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1
00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:03,000
Can't believe you're making
me go to Abby's house-warming.
2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,780
- You know my views on her.
- Yes, we all know you fancy her.
3
00:00:05,780 --> 00:00:07,660
No, she just kept saying
that at university.
4
00:00:07,660 --> 00:00:10,860
Well, to be fair, there was a
time you left her 26 missed calls.
5
00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:12,060
I'd pocket-dialled her.
6
00:00:12,060 --> 00:00:15,140
Yeah, the rumour was you fancied her so
much, your penis typed in her number.
7
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,500
That is not possible.
8
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:20,380
It is. My cousin Dirty Brychan can
unlock his iPhone with his old fella.
9
00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:22,740
Turns out his thumb and
penis have identical prints.
10
00:00:22,740 --> 00:00:23,860
No way that's true.
11
00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:25,900
It is. It's how they caught
him for the burglary.
12
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,660
I don't even like her. She's the
smuggest person I've ever met.
13
00:00:28,660 --> 00:00:31,420
Oh, God, I loved uni house parties.
14
00:00:31,420 --> 00:00:34,700
Queuing for the toilet,
girls crying on the stairs,
15
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:38,580
using those little Mr Kipling
cakes as ashtrays - glorious.
16
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,700
- Mm...
- I'm going to start a game of spin the bottle.
17
00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:42,700
We didn't play spin the bottle at uni.
18
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,580
Well, you might not have, mate. My
lips barely left the bottle arena.
19
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:47,660
Why do you think I got
through so much chapstick?
20
00:00:47,660 --> 00:00:49,220
I'm not playing spin the bottle.
21
00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:51,220
Well, we are, so it's up to
you if you want to join in.
22
00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:52,740
Well, you play, I'll watch.
23
00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:56,060
Oh, I forgot you were the
world's creepiest man.
24
00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:09,660
Oi, oi, it is nostalgia central here.
25
00:01:09,660 --> 00:01:11,660
Remember when I returned
a library book so late
26
00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:13,940
- I had to sell the Game Cube?
- Yeah, it was my Game Cube.
27
00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:15,900
Oh, it was everyone's Game Cube.
28
00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:18,340
What are you doing here? Get in
the lounge where the action is.
29
00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:21,460
No, no, we can't. They're all talking
about that true crime series, Dead Alibi.
30
00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:23,740
How are we the only two
that haven't watched it?
31
00:01:23,740 --> 00:01:27,340
I had to remove myself for fear
of being a victim of spoilers.
32
00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:29,100
I already know the
sous chef didn't do it.
33
00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:30,900
Well, of course the
sous chef didn't do it.
34
00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:33,900
- He gets stabbed by a meat thermometer in episode three.
- Are you kidding me?
35
00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:34,940
Guys!
36
00:01:34,940 --> 00:01:36,660
- Hey, Abby!
- Hey, hey, hey.
37
00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:38,300
What a great party!
38
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:40,140
- Oh, it's so nice of you to come.
- It's all right.
39
00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,820
- Abby!
- Oh, Josh, good to see you.
40
00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,860
And you. In the same way it's
good to see everyone, equally.
41
00:01:45,860 --> 00:01:48,580
I can't believe you've moved
just round the corner from us.
42
00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:51,300
Oh, well, my new therapy practice
is at the end of the road,
43
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:53,500
- so it's perfect for work.
- How's it going?
44
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,500
Retraining is the best
decision I ever made.
45
00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:57,900
I mean, you know how I've
always had a bit of a talent
46
00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:59,340
for knowing what makes people tick.
47
00:01:59,340 --> 00:02:01,740
Well, I don't think anyone
knew what people were thinking
48
00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:03,100
in the fog of university.
49
00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:07,940
Good to see you again, Josh.
50
00:02:11,220 --> 00:02:12,420
I think you're in there, mate.
51
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,220
MUSIC PLAYING
52
00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,540
HUM OF CONVERSATION
53
00:02:22,380 --> 00:02:24,420
- Oh, my God, Phillipa.
- Kate.
54
00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,180
Hi.
55
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:29,460
Oh, what a pleasant surprise,
I was hoping you'd be here.
56
00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:31,420
I mean, it's lovely to
see all my students again,
57
00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:34,620
- but between you and me, you were always my favourite.
- Oh, my God. I knew it.
58
00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:36,100
PHILLIPA LAUGHS
59
00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:38,940
It's so nice to see Abby
doing so well, isn't it?
60
00:02:38,940 --> 00:02:43,020
- She's probably just trying to make up for not being your favourite student.
- Oh!
61
00:02:43,020 --> 00:02:47,020
So I trust you stuck with photography,
because you had such talent?
