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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,963 A Mostly True Story 2 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,143 The smell is sweet, 3 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,771 with urine only a minor component, 4 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:13,359 the prevalent odour suggesting the inside of someone's ear. 5 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,611 Dank clothes are there, too, 6 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,948 wet wool and onions, which she eats raw, 7 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,785 plus, what for me has always been the essence of poverty, 8 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,328 damp newspaper. 9 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,545 Miss Shepherd's multi-flavoured aroma 10 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,632 is masked by a liberal application of various talcum powders, 11 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,303 with Yardley's Lavender always a favourite. 12 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,889 And currently it is this genteel fragrance 13 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:48,895 that dominates the second subject, as it were, in her odoriferous concerto. 14 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,524 But as she goes, the original theme returns, 15 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,778 her own primary odour now triumphantly restated 16 00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:01,490 and left hanging in the house long after she has departed. 17 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:03,743 Tell her. 18 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:08,331 Miss Shepherd. 19 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:11,500 In future, I would prefer if you didn't use my lavatory. 20 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,753 There are lavatories at the bottom of the High Street. Use those. 21 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:17,340 They smell. And I'm by nature a very clean person. 22 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:21,093 I have a testimonial for a clean room, awarded me some years ago. 23 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,722 And, do you know, my aunt, herself spotless, 24 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:28,309 said I was the cleanest of all my mother's children, 25 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:31,354 particularly in the unseen places. 26 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:40,988 The writer is double. 27 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:47,536 There is the self who does the writing, and there is the self who does the living. 28 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,499 And they talk. They argue. 29 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,543 Writing is talking to oneself. 30 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,420 And I've been doing it all my life, 31 00:04:56,505 --> 00:05:00,383 and long before I first saw this house five years ago. 32 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:05,471 - Fifteen? - Number 10 fetched 17. 33 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,557 Come on. I thought you had a play on in the West End. 34 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,645 These houses have got so much potential, 35 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,814 once you get rid of the junk. 36 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,400 There you have it. Gloucester Crescent. 37 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,698 Good street. On the up and up. 38 00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:31,330 Big motor, have you? Loads of room. 39 00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:40,381 Watch out... 40 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,553 - Just be a few minutes. - All right, governor. 41 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,784 You're not Saint John, are you? 42 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:12,747 - Saint John who? - Saint John, the disciple whom Jesus loved. 43 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,707 No. The name's Bennett. 44 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,626 Well, if you're not Saint John, I need a push for the van. 45 00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:19,628 It's conked out. 46 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,966 The battery, possibly. I put some water in. Hasn't done the trick. 47 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,468 Well, was it distilled water? 48 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:30,014 It was holy water, so it doesn't matter if it's distilled or not. 49 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,892 'Course, the oil is another possibility. 50 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,393 That's not holy, too? 51 00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:38,397 Holy oil? Well, in a van, it would be far too expensive. Now. 52 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:42,651 I want pushing around the corner. So... 53 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,869 Are you wanting to go far? 54 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,622 Possibly. I'm in two minds. 55 00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,794 I'm turning left! 56 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,059 Is that it? 57 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,312 I need... I need the other end. 58 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,523 Well, that's half a mile away. 59 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,192 I'm in dire need of assistance. 60 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,569 I'm a sick woman. 61 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,071 Dying, possibly. 62 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,701 I'm just looking for a last resting place, somewhere to lay my head. 63 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,789 Do you know of anyone? 64 00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,585 Bye-bye, madam. Mind how you go. 65 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:47,299 A proper writer might welcome such an encounter as constituting experience. 66 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,929 Me, I have to wait and mull it over. 67 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,597 She saw you coming. 68 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,724 She's old. 69 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,727 You wouldn't get Harold Pinter pushing a van down the street. 70 00:07:58,812 --> 00:07:59,979 No, unlike me. 71 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:04,608 But then I'm too busy not writing plays and leading my mad, vigorous creative life. 72 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:08,070 Yeah, you live it, I write it. 73 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,076 - Welcome. - Hello. 74 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,744 - All moved in? - Hello. Yes. 75 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,289 - Was the move good? - Yes, thank you. 76 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:19,415 Well done. 77 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,712 It's a pretty house. 78 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:28,090 Not as big as ours, of course, but then you're unattached. 79 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,092 No, it's attached to the house behind. 80 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,262 I mean you. You're single. 81 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:41,145 Sickert once lived in the street, apparently. Dickens' abandoned wife. 82 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,731 Now it's the usual North London medley. 83 00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:48,777 Advertising, journalism, TV. People like you, writers, artists. 84 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,446 Anything in the pipeline? 85 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,948 Well, I have got a play on in the West End. 86 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,076 Of course you have, yeah. 87 00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:58,454 Dare one ask? 88 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,122 Thirteen five. 89 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,958 - Oh, my God. - Yes, I know. 90 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:06,045 We're twice as big, so what does that make ours worth? 91 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,632 Mind you, our new neighbour won't help the prices. 92 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:10,925 Yes, we've met. 93 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,552 Last year she was in Gloucester Avenue. Now it's our turn. 94 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:16,096 She seems to have settled at 66. 95 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:18,599 - Will they mind? - I hope not. 96 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,476 We like to think we're a community. 97 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:24,104 Well, it's nice to talk to you. 98 00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,652 So, what play has he got on? 99 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,071 We saw it. That domestic thing. 100 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,658 Gone. 101 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:42,665 - That's litter, Mummy. - Those are her things. 102 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:47,628 We thought you might like some pears. They're from our garden in Suffolk. 103 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,505 Pears repeat on me. 104 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:55,803 Were you planning on staying long? 105 00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,348 Not with that din going on. 106 00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:04,228 I know what you're thinking. 107 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,522 Still, it's nice to feel we're doing our bit for the homeless. 108 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,697 I'd like to keep it like this. Simple. 109 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,740 - Monastic. - Quite. 110 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,995 - This is my bedroom. - Nice. 111 00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,998 So, do you like being in the play? 112 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,376 Love it. Love it. 113 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,087 So English. Just what people want. 114 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,966 Bed looks comfortable. 115 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:38,262 Well, maybe you could come around and give me a hand with the decorating. 116 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,515 Sure. My girlfriend's a dab hand at the painting. 117 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,187 Hello, darling. You look a character. 118 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,819 Yes. This is Camden Town. 119 00:10:55,447 --> 00:11:00,534 Yes! I'm here most days. I teach. And the pavement is my blackboard. 120 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,580 Now, I also sell pencils. 121 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,082 A gentleman came by the other day. 122 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,834 He said the pencil he bought from me 123 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:13,213 was the best pencil on the market at the present time. 124 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,591 You're against the common markets, I see. 125 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,053 Me? Who said it was me? 126 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,306 - You're not the writer? - Not necessarily. 127 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,893 But I'll go so far as to say this. 128 00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:28,020 They're anonymous. 129 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:32,066 And they're a shilling! You've only given me sixpence. 130 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:36,236 Well, it says there, "Saint Francis hurled money from him". 131 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,448 Well, yes, but he was a saint. 132 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:40,741 He could afford to. 133 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,869 Sodding beggars! 134 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:49,333 I'm not a beggar! I'm self-employed, and this gentleman is my neighbour. 135 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,228 On the move again? You didn't stay long. 136 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:12,106 No. Because it was non-stop music. 137 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,901 Lucy is doing her O levels. 138 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,945 It's the noise levels I'm worried about. 139 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:23,575 Wave, darling. 140 00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:26,537 Bye, darling. 141 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,747 Don't stay up too late. Bye, darling. 142 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,082 Sorry about all this. 143 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,459 - Glyndebourne. - Così. 144 00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,503 Lucky you. Have fun. 145 00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:37,172 Look out. Madam's on the move. 146 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,680 So, whose turn will it be now? 147 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,559 - Slow down. - I don't want to miss the curtain. 