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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:03,000 Can't believe you're making me go to Abby's house-warming. 2 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,780 - You know my views on her. - Yes, we all know you fancy her. 3 00:00:05,780 --> 00:00:07,660 No, she just kept saying that at university. 4 00:00:07,660 --> 00:00:10,860 Well, to be fair, there was a time you left her 26 missed calls. 5 00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:12,060 I'd pocket-dialled her. 6 00:00:12,060 --> 00:00:15,140 Yeah, the rumour was you fancied her so much, your penis typed in her number. 7 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,500 That is not possible. 8 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:20,380 It is. My cousin Dirty Brychan can unlock his iPhone with his old fella. 9 00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:22,740 Turns out his thumb and penis have identical prints. 10 00:00:22,740 --> 00:00:23,860 No way that's true. 11 00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:25,900 It is. It's how they caught him for the burglary. 12 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,660 I don't even like her. She's the smuggest person I've ever met. 13 00:00:28,660 --> 00:00:31,420 Oh, God, I loved uni house parties. 14 00:00:31,420 --> 00:00:34,700 Queuing for the toilet, girls crying on the stairs, 15 00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:38,580 using those little Mr Kipling cakes as ashtrays - glorious. 16 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,700 - Mm... - I'm going to start a game of spin the bottle. 17 00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:42,700 We didn't play spin the bottle at uni. 18 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,580 Well, you might not have, mate. My lips barely left the bottle arena. 19 00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:47,660 Why do you think I got through so much chapstick? 20 00:00:47,660 --> 00:00:49,220 I'm not playing spin the bottle. 21 00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:51,220 Well, we are, so it's up to you if you want to join in. 22 00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:52,740 Well, you play, I'll watch. 23 00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:56,060 Oh, I forgot you were the world's creepiest man. 24 00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:09,660 Oi, oi, it is nostalgia central here. 25 00:01:09,660 --> 00:01:11,660 Remember when I returned a library book so late 26 00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:13,940 - I had to sell the Game Cube? - Yeah, it was my Game Cube. 27 00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:15,900 Oh, it was everyone's Game Cube. 28 00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:18,340 What are you doing here? Get in the lounge where the action is. 29 00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:21,460 No, no, we can't. They're all talking about that true crime series, Dead Alibi. 30 00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:23,740 How are we the only two that haven't watched it? 31 00:01:23,740 --> 00:01:27,340 I had to remove myself for fear of being a victim of spoilers. 32 00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:29,100 I already know the sous chef didn't do it. 33 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:30,900 Well, of course the sous chef didn't do it. 34 00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:33,900 - He gets stabbed by a meat thermometer in episode three. - Are you kidding me? 35 00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:34,940 Guys! 36 00:01:34,940 --> 00:01:36,660 - Hey, Abby! - Hey, hey, hey. 37 00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:38,300 What a great party! 38 00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:40,140 - Oh, it's so nice of you to come. - It's all right. 39 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,820 - Abby! - Oh, Josh, good to see you. 40 00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,860 And you. In the same way it's good to see everyone, equally. 41 00:01:45,860 --> 00:01:48,580 I can't believe you've moved just round the corner from us. 42 00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:51,300 Oh, well, my new therapy practice is at the end of the road, 43 00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:53,500 - so it's perfect for work. - How's it going? 44 00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,500 Retraining is the best decision I ever made. 45 00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:57,900 I mean, you know how I've always had a bit of a talent 46 00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:59,340 for knowing what makes people tick. 47 00:01:59,340 --> 00:02:01,740 Well, I don't think anyone knew what people were thinking 48 00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:03,100 in the fog of university. 49 00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:07,940 Good to see you again, Josh. 50 00:02:11,220 --> 00:02:12,420 I think you're in there, mate. 51 00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,220 MUSIC PLAYING 52 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,540 HUM OF CONVERSATION 53 00:02:22,380 --> 00:02:24,420 - Oh, my God, Phillipa. - Kate. 54 00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,180 Hi. 55 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:29,460 Oh, what a pleasant surprise, I was hoping you'd be here. 56 00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:31,420 I mean, it's lovely to see all my students again, 57 00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:34,620 - but between you and me, you were always my favourite. - Oh, my God. I knew it. 58 00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:36,100 PHILLIPA LAUGHS 59 00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:38,940 It's so nice to see Abby doing so well, isn't it? 60 00:02:38,940 --> 00:02:43,020 - She's probably just trying to make up for not being your favourite student. - Oh! 61 00:02:43,020 --> 00:02:47,020 So I trust you stuck with photography, because you had such talent? 62 00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:51,100 Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, I'm never not taking photos. 