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1
00:00:03,883 --> 00:00:05,802
All right, Mom.
Thanks for dropping me off.
2
00:00:05,803 --> 00:00:07,514
Shall I wait for you?
3
00:00:07,515 --> 00:00:11,146
No, um, Mohammed's gonna do
his katbāketab right after prayer, so...
4
00:00:11,147 --> 00:00:13,652
I don't understand.
Why is he getting married before you?
5
00:00:13,653 --> 00:00:15,739
Okay. I got to go. Hey.
6
00:00:15,740 --> 00:00:18,578
Maybe you can find a girl in there.
7
00:00:18,579 --> 00:00:20,874
I'm not gonna flirt with girls
at the mosque.
8
00:00:20,875 --> 00:00:24,590
Why not?
The girls in there are high quality.
9
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:27,303
The mosque is for praying,
it's not for picking people up.
10
00:00:27,304 --> 00:00:29,850
It's, like, a bunch of families too,
and you can't just
11
00:00:29,851 --> 00:00:33,775
walk up to a Muslim girl and, like,
start spitting game or something.
12
00:00:33,776 --> 00:00:36,864
WhāWhat am I supposed to say? Like,
"Hey, can I get your father's number?"
13
00:00:36,865 --> 00:00:38,409
Yes. Why not?
14
00:00:38,410 --> 00:00:40,998
IāI got to go. I'm gonna be late.
15
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,714
Ramy, do you want to stay alone forever?
16
00:00:44,715 --> 00:00:47,302
No, Mom, IāI don't.
17
00:00:47,303 --> 00:00:50,433
Just 'cause I'm not with someone doesn't
mean I'm gonna be alone forever, okay?
18
00:00:50,434 --> 00:00:53,858
IāI'm... I'm just figuring it out, okay?
19
00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:56,822
Hey.
20
00:01:59,405 --> 00:02:00,867
Halal?
21
00:02:02,620 --> 00:02:05,292
Listen, man, I don't know
what you're talking about. I just...
22
00:02:08,423 --> 00:02:10,863
Actually, I think we should just
go catch prayers, 'cause...
23
00:02:43,536 --> 00:02:46,917
I think God knows what's in my heart.
I don't think I have to...
24
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,159
What theāā.
25
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:33,342
Welcome, beloved...
26
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:37,475
Today you are here as family
and as intimate companions
27
00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:42,027
to witness the joining
of Mohammed and Yasmeen.
28
00:03:42,862 --> 00:03:44,573
You're gonna die alone, bro.
What?
29
00:03:44,574 --> 00:03:45,742
Yeah. He's right, Ramy.
30
00:03:45,743 --> 00:03:47,411
You're running out of options.
Dude...
31
00:03:47,412 --> 00:03:49,082
There's only two hot Muslim girls
left in town,
32
00:03:49,083 --> 00:03:50,543
and they'll be gone
by the end of the year.
33
00:03:50,544 --> 00:03:52,254
Are you talking about Fatima
and Hadiya, bro?
34
00:03:52,255 --> 00:03:54,175
Yeah. They are not hot.
35
00:03:54,176 --> 00:03:56,262
To me they are.
You need to get your eyes checked.
36
00:03:56,263 --> 00:03:58,810
Go and get some LASIK. They're not hot.
37
00:03:58,811 --> 00:04:01,147
You need to go outside of the network
if you want to find quality.
38
00:04:01,148 --> 00:04:03,276
Dude, I'm fine. It's not a big deal.
39
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:05,532
My cousin had to do that.
It took forever, man.
40
00:04:05,533 --> 00:04:07,451
Finally, my aunt found him
a girl in Ohio.
41
00:04:07,452 --> 00:04:09,581
- Look...
- Yeah, but now he lives in Ohio.
42
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,750
Ohio sucks. Shh!
43
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,506
OkayāSorry. It's just...
44
00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:16,261
Look, you need to find a girl ASAP,
okay?
45
00:04:16,262 --> 00:04:18,933
ASAP. You're getting old, bro,
46
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,271
and your hairline is not looking good.
It's fine...
47
00:04:21,272 --> 00:04:23,693
You're gonna be on Muslim Match,
swiping through divorced chicks.
