1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480
Now, the hare hops around the tree.
Now, the hare hops around the tree.

2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,280
And then she's startled!
She jumps into the hole.

3
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,000
And then she jumps into the hole.

4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,440
Put smoke in hole, wait with spear.

5
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:11,640
Put smoke in the... No.  What?

6
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,880
Sorry. No, that's not... No.

7
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,520
Oh, I'm just going to do a school
knot.  Not a proper knot, mate.

8
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:17,680
Are you stressed?

9
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:18,800
Don't be stressed.

10
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,480
You can always go back
to the gooseberry farm.

11
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,240
Well, you weren't there
when I left.  Hm.

12
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:23,960
Just think of the gate house.

13
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,800
I'm very proud of you.  Mm.  OK?

14
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,800
Aw! I remember my first day
at the bank. Terrible tummy ache.

15
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,040
Yes, my first day as CO,

16
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,840
I must admit I had some butterflies.

17
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,000
First time hunt mammoth,
me be bricking it.

18
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,480
What about you, Julian?  Me?

19
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,640
Well, can't say I've ever
suffered from first day nerves.

20
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,120
It's a bit short.  Oh.
That's how I used to do in school.

21
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,720
Ooh, yes. what about school?
What, Harrow?

22
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,240
Nah! It was like a second home.

23
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,080
Well, third home.
We had a second home.

24
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,600
Fourth if you count the one
in Provence.

25
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,360
University and so on?
Er, same boys, really.

26
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,400
Surely the first day in parliament
must have been...

27
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,080
Again - same boys, really.

28
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,560
So you're saying you've never been
in a situation

29
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,200
where you felt out of your depth?

30
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,240
Nah. Not that I can recall.

31
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,480
Hm.

32
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,560
WOMAN SOBBING, ECHOING:  Oh, God, no!

33
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,520
SIRENS WAIL 999, what's your emergency?

34
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,120
We think he's had a heart attack.
No, he isn't breathing.

35
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,760
Patient is unresponsive.

36
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:17,920
Clear!

37
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,520
DEFIBRILLATOR WHIRRING

38
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:20,680
Terminating CPR.

39
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:21,720
Hello?

40
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:24,720
Lindsay?

41
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:25,880
Lindsay!

42
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,160
What the hell is going on?!

43
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,360
They can't hear you.

44
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,800
Oh! What?

45
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,120
Uh!

46
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,960
Oh, no...

47
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,800
Oh...

48
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,160
Oh, dear.

49
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,720
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

50
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,960
New guy!

51
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,920
Alison, if I may,
since Michael is at work today,

52
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,040
I wondered if you might like
to accompany me

53
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,640
for a turn about the grounds?

54
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,040
Actually, I can't because...

55
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,720
Alison is spending the day
with me today, Thomas.

56
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,720
Dancing. She promised.
I did, actually.

57
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,320
I said we could make up
a dance routine

58
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,400
like I did with my friends
at school.  Mad.

59
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,320
Well, I can help you devise
your piece,

60
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,000
provide an outside eye,
constructive criticism...

61
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,960
Thomas, I don't want you to...
It's no trouble at all.

62
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,080
No, I don't think...  Shush now.
Nay, nay, nay.

63
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,480
Ugh!  OK.  OK.

64
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,200
Knock 'em dead.  Isn't he leaving?

65
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,040
No, he's working from home, online.

66
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,080
Mm!  Working from home? Fascinating.

67
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,920
You're going to be great. OK?

68
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,240
Hello! I invented that look.

69
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,440
Come on, Alison!

70
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,800
OK.  Let's start straight away.

71
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,520
Alison!  I was thinking that we could
grow from a seed...  Alison!

72
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,920
..into a flower...  Alison!

73
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,400
Ugh!  There's womens on television
talking about all sorts,

74
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,920
giving their 'pinions freely.

75
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:02,360
Loose Women, Mary. Awful programme.
Yes, yes! Loose Womens.

76
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,640
Me like Christine Lampard.

77
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,280
Oh, I do fear for them, Alison.
VEHICLE OUTSIDE

78
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:10,360
If the menfolk catch them so
wantonly expressing theirselves,

79
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,560
the loud one...  Coleen Nolan.