63 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:53,220 My lens cap is never on. 64 00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:55,660 In fact, to save time, I just threw it away, took a picture 65 00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:56,740 of it lying in the dirt. 66 00:02:56,740 --> 00:02:58,740 So, what are you working on? 67 00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:01,140 Oh, er, mostly sort of online work, 68 00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:05,140 um, offline work, you know, snap, snap, snap! 69 00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:06,340 It never ends. 70 00:03:06,340 --> 00:03:08,860 Because once you snap, you can't... 71 00:03:08,860 --> 00:03:10,100 stap. 72 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,900 You know what? Hold that, I would love to see your portfolio. 73 00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:18,500 My company are always looking for new photographers. 74 00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:21,620 I mean, we mainly commission shoots for high-end fashion. 75 00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:23,180 Ah, the best end, if you ask me. 76 00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:27,700 Yes! I've just come from the most fantastic shoot with Claudia. 77 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,540 - Winkleman? - Schiffer. 78 00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:30,900 Yeah. 79 00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,940 Now, are you free next week? 80 00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:34,980 Um, I might have to ask my temp agency. 81 00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:38,980 I mean, my agent, who is temporary. "They work for you, Kate, remember that." 82 00:03:38,980 --> 00:03:40,020 Ah! 83 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,180 So, when could you pop in? 84 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,860 I think I've got a window on, erm, Monday afternoon. 85 00:03:44,860 --> 00:03:46,540 - Sounds great. - Ah! - PHONE RINGS 86 00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:48,220 Oh, gosh, sorry, I've got to take this. 87 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:50,980 - It's Kate. - Oh, Moss? - No, my baby-sitter. 88 00:03:58,860 --> 00:04:00,860 Yeah, she spotted my talent early. 89 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:03,100 This is probably going to be my big break, if I'm honest, 90 00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:05,260 but don't worry, I'm not going let it change me. 91 00:04:05,260 --> 00:04:06,780 That's a pity, isn't it? 92 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,740 The thing with a career in the arts is, you really have to want to create... 93 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:11,980 Look, this party is rubbish. Can we just go? 94 00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:15,540 Yeah, I should probably head home and prepare a mood board and polish my lens. 95 00:04:15,540 --> 00:04:17,860 I don't want to hear about your sexual frustrations, Kate. 96 00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:19,540 Did anybody order more nostalgia? 97 00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:21,860 Then it is time to spin the bottle! 98 00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:23,500 CHEERING 99 00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,660 Oh, no, no, don't feel we need to do this, guys. 100 00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:28,100 - Come on, Josh, get involved. - No, it's not really my scene. 101 00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,460 - Oh, who invited Frankie Frigid? - I'm not Frankie Frigid. 102 00:04:30,460 --> 00:04:32,380 That's exactly what Frankie Frigid would say. 103 00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:34,180 Yes, that and, "Don't touch my penis." 104 00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:35,740 All right, fine, let's do it. 105 00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:39,460 Right, just before we get cracking, erm, tongues are optional, 106 00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:40,860 but it's an option I always take, 107 00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:43,340 so if anyone's got any loose fillings, do declare them now. 108 00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:46,100 OK, spin the bottle, see who gets to go first. 109 00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:48,100 ALL: Ohh! 110 00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:52,700 Looks like Frankie Frigid's become Ugo Up-For-It. 111 00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:55,740 - Ugo? - No, you go first. Come on, spin the bottle, lover boy. 112 00:04:55,740 --> 00:04:57,180 Stupid, what if I land it on you? 113 00:04:57,180 --> 00:05:01,380 Knowing your post-uni love life, odds are you'll land on yourself! 114 00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:03,260 Josh, have you been single since university? 115 00:05:03,260 --> 00:05:04,980 No, I've had plenty of girlfriends. 116 00:05:04,980 --> 00:05:07,380 Oh, you should've introduced us to some of them, Josh. 117 00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:09,260 All right, let's just get this over with, OK? 118 00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:11,340 ALL: Ohh! 119 00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:16,460 - Ah... I understand... - No... 120 00:05:16,460 --> 00:05:19,100 - But that, that, that... - No, it's OK, Josh, I'm not judging you. 121 00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,980 No, but how could that be intentional? 122 00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:23,900 Well, your single years have given you quite the skilled wrist. 123 00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,980 - Oh, that's cheap. - Come on, we've got our first kissers of the evening! 124 00:05:26,980 --> 00:05:29,900 Just get cracking. Kissers, kissers... 125 00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,500 ALL: Kissers, kissers, 126 00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,580 kissers, kissers, 127 00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:35,740 kissers, kissers, kissers... 128 00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,980 I think it's for the best. 129 00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:40,020 Oh. 130 00:05:47,860 --> 00:05:51,100 I can't believe she's still going on about me fancying her. 131 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,940 Are you sure you don't? Because we all saw what happened. 