All language subtitles for Blackish.S05E18.WEB.h264-TBS.HI.C

DRE: Just like our smartphones,

sometimes we humans need updates, too.

So, I pay all the bills, and I'm forced

to sit Indian-style on the floor?

Easy, fella. It's "criss-cross
applesauce" now.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Dad, would you like it

if there was some White guy
asking his son

not to wear his hat "Negro-style"?

Criss-cross applesauce it is.

Fine. Move your feet, Negro.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪♪

So, I try my best to stay up to date,

but it doesn't always work out.

I know what we're doing for
Devante's birthday party.

Ha ha!

A water gun fight!

- A box of guns, Dre?
- [Chuckles]

We are not having a gun party
for our child's second birthday!

Think about the message
that you're sending!

The message is, "Who wants to
get riddled with fun?!"

Aaah! Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay, okay! Oh!

[Laughing] What?

Do you think I would really give
you a loaded water gun, Bow?

[Sighs] I have thought
about this birthday party,

and we've got to do it right,

and the child-rearing rules keep changing.
It's tough to keep up!

- [Laughter]
- Oh, hey, um...

- I made some homemade snack bars.
- Oh.

Healthy, organic, no gluten,
no dairy, no nuts.

Oh. Hey, did those go
right from the hot oven

into that toxic plastic container?

Um... no.

Warm plastic leaches toxins into food.

- Did you know that?
- [Sighs]

I still microwave Styrofoam,

- so I probably did not know that.
- [Sighing]

You know, when the chicken bone
pops through,

that's when I know it's done.

Well, I've thought about
Devante's birthday party,

and we need to be more mindful.

And for his party, we are gonna have

an allergen-safe environment

with organic face painting
and gender-neutral games.

And pony rides!

[Muttering] Oh, my God...

- You're joking, right?
- What?

- Those animals are so mistreated.
- Exactly!

I just saw a doc called
"Parties of Shame,"

and the only thing treated
worse than those ponies

- are human clowns.
- Mnh-mnh.

But unlike the ponies,
those clowns had a choice.

- Mnh.
- They just made the wrong one.

Look, all this stuff might've
worked 10 or 20 years ago,

but we know better now,
and we need to do better.

Okay, okay, babe, I hear you.

- Okay.
- How 'bout a piñata?

- Really?!
- What's wrong with a piñata?!

Let's start with the fact that
it's hanging from a tree.

Oh...

Yeah, I guess I should've caught that.

Plus, many of those piñatas
are unlicensed reproductions

- of copyrighted...
- You know what? Mnh!

Oh!

- Dad, why?!
- You know why.

Uh... w... No, don't.

Take... Take cover, sweetheart!

- Yeah, "Boyz n the Hood"-style!
- There's no water!

- There's no water in it!
- "Boyz n the Hood"-style!

- Wh...
- [Screams]

[Shouting]

So, Mom was hitting Dad up
about being more mindful,

and I think she's right.

We could do more,

especially when it comes
to the environment.

But we do a ton for the environment.

I mean, we're twins.

- Instant carpool.
- No, we can do better.

We've been riding on that for a while.

Bingo. Great.

So, our first order of business

is to wrangle up the most
wasteful person among us.

♪♪

[Door opens]

[Water running]

♪♪

- Grandma!
- What the hey?

How did I know the shower would be on

but you wouldn't be in it?

'Cause Grandma's efficient, baby.

I'm getting the wrinkles
out of my clothes

and skin at the same time.

- It's definitely working on the clothes.
- Whoa.

Okay, that sharp tongue of yours

is gonna serve you well
in hell, baby girl.

And anyway, I can only brush
my teeth in humidity.

I've got what dentists call
"fool's enamel."

Come on, Grandma, you gotta start

thinking about the environment.

Yeah, get on board.

You kids got it all wrong.

Letting a little water run is fine

if the reward you seek
is not of this world.

You see, there's nothing
to recycle in heaven. Eh?

Now get out of here.

I floss in the nude.

- That's right! Go on! Get out!
- Oh! Get...

The hell outta here. Go on!
Talking all that crap.

- [Sighs]
- Uh-oh.

Okay, what's wrong, Dre?

Is the vending machine
all out of sunflower seeds?

Okay, so, then, you do know.

We're having Devante's birthday party,

and I want ponies and water guns,

but Bow says I'm not being mindful.

- Ohh.
- Mnh.

Suddenly, everything I love
is a problem.

- Tell me about it.
- [Pen clicking]

Do you remember bum fights?

God, they were so much fun.

