Original subtitles

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪

[Jammer] Previously on Black Monday...

[explosion]

[Tiff] Ever since I put this on you,

it's just been a series of disasters.

This is cursed.

♪ dramatic music ♪

Your tie pin.

[Tiff] I want you to have the other one

to remember me by.

[Blair] Just a little something

to remind us of the greatest lesson

we've all learned from you, Mo.

[watch ticking]

[both] Fuck 'em all.

Fuck 'em all.

Fuck 'em all.

Mo, is that Tiff?

[Mo] This is my friend Rod Jaminski.

He just died.

[Keith] Your algorithm doesn't even fucking work.

I-I'm working on it.

How would you feel if we told your son and your boyfriend

that they're going to jail for illegal share parking?

[Dawn] Blair's in love with me,

and I think I'm falling for him too.

Blair's trying to make a move against both of us.

He's trying to run the Georgina play for himself.

You really have crossed all the way over to the dark side.

I learned it by watching you, Dad.

[electronic beeping]

♪ upbeat percussive music ♪

♪♪♪

[watch snaps]

- [watch snaps] - [watch snaps]

[Kyle beeps]

[screams]

[Dawn] I almost blew it last night.

Blair was feeling all lovey-dovey, you know,

kissing my neck and--and-- and feeling me up,

- grabbing my-- - Yeah, I get the jizz.

I had to pretend like I found a lump

just so I could get out of there

without punching him in his lying-ass face.

I can't believe that you didn't know he was gay.

Wait, me? You dated a girl for an entire year

without realizing she was deaf.

I thought she was Czech.

- It's a very similar accent. - No, it's not.

Listen, don't worry about Blair, all right?

He's gonna get his by not getting his.

How?

Once we pull this Georgina play,

- we liquidate their assets... - Yeah.

...bankrupt that bitch,

and all the money flows into the Jammer Group.

Of which Blair owns six percent.

Which is why I'm gonna do

the exact same thing to the Jammer Group.

- What? - Turns out, there was

a secret clause in my bylaws that have some real claws

that'll make Santa Claus come--

Okay. Okay, okay, one second.

Can we ditch the wordplay until you finish explaining?

Any majority owner can freeze out any minority owner,

which means you and I can stop Blair from cashing out

while we liquidate the Jammer Group, right?

Bankrupt this bitch, take all that cash,

and start our own company: the Mo Co.

Okay, you're right, the Mo Experience.

[laughs]

Can you believe that we got him trapped

in a classic Catch-69?

I just assume you're gonna tell me why it's not 22?

The only way he can fuck us is if he gets fucked.

So it's a Catch-22.

Jesus Chri-- can we just focus on what's important,

like how we're gonna keep champagne spray

- off our brand-new tuxes? - Mmm.

It's gonna be like a championship locker room

- up in this bitch. - [laughs]

I can't believe you bought us all

Bijan tuxes for your birthday tonight.

Getting you all fitted without you finding out,

now, that was the tricky part.

Oh, yeah.

Dawny, I-- [sighs]

I would have never got here without you.

I can't think of anybody I'd rather celebrate with.

Yeah, well, you just better be at your birthday, you know.

I can't believe you no-showed last year.

You missed Jesse Jackson

telling Joe Piscopo's Joan Rivers impression

to go back to Hymie Town.

Goddamn it, I miss everything.

Yeah, well, let me tell you something:

last year has got nothing on tonight.

- Mm. - If I don't show,

you better call the fucking morgue.

Ooh!

[cork pops]

♪ contemplative music ♪

♪♪♪

- I am so sorry. - [Mike] Are you?

'Cause they said you could have protected me,

but you chose Mo.

They're charging me with securities fraud.

I spent last night in a 12x12 cell.

Well, if you think about it,

it's kind of bigger than your apartment.

Don't, don't.

Look, I didn't think they were gonna do shit.

Oh, they did shit,

and then I had to watch a man named Bertrude

take a shit without breaking eye contact

with me for 15 minutes.

There's no stalls, Keith.

I can fix this, make this right.

Just trust me. Just trust me. Don't--

- [earring clinks] - It's over, Keith.