132 00:05:53,940 --> 00:05:56,660 - I misjudged the spin. - Oh, all right, Mike Gatting. 133 00:05:56,660 --> 00:06:00,060 People seemed to think you'd rigged it - there was talk of a weighted bottle. 134 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,220 Who suggested that? 135 00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:03,700 Well, Abby did. I was the person who started the WhatsApp group 136 00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:05,620 - on how you might've done it. - Unbelievable. 137 00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:08,780 Mm, that's what people were saying until I suggested the use of magnets. 138 00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:12,100 Oh, I knew I shouldn't have gone to that party, and I left my cardigan there. 139 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,900 Oh, well, we all know what that says. 140 00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,940 Standard flirt's move. 141 00:06:16,940 --> 00:06:18,900 Why does everyone think I fancy her? 142 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,780 Well, for a kick-off, you keep bringing up that you don't fancy her, 143 00:06:21,780 --> 00:06:23,860 which is a classic sign of fancying someone. 144 00:06:23,860 --> 00:06:25,580 Well, what am I going to do? Say I fancy her? 145 00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:28,540 I wouldn't do that, mate. If anything, that will confirm her suspicions. 146 00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:29,900 Well, you see my problem, then. 147 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,260 - DOORBELL RINGS - Mm. 148 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:33,140 Only one play at spin the bottle, eh? 149 00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:35,140 I told you, there was too much peer pressure. 150 00:06:35,140 --> 00:06:37,780 Of course there was, Zammo. 151 00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:40,020 What would you say to mauve long johns? 152 00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:42,260 - What? - All right, how about plum flares? 153 00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:44,740 - No. - Oh, tricky customer. 154 00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:48,580 Worry not, there's something for everyone on Geoff's rail. 155 00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:50,460 GEOFF CHUCKLES 156 00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:53,860 How about a cowskin waistcoat? 157 00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:56,060 Excuse me, Geoff, I'm trying to watch Cash In The Attic. 158 00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:57,900 Well, welcome to the live version. 159 00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:00,780 I bring good news and even better threads. 160 00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:02,180 What? 161 00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:04,500 The great thing about renting to people of a similar size 162 00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:07,500 and build to you is that they get first dibs when you're clearing out 163 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:08,700 your wardrobe. 164 00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,820 On that subject, is Kate around? 165 00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:12,580 We don't want your hand-me-downs, Geoff. 166 00:07:12,580 --> 00:07:15,060 These aren't hand-me-downs, these are vintage. 167 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,060 Clearly. Just bin them, Geoff. 168 00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:19,260 Well, maybe he could if you took the bins out. 169 00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:23,500 I told you, the heaping of contents is yet to reach the required gradient. 170 00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,620 Mm, trouble in paradise? 171 00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:27,060 This isn't paradise, Geoff. 172 00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:30,180 In that case, why have I got this? 173 00:07:31,380 --> 00:07:34,940 Mm? No takers? How about this? 174 00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:40,540 - Why don't you just give them to a charity shop? - I'm not Bono. 175 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:43,020 There's gold in them there frills. 176 00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:45,700 Yes, I've been sitting on that all morning. 177 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:47,260 Is that why it's so creased? 178 00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:48,940 Who's going to start the bidding? 179 00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,660 Do I hear ?1 for the frilly shirt? ?1, ?1, ?1 for the frilly... 180 00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:52,780 Oh, my God. 181 00:07:52,780 --> 00:07:55,980 ?1, thank you.?1.50, do I hear? ?1.50, ?1.50... 182 00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:57,020 Get out. 183 00:07:57,020 --> 00:08:00,460 Thank you, sold to the man with the blond straggly hair. 184 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:12,660 - PHILLIPA: - Are you kidding me? These shots are yours? 185 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:16,060 Look at the lighting! They are more overexposed than Rylan Clark. 186 00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:18,060 Seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself... 187 00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:20,620 - Kate. - Oh, yeah. - Thanks for coming in. 188 00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:22,820 No, thanks for having me. Oh, God, before I forget, 189 00:08:22,820 --> 00:08:25,100 you will not believe how that party on Saturday ended. 190 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,740 - Do you remember my housemate Owen? - Kate, we're on work time now. 191 00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:31,900 - Please focus. - Oh, yes, sorry, focus, like a camera. 192 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:33,380 - So, portfolio? - Yep. 193 00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:35,780 PHONE RINGS 194 00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,580 Oh. Jessie, speak to me. 195 00:08:39,180 --> 00:08:40,860 Well, what do you mean she's dropped out? 196 00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:43,740 Well, can't she take photos with the arm that isn't broken? 