed Perico ♪
♪ We go back like PA's And wearin' PJ's ♪
♪ Now we reach the peakage Runnin' trains for three days ♪
♪ Who want to ride? It won't cost you a dollar ♪
♪ Whether soft or harder ♪
♪ Of course You still gonna holla ♪
Yeah! Look at your boy!
Boom! There he is. I found him!
Oh, man.
So how do I look?
You look like Black Where's Waldo.
No.
Oompa Loompa. Minion?
You sound like a hater. No.
That's what we doing? Huh? Give me this.
Hey, give me that! - Give me it! - No, no, no!
We're going to our reunion.
I don't want you on this phone all night,
being sad and everything, playing Wordfeud.
There's a reason for people to get together
and lie about how their life doesn't suck.
- And get laid. - What do you mean, get laid?
I'm definitely getting laid tonight.
- No. In this outfit? - This is my lucky outfit.
This is the outfit I lost my virginity in the night of the graduation.
No, you got an over-the-pants handjob.
Hey, well, she... It wasn't my hand.
It was somebody else's hand. So that's...
Oh, shit.
What, hey! Don't touch that.
You ain't see that?
She was going 55 in a school zone. Step on it!
Roll down your window, please, ma'am.
Yeah. I'm... I'm sorry, Officer. Was I speeding?
Thirty miles over the speed limit.
Okay, I'm just trying to get to this high school reunion.
Here.
Can I see your face?
- Jasmine? - Yeah.
It's Evan. Evan... I shouldn't do that.
- Evan... Evan West. - Oh, my God!
Wow, it's great... great seeing you.
God, I'm so glad it's you.
I was scared for a second there, because I really hate cops.
I'm a cop, so...
Ray! Why... Why'd you get out of the car?
Ray...'Cause you said it was Jasmine.
Jasmine? I was like, "Okay, I gotta see her too."
- Oh, man. - I mean, you look...
Look, man, I don't wanna be a jerk about this, you know what I mean?
Because you used to be a skater girl and everything.
But you have really switched it up.
He's joking with you.
He... No, man, she looks amazing.
- I'm giving her a compliment. - Yeah. You do look amazing.
- You look beautiful. - You look great.
Appreciate that. You guys haven't changed one bit.
Thanks. Yeah, thanks.
Not one bit.
- Thank you! - Well, a little. I would like...
Yeah.
So you're working at The Times now?
- Is that what's going on? - Oh, yeah.
Ten years.
- That's great. - Yeah.
This...
Mm-hmm.
Should we finish this conversation at the house?
Yeah. Yes. Well, you can follow us.
Thank you.
- Okay, we'll see you there. - Bye!
Okay.
- Talk to you later. All right. - See you.
- I'll see you at the party. - I'm stupid.
I'm so fucking stupid, Ray.
Don't... What? What's that face?
- She want the backwoods dick. - No, she doesn't.
Yes, she does. She wants some backwoods dick tonight.
You could give it to her.
- Okay? - Backwoods dick.
Yeah, she want that bearded,
cool cop, backwoods dick. That's right.
She want it for the front woods and the back woods.
Oh, well-I'm just saying.
But seriously, though, bro, I'm worried about you, man.
You ain't been on a date in months.
It's... Well, you know...
You know, so, let me check out your Tinder profile.
- See what you got going on. - No, don't bring that up right now.
- Please. Please. - Okay, what is this?
That? I'm dressed as Phantom of the Opera
for Horrorpalooza.
Horrorpalooza? That's a thing?
Yes. It's dope, man.
You was Phantom of the Opera for Horrorpalooza.
- Yeah. - You didn't wanna be nobody else.
Michael Myers,
- you didn't wanna be Freddy. - Dude... No.
Who is scared of the Phantom of the Opera?
- Theatergoers. - What the f...
Mathew's probably gonna love this.
I mean, playing host, showing off his fancy house.
- All his fucking money. - He's rich as fuck.
- I know. - Hold on, hold on.
But don't worry about that asshole.
You need to worry about her.
- Hi. - Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, God. I look dumb, don't I? She's here, man.
Yeah, you look like somebody dresses...
- Was the hat too much? - It's just too much.
You got your badge out, your fucking name tag.
- I know. - But hold on, hold on.
Okay.
Okay, now you look good.
- Thank you. Clean cut. - Hey! Wait a minute.
I didn't... What?
You smell amazing.
- Oh, thank you. - Is that a new cologne?
La Nuit De L'homme by Saint Laurent. You like that?
- I like it a lot. - You want a little waft of that?
- Take that. - Hey, what are you guys doing?
Yeah, these fucking flying roaches... Yeah. Snow flies.
They're... And because...
You've heard about...
They migrated into... Yeah, yeah.
Ridgeview.
It's gonna be a blast.
Oh, wow.
Oh, shit! Uh-oh!
Here comes trouble, baby!
What's up?
Look who it is.
Hey, it's not a real party till the townies show up.
Yeah! Fuck me running! - Come here. - Good to see you. How are...
- Jesus. Whoa, whoa. - How are you?
Are you a cop?
Yes. I know. That was assault of an officer, so...
- Hi, Mathew. - Jasmine. Oh, my God.
- You look fantastic! - Thank you.
- How are you? - Wonderful.
Oh, my God. You come with these idiots?
Oh, no, we just ran into each other out on the road.
Oh, okay, that makes way more sense.
Yeah, I was a bit like, "Whoa, that's weird."
This place is amazing.
Oh, thanks. It has its kinks.
I mean, there's terrible cell reception,
so just hop on the Wi-Fi if you need to, you know what I mean?
Listen, I'm just happy to have you guys at my house,
you know, as a symbol for how far we've all come in life, right?
Yeah.
We're all killing it.
Hey, guys, we're winning. Look who I fucking found.
- Hey! - Life of the party.
- Drink? Okay. - Yes, please.
Oh, it's so weird seeing all these people again.
- Cheers. - Oh, my God, I need this drink.
Hey, Evan.
- Hey. - Oh, my goodness.
- What is that? - What is this?
Oh, my gosh.
- Why would he put that photo in? - Miss Hot Topic.
- Those pants. - 2001.
- So angry. - Oh, that is glorious.
I know... So cool, right?
- Oh! My God! - Oh! My God!
I got you.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Thanks for having us. - Yeah, absolutely.
My party planners did all this.
- They did a great job. - Oh, this whole thing?
Yeah. It's a tribute to more innocent times, I guess.
Yeah. I... I wouldn't call it innocent.
It felt like, uh, high school was pretty brutal for some people.
Try marriage.
Oh, that's right. Are your wife and kids here?
No, no, she brought the kids to her parents' place.
To Westchester. Yeah.
But that is great for me 'cause it's Daddy's weekend.
I love it.
- Peter! - It's been... Oh!
- Oh. - He... He's gone.
Don't walk away. Come here.
Man, look at this.
- We have the track stars. - What?
- And we have Evan West. - Such a young guy.
Full of promise and hope.
Just down the drain.
Ugh. To regrets.
Mr. Buckley.
Wow, man. Do you remember me?
Quite well, Mr. Hammond.
You're literally wearing the same thing you did in high school.
You haven't changed at all.
Well, I appreciate you recognize the outfit,
'cause, I mean, I still look fly. This is fly, right?
- Yes, it is. - Well, look, how are you doing?
I know you're retired by now,
somewhere in Florida - with your feet up. -Florida?
I would rather cut off my own head and eat it
than retire to Florida.
No, I am still teaching.
I've had a few financial woes,
so I'm still chained to the classroom.
Goddamn, Mr. Buckley, you still... you still got that delivery, man.
You still got the intensity in you. The Vincent Price. It's just...
So, what are you doing these days?
I heard you were a dog walker or something.
Sir? Would you like one?