80
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,080
Well, she will be ducked for sure.
Mm.

81
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,000
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ooh! It's probably just a parcel.

82
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,440
I'll be one sec, OK?

83
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:19,840
KITTY:  Ugh!

84
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,080
You want play chess?

85
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,120
Er...

86
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,320
Not today, Robin.

87
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,160
Then I will play with myself.

88
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,400
Hi.  Hello.

89
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,040
Can I help you...?

90
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,560
Er, yeah.

91
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,840
Yeah?

92
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,280
Um, sorry, you're Alison,
aren't you?  Yes.

93
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,040
OK, well, my name's Lucy and, er...

94
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,800
Well, it's...probably going
to come as a shock.

95
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,160
Oh, God. Erm...

96
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,880
I'm just going to say it.
I think I'm your half sister.

97
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,080
Hi, everyone.  Hello.  Hi.

98
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,280
Looking very smart, Mike.
Loving the tie.

99
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,040
I won't take too much of your time
before you get cracking.

100
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,280
All the stuff we went through
in the induction meeting -

101
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,520
there are no quotas.

102
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,400
We are not a factory,
you are not machines, OK?

103
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,040
Having said that, keep the
numbers up, stick to the script

104
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,200
and don't ask open questions.
Got it.

105
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,920
Your job is to sign them up,
not to hear their life stories.

106
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,640
Excellent briefing.
She's right, Michael.

107
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,400
Quick in and out,
like special forces. Carry on.

108
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,800
I'll sometimes listen in and you can
talk to me in the chat window.

109
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,720
But please keep it to business.

110
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:38,960
Ah.

111
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,680
Is that a tongue sticking out?

112
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,560
No, no, no.  Does anybody have
any last questions?

113
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,640
It was just a summer thing, I guess.

114
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,280
I don't think it lasted long.

115
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,040
I don't like her.  Just a holiday
thing.  Her eyes are too far apart.

116
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,360
And she smells and she hit me.

117
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,160
She can't!  Well, she wanted to.
She's a baddie.

118
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,520
Then Mum found out she was pregnant

119
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,080
and she didn't have
an address for him,

120
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,600
so just got on with it, I suppose.

121
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,200
Do you take sugar?  One, please.

122
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,720
Same as me.

123
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:07,880
THOMAS:  Gosh!

124
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,400
So alike. Huh!

125
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,040
But, yeah, she tried the phone book
and stuff...  You all right, Thomas?

126
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,200
If they'd had Facebook, it would
have been different.  Huh?

127
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,280
Tea, one sugar.
Well, that's what she said,

128
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,640
but maybe she didn't want
to find him. Who knows?

129
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,320
It was only when I was 16
that my mum told me all this.

130
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,800
I mean, chinny reckon!

131
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,560
She sat me down and she said...
You know, I had this myself.

132
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,680
They show up out of the blue
with some story about

133
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,600
how you slept with their mother
at the party conference in '74

134
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,080
and how you should pay off
their student debt.

135
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,840
Did that really happen?
Well, yeah, once or twice.

136
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,000
And then I'm watching
a documentary on TV

137
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,200
and you come on and they show
a photo of you with your parents

138
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,000
and it's him.  Oh!  Gracious.

139
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,640
I... I just couldn't believe it.

140
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,240
All these years, all I've ever
had was his name...

141
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,120
I mean, where's the evidence?!

142
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,360
..and this photo.

143
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,280
Oh, right. That's him, to be fair.
Yeah. Same bloke.

144
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,920
Is this when he was living
in Cornwall?  Yeah.

145
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,360
Oh, my God.  I'm sorry. I know it
must be a bit of a bombshell.

146
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,680
KITTY:  We're meant to be
having fun today,

147
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,440
not listening to boring stories.

148
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,400
Ugh...  No, erm...  Alison!
No, no, it is.

149
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,560
Hurry it up!

150
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,280
Um, I could do your dance with you,
Kitty, if you like.

151
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,680
It's meant to be with Alison.
Just until she's ready to take over.

152
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,160
Fine! But we still need
the music on.

153
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,880
She's got a point, Alison.  Erm...

154
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,320
Do you...? Do you want
to see my photos?

155
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,960
Oh, my God, I'd love to.

156
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,840
Follow me.  Great.