197 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,740 How is it my responsibility? 198 00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,940 I wasn't the one she was arm-wrestling. 199 00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:51,060 Fine, tell them of course I will find a replacement. 200 00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:54,860 Kate, are you free to do a last-minute shoot? 201 00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:56,620 Er, yes, I am. 202 00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,020 I haven't told you when it is yet. 203 00:08:58,020 --> 00:08:59,700 Oh, right, yes, when is it? 204 00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,580 Wednesday night. 205 00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:03,060 Yeah, I can probably make that work. 206 00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:05,740 Good. We need images for a four-page profile piece. 207 00:09:05,740 --> 00:09:07,620 Are you familiar with Brazilian street music? 208 00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:10,020 Er, is Dario G Brazilian? 209 00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:12,340 - No. - Then no. No, I'm not. 210 00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:15,500 Right, Gabriella Luiz grew up in the favelas of Rio de Janeiro, 211 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:18,100 she couldn't afford any musical instruments so she had to learn 212 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,100 to create music from things she found to hand, 213 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:23,180 you know, bin lids, brooms, etc. Are you familiar with Stomp? 214 00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:24,420 Is that the Blue Man Group? 215 00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:26,740 - No. - Then no. No, I'm not. 216 00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,980 Right, we only have an hour in the studio with Gabriella, 217 00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:30,900 and she speaks very little English, 218 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:35,460 she hates being photographed and she has a reputation for being incredibly awkward. 219 00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:38,060 I mean, what's the most difficult shoot you've done? 220 00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:41,100 Oh, er, you know how they say never work with children or animals? 221 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:44,540 Well, I once took a photo of a baby on a dog. 222 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:49,140 Right, if she is being difficult, do not let her push you around. 223 00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:52,660 You have to take control. I'm talking velvet glove, iron fist. 224 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:55,460 - Are you good at not being pushed around? - Um, well, I... 225 00:09:55,460 --> 00:09:58,460 - Because I think you are. - Yeah, no, I'm brilliant at it. 226 00:09:58,460 --> 00:09:59,700 TV ON QUIETLY 227 00:10:07,980 --> 00:10:10,700 Shall we just skip this bit? We know the kitchen porter didn't do it. 228 00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,140 I thought that was the sous chef. 229 00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:14,980 There's the off chance I might've just googled the kitchen porter. 230 00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:16,780 Can you please stop double-screening? 231 00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:18,300 Don't worry, I can handle it. 232 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:21,100 I once watched Back To The Future I, II and III at the same time, 233 00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,540 I was in six different time zones. 234 00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:24,860 I'm not answering your questions if you miss something. 235 00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:26,700 Don't worry, mate, I don't need your help. 236 00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:29,860 Remember, I'm the person who could cope with seeing Marty McFly on a hover board, 237 00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:32,660 sauntering into the saloon bar and kissing his mother at the same time. 238 00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:36,060 Look, can we please just watch this without your constant interruptions? 239 00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:37,380 OK. 240 00:10:40,820 --> 00:10:43,780 Oh, the kitchen porter did a porno. I wonder if I can find it. 241 00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:46,020 Oh, for God's sake! Right, I'm going to make a cup of tea. 242 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,580 I think you should go camomile, mate. You seem a little stressed. 243 00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:50,180 I am not stressed. 244 00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:51,580 What the hell is this?! 245 00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,780 Oh, we'd run out of bin bags, so I, er, created a satellite bin. 246 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:57,540 - Why didn't you just buy more bin bags? - I'll buy them tomorrow. 247 00:10:57,540 --> 00:11:00,220 I think today our focus should solely be on Dead Alibi. 248 00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,700 How am I meant to concentrate on the admissibility of forensic evidence 249 00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:05,460 if I'm worrying about satellite bin bags? 250 00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:08,900 - Don't think about them, then. - You know I don't like bin gasses polluting the flat. 251 00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,380 Oh, all right, David Icke. 252 00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:13,420 Oh, did I tell you about the time I shared an Airbnb with David Icke? 253 00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:15,340 - What? - The man is a perfect housemate, 254 00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:17,740 although, interestingly, does not believe in recycling. 255 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:21,380 His argument is, if the world's run by 12-foot lizards, what's the point? 