148 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:52,020 - Mrs Vaughan Williams? - No. The Birts. 149 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,105 No! 150 00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,358 Sixty-two. 151 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,402 No. Who? 152 00:12:58,486 --> 00:12:59,862 No! No! 153 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,364 - No, darling, that's us! - Stop the cab! 154 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,410 Sorry! Sorry! 155 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,121 Sorry! 156 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,331 Sorry, you can't park here. 157 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,959 No, I've had guidance. This is where it should go. 158 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:18,213 - Guidance? Who from? - The Virgin Mary. I spoke to her yesterday. 159 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,925 She was outside the post office in Parkway. 160 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,094 What does she know about parking? 161 00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:26,221 Rufus, tell her we're going to Glyndebourne! 162 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,556 I need a ruler. 163 00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:31,351 I must measure the distance between the tyres and the kerb. 164 00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:35,355 See, one and a half inches is the ideal gap. 165 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,984 I came across that in a Catholic motoring magazine 166 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,111 under "Tips on Christian Parking". 167 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:44,198 This isn't Christian parking. It's a fucking liberty. 168 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,365 Rufus. 169 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,494 You try to be nice, and where does it get you? 170 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:49,661 Darling. 171 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,622 Well, you didn't stay long outside 66. 172 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,209 Not with that din. 173 00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:57,044 They're not musical, are they? 174 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:58,712 Who? 175 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:01,131 You know, 61. 176 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:04,468 No. They go to the opera. Are you all right? 177 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,887 What with all this to-do, 178 00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,681 I think I'm about to be taken short. 179 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,726 Can I use your lavatory? 180 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,395 No! The flush is on the blink. 181 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,688 I don't mind. 182 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,858 Where is it? 183 00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,276 Where is it? 184 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,116 Thank you. 185 00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,893 I've got a meeting at the BBC. 186 00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:57,020 What about? 187 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,689 It's just something I'm writing. 188 00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,526 I thought you were coming up. 189 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,319 In a week or two. 190 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,738 I'm on my own. 191 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,156 I know you're on your own. 192 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,700 We're all on our own. 193 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:15,163 Well, can I come down there for a bit? Is it a big house? 194 00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:19,209 Not really. You wouldn't like it. It's too many stairs. 195 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,379 They have these chairlift things now. 196 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:29,928 Are you still there? 197 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:31,847 Yes. 198 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,935 The foot feller came today. 199 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,938 - Who? - The foot feller. 200 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,983 Do you mean the chiropodist? 201 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:46,486 - You've written that down. - I haven't. 202 00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:52,367 Hey, I've given you some script. I'm just raw material. 203 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:54,494 No, you're not. 204 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:55,996 Mam. 205 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,209 Are you all right? 206 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,712 Yeah. It's the van. 207 00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,632 - It gets very close. - I imagine. 208 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,716 You're tall. 209 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:12,054 My husband was tall. I'm Mrs Vaughan Williams. 210 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,098 I won't shake hands. Gardening. 211 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:18,060 What, the composer? Greensleeves? 212 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,227 Among other things. 213 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:23,565 Why? Are you musical? I don't even know your name. 214 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,068 It's Miss Shepherd. 215 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:32,407 But I wouldn't want it bandied about. I'm in an incognito position, possibly. 216 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:34,326 Safe with me. 217 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:38,955 Shepherd. Drove ambulances in the war, apparently. 218 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,082 Well, where did she spring from? 219 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,833 - And a nun once. - A nun? 220 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,418 In the convent up the street. 221 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:48,256 Still, everybody's got something to hide. My brother-in-law's a policeman. 222 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:52,344 That's Camden! People wash up here. Like me. 223 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,305 - She'd be a good subject. - What for? 224 00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,891 You. One of your little plays. 225 00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,061 Remember, I planted the seed! 226 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,897 No. No. 227 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:09,111 I'm writing about Mam half the time as it is. One old lady's enough. 228 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:12,364 I live, you write. That's how it works. 229 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,324 - Yeah, except you don't much. - Don't what? 230 00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:17,869 Live. Put yourself into what you write. 231 00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,372 How? We're both so fucking tame. 232 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:29,172 Miss Shepherd? I'm Lois. The social worker. 233 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:34,010 I don't want a social worker. I'm about to listen to the repeat of Any Answers? 234 00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:37,431 I brought you some clothes. You wrote asking for a coat. 235 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,517 Not during Any Answers? I'm a busy woman. 236 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,562 I only asked for one coat. 237 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,647 I brought three, in case you fancied a change. 238 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,900 Where am I supposed to put three coats? 239 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,986 Green is not my colour. 240 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,779 Have you got a stick? 241 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:57,534 The Council have that in hand. It's been precepted for. 242 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:58,660 Will it be long enough? 243 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,788 Yes. It's one of our special sticks. 244 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,749 I don't want a special stick. 245 00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,169 I want an ordinary stick, only longer. Shut the door. 246 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:11,131 If I want to get in touch with you, whom should I call? 247 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,884 Well, you can try Mr Bennett at 23. 248 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:18,805 Only don't take any notice of what he says. He's a communist, possibly. 249 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,769 Well, have you tried the people opposite? They're nearer. 250 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:28,148 Well, they said they don't relate to her. You were the one she related to. 251 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,359 Is that what they said? "Related to"? 252 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,487 No, that's me. 253 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,030 They said you were her pal. 254 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,702 - She was your girlfriend. - Jesus. 255 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,038 Does she use your lavatory? 256 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,707 Well, only in an emergency. 257 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,460 That might give her squatter's rights. 258 00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,421 We'd be much happier if she moved on. 259 00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:52,923 "We"? 260 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,050 Camden. 261 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,219 All right, I've got everything. 262 00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,263 The sherbet lemons, Cup-a-Soup, the miniature whisky. 263 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,391 That's medicinal. 264 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:11,900 Well, she seemed very understanding, the social worker. 265 00:19:12,235 --> 00:19:14,236 Not understanding enough. 266 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:18,240 I mean, I ask for a wheelchair, and what does she get me? 267 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,491 A walking stick. 268 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:23,411 And she says I don't get an allowance unless I get an address? 269 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,456 Look, "The Van, Gloucester Crescent". Isn't that an address? 270 00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:29,376 No! It needs to be a house. 271 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,421 A residence. 272 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:39,094 Anyway, I might be going away soon, possibly. 273 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,054 How long for? 274 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,473 Broadstairs, possibly. 275 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,601 Why Broadstairs? Have you family there? 276 00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,520 No. No. 277 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:50,689 Have you got any family? 278 00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:53,191 I just need the air. 279 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,863 I saw a snake this morning. It was coming up Parkway. 280 00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,448 A long grey snake. 281 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,034 - It was a boa constrictor, possibly. - No. 282 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,036 It looked poisonous. 283 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,913 It was keeping close to the wall, 284 00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:10,333 and I have a feeling it was headed for the van. 285 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,418 No, Miss Shepherd... 286 00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:15,046 I thought I'd better warn you, just to be on the safe side. 287 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,716 I've had some close shaves with snakes. 288 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,595 Listen to me, Miss Shepherd, there are no boa constrictors in Camden Town. 289 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:26,600 What, are you calling me a liar? I know a boa constrictor when I see one. 290 00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:29,436 You all right, my love? Looking especially lovely today, sweetheart. 291 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,398 Don't "sweetheart" me. 292 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,818 I'm a sick woman! Dying, possibly. 293 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,989 Well, chin up, love, we all gotta go sometime. 