62
00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:51,100
Oh, yeah, of course. I mean,
I'm never not taking photos.
63
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:53,220
My lens cap is never on.
64
00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:55,660
In fact, to save time, I just
threw it away, took a picture
65
00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:56,740
of it lying in the dirt.
66
00:02:56,740 --> 00:02:58,740
So, what are you working on?
67
00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:01,140
Oh, er, mostly sort of online work,
68
00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:05,140
um, offline work, you
know, snap, snap, snap!
69
00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:06,340
It never ends.
70
00:03:06,340 --> 00:03:08,860
Because once you snap, you can't...
71
00:03:08,860 --> 00:03:10,100
stap.
72
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,900
You know what? Hold that, I
would love to see your portfolio.
73
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:18,500
My company are always looking
for new photographers.
74
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:21,620
I mean, we mainly commission
shoots for high-end fashion.
75
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:23,180
Ah, the best end, if you ask me.
76
00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:27,700
Yes! I've just come from the most
fantastic shoot with Claudia.
77
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,540
- Winkleman?
- Schiffer.
78
00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:30,900
Yeah.
79
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,940
Now, are you free next week?
80
00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:34,980
Um, I might have to ask my temp agency.
81
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:38,980
I mean, my agent, who is temporary.
"They work for you, Kate, remember that."
82
00:03:38,980 --> 00:03:40,020
Ah!
83
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,180
So, when could you pop in?
84
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,860
I think I've got a window
on, erm, Monday afternoon.
85
00:03:44,860 --> 00:03:46,540
- Sounds great.
- Ah! - PHONE RINGS
86
00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:48,220
Oh, gosh, sorry, I've got to take this.
87
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:50,980
- It's Kate.
- Oh, Moss? - No, my baby-sitter.
88
00:03:58,860 --> 00:04:00,860
Yeah, she spotted my talent early.
89
00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:03,100
This is probably going to be
my big break, if I'm honest,
90
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:05,260
but don't worry, I'm not
going let it change me.
91
00:04:05,260 --> 00:04:06,780
That's a pity, isn't it?
92
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,740
The thing with a career in the arts is,
you really have to want to create...
93
00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:11,980
Look, this party is
rubbish. Can we just go?
94
00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:15,540
Yeah, I should probably head home and
prepare a mood board and polish my lens.
95
00:04:15,540 --> 00:04:17,860
I don't want to hear about
your sexual frustrations, Kate.
96
00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:19,540
Did anybody order more nostalgia?
97
00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:21,860
Then it is time to spin the bottle!
98
00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:23,500
CHEERING
99
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,660
Oh, no, no, don't feel
we need to do this, guys.
100
00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:28,100
- Come on, Josh, get involved.
- No, it's not really my scene.
101
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,460
- Oh, who invited Frankie Frigid?
- I'm not Frankie Frigid.
102
00:04:30,460 --> 00:04:32,380
That's exactly what
Frankie Frigid would say.
103
00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:34,180
Yes, that and, "Don't touch my penis."
104
00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:35,740
All right, fine, let's do it.
105
00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:39,460
Right, just before we get cracking,
erm, tongues are optional,
106
00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:40,860
but it's an option I always take,
107
00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:43,340
so if anyone's got any loose
fillings, do declare them now.
108
00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:46,100
OK, spin the bottle, see
who gets to go first.
109
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:48,100
ALL: Ohh!
110
00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:52,700
Looks like Frankie Frigid's
become Ugo Up-For-It.
111
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:55,740
- Ugo?
- No, you go first. Come on, spin the bottle, lover boy.
112
00:04:55,740 --> 00:04:57,180
Stupid, what if I land it on you?
113
00:04:57,180 --> 00:05:01,380
Knowing your post-uni love life,
odds are you'll land on yourself!
114
00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:03,260
Josh, have you been
single since university?
115
00:05:03,260 --> 00:05:04,980
No, I've had plenty of girlfriends.
116
00:05:04,980 --> 00:05:07,380
Oh, you should've introduced
us to some of them, Josh.
117
00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:09,260
All right, let's just
get this over with, OK?
118
00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:11,340
ALL: Ohh!
119
00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:16,460
- Ah... I understand...
- No...
120
00:05:16,460 --> 00:05:19,100
- But that, that, that...
- No, it's OK, Josh, I'm not judging you.
121
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,980
No, but how could that be intentional?
122
00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:23,900
Well, your single years have
given you quite the skilled wrist.
123
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,980
- Oh, that's cheap.
- Come on, we've got our first kissers of the evening!
124
00:05:26,980 --> 00:05:29,900
Just get cracking. Kissers, kissers...
125
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,500
ALL: Kissers, kissers,
126
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,580
kissers, kissers,
127
00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:35,740
kissers, kissers, kissers...