48
00:04:23,694 --> 00:04:25,655
You're gonna be raising
other people's babies.
49
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:28,326
All right, can we just stop, man?
All right? I... There's nothing...
50
00:04:28,327 --> 00:04:30,372
- Bro, it's way worse than I thought.
- Listen!
51
00:04:30,373 --> 00:04:33,086
- Stop, stop. It's fine. Listen...
- It's not fine. You got a situation.
52
00:04:33,087 --> 00:04:35,550
- Your curls are not gonna save you.
- Okay, listen...
53
00:04:35,551 --> 00:04:37,094
There's only so much they can cover.
54
00:04:37,095 --> 00:04:39,265
I don't have to find a Muslim girl,
all right?
55
00:04:39,266 --> 00:04:41,896
I've actually been seeing this girl Chloe
for a little bit, and it's going well.
56
00:04:41,897 --> 00:04:44,192
No! Are you out of your mind?
He must be!
57
00:04:44,193 --> 00:04:46,154
White girls suck, bro.
You can't keep dating 'em.
58
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:48,241
One, they're always
walking around barefoot.
59
00:04:48,242 --> 00:04:49,870
That's crazy.
They have no morals.
60
00:04:49,871 --> 00:04:51,957
No morals.
And they're always jumping in stuff.
61
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,920
Always.
What do you mean, "jumping in stuff"?
62
00:04:53,921 --> 00:04:56,174
They're just jumping in stuff
that's none of their business, man.
63
00:04:56,175 --> 00:04:59,180
They skinnyādip. You don't want
a wife that skinnyādips.
64
00:04:59,181 --> 00:05:02,854
You want a wife that swims
at normal times, with proper attire.
65
00:05:02,855 --> 00:05:05,527
Not this nakedness.
You need to find someone
66
00:05:05,528 --> 00:05:08,365
who knows where you came from
and what you believe in.
67
00:05:08,366 --> 00:05:10,369
And someone who's hot.
68
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:14,711
Just have your parents hook it up.
They keep tabs on everyone.
69
00:05:14,712 --> 00:05:17,049
That's what I did.
It's the best decision I made.
70
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,511
Shh!
71
00:05:18,512 --> 00:05:20,305
I'm sorry, baby.
72
00:05:20,306 --> 00:05:21,851
She's so hot.
73
00:05:21,852 --> 00:05:23,395
My mom did that.
74
00:05:23,396 --> 00:05:26,025
These guys are idiots. Hey.
75
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,821
But everything they said is true.
76
00:05:27,822 --> 00:05:29,575
White girls suck.
77
00:05:29,576 --> 00:05:32,582
You don't want to do that.
You don't want to go down that road.
78
00:06:17,838 --> 00:06:19,633
What are you doing?
I was just...
79
00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:22,137
Are you... Is that the condom
that we just used?
80
00:06:22,138 --> 00:06:25,310
Yeah, I was just, you know...
Cleaning it? Or...
81
00:06:25,311 --> 00:06:28,859
I was just checking if there was
any holes in it. You know...
82
00:06:28,860 --> 00:06:30,070
Why would there be a hole?
83
00:06:30,071 --> 00:06:32,408
You ever see the way they ship
these things? It's, like, on a truck.
84
00:06:32,409 --> 00:06:34,746
There's, like, a bunch of dudes.
And, like, who are those dudes?
85
00:06:34,747 --> 00:06:36,374
Like, I don't know them,
you don't know... You know?
86
00:06:36,375 --> 00:06:39,255
So this just... just to make sure
that there isn't a faulty one.
87
00:06:39,256 --> 00:06:42,094
And you do this, like,
every time we have sex?
88
00:06:42,095 --> 00:06:44,684
Yeah, I mean, it just...
it just takes a sec.
89
00:06:45,351 --> 00:06:48,398
I don't know why, but I feel, like,
kind of offended.
90
00:06:48,399 --> 00:06:50,110
Chloe, this doesn't have to
get weird, okay?
91
00:06:50,111 --> 00:06:51,864
Oh, I'm making it weird?
92
00:06:51,865 --> 00:06:53,534
No, no. There's... There's nothing
to worry about.