294 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:44,326 Smells like you already have. 295 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:50,206 I do not believe in the snake, still less that it was en route for the van. 296 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:50,916 I do not believe in the snake, still less that it was en route for the van. 297 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:56,004 Only next day, I find there has been a break-in at the local pet shop. 298 00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,006 So, there may have been a snake on the run. 299 00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,341 Good God. 300 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,760 So, of course, I feel guilty. 301 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,679 Giles! Giles! Giles! 302 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:09,684 A real writer would have asked her about her close shaves with snakes, 303 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,937 only she seems to have cleared off. 304 00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,396 Quick as you can, love. 305 00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:17,442 I'm getting off. Don't rush me! Don't rush me. 306 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,210 Nightie? 307 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:39,130 This is not a nightdress. 308 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:43,635 This style can't have got to Broadstairs yet. 309 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:47,722 And I know the law. You can't be arrested for wearing a nightie. 310 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,099 What're you doing in Broadstairs? 311 00:21:49,392 --> 00:21:52,227 I am minding my own business! 312 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,014 Alan! Come out here! 313 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,682 What for? 314 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:34,019 There's some massive birds on the wall. 315 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:38,690 There never are. There's nothing on the wall. You're imagining things. 316 00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:40,567 There are. 317 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:46,197 And there were, lined up on the garden wall, four peacocks from the Hall. 318 00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:50,201 So, boa constrictors in the street, peacocks on the wall. 319 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:54,205 It seems that both at the northern and southern gates of my life 320 00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,458 stands a deluded woman. 321 00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:59,169 - Except you just said they aren't. - Aren't what? 322 00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,463 - Deluded. - Well, not in this particular instance. 323 00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:03,840 And they're not the same, Alan. Mam and Miss Shepherd. 324 00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:07,552 No, Alan, they are not. But they are both old ladies. 325 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,554 That appears to be my niche apparently. 326 00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:12,390 Whereas my contemporaries lovingly chronicle 327 00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:15,435 their first tentative investigations of the opposite sex, 328 00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:18,813 or their adventures in the world of journalism, 329 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,899 I'm stuck with old ladies. 330 00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:24,486 All right. I'm keeping a sodding notebook. 331 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,820 But only on the off chance. 332 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,031 She's not a project. She's not in the pipeline. 333 00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:30,992 I don't want to write about her. She's... 334 00:23:31,494 --> 00:23:33,411 She's just something that's happening. 335 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:35,747 So, what do you want to write about? 336 00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,333 I want to write about spies. 337 00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:39,667 Spies? 338 00:23:40,002 --> 00:23:42,504 Yeah, you see? You think that's barmy. Spies, Russia. 339 00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:45,173 I can't always be writing about the North. 340 00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:48,510 "I was born and brought up in Leeds, where my father was a butcher. 341 00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:51,346 "And as a boy, I would often go out on the bike with the orders." 342 00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:55,934 It's not Proust. It's not even J.B. Priestley. 343 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:06,611 The houses in the Crescent were built as villas for the Victorian middle class. 344 00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:11,199 And their basements are now being enlarged by couples who are liberal in outlook, 345 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:14,285 but not easy with their newfound prosperity. 346 00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:16,871 Guilt, in a word. 347 00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:23,461 Which means that in varying degrees, they tolerate Miss Shepherd. 348 00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:27,298 Their consciences absolved by her presence. 349 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,312 Merry Christmas! 350 00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:47,402 Shut the door! 351 00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:50,989 Shut the door. I'm a busy woman. I'm a busy woman. 352 00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,665 Crème brûlée. 353 00:25:08,757 --> 00:25:10,675 What was your first play about? 354 00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:15,847 Public school. Which, more accurately, is what you Americans call private school. 355 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,683 But you didn't go to public school. 356 00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:21,519 No. But I read about it. 357 00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:27,233 And what was your next play about? 358 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,695 Sex. I read about that, too. 359 00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:37,452 Very good. 360 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:42,165 Stop it! Stop it! Just... 361 00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,083 Get away from us! It's her! 362 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,419 Do you have a problem? 363 00:25:46,629 --> 00:25:49,547 - They were making the noise! - They're children! 364 00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:51,633 I am a sick woman! 365 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:52,800 You certainly are! 366 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,135 Get off the road! 367 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:56,387 Go ahead! Road hog. 368 00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:05,230 Mr Bennett. I've worked out a way of getting on the wireless. 369 00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:06,481 What? 370 00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:09,275 I want to do one of those phone-in programmes. 371 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:13,154 Something someone like you could get put on in a jiffy. 372 00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:17,158 You see, I could be called 373 00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:22,247 the "Lady Behind the Curtain", or "A Woman of Britain", you see. 374 00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:25,583 You could take a nom de plume view of it. 375 00:26:25,668 --> 00:26:29,921 And I see the curtain as being here. 376 00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:33,800 You see, some greeny material would do. 377 00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:36,052 I thought this was a phone-in. 378 00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:37,679 Yeah, well? 379 00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:41,933 Well, it's the radio. There's no need for a curtain at all. 380 00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:45,270 Yes, we can iron out these hiccups when the time comes, you see. 381 00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:50,108 And when I come in, I can catch up with some civilisation. 382 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:51,943 "Civilisation"? What, you mean the television? 383 00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:54,070 Yeah, you know, wild life. Famines, you know. 384 00:26:54,863 --> 00:26:57,573 Sheepdog trials, possibly. I mean, I do watch. 385 00:26:57,658 --> 00:27:01,703 I watch in Currys' window, but it's not ideal. 386 00:27:07,584 --> 00:27:08,584 Yes. 387 00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:19,220 What guerre? 388 00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:34,319 I was studying incognito à Paris. 389 00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:36,988 But what were you studying? 390 00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:41,659 Music. 391 00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:44,954 The pianoforte, possibly. 392 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,834 Have you got an old pan scrub? I'm thinking of painting the van. 393 00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:54,756 You know, one of those little mop things they use to wash dishes with would do. 394 00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:57,383 - Well, how about a brush? - I've got a brush. 395 00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,011 It's just for the first coat. 396 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,097 Okay, she's been a nun. 397 00:28:03,182 --> 00:28:04,515 Only now it turns out 398 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:09,228 she's been a musician besides and seemingly with fluent French. 399 00:28:09,438 --> 00:28:11,272 She's certainly no painter, 400 00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:13,941 because today, rain notwithstanding, 401 00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:18,988 she moves slowly around her mobile home, thoughtfully touching up the rust patches 402 00:28:19,073 --> 00:28:22,408 with crushed mimosa, always a favourite shade. 403 00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:24,077 Morning. 404 00:28:25,788 --> 00:28:28,873 She's using the wrong paint. Cars have special paint. 405 00:28:29,041 --> 00:28:32,043 Not this one. It's Catholic paint. 406 00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:35,463 - And she smells. - That's because she's poor. 407 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:39,384 You'd smell if we were poor. Morning, Ursula. 408 00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:42,053 - Hello, love. - Hello, darling. 409 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,390 Telling me about paint. 410 00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:49,394 I was in infant school. I won a prize for painting! 411 00:28:49,603 --> 00:28:51,437 - But it's all lumps. You have to mix it. - I have. 412 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:55,733 I have mixed it. Only I got some Madeira cake in it. 413 00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:57,819 Cake or no cake, 414 00:28:57,903 --> 00:29:01,197 all Miss Shepherd's vehicles ended up looking as if they'd been given a coat 415 00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:04,075 of badly made custard, or plastered with scrambled eggs. 416 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:06,077 Divine! 417 00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:11,082 Still, there were few occasions on which one saw her genuinely happy, 418 00:29:11,166 --> 00:29:13,501 and one of these was when she was putting paint on. 419 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:17,004 Jackson Pollock himself could not have done it better. 420 00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,341 Even with a pan scrub. 421 00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:30,184 What're you doing? Get off my van! 422 00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:33,104 - Yellow lines. - Sorry? 423 00:29:33,439 --> 00:29:35,273 Parking restrictions. 424 00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,943 - What a bore. - She'll be illegally parked. 425 00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:40,695 She'll have to move. 426 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:47,785 Look. Look. 427 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,372 - It's a removal order. - I know it's a removal order. 428 00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:53,374 Well, it means you'll have to drive on somewhere else. 429 00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:55,209 But I'm disabled! 430 00:29:55,294 --> 00:29:59,088 I don't always use a walking stick. That pulls the wool over people's eyes. 431 00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:02,216 But I am a bona fide resident of Camden! 432 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:06,304 And I had rheumatic fever as a child, and mumps. 433 00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:09,140 I still think you'll have to move on. Go somewhere else. 434 00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:11,767 It won't move. There's not enough juice. 435 00:30:11,894 --> 00:30:14,812 - Well, I'll get you some up the road. - I don't like their petrol! 436 00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:18,816 I don't know. It could be, it could go. It just might need a bit of coaxing. 437 00:30:19,902 --> 00:30:20,902 What I'm... 438 00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:26,032 What I'm worried about particularly are the wheels. 439 00:30:26,909 --> 00:30:29,243 They're under divine protection. 