You can never fix this.

We'll be in touch, Mike.

You called our bluff on your boyfriend.

Next up is your family.

[Deb] Give us Mo and this all goes away.

And destroying the tape isn't gonna

save your ass this time

'cause we're gonna be listening to you live

- with the latest technology. - So small.

You guys don't understand, okay?

Mo is my friend, my best friend.

Mo is a piece of shit, and he's not your friend.

Tell me, how much of the Georgina play

is he giving you again?

Oh, right, zilch percent.

What has he ever done for you?

He gave me a job when no one else would.

[Missy scoffs]

This is your moment of truth, Keith.

Seize it, or we're gonna seize your assets

and your ass, and we'll seize you in court.

Just pick one, Deb.

Seize you in court.

♪ ominous music ♪

♪♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

[applause]

[Mo] All right, everybody, shut the fuck up real quick.

[man] There you go.

Now, listen, we've been through a lot...of coke.

[laughter]

No, no, no, no, actually,

we have shared a lot of--

- Prostitutes. - And herpes.

It was a zit. I have adult acne.

[Mo] But through it all,

we've had each other's backs, right?

And in exactly one minute 34,

it all pays off when we take over Georgina

and strip that bitch like an IROC-Z.

Strip that bitch like Roxy from Cheetah's.

[laughter]

Strip that bitch like Rocky

stripped itself of all artistic merit

with the three lesser received sequels.

[cheers and applause]

I have lined up buyers for all the Georgina warehouses, right?

It's gonna be the biggest real estate deal

in New York history.

[cheers and applause]

And we couldn't have done it all

without the kid here,

who's become like a kid to me.

- Ah. - No, really, I gotta tell you,

it has been amazing to watch your evolution

from punk-ass bitch to cold-ass mofo.

[laughs] Come on, say a few words. Take a bow.

- Well, it's been a real pleasure getting to know--

Okay, here we go: five...

[all] Four, three, two, one!

[all cheering]

[screams]

[all cheering rhythmically]

[Jammer] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[coughs and wheezes]

Maurice.

[man] Oh, my God.

[thud]

Wakey wakey, you fucking lightweight.

You can't-- you can't be here.

You're--you're dead.

You're dead.

Welcome to hell.

[Jammer laughs]

I got ya.

But I-I-I spread your ashes and everything.

I mean, I cried for the first time

since Reagan got shot and didn't die.

It was a prank, bud.

I'm the pranking prank king.

The urn was filled with roadkill

and my friend Bobby Durst's dogs,

maybe a wife or two.

That is so fucking... incredible...

[laughter]

...outrageous, and amazing.

Oh, my God!

I had to find a way to surprise my boy on his birthday,

for Christ's sake.

Gang, this man made so much money

the man made up laws to keep him in prison.

My own personal Mr. Drummond, Rod "The Jammer" Jaminski.

[applause]

[chuckles]

[Yassir] That's why you named

this place the Jammer Group.

Oh, I thought it was hammer but Swedish.

Why would he name it after a Swedish hammer?

[Jammer] What are we chitchatting for, boys?

I've been in a bubble for I don't know

how many fucking months,

so let's all party until we die!

[cheers and applause]

Here we go.

[Mo] This is the best birthday ever!

Mo, can I talk to you in private?

[all] Ooh!

This party just got a little better.

[laughter]

I'm coming too.

[all] Oh.

No, no, I'll try anything twice.

[all chanting] Jammer! Jammer! Jammer!

Mo, we gotta talk.

No, we gotta talk.

You know, I'll start. [clears throat]

♪ Oh, Blair... ♪

Fuck you.

Yeah, we know what you've been up to.

I don't think you do.

[Mo] Oh, we do.

No, you don't.

I'm sorry, Momo.

♪ tense music ♪

What's happening?

You're fired.

And your piece of the Jammer Group is frozen.

Is what we're about to tell you, right, Dawn?

Oh, did you ruin the surprise?

You'd have to have majority control to kick me out.

Oh, baby, I do.

No, baby, you don't.

I'm sorry, Momo.

Why do you keep saying that?