256 00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:23,740 Look, can we just get the bin bags and then I can relax? 257 00:11:23,740 --> 00:11:26,380 Absolutely, no problem at all, completely under control. 258 00:11:26,380 --> 00:11:28,860 I've just realised I've forgotten my wallet. Sorry, mate. 259 00:11:28,860 --> 00:11:31,100 - Are you kidding me? - Are you all right to shout me the bags? 260 00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,580 - Only a couple of quid. I'll pay you back. - You never pay me back! 261 00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:35,940 - What about those festival tickets? - It wasn't that long ago. 262 00:11:35,940 --> 00:11:39,980 David Bowie headlined. Look, you go back and get it and I'll wait here. 263 00:11:39,980 --> 00:11:43,260 Oh, you are unbelievable. 264 00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:04,900 It looked like I'd been staking out her house. 265 00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:08,140 Are you sure you don't fancy her? I mean, all the evidence would suggest otherwise. 266 00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:11,260 No, it's just been a series of unfortunate events. 267 00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:13,020 All right, Lemony Snicket. 268 00:12:13,020 --> 00:12:15,740 If you want to make a move, I've got loads of great tips. 269 00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:18,220 Have you ever thought about sending her a text message 270 00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:20,220 that's supposedly for someone else? 271 00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:22,300 Yeah, I tried that trick once - worked a treat. 272 00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,060 I hadn't heard from my mum for six months. 273 00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:28,140 One text, supposedly for Dad, and there she was back in touch. 274 00:12:28,140 --> 00:12:29,820 And there I was back in the will. 275 00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:31,940 Truly heart-warming. 276 00:12:31,940 --> 00:12:34,820 Anyway, I'd love to stick around and talk about this all day 277 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:36,060 but I've got to go to work, 278 00:12:36,060 --> 00:12:38,500 and then I've got a potentially career-defining photoshoot 279 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,500 with a Brazilian street musician to prepare for, 280 00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:43,380 which I'm feeling...absolutely fine about. 281 00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:45,740 When was the last time you actually did a photoshoot? 282 00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:48,420 Well, there was that photo of your nephew on the dog. 283 00:12:48,420 --> 00:12:50,980 - He's now ten. - In dog years? 284 00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:55,140 No, my nephew. If you did that photo now, he would flatten the dog. 285 00:12:55,140 --> 00:12:57,580 OK, well, natural talent can't be taught 286 00:12:57,580 --> 00:13:00,420 and I have the natural talent of a favourite student. 287 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:03,700 Although, to balance that out, I am more scared than I have ever been in my life. 288 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,460 Thank God I've got that A in Spanish GCSE, 289 00:13:05,460 --> 00:13:07,500 otherwise we wouldn't even be able to communicate. 290 00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,820 I mean, you do know in Brazil they speak Portuguese? 291 00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:10,900 Oh, God. 292 00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:13,300 I could do with some photos if you want to practise? 293 00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:14,500 Really? 294 00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,660 You never know when you'll need a recent photo. 295 00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:19,820 Personalised Christmas card, landlord charity calendar, 296 00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:22,140 image for the side of a milk carton in case I go missing. 297 00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:25,500 We don't have people on the side of milk cartons here. We've got cows. 298 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:26,940 Who would report a missing cow? 299 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:29,180 What would be the point of that? They all look the same. 300 00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:30,860 No. Geoff, the, ah... 301 00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:33,100 What? Are we not supposed to say that any more? 302 00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,380 I can't keep up! 303 00:13:40,140 --> 00:13:41,500 TV ON QUIETLY 304 00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:56,460 DOORBELL RINGS 305 00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:59,100 Don't you dare put on Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 306 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,220 You're not the most relaxed box-set buddy, are you? 307 00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,300 - Abby. - Hi, Josh. 308 00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:07,300 Er, I can explain about yesterday, I was just... 309 00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:10,060 I don't need to hear a story, Josh. I understand. 310 00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:12,860 - Good, I was worried that you... - I know it must be difficult for you, 311 00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:16,420 with me living nearby, but we have to find a way to deal with this. 312 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:20,700 - But that isn't... - Josh, this isn't going to happen. 313 00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:26,300 - Right, is that everything? - No, I've got your cardigan here, 314 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,740 just because I feel it is best if we draw a line under that tactic as well. 315 00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:31,100 It is not a tactic. 