440 00:30:29,495 --> 00:30:32,788 If I do get this other vehicle, I'd like the wheels transferred. 441 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,542 - What other vehicle? - They may be miraculous, the tyres. 442 00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,921 They've only had to be pumped up once since 1964. 443 00:30:40,422 --> 00:30:43,341 - What other vehicle? - They only cost me a fiver. 444 00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:45,801 Miss Shepherd, you said about another vehicle? 445 00:30:46,178 --> 00:30:47,512 Yeah, a van. 446 00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:49,347 Another van? 447 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:53,851 Well, a newer model. 448 00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:59,690 A titled Catholic lady says she may get me one, as an act of charity. 449 00:31:00,943 --> 00:31:02,276 It's Lady Wiggin. 450 00:31:03,028 --> 00:31:05,446 Only she'd prefer to remain anonymous. 451 00:31:05,614 --> 00:31:09,450 I'll bet she would. So, why don't you park it outside her house? 452 00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:12,370 - It's out of the question. - There's plenty of room. 453 00:31:12,621 --> 00:31:14,956 - I have neighbours! - So have I. 454 00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:18,543 So, should I not buy her another van? 455 00:31:19,378 --> 00:31:21,420 - Please your fucking self. - What? 456 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,882 Mr Bennett, I've worked it out. 457 00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:27,718 Mr Bennett. 458 00:31:29,638 --> 00:31:34,642 The ideal solution would be off-street parking. 459 00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:39,397 You know, a driveway, possibly. 460 00:31:40,941 --> 00:31:42,275 So, what are you going to do? 461 00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,448 Play it by ear. 462 00:32:07,843 --> 00:32:09,010 Lady? 463 00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:12,096 Are you there? 464 00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:16,434 Is this a bad moment? 465 00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,937 Have you got something for me? 466 00:32:22,024 --> 00:32:24,108 You bad bitch! 467 00:32:24,318 --> 00:32:25,985 You dirty, lying bitch! 468 00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:29,780 Can I help you? 469 00:32:31,617 --> 00:32:33,784 Good evening to you, sir! 470 00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,287 I'm finding myself in the vicinity. 471 00:32:36,371 --> 00:32:39,665 I'm taking the opportunity to pay my compliments to Margaret. 472 00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:43,461 - Margaret? - An old friend from way back. 473 00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:44,837 You mean Miss Shepherd? 474 00:32:45,130 --> 00:32:47,131 Shepherd, is it? Very good. 475 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:50,760 - Well, she'll be asleep. - Of course. 476 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:56,057 I'll bid you a good night, sir. I'll call again when my schedule permits. 477 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,164 Thank you. 478 00:33:38,684 --> 00:33:40,851 Are you in there? Rise and shine! 479 00:33:41,103 --> 00:33:44,188 - Get out, you old witch! - What a smelly bitch! 480 00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:47,858 Come on, darling! Come on! 481 00:33:54,783 --> 00:33:56,492 Excuse me. Excuse me, lads. 482 00:33:56,618 --> 00:33:59,787 - Who the fuck are you? - Never mind who I am. I've got your number! 483 00:34:00,122 --> 00:34:02,790 Just clear off! I live here, and I've got your number! 484 00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:05,710 An old lady lives in there. Just shove off! 485 00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:08,629 Miss Shepherd? 486 00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:13,801 Miss Shepherd? 487 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,889 Miss Shepherd, are you all right? 488 00:34:20,392 --> 00:34:23,394 Yes, yes. I think so. 489 00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:28,065 What was it about? It wasn't the police, was it? 490 00:34:28,150 --> 00:34:33,362 No. They were louts, but if you choose to live like this, it's what you must expect. 491 00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:40,244 I didn't choose. I was chosen. 492 00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:44,999 Well, that settles it. 493 00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:46,917 You think? 494 00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:50,171 I can't always be looking out for her. I'm not her keeper. 495 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,673 I mean, what happens to work? 496 00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:57,595 - I think she should either go or... - Or what? 497 00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:05,019 Or bring the van into the drive, where we can forget about her. 498 00:35:06,188 --> 00:35:08,397 Actually, that's why some men marry. 499 00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,317 So they don't have to think any more about their wives. 500 00:35:11,526 --> 00:35:13,986 - That's not bad. - Yes, except it's Proust. 501 00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:15,070 Yes. 502 00:35:15,572 --> 00:35:18,532 And it'll only be for a few months, until she decides where she's going. 503 00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:23,496 It'll be easier, but it's not kindness. 504 00:35:23,747 --> 00:35:25,122 No. 505 00:35:25,207 --> 00:35:28,584 "Good nature, or what is often considered as such, 506 00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:31,253 "is the most selfish of all virtues. 507 00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:35,466 "It is nine times out of 10 mere indolence of disposition." 508 00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:37,384 That's not you. 509 00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:40,471 Hazlitt. And it's will. Pure will. 510 00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,390 She's known what she's wanted all along. 511 00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:17,800 The soul in question did confess though in guarded terms 512 00:36:17,884 --> 00:36:20,344 in Rome in Holy Year, 513 00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:23,931 though I'm not sure the priest understood English. 514 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,269 Do I look like a joy rider? 515 00:36:30,939 --> 00:36:32,857 My child, 516 00:36:32,941 --> 00:36:37,444 you have already been given absolution for this particular sin. 517 00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:42,867 I have given you it myself on several occasions. 518 00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:47,788 Have faith. Absolution is not like a bus pass. 519 00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:50,040 It does not run out. 520 00:37:03,471 --> 00:37:04,513 Christ. 521 00:37:04,598 --> 00:37:08,434 There's air freshener behind the Virgin. 522 00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:18,027 I thought we'd finally got rid of her. 523 00:37:18,820 --> 00:37:20,654 He's a saint. 524 00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:23,908 Ralph was the same. Some people are just kind. 525 00:37:24,326 --> 00:37:28,412 - Kind? - This is London, Ursula. Nobody's kind. 526 00:37:28,496 --> 00:37:29,955 Yeah, that's true. 527 00:37:30,081 --> 00:37:34,752 And now the old cow has got a foot in the door. He's a fool. 528 00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:37,463 - Who else would do it? - Yes. 529 00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:40,841 We might. It's just the girls. 530 00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,593 Pauline. 531 00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:47,014 I'm just an unemployed actor, and I don't know the lady, but can I ask something? 532 00:37:47,307 --> 00:37:49,308 - What makes her Alan's problem? - Quite. 533 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:52,853 Darling, she's a human being. 534 00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:55,481 Only just. 535 00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:57,483 Changing the subject. 536 00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,152 When are we going to find Alan a girl? 537 00:38:04,157 --> 00:38:05,616 Josephine's pregnant again. 538 00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:09,119 No! Actually, I'm just trying to think who Josephine is. 539 00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:11,205 - The hamster. - Jesus. 540 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:12,623 Here we are. 541 00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:16,543 We were just saying how grateful she'll be. 542 00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:17,628 Yes. 543 00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:22,883 Put the van in your drive? 544 00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,220 That never occurred to me. 545 00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:30,140 I don't know. I don't know. It might not be convenient. 546 00:38:30,225 --> 00:38:32,977 No, I've thought it over. Believe me, Miss Shepherd, it's all right. 547 00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:35,104 Just till you sort yourself out. 548 00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:39,066 Well, not convenient for you! Convenient for me. 549 00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:43,112 You're not doing me a favour, you know. I have got other fish to fry. 550 00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:45,823 A man on the pavement told me 551 00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:50,577 if I went south of the river, I'd be welcomed with open arms. 552 00:38:55,417 --> 00:38:58,919 I was about to do her a good turn, but, as ever, 553 00:38:59,379 --> 00:39:02,423 it was not without thoughts of strangulation. 554 00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:07,261 She would come into the garden, yes, 555 00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,763 but only as a favour to me. 556 00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:31,869 That's it. 557 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:55,559 Have you put on the handbrake? 558 00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:57,936 I am about to do so. 559 00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:03,150 Whereupon she applies the handbrake with such determination 560 00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:07,154 that, like Excalibur, it can never afterwards be released. 561 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:08,447 Are you all right? 562 00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,034 Now she is on the premises, 563 00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:15,662 I sometimes get a glimpse of Miss Shepherd praying, 564 00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:19,083 and it is seldom a tranquil or a meditative process. 565 00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:21,627 I hunger and thirst for fulfilment... 566 00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,838 The fervour of her intercessions rocking her to and fro. 567 00:40:25,340 --> 00:40:26,673 ...in possible light received. 568 00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:30,052 What is it she's wanting forgiveness for? 569 00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:36,683 I used to pray myself when I was young, but never like this. 570 00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:42,356 I'd never done anything, but what has she done? 571 00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:45,359 Who's the old bat? 572 00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,444 She's a friend. 573 00:40:49,030 --> 00:40:50,280 A friend? 574 00:40:50,365 --> 00:40:52,699 Well, someone I know. 575 00:40:54,202 --> 00:40:55,369 Weird. 576 00:40:55,703 --> 00:40:57,162 Yeah, maybe. 577 00:40:58,832 --> 00:41:00,124 Actually, I think I better be off. 578 00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:03,043 You don't want to stay for coffee or anything? 579 00:41:03,545 --> 00:41:04,586 No. 580 00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:10,384 Bye. 581 00:41:22,272 --> 00:41:23,272 Mr Bennett? 582 00:41:25,275 --> 00:41:26,275 That young man, 583 00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:28,569 did he have an earring? 584 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,070 He did. 585 00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:33,740 You want to be careful. 586 00:41:37,078 --> 00:41:38,912 She'll be wanting to move in next. 587 00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,250 Said my mother, who's been in London on a state visit. 588 00:41:43,543 --> 00:41:46,962 - Why didn't you tell me she was in the drive? - I forgot. 589 00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:50,174 I got a whiff of her when I first came. 590 00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:54,052 Right nasty bad dishcloth smell. 591 00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:56,847 Well, she's in the garden. 592 00:41:57,098 --> 00:41:58,932 Next, it'll be the house. 593 00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:01,143 What will folks think? 594 00:42:01,269 --> 00:42:03,937 This is London. Nobody thinks anything. 595 00:42:04,439 --> 00:42:08,442 It's with her being a nun, not having got off. 596 00:42:08,735 --> 00:42:10,068 They get thwarted. 597 00:42:14,490 --> 00:42:18,493 An educated woman, and living like that. 598 00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:21,538 Mind you, you're going down the same road. 599 00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:22,623 Me? 600 00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:27,502 No cloth on the table. No holder for the toilet roll. 601 00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:31,548 Given time, I could have this place spotless. 