128
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,980
I think it's for the best.
129
00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:40,020
Oh.
130
00:05:47,860 --> 00:05:51,100
I can't believe she's still
going on about me fancying her.
131
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,940
Are you sure you don't? Because
we all saw what happened.
132
00:05:53,940 --> 00:05:56,660
- I misjudged the spin.
- Oh, all right, Mike Gatting.
133
00:05:56,660 --> 00:06:00,060
People seemed to think you'd rigged it
- there was talk of a weighted bottle.
134
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,220
Who suggested that?
135
00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:03,700
Well, Abby did. I was the person
who started the WhatsApp group
136
00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:05,620
- on how you might've done it.
- Unbelievable.
137
00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:08,780
Mm, that's what people were saying
until I suggested the use of magnets.
138
00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:12,100
Oh, I knew I shouldn't have gone to that
party, and I left my cardigan there.
139
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,900
Oh, well, we all know what that says.
140
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,940
Standard flirt's move.
141
00:06:16,940 --> 00:06:18,900
Why does everyone think I fancy her?
142
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,780
Well, for a kick-off, you keep
bringing up that you don't fancy her,
143
00:06:21,780 --> 00:06:23,860
which is a classic sign
of fancying someone.
144
00:06:23,860 --> 00:06:25,580
Well, what am I going
to do? Say I fancy her?
145
00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:28,540
I wouldn't do that, mate. If anything,
that will confirm her suspicions.
146
00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:29,900
Well, you see my problem, then.
147
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,260
- DOORBELL RINGS
- Mm.
148
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:33,140
Only one play at spin the bottle, eh?
149
00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:35,140
I told you, there was
too much peer pressure.
150
00:06:35,140 --> 00:06:37,780
Of course there was, Zammo.
151
00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:40,020
What would you say to mauve long johns?
152
00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:42,260
- What?
- All right, how about plum flares?
153
00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:44,740
- No.
- Oh, tricky customer.
154
00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:48,580
Worry not, there's something
for everyone on Geoff's rail.
155
00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:50,460
GEOFF CHUCKLES
156
00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:53,860
How about a cowskin waistcoat?
157
00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:56,060
Excuse me, Geoff, I'm trying
to watch Cash In The Attic.
158
00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:57,900
Well, welcome to the live version.
159
00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:00,780
I bring good news and
even better threads.
160
00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:02,180
What?
161
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:04,500
The great thing about renting
to people of a similar size
162
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:07,500
and build to you is that they get
first dibs when you're clearing out
163
00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:08,700
your wardrobe.
164
00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,820
On that subject, is Kate around?
165
00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:12,580
We don't want your hand-me-downs, Geoff.
166
00:07:12,580 --> 00:07:15,060
These aren't hand-me-downs,
these are vintage.
167
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,060
Clearly. Just bin them, Geoff.
168
00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:19,260
Well, maybe he could if
you took the bins out.
169
00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:23,500
I told you, the heaping of contents
is yet to reach the required gradient.
170
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,620
Mm, trouble in paradise?
171
00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:27,060
This isn't paradise, Geoff.
172
00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:30,180
In that case, why have I got this?
173
00:07:31,380 --> 00:07:34,940
Mm? No takers? How about this?
174
00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:40,540
- Why don't you just give them to a charity shop?
- I'm not Bono.
175
00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:43,020
There's gold in them there frills.
176
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:45,700
Yes, I've been sitting
on that all morning.
177
00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:47,260
Is that why it's so creased?
178
00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:48,940
Who's going to start the bidding?
179
00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,660
Do I hear ?1 for the frilly shirt?
?1, ?1, ?1 for the frilly...
180
00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:52,780
Oh, my God.
181
00:07:52,780 --> 00:07:55,980
?1, thank you.?1.50, do
I hear? ?1.50, ?1.50...
182
00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:57,020
Get out.
183
00:07:57,020 --> 00:08:00,460
Thank you, sold to the man
with the blond straggly hair.
184
00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:12,660
- PHILLIPA:
- Are you kidding me? These shots are yours?
185
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:16,060
Look at the lighting! They are
more overexposed than Rylan Clark.
186
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:18,060
Seriously, you should be
ashamed of yourself...
187
00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:20,620
- Kate.
- Oh, yeah. - Thanks for coming in.
188
00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:22,820
No, thanks for having me.
Oh, God, before I forget,
189
00:08:22,820 --> 00:08:25,100
you will not believe how
that party on Saturday ended.
190
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,740
- Do you remember my housemate Owen?
- Kate, we're on work time now.
191
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:31,900
- Please focus.
- Oh, yes, sorry, focus, like a camera.