♪ foreboding music ♪

Oh, fuck.

[elevator dings]

[Blair] It all started the night

you ruined my engagement party.

Dawn helped me figure out some things

I'd been struggling with for a long time.

Dawn, I'm really confused right now.

[sighs]

I know. You're gay.

What? No.

No. Why does everyone keep saying that?

I'm sorry; isn't--isn't that

what you were gonna say you're confused about?

No.

No, what I was going to say was, I'm confused about Mo.

Is he up to something with me and Georgina?

Because I found the Georgina document in the shredder,

and--and--and I could have sworn that that cop actor

tonight at the party,

he was the security guard

who busted me for coke on the floor.

And I think I saw him in an ALF.

Well, fuck all that.

I'm worried about you, Blair.

Talk to me.

I got a feeling I'm the only person

you can talk to about this.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It's like...it's like when I first got to the city,

I kept seeing these ads for the McDonald's McRib.

Do you know that thing?

It's like a rack of ribs on a bun, except it's not.

It's something called restructured meat product,

and they pressurize it into the shape of ribs,

bones and all.

Why would someone want a sandwich with bones in it?

Exactly. It doesn't make sense.

The bones aren't real.

♪ unsettling music ♪

And I guess sometimes that's...

that's how I feel, like I've...

...like I've been pressed into this shape that...

...doesn't make sense to me.

I don't know. I--

I don't know what I feel.

But I feel it in my bones.

Do you like how I got back to bones?

And you almost landed it. [chuckles]

But I get it.

I felt that way before I got to the Jammer Group,

but...

...that's what's so great about New York.

You can be who you are.

And you'll figure out who that is, Blair,

but whatever you do...

...you can't marry Tiff.

I know.

But should we order some ribs?

I could do a half slab. [laughs]

[Dawn] Then when I was up at the lake house,

Blair called me in the middle of the night

and helped me figure out some things

that I'd been struggling with for a long time too.

What?

Yes!

Tiff's parents kidnapped her for the press.

I can't believe how fucked everyone is.

They fucked their own daughter.

Mo fucked me.

Well, you know what?

Fuck 'em all.

Let's you and I run the Georgina play.

That's right.

I know you knew.

You're too smart not to.

I can't.

I just--I can't-- I can't do that to Mo.

Oh, Jesus, Dawn, for someone so smart,

you have a real blind spot for Mo.

- There's a good man in there. - Where?

You built that place with him,

and he made you beg to get even less than you deserve.

He acts like the only reason you got anywhere

is because you slept with him.

That is bullshit!

Okay, I am the best trader in that shithole.

- I'm the best trader anywhere. - Exactly.

Look, you set me straight or whatever the other night,

and now I'm gonna set you straight.

It's your time, Dawn.

Mo's been holding you back for long enough.

Be who you are.

Here's the plan:

first, I'm gonna get a fucking cordless phone.

[Mo] Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why would you make me think that you were dating

and then turn right back around and tell me that you're gay?

Because I knew you'd never give up

the six percent of the Jammer Group to Blair

unless you thought it was your idea.

[Blair] The only way to fuck you without you knowing

was to convince you you were fucking me at the same time.

Catch-69.

Honestly, it was a lot easier than we thought.

You were jealous of us all year for no reason.

We just had to give you one.

Blair is in love with me,

and I think that I'm falling for him too.

[Blair] And then add in a dash

of your coke-fueled paranoia

about how everyone's out to get you...to get you.

I just bumped into Tiff, all right?

Now, she's pretty plastered,

but she still managed to drop a couple bombshells like...

[whispers] I'm in.

We're doing the me play.

- I cut Tiff in. - Yeah?

She took it surprisingly well, considering she just found out

her marriage and her kidnapping were a sham.

It's gonna cost us, but she's gonna set up Mo.

She can't wait to use her "acting."

Just like theater camp,

I'm always getting fucked by gay guys.

Wait a minute, what do you--

And he's gonna run to me,

and I'm gonna run him in circles.

Blair is gay.

Oh, no, not Blair.

I'm gonna...

...kill that motherfucker.

Yeah, that's good. That's good. I like that.