93
00:06:53,535 --> 00:06:55,370
It's just... It's just so that
we don't have to worry.
94
00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:57,207
Even if, like, something crazy happened,
95
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,295
you know I'm on the Pill, right?
96
00:06:59,296 --> 00:07:02,301
And if the Pill didn't work,
we'd do the responsible thing
97
00:07:02,302 --> 00:07:04,263
and, like, take care of it.
98
00:07:04,264 --> 00:07:07,311
Yeah, but we can't
just take care of it, right?
99
00:07:07,312 --> 00:07:10,067
I mean, we don't even
really know what it is.
100
00:07:10,068 --> 00:07:11,987
I mean, look, I'māI'm totally
101
00:07:11,988 --> 00:07:14,450
pro women getting to choose
what to do with their bodies.
102
00:07:14,451 --> 00:07:16,955
I am. But I'm Muslim, so I'm just
103
00:07:16,956 --> 00:07:20,838
pro us not having to make that choice.
104
00:07:20,839 --> 00:07:23,259
No, like, you're Muslim, I thought,
in the way that I'm Jewish.
105
00:07:23,260 --> 00:07:25,055
Like, it's a cultural thing.
106
00:07:25,056 --> 00:07:27,102
I didn't know that you were MuslimāMuslim.
107
00:07:28,145 --> 00:07:29,606
Yeah. You drink.
108
00:07:29,607 --> 00:07:31,443
Religious Muslims don't drink.
109
00:07:32,278 --> 00:07:34,742
I actually... don't drink.
110
00:07:35,786 --> 00:07:39,208
The other night we out at the bar,
and you bought the entire table drinks.
111
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,462
Yeah, but mine was a Coke.
112
00:07:41,463 --> 00:07:43,049
Tonight I asked you,
"Do you want another glass of wine?"
113
00:07:43,050 --> 00:07:44,594
You were like, "No, I'm at my limit."
114
00:07:44,595 --> 00:07:46,890
Well, I was at my limit.
115
00:07:46,891 --> 00:07:48,978
My limit's just none,
116
00:07:48,979 --> 00:07:50,773
'cause I'm Muslim.
117
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,317
Oh. Okay.
118
00:07:52,318 --> 00:07:55,783
So you get girls drunk
119
00:07:55,784 --> 00:07:58,204
and stay sober so you can sleep with them.
120
00:07:58,205 --> 00:07:59,958
What?
That feels kind of dateārapeāy.
121
00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:02,589
That's not what I do.
That's not dateārapeāy.
122
00:08:02,590 --> 00:08:05,218
If anything, I'm taking alcohol
out of the equation.
123
00:08:05,219 --> 00:08:07,264
I'm like a designated driver.
124
00:08:07,265 --> 00:08:09,101
I'm your... like aālike, a friend.
125
00:08:09,102 --> 00:08:11,691
So why are you hiding
everything from me?
126
00:08:12,651 --> 00:08:15,823
Look, Chloe, it's just...
127
00:08:15,824 --> 00:08:19,371
I've met girls who seem openāminded,
128
00:08:19,372 --> 00:08:21,752
and then they're not.
129
00:08:21,753 --> 00:08:24,423
- And you think that's me.
- No, I... no, I just...
130
00:08:24,424 --> 00:08:28,724
I thought maybe you'd be into the idea
of me being culturally different
131
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:32,190
but hate that I actually believe in God.
132
00:08:32,691 --> 00:08:34,904
I don't care that you're Muslim.
133
00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:37,784
I care that you've been lying to me.
134
00:09:33,688 --> 00:09:36,694
This Muslim Tinder is awesome.
135
00:09:37,445 --> 00:09:40,075
Dude, why did you swipe "no" on her?
136
00:09:40,076 --> 00:09:43,164
You're swiping "no"
on all the girls that have scarves.
137
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:46,546
Dude, no, it's just, she's not my vibe.
You're a fuckin' racist.
138
00:09:46,547 --> 00:09:49,343
How is that racist?
Head scarf's not a race,
139
00:09:49,344 --> 00:09:51,055
it'sāit's something that people wear.
140
00:09:51,056 --> 00:09:55,146
Oh, I love when they're all covered
from their head to their toe like that.