192
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:33,380
- So, portfolio?
- Yep.
193
00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:35,780
PHONE RINGS
194
00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,580
Oh. Jessie, speak to me.
195
00:08:39,180 --> 00:08:40,860
Well, what do you mean she's dropped out?
196
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:43,740
Well, can't she take photos
with the arm that isn't broken?
197
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,740
How is it my responsibility?
198
00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,940
I wasn't the one she was arm-wrestling.
199
00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:51,060
Fine, tell them of course
I will find a replacement.
200
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:54,860
Kate, are you free to
do a last-minute shoot?
201
00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:56,620
Er, yes, I am.
202
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,020
I haven't told you when it is yet.
203
00:08:58,020 --> 00:08:59,700
Oh, right, yes, when is it?
204
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,580
Wednesday night.
205
00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:03,060
Yeah, I can probably make that work.
206
00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:05,740
Good. We need images for
a four-page profile piece.
207
00:09:05,740 --> 00:09:07,620
Are you familiar with
Brazilian street music?
208
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:10,020
Er, is Dario G Brazilian?
209
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:12,340
- No.
- Then no. No, I'm not.
210
00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:15,500
Right, Gabriella Luiz grew up in
the favelas of Rio de Janeiro,
211
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:18,100
she couldn't afford any musical
instruments so she had to learn
212
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,100
to create music from
things she found to hand,
213
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:23,180
you know, bin lids, brooms, etc.
Are you familiar with Stomp?
214
00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:24,420
Is that the Blue Man Group?
215
00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:26,740
- No.
- Then no. No, I'm not.
216
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,980
Right, we only have an hour
in the studio with Gabriella,
217
00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:30,900
and she speaks very little English,
218
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:35,460
she hates being photographed and she has
a reputation for being incredibly awkward.
219
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:38,060
I mean, what's the most
difficult shoot you've done?
220
00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:41,100
Oh, er, you know how they say never
work with children or animals?
221
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:44,540
Well, I once took a
photo of a baby on a dog.
222
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:49,140
Right, if she is being difficult,
do not let her push you around.
223
00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:52,660
You have to take control. I'm
talking velvet glove, iron fist.
224
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:55,460
- Are you good at not being pushed around?
- Um, well, I...
225
00:09:55,460 --> 00:09:58,460
- Because I think you are.
- Yeah, no, I'm brilliant at it.
226
00:09:58,460 --> 00:09:59,700
TV ON QUIETLY
227
00:10:07,980 --> 00:10:10,700
Shall we just skip this bit? We know
the kitchen porter didn't do it.
228
00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,140
I thought that was the sous chef.
229
00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:14,980
There's the off chance I might've
just googled the kitchen porter.
230
00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:16,780
Can you please stop double-screening?
231
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:18,300
Don't worry, I can handle it.
232
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:21,100
I once watched Back To The Future
I, II and III at the same time,
233
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,540
I was in six different time zones.
234
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:24,860
I'm not answering your
questions if you miss something.
235
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:26,700
Don't worry, mate, I
don't need your help.
236
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:29,860
Remember, I'm the person who could cope
with seeing Marty McFly on a hover board,
237
00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:32,660
sauntering into the saloon bar and
kissing his mother at the same time.
238
00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:36,060
Look, can we please just watch this
without your constant interruptions?
239
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:37,380
OK.
240
00:10:40,820 --> 00:10:43,780
Oh, the kitchen porter did a
porno. I wonder if I can find it.
241
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:46,020
Oh, for God's sake! Right, I'm
going to make a cup of tea.
242
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,580
I think you should go camomile,
mate. You seem a little stressed.
243
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:50,180
I am not stressed.
244
00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:51,580
What the hell is this?!
245
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,780
Oh, we'd run out of bin bags, so
I, er, created a satellite bin.
246
00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:57,540
- Why didn't you just buy more bin bags?
- I'll buy them tomorrow.
247
00:10:57,540 --> 00:11:00,220
I think today our focus should
solely be on Dead Alibi.
248
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,700
How am I meant to concentrate on the
admissibility of forensic evidence
249
00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:05,460
if I'm worrying about satellite bin bags?
250
00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:08,900
- Don't think about them, then.
- You know I don't like bin gasses polluting the flat.
251
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,380
Oh, all right, David Icke.
252
00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:13,420
Oh, did I tell you about the time
I shared an Airbnb with David Icke?
253
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:15,340
- What?
- The man is a perfect housemate,
254
00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:17,740
although, interestingly, does
not believe in recycling.
255
00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:21,380
His argument is, if the world's run
by 12-foot lizards, what's the point?
256
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:23,740
Look, can we just get the bin
bags and then I can relax?