[Mo] So six percent I gave you

plus her 15 percent, that's 21.

I'm sure the other 30 percent came from the Leighmans.

- [Dawn] Yep. - But how?

The algorithm.

Once I accepted the fact

that the only thing it was good for was losing money,

I realized I could spot a loser from a mile away.

I rewrote the code to automatically sell

when a stock hit a certain threshold to diminish losses,

portfolio insurance.

I wanted to call it the Blair bag,

like airbag but with my name,

or the Blair-achute,

but I'm not a fucking pussy anymore.

Wow.

Well, fuck me.

I mean, I guess you already did that.

And I deserved it...

from him, but from you?

Jesus Christ, Dawn, how could you do this shit?

What a punk move.

I mean, didn't we have some good times together?

Good times? This isn't about you, Mo.

- This is about me. - Oh.

- Punk move, really? - Yeah.

If I were a man, they'd just call it business.

- It's just business, Mo. - Well, you know what?

I taught you the fucking business.

I have an MBA from Northwestern.

Oh, here we go, throw that shit up in my face.

You could set your clock by that one.

I literally never mention it.

You know what? I dropped out of seventh grade.

- Sorry, Dawn, sue me. - I never cared, Mo.

- Bullshit you didn't care. - Bullshit I never cared!

[Blair] Guys, guys.

Let me get my camcorder

'cause I love it when Mommy and Daddy fight.

- Motherfucker. - What the fuck?

- Hey, hey, hey! - [Yassir] Yo, yo!

Check it out! The market's taking a huge shit right now.

[loud indistinct shouting]

It's down 200 points.

[Blair] Wow, that's even more than we thought.

The fuck did you guys do?

[Dawn] Well, once we saw how easily the Leighmans

let Blair's video game take over their whole portfolio,

we couldn't resist.

Well, if it isn't Robert Downey syndrome.

I was hoping I'd run into you with my Porsche,

but I had to sell that car

when your algorithm wiped out my account

and fucked me from VP down to bean counter.

Literally, I work at the soybean pit

hawking Jap fart marbles

like some sort of Mick Dago Yid mutt.

Wow, you really hit everyone there.

Well, despite that slurry of slurs,

I came to make it up to you.

This will get you back in that corner office.

[Blair] After it worked for him for a month,

Ty convinced all of Morgan to use the algorithm too.

But what Leighman and Morgan didn't know

was that we put a tiny glitch in the program

that would sell their entire portfolio

when a certain blue chip stock started dropping.

Georgina Jeans.

Georgina Jeans.

[Blair] And, of course,

the Georgina play triggered a major sell-off.

And then you shorted the market.

Well, that was Dawn's idea.

I mean, what's 100 mill when you can make two?

Stupid.

[both laugh]

[Dawn] Mo, listen.

Mo?

Are you gonna barf?

Uh, just, uh, having a little bit

of an out-of-money experience.

You guys have any fucking idea what you've done?

It's a minor market correction.

Correction?

Blair, what did I tell you fucking day one?

Computers don't make trades. Men do.

And men are superstitious and scared and stupid,

and when they see two big houses selling,

they're gonna fucking panic,

and panic spreads like wildfire, like chlamydia.

- I can't believe-- - What?

That we beat you and the market?

I was gonna say I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

'cause that shit spreads real nice.

People are gonna lose their fucking houses,

their jobs, their livelihoods,

their fucking everything, Blair.

So?

[scoffs]

[Mo] Wow. This isn't a stock play.

It's a Steinbeck play, Grapes of Wrath shit.

Well, congratulations, assholes.

You just broke the fucking world.

I think you're exaggerating.

Am I?

[distant scream]

♪ Six o'clock already ♪

♪ I was just in the middle of a dream ♪

[screaming, wailing]

♪ I was kissin' Valentino ♪

♪ By a crystal blue Italian stream ♪

♪♪♪

[indistinct shouting]

♪ But I can't be late ♪

♪ 'Cause then I guess I just won't get paid ♪

[indistinct shouting]

♪ These are the days ♪

♪ When you wish your bed was already made ♪

♪ It's just another manic Monday ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I wish it was Sunday ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ 'Cause that's my fun day ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ My I-don't-have-to-run day ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

No, fuck! Not the Georgina play!