316 00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:33,780 I thought you'd have left these feelings at university, Josh. 317 00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:36,500 No, they weren't at university. I'm not in love with you. 318 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,620 You know, you don't need to deny it. 319 00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,940 I'm not denying it. 320 00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:41,900 You literally just denied it. 321 00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:43,740 No, I was denying denying it. 322 00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:45,940 Well, two wrongs don't make a right. 323 00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:47,540 That doesn't make sense. 324 00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:48,980 Love rarely does. 325 00:14:48,980 --> 00:14:50,700 What does that even mean? 326 00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:54,860 Look, I am fully trained in dealing with this kind of infatuation 327 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:58,580 and the first step on the road to recovery is you need to admit it to yourself. 328 00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:01,460 I have nothing to admit, because I'm not in love with you. 329 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:04,140 This was just a series of unfortunate events. 330 00:15:04,140 --> 00:15:06,460 Oh, Josh, you're not Lemony Snicket. 331 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,340 Look, I'm not going until you're honest with me. 332 00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:13,100 I am being honest with you. 333 00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:19,900 Right, if I say that I was in love with you at university, 334 00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,100 will you leave me alone? 335 00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:25,620 - If that's how you need to frame it, Josh, that's OK. - Fine. 336 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,100 So...? 337 00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:34,380 I was in love with you at university. 338 00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:38,020 Good. That's an important first step. 339 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,900 - Well done, Josh. I'm proud of you. - Thank you. 340 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:45,340 Look, I didn't feel that you were ready to hear this before 341 00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:47,060 but I have something to tell you. 342 00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:49,140 I have started seeing someone. 343 00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:51,420 Great, delighted for you. 344 00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:53,660 I know that's a lie and I appreciate 345 00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:55,940 you wanting to protect me from your pain but, Josh, 346 00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:59,740 it's time to stop loving me and start loving yourself. 347 00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:01,620 Mm? 348 00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:03,260 All the best. 349 00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:12,140 Brief warning - if you start loving yourself too often, you will go blind. 350 00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:14,900 Is that Anton du Beke? 351 00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,500 Come on! Right. 352 00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:25,700 KNOCK ON DOOR 353 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,220 - Yep. - Oh! 354 00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:31,140 Hello, Katie Kodak. 355 00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:34,540 Hello, Geoff. Er, welcome. So what are you after today? 356 00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:36,940 I was wondering, would you be able to drill down 357 00:16:36,940 --> 00:16:40,340 and capture a really honest portrait of humble old Geoff? 358 00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:44,060 Er, sure. I mean, what I normally do is, erm... 359 00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:47,540 Or you could just take a load of photos of me in different outfits 360 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,260 for eBay. 361 00:16:49,260 --> 00:16:51,980 Er, yeah, no, that sounds good. 362 00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:53,740 Pump up the jam 363 00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:55,660 Pump it up, pump it up 364 00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:58,180 Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it 365 00:16:58,180 --> 00:16:59,820 Pump it, pump it, pump it 366 00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,300 Pump it up a little more 367 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,420 Get the party going on the dance floor 368 00:17:04,420 --> 00:17:06,060 See, cos that's where the party's at 369 00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:08,340 And you'll find out if you do that... 370 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:12,380 Well, that went pretty well. It got your confidence up in the end. 371 00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:15,340 Yeah. Just need to remember to keep my thumb well out of the way. 372 00:17:15,340 --> 00:17:17,780 - Easy to forget how big a thumb is. - Yeah, right. 373 00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:21,820 Particularly yours. I mean, half those photos look like they're being photobombed by Ross Kemp! 374 00:17:21,820 --> 00:17:22,860 All right, Geoff. 375 00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:26,460 - No, I'm glad I was able to help. - Yeah, no. 376 00:17:26,460 --> 00:17:27,780 Well, thanks for doing this. 377 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,340 No. Thank you. If anything, I should be paying you. 378 00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,700 Ah, well, you still can. 379 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,500 Well, no, let's not bring money into this. 380 00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,300 It'd be a shame to spoil a lovely experience. 381 00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:37,660 Oh, before I go, 382 00:17:37,660 --> 00:17:39,540 could we try just one more shot? 383 00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:41,380 - Yeah. - I was thinking, 384 00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:42,740 go with me on this, 385 00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:44,980 er, a straight-on shot of me close up, 386 00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:47,940 cropped just below the shoulders on a neutral background. 