257
00:11:23,740 --> 00:11:26,380
Absolutely, no problem at
all, completely under control.
258
00:11:26,380 --> 00:11:28,860
I've just realised I've
forgotten my wallet. Sorry, mate.
259
00:11:28,860 --> 00:11:31,100
- Are you kidding me?
- Are you all right to shout me the bags?
260
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,580
- Only a couple of quid. I'll pay you back.
- You never pay me back!
261
00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:35,940
- What about those festival tickets?
- It wasn't that long ago.
262
00:11:35,940 --> 00:11:39,980
David Bowie headlined. Look, you go
back and get it and I'll wait here.
263
00:11:39,980 --> 00:11:43,260
Oh, you are unbelievable.
264
00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:04,900
It looked like I'd been
staking out her house.
265
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:08,140
Are you sure you don't fancy her? I mean,
all the evidence would suggest otherwise.
266
00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:11,260
No, it's just been a series
of unfortunate events.
267
00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:13,020
All right, Lemony Snicket.
268
00:12:13,020 --> 00:12:15,740
If you want to make a move,
I've got loads of great tips.
269
00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:18,220
Have you ever thought about
sending her a text message
270
00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:20,220
that's supposedly for someone else?
271
00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:22,300
Yeah, I tried that trick
once - worked a treat.
272
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,060
I hadn't heard from
my mum for six months.
273
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:28,140
One text, supposedly for Dad,
and there she was back in touch.
274
00:12:28,140 --> 00:12:29,820
And there I was back in the will.
275
00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:31,940
Truly heart-warming.
276
00:12:31,940 --> 00:12:34,820
Anyway, I'd love to stick around
and talk about this all day
277
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:36,060
but I've got to go to work,
278
00:12:36,060 --> 00:12:38,500
and then I've got a potentially
career-defining photoshoot
279
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,500
with a Brazilian street
musician to prepare for,
280
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:43,380
which I'm feeling...absolutely
fine about.
281
00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:45,740
When was the last time you
actually did a photoshoot?
282
00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:48,420
Well, there was that photo
of your nephew on the dog.
283
00:12:48,420 --> 00:12:50,980
- He's now ten.
- In dog years?
284
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:55,140
No, my nephew. If you did that
photo now, he would flatten the dog.
285
00:12:55,140 --> 00:12:57,580
OK, well, natural talent can't be taught
286
00:12:57,580 --> 00:13:00,420
and I have the natural talent
of a favourite student.
287
00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:03,700
Although, to balance that out, I am more
scared than I have ever been in my life.
288
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,460
Thank God I've got
that A in Spanish GCSE,
289
00:13:05,460 --> 00:13:07,500
otherwise we wouldn't even
be able to communicate.
290
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,820
I mean, you do know in
Brazil they speak Portuguese?
291
00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:10,900
Oh, God.
292
00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:13,300
I could do with some photos
if you want to practise?
293
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:14,500
Really?
294
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,660
You never know when you'll
need a recent photo.
295
00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:19,820
Personalised Christmas card,
landlord charity calendar,
296
00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:22,140
image for the side of a milk
carton in case I go missing.
297
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:25,500
We don't have people on the side of
milk cartons here. We've got cows.
298
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:26,940
Who would report a missing cow?
299
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:29,180
What would be the point of
that? They all look the same.
300
00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:30,860
No. Geoff, the, ah...
301
00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:33,100
What? Are we not supposed
to say that any more?
302
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,380
I can't keep up!
303
00:13:40,140 --> 00:13:41,500
TV ON QUIETLY
304
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:56,460
DOORBELL RINGS
305
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:59,100
Don't you dare put on Strictly
Come Dancing: It Takes Two.
306
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,220
You're not the most relaxed
box-set buddy, are you?
307
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,300
- Abby.
- Hi, Josh.
308
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:07,300
Er, I can explain about
yesterday, I was just...
309
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:10,060
I don't need to hear a
story, Josh. I understand.
310
00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:12,860
- Good, I was worried that you...
- I know it must be difficult for you,
311
00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:16,420
with me living nearby, but we have
to find a way to deal with this.
312
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:20,700
- But that isn't...
- Josh, this isn't going to happen.
313
00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:26,300
- Right, is that everything?
- No, I've got your cardigan here,
314
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,740
just because I feel it is best if we
draw a line under that tactic as well.
315
00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:31,100
It is not a tactic.
316
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:33,780
I thought you'd have left these
feelings at university, Josh.
317
00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:36,500
No, they weren't at university.
I'm not in love with you.
318
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,620
You know, you don't need to deny it.
319
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,940
I'm not denying it.
320
00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:41,900
You literally just denied it.
321
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:43,740
No, I was denying denying it.