The market's crashing.

It's happening again, Len, just like '29.

We're not going out like Grand-père.

No Leighmans are dying today!

Stop talking and just move everything into gold.

- Dammit! - What?

We're locked out of our positions.

The algorithm, it's selling everything we own.

I can't stop it.

This was all a Jammer Group plot to screw us.

Yeah, well, nobody screws us but us.

I-I-I-I meant--

I know what you meant.

I meant that the only one smart enough

to technically get the better of us is technically us.

You're just a little haphazard

with your word choices, all right?

I mean, all siblings take baths together,

you know, when they're younger,

and then what--what's the cutoff age, eight, nine?

Yeah, you're preaching to the choir.

In Europe, there is no cutoff.

Forty five, I don't know.

Can you please just stop the algorithm?

- Stop yelling at me!

- Stop the fucking algorithm!

♪ ominous music ♪

♪♪♪

[knock on door]

What?

[Dawn] Look, Mo.

You always said if I wanted something from you,

I had to take it.

I'm sorry, Mo,

but it's my time,

and if it's any consolation, you know,

this--this--this whole thing,

it was in motion before I even knew about the ring and...

Does it matter? [scoffs]

Does any of this fucking shit matter anymore?

It's just us, you know what I mean,

round and round on a fucking roller coaster,

like you called it.

I'm done with it.

I want to get off.

For real,

or is this just a joke about gettin' off?

I'm out of jokes.

Look, I--

I love you.

But you know that already.

So what is there even left to say?

[sighs]

Fuck the play. Fuck the money. Fuck 'em all.

Okay, it really is just us.

[exhales]

Pretty unorthodox proposal.

[Blair] He didn't buy that ring five years ago.

He bought it yesterday.

Get the fuck out of here, Blair.

I had a PI follow you, Maurice.

You sent Chad upstate yesterday

to buy that ring to cover your ass.

[Mo] No, I sent Chad to pick up my new Limbo yesterday.

- He was never gonna propose. - Dawn.

That's not true, okay? This is real.

Nothing about you is real.

You are all bullshit.

Dawn, do not get soft right now.

I don't know what to believe.

Believe me.

[Jammer] Holy shit!

This market is falling harder than me in the shower.

You can take a hike.

What's the long faces?

Let's start celebrating before the world ends.

Not really a good time to celebrate, Jammer.

These two... [laughs]

...fucked me over.

What?

It's fucking done, all right?

The Georgina play blew up in my face.

That's bullshit.

Look, it's nice to have some family here

at least to celebrate my birthday.

Family, what are you--what are you talking about family?

You think I came here for your pathetic fuckin' birthday?

What, are you nine?

You want a GoBot or something?

I'm here for my piece of the Georgina play.

You don't have any shares of Georgina.

Or of the Jammer Group.

Bitch, I staked the Jammer Group.

Why the hell do you think they call it the Jammer Group?

That was a gift for me

because you were proud of me and what I--

Proud? Goddamn it, kid, you're embarrassing yourself.

You're not my son.

If you were my son,

you wouldn't have fucked up like this.

We met in prison, for Christ's sake, Roland.

What's the matter with you?

Who's Roland?

You gave me your fucking lucky watch.

You mean this fucking watch?

They're 60 bucks,

and I get 'em from a Chinaman in Koreatown.

Who's Roland?

He's me. I'm him. It's--

I told you, Dawn.

He is all bullshit.

♪ funky hip-hop music ♪

♪♪♪

[man] Oh, hey, let me take care of it.

You got a little spot right here, man.

Hey, I said no. You see this?

[Chad] What the fuck are you doing?

Yeah. [shouts] What the--

Give me that bow!

[Larry] It's gonna be all right.

It's okay.

[Lenny] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

One of us should take a steamy shit in Mo's car?

[laughs]

I haven't felt this close to you since

we ate our brother, Lonnie, in the womb.

[giggles]

Flip it.

Watch out.

[both] Heads.