Now you can't call 'em "bums,"
and you can't make 'em fight.

Hey, you know what?
There are land mines everywhere.

A rug can be called "Oriental,"

but that can't be your preference

on your dating profile, believe you me.

And can someone tell me this...

when it did become
not okay to kick birds?

That... That long, huh?

Look, guys, there's a lot
of upside to being mindful,

but, damn it, it seems as if
they keep moving the goal line.

Mm-hmm.

Like there's a secret society
who decides

what is and isn't appropriate
for all of us.

- Yeah.
- Secret society?

W-W-Who's in a secret society?

Not me. [Chuckles]

And hell, nah, we don't call ourselves

Illuminaughty By Nature.

- What?
- [Chuckles]

STEVENS: Look, Dre, face it, okay?

The moral high horse that
society is riding these days,

well, it is trampling over
everything we love.

And the minute they take it away,

oho, it is gone forever.

So what do I do?

You fight it, Dre.

Come on, have the party
you want to have.

You want to shoot ponies?

Go ahead, shoot ponies.

We aren't shooting ponies!

So they already got to you, huh?

♪♪

[Door opens]

- [Humming]
- Bow, we need to talk.

- Hi, Dre.
- Hi.

Uh, look, baby, we need to stand tall

and fight for everything that
our kids enjoy... classics.

All right, we cannot let the PC Police

take everything away from us.

So I'm giving you two choices

for Devante's birthday party...

ponies...

or water guns and ponies.

Okay, I understand that this
is important to you, Dre,

but what is important to me

is that I can make adjustments
and be mindful.

And I get it... I'm a good person,

but can we maybe pick this up later?

Is that cool? All right?

And you're making me lose count.

- Okay. That's cool.
- 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27.

[Door shuts]

- Baby?
- 28, 29, 30. Yes.

Did you just call me a bad person?

Yeah. I did.

Just because I think our son would like

a little water fight and
a couple of ponies at his party

does not make me a bad person.

[Clears throat]
Okay, I'd be lying if I said

I wasn't baffled by some
of the things that you still do.

Like what?

You still listen to "Ain't No Fun."

It's a jam.

It's misogynist.

It's about friends and sharing!

Think about the chorus.

- [Gasps] Oh...
- Yeah.

It's, uh... it's just about sharing.

And it's not just about music, babe...

it's your whole approach to life.

I mean, you are not mindful
of how things impact others

unless they directly affect you.

Name an instance where I put
myself ahead of others.

[Laughs]

[Laughing]

What's so funny?

[Laughing] You want me to name one?

Yeah, that's about 50 pounds.

Okay.

Back to Sexy Dre.

I didn't come up with "Sexy Dre."

- The streets did!
- Okay, fine!

How about the fact that,
when we go out to eat,

you never want to do farm-to-table.

'Cause I don't care about the biography

of a carrot before I eat it.

I know that you sneak-watch
"The Cosby Show"

in the middle of the night.

- I only laugh at Rudy.
- [Scoffs]

Everything you're calling me out for

is what contributed to who I am today.

Ohh... you know what?

- What?
- [Clicks tongue]

You're right.

Ohh, sweetheart.

- What?
- I know it's hard for you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying
you're better than me, Bow?

- Well.
- Well, for someone who claims

to love animals as much as you do,

you're serving an awful lot
of steak at Devante's party.

I only buy level-five,

grass-fed, hormone-free beef.

Those are happy cows.

Yeah, happy until they get
a bolt in the brain.

Fine. I'll be vegan.

It's no problem.

Okay.

What about those diamonds?

Hmm?

What about them?

Lives were lost
for those blood diamonds.

Rent a movie.

"It's not bling-bling.

It's bling bang."

Then I won't wear them anymore.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, it's easy not to wear earrings.

Why don't we do something
that requires real sacrifice?

Like that luxury SUV that seats eight

but only drives one most of the time.

I'll take the bus!

Stop talking crazy, Bow,

and just admit that
I'm not a bad person,

and you're not as good
as you say that you are.

- [Sighs]
- All right, and let's go order some steak

- with some diamonds on top.
- Ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah-ah!

The sign of a good person, Dre,

is that you are willing to do better,

and I want to do better.

You won't survive on the bus.

Game on!

I'm-a get a monthly pass.

Do you know why?

Because I...

Uh...

...am a good person.

♪♪

Hey, kids!

Come on over here
and give Grandma a hand.

Come on.

Grandma, how come you didn't use
the bags that we gave you?

Yeah. Science shows that
those reusable totes

are better for the environment.