Oh.
Hello.
Hi.
You don't remember me, do you?
Um...
I remember you, Evan West.
I remember every single person at this party.
Yeah, it's crazy seeing everyone, right?
It's really exciting.
You were one of the good ones.
So tonight, you will be spared.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Hot tip. Make sure you get a front-row seat for the show,
because the show starts very soon.
- Sorry. - I'm sorry.
Hey.
Okay...
You're not gonna believe who's fucking here.
Who?
I can't believe she came.
- Meagan. - Dude, chill out.
Chill out, you dated her for three months 200 years ago.
Just avoid her. It's fine.
You can't avoid a black hole.
I love the combination.
Who is that? Do you remember who that girl is? I don't.
I can't pin it.
Look at all that. She was talking to Mathew.
All in his face, kiki-ing away.
- No, she's not. - That's why Meagan came.
- She wanted to fuck my head up. - No, she's not fucking your head up.
I'm going over there. I gotta hear what they say.
I gotta go eavesdrop.
No, you're not gonna - go over there. -Yes, I am.
Don't do it. Don't... Chill out. Chill out. Chill.
No! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Ray! Uh...
You know, I just feel like
I attract these toxic relationships.
You know, I date these losers with no ambition,
no purpose.
That's not you!
- No, that ain't you. - No.
You've got it together!
White wine, please.
Yo!
That's not who I think it is.
- Jesus Christ. - Amanda Tanner.
- Tequila. Double. - It is you!
You gotta give me a hug.
- You look so good. - Oh. Oh.
No. No, no. No, no, no. Thank you.
Personal space. My bad.
How are you?
Good. I'm good.
I graduated from Colgate.
I got my Masters in Political Science from Brown.
I have two kids, Bryant and Abigail.
I hear you're running for office.
Yes, I am. Congress.
Con... In the fall.
Congress in the fall? Wow.
You was the craziest girl I knew in high school.
- Oh, stop. - For real, you had a DUI.
You was doing cocaine.
Do you remember that time
you beat the shit out of Becky Kissinger?
You whupped her ass.
What did she do to you to deserve that ass-whupping?
Goddamn, you had brass knuckles on and everything.
You knew about that?
Everybody knew.
How?
Okay, that got a little bit intense.
I'm sorry, Amanda.
Is this asshole bothering you?
Oh. Yes.
My ex-boo thang.
Still looking good. You look terrific.
I wonder what the secret is. Oh, I know what it is.
Maybe crushing men's hearts.
How are you, Ray?
You still working as a bartender at Luigi's,
or did they finally realize you too short to reach the top shelf?
Oh, you still go it. You still got the jokes.
Oh. Goddamn.
Yeah, the short jokes. I don't miss that shit.
Hey, everything okay? Good, good?
How's it go... Yes.
This just got great.
What the fuck is up, Ridgeview High class of 2001?
Everyone listen up for a second.
I'm not the one to make speeches, typically,
but, uh, I just want everyone to say thank you
to my hot-as-fuck wife, Lisa.
- She's on FaceTime. - [ON PHONE] Hey there!
Say thank you for having this party.
Thank you!
Hi. Hey there, everyone.
I hope everyone's over 21.
Oh! She's pretty and funny. Baby, please drive safe.
It's coming down out there, okay?
Don't do anything stupid like I would do, all right?
And everyone, please drive safe.
Use Uber.
Crash if you need to.
Don't stay the night, but take Uber
and don't sue the fuck out of us, thank you very much.
Say bye to Lisa, everyone. My little sweet flower. Bye!
We love you, baby. Be safe, please.
Don't go crazy. What? I can't hear you.
Okay, bye.
All right, now for the main event.
The entertainment for the evening.
Everyone's favorite garage band
they got finger-banged to in the janitor closet,
What The Dilly-O.
♪ I was like, good gracious Ass is bodacious ♪
♪ Flirtatious Tryin' to show patience ♪
♪ Waitin' for the right time To shoot my steez ♪
♪ Waitin' for the right time To flash them keys ♪
♪ Then, uh, I'm leavin' Please believe in ♪
♪ Me and the rest Of my heathens ♪
♪ Check it, got it locked at The top of the Four Seasons ♪
♪ Penthouse, roof top... ♪
I saw a dead squirrel in the driveway.
Oh, okay, so here, this is...
Yeah, here he is. This is my little Fynn.
Spelled with a Y.Oh, my gosh.
I'm so happy that name is popular again.
Well, you can see he's so beguiling.
Hmm.
What... What about you, Jas?
Will you guys excuse me? I have to go pee.
I have to pee every five minutes, and I can't even drink.
- Oh. I'm... I'll drink for you. - Okay.
Love you.
- She seems sad, don't you think? - Yeah, no, she's in trouble.
Hey. Can I hang with you?
- Yeah. Great. - Yeah.
It's nice to talk to someone who's not lactating.
- Thanks. - Are you...
- Are you on Wordfeud? - No.
- Evan! - Guilty. Yeah, sorry.
- Sorry. Sorry. - You have officially failed your reunion.
- Really? - Give me your hand.
- Okay. - There's still time to turn it around.
- Let's go dance. - Are we doing this? Oh, God.
Oh, come on. You used to be a great dancer.
Let's see it.
Come on, you got it.
- Don't be shy. - I am really... I'm shy.
Oh. Do you ever make it to New York?
- To New York? - Yeah.
Not really, no.
Really? 'Cause your Tinder profile says otherwise.
What is this?
- Are you cockblocking yourself? - No!
- That is a block of a cock. - Give me... I... Stop.
Why does everyone give me shit about that?
I like it. It doesn't matter.
I mean, it'd be cool if you were trying to bang
the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
Seems like you're on Tinder too now.
- Yeah. Unfortunately. - Yeah.
I meant, how's it been going?
It's the worst. But you know, actually,
I would say that the worst date still in sophomore year.
We smoked a blunt - in the parking lot. - Yes, we did.
You didn't talk to me for, like, two hours.
Yeah, 'cause I thought - I was dying. - Yeah?
You know?
And you avoided me for the rest of the school year.
Yeah. Yeah, thank you for reminding me
of my most humiliating date ever.
- You're welcome. - Thank you.
It was so bad, I would give you a redo.
Really?
I appreciate the pity.
You're safe with me.
Oh, Jesus.
I don't think Mathew's wife would appreciate that.
- Oh, it's a party. - That's a really cool move, though.
- Hey! - Yeah!
- Fucking love it. - Come on!
Man.
Oh.
Hey.
Yeah!
- Knock it off. - Whoa.
Oh, God, it's getting - heated over there. - What's up?
Hey, come on, Meagan. We partying.
- Baby, what you talking about? - We fighting.
- Whoa! Whoa! - I just said, knock it off!
You almost broke my fucking arm, you sociopath!
Hey, hey, hey! Come on, you guys. Calm down.
- It's good, it's a party. - No, I'm not calming down.
She's fucking crazy.
And guess what? I'm pressing charges. That's right.
- You a police officer. Yeah. - You gonna press charges?
You gonna press fucking charges? You know what? Fuck you!
- Meagan? - All of this!
Fuck it all!
It's okay, buddy. Calm down.
Okay... RAY: Crazy-ass ho.
No, no, no, no, no!
- Meet me outside. - Why you gotta be...
Fuck you, I ain't going outside.
I have something I'd like to say.
I would like to make a toast.
To the class of 2001.
It's been a long time.
But it's also been a long time...
coming.
Hmm.
Hello, Mathew.
Miss me?
What? Sorry, I... I don't know who you are.
Don't you recognize me?
- No... No, I don't. - Don't look at them.
They can't help you now.
I'll fill in the picture.
I used to have hair down to here.
You popularly coined it a hair cape.
Caught on quite well.