141
00:09:55,147 --> 00:09:58,111
Yo, that mystery is sexy.
That's disgusting.
142
00:09:58,112 --> 00:10:01,201
Have you ever dated a Muslim girl?
143
00:10:02,621 --> 00:10:06,001
No, I haven't, and...
that'sāthat's why I'm doing this.
144
00:10:06,002 --> 00:10:08,507
I'm trying to meet someone,
you know, different.
145
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:11,470
You're such a racist.
How is that racist, dude?
146
00:10:11,471 --> 00:10:14,686
Islam's not a race,
it'sāit's something you believe in.
147
00:10:14,687 --> 00:10:16,313
You don't believe in shit.
148
00:10:16,314 --> 00:10:18,652
- Right. Don't... Right.
- I don't... I don't like her.
149
00:10:18,653 --> 00:10:21,198
How do you know? How do you know?
If I went right, that would be racist.
150
00:10:21,199 --> 00:10:22,785
You're looking at a picture.
That would be racist,
151
00:10:22,786 --> 00:10:24,539
'cause I don't like her.
You're looking at a picture.
152
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:27,002
That's the whole point of this thing.
You're a shallow fuck.
153
00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:28,631
Thank you.
154
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,194
Yep, yep.
155
00:10:49,047 --> 00:10:52,678
You know, uh, Mohammed's katbāketab
was really nice the other day.
156
00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:54,808
Yeah, she's cute.
157
00:10:54,809 --> 00:10:56,101
Big nose.
158
00:10:59,527 --> 00:11:02,658
I thought you were gonna come, Dena.
159
00:11:03,618 --> 00:11:05,079
Nah.
160
00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:09,336
Well... it was really cool,
161
00:11:09,337 --> 00:11:13,846
just... seeing him so happy,
you know, that he found someone.
162
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:16,058
When Allah wills it, it is easy.
163
00:11:19,817 --> 00:11:21,903
Yeah, so I was thinking...
164
00:11:21,904 --> 00:11:25,160
maybe it's time
that Allah wills it for me.
165
00:11:28,668 --> 00:11:30,461
What? Habibi!
166
00:11:30,462 --> 00:11:33,135
You know, like, to... be with someone?
167
00:11:35,264 --> 00:11:36,767
Are you fucking kidding me?
168
00:11:38,646 --> 00:11:41,025
You had one lonely day
169
00:11:41,026 --> 00:11:43,279
at a wedding,
and now you want Mom to set you up?
170
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,659
- This has nothing to do with you.
- Of course it does.
171
00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:49,207
If you get married, they're gonna start
putting pressure on me to start a family
172
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:52,715
and stare at my stomach like
it's the answer to their midlife crisis.
173
00:11:52,716 --> 00:11:55,053
I don't need that shit right now.
Calm down.
174
00:11:55,054 --> 00:11:57,057
- You don't even have a real job.
- What?
175
00:11:57,058 --> 00:11:59,353
You do nothing
at a startāup that does nothing.
176
00:11:59,354 --> 00:12:03,654
Habibti, they are starting up.
Give them a chance.
177
00:12:03,655 --> 00:12:05,658
- Thank you, Mom.
- Ramy...
178
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,202
What are you doing?
179
00:12:07,203 --> 00:12:08,496
Being with a Muslim woman
180
00:12:08,497 --> 00:12:09,666
is not an easy thing.
181
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:12,295
You have to take her seriously, hmm?
182
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:15,552
She's not like, uh, the others, hmm?
183
00:12:15,553 --> 00:12:18,725
Are you sure you are ready
for something like that?
184
00:12:21,356 --> 00:12:23,860
My little man became a big man!
185
00:12:23,861 --> 00:12:26,490
Bullshit. You're just filling this void
186
00:12:26,491 --> 00:12:29,413
inside of you with a woman,
and it's ruining my life.
187
00:12:29,414 --> 00:12:32,293
Fuck you, Ramy. Stupid bitch.
188
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:35,551
Dena!
I mean, she's... she's out of control.
189
00:12:35,552 --> 00:12:37,221
So who is she? Yeah.
190
00:12:37,889 --> 00:12:41,855
I actually haven't met anyone yet. I...