387 00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:50,980 - Do you need a new passport photo, Geoff? - Yes, I do. 388 00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:54,220 Apparently you're not supposed to submit a photo of yourself wearing a headband, 389 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:56,900 even though it was clearly me. It had "Geoff" written on it. 390 00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:04,380 I mean, there is a concern a Brazilian street musician 391 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:06,460 will be more difficult to photograph than Geoff. 392 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,740 Who do you want me to practise on? Enrique Iglesias? 393 00:18:08,740 --> 00:18:09,940 He's Spanish. 394 00:18:09,940 --> 00:18:12,300 Oh, my God. Is everyone bloody Spanish?! 395 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,380 Good luck. Tuck in those thumbs. 396 00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:19,060 - Why's she got a loaf of bread on her head? - Have you taken the bins out yet? 397 00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:22,060 Mate, I only just bought the bin bags, now you want me to get rid of them! 398 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:25,020 - Why are you putting your coat on? Are you going out? - Just for a few drinks. 399 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:27,860 We're meant to be finishing watching Dead Alibi tonight. 400 00:18:27,860 --> 00:18:29,980 If you go out, I'm going to finish it without you. 401 00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:32,980 That is fine by me, cos watching a box set with you is hell. 402 00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:34,780 It's like a night in with Justin Lee Collins. 403 00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,260 Anyway, probably for the best you're staying in. 404 00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:39,300 You'd never get into Bar 54 dressed like that. 405 00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,420 These are my comfy, staying-in clothes. 406 00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:43,180 You're dressed like you're on your period. 407 00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:44,940 Do you want me to get you a slab of Galaxy? 408 00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:46,700 - Oh, piss off! - No problem. 409 00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,620 When I get back, I'll do you a hot-water bottle. 410 00:18:57,820 --> 00:19:00,700 - Sorry I'm late. - We have only got the studio booked for an hour. 411 00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:04,020 You've already cost us five minutes. That's 50 potential shots wasted. 412 00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:05,940 Sorry, my Google Maps got confused. 413 00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:07,940 This is the busiest photography studio in London. 414 00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:11,980 - Have you never been here before? - Yes, I just got it mixed up with its sister branch. 415 00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:14,340 - In New York?! - Yes. 416 00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:16,620 Right, Gabriella is waiting for you in Delta. 417 00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:20,140 She has all her instruments with her, but she's on difficult form. 418 00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:22,660 Delta? The studio we've booked. 419 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:26,060 Yeah, sorry, the reason I reacted like that is cos I've done 420 00:19:26,060 --> 00:19:28,340 so much work in Delta that I'm now emotionally dead to it. 421 00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:29,820 We are wasting more time. 422 00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:30,940 - PHONE RINGS - Claudia. 423 00:19:30,940 --> 00:19:32,220 Winkleman? Oh, no, sorry. 424 00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:35,780 Stop doing that. Right, erm... Hmm. 425 00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:38,700 METAL CLATTERS 426 00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:41,460 Hi, Gabriella, I am so sorry I'm late. 427 00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:43,700 - WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE - Yeah 428 00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,020 WOMAN CONTINUES TO SPEAK PORTUGUESE 429 00:19:46,020 --> 00:19:48,700 Oh, no, no. Please, please don't leave, um... 430 00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:50,700 KATE SPEAKS A MIXTURE OF SPANISH AND PORTUGUESE 431 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,780 - WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE - Please. 432 00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:55,060 Cos this is a really big break for me, 433 00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:57,660 so if you could just stick around. 434 00:19:57,660 --> 00:20:00,460 If I could just pop you over onto the stage. That's it, lovely. 435 00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,340 Here we go. Whoop, whoop! 436 00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:09,100 MUSIC ON TV 437 00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:16,180 Shit! 438 00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:20,420 Oh! Probably don't need flash anyway. It's pretty bright in here. 439 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:24,380 OK. So...you look very engaging. 440 00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:28,260 OK, so, um, what about with the broom? 441 00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:30,020 El...broom? 442 00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:34,100 Gracias, in Portuguese. Okey dokey. 443 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,580 Right, that's... That is lovely. 444 00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:38,700 OK, and again, bang, bang. 445 00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,820 There we go. Lovely. And again. 446 00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:43,380 Oh, ah, crazy! 447 00:20:43,380 --> 00:20:44,580 That is good. 448 00:20:47,340 --> 00:20:49,900 Gabriella? The... The shoot has finished? 