It's gotta sting, huh?
Seeing me like this.
Showing up to our reunion
after years of you all telling me
that I would never make it.
And yet, somehow, I'm wearing $62 shoes.
So the joke's on you.
If I could just call the old me...
Oh...
It's ringing.
Hey, Viv.
I'm in the future.
It all worked out.
Winning. Successful.
Yeah. The little sparrow you tried to crush
has turned into the golden goose.
I've waited 20 years to say this.
Ha... ha... ha!
So let's raise our glasses
to the class of Ridgeview High, yes?
Time to reap what you've sown.
Okay.
That's just the storm, everyone. Don't freak out. Uh...
Here, some phone light.
Ev, hey, will you come with me? Find the breaker box?
-Yeah. Yeah. -I'll be right back. Don't steal my shit!
Oh, my God, that was crazy, man.
- Do you remember that chick? - No, actually.
- This is a hell of a house. - Yeah, thank you.
You gonna get a reach-around from Jasmine tonight or what?
- I'm serious. - I... I...
Well, I'm... Okay, I hope this works.
- Hey! There it is. - Hey! Thank God!
Hey! Bada bing.
Oh. I just remembered something.
Check this out.
I got something that's gonna turn the night right around.
What do you got, man?
People are gonna shit their pants when they see this.
Holy shit, where the fuck did you get this?
- Oh! Nice shot. - Oh! Okay.
I didn't pull it out of my asshole, Evan.
I stole it 20 years ago. Started out in petty theft
before graduating to white-collar crime.
This thing is hideous. I forgot about it.
Okay, I'm gonna go put this thing on.
Oh, shit, you're gonna go to the party in it?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna go, "Go, Wildcats!"
Okay. Yeah. Argh!
- Don't let anyone upstairs. - Okay. Okay.
- Hey. - Oh, my God.
- Is she okay? - Yeah. She... She got the spins.
Oh, my God. What is this?
It's Vivian's yearbook.
Oh. I love the artwork.
Um. Have you seen Ray?
Yeah, he went outside.
Thank you.
Hey.
You okay?
Her crazy ass tried to stab me with a shoe.
- Huh? You saw that, right? - I did see that.
But you, you definitely did take it too far.
First of all, I didn't... I didn't go that far.
Yes, I gave a lot of pelvic action.
- That did happen. - I saw it.
But look, I got sloppy.
I saw her dance with Mathew, I got a little jealous.
But that was Meagan doing her Meagan shit.
No, it wasn't Meagan. - It was you, man. - Trying to be in my head.
You're acting like, what, you're 18 years old again?
You dress like you're 2001 Kanye.
You're working at the same part-time job you have been for 13 years.
You're embarrassing yourself, man.
But, I mean, that's a record for part-time jobs,
probably, 13 years without being promoted.
And my point exactly.
Wow!
You're acting like you care what these motherfuckers think.
You didn't even want to come to this fucking party.
Yeah. You sit with Meagan in your head.
Do whatever you got to do.
I'm freezing. I'm going inside.
No, I'm not comfortable with that.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not gonna do it.
This is the end of the conversation.
- You good? You okay? - Yeah.
- How's Ray? - Oh. He's a dumpster fire.
Come on, - let's go get another drink. - No, I can't.
Oh. There's Matty. Hey, buddy.
- Oh, Jesus. - Did he just slap you on the butt?
Not hard enough, actually.
Come on, - let's go get another drink. - No, I shouldn't.
I have a work thing tomorrow morning,
and whenever I drink too much, it's a shit show.
On time. Look at this. Jell-O shots.
I feel good about this. This is good.
Thank you so much. Opportunity awaits.
- Just one. - Just one.
Triple vodka, whatever's most expensive.
Mmm.
Have a drink with me. Come on.
One for him.
Yeah.
A toast to your future congresswoman.
- Cheers. - Thank you.
Mmm.
Goddamn it, that's good. Give me another.
Whoo! We're getting fucked up tonight!
Are you registered to vote?
Nope. I don't trust politicians.
Terrific.
Come on, we gotta be quick.
We need to get out before we get stuck here.
Hey-o!
Hey-o. Good seeing you.
- Shh. - I'm not saying anything.
- I'm really drunk. - No!
Tequila.
- You smell like tequila. - I do?
Edward 40 Hands.
- Let's do it! - Let's go!
Hell, yeah!
Man, this is harder than I remember.
That guy's casually drinking his.
Put some energy - in that shit, man! - Come on!
Come on, Ted!
- Hey, man. We're out. - Wait, where's everyone going?
- I think it's the storm. - Why is everyone going home?
Are you the fun police?
Are you making people leave?
No, it's... Come on, I need to have fun!
- Okay, let's have fun. - I deserve to have fun.
- You do. - I work my ass off year after year.
I don't get a promotion.
- Yeah, I'm sorry. - My boyfriend got transferred to London.
- I don't want to know about that. - He got transferred to London.
Do you know what he said? He said he doesn't see a future for us.
- I'm sorry. - He says that he...
doesn't think that I'm gonna take to London.
Who fucking says that? "Take to London."
I like British Bake Off.
- Yeah, I do too. - I watch The Crown.
- Agreed. - I used to have really bad teeth
- when I was young, you know? - Okay. That's okay.
It's okay.
- Bro. - See you.
Okay, okay.
No, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be that fucking girl
who gets drunk and cries at a fucking party.
A little too late, but... JASMINE: Annoying!
- You're doing good. - I just want to have fun.
- Okay. - I don't care about the blizzard.
I don't care about the snow.
Neither do I.I want you to suck it.
No. I'll have a... I'll put it in a glass or something.
- But come on. - Okay.
Oh, come on.
- Stacy. - Oh! Ray!
Hi.
Yeah, it's crazy.
How you... How you been?
Good, good. Really good.
- Yeah? - It's a magical night, huh?
This has been... It's so magical. It's been, like, just beautiful.
Just a great time seeing everybody and everything, you know.
Yeah. Ray, honey, can I just skip in front of you?
Because I'm actually going for two.
Sorry, but I gotta pee so bad.
If I don't go in there, I'm gonna pee on myself.
For sure, for sure, it's just that I'm pregnant.
I get it, yeah. Somebody knocked you up. That's fine.
That's nice. It's a beautiful thing.
Gonna have a child and everything.
But I gotta pee, I'm sorry. I would let you go first.
Like, if it was the Titanic, maybe you would go first, but...
- Are you fucking kidding me? - I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Get out of my way! Sorry! It's an emergency!
Okay, okay.
Fucking game.
Is everything okay in there?
Um. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
What... No.
- Excuse me! - I said I was fine!
You let me pee first, and I will help you.
Really?
Yeah. It's not a big deal.
I mean, I've jerked you off before.
Remember? Eighth grade? At the movies?
I got no choice.
Yes. Yes, go ahead. Go, go.
I swear I'm only having, like, one, two more kids, max.
Who gives a fuck? Please. I gotta pee. Hurry up.
I gotta go. I gotta go.
Okay, I got you.
Down! Down! Okay!
Okay. That's better.
- Yes. - There we go.
Okay.
What are you doing? Ooh. Whoa.
You're really doing this, huh?
For old time's sake.
Oh, shit, that feels so good.
Give us a minute!
- Let's go! - Yes!
Just... Just give us 32 seconds!
You okay there? You all good?
Okay.
Oh, shit.
I got to get these off my hands.
Hey, here.
Oh, man. Get that.
Let's go!
♪ You were always
♪ Something that I want
♪ You were always
♪ Something that I want
♪ Let's work it out Let's work it out ♪
Hey, Mathew?
Mathew?
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! - Jasmine, you okay?
- What's up? - Oh, my God. It's Mathew.
Did someone just scream?
Why?