I thought that you guys could hook it up.
191
00:12:41,856 --> 00:12:43,692
"Hook it up"?
192
00:12:43,693 --> 00:12:45,654
Yeah. Do you know anyone?
193
00:12:45,655 --> 00:12:46,990
Who do I know?
194
00:12:46,991 --> 00:12:49,453
I don't know anyone.
I know who you know.
195
00:12:49,454 --> 00:12:52,835
We'll find you a girl, whoever you want.
196
00:12:52,836 --> 00:12:55,884
Do you want her covered, uncovered?
You tell me.
197
00:12:56,384 --> 00:12:57,804
Um...
198
00:12:59,641 --> 00:13:00,643
uncovered.
199
00:13:01,436 --> 00:13:02,773
Good choice.
200
00:13:05,653 --> 00:13:07,740
Mom, please don't call me that anymore.
Yeah.
201
00:13:07,741 --> 00:13:10,747
We have to find you one
before you lose your hair like...
202
00:13:33,208 --> 00:13:36,213
So, have you lived in Jersey
your whole life?
203
00:13:36,214 --> 00:13:38,969
No, no. You're here for her, not me.
204
00:13:38,970 --> 00:13:41,600
I'm just the chaperone.
Pretend I'm not even here.
205
00:13:42,434 --> 00:13:46,400
Okay. Nour, uh, you're from Jersey?
206
00:13:46,401 --> 00:13:48,113
Born and raised.
207
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:55,084
My mom said that, uh,
you're an accountant.
208
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:58,340
Yeah. My mom said you worked
in a startāup or something.
209
00:13:58,341 --> 00:14:01,180
Yeāā
Too much small talk. More personal.
210
00:14:03,268 --> 00:14:05,062
So how did you pick this restaurant?
211
00:14:05,063 --> 00:14:07,569
You think because I'm Egyptian,
I like to eat Egyptian food?
212
00:14:08,403 --> 00:14:12,118
You know, I just figured you probably
had a lot of homemade Egyptian food,
213
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:15,374
but I really wanted you to taste it
when it's made by...
214
00:14:15,375 --> 00:14:17,086
the Russian guys in the kitchen here.
215
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:20,343
Yeah, no, the bread here is actually...
216
00:14:20,344 --> 00:14:23,558
- Yo! Fuckin' Ramy! Look at this guy!
- This motherfucker!
217
00:14:23,559 --> 00:14:24,810
How you doin'?
218
00:14:24,811 --> 00:14:26,063
Bro, we haven't
seen you in forever!
219
00:14:26,064 --> 00:14:27,775
- How's it going?
- You too good to call my sister?
220
00:14:27,776 --> 00:14:29,904
Get out of here! Yo, how you doin?
221
00:14:29,905 --> 00:14:32,033
My name's Joey. This is Johnny.
How's it going?
222
00:14:32,034 --> 00:14:34,412
Hi. I'm Nour.
You guys try the falafels yet?
223
00:14:34,413 --> 00:14:36,626
They're bomb as shit. Come on.
Bomb as fuckin' shit.
224
00:14:36,627 --> 00:14:39,214
I wouldn't lie about that.
Unbelievable. What are you guys up to?
225
00:14:39,215 --> 00:14:41,134
What's going up?
Just... hanging out.
226
00:14:41,135 --> 00:14:44,099
Ah, no. What you're actually doing
is coming with us to Dante's.
227
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,103
We got a big group.
Gonna dance a little bit.
228
00:14:46,104 --> 00:14:48,692
Sure, yeah. Maybe we'll just, like,
meet you there later.
229
00:14:48,693 --> 00:14:50,571
You want to meet these people
at Dante's?
230
00:14:51,573 --> 00:14:54,452
No, no, no. IāI was just...
Listen to me.
231
00:14:54,453 --> 00:14:57,083
You don't want to go to Dante's
on a Friday.
232
00:14:57,084 --> 00:14:59,506
What you want to do is go to P. J.'s.
233
00:15:00,340 --> 00:15:02,511
Very hard to get into. Tell the guy
234
00:15:02,512 --> 00:15:04,849
at the door you know Masoud.
235
00:15:04,850 --> 00:15:07,020
He'll get you in.