602 00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,008 You've got a home. 603 00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:37,804 You won't want to live here. 604 00:42:42,477 --> 00:42:44,311 Where does she go to the lav? 605 00:42:44,604 --> 00:42:46,939 It has something to do with plastic bags. 606 00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:49,483 What sort of plastic bags? 607 00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,652 Stout ones, I hope. 608 00:42:52,153 --> 00:42:54,821 - You've not met her. Do you want to? - No. 609 00:42:55,323 --> 00:43:00,786 No. With her being educated I wouldn't know what to say. 610 00:43:09,337 --> 00:43:11,171 Give us a kiss! 611 00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:14,841 - When will you be coming up next? - Soon. 612 00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:16,843 The thing is 613 00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:21,682 I keep seeing a car in the car park. 614 00:43:21,975 --> 00:43:23,433 That's slightly to be expected, isn't it? 615 00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:26,019 At night. Watching. 616 00:43:26,688 --> 00:43:28,522 You taking your tablets? 617 00:43:29,691 --> 00:43:31,358 When I remember. 618 00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:37,698 She should be in a home. 619 00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:40,701 - Where does she go to the lav? - I told you. 620 00:43:40,994 --> 00:43:42,494 Looked after. 621 00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:46,331 A place where they'd wash her and make her presentable. 622 00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:48,959 I'm surprised they let her roam the streets. 623 00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:53,755 It's like a fairy story, a parable... 624 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:55,132 Good morning. 625 00:43:55,216 --> 00:43:58,885 ...in which the guilty is gulled into devising a sentence for someone innocent... 626 00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,053 Hello. 627 00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:02,556 ...only to find it is their own doom they have pronounced... 628 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,099 King's Cross, please. 629 00:44:04,183 --> 00:44:06,643 ...because my mother is much closer to being put in a home... 630 00:44:06,728 --> 00:44:08,603 - Got your purse? - Yes. 631 00:44:08,688 --> 00:44:10,397 ...than Miss Shepherd. 632 00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:13,734 I do miss your dad. 633 00:44:14,235 --> 00:44:15,569 Give me a kiss. 634 00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:23,660 I asked our Gordon, when he was a pilot, did he go behind the clouds? 635 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:26,204 - Did he? - I can't remember. 636 00:44:28,416 --> 00:44:31,376 He's a love, though. I know that. 637 00:44:32,462 --> 00:44:35,213 - Bye, Mam. - Bye. 638 00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:21,968 Good afternoon. Does Jesus Christ dwell in this house? 639 00:45:22,136 --> 00:45:24,471 No. Try the van. 640 00:45:57,839 --> 00:45:59,005 Thanks. 641 00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,178 Clear off! 642 00:46:11,185 --> 00:46:12,519 Mr Bennett? 643 00:46:14,355 --> 00:46:17,023 These men who come late at night, 644 00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:19,359 I know what they are. 645 00:46:19,986 --> 00:46:21,027 Jesus. 646 00:46:21,154 --> 00:46:25,157 They're communists. Else why would they come at night? 647 00:46:26,868 --> 00:46:30,120 We constantly come back to the same point. 648 00:46:30,538 --> 00:46:33,206 Argentina was the invader. The Argentine... 649 00:46:33,416 --> 00:46:35,584 I like the new vehicle. 650 00:46:38,463 --> 00:46:40,464 Not a mark on it. 651 00:46:44,594 --> 00:46:46,136 Not a bloody scratch! 652 00:46:51,184 --> 00:46:53,059 What's your name now, Margaret? 653 00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:55,312 My name's Mary! Go away! 654 00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:58,231 Mary, is it now? Mary what? 655 00:46:59,901 --> 00:47:01,234 Mary what? 656 00:47:03,237 --> 00:47:05,530 - I'll call the police! - Call the police? 657 00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:09,910 I don't think you will, you two-faced pisshole. 658 00:47:10,244 --> 00:47:12,746 'Cause calling the police is just what you didn't do. 659 00:47:12,914 --> 00:47:15,916 Apropos of which, I think another contribution is due. 660 00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:18,752 Can I help you? What's all this din? 661 00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:21,213 No din, sir. 662 00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:25,050 Margaret and I were just taking a stroll down memory lane. 663 00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:29,387 No. Don't "Margaret" me. That name is buried to sin. 664 00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:30,889 You came before. 665 00:47:32,266 --> 00:47:34,768 Of course, this isn't the van, is it? 666 00:47:34,936 --> 00:47:36,269 She had another one. 667 00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:38,188 Kind of you. 668 00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:40,524 A homeless woman. 669 00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,818 A thankless soul. 670 00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:46,404 And not over-salubrious. 671 00:47:46,656 --> 00:47:47,656 Good-bye, Margaret. 672 00:47:52,119 --> 00:47:53,870 I thought you said your name was Mary. 673 00:47:54,247 --> 00:47:56,456 - It is. - So, why does he call you Margaret? 674 00:47:57,458 --> 00:48:01,294 He's taken too much to drink on an empty stomach, possibly. 675 00:48:01,963 --> 00:48:04,464 It is your name? Mary Shepherd. 676 00:48:05,967 --> 00:48:09,928 Subject to the Roman Catholic Church in her rights and to amendment. 677 00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,727 It's obviously not her name. 678 00:48:17,979 --> 00:48:21,481 But although years have passed since she drove her van into the garden, 679 00:48:22,149 --> 00:48:24,818 I'm still too polite to ask who she is, 680 00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:29,406 let alone what this fellow wants who materializes at regular intervals 681 00:48:29,490 --> 00:48:32,242 and comes braying on the side of the van. 682 00:48:33,494 --> 00:48:35,996 Music has something to do with it. 683 00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:40,333 But is it just the noise, or music itself? 684 00:48:52,805 --> 00:48:54,389 I can hear the music. 685 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,017 I can hear it! 686 00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:02,689 Why must you play that? 687 00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,566 I can hear it! 688 00:49:05,484 --> 00:49:08,612 How can you dislike music? You used to play the piano. 689 00:49:08,779 --> 00:49:10,071 How do you know that? 690 00:49:10,531 --> 00:49:12,115 You told me. 691 00:49:12,241 --> 00:49:16,202 I didn't say I didn't like it. I don't want to hear it, that's all! 692 00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:23,293 Should she speak now? 693 00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,378 Should she explain? 694 00:49:26,255 --> 00:49:30,008 Well, she never lets on. Never explains. 695 00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:32,594 Well, maybe she should. 696 00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,443 Well, I... 697 00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:54,574 I was once left alone in a room in the convent. 698 00:49:56,285 --> 00:49:59,287 They didn't leave novices alone normally. 699 00:50:00,956 --> 00:50:03,291 And there was a piano there. 700 00:50:05,461 --> 00:50:08,129 I tried it, and it was open. 701 00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:14,302 It needed tuning. 702 00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:18,139 Some of the notes were dead. 703 00:50:21,143 --> 00:50:25,814 But it sounded more beautiful to me than any of the pianos I'd ever played. 704 00:50:45,167 --> 00:50:46,501 And then 705 00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:51,047 suddenly, the mistress of the novices came in. 706 00:50:52,425 --> 00:50:56,052 Crept in, possibly, 'cause I didn't hear her. She said... 707 00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:57,804 It's God's will. 708 00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:01,683 That was what God wanted. And that I'd been told before. 709 00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:03,518 And don't argue. 710 00:51:03,602 --> 00:51:04,644 I said, 711 00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:10,442 couldn't I just play some hymns for us to sing to? 712 00:51:10,526 --> 00:51:13,737 And she said that was arguing. 713 00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:18,658 And I'd never make a nun if I argued. 714 00:51:27,710 --> 00:51:30,044 So, with painful symmetry, 715 00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:33,214 my mother ends up in a home in Weston-super-Mare 716 00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:38,553 while her derelict counterpart resides in my garden. 717 00:51:39,555 --> 00:51:43,892 Putting my mother in a home, I see as some sort of failure. 718 00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:49,481 And giving the other a home, that's a failure, too. 719 00:51:56,030 --> 00:51:57,363 Jesus. 720 00:51:58,240 --> 00:52:00,909 She's got herself a three-wheeler. 721 00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:05,747 Where will you park it? 722 00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:07,248 In the residents' parking. 723 00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:10,502 - You haven't got a permit. - Yeah, I have. Yes, I got one yesterday. 724 00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:11,920 Well, you never told me. 725 00:52:12,004 --> 00:52:13,922 Well, you'd only have raised objections if I had. 726 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:15,215 Have you insured it? 727 00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:18,384 I don't need insuring. It's like the van, I'm insured in heaven. 728 00:52:18,469 --> 00:52:21,221 So, who pays if you have an accident, the Pope? 729 00:52:21,305 --> 00:52:22,806 I shan't have an accident. 730 00:52:23,057 --> 00:52:24,307 Well, what if you run into something? 731 00:52:24,391 --> 00:52:26,726 I shan't run into anything. I'm an experienced driver. 732 00:52:26,811 --> 00:52:28,645 I drove ambulances in the blackout. 733 00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:30,814 Well, what if someone runs into you? 734 00:52:31,315 --> 00:52:33,983 Miss Shepherd, what if someone runs into you? 735 00:52:34,235 --> 00:52:36,194 You have no business saying that. 736 00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:38,571 Why do you say that? No one is going to run into me! 737 00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,407 Where's the key? 738 00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:42,826 - What key? - The car key. I put it down. 739 00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:43,993 Well, I haven't got it. 740 00:52:44,078 --> 00:52:45,328 - You had to have taken it. - I have not. 741 00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:47,914 You're lying! You don't want me to have the car, so you've taken the key. 742 00:52:48,082 --> 00:52:50,750 - Don't shout! - I have to shout because of your ignorance. 743 00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,086 People coming and going all hours of the day and night. 744 00:52:53,254 --> 00:52:55,713 I'd be better off in a ditch! Give me the key! 745 00:52:55,923 --> 00:52:57,590 I haven't got your sodding key! 746 00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:58,883 What's that around your neck? 747 00:52:59,093 --> 00:53:01,386 This is the key. The sodding key! 748 00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,054 Having fun? 749 00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:07,684 Shouldn't you say sorry? 750 00:53:08,686 --> 00:53:10,353 I've no time for sorry. 751 00:53:10,855 --> 00:53:12,522 Sorry is for God. 752 00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:16,818 This was the only time I ever touched her, 753 00:53:17,278 --> 00:53:22,240 and not because she was calling me a liar, but because she seemed mad. 754 00:53:22,908 --> 00:53:24,576 It was my mother. 755 00:53:29,456 --> 00:53:32,667 It's always Mam you compare her with. They are not the same. 756 00:53:33,294 --> 00:53:36,129 I don't like them even sharing the same sentence. 757 00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,967 These days, it's almost as if we're married. 758 00:53:41,552 --> 00:53:43,720 "How's your old lady?" They say. 759 00:53:44,138 --> 00:53:47,390 Which is what people call a wife. Your old lady. 760 00:53:48,183 --> 00:53:49,934 How's your old lady? 761 00:53:50,269 --> 00:53:52,854 Well, she's still there. I'm still here. 762 00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:55,690 Your mother died, didn't she? 763 00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:57,692 No, she's still here, too. 764 00:53:58,277 --> 00:53:59,944 She's in a home. 765 00:54:00,613 --> 00:54:04,449 Except she's not all there. She's not anywhere. 766 00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:07,118 Shouldn't we make that plain in the play? 767 00:54:07,328 --> 00:54:11,205 No. It's classified information. 768 00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:14,500 Years ago, Mam wanted Miss Shepherd put in a home. 769 00:54:15,628 --> 00:54:17,295 But she's still on the loose. 770 00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:20,298 Of course, whether she's all there or not is anyone's guess. 771 00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:21,883 Mr Bennett! 772 00:54:22,968 --> 00:54:28,306 You know, I don't like the three-wheeler standing in the street. 