- Wh... why are you screaming? - Jesus Christ!
There is frost on my scrotum. It's freezing in here.
Mathew's dead.
- What? - What?
I'm sorry.
- Coffee? - Yes, please.
You want some cream or sugar?
Bourbon.
This is outrageous. How is there no service?
Mathew said the reception up here was bad.
I mean, you could try connecting to the Wi-Fi.
I don't think that's gonna happen.
Somebody decided to drown the modem.
Good Lord.
Fuck!
Okay, so we have no Wi-Fi and the landlines are down.
Perfect. I'm sure it'll take the Department of Power two days
to get everything running in this bumblefuck county.
Aren't you running for congress in this district?
Yes, Jasmine. That was the plan.
But now, I'm following the path of Ted Kennedy
with my very own Chappaquiddick.
- Hm. - Someone has died,
and all you can think about is your political career.
I feel very sad for you.
If I lose this primary,
a 78-year-old casino pervert will win this election.
Is that what you want?
Another bronze man with a shriveled dick
- running this place? - Come on, stop.
What's his stance on education?
That's what you took from this?
Hey, you guys?
I got a text message from Mathew.
- When? - Last night at 4:00 a.m.
I'm just getting it because I'm charging my phone.
Okay, what does the text say?
Well, spit it out, Miss Park. We've had enough suspense.
Maybe she's playing a game.
We have to guess?
Uh... He sexted her.
Yeah. How did you know?
Because he sexted me too.
- Oh. - He was completely wasted.
- Oh, yeah. - That's disgusting.
We know the man was horny before he died.
Okay, come on, people.
What's the plan? Walk to town?
That's about a seven-mile walk,
and with the cold and the weather like this,
you get hypothermia by the time you hit the end of the driveway.
Um...
Okay, so...
what is your proposal, Evan?
Amanda, I... Honestly, I don't think
there's much we can do till the landlines come up.
- How long is that gonna be? - I don't know.
- I don't know either. - You're the cop.
Do something.
There might be some reception outside. Um...
I'll check the front lawn. You go to the back, Ray.
- Excuse me, run that by me again? - Go check the back lawn for reception.
You want me to... You want me to go outside?
Yeah. See if there's any reception on your phone.
Yeah, but there's a lot of snow on the ground,
it's like three feet, man.
I don't want to... It's cold out there.
Yeah, just go. Just... I... Ugh!
Anybody else want to...
Damn.
"Oh, Ray, you..."
"You go out here and check the back."
"Nobody else 'cause you do whatever the fuck I say."
Fucking shit.
Fuck.
Dispatch, this is Unit 12. Do you copy?
These lemons are fake.
No luck with the radio.
What about a signal?
So, what do we do?
While I was out there, something weird I discovered.
All the security cameras were shut off.
Did you see any tracks in the back?
Like, footprints in the snow coming or going from the house?
No, I actually didn't.
I was hoping to see some so I wouldn't have to tread
through three feet of fucking snow.
Does anyone know when the storm ended last night?
Yeah, it was supposed to be after, what, 3:00 a.m.?
And what time did Mathew text you?
- Like 4:00 a.m. - So if there's no footprints
or car tracks in the snow,
that means no one left the party after 3:00 a.m.,
and Mathew had been alive for at least an hour,
because he didn't text you till 4:00 a.m.
Right.
And that means...
That means Mathew...
was murdered after the other guests were gone.
So, what are you trying to say?
That the killer is one of us.
Okay, I'm just gonna say what everyone is thinking.
Yes, we should say how we feel.
Be honest.
That's not... No.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Evan, grab her arms.
- What? No! - What do you mean, grab her?
There has to be rope or something somewhere.
- Rope? - Come on. We all know that it's her.
- I mean, look at her. - How dare you?
This is my deceased mother's smock.
We all saw her Charles Manson yearbook, no?
- Yes. - Okay? And she called Mathew out last night
- in front of everybody. - Amanda, put the knife down.
Okay, fine. But if she slits your throats,
not my fault.
Okay, just breathe for a second. Oh!
- Stop! - I'm being assaulted! I'm being assaulted!
You point a knife at me again, and I will murder you too.
She just confessed.
No, I meant if you murder me, I'm gonna murder you back.
To be clear, I've never killed anyone.
This will be my first kill.
If you could just say that real quick one more time.
- Fine. Fine. I'm Vivian Chase. - Stop.
Okay, everybody chill the fuck out.
Damn!
What the fuck is wrong with y'all?
It's only been 20 minutes,
y'all acting like this is The Hunger Games.
Now, look, Vivian got shit-faced last night.
But just because she got sloppy drunk
doesn't mean she's a murderer.
- Okay? - Ah-ha!
And look, if we could be real,
all of us had a little beef with Mathew, okay?
He was a preppy, Hugo Boss-shirt-wearing asshole.
Rest in peace.
Yes, rest in peace.
Look, y'all, in high school,
we all had these little weird grudges.
It's just us being high schoolers, okay?
It's people you still don't fucking like, okay?
Look, I'll give you a perfect example.
The person I know that hated Mathew the most...
I'm just being straight up, is Evan.
I mean, he talked hella shit about Mathew all the time.
Like, all the time.
But that doesn't mean he did anything, you know?
That's right. I remember.
Mr. West was the all-American receiver.
Destined for glory,
and then cut down in the prime of his life.
Junior year.
I had a scholarship to Michigan. Full ride.
And one practice, Mathew hit me a little too hard
and shattered my knee into 15 places.
And I lost my scholarship. That's true.
- True. - Doomed for a life of mediocrity
in a town you grew up in.
I bet that made you pretty angry, Mr. West.
Or, dare I say,
murderous?
It's just the way you say shit, man.
It's just so fucking intense.
He didn't do... It's true.
Fuck... Shut up. Fuck what you talkin' about?
- You're drunk. - It's true. It's true. I didn't like Mathew a lot.
I didn't, but I didn't kill him.
Can we agree, can we just calm down for a second?
No one's assuming anyone is anything.
I just think we need
a moment to relax, eat something. Yeah.
Let's eat something. We should eat.
Is that cool?
No more pointing fingers, no anything.
Wow. Top cop.
That's a top cop right there, coming up with a game plan.
How about we get some food? Let's eat.
- Yes. - Let's eat.
Let me see what's in here.
Let's see what Mathew got. He has...
Eggs, anyone?
Lipstick? Really?
My wife doesn't even know I'm here.
She's in Boston, visiting her sister.
Okay.
Is anyone else freezing?
- Yes. - Yes.
Don't you think someone should go upstairs
and, you know, close Mathew's window?
Hey, um, we'll go.
- Yeah. - We'll go?
Yeah. - Let's close the window. - Yeah.
I want you comfortable, you know?
Be right back.
You'd think this would be warm, but it's...
actually surprisingly thin.
Thank you for volunteering us, buddy.
Hey.
Hey, look, somebody had to step up.
Listen, do not touch anything. Put the gloves on, okay?
We go in, close the window, get out.
You think I'm some type of idiot or something?
I know how crime scenes work. I watch cop shows all the time.
- Ugh. Shit. - Oh, Shit.
I heard dead bodies stink, but not like this.
Come on, let's get out of here. What are you doing?
Come here, look. Just come here. Look at this. Look.
Okay.
It's a wardrobe with a bullet hole in it.
Should I open it?
No. You should not.
Do not open it. No, do not... What did I say?
Just don't touch anything.
Hey, man, why don't you do me a favor
and stop complaining and look around some more.
- For what? What am I looking for? - I don't know.
Look around. Look for clues. Look under the bed.
There's a dead body on the bed.
Just look under there, please.
I'm going to look under the bed.
Oh, look, nothing under the bed.
Okay, can we go now, please?
It's starting to smell in here. Thank you.
Okay.