All right, thanks.
236
00:15:07,021 --> 00:15:09,608
You know, it sounds like
it's really hard to get into.
237
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,194
It is.
And I feel like
238
00:15:11,195 --> 00:15:13,032
they really need you right now.
239
00:15:13,033 --> 00:15:16,956
Yeah, uh, you know, they probably need
a connection to get in.
240
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,626
That's true.
241
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:21,465
It took me many years
to get an "in" at P. J.'s.
242
00:15:21,466 --> 00:15:23,678
No, no, listen. It's no problem.
Wait, wait. What's happening?
243
00:15:23,679 --> 00:15:26,475
No, no. I insist.
I'll be your chaperone.
244
00:15:26,476 --> 00:15:29,439
Huh? Let's go.
Little funny. All right. Okay.
245
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,279
Be good, Ramy.
246
00:15:33,657 --> 00:15:35,619
Relax a little bit, man.
247
00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:38,332
You're carrying a lot of tension.
248
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:40,336
You seem like a good guy,
249
00:15:40,337 --> 00:15:43,426
but she's not gonna see the real you
if you're so wound up.
250
00:15:44,345 --> 00:15:45,388
Okay.
251
00:15:46,432 --> 00:15:48,143
Wow.
252
00:15:48,144 --> 00:15:50,439
Oh, so your cousin's a...
253
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,986
- Yeah.
- Really interesting guy.
254
00:15:52,987 --> 00:15:55,449
He's not really my cousin.
He's just one of those, you know...
255
00:15:55,450 --> 00:15:57,704
- Oh, like an Arab cousin?
- Yes.
256
00:15:57,705 --> 00:16:00,502
Yeah, just, like, anyone
that your dad's ever met.
257
00:16:00,503 --> 00:16:04,134
Yeah. His dad fixed my dad's
transmission two years ago, so...
258
00:16:04,135 --> 00:16:07,098
Oh, yeah, no, that's definitely
a cousin. He might even be an uncle,
259
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:10,062
just 'cause the transmission's
such a big part of the car.
260
00:16:10,063 --> 00:16:12,652
I mean, that's... that's family forever.
261
00:16:15,868 --> 00:16:18,036
Look, I know it was terrible,
262
00:16:18,037 --> 00:16:21,669
but the day the Muslim ban happened,
I had a really good day.
263
00:16:21,670 --> 00:16:24,592
Oh, come on.
Like, personally, you know?
264
00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:27,723
It was just, like, one of those days.
Remember, the weather was great.
265
00:16:27,724 --> 00:16:29,475
I killed it at this meeting.
266
00:16:29,476 --> 00:16:33,025
I found a Metro card
that had $120 on it.
267
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,695
Okay, wow. That doesn't happen.
268
00:16:34,696 --> 00:16:36,323
Yeah, that sounds like
a really good day.
269
00:16:36,324 --> 00:16:38,035
It was weird,
'cause I'm watching the news
270
00:16:38,036 --> 00:16:41,291
and this guy on TV is like,
"This is a terrible day for all Muslims."
271
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:44,715
I'm like, "Well, not all Muslims."
272
00:16:44,716 --> 00:16:47,888
You know what? You're right.
Because I have this, um, uncle
273
00:16:47,889 --> 00:16:50,351
that lives in Libya, and he was
supposed to come live with us,
274
00:16:50,352 --> 00:16:53,816
and then the Muslim ban happened,
and he's still in Libya.
275
00:16:53,817 --> 00:16:56,154
See? It was a good day for you too.
Yeah.
276
00:16:56,155 --> 00:16:57,950
And he was supposed to
take my room too.
277
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,747
Oh! He was gonna make you a refugee?
278
00:17:00,748 --> 00:17:03,252
Yeah, and that room is, like,
really important to me.
279
00:17:03,253 --> 00:17:04,880
'Course.
I have a lot of memories in there.
280
00:17:04,881 --> 00:17:06,383
NSYNC posters. Mm.
281
00:17:06,384 --> 00:17:08,345
My dad gave us the sex talk
in that room.
282
00:17:08,346 --> 00:17:10,140
Oh, man. What was yours like?