157
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,480
Oh!  Whoa! That was close.

158
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,880
HEATHER BUTTON:  No,
the fundraiser's over.

159
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,240
He took his body away
in an ambulance.

160
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,160
Of course everyone's gone home.
Heather!

161
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,200
Heather!  I just hope to God
the press don't get hold of it.

162
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,720
Something very strange is
happening to me.

163
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:46,880
Whoa!

164
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,000
Oh, ha-ha-ha!  Don't worry.

165
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,360
You gets used to it.

166
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,520
You don't!

167
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,000
NEWS THEME

168
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,760
Where be the women?

169
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,880
REPORTER:  Several arrests have been
made in Watford today.

170
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,240
They have been cleared out.
The suspects have been remanded

171
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,040
in custody and will face trial next
month. If found guilty...  Trial.

172
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,000
A tr... Oh, dear!

173
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,040
Oh, dear, oh, dear!

174
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,480
..both conmen in their late 30s.
Oh, no, a trial! A trial!

175
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,200
LINE RINGS

176
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,360
Here we go.

177
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,880
Remember your training.
Stick to the script. You'll be fine.

178
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,120
Hello.  Hi there. My name's Mike.

179
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,800
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance.  Good.

180
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,400
LINE GOES DEAD Hello?

181
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,440
What? Oh.

182
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,040
Better luck next time. Chin up.
Here we go. Stand by.

183
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,000
Hello?  You're connected.
That's a go for Michael.

184
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,160
Hi there. My name's Mike.

185
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,720
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance.  Very good.

186
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,400
Oh, I see. Hello.

187
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,840
Hi. How are you today?

188
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:50,960
Open question!

189
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,120
Oh, I'm fine.

190
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,880
Bit of a bad back,
but I can't complain at my age.

191
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,640
Come on.  Oh, that doesn't
sound very nice.

192
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,480
Oh, it's agony, Mike.
I've got painkillers,

193
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,680
but I don't like to take them.  No?

194
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,360
Just stick to the script, man!

195
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,680
Oh, give him a break.
It's his first day.

196
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,840
It's hardly breaking
the Enigma code, is it?

197
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:08,880
Like you could do better.

198
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,280
Well, I really rather think I could
actually, Humphrey.

199
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,280
Yeah, I think I'd be employee
of the month.

200
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,600
Oh, all right, then. Prove it.

201
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,960
I'll be the customer.  What?
No, come on. Go on.

202
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,960
Ring-ring! Ring-ring!  Oh, all right.

203
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,520
Hello, Mr Cheese speaking.

204
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,000
Right, right. Hello.

205
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,400
I... Mr Cheese?
That's a ridiculous name.

206
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,440
How dare you insult my name?
Who is this?

207
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,440
No, no, I wasn't doing
the thing just then.

208
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,640
Wasn't doing what thing?
Come on, I'm a very busy man.

209
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:32,800
I've got chickens to feed.

210
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,280
CLEARS THROAT Hello.  Yes?

211
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,320
I'm calling on behalf
of Spirited Life Insurance.

212
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,440
Hello.  And I was...

213
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,320
I was rather wondering whether...
Sorry, it's a very bad line.

214
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,440
I can hardly hear you.

215
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,080
Hello?  Hello?

216
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,480
Hello?  Hello?  Hello?

217
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,560
Hello.  Hello?  Hello?

218
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,720
Hello!  Hello.  Yes, I'm calling...
Hello?

219
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:51,920
This is Graham Cheese.

220
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,840
I'm afraid I can't get to the phone
at the moment,

221
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,520
but if you leave a message, I'll get
back to you as soon as I can.

222
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,680
Hello?  Beep!

223
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,800
Hello, yes, it's the Captain calling
from Spirited Life Insurance.

224
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,720
I was calling...  Sorry.

225
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,000
KITTY:  Come on.
We haven't got time for this.

226
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,440
The photos are just
in my bedside cabinet.

227
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,880
Oh, my goodness, this place is huge!

228
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,920
Erm, I think I'm just going
to put some music on.  OK.

229
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,000
Not that one. Not that one.

230
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,840
That one.  OK.

231
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,760
MUSIC: Saturday Night
by Whigfield

232
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,720
Haven't heard this in a while.