Wait, wait, hold on. Just think about this for a second.
None of this seems strange to you?
All of it seems strange to me.
I mean, our classmate got shot, yes.
Besides that. Like, why would he have a window open
in the middle of a blizzard?
I don't know. Maybe he was hot last night. I don't know.
So you think he got up, stumbled his ass over there
and opened the fucking window, and the snow flew in his face
- and he went back to bed? - Maybe he was shit-faced...
That don't make fucking sense.
Okay, I'm not playing investigator with you. Okay?
- This is too crazy. - I'm not trying to.
But there's some obvious shit. First of all, he got shot twice,
and there's one random shot in the wardrobe.
Who the fuck they had shooting, Stevie Wonder?
I don't know.
I'm not an investigator. This is not what I do.
I'm fucking terrified.
Everybody downstairs - is terrified, okay? -Yeah.
There's a murderer running around here.
We can't just sit around getting fucking shit-faced with Mr. Buckley.
We need to figure this shit out.
Matter of fact, you got to step up, man.
We need some leadership right now. Come on, man.
- Come on. - Okay, okay.
First, we got to find the murder weapon, right?
Don't give me that... I know...
Because you know, you're prep... You're ready for this shit.
- I know. - This is your time to shine.
- Gotta be cool about this. - Okay, we'll be cool.
But I'm excited. I can't help it.
What is it that you, um...
that you do, exactly?
What do you mean?
Your occupation. Lawyer? Doctor?
Uh. No.
Those types of jobs are very difficult
when you're neurologically diverse.
You're schizo. That makes more sense.
No, I suffer from somnambulism.
Sleepwalking.
But to answer your question,
what I do day-to-day for work
is I am an online vigilante.
And what is that, exactly?
Hm. Well, we help the helpless.
We speak for those who have no voice.
We walk the walk. We talk the talk.
I guess I'm most famous for rescuing the Anderson children.
Oh, wow.
Please don't touch the photo.
Oh.
So you rescue cats?
Yeah. Harder than humans.
You have no idea how hard it is
to find an unspayed tabby in Essex County, do you?
Oh. They all look the same.
So you're, uh, one of those weird trolls
from Don't Fuck with Cats.
She brought it up.
Here we go.
Legally, I'm not allowed to talk about the film.
People are taping us.
There's cameras.
You have to speak up. There's... I can't...
I was cut from the final product.
There was an incident.
Oh, God.
Let's just put it this way.
They wouldn't have caught the guy without me.
Does that pay well? Googling cats?
Are you interrogating me?
Okay, let's just leave her alone.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm just trying to make conversation.
We're snowbound, and I don't want to be
the first one to get eaten by the Donner Party.
Oh. We have gone from murder
to cannibalism very quickly.
Hey, guys, if you're done with breakfast,
I want to talk to you in the living room. Is that cool?
Okay, here's the plan, guys.
We're gonna search the house for the gun.
And when we find the gun, we find the killer.
Clearly the weapon is in Murder Poppins' bag.
I thought her name was Mary.
How about this. Circle up. Bring it in. Come on.
Now can you please put your hands
in the pocket or purse of whoever's next to you
and pull out the contents?
- What? - Just everyone...
Okay.
Where are your pockets?
- Yeah, come on. - Okay.
You have nothing to hide. Let's do this.
- Ouch. Watch it. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Sorry. - Jeez.
Where'd you get this?
Oh, uh, I picked it up off the floor last night.
I think somebody was dancing a little too hard.
Probably lost an earring, you know.
- Hm. More cats. - Everyone good?
Nothing, right? No one found anything?
- Amanda? - Yes.
Great, let's start searching upstairs.
Let's start with Vivian's room.
I didn't make my bed.
There's no gun in the closet.
Clear.
What?
Clear.
Hey.
- Did you find something? - Me? Nothing.
What is that? Ah!
- Amanda! Where are you going? - Hey! Hey!
Stop!
We've got a murderer! Get her!
- Get her! - She's running!
I got it! I got it!
Come on! Push! Push!
No! No!
Okay, grab it! Grab it!
No!
I have that same TV in my kitchen.
[ON TAPE] Is it on? MATHEW: [ON TAPE] Yes, it's on.
Make sure you're recording.
You sure you want to do this?
Read my fucking slogan.
That is a fascist slogan.
I'm gonna be class president.
Stop it.
Okay, car's gone.
Tina's parents are on vacation,
which means that little skank is home alone.
Amanda, put your mask on.
- Is that Tina Ripley's house? - Yeah.
She had to drop out of the election
because she was in the hospital or something.
Yeah, she had this nut allergy.
Shh.
Okay, quiet, quiet.
Hey, Tina.
Tina. Good morning!
- Oh, shit! - Oh, my God!
Fuck!
Go! Go! Go!
Amanda, Jesus Christ,
she was in a coma for three weeks.
Not my fault she didn't have her EpiPen on her.
Hey, Mathew,
get over here and make out with the next class president.
You look good from here.
This looks bad.
Oh, my God!
What are you doing? Get your ass over here.
Oh, my God, speaking of ass,
should we try anal tonight?
Fuck, yeah.
Right.
Wait. So you poisoned Tina just to be class president?
And she was fine in the end.
Wow. Wow.
Okay, this can never see the light of day.
Actually, Amanda, I think it would be helpful
if you can explain a little bit about this.
It's not what you think.
I had nothing to do with Mathew's murder.
Look, nobody said you had anything to do with his murder.
That's not what we're saying.
I am. I think so.
I mean, Mathew shot the video,
and then someone shot Mathew.
Little Miss Peanut Poisoner is looking mighty suspicious.
I didn't kill him.
Okay, well, if that's the case,
I just got a question, you know.
How did you obtain this video from 20 years ago?
A few weeks ago, I received a copy of the tape
with a note telling me to wait for instructions.
Blackmail? Someone blackmailed you?
Who would... Who would do that?
I don't know.
I thought maybe it could be Mathew,
because, well, because he shot the video.
But I really had no idea.
Look, I never wanted to come to this shitty
high school reunion, okay?
Then why did you?
But then a week ago, I got another note that said
I should come to the party,
go to the garage
and cut the power at exactly 10:45 p.m.
- What? - Dear God.
The note said that if I did that,
I would find the only copy of the tape
in the toolbox in Mathew's basement.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You shut the power out at 10:45, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Then after that,
you retrieved the videocassette from Mathew's basement.
Then what?
That was it. I just went back to the party.
Raged like it was 2001.
Huh.
I will be the first to admit
I'm not perfect.
Sorry.
I struggle with empathy.
The tests have proved that.
And how do they test for that?
They show you a lot of videos of dead animals, and...
I feel nothing.
I want you to look at this photo.
This is Emily.
She was eaten by owls.
Nothing?
The point is, I am on the verge of victory,
and my opponent is trying to lower the age of consent.
I mean, I am not gonna throw away
my entire campaign and let it all go to shit
because of a stupid tape from my childhood.
I mean... RAY: Look, it won't do that, okay,
Amanda, because guess what? None of us is gonna leak this tape.
Good.
Because, trust me,
you do not want to be on my shit list.
Yes, everyone's seen what happens to your enemies.
Dispatch, this is Unit 12. Do you copy?
Hey, you know something, I was thinking...
who would blackmail Amanda?
We don't even know if she's telling the truth.
She could be making the whole thing up.
What if she is telling the truth?
Dispatch, this is Unit 12. Do you copy?
Fuck.
The only thing I could think of is...
what if Mathew's killer...
is the one that blackmailed Amanda
and had her cut the power off?
Well...
why would Mathew's killer
need Amanda to cut off the power?
I don't know, but that's exactly what we need to find out.
I haven't been this pumped in years.
I feel like I'm in my own real-life escape room.