283
00:17:10,141 --> 00:17:13,313
It was, like, pretty standard
Arab dad talk, you know?
284
00:17:13,314 --> 00:17:15,986
He got us all in the room,
and then he said,
285
00:17:15,987 --> 00:17:19,284
"Girls, no boys. Boys, no boys,"
286
00:17:19,285 --> 00:17:21,162
and then he just walked out the room.
Wow.
287
00:17:21,163 --> 00:17:23,292
That's, like, really efficient.
It's, like, everything,
288
00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:26,423
but he found a way to just...
zone in on it.
289
00:17:26,424 --> 00:17:30,306
So, for something my mom helped set up,
this wasn't too bad.
290
00:17:30,307 --> 00:17:33,478
Yeah. I mean, Tinder doesn't really
have shit on our moms.
291
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:42,205
We should do this again.
Yeah, definitely.
292
00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:45,921
Right?
293
00:17:51,223 --> 00:17:52,810
Get home safe, okay?
294
00:17:53,687 --> 00:17:55,566
What, I don't get a goodānight kiss?
295
00:17:56,568 --> 00:17:59,364
I just... I wasn't sure if you did that.
296
00:17:59,365 --> 00:18:02,078
- If I kissed?
- I mean, I'm sure you kiss.
297
00:18:02,079 --> 00:18:04,626
I just didn't know if, you know,
because we're, like, a...
298
00:18:23,162 --> 00:18:25,457
Let's get in my car.
299
00:18:25,458 --> 00:18:27,379
Okay.
300
00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:45,414
Whoa, whoa.
301
00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:47,711
You all right? Yeah.
302
00:18:47,712 --> 00:18:49,339
Okay, good.
303
00:18:50,341 --> 00:18:51,969
Do you have a condom?
304
00:18:51,970 --> 00:18:54,266
Uh, yeah, but, um...
305
00:18:55,477 --> 00:18:58,231
What, you don't want to have sex?
Yeah, but IāI...
306
00:18:58,232 --> 00:19:01,322
I didn't know ifāif you could, you know,
just 'cause we're not married.
307
00:19:02,157 --> 00:19:04,285
Oh, IāI didn't even know
you were that strict.
308
00:19:04,286 --> 00:19:07,333
I mean, yeah, we can get married.
Um, my cousin does, like,
309
00:19:07,334 --> 00:19:09,797
nikahs over the phone if you want to do,
like, a temporary marriage.
310
00:19:09,798 --> 00:19:11,424
There's this imam she uses...
No, no, no. I'm not...
311
00:19:11,425 --> 00:19:13,178
I don't think we should try and, like,
trick God or whatever.
312
00:19:13,179 --> 00:19:15,600
I just think maybe we should,
313
00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:17,228
you know, slow down?
314
00:19:17,229 --> 00:19:19,398
Oh, okay. Yeah, we can take it slow.
Yeah?
315
00:19:19,399 --> 00:19:20,693
Yeah, of course. Okay.
316
00:19:20,694 --> 00:19:22,697
Yeah, there are other things we can do.
Okay.
317
00:19:22,698 --> 00:19:23,698
Yeah.
318
00:19:34,388 --> 00:19:35,808
Yeah, right there.
319
00:19:36,852 --> 00:19:38,062
Yeah.
320
00:19:42,070 --> 00:19:43,699
Choke me while I finger myself.
321
00:19:45,034 --> 00:19:47,163
- What?
- I want you to choke me.
322
00:19:49,627 --> 00:19:51,964
Um... Use both hands.
323
00:19:51,965 --> 00:19:54,344
Um... okay.
324
00:19:54,888 --> 00:19:56,181
Are you sure? Yeah.
325
00:19:57,183 --> 00:19:58,520
Okay. Harder.
326
00:20:00,064 --> 00:20:01,357
Okay.
327
00:20:01,358 --> 00:20:03,069
Like, actually harder.
It's not a massage.
328
00:20:03,070 --> 00:20:05,365
Yeah, yeah, okay. Um...
329
00:20:05,366 --> 00:20:08,079
Yeah.
330
00:20:13,007 --> 00:20:14,009
I...
331
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:19,060
No, no. Hey.
332
00:20:19,061 --> 00:20:20,855
Don't stop.