233
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,200
Anyway, it's this way.

234
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,920
THOMAS:  It's strange. I really do
feel as though we've met before.

235
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,320
Right, come on, Pat! We're seeds.

236
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,320
OK. All right. Seeds, is it?

237
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,480
Grow...  Grow...

238
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,960
And leaves...

239
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,000
BEEPING Hello?

240
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,040
OK.

241
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,200
Right!

242
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,360
Mr Cheese, to recap your assets,
you have your house,

243
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,400
the circus in Bavaria,

244
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,040
and you have 12 sons.

245
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,840
13.  What?

246
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,400
She's just another one. Little boy.

247
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,600
We're going to call him Cheddar.
No, I'm sorry.

248
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,760
This is all getting very silly.

249
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,600
I'm not playing any more.
Well, don't be like...  Big family.

250
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,640
May I ask what thought you've given
to their inheritance?

251
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,000
BOTH:  Open question, Michael!

252
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,800
CALLER: It wouldn't be
straightforward for me.

253
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,360
You see, I have a rather
complicated family history.

254
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,680
Oh, this is going to take a while.

255
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,560
I see. And have you considered
making a will?

256
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,000
I'd have to start at the beginning.

257
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,400
Well, we at Spirited...
I was a foundling, you see?

258
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,120
Left in a telephone box in Dublin.

259
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:20,360
Wow.

260
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,440
So it wasn't until years later

261
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,160
that I really knew anything
about my family.  Blimey!

262
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,440
So what was he like?

263
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,000
Well, I wish I could tell you,

264
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:39,440
but he passed away when I was five.
Oh, of course. Sorry.

265
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,960
No, erm... Well, my mum always said

266
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,880
that he was the love of her life.

267
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,760
He was funny and kind.

268
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,720
He was a good cook.

269
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,680
And, erm... What else?

270
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,320
He....

271
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,800
Oh, he was a terrible dancer.

272
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,760
Are you OK?

273
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,600
Yeah, sorry, it's just...

274
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,160
It's just a lot to take in.

275
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,360
Yeah.

276
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,840
It is.

277
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,560
PAT, ECHONING:  Steady, steady...

278
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,240
It is a lot to take in.

279
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,800
It certainly was for me.

280
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,720
There's no such thing as ghosts.

281
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,000
I'm having a bad dream.

282
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,360
Yeah. I'm having a bad dream.

283
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,960
I can assure you this is only
too real.

284
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,520
You never know. You might be lucky
and get sucked off.

285
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,600
Eh?

286
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,440
I mean, you can't be real.

287
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,840
You're all stereotypical ghosts,
aren't you?

288
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,520
You've got the old grey lady.

289
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:41,000
Look at you and your
joke shop arrow.  Bloody cheek!

290
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,280
Oh, and here comes the headless one.

291
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,440
Yeah. Bravo! Very original.

292
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,280
Well, I'm sorry I'm such a cliche.

293
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,280
Argh!

294
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,560
Wargh!

295
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,920
All right, that's it.

296
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,320
I've had enough of this.

297
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,040
I'm getting out of here.

298
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,080
Goodbye.

299
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,160
He could have walked through
those tables.  Rookie error.

300
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,520
Wait for it.

301
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,400
And...

302
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,320
Ha-ha-ha-ha!  We've all done it.

303
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,040
ROBIN LAUGHING Classic!

304
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,840
Three.  Come on. Let's go.

305
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:25,920
Argh!  Poor bugger.

306
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,320
Four!

307
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,480
Ah!

308
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:33,720
Hurgh!

309
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,760
21.

310
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,440
Uh...

311
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:41,920
Argh!

312
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,400
42.

313
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,960
Oh, eugh...

314
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,280
67 and a half.

315
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,400
Gah!

316
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,640
Argh, why...?

317
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,040
Two fat ladies, 88.

318
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,120
No!  Yes, it doesn't make sense,
does it?

319
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,400
See you later, losers!

320
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,960
Argh...

321
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,840
100!

322
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,160
Oh, what is wrong with me?

323
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,360
Why does my heart pound?
Why do I ache so?

324
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,960
Mary, what is your opinion?

325
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,320
My... My 'pinion?