Well, I hope you're thrilled,
'cause it looks like we're gonna spend
another night here.
I'm only getting static on the radio.
Come on, let's go inside. It's freezing out here.
Pass the chicken Balti pie, please.
Uh, sure.
The cauliflower pizza's pretty good.
- Yes, it is. - It's gluten-free.
Jesus!
What's wrong, Amanda?
What's wrong?
We're stuck like rats in a maze
in this goddamn murder house.
Look, let's try to keep a positive attitude, okay?
The house is... you know, a lot is happening,
but it's a comfortable place.
I think Mathew and his wife did an amazing job with decor.
Yes, it's a faux Tudor with a splash of douche.
I suppose if we're gonna die in Versace's asshole,
at least we're surrounded by the people that we love.
It is wickedly exciting, isn't it?
Nothing makes you feel more alive
than to be a stone's throw from death.
Easy there, Stephen King.
♪ Seven little ducklings Trapped in the snow ♪
♪ One gets shot
♪ Now there's six to go ♪
♪ Whoever dies next
♪ I hope it's not slow ♪
That's very good.
♪ Who can we trust
♪ Be you friend or foe? ♪
Hey, okay, Jesus, you're scaring the shit out of me.
Yup.
That's weird. Um...
Listen, guys, it's never taken more
than a couple days for the landlines to come back
after a blizzard.
Uh...
What the fuck is she doing with that?
I am protecting myself. I felt like that was obvious.
Oh.
Someone here is a murderer.
So I'm taking these weapons
and I'm barricading myself in a guest room for the evening.
Does anyone have a better idea?
I mean, look, the weapon of choice is very questionable.
But you know something?
That's not a bad idea.
Actually, it's a great idea.
We should all go into one of the guest rooms tonight,
lock ourselves in.
If you hear, you see anything, just scream my name.
Evan! - Jesus, what?
I'm just practicing.
Holy...
Shut the fuck up.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - No, it's cool. It's cool.
Hope we didn't wake anyone up.
What are you doing up?
I just figured I'd use the bathroom now before,
you know, barricading myself in the room.
- That's a good plan. - Jesus.
- It's a bit of a combat zone. - Sorry, yeah.
Except I'm not winning any Pulitzers.
No. Well, I hope you do.
Yeah, it's...
I hope the next time we actually meet up...
No one's murdered.
Yeah. That would be nice. That would be good.
I was gonna say different circumstances,
but, yeah, yeah, no murders.
You know, I feel like...
What?
I feel like the silver lining in all of this is that
at least we got to reconnect.
Yeah, it's kind of weird,
but I'm kind of glad I'm stuck here with you.
- Me too. - Yeah.
- Where are you sleeping? - Uh...
I don't know, maybe down the hall or something like that.
I feel like I'd feel a lot safer
to know that you were... you were close.
Yeah.
So I'll talk to you...
Gonna be probably... I'll try to see if that room
or that... maybe the one above you is good.
Do you need anything from the kitchen?
I'm just gonna run to the kitchen real fast. Is that... You're good?
- Hey, Ev. - Yeah?
If I die here tonight,
I just...
I just want to tell you...
that your Tinder profile sucks.
What?
You've got to change the picture.
Help me tom... whenever we get service up.
Just help me fix it. That'll be great, yeah.
Good advice.
Good night.
- Who is it? - It's me.
- "Me" who? - Me, the killer.
Come on, it's Evan.
Just open the door.
- Oh, hey. - What's up?
I just wanted to say good night.
- You okay? - Good night to you, man.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Think you gonna sleep tonight? - I'll try my best.
I don't know, man. This is all kinda really weird.
- It is, man. - I don't know what to do about it.
- How do you feel about it? - I don't know.
My wheel's been turning all night.
I'm just trying to figure out who actually did it,
because I know I need to do a career change.
I really think I could be a professional
at solving mysteries and stuff.
What, like Scooby-Doo?
Have a van and drive around town?
We don't necessarily got to get a van,
but we can drive around town solving mys...
I mean, that sounds cool, but I'm dead serious.
Let me tell you this.
If me and you solve this murder,
then we could be private investigators.
Start our own company. Best friends.
I mean, that's...
Yeah, man.
- You'll think about it? - I'll think about it, man.
Yeah, good night, dude.
Okay, good night. Hey, lock your door.
- Okay. - You promise to lock your door?
- I'm gonna lock it. Good night. - Okay, good. Good night.
- Good night. Good night. - Good night.
- Yo, Ray. - Good night.
Theodore Buckley.
Dirty.
Vivian?
Dirty. Dirty. Dirty.
Can't run. Can't run away.
Vivian!
- Vivian. - Don't.
- You're sleepwalking. - It's out there.
Wake up. Vivian?
Vivian.
Vivian, no, no! Hey, wake up.
No, no, no. No, no, no. What do we do?
Stop. Vivian, wake up.
Now That's What I Call Music.
Oh, my God.
Volumes one, two,
three...
Let's go to sleep.
Let's just go right to the couch.
I just want one grilled cheese, because I'm not that hungry.
Okay, let's go to sleep.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
What the hell?
What was that?
What the hell is going on out there?
Jasmine. Jasmine.
Oh, my God. Jasmine. What happened?
Okay, stay awake. You gotta stay awake,
Okay? Stay awake.
Why is she on the ground? Is she unconscious?
Someone left cereal on the stairs.
Everything okay?
Jasmine, are you okay? Jasmine! Jasmine!
It's Mr. Buckley.
What?
Mr. Buckley left the cereal on the stairs.
Oh, God.
Another one?
Is she dead?
- Ow. - Okay, sorry. Sorry.
It's looking a little better. Swelling's going down.
I'm sorry that I haven't been completely honest
with you guys.
For several months now, the paper has been investigating
a story on Mathew's hedge fund.
We have reason to believe that Mathew and his partners
were embezzling over $100 million
of their clients' money.
I'm not surprised. It's on brand.
My editor and I got in a fight the other night
because he wanted me to use this reunion as a way
to get access to Mathew's personal computer.
But that's exactly what you did.
Well, I wasn't going to.
And then he passed away and I figured, why not?
You know, whatever I find won't hurt him.
You conniving little weasel.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Bravo.
I know. It's unethical
and totally out of character. I just...
I hit a wall at work, and...
I don't know, I really thought this story would help my career.
Yeah, it would. I'm genuinely impressed.
All right, so did you actually find anything on his computer?
Yeah.
I found an extensive list of Mathew's clients.
And one of the names that popped up...
was Theodore Buckley.
So is it true?
Is your name Theodore?
Why don't you tell us why you're here,
Mr. Buckley?
I was invited.
Don't dodge the question.
Why would a creepy old history teacher
who doesn't like his students come to their reunion?
Theodore Buckley
invested $300,000
and lost his money in Mathew's firm.
Are you suggesting that I killed Mathew?
I'm suggesting that Mathew is responsible
for losing your entire life savings.
I'm suggesting that you must hate every fiber in his being.
I do, and I am glad
that that motherfucking con man is dead.
Great. That settles that.
He ruined me.
And it wasn't just my life savings.
I cashed in my pension.
I took out a second mortgage. I gave it all to him.
So you killed him, right?
You came to this party to murder Mathew.
I don't know!
I don't know why I came.
He wouldn't return my calls.
He completely avoided me after he lost all my money.
He just said it was a risk that every investor takes.
I was so stupid.
All he had to do was buy me some drinks.
Tell me I was his favorite teacher,
which we know is a lie,
'cause I am no one's favorite teacher.
Yeah, no shit.
The trunk of that car is open.
Oh. Fuck.
No. Meagan.
It's okay, it's okay. Hey, it's okay, man. It's okay.
It's okay. Let's go inside. Let's go inside.
What the fuck, yo?