322
00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:45,940
Well, two wrongs don't make a right.
323
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:47,540
That doesn't make sense.
324
00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:48,980
Love rarely does.
325
00:14:48,980 --> 00:14:50,700
What does that even mean?
326
00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:54,860
Look, I am fully trained in dealing
with this kind of infatuation
327
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:58,580
and the first step on the road to recovery
is you need to admit it to yourself.
328
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:01,460
I have nothing to admit, because
I'm not in love with you.
329
00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:04,140
This was just a series
of unfortunate events.
330
00:15:04,140 --> 00:15:06,460
Oh, Josh, you're not Lemony Snicket.
331
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,340
Look, I'm not going until
you're honest with me.
332
00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:13,100
I am being honest with you.
333
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:19,900
Right, if I say that I was in
love with you at university,
334
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,100
will you leave me alone?
335
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:25,620
- If that's how you need to frame it, Josh, that's OK.
- Fine.
336
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,100
So...?
337
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:34,380
I was in love with you at university.
338
00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:38,020
Good. That's an important first step.
339
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,900
- Well done, Josh. I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.
340
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:45,340
Look, I didn't feel that you
were ready to hear this before
341
00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:47,060
but I have something to tell you.
342
00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:49,140
I have started seeing someone.
343
00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:51,420
Great, delighted for you.
344
00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:53,660
I know that's a lie and I appreciate
345
00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:55,940
you wanting to protect me
from your pain but, Josh,
346
00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:59,740
it's time to stop loving me
and start loving yourself.
347
00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:01,620
Mm?
348
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:03,260
All the best.
349
00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:12,140
Brief warning - if you start loving
yourself too often, you will go blind.
350
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:14,900
Is that Anton du Beke?
351
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,500
Come on! Right.
352
00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:25,700
KNOCK ON DOOR
353
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,220
- Yep.
- Oh!
354
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:31,140
Hello, Katie Kodak.
355
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:34,540
Hello, Geoff. Er, welcome.
So what are you after today?
356
00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:36,940
I was wondering, would
you be able to drill down
357
00:16:36,940 --> 00:16:40,340
and capture a really honest
portrait of humble old Geoff?
358
00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:44,060
Er, sure. I mean, what
I normally do is, erm...
359
00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:47,540
Or you could just take a load of
photos of me in different outfits
360
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,260
for eBay.
361
00:16:49,260 --> 00:16:51,980
Er, yeah, no, that sounds good.
362
00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:53,740
Pump up the jam
363
00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:55,660
Pump it up, pump it up
364
00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:58,180
Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it
365
00:16:58,180 --> 00:16:59,820
Pump it, pump it, pump it
366
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,300
Pump it up a little more
367
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,420
Get the party going on the dance floor
368
00:17:04,420 --> 00:17:06,060
See, cos that's where the party's at
369
00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:08,340
And you'll find out if you do that...
370
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:12,380
Well, that went pretty well. It
got your confidence up in the end.
371
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:15,340
Yeah. Just need to remember to
keep my thumb well out of the way.
372
00:17:15,340 --> 00:17:17,780
- Easy to forget how big a thumb is.
- Yeah, right.
373
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:21,820
Particularly yours. I mean, half those photos
look like they're being photobombed by Ross Kemp!
374
00:17:21,820 --> 00:17:22,860
All right, Geoff.
375
00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:26,460
- No, I'm glad I was able to help.
- Yeah, no.
376
00:17:26,460 --> 00:17:27,780
Well, thanks for doing this.
377
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,340
No. Thank you. If anything,
I should be paying you.
378
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,700
Ah, well, you still can.
379
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,500
Well, no, let's not
bring money into this.
380
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,300
It'd be a shame to spoil
a lovely experience.
381
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:37,660
Oh, before I go,
382
00:17:37,660 --> 00:17:39,540
could we try just one more shot?
383
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:41,380
- Yeah.
- I was thinking,
384
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:42,740
go with me on this,
385
00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:44,980
er, a straight-on shot of me close up,
386
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:47,940
cropped just below the shoulders
on a neutral background.
387
00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:50,980
- Do you need a new passport photo, Geoff?
- Yes, I do.
388
00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:54,220
Apparently you're not supposed to submit
a photo of yourself wearing a headband,
389
00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:56,900
even though it was clearly me.
It had "Geoff" written on it.
390
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:04,380
I mean, there is a concern
a Brazilian street musician
391
00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:06,460
will be more difficult
to photograph than Geoff.
392
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,740
Who do you want me to
practise on? Enrique Iglesias?
393
00:18:08,740 --> 00:18:09,940
He's Spanish.
394
00:18:09,940 --> 00:18:12,300
Oh, my God. Is everyone bloody Spanish?!