326
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,120
Yes. As a woman.  A Loose Woman?

327
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,080
If you like.

328
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,760
So, what ails me?

329
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,400
Be there something new on thy plate?

330
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,320
Go on.

331
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,680
When I was three and twenty,
my mother did grow fennel.

332
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,840
Oh, how I loved it so!

333
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,720
I ate noth but fennel for weeks,
sparing the onions.

334
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,920
But all the while, I did have
a terrible time on the stool,

335
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,400
but did not know why.

336
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,960
'Twas the fennel, of course.

337
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,760
Well, it isn't fennel.

338
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,240
I can't eat anything.

339
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,600
Unless...

340
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,720
..Lucy is my fennel.

341
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,600
My God, you're right!
I'm hopelessly in love with fennel.

342
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,480
I must tell onions... Alison.

343
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:37,520
And we fly to the left
and we fly to the right

344
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,160
and rainbow and down.

345
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:45,360
Whoo!  Right, I'm off to see what
Alison's up to with that girl.

346
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,560
Well, hang on,
we've only just started.

347
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,480
I could teach you a few moves,
if you like.

348
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,840
I was a regional dance finalist,
you know.

349
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:52,920
Erm...

350
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,800
Oh...

351
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,400
How about this, eh? Mashed potato.

352
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,840
Easy. That's it.

353
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,920
Now we're cooking spuds, eh?

354
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,680
OK, let's try this one.

355
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:06,840
Oh!

356
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,760
That's right, don't forget
to transfer your weight.

357
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,240
I've got loads of moves.

358
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,320
Dice it and dice it,
dice it, dice it...

359
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:19,880
Car wash.

360
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,040
Right... Ooh! Oh!

361
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:24,880
How about this?

362
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,600
What can you see through
your fingers?

363
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,840
Nothing.  Oh.

364
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,640
Pop and pop and pop.

365
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,680
Groovy!

366
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,800
Shimmer, shimmer.

367
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,840
Pinch and down.

368
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,160
No, you can breathe!

369
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,560
Breathe! GASPING BREATH

370
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:44,960
That's it. And down.

371
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,200
You be careful what you reveal
to this young lady.

372
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,880
Don't let her be seeing
where you keep

373
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,160
your papers, passport and so on.

374
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,240
It's just down there
on the right.  Thanks.

375
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,800
Before you know it,
she'll be travelling the world

376
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,440
all expenses paid - paid by you.
What are you talking about?

377
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,520
I had tickets for a luxury cruise.

378
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,000
Trip of a lifetime, first class,
upper decks,

379
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,920
but I arrived in Southampton
to find that apparently

380
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,160
there was already
a Lady Button aboard.

381
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,720
Right.  I'm certain it was
a young lady that came to the house

382
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,640
looking for a housekeeping vacancy
when there wasn't one.

383
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,480
Used my identity to cheat her way
onto the Titanic.

384
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,080
Hang on - the Titanic?  Mm.

385
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,360
The Titanic sank.

386
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,920
Aren't you glad you weren't on it?

387
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,800
People forget that before
the iceberg,

388
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,720
it was a perfectly pleasant trip.

389
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,520
So you did go?

390
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,320
No, I've seen the motion picture.

391
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,240
Only you wouldn't catch me letting
some American oik paint my breasts.

392
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,160
I don't see how any of this
is relevant.

393
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,440
All I'm saying is beware.

394
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,000
Be very ware...

395
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,040
..ry.

396
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,560
TOILET FLUSHES

397
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,080
You mark my words, young lady.

398
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,520
Alison, there you are.
Great, you too. Can you just not...?

399
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,840
I'm afraid what I have to say
may come as a shock to you.

400
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,880
And it's not your fault.

401
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,120
Our time together
has been a paradise.

402
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,680
Gah, this is hard.

403
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,240
I know it's harder for you,

404
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:02,320
but I cannot deny my heart
has changed.

405
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,120
And I must leave you.

406
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,520
Mm.

407
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,080
Metaphorically, of course.
I'll still live in the house.

408
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,520
Thanks.  No problem.

409
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,840
CALLER: While I was working
in the home,

410
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,880
I struck up a friendship
with this particular lady, you see?

411
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,000
We just connected.