773 00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:32,477 You see, if you pushed the van in front of your window, 774 00:54:32,645 --> 00:54:35,104 I could get the Reliant in there on the drive. 775 00:54:35,189 --> 00:54:36,272 There's tons of room. 776 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:39,025 So, I have the van and the Reliant. 777 00:54:39,652 --> 00:54:42,820 Yeah, I've had guidance that's where it should be. 778 00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:45,907 You know, in terms of vandals. 779 00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:47,825 Guidance from whom? 780 00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,662 I'm not at liberty to speak. 781 00:54:51,163 --> 00:54:53,957 I think I may contact my new social worker. 782 00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:56,376 What for? You always say you don't want the social worker. 783 00:54:56,502 --> 00:54:58,836 I've had guidance she might help. 784 00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,506 I don't want a used car lot. 785 00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:03,216 - Mary says. - Mary who? 786 00:55:05,052 --> 00:55:06,344 Mary. 787 00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:07,887 Your Lady in the Van. 788 00:55:09,056 --> 00:55:11,265 Didn't you know her name was Mary? 789 00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:14,060 Well, I suppose I did. I always call her Miss Shepherd. 790 00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:16,020 We all have names. 791 00:55:16,522 --> 00:55:19,023 Perhaps if you called her by her name and she called you by yours, 792 00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:21,067 "Alan", "Mary", 793 00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,986 you never know, it might be easier to talk things through. 794 00:55:23,070 --> 00:55:25,530 Through? There is no through. 795 00:55:25,614 --> 00:55:27,156 How do you talk things through with someone 796 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,534 who has conversations with the Virgin Mary? 797 00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:32,412 You talk things through with Isaiah Berlin, maybe, 798 00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:35,248 who, in comparison with Miss Shepherd, is a man of few words. 799 00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:38,334 You do not talk things through with her because you don't get through. 800 00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:42,171 Alan, I'm getting a bit of hostility here. 801 00:55:42,423 --> 00:55:45,008 I realise for you this may be a steep learning curve. 802 00:55:45,259 --> 00:55:47,927 No. It is not a steep learning curve. 803 00:55:48,012 --> 00:55:50,388 I've never been on a so-called learning curve. 804 00:55:51,265 --> 00:55:54,017 I'm about as likely to be found on a learning curve 805 00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:57,020 as I am on the ski slopes at Zermatt. 806 00:55:57,521 --> 00:56:01,524 And besides, her name isn't Mary. 807 00:56:04,069 --> 00:56:05,695 Some people seem to think it's Margaret. 808 00:56:06,530 --> 00:56:08,531 You know, it isn't even Shepherd. 809 00:56:09,825 --> 00:56:12,702 Well, I have her down as Mary. 810 00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:16,789 Yes, and you presumably have her down as a rational human being. 811 00:56:58,165 --> 00:56:59,499 Hello! 812 00:56:59,750 --> 00:57:01,167 Mummy! 813 00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:10,880 Back in half an hour. 814 00:59:25,479 --> 00:59:26,520 Hello, Margaret. 815 00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:44,080 Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. 816 00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:47,917 Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. 817 00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:54,924 What are you doing there? Come on! 818 00:59:55,676 --> 00:59:58,010 What's happened to Stirling Moss? 819 00:59:58,345 --> 00:59:59,679 Haven't seen her at the wheel recently. 820 00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,432 Taking a well-earned break, I imagine. The Dordogne, possibly. 821 01:00:03,934 --> 01:00:05,935 - Really? - Pauline. 822 01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:08,771 Her car's back. 823 01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:13,276 But I haven't seen her around for a bit. I wonder if she's all right. 824 01:00:13,527 --> 01:00:14,527 Am I right in thinking 825 01:00:14,611 --> 01:00:18,823 that large, many-contoured stain at the back of her frock denotes incontinence? 826 01:00:19,241 --> 01:00:20,700 I don't think it's a fashion statement. 827 01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,203 Darling. 828 01:00:25,247 --> 01:00:29,458 What you must be hoping is that one of these days she'll just slip away. 829 01:00:29,543 --> 01:00:30,668 Don't you believe it. 830 01:00:30,794 --> 01:00:35,131 That's what happens in plays. In life, going downhill is an uphill job. 831 01:00:36,925 --> 01:00:38,551 How's your mother? 832 01:00:38,635 --> 01:00:42,305 Same. Sits. Smiles. Sleeps. 833 01:00:47,894 --> 01:00:49,270 Are you all right? 834 01:00:50,772 --> 01:00:53,733 Me? Yes, why? I'm just going to the theatre. 835 01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,819 - Not upset about your play? - No. 836 01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,655 I read a good review the other day. 837 01:00:59,740 --> 01:01:02,158 - I was told they were all good. - They are, I'm sure. 838 01:01:02,409 --> 01:01:03,784 We enjoyed it. 839 01:01:03,869 --> 01:01:06,996 Though I hadn't realised it was just going to be you and nobody else. 840 01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:09,081 Well, yes. It's a monologue. 841 01:01:09,166 --> 01:01:11,000 Yes, I suppose. 842 01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:13,502 I'm just amazed how you remember it all. 843 01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:17,173 The review I read was particularly perceptive about you. 844 01:01:17,257 --> 01:01:19,175 Really? Saying what? 845 01:01:19,259 --> 01:01:20,926 That you couldn't make your mind up. 846 01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:23,512 - About what? - Anything, really. 847 01:01:24,264 --> 01:01:26,432 It meant in a good way! 848 01:01:26,808 --> 01:01:28,142 Thanks. 849 01:01:30,395 --> 01:01:34,357 Actually, I couldn't make it out at all. What was it about? 850 01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:37,193 Him, as usual. Not coming clean. 851 01:01:37,277 --> 01:01:40,071 - What about? - What do you think? 852 01:01:43,283 --> 01:01:47,578 And when I came down again, she's still sat there, hat and coat on. 853 01:01:48,205 --> 01:01:53,376 She said, "Graham, my one aim in life is for you to be happy." 854 01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:55,086 And execute 45. 855 01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:57,713 "If I thought that by dying it would make you happy, I would." 856 01:01:57,798 --> 01:01:58,756 Go. 857 01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,257 I said, "Mam, 858 01:02:00,342 --> 01:02:03,719 "your dying wouldn't make me happy. In fact, the reverse. 859 01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:07,723 "It would make me unhappy. Anyway, Mam, you're not going to die." 860 01:02:08,141 --> 01:02:11,644 She said, "No, I'm not going to die. 861 01:02:12,062 --> 01:02:16,399 "I'm going to get married. The honeymoon is in Tenerife. 862 01:02:16,900 --> 01:02:18,526 "Have one of your tablets." 863 01:02:29,746 --> 01:02:33,416 So, for the umpteenth time, I biked back from the theatre 864 01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,835 where I'd been talking about my mother. 865 01:02:37,421 --> 01:02:39,922 Well, at least I know where my mother is. 866 01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:46,595 Miss Shepherd. 867 01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:53,477 Miss Shepherd? 868 01:02:59,693 --> 01:03:00,860 I don't like it. 869 01:03:01,778 --> 01:03:03,779 - So, look in. - No. 870 01:03:04,114 --> 01:03:06,365 - Are you scared? - No. 871 01:03:06,450 --> 01:03:07,533 Not of the body. 872 01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:11,537 Scared this may be the end of the story, and now I'm going to have to write it. 873 01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:14,957 Still, now she's gone. 874 01:03:15,459 --> 01:03:17,126 I can make it up. 875 01:03:17,461 --> 01:03:20,379 Narrative freedom. Whoopee. 876 01:03:23,633 --> 01:03:24,967 Miss Shepherd. 877 01:03:27,971 --> 01:03:30,014 - Miss Shepherd? - Go on. 878 01:03:37,439 --> 01:03:40,065 What are you doing? Looking at my things? 879 01:03:40,150 --> 01:03:42,318 I thought you might be ill or dead. 880 01:03:42,402 --> 01:03:44,570 - Dead? Me? - I was concerned. 881 01:03:44,654 --> 01:03:45,905 You were nosy! 882 01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:47,072 I haven't seen you. I'm sorry. 883 01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:49,492 I'm not dead! You'll know when I'm dead. 884 01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:50,743 I'm sorry. 885 01:03:50,869 --> 01:03:54,371 Dead? Me? I shan't die in a hurry, I can tell you. 886 01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:56,165 Dead? 887 01:03:57,167 --> 01:03:59,168 Don't make me laugh. 888 01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:05,007 She didn't die then, and nor did my mother. 889 01:04:05,759 --> 01:04:09,762 But as the years passed, both of them were beginning to fade. 890 01:04:10,013 --> 01:04:13,015 As you can appreciate, it's difficult to take a history. 891 01:04:13,099 --> 01:04:15,434 But I'm right in thinking she hasn't been a smoker? 892 01:04:15,519 --> 01:04:18,854 - No. - Not been a smoker, doesn't drink. 893 01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:21,815 All things considered, a very healthy woman. 894 01:04:23,026 --> 01:04:24,026 You think? 895 01:04:34,037 --> 01:04:36,372 This is a woman who's broken her hip. 896 01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:40,417 And of course, in someone younger and in better circumstances, 897 01:04:40,502 --> 01:04:42,545 we'd give them antibiotics. 898 01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:46,799 But at your mother's age, and in her state of mind, 899 01:04:47,551 --> 01:04:50,386 one wonders if this is altogether kind. 900 01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:54,682 And if you don't give her antibiotics, what will happen? 901 01:04:54,975 --> 01:04:56,642 She may recover. 902 01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:58,644 Or not. 903 01:04:59,062 --> 01:05:01,397 She could just sleep away. 904 01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:05,234 You mustn't reproach yourself. 905 01:05:06,486 --> 01:05:07,820 You've done 906 01:05:09,072 --> 01:05:11,490 more than can be expected. 907 01:05:17,998 --> 01:05:18,998 Thank you. 908 01:05:22,085 --> 01:05:23,419 Mr Bennett. 909 01:05:24,254 --> 01:05:26,088 - Where have you been? - Seeing my mother. 910 01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:27,673 How is she? 911 01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:31,010 The same. She doesn't remember me now. 912 01:05:31,177 --> 01:05:34,179 Well, I'm not surprised. She doesn't see you very often. 913 01:05:35,265 --> 01:05:37,266 Will you write about me? 914 01:05:38,268 --> 01:05:39,435 I don't know. 915 01:05:40,270 --> 01:05:41,478 She never said this. 916 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:42,771 So? 917 01:05:43,898 --> 01:05:46,650 I've heard you. On the wireless. 918 01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:48,319 Does she know that? 919 01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:51,030 Well, how can she? She doesn't know who she is. 920 01:05:51,448 --> 01:05:55,618 Yeah, that's what you think. Using your mother. 921 01:05:56,453 --> 01:05:58,370 You should be ashamed of yourself. 922 01:05:58,788 --> 01:06:00,122 She didn't say this. 923 01:06:00,624 --> 01:06:03,542 No. But why shouldn't she? 924 01:06:04,419 --> 01:06:08,047 You write about her all the time, one way or another. 925 01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:10,049 You use your mother. 926 01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:12,051 That's what writers do. 927 01:06:12,469 --> 01:06:15,429 Me next, I suppose. 928 01:06:15,805 --> 01:06:19,808 Anyway, now you're here, I need some shopping done. 929 01:06:20,644 --> 01:06:22,895 You ought to go yourself. You should try and walk more. 930 01:06:22,979 --> 01:06:24,396 - I do walk. - I never see you. 931 01:06:24,522 --> 01:06:27,024 Well, that's 'cause you're not around in the middle of the night. 932 01:06:27,651 --> 01:06:28,984 I want some batteries. 933 01:06:29,611 --> 01:06:30,903 And some sherbet lemons. 934 01:06:31,738 --> 01:06:33,489 - Mr Bennett? - Yes? 935 01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:38,160 Would you like to push me up the street? 936 01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,955 Not particularly, no. 937 01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,810 This'll do. Turn me 'round. Turn me 'round! 938 01:07:02,894 --> 01:07:03,894 All right. 939 01:07:16,199 --> 01:07:17,533 Careful! 940 01:07:34,551 --> 01:07:35,884 Are you all right? 941 01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:40,055 Yes, I think so. 942 01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:42,391 Would you like me to make you a cup of coffee? 943 01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:43,684 No. 944 01:07:43,768 --> 01:07:47,312 No, I don't want you to go to all that trouble. I'll just have half a cup. 945 01:07:55,739 --> 01:07:57,531 I have to go to mass. 946 01:07:57,657 --> 01:07:59,742 - Well, you're not fit. - Here. 947 01:07:59,909 --> 01:08:02,745 It's an anniversary and a day of obligation. 948 01:08:03,329 --> 01:08:05,330 Who for? A saint? 949 01:08:05,415 --> 01:08:07,416 No. A young man. 950 01:08:08,001 --> 01:08:09,042 Someone you loved? 951 01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:11,462 No! Certainly not. Just someone I... 952 01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:14,423 Someone who died. 953 01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:17,926 He'd be in his 50s now. 954 01:08:18,261 --> 01:08:19,428 Was he a Catholic? 