333
00:20:20,856 --> 00:20:22,274
What? I don't want to do this.
334
00:20:22,275 --> 00:20:24,696
No, what? Why?
I'm not into choking. I don't...
335
00:20:24,697 --> 00:20:26,366
I don't want to choke you.
336
00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:27,601
Oh, God.
337
00:20:29,164 --> 00:20:31,586
God, you're so full of shit.
What?
338
00:20:34,174 --> 00:20:37,096
It's not the choking that's the problem.
Look, it's just our first date,
339
00:20:37,097 --> 00:20:38,849
and I feel like maybe this is happening...
340
00:20:38,850 --> 00:20:40,688
What, you don't hook up
on the first date?
341
00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,151
Yeah, that's what I thought.
342
00:20:44,152 --> 00:20:47,491
Look, this is, like, just throwing me
for a loop a little bit.
343
00:20:47,492 --> 00:20:49,453
I didn't think that a girl like you
was gonna want to, like...
344
00:20:49,454 --> 00:20:51,417
A girl like me?
345
00:20:53,547 --> 00:20:55,340
Look, we had this, like,
really nice night,
346
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:58,346
and you felt weirded out
by the idea of kissing me.
347
00:20:58,347 --> 00:21:00,225
I get it if you don't want to
have sex, but...
348
00:21:00,226 --> 00:21:02,605
I'm, like, in this
little Muslim box in your head,
349
00:21:02,606 --> 00:21:06,572
and I'm the wife
or the mother of your kids, right?
350
00:21:06,573 --> 00:21:08,159
I'm not supposed to cum.
351
00:21:09,453 --> 00:21:10,705
Okay, I'll choke you.
352
00:21:10,706 --> 00:21:12,207
God just get out of my car.
No, Iāā.
353
00:21:15,632 --> 00:21:16,885
Just...
354
00:21:59,469 --> 00:22:01,223
I don't know what I'm doing, man.
355
00:22:03,018 --> 00:22:04,478
Like...
356
00:22:04,479 --> 00:22:08,403
I look at my parents
and how strong they are
357
00:22:08,404 --> 00:22:11,827
and how they just know
everything's gonna be okay, always,
358
00:22:11,828 --> 00:22:13,455
'cause they have God.
359
00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:17,088
And I believe in God.
360
00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:21,221
I really do, man. There's too many signs.
361
00:22:22,473 --> 00:22:26,189
Like, one time this girl texted me
362
00:22:26,190 --> 00:22:29,279
two minutes after I jerked off
to her Facebook photo.
363
00:22:30,114 --> 00:22:32,535
We didn't talk for months,
and then out of nowhere,
364
00:22:32,536 --> 00:22:34,247
she texted me "'Sup?"
365
00:22:35,918 --> 00:22:38,548
Like, you're gonna tell me
this shit isn't all connected?
366
00:22:42,598 --> 00:22:44,059
I know it is.
367
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:48,024
And, yeah, I have sex
even though I'm not married,
368
00:22:48,025 --> 00:22:51,740
and I'm probably gonna
try mushrooms one day.
369
00:22:51,741 --> 00:22:53,953
So what?
That means I'm not a good Muslim?
370
00:22:53,954 --> 00:22:56,249
Like, I can't do it 'cause I don't follow
371
00:22:56,250 --> 00:22:59,296
all the rules and the fucking judgments
372
00:22:59,297 --> 00:23:02,805
that are always just being put on us?
373
00:23:04,099 --> 00:23:05,560
And then...
374
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,901
I do the same thing.
375
00:23:09,902 --> 00:23:13,660
I put the same fucking judgments
on everyone around me.
376
00:23:17,417 --> 00:23:21,759
I'm just, like, trying to be... good.
377
00:23:27,478 --> 00:23:29,148
Do you...
378
00:23:29,149 --> 00:23:33,157
Do you really think God cares
if I wash between my toes?
379
00:23:42,383 --> 00:23:44,179
You jerk off too much.
380
00:23:45,389 --> 00:23:46,768
It's no good.
381
00:23:48,772 --> 00:23:50,191
No good at all.
382
00:23:52,946 --> 00:23:54,992
And wash between your toes.
30551
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