412
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,160
I used to talk to her when I brought
lunch to her room and so on.

413
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,640
And one day, she told me
her greatest regret.

414
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,000
What was it?

415
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,120
It was that when
she was a young girl,

416
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,520
she had a baby she had to give up.

417
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,840
GASPING

418
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,120
And I still get goose bumps
now remembering it.

419
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,880
I knew. I just knew.  She was...?

420
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,880
Yes, she was my mother.
She was the mother!

421
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,480
That's incredible.

422
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,040
Wow.  I couldn't believe it myself,
Mike!  She was the mother!

423
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,240
Extraordinary!  And now,
we're one big happy family.

424
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,600
I've got seven grandchildren

425
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,960
and another one on the way.

426
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,440
Wonderful!

427
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,240
It works so much better
with your moves now.  Thank you.

428
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,400
SONG RESTARTS Again!  What?!

429
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,360
Don't you want to go
and see Alison?

430
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,880
Quick!  Oh...

431
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,160
Give over!

432
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:27,520
Please, God, take pity
on the Loose Women.

433
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:31,000
Their husbands be so worried,
dear Lord.

434
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,440
Please send them...

435
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,280
PRAYS SOFTLY

436
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,080
It is done.

437
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,400
What's done?

438
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,520
The honourable thing.

439
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,760
It was the right thing to do,
was it not?

440
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,040
I could not pretend
I was not changed.

441
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,800
After all, I've not felt this way
since...

442
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:53,480
Well, since Alison came into
my life - so modern, so spirited,

443
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,240
so charming.

444
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,720
Was I hasty?

445
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,840
Perhaps I love them both.

446
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,160
No! Do I?

447
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,400
Say something about fennel
or something.

448
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,640
Oh, fennel, yeah.

449
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,760
Well, it's a root vegetable.

450
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,760
Yes?  Grows in soil.

451
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,560
You've got the bulb, then
you've got them lovely long shoots

452
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,000
and very pretty flowers on the end.

453
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,040
Thrives in well-drained soil.

454
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,240
Well-drained...  Bit like celery.
Always loved celery.

455
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,400
Same family as fennel, of course.

456
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,760
Same family?

457
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,200
Of course! How could I be so rash?

458
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,880
It is Alison I see in Lucy!

459
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,240
A reflection of the same creation,
the same fair qualities.

460
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,720
It does not mean I have stopped
loving onions!

461
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,440
Far from it.

462
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,040
Thank you, Mary.

463
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,680
Such insight into matters
of the heart.

464
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,800
Thank you again!  Yep.

465
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:45,840
You're welcomes.

466
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,600
I was only speaking of vegetables,
though.

467
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,200
TV:  Martine McCutcheon will
tell us about her new album,

468
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,800
plus we'll be discussing
Meghan Markle's make-up routine...

469
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,800
Oh!

470
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,600
Praise be! They have been pardoned!

471
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,000
They've been pardoned!

472
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,440
The...

473
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,520
CALLER: Goodness, I've been
prattling on, haven't I?

474
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,880
No, no!  No, no.  Not at all.  Not at
all, Anne.  No, I won't hear it.

475
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,200
It's fascinating, Anne.  Maybe I get
that from my mother. Who knows?

476
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,280
Anyway, you wanted to talk
to me about insurance?

477
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,400
Mike?  Well...actually,

478
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,320
I don't work for
the company any more.

479
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,600
Oh?  Yeah, I thought it might be
a bit exploitative, so...

480
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,160
..I quit.  Oh!
Are you sure that's wise?

481
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,640
Good for you, Mike.
A man of principle.

482
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,160
Yeah. Well, I suppose I'd better go,
start looking for a new job.

483
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,600
Well, I don't know if you'd be
interested, but I know my niece

484
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,880
has a position she needs
to fill at her company

485
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,560
and I think you could be
just the ticket.  Oh?

486
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,880
She needs someone trustworthy...
Well played, Michael.

487
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,400
Just the ticket.  Lucky git!

488
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,960
Thanks so much for hearing me out.

489
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,720
Oh, yeah.  I know this must have
come as a huge shock.

490
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,320
Yeah, you can say that again.

491
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,560
Can I give you my number?

492
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,600
And that way, it's up to you
if you want to get in touch.  Yeah.