955 01:08:19,512 --> 01:08:23,348 Possibly, possibly. Only he's in purgatory. He needs my prayers. 956 01:08:23,600 --> 01:08:25,184 What was his name? 957 01:08:25,435 --> 01:08:27,770 No, I never bother with names. 958 01:08:29,773 --> 01:08:31,440 The body of Christ. 959 01:08:37,572 --> 01:08:38,572 The body of Christ. 960 01:08:42,619 --> 01:08:44,536 - Yes? - I live down the street. 961 01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:46,955 I've seen you. 962 01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:52,544 It's you that has the van. 963 01:08:52,879 --> 01:08:54,087 Yes. 964 01:08:54,881 --> 01:08:56,173 Difficult woman. 965 01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:58,050 A Catholic. 966 01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,303 One of the sisters remembers her. 967 01:09:02,305 --> 01:09:07,476 I've been told she was very argumentative. Is that why she was made to leave? 968 01:09:08,144 --> 01:09:09,812 Disputatious, she was. 969 01:09:10,230 --> 01:09:13,440 I've had her pointed out to me on that account, hankering after the piano. 970 01:09:13,566 --> 01:09:14,983 She always thought she was right. 971 01:09:15,068 --> 01:09:17,820 She wasn't right. God is right. End of story. 972 01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,572 Anyway, what do you want to know for? 973 01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:23,408 - She's ill. - Who? The woman? 974 01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:27,037 I wondered if there was a nun available who could talk to her, do her some shopping. 975 01:09:27,664 --> 01:09:29,998 We don't have shopping nuns. 976 01:09:30,333 --> 01:09:32,167 It's a strict order. 977 01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:33,710 I've seen them shopping. 978 01:09:33,795 --> 01:09:36,463 I saw one yesterday at Marks & Spencer. She was buying meringues. 979 01:09:37,507 --> 01:09:39,091 The Bishop may have been coming. 980 01:09:39,676 --> 01:09:41,051 Well, does he like meringues? 981 01:09:41,845 --> 01:09:46,014 Who are you, coming 'round, asking if the Bishop likes meringues? 982 01:09:46,099 --> 01:09:47,349 Are you a communist? 983 01:09:47,684 --> 01:09:50,769 She's ill. She's a Catholic, and I think she might be dying. 984 01:09:51,521 --> 01:09:54,064 Well, they can pray for her, only you'll have to fill in a form. 985 01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:57,442 She'll probably pull her socks up once your back is turned. 986 01:09:57,569 --> 01:10:01,071 That's been my experience where invalids are concerned. 987 01:10:02,365 --> 01:10:03,866 This way out! 988 01:10:04,701 --> 01:10:07,536 I don't want you bumping into the sisters. 989 01:10:29,267 --> 01:10:31,643 Another parcel on the path. 990 01:10:33,104 --> 01:10:38,108 If... When I write about all this, people will say there's too much about shit. 991 01:10:40,528 --> 01:10:44,781 But there was a lot about shit. Shit was in the forefront. 992 01:10:45,116 --> 01:10:47,409 Caring, which is not a word I like, 993 01:10:47,493 --> 01:10:49,953 caring is about shit. 994 01:11:06,763 --> 01:11:08,722 - I've talked to Mary. - Or Margaret. 995 01:11:08,806 --> 01:11:10,140 Or Margaret. 996 01:11:10,391 --> 01:11:12,100 Miss Shepherd, anyway. 997 01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:16,146 She tells me you don't encourage her to get out and lead a more purposeful life, 998 01:11:16,230 --> 01:11:17,731 and put obstacles in her way. 999 01:11:17,982 --> 01:11:20,150 I don't encourage her to think she can become prime minister. 1000 01:11:20,234 --> 01:11:22,736 I do encourage her to try and get to the supermarket. 1001 01:11:23,237 --> 01:11:26,573 Yes. A carer will often feel that... 1002 01:11:26,658 --> 01:11:30,744 Excuse me, may I stop you? Do not call me the carer. I am not the carer. 1003 01:11:31,162 --> 01:11:34,039 I hate caring. I hate the thought. I hate the word. 1004 01:11:34,374 --> 01:11:39,586 I do not care, and I do not care for. I am here, she is there. There is no caring. 1005 01:11:40,004 --> 01:11:43,966 Alan, I'm sensing hostility again. 1006 01:11:45,176 --> 01:11:48,553 You see, I'm wondering whether having cared for Mary, 1007 01:11:48,763 --> 01:11:51,390 as it were, singlehanded for all these years, 1008 01:11:52,183 --> 01:11:55,686 you don't understandably resent it when the professionals lend a hand. 1009 01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:57,145 No, though I resent it 1010 01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:59,564 when the professionals turn up every three months or so 1011 01:11:59,774 --> 01:12:01,942 and try to tell me what this woman, 1012 01:12:02,193 --> 01:12:06,363 whom I have coped with on a daily basis for the past 15 years, is like. 1013 01:12:06,698 --> 01:12:08,573 What is she like? 1014 01:12:09,033 --> 01:12:14,079 Mary, as you call her, is a bigoted, blinkered, cantankerous, devious, 1015 01:12:14,330 --> 01:12:18,166 unforgiving, self-serving, rank, rude, car-mad cow. 1016 01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:21,086 Which is to say nothing of her flying faeces 1017 01:12:21,170 --> 01:12:23,630 and her ability to extrude from her withered buttocks 1018 01:12:23,715 --> 01:12:27,009 turds of such force that they land a yard from the back of the van 1019 01:12:27,093 --> 01:12:29,553 and their presumed point of exit. 1020 01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:33,181 Though, of course, you didn't say any of that. 1021 01:12:37,603 --> 01:12:39,521 People will think it's because you're too nice. 1022 01:12:40,481 --> 01:12:42,399 It's actually because you're too timid. 1023 01:12:42,650 --> 01:12:45,652 Yes. Though this being England, timid is good, too. 1024 01:12:48,114 --> 01:12:50,949 Well, this has been very helpful. 1025 01:12:51,576 --> 01:12:54,077 I'll see about getting her a doctor. 1026 01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:57,581 Is it a man doctor? 1027 01:12:57,832 --> 01:12:58,999 Yes. 1028 01:13:02,754 --> 01:13:07,132 I don't want a man doctor. Don't they have a woman? 1029 01:13:07,216 --> 01:13:10,510 Sorry. Miss Shepherd, I only want to take your pulse. 1030 01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:15,098 - Which hand? Do you have a preference? - No. 1031 01:13:21,105 --> 01:13:23,440 It's normally cleaner than that. 1032 01:13:25,610 --> 01:13:28,278 Miss Shepherd, I'd like to take you to hospital for a day or so, 1033 01:13:28,362 --> 01:13:29,696 just to run some tests. 1034 01:13:29,947 --> 01:13:33,283 No, I've always had great faith in onions. 1035 01:13:33,534 --> 01:13:34,701 Yes. 1036 01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:38,955 But onions can only take you so far, medically speaking. 1037 01:13:44,003 --> 01:13:45,629 She won't go to hospital. 1038 01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:48,006 - How do you know? - Ask her. 1039 01:13:48,633 --> 01:13:51,426 Would she go to the day centre? She could be looked at there. 1040 01:13:51,803 --> 01:13:53,637 And she could stay for a few days. 1041 01:13:53,888 --> 01:13:55,889 She won't go to the day centre. 1042 01:13:56,140 --> 01:13:57,474 Are you sure? 1043 01:13:57,725 --> 01:13:59,059 Have you asked her? 1044 01:13:59,602 --> 01:14:03,271 She will not go to the day centre. I know. 1045 01:14:03,481 --> 01:14:05,023 Of course I'll go. 1046 01:14:06,901 --> 01:14:08,652 They won't make me stay in? 1047 01:14:08,820 --> 01:14:11,279 No, they're going to give you a bath and put you in some clean clothes 1048 01:14:11,364 --> 01:14:12,531 and do some tests. 1049 01:14:12,824 --> 01:14:14,199 Will they leave me to it? 1050 01:14:14,492 --> 01:14:16,326 - Where? - In the bath. 1051 01:14:16,661 --> 01:14:20,997 I know how to bath myself. I've won awards for that. 1052 01:14:21,332 --> 01:14:22,499 Yes, I remember. 1053 01:14:22,583 --> 01:14:23,917 - Mr Bennett. - Yes? 1054 01:14:24,168 --> 01:14:27,712 It won't look as if I'm being taken away, will it? 1055 01:14:27,839 --> 01:14:29,506 Taken away where? 1056 01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:34,177 Where they take people because they're not right. 1057 01:14:34,262 --> 01:14:35,595 Do they do that still? 1058 01:14:35,763 --> 01:14:37,848 Well, sometimes, but you need a lot of signatures. 1059 01:14:38,057 --> 01:14:40,809 But they pretend things to get you there sometimes. 1060 01:14:41,018 --> 01:14:45,021 That's the danger with next of kin. It's one of their tricks. 1061 01:14:46,107 --> 01:14:48,275 They might be pretending it's a day centre. 1062 01:14:48,693 --> 01:14:50,527 - No. - Well, I... 1063 01:14:50,778 --> 01:14:53,446 I've been had like that once before. 1064 01:14:53,531 --> 01:14:54,865 Alan. 1065 01:14:58,786 --> 01:15:00,370 Miss Shepherd. 1066 01:15:00,454 --> 01:15:04,875 Now, I'm a bit behindhand with things, so there may be a bit of a... 1067 01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:07,586 Put your arm around my neck. 1068 01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:10,672 There we go. 1069 01:15:11,382 --> 01:15:14,217 I've not gone in for this kind of thing much. 1070 01:15:14,844 --> 01:15:17,512 I note how, with none of my own distaste, 1071 01:15:17,638 --> 01:15:20,974 the ambulance driver does not hesitate to touch Miss Shepherd, 1072 01:15:21,058 --> 01:15:24,895 and even puts his arm around her as he lowers her into the chair. 1073 01:15:28,149 --> 01:15:32,402 I note, too, his careful rearrangement of her greasy clothing, 1074 01:15:32,904 --> 01:15:37,574 pulling the skirt down over her knees in the interest of modesty. 1075 01:15:41,245 --> 01:15:43,246 I'm coming back, you know. 1076 01:15:43,581 --> 01:15:45,749 This isn't a toe in the water job. 1077 01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:48,251 Is there anything you'd like us to take and have us wash? 1078 01:15:48,586 --> 01:15:51,755 Well, why? Most of my things are clean. 1079 01:15:52,506 --> 01:15:54,174 Not ill, your friend? 1080 01:15:54,342 --> 01:15:56,509 - No. - Not going? 1081 01:15:56,677 --> 01:15:59,346 Only to the day centre, apparently. 1082 01:16:00,264 --> 01:16:02,432 The children always ask after her. 1083 01:16:03,184 --> 01:16:05,727 They used to be so frightened of her when they were young. 1084 01:16:05,937 --> 01:16:09,314 One's in Washington now. The World Bank. 1085 01:16:10,650 --> 01:16:13,276 How long has it been? Ten years? 1086 01:16:13,945 --> 01:16:15,779 - More like 15. - A lifetime. 1087 01:16:16,280 --> 01:16:18,073 Mr Bennett. Mr Bennett. 1088 01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:24,371 That social worker wanted to know my next of kin. 1089 01:16:24,455 --> 01:16:29,334 I don't want my next of kin broadcast, so I said I didn't have any. 1090 01:16:29,794 --> 01:16:31,461 Only, they're in this envelope. 1091 01:16:31,796 --> 01:16:34,714 And you keep it under your hat. 1092 01:16:35,800 --> 01:16:39,302 Do you know I was an ambulance driver myself once? 1093 01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:41,471 During the war. 1094 01:16:41,889 --> 01:16:44,641 I knew Kensington in the blackout. 1095 01:16:44,809 --> 01:16:46,184 Really? 1096 01:16:50,815 --> 01:16:53,024 The chair goes up on a lift. 1097 01:16:53,484 --> 01:16:55,568 And in this small ascension, 1098 01:16:55,653 --> 01:16:59,322 when she slowly rises above the level of the garden wall, 1099 01:16:59,407 --> 01:17:01,700 there is a vagabond nobility about her. 1100 01:17:02,994 --> 01:17:05,996 A derelict Nobel Prize winner, she looks, 1101 01:17:06,330 --> 01:17:10,667 her grimy face set in a kind of resigned satisfaction. 1102 01:17:11,544 --> 01:17:15,005 Could we do that again? I'd like another go. 1103 01:17:15,298 --> 01:17:16,965 When you come back. 1104 01:17:44,201 --> 01:17:45,535 Here we go. 1105 01:17:57,423 --> 01:17:58,715 You smell lovely. 1106 01:17:59,550 --> 01:18:01,176 - You okay? - Yes. 1107 01:18:01,260 --> 01:18:02,260 Good. 1108 01:18:07,391 --> 01:18:09,726 There. Your M.O.T. 1109 01:18:20,571 --> 01:18:21,988 There you go. 1110 01:18:25,618 --> 01:18:27,535 Hello, Margaret. 1111 01:18:49,266 --> 01:18:52,936 Fourteen years? You must be a saint. 1112 01:18:53,771 --> 01:18:58,274 She's a difficult woman, my sister. Edith won't have her in the house. 1113 01:18:58,609 --> 01:19:01,111 I used to help her out when I could. 1114 01:19:01,612 --> 01:19:03,613 It's what Mother would have wanted. 1115 01:19:03,948 --> 01:19:06,116 I'm not a saint, just lazy. 1116 01:19:06,367 --> 01:19:08,701 - I know she was an ambulance driver. - Yes. 1117 01:19:09,120 --> 01:19:12,872 And she was a nun. Twice over. Till they got rid of her. 1118 01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:16,418 Tipped her over the edge. 1119 01:19:17,795 --> 01:19:20,630 She spent some time in an asylum. 1120 01:19:21,674 --> 01:19:22,966 Banstead. 1121 01:19:25,052 --> 01:19:26,386 Which was my fault. 1122 01:19:26,804 --> 01:19:27,971 No. 1123 01:19:28,055 --> 01:19:29,681 Mind you, she's a difficult woman. 1124 01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:31,474 Such a bully. 1125 01:19:32,309 --> 01:19:34,644 Did she bully you? She bullies me. 1126 01:19:34,812 --> 01:19:36,646 Well, I had her put away. 1127 01:19:37,481 --> 01:19:39,149 Incarcerated. 1128 01:19:40,317 --> 01:19:42,652 Sectioned is what you'd call it today. 1129 01:19:43,154 --> 01:19:44,654 Mind you, she got away from them, too. 1130 01:19:45,406 --> 01:19:47,490 Gave them the slip, ended up in the van. 1131 01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:52,328 Does she still play? Piano? 1132 01:19:52,913 --> 01:19:54,164 No. 1133 01:19:57,334 --> 01:19:58,918 That is sad. 1134 01:20:00,713 --> 01:20:02,297 Have you heard of Cortot? 1135 01:20:02,423 --> 01:20:05,884 Alfred Cortot, the virtuoso pianist? 1136 01:20:08,053 --> 01:20:09,179 Yes. 1137 01:20:09,263 --> 01:20:12,182 Margaret was his pupil. 1138 01:20:13,058 --> 01:20:15,894 Yeah, she had to go over to Paris for lessons. 1139 01:20:16,228 --> 01:20:18,104 It wasn't easy in those days. 1140 01:20:18,355 --> 01:20:23,026 And practise. My word, she used to practise all day long. 1141 01:20:23,527 --> 01:20:26,029 Well, the nuns put a stop to that. 1142 01:20:27,198 --> 01:20:29,199 Test of obedience. 