Unh-unh. I found an onion skin
in one... threw 'em all away.

Contamination!

Did you individually bag bananas?

Oh, baby, when they touch, they go bad.

There's your science.

Well, can you at least save them
so you can reuse them?

Oh, baby, I save 'em already!

Look at this. See?

[Gasps] Grandma, that is
horrible, even for you!

- You can't possibly keep all these bags!
- You hear that, kids?

Mr. Environmental wants me to
dump them in a landfill.

I'll get rid of them the right way...

with an old-fashioned trash fire.

Diane, go get my burn barrel.

You had it last.

Grandma, no.
You'll release greenhouse gases.

And that melts the polar ice caps.

Tell her, Diane.

I don't know.

I love polar bears, but I also
love a big, stanky fire.

Diane, no...

That's right, baby.

Burn what needs to be burned.

- [Chuckles] Yeah.
- Mm.

So, Bow had been living
mindfully for a week.

I kept waiting for her to
crumble, but she was all in.

- You know, Dre?
- Hmm?

I don't even miss my diamonds.

And everyone at work

- loved my vegan chili...
- [Crunching]

...and you were wrong about the bus.

How's that book, Bow?

The reviews are great.

Oh! Oh. [Chuckles]

Um, it's really good, Tonya.

Yeah, uh, you can borrow it
when I'm done.

- That would be amazing.
- Just like our public transit system.

- [Laughing]
- Amazing.

Yeah. Right?

Making all these adjustments

has made me feel like I'm doing my part.

- I see it, too...
- Hmm.

...and I think you deserve a reward

for being such a good person.

Oh, no, no, no.

You can't tempt me...

not with burgers or steaks or...

Voilà!

- Feast your eyes.
- Mm-hmm.

Smell it. Mmm.

[Sniffs]

[Exhales shakily]

[Inhales deeply]

Conflict-free?

No... much conflict.

Inner conflict.

Should I go huge or huger?

I hope you kept your receipt,
Dre, because Mama is clean now.

I...

And I need to go finish reading my book

so that I can give it to my bus buddy.

Hold on, b-babe, babe.

You mean, you really weren't
doing all of this

just to make me look bad?

I am not, Dre, and you should
try being a good person, too.

It's not that hard.

Make that change.

♪♪

[Clatters]

Even though
this man in the mirror was fly,

Bow had me thinking.

If she wasn't going to
come down to my level,

maybe I needed to come up to
hers and be more mindful...

like by donating my unmindful
things to charity.

These were made in a sweatshop,
probably by children.

Real wolf fur.

- Likely a mom and her cubs
- [Sniffing]

taken while sleeping.

It was so in that year, but so wrong.

My belt budget alone could build

a girls' school in Africa.

And now that I was seeing
the world in a different way,

I couldn't turn it off.

For example,
Tony is no longer a Latino...

he's a member of the Latinx community.

And I'm learning to speak Latinx.

Holax, Tony. Buenos Diax.

I think that was right.

I even had to see my lunch
in a different way.

I was excited about eating mindfully.

Whoa. How did you have them cook that,

medium-green?

- [Laughs]
- [Chuckles]

Guys, I'm happy with my salad.

Are you sure you're not sick, Dre?

- Hmm?
- Because that looks like

the lunch of someone who found out

he's gonna die if he doesn't
make changes.

- [Laughs]
- Ooh! One rib left.

- Splitsies?
- Oh, absolutely.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Of course, it was a struggle
to stay mindful,

and I nearly fell off
the wagon that night.

MAN: Welcome to Pauly's Burgers.
What can I get you?

Yeah...

Never mind.

I can't do it.

[Muffled hip-hop music plays]

[Music continues]

Oh, no, you didn't.

♪♪

- DRE: Hey! Hey!
- [Radio clicks]

- [Classical music plays]
- Hey.

I see you.

I see you!

And... were you just listening
to "Ain't No Fun"?

- Huh?!
- [Seat whirring]

The least mindful song
in the history of hip-hop?!

What?!

That's corrupt! You hypocrite!

- [Muffled] I know!
- I...

I know "Ain't No Fun" is wrong,

but you were right... it's a jam.

And it was my jam
all through med school,

and I can't take that back.

You guilted me into
donating my wolf coat.

- Wh...
- And now my fox scarf looks silly.

It always looked silly, didn't it?

- I ate salad for lunch on rib day.
- [Whispering] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Now, was this mindfulness just a lie?

No!

I tried!

And I... It was all going really well,

and then, I-I don't know, I just...

I... fell off the rails today.