395
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,380
Good luck. Tuck in those thumbs.
396
00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:19,060
- Why's she got a loaf of bread on her head?
- Have you taken the bins out yet?
397
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:22,060
Mate, I only just bought the bin bags,
now you want me to get rid of them!
398
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:25,020
- Why are you putting your coat on? Are you going out?
- Just for a few drinks.
399
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:27,860
We're meant to be finishing
watching Dead Alibi tonight.
400
00:18:27,860 --> 00:18:29,980
If you go out, I'm going
to finish it without you.
401
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:32,980
That is fine by me, cos watching
a box set with you is hell.
402
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:34,780
It's like a night in
with Justin Lee Collins.
403
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,260
Anyway, probably for the
best you're staying in.
404
00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:39,300
You'd never get into Bar
54 dressed like that.
405
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,420
These are my comfy, staying-in clothes.
406
00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:43,180
You're dressed like
you're on your period.
407
00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:44,940
Do you want me to get
you a slab of Galaxy?
408
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:46,700
- Oh, piss off!
- No problem.
409
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,620
When I get back, I'll do
you a hot-water bottle.
410
00:18:57,820 --> 00:19:00,700
- Sorry I'm late.
- We have only got the studio booked for an hour.
411
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:04,020
You've already cost us five minutes.
That's 50 potential shots wasted.
412
00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:05,940
Sorry, my Google Maps got confused.
413
00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:07,940
This is the busiest
photography studio in London.
414
00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:11,980
- Have you never been here before?
- Yes, I just got it mixed up with its sister branch.
415
00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:14,340
- In New York?!
- Yes.
416
00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:16,620
Right, Gabriella is
waiting for you in Delta.
417
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:20,140
She has all her instruments with
her, but she's on difficult form.
418
00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:22,660
Delta? The studio we've booked.
419
00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:26,060
Yeah, sorry, the reason I reacted
like that is cos I've done
420
00:19:26,060 --> 00:19:28,340
so much work in Delta that I'm
now emotionally dead to it.
421
00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:29,820
We are wasting more time.
422
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:30,940
- PHONE RINGS
- Claudia.
423
00:19:30,940 --> 00:19:32,220
Winkleman? Oh, no, sorry.
424
00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:35,780
Stop doing that. Right, erm... Hmm.
425
00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:38,700
METAL CLATTERS
426
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:41,460
Hi, Gabriella, I am so sorry I'm late.
427
00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:43,700
- WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE
- Yeah
428
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,020
WOMAN CONTINUES TO SPEAK PORTUGUESE
429
00:19:46,020 --> 00:19:48,700
Oh, no, no. Please,
please don't leave, um...
430
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:50,700
KATE SPEAKS A MIXTURE OF
SPANISH AND PORTUGUESE
431
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,780
- WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE
- Please.
432
00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:55,060
Cos this is a really big break for me,
433
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:57,660
so if you could just stick around.
434
00:19:57,660 --> 00:20:00,460
If I could just pop you over onto
the stage. That's it, lovely.
435
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,340
Here we go. Whoop, whoop!
436
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:09,100
MUSIC ON TV
437
00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:16,180
Shit!
438
00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:20,420
Oh! Probably don't need flash
anyway. It's pretty bright in here.
439
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:24,380
OK. So...you look very engaging.
440
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:28,260
OK, so, um, what about with the broom?
441
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:30,020
El...broom?
442
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:34,100
Gracias, in Portuguese. Okey dokey.
443
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,580
Right, that's... That is lovely.
444
00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:38,700
OK, and again, bang, bang.
445
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,820
There we go. Lovely. And again.
446
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:43,380
Oh, ah, crazy!
447
00:20:43,380 --> 00:20:44,580
That is good.
448
00:20:47,340 --> 00:20:49,900
Gabriella? The... The shoot has finished?
449
00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:54,380
Pump, pump up the jam
450
00:20:54,380 --> 00:20:56,220
Pump it up, pump it up
451
00:20:56,220 --> 00:20:59,300
Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it
452
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,700
Pump it, pump it, pump it...
453
00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:06,220
Oh, we're in Rio now, baby.
I'm in Rio now, oh, oh!
454
00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:08,620
Yeah, I'm really feeling
it. I'm really feeling it.
455
00:21:08,620 --> 00:21:11,660
- Kate!
- Oh, this is great. Oh, hi, Phillipa.
456
00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:14,900
Gabriella Luiz.
457
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:18,460
And that's Maria, the cleaner.
458
00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:21,700
Pump up the jam, pump up the jam
459
00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:23,780
Pump it up, pump it, pump it
460
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:25,340
Pump it, pump up the jam...