1143 01:20:30,117 --> 01:20:36,039 I was a vet in Africa, and when I came back, the music was out. Finished. 1144 01:20:39,543 --> 01:20:42,128 Practising had become praying. 1145 01:20:54,475 --> 01:20:56,476 Played at the Proms once. 1146 01:25:28,999 --> 01:25:30,333 Miss Shepherd? 1147 01:25:39,009 --> 01:25:40,426 Miss Shepherd? 1148 01:25:48,602 --> 01:25:50,603 I just tried to visit you. 1149 01:25:54,024 --> 01:25:56,025 I wasn't stopping there. 1150 01:25:56,360 --> 01:26:01,197 A woman said my face rang a bell. Was I ever in Banstead? 1151 01:26:01,698 --> 01:26:03,866 And she would not stop. 1152 01:26:04,201 --> 01:26:06,452 They gave me some mince and she said, 1153 01:26:06,703 --> 01:26:09,997 "You'll find the mince here a step up from the mince in Banstead." 1154 01:26:10,082 --> 01:26:11,666 I don't know about the... 1155 01:26:12,125 --> 01:26:15,753 The mince in Banstead, or anywhere else, for that matter. 1156 01:26:15,879 --> 01:26:18,464 That's just where they put people when they're not right. 1157 01:26:19,299 --> 01:26:21,300 Well, you look nice and clean. 1158 01:26:21,802 --> 01:26:24,303 Yeah, well, that'll be the bath. 1159 01:26:24,763 --> 01:26:26,556 They let me do it myself. 1160 01:26:26,640 --> 01:26:30,685 The nurse came and gave me some finishing touches. 1161 01:26:31,436 --> 01:26:33,646 She said I'd come up a treat. 1162 01:26:36,400 --> 01:26:37,859 I bought you these. 1163 01:26:38,360 --> 01:26:39,652 Flowers? 1164 01:26:40,654 --> 01:26:42,947 What do I want with flowers? 1165 01:26:43,699 --> 01:26:45,449 They... They only die. 1166 01:26:46,994 --> 01:26:50,121 I've got enough on my plate without flowers. 1167 01:26:50,831 --> 01:26:52,957 Why, you won't often have been given flowers. 1168 01:26:55,544 --> 01:26:56,961 Who says? 1169 01:27:00,173 --> 01:27:03,593 I've had bigger flowers than these. 1170 01:27:04,595 --> 01:27:06,512 And with ribbons on. 1171 01:27:07,806 --> 01:27:09,348 These don't compare. 1172 01:27:13,353 --> 01:27:14,770 Music. 1173 01:27:20,819 --> 01:27:24,572 How are people supposed to avoid it? 1174 01:27:26,658 --> 01:27:30,369 You see, I had it at my fingertips. 1175 01:27:31,788 --> 01:27:34,290 I had it in my bones. 1176 01:27:37,502 --> 01:27:39,503 I could play in the dark. 1177 01:27:41,340 --> 01:27:43,341 Had to sometimes. 1178 01:27:44,343 --> 01:27:46,344 And the keys were 1179 01:27:48,055 --> 01:27:49,680 like rooms. 1180 01:27:51,934 --> 01:27:55,311 C major and D minor. 1181 01:27:56,521 --> 01:28:00,066 Dark rooms and light rooms. 1182 01:28:02,486 --> 01:28:04,820 Just like a mansion 1183 01:28:06,281 --> 01:28:07,990 to me, music. 1184 01:28:10,827 --> 01:28:13,204 Only it worried me, 1185 01:28:13,580 --> 01:28:18,042 that playing came easier than praying. 1186 01:28:18,377 --> 01:28:19,669 And I... 1187 01:28:20,295 --> 01:28:23,714 I said this, which may have been an error. 1188 01:28:26,385 --> 01:28:28,052 Said it to whom? 1189 01:28:31,682 --> 01:28:33,307 My confessor. 1190 01:28:34,851 --> 01:28:36,185 He said 1191 01:28:36,979 --> 01:28:40,606 that was another vent the devil could creep through. 1192 01:28:43,402 --> 01:28:45,987 So, he outlawed the piano. 1193 01:28:46,321 --> 01:28:48,489 Put paid to music generally. 1194 01:28:51,368 --> 01:28:54,412 Said dividends would accrue in terms of 1195 01:28:55,622 --> 01:28:57,707 growth of the spirit. 1196 01:28:59,751 --> 01:29:02,086 Which they did. 1197 01:29:04,256 --> 01:29:05,589 They did. 1198 01:29:16,226 --> 01:29:17,643 How's your mother? 1199 01:29:19,771 --> 01:29:21,272 The same. 1200 01:29:21,606 --> 01:29:23,399 Still in the coma? 1201 01:29:23,483 --> 01:29:24,483 No. 1202 01:29:25,569 --> 01:29:28,362 She's just getting a bit of shut-eye. 1203 01:29:28,447 --> 01:29:29,905 People do. 1204 01:29:32,367 --> 01:29:33,784 Well, good night. 1205 01:29:33,869 --> 01:29:34,910 Mr Bennett? 1206 01:29:39,791 --> 01:29:41,584 Hold my hand. 1207 01:29:43,462 --> 01:29:45,296 It's clean. 1208 01:30:17,704 --> 01:30:23,334 So much of what this woman's life had been, I found out only after her death. 1209 01:30:24,169 --> 01:30:25,669 So, to tell her story, I have occasionally had to invent, 1210 01:30:25,670 --> 01:30:27,838 So, to tell her story, I have occasionally had to invent, 1211 01:30:28,048 --> 01:30:30,925 though much of it one could not make up. 1212 01:30:31,426 --> 01:30:36,097 And I do not make it up when I say that it was on the morning after this talk, 1213 01:30:36,348 --> 01:30:39,183 when she lay in the van with her hair washed, 1214 01:30:39,601 --> 01:30:43,437 that on that same morning comes the social worker into the garden, 1215 01:30:43,522 --> 01:30:49,110 bearing clean clothes, linen and ointment and knocks on the door of the van. 1216 01:31:24,688 --> 01:31:26,856 It is a van no longer. 1217 01:31:27,232 --> 01:31:29,024 It is a sepulchre. 1218 01:31:31,903 --> 01:31:33,737 Can I use your phone? 1219 01:31:34,197 --> 01:31:36,031 Yes. Yes, of course. 1220 01:31:45,917 --> 01:31:50,045 Even now, I do not venture into this evil-smelling tomb. 1221 01:31:50,755 --> 01:31:55,843 But I feel cheated that the discovery of the body has not actually been mine 1222 01:31:56,136 --> 01:31:59,388 and that having observed so much for so long, 1223 01:31:59,848 --> 01:32:02,266 I am not the first to witness her death. 1224 01:32:03,685 --> 01:32:05,644 Now, in quick succession, 1225 01:32:05,854 --> 01:32:10,149 come the doctor, the priest and men from the undertaker's 1226 01:32:10,442 --> 01:32:14,778 all of whom do what no one else has done for 20 years. 1227 01:32:15,780 --> 01:32:18,532 Namely, without pause 1228 01:32:18,617 --> 01:32:23,495 and seemingly without distaste, step inside the van. 1229 01:32:25,707 --> 01:32:28,876 Lord grant her everlasting rest 1230 01:32:29,211 --> 01:32:32,588 and let perpetual light shine upon her. 1231 01:32:33,298 --> 01:32:36,634 Present her to God the Most High. 1232 01:32:44,309 --> 01:32:46,810 She's gone, then, the lady. 1233 01:32:48,313 --> 01:32:50,981 He'll know. She'll have told him. 1234 01:32:52,317 --> 01:32:54,818 Only they got to keep mum, vicars. 1235 01:32:55,237 --> 01:32:58,364 No helping the police with their enquiries. 1236 01:32:59,157 --> 01:33:00,991 Did you know she was on the run? 1237 01:33:01,076 --> 01:33:02,159 Miss Shepherd? 1238 01:33:02,827 --> 01:33:05,287 Miss whatever you call her, yeah. 1239 01:33:05,664 --> 01:33:07,748 Stationary at a junction, 1240 01:33:07,832 --> 01:33:10,960 a young lad on a motorbike comes 'round a corner too fast 1241 01:33:12,003 --> 01:33:14,421 and smashes into her vehicle. 1242 01:33:15,006 --> 01:33:16,548 Not her fault. 1243 01:33:16,675 --> 01:33:20,678 Only here's a dead boy on the road who she thinks she's killed. 1244 01:33:22,013 --> 01:33:25,099 Does she call the police? Flag down a fellow motorist? No. 1245 01:33:25,183 --> 01:33:26,976 She clears off pronto. 1246 01:33:27,269 --> 01:33:30,771 Thereby putting herself on the wrong side of the law. 1247 01:33:31,022 --> 01:33:33,148 So, you blackmailed her. 1248 01:33:33,525 --> 01:33:35,776 I'm a policeman, Mr Bennett. 1249 01:33:36,361 --> 01:33:39,613 Retired, of course. We don't do things like that. 1250 01:33:49,541 --> 01:33:52,543 Well, it's a cut above her previous vehicle. 1251 01:33:54,421 --> 01:33:59,383 All those years, stood on my doorstep, she was outside the law. 1252 01:34:01,052 --> 01:34:04,430 A life, this is what I keep thinking, 1253 01:34:04,723 --> 01:34:08,183 a life beside which mine is just dull. 1254 01:34:17,902 --> 01:34:23,490 Left to my own thoughts at the graveside, one of the undertaker's men takes the eye. 1255 01:34:23,908 --> 01:34:28,370 Not an occupation one drifts into, I imagine, undertaking. 1256 01:34:29,205 --> 01:34:31,582 Mr Bennett. Excuse me. 1257 01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:34,585 I'm supposed to be the centrepiece here. 1258 01:34:34,794 --> 01:34:37,504 But I'm forgetting that the dead know everything. 1259 01:34:37,756 --> 01:34:42,760 You should be fighting back the tears, not eyeing up the talent. 1260 01:34:44,387 --> 01:34:45,596 Well, it's a thought. 1261 01:34:45,680 --> 01:34:46,972 She's dead now. 1262 01:34:47,057 --> 01:34:48,515 I can do what I want with her. 1263 01:34:48,600 --> 01:34:51,435 Yes, you can. I'm dead. Feel free! 1264 01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:53,270 Hello. 1265 01:34:53,688 --> 01:34:57,399 There are two of you now. Is that because you're in two minds? 1266 01:34:57,525 --> 01:34:58,525 - Yes. - No. 1267 01:34:58,777 --> 01:35:00,486 Where are you going, Miss Shepherd? 1268 01:35:01,279 --> 01:35:05,866 I was wondering, would either of you object if the van became a place of pilgrimage? 1269 01:35:05,950 --> 01:35:08,535 - No. - I'm getting rid of the van. The van is going. 1270 01:35:08,620 --> 01:35:12,456 Healing could take place, and any proceeds could go towards the nuns. 1271 01:35:12,540 --> 01:35:14,375 The nuns? What did the nuns ever do for you? 1272 01:35:14,459 --> 01:35:17,211 Well, not much, but when the donations start rolling in 1273 01:35:17,295 --> 01:35:19,963 they'll realise what a catch I would have been. 1274 01:35:20,048 --> 01:35:22,633 It was the same with Saint Bernadette. 1275 01:35:22,801 --> 01:35:26,095 They didn't realise with her until it was too late. 1276 01:35:27,555 --> 01:35:30,641 This way. There's someone I want you to meet. 1277 01:35:31,976 --> 01:35:33,977 That's something you could do. 1278 01:35:34,062 --> 01:35:39,149 This thing you're trying to write, well, you could pump it up a bit. 1279 01:35:39,567 --> 01:35:41,777 If it were on the lines of The Song of Bernadette, 1280 01:35:41,861 --> 01:35:43,821 it would make you a packet. 1281 01:35:44,114 --> 01:35:47,241 I mean, why? Why did you just let me die? 1282 01:35:47,826 --> 01:35:50,244 I'd like to go up into heaven. 1283 01:35:50,662 --> 01:35:53,288 An ascension, possibly. 1284 01:35:53,665 --> 01:35:55,499 A transfiguration. 1285 01:35:55,708 --> 01:35:57,251 That's not really my kind of thing. 1286 01:35:57,335 --> 01:35:58,877 There you are. 1287 01:35:59,796 --> 01:36:01,505 This is my new friend. 1288 01:36:01,589 --> 01:36:02,923 - Hello. - Hello. 1289 01:36:03,007 --> 01:36:05,426 It's the young man who crashed into the van. 1290 01:36:05,510 --> 01:36:06,552 Hi. 1291 01:36:06,678 --> 01:36:08,512 I thought it was me that killed him. 1292 01:36:08,763 --> 01:36:10,931 Turns out it was his own fault. 1293 01:36:11,015 --> 01:36:14,935 So, one way and another, we've got heaps to talk about. 1294 01:36:15,728 --> 01:36:17,020 Goodbye. 1295 01:36:18,106 --> 01:36:19,314 Mr Bennett? 1296 01:36:19,399 --> 01:36:20,691 Yes. 1297 01:36:20,984 --> 01:36:24,027 I came into your drive for three months 1298 01:36:25,196 --> 01:36:28,991 and I stayed for 15 years! 1299 01:36:29,242 --> 01:36:32,202 - Mr Bennett? - Yes? 1300 01:36:32,370 --> 01:36:35,038 - Do you know what that is? - No. 1301 01:36:35,707 --> 01:36:38,292 It's the last laugh. 1302 01:36:45,133 --> 01:36:48,051 Well, she wanted an ascension. 1303 01:36:50,221 --> 01:36:52,222 Let's answer her prayers. 1304 01:36:54,350 --> 01:36:57,519 Stand by, Miss Mary Teresa Shepherd, 1305 01:36:58,188 --> 01:37:00,647 late of 23 Gloucester Crescent. 1306 01:37:03,902 --> 01:37:05,277 Up you go. 1307 01:37:20,335 --> 01:37:23,587 Starting out as someone incidental to my life, 1308 01:37:24,422 --> 01:37:30,260 she remained on the edge of it so long, she became not incidental to it at all. 1309 01:37:30,929 --> 01:37:34,723 As homebound sons and daughters looking after their parents 1310 01:37:34,807 --> 01:37:39,311 think of it as just marking time before their lives start, 1311 01:37:39,938 --> 01:37:45,275 so, like them, I learned there is no such thing as marking time 1312 01:37:46,277 --> 01:37:48,487 and that time marks you. 1313 01:37:49,614 --> 01:37:53,784 In accommodating her and accommodating to her, 1314 01:37:53,868 --> 01:37:57,204 I find 20 years of my life has gone. 1315 01:38:00,291 --> 01:38:03,961 This broken-down old woman, her delusions, 1316 01:38:04,045 --> 01:38:09,132 and the slow abridgement of her life, with all its vehicular permutations, 1317 01:38:10,051 --> 01:38:12,970 these have been given to me to record 1318 01:38:13,137 --> 01:38:17,516 as others record journeys across Afghanistan or Patagonia 1319 01:38:18,893 --> 01:38:21,270 or the thighs of a dozen women. 1320 01:38:21,896 --> 01:38:24,481 You wanted me to make things happen. 1321 01:38:25,316 --> 01:38:29,653 And I never have much, but it doesn't matter. 1322 01:38:30,989 --> 01:38:33,490 Because what I've learnt, 1323 01:38:33,992 --> 01:38:39,037 and maybe she taught me, is that you don't put yourself into what you write. 1324 01:38:40,123 --> 01:38:41,790 You find yourself there. 1325 01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:43,917 I never wanted to write about her. 1326 01:38:44,002 --> 01:38:47,129 If there'd been a bit more in your life, I wouldn't have had to. 1327 01:38:48,673 --> 01:38:50,340 Maybe I will now. 1328 01:38:51,342 --> 01:38:52,467 What? 1329 01:38:53,678 --> 01:38:55,762 Have a bit more in my life. 1330 01:38:56,014 --> 01:38:57,973 I might even start living. 1331 01:38:58,057 --> 01:38:59,391 Good day? 1332 01:38:59,601 --> 01:39:01,143 Not bad. You? 1333 01:39:02,020 --> 01:39:03,395 These came. 1334 01:39:05,523 --> 01:39:06,857 Very good. 1335 01:39:07,400 --> 01:39:09,443 - Coming down? - All right. 1336 01:39:10,570 --> 01:39:12,738 That's the end of the story. 1337 01:39:13,364 --> 01:39:15,240 It might make a play. 1338 01:39:15,325 --> 01:39:16,867 What do you think? 1339 01:39:17,702 --> 01:39:20,954 Now I'm here, I think you should stop talking to yourself. 1340 01:39:36,929 --> 01:39:37,971 Hi. 1341 01:39:38,556 --> 01:39:39,890 Hi, Alan. 1342 01:39:40,642 --> 01:39:43,727 Okay, nice and quiet, please. Here we go. And let's turn over. 1343 01:39:45,355 --> 01:39:47,064 - B. - Mark it. 1344 01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:48,732 Okay, take 14. 1345 01:39:51,235 --> 01:39:52,861 And, action! 1346 01:39:53,946 --> 01:39:57,532 Gloucester Crescent has had many notable residents, 1347 01:39:57,617 --> 01:40:02,496 but none odder or more remarkable than Miss Mary Shepherd, 1348 01:40:02,580 --> 01:40:06,249 to whom we dedicate this blue plaque today. 102147

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