493
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,840
Alison, there you are!
Forget everything I said earlier.

494
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,160
I'm sorry if I hurt you.

495
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,920
I'd really like to get to know you,
if you want that too.

496
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,680
Yeah, I'd...  You don't have to say
anything now.

497
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,160
You need time to think.

498
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,200
Thank you.  Bye for now.

499
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,840
Bye! Bye. Bye.

500
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,480
Goodbye.

501
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,360
Forever, potentially.

502
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,080
Which would be fine,
because it's you I love, only you.

503
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,080
Has she gone?

504
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,880
How did it go?
KITTY:  Pat? Pat!

505
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,160
Oh, no!  Where did you go?

506
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,680
She's a dance machine!

507
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,160
She can't stop!

508
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,880
BOTH:  You are not going to believe
what just happened...

509
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,960
To me.  What?  Try me.

510
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,920
I just said goodbye to someone
who showed up to tell me

511
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,640
she's my half sister.
Yeah, yours is better.

512
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:10,840
Apparently before he met my mum,
my dad and her mum had a thing,

513
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,320
then they split up and he didn't
know she was pregnant.

514
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,920
What?  Yeah.

515
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,880
Do you find that hard to believe?
Well, yeah,

516
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,160
but not after the story
I just heard on the phone.

517
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,760
Just cos something's crazy
doesn't mean it can't be true.

518
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,520
I find it all rather convenient.

519
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,400
Wouldn't you agree, Julian?

520
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,520
Julian?

521
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,760
Julian?

522
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:32,800
Julian.

523
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,960
My name is Julian Fawcett

524
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,560
and I'm a...

525
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,440
Go on.  You can do it!

526
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,280
I'm a ghost.

527
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,640
Well done. Well done.

528
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,280
Feel better, eh?

529
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:54,360
Take a seat.
You'll find there is a fun side

530
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,760
to being cut-off indefinitely
from the life you lived

531
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,440
and the people you loved.

532
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,040
We were just about to play charades.

533
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,520
Yeah. Not really my bag.

534
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,440
Oh.

535
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,880
Anyone want to play chess?

536
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:09,920
Oh, yeah.

537
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,040
Right. Do you know how?

538
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,360
Could learn.

539
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,040
Right.

540
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:20,680
I suppose we've got time.

541
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,080
Right, well, these little ones
are called pawns.

542
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,120
Prawn.  And... Pawn.  Prawn.

543
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,760
LADY BUTTON, ECHOING:  Julian?
OK.

544
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,200
Julian?  What's that?

545
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,880
No. Well, I mean, if I could accept
that I was dead...

546
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,560
I mean, I could except
I can see dead people.

547
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,640
Doesn't seem that far fetched
at all.

548
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,000
Looks like I have a sister.

549
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,840
Yeah.

550
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:48,880
Oh!

551
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,200
How was your day?

552
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,840
I quit.  Oh.
But then I got a better job.

553
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,840
Oh, right.
You have been busy.

554
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,280
Kitty?  No!  I'm free now
if you want me to take over.

555
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,920
No, that's all right.

556
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,520
Pat's my dance partner now.

557
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,640
He taught me the mashed potato,
the chicken dance

558
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,280
and the banana split.

559
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,160
That's a balanced meal. Delicious.

560
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,800
Come on, Pat!
We've got to polish our routine.

561
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,280
Oh, God, no!

562
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,320
Come on!  No, mercy!
No time to lose.  Please, Kitty!

563
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,600
And where have you been?

564
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,200
Well, I've been with young
Michael and Mr Cheese.

565
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,840
I mean, Humphrey. No, I've learned
a thing or two actually.

566
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:27,440
There are times when one must go
against the grain,

567
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,600
make one's own decisions rather than
simply following orders.  Hm.

568
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,600
CLOCK CHIMES Ooh, fetch the others.

569
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,240
It's time for my talk of the day.

570
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,840
Fanny, yes, Fanny!

571
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,400
Thomas, Patrick, Mary, on me.

572
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,120
Still fancy that game?

573
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,360
So...

574
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,000
..prawn.  Pawn.  He goes dooka.

575
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,560
Uh-huh?

576
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,640
Prawn - dooka.