461
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:36,500
Owen!
462
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:50,820
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no!
463
00:21:50,820 --> 00:21:52,820
SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPS No!
464
00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:55,900
Owen!
465
00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:05,660
Yo, yo, yo, yo. Sorry, you can't
come in if you're not wearing shoes.
466
00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:07,340
No, I just need to go in to talk to my...
467
00:22:07,340 --> 00:22:09,300
You're not coming in
wearing dinosaur feet.
468
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:12,100
- Who'd you borrow them from? Dr Ian Malcolm?
- Who?
469
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:14,780
He's Jeff Goldblum's
character from Jurassic Park.
470
00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:17,500
But why would he have these?
He had a terrible weekend.
471
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,300
If anything, it would
just bring it all back.
472
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:21,740
He saw a lawyer get eaten on the toilet.
473
00:22:21,740 --> 00:22:24,740
Did he see that? Wasn't he in
the car sheltering from the rain?
474
00:22:24,740 --> 00:22:27,780
They weren't sheltering from the rain,
they were sheltering from a T rex.
475
00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:31,980
Another point - who drinks water from
a glass when they're in a car? No-one.
476
00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:35,020
No, I think what they were...
Why are we talking about this?
477
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:37,060
I need to talk to my flatmate urgently.
478
00:22:37,060 --> 00:22:38,900
Oh, really?
479
00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:41,660
Yes, I'm locked out and
my sausages are smoking.
480
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:45,300
Oh, the old "I've been locked out
and my sausages are smoking" routine.
481
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:47,900
If I'd had a pound for every
time I'd heard that excuse,
482
00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:52,180
I'd be able to open up a theme park on
an island where we'd serve bottled water.
483
00:22:52,180 --> 00:22:53,260
Now jog on.
484
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:58,180
Owen!
485
00:22:58,180 --> 00:22:59,460
Owen!
486
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:02,300
MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION
487
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:03,980
Owen!
488
00:23:03,980 --> 00:23:08,180
Owen! Oh, come on. Owen! Owen!
489
00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:10,780
Owen! Owen!
490
00:23:16,220 --> 00:23:17,300
No, no, no, no, no.
491
00:23:17,300 --> 00:23:18,340
No, it's not...
492
00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:21,660
SIREN WAILS
493
00:23:21,660 --> 00:23:25,220
Oh, my God! Is that a
fire engine? My sausages!
494
00:23:25,220 --> 00:23:27,100
MUSIC: Life in A Northern
Town by Dream Academy
495
00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:31,380
You're a terrible friend. I don't
think you should be kissing Abby.
496
00:23:31,380 --> 00:23:34,740
- Oh, sorry, mate. Do you like her? You should've said.
- No, I don't like her.
497
00:23:34,740 --> 00:23:37,660
- So, I don't see what the problem is, then.
- Well, there isn't a problem.
498
00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:40,660
- Well, good, unless you fancy her.
- No, I don't fancy her.
499
00:23:40,660 --> 00:23:43,260
So what's the problem? Cos there's
only a problem if you fancy her.
500
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:45,460
No, the problem is that
you were kissing her.
501
00:23:45,460 --> 00:23:47,580
- What? Because you fancy her?
- No. - That's the problem?
502
00:23:47,580 --> 00:23:50,860
- No, I don't fancy her.
- Well, that's absolutely fine, then, isn't it?
503
00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:53,940
If you don't fancy her, I can kiss her
and we can carry on with our lives.
504
00:23:53,940 --> 00:23:55,460
- Yeah, no problem.
- Good.
505
00:23:55,460 --> 00:23:57,980
To be honest, considering
you don't fancy her,
506
00:23:57,980 --> 00:23:59,500
you talk about her an awful lot.
507
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,540
Hey, ma, ma, ma
508
00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:03,180
Doo-doo, ai-ai
509
00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:05,100
Hey, ma, ma, ma
510
00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:06,940
Hey!
511
00:24:10,140 --> 00:24:12,220
Hey, ma, ma, ma
512
00:24:12,220 --> 00:24:13,860
Doo-doo, ai-ai
513
00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:15,940
Hey, ma, ma, ma
514
00:24:15,940 --> 00:24:17,620
Doo-doo, ai-ai
515
00:24:17,620 --> 00:24:19,420
Hey, ma, ma, ma
516
00:24:19,420 --> 00:24:21,100
Doo-doo, ai-ai
517
00:24:21,100 --> 00:24:23,340
Hey, ma, ma, ma
518
00:24:23,340 --> 00:24:24,860
Hey, ma, ma, ma
519
00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:27,700
Hey, hey, hey, ma, ma, ma...
520
00:24:27,750 --> 00:24:32,300
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