BOW: Sure, not wearing my diamond
ring made some things easier,

but it also made some things creepier.

- Single, huh?
- Oh, uh... [Scoffs]

Once they take this catheter out,
why don't I take you out?

[Laughs]

It turns out they were lying
about loving my chili.

[Gasps]

[Gasps]

And even the bus stopped working for me.

Here you go. Enjoy.

Thank you!

[Dramatic chord plays]

- I knew it.
- [Groans]

Bow, just admit...
You are no better than me.

I'm not.

We're both terrible people.

Well, speak for yourself.

Do whatever you want
for Devante's birthday party.

I don't... I don't have
a leg to stand on.

[Clicks tongue]

What? I-I...

[Crunching]

♪♪

- Got to hold it?
- Yep.

- There we go.
- Uhhh...

TOGETHER: [Chuckling] Ooh!

This is gonna save us literally
hundreds of gallons a year.

Aww... That's nice.

You guys finally found the perfect thing

to put all your ideas in.

Jack, you want to come with us
to test-drive an Escalade

tonight after dinner?

I'm starting to think
I need more elbow room

and off-roading capabilities.

- Off... Off-roading?
- Mm.

Grandma, that car gets
like 14 miles per gallon.

Jack, after 400 years of suffering,

don't you think Black people
have a right

to enjoy the fruits of their labor?

And now we're supposed
to spend more time

cleaning up messes we didn't make?

Does that sound right to you...
as a strong Black man?

Say no more.

Sorry, Junior, but this
strong Black man's

going with his grandma.

- Let's ride dirty.
- Mm-hmm.

- For my brothas!
- That's it, baby!

Oh, hey, Grandma.

On our way there, can we both litter?

Oh... absolutely.

[Exhales deeply]

Ha! And then there was one. [Laughs]

- Hey, babe?
- TV: ...will return after these messages.

[Television clicks off]

What were you watching?

"Sixteen Candles."

- [Gasps] Oh, you mean the movie...
- Ohh.

...where they play the gong

every time the Asian character enters?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

And that other guy just gave
his drunk girlfriend to a nerd.

- It's horrible!
- [Chuckles]

I loved this movie when I was a kid.

It was the first time I saw a story

about an awkward teenage girl
that was like me.

Oh.

I just don't feel ready to give it up.

Ugh! I'm a monster!

- Hey, hey, hey, babe.
- Mnh?

- I hate this.
- [Groans loudly]

I just wanted to knock you down a peg.

I didn't... I didn't mean to break you.

You didn't break me.

It was that mom at the park

- talking about plastic.
- [Sighs]

And the thought of all those
parents coming over here

to Devante's birthday party
and judging me

because of the water pistols
and the ponies.

So you know what I did?

- I judged you.
- Hmm.

I made you feel bad
to make myself feel better,

and for that... [sighs]
I am sorry, my husband.

I am sorry.

You know what, my wife?

You're still a better person than me.

- You don't have to say that.
- No, it's true, babe.

You are the moral compass of our family,

and I need you to be that for
all of us, especially for me.

It's why we work.

[Clicks tongue]

So you're saying that even
if I drive my big truck to work,

I'm still better than you?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

What if I go to the drive-thru

and order something with bacon on it?

Still better.

What if I swerve close
to a cyclist just to scare them?

Now you're getting on my level.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

I've done it a few times.

[Both laugh]

- RUBY: [Laughing]
- That was the best.

We had to stop for gas three times.

- [Laughs]
- Yeah. The coolest part was passing by

all those people we could've
picked up but didn't.

Living our best lives, huh, baby?

- Mm-hmm.
- If it were up to Junior,

he would have us get out
and push our way home.

You know what? I'm out, Grandma.

You win.

No one is gonna change your mind.

And maybe you're right.

Maybe I should start living like you...

in the moment with no concern

for the next generation's future.

Here. Keep an eye on your grandson.

Come on, guys, let's go throw some
batteries in the regular trash!

[Keys jingle]

That guy, huh?

[Chuckles]

Ooh.

Don't look at me like that.

Of course I want a nice planet

for the next generation to live on,

but don't I deserve to enjoy
my hard-earned freedoms?

Ohh... you got me there, now.

I'm being selfish.

Okay, Devante.

I'm gonna do better for you.

I'm gonna even start turning
my car off when I get home.

I don't need the heater
running all night.

But I can take those five minutes

and warm it up in the morning.

How 'bout that?

[High-pitched voice]
What about the plastic bags,

- Grandma Ruby?
- [Laughs]

Don't push it, Junior!

[Laughs]

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com