It's okay.
Okay, who was the last person to see Meagan alive?
I was.
Did she indicate to you or to anyone else
that she was in trouble?
Of course not.
Who would want to hurt Meagan?
Why was this in your pocket, Ray?
What is that? What is it?
- It's an earring. - It's Meagan's earring.
I found it in Ray's pocket
when we were searching each other yesterday.
Why do you have that?
- Let me explain. - I think any time
between now and also now would be great.
Or maybe even now?
Look, when we went upstairs
to close the window in Mathew's room,
I found the earring on the floor.
And I decided to put it in my pocket
- and, um, you know, hide it. - Why would you do that?
Because if somebody else found an earring,
they probably would blame Meagan for Mathew's murder.
Look, she's not capable of killing anybody.
The only thing she's ever killed was my feelings, that's right.
She fucked me up inside, but she's not a "killer" killer.
Okay, so you were covering for her.
- That's all I was doing. - Okay.
Yes, that's it.
- Give me your shoe. - What?
- No. What are you doing, man? - Give me your shoe, bro.
- What you want my shoe for? - Give me your shoe, Ray.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Now my foot is fucking cold!
I don't want to fight. Just take it.
Why? What?
I don't know. I'm very lost.
Everyone's gone crazy!
Oh, fuck.
Ray.
It's your footprints going to the trunk of the car.
No, how is that possible?
Why are your footprints out there, man?
- I don't know! - Come on!
- Hey. - Lock him up!
- Put it down. - You guys all saw Meagan
and Ray fighting at the party.
Screaming, ready to rip each other's throats out.
Yes, yes, I remember the look in their eyes.
Dancing flames of pure hatred.
Ray caught Mathew and Meagan together.
He walks into Mathew's room, and then flew into a rage and...
Bang! Oscar Pistorius.
So y'all gonna - believe this bullshit? -Stop!
Can we just think about this a second?
You have cuffs in the car, - don't you? - Yeah.
So what... AMANDA: So we cuff him until help arrives.
Can we cuff who?
Hold on a second, okay? We can figure this out.
How about we vote?
We do live in a democracy.
- Do we? - We do.
Everyone in favor in cuffing Ray,
- raise your hand. - No, come on. Come on!
- Well, the people have spoken. - Okay!
Fuck it. Whoa!
I'm not... You and these weapons.
You grabbing knives. You get... What is wrong with you?
To calm everybody down,
I'll get cuffed.
My gosh, we're saved. We're saved!
Hello?
Who's this?
This is Jasmine Park.
What are you doing in my house?
Oh, fuck!
Where's Mathew?
Can you put my husband on the line, please?
Hello?
They're here!
It's about time.
Listen, man, I'm gonna keep the handcuffs on you,
but I'm gonna walk you down to my car
and take you straight home, okay?
The state police will do a full investigation
before making an arrest.
It's whatever, man, but something's not adding up.
What are you talking about?
We were so close to figuring this thing out. I mean...
Meagan's death doesn't make any sense at all to me.
It's like it's a jigsaw puzzle, and the last piece is a LEGO,
- and I just can't figure it out. - Calm down, man. It's okay.
- What you mean, calm down? - I mean calm down.
There's two dead bodies here and they're blaming me.
- I got handcuffs on me. - Yeah. I know, I know.
Oh, that's what it is. You think I'm the murderer.
Ray, I've known you since you were six years old.
You've done some stupid shit.
You're not a murderer.
It's okay.
- Hey, how's it going, Keith? - Hi, Evan.
How is it out there?
- Clear the roads? - Evan? Hey, this is Lisa, Mathew's wife.
Hey. Uh... Evan. Evan West.
Officer. Representative Tanner.
- Thank you so much for coming. - Thank you.
Backup will be here soon.
Please take - all the time you need. -Hey!
Oh, my God!
- Everybody, get back! - Hey, Ray?
Just get back. Just get back. We're not leaving the house yet.
- Okay? - You fucking imbecile.
If I win in November, I'm cutting police funding.
This is what convinced you?
Ray, shoot her first.
Both of y'all chill, okay? I'm not...
I'm not gonna shoot anybody unless I have to, okay?
But that's not what I wanna do. I just want to chat.
I just want to go to the living room
and chat, that's it.
Okay, what would you like to have a chat about?
Just give me ten minutes.
Well, I still have a glass of Balvenie I need to finish,
so you have my undivided attention until then.
Cool.
Get to the living room.
Now that I got your attention,
we can get started.
Like we had a choice.
Yeah, you didn't have a choice, but you're here, so leave it alone.
Okay? Because one of you is a cold-blooded murderer.
And I know you all think it's me.
But it's not.
So listen, who would want to kill
our fellow classmate Mathew?
So I started thinking.
Maybe it could be our old history teacher.
He just lost his lifelong savings.
He needs some money. And maybe he's the killer.
Or maybe it's the original mean girl, that's right.
The blackmail politician who would do anything
to stay at the top.
Maybe you killed Mathew.
Or maybe it was the deadbeat townie
who killed his ex-girlfriend.
You know what I don't understand about you?
I have a whole gun in my hand,
and you still talking shit.
Shut the fuck up, Amanda!
All of us been thinking it.
I know you're happy I said it. Do you want to say it with me?
- Shut the fuck up! - Shut the fuck up, Amanda!
If I had feelings, that might have hurt.
Wow, look, I get it. We all hated Mathew.
That's just the honest-to-God truth.
But to figure out who killed him,
we need to examine who here has the strongest motive.
Let's start with the end of the party.
The party ended at about 12:00, midnight.
Most of the people left.
We all stuck around because we was getting fucked up.
But then we couldn't leave because a storm came.
So we all spent the night.
But then when we woke up that morning,
our classmate Mathew was dead.
And then when we went outside looking for, like,
tracks, or footprints, or something,
there was nothing in the snow.
Which meant the murderer
was still in this house.
But then this was interesting. When me and Evan went upstairs
to close Mathew's window in his bedroom,
we saw a lot of odd shit at the scene of the crime.
For instance, why was Mathew's window open
in the middle of a storm? That don't make any sense.
Or why was there one shot in the wardrobe?
And why didn't we hear any gunshots at all?
And then hours had passed, right?
And we made even more discoveries,
which raised even more questions.
Every last one of us
had a relationship with Mathew, right?
Which is why killing him
at his high school reunion is brilliant.
Because what that did was, it made everybody
in the house a suspect.
Which is exactly what the killer wanted.
Here's what I think really happened.
Mathew got the lights back on and went up to his room
to put on the mascot outfit.
Baby, what are you doing here?
Is this a surprise? Sort of.
Lisa killed her fucking husband.
- What? - No!
See, after she wasted Mathew, right?
She decided to open a window to freeze the body overnight
so they wouldn't know the time of death.
Wow, Ray.
This is priceless.
Blaming the woman that just lost her husband?
She ain't lose her husband.
- She murdered her husband. - No, that's not possible.
She was in Westchester the night of the reunion.
Oh, was she? Huh? Matter of fact,
how far of a drive is Westchester from here?
- Like an hour? - Less.
Less.
Mr. Buckley, man, I fucks with you, you hear me?
Look, all that was is the perfect alibi.
Lisa would say she's at her parents' house
while Mathew was here dancing away with his classmates.
And no one would suspect her.
You can't be serious.
I'm dead serious!
Lady, it was you.
Matter of fact, now that I think about it,
I think about a couple things. First of all,
who throws a class reunion at somebody's house?
I don't know why we're not in the gymnasium.
That's how I know there's some bullshit going on.
Also, you had access to his home movies,
which is why you were able to blackmail Amanda.
Oh. The puzzle coming together now, ain't it?
Ah.
While Amanda was cutting the power out,
Lisa was hiding outside by the house.