[both] Tails.

[both] Heads.

You know what? I actually have to go anyway.

Oh, I know.

[chuckles] Love you.

Make it a wet one! [laughs]

[mouthing words]

[engine revs]

[Blair] Look, Mo,

I know you think you've lost everything,

but you haven't.

You will always have...

the Honda.

You're gonna need my shitty Honda.

A bet's a bet.

You really are a fucking Boy Scout.

I'm sorry to interrupt your little drum circle here,

you fucking hippies,

but I made a long-term investment in you,

and now I'm here to collect.

Well, get it from them, all right?

I taught 'em everything I know,

and they used it to play me.

[Jammer] Bullshit!

I taught you everything I know,

which is how I know

all of you are playing me.

It's over, Jammer.

[Keith] Holy shit.

Fat Fred just had a heart attack in the grain pit.

Jammer, I'm telling you the truth.

They won fair and square.

They pulled off the Georgina play.

Wow, twist.

Yeah, did all I could.

[Keith] You actually did a lot,

didn't you, Mo?

Like planting cocaine on Blair

and laundering money for the Yakuza

and parking all that Georgina stock illegally,

so we can all agree that Maurice Monroe did all of that.

[Mo] Yes, Keith, Maurice Monroe did all of that,

although I'm not sure why we're listing this

all in one sitting.

But Keith's right.

[scoffs] You're always right.

You're the only one in this room full of fucking snakes

that never fucked me over for 15 years.

Turns out you're the best friend I got in the world.

[scoffs]

Jesus Christ, I love you, man.

Uh...

Um, can I get some air?

I-I just-- excuse me for a second.

♪ tense music ♪

♪♪♪

[engine revs]

[Jammer] Listen up, you fucks.

I've been waiting all my life for a deal this sweet...

[engine revs]

...and I am not leaving here without my piece.

What the fuck are you gonna do about it, Jammer?

It's over.

[Jammer] What the fuck am I gonna do about it?

- [Mo] Yeah. - How 'bout this?

- [Dawn] My gun! - You think I'm fucking around?

Oh, oh, okay, okay.

[engine revs]

Huh, you people think I'm fucking around?

[engine winds down]

♪ intense music ♪

[Jammer] Now who's fucking around?

- [gunshot] - [Dawn screams]

[Mo] Holy shit, Keith!

- Ow. - [Dawn] Keith!

Ah!

[Dawn] Mo!

[groans]

♪♪♪

[gasping]

[Jammer] Nobody jams the Jammer!

[Dawn] Mo!

[Jammer] Ah!

Ah!

Prick!

[Jammer groans]

Fuck me?

Fuck you.

[Dawn] Mo!

[groaning]

[growls]

[Jammer screams]

[groaning]

[explosion]

[all] Oh!

[labored breathing]

Fuck me.

Fuck you!

♪ suspenseful synth music ♪

♪♪♪

[Keith] Boss.

I'm sorry.

Fuck him.

No.

I'm sorry.

♪ solemn music ♪

[sighs]

♪♪♪

[Deb] Okay.

Okay!

Listen up, everybody!

All right, fan out and find Maurice Monroe!

What she said, motherfuckers!

♪♪♪

[Dawn] Mo.

Roland, whoever.

[scoffs]

Yeah, I know how this song goes.

Yeah.

[door opens, closes]

Fuck.

Was a little bumpy,

but I think we stuck the landing.

A man just died.

[scoffs] I mean,

he was kinda already knockin' on hell's door.

Let's celebrate, partner.

[sniffs]

Ah.

More for me!

♪ ominous music ♪

- [door bangs] - [Missy] Go, go, go!

He's got to be here somewhere.

Look around!

Mr. Monroe, you're under--

oh, it's just his secretary.

Let's keep moving! Go, go, go!

♪ tense music ♪

♪♪♪

[scoffs]

♪ Time, it goes so fast when you're having fun ♪

♪ It's just another manic Monday ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Wish it was Sunday ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ 'Cause that's my fun day ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ My I-don't-have-to-run day ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ It's just another manic Monday ♪

♪♪♪

[watch ticking]

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