449 00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:54,380 Pump, pump up the jam 450 00:20:54,380 --> 00:20:56,220 Pump it up, pump it up 451 00:20:56,220 --> 00:20:59,300 Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it 452 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,700 Pump it, pump it, pump it... 453 00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:06,220 Oh, we're in Rio now, baby. I'm in Rio now, oh, oh! 454 00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:08,620 Yeah, I'm really feeling it. I'm really feeling it. 455 00:21:08,620 --> 00:21:11,660 - Kate! - Oh, this is great. Oh, hi, Phillipa. 456 00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:14,900 Gabriella Luiz. 457 00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:18,460 And that's Maria, the cleaner. 458 00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:21,700 Pump up the jam, pump up the jam 459 00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:23,780 Pump it up, pump it, pump it 460 00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:25,340 Pump it, pump up the jam... 461 00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:36,500 Owen! 462 00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:50,820 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no! 463 00:21:50,820 --> 00:21:52,820 SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPS No! 464 00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:55,900 Owen! 465 00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:05,660 Yo, yo, yo, yo. Sorry, you can't come in if you're not wearing shoes. 466 00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:07,340 No, I just need to go in to talk to my... 467 00:22:07,340 --> 00:22:09,300 You're not coming in wearing dinosaur feet. 468 00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:12,100 - Who'd you borrow them from? Dr Ian Malcolm? - Who? 469 00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:14,780 He's Jeff Goldblum's character from Jurassic Park. 470 00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:17,500 But why would he have these? He had a terrible weekend. 471 00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,300 If anything, it would just bring it all back. 472 00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:21,740 He saw a lawyer get eaten on the toilet. 473 00:22:21,740 --> 00:22:24,740 Did he see that? Wasn't he in the car sheltering from the rain? 474 00:22:24,740 --> 00:22:27,780 They weren't sheltering from the rain, they were sheltering from a T rex. 475 00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:31,980 Another point - who drinks water from a glass when they're in a car? No-one. 476 00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:35,020 No, I think what they were... Why are we talking about this? 477 00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:37,060 I need to talk to my flatmate urgently. 478 00:22:37,060 --> 00:22:38,900 Oh, really? 479 00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:41,660 Yes, I'm locked out and my sausages are smoking. 480 00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:45,300 Oh, the old "I've been locked out and my sausages are smoking" routine. 481 00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:47,900 If I'd had a pound for every time I'd heard that excuse, 482 00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:52,180 I'd be able to open up a theme park on an island where we'd serve bottled water. 483 00:22:52,180 --> 00:22:53,260 Now jog on. 484 00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:58,180 Owen! 485 00:22:58,180 --> 00:22:59,460 Owen! 486 00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:02,300 MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION 487 00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:03,980 Owen! 488 00:23:03,980 --> 00:23:08,180 Owen! Oh, come on. Owen! Owen! 489 00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:10,780 Owen! Owen! 490 00:23:16,220 --> 00:23:17,300 No, no, no, no, no. 491 00:23:17,300 --> 00:23:18,340 No, it's not... 492 00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:21,660 SIREN WAILS 493 00:23:21,660 --> 00:23:25,220 Oh, my God! Is that a fire engine? My sausages! 494 00:23:25,220 --> 00:23:27,100 MUSIC: Life in A Northern Town by Dream Academy 495 00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:31,380 You're a terrible friend. I don't think you should be kissing Abby. 496 00:23:31,380 --> 00:23:34,740 - Oh, sorry, mate. Do you like her? You should've said. - No, I don't like her. 497 00:23:34,740 --> 00:23:37,660 - So, I don't see what the problem is, then. - Well, there isn't a problem. 498 00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:40,660 - Well, good, unless you fancy her. - No, I don't fancy her. 499 00:23:40,660 --> 00:23:43,260 So what's the problem? Cos there's only a problem if you fancy her. 500 00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:45,460 No, the problem is that you were kissing her. 501 00:23:45,460 --> 00:23:47,580 - What? Because you fancy her? - No. - That's the problem? 502 00:23:47,580 --> 00:23:50,860 - No, I don't fancy her. - Well, that's absolutely fine, then, isn't it? 503 00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:53,940 If you don't fancy her, I can kiss her and we can carry on with our lives. 504 00:23:53,940 --> 00:23:55,460 - Yeah, no problem. - Good. 505 00:23:55,460 --> 00:23:57,980 To be honest, considering you don't fancy her, 506 00:23:57,980 --> 00:23:59,500 you talk about her an awful lot. 507 00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,540 Hey, ma, ma, ma 508 00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:03,180 Doo-doo, ai-ai 509 00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:05,100 Hey, ma, ma, ma 510 00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:06,940 Hey! 511 00:24:10,140 --> 00:24:12,220 Hey, ma, ma, ma 512 00:24:12,220 --> 00:24:13,860 Doo-doo, ai-ai 513 00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:15,940 Hey, ma, ma, ma 514 00:24:15,940 --> 00:24:17,620 Doo-doo, ai-ai 515 00:24:17,620 --> 00:24:19,420 Hey, ma, ma, ma 516 00:24:19,420 --> 00:24:21,100 Doo-doo, ai-ai 517 00:24:21,100 --> 00:24:23,340 Hey, ma, ma, ma 518 00:24:23,340 --> 00:24:24,860 Hey, ma, ma, ma 519 00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:27,700 Hey, hey, hey, ma, ma, ma... 520 00:24:27,750 --> 00:24:32,300 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43087

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