Uh-huh. And then once the power was off,
Lisa snuck back into the house
not being seen by the security cameras.
Now, once upstairs,
she hid in the closet,
waiting on Mathew to change into that mascot costume.
Her plan was to put the mascot uniform on, right?
Sneak out the house,
head back to Westchester before the storm got too heavy,
and no one would know she was ever at this party.
But...
there was a complication.
And it threw a monkey wrench in the plan.
Just before the blackout, me and Meagan got into
a somewhat heated exchange, okay?
And I thought she left the party.
When in actuality, Meagan snuck upstairs to Mathew's bedroom
to hook up with him.
The fuck?
Meagan most likely saw Lisa
sneak into the sitting room.
And what she did was hide in the wardrobe,
where she witnessed Lisa... MATHEW: Baby, what are you doing here?
- Is this a surprise? - murder...
- Sort of. - her husband.
Lisa had to do what she had to do, right?
There couldn't be no witnesses, so she killed Meagan
and hid Meagan's body under the bed.
Then what she did was, she put Mathew's costume on, right?
Came downstairs and partied with us.
I mean, partied all night.
And I was thinking that wildcat can really dance.
Mathew didn't know how to dance like that.
I knew there was something off about that.
I'm just throwing that out there.
But then when the coast was clear,
she took the costume off,
turned the security cameras off,
and drove her crazy ass back to Westchester.
Wait a minute. No, that can't be right.
If Lisa went back to her parents' house,
then who sent the text from Mathew's phone at 4:00 a.m.?
Her accomplice.
See, Lisa couldn't plan this by herself, no.
Her accomplice...
is Evan.
Oh. What?
- No. - Shut the fuck up.
No.
Mm-hmm. It's Evan.
My best friend.
Are you out of your freakin' mind, Ray?
I wish I was.
But I'm not.
See, Lisa gave Evan the password to Mathew's phone
so he could text hours after he was killed,
hiding his time of death.
He used old nudes in Mathew's phone
to sext Amanda and Jasmine.
The reason why we didn't hear any gunshots last night
is because my good friend here, Evan,
took a silencer from the police evidence locker.
Something that could be easily put back
without anybody ever missing it.
Pretty smart.
But there was still a problem.
What do they do with Meagan's body?
Oh, look, nothing under the bed.
Can we go out, please? It's starting to smell in here.
See, when Lisa told Evan about Meagan's death,
they had to act quickly
or it would ruin all their plans.
So Evan decided to frame the most likely person
for Meagan's death.
Me.
So last night, when all of us was asleep, right,
Evan put on my boots and carried Meagan's dead body
to the trunk of the car.
But while he was doing it, he saw that somebody was awake.
So he got nervous.
He was scared he was gonna get caught.
So what he did was, disguise himself
in the wildcat costume.
And Jasmine was just unlucky enough
to run into him in the middle of the night.
Come on, you're fabricating everything,
and no one believes you. I'm sorry. Ray.
- Jasmine, back me on this. - I need a minute.
This is so messed up. I'm sorry, Ray...
You right, bro. It is really messed up.
Jasmine, do you remember
what you was hit on the head with last night?
It was a candlestick.
Yeah.
A candlestick.
You know something, when I saw it,
I was like, what is this little witchy,
weird thingy?
But it looked very familiar to me.
Jasmine, pull up your Tinder profile
and click on Evan's page for me.
- Oh. - Just think about it.
That candlestick looked like it could have been a part
of some type of costume,
or some type of event, you know.
You know, something like Horrorpalooza,
where Lisa and Evan attended together
as Phantom of the Opera.
Oh, my God, it's her.
That's her.
Holy shit.
I know. She's a horrible Christine.
But you know what's funny?
The candlestick is not even what tipped it off for me.
It was the cologne.
Yeah. See, we got the shower.
You know how we do when we get out the shower, fellas.
Spray a little cologne on the neck, so we smell good, huh?
It was Mathew's cologne in his bathroom,
which smells exactly like the cologne
you had on at the party.
Oh, yes, and because you sprayed too much, I smelled your ass.
Twice!
But I'm like, what is the chances
that Mathew and Evan has the same cologne?
Unless it was Lisa's favorite cologne.
La Nu... La Nu... La Na Nu...
Look, I failed French. You know, the Saint Laurent shit.
But look, that's when I realized, though,
that Lisa and Evan was fucking.
A.K.A., having a fucking affair.
I'm sorry, you're misleading people so much right now.
And maybe I do have the same cologne as Mathew,
but that doesn't make us murderers.
Does anyone else get that?
This is crazy.
Okay, well, do me a favor, man,
because, you know, you keep acting like
I don't know what I'm talking about.
I know you two had to, like, message each other,
- so let me see your phone. - Yeah. Sure. Yeah.
Look at my phone. You're not gonna find anything.
- There's no text. - Could you grab the phone for me?
You see my hands are full, brother. Damn.
There's nothing. There's no correspondence
about planning a murder anywhere.
You just think I ain't that smart, like I was born yesterday.
Let me tell you this.
There's so many different apps you could communicate on,
especially if you want to communicate
and you don't want anybody to know what you're talking about.
See, you don't remember. You showed me something
on one of our favorite apps we play all the time.
It's called Wordfeud.
That's right. Wordfeud.
Now, go to the chat box.
Whoa. Keep scrolling. Look at all these messages.
That's how y'all communicated.
- Wow. - And because of this,
you guys just learned
Lisa and Evan orchestrated and executed
the murder of Mathew.
And that's what the fuck happened! You did it!
Yes! I figured it out!
Nobody else did!
You two murdered Mathew
because you wanted to run away together,
be in love and spend all his fucking money!
I figured it out! I did it!
Mr. Buckley, you didn't believe in me,
you drunk son of a bitch!
And, Jasmine, you made up the story about the bullshit
about Meagan and Mathew fucking, and then I murdered them!
It never happened! And Vivian...
Amanda, and you as a politician, I loved you to death!
Nah, I'm lying. I won't vote for you!
Kiss my ass! I was right!
And let me tell you something, Evan...
Evan...
Please tell me I'm not right.
Murderer.
Homewrecker.
It's not you.
What?
It's not that you have shitty taste in men.
It's just that...
most men are just shitty.
Keith, can you give me a second? Just one second, please.
Just give me a second.
Ray, my best bud, man, I'm...
I'm sorry I dragged you into this.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to do any of this, I just...
You should be!
You know something? I don't want to hear shit you gotta say.
So take the deer piss that's on your jacket
and get the fuck out of here.
I've got to spend the next 40 years of my life
being nobody. A nobody.
You get that.
Evan, let me say this to you.
I'd rather be a nobody than a murderer.
And I'm neither, and you're both.
- I underestimated Ray. - You sure did.
You underestimated Ray.
And now you're going to jail.
- Yup. Let's go. - That's right.
I won't visit you.
I'm not gonna call you.
You're going to jail now!
Locked up, they won't let you out.
They won't let you out.
It's interesting what they do with the formaldehyde now
with the bodies... He's back.
Hey. Oh.
I'm sorry about your friend.
Yeah.
It's fucked up.
You were amazing.
You're incredible.
Not bad.
You know, our paper hires investigators all the time.
- You should think about it. - Wait, so you're saying
- you can get me a job? - Mm-hmm.
Ray Hammond, private investigator.
It has a ring to it.
You know something, y'all?
I don't want to be here no more.
- Let's get the fuck out of here. - Yes, please.
Would love to.
I have a request.
Will you all sign my yearbook?
While we're at it, why don't we get a photo
of this fucked-up weekend, huh?
Hey, coroner, come over here. We want a photo.
Yes. Just leave the bodies. It's cold enough.
Are we sure we want to document this?